Sunday, August 30, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A court has ruled that people have no right to protest on the front steps of the Supreme Court. The ruling upheld a 1949 decision that said that might make it look as if the court was being influenced by the voice of the people. Instead of the usual corporate executives and political parties.

A lemonade stand operated by Jerry Seinfeld’s kids in the Hamptons was shut down after neighbors complained there were too many cars coming by. Or in typical Seinfeld fashion, it was the police getting involved about nothing.

A lemonade stand operated by Jerry Seinfeld’s kids in the Hamptons was shut down after neighbors complained there were too many cars coming by. The money from the stand was going to charity, which brings up the question why didn’t they just write a check from their trust fund?

A Washington State woman was arrested for breast feeding her baby while driving. What was even worse is that the infant was texting.

A year long NASA isolation experiment with six people simulating life on Mars has started in Hawaii. The idea is if they can stay indoors for a full year while living in Hawaii, they can live being cooped up anywhere.

A year long NASA isolation experiment with six people simulating life on Mars has started in Hawaii. Although if they really wanted to see if people could live with no other humans around, they should send them to an Adam Sandler film festival.

Climate scientists say that 2015 will be the hottest year on record “by a mile.” Mostly inside a room of Republican election strategists when someone mentions the name Donald Trump.

Uber has hired hackers to work on defense systems for self-driving cars. The team was easy to assemble as most people who do nothing all day but hack into other people’s computers are pretty much otherwise known as Uber drivers.

A report says that investors in extramarital affairs website Ashley Madison wanted out before the site was hacked. Company stock is falling so fast, the only way investors could have lost more money is if their wives had found out they were also members.

Myanmar has set a daily minimum wage of $2.80 to boost investment in the country. For that kind of wage, Myanmar could become the new world center for fast food, convenience stores and Nike factories.

The CEO of Ashley Madison was let go in the wake of the massive hack of their membership list. He knew he was on shaky ground when the board told him he needed to get his affairs in order.

A survey says one third of Americans have had an unexpected medical bill in the past two years where their health plan paid less than expected. The only question is how can an insurance company actually pay less than zero?

A poll says that 37% of Americans see the banking industry in a positive way. Mostly the people who are no longer frustrated by financial institutions now that they don’t have any money after their banker talked them in to taking out a subprime mortgage loan.

A poll says that 37% of Americans see the banking industry in a positive way. The other 63% are still mad and don’t see their subprime loan as water under the bridge at least as long as their home is still underwater.

The FDA is considering changing food labels to more accurately reflect actual serving sizes. For instance, the actual serving size for most people with a gallon of Haagen Dazs ice cream is pretty much a gallon of Haagen Dazs ice cream.

The FDA is considering changing food labels to more accurately reflect actual serving sizes, although critics say it could encourage people to overeat. Although how much encouragement does it take to get people to overeat in the country that invented 24 hour fast food, pizza delivery and the microwave oven?

A lawsuit claims that Nestle used slave-caught fish in its Fancy Feast cat food. Although even the slaves say they aren’t subjected to as much servitude and submissiveness as the average cat owner.

A study says that even short bouts of physical activity may benefit children. The study will be completed just as soon as they can find any children who will actually do any short bouts of physical activity.

A study says that even short bouts of physical activity may benefit children. Other than jumping off the couch to run to the refrigerator to refresh their snack tray during commercials.

A study says that women who experience high blood pressure during pregnancy may see it return later in life. Mostly right around the time their child becomes a teenager.

A set of six month old twins in California born with severe hearing loss received hearing aids that allowed them to hear their parents for the first time. Which means they will be trying to learn how to shut it off right around the time they turn 2.

The CDC says that meth lab injuries are on the increase. To which most people are saying “and the problem is?”

The CDC says that meth lab injuries are on the increase. Which might have to do with the fact that they are working while they are high on meth.

Rand Paul says he will continue performing eye surgery if he is elected President. Hopefully on himself to help fix most of his myopic policies.

Rand Paul says he will continue performing eye surgery if he is elected President. Which is pretty much his entire plan to overhaul the nation’s health care system, which will now be known as “Randcare.”

A study says that goth teenagers are at a higher risk of depression. Although why would anyone wearing black clothes, hair and makeup who sleeps all day and stays up all night listening to death rock make anyone associate them with being depressed?

A study says that goth teenagers are at a higher risk of depression. Mostly because they are at those awkward goth teen years, as opposed to goth adolescents, goth adults and goth seniors.

Researchers say that out of 100 psychological studies, more than half didn’t hold up when retested. Which is good news for the original authors who immediately put in for more grant money to do their research again and see what went wrong the first time.

Researchers say that out of 100 psychological studies, more than half didn’t hold up when retested. Which is no big deal as the original authors are just putting in for more money to disprove the study of their studies.

87 year old Vin Scully has been signed for his 67th year of calling baseball for the Los Angeles Dodgers. His new contract calls for him to cut back a bit and be like most L.A. fans, arriving in the 3rd inning and leaving after the 6th.

Betty White has been signed to make some appearances on the TV show “Bones. At 93 years old, it was pretty much a matter of typecasting.

Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to rise, in part because of his promise to do something about ISIS. In fact, to show how serious he is about showing the terrorists we mean business he has announced his pick for Secretary of Defense will be Omarosa.

Serena Williams, addressing criticism of her body type says she looks like a “normal athlete.” It’s just a coincidence that she changes from her street clothes into her tennis outfits in a phone booth.

Tom Brady threaded the needle for his first touchdown pass of the preseason. Which is the first time since last year’s playoffs that “Tom Brady” and “needle” were used to describe something other than football air pressure levels.

Mark Zuckerberg received 10,000 responses as to how Facebook allowed people to find someone or stay connected during a tragedy. Although millions of others say their biggest tragedy was when their wife found out who they were messaging on Facebook.

Windows 10 has reportedly had 75 Million activations. To which Microsoft is saying that it looks like the 10th time may be the charm.

A bill in North Dakota would allow police to equip drones with non-lethal weapons. That means police could use drones to capture suspects with tasers, tear gas and dropped packages from Amazon.

A new app called Urbanstems allows flower deliveries in as little as one hour. So far the app has been downloaded by millions of men, mostly the ones who have been exposed as having a membership on Ashley Madison.

Apple has rewarded CEO Tim Cook with stock worth $58 Million. Although it was more than a little awkward when he asked if he could trade it in for shares of Facebook.

Former Moon walker Buzz Aldrin is working with the Florida Institute of Technology to develop a master plan to colonize Mars within 25 years. The 85 year old astronaut is working on providing oxygen, water, and several franchises of Golden Corral.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker says that China’s leaders “should be taken to the woodshed.” Which is a real threat these days considering any woodsheds made in China are put together with flimsy particleboard, asbestos lining and lead paint.

Donald Trump says an event he hosted for $100 a plate was not a fundraiser. He just did it because he has found a way to turn even running for President into a money making deal.

President Obama says he wants a pay raise for all federal workers and members of the military next year. To which Congress is saying any raises should be reserved for the people who keep the nation running by writing the laws and seeing to it they get passed. The lobbyists.

President Obama says he wants a pay raise for all federal workers and members of the military next year. To which Congress says they don’t understand why Obama wants a raise for the military when during two terms he hasn’t been able to start even one war.

President Obama has appointed the nation’s first hostage envoy. Which has Congress worried that he really is going to mean business the next time he sits down with them for  any legislative negotiations.

Defense Secretary Ash Carter says he has been “extremely careful” with his e-mails. Mostly to prevent compromising military secrets, protect national security strategies and especially to avoid being caught like the other 15,000 government workers who used their work e-mail addresses with Ashley Madison.

Hillary Clinton is calling for “party unity” in the wake of a possible run for President by Joe Biden. To which Democratic Party leaders are saying “That’s a great idea. What’s party unity?”

Hillary Clinton is calling for “party unity” in the wake of a possible run for President by Joe Biden. Hillary has had great luck over the years when it comes to uniting the party. Unfortunately for her, it has been with uniting the Republicans against Hillary.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Glad to see the best sports announcer in history, Vin Scully has signed on with the Dodgers again. Not only is he the best announcer of all time, but he is also a class act all the way. I wrote him a letter once about a funny experience I had at a Dodger game. I forgot about it and figured he would just toss is into the round file when a few weeks later I got an envelope with the return address of Dodger Stadium. I opened it to find it coming from the desk of Vin Scully, hand written and signed by the man himself. I still have it and it reminds me that there are still some people who don’t let their fame and good fortune get in the way of who they are. He is classy even when he finds the rare occasion to deliver a sideways compliment, like he did with the Giants in the 1989 World Series. He was commenting on the nice weather, saying how beautiful it was in San Francisco in October. He then went on to say how unfortunate it is that the Giants are rarely playing that time of year. Zing! Gotta love the man, and all of us who have had the chance to listen to him over the years always will. It will be a great 67th year behind the mic for the Dodgers, hopefully as defending World Series Champs and hopefully with many more years calling the plays after that. Today I am the one sending out the love to the great Vin Scully!

Friday, August 28, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Scientists say drinking a pint of water before meals is the best way to lose weight. As long as the meal is low in fat and calories and is followed by a three mile run.

A study says there are 280 Million “mobile addicts” who use their phone apps more than 60 times a day. Researchers say they are conducting their lives on mobile. The question for people using apps 60 times a day is “what’s a life?”

A Florida man was arrested for attacking his mother with potato salad. He says the reason was that living with her was no picnic.

A report says that nearly all the women’s profiles on extramarital affair website Ashley Madison were fake. To which the men members who were exposed by hackers can consider it like an episode of “Seinfeld,” where their divorce is about nothing.

A report says that nearly all the women’s profiles on extramarital affair website Ashley Madison were fake. Which means the only real people associated with the website who are actually willing to screw them are their wives’ divorce lawyers.

Donald Trump called a woman in his audience to pull his hair and prove he doesn’t wear a toupee. Which is good news because who would vote for a man for President who has billions of dollars and buys a rug that looks like that?

Donald Trump called a woman in his audience to pull his hair and prove he doesn’t wear a toupee. As opposed to when he is asked to talk about his policies as President and he calls someone from the audience to pull his finger.

Donald Trump called a woman in his audience to pull his hair and prove he doesn’t wear a toupee. The only bad news is that after touching whatever it is on top of his head, the woman had to be tested for rabies.

The FDA is calling on tobacco companies to stop calling cigarettes “natural” and “additive free.” Mostly because cigarettes will eventually cause the people smoking them to have the additives for their chemotherapy followed by embalming fluid.

Mandatory water saving measures have reportedly resulted in a significant drop in water use in California over the past two months. What needs to happen now is to put those same measures in effect with Congress over how they spend our money.

Food shortages in Venezuela have triggered long lines, fights and looting at stores. Or as that is called in the U.S., “Black Friday.”

The FTC has shut down production of Vemma natural energy drinks, calling the operation a “pyramid scheme.” Although a company spokesman says since they only use natural ingredients, they prefer to call it a food pyramid scheme.

The FAA has approved use of a drone paper airplane. Although the idea is so impractical the company is expected to fold.

Donald Trump says the Bible means a lot to him but he won’t get specific about his favorite verses. Although he does like to say that anyone who doesn’t vote for him is guilty of worshipping false idols.

A drop in world copper demand is cutting jobs in the U.S. Mostly the people who work in the fast food business and convenience stores where the scarcity in copper means their bosses don’t have enough pennies when it’s time for pay day.

Donald Trump says he will raise taxes on the wealthy and lower them for the middle class. To which most Americans are thinking that would be great as long as they could find a way to double their salary and actually become part of the middle class again.

McDonald’s has severed ties with a poultry supplier because of reports of cruel and inhumane treatment. What do they think those chickens are, fast food workers?

McDonald’s has severed ties with a poultry supplier because of reports of cruel and inhumane treatment. How cruel and inhumane can anything be when you realize your lot in life is to end up on a plate of McNuggets?

A judge’s ruling has prevented bondholders in Caesars Entertainment from action that could have sent the company into bankruptcy over its casino debt. Apparently the court ruled that the casinos are bound to render to Caesars what is Caesars.

Consumer Reports says the Tesla P85D is the best performing car they have ever tested. Mostly because it is the first American made car in the past 20 years that they have actually gotten all the way through testing before it was recalled.

Wal-Mart is starting its Christmas layaway plan early this year, letting people start paying installments on gifts before Labor Day arrives. What’s worse is that the plan is for people who are trying to pay off the presents they are buying for Christmas, 2024.

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans view the Internet in a positive way. The other 4 have wives who found out they had an account with Ashley Madison.

A study says that surgeons who wake up in the middle of the night to perform an operation have the same success rate as those who get a full night’s sleep. At least as long as they don’t dream they are sawing logs when they are actually sawing someone’s leg.

A study says that the global life span has been increasing, but so do the number of years people are living with pain and disability. Which is like winning an all you can eat buffet for life, only to find out it can only be redeemed at Taco Bell.

A study says that among young blacks, higher student debt is tied to getting less sleep. Mostly because of the 12 minimum wage jobs they need to stay awake for to try to pay off their degree.

Statistics indicate that school lunches are becoming healthier. Students are losing weight mostly because they are eating less because they take all the fruits and vegetables they are being served and toss them in the trash.

Dr. Ben Carson gave a talk where he suggested doing away with the Department of Veteran Affairs. Mostly because with 15,000 government e-mail addresses found on Ashley Madison, it’s pretty obvious which kind of affairs federal workers are interested in.

A study says the oldest sister in a family is at the greatest risk of obesity. Mostly because they are bigger than their siblings making it easier to steal everyone else’s dessert.

A study says that when couples giggle together it is an indication their relationship will last. Except when the giggling only happens when the man takes off his pants.

A study picks the peak months for college students’ first drug use. Which is mostly for antidepressants after the student gets their first bill for their tuition loans.

A study picks the peak months for college students’ first drug use. Which is usually about a week after the beginning of whatever month that classes at their particular college start.

Bread is being recalled in seven states because it could contain glass. Which brings a whole new meaning to the term “sliced bread.”

The first child to be the recipient of a double hand transplant has been released from his hospital in Pennsylvania. The child and the rest of his family will now use their hands to put together and pray that their insurance company will pay their medical bills.

Donald Trump says he is considering signing a pledge to support the Republican nominee in order to get on some states’ primary ballots. Mostly because now that he is officially a politician no one will care if he lies and goes back on his word.

Major League Baseball has won a collusion case against Barry Bonds where the slugger says the league conspired with teams to keep him out of baseball. At least he still has the chance to sue the doctors who conspired to give him those all steroids that turned him into a home run machine without his consent.

Major League Baseball has won a collusion case against Barry Bonds where the slugger says the league conspired with teams to keep him out of baseball. Even Pete Rose is telling Bonds to take some responsibility for his own mistakes.

Major League Baseball has won a collusion case against Barry Bonds where the slugger says the league conspired with teams to keep him out of baseball. At least he can still pursue his claims of conspiracy against him by his fans, sponsors and the Hall of Fame.

A sports statistician’s Prediction Machine has picked the Packers over the Colts in Super Bowl 50. Not only that, but it is going out on a limb to say the Super Bowl TV commercials will be full of half-naked women, trucks and puppies.

A sports statistician’s Prediction Machine has picked the Packers over the Colts in Super Bowl 50. Which means that hissing sound you hear is the air being taken out of Tom Brady’s hope for a repeat win.

A sports statistician’s Prediction Machine has picked the Packers over the Colts in Super Bowl 50. And that the Raiders will pretty much again be eliminated right around week number three.

For the first time ever, 1 Billion people used Facebook on a single day. Which shows that world hunger is worse than thought because it means the other 6 Billion people on the planet had no breakfast to post pictures of online.

For the first time ever, 1 out of every 7 people on the planet used Facebook on the same day. The other 6 actually had real friends off the Internet they could talk to and hang out with.

Online room rental site Airbnb has appointed a former aide to Bill Clinton as their head of global policy. And who better than someone who has worked for Bill Clinton to know how to get people into a strange bed every night?

American astronauts on the International Space Station are getting by on drinking recycled pee from Russian cosmonauts. Which is no big deal other than having to always have breath smelling of vodka and borscht.

Donald Trump was slammed by Ricky Martin in an op-ed on Univision, saying that a political hopeful should not be allowed to plant his campaign in insult and humiliation. Apparently Martin has never listened to any of Trump’s speeches, heard of Rosie O’Donnell or seen any episodes of “The Apprentice.”

Univision’s Jorge Ramos says that reporters need to get tougher on Donald Trump. Although any reporters who want to take on Trump know the best way to see him disappear from the polls is to just let him keep talking.

A debt ridden graduate of the University of Miami Law School is trying to sell his degree on Craigslist for $210,000. The sad part is that the piece of paper is actually worth about the same as one for $210,000 in stock for Pets.com.
 

A debt ridden graduate of the University of Miami Law School is trying to sell his degree on Craigslist for $210,000. That was for the full cost of the degree, which was $90,000 for the degree and his $120,000 South Beach bar tab.

This weekend marks the tenth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Coincidentally, it also marks the ninth anniversary of FEMA making it into New Orleans.
 
That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Once again, Donald Trump makes up for a mostly slow news day. You can always count on Trump to not only give the set up but also the punch lines. Just imagine the material for jokes if he is elected President. not just from his statements, but the inevitable collapse of the economy, foreign relations and civilization in general. Won’t that be great? At least if he is elected we still have until January 20, 2017 to find a way off the planet. In the meantime, make the best of the time we have left to make sure and remember to send the love!

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that 82% of Americans say that having cellphones hurts conversations in social gatherings. The other 18% were looking at their cellphones asking “what’s a conversation?”

Washington, D.C. has been rated as having the worst traffic in the nation, with the average commuter being stuck in traffic 82 hours a year. Which shows that Congress isn’t the only place in town that can’t get anywhere because of gridlock.

Washington, D.C. has been rated as having the worst traffic in the nation, with the average commuter being stuck in traffic 82 hours a year. Which is a coincidence as 82 hours is exactly the same amount of time Congress is actually in session each year.

Charles Koch blasted President Obama, saying criticism of he and his brother are “beneath the dignity of the President.” Who does Obama think he is, Donald Trump?

HBO has been rated as one of the least diverse networks. Not to say their shows are lacking minority directors and writers, but apparently HBO stands for “Hiring Blacks is Outlawed.”

The CBO says that growth of the federal debt is not sustainable. Apparently they feel that once you get up to $18 Trillion in the red you really need to start acting more responsibly with your money.

Amazon is offering one hour delivery of liquor and beer to customers in Seattle. Mostly the people who need a drink to calm their remorse over all the junk they have bought through Amazon.

Stephen Hawking says black holes could be a passage way into another universe. He came up with his idea by using Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, research on subatomic particles and watching reruns of “Futurama.”

Bernie Sanders says Post Office decisions to close mail sorting plants and slow delivery  times to cut costs have “caused a disaster.” The only question when it comes to the Post Office slowing their delivery is how could anyone even tell?

Ford says it is considering bringing back the Ford Bronco. Apparently they are appealing to Millennials who prefer its smaller size, fuel economy and are too young to remember who O.J. Simpson is.

Colorado theater shooter James Holmes has been sentenced to 12 life sentences along with another 3,318 years in prison. Although if he serves with good behavior he could actually be eligible for parole by as early as the year 4819.

The last Sumatran rhino in the U.S. is being moved to Indonesia to mate with a female there. Apparently he is being forced to move because he was kicked out by his wife here after meeting the Indonesian rhino on Ashley Madison.

A study says the NFL players’ arrest rate is lower than that of 20-39 year old men in the general population. Although shouldn’t the arrest rate of highly paid athletes in visible position like playing for the NFL be around zero?

A study says the NFL players’ arrest rate is lower than that of 20-39 year old men in the general population. Mostly because the other 20-39 year old men can’t get out of being arrested by telling the police they play in the NFL.

A study says the NFL players’ arrest rate is lower than that of 20-39 year old men in the general population. Mostly because the NFL players have an alibi while everyone else is getting arrested for getting drunk and starting fights on NFL Sundays.

Burger King is inviting McDonald’s to collaborate on a hamburger called the “McWhopper.” It would be offered with a meal option that would come with fries, a drink and access to a defibrillator.

Burger King is inviting McDonald’s to collaborate on a hamburger called the “McWhopper.” But why stop there? Why not appeal to every American’s preferences and make a McWhopperbaconatorthickburgerLittleCaesar’spretzelcrust?

Starkist has settled a lawsuit claiming their tuna cans were too light. The worst part was when the judge handed down his decision by telling the company’s legal team “Sorry, Charlie.”

Starkist has settled a lawsuit claiming some tuna cans contained just more than half the amount on the label. The good news is that the company will take advantage of the findings with their new slogan “Only half the mercury!”

RadioShack has reached a tentative settlement over money still owed people who have their gift cards. The embarrassing part is for people to admit their family or friends only rated them good enough to give them a gift card to RadioShack.

Tinder says the hottest men college students on their ratings come from Georgetown and the hottest women from Florida State. The ratings were compiled based on interest from all the older people checking them out from their accounts over at Ashley Madison.

A Target store in Chicago will start selling alcohol and also serve alcoholic drinks on the site. Is that a good idea to allow people to get drunk in a store where they allow open carry of weapons and have their bullseye logo plastered everywhere?

Donald Trump says he will not eat Oreo cookies anymore since their manufacturing sites have been moved out of the country. Let’s hope that he doesn’t take the same stance about clothing and starts making all his appearances in the nude.

A survey says that 83% of Americans are forced to take their Social Security benefits before full retirement age. Mostly because that is the number of people who find they are pretty much out of luck with trying to find any work after they turn 45.

A survey says that 83% of Americans are forced to take their Social Security benefits before full retirement age. The other 17% are waiting until they can actually afford to retire which should be sometime after they make it to 93.

A Wisconsin woman’s vigorous flossing resulted in her developing a knee infection. You know you are flossing a bit too hard when the string actually cuts through your jaw and slices into your leg.

A Wisconsin woman’s vigorous flossing resulted in her developing a knee infection. She is also seeking medical attention for the herpes she caught from a toilet seat.

An amputee group is fighting a Medicare proposal to limit coverage of prosthetics. What’s worse is their legal team is telling them they don’t have a leg to stand on.

A study says that a woman’s sexuality partially depends on her romantic options. Which makes it hard to believe there are any straight women left with the choices of men they can date.

The CDC says 1 in 5 American children and teens are obese. The other 4 say they are trying, but they just need a minute to stop eating so they can catch their breath.

The CDC says 1 in 5 American children and teens are obese. The other 4 say they want to be more responsible and hold off being dangerously overweight until they are adults.

Cancer sniffing dogs are reportedly going to be used to help British doctors. The worst part will be walking into a doctor’s office for a prostate exam and being greeted at the door by a pit bull.

A TV show based on extramarital affairs website Ashley Madison is reportedly in the works. Don’t we already have that? They’re called soap operas.

A TV show based on extramarital affairs website Ashley Madison is reportedly in the works. Apparently it is being described as Jerry Springer without the chair throwing.

Josh Duggar has reportedly entered rehab. No one even knew there was a facility that had a program to cure someone from being a douche bag.

Justin Theroux says married life “feels different.” No kidding it feels different from everyone else when you get to wake up every morning next to Jennifer Aniston.

Snooki says that reports are false that her husband had an account on Ashley Madison. Also, he stays out late on Friday nights because he has to work, has two cell phones because of business and all those women he messages on Facebook are just friends.

Snooki says that reports are false that her husband had an account on Ashley Madison. Anyone marrying a cast member from “Jersey Shore” would be much more likely to be over on Meet-an-inmate.

Taylor Swift reportedly mouthed “I love you” to her boyfriend Calvin Harris onstage. Apparently this time she knows it is real as their relationship has lasted more than two dates without her writing a song about him.

Taylor Swift reportedly mouthed “I love you” to her boyfriend Calvin Harris onstage. Her album is doing so well that she is planning on keeping him around as she won’t need any new song material for another few weeks.

Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson says the special water he endorses prevented him from getting a concussion during the playoff game against the Packers last year. Although at least a concussion would have given him an excuse for the pass he threw on the last play of the Super Bowl.

The Philadelphia Phillies say they are going to expand protective netting around their ballpark. Although any Phillies fans who are truly worried about being hit by a ball can always guarantee safety with a seat in the outfield bleachers.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says his decision on reinstating Pete Rose will be made before the end of the year. Apparently fans figure if he gets a job on TV as an analyst it will keep him off any more appearances on QVC.

A report says that 75 Million users downloaded a free version of Windows 10 in the first month. Mostly just for the additional security features that will prevent anyone from hacking their account with Ashley Madison.

A police hotline for phone leads into the Ashley Madison hacking case in Toronto has reportedly been ringing continuously. Mostly from women calling to see if it is justifiable homicide to shoot their husband for having an account.

A report says the two most common passwords for Ashley Madison accounts were “123456” and “password.” Which means those men can at take comfort in knowing anyone that dumb was going to be caught by their wives at some point anyways.

The CEO of Univision says Donald Trump’s behavior towards one of their reporters was “beneath contempt.” The good news is that is the nicest thing anyone in the media said about Trump all week.

Joe Biden is reportedly deciding whether his heart is in for a run at the White House. Once he figures out that body part he will spend the rest of his time working on trying to keep his foot out of his mouth.

Donald Trump says he doesn’t want an endorsement from former KKK leader David Duke. Mostly because he doesn’t need it since the KKK is pretty much his voting base.

The Iran hostages may finally get compensation for their ordeal 35 years ago. Not only that, but the proposed treaty with Iran contains a clause that says they will also finally be untied and have their gags removed.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad note in the world of broadcasting and for yours, truly. Yesterday’s tragic shooting deaths of the reporter and photographer in Roanoke, Virgina was a shock to the industry. Two young people just starting out their careers gunned down by a disgruntled former employee is just such a terrible waste no matter how you look at it. It really hit home when I realized the young woman reporter Alison Parker and her boyfriend who is a news anchor at the same station were sitting at the same table as me at the Associated Press Awards banquet in Charlottesville, VA earlier this year. I had a conversation with them and they seemed very nice. Just a young couple who had their whole careers and lives ahead of them until yesterday when it all came crashing down. Nothing more to say about it, just another unexplainable tragedy. So instead of sending the love this way, I would like you all to take a few minutes to remember those people in your own way and keep their families, friends and coworkers in your thoughts.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Roger Ailes says that Donald Trump owes Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly an apology. To which Trump says she will just have to wait her turn in a very long line.

Roger Ailes says that Donald Trump owes Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly an apology. To which Trump says he would apologize to Kelly and everyone else he offended but the problem is there are only 24 hours in a day.

A school in Massachusetts is being sued by a family who says Wi-Fi there made their son sick. As opposed to all the other students that use Wi-Fi for all their electronic devices that just make them dumb.

A report says that falling oil prices are raising fears of political unrest. Except in the Middle East where for the first time in 15 years no one has a reason to try to invade.

A report says that falling oil prices are raising fears of political unrest. Especially among oil company executives who can only afford to buy one additional vacation home this year.

A report says that survivalists or “preppers” are preparing to be the last ones standing if the Internet goes down which they fear will cause the planet to come to a standstill. Which means they are picturing a scenario where everyone is on AOL.

A report says that survivalists or “preppers” are preparing to be the last ones standing if the Internet goes down which they fear will cause the planet to come to a standstill. Although world order will still be possible if the Internet shuts down but just as long as all the Starbucks are able to stay open.

Refugees are racing to get into Hungary before a border fence can be completed. To which Republicans in the U.S. are saying if Hungary will take Donald Trump it will solve the immigration problems for both of them.

Joe Biden held a conference call with hundreds of Democratic Party leaders about the Iran nuclear deal. Although the best way to get the deal passed would be to make Iran’s leaders have to listen to Biden on the phone for a few hours.

The world’s oldest wombat has joined dating app Tinder. The news shocked many people. Isn’t she already married to Prince Charles?

Brazil’s Azul Airlines is offering all you can fly monthly passes for Americans. To which Mark Sanford is saying if they had that back in 2009 he would still be Governor of South Carolina.

Brazil’s Azul Airlines is offering all you can fly monthly passes for Americans. United Airlines already has a similar deal. Buy a round trip ticket and you might be back where you started within a month.

A survey says that Americans see job prospects as the best since 2007. No one had any idea there were that many 7-Eleven stores getting ready to open this year.

A survey says that Americans see job prospects as the best since 2007. That’s good news for the people who have seen employment prospects stay the same as 2007 which is the last time they had a job.

Extramarital affairs site Ashley Madison is being sued by clients after their membership status was hacked and made public. The plaintiffs are suing to let the website know what it feels like to be suddenly looking at losing half of everything you own.

Uber is working with the University of Arizona for help with mapping and programming driverless cars. To which everyone in Arizona says they don’t care where the car they are in is going as long as the A/C is working.

A report says that 26% of employers could face the Obamacare “Cadillac Tax” on the most generous health insurance plans. Which is not to be confused with the people who can’t afford health insurance because they are living in the back seat of a 1964 Cadillac.

A report says that 26% of employers could face the Obamacare “Cadillac Tax” on the most generous health insurance plans. Or as most people refer to unaffordable and costly health care plans, “health insurance.”

A man who worked for the company that owns Church’s Chicken lost a lawsuit claiming the company stole his recipe for a chicken sandwich. The company was able to convince the court they already had a similar recipe which pretty much called for putting some chicken between two slices of bread.

Joy Behar is returning as cohost to “The View.” She left the show back in 2013 but apparently has rested her lungs enough to be able to try again to shout her opinions over the other cohosts.

Israel has downgraded Heinz ketchup, labeling it instead as “tomato seasoning.” To which upset executives at Heinz replied saying “That isn’t Kosher!”

A dental insurer is offering a plan based on an Internet connected toothbrush. The bad part is if it works, how health insurance companies are going to start covering prostate exams.

A dental insurer is offering a plan based on an Internet connected toothbrush. The plan will be offered in Alabama just as soon as the state actually gets connected to the Internet. And the people get some teeth.

A report says that 20% of new car owners don’t use half the available technology. Mostly because before they can get around to trying it they crash the car using the technology that allows them to text while driving.

The FDA says the vegan mayonnaise product called “Just Mayo” can’t use that name because it has no eggs. Which has Taco Bell worried that it may not be able to call anything on its menu Mexican “food.”

The FDA says the vegan mayonnaise product called “Just Mayo” can’t use that name because it has no eggs. Which has fast food restaurants worried that they will have to drop the term “hamburger” because they don’t contain any ham.

Geico will pay $6 Million to settle rate discrimination charges in California that targeted women, people in low paying and non-professional jobs. It’s hard to believe a company would discriminate like that in this day and age. What are they, a bunch of cavemen?

A judge approved a settlement where Exxon will pay New Jersey $225 Million over a pollution lawsuit. New Jersey was asking for $8.9 Billion but Exxon was able to convince the court that was how the state already looked when they got there.

A judge approved a settlement where Exxon will pay New Jersey $225 Million over a pollution lawsuit. And that was just to compensate people who wandered into an Exxon gas station restroom.

A report says the first driverless vehicle to actually be on the road will be a truck in Florida. It will be easy to spot as it will be the only truck on the highways that will not be equipped with a gun rack in the back window.

A poll says Americans’ view of oil companies is improving. Or as psychologists are calling it, proof that there is such a thing as the Stockholm syndrome.

A poll says Americans’ view of oil companies is improving. Which will last at least as long as they aren’t being extorted at the pump for $4 a gallon gasoline.

A study says that many young adults see hookahs and e-cigs as being safer than regular cigarettes. Which is pretty much like saying that being hit with a daisy cutter or bunker buster is much preferable than being blown up by an atomic bomb.

A report says that U.S. kids outweigh those in Canada. The reason is that while Canadian children keep their teeth busy chattering from the cold, while American kids are using theirs to buzz-saw through an entire pack of Oreos.

A report says that U.S. kids outweigh those in Canada. While our kids can’t compete in the classroom, we still outclass the rest of the world when it comes to the cafeteria.

A study says that exercising and taking fish oil supplements may not help keep the elderly sharper. Mostly because once people get past 80, the last thing they want to do is remember to take fish oil or do some exercising.

A study says that school lunch fruits and vegetables often end up being tossed in the trash. Mostly because students have no idea that there are other uses for bananas besides splits, apples other than pie or carrots outside of cake.

A study says that skipping high blood pressure pills may raise the risk of heart failure. Although not as much as when the patients get their pharmacy bill for their prescription for the pills.

New technology developed by British scientists could make for pain free tooth repair. Although any dental technology advanced in England should be taken with the same caution as any personal hygiene breakthroughs pioneered in France.

Researchers say that the number of dementia cases could double worldwide in the next 20 years. The good news is that it could lead to the formation of a completely new country to deal with the problem, “Alzheimestan.”

Scientists say that the number of dementia cases could double worldwide in the next 20 years. Researchers say it was either that or maybe even triple, they can never seem to remember which one it is.

A study says that steroid shots are no better for back pain than placebos. In fact, the only people who seem to be helped with steroid shots are those trying to work up to a 40 home run season.

McDonald’s says it will open its first restaurant in Siberia. Although the people in that region of the world know that while they are looking forward to trying McDonald’s burgers, no one is better at grilling than the KGB.

Bruce Springsteen’s album “Born To Run” is turning 40 years old. Not to say Springsteen is getting a little older, but his next album has a working title of “Born To Take A Brisk Power Walk Through The Mall.”

Celine Dion says her husband wants to die in her arms. Mostly because if her arms are tied down and not thrashing around, it makes it almost impossible for her to sing that “Titanic” song.

A study says the NFL has no crime problem. Apparently the study was done by the same group Coca-Cola paid to do studies saying that soft drinks don’t make people fat.

A study says the NFL has no crime problem. The players just have a problem in being constantly arrested for the crimes they are committing.

A study says the NFL has no crime problem. Commit a crime, get suspended for two games. No problem!

A survey says that most Millennials expect loss or theft of their personal data online. Which they don’t care about since the only thing most of them have to their name are their college tuition loans.

Stephen Hawking says there could be a way out of a black hole. Or at least there is a better chance than getting out of a contract with a cable or cellphone company.

Uber is starting lunch delivery service in Washington, D.C. If it works it could open the door for a whole new venture shuttling back and forth between K Street and Capitol Hill delivering all the money from the lobbyists to the congressmen they are bribing.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Donald Trump is in trouble with Fox News for bashing Megyn Kelly. Which is just good to see that he can also be just as obnoxious to people who were born in America. To be fair, Trump should apologize to her, at least if she is willing to apologize for calling herself a “journalist.” All I know is that I am not apologizing to anyone. You read this blog at your own risk. I expect no apologies either, just an occasional expectation of you all taking time to remember to send the love!

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Dow Jones started off the work week by losing more than 1,000 points which was dubbed “Black Monday.” The good news is that it was the first time people on Wall Street paid attention to something in the news that started with the word “Black.”

The stock market drop has cost American households $1.8 Trillion in wealth. Or as Congress calls burning up nearly $2 Trillion, a pretty good year.

The stock market drop has cost American households $1.8 Trillion in wealth on paper. Which is the problem in America, in that most people have their wealth on paper but when it comes to being broke they know for real.

A survey says economists have a dimmer outlook on the economy, wages and hiring. Although not as dim as the economists when it comes to their ability to predict what is happening with the world’s financial situation.

A survey says economists have a dimmer outlook on the economy, wages and hiring. The good news is that at least we are now in a position where things could actually get worse.

The White House says its best decision was picking Joe Biden for Vice President. Mostly because he makes President Obama look so much smarter by comparison.

The White House says its best decision was picking Joe Biden for Vice President. Mostly because he was the only candidate who was willing to take the job for less than $15 an hour.

A report says that many comedians are dumping gigs on college campuses, saying their audiences have become too critical. But then it’s tough to keep a sense of humor when you realize the degree you will be paying off the next 30 years will be lucky to get you a job at the local 7-Eleven.

A 920 pound alligator was pulled from a lake in Alabama. The only place you will ever find a larger gator is in the all you can eat section at home football games for the University of Florida.

An airport in London is spiking its food with “happy hormones” to enhance passengers’ moods. Although they could make everyone a lot happier if they would instead just put it into the snacks for the TSA agents.

An airport in London is spiking its food with “happy hormones” to enhance passengers’ moods. Although they would get the same effect if they just gave away a six pack of beer with every sandwich.

Police are investigating charges that Mel Gibson assaulted a female photographer in Australia. Gibson claims the tirade came as a result that he was still in character. As Mel Gibson.

A report says that salad is overrated for people’s diets as well as for the environment. Which is just more bad news for the three people who are still actually vegetarians.

A right to die group in Minnesota was fined $30,000 for assisting in a suicide. They were just lucky that since they believe in the right to die that the judge didn’t give them the death penalty.

A 100 year old woman from Argentina has just become a U.S. citizen. Which means the Republicans have actually come up with a path to citizenship, which is becoming naturalized out of fear that Donald Trump will be elected and send them all packing.

South Korea has reportedly agreed to stop broadcasting propaganda as North Korea has expressed regret over a border skirmish. Although diplomats are more interested in when North Korea is going to apologize for Kim Jong-un’s haircut.

Kenya has been ordered to give teachers a 50% pay raise. The teachers had asked for more money saying they must be good as they educated someone who made it all the way to becoming President of the U.S.

The U.S. is reportedly reviewing war plans to help South Korea in case they are attacked by North Korea. It’s bad enough we can’t get out of the wars we are in, but now we are looking at going back into old wars we already got out of.

President Obama is planning to fly to New Orleans on Thursday to commemorate the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. In the tradition of George W. Bush, Air Force One will make several flyovers back and forth throughout the week before actually coming in for a landing.

Starbucks' CEO is telling baristas that the stock market drop may cause high stress levels in customers. In other words, the company is not responsible for what happens to baristas if they serve the wrong person a double shot espresso macchiato.

The price of oil has dropped under $39 a barrel for the first time since 2009. While the people in the Middle East are lamenting the loss of revenue, at least they are glad that the rest of the world at least for now doesn’t have an incentive to invade.

Chipotle says it will be hiring 4,000 people in one day next month. The jobs will reportedly be entry level positions. Remember when the economy was strong enough that all jobs at fast food restaurants were automatically assumed to be entry level?

A report says that $2 a gallon gasoline could be coming soon. There has been a real trend towards nostalgia recently with low gas prices reminiscent of the 1970s, the Korean conflict reminding us of the 1950s and the stock market taking us back to 1929.

Consumer Reports says E. coli and other contaminants were found in all 300 packages that were tested from around the country. Fortunately for McDonald’s customers, the levels were nearly as low as the amount of beef actually found in any of their burgers.

McDonald’s is set to open their first restaurant in Siberia. It’s the one where people will actually pay to be the ones to have scalding coffee dumped in their lap just to feel warmer.

A report says that hospitals across the country are building bigger rooms to accommodate their obese patients. Apparently they have figured out that it’s smart to give the best service to the customers who they know will keep coming back.

Three Americans and a British man who stopped a train attack were awarded the French Legion of Honor medal for heroism. Fortunately, there were plenty of medals available to give out as it’s not like they are going to ever have to award one to someone from France.

A study has shed light on what dooms most marriages. Which after this week is pretty much the hackers’ release of all the names of the members of Ashley Madison.

McDonald’s is set to open their first restaurant in Siberia. It’s the one where the authorities make sure the customers have a better chance of being grilled than the patties.

A study says that once girls start having sex they lose friends, while boys make more friends. The boys make more friends because all the other boys want them to tell which girls are willing to have sex.

A study says that once girls start having sex they lose friends, while boys make more friends. The girls lose friends other than the boys who found out they are willing to have sex.

A report says Jared Fogle’s non-profit Jared Foundation that was set up to fight childhood obesity was a sham. Although in his defense, thousands of young children have lost weight after learning to run when they see him coming.

Rapper Wiz Kalifa was reportedly restrained by police for riding a hoverboard at LAX. Apparently he made the mistake of booking a flight on United and got impatient and just wanted to see what it was like to actually get off the ground if just for a few seconds.

A German couple found a message in a bottle that was put in the ocean 108 years ago by an English researcher. The message reportedly said “Please toss this bottle away for me.”

A German couple found a message in a bottle that was put in the ocean 108 years ago by an English researcher. The message reportedly said “Help! Out of beer.”

Comcast says it plans to have 1 gigabit per second Internet available to all its customers nationwide by 2018. Which coincidentally when all the people using AOL dial up will get the news release delivered to their e-mail.

Comcast says it plans to have 1 gigabit per second Internet available to all its customers nationwide by 2018. At least the ones who order it at least by no later than some time this week.

Microsoft’s Windows 95 turns 20 years old this week. The company is already planning the 20th anniversary of Windows Vista where they will see if they can get a computer powered by the operating system to actually be able to boot up.

A web site called Furry Friend generates a cat purring noise for cat lovers. Which is only fitting since the computer making the noise will move about the same distance from the desktop where it is sitting as the cat on the couch it is mimicking.

A web site called Furry Friend generates a cat purring noise for cat lovers. Not only that, but but for hard core cat lovers the computer will also take the dust in its intake vents and convert it into a realistic replica of a hairball.

Several new apps are available that help people locate their car in a parking lot. Which the car’s owner wouldn’t have lost if they would have been paying attention when they parked instead of looking at all their other cellphone apps.

A company is planning to offer to take portions of the ashes of the deceased and send them to the Moon. What’s bad are the people whose feelings about their family members are apparent when they say it would be more fitting to send them to Uranus.

A company is planning to offer to take portions of the ashes of the deceased and send them to the Moon.  Which is a pretty cheap way to get out of having to pay those monthly cemetery landscaping fees.

A British company says it is working on a hydrogen fuel cell that can power a cellphone for up to a week without recharging. How much are we tied to our cellphones that a battery isn’t enough to run them and they now need their own fuel tank?

A British company says it is working on a hydrogen fuel cell that can power a cellphone for up to a week without recharging. Although most people are waiting for the helium fuel cells that make it sound like the call is coming from Mickey Mouse.

A survey says that half of all federal workers use their personal devices to access work e-mails. No one even had any idea that many government employees were on the mailing list of Hillary Clinton.

A survey says that half of all federal workers use their personal devices to access work e-mails. Mostly because their work issued devices are all tied up with their account at Ashley Madison.

NASA satellite images show that California is sinking at a faster rate than thought from the drought. Which is ironic that a drought is causing the state to sink faster than it did when all the homeowners in the state were still underwater.

A report says that a Joe Biden presidential candidacy would test his friendship with Hillary. Not only that, but Bill is going to be furious if he doesn’t get a chance to get back into the White House so he can go back to offering private tours as his pickup line.

Bernie Sanders was asked how a Joe Biden run would affect his chances to win the 2016 nomination to which he said “I just don’t know.” But then at his age he says the same thing when he was asked what he had for breakfast.

Bernie Sanders was asked how a Joe Biden run would affect his chances to win the 2016 nomination to which he said “I just don’t know.” Which is exactly the same answer Republican candidates are saying when asked what crazy thoughts will come out of Donald Trump’s mouth next.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the stock market is crashing again. At least it can’t be blamed on someone texting while behind the wheel. The good news is all the stock “experts” who have been predicting another crash since the last one seven years ago can finally say they were right and we won’t have to listen to them again for at least a little while. I am happy to report that shareholders in this blog have not lost a dime. And I have not made one, so I guess we’re all even. I think. In any event, I accept my shares when all of you log on to the site every day and then take the time to remember to always send the love!

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that immigration has overtaken the economy as the biggest concern in the UK. Still finishing last on the list of concerns in the UK is dental hygiene.

A report says that immigration has overtaken the economy as the biggest concern in the UK. Which means that if Donald Trump starts falling in the polls here he might start checking out the English Constitution to see if there is a way he can run for King.

A report says that immigration has overtaken the economy as the biggest concern in the UK. If the people in the UK want to keep out any foreigners from coming in to their country, the one word they need to remember is “haggis.”

A report says that immigration has overtaken the economy as the biggest concern in the UK. Apparently now that Donald Trump is leading in the presidential polls, Mexicans are giving up on crossing the border and feel they have a better chance swimming across the Atlantic.

The Clinton campaign is reportedly on alert for an undercover conservative sting. As opposed to the wide open conservative sting against the Clinton campaign called Fox News.

Scientists are warning that a major solar storm hitting the Earth could cause the planet to go dark. Which could result in the worst nightmare for millions or people being forced to look up from their iPhone and actually have a conversation with another human.

A Florida man was arrested for assaulting a woman with sauerkraut. Coincidentally, his name was Reuben.

The world’s 400 richest people lost a combined $182 Billion in last week’s stock market plunge. Which was great news for the ones who needed a tax write off for the trillions of dollars they made taking everyone else’s money by creating the mortgage crisis.

Pope Francis I reportedly wants to enter the U.S. by coming across the Mexican Border. The only problem will be that as a South American, the only way he will be able to do that will be if there is a big enough trunk in the PopeMobile.

A study says for some people, being single brings the most happiness. Which at least is some good news for the millions of men who are about to become single again when their wives see they had an account on Ashley Madison.

A study says for some people, being single brings the most happiness. Which is great news for people who don’t even have to think about getting married while paying off their college debt with a minimum wage job while living in their parents’ basement.

The stock market dropped more than 1,000 points last week on the weakening of the Chinese economy. American investors are worried that if China goes broke, who will be left to still loan the U.S. any money?

Donald Trump told a crowd in Arizona that he wants the election “to be held tomorrow.” Mostly because he knows even the American electorate won’t be buying what he has to sell all the way through 2016.

A report says that airlines are upscaling their amenities for high-paying fliers. The rumors are that in First Class they actually book only one person to a seat.

A report says that airlines are upscaling their amenities for high-paying fliers. Which in the case of United Airlines means they get booked with someone else.

The Dow dropped more than 1,000 points last week. To which Jeb Bush is saying “Welcome to my world.”

The Obama Administration says that China shouldn’t be so reliant on exports. Although an end to Chinese exports would mean Americans would be naked with no iPhone when they go to Wal-Mart to find all the shelves empty.

A study says that Instagram makes people sad when they follow too many strangers. As opposed to the 5,000 “friends” on their Facebook account whom they have never met.

Colt is asking a bankruptcy judge for $2.5 Million for payments for nine top executives. Which pretty much explains how the company went bankrupt in the first place.

Colt is asking a bankruptcy judge for $2.5 Million for payments for nine top executives. To which the judge is complaining that it’s like the company is holding a gun to his head.

Michael Jordan was awarded $8.9 Million in a lawsuit about his name being used in an ad without permission, to which is says “It was never about the money.” At least other than the $10 Million he was suing for in the first place.

The Army says it is testing a hearing drug at a rifle range. It’s just too bad the military didn’t use a hearing drug on Congress and the White House when everyone was trying to tell them not to get us into the war in Iraq.

Data says that 7 Million Americans have gone at least a year without making any payments on their federal student loans. Which is ironic in that they are handling their debt pretty much like the federal government that loaned them their money.

Jimmy Fallon reportedly chipped a tooth while trying to open a jar after nearly losing a finger in another household accident. Which means he really needs to stop accepting gift boxes sent over by Conan O’Brien.

A report says that Ashley Madison users are now facing extortion. Mostly from their wives who are talking about taking half of everything they own.

A study says that paying off small loans can motivate people to take care of their larger debts. Or as the mob says, paying off the money that can result in a broken thumb could be the start to keeping both legs from being fractured.

A study says that paying off small loans can motivate people to take care of their larger debts. The only problem is that for most people who are paying on time for their car, home and college tuition there are no such things as small loans.

Government workers are coping with the fallout from the Ashley Madison hacks that revealed 15,000 accounts with government e-mail addresses. Which federal employees are now calling it the good old days when they only had to worry about being exposed by Edward Snowden.

Budweiser is taking exception to a “Queen of Beer” campaign by a craft beer maker that they feel infringes on their “King of Beers” trademark. Although Budweiser says it would have no objection to them using the nobility titles of Landgrave, Viscount or Marquess of beers.

A study says a byproduct of the Middle East wars is less air pollution. Especially after the war in Iraq pushed oil prices around the world over $100 a barrel.

A study says a byproduct of the Middle East wars is less air pollution. Which is ironic in how a war over oil actually ended up getting rid of smog.

A study says a byproduct of the Middle East wars is less air pollution. Mostly because all the Middle Eastern countries are switching over to cleaner nuclear power so they can some day have the bomb.

A study says that doctors play an important role in their patients’ weight loss. Mostly by not leaving them any money to buy food once they pay off their medical bills.

A study says that heavy smoking is linked with pot bellies. Mostly for people who are smoking pot which in turn leads to all night sessions at Papa John’s, Domino’s and Little Caesar’s.

A study says that heavy smoking is linked with pot bellies. Which is a real let down for smokers who years ago switched over to light cigarettes.

A study says that heavy smoking is linked with pot bellies. Mostly for the people who think that chocolate tastes especially good after smoking menthol cigarettes.

A study says that 3 of 4 marijuana dispensaries in L.A. are illegal. The first clue is when the business address is given as the trunk of a 1987 Buick parked behind a laundromat.

Researchers say that playing football before age 12 may hurt the brain. But not as much as after age 21 sitting on the couch all day on NFL Sunday’s watching every game while drinking a couple of cases of beer.

UFC champion Ronda Rousey has filed to trademark her catchphrase “Do nothing bitch.” To which the entire Kardashian family is saying that they already have the trademark to Kim.

Nike has built a LaBron James court in the Philippines. To be an official LeBron James court is has a mural of the basketball player along with written instructions on how to give someone the Heimlich Maneuver when they are choking.

A Yale computer scientist has developed a program that creates music close enough to Bach’s that people can’t tell them apart. The only problem is that he is already being sued by the estate of Marvin Gaye.

A Yale computer scientist has developed a program that creates music close enough to Bach’s that people can’t tell them apart. His next project is to program nails across a chalkboard that people can’t tell apart from the music of Justin Bieber.

Apple is offering a free fix for blurry photos that are taken by some iPhone 6 Plus cameras. The first thing they do is suggest that next time the person sobers up before trying to take some pictures.

Apple is offering a free fix for blurry photos that are taken by some iPhone 6 Plus cameras. Although most people appreciate when some pictures are blurry, especially the selfies that are too out of focus for their friends to post on Facebook.

The Dow loss of more than 1,000 points last week has put the market into what is being called a correction. If losing shares is called a correction, then Sears says it has been on a self-improvement kick for years.

A study says that humans are the world’s top superpredators who kill at a faster rate than all other carnivores. Especially when we get behind the wheel with our cellphones after drinking.

The first wolf pack in decades has been spotted in Northern California. No one expected to ever see a pack of wolves in California at least until Fox News found out that is where Hillary Clinton would be campaigning.

Presidential candidate Marco Rubio says U.S. competitiveness is on the wane. Which is apparent especially with Rubio who can’t get out of single digits in his polling numbers.

Presidential candidate Marco Rubio says U.S. competitiveness is on the wane. Which is evident by the fact that out of 16 candidates who have declared for the Republican nomination, the other 15 are still losing to Donald Trump.

Samsung is letting iPhone users “test drive” their phones for a month. Which has been working out fine until people never come back after thinking it meant to drive while using the Samsung phone.

Republican presidential candidates are refusing to stop using the term “anchor babies” which some people say is offensive. Not only that, but many think they are saying “anchor babes” in referring to any of the newscasters over on Fox.

Animal rights activists interrupted a speech by Chris Christie in Iowa. Mostly because when they saw him on the stage they assumed it was a demonstration to save the whales.

 Animal rights activists interrupted a speech by Chris Christie in Iowa. Apparently they got worried seeing someone the size of Christie getting that close to where they were keeping the cows, sheep and chickens.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s been a tough week on Wall Street where more than a thousand points were lost. But no one has had it any tougher than the men who are trying to convince their wives they thought Ashley Madison was a website where they could buy Ashley furniture on Madison Avenue. Although the people who lost a bundle on paper in the market are way better off than the Ashley Madison members who will lose a bundle with the papers they are served by their wive’s divorce attorneys. All I know is the best way to stay out of trouble is by spending all my spare time trying to think up bad jokes. Which even pays off once in awhile when all of you take the time to remember to send the love!

Friday, August 21, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The USDA has issued a regulation to stop using the term “midget” raisins after a group says it is offensive. Not only that, it is no longer racially permissible to say “black” olives and senior groups are saying that apples can no longer be called “Granny Smith.”

George W. Bush has started fundraising for his brother Jeb. Apparently he is raising money by promising he will not be one of his brother’s policy advisers.

George W. Bush has started fundraising for his brother Jeb. He will be using his own reputation and success from his days in the White House with the expectation to raise as much as $47.

An astrophysicist says that warp speed for space travel could be a reality within 100 years. Which is not to be confused with Jared Fogle’s speed of becoming warped going from corporate spokesman to convicted pedophile.

Researchers at Harvard and MIT say the cure for obesity could be an injection away. As opposed with the cause of obesity which is the fillings that are injected into Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Developments in New York City are selling parking spaces to condo owners for $1 Million. Which is still cheaper than the amount it costs to cover the towing and impound fees for just one parking violation in Manhattan.

A report says there are fewer homeless people in New Orleans now than there were right after Hurricane Katrina. Mostly because everyone in New Orleans was pretty much homeless right after Katrina.

Data says that U.S. factories still haven’t recovered from the recession. Many economic experts were surprised. There are still factories in the U.S.?

Josh Duggar has come out and said he has been the “biggest hypocrite ever.” Which was quickly challenged by John Ensign, David Vitter, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Mark Sanford...

Caitlyn Jenner could be facing manslaughter charges over a car accident while she was still Bruce Jenner. Which means to be politically correct the charges may have to be redefined as “trans-slaughter.”

A poll of business owners says that Oprah Winfrey is the person they would most want to be in business with. Mostly because it doesn’t hurt to have a business partner with $3 Billion of available cash they can burn through.

A poll of business owners says that Oprah Winfrey is the person they would most want to be in business with. The only problem is that even with her name and money, she still hasn’t been able to do a thing for Stedman Graham.

A poll of business owners says that Oprah Winfrey is the person they would most want to be in business with. Finishing last on the list was Kim Kardashian, mostly because the only product she has ever been able to sell is Kim Kardashian.

90,000 people have signed a petition to have Jon Stewart moderate a presidential debate. Mostly just for the fact that it would rule out any attempts for Donald Trump to come after him with any suggestions of a hormonal imbalance.

90,000 people have signed a petition to have Jon Stewart moderate a presidential debate. Mostly because most Americans can closely identify with him now that he is officially out of work.

A complaint says that Uber hired 25 drivers with criminal records including murder, child abuse and assault. Although the legal action has nothing to do with the crimes, it is just trying to stop the ride sharing company from stealing all the best cabbies.

A poll says that most Americans want the government to curb rising prescription drug costs. Which is a nice idea until those people look and see how successful the government has ever been in the nation’s history at trying to be responsible with money.

A poll says that most Americans want the government to curb rising prescription drug costs. But, if they can’t do that they can still try to do something about the rising costs of housing, food, health care, taxes, education...

A report says that “boomerang” home buyers who have had homes foreclosed are getting back into the housing market. The term boomerang buyers comes from no matter how hard you try to fix a credit report after being foreclosed, it just keeps coming back.

A study says that a majority of parents say computer science is as important in school as English, math and history. Mostly because thanks to Facebook, Twitter and video games at least their kids have a chance of getting a decent grade with computers.

Two Senators are urging recalls of all vehicles that have Takata airbags. That could amount to more than 34 Million cars being recalled. Or as GM calls that, a pretty busy Tuesday.

Two Senators are urging recalls of all vehicles that have Takata airbags. It’s the first time the Senate has urged a recall concerning an airbag since Bill Clinton was impeached.

Discover has been ranked the top credit card for customer satisfaction. Mostly because since the recession crashed the economy and brought widespread unemployment, Discover is the only card most Americans can still qualify for.

A report from the UK says that e-cigarettes are safer than real cigarettes and can help people quit smoking. Of course, this is the same part of the world that says haggis is an edible and nutritious meal.

A report from the UK says that e-cigarettes are safer than real cigarettes and can help people quit smoking. Which is like saying getting shot with a .22 is not as bad as with a 30.06 but why try out either one firsthand?

A study says the heaviest smokers may gain the most weight after quitting. Which would turn them from the heaviest smokers into the heaviest non-smokers.

A study says the heaviest smokers may gain the most weight after quitting. Mostly because they go from smoking cigarettes to instead smoking beef, pork and chicken.

The Cleveland Clinic is kicking McDonald’s off their campus after 20 years. Mostly because while McDonald’s gave the hospital a lot of business to start with, eventually it would just put all their customers over into the Ronald McDonald House.

The CDC says unsafe habits with contact lenses can put people’s eyes at risk. The biggest problem is not following instructions properly. Which means that people could avoid eye problems if they were just better pupils.

A study says that teenagers who surround themselves with others who are in a good mood have a lower risk of depression. The only problem is that means they would have to stop hanging around with other teenagers.

A new study identifies nine risk factors for Alzheimer’s Disease. Those factors include obesity, depression, high blood pressure and they can’t remember the other six.

Coca-Cola says it will disclose its investments in scientific research and advocacy for public health. The soft drink maker says it doesn’t so much give any companies money as make sure that researchers always have a steady supply of cadavers.

Anna Duggar says she won’t divorce her husband Josh after it was revealed he had accounts with extra-marital affairs site Ashley Madison. She says at least it’s nice he is now attracted to having sex with adults.

Jennifer Aniston is telling how she managed to keep her wedding a secret. Apparently it had to do with only featuring the name of her husband Justin Theroux on the announcements, to which everyone was saying “Who?”

Former Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy says that Peyton Manning was afraid that the New England Patriots were bugging the Colts’ locker room. Mostly as a result of seeing Tom Brady show up to practice wearing an “NSA” T-shirt.

Microsoft has applied for a patent for for a slight electric jolt to be given when an e-mail is delivered. Although suspicions are being raised after the man who was the voice of AOL’s “You’ve got mail” was recently found electrocuted.

Facebook co-founder Dustin Moskovitz says the tech industry is destroying the personal lives of employees. To which Mark Zuckerberg replied by rubbing his hands together, saying “Muaahahaha!”

Facebook co-founder Dustin Moskovitz says the tech industry is destroying the personal lives of employees. To which Mark Zuckerberg says it’s not true and that’s what happens when people don’t just stay at their desk 17 hours a day and do as they are told.

Facebook co-founder Dustin Moskovitz says the tech industry is destroying the personal lives of employees. Fortunately those people can at least go home after working at their technology job all day to post a rant on how bad their job is on their Facebook page.

India’s Kochi Airport is the world’s first to be completely powered by solar energy. Which wouldn’t work in the U.S. since the TSA insists on searching all airline passengers where the sun doesn’t shine.

A company is marketing chewable coffee Go Cubes that have the same taste and effect of drinking coffee. Although if people wanted chewable coffee in the morning they would just stop for a quick morning cup at the closest Burger King.

A company is marketing chewable coffee Go Cubes that have the same taste and effect of drinking coffee. The only problem is for the people who like the warm feeling that goes along with their morning coffee who follow it up by pouring scalding water down their throat.

Netflix is being criticized for excluding lower paid DVD workers from their policy that gives time off following birth or adoption. Mostly because the DVD section workers aren’t paid enough to even have a date let alone think about having a family.

New swimming goggles use technology to help keep swimmers on line. Which won’t be so much a benefit in the pool as it will for passengers on Carnival cruise ships who need accurate directions when they are forced to swim several miles to get back to shore.

Wall Street saw its worst day in 18 months, dropping more than 300 points. And that was just because of what Josh Duggar and Jared Fogle did to the values of the stock of Ashley Madison and Subway.

Researchers say they have trained computers to pick the next top fashion models using algorithms. The trick is to first program them to throw out any potential candidates who weigh more than 74 pounds.

Conan O’Brien says he is trying to get presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee’s numbers up from zero to one percent. To which Chafee is looking at Conan’s ratings over on TBS and saying the same thing.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Congress has been out of session all month, but all I can say is thank goodness for sexual deviants Jared Fogle and Josh Duggar for more than making up for the improper escapades that are normally in the news when Congress is back in town. It is the weekend and I hope you all have plans to enjoy yours. I always enjoy mine a little bit more when you all take the time to remember to always send the love!