Friday, August 17, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says a record number of people have at least $1 Million in their 401(k) accounts. Which after the fees and expenses are taken out leaves most of them about $10,000 to retire with.


An Ohio congressman says Mike Pence is the greatest Vice President since John Adams. Mostly because that was only one of three Vice Presidents he could actually name.


An Ohio congressman says Mike Pence is the greatest Vice President since John Adams. Which is about as significant as being called one of the great PGA Tour caddies.


An Ohio congressman says Mike Pence is the greatest Vice President since John Adams. Which was nice because Vice Presidents do a lot of behind the scenes work without ever getting any credit, kind of like a fluffer in a porn movie.


Twitter is demanding “healthier behavior” from users. To which most people are saying if they really enforce that, it was a nice site while it lasted.


Twitter is demanding “healthier behavior” from users. Although they weren’t specific about who they were talking about, the spokesperson making the announcement kept saying (cough) Donald Trump…(cough) Donald Trump…


Infowars’ Alex Jones says the media is telling lies about him. It’s almost like he is suspicious that there could be some kind of conspiracy out there.


The Malaysian Parliament has thrown out laws against “fake news.” Mostly because they will take being a part of fake news stories just because they could use the publicity.


Turks are smashing their iPhones in public as a protest against Donald Trump’s economic sanctions. Although the economy in Turkey can’t be all that bad if the people are having to go out and plunk down $1,000 to buy another iPhone X.


A survey says half of all Americans don’t want a self-driving car. Apparently they like the sensation of being at the controls when they drive their car into a tree while texting.


A survey says half of all Americans don’t want a self-driving car. Mostly because they dread the idea that every road trip will mean spending the entire time talking to and engaging with the rest of the family.


A majority of Americans says that stress is keeping them up at night. Mostly from the fear their wife will see who is sending them all those late night texts.


A majority of Americans says that stress is keeping them up at night. That in turn makes it difficult at work to give all their attention to eight hours of playing video games, going on social media and watching Internet porn.


A report says artificial gills could become a reality for people. Just how high are those scientists expecting the sea level to be rising the next few years?


A report says drought could drop Lake Mead below a critical threshold. Meaning the level where the mob can’t throw bodies where they submerge completely out of sight below the surface.


A report says hackers stole $13 Million from cash machines in a global heist. The joke was on them, however when they had to pay back $15 Million to the banks in transaction fees.


Filmmaker Tony Kaye has cast a robot in the lead of his next feature. Which resulted in the comment “So what’s the big deal?” from Robbie, Johnny 5 and R2D2.


Filmmaker Tony Kaye has cast a robot in the lead of his next feature. Which was good news for fans who thought it was nice to see Keanu Reeves still getting work.


A report says CEOs now make 312 times the average workers’ wages. Which isn’t hard to figure out how much that is, just multiply 312 times whatever the current minimum wage is.


Wal-Mart reported their fastest sales growth in a decade. Which is great news for the vendors who manufacture their guns, overalls and insulin.


A 19 year old Kentucky woman faked her own kidnapping by sending ransom notes by text to her father. Although authorities became suspicious when all the messages kept ending with a smiley face emoji.


Kuwait’s Olympic suspension has been lifted after three years. Which will have approximately the same effect on the medal count as the Olympic suspensions of North Korea, Afghanistan and Rhodesia.


A video showed a “fire tornado” spawned from the Carr Fire in California. When you are seeing fire tornadoes in the news it is probably a sign that it is a good time to leave before the next plague of locusts, boils and water turning to blood.


A video showed a “fire tornado” spawned from the Carr Fire in California. Which is a little confusing as most Californians hearing about a “Carr Fire” think that is just what happens when they take their Tesla out for a spin.


A video showed a “fire tornado” spawned from the Carr Fire in California. Which shortly after was followed by the announcement of Tara Reid signing on to star in “SharkFireNado.”


Brussels, Belgium rolled out a carpet made of flowers in front of their Grand-Place. During the seedling stage, the carpet is said to be Brussels sprouting.


Melania Trump will address a cyberbullying summit in Maryland. Which could pretty much just be based entirely on her husband’s Twitter account.


Donald Trump is accusing newspapers’ planned editorials against him as being “collusion” for a free press. Apparently he is furious that a group would have the nerve to actually conspire to protest for their constitutional rights.


An Ohio man survived on Washington State’s Mt. St. Helens for six days eating bees and huckleberries. The diet kept him going with its source of vitamins A, D and Bee.


An Ohio man survived on Washington State’s Mt. St. Helens for six days eating bees and huckleberries. The real question is how did he get that lost to end up on Mt. St. Helens from Ohio?


Queen Elizabeth II’s personal physician was killed in a bike accident on Britain’s National Cycle to Work Day. Well, that isn’t going to do a lot to push the idea of making that an annual event.


Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke is blaming environmental radicals for the severity of California’s wildfires. If the administration had its way and chopped all the trees down, there would be nothing left to burn.


Elon Musk is proposing a tunnel to be built into Dodger Stadium. It would only be open when there would be any actual use, on game days starting in the third inning and closing after the sixth.


Elon Musk is proposing a tunnel to be built into Dodger Stadium. He also proposed a similar tunnel to be built underneath the Kansas City Royals’ Kauffman Stadium, but found it would be unnecessary as the team is already in the cellar.


A report says the estimated cost of Donald Trump’s military parade has jumped to $92 Million. Which seems like a waste as for that much money, Trump could just about pay for the invasion of a small country.


A report says the estimated cost of Donald Trump’s military parade has jumped to $92 Million, mostly for security. The question being isn’t having the entire military on hand for a parade pretty much the very definition of security?


Chipotle says it will retrain all workers following hundreds of people became ill at an Ohio restaurant. The sad part is they will be retrained to be paramedics, EMTs and epidemiologists.


Consumer Reports says “worrisome” levels of lead and arsenic have been found in baby food products. “Worrisome” in this case being pretty much anything above zero.


The CDC says one in four Americans has a disability, mostly with mobility. The sad part is that many of them have become disabled after being run over by someone else racing around the Wal-Mart in their Rascal scooter.


The CDC says one in four Americans has a disability, mostly with mobility. The other three are working on it while they are sitting there eating their latest meal at McDonald’s.


New York University has announced it will cover the tuition for all current and future medical students. To which this year’s graduating class after realizing they will be stuck paying off their student loans the next 30 years said “Nice.”


The life expectancy in the U.S. is the lowest of the high income, developed countries. Mostly because people now celebrate dying before the age of 93 by calling it early retirement.


A New Jersey man who contracted flesh eating bacteria while crabbing had his hands and forearms amputated. Which doctors are calling it the worse case of crabs they have ever seen.


Pete Davidson of “Saturday Night Live” says he knew he wanted to marry Ariana Grande the day they met. Which is pretty much the same dream every other D level celebrity wannabe has ever had about being with a world famous superstar.


Pete Davidson of “Saturday Night Live” says he knew he wanted to marry Ariana Grande the day they met. Just like every 12 year old boy had the same feeling every time they went on YouTube to check out a Selena Gomez video.


Ringo Starr celebrated the 56th anniversary of joining the Beatles. It can be said there was never a drummer who had better timing.


Tiger Woods’ caddie Joe LaCava reportedly paid a heckler $25 to leave a tournament. Which is different from Woods’ previous caddie Stevie Williams who would have just thrown the guy into the nearest water hazard.


Tiger Woods’ caddie Joe LaCava reportedly paid a heckler $25 to leave a tournament. The sad part is that was LaCava’s entire day's pay.


Tiger Woods’ caddie Joe LaCava reportedly paid a heckler $25 to leave a tournament. Which is nothing compared to Tiger paying Elin Nordegren $100 Million to leave his house.


Mets pitcher Jacob deGrom is in the running for the Cy Young Award with a 7-7 record. Mostly because with any other team that would be the equivalent of being 30-2.


A federal court has reinstated a clean water rule delayed by the Trump Administration. Mostly because making the water cleaner will force them to finally drain some of that swamp water surrounding the White House.


Former Education Secretary Arne Duncan says the U.S. education system is “Top 10 in nothing.” Which isn’t true. Kids going to college need to have incredible math skills to figure out how long they will be paying off all their tuition bills.


A poll says the government is back on top as the nation’s leading problem. Which is done on purpose by the government to take the emphasis away of how they are completely ignoring the environment, the economy, jobs, healthcare, terrorism…


Kroger has announced they will start driverless delivery service in Phoenix. Mostly so they can have workers around the store instead to explain to customers why they don’t have any of the items they want to buy on their shelves.


An Egyptian mummy has revealed the formula they used for embalming. Which turns out to be the same recipe of the protein shake Larry King drinks every morning for breakfast.


India’s Prime Minister says the country will send their first manned flight into space in 2022. Which has already gotten thousands of people to volunteer for the mission, if for no other reason to go to someplace where they actually have some elbow room.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog. Now to make it even easier on you, try my daily podcast at http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/. Or you can look it up on iTunes. It has all the same jokes, just read by yours truly. Go ahead and subscribe and also put it on social media and share it with your friends. They will love you for it, especially knowing they can listen in and turn it off any time they want. It’s a gift. Hope you all have a great weekend, and that as usual you also remember to always keep on sending the love!

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Sarah Sanders apologized for false claims she made about job creations for blacks. People had no idea. Not about the jobs, but that Sarah Sanders was capable of apologizing.

A study says men’s sexual desirability peaks at 50, while women’s peaks at 18. Which really works out 20 years later when the woman is still strong enough at 38 to push the man around in his wheelchair.

A study says men’s sexual desirability peaks at 50, while women’s peaks at 18. What’s worse is that it would be even younger for women but 18 is the lowest men can go without risking some time in jail.

A study says men’s sexual desirability peaks at 50, while women’s peaks at 18. Which is great when a couple like that can prepare for sex together, with her taking a Flintstone vitamin and him taking a Viagra.

Brazilian police have dropped the requirement of “masculinity.” Which means all members of the force, no matter what their sex can go ahead with that Brazilian wax job.

A report says selling fake social media popularity is becoming big business. Which is now apparently becoming the digital age version of buying votes to run for office in Illinois.

An expert says sex robots could actually improve marriages. If for nothing else by giving women an extra three minutes of free time they can have by getting out of sex.

A U.S. alligator in a Belgrade zoo is reportedly still going strong in its 80s. It’s getting by with donations of food and medical care which the zoo classifies as gator aid.

A cryptocurrency crash is prompting concern about suicide. The thought of investors killing themselves really puts the “crypt” into cryptocurrency.

A cryptocurrency crash is prompting concern about suicide. The worst part is that desperate investors are finding the only use for Bitcoin is flipping for "heads" for a rope or "tails" for a gun.

California is paying inmates $1 an hour to fight fires. The only good news is that it turns out that fighting fires is the one job in the entire state that always guarantees steady work.

California is paying inmates $1 an hour to fight fires. Which means it turns out the Democrats were right when they said climate change would actually end up creating jobs.

California is paying inmates $1 an hour to fight fires. The real irony is when they have to use inmates to put out the fires who are in jail because they were convicted of arson.

A report says sperm from American men is among the most dominant on the world market. Which shows that men can still make money if they can show they are able to work with their hands.

A report says sperm from American men is among the most dominant on the world market. Apparently the rest of the world is looking for the chance to have children who turn out overweight, arrogant and greedy.

The number of marine heat waves, where ocean waters get too warm have doubled since 1982. You know it’s really getting bad when all the fish and marine animals start coming ashore and lying out on the sand to try to cool off.

Chinese Internet giant Tencent is reportedly struggling. The word is that Tencent is almost down to its last dime.

Chinese Internet giant Tencent is reportedly struggling. It turns out they are only one fifth as successful as their American counterpart Fifty Cent.

Tao Las Vegas was named as the top grossing restaurant in the U.S. Although Taco Bell still holds the title as the top grossest restaurant.

A report says one in eight divorces are caused by student loan debt. The other seven are caused by marrying someone who is poor because they have no education.

A report says one in eight divorces are caused by student loan debt. The worst part is when the stress of paying off college loans ends the marriages of couples who are in their 80s.

A report says U.S. worker productivity has improved at its best pace in three years. Pretty much ever since management discovered it isn’t illegal to have a whip hanging over their desk.

A survey says 36% of Americans are satisfied with the way things are going. The other 64% are still trying to figure out exactly where we are headed.

A survey says 36% of Americans are satisfied with the way things are going. Those are the ones old enough to remember what things were like back in 2008.

McDonald’s says it will spend $6 Billion upgrading its U.S. stores. The only problem is the money is needed to make bigger doors, roomier booths and larger food trays.

A British woman was discovered to have a contact lens embedded in her eyelid for the past 28 years. At that point the British would pretty much just consider that a monocle.

A British woman was discovered to have a contact lens embedded in her eyelid for the past 28 years. That’s like a nerd finding out that the discomfort in their backside was a wedgie left over from grade school.

A study says fluoride is crucial to preventing cavities. The problem is the only way to get people to use it is to make it taste better by adding sugar.

Wednesday was National Relaxation Day. The sad part is all the people who missed it and are uptight the rest of the week.

Former child star Todd Bridges is being accused of threatening his ex with a crossbow and taser. Those aren’t exactly conventional weapons, but you know what they say about “Diff’rent Strokes.”

Johnny Manziel has entered CFL concussion protocol and will sit out the next game. Although playing like he had a concussion pretty much describes his time in college and with the Browns.

Eagles quarterback Nick Foles says he is not bothered by Tom Brady’s Super Bowl handshake snub. Although at the time he admits he felt a bit deflated.

White Sox outfielder Ryan LaMarre hit his first Major League home run which the ball was actually caught by his uncle in the outfield bleachers. The question being why couldn’t LaMarre get his family some better seats?

A report says Miami Marlins coaches and players are required to learn Spanish. The bad part is the only phrase they are learning is “Ay! Otra perdida!” (“Another loss” for you English-only speakers)

A report says Miami Marlins coaches and players are required to learn Spanish. Which may not be good as now they can actually understand what the crowd is yelling out at them.

Lexi Thompson explained her extended break from golf. Which is tough to communicate to most people who when they need a break go out and play a round of golf.

Donald Trump has revoked the security clearance of former CIA Director John Brennan. Mostly because he never even gave security clearance to Omarosa and look how many secrets she is spilling about him.

Donald Trump has revoked the security clearance of former CIA Director John Brennan because of “erratic behavior.” To which people are asking does Trump mean the erratic behavior of Brennan or himself?

Donald Trump has revoked the security clearance of former CIA Director John Brennan because of “erratic behavior.” If that’s the case, then there should be about three people left in the entire White House who still qualify for the clearance.

The DHS is proposing a $1.8 Million grant for “trauma training” for students. And that is just to help the ones cope when they find out how long they will be paying off their tuition loans.

Sarah Sanders says the White House will try to “diversify the staff.” Which if they keep firing people like they are doing, it will work by eventually giving everyone else a chance.

Ex-Trump aide Corey Lewandowski says Donald Trump is a “regular guy” who drives his own Rolls Royce. Not only that, but like most other regular guys sets the time of his own Rolex, sits in the back on his private jet and even replaces his own divots at his private country club.

Ex-Trump aide Corey Lewandowski says Donald Trump is a “regular guy” who drives his own Rolls Royce. He also personally hands over his jar of Grey Poupon to the person riding in the Rolls Royce next to him.

Ex-Trump aide Corey Lewandowski says Donald Trump is a “regular guy” who drives his own Rolls Royce. Although most people won’t accept him as a real regular guy until he actually personally is the one flipping off the drivers who cut him off.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey says a suspension could change the behavior of Infowars’ Alex Jones. Which is highly doubtful for anyone whose behavior is bad enough to warrant being kicked off Twitter in the first place.

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey says a suspension could change the behavior of Infowars’ Alex Jones. Which was shot down when Jones started broadcasting that Dorsey is a CIA operative who is working to shut him down so Donald Trump will be the only one left tweeting.

Microsoft and Amazon have combined their digital assistants Alexa and Cortana. The worst part is not only do they now have to share office space with each other, but that old washed up Clippy from Microsoft keeps coming around and hitting on them all the time.

A study says that future generations are more likely to be influenced by robots. If nothing else, they will be the ones who know all the coolest dance moves.

St. Louis University will put Amazon Echo Dots in every residence hall. Which means the most common request from students is “What’s the answer to #23 on the Chemistry midterm test?

A study says online daters are more likely to get a response if they are persistent, even when the person is out of their league. Unfortunately, the response in that case is usually a restraining order.

A study says online daters are more likely to get a response if they are persistent, even when the person is out of their league. In other words, the way to win over the person of your dreams is to pretty much become a stalker.

A study says rising sea levels could increase the risk of tsunamis around the world. Which would be a secondary concern to the people who are already living under six feet of water.

A study says a weed killer linked to cancer has been found in some children’s breakfast foods. Which is still healthier than the ingredients in the boxes which are mostly fat, salt and sugar.

A study says a weed killer linked to cancer has been found in some children’s breakfast foods. The good news is that mom and dad won’t have to prepare their kids’ breakfast every morning by getting out the weed whacker.

A study says smokers are better off quitting even if giving up cigarettes causes them to gain weight. Which is the opposite problem of people who quit smoking pot and find out they actually start losing weight from getting off the couch and not eating pizza at 3:00 every morning.

A study says “Harry Potter” readers make better romantic partners. The question being why are they doing studies that are aimed at pedophiles looking for 13 year old lovers?

The University of Louisville has received $5 Million for a study on the connection between tree conservation and human health. The only problem being the complete deforestation it will take to print out the 5,000 copies that will be made of the study.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog. If you want to make it even easier on yourself, head on over to the daily podcast “News Jokes By Jim” by yours, truly where I just read all the jokes for you. How much easier can it get? It can’t. That’s the answer to a pretty much rhetorical question. Just go to http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/ and it’s all right there. You can also find it on iTunes. Tell your friends, put it on social media and ask everyone to share it. While you’re at it, go ahead and subscribe and the latest edition will come right to you. It’s a lot better than staying up until 11:30 at night to have some late night comedian read you a handful of jokes. You can get this anytime, anywhere. And, of course when you are done I hope you still remember to always keep on sending the love!

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A dating website that accepts members based on their looks gives rejects plastic surgery advice. Their next best advice is to try their luck at FarmersOnly.com.


Two school cafeteria workers in Connecticut are being charged in a half million dollar scam. No one had any idea it was that lucrative to grab kids in line and say “Give me your lunch money!”


Two school cafeteria workers in Connecticut are being charged in a half million dollar scam. What are they serving for lunch in Connecticut schools, lobster tails, Champagne and caviar?


Eco-friendly open air urinals are causing an uproar in Paris. What are they trying to do, turn the place into a New York City subway station?


Eco-friendly open air urinals are causing an uproar in Paris. Although it turns out that having outside urinals in Paris makes most people say it still pretty much smells the same.


A report says conspiracy theories are more rampant than ever. That is if you can believe everything that you read.


Kroger is partnering with Alibaba to sell groceries in China. In order to get service with Kroger online, customers have to log in with the password “Open sesame.”


Scientists say sleep deprivation fuels loneliness. Which doesn’t make sense because people who are lonely don’t have any distractions getting in the way of their sleep time.


Scientists say sleep deprivation fuels loneliness. Unless the reason behind not getting enough rest is sleeping with too many other people.


Scientists say sleep deprivation fuels loneliness. Especially when your wife leaves you after catching you sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 AM.


Vienna has topped Melbourne on a list of the most livable cities in the world. Which means the best country to live in is one that starts with “A-u-s-t-r...”


Movie houses are fighting back against Netflix by showing films with theater screens covering three walls. Apparently they are doing it in advance of any films made starring Kim Kardashian where they can now get her entire backside in the same shot.


Turkey is calling for a boycott of U.S. electronics as retaliation against sanctions. To which most people are asking what electronics are still actually made in the U.S.?


Turkey is calling for a boycott of U.S. electronics as retaliation against sanctions. The sad part is the government got the word out to everyone by texting them on their iPhones.


A report says the ultra-rich get peace of mind in protecting their valuables with a $263,000 safe by Buben & Zorweg. Most people wish they could afford one. Not because they need a safe, they would just like to have $263,000.


Nebraska carried out its first execution using lethal injection. Which is ironic it didn’t happen sooner in a red state where people are anti-vaccine because they think it’s unhealthy.


Michigan officials will appeal a judge’s ban on straight party voting, which Republicans say could inspire voters to do their homework. Can anyone honestly look at who we have in office in this country and say anyone has done their homework before voting?


Michigan officials will appeal a judge’s ban on straight party voting, which Republicans say could inspire voters to do their homework. As opposed to voters now making their decisions based on TV commercials and people shouting at them on talk radio.


Divers have found a 300 year old canon off the coast of Florida. Although they are afraid to move it as it could have been booby-trapped to go off by some 18th Century pirate in anticipation of the “stand your ground” law.


The first Ford Mustang ever bought was kept by its original owner and could now be worth $350,000. Mostly just because it is one of the few cars left on the road that was actually made in the U.S.


The founders of dating app Tinder are suing owner IAC for at least $2 Billion, saying the company robbed them of stock options. Which in legal terms means the plaintiffs are swiping left.


Sprint says it will bring the first 5G phones to the U.S. next year. Which will give the buyers plenty of time to get used to it for when Sprint actually offers 5G service in 2042.


L.A. will become the first city in the nation to install body scanners on subways. Which will be just a minor inconvenience for the three people in L.A. who actually ride the subways.


Household borrowing in the U.S. has reached a record $13.3 Trillion. Which is scary to see that the entire population is now nearly as much in debt as the government.


A Virtual Reality program can help researchers find out what it is like to have Alzheimer’s Disease. Apparently it puts them inside a house where the car keys are never where they left them before.


A Virtual Reality program can help researchers find out what it is like to have Alzheimer’s Disease. Which pretty much puts them in a city they have never been before and tells them “OK, now go find your way home.”


A study shows that rich people are more likely to cheat, lie and steal. How else does anyone think they got rich in the first place?


A study shows that rich people are more likely to cheat, lie and steal. Mostly because they are the boss and can fire you for bringing it up.


A study shows that rich people are more likely to cheat, lie and steal. Mostly because they are rich and can hire the best lawyers who cheat, lie and steal to keep them out of jail.


A teacher in Georgia donated a kidney to one of her 12 year old students. How bad was that kid that his teacher would donate an organ to get them to be able to move up to the next grade?


A Johns Hopkins panel has created new guidelines for opioid prescribing. Which the way things are going should be pretty much around zero.


A study says positive thinking is good for the brain’s health but that it is important to proceed with caution. Which is kind of like how we keep looking forward to the next election for some change but never really get our hopes up.


A study is linking three eye diseases with Alzheimer’s. All three pretty much based on patients not being able to see because they forget where they put their eyeglasses.


A study says blue light from cellphone screens can impair vision. Just like pretty much any light that you are staring at for 16 hours a day.


A study says blue light from cellphone screens can impair vision. But then, who even needs their eyes when their cellphone’s GPS navigation app directs them to where they need to go?


46 year old Dane Cook addressed the 27 year age difference with his 19 year old girlfriend. Apparently the age difference was one important reason for the attraction, as she is too young to know what a douchebag he is.


46 year old Dane Cook addressed the 27 year age difference with his 19 year old girlfriend. Mostly being that she is about as young as he could go while staying out of jail.


46 year old Dane Cook addressed the 27 year age difference with his 19 year old girlfriend. Apparently all it took was him fudging his profile a bit on the teen dating site MyLOL.


Princess Madeleine of Sweden and her family are moving to Florida. Where else would a princess move to feel welcome other than near Disney World?


“Real Housewives” star Luann de Lesseps says she recalls drinking three martinis, two bottles of wine and a six pack of beer in one night. Which is pretty much how everyone else gets through watching an episode of “Real Housewives.”


Donald Trump says the producer of “The Apprentice” has assured him there is no tape where Trump is saying racial slurs. The question being why did Donald Trump have to be assured by someone else he wasn’t using racial slurs?


Tom Brady talked about his relationship with Bill Belichick, saying “We get along so well.” Apparently they have a lot in common, like continually coming up with new ways to cheat.


Bud Light has installed “victory fridges” in Cleveland to give away beer to celebrate the Browns’ first win. Which hopefully means the appliances were built to last well into the 21st century.


Nick Faldo says Tiger Woods was heard at the 2017 Masters dinner saying “I’m done.” Although now it appears that what he was talking about was skipping the dessert.


Omarosa says she will “not be silenced” by Donald Trump. Although on that one most people appear to be with the President.


A judge in Seattle has dismissed a lawsuit by young activists who say the State of Washington has failed to protect them from climate change. The judge decided that if climate change means getting a half hour of sunshine a day in Seattle, he won’t be the one to rule against it.


A poll says half of all Republicans feel the media is the “enemy of the people.” The other half are satisfied with what they are seeing because the only thing they ever watch is Fox News.


The Trump campaign has hired Hulk Hogan’s lawyer for legal action against Omarosa. The strategy is to call for a best two out of three falls tag team event ending with a folding chair right across the back.


The Trump campaign has filed an arbitration case against Omarosa for a breach of confidentiality. To which Omarosa is upset that she wasn’t just offered $130,000 in hush money like everyone else.


Amazon’s “one day delivery” ads have been banned as “misleading.” To which Amazon says there is nothing misleading about it, that their deliveries are all guaranteed to get there one day.


A debate is taking place across the country on whether to ban cellphones from schools. The biggest complaint coming from bullies who will have to learn to intimidate and terrorize all the nerds in person all over again.


A forecast says a four year global warming spell will continue through 2022. And that’s just from the friction being already generated ahead of the election of 2020.


A rare 1913 Liberty Head nickel is expected to be auctioned off for $3 to 5 Million. Although that doesn’t include the auction house fee along with deducting the coin’s 5 cent intrinsic value.


The U.N. is estimating 2.3 Million people have fled from Venezuela. No one had any idea there were that many potential major leaguers there.


The U.N. is estimating 2.3 Million people have fled from Venezuela. To which people are asking of the 30 Million people still there, what’s taking you so long?


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Once again, I want to finish up by inviting all of you to check out my podcast, News Jokes By Jim which you can find on iTunes or look it up right here at http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/. It is the audio version of this site which makes it so much easier than actually having to read. Who does that any more? Let me do it for you. Not only do you get all these jokes but also my wise-guy comments about them as well. Tell all your friends about it, post it on social media and get everyone to start sharing it. Then when you are done with that, feel free to also remember to always keep on sending the love!