Friday, December 13, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump has ditched efforts to do away with the Office of Personnel Management. Who needs someone to manage personnel when everyone on his staff has already been fired?

Michael Bloomberg has called for a war on poverty in California. Which it’s tough not to become poor when having to shell out $2.3 Million for a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

Michael Bloomberg has called for a war on poverty in California. First thing, everyone just needs to be like him and somehow come up with $54 Billion.

The U.S. warned North Korea of the consequences of making good on new missile tests. Donald Trump says he means business this time and it will be their 27th and final warning.

The U.S. warned North Korea of the consequences of making good on new missile tests. Which after enough times is like the dad on vacation who threatens to end the trip and go home early.

8 in 10 Americans say politics is the biggest source of stress in their life. Which is how you can tell you are dealing with someone who only watches Fox News.

8 in 10 Americans say politics is the biggest source of stress in their life. In fact, they are so stressed they can’t make themselves to vote on election day to actually do something about it.

8 in 10 Americans say politics is the biggest source of stress in their life. The other 2 are stressed out having to listen to the other 8 bicker about what’s wrong with the country.

Michael Bloomberg has given $10 Million to help endangered Democratic members of Congress. Meaning all the ones not in California, New York or Massachusetts.

Harvey Weinstein has reached a $25 Million settlement with his accusers without being the one who pays and admitting no guilt. Well, that will sure teach him a lesson.

Harvey Weinstein has reached a $25 Million settlement with his accusers without being the one who pays and admitting no guilt. Which is just like a movie producer to work with other people’s money, stick to the script and not accept any of the blame.

The world’s first all-electric fire engine was unveiled in California. Which hopefully it wasn’t built by PG&E or it will have to be kept inside and turned off whenever there is a fire.

A report says the Vatican uses donations for the poor for its budget deficit. Which they justify as the priests who are sued for millions of dollars for sex abuse have all taken the vow of poverty.

Disney is being sued by a labor union for failing to pay a living wage. Anyone who thinks they can live on a Disneyland salary is invited to look for an apartment in Fantasyland.

Disney is being sued by a labor union for failing to pay a living wage. Which is never going to happen for a group that are basically considered glorified carneys.

Disney is being sued by a labor union for failing to pay a living wage. To which Disneyland is pleading poverty saying the park has been infested by mice since it opened.

A report says the most common place for older people to die is at home. Mostly because they don’t have insurance so the hospitals tell them to come back when they feel better.

A report says the most common place for older people to die is at home. Mostly when their wives catch them swiping right on other women on Tinder.

A study says monkeys with best friends have a better survival rate. That’s because real friendships need to evolve.

A study says monkeys with best friends have a better survival rate. What do you call the best friend of a monkey? Their prime-mate.

A study says monkeys with best friends have a better survival rate. Mostly because if they took a vow of solitude they would instead be a monk.

A British mom admits paying $9,000 to have someone else take her son’s online college classes. Which makes her the digital age version of Lori Loughlin.

A British mom admits paying $9,000 to have someone else take her son’s online college classes. The question being who’s dumber, the kid who can’t take a test or his mom who could have gotten someone to do it for probably $200.

The deadly New Zealand volcano was said to be a “disaster waiting to happen.” Which sounds like the words someone might use to describe a volcano.

Jack Black in an interview forgot he made the movie “The Holiday.” Which is not surprising as everyone else did as well.

Jack Black in an interview forgot he made the movie “The Holiday.” Now if he could just forget he ever starred in “Nacho Libre.”

The mansion used in “The Beverly Hillbillies” has sold for $150 Million. The listing says it is 25,000 square feet with a wine cellar, ballroom and cee-ment pond out back.

Andy Cohen says he missed his son saying his first word. Which if his son is anything like Andy Cohen, his first word was “Me!”

PGA Tour golfer Tommy “Two Gloves” Gainey was arrested in a Florida prostitution sting. Although when messing around with a prostitute, he just made sure he was wearing one glove.

PGA Tour golfer Tommy “Two Gloves” Gainey was arrested in a Florida prostitution sting. He says there was a misunderstanding when he said he would take two strokes a side.

A Maryland man threw a metal pitcher at a judge who sentenced him to life in prison. He thought it was fair to throw the pitcher at the judge after she threw the book at him.

A North Carolina school is apologizing for a teacher’s math assignment comparing the value of slaves to white people. Even worse is she was saving Hispanics for the lesson on multiplying.

France is raising its retirement age from 62 to 64 despite massive protests. There is the fear that the action could actually cause workers there to become ill-tempered and rude.

A travel agent in Pennsylvania bilked customers out of $400,000 in fake trips. It could have been worse. She could have taken the money and booked them all flights on United Airlines.

The editors of LGBTQ publications OUT magazine and The Advocate left their jobs the same day. Which is ironic how first they came out and then got kicked out.

California officials are pushing the idea of housing the homeless on a cruise ship. Although homeless advocates say if it’s a Carnival cruise ship it would be cruel and unusual punishment.

California officials are pushing the idea of housing the homeless on a cruise ship. Life on the streets is littered with filth, is unsafe and crowded. So it’s like they’re already on a cruise ship.

California says there could be dire consequences if the state doesn’t take immediate action on rising sea levels. The worst part is twofold with Malibu going underwater and all the beachfront property moving to Bakersfield.

A study says watching TV is the number one lifestyle habit associated with childhood obesity. At least it’s not like using smartphones and getting hurt walking into traffic or texting while driving.

A study says watching TV is the number one lifestyle habit associated with childhood obesity. On the positive side it is an activity that will stay with them the rest of their shortened life.

The wealthy German family that owns Krispy Kremes has given millions of dollars to Holocaust survivors. Now they must settle with the people who are terminally obese from Krispy Kremes.

The wealthy German family that owns Krispy Kremes has given millions of dollars to Holocaust survivors. To which they are saying “So, are we good with that concentration camp thing?”

The Google top healthcare question of 2019 is about how to lower blood pressure. Which is mostly a result of people watching the entire impeachment hearings on TV.

A study says 43% of antibiotic prescriptions in the U.S. were unnecessary or improperly written. 
The other 57% were never used because the patients weren’t able to afford them.

A study says 43% of antibiotic prescriptions in the U.S. were unnecessary or improperly written. Besides, who needs to pay for antibiotics when they are already inside any fast food chicken or beef meals anyway?

A study says sleeping nine hours or more a night may raise the risk of strokes. Which is no big deal because after the stroke they will be staying in bed pretty much all day anyway.

More than 20 tons of breakfast burritos have been recalled because of plastic pieces. Which is no concern because if they’re microwaved enough it pretty much becomes the melted cheese.

A study says seniors are no more lonely today than in past generations. Which just shows that people have never wanted to spend their time hanging out with the old people.

A study says 1 in 5 U.S. adults use wearable trackers. Especially the ones with dementia so when they take a walk the family can look at where they are online and just go pick them up.

A study says 1 in 5 U.S. adults use wearable trackers. The other 4 don’t need one because it’s pretty easy to find them when they are never more than a few feet away from the couch.

Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton say they aren’t getting married now because her Catholic faith demands she get her first marriage annulled. Because they want to be morally fit for the priest who will marry them while he waits on his 30 pending sex abuse lawsuits.

“Bachelor” host Chris Harrison is available to be hired to officiate weddings. And who wouldn’t want to be married by the guy who has been involved in so many publicly failed romances?

“Bachelor” host Chris Harrison is available to be hired to officiate weddings. Brides should just not let him be the one to also host the bachelor party.

Jack Black says he is almost ready to retire from show business. To which most people were surprised, saying “Is he still working somewhere?”

The Nike swoosh logo will be on the front of all Major League Baseball uniforms next year. As opposed to the black armband they will be wearing with the Under Armour logo.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred calls the Astros sign stealing investigation “the most thorough ever.” Which means there will be no punishments just like with steroids, corked bats and domestic violence.

Raiders fans are bracing for the team’s final home game in Oakland. The fans who will support them in Las Vegas can only hope the jail cells there are just as accommodating. 

Raiders fans are bracing for the team’s final home game in Oakland. Fans are hoping they can go out in style by losing one more for Al Davis.

Major League Baseball says there is no “smoking gun” as to last year’s home run surge. Although it could have something to do with the pitch count dropping to eight and the 25th pitcher of the day maybe not being so sharp.

The NCAA says it needs help from Congress over athletes’ pay. Which is not going to help turning to the one group more incompetent than the NCAA.

The NCAA says it needs help from Congress over athletes’ pay. Which will end up with the NCAA handling it like everything else and just suspending everyone.

The White House is making a push for paid family leave and child care reform. Like with immigrants, paying to make the parents leave and caring for the kids by putting them into cages.

Michael Cohen wants his sentence trimmed for cooperating against Donald Trump. He went to jail for helping him and now wants to be rewarded for ratting out someone who can’t be touched.

Donald Trump went after Greta Thunberg, saying it is “ridiculous” she is the Time Person of the Year. How jealous is he that he hired a State Department worker because she made her own fake Time Magazine cover?

Fox News’ Chris Wallace called out Donald Trump for the “most sustained assault on freedom of the press in U.S. history.” Except of course other than the one by all the people at Fox.

Police in India killed two protesters defying a curfew. And you thought it was rough when your parents grounded you for coming in a few minutes after 10:00.

Louisiana Senator John Kennedy says it’s “easier to divorce a spouse than get fired by the FBI.” It’s true as Donald Trump fired James Comey yet has been divorced himself twice.

A study says Elizabeth Warren’s wealth tax will raise a trillion dollars less than she claims. That’s because if Congress was good with numbers, we wouldn’t be $23 Trillion in debt.

An anti-immigration group says 72,000 births a year in the U.S. are to foreigners. Which is why they are now calling for hospitals to put up a wall around all the maternity wards.

A study says beer companies use ad strategies to influence younger people to drink. Especially the time that Budweiser paid for product placement with the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.”

A study says beer companies use ad strategies to influence younger people to drink. Because when have kids ever taken an interest in adults-only behavior?

Ten ex-NFL players are being charged for defrauding the league’s healthcare program. Their defense is they filed false claims because they forget who they are from their CTE.

A study says using temporary nurses can increase the risk of patients dying. Which is why they only need to use temporary nurses.

A study says Orlando, Florida is failing to grow tech employment. Which is evident as the most modern breakthrough are the talking animatronics in the Disney Hall of Presidents.

Google Assistant’s Interpreter mode knows 44 languages. Which means all it takes is one bad programmer for a conversation between high level officials and we’re into World War III.

Full university scholarships are offered for video gamers in Pennsylvania. Which just shows how badly the Sandusky scandal ruined the Penn State football program.

Full university scholarships are offered for video gamers in Pennsylvania. Which means the top college athletes who used to be vulnerable to knee problems and CTE are instead now being treated for high blood pressure and diabetes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another successful week of the best topical jokes you will find anywhere. Certainly the most as today there are a whopping 77 jokes, which is why I label myself the most prolific joke writer on the planet. Nobody cranks out that many. They may not all make for belly laughs but I do guarantee them to be grammatically correct. If you would rather hear me read them to you and I don’t know why you would, go on over to my daily comedy podcast News Jokes By Jim and give a listen. Here’s the link:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-12-12-2019/id1416271102?i=1000459409277  Make sure to subscribe and don’t be shy about telling your friends about it. All I ever ask after that is to remember once in awhile to always keep on sending the love!

Thursday, December 12, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Three people have been charged in a $722 Million cryptocurrency scheme. Which is otherwise known as “cryptocurrency.”

Three people have been charged in a $722 Million cryptocurrency scheme. The first sign it wasn’t legitimate was when the Bitcoins featured a picture of Chuck E. Cheese.

Chevron will take an $11 Billion writedown over weak gas prices. Which is the deduction energy producers can take when they can’t gouge customers as much as usual.

A 5,000 year old plan to erase debt is catching on in the U.S. Which would be better than taking the next 5,000 years to pay off our current national debt of $23 Trillion.

Nancy Pelosi says Democrats ate the White House’s lunch over the NAFTA trade deal. Not only did they eat their lunch, they gave them a bologna sandwich in exchange for their Twinkies.

Nancy Pelosi says Democrats ate the White House’s lunch over the NAFTA trade deal. Which means they got a sack full of Big Macs and Chick-fil-A sandwiches.

Exxon Mobil won a lawsuit claiming they falsely told investors the toll climate regulations would have on business. The company was believed when they asked “What’s a regulation?”

A study says narcissism declines with age with the turning point a person’s first job. The problem with Donald Trump being before President he’s never actually held a real job.

A study says narcissism declines with age with the turning point a person’s first job. That’s because at the first job, they will be constantly humiliated by their narcissistic boss.

New York City was caught relocating homeless people to Georgia. Mostly as a favor with the income of the New York homeless is pretty much upper middle class anywhere in Georgia.

Harvey Weinstein will undergo back surgery. People were surprised. They had no idea he actually had a spine.

Harvey Weinstein will undergo back surgery. His victims are hoping when he is on the operating table they can throw in an additional procedure to neuter him.

Rudy Giuliani says he will report his findings on his trip to Ukraine this week. Which will be that Donald Trump is 100% innocent and the cause of every problem there is Hunter Biden.

Rudy Giuliani says he will report his findings on his trip to Ukraine this week. Which will be that he is moving there just as soon as they confirm he will be given official refugee status.

Rudy Giuliani says he will report his findings on his trip to Ukraine this week. It may leave out the part about selling his security company’s services to three different businesses there.

Nike has unveiled a hijab. Which is their most controversial apparel since the Colin Kaepernick flag protesting knee pads.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says monopolies aren’t bad if they aren’t abused. Just like dictatorships are OK as long as you aren’t one of the opposition being executed.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says monopolies aren’t bad if they aren’t abused. Especially if you are a big time CEO and like the game are given a “Get out of jail free” card.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says monopolies aren’t bad if they aren’t abused. Especially when able to overcharge all the customers in order to give millions of dollars to the top executives.

New Zealand has ordered 1.2 Million square centimeters of skin to treat the volcano burn victims. Being New Zealand, the request includes all the skin be white.

New Zealand has ordered 1.2 Million square centimeters of skin to treat the volcano burn victims. It’s the first time since the 1970s there was actually a request to “Gimme some skin.”

New Zealand has ordered 1.2 Million square centimeters of skin to treat the volcano burn victims. Which should be no problem since the request was given over to Hannibal Lecter.

Salt-N-Pepa’s longtime manager says he is calling it quits. Mostly because he hasn’t been able to book them a gig since 1993.

Salt-N-Pepa’s longtime manager says he is calling it quits. He says he has a bigger calling from just Salt-N-Pepa and wants to move up to the Spice Girls.

The Cincinnati Bengals are said to be “livid” over the Patriots videotaping them illegally. They are afraid the video will go viral and everyone will see how bad they really are.

The Cincinnati Bengals are said to be “livid” over the Patriots videotaping them illegally. Mostly because it’s been so long since anyone actually wanted to put what they do on video.

The University of Phoenix will cancel $141 Million in debt. That should pretty much wipe out the loans of up to twelve students.

The University of Phoenix will cancel $141 Million in debt. Which is good for graduates who were having trouble paying back their loans with the money they make at Papa John’s.

A French figure skater is being probed for sending lewd photos to a girl skater. He almost got away with it as no one would ever suspect a male skater of sending nude pictures to a girl.

A study says 1 in 3 Americans under 25 feels lonely. The worst part is that they couldn’t even come up with a list of three friends that doesn’t include the name “Siri.”

Brazil President Bolsonaro called teen climate activist Greta Thunberg a “brat.” To which her home country of Sweden is asking why he is calling her a roasted German sausage?

Brazil President Bolsonaro called teen climate activist Greta Thunberg a “brat.” To which she is thinking if it gets her Time Magazine’s Person of the Year award it could be worse.

Brazil President Bolsonaro called teen climate activist Greta Thunberg a “brat.” To which her response should be “And how many Time Magazine Person of the Year awards do you have?

Greta Thunberg has been chosen Time’s Person of the Year. At 16 years old, that kind of makes your 10th grade spelling bee trophy on your mantle seem pretty insignificant.

Pigeons wearing cowboy hats have been roaming around Las Vegas. Usually it’s the people beneath the pigeons who make sure they are wearing hats.

Pigeons wearing cowboy hats have been roaming around Las Vegas. Which is ironic in Las Vegas as anyone seen around town in a cowboy hat is pretty much marked as a pigeon.

Facebook has tumbled in its job satisfaction ranking. Mostly because anyone working for the company and making $100,000 a year in the Bay Area is borderline homeless.

Facebook has tumbled in its job satisfaction ranking. It turns out all the great reviews they were previously getting were all from Russian bots.

The University of California is being sued for demanding students take the SAT and ACT tests. People want to go back to the old system where acceptance is based on the amount of their parents’ bribe.

Chapman University is forecasting no housing shortage in California. The only shortage is the number of people who can come up with $1.7 Million for a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

Iran says it has defused a large cyberattack on its infrastructure. Meaning someone tried to unplug the Supreme Leader’s laptop.

A study says people finding a meaning in life are more likely to be physically and mentally healthy. Meaning the researchers doing the study like putting down everyone else.

A study says the danger of “superbug” germs is greater than previously believed. Which may be why they are called “superbugs.”

Fitzhugh Mullan, a foe of healthcare discrepancies has died at 77. The cause of death was not being able to get a doctor’s appointment at his HMO.

A study says C-sections are not tied to obesity in children. Unless the kid was just too fat to come out the conventional way.

Aaron Carter is being accused of racism for being caught on video speaking in a Chinese accent while ordering food. Even worse is that he was doing it at a Taco Bell.

A FIFA committee wants to recover $2 Million in bribes given to Michel Plantini which got him banned from the sport. Mostly because Plantini left without ever giving FIFA its full cut.

The Tigers general manager says the team is “building back up.” After going 47-114 last year it’s good to see they are not resting on their laurels. 

The Tigers general manager says the team is “building back up.” If real tigers had that kind of winning percentage, they would bypass the endangered list and go straight to extinct.

Le’Veon Bell bowled a personal best game 251 while missing a Jets game from being sick. Even better is he forgot his bowling shoes and got his high score wearing his cleats.

Le’Veon Bell bowled a personal best game 251 while missing a Jets game from being sick. The sad part is that he was in the pocket more times than the Jets quarterback.

Le’Veon Bell bowled a personal best game 251 while missing a Jets game from being sick. The question being was he sick from the flu or eating his dinner at the bowling alley?

The brother of an NBA player scored 100 points in a college game for Wayland Baptist. Which most college athletes will say that is 70 more points than they ever got on an actual test.

Jack Nicklaus’ Rolex watch he wore for 50 years sold at auction for $1 Million. Which is a bargain considering that works out to about $2.28 for every hour he owned it.

Mike Pompeo says Donald Trump and a Russian diplomat discussed election interference and Trump would not accept future meddling. That’s because the 2016 results were way more than he ever expected.

Donald Trump, Jr. called Greta Thunberg a marketing gimmick. If that’s true, she should soon follow another marketing gimmick’s lead and start selling vodka, steaks and men’s suits.

Donald Trump, Jr. called Greta Thunberg a marketing gimmick and that Time’s Person of the Year should go to the Hong Kong protesters. Which means whomever won the award would pretty much be ignored by his dad.

The Biden campaign denies a report Joe Biden is only planning to serve one term. Even worse is he could pull a Sarah Palin and pack it in after just two years.

Michael Bloomberg gave $10 Million to help endangered House Democrats. Which is ironic they are endangered when the problem with Democratic presidential candidates is overpopulation.

Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear will restore voting rights to 100,000 convicted felons. People were surprised at the news. There are only 100,000 convicted felons in Kentucky?

Joe Biden claims he has the most diverse staff but won’t back it up. He just says that nobody on his entire staff is as white as him.

Former rivals are going after Kamala Harris’ big donors. Which shows in politics, the vultures don’t even wait for the body to stop moving before picking at the carcass.

New York City was picked as the best place for New Year’s Eve. Because when standing in below freezing conditions for hours with Times Square pickpockets spending hundreds of dollars on food and drinks, the rest of the year has to get better.

A 9 year old Belgian child prodigy is leaving university to study in the U.S. after a dispute on when he would graduate. Apparently he doesn’t want to be in college when into double digits.

A 9 year old Belgian child prodigy is leaving university to study in the U.S. after a dispute on when he would graduate. Besides, it’s so much easier when getting accepted with just a bribe.

Food labels showing how much exercise will be needed to burn off calories helps people make healthier choices. Although it’s sad to see on a bag of donuts “No TV this week, pal.”

Food labels showing how much exercise will be needed to burn off calories helps people make healthier choices. Which on a box of Oreo O’s cereal it will say “See you in 3-4 hours.”

A study says truck owners prefer GM and Ford over the Tesla Cybertruck. Especially people who like trucks better than military/armored vehicle/lunar rover hybrids.

A Russian company is making a $129,000 gold iPhone featuring a Nativity scene. Which is a reminder how the Three Wise Men miraculously found Jesus without the help of GPS.

A Russian company is making a $129,000 gold iPhone featuring a Nativity scene. Which will be a reminder that it is a Christmas present they will be paying off until the Second Coming.

The FBI shared security advice about online shopping. Which is good they have time to warn about shopping when they were just called out for not even being able to wiretap properly.

The FBI shared security advice about online shopping. To which people are saying “Leave the shopping to us, you just catch all the porch pirates.”

A century long cover up over “depraved” sex acts by penguins was revealed in a new book. It was so bad that “March of the Penguins” will now only be available in adult video stores.

YouTube is banning “malicious insults and veiled threats.” Which means that pretty much eliminates Donald Trump from the possibility of ever having his own YouTube channel.

YouTube is banning “malicious insults and veiled threats.” Which will take away billions of views from all the rap videos they will pretty much have to delete.

YouTube is banning “malicious insults and veiled threats.” Which was pretty much the point for watching all the YouTube stars whose videos consist of bashing all their competitors.

The most googled person in 2019 was football player Antonio Brown. Which is ironic people were searching him while he was searching for a team that would still take him.

Hundreds of lawyers stormed a Pakistan hospital to retaliate against a doctor who assaulted one of them. It was the most lawyers ever at a hospital who didn’t arrive chasing an ambulance.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another long day for yours truly, but I am never too busy to cut back on cranking out the jokes. I am just a glutton for punishment, as are all of you who keep coming back to read all of these. If you ever get tired of the reading, be sure to try out my daily comedy podcast I may have mentioned called News Jokes By Jim. Here’s the link:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-12-11-2019/id1416271102?i=1000459308080  Yes, it’s pretty much all the jokes from the blog in audio form. But that way you can have me read them to you and have it done wherever you like. In the car, the gym, at work. Anywhere you want to cover up all the distracting background noises. Make sure to subscribe and if you are a real friend, you will tell all your friends to help get those numbers up even higher. The more people who listen, the better the chances I keep on putting them out. And it’s a daily thing so if things get slow you can tune into the ones you may have missed. Other than that, all I ever ask is that occasionally you remember to always keep on sending the love!