Friday, September 22, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The CDC says mosquitoes carrying deadly diseases could invade 75% of the U.S. To which Donald Trump immediately announced a plan to cover the entire nation’s border system with mosquito netting.

MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell was caught on tape ranting at his staff for eight minutes. Apparently it was just an effort to audition to take Bill O’Reilly’s time slot over at Fox News.

Rams-49ers tickets for Thursday night were selling for $14. Most people still decided to at least save some money by wasting only $8 to see the movie “Mother!”

Two high school students in Kansas are running for governor there. Mostly so they would at least have something to write next year on their assignment “What I did over summer vacation.”

Two high school students in Kansas are running for governor there. Mostly because serving as governor would look better on a college application form than “worked at Wal-Mart.”

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte told police to kill his son if drug allegations against him are true. To which all of Donald Trump’s children immediately told each other to make sure to start shopping early for next year’s Father’s Day.

A study says one third of all women are not interested in sex. People were surprised. Two thirds of all women are still single?

Southern Nevada is moving toward allowing 24 hour pot dispensaries. Which means to attract more customers, all the 24 hour casinos will soon be opening 24 hour pizzerias next door.

Southern Nevada is moving toward allowing 24 hour pot dispensaries. Not so much because the city works on a never close schedule but it’s just hard for so many potheads to be able to get out of bed during regular business hours.

U.S. household wealth hit a record $1.7 Trillion. Not because anyone actually has any disposable income but due to in southern California even a two-bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima now sells for $3.4 Million.

Mel Brooks says “stupidly political correctness” is going to be the “death of comedy.” Just ask Bill Maher, Gilbert Gottfried and Michael Richardson.

Mel Brooks says “stupidly political correctness” is going to be the “death of comedy.” Of course, at 91 he remembers the good old days when Don Rickles would kill with a routine of twenty minutes of racial slurs.

A report says Nestle is making billions of dollars selling bottled water they are getting for free. Mostly because of their plant in Flint, Michigan where the residents are saying “Take all you want!”

Pope Francis I admits the Catholic Church “arrived late” in confronting abuse. Which means they now waited even longer to finally admit the waited too long.

L’Oreal heiress Liliane Bettencourt, the world’s riches woman has died at age 94. She was involved in a political campaign financing scandal in 2007. Fortunately, that kind of black eye is easy to cover when you own a billion dollar cosmetics company.

Domino’s Pizza stock has gone from $14 a share in 2010 to its present $197. That puts to rest any arguments that the economy wouldn’t be helped by legalizing pot.

Ryanair is apologizing for mass cancellations due to pilot vacations. Did their personnel department not have access to a copy of the airline flight schedule?   

Ryanair is apologizing for mass cancellations due to pilot vacations. Usually their pilots only need time off through late April to recover from their St. Patrick’s Day hangovers.

Ryanair is apologizing for mass cancellations due to pilot vacations. Which is sad that they had to cut the number of flights because they knew even when their own pilots travel they won’t fly on Ryanair.

A truck carrying 40,000 pounds of vodka overturned on a North Carolina highway. It appears the crash may have something to do with the post-accident truck weight of 39,997 pounds of vodka.

Bernie Sanders says diplomacy and human rights must drive U.S. foreign affairs. To which Donald Trump says it already does, when he tells other countries politely they can do things our way or have the right to be nuked.

BYU has ended six decades of banning caffeinated soft drinks on campus. Alumni were shocked at the changes. It’s only a matter of time before students partake in other deviant behavior like foul language and facial hair.

BYU has ended six decades of banning caffeinated soft drinks on campus. Alumni were shocked at the changes. Which is good news for students who can finally quit drinking their rum straight and mix it down with some Coke.

BYU has ended six decades of banning caffeinated soft drinks on campus. Alumni were shocked at the changes. Apparently it was tough to compete with schools one state over in Colorado where the student union stocks beer, cigarettes and weed.

German gun maker Heckler and Koch has vowed to stop selling weapons in “crisis regions” of the world. Which means they may have to close down some top locations like Chicago, Detroit and New Orleans.

A report says damage to Puerto Rico from Hurricane Maria could top $30 Billion. People were shocked at the estimate. What in Puerto Rico was worth $30 Billion?

A report says tech workers are fleeing to Canada in the wake of Donald Trump’s immigration policies. That and the fact that for the price of a two bedroom condo in Silicon Valley you can pretty much buy an entire Canadian Province.

Texas congressman Jeb Hensarling said repeat flood victims are being told by God to move. The only question is when will God tell the people looking for a compassionate politician they need to move out of Hensarling’s district?

Aldi is selling an event calendar that comes with 24 bottles of wine. It’s for people who need a drink when they see another calendar page turn with no job, healthcare or future in sight.

Death Wish cold brewed coffee is being recalled over botulism concerns. At least the company can rest easy knowing they gave it a good name.

Death Wish cold brewed coffee is being recalled over botulism concerns. Which is too bad because it tastes so good when using it to wash down a Chipotle burrito.

Death Wish cold brewed coffee is being recalled over botulism concerns. It is the deadliest cup of coffee since Starbucks opened a store in downtown Detroit.

Donald Trump reportedly told Sean Spicer he did a “great job” at the Emmys. But still at the White House, not so much.

Donald Trump reportedly told Sean Spicer he did a “great job” at the Emmys. He also says he loved all the times he saw him perform on “Saturday Night Live.”

General Mills says it will bring back Trix cereal with artificial colors and flavors. Which will be accompanied by the Rabbit and new slogan “Trix are for fat and chemically poisoned Kids!”

General Mills says it will bring back Trix cereal with artificial colors and flavors. The worst part is needing a degree in chemistry just to read the ingredients label.

General Mills says it will bring back Trix cereal with artificial colors and flavors. The worst part is that the most nutritious part is the cardboard box it comes in.

The White House reportedly approved Steve Mnuchin’s use of government aircraft to travel to Kentucky to see the solar eclipse. Apparently Donald Trump feels sorry for people who aren’t rich enough to afford their own fleet of private jets.

CVS says it will limit opioid prescriptions to only a seven-day supply. The problem is that for most addicts, a seven-day supply is what used to be a two month supply.

CVS says it will limit opioid prescriptions to only a seven-day supply. Apparently they want to limit their 60-day supplies to addicts of sleep aids, barbiturates, tranquilizers, anxiety medication and amphetamines.

A new asthma drug is being tied to nightmares and depression. Although it is still not as bad as the nightmares and depression asthma suffers experience because they can’t breathe.

A study says magnesium levels that are too high or too low are tied to a higher risk of dementia. Well, it’s good to see they narrowed that one down.

A study says magnesium levels that are too high or too low are tied to a higher risk of dementia. It may be one or the other but researchers couldn’t seem to remember.

A study says cheat days may help dieters lose weight. While cheat nights may help married men lose half of everything they own.

A study says using a personal car to get to the hospital may be better for shooting and stabbing victims than waiting for an ambulance. The exception being what will happen after your wife finds out you got blood all over her brand new BMW.

A study says using a personal car to get to the hospital may be more beneficial for shooting and stabbing victims than waiting for an ambulance. Ride sharing isn’t any better, especially when the victim was shot and stabbed by their Uber driver.

Dr. Edmund Eger II, who made anesthesia safer for patients, has died at age 86. His work made it possible to put people under to ease the shock factor when they were given their surgery bills.

ABC has given the go ahead to a sitcom about an undocumented family living in the U.S. When hearing the news, Donald Trump immediately ordered a wall to be built around the network’s headquarters.

ABC has given the go ahead to a sitcom about an undocumented family living in the U.S. Although if undocumented aliens want to disappear they should get a show on TBS like Conan O’Brien.

Yoko Ono is suing a drink maker for lemonade called “John Lemon.” Right now, it looks like the case will have to be settled on a peel. (Sorry, bad pun but it’s all I had on this one…)

Jay-Z is passing on performing at the Super Bowl halftime show in support of Colin Kaepernick. Which isn’t really necessary because Kaepernick won’t be performing there, either.

Jay-Z is passing on performing at the Super Bowl halftime show in support of Colin Kaepernick. The only question is what about the league’s other 30 starting quarterbacks who also won’t get a chance to get on the field?

Cher says she keeps her costumes in a special, temperature-controlled unit to preserve them. Which is interesting in that she has to do exactly the same thing with her lips, nose and breasts.

The NFL is reportedly considering sending the Chargers back to San Diego. Mostly so the three loyal fans buying tickets to see them play at the StubHub Center can save themselves having to drive the extra two hours.

The NFL is reportedly considering sending the Chargers back to San Diego. Mostly because the league is now remembering why nobody missed having a team in L.A. for more than two decades.

The NFL is reportedly considering sending the Chargers back to San Diego. The league is concerned about the “bad optics” of empty stands. The Chargers could scrimmage at a busy intersection in downtown Beijing and still not attract a crowd.

The NCAA is trying to stop a Texas A&M runner not to use athletics on YouTube to promote his business. Apparently they feel college students should use YouTube for what it was intended. Replicating stunts they saw on “Jackass.”

The Cincinnati Reds say they will install protective netting at the Great American Ball Park. At least everywhere but where fans aren’t in danger of being hit by batted balls, like over any of the outfield fences.

Johnny Manziel will be back in court after not responding to a lawsuit legal filing in time. Which will just have to go down on his record as yet another incompletion.

The Lakers have unveiled their jersey patch with Wish, an e-commerce company. Although fans may confuse it with the team’s new strategy to make the playoffs.

The Philadelphia 76ers have unveiled their new “Spirit of 76” campaign. Apparently it has to do with their hopes of not losing more than 76 games next season.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I leave you with quite a few jokes today that will hopefully get you through the weekend. I will be taking off a couple of days from my “real” job next week but don’t worry, I will still be cranking out the jokes right here. You didn’t think I would let you off that easily, did you? I hope you enjoy your weekend and we will meet again right here, same time, same place. Same jokes. Well, you can’t have everything. But I definitely feel that I have it all when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


Thursday, September 21, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Christian numerologists are predicting the world will end Saturday. That would be terrible for the people of Houston as it would come after going through Harvey but before the Astros get their turn in the playoffs.

Christian numerologists are predicting the world will end Saturday. Although many people say they are too late, that the world already pretty much came to an end on November 8th with the presidential election.

After two weeks, the NFL scoring rate is at historically low levels. Apparently some players would rather just fall down rather than risk a concussion by being tackled.

Fox has taken back the lead as most watched cable network. All it takes for Trump viewers to tune in is when he starts ramping up going to war with North Korea.

Amazon is reportedly working on smart glasses. Which for most people are any glasses that improve their vision enough to see how cheaply made anything is they bought through Amazon.

Warren Buffett says the Dow Jones could go over a million dollars in the next century. Which with inflation would amount in today’s money to about $27.50.

A Forbes event included a photo of the world’s richest people with a net worth totaling $147 Billion. Which means if I was included in that picture it would increase it to 47 Billion and 8 dollars.

An outbreak of hepatitis has been reported in Los Angeles. No one had any idea that Pamela Anderson was dating again.

A Florida home that was spared by Hurricane Irma was swallowed by a sinkhole. That’s like someone taking their money out of the stock market before the Great Recession and instead turning it over for safekeeping to Bernie Madoff.

A Florida home that was spared by Hurricane Irma was swallowed by a sinkhole. That’s when you know it just isn’t going to be your year.

The National Enquirer has apologized over a false story that claims Judge Judy has Alzheimer’s Disease. Although since there were no further apologies, for now we just have to believe that she is still married to Bigfoot.

The National Enquirer has apologized over a false story that claims Judge Judy has Alzheimer’s Disease. Which for people familiar with the Enquirer, that means one down and 8 Million to go.

An end of life chatbot has been developed to help people with tough final decisions. Although it needs a better bedside manner where it doesn’t tell terminally ill patients it’s time to power down.

A robot has been developed that can tell the sex of someone just by a handshake. Mostly by knowing it must be a man if their fingers are sticky from nachos and beer.

A British supermarket is offering people payment through finger vein identification. Which just means if you don’t have enough cash they go into your veins and take it out in blood.

The WHO is warning the world is running out of antibiotics. Which means people will just have to get their supply the usual way by eating more corporate produced beef, chicken and pork.

The WHO is warning the world is running out of antibiotics. Which means people can still eat at Taco Bell to get what it takes to offset what they caught at Chipotle.

A New York penthouse apartment in the Woolworth’s Building is selling for $110 Million. At least anyone buying it in that location knows they won’t eventually be nickel and dimed.

Donald Trump told leaders in Africa he has friends going there to get rich. Apparently they are all holding high-level meetings with a group of Nigerian princes.

Donald Trump told leaders in Africa he has friends going there to get rich. Although the last time they heard that was at the start of the slave trade.

A 5 year old California boy was suspended from school for making a terrorist threat. Apparently it involved intimidating others with biological warfare with the threat of spreading an outbreak of cooties.

Several governors along with John Kerry are championing a 15 state climate alliance to fight global warming. Which is good news for Republicans as it means they still have control of the other 35.

President Obama says the Republican healthcare plan would inflict “real human suffering.” Which is falling on deaf ears to the group that also said it was OK to interrogate suspects with waterboarding.

Iran’s President says Donald Trump’s comments to the U.N. were “ignorant, absurd and hateful.” To which Trump’s supporters are saying at least he is consistent.

Iran’s President says Donald Trump’s comments to the U.N. were “ignorant, absurd and hateful.” To which trump’s supporters are saying they may have it confused with what he said about Charlottesville, North Korea, Hillary Clinton, 9/11…

Prosecutors say Anthony Weiner should get 21 to 27 months in prison for sexting minors. Hopefully he can use that time behind bars to learn to add up to 18.

Prosecutors say Anthony Weiner should get 21 to 27 months in prison for sexting minors. The worst part is that after all that time trying to get people to see him naked, when he finally gets his wish it’s during inmate shower time.

A report says airline baggage fees didn’t lower fares much. Bad news for passengers is that neither did the fees for blankets, water, ticketing, seat assignment, Wi-Fi…

A report says airline baggage fees didn’t lower fares much. To which the airlines are saying “Those fees were supposed to be used to lower ticket prices?”

Equifax tweeted a link to customers for a fake site pretending to be Equifax. The worst part is there was a lower chance of card holders being hacked on the fake site than with Equifax.

Brown University will eliminate student loans and replace them with grants that won’t be repaid. Mostly because after graduating with $100,000 in debt and ending up with a minimum wage job, no one ever pays off their tuition loans anyway.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says he is “shocked” there is even a debate about the DACA immigration policy. He’s even more surprised there isn’t more of a debate about Apple getting away with charging $1,000 for a new iPhone.

Hurricane Maria knocked out power for all of Puerto Rico. Which means the storm affected as many as three homes.

Hillary Clinton’s new book “What Happened” has already sold 300,000 copies. Mostly to the people who are still walking around since November asking “What happened?”

A reports says damage to orange groves from Hurricane Irma could speed up the inevitable end to orange juice. Although people are much more concerned about that other O.J. coming back to Florida when he gets out of prison.

A study says as men’s weight goes up, the quality of their sperm goes down. Which works out well because most women aren’t going to want a morbidly obese sex partner on top of them in the first place.

A study says as men’s weight goes up, the quality of their sperm goes down. How fat are we getting when even our bodily fluids are hopelessly out of shape?

A psychiatric exam is being sought for “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli. To which everyone familiar with the case is saying “What took so long?”

Seven people in Maryland caught swine flu from a pig at a county fair. The worst part is that was not as much of a health threat than if they actually ate any of the food court pork dishes.

The American Academy of Pediatric Dentists is urging children to get their first dental exam by age one. Mostly so at least the kids in Alabama have a chance to see a real dentist while they still have some teeth left.

“The Breakfast Club” actor Anthony Michael Hall has been given probation on an assault charge. Which means he avoids performing a sequel to the film in the prison mess hall.

“The Breakfast Club” actor Anthony Michael Hall has been given probation on an assault charge. Most fans of the film are wondering why he waited 32 years to finally punch out Judd Nelson.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s foundation has given a reported $20 Million for environmental causes. Although personally he likes global warming because it makes for more of a demand of bikini models available for him to date.

Ariel Winter’s mother says the star’s clothes are a “cry for help.” To which most men are saying they hear the call and are available at any time.

Ariel Winter’s mother says the star’s clothes are a “cry for help.” Although if that’s the case, she should just be glad her daughter isn’t like the Kardashians and actually keeps her clothes on.

Ariel Winter’s mother says the star’s clothes are a “cry for help.” Which means it must have been a complete emotional breakdown that caused Bjork to actually put on that swan dress.

Ariel Winter’s mother says the star’s clothes are a “cry for help.” Which means Lady Gaga was just saying “I’m hungry” when she decided to wear that meat dress.

Atlanta United soccer team scored three goals in seven minutes in a game Wednesday. The game had to be momentarily halted while officials tried to adjust the scoreboard which was built to show a maximum of one.

Richard Sherman ripped the NFL for catering to gamblers with the league’s injury report system. Although league officials say if that was true they would also have put in a jail detention report.

Former Dodger Raul Mondesi has been sentenced to eight years in prison for corruption in the Dominican Republic. Fortunately for him, 10% of that term or 9.6 months will be served by his agent.

Former Dodger Raul Mondesi has been sentenced to eight years in prison for corruption in the Dominican Republic. Not to say it is a crooked country, but being caught for corruption there was like being thrown out stealing by Mike Piazza.

Jay-Z has reportedly turned down an invitation to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show. He suggested they use Rush, Celine Dion or some other Canadians who will feel more at home in Minnesota in the middle of February.

Jay-Z has reportedly turned down an invitation to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show. Mostly because like the NFL players, he has his own concussion concerns in case Solange happens to show up at the game.

New York Jets acting owner Christopher Johnson says the team is “definitely not tanking.” It’s just nice to hear an owner admit his team is really just that bad.

New York Jets acting owner Christopher Johnson says the team is “definitely not tanking.” First of all, just what is an “acting” owner? Is that someone who pretends to have a couple billion dollars and watches the games in one of the private boxes?

Bill Gates apologized to Microsoft users for Control-Alt-Delete to start windows instead of having a separate button. It’s just too bad he doesn’t have access to some computer geniuses who could maybe figure out how to get that done.

Bill Gates apologized to Microsoft users for Control-Alt-Delete to start windows instead of having a separate button. The question is, why wasn’t he giving that speech back in 1995?

A poll says Donald Trump’s supporters don’t mind him working with Democrats. Mostly so they can have someone else to blame when Trump leave the White House after accomplishing absolutely nothing.

Donald Trump awarded the Medal of Honor to a Vietnam commando for valor in Laos. Which Trump presented to the soldier while telling him thanks for being there so wealthy people like Trump and his friends didn’t have to show up.

Donald Trump awarded the Medal of Honor to a Vietnam commando for valor in Laos. To which the White House press corps is asking when they get their medals for making it through Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci and Steve Bannon.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Autumn officially starts tomorrow. The seasons may change, but I don’t. I will still be here for you cranking out the jokes every day. My reward is not financial, which is good since I don’t make a dime for putting out all this stuff. But it does kill some time and there is never a feeling like when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A 7.1 magnitude earthquake hit Mexico City, the country’s second major quake in two weeks. To which the people are now adjusting their prayers for the next one to be farther north in a couple of years to take down Donald Trump’s wall.

Israel has intercepted an Iranian drone on the Syrian border. No word on what the troops there did with the Domino’s pizza it was delivering.

A survey says more than half of all California voters have considered moving out of state because of the high cost of housing. Those are mostly the people who insist on buying a new car ever couple of years to live in.

A survey says more than half of all California voters have considered moving out of state because of the high housing costs. The others have considered moving because they aren’t Democrats and have no chance of ever winning an election there.

Suicide prevention fences have been put up along the George Washington Bridge. Apparently it’s the only way to keep people from jumping after being stuck in traffic for hours after another Chris Christie bridge closing.

California schools are considering getting rid of the letter grade system. Mostly because even the high school students there still don’t know the alphabet.

Students at San Diego State University will get extra credit if they take a quiz to determine their level of white privilege. Although anyone who really has white privilege would already have enrolled instead at USC.

Two songwriters are suing Taylor Swift for plagiarism for her song “Shake It Off.” Their only worry is that if they win they will be seen by the industry as being at the same level as Taylor Swift.

A study estimates there are 40 Million people enslaved worldwide. No one had any idea there were that many people employed by Wal-Mart, 7-Eleven and Amazon.

A study says sex and sleep are the keys to happiness. Which for most men works out to three minutes of one, followed by eight hours of the other.

A report says deadly bomb ingredients are being sold together on Amazon. Which apparently is all part of the new Amazon push for more international customers with their “terrorist one stop shopping” campaign.

Scientists say humans are biologically programmed to take an afternoon nap. Which is why TV programmers for years have known to fill those time slots with soap operas and fake judge shows.

Scientists say humans are biologically programmed to take an afternoon nap. Mostly because that’s all there is left to do after people have spent their mornings at work posting on Facebook and Twitter and watching Internet porn.

The Navy has made a number of changes following a series of deadly ship crashes. For one thing, they are now requiring all aircraft carriers to be installed with side mirrors.

The Navy has made a number of changes following a series of deadly ship crashes. Mostly because they want future battles to be waged with artillery and not like a maritime version of demolition derby.

Donald Trump singled out Iran and North Korea as “rogue nations.” To which the U.N. members are saying “Back at ya!”

An 86 year old jewel thief has been released from prison after last being caught shoplifting at Wal-Mart. That’s about as competent as someone trying to become a professional hacker while using AOL.

An 86 year old jewel thief has been released from prison after last being caught shoplifting at Wal-Mart. Apparently her lawyers argued that anything being sold at Wal-Mart doesn’t actually count as being real jewelry.

A Swiss toilet was found clogged with $120,000 in cash. Which is what happens when you become one of the first countries to decide to go cash free.

 A Swiss toilet was found clogged with $120,000 in cash. It was apparently left there to cover the cost of calling in a plumber to fix it at Sunday holiday triple time rates.

A study says opioids are shortening the average U.S. lifespan by two and a half months. Which means for those people the last ten weeks of their life are at least pretty much pain free.

The Netherlands economy is reportedly growing at a fast pace despite the country technically being without a government. To which many people in the U.S. are saying that’s no big deal, we’ve been doing it since January.

Delta is ending flights between Guam and Japan because of low demand. Apparently no one wants to be in either of those places until they see which one is going to be nuked first by North Korea.

Nike Tanjuns, which sell for $65 a pair are the most popular shoe in the U.S. Mostly because it’s the one way people can be seen wearing a Swoosh without having to take a second mortgage on the house.

A study says blacks and Latinos in the U.S. will be broke in another few decades. Which is good news as that means they will finally have achieved economic equality with all the whites.

Twitter is cracking down on accounts promoting terrorism. Which means they are leaving Donald Trump’s account alone because all he is promoting is World War III.

Fiat Chrysler is recalling nearly 500,000 trucks because of a risk of fire. People were surprised. There are a half million people who bought trucks from Fiat Chrysler?

A study says the cost of employer health insurance for a family is up to $19,000 a year. To which most workers are saying they would rather have the cash and be willing to take their chances.

Colleges and companies are uniting to train people for the next wave of “new collar” jobs. Those are jobs that are neither blue collar nor white collar but instead just come with a leash attached.

Doctors are warning that popular Nerf guns can cause serious eye injuries. To which most kids at that point are saying they might as well just start shooting at people with a real BB gun.

Doctors are warning that popular Nerf guns can cause serious eye injuries. Which has already resulted in demonstrations at doctors’ offices by people who are saying it is just another attack on their Second Amendment rights.

A survey says 9 out of 10 doctors are unprepared to write prescriptions for marijuana. The ones who are have ordered special prescription pads made out of Zig-Zag papers.

A study says girls who play soccer try to tough it out after a concussion more than boys. Mostly because it’s harder to diagnose brain injuries in boys because they act the same as they did before the concussion.

A report says schools are using Virtual Reality to take students on trips to outer space and swimming with the sharks. Next, they will try the impossible and show them what it is like to graduate college without being $100,000 in debt.

A study says teenagers are maturing more slowly than in previous generations. In fact, most of them aren’t getting pregnant until they are at least 17.

A study says teenagers are maturing more slowly than in previous generations, being less likely to date, have a part time job or drive. Mostly because they can’t get the job so there isn’t enough money to date or pay for gas.

A study says emotional benefits from exercise are greater for older Americans. That’s because younger Americans hear that and say “What’s exercise?”

A study says emotional benefits from exercise are greater for older Americans. Mostly just from the relief they can go somewhere without having to depend on their Rascal Scooter to get there.

Kathy Griffin’s neighbor went on an expletive-filled tirade against her after she filed a noise complaint. He says it was because he momentarily just lost his head.

Billy Bush and his wife have split after 20 years of marriage. Apparently she just now listened to his “Access Hollywood” interview with Donald Trump.

Anthony Scaramucci claims Tom Brady skipped a White House visit because his wife is jealous he used to date Ivanka Trump. Which is good for Scaramucci that he at least learned something in his ten days in the West Wing.

Avril Levigne has been named by McAfee as the most dangerous celebrity search because of the danger of being steered to malicious websites. Which is good for people living in 2003 who still are familiar with “McAfee” and “Avril Levigne.”

Lena Dunham says she gets pleasure over appearing on “worst dressed” lists. People were surprised by the news. Lena Dunham wears clothes?

The North American Soccer League has filed an antitrust lawsuit against the U.S. Soccer Federation. Apparently they feel the USSF is trying to monopolize boredom.

The Celtics Jaylen Brown says he is excited to discuss flat-Earth theories with teammate Kyrie Irving. That’s an interesting conversation for people who play on a team that won 16 NBA Championships on a parquet floor that wasn’t even level.

Michael Phelps says he has “no desire” to come back to the sport of swimming. Mostly because even he couldn’t make it across an Olympic size pool wearing all 28 of his medals without drowning.

A study says playing tackle football before age 12 could lead to brain issues. Especially for anyone who continues to play after age 13.

Major League Baseball set a single season record for home runs with 5,694 and still counting. Home runs have been on the increase ever since the high-five was replaced by the hy-podermic.

Major League Baseball set a single season record for home runs with 5,694 and still counting. The league celebrated by giving all the players juice. Boxes.

England’s second biggest police force in Manchester admits they have computers still running on Windows XP. Mostly because the operating system syncs up with older technology they are using to pursue their investigation of Jack the Ripper.

Activists want a large ocean garbage patch to be named as a new country. Others are saying it’s unnecessary to make a statement about trashy land masses because we already have New Jersey.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s coming up on 10:00 AM where I live…are we at war with anyone yet? Good. Somebody just make sure to send me an e-mail when we are. Until then, I will just keep on cranking out the jokes. Some days are better than others, and today seemed particularly good. The jokes came much easier. On top of that, very few even featured Donald Trump. How rare is that? It’s always nice to get the day started off right. And nothing gets me feeling better than when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!