Sunday, August 13, 2006

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...Saturday was my anniversary. Three years of wedded bliss. Of course, we've been married for twelve...

A survey says the average American worker wastes 1.86 hours out of an eight hour day. Mostly doing online surveys.

According to the survey, last year workers wasted an average of 2.09 hours a day. That shows at least we are becoming more efficient.

American workers waste on average 1.86 hours a day. Coincidentally, that is the same amount of time put in each day by management.

The time wasted didn't include lunch or planned breaks. So you can add another three and a half hours of unproductive time to that total.

The survey didn't include government workers, because they never put in an eight hour day.

The American Academy of Pediatrics says that 24 thousand kids were hurt in shopping cart accidents last year. How much are we eating that even our shopping carts are so full they are tipping over?

Our shopping carts keep getting more top heavy while Americans keep getting more bottom heavy.

The Atlanta Braves have banned James Dobson from their "Faith Day" activities, reportedly for his anti-homosexual stance. Apparently Braves management was afraid that any anti-gay remarks might make fans think they had recalled John Rocker.

A judge says personal items seized from Unabomber Ted Koczynski's cabin can be sold online. Buyers are being told to have them mailed at their own risk.

2,000 people showed up for the first national Mensa convention in Orlando. Every state was represented except Wyoming. Maybe there is something to their claim about being a high IQ organization.

What do you call a Mensan living in Alabama? A tourist.

Jessica Simpson was asked if she was going to attend the Mensa convention. She said she was waiting for a Womens-a convention.

The alleged terrorist plot in England has resulted in all liquids being banned from flights. What, are they afraid that someone is going to blow up a plane with Diet Coke and Mentos?

British airport officials are requiring that passengers taste baby formula they are bringing onto planes. U.S. pilots are trying to help in the fight against terrorism by testing any booze being brought on board.

The American Psychological Association has taken a stand against torture. Except for sessions with a psychologist.

A California bill would prevent college administrators from censoring college newspapers. It would give college journalists the same rights as their professional colleagues. Who are censored by the federal government.

Senator Harry Reid criticized Vice President Cheney for what he called "politicizing terrorism". However Cheney maintains he only terrorizes his hunting partners.

President Bush says he will relax immigration rules for a limited number of Cubans. Mostly those who have a 90 mph fastball.

There will be exceptions for anyone with a sibling on the Yankees.

Police in Brazil arrested thirty businessmen, government officials and soldiers in a plot to overbill $157 million for military meals. Or as we call it in this country, Halliburton.

Dell computers is offering refunds for customers in China who sued after getting the wrong microprocessors in their laptops. Apparently the Americans speaking to the Chinese through their workers in India somehow had some sort of miscommunication.

Sprint had a major cellphone outage in New York City last week. It was so bad, people actually had to go back to talking loudly to the person sitting next to them in the movie theater.

Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet kinkajou. She was taken to the emergency room and was given a tetanus shot. As was the kinkajou.

Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet kinkajou. This is not to be confused with Paris Hilton and her kink-a-video.

Mel Gibson denied any involvement. "I never said the Jews were kinky."

A Massachusetts study says some American babies are too fat. The rest are already obese.

How do you get a fat baby? How much are expectant mothers eating? Can you imagine feeling bloated coming out of the womb? "Mother's milk? No thanks, I'm already pretty full..."

Indianapolis police posed as cab drivers to stop a crime spree in the city. Getting all those cabbies off the street was a step in the right direction.

The Bush Administration has awarded a billion and a half dollars worth of contracts for future hurricane disasters. Apparently they are taking no chances with FEMA this time.

The weather vane from a Rhode Island train station was auctioned off for $1.2 million. You would think the National Weather Service would have used that money for a good computer instead.

The National Park Service says the crown of the Statue of Liberty will stay closed indefinitely. How is it that the terrorists have gotten us to close the Statue of Liberty but open Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib?

The army has given a thumbs down to a proposed military theme park in Virginia. With the prospect of long lines and constantly increasing prices, they felt it would be better if it were dedicated to the post office.

Part of the plans for a military theme park made it easy to get in, however there was just no exit plan.

Border police in Arizona have arrested a Mexican smuggler trying to sneak in 88 pounds of cheese. How fat are we that smugglers are making more money bringing in food than drugs?

A Swedish artist has completed the world's largest painting, more than 86 thousand square feet. It took two and a half years and one hundred tons of paint. The artist says the hardest part was making sure he had enough paint for each different number.

Airport authorities in Kenya discovered more than two hundred tortoises that were being smuggled out of the country. It's a good thing they were caught in Kenya, because it's a sure bet they would have outrun airport security in the U.S.

A government report says immigrants are not taking a significant number of American jobs. All they have to do is wait and our jobs will eventually make it to their countries anyway.

Research shows that celebrity fragrances are the fastest growing segment of the nearly three billion dollar a year perfume market. The most sought after scent is the one that got superstar Britney Spears attracted to deadbeat Kevin Federline.

The Labor Department reports the efficiency of American workers has slowed sharply recently. Mostly because the immigrants who actually work were all kicked out of the country.

Tokyo leads the world in the "Big Mac" index, the amount of time needed to purchase the burger, at ten minutes. However, The U.S. still leads the world in the amount of time it takes to eat a Big Mac, at just under thirty seven seconds.

While Tokyo leads the world in the amount of time of labor to buy a Big Mac, the U.S. still leads the world in the ease of buying a member of congress.

The Tennessee Titans mascot T-Rac the raccoon hit Saints quarterback Adrian McPherson with a golf cart, knocking him out of a preseason game. Officials considered it an accident until T-Rac pulled a Sharpie out of his sock and tried to sign McPherson.

Andy Roddick is rumored to be dating fellow tennis pro Maria Sharapova. Apparently she has shown up to watch him play cards on several occasions. Which lately is more exciting than watching him play tennis.

Little League is looking at enforcing a pitch count. Pitchers under ten would be limited to 75 pitches a game. New York City Little Leaguers would be exempt after they turned sixteen.

French runner Latifa Essarokh has tested positive for a banned substance. It's the first time in memory a French person needed help in running faster.

Woody Allen has been awarded $95,000 in a dispute with a producer about how to edit his films for television. Apparently Allen insisted on being included in the edited versions.

Dennis Miller has signed on with Fox News to be a part of "Hannity and Colmes". Apparently he feels even he can push Colmes around.

Ellen Burstyn has been nominated for an Emmy for a role in which she was on camera for fourteen seconds, speaking two lines. Which means she had more understandable dialogue than an entire Stallone movie.

Some cell phones will soon be able to pick up XM satellite radio. How annoying is that going to be? If they aren't talking incessantly, we get to listen to all their favorite tunes now.

Just what we need, an even bigger distraction for people who already have their cell phones plastered against their head the entire time they are driving.

Researchers say one can of soda a day can add up to fifteen pounds a year. Especially if it is used to wash down three Big Macs at a sitting.

A University of Florida student has invented a remote control robotic shopping cart that will follow shoppers around the store. Not to put their groceries in, but to annoy them with that one squeaky wheel.

A study says men are also subject to postpartum depression. Mostly when they get the medical bills.

A report says fewer high school students are having sex. At least with each other. Most are too busy having sex with their teachers.

A study says that teenagers who listen to music with raunchy, sexual lyrics on their iPods are more likely to start having sex at an earlier age. The most likely to not have sex are those teenagers listening to the sound track from "Star Wars" and "Lord of the Rings".

A survey of people older than 100 says that the people credit their longevity to faith, a good diet and hard work. The question is, who wants to get old living like that?

The centenarians say that lifestyle really doesn't make you live any longer. It just seems longer.

South Carolina tight end Andy Boyd has been given a sixth year of eligibility. What do you call a college athlete in his sixth year? A sophomore.

Al and Bobby Unser were arrested in Albuquerque for running a police roadblock. They didn't get it until it was explained it was like passing during a caution flag.

ABC Sports will be changing its name to "ESPN on ABC". During the Olympics, because of constant time delays, the host network will be known as "ESPN Classic on NBC".

Convicted Enron executive Jeffrey Skilling may have to pay for part of the money stolen by now deceased fellow convict Ken Lay. Even in death, Lay is still screwing people.

A federal panel of medical advisers suggests using prison inmates to test pharmaceuticals. Isn't that how most of them got there in the first place?

A study confirms that married people tend to live longer than single people. Unless you marry O.J. Simpson or Robert Blake.

KFC is being sued by a consumer group over the amount of fat it puts in its food. However, KFC insists that since they are suing a colonel, it must be done in front of a military tribunal.

A survey shows that teenagers are not trying to buy wine online as was feared when it was made easier for wineries to ship across state lines. Most wine is purchased by older people, who are a little more positive that they are actually gay.

A music group appeared at a state fair pretending to be 1970s one hit wonder Redbone. Apparently they thought they would get caught if they tried to pass themselves off as Dexy's Midnight Runners.

Robin Williams has checked into a rehab facility. I had no idea he was anti-Semitic.

A Nevada company that sold $15 million worth of a worthless fuel saving product was fined $4.2 million by the FTC. The company made nearly $11 million which makes the FTC dumber than the people who bought the product in the first place.

A survey shows that 90% of Britons protect their computers from online threats like viruses, spam and spyware. Now if we could only get them to brush their teeth once in awhile...

A study says that online sex solicitation is down. Unless you count

That's it for now, oh faithful Readers! About that earlier crack about my anniversary, I actually am very happily married. My wife is happy, too. If she wasn't, she would be looking around for a lawyer to make very happy. Even though I am happily married, feel free to keep sending the love!

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