Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Tim Tebow says he is still training in hopes of another chance in the NFL. Even the Ralph Nader for President campaign team is telling him that he is probably just wasting his time.

The U.S. is warning against traveling to Israel and Gaza. Not because of the violence, but because the only U.S. airline to serve those regions is United.

The U.S. is warning against traveling to Israel and Gaza. The way the world is going right now, they should have travel warnings for anywhere outside the U.S. and even a word of caution for anyone thinking of driving through Texas.

KISS bassist Gene Simmons says that everyone should “Try being nice to rich people.” Because self-absorbed, millionaire rock stars have just had it so rough and seldom get their way on anything.

KISS bassist Gene Simmons says that everyone should “Try being nice to rich people.” For instance, just because you are paid to shine the top of his boots doesn’t mean you can’t at the same time lick the bottom.

Sir Ian McKellen is calling for a living wage for actors. At least every actor besides Adam Sandler.

Sir Ian McKellen is calling for a living wage for actors. After all, how can Robert Downey, Jr. possibly pay for the Hollywood lifestyle on just $75 Million a year?

Time Warner is making defensive moves to stop a hostile bid by Rupert Murdoch. To which Democrats are saying you haven’t seen the hostile side of Rupert Murdoch until you make an appearance on Fox News.

Sleep scientists are saying that 7 hours of sleep may be better for people than 8. To which working parents are asking “What about 3 on a good night?”

A plastic surgery simulator is now available as a smartphone app. That way people can use their phone see how plastic surgery will repair their face after they slam into a tree because they were texting while driving.

Two U.S. courts have issued conflicting rulings on Obamacare. After already surviving several attacks from Republicans and judges, there is no better candidate for needing the benefits of Obamacare than Obamacare.

The Detroit bankruptcy plan is being overwhelmingly backed by current and retired city workers. There haven’t been so many people supporting a bankruptcy since Donald Trump filed for Chapter 11.

Sleep experts say that a lack of sleep can put “false memories” in a person’s brain. Although it’s tough to forget the reason they didn’t get any sleep because their wife caught them sneaking in at four in the morning.

A racehorse owned by Queen Elizabeth I has reportedly failed a dope test. As opposed to Charles testing as the biggest dope when he left Princess Diana for Camilla.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is being sued over meddling with the implementation of Common Core. Apparently he feels education is overrated and points to the most successful people in the state are all from the “Duck Dynasty” family.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has criminalized repeated street protests. Repeated meaning more than none.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has criminalized repeated street protests. Apparently he is on a nostalgia trip, returning to the Cold War with the U.S. and silencing the opposition. All he needs now is to send a few tanks into the Czech Republic while listening to some Beatles tunes and it’s like 1968 all over again.

Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 investigators have finally reached the crash site. No wonder they haven’t found Flight 370 yet. It’s taken them a week to get to this wreckage even when they knew exactly where it is.

ExxonMobil says it will follow new anti-bas rules for gay and transgender people. Which means they will rip them off with excessive gasoline prices just like they would do with any other customers.

A study says that 1 in 25 New Yorkers is a millionaire. You can tell which people have the most money because they are the ones who can afford to live in a Viking Refrigerator box instead of the more middle class Kenmore.

A study says that 1 in 25 New Yorkers is a millionaire. As opposed to the other 24 who can actually afford to live there because they are billionaires.

A survey says that millionaires are more likely than others to work during their retirement. Especially CEOs and other executives who have jobs that made them millionaires and don’t require any actual work.

A survey says that millionaires are more likely than others to work during their retirement. Mostly because anyone who isn’t a millionaire will never be able to afford to retire.

Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen says that social media is overvalued. Mostly because anyone her age still has a flip phone and is still struggling to figure out how to send e-mails to the grandkids.

Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen says that social media is overvalued. Which she pretty much based on trying to figure out how Mark Zuckerberg could possibly be worth $30 Billion.

A study says that people are less honest during times when they are most tired. Which means that Washington, D.C. must be the most sleep deprived city on the planet.

A study says that people are less honest during times when they are most tired. Or in the case of Congress, they are only dishonest during the times they are awake.

A federal judge used pizza to explain the legalities of Obamacare. Which is ironic in that most people wouldn’t need the benefits of Obamacare if they would quit eating so much pizza.

A report says that hackers have been able to bypass security at 34 banks around the world. So far the only people who can’t get through bank security to get any money are the banks’ account holders.

China’s latest meat scandal has now spread to Burger King and Starbucks. The question is why are the Starbucks in China using meat in the first place?

California is limiting full contact youth football practice. Apparently they are following the lead of the Cleveland Browns who gave up full contact years ago.

The White House says it is “confident in the legal basis” of Obamacare. Which is good news considering they are having trouble finding a legal basis for just about everything else the administration is doing.

A study at MIT says that trying too hard can make learning a new language more difficult. As can be attested to by anyone trying to understand what the MIT professors were talking about through their Massachusetts accent.

Scientists say that humans have gotten taller, fatter and are living longer than ever which has all come about in the past 100 years. If you look around it also pretty much shows that Darwin had no idea what he was talking about.

A study shows that schizophrenia has been linked to 108 different genes. At least that is what the researchers say the voices in their heads told them.

A study shows that schizophrenia has been linked to 108 different genes. And as all schizophrenics know, every one of those genes is out to get them.

A study shows that schizophrenia has been linked to 108 different genes. Although it turns out it is really only five genes, the rest are just hallucinations.

A study says a high fat diet may affect a person’s sense of smell. Which doesn’t make sense if you have ever known any obese people who can all smell bacon cooking from a mile away.

A tree in Los Angeles planted in the memory of George Harrison was felled by beetles. That would be as ironic as a statue of Chris Christie being run over by an ice cream truck.

GLAAD says that movies don’t portray the LBGT community well. Which came as a complete surprise to the three straight people who are still working in Hollywood.

Beverly Hills Police have told Justin Bieber to tone down his parties. Apparently there have been some all night bashes which get pretty loud when it comes to Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey time.

Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted partying with 25 models in Miami. Well, everyone needs to have a hobby.

The EPA accidentally tweeted about Kim Kardashian’s latest game app. Although what could be in more need of a toxic cleanup than the gene pool involved in “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”?

Snoop Dogg says he smoked pot in the White House. It immediately raised concerns about security at the Executive Residence. Like how was Snoop Dog able to get into the White House?

A report says that Indian mascots can hurt Native American children. Especially when they see that one of their own has been humiliated into serving as the symbol for the Cleveland Indians.

The Oakland As have agreed to a ten year lease to stay at the O.co Coliseum. The agreement calls for the stadium management to put the blame for the building’s smell on the Raiders.

Donald Sterling has filed a new lawsuit against the NBA, the league’s commissioner, the Clippers and his wife. And whomever stole his quart of frozen strawberries.

A survey says that Facebook is the most hated social media company. At least that’s is what has been trending all day on Twitter.

A survey says that Facebook is the most hated social media company. At least by people who have been having problems posting pictures of what they have eaten for breakfast every day for the past three months.

Samsung is selling a 105” TV for $120,000. It can be used to watch CNBC to find out how much sooner they could have paid off their home and retired if they hadn’t spent their life savings on a big screen TV.

Apple is facing a class action lawsuit by former employees who claim they missed breaks and meals and are owed unpaid wages. Or as they call those people at Nike, goldbrickers.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just another day of slamming out the jokes. Kudos to anyone getting this far without becoming physically ill. Even more kudos for actually getting some of the jokes. Super kudos if you got the “Caine Mutiny” reference in the Donald Sterling joke. And the most kudos of all go to those of you who remember to send the love!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A poll says that 40% of Americans are not sure that President Obama is an American citizen. Which is good news for Fox News as it shows that 40% of all Americans are regularly tuning in.

A poll says that 40% of Americans are not sure that President Obama is an American citizen. Mostly because the other 60% can’t find Kenya on a map to tell if it is part of the United States or not.

Hollywood legend James Garner has died at age 86. He became famous first with his appearance on the TV Western “Maverick.” The show is out of syndication because TV stations are too afraid people will think it’s another reality show idea of Sarah Palin.

Detroit says it will suspend water shutoffs for the next 15 days. Which is ironic that the people who are losing their water service are the same ones whose home mortgages are completely underwater.

A study says there have been record turnouts so far in more than half the states told primary elections so far. Which means the only people who are lazier than Congress are the voters who complain they never get anything done.

Senator Diane Feinstein says the U.S. is now at Cold War levels with Russia. Which is too bad since we were so friendly with each other just back in...wait, when was it ever any better?

Senator Diane Feinstein says the U.S. is now at Cold War levels with Russia. The only good part is that if it gets any colder, Vladimir Putin will actually have to put his shirt back on.

A report says the University of Wisconsin-Madison is considering diversity based grading. Although at the University of Wisconsin, diversity covers the ethnic spectrum in Wisconsin that goes all the way from tan to pale.

Computer models examining the effects of nuclear war say the impact would include a 20 year winter with widespread famine. In other words, it would be like living in Ireland.

Baltimore is adopting the strictest curfew in the country, with kids under 14 having to be off the street by 9:00 PM. Which means they will have to get inside from the violence on the street to go into the basement for several hours of shooting people on video games.

A new dating site matches potential mates through their DNA. Don’t we already have that? It’s called Arkansas.

Media analysts have put the value of CNN as high as $4.3 Billion. It could go even higher if they decide to cover something other than the missing airliner story and try to get an audience back.

Media analysts have put the value of CNN as high as $4.3 Billion. But that’s only because they included Anderson Cooper’s eventual share of the Vanderbilt fortune.

The world has broken the monthly heat record two times in a row. Although it’s hard to claim victory for records when we’re the only world that is actually competing.

Estonia has pulled an invitation for an appearance by Steven Seagal at a blues festival over his support for Vladimir Putin. What’s weird is that plot line has more intrigue and suspense than any of Steven Seagal’s movies.

Gay football player Michael Sam has seen his jersey move into the top ten of all NFL sales. It’s amazing how he overcame potential resentment to win over fans. No one ever thought that would happen to someone on the Rams.

Russia is blaming the downed Malaysia Airlines jet on the CIA. To which the CIA is saying “A Malaysia Airlines jet went down?”

Scientists have completed the most comprehensive map ever of Mars. Which means they are planning to send only men on the first flight there and are afraid they will get lost and never ask for directions.

Scientists have completed the most comprehensive map ever of Mars. The only trick was getting all those Google Earth cars up there in the first place.

A New York court has ruled that a man who spanked his 8 year old child for swearing was using reasonable force. The court said that even more violent measures could have been taken, but only if the father had signed up with the NYPD.

A report says that straight business students are crashing gay job fairs. Just the ones who don’t mind applying for work at Pottery Barn, Whole Foods or Starbucks.

Airline fees totaled more than $31.5 Billion last year. It’s getting so bad that the airlines are thinking of charging a fee to pay for the people who have to keep track of all the fee revenue.

Google says it will shrink pictures to speed up the Internet. The only problem will be from all the complaints from Facebook users who will need to get glasses to see exactly what all their friends have eaten for breakfast.

Google says it will shrink pictures to speed up the Internet. Mostly because men will move from one porn site to another faster if the pictures are too small to keep staring at.

A poll says that 22% of Americans feel the best way to fix Congress is to fire all the members. It’s just too bad that there isn’t some way that those people could exercise some sort of right and do something to replace those people every two years or so.

Verizon is launching a rewards program that requires users allow the company to track their movements. That doesn’t even count the movements that happen because people take their cellphones with them into the bathroom.

Verizon is launching a rewards program that requires users allow the company to track their movements. By getting rewards, it still makes it better than paying tax money to have the NSA do the same thing.

A cafe in Ireland has posted a sign telling “loud Americans” to stay away. Although the only reason that Americans are so loud is to try to talk over the drunk Irish customers while they are belting out their pub songs.

A cafe in Ireland has posted a sign telling “loud Americans” to stay away. How bad have we gotten that even the Scots are considered to have better pub manners?

A report says that one fourth of the McDonald’s in China were serving expired meat. The excuse is that raccoon and weasel meat just doesn’t keep as long as beef.

A report says that one fourth of the McDonald’s in China were serving expired meat. If it gets any worse they may be forced to change their name to the Chinese for “Taco Bell.”

A report says that Millennials love buying store brand items. Especially the ones whose parents’ basement they are living in is just too dark to show off any designer labels.

A report says that U.S. airlines have added jobs for six straight months. Mostly from all the extra baggage handlers at United who have to load and unload the luggage from all of their cancelled flights.

A report says that U.S. airlines have added jobs for six straight months. Mostly for workers who are there to keep flight attendants up to date on all the new fees they are supposed to collect on each flight.

A study says that new college graduates have seen their wages rise more slowly than the rest of the U.S. work force. Especially if they have just started their job at 7-11 and haven’t worked their way up past the beginning minimum wage yet.

A study says that new college graduates have seen their wages rise more slowly than the rest of the U.S. work force. Especially the ones who have taken the only jobs available to most of them that fall under the title of “intern.”

A study says that many young adults don’t realize that using hookahs can harm their health. Especially the ones who are too stoned after using a hookah to understand someone explaining how it can harm their health.

A survey says that school administrators say that children like the healthy lunches they serve. These are the same people who have also told us for years that some day we will be able to use the algebra they taught us.

A study says that American children may have stopped getting fatter. Either that or they are just taking a breather between courses.

A study says that American children may have stopped getting fatter. If that happens it could endanger us from losing our hold on the one endeavor our students can still claim as being number one in the world.

A study says that families aren’t doing enough to remove guns from the homes of relatives with dementia. Which is no big deal because even if they can find the guns they probably won’t remember what they did with the bullets.

Researchers are identifying new tastes beyond the traditional sweet, salty, sour and bitter. Which for most Americans now includes fat, lard and greasy.

Researchers are identifying new tastes beyond the traditional sweet, salty, sour and bitter. How fat are we getting that we have run out of ways to describe all the things we are putting in our mouth?

A study says that yogurt may lower a person’s blood pressure. Although it might have something to do with the fact that people who eat yogurt have more stress free jobs like working all day at a comic book or organic food store.

R.J. Reynolds has been ordered by a Florida jury to pay a widow who lost her husband to smoking $23.6 Billion. Mostly because jurors who were schooled in Florida have no idea how much a billion really is.

R.J. Reynolds has been ordered by a Florida jury to pay a widow who lost her husband to smoking $23.6 Billion. The company would have come out a lot better if one of their executives had instead followed her husband through a neighborhood and shot him.

Kendall Jenner has been advised that appearing on “The Kardashians” could hurt her modeling career. Although not having any abilities, talent or career is pretty much what being on “The Kardashians” is all about in the first place.

Kendall Jenner has been advised that appearing on “The Kardashians” could hurt her modeling career. One thing we’ll never know is if appearing on “The Kardashians” will ever hurt anyone’s chance at an acting career.

Dan Aykroyd says the third “Ghostbusters” film will kick off next spring. Although when making a film about ghosts with a cast that has already lost one member, the term “kick off” should be used very sparingly.

Lingerie model Lucy Harold says that being pretty and 25 makes it tough to date. Especially when the only person who keeps asking you out is Donald Trump.

Forbes magazine says that Robert Downey, Jr. is Hollywood’s highest-paid actor. As opposed to back in the 1990s when he was Hollywood’s highest paid-actor.

Brody Jenner walked in on a nearly naked Kim Kardashian during a taping of “The Kardashians.” The hardest part was Kardashian trying to act like she was embarrassed, which is tough to do after you have released a sex tape that has been seen by everyone on the planet.

ZZ Top has had their tour sidelined by kidney stones. Remember when a concert featuring the “stones” used to mean going to see a performance with Mick and Keith?

ZZ Top has had their tour sidelined by kidney stones. Which gives a whole new meaning to when they are singing “Tush” as what you can now see through their hospital gowns.

Former Destiny’s Child singer Farrah Franklin was arrested in Myrtle Beach for disorderly conduct. Pretty soon it is going to be confusing for people to know whether they are at a Beyonce concert or a WWE brawl.

Brett Favre denies he is worried about being booed when he returns to Lambeau Field for a jersey retirement ceremony. Mostly because he will be there every other weekend if his jersey goes through nearly as many retirements as he has.

Johnny Manziel has the number one selling jersey in the NFL. Mostly from people hoping to get a jump on it becoming a collector’s item.

Google says it may bring Wi-Fi to New York City pay phones. To which anyone under 30 in New York is asking “What’s a pay phone?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful readers! As I noted earlier, a sad note from Hollywood with the passing of James Garner at age 86. He was one of the few who could go back and forth from the big screen to the small screen with equal success. We’ll truly miss one of the showbiz greats. Send your thoughts to Jim Garner but try to also remember to send some of the love this way!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Billionaire Carlos Slim is calling for a three day work week. The best way to achieve that is to win a seat in Congress.

Billionaire Carlos Slim is calling for a three day work week. Which for most people sounds like a good idea as opposed to their current employment of no days a week.

Billionaire Carlos Slim is calling for a three day work week. Apparently he feels people need to save their strength in order to work long enough to be able to retire when they are 90.

Billionaire Carlos Slim is calling for a three day work week. The odds of that ever happening are Carlos Slim to Carlos None.

Casey Kasem’s children says the body of the radio legend is missing, which is being denied by his widow Jean Kasem. She also says everything would be fine if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

A report says that 80% of California is in an extreme drought. Which to most Californians usually means the Perrier truck is late for its delivery.

A report says that 80% of California is in an extreme drought. The other 20% is pretty much normal because it’s the Mojave Desert.

FedEx is being charged with shipping drugs illegally for online pharmacies. Which explains why that guy in their old commercials was always talking so fast.

FedEx is being charged with shipping drugs illegally for online pharmacies. Which may be why some of the people receiving their shipments absolutely test positive.

A 105 year old San Diego woman is set to become the oldest person to ever throw out the first ball at a baseball game. No one even knew Jamie Moyer had a sister.

A 105 year old San Diego woman is set to become the oldest person to ever throw out the first ball at a baseball game. What’s sad is that she will still probably be able to get the ball closer to the plate than 50 Cent.

The CDC says that 70% of all firefighters in the U.S. are overweight or obese. The good news is that several companies will respond to put out a fire immediately if you own a McDonald’s, Krispy Kreme or Marie Callender’s.

A report says that 14 states are beating the Federal Reserve’s estimates for unemployment in 2016. Mostly because the Fed is expecting pretty much everyone to be out of work by then.

Amazon has announced an all-you-can-read program that allows customers to download as many books on their Kindle as they want for a monthly fee. Just think of it as a Hometown Buffet for nerds.

Samsung executives are taking a 25% cut in their bonuses because of falling profits. If the company is performing poorly, doesn’t that mean there should be a 100% cut in executive bonuses?

Germany says it will use typewriters to thwart NSA spying. Now all they have to do is make sure the NSA doesn’t have some sort of contraption to intercept their carrier pigeons.

Some new video games teach kids caring and compassion. Like in “Grand Theft Auto,” after stealing a car players show their victims how to fill out the necessary auto insurance claim forms.

Facebook is looking at a “Buy” button so they can make purchases right without leaving their page. That will mostly be used by women, while men are asking for a button they can use to hit on attractive women without actually having to message them.

A report says that only 7% of members of tech boards of directors in Silicon Valley are women. Mostly because that is the number of women who knew the answer to the question needed to qualify for board membership, “What is the top speed of the Millennium Falcon?”

New federal regulations concerning job discrimination could help pregnant workers. Which is good news for women working at Hobby Lobby who can’t be fired if they get pregnant because they store won’t allow their health insurance to give them birth control.

Federal regulators are seeking the help of hackers to stop “Rachel” the robocaller. Although it turns out the calls are being welcomed by gamers and tech geeks whose only other conversations with a female involve Siri.

A report says that ice cream sales are continuing to go up. Mostly as a result of Al Gore leading the way by making people think they need something to cool them down from global warming and that there is nothing wrong with packing on another 50 pounds.

A report says that airlines fly over risky airspace to save money. Which means in the wake of the Malaysia Airlines plane being shot down, passengers can expect a new “arrive in one piece” fee on all their flights.

Some airlines have reportedly already considered installing anti-missile defense systems on their planes. The worst part would be the passenger who ends up assigned to the seat that has to operate the air-to-ground missile launcher in an emergency.

A study says that Americans are keeping more money in their checking accounts than in the past two decades. People are sleeping better with bigger bank accounts. Especially from not having all those uncomfortable lumps to contend with when they stuff all their cash into their mattress.

A study says that vasectomies may increase the risk of prostate cancer. To which most men say it’s a chance they will take because there is a cure for cancer, but not for children.

A poll says that Americans who exercise the most feel best about their appearance. Then why is it that it’s always the obese men who like to walk around the beach wearing Speedos?

A faucet manufacturing company in Chicago has put a limit on the amount of time employees can spend in the restroom each week. The worst part is trying to hold it while water is constantly running during faucet testing.

A faucet manufacturing company in Chicago has put a limit on the amount of restroom time employees can use and are offering incentives if they don’t go. The only problem is that workers are finding the incentive pay barely covers the cost of their adult diapers.

Elaine M. Brody, an expert on the elderly has died at age 91. The worst part of her job was that all the subjects of her research kept complaining about having to work with such a young whippersnapper.

Elaine M. Brody, an expert on the elderly has died at age 91. The sad part is that is the one job in the country where you don’t have to worry about being fired because of your age.

A study says that avid cyclists could have an increased risk of prostate cancer. Except the ones who keep getting tested by taking the seat off when they ride.

A poll says that smokers feel high cigarette taxes are unjust. Although the good part about cigarette taxes is the more you smoke, the less time you will have to pay them.

A study says the rate of erectile dysfunction among young troops is way above average. Mostly because it’s tough to get in the right mood when instead of Barry White on the stereo you have mortar fire in the distance.

A study says the rate of erectile dysfunction among young troops is way above average. Mostly because it’s easy to have ED when your mind is stuck on the possibility of getting blown up by an IED.

A New York doctor accused of overprescribing pills has been found guilty of manslaughter. Which could be bad news down the road for anyone working a counter shift at McDonald’s.

The teen metal band Unlocking the Truth says they are planning a book. Which for a metal band pretty much means it will be mostly pictures.

Shakira has become the most liked celebrity in Facebook history with more than 100 Million likes. Her next goal is to see if her Youtube videos can beat out a cat playing the piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

Joy Behar compared Sarah Palin to Vanna White. One ended up being paired with an old, rich, white ultra-conservative. The other was a candidate for Vice President.

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Teresa Giudice is reportedly going to be using her entire $700,000 yearly salary on legal fees. It’s just too bad she wasn’t able to set some of that aside for acting lessons.

Kobe Bryant is featured in a new documentary where he says he is “scared” of his future after basketball. He is 36 years old and played only six games last year. It sounds like he is pretty much already there.

Kobe Bryant is featured in a new documentary where he says he is “scared” of his future after basketball. It must be fearful to be 36 and wonder how long that $200 Million net worth is going to last.

Floyd Mayweather became offended during an interview when he was asked about his friendship with Justin Bieber. The worst part is the reporter who asked the question went out to her car after the interview to find her car had been egged.

Brazil says it will name the successor to World Cup soccer coach Luiz Scolari this week. It is the most anticipated move concerning the future of a Scolari since the cancellation of “Bosom Buddies.”

The ACC has been denied the use of helmet cams and wireless radios for football teams. However, the NCAA says players instead will be allowed to tweet during games and post pictures of their team training meals on Facebook.

Google driverless cars are raising concerns from the FBI about their potential use in crimes. Imagine Justin Bieber being able to travel from house to house having both hands free to throw eggs.

Tech groups are saying the U.S. needs to restore its trust following revelations about domestic spying. At least that’s the word that is being leaked onto the Internet by the NSA.

A study says that 42 states are at risk for damaging earthquakes over the next five decades. Which is still fewer states than those in danger of going bankrupt in the next six months.

Washington, D.C. had a city sidewalk block set off with a “no cell phones” lane. Which was OK with local politicians, just as long as there wasn’t a “no bribes, kickbacks or cronyism” lane.

Washington, D.C. had a city sidewalk block set off with a “no cell phones” lane. Ironically, the word didn’t really get out until people took pictures of the signs with their cellphones and posted them on Twitter and Facebook.

Brett Favre has been named to the board of directors of the social network Sqor. He used the occasion to officially announce his retirement from the board of directors of Sqor.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Happy to say my daughter is back from her trip to Wichita. That will teach her to clean her room next time I tell her. Just kidding. Love Wichita. Triple digit heat in the summer, below zero wind chills in the winter, tornadoes in the spring. But autumn is nice there. Both weeks of it. She just turned 15 and flew out there by herself. I had no idea she knew how to hotwire a plane. Actually, she flew on United. Which means I would have felt more relaxed if she actually had hotwired a plane. This time only her flight out was cancelled. And she ended up in the right city. So kudos to United for only screwing up a quarter of the things that could have gone wrong, a marked improvement over the past few times I have flown on that disaster. So the Barach household is back to normal, whatever that is at this point. The one thing that is still missing can be remedied when you remember to send the love!

Friday, July 18, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A Malaysia Airlines plane was shot down, allegedly by Russian separatists over the Ukraine. The wreckage was found immediately which meant that CNN assigned that Malaysian Airlines flight to Headline News.

A poll says that three in five financial professionals think the market is on the verge of a bubble. Mostly because they are the ones who are causing it and will more than likely get out right before it happens.

A poll says that three in five financial professionals think the market is on the verge of a bubble. Of course, they also came up with the idea there might be a housing bubble about three days after the mortgage meltdown.

Microsoft says it will lay off about 18,000 employees in the next year. The company’s troubles can be traced to the fact they were run for 14 years by the person who thinks buying the L.A. Clippers for $2 Billion is a bargain.

Microsoft says it will lay off about 18,000 employees in the next year. The company is telling employees to use it as an opportunity, and that every time a door closes it’s probably a result of opening Windows 8.

The US Geological Survey says the risk of earthquakes has increased for about half the U.S. The warning came out as soon as they were sure that Chris Christie was going to declare his candidacy for president and start traveling to more states. 

An al Queda magazine is suggesting there may be an attack on the tennis U.S. Open. Isn’t it enough that John McEnroe will be one of the announcers?

An al Queda magazine is suggesting there may be an attack on the tennis U.S. Open. That’s the magazine that comes with scratch ‘n sniff ads that smell like TNT residue.

An al Queda magazine is suggesting there may be an attack on the tennis U.S. Open. Instead of a chance at winning the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes, a subscription puts you in the running for getting blown up by an IED in your driveway.

The military says that brain scans could be used to predict the thoughts of our enemies. Just a guess, but their thoughts of our enemies might have something to do with inflicting harm on us.

Californians who are found guilty of wasting water during the drought may be able to attend “water school” instead of paying a $500 fine. The trick is making sure that your water school teacher didn’t serve any time with the CIA at Guantanamo Bay.

Car rental agencies in Denver report that customers are leaving the pot they bought in town in their rentals rather than risk trying to take it through the airport. As opposed to the customers who smoke all their weed and instead leave their glasses, wallet and luggage.

Rupert Murdoch has reportedly offered $75 Billion to buy Time Warner. The offer will officially be delivered sometime between 8 and 5 on a Monday through Friday within the next two weeks.

Rupert Murdoch has reportedly offered $75 Billion to buy Time Warner. It could even go higher depending on how many HBO channels come free with the deal.

U.S., China and Australia military forces will take part in an infantry exercise said to teach troops how to survive “out in the wild, eating snakes and bugs.” Which means that the Army is preparing to invade Louisiana.

Lawmakers are calling on GM to fire their chief lawyer over their lack of action with defective ignition switches. To which GM says if he has done anything wrong it is up to his law school to put him on recall.

Airlines are diverting flights away from the Ukraine in the wake of the Malaysia Airlines crash. In all honesty, any plane flying over the Ukraine means the pilot has completely misread the flight plans.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says that he is “sober as a judge” after completing rehab. After which all judges in Toronto were asked to give hair and blood samples for drug testing.

A study says that putting a teenager on a family auto insurance policy raises the premiums by 79%. Which means parents will have to make the choice of whether it is better for their kids to have a driver’s license or a college diploma.

A report says that a record number of Millennials are living with their parents. Which is even worse as their Baby Boomer parents have also had to move back in with the Millennials’ grandparents.

GM was reportedly warned by its own lawyers over potential severe and costly legal penalties over the recall debacle. When your legal team is worried about litigation expenses, that’s when things are getting very serious.

GM was reportedly warned by its own lawyers over potential severe and costly legal penalties over the recall debacle. Which were ignored as soon as executives found out the expenses wouldn’t be coming out of their bonus pool.

GM says it has replaced fewer than 20% of their defective ignition switches. Fortunately, the other 80% have enough different defective parts that won’t allow them to start up anyway.

Facebook is testing a button that would allow users to shop from the website. Which means instead of posting pictures of the meals they are eating, all your Facebook friends are going to be putting up pictures of their yard sale items they want to unload.

The median price of a home in San Francisco has gone up over $1 Million. Mostly because the houses are being bought by all the Silicon Valley techies who make a lot of money and don’t have frivolous monthly expenses, like say for dating.

Oregon is suing 5 Hour Energy drinks over what they say are deceptive ads. Apparently the drinks can barely keep Portland Trail Blazers fans awake through a two hour basketball game.

Oregon is suing 5 Hour Energy drinks over what they say are deceptive ads. The real test will be seeing if members of the jury can drink a bottle and stay awake through five hours of testimony in that case.

The FDA says it is working on an overhaul of food labeling, making it more understandable what foods are good and bad. Although it’s a pretty good bet that it is bad if it comes in a can or a box and needs a label in the first place.

A study says that smoking may increase the risk of suicide. Apparently some people just don’t have the patience to wait the 30 years it takes for the cigarettes to kill them.

A study says that swinging your arms when running helps save energy. Mostly from not having to run much farther and faster to get away from the jocks who will beat up any geek who runs with their arms hanging down.

Experts say that the impending hotter summers will put swimmers at risk. Especially any ones who wind up in the ocean near a school of sharks that have developed a taste for sunscreen.

A study confirms that people who smoke marijuana can develop short term paranoia. Mostly from being worried about getting busted for possession of pot.

A study confirms that people who smoke marijuana can develop short term paranoia. Except for Justin Bieber. People really are out to get him.

A study says that people with a life threatening illness or injury are more likely to survive in an Emergency Room that is busy. Mostly because when it is crowded the staff may not have time to check and see that you don’t have any medical insurance.

A study says that people who drink alcohol mixed with energy drinks want to drink more alcohol. Which means those energy drinks come in handy when you need that extra boost to hold your head up over the toilet while throwing up all night.

Actress Stacy Keibler says that pregnancy is “no excuse” to eat donuts. Which is exactly the opposite of what has been said for years by the Keebler Elves.

Kim Kardashian is reportedly set to make $85 Million on a video game application where players win by looking good and doing nothing. Which is pretty much the secret to the Kardashian empire.

Kylie Jenner was recently ticketed for two offenses on the same day. Which is different than being ticketed for being offensive, or else the entire Kardashian family would be starring in a reality show featuring Judge Judy.

Jennifer Lopez has had a water mite named after her. Although instead of a Hollywood star, it would be more fitting to name a parasite after someone in Washington, D.C.

The musical version of “Rocky” will play its last performance next month. It’s the one where the show isn’t over until the Neanderthal sings.

Kim Kardashian sent out an Instagram picture of her tanning her backside. Which explained why Los Angeles was completely enveloped for two hours in what was thought to be an unexpected solar eclipse.

72 year old NASCAR driver Morgan Shepherd is being criticized for his driving ability following a recent crash. For one thing, it’s distracting for the other drivers to be following someone who keeps leaving his left turn blinker on.

72 year old NASCAR driver Morgan Shepherd is being criticized for his driving ability following a recent crash. The most aggravating part is when other drivers get on his tail and he keeps waving them around.

A poll says that LeBron James is the most popular male athlete in America. Mostly because he gives Americans hope that if he can find a good paying job in Cleveland, there may be hope for them as well.

Experts say that the legal team of Aaron Hernandez can handle two trials in five months. Mostly because after he is executed after the first one there won’t be much of a need for the second.

Experts say that the legal team of Aaron Hernandez can handle two trials in five months. Mostly because the evidence pretty much shows the trial will consist of the judge banging the gavel and yelling “Guilty!”

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft says the NFL should strive to have a London team by the end of the decade. The only problem is getting fans in England used to a scoreboard that goes higher than 1-0.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the NFL Draft will be in Chicago or L.A. in 2015. The one thing that could keep L.A. out of the running is that when people were told about it they kept asking “What’s the NFL?”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the NFL Draft will be in Chicago or L.A. in 2015. The sad part is that most people in L.A. are now more familiar with the Stanley Cup than the Lombardi Trophy.

A study of prehistoric plaque shows that early humans ate weeds. Which is ironic in that modern humans in Colorado and Washington state who have discovered pot brownies are doing the same thing.

Microsoft says it will be shutting down its Xbox studios as part of its upcoming layoffs. The worst part is that the laid off employees won’t getting any upgrades to the Xboxes they will be playing on every day while they are out of work.

Competitive gaming is coming soon to ESPN. Apparently it is for people who just can’t seem to come down from all the excitement of watching a month’s worth of World Cup soccer to see a total of three goals scored.

Competitive gaming is coming soon to ESPN. It is being anxiously anticipated by all the gamers who need something to do during meals when they actually stop playing their own games for a few minutes.

Former Panama dictator Manuel Noriega is suing Activision over using his image without permission in “Call of Duty.” Lindsay Lohan has made similar claims against the makers of “Grand Theft Auto V.” The sad part is that legal experts say Noriega has a much better chance than Lohan of finding a sympathetic jury.

Former Panama dictator Manuel Noriega is suing Activision over using his image without permission in “Call of Duty.” What really made him mad isn’t using his image as much as the improved resolution which really highlights his acne scars.

A poll says that 64% of voters feel the stock market is rigged against them. Economists were shocked. 64% of voters have enough money to invest in the market?

A poll says that 64% of voters feel the stock market is rigged against them. As compared with 100% of voters who know that all the elections are also rigged against them.

A poll says that 64% of voters feel the stock market is rigged against them. The other 36% say they don’t care as long as they know the WWE wrestling match they have tickets to that night are legitimate.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am back on a regular schedule at work, if you want to call afternoons and evenings regular. That means I will have my usual number of jokes in the lineup. Because it is obvious my priority is quantity over quality. And speaking of quality, some sad news from the entertainment world. Legendary Blues guitarist Johnny Winter has died at age 70. The amazing part is that he looked like he was 70 thirty years ago. While he may not have taken the best care of himself, he could play Texas Blues like no one else. Mix that in with his growling vocals and he was one of the greatest blues acts ever. Listening to him play made me appreciate his genius while bemoaning my own lack of skills on the six string. Going to miss him. If you aren’t familiar with him check him out on Youtube for some awesome shredding. And while you are doing that, make sure to remember to send the love!