Sunday, August 27, 2006

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...My kitchen is being remodeled, in the hope my wife might use it. Didn't work when I bought a new bed, either...

A study says taller people tend to be smarter. Mostly because they can see over other students to cheat off their papers.

The study says as adults, taller people tend to select higher paying occupations. Like working in the NBA.

Kevin Federline is set for an appearance on "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation". The crime they will investigate is how he got paid to make a rap album.

National Hurricane Center Chief Max Mayfield is retiring in January. He says he was shocked to learn that 60% of the people living along the Gulf and Atlantic coastlines have no hurricane plan. Then again, neither does FEMA.

Ten explosions rocked a bomb recycling plant in Louisiana. Bomb recycling plant? And all this time I've been throwing my old bombs in the trash.

A Nebraska State Trooper won't be fired even though he is a member of the KKK. Apparently both sides were satisfied when he found a way to wear his smokey's hat over his white hood.

The U.S. says foreign and local troops must find a way to plug holes in the Afghan-Pakistani border. Then after they do that, they need to show us how.

Chevron and Petronas oil companies have been kicked out of Chad for failure to pay taxes. The Bush Administration is angry. Since when do oil companies pay taxes?

The Congressional Budget office says the recently passed immigration bill will cost the government $127 billion over the next ten years. And that's just to keep the lawn mowed at the White House.

President Bush has ordered performance goals to be set for National Parks to be achieved by their 100th anniversary in 2016. A special award goes to the park with the most new oil wells and logging trails by then.

The government's anti-drug campaign has not proven to deter children from using drugs after spending $1.2 billion. The only bigger waste of money on advertising was done by Ford.

President Bush says Hurricane Katrina revealed deep seated poverty in America. However, the country's poverty became apparent to everyone after Congress passed the national budget.

President Bush says that Hurricane Katrina showed the government was unprepared for a disaster of that magnitude. Unfortunately he was talking about his own administration.

China is outlawing the practice of stripteasing at funerals. Apparently Anna Nicole Smith is just going to have to meet her next husband here in the States.

A federal judge has blocked Northwest Airlines flight attendants from going on strike. Without flight attendants, who would serve drinks to the pilots? is going to replay coverage of the 9/11 attack coverage on the fifth anniversary of the tragedy. Although it will be tough for some people to relive, CNN says they will not edit out the parts featuring Aaron Brown.

A judge has blocked a ban of violent video games in Louisiana. The judge says it is safer to stay inside and play violent video games than risk playing outside in new Orleans.

The international cell phone throwing championships were held in Finland. The winning throw was 89 meters by a Finnish man. However, the hit-your-assistant-in-the-head-from-30-feet contest was taken by Naomi Campbell.

IBM is going to provide a network to monitor the body temperature of cattle for ranchers, dairy farmers and government regulators. Just let me know when it hits 350 degrees for 40 minutes.

Matt LeBlanc is being sued for defamation by a woman who claims he made sexually charged statements about her that were eventually published. If he really wanted to defame her, he would have put her name in the credits of "Joey".

Jackie Mason is suing Jews For Jesus for using his name and likeness in a pamphlet without his permission. He says its almost as bad as being used for advertising for "Caddyshack II".

Elton John says he wants to make a hip hop album with Dr. Dre. They would be billed as "Dre meets Gay".

Elton John and Dr. Dre. What would you call that collaboration? Fabulous Gangsta? Gangstabulous?

St. Louis Cardinal Albert Pujols was administered tests given to Babe Ruth 85 years ago. The evaluation measured bat speed, finger tapping and visual response. In the tiebreaker, Pujols finished second by thirty two hot dogs.

A Russian Cosmonaut will hit a golf ball with a Canadian made golf club at the International Space Station on Thanksgiving. The Cosmonaut says even from space he thinks he can come closer to the 18th fairway at Winged Foot than Phil Mickelson.

A California bill would allow prisoners to have condoms. The only thing worse than being on death row is finding out your cellmate has a large shipment coming in from Trojan.

The owner of a restaurant in India named "Hitler's Cross" is changing the name because of threats. He says he will soon reopen as "Saddam's Snacks".

Three Mexican fishermen who were rescued after being adrift at sea for nine months are defending themselves against charges of drug trafficking and cannibalism. They say the only way the ordeal would have been worse is if they were adrift with Kathee Lee Gifford.

A study says the Labor Department has undercounted the number of poor and uninsured Americans. Apparently the survey didn't get handed out to Walmart employees.

Milwaukee has been named as the heaviest drinking city in the country. The number one reason given for most of the heavy drinking: Living in Milwaukee.

Why do you think all those breweries were built there?

Toyota has developed a rear end crash detection system featuring radar in the rear bumper to let the driver know when a collision is likely. Didn't that used to be called the rear view mirror?

The radar alerts the warning system to announce it is time to "kiss your ass goodbye".

Automakers are required to tell people if there car is equipped with a black box that records information before, during and after a collision. If they really want to find the reason for accidents, just monitor if they are yapping on their cell phone when they crash.

Tiger Woods made four bogeys in a row at the Bridgestone Invitational, the first time he's done that since 1996. In fact, the last time he did that he couldn't even go into a bar a buy a few beers to forget about it.

Woods hadn't made four consecutive bogeys since 1996. Or in John Daly terms, that was three wives ago.

Venus Williams has pulled out of the U.S. Open. Tough week for the Solar System. First Pluto gets the boot, then Venus withdraws.

The Las Vegas Marriage Bureau is shutting down its 24 hour service. It realized that 24 hour service resulted in too many 24 hour marriages.

The Marriage Bureau cited Britney Spears' 55 hour marriage as a reason to do away with round the clock weddings. Of course, that was still a better decision than marrying Kevin Federline.

A study shows that the elderly may not wake to the sound of a high pitched smoke detector. Researchers suggest a more familiar noise, like episodes of "Matlock".

A study shows that polar bears' genitals are shrinking due to increased pollution. Male polar bears insist it's because of the cold.

How would you like to be the guy who has to gather that information?

A land speed diesel record was set at 325 mph at the Bonneville Salt Flats. That beat the old record of 152 mph set by just about every amphetamine-laced trucker on I-5 back in the '70s.

USA Football has chosen Mississippi as the best football state in the nation. The worst football state is wherever the Saints happen to be playing.

Tiger Woods wants the PGA Tour to start drug testing. The purpose would be to find out what Jesper Parnevik is taking when he gets dressed every day.

The Texas Longhorns have installed the world's largest HDTV, the 55' x 134' "Godzillatron". The San Francisco Giants may order one so fans can see all of Barry Bonds' head.

A study says that boys learn more from men teachers and girls learn more from women. Although the boys still prefer to have sex with their women teachers by a wide margin.

A study says that by the year 2010, 13 million English men and women will be obese. All those pounds spent at McDonald's are ending up as pounds on their bums.

Meredith Viera says she no longer watches "The View". Watching that show, it's hard to even get a thought in edgewise.

Keith Richards may have violated a Scottish law when he was seen smoking at a concert. However, it was soon realized he wasn't smoking a cigarette. He was just standing there, smoking.

An investment scam in South Africa used Oprah Winfrey's name to try to get people to sign up. It is the biggest ripoff associated with Oprah since Dr. Phil.

The Farmer's Almanac predicts this winter will be colder than last. That isn't a tough prediction. This summer was colder than last winter.

A poll says most Americans aren't prepared for a disaster like Hurricane Katrina. Katrina? I'm not ready for my daughter's college tuition bill.

That's it for now, oh faithful readers! Don't forget to send the love...Just make sure not to send it by way of FEMA!

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