Friday, May 27, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says airport screening delays made 70,000 travelers miss their flights on American Airlines. Or as United Airlines calls 70,000 people missing their flight, “Tuesday.”

AAA says 38 Million Americans will be on the road for the holiday weekend. The good news is they will be able to get gas and snacks as the other 268 Million Americans will spend the three day stretch working at their minimum wage jobs at convenience stores.

Wells Fargo has announced home loans with a 3% down payment. The only problem for the bank will be absorbing the other 97% of the cost when the owner goes into foreclosure.

Wells Fargo has announced home loans with a 3% down payment. Apparently the banks feel that people learned their lesson after the 2008 mortgage meltdown, so why should they?

A strip club in Michigan has angered residents with a sign saying “Now hiring Class of 2016.” Although it shouldn’t be that big of a deal since most kids in the Class of 2016 won’t be graduating and looking for work until at least 2018.

A strip club in Michigan has angered residents with a sign saying “Now hiring Class of 2016.” Although the good news is that many of the high school students are staying local and looking for work ever since MTV canceled all their teen mom TV shows.

A neuro specialist says that humans are “programmed” to take a nap in the afternoon. Others are more prone to also need extra sleep time in the morning and evening. They are known as teenagers, DMV workers and air traffic controllers.

San Francisco is the site of the first cannabis-friendly gym. How do you think the ZigZag man got to look so buff?

San Francisco is the site of the first cannabis-friendly gym. It’s for people who want the runner’s high but without all the running.

San Francisco is the site of the first cannabis-friendly gym. It’s the one where the members don’t lift weights that are too heavy, because they don't want to damage their joints.

B.B. King’s estate is being contested by 15 people claiming to be his children from 15 different women. No one had any idea that if he never learned to play the guitar, King had a future in the NBA.

B.B. King’s estate is being contested by 15 people claiming to be his children from 15 different women. At least having 15 kids now explains why he continued to work until he was 89.

A woman was arrested for trying to smuggle meth inside burritos at the U.S. and Mexican border. Which is different than the people who work for Chipotle who only use burritos to smuggle in E.coli.

Donald Trump has now won enough delegates to win the Republican nomination for President. Which means the other 16 original candidates will have the entire summer to sit around and ask “How did that happen?”

Several wrestlers at the University of Minnesota are being investigated for buying and selling drugs. Suspicions were raised when a drug deal went bad and one of the participants was taken to the hospital after being hit on the back with a folding chair.

Several wrestlers at the University of Minnesota are being investigated for buying and selling drugs. Which explains a little more now how the people there once elected Jesse Ventura to be their governor.

The CEO of McDonald’s says there are no plans to replace workers with robots yet. That won’t happen until they can come up with a program that prevents Artificial Intelligence from understanding the concept of unionization.

The CEO of McDonald’s says there are no plans to replace workers with robots yet. Apparently their customers at the drive-thru still like the idea of being surprised with what they get in the bag compared with what they actually ordered.

A study says that 62% of U.S adults get their news from social media. The other 38% are the ones who are too old to understand how to work a mobile device or computer and still get their information from Fox News.

A study says that 62% of U.S adults get their news from social media. Because what better way to know what is going on in the world than to read all cap rants from someone drinking beer in their mobile home who has been out of work three years?

A study says that 62% of U.S adults get their news from social media. Which explains how Donald Trump could become President because all the voters are more concerned with checking in to see what all their Facebook friends had for breakfast.

A poll says that 67% of Americans don’t know anyone with an electric, hybrid or plug-in hybrid vehicle. Apparently the other 33% of the people in the survey are the ones who live in California.

The actor who played “The most interesting man in the world” in beer commercials is locked in a legal battle with his management company. Which doesn’t bode well for him as anyone who is really that interesting would drop the litigation and settle the issue with  a sword fight while swinging from a chandelier.

A survey says that 93% of Millennials believe in impact investing, where they put their money to work to achieve social and environmental goals. As opposed to what past generations know as impact investing where the market crashes and their stockbroker jumps from a 10th floor window.

A report says pending home sales are at the highest level since 2006. Mostly because since 2008, home buyers have had to be on hold pending getting some money, pending a decent job and pending repairing their credit score after their foreclosure.

India says it will not let Apple open any stores there unless they use local sourcing. Apparently the people of India want to for once have some jobs that weren’t stolen from someone else.

A report says Google’s parent company controls 12% of all global media spending. The other 88% is still spent on online standards of pictures of what people ate for breakfast, cat videos and Internet porn.

A survey says that Americans overall are clueless about credit cards and scores. Which is a good thing for Donald Trump as he could be elected President because people feel they can really bond with someone who has declared bankruptcy four times.

An ad agency says South Bend, India lifted a tourism campaign almost verbatim from Salt Lake City. The head of the tourism board could be fired. Not for stealing, but for dropping their tourism goals so low as settling to compete with Salt Lake City.

A report says that marketers are already targeting Generation Z, the children of Millennials. Mostly because they have given up on the previous generation whose life goals are living in their parents’ basement and paying for their video game habit by delivering pizzas.

A study says that 1.2 Million college students drink on an average day. Which is exactly the number of students currently enrolled in colleges other than BYU.

A study says that 1.2 Million college students drink on an average day. Although that number rises to 2.8 Million on a good day.

A study says that 1.2 Million college students drink on an average day. The others have not quite gotten far enough along in their studies to realize how long it will take them to pay off their tuition loans.

A study says that workaholics are linked to anxiety, depression and other psychiatric disorders. Mostly because the people who are always at the office are trying to get away from their home life which is the reason for their mental illness.

A study says that workaholics are linked to anxiety, depression and other psychiatric disorders. Mostly because they are anxious and depressed knowing if they leave the office they will lose their job and go broke.

The WHO has launched a new approach to emergencies to become more nimble, more reactive and more operational. In other words, how most organizations react when there is an emergency.

A report says that Tom Cruise was at one time actually in training to be an astronaut. Which finally explains why he was jumping up and down so high on that couch when he was on Oprah’s show.

Dustin Diamond from “Saved By The Bell” is back in jail after a probation violation. Apparently he was caught in Hollywood trying to pitch a sequel to the show.

Dustin Diamond from “Saved By The Bell” is back in jail after a probation violation. While behind bars, he has already been trying to come up with a spinoff of the show called “Saved By The Shiv.”

Actress Amber Heard has filed for divorce from Johnny Depp after 15 months of marriage. Apparently it was a combination of their age difference, career obligations and having to face each other after that whole video-with-the-dogs-in-Australia debacle.

A former Boise State football player is being charged with biting off part of the ear of a teammate. The scary part is that he did it while they were both still wearing their helmets.

A former Boise State football player is being charged with biting off part of the ear of a teammate. Apparently he felt with the football thing not working out so well he wanted to try boxing instead but made the mistake of watching old training videos of Mike Tyson.

A report says Washington Wizards forward Markieff Morris was detained at Philadelphia International Airport and eventually released. Or as everyone else knows that, going through the security line at an airport.

Derek Jeter says he would like his own baseball team in order to “make baseball great again.” Which if he is using Donald Trump’s methods as well as his quotes, he will buy the team with other people’s money, lie about how well they are doing and then walk away from the debt by declaring bankruptcy.

Derek Jeter says he would like his own baseball team to “make baseball great again” and show Millennials it takes hard work and is not all about instant gratification. After all, it took Jeter three years in the minors before signing a multi-million dollar contract.

Analysts say that $50 a barrel oil prices won’t hurt consumers or the economy. Just think how much it will help just to have all those executives buying Persian rugs and rare paintings once again to decorate their vacation mansions in the Hamptons.

The National Weather Service says there is a 40% chance the Pacific Hurricane Season will be above normal, a 40% chance it will be near normal and a 20% chance it will be below normal. Which are exactly the same odds for pretty much anything.

Striking workers at Verizon have been threatened with contempt of court if they don’t accept responsibility for threatening and intimidating replacement workers. The judge is taking a hard stand and not allowing the strikers to treat other workers like customers.

A study says that many Americans still lack basic home Internet service. But on the good side at least they are providing jobs to all those people still working for AOL.

Some New Jersey high school students won a contest for creating a red pepper risotto dish for astronauts on the International Space Station. It was chosen for its ease of preparation, shelf life and because it was the only meal ever that tastes good with Tang.

NASA cut short an attempt to install an air filled activity module on the International Space Station that wasn’t inflating properly. Scientists say it was either from structural changes, poor connections or that Tom Brady has somehow sneaked onto the ISS.

Canadian news network CTV is calling Donald Trump an “all-purpose middle finger” raised against whatever his followers dislike. Which means the next middle finger will be moving the proposed wall on the Mexican border north about 2,000 miles.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Memorial Day Weekend is just about upon us. That is the time we set aside to remember all of those who have given their lives on the highway trying to get out of town for the Memorial Day Weekend. I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday weekend. I will be taking some time off as well, and while I take off weekends and holidays from the blog, I am in need of a bit more rest so will also take a break from the blog until Wednesday. I have rarely taken off any extra days from writing the jokes five days a week for more than ten years, even on vacation time so I think I need an extra day to rest my carpal tunnel wracked fingers. In the meantime, I hope these jokes will get you through the next four days. If not, feel free to correspond with me through an e-mail, perhaps taking the time to still remember to always (even on holiday weekends) send the love!

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says airlines are spending millions of dollars to take steps to shorten lines at airports. Mostly because they created the lines as people are slowed down going through their pockets looking for their last spare change to cover all the inflight fees.

Experts say that smoking marijuana alters a person’s DNA. At least that’s what researchers said it felt like while they got high during the experiment.

A study says that 90% of people have “low battery anxiety” where they will drop everything to get home to charge their cellphones. The good news is when their battery runs out and they are racing home is the only time they aren’t texting behind the wheel.

A study says that 90% of people have “low battery anxiety” where they will drop everything to get home to charge their cellphones. Ironically, they find their own batteries completely run down from staying up all night looking at their cellphone.

A study says that 90% of people have “low battery anxiety” where they are worried their cellphones will lose their charge. The other 10% have work and marriage anxiety over losing their job and spouse because they can’t ever put their cellphone down.

A survey says 17% of men miss a match on a dating site because their phone battery dies. The worst part for men is having to explain how running out of juice on a date has never happened before.

Actor Shia LaBeouf says he will spend the next month hitchhiking around the U.S. Which is just another reason for people to stay sober behind the wheel and not have to deal with the consequences of getting a DUI.

Actor Shia LaBeouf says he will spend the next month hitchhiking around the U.S. Mostly because after making “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” even Uber drivers won’t bother to give him a ride.

A report says the heaviest baby girl ever at 15 pounds was born in India. Which means all she has to do to become a supermodel is drop about three of those pounds before she turns 18.

A former McDonald’s CEO says raising the minimum wage will mean robots will take over many of the restaurant’s jobs. Although he isn’t taking into consideration most the customers at McDonald’s are the workers who can’t afford to eat anywhere else.

A survey says that half of all Americans would have trouble dealing with a $400 emergency expense. The other half don’t have anything worth $400 that they would bother spending that much money to fix.

Students at Oberlin College in Ohio are asking to do away with grades below a ‘C’ and put an end to written midterm exams. Mostly because they don’t know how to write anymore because the only communication they ever do now is through texting.

Students at Oberlin College in Ohio are asking to do away with grades below a ‘C’ and put an end to written midterm exams. To which George W. Bush says if students work hard enough they will be able to maintain a C average all the way through graduation.

Students at Oberlin College in Ohio are asking to do away with grades below a ‘C’ and put an end to written midterm exams. They figure if they are paying country club prices for an education, they should be treated like they are members at a country club.

A study says that children from wealthy families tend to be poor leaders because they are too narcissistic. Which might cause some people to reconsider voting for Donald Trump whose only fear is that he will fail to make America as great as he is.

A study says that Millennials are reconsidering their position and are now in favor of owning cars. Mostly because they realize they will need a car to qualify for the best job opportunity they will ever have. Driving for Uber.

Eleven states are suing over President Obama’s transgender bathroom directive to public schools. Ironically, most of the states suing including Oklahoma, Alabama and Tennessee won’t have to comply until they actually get indoor plumbing.

The U.S. Army says it will test driverless vehicle technology on roads in Michigan. The primary objective will be to see if a self-driving vehicle can make a trip through Detroit without ending up the next morning on cinder blocks.

The U.S. Army says it will test driverless vehicle technology on roads in Michigan. Mostly because they can’t find any soldiers who are willing to volunteer to drive even an armored military vehicle through Flint, Lansing or Detroit.

A study says that adults eat nearly half their meals alone. Mostly because they find it too annoying having someone else around who will spend the whole time asking if they are going to finish all those french fries.

A survey says that most American households say they are doing better financially. Mostly because those are the households that qualify to be households because they still actually have their house.

A study says as more states legalize pot, the number of teenagers with marijuana problems declines. Mostly because the biggest problem teens ever had with marijuana was trying to keep from getting busted.

Exxon and Chevron shareholders have rejected resolutions that would help fight climate change. In a related story, shareholders at cable companies voted to keep prices high, at McDonald’s to not serve healthy food and at airlines to not start providing service.

Exxon and Chevron shareholders have rejected resolutions that would help fight climate change. They feel they do enough for the environment by giving executive bonuses that go to buy exquisitely landscaped homes along the beach.

Exxon and Chevron shareholders have rejected resolutions that would help fight climate change. People still don’t appreciate their efforts by complaining even after BP kept millions of gallons of oil from being burned by dumping it into the Gulf of Mexico.

Vacation rental site HomeAway is giving tourists a chance to spend the night on the Eiffel Tower. Not to be outdone, United Airlines reminds their passengers traveling to France how they usually end up spending the night at the Charles de Gaulle Airport.

A report says the CEOs at big U.S. companies received an average pay hike of $468,000 last year. Which was easy to do since the companies no longer have to use that money to pay the thousands of workers who lost their jobs since 2008.

A survey says 12% of Millennials expect to never be able to retire. The other 88% say they won’t even worry about it until they actually can land a job that allows them to move out of their parents’ basement.

A study says a diet too low in salt could be bad for the heart. Apparently doctors are worried about after eating fast food for decades, it may just be too rough on people’s hearts to go through a sudden withdrawal.

A study says a diet too low in salt could be bad for the heart. Apparently sodium has properties that can help it offset the effects from all the sugar and fat we eat.

A study says that smoking pot while pregnant increases the risk of premature birth. Of course, for moms high on pot even giving birth two weeks late is premature.

A study says when people are drinking alcohol, their happiness level goes up by an average of 10%. Although that might just be the booze talking.

A study says when people are drinking alcohol, their happiness level goes up by an average of 10%. Mostly because it keeps them from thinking how they are going to feel when their wife catches them sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 AM.

The CDC says that Americans are now fatter than ever with 30.4% saying they are obese. The other 69.6% still say they still prefer to describe themselves as “pleasantly plump.”

The CDC says that Americans are now fatter than ever with 30.4% saying they are obese. Which is even worse when you consider 85% of Americans think they are smarter than average, are good looking and will have a chance at retiring some day.

Students at John Hopkins University have developed a prosthetic foot that can be used with high heeled shoes. It’s for women who lost feet from being injured falling over while trying to walk around in high heeled shoes.

A survey says most Americans would not join a clinical trial. The rest like the idea of being given medicine they otherwise couldn’t afford, even if it is to treat an illness they don’t have.

“Teen Mom 2” star Kailyn Lowry has confirmed she is getting divorced. People were surprised. Someone actually married one of the moms on a pregnant teen show?

“Teen Mom 2” star Kailyn Lowry has confirmed she is getting divorced. People were surprised. Apparently it was a career move. She wants to marry someone with money so she can get a role on one of the “Real Housewives” series.

Dodger Hall of Fame announcer Vin Scully has turned down an invitation from Fox to take part in the All-Star Game broadcast. At 88 years old, Scully figures he would be much more at home with the audience on the Fox News Channel.

Vikings kicker Blair Walsh says his missed game winning field goal in last year’s playoffs “won’t define” him. To which Scott Norwood is saying “Ever heard of ‘wide right’?”

A Chinese man was killed by a walrus he had taken a selfie with. It was the first walrus related fatality since the caddie who gave a bad read on a putt to Craig Stadler.

A Chinese man was killed by a walrus he had taken a selfie with. Witnesses say the man’s final words were “Goo goo g’joob.”

Twitter stockholders have approved CEO Jack Dorsey’s plan to give one third of his stock to employees. The good news for Dorsey is that he will be able to write off the net worth on his taxes, which the way the stock is performing could be as much as $27.50.

A watchdog says the U.S. government is spending billions on old technology that barely works. Which is still considerably less than the money we see wasted every year by our members of Congress who work even less.

A watchdog says the U.S. government is spending billions on old technology that barely works, some of it as much as 56 years old. Which is really bad when you consider our ICBM anti-missile defense program is actually just a re-programmed version of “Pong.”

Chevron says that 2016 will be a tough year because of the crude oil slump. With last year’s profits falling to a mere $1.3 Billion, The CEO has had to give up his personal trainer to keep being able to pay the salaries of his chauffeur and butler.

A panel at a technology conference says Artificial Intelligence is far from being able to match the ability of humans. Except for a robotic arm that can be programmed to throw a football over 20 yards, which is still 10 yards farther than anyone on the panel.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is set to demolish $30 Million in homes to ensure his privacy. Wouldn’t it have been a lot easier and cheaper to just unfriend his neighbors?

A doctor in Israel uses an iPad to perform remote surgery in Gaza. Although after accidentally removing three organs from a patient, he no longer tries to do surgery while simultaneously playing a game of “Tetris.”

Microsoft says it will cut 1,850 jobs because of its lagging smartphone business. The worst part is that the people in the smartphone division who are being laid off were notified with a text message.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I think I will use this space to make one final plea for donations to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk. Even though the event was a couple of weeks ago, you can contribute any time you like. All you need to do is click on the picture of me and my wife Karen who we lost to the illness five years ago and it will take you right to the site. The rest is easy. I want to thank the readers who have donated so far for their generosity. It is the only monetary exchange I ask for all year. Mostly because I don’t want to be laughed at for asking for money for the jokes. The cash you give will go to find a cure for the disease and of course is tax deductible. Even more importantly, you get a shout out on the blog and my eternal gratitude for showing the best way possible to send the love!

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Duracell has failed in efforts to dismiss a lawsuit over using a pink bunny in their ads like Energizer. Lawyers on both sides of the dispute are excited about the possibility of the lawsuit just going and going and going...

A report says that Kenneth Star has been fired as president of Baylor University over a sex scandal involving the school’s football team. Apparently the man who investigated President Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky affair must have determined none of the players involved were registered Democrats.

A town in Australia has been invaded by 100,000 bats. To which Houston Astros fans wouldn’t are saying they wouldn’t mind if some of them were diverted as there hasn’t been a bat sighting in the city since Jeff Bagwell retired.

Matt Drudge says that Facebook, Instagram and Twitter are “Internet ghettos” that are designed to eradicate independent ideas. What makes him really mad is that he thought of it first.

A startup company says it can analyze faces to out people who have secrets by their expressions. The only problem is distinguishing someone who looks anxious because they are a potential terrorist or because they have just eaten at Taco Bell.

A new blood test reportedly can warn men who are at a risk of dementia. Not from the blood work results, but when they arrive a half hour late because they couldn’t find their car keys and then kept getting lost trying to find the clinic.

Several toilets falling off a truck caused a traffic snarl on an L.A. freeway. It wasn’t the first time a clog creating a backup involving toilets wasn’t directly connected to someone eating at Chipotle.

Several toilets falling off a truck caused a traffic snarl on an L.A. freeway. The only difference is that when it comes to toilets, some Metamucil can usually be used to clear up any stop and go traffic that results in backups.

The Census Bureau says the most common living arrangement for people 18-34 is now living with their parents. Which just made for a large price increase for any homes coming on the market that include a basement.

“Rage rooms” in Houston are becoming popular where people can destroy household items with different weapons. Mostly for people who are angry about the economy, their job situation or being suckered into buying season tickets for the Astros.

Yahoo reportedly spent more than $500,000 on protection for CEO Marissa Mayer. Mostly from the fear of possible stalkers, potential terrorists and more likely irate stockholders after they open their annual shareholders' report.

A new device promises to help people break their bad habits by giving them an electrical shock. The only problem is that is the exact same theory that was behind the invention of the electric chair.

The GOP is mulling a way to overhaul their primary voting system. Apparently they want prevent any disasters like they have faced this election cycle and be more like the Democrats in just taking the choices away from the voters.

The GOP is mulling a way to overhaul their primary voting system. Although with Donald Trump as their presumptive nominee, better methods next time would include random selection, lottery or eenie-meenie-minie-moe.

A report says fewer Americans are moving away in the search for career opportunities. Mostly because they figure why move when there is always another 7-Eleven, GoMart or Speedway within driving distance.

A report says the average city dweller in Kenya pays 16 bribes a month. The good news is that the experience qualifies them to move to the U.S. to become a congressional lobbyist.

An analysis says that health care costs in the U.S. have tripled since 2001. Not because of the insurance or medical professions but because people have picked up three times as many unhealthy lifestyle habits.

An analysis says that health care costs in the U.S. have tripled since 2001, with the average family paying $25,000 a year. The cost of the health care is $5,000 but it included the $20,000 spent on junk food that created the need for most the medical treatment in the first place.

Asian-American groups are claiming they are being discriminated against by some Ivy League universities. Apparently if Asians want to be accepted into more American colleges, they will have to do it the old fashioned way. Become very good at football.

A study says that workers in L.A. have the least access to retirement plans. Mostly because anyone living there will be working to at least 93 just to pay off their home mortgage.

A study says that workers in L.A. have the least access to retirement plans. Which isn’t entirely true, as most people there do have a retirement plan. Pitch a tent at the beach.

Under Armour has inked a $280 million, 15 year deal with UCLA. Which coincidentally is exactly the same amount of tuition money and time it would take for one of the members of the football team to graduate.

The first surviving septuplets have graduated from their high school in Iowa. The parents raised them with hard work, dedication and prayer. Although the prayer was mostly reserved for their college scholarship applications to be accepted.

The CDC says only 15% of Americans still smoke cigarettes. The other 85% quit smoking so they can be in good shape when they are asked to serve as pallbearers for the ones who do.

The CDC says only 15% of Americans still smoke. Mostly as a status symbol to show they can afford the high cost of cigarettes along with their brand new high tech portable oxygen tank.

A report says that balloons can be swallowed and filled with gas as a new form of weight loss. Although if anyone wants their intestines filled with gas all they need to do is stop by a Del Taco.

A report says doctors are prescribing antidepressants for use against anxiety, insomnia and pain. Mostly because the patients with those other maladies will eventually become depressed when they finally get their pharmacy bill.

A study says letting babies cry themselves to sleep doesn’t cause any emotional or behavioral harm. Except for the parents who have to lie wide awake in bed listening to a crying baby for three hours.

Two active duty U.S. soldiers and a combat veteran recently summited Mt. Everest. The good news is that since there was no oil found on the peak we won’t be invading.

A study says eating dinner past 8:00 at night is not linked to children’s obesity. Except for the kids who have to delay dinner that late because they aren’t finished with lunch until 7:30.

A study says that only 5% of terminally ill cancer patients understand their prognosis. The other 95% are of the mistaken belief that their costs will still be picked up by their health insurance plan.

A study says that 66% of Americans believe they are in excellent of very good health. Mostly when they compare how they look and feel compared with the other 34%.

A study says that 66% of Americans believe they are in excellent of very good health. They don’t actually feel that way, it’s just they are worried if they put anything else down on their application for health insurance they will be dropped for a pre-existing condition.

Paul McCartney says that Kanye West is a “crazy guy that comes up with some great stuff.” Which shows that our parents were right. If you play enough loud rock and roll music, over time you will go deaf.

Paul McCartney says he was depressed after the Beatles broke up and turned to heavy drinking. Which finally explains how he came up with the idea for Wings.

John Carpenter has signed on for the 10th sequel to the movie “Halloween.” This one promises to be much more frighteningly realistic. Instead of being murdered by Michael Myers, the local teenagers are killed by diabetes and heart disease from all the Trick-Or-Treat candy they eat.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is refuting charges that the NFL tried to influence a study of brain injuries. Goodell says the league finds it much more effective to get their way by using their money and power to influence the courts and legislators.

Atlanta, San Francisco and Los Angeles have been named the venues for three upcoming Super Bowls. Mostly to make up for the complaints they will get for naming Minnesota for another and already having the game played in Detroit and New Jersey.

Atlanta, San Francisco and Los Angeles have been named the venues for three upcoming Super Bowls. Mostly so there won’t be any conflict of any of those cities would have a chance of having their team in the game.

The Miami Marlins are suing some season ticket holders who are demanding the team give them the perqs they paid for. For instance, they say they expected to be able to see a Major League Baseball team play every game. To which management says there is. They are called the “visitors.”

The Miami Marlins are suing some season ticket holders who are demanding the team give them the perqs they paid for. Sports fans were surprised. The Marlins actually found people who bought season tickets for the Marlins?

The GM of the Buffalo Bills says that football is a violent game that he “doesn’t think humans are supposed to play.” Which, as most Raiders fans will tell you they don’t.

The GM of the Buffalo Bills says that football is a violent game that he “doesn’t think humans are supposed to play.” But on the other hand, Buffalo is a city where humans are not supposed to be able to live.

The Pac 12 is trying to stop fans from storming fields and courts by threatening schools with fines of up to $100,000. Which doesn’t scare too many West Coast colleges who can make that up by enrolling one more student to pay for a semester worth of tuition.

A study says only 1 in 6 drivers want fully autonomous vehicles. The other five apparently miss having someone yelling from the back seat for them to turn left, slow down and put down the cellphone before they kill everyone.

A Canadian couple was married at an animal shelter with the wedding only attended by cats. Although the bride may regret it years later when she watches the wedding video where the “Wedding March” has been replaced with the “Meow Mix” jingle.

A Canadian couple was married at an animal shelter with the wedding only attended by cats. The worst part was when the couple left the shelter and instead of rice were pelted with Little Friskies.

A dating site has started for fans of Donald Trump. Which if they are truly like Donald Trump, they won’t want to date each other. Just Donald Trump.

A dating site has started for fans of Donald Trump. Just what women want. A date who shows up with a bad haircut, spends the night talking about himself and hands her the dinner check saying he has a cash flow problem.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I received a nice surprise yesterday, a very generous donation by reader Tim Hunter who made a contribution to the Great Strides Walk to fight Cystic Fibrosis. It’s still not too late if you would like to get involved in a great cause. Another late donation came in from Carol Melton whom I would also like to personally thank here. Just click on the picture of me and my wife Karen who was taken five years ago by the affliction and it will take you right to the site. It’s easy and quick and will help find a cure to help the young people fighting the illness to live a long and healthy life. So again, thanks to Tim and Carol for your generosity as well as all the others who chipped in. It is the best way yet for anyone to show they really want to send the love!

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Olympic swimming champ Michael Phelps says he is off his 12,000 calories a day diet that he used during training. Or as most Americans call 12,000 calories a day, a hunger strike.

A UK restaurant manager has been sentenced to prison for six years for manslaughter for serving peanuts to a customer who died from an allergy. Taco Bell workers in the U.S. are concerned. “They can jail you for killing customers?”

A UK restaurant manager has been sentenced to prison for six years for manslaughter for serving peanuts to a customer who died from an allergy. It’s a clear cut case of judicial inequality as there are thousands of restaurant managers and cooks walking around free after deliberately serving customers haggis.

A study says the Fitbit trackers are “highly inaccurate” and can be off as much as 20 beats per minute on detecting a heart rate. The worst part is that the study showed most Americans reached their maximum heart rate the minute they walk into a McDonald’s.

Facebook has apologized for banning pictures of a plus sized model. Mostly because she claims the reason she is not a plus sized model is from sitting around all day at the computer posting her pictures on Facebook.

Facebook has apologized for banning pictures of a plus sized model. The modeling industry has adopted the term “plus size” as it refers to anyone who has blown up to the point they wear something larger than a size zero.

A study in the UK says that cash is used in less than half of all transactions. To which people in the U.S. need to be reminded that cash is that stuff they used to have in their pockets before 2008.

A camel tied up in the heat in India severed its owners head. Which is different in the U.S. as when people think of littering with Camels, they are talking about people throwing away the butts.

A camel tied up in the heat in India severed its owners head. That was one argument where the owner really meant it when he said “Well, you don’t need to bite my head off!”

Angelina Jolie has been invited to teach at the London School of Economics. Apparently they felt their students could learn a lot about money from someone who is getting ready to have to pay for college for six children.

FIFA has fired its financial director for taking millions of dollars in “irregular” bonus payments. Or as most people refer to that process, “embezzlement.”

FIFA has fired its financial director for taking millions of dollars in “irregular” bonus payments. His first mistake was taking bonus money from FIFA instead of like the other executives, collecting cash from outside sources in bribes.

The Swiss are discussing paying every adult in the country $2,500 to do nothing. We already do that here in the U.S., only here the program is called the government payroll.

A study says college students in fraternities are not cutting back on the amount of alcohol they drink despite interventions. Especially the ones that turn whether or not they will have an intervention on any particular day into a drinking game.

A study says college students in fraternities are not cutting back on the amount of alcohol they drink despite interventions. Or as most frat members call interventions, having to show up in class.

VA Secretary Bob McDonald compared the time waiting for medical treatment to the time guests at Disneyland spend waiting in line for rides. The main difference is it is much more fun ending up on Space Mountain instead of being pushed down a hallway by an orderly using a gurney.

A deal has reportedly been reached to keep Atlantic City, New Jersey from running out of cash. Apparently it has to do with encouraging people to lose money in the casinos by betting on Atlantic City to become financially solvent someday.

Ride sharing company Lyft will start allowing people to schedule rides up to 24 hours in advance. The only problem is that most people don’t know that far ahead when they will be completely drunk out of their minds.

A study says that Americans are still not excited about self-driving cars. Mostly because they like the feel of the accelerator beneath their feet, the control of the steering wheel in their hands and a cellphone in their fingers for texting while driving.

A study says that Americans are still not excited about self-driving cars. Where’s the adventure of having a robotic car get you there using GPS and miss out on the thrill of getting lost because you are too stubborn to ask for directions?

A study says Americans used 1 Trillion gigabytes of mobile data last year. That doesn’t even include people with wireless plans on AT&T who were able to download as much as 3 Megabytes.

A study says Americans used 1 Trillion gigabytes of mobile data last year. Mostly the people who are on the road and away from their office computer and need another device to watch Internet porn on the job.

The President of the San Francisco Federal Reserve says the U.S. is at full employment. Mostly because all the positions have been filled by people who now need to work at four jobs just to make ends meet.

A Korean convenience store has launched an ice cream product that they claim to be a hangover cure. Which means that for dessert people can have a hair of the dog. Of course, the rest of the dog was what they were served for their main course.

Twitter users are sharing their stories about fighting their depression to try to help others. Mostly by telling them to avoid being depressed by actually having a life and not posting on Twitter all day.

A study says that 60% of packaged food and drinks in stores have added sugar. The other 40% is the food that has been sitting in the store’s bargain bin for the past two months.

A survey says that 82% of Americans think hamburgers are healthy to eat. Which they are when they are compared to the pizza, bacon, hot dogs and french fries that make up most the rest of their meals.

One of the fatalities on Mt. Everest this season was a vegan hoping to summit. The sad news is, even is she would have survived the climb she would have been a vegetable.

Researchers in Ohio have identified an affliction called “dormant butt syndrome” that can lead to a risk of chronic pain. Which sounds more like a scientific term for what the rest of us know as being a lazy ass.

Researchers in Ohio have identified an affliction called “dormant butt syndrome” that can lead to a risk of chronic pain. Mostly from being hit in the head by your wife after wasting the entire weekend sitting on the couch watching sports on TV.

Jennifer Lopez says she does not deserve her reputation for being a diva. Actually, she didn’t say it. It came from her personal assistant through orders from her publicity agent at the direction of her manager under threat of all of them being fired if they don’t fix it.

A congressional report says the NFL tried to influence the brain study they conceded to as part of a lawsuit settlement. In other words, the league messed up by not trying to fix the report properly by giving the members of Congress involved some cash donations.

Major League Baseball is investigating the San Diego Padres after a gay men’s chorus was preempted from singing the National Anthem when a recording was played instead. Apparently the person in charge used to work for Britney Spears and had no idea there are people who don’t lip sync.

Major League Baseball is investigating the San Diego Padres after a gay men’s chorus was preempted from singing the National Anthem when a recording was played instead. There is a concern about live performances in San Diego. The Padres are still apologizing for having Roseanne Barr sing “The Star Spangled Banner” back in 1990.

Dollar General is leaving Joe Gibbs Racing and NASCAR as a sponsor at the end of the year. Apparently race officials were worried that coming home with all those bags of one dollar bills made their wives think they were getting ready to go out to the strip clubs.

Dollar General is leaving Joe Gibbs Racing and NASCAR as a sponsor at the end of the year. Apparently it had to do something with the pit crew only being given tools from Dollar General, meaning having to fix everything with a hammer and duct tape.

A Massachusetts man has stood outside Gillette Stadium every day for a month hoping for a tryout with the New England Patriots. Just to show he is ready to fill in for Tom Brady, he has let the air out of the tires of every car in the parking lot.

A Massachusetts man has stood outside Gillette Stadium every day for a month hoping for a tryout with the New England Patriots. If it works, expect to see Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton fighting for the best spot to stand in front of the White House.

Cafeteria workers at Intel headquarters say their bathroom breaks are restricted. Fortunately, the workers at Intel do not have any restrictions on bathroom breaks. Especially the ones who have just finished eating in the company cafeteria.

Hyundai says it will build an electrical vehicle with a 250 mile range by 2020. As opposed to Chrysler which is still working on a vehicle that has a 250 mile life expectancy.

AT&T and Sprint are offering deals to buy one smartphone and get another free. The only difference is that with AT&T, the deal is technically buying what amounts to two paperweights.

A study says the least stressful job is a fashion model. For one thing, they never have to worry about the little things like going to the supermarket or make plans for what they are going to eat ever.

Apple is telling its suppliers to prepare for a high demand for the iPhone 7. Mostly because all Apple has to do to create a panic is say the phones are available but there is a limited supply.

A study says that New Orleans is sinking faster than thought, at around two inches a year. To which the people who have endured being Saints fans all these years are saying “Is there any way to speed things up a bit?”

The video game “Minecraft” is expanding into China. Which doesn’t sound like something they would be much interested in as minecrafting pretty much sounds more like what they already do there every day for a living.

Bill Clinton says he wants Donald Trump to release his tax returns. To which Trump says he will as soon as Clinton makes public the numbers in his little black book.

Bernie Sanders says the Democratic National Convention is going to be “messy.” To which the people who have ever been to more than one are saying “and your point is...?”

The head of security of the TSA has been reassigned after it was revealed he was paid $90,000 in bonuses. That’s like going out of your way to tip the server at Chipotle who gave you the burrito covered in E.coli.

The head of security of the TSA has been reassigned after it was revealed he was paid $90,000 in bonuses. It can only be hoped that his reassignment involves several plane flights to get to where he has to go through a three hour security wait for each one.

Donald Trump says if he is elected President, he may ask Congress to formally declare a war against terrorism. Which would also be expanded to include Mexican immigrants, African refugees and anyone who says anything against the U.S. or his administration.

Hillary Clinton was in Detroit saying that Donald Trump is a “disaster waiting to happen.” As opposed to Detroit which is a disaster that has been going on for the past 30 years.

Hillary Clinton is warning that Donald Trump could bankrupt the U.S. The only question is, when a country is already $18 Trillion in debt just how much further does it have to go to be actually declared bankrupt?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, darn. No one played my Ramones trivia game yesterday. In case you care, the reference to Chicken Vindaloo comes from their song “I Just Want To Have Something To Do.” It is featured in the movie “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School,” one of my favorite films of all time. Oh, well. You missed out on the chance to win nothing. Pretty much like what you get any day out of reading this blog. If you don’t like playing trivia games, you can always instead use the time to make sure and remember to always send the love!

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Bill Clinton says he feels “totally useless” this election season. Which is usually the phrase reserved for whomever is named to run as Vice President.

The Chinese government reportedly sends out a half billion fake social media posts to divert attention from sensitive issues. Apparently they got the idea to send out countless meaningless posts for no other reason than to generate attention from the Kardashians.

A report says adult temper tantrums could be a sign of a condition called “intermittent explosive disorder.” Either that or they are preparing for a televised presidential debate.

Tarantulas reportedly terrorized passengers on a flight from the Dominican Republic to Canada. Either they escaped from a smuggler, came in with the cleaning crew or finally answered what they would come up with for the sequel to “Snakes On A Plane.”

A report says one third of all corporate cash is held by five U.S. companies, with Apple alone sitting on $216 Billion. Although Apple explains that away as just being last week’s advanced orders for the iPhone 7.

A historian predicts in a new book that Artificial Intelligence will create a “useless class of humans.” In other words, robots will finish off the job started by their distant relative the smartphone.

A wristband linked to the wearer’s bank account can be programmed to give a shock when the person spends too much money. Unfortunately, by then it’s already too late to zap the person for the $200 they forked out to buy the wristband in the first place.

A wristband linked to the wearer’s bank account can be programmed to give a shock when the person spends too much money. Which means they need to get ready to get hit with a jolt the minute they even think about walking into the Apple Store.

A study says that eating curry can help fight dementia. Like making people remember to wear an adult diaper whenever they sit down at the dinner table to a plate of Chicken Vindaloo.

A new trend in furniture is to provide secret compartments to conceal firearms. Which means when people are asked who furnished their home, they will say it was a combination of Ethan Allen, Thomasville and Ruger.

A new trend in furniture is to provide secret compartments to conceal firearms. The most frustrating part is putting together an IKEA living room set where you have to also know how to assemble a Remington Carbine.

A new trend in furniture is to provide secret compartments to conceal firearms. Which means at some point there is going to be a domestic shooting where the homeowner says “I didn’t know the divan was loaded.”

A new trend in furniture is to provide secret compartments to conceal firearms. Which means people are going to have to be very careful when they visit Dick Cheney’s home and he tells them to have a seat in the recliner.

A report says the water level in Lake Mead in Nevada is at an all time low. The water is so low that the mob is having to resort to dumping the bodies of deadbeat gamblers in the pool over at Caesar’s Palace.

A report says constantly using smartphones can cause a variety of health problems. Especially for the men whose wives find out who they are using their phone to spend all their time talking, texting and posting pictures with.

A report says constantly using smartphones can cause a variety of health problems from sitting all day and putting stress on their eyes and neck. Which they then spend more time using their phone to Google what is wrong with their back, eyes and neck.

A mobile home in Malibu has sold for $5.3 Million. Neighbors were surprised. They thought that some new black velvet paintings on the wall, AstroTurf in the yard and new tires meant that Britney Spears was going to stay put for awhile.

The FDA has approved new food nutrition labels that will be easier to read. Which are even more simple now that most food processing companies are sticking to the basic three ingredients of sugar, salt and fat.

Graduating seniors at Ontario High School in southern California found their diplomas contained the misspelled word “shcool.” That wasn’t as bad as students who saw their address was “Ontario, CA” and assumed global warming was why it was always so hot even though they lived near Toronto.

A Missouri man says it took five years and $50,000 in payments and interest to pay back a $2,500 payday loan. Even the people at Countrywide Mortgage sent the company a card saying “Thanks for making us not feel so bad about what we did.”

A report says IBM layoffs could affect 14,000 jobs. The sad part was seeing Watson on the side of a freeway offramp with a sign saying “Will play ‘Jeopardy!’ for Windows update.”

The TSA says it will hire 768 full time screeners to help with security delays at airports. The only problem is that to get an interview, job applicants have to wait in line for three hours after taking off their shoes and being limited to three ounces of water.

A report says Venezuela is running out of sugar. Which in the U.S. would cause a panic as people would have to change all their recipes to just equal parts of salt and fat.

People who bought GM SUVs with overstated gas mileage estimates will be given debit cards as compensation. Which they can now use to pay for all the extra visits to the gas station they had no idea they would be making.

A study says a “sixth sense” protects drivers from distractions and stress except while they are texting. Mostly because as soon as people start texting behind the wheel they lose whatever they had left of any common sense.

Sugary soft drinks have been pulled out of elementary schools in Colombia. Apparently they don’t want their kids to develop any bad health habits while they get their education to start a career in the national industry that provides the rest of the world with cocaine.

A study says zero gravity can cause long term health problems for people on long missions in space. Although that isn’t a problem as much as the health issues with most Americans who have gotten so fat they have developed their own gravitational pull.

A study says a healthy lifestyle can prevent up to half of all cancer deaths. To which most Americans are asking “so what are the other options?”

A guitar once owned by Johnny Ramone was bought at an auction by his widow for $55,000. The transaction had to be done in cash because it came with no strings attached.

A guitar once owned by Johnny Ramone was bought at an auction by his widow for $55,000. She wanted to be able to do something with the instrument that had never been done while her husband was alive. Tune it up.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly flew 8,000 miles on a private jet to pick up an environmental award. Mostly because he didn’t have three weeks to sit cramped up in the back of a Honda Fit along with $6,000 in cash to get there using Uber.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly flew 8,000 miles on a private jet to pick up an environmental award. Which was still better than the fact the award was made from California Sequoia covered with panda fur with lettering made from elephant ivory.

P Diddy hosted a tribute over the weekend in Brooklyn to the late rapper Notorious B.I.G. who was gunned down in 1997. Which is ironic in that the guest list of rappers from the 1990s pretty much was made up of everyone suspected of pulling the trigger.

Larry Bird gave an interview where he says he favors the NBA creating a four point shot. Which would be for anything just inside of half court, or if Shaquille O’Neal was still playing from the free throw line.

Two horses died at Pimlico on Preakness race day. Which goes to show when someone from the mob comes up and tells you to slow down on the back stretch, you slow down on the back stretch.

An out-of-town bettor reportedly flew into Las Vegas over the weekend to place a $9,000 wager on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl. The payout for a win would be $540,000. If he wanted a long shot he could have been in line for the same amount by putting a dollar on the Raiders.

An out-of-town bettor reportedly flew into Las Vegas over the weekend to place a $9,000 wager on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl. The only way he could make a dumber bet would be to put some cash down on MVP Johnny Manziel.

New Orleans Saints and Pelicans owner Tom Benson says his family tried to kill him. Mostly for putting all the family money they stand to inherit into investments like the Saints and the Pelicans.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says he is “absolutely” open to being selected as Hillary Clinton’s running mate. Which would really anger Republicans who when they said wanted a Cuban in the White House were talking about Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz.

Tom Brady was picked as fifth on a list of the most hated NFL players of all time. Although the lineup is considered suspect as neither Brady nor the four ahead of him on the list ever spend any time as a Raider.

Google and Levis are teaming up to make a smart denim jacket that can be used to control the wearer’s cellphones. Which would be the first time anyone would be seen in a denim jacket that was described as “smart.”

Google and Levis are teaming up to make a smart denim jacket that can be used to control the wearer’s cellphones. The only question is would a company made from Google and Levis would be called “Googly Eyes”?

Monitoring staff Internet usage has become a common practice in Brazilian organizations. Mostly trying to keep employees from going online to see how much more people are being paid in all the other countries.

Citibank has launched a voice biometric authentication system for identity verification. It will eliminate the need for people to have passwords. The only glitch so far is that anyone calling in has to use the phrase “12345.”

Citibank has launched a voice biometric authentication system for identity verification, eliminating passwords. The only problem so far is anyone calling in using an AT&T connection automatically gets sent over by the computer to the account of Bob Dylan.

Researchers say two mega tsunamis destroyed an ancient shoreline on Mars. The good news is that hundreds of new applications came into NASA to take part in the Mars mission from people named “Hangten,” “Moondoggy” and “Wipeout.”

A survey says 72% of Americans have used an on-demand service. Mostly men who got caught sneaking into their bedroom at 3:00 AM and needed to get a ride from Uber to a place they could rent for the night on Airbnb.

A new documentary about Anthony Weiner is getting positive reviews. It is the one film that men are advised they may want to shut off their cellphones and not use them for texting during the movie.

Former Mexico President Vicente Fox says he will have lunch with Donald Trump if he apologizes for past offensive statements. To which Trump is open as long as he doesn’t have to apologize for any current and future offensive statements.

Former Mexico President Vicente Fox says he will have lunch with Donald Trump if he apologizes for past offensive statements. And as long as Trump doesn’t try to take him to the Trump Tower Grill for a taco bowl.

That’s it or now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have to point out that I wrote two jokes about Johnny Ramone’s guitar being auctioned off to his widow, one of them about his playing out of tune. That was simply a joke of opportunity and in no way reflects from my total admiration of the Ramones as one of the greatest rock and roll bands in history. Even though they did play out of tune. Especially because they played out of tune. But I did try to make up for it with a hidden reference to one of their songs earlier in the blog. If you can find it, you are a true Ramones fan and have my admiration for your taste. Just e-mail me at jimbarach@hotmail.com if you can find the answer. There is no prize. It will just be an even better way to show me we share the same taste in music which of course counts as sending the love!

Friday, May 20, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that two thirds of Americans say they would struggle to cover a $1,000 emergency. The other one third says $1,000 isn’t an emergency. It’s a disaster. $15 is an emergency.

Morley Safer from CBS’ “60 Minutes” has died at age 84, a week after retiring. His colleagues apparently were expecting bad news when one of their coworkers decides to hang it up at such a young age.

Morley Safer from CBS’ “60 Minutes” has died at age 84, a week after retiring. Which for most Americans would have been just long enough to wipe out everything they had managed to put into their 401(k) account.

A survey says the average person spends .45% of their life having sex. Mostly at a span of three minutes at a time.

A survey says the average person spends .45% of their life having sex. The other 99.55% of their life is spent trying to get some.

Venezuela is preparing for its biggest military exercise in its history. Although none of their neighbors are going to be particularly impressed at the sight of 10,000 gauchos practicing throwing their bolos.

Doctors in the UK are testing a breathalyzer that may be able to detect lung cancer. The first sign is when the patient is still smoking a cigarette while breathing into the machine.

Dermatologists say that cellphones may cause acne. Mostly for the people who are using their phones so much they aren’t able to finish school and get anything other than working at the french fry station at McDonald’s.

A study says the average person can only relax 36 minutes a day. Usually the nine minutes between the four minimum wage jobs they have to work to make ends meet.

A study says the average person can only relax 36 minutes a day. Which is the time they finally get to unwind after eight hours of watching internet porn at work, the five hours on the couch playing video games and three hours standing in fast food lines.

A poll says that nine of ten Native Americans are not offended by the Washington Redskins name. Just as long as people keep coming to their casinos and giving them their money when they keep placing bets thinking their team has a chance at winning.

Phil Mickelson has agreed to return nearly $1 Million he made as a result of insider trading. His lawyers say he is not guilty of any criminal wrongdoing, which means that like Bubba Watson he is just going to put the blame on his caddy.

Roger Federer will not play in the French Open, the first Grand Slam event he will miss since 2000. Not to say he is getting older, but he may also miss Wimbledon as he keeps yelling at all the younger players on the grass courts to get off his lawn.

Roger Federer will not play in the French Open, the first Grand Slam event he will miss since 2000. Not to say he is getting older, but it is just harder to get traction on the red clay courts while trying to rush the net using a walker.

A federal appeals court has upheld a ban on citizens owning machine guns. Which is bad news for people claiming the right to be able to protect themselves who will now only be able to use an AK-47, AR-15, Bushmaster M4 Carbine, Anzio 20mm, Glock 23...

The U.S. has introduced a bill to help Puerto Rico with its $70 Billion debt. Or as Congress calls $70 Billion in borrowed money to run the government, “Tuesday.”

A group is urging Congress to forgive farmers’ student loans. Which would be great news for the seven farmers who have actually gotten an education that went past the third grade.

A group is urging Congress to forgive farmers’ student loans. Which is ironic in that other graduates are taking years to pay back their loans because they spent their college years just getting plowed.

A new device reportedly can tell if food contains any gluten or peanuts for people who are on special diets or have allergies. If that works, Americans are looking forward to a device that tells if food is edible with the necessary amounts of salt, fat and sugar.

Hillary Clinton says Donald Trump is not qualified to be President because of his “irresponsible, dangerous and reckless comments.” What’s worse is those comments  are mostly his proposed policies.

Mario Andretti and the IRE will give 200 mph race car rides to fans at a cost of $3,300. Not to say that at 76 years of age Andretti may be a bit old, but fans are complaining he doesn’t get out of second gear and when one of the other drivers passes him he yells out “Slow down, you punk. What do you think this is, the Indy 500?!”

Mario Andretti and the IRE will give 200 mph race car rides to fans at a cost of $3,300. For those who are afraid of going that fast, Al Cowlings is offering an alternative ride in a slow moving white Bronco up the 405 Freeway with several police cars in slow pursuit.

The median price of homes in Santa Clara County in California have reached $1 Million for the first time. The good news is that is the middle ground, so a one bedroom fixer upper in the garlic capital of Gilroy is still a bargain at only $850,000.

Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley has been named the new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. Her first assignment will be a cover story detailing the Mediterranean style design  and construction of the new custom home specially built for Malibu Barbie.

Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley has been named the new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. There will be special design tips on how to clear up more wall space inside a home to hang more posters of Harry Styles, Justin Bieber and the Kardashians.

Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley has been named the new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. The first edition under her supervision will show how to landscape a backyard with a rose garden and fountain but still leave enough room to fit in a trampoline.

Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley has been named the new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. The first issue features a dream home mansion with 25 rooms, each furnished with bean bag chairs positioned in front of a PlayStation 4.

The CW says 40% of its programming will be made up of superhero shows. The other 60% will be the usual mere mortals who are mostly good looking teenagers with completely messed up love lives.

The CDC says that 80% of public pools and hot tubs are in violation of health and safety codes. The worst ones are the ones that have signs asking the last person getting out of the pool to make sure to flush.

The CDC says that 80% of public pools and hot tubs are in violation of health and safety codes. The other 20% are in places that are in areas too remote or not luxurious enough for Paris Hilton to use.

The CDC says that 80% of public pools and hot tubs are in violation of health and safety codes. If nothing else, at least they allow people to experience what it is like to be a fish swimming in the East River.

A study says that 25 Million Americans will have vision problems by 2050. Or did the report say 37 Million Americans by 2090? It is too hard to read that small font they use.

A study says that 25 Million Americans will have vision problems by 2050. Which is ironic in that they won’t be able to read any of the texts they are sent on the cellphones that squinting at the screen all day made them lose their eyesight in the first place.

Researchers say they have identified four genes responsible for the shape of people’s noses. Or as teenage girls in Beverly Hills know that, Dr. Schwartz.

The WHO says the life expectancy around the world has increased by five years since 2000. Which is amazing when taking into account that it would be even higher without the ten year drop for people living in Afghanistan, Iran and Iraq.

The WHO says the life expectancy around the world has increased by five years since 2000. Which is good news that the global economic crisis has been able to cut down the lives shortened by obesity as no one can even afford two meals a day anymore.

Johns Hopkins University says its medical school will no longer use live animals to train students. Hopefully they will instead go back to the old way of training them with qualified professors.

Johns Hopkins University says its medical school will no longer use live animals to train students. Which is ironic as most of their graduates will be making a living because of the animals that eventually ended up at McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King.

A month after the death of Prince there is still no autopsy report. It’s taken so long that if he had survived his health emergency he would have died by now anyway from old age.

The Pro Bowl is reportedly moving from Hawaii to the Citrus Bowl in Orlando. Which will make for a much more exciting spectacle. Not the game, but watching the players trying to get from the parking lot into the stadium without getting mugged.

The Pro Bowl is reportedly moving from Hawaii to the Citrus Bowl in Orlando. If for no other reason it will mean for people on the east coast the game will be over and out of everyone’s mind six hours earlier.

Atlanta Braves shortstop Erik Aybar was taken to the hospital to have a chicken bone removed from his throat. And you thought when the Braves made the playoffs 14 straight years with one World Series win was when they were most likely to choke.

A prisoner in Ireland had to undergo surgery after swallowing a cellphone. Some people will do anything to get out of having to come to the dinner table on “haggis night.”

A prisoner in Ireland had to undergo surgery after swallowing a cellphone. It may have been a mobile gadget but definitely will not be described by anyone as a “smartphone.”

A robot made in Taiwan won a $100,000 competition to create a painting in the style of a master. The sad part for the machines is their works don’t really increase in value until after the robot has been recycled.

A robot made in Taiwan won a $100,000 competition to create a painting in the style of a master. Although the robots will never match humans when it comes to art, because even when they paint by numbers they can only use a series of ones and zeros.

AT&T has introduced an unlimited data plan for cars for $40 a month. Which is a great deal for anyone driving a Chrysler who doesn’t have to worry about being charged extra for staying online for several hours waiting for the tow truck to finally arrive.

A study says that 85% of Americans have never used Uber or Airbnb. Mostly because in this economy, most people’s idea of traveling and lodging is hitchhiking to where they are going and sleeping overnight in the Greyhound bus terminal.

A high tech NASA balloon is making a trip around the world for scientific experiments. The only question is how bad has NASA slipped when they consider any balloon “high tech”?

A high tech NASA balloon is making a trip around the world for scientific experiments. This is the agency that operates the International Space Station and Hubble Telescope. How much out of favor are the people who have been assigned to that project?

Scientists say they have created a synthetic replica of Dom Perignon for a quarter of the price. To which Skid Row winos are saying they have done that for years with just some Kool-Aid and Aqua Velva.

A LinkedIn breach in 2012 reportedly compromised more than 100 Million accounts. The only question is why would anyone want the personal information from members of a site who are all looking for work?

Donald Trump made an appearance at a Chris Christie fundraiser where he asked the New Jersey Governor if he had stopped eating Oreos. To which Christie says he is still just eating the fish they throw him every day when he swims around the tank.

Donald Trump asked “who cares?” about a trade war with China. Mostly anyone trading with us always loses as we haven’t actually made anything in this country since 1993.

Donald Trump was quoted back in 2006 that he hoped the real estate market crashed so he could buy cheap property. Apparently that is his plan behind running for President, knowing that when he wins the entire country will sell for pennies on the dollar by 2017.

A report says Donald Trump once proposed a race-based season of “The Apprentice” where teams competed against each other based on skin color. Since it wasn’t picked up by NBC, he decided to instead save the format to use in the general election.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, which I am sure you are already well aware of. That means two full days of fun, relaxation and no jokes from me. While you have a few moments of free time, I hope you will take one last opportunity to donate money to the Cystic Fibrosis Great Strides Walk held last weekend. It is still not too late to open your hearts and wallets and kick in a few dollars to help find a cure for the illness that took my wife five years ago. This will be my last attempt at asking for contributions, so I hope you will just click on the picture of me and my wife Karen which will take you right to the site. Nothing could be easier when it comes to helping people live a long and healthy life and showing the best way possible to send the love!

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump unveiled a list of potential Supreme Court nominees if he is elected President. It was easy for Trump to come up with a list of judges seeing as how much time he has spent in court for bankruptcy, divorce and lawsuits over Trump University.

CBS says six new shows for the upcoming season which are being criticized for having white males in the lead role are still “more diverse.” At least more than their audience, as the characters are all under 80.

CBS says six new shows for the upcoming season which are being criticized for having white males in the lead role are still “more diverse.” At least more than if the series were all based in Silicon Valley.

A survey says that Washington, D.C. is the fittest city in the nation. Mostly because the jobs there only require about three days of work a year, but to keep them the rest of the time is spent running.

A survey says that Washington, D.C. is the fittest city in the nation. Especially the lobbyists who have to really be in great shape to carry all those cash bribes from K Street to the Capitol Building.

A fortune teller in Virginia has pleaded guilty to stealing more than $1 Million from clients in order to “lift their curse.” Although she may reverse her plea as now that she is in jail, what she did actually worked.

A report says the TSA collected $765,000 in unclaimed change at security checkpoints in 2015. Mostly tips left behind from people who weren’t made to go through the naked body scanner.

A report says the TSA collected $765,000 in unclaimed change at security checkpoints in 2015. However, the airlines are now suing to collect saying that money should have been theirs when it fell out as passengers wiggled their large behinds trying to fit into the tiny seats.

Students at a UK university were told to mime throwing their mortarboard at graduation for safety purposes. That’s what happens when all the athletes over there play a sport where they never get to use their hands.

Students at a UK university were told to mime throwing their mortarboard at graduation for safety purposes. In the U.S., graduating students are instead being told to use their imaginations and mime something much more unlikely to ever happen, like writing their last check to pay off their student loans.

Parents are complaining of a dentists’ restraining device called the “papoose board” that keeps children from struggling during office visits, claiming their kids were tortured and traumatized. Otherwise known as going to see the dentist.

Parents are complaining of a dentists’ restraining device called the “papoose board” that keeps children from struggling during office visits, claiming their kids were tortured and traumatized. Which is different than how the dentists torture and traumatize their parents when they send them the bill.

A five year old girl in Colorado was suspended for bringing a “bubble gun” to school. The girl’s parents apologized, saying next time they will only send her to school with a Colorado school-approved AK-47.

An Australian fisherman says he fought off crocodiles circling his capsized boat by throwing tools and spark plugs at them. Unfortunately, he didn’t have his cellphone with him or he would have instead just called for some gator aid.

An Australian fisherman says he fought off crocodiles circling his capsized boat by throwing tools and spark plugs at them. Who knew that reptile protection was also a service offered by Mr. Goodwrench?

Researchers say April was the twelfth straight month of record global temperatures. The worst part was getting their twelfth straight card addressed from Al Gore saying “I told you so.”

Donald Trump is set to meet with Henry Kissinger over foreign policy. Apparently Kissinger will update him on the latest strategy he should employ to deal with the Soviet Union and the latest covert missions in Cambodia.

Iran wants the U.S. to pay for 63 years of “spiritual and material” damage. To which the U.S. is asking how can they even tell?

Iran wants the U.S. to pay for 63 years of “spiritual and material” damage. The only question is what happened there since 1953 that makes the country any different than it was in the 12th century?

Iran wants the U.S. to pay for 63 years of “spiritual and material” damage. To which Congress is asking if they want cash or will take a check for the $15.75?

A report says airlines expect a record number of passengers over the summer. Mostly because of all the people who booked flights in the spring but are still waiting to get through the TSA security lines.

Danish researchers are being criticized for releasing personal data they were studying on dating site OKCupid. Members of the site were concerned about possible ID theft, privacy invasion and mostly that their wives will find out.

Danish researchers are being criticized for releasing personal data they were studying on dating site OKCupid. Other researchers say the study is already in doubt just because it is based on information that people put on their dating site profiles.

Donald Trump says his business has been flourishing since his presidential run. Mostly because he is too busy campaigning to be in charge like with the other ventures he ran into the ground.

A study says that auto title loans charge as much as 300% interest, have long repayment times and have a high repossession rate. Which turns out to be pretty much the same experience as buying a new car from Chrysler.

A poll says 42% of Americans feel the U.S. economy is good while two thirds feel their household budget is good. Mostly because their own situation doesn’t look so bad when they compare it to being $18 Trillion in debt.

A study is linking potatoes with high blood pressure. Mostly the people who sit down at the dinner table and yell out “Potatoes again?!”

A poll says the majority of Americans have no will. But then why pay a lawyer to draft up a trust when they lost their house, can’t afford a car and have $22.50 in their retirement account?

A study says a mother’s voice is recognized in less than a second by her children and affects their entire brain. Mostly as a survival response to hide what it is they are doing to keep from being grounded for life.

A Massachusetts man who received the first successful penis transplant in the U.S. says he wants to take the donor’s family out for some doughnuts. To which Caitlyn Jenner says it’s a nice offer but really not necessary.

A Massachusetts man who received the nation’s first successful penis transplant says he wants to take the donor’s family out for doughnuts. The awkward part will be where he uses one of the doughnuts to demonstrate how well his new member is working.

A study says that being overbooked is good for the brain. Which is finally some good news for the people who are working four minimum wage jobs at once trying to make ends meet.

A study says that being overbooked is good for the brain. Which United Airlines says is just another benefit of traveling with them after they already sold your seat and having to figure out how to make last minute reservations with another airline.

A North Carolina school district is considering banning skinny jeans. Which is going to be an inconvenience for the three people in North Carolina who are actually able to fit into a pair of skinny jeans.

Mets pitcher Bartolo Colon is being sued for failing to pay child support. Although apparently the 285 pound hurler has no problem paying off his monthly bill over at Krispy Kreme.

The University of Alabama has offered a football scholarship to an eighth grader. Which isn’t that unusual considering most eighth graders in Alabama are 17 years old.

Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner is blaming his players and not manager Joe Girardi for the team’s slow start. Which means Girardi has about another two weeks before he cleans out his locker.

Marco Rubio is suggesting a statue of Tim Tebow be placed in the U.S. Capitol Statuary Hall to represent Florida. At first he suggested Jameis Winston until he was told it was “statuary” and not “statutory.”

Marco Rubio is suggesting a statue of Tim Tebow be placed in the U.S. Capitol Statuary Hall to represent Florida. Mostly because he could have entered the state’s primary election and gotten more votes than Rubio or Jeb Bush did their entire campaigns.

Tiger pitcher Justin Verlander notched his 2,000th career strikeout. Although that has nothing on his most impressive statistic of being the only one who was able to avoid striking out when it came to going out with Kate Upton.

Netflix has launched Fast.com, a site that tests Internet speed. Which isn’t necessary for people who have AOL and find it takes less time to binge watch their favorite shows by just sitting on the couch for an entire week and wait for the next episode to air on TV.

A study says information that is gleaned from calls and texts can reveal a large amount of personal data. Especially if the calls and texts are all coming from the phone of Anthony Weiner.

The CEO of Gap says he would like to be able to sell merchandise through Amazon.com. Although the way sales have been going at the retailer lately, he might start trying to unload it on eBay.

San Jose has been rated as the best city for jobs. Mostly because even though most the people there make minimum wage, the fact that Mark Zuckerberg, Sergei Brin and Larry Page live in the area drives the average wage for everyone up to $150,000 a year.

A new dinosaur species has reportedly been found in the American southwest. It is the first prehistoric specimen to be discovered in that part of the country since the first Senate term of John McCain.

Google has filed for a patent for a type of glue that would stick pedestrians hit by self-driving cars to the hood. Which would also make for a faster and more convenient method to pick up and give a ride to hitchhikers.

Donald Trump is helping Chris Christie pay off legal and campaign bills by appearing at a fundraising dinner. Although to make sure that some money is actually left over from the event featuring Christie, it won’t be buffet style.

Donald Trump has tapped longtime Washington, D.C. operative A.B. Culvahouse, Jr. to lead his search for a vice presidential candidate. He is the person who helped John McCain select Sarah Palin in 2008. What’s next, having his official campaign web page designed by the team that came up with the Obamacare site?

The congressional Benghazi panel says it may deliver its final report either right before the political conventions or the general election. And if those don’t work then they will just keep going right through the end of Hillary Clinton’s second term as President.

North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory says that Congress should step in on the transgender bathroom controversy overtaking his state. The only problem is the last time Congress got involved in a bathroom issue, it was over Larry Craig’s wide stance.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! There is still time to donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk which was last week, but the need for money is year round. The Foundation has one of the lowest overheads of any charity, meaning most the money donated goes for research to help find a cure for the illness. It would be a great way to show your appreciation for the jokes I supply for free every day. And I will continue to write the jokes anyway, so don’t be concerned that a donation will only encourage me. Just click on the picture of me with my wife Karen who was taken from us by Cystic Fibrosis just five years ago. It would mean a lot to me, and would be a nice way of showing everyone fighting the illness that you really are sending the love!