Friday, March 27, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The European Union is warning citizens to stay away from Facebook if they don’t want to spied on by the U.S. Although who really cares if the NSA knows what you ate for breakfast every day for the last three years and that your cat likes to chase a ball of string?

McDonald’s has introduced a Big Mac fashion and lifestyle line in Sweden, featuring clothes with images of the iconic hamburger. When it reaches the U.S., it will be the only collection to start out at size XXXLarge.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk says that Artificial Intelligence will treat humans “like Labradors.” We will know when that has happened when people will be seen in self-driving Teslas going down the freeway with their head hanging out the window.

A 350 pound gunman reportedly robbed a New York Domino’s. Police say the daring criminal had a lot of crust.

A 350 pound gunman reportedly robbed a New York Domino’s. The worst part is that he wanted the money from the register so he could go buy some Little Caesar’s.

A school in Pennsylvania sent home permission slips for students to eat Oreo cookies. Apparently they don’t to risk ruining the appetite for the kids’ pizza, chocolate milk and ice cream meal at lunch.

A school in Pennsylvania sent home permission slips for students to eat Oreo cookies. The reverse of the form only needs to be filled out if parents have not yet given permission for their children to be given their daily diabetes medications.

Nutritionists are warning about Warren Buffett’s “junk food portfolio” that includes investments in the companies that make Velveeta, Jell-O and Oscar Mayer. Or as morbidly obese people call that lineup, “the Buffett buffet.”

Nutritionists are warning about Warren Buffett’s “junk food portfolio” that includes investments in the companies that make Velveeta, Jell-O and Oscar Mayer. When Buffett says to buy low and sell high, apparently he is talking about the readings on household bathroom scales.

A broken traffic signal in Colorado featured a hand that gave pedestrians the middle finger. Normally, to get that experience while in a crosswalk you need to be in New York City trying to cross the street in front of a cabbie.

The new Google CFO will be paid $71 Million a year. Apparently before making the deal, the people at Google failed to type in “What is way too much money to pay someone?” on Google.

The new Google CFO will be paid $71 Million a year. Ironically, the Chief Financial Officer’s main job will be showing the other company executives how irresponsible they are to pay someone $71 Million a year.

The FTC says it is going after crooked car dealers that use false ads, odometer fraud and deceptive loans. To which car dealers are crying foul, saying the FTC is giving away all their best trade secrets.

Carnival Cruise Lines says it is adding nine new ships to its fleet. The company says it is already looking into hiring a crew and staff and is also trying to determine which company they will sign to do the eventual salvage operations.

The IRS says the average tax refund so far for 2014 is $2,893. The good news is that is just slightly more than what the average family income in the U.S. was just after the recession started.

Dean Smith, the UNC basketball head coach who died last month left $200 to each of his players. The NCAA is furious that Smith is making what it considers illegal payments to players but beat them to the punch for the death penalty.

The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau is proposing new regulations to stop payday loan operations that charge interest rates as high as 400%. Apparently the action was initiated by complaints from credit card companies who say they thought of it first.

The CEO of Bank of America saw a salary cut of 7% in 2014. Which is exactly the same percentage of people with home mortgages through the bank who actually still haven’t gone through foreclosure yet.

The EPA says that automakers are on track with keeping up with government fuel economy standards. In fact, GM cars are using hardly any gas now that all their vehicles are spending 90% of their time in the shop for the latest company recalls.

A survey says that retailers are failing to give shoppers what they want. Mostly the ability to walk through a mall without having seven different colognes and perfumes sprayed right into their eyes.

A survey says that retailers are failing to give shoppers what they want. Which is mostly the chance to pretend they are shopping when they really just want to park it at the food court for three hours of uninterrupted junk food binging.

A survey says that retailers are failing to give shoppers what they want. Mostly because it is impossible to pay mall rents and have enough money left over to sell products at a decent price and hire a staff that does anything besides ignoring the customers while they text their friends all day.

Researchers say the secret to living past 100 is to have good genes. Mostly to allow you to keep working well into your 90s to pay for all the doctor bills, prescriptions and medical devices you will need to live that long.

A study says that Ebola is not mutating into a supervirus. Mostly because any illness that has killed more than 10,000 people by eating their insides and causing projectile bleeding from the eyes has pretty much already achieved that status.

A report says that foster kids are put on too many antipsychotic drugs. Although adoption agencies say that is mostly just the ones who ended up in foster care after they chopped up their parents with a chain saw.

A study says that Antarctic ice is melting 70% faster in the past decade. Not to say it may be the result of global warming, but Sandals Resorts has already been buying land for a future location on the Ross Ice Shelf.

A study says that hand towels are the top contamination hazard in most kitchens. Especially when they are used by people to wash their hands after they have just brought home a go order from Taco Bell.

A study says that air pollution can trigger anxiety and even strokes. Mostly in people who become anxious and stressed out by reading how air pollution is going to kill them someday.

Kim Kardashian has reportedly gone back to being a brunette. Apparently blondes like her as a brunette as it takes some of the pressure off them for being stereotyped as being dumb.

Kelly Osbourne is applauding Zayn Malik for leaving One Direction. Some people never understood why her father Ozzy left Black Sabbath. They were OK with him leaving, they just could never understand him.

An evolutionary study says that men prefer Taylor Swift’s body type more than Kim Kardashian’s. There is also a survival instinct that warns men about wanting to keep her family genes from repopulating the world.

Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz says he has never “knowingly” used steroids. Apparently he had no idea that it was those shots he got in his butt from a guy in a back alley had anything to do with him gaining 40 pounds of muscle.

Engineering students in Virginia have come up with a way to extinguish fire with sound. It has worked so well, that every time Earth, Wind & Fire tries to perform they become just Earth & Wind.

A dress has been made with material produced from the process used to make beer. Which is ironic in that the process of an alcoholic beverage would make an article of women’s clothing, which is usually the same way most men use to get it to come right off again.

An analysis says that Google Chrome is the most popular web browser, with Internet Explorer second followed by Safari in third. Apparently Chrome is favored for its minimal interface, flexibility and speed in finding the most available porn sites.

Facebook says it wants to blur the lines between reality and virtual reality. How much more can the lines be blurred other than having 5,000 friends you have never met who insist on showing you what they ate for breakfast every day?

Facebook says it wants to blur the lines between reality and virtual reality. When people think anyone really cares about how long their cat can play with a ball of yarn, the lines have already been blurred beyond recognition.

Some people think Pluto may be welcomed back as a planet in the Solar System, and now the public has a chance at naming its most prominent features. Anyone interested can practice by trying to see a speck of dust on a passing car three blocks away.

Ride sharing company Uber has a new code of conduct that bans “aggressive behavior.” Which is going to be easier said than done when the company is basically running a for-payment hitchhiking operation.

Congress wants to open up the vast troves of federal airwaves to be used for cellphone service. Although the NSA is skeptical, saying it barely has the manpower to listen in on all the phone calls and look at all the naked pictures that are being texted back and forth by every American as it is.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another successful week in the books. Meaning it is finally Friday. Glad you stopped by to read some of the jokes. Now all you need to do is spread the word and let other people know how hilarious this site is. And yes, I am asking you to lie. But it’s the only way I will ever have a chance at reaching my goal of 7 Billion daily readers. Unless the planet’s population somehow soars to about 3 Trillion, which will put the odds back in my favor. Until then, all I ask is that once in awhile you all remember to send the love!

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A survey says that employees are working fewer hours because of Obamacare. Mostly because now that they have health insurance they don’t need to work three jobs to pay off any medical bills.

Mariel Hemingway says that she had to rebuff advances from Woody Allen when she was 18. People were shocked. They had no idea she was his daughter.

Researchers say “robots on reins” that could help people navigate using sensors may someday replace guide dogs. Not only that, but if the robots learn to call balls and strikes they might also replace the umpires who are using the dogs.

A record setting 95 mph roller coaster was unveiled in Charlotte, North Carolina. The ride is named the Fury 325 although most people are calling it “the economy.”

Oprah Winfrey’s OWN has gotten its own network anthem written by Dianne Warren. Or as people who work there know it, the Oprah opera.

Xavier basketball star Matt Stainbrook works for the ride share company Uber to make extra money. Which seems a natural for someone who spends the rest of his time driving the lane.

Xavier basketball star Matt Stainbrook works for the ride share company Uber to make extra money. Which could make it tougher for the school to recruit players when the word gets out about how little the alumni association must be paying everyone.

The Army has announced it is charging Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl with desertion and misbehavior. Which sounds redundant as how much more can you misbehave than to go AWOL?

The Army has announced it is charging Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl with desertion and misbehavior. The last person who left the military without completing his obligations was sentenced to eight years in the White House.

President Obama says he will leave nearly 10,000 troops in Afghanistan at least until the end of the year. Apparently his strategy is to have enough troops left in the Middle East until he leaves office which will make everyone blame the wars on the next President.

Two weeks into a five month flight around the world, the pilot of a solar plane says doubters said it was not possible. Especially United Airlines, who can’t complete a simple flight across the country in five months.

The former CFO of a medical supply company who lost his job with an online video rant against Chick-fil-A says he is now on food stamps. He lost so much money from a video rant he was nearly offered a bit part on “Two and a Half Men.”

The White House estimates that 401(k) clients lose $17 Billion a year through management fees of their accounts. Which is deceptive in that people used to think that 401(k) plans were retirement plans for workers, not the executives of the investment companies.

A bidding war is on to determine the future of RadioShack. Anyone trying to save RadioShack is like a lifeboat trying to lasso the Titanic to think that will keep it from sinking.

Warren Buffett has made $4.1 Million from his investment in Kraft Foods. It was the biggest gain from Kraft other than the expanded waist size from anyone regularly eating their Macaroni & Cheese.

UPS has lost a pregnancy discrimination case filed against them. How ironic that a package service couldn’t figure out how to successfully complete a delivery.

A report says that auto title loans are riskier than payday loans. Which is like saying the casino will eventually end up with all your money, but it will just take a little longer if you play Blackjack instead of Roulette.

A report says that auto title loans are riskier than payday loans. That’s because they can take your car right now but it might be months before most people actually have another work payday.

Zayn Malik has reportedly left One Direction. Which for most people who have left boy bands find out, their career after leaving also goes in one direction, usually straight down.

RadioShack says it is trying to sell data for more than 100 Million of its customers. Business leaders were shocked. 100 Million people actually went to RadioShack?

A report says that medical costs will eat up about 67% of most retirees’ Social Security benefits. That still leaves 33% to cover monthly expenses for Polgrip, Metamucil and Sunday Bingo.

A report says that 40% of workers have less than $10,000 in their 401(k) plans. The other 60% have already taken out loans against it and will spend their retirement working to pay off what would have been their retirement.

Questions are being raised as to whether medical marijuana can be an income tax deduction since the federal government still considers pot illegal. In the meantime, people using it are just wondering if they can at least deduct the pizza, Oreos and Doritos that are listed as the drug’s side effects.

A study says that alcohol ads have increased 400% in the past 40 years, with no increase in how much people drink. Which means many of the orders to advertising companies from alcohol distributors are a result of drunk dialing.

Walgreens says it will no longer require cashiers to say “Be well” to customers who are leaving the store. Instead, anyone using the pharmacy will be told to “come back some time if that stuff actually works.”

Walgreens says it will no longer require cashiers to say “Be well” to customers who are leaving the store. Instead, anyone using the pharmacy will be told “Let me remember you just as you are today.”

Walgreens says it will no longer require cashiers to say “Be well” to customers who are leaving the store. Instead, when people pay with plastic the cashiers will call their doctors to see if they will be around long enough to pay their next credit statement.

Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s have announced what they call fast food’s hottest burger, the Thickburger El Diablo. Which means people who eat one will have their intestines cleaned out at the same time their arteries are being stopped up.

Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s have announced what they call fast food’s hottest burger, the Thickburger El Diablo. Which means for convenience, the restaurant will start putting a Tums dispenser right next to where they keep the defibrillator.

A new FDA approved device will lower the risk of strokes in people with atrial fibrillation. At least until they get the bill that tells them how much of the expense they will have to cover.

Researchers say they have found evidence of breast cancer in a 4,200 year old set of bones found in Egypt. And you thought your HMO was slow in getting back with your diagnosis.

A study says that phones and friends are the biggest distractions for teen drivers. In other words, the biggest distraction for teen drivers is being a teen who is driving.

A study says that distractions are a factor in 58% of car crashes involving teens. The other 42% are from the usual driving out of control like a teenager.

A county in South Dakota has been listed as the most likely place for residents to die before the age of 75. Although that still isn’t as bad as rap concerts where people are more likely to die before the age of 25.

A county in South Dakota has been listed as the most likely place for residents to die before the age of 75. which is OK with most the people there who figure that is still better than living in South Dakota.

The MIND diet, the “Mediterranean-DASH Intervention for Neurodegenerative Delay” is being given credit for lowering the risk of getting Alzheimer’s Disease by 53%. Mostly because only someone with a fully functioning brain is going to remember how to say the diet’s name in the first place.

A study says that people who take frequent antibiotics are more at risk for Type 2 Diabetes. Especially people who like the way the pills taste when they wash them down with a dozen doughnuts and a two liter bottle of Coke.

Researchers in Iceland have announced a compilation of the DNA makeup of the entire nation. For one thing, they have found a gene that has mutated to allow them to survive while eating fried haddock for every meal of their entire life.

Researchers in Iceland have announced a compilation of the DNA makeup of the entire nation. The genes for skin color for the entire group of people range from pale, to ashen all the way to pasty.

A study says that people with lower back pain who are obese and also smoke and drink and are depressed should make some lifestyle changes. The only problem is if you have back pain and are obese and depressed while smoking and drinking, you don’t have a lifestyle in the first place.

A study says that people with lower back pain who are obese and also smoke and drink and are depressed should make some lifestyle changes. Like starting with pretty much everything.

A study says that people with lower back pain who are obese and also smoke and drink and are depressed should make some lifestyle changes. The question is why do they think those people might be depressed?

A study says that death from high blood pressure has increased by 62% in the past 13 years. Which is no surprise as that was right around the time that banks came up with the concept of subprime mortgages.

“Teen Mom” star Farrah Abraham says she wants to become a plastic surgeon someday. Mostly so she can work on herself and make it so no one recognizes her from being on “Teen Mom.”

A UK woman has fallen love with a poplar tree named Tim. Apparently she likes the fact that he has some roots but thinks his personality is a bit wooden.

Vin Diesel says he thinks “Furious 7” will win an Oscar. That won’t happen, but making that statement with a straight face could qualify Diesel for Best Performance by an Actor.

Kylie Jenner reportedly spends 40 minutes a day on her lips. Which is the same amount of time that her brother-in-law Kanye West spends on his lips every morning kissing himself in the mirror.

Rob Kardashian is reportedly bitter, depressed and has rejected family attempts at intervention. How bad off are you when the entire Kardashian family feels you have issues that need to be professionally addressed?


The NFL says there is momentum building to change extra points for 2015. If that works, other exciting changes to rules in sports could include altering the process for intentional walks in baseball and speeding up marking the ball on the greens in PGA tournaments.

SafeBoda, which is being called Uber for motorcycles is gaining popularity in some countries. Although the last thing people in the U.S. want is to call for a ride and find out they will be taken where they are going on a Harley driven by some guy named "Snake."

Republican Representative Louie Gohmert from Texas accuse the FCC of "Playing God with the Internet" with their proposed rules changes. If they were playing God, would it take 11 years to figure out what caused a simple wardrobe malfunction during the Super Bowl?

Republican Representative Louie Gohmert from Texas accuse the FCC of "Playing God with the Internet" with their proposed rules changes. To which the FCC says "You must have us confused with Google."

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad day in the world of local TV news. Long time L.A. Meteorologist Dr. George Fischbeck has died at the age of 92. He was really the first person to bring a knowledge of science along with a quirky personality to the small screen. I remember my mom used to watch KNBC for news but at 6:15 would change channels to KABC just to watch Dr. George. He was one of my inspirations to get into TV weather, and I will never forgive him. Just kidding. Anyone who could make TV weather watchable in L.A. by actually talking about the weather and not being a sideshow comedian must have been pretty good. We will miss you, Dr. George!

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Health officials in New York have ordered day cares to not let children sit for more than 30 minutes without some sort of physical activity to promote exercise. The only question is when have you ever seen day care age kids sit still for more than 30 seconds?

Ford says it is hoping to reduce accidents and speeding tickets by preventing drivers from going over the speed limit. That and the fact their engines can’t go any faster than 55 miles an hour.

The U.S. says it is slowing down its troop withdrawal from Afghanistan. The question is, once you have already been there for 14 years can you even slow things down anymore?

The U.S. says it is slowing down its troop withdrawal from Afghanistan. Apparently the military wants to wait until something happens that can enable us to claim a victory and then leave.

A report says that one half of American households are living paycheck to paycheck. The other half is still working on a way to actually get a paycheck.

A report says that one half of American households are living paycheck to paycheck. The other half is trying to make it on government assistance check to government assistance check.

Students at a California high school came back from a weekend to find their chemistry teacher had transitioned from a man to a woman. Apparently the teacher just felt as a man there just wasn’t a real chemistry.

Apple employees selling the new Apple Watch are being coached to offer fashion advice. The question is, who wants to get advice on style from someone wearing a polo shirt and khakis?

The White House head florist has left her position amid rumors as to why. So far, the best reason that flower experts say she is gone is that she was just cut.

The White House head florist has left her position amid rumors as to why. Apparently she felt the position just didn’t give her the opportunity to grow.

The White House head florist has left her position amid rumors as to why. If anyone wants to get a garden to grow, they should move over to Congress where there is always plenty of available fertilizer.

The White House head florist has left her position amid rumors as to why. Her number one job was sending funeral bouquets to the idea of ever getting rid of the national debt.

The White House has named an adviser to Joe Biden as their message strategist. If people were confused as to what President Obama was doing before, just wait until one of Joe Biden’s people tries to get the message out.

A study says that commutes in the U.S. are getting longer. That doesn’t even include the people who are out of work because they couldn’t make the daily trip to where their job moved to in China.

A study says that commutes in the U.S. are getting longer.  Not so much in distance but in the time it takes to get to work for most people who can’t afford a car and have to take the bus, walk or hitchhike.

A former University of Toledo basketball player has been sentenced to probation in a point shaving scandal. The only problem for the prosecution was showing that it made any difference for the University of Toledo when their players actually tried to score.

A former University of Toledo basketball player has been sentenced to probation in a point shaving scandal. In order for those charges to ever be leveled against anyone on the Jacksonville Jaguars, the team would actually have to finish a game with a negative final score.

The NFL has approved medical timeouts during games. Apparently the idea is to help losing teams that can’t have their players wait until half time to get a steroid booster injection.

Data says that HUD and government printing office employees are the most likely government workers to fall behind on their taxes. Which is no problem for those in the printing office who can take care of any debts by just having the $100 bill printers work a little overtime.

An atheist group is facing charges about how donations were raised and spent. Apparently the group doesn’t like to deal with any currency as they are a little uncomfortable handing anything that says “In God We Trust.”

An atheist group is facing charges about how donations were raised and spent. The question is, how do atheists raise money when it is so hard to get churchgoers to bring out their cash when they pass the donation basket on Sunday?

Montana says real estate mogul Tim Blixseth owes nearly $74 Million in property taxes. Which is confusing to people who wonder if there is $74 Million worth of property in the entire state?

A report says that diet soda sales have fallen 20% in the past five years. The report was based on the fact that waistline sizes have increased 20% over the same time frame.

A report says that Wyoming has been rated the best state in which to retire. The only problem is finding a job in Wyoming that actually pays enough to allow people to stop working before they are 90.

A report says that Wyoming has been rated the best state in which to retire. Especially for cranky elderly people who can move there and never again have to worry about yelling at someone to get off their lawn.

A study says that even in the nursing profession where 90% of all nurses are women, men get paid more. Mostly for having to deal with all the snide comments from their friends about being a male nurse.

News outlets may be able to start showing their content on Facebook. It’s for people who like to get information while they are on Facebook that is something a little more substantive than knowing what their friends ate for breakfast and seeing how their cats can dance.

U.S. auto workers could be in for their first raise in ten years. The workers were supposed to get bonuses but apparently automakers even had to recall all of those.

Researchers say that power naps of 45-60 minutes can raise people’s work performance. Mostly because it would be less than the eight hours of nap time that currently takes up their work day.

A study says that smoking in front of your children can increase the chances they will develop heart disease. Which apparently means if you are going to smoke, at least make the kids turn around.

A study says that men are drawn to women with a 45.5 degree curve between their back and their rear end. Which really would have made for a different kind of vibe if Sir Mix-A-Lot in “Baby Got Back” instead sang “I like a 45.5 degree angle between her back and butt...”

A report says that many Alzheimer’s patients are not told of their condition. Or maybe they are but they just keep forgetting.

A study says that men who get the most physical activity have more erections and orgasms. And vice versa when their wives find out what they have been doing and end up chasing them down the street.

A study says that taking people off cholesterol medications when they are near their end of life may actually be beneficial. Mostly because if they are close to dying, the drugs obviously didn’t work in the first place.

4D ultrasounds reportedly showed fetuses grimacing when their mothers smoked cigarettes. However, the ultrasounds also showed them ordering pizza on their phones whenever their moms would fire up the bong instead.

4D ultrasounds reportedly showed fetuses grimacing when their mothers smoked cigarettes. Especially when their mothers were smoking while they were watching “The Kardashians.”

Studies show that air pollution raises the risk of strokes. Which is good because it takes people’s minds off their non-stop coughing and concerns about their constant chest pains.

Khloe Kardashian says her brother Rob is “not at his best place.” Mostly because the best place for anyone is as far away from the rest of the Kardashians as possible.

Mattel has introduced their new Barbie doll that was inspired by Cindy Crawford. The bad part is that compared to the original Barbie, even supermodels are now considered to be Plus Size.

Will Ferrell received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Although the award has lost some of its prestige. Ever since Adam Sandler was given his own star they have awarded them to three soap opera extras and two people who played cadavers on “Law & Order.”

Iggy Azalea says she got breast implants several months ago. Apparently she realized the only way for some women to ever make the A-list is by getting D cups.

The Dodgers have signed Cuban infielder Hector Olivera to a 6 year, $62.5 Million contract. The good news for the Dodgers is that they paid him in the equivalent sum to put him in the same income class in Cuba which amounts to $4.85.

NFL owners have shot down most of the replay proposals at their annual meeting. It turns out video replays are something owners would rather avoid ever since someone discovered there was a camera in the elevator with Ray Rice and his fiancee.

A Houston Astros farm team in Fresno, California has withdrawn a promotion to hand out 2017 World Series rings because they didn’t want to jinx the Major League affiliate. Although the real only jinx for any team is having the word “Astros” on their uniforms.

A report says that spring is getting 30 seconds shorter every year, with summer getting longer because of the tilt of the Earth. Which will no doubt be seen by conservatives as the smoking gun to finally explain why global warming has nothing to do with human activity.

A report says that spring is getting shorter every year, as the season arrives 30 seconds earlier with summer getting longer. To which the people in Boston are saying “It’s about time!”

A study says that stars may be emitting sound waves. The only bad part is that they are now being sued for copyright infringement by the family of Marvin Gaye.

An iPhone breathalyzer app comes with a video game that becomes more difficult the more a person drinks. Don’t all video games become more difficult the more a person drinks?

An iPhone breathalyzer app comes with a video game that becomes more difficult the more a person drinks. If you need an iPhone breathalyzer with a game to show if you are too drunk to drive, you should just turn in your car keys for a permanent bus pass.

Google fiber, an online connection that is 100 times faster than normal Internet speeds is headed to Salt Lake City. It was needed there because of the slower connections when men are on the Internet at the same time as all five of their wives.

A study says that one third of Americans say they would never buy a self-driving car. Mostly because the recession has made it so they will probably never be able to afford any car ever again.

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak says Artificial Intelligence may make for a future that is scary and bad for people. It’s too bad the blame can’t fall on any individuals, like maybe the ones who gave us the potential for Artificial Intelligence by starting the computer industry in a garage back in 1976?

An analysis says that every four days, the U.S. power grid is subjected to a cyber or physical attack. Remember the good old days when power went out every four days because of a lack of maintenance and upkeep by the power utilities?

An analysis says that every four days, the U.S. power grid is subjected to a cyber or physical attack. Which is OK because one out of every four U.S. households are without power anyway because they couldn’t afford to pay their utility bills the last six months.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, today is my birthday. Ugh. Another year closer to whatever. I’m just glad I still have enough air in me to still blow out the candles. I just wish it didn’t take a fire permit to light enough to represent my age. As usual, I spent the morning cranking out the jokes for you. And if you don’t know my size or what color car I was hoping to get for a present, you can always skate by with just remembering to send the love!

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A researcher says that robots will replace humans in almost half of all jobs in the next 20 years. Which is no worse than the humans in Washington, D.C. and on Wall Street who crashed the economy and already eliminated the other half.

A researcher says that robots will replace humans in almost half of all jobs in the next 20 years. What will be truly ironic is when robots take over all the jobs at the unemployment office.

A researcher says that robots will replace humans in almost half of all jobs in the next 20 years. The only problem will be programming them to take a bullet while they are working at the only jobs left, behind the counter at a convenience store.

Air pollutions levels in Paris have recently exceeded those in Shanghai, China. How bad is it when even the air in Paris is being told it needs to bathe more often?

Air pollutions levels in Paris have recently exceeded those in Shanghai, China. What’s next after the air becoming dirty in Paris? Becoming rude, snobby and arrogant?

Researchers say that power naps of 45 minutes can boost the memory five-fold. Which comes in handy for people who take a nap and then have to remember to do all the things they would have done if they hadn’t slept away 45 minutes of the day.

Starbucks has ended their “race together” coffee cup campaign after a week. Mostly because the coffee company has already transcended prejudice by training their baristas to be equally rude and arrogant to customers of all races.

Pablo Picasso’s former handyman has been sentenced to two years in prison for stealing 271 of the artist’s works. Just like all the paintings, the worker’s defense is that he was framed.

A British rocket car that could reach 1,000 mph would be the fastest on Earth. It would beat out whatever vehicle is currently being driven by Lindsay Lohan.

A British rocket car that could reach 1,000 mph would be the fastest on Earth. Which means NASA should just put some wheels on their rockets so the next time one of them falls over during launch they will just call it a car and claim a world’s record.

A 100 year old car salesman in Wyoming still works six days a week. Mostly because he has never made enough money to retire by trying to sell anything other than trucks in Wyoming.

A 100 year old car salesman in Wyoming still works six days a week. Mostly because he hasn’t made a sale since 1949 since his dealership license is with DeSoto.

A poll says fictional presidents on TV are more popular than President Obama. As opposed to George W. Bush who Dick Cheney turned into a fictional President in the White House.

A poll says fictional presidents on TV are more popular than President Obama. Although the President doesn’t really have to become concerned until his numbers start getting in the range of “Two Broke Girls.”

Scientists are planning to mine waste water for precious metals. And you thought it was bad when people were mining for gold with their fingers up their nose.

Scientists are planning to mine waste water for precious metals. And people thought coal miners had to deal with noxious gases while they were at work.

A child psychologist says that smartphones are harming children mentally. Which explains how being smarter than the person using them is how they got their name.

Richard III will be reburied later this week, more than 500 years after his death in battle. He will finally be laid to rest in a casket which will change his last words to “My kingdom for a hearse!”

Medea vodka has introduced an app that will allow people to display messages on their bottles. The messages will appear in triplicate so people drinking enough vodka will be able to read them by looking at the one in the middle.

An investment manager says that China looks a lot like the U.S. in 2008. The only problem is that the U.S. still looks a lot like the U.S. in 2008.

An investment manager says that China looks a lot like the U.S. in 2008. What’s worse is that the U.S. is starting to look a lot like China in 1947.

Coca-Cola is looking for advertisers to give the company its next global campaign. Apparently they liked “A Coke and a smile” until all the people who drink the soft drink regularly ran out of teeth.

MillionaireMatch.com, a dating site that pairs wealthy people together is asking women to post pictures without any makeup. Which will get about as many results as asking the men to post pictures of what they would look like if they were broke.

MillionaireMatch.com, a dating site that pairs wealthy people together is getting complaints from users that 54% of the profiles are “seriously misrepresented.” What do people think it is, some kind of dating site?

MillionaireMatch.com, a dating site that pairs wealthy people together is getting complaints from users that 54% of the profiles are “seriously misrepresented.” The other 46% are just outright lying.

Louisville Slugger will be bought by Wilson for $70 Million. Which means with the famous brand of bats continuing production, Cub fans will still be able to go to the ballpark and hear the familiar sound of wood meeting air.

360 degree videos have debuted on Youtube. Which is great news for people who also want to see the backsides of all those cats that are on every video posted online.

The NFL has dropped its blackout rule for TV for 2015. Which means the term “NFL blackout” will now only refer to the men who have downed three cases of beer while watching 18 hours of televised football every Sunday.

California is launching a campaign against e-cigarettes. Which means that in order to get Californians to stop smoking them, they need to ignore the health aspect and just try to convince people they aren’t hip or cool.

Researchers say they have discovered a gene that determines if people are apple or pear shaped and the risk of future disease. Although the best way to get more people to stop being apple or pear shaped is to get them to actually eat some apples and pears.

Tests say that today’s marijuana is three times stronger than pot of past decades. Which explains why stoners back in the 1960s were still actually able to finish college and have a career.

Tests say that today’s marijuana is three times stronger than pot of past decades. Which may also explain why today’s pizza has triple the toppings and fat content.

A study says that baseball players’ hitting drops after getting concussions. The study shows that a player has been hit in the head too many times when their batting average falls below the Mendoza line and their I.Q. falls below the Lenny Dykstra line.

The Travel Channel is launching a show that will last for 12 hours. Apparently it is a real time travelogue of Larry King driving three miles to the beach.

Some models are calling for the fashion industry to lose the term “plus sized models.” Mostly because anyone who is larger than the average American is now more correctly identified as “morbidly obese.”

Will Farrell says the college fraternity system should be abolished. Which is a pretty big stance to take considering fraternity members are pretty much 94% of his movie audience.

Kate Gosselin is denying child abuse allegations from her ex-husband. Apparently he is claiming that putting her kids on a reality show for eight years could produce the same results in the families from “Honey Boo Boo” and “The Kardashians.”

David Crosby reportedly hit a jogger in California with his car while he was driving 55 miles an hour. Crosby has been arrested for driving offenses before, making it just another case of Deja Vu.

David Crosby reportedly hit a jogger in California with his car while he was driving 55 miles an hour. Apparently the jogger made the mistake of thinking Crosby was turning since he was approaching with his left blinker flashing the whole time.

David Crosby reportedly hit a jogger in California with his car while he was driving 55 miles an hour. The worst part is when the ambulance arrived they tried to take Crosby because the jogger actually looked to be in better shape.

Seth MacFarlane has won a copyright suit over his movie “Ted.” Hollywood insiders were shocked. Who would actually claim they also wrote that movie?

NFL owners have tweaked the catch rule which says that Dez Bryant’s catch against the Packers still wouldn’t have counted. Which makes the decision over the catch that happened two months ago the longest video review in sports history.

The Cleveland Browns GM says that he expects Johnny Manziel to play in 2015. Which is another way of saying he has been reassigned to place kick holder.

NFL owners are considering a proposal to order unstable players off the field. Which pretty much ends any ideas of a comeback by Terrell Owens.

NFL owners and officials say they are optimistic there will be a team in Los Angeles in 2016. To which the people of L.A. are saying “We don’t have an NFL team anymore?”

Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford and his future wife were given a wedding present of matching custom Jordans. Which serves him right for convincing his bride to register at Foot Locker.

A crowdfunding site allows people to donate money to try to build accounts to keep their favorite college athletes in school. Don’t we already have that? They are called alumni associations.

A federal agency is concerned that a winery’s idea of submerging bottles of wine into sea water to test its effects on aging may contaminate the wine. The vintner has promised in the meantime to “sell no wine that tastes like brine.”

A federal agency is concerned that a winery’s idea of submerging bottles of wine into sea water to test its effects on aging may contaminate the wine. Although most connoisseurs are saying that the sea water actually tastes better than anything coming out of a bottle of Gallo.

A survey says that people love news but don’t want to pay for it. Although we are still paying for how Fox News got their viewers to put George W. Bush in the White House twice.

A survey says that people love news but don’t want to pay for it. That’s not news to any Baby Boomer who used to have a paper route 40 years ago and still remembers being stiffed on collection day.

The NFL plans to show an Internet only broadcast of a game between the Jacksonville Jaguars and Buffalo Bills. Mostly because unlike showing the game on TV, with 4 Billion people online there might be someone in cyber space that might accidentally stumble onto the game so they could claim an actual viewer.

Political experts say that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is using frequent trips to Washington, D.C. to boost his image in a run for the White House. Mostly so people don’t associate him with Louisiana and think he might do the same thing to the rest of the country.

The U.S. is set to buy $69 Million in marijuana from Ole Miss. Apparently the government must think their pot is pretty potent to make it so the students are so stoned they can’t even call it the University of Mississippi anymore.

The U.S. is set to buy $69 Million in marijuana from Ole Miss. In the old days, schools would hold bake sales to raise extra money. Now they sell things that get people baked.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just another day of cranking out the jokes. I am like a machine. And some people even say I am funnier than almost all the machines they know. I figure if I write like a machine, then I stand a better chance of being one of those people who can’t be replaced by a robot. Although the difference is, I will always appreciate it when you remember to send the love!

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says some people have a fat bias that makes them imagine overweight people have a  odor. Although in their defense, the odor always seems to be a Taco Bell chalupa or McDonald’s french fries.

A report says U.S. companies are hoarding a record $1.4 Trillion in cash. It’s getting so bad that next week’s episode of “Hoarders” takes place in the Apple corporate vault.

A report says U.S. companies are hoarding a record $1.4 Trillion in cash. It’s getting so bad that when you search for “hoarder” on Google, it brings up Google.

A report says U.S. companies are hoarding a record $1.4 Trillion in cash. Corporations say they really aren’t hoarding it, they are just keeping it until the company executives find enough room where they can store it at home.

A report says U.S. companies are hoarding a record $1.4 Trillion in cash. The companies are just keeping it in a safe place until the economy gets to the point where they actually have to start paying their employees a livable wage again.

An Ohio man was paid a $1 Million settlement after spending 39 years behind bars for a crime he didn’t commit. That works out to around $25,000 a year. The award would have been larger but the prison is deducting the cost for freeloading off them for a free room and meals for all those years.

An Ohio man was paid a $1 Million settlement after spending 39 years behind bars for a crime he didn’t commit. The former inmate says it works out to more money and better working conditions than if he had spent those years working at a 7-Eleven.

Interior Secretary Sally Jewell thanked a group in Vermont for preparing for climate change. Mostly because Vermont is the one state welcoming global warming as it may finally give some people a reason to go to Vermont.

A report says coalition warplanes have dropped more than 10,000 “smartbombs” that are guided by GPS on ISIS targets since last year. It is the first time bombs have come equipped with a guidance system since GPS became a standard feature on Chryslers.

Fares have gone up on New York City’s mass transit system. At this rate, pretty soon the buses and subways are going to have to be like the airlines and start adding fee, like a pervert toll for the privilege of being groped on the morning commute.

A North Carolina man accused of killing a TV food show contestant reportedly had human remains in his stove. Not only that, but the real giveaway was that they had been cooked at 425 degrees for three hours with a light seasoning of basil, garlic and pepper.

A North Carolina man accused of killing a TV food show contestant reportedly had human remains in his stove. The real giveaway was his Internet search for what wine goes best with a brunette.

Police shot and killed a man who sprayed TSA agents who had insect spray and a machete at a New Orleans airport. Either he was angry at increasing government intrusiveness or Louisiana really has a problem with how big their mosquitoes are getting.

The FBI is looking into the spending of Illinois Representative Aaron Schock who may have broken the law concerning campaign expenses. The question is why aren’t they looking into the real spending problems of Congress, like the ones that have put the country $18 Trillion in debt?

The FDA has approved genetically modified apples and potatoes for consumption. Ironically, the main reason for millions of Americans being genetically modified is eating too many apples in pies and potatoes that have been french fried.

Some colleges are using virtual reality tours to enhance recruiting. Unfortunately, the students will also need to use virtual reality to see what it is like to actually be able to get a job once they graduate.

Some colleges are using virtual reality tours to enhance recruiting. It’s too bad the virtual reality doesn’t show the students what their life will be like trying to pay off their college tuition loans for the next 30 years.

Some colleges are using virtual reality tours to enhance recruiting. All they need now is one for students who are interested in joining fraternities that allows them to sing racist chants while being forced to drink themselves into an alcohol-induced coma.

Chevy Malibu has debuted “Teen Driver,” a new system that allows parents to monitor their kids’ driving. The only problem is finding any teenagers who are actually willing to be seen driving around town in a Malibu.

A new Disney iPhone app allows people to become their favorite Disney character. Which is fitting since most people staring at their iPhone all day have already transformed into being Goofy, Dopey and Dumbo.

A report says that alcohol consumption is rising in China. The biggest question for most Chinese is what wine is best served with poodle?

AIG has settled with investors for $970 Million for misleading them about risks tied to subprime mortgages. Which means the only people who aren’t being compensated for being lied to about the risks of subprime mortgages are the people who lost their homes because they were talked into taking out a subprime mortgage.

A survey says that 40% of Americans can’t spell “Budweiser.” Especially the 40% who have been watching sports all weekend while drinking several cases of Budweiser.

A survey says that 40% of Americans can’t spell “Budweiser.” Which isn’t surprising since 68% of Americans can’t spell any words that are rated above a third grade level.

A survey says that most renters are not ready or willing to buy yet. Mostly because they are not ready or willing to be like all the people back in 2007 who lost everything because they thought they were ready and willing to buy.

A study says that stocks typically don’t perform well during March Madness. Or was that college basketball teams from Texas?

Studies say that nearsightedness is not caused by staring at computer screens, but from people not being outdoors in natural light. Mostly because the glare from natural light makes it too hard to see what is on their laptops, tablets and smartphone screens.

A study says that men prefer an “optimal angle of lumbar curvature.” Which is how anyone talking to nerds would say “awesome booty.”

A study says that yoga may ease depression in pregnant women. Which would be a nice break ahead of the depression they will be dealing with for the next 18 years once they have given birth.

A study says that many acne patients don’t take their medications. Apparently the study was done at the front counter of a McDonald’s.

A Pennsylvania boy survived more than 100 minutes without a pulse after falling into a creek. Which is still well off the record of the eight years Dick Cheney served as Vice President without a detectable heartbeat.

A report says that Bruce Jenner sharing his transgender story with the public has caused a great divide in the family. Otherwise known as the plot line for the next season of “The Kardashians.”

The series finale of “Glee” aired last week. Not to say the show may have been on a bit too long, but all the actors who played high school students now find themselves out of work and at risk of a midlife crisis.

Snoop Dogg is reportedly developing an HBO show. Which could bring on a copyright lawsuit from Showtime over their series “Weed.”

The Emmys has ruled that “Orange Is the New Black” is a drama even though it has previously been nominated as a comedy. There hasn’t been this much confusion over whether a show is a comedy or not since “Two Broke Girls.”

Pharrell Williams says the verdict in the copyright trial over “Blurred Lines” was “shocking.” The only thing more shocking was watching Robin Thicke have a number one selling record.

David Copperfield’s Manhattan rooftop swimming pool burst, sending water cascading down 30 floors. The only thing that David Copperfield has ever made disappear faster is his career.

David Copperfield’s Manhattan rooftop swimming pool burst, sending water cascading down 30 floors. The sad part was when he attempted to avoid legal action by trying to convince his neighbors it was all an illusion.

A report says the Seattle Seahawks and quarterback Russell Wilson are close to a new deal. It is the only contract in the NFL that will pay the quarterback more if he doesn’t throw with the game on the line.

A report says the Seattle Seahawks and quarterback Russell Wilson are close to a new deal. Unlike the final play of the Super Bowl, Pete Carroll is telling him to run with it.

Archaeologists say they have found tools with animal fat that show humans butchered big game 500,000 years ago. That along with the discovery of several empty bottles of honey mustard barbecue sauce.

Researchers say they can explain why some mushrooms glow in the dark. Which is different than how after eating magic mushrooms everything else glows in the dark.

The stock market valuation of Facebook is now up to $230 Billion. Which is $229,999,994,000 more than the value of the company’s total assets consisting of an Internet server in the corner of an office in Menlo Park, California.

House Republicans used GIFs of celebrities including Britney Spears to protest immigration policies. If they really wanted to use the image of a celebrity that would get people to support deporting immigrants, they should have used Justin Bieber.

NASA is testing virtual reality smart glasses that could be used on a trip to Mars. Mostly so astronauts can have something to pass the time when they realize they are stuck on Mars where there is absolutely nothing to do on the entire planet.

Last week was International Day of Happiness. Which is not to be confused where most Americans are happiest when they are stuffing themselves at the International Houses of Pancakes.

A government report blasts IRS security, saying that taxpayer data is left vulnerable to hackers. Which is not a concern to most people who usually don’t have anything left for anyone to defraud once the IRS is done with them.

A study by IBM says that mobile app developers are neglecting security which could leave their customers open to being hacked. Although how much protection is needed for someone who only downloads apps that make their screen look like a glass of beer?


Senator John McCain told President Obama to "get over your temper tantrum" over Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Although if Netanyahu wants to see a real temper tantrum, just wait until he walks across McCain's lawn.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! March Madness makes its way through the first weekend. I didn’t fill out a bracket this year. Only because I found it much more interesting instead of turning the TV to college basketball to instead watch the grass grow in my yard. But then again, I am not the one to look to for what’s exciting as I am busy getting geared up for the Master’s and the start of baseball season. Woohoo! However, people do keep asking me about the Final Four. Although what they mean is that they enjoy my blog more when they only read the final four jokes and ignore all the other just so they don’t waste as much time. OK, that was a long way to go for a pretty small payoff. The only payoff I ever ask for is that you remember once in awhile to keep on sending the love!

Friday, March 20, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that 54% of Democrats say the party should run a fresh face in 2016. Although most candidates come out of Congress and if you have looked over there recently that is probably the last place to find a fresh face.

Google is working on a face recognition system they say is accurate to matching a face to a database of 260 Million photos. The only way to fool the system is to use a picture that is unrecognizable, like the one on your driver’s license.

A new tracking system allows the government to see which federal websites people are looking at. Which will be a lot more useful once the 97% of the people currently online can finally figure out how to navigate their way out of the Obamacare website.

A poll shows that 50% of Americans are still unaware of the Obamacare penalty. Or as Republicans call the Obamacare penalty, “Obamacare.”

A study says that limiting fast food outlets in Los Angeles did not cut the obesity rate. In fact, some diners at restaurants on Melrose Avenue still were measured at having a BMI in double digits.

A 104 year old woman in Texas says the key to her longevity is drinking three Dr. Peppers every day. Which means there is actually someone who followed their logo of having one at 10, 2 and 4?

A 104 year old woman in Texas says the key to her longevity is drinking three Dr. Peppers every day. Which for most people would be followed up by a visit to their other doctor, the endocrinologist who treats their diabetes.

Bill Gates says that Artificial Intelligence could grow more intelligent than humans. Especially the ones who still think they are going to get a computer to work properly that runs on Windows Vista.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu says he still supports a “realistic” two state solution between Israel and Palestine. Which unfortunately won’t be realistic as long as those two states are involved.

A study says that Washington, D.C. has the third longest work week in the country. Mostly because members of Congress consider it part of work when flying back and forth to their vacation homes every weekend along with all the time it takes for their junkets, fundraisers and dinners with lobbyists.

A study says that increasing sugar consumption is hurting the world economy with its detrimental health effects. Meaning that the economy would be growing more if we were growing less.

The NSA Chief says the U.S. cyber defense strategy doesn’t work. Mostly because up until now our cyber defense strategy consists of NSA agents snooping through our e-mails and cellphones looking for people’s stash of naked pictures.

A study says that 5,500 Americans in the past few years have managed to put away $1 Million in their 401(k) accounts. Which would be good except for the $2 Million they owe on their mortgage, credit card debt and student loans.

Graff Diamonds has designed a 150 carat diamond watch that sells for $40 Million. Although that works out to only $37 Million a watch if you buy the set of a dozen available at Costco.

Graff Diamonds has designed a 150 carat diamond watch that sells for $40 Million. The watch itself is digital. Meaning the person wearing it is pretty much showing their middle digit to everyone else in that they can afford a watch that costs $40 Million.

Graff Diamonds has designed a 150 carat diamond watch that sells for $40 Million. The worst part is when it breaks the main spring beyond repair and the owner has no other option than to toss it into the trash.

A study says that law school applications have hit a 15 year low. You know it’s getting bad when there aren’e enough people left to sue for lawyers to make enough money to pay their tuition bills.

A survey says that two thirds of Americans have loaned money that they will never get back. Or as banks call that practice, a mortgage.

A survey says that two thirds of Americans have loaned money that they will never get back. Which is unfortunate, since that Nigerian prince sounded so sincere online.

A study says that support for government safety nets has fallen among those who need it the most. Which can mean only one thing. Even poor people are starting to watch Fox News.

Bacardi has introduced a liquor made from distilled tea called “Tang.” Which finally explains how NASA was able to get those astronauts in the right frame of mind to sit on top of a rocket and be shot into orbit.

A study says the middle class is struggling in all 50 states. Which is really bad for the lower class who now have to struggle to get to the point where they are struggling.

A study says the middle class is struggling in all 50 states. Although the remedy for that is to move to Alabama or Mississippi where just having to struggle to get by is considered upper class.

Standard General says it is bidding $145.5 Million to buy out RadioShack at a bankruptcy hearing, saying it will save 9,000 jobs. Mostly the bankruptcy lawyers who will be working to try to save Standard General after they throw away $145.5 Million.

Standard General says it is bidding $145.5 Million to buy out RadioShack at a bankruptcy hearing. To which RadioShack is asking if they would like any batteries with that.

A Lufthansa pilots’ strike has been extended, resulting in hundreds of canceled flights and stranding thousands of passengers. Or as United Airlines calls that, “Tuesday.”

Alcohol giant Diageo says it will start putting nutrition information on its products which include Johnny Walker and Guinness. In the case of David Hasselhoff, nutritional information that comes along with alcohol includes a cheeseburger eaten off the living room carpet.

Alcohol giant Diageo says it will start putting nutrition information on its products which include Johnny Walker and Guinness. In the case of some women, drinking too much results in them needing to figure out the nutrition needed when eating for two.

A report says the FTC wanted to sue Google in 2012 for using anti-competitive tactics and abusing its monopoly of the Internet. Then they realized if they sued them for being a monopoly that squashes the competition, they would also have to sue the airlines, wireless carriers, oil companies, big tobacco, cable TV...

A report says the FTC wanted to sue Google in 2012 for using anti-competitive tactics and abusing its monopoly of the Internet. They changed their minds when they realized they did us all a favor from keeping Microsoft from doing the same thing.

A top GOP lawmaker called the FCC’s Net Neutrality regulations were just giving in to “politically generated populist furor.” Who does the FCC think they are, Fox News?

The UK is trying to simplify its tax system so that tax returns would be almost completely eliminated. Which is different than the U.S. where tax returns have been eliminated for most people along with the elimination of their income.

The UK is trying to simplify its tax system so that tax returns would be almost completely eliminated. The government’s simplified plan is if you have any income, send it all in.

JetBlue and Southwest Airlines have been ranked as the best carriers for customer experience in the U.S. In all fairness, United was left off the list because they didn’t have any flights that actually got off the ground during the time of the survey.

JetBlue and Southwest Airlines have been ranked as the best carriers for customer experience in the U.S. Apparently those were chosen because as discount air carriers, those were the only ones people could afford to fly and be included in the survey.

A study says that dogs evolved to be man’s best friend because of the presence of the “love hormone” Oxycontin. Researchers say the dogs that didn’t have the hormone in their system turned into a bunch of bitches.

A group of health campaigners says the tobacco industry makes $7,000 for each tobacco related death. Not only that, but apparently it was discovered since 1964 they have been getting kickbacks for the extra business from the casket and funeral industries.

A group of health campaigners says the tobacco industry makes $7,000 for each tobacco related death. Which is a bad business model in that they keep losing all their best customers.

A study says that energy drinks can raise blood pressure to unhealthy levels. Especially when you realize you just paid $3.50 for a 12 ounce drink that made you sweat bullets and shake for three hours.

A study will investigate whether dogs’ saliva can help people with their allergies. If you have noticed what your dog has been licking lately, it might be better to just take your chances with the allergies.

A study says that having a sense of purpose may benefit the brain. Which is bad news for the researchers who spent months of their life on a study that no one will pay any attention to.

Liza Minnelli is reportedly in rehab for substance abuse. Apparently she decided she needed help when she finally got sober enough to realize she actually married David Gest.

A former producer for Jerry Springer is being investigated in the death of her sister. Apparently the two women fought after the sister who was a stripper slept with the other woman’s boyfriend and had a baby which he is now filing a paternity dispute.

Adam Levine reportedly threw a microphone in anger during a performance that hit a woman in the head. The good news is that only a couple of letters need to be shifted to change the group’s name to the more appropriate “Moron 5.”

Actress Eva Mendes says that sweatpants are “the number one cause of divorce.” Especially when a woman catches her husband trying to sneak into the bedroom at three in the morning wearing a three sizes too small pair of sweatpants that say “Juicy” on the backside.

Rapper Iggy Azalea says she may never return to social media. Which doesn’t bother most people who are just trolling around all the sites looking for the latest cat videos anyway.

The government released data on which of the government’s websites are the most popular. It’s the first time anyone has ever used “government’s websites” and “most popular” in the same sentence.

A survey says that 46% of consumers are interested in cutting cable services. The other 54% have still figured out a way to splice into their neighbor’s line for free.

A survey says that 46% of consumers are interested in cutting cable services. The other 54% will put up with the outrageous costs, rude customer service and frequent outages as long as they can still watch the latest episode of “The Kardashians.”

Ikea has stopped a plan for thousands of people to play hide-and-seek in their Netherlands stores. The company says if the point to coming to an Ikea store is to do a frustrating activity with no end that involves trying to locate hidden objects, why not just try to put together an Ikea sofa?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the first day of spring. More importantly it is the last day of winter. After a long, cold and snowy season, the only question is how long will it be until everyone is complaining about the heat? I will never complain about anything as long as you all remember once in awhile to send the love!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

NFL owners are considering a proposal to let instant replays correct officiating errors. So now we’ll have a timeout for a replay with another timeout to replay whether the officials correctly called the replay.

A former Facebook employee is suing the company for sex discrimination and sexual harassment. She says that kind of behavior should be limited to people who are her Facebook friends.

Donald Trump has announced a plan for an exploratory committee for a run for President. The committee will explore whether there are actually any people in the country insane enough to actually vote for him.

Donald Trump has announced a plan for an exploratory committee for a run for President. He says he won’t renew his contract for another season of “The Apprentice.” That shows he is already listening to the will of the people.

A Nevada lawmaker wants to make medical marijuana legal for pets. Using pot could make animals just want to eat and lay around all day. Which means cat owners will be asking what’s the difference?

A study says the longer a baby is breast fed, the more they will achieve in life. Especially compared to the babies whose parents just feed them with some McDonald’s leftovers, Doritos and pizza they puree in the blender.

A study says the longer a baby is breast fed, the more they will achieve in life. Apparently researchers got the idea after seeing how an obsession with breasts led all the way to the White House for Bill Clinton.

A study says the global population will threaten to outstrip the world’s fresh water supply by mid-century. Researchers say fortunately the French are leading the way to conserve  water by drinking only wine and just bathing every other week.

GM says it will pull Opal and most Chevrolet models in Russia because of plummeting sales. Auto industry experts were surprised. They still make Opals?

GM says it will pull Opal and most Chevrolet models in Russia because of plummeting sales. However, they will keep a staff on hand through 2018 to take care of all the recalls that will be issued for GM cars sold in the past five years.

A new Oregon law will automatically register all eligible voters unless they decide to opt out. A similar law is being proposed in Chicago that would even register people who are still living.

Sigma Alpha Epsilon has announced a plan to end instances of racial discrimination and insensitivity among members. The fraternity says it will try to get back to its more traditional values of excessive drinking and sexual misconduct.

The White House has criticized Benjamin Netanyahu’s “divisive rhetoric.” After all, he just won an election as Israel’s Prime Minister, not as a member of Congress.

A survey says that 46% of Americans are worried they will run out of money during their retirement. The other 54% don’t need to be concerned as they ran out of money back in 2007.

A survey says that 46% of Americans are worried they will run out of money during their retirement. But only if they live more than three months past the day they call it quits.

A survey says that 46% of Americans are worried they will run out of money during their retirement. The other 54% just hope they can live to their projected retirement age of 93.

Microsoft says it will launch Windows 10 during the summer as a free upgrade. Which will be especially true for anyone still running Windows Vista, to which anything would be considered an upgrade.

A report says that Atlanta is the most unequal city in the country, with the wealthy making 19.2 times more than the poor. As opposed to Detroit where everyone who has a job makes the same minimum wage.

Buick topped the list on the J.D. Power customer satisfaction survey for mainstream cars. Which was good news for the average Buick owner who knows that being over 80 is now considered mainstream.

Starbucks says it will launch a delivery service in Seattle and New York City this year. They hope to do better than the last attempt at coffee delivery which took several years just for Juan Valdez to hand pick the coffee beans and get his donkey past border security.

Starbucks says it will launch a delivery service in Seattle and New York City this year. Which means people will be able to wait a half hour for their order to be prepared while dealing with a smug barista’s attitude without ever leaving the office.

T-Mobile has announced it will pay people $650 per line to switch over from their carrier. In other words, they will pay the last monthly bill for anyone who is still with AT&T.

The Chair of the Federal Reserve is warning that workers’ pay may not rise any time soon. At least not for most people until Congress gets around to raising the minimum wage.

A study says that spouses influence each other’s exercise habits. Especially men who are motivated to run long distances after their wife catches them sneaking into the bedroom at three in the morning.

Researchers say they have found a way to cut wine hangovers. Apparently they are recommending the method used by winos for years who realize that a hangover only comes around when you actually stop drinking.

A study says a good night’s sleep is important for a woman’s sex life. Although most women know that if the sex is good enough there won’t be any time for sleeping.

A study done by BYU says that loneliness can increase a person’s mortality. Which is why most people graduating BYU know it’s impossible to be lonely when you have five wives around the house.

A study says that hot flashes and night sweats for women can last into their 60s. And that’s just from looking at their 401(k) account and wondering if they will ever have enough money to retire.

A study says that antipsychotics can increase the risk of premature death for people with dementia. But then, do we really want a lot of demented psychotics living to a ripe old age?

A study says that antipsychotics can increase the risk of premature death for people with dementia. Although if you are old enough to have dementia, how premature can death really be?

A study says that preparing meals from TV cooking shows can lead to weight gain. Which is still better than having your spouse attack you with a spatula after learning how to cook by watching Gordon Ramsay.

A study says that preparing meals from TV cooking shows can lead to weight gain. Especially for the people watching Paula Deen make even grabs a stick of butter to start making the salad.

A research paper says a three part test may be able to predict who will get Alzheimer’s Disease. Which doesn’t look good for patients who fail the first part of the test when they don’t even show up because they forgot where they put their car keys.

E!’s “Fashion Police” is on hiatus until two hosts who are leaving the show can be replaced. Which shouldn’t be too difficult when you consider most the people who watch E! get their fashion ideas from “Honey Boo Boo” and “Duck Dynasty.”

Playboy is defending its interview with Azealia Banks where she said she “hates everything about America.” They were surprised at the backlash, mostly because it’s the first time anyone had ever actually picked up a Playboy for the interview.

Duchess Kate has revealed her due date for her second child in mid to late April which means the birth could take away from the upcoming election. Which is ironic as for anyone in line to the throne, election day pretty much is the day they are born.

Kendall Jenner says she will always love her dad Bruce whether he is a man or a woman. At least as long as he doesn’t borrow and stretch out her favorite top.

Steve Buscemi is producing a documentary about a gay inner city gang. It will be the first time gay gangs will be featured in a film since the Jets and Sharks had their choreographed rumble in “West Side Story.”

A CBS soap opera has revealed one of its characters is transgender. The sex change was a complete surprise to the character’s four ex-husbands, eight lovers and evil twin.

The NFL is considering a bonus point kick following a successful two point conversion. Which would have all the excitement and drama as if baseball followed a grand slam home run with the next batter getting an automatic intentional walk.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says that talking about a possible lockout in 2017 would be premature. Which means that it really isn’t since he is already talking about it.

A 1792 penny is expected to be auctioned for as much as $2 Million. Which shows that Ben Franklin was right that a penny saved is a penny earned, at least after 223 years.

A Google executive says he wants self-driving cars to be standard within five years because he never wants his 11 year old son to take a driving test. Talk about taking the long way around saving a few dollars for driving lessons.

Honda is conducting virtual crash tests on its cars. Apparently it is to see the damage caused by someone running into oncoming traffic after being distracted while wearing their virtual reality headgear behind the wheel.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt says he wants Congress to increase the number of visas given to high skilled workers. Apparently he wants to bring people to the states to make it easy to keep an eye on the people he is outsourcing all the jobs to.

Aaron Schock’s father says the resigning congressman will be successful in two years, as long as he isn’t in jail. Which is good to see a dad who stands behind and believes in his son, especially when even he doesn’t buy his story.

Aaron Schock’s father says the resigning congressman will be successful in two years, as long as he isn’t in jail. Which means his dad isn’t sure his son stole enough money to pay for the kind of legal team he will need.

The Secret Service says surveillance videos taken the night two agents crashed into the White House gates may have been destroyed. Either that or they may have just been misplaced by the guards on duty who were also drunk.

The Secret Service says surveillance videos taken the night two agents crashed into the White House gates may have been destroyed. More than likely because they showed two Secret Service agents crashing their car into the White House while drunk.

Dick Cheney says that President Obama is the worst President in his lifetime. Only because when George W. Bush was in the White House Cheney still had his old heart which for those eight years made him technically dead.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! March Madness starts today. I am sure you will find me in front of the TV set through the whole tournament. Watching something else. I am not a huge college basketball fan. Who can believe in any sport where the coach actually gets paid a little more than the players? And how about a bracket that lets people bet on the team most likely to graduate some of its players? Now that would take some talent to win. In the meantime, the only talent you need to have to make me pay attention is when you remember to send the love!