Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that 4 in 10 U.S. kids are exposed to violence. The other 6 are still waiting for their parents to get enough money to buy them a PlayStation 4.

A study says that 4 in 10 U.S. kids are exposed to violence. As opposed to back in the 1950s and ‘60s when every child was able to watch TV and get a daily dose of The Three Stooges.

A wedding was held in Japan that featured two robots. In the U.S., Republicans said the occasion was permissible because the robots had not declared themselves to be gay.

A study says that meditation can trigger anxiety and depression, especially at intensive meditation retreats. Mostly when the people realize they are paying a lot of money to be able to sit and just think for ten straight hours.

A study says that meditation can trigger anxiety and depression, especially at intensive meditation retreats. For one thing, you are probably asking for trouble if you sign up for an activity that combines the words “intensive” and “meditation.”

The Army is killing a program that sends social scientists onto the battlefield to help troops avoid unnecessary bloodshed. Although an easier way would be to put the social scientists into Congress and the White House to try to figure out why we are starting all these wars in the first place.

The Supreme Court has given North Carolina’s plans for a “Choose Life” license plate new hope. The only problem is that the plates might be mistaken instead of being anti-abortion as made for people who still remember the group “Wham!”

The Governor of Puerto Rico says the commonwealth can’t repay its $72 Billion in debts. The only question is who even thought it was a good idea to loan the island $72 Billion in the first place?

The Governor of Puerto Rico says the commonwealth can’t repay its $72 Billion in debts. Which is ironic in that for a commonwealth they sure don’t seem to have much common wealth.

A study says that one third of investors are wary of financial abuse of elderly relatives. Mostly because they are worried some Nigerian prince will scam the money out of their parents after they have been so patient and getting their money the traditional way by waiting for them to die sooner.

Stock markets around the world are closing early today so that they won’t be affected by the leap second that is being added because of the Earth’s rotation. And people thought that members of the UAW and Teamsters had tough unions that wouldn’t stand for working any extra time without pay.

A report says that incomes rose for the bottom 99% of American families at the highest rate in 15 years but income inequality still grew. At least the bottom 99% has achieved income equality with each of them still being as poor as everyone else.

Greeks are limiting bank customers to just $66 in ATM withdrawals a day to prevent a run on the banks. Americans were shocked. There are countries where people have $66 in their bank accounts?

A report says that U.S. job openings have hit an all time high. They won’t be filled, it’s just that management knows their other employees are too afraid to not do the work of those who have been laid off or they are next.

Wal-Mart is apologizing for making an ISIS cake after refusing to make one featuring the Confederate flag. ISIS birthday parties are the ones where they bring two knives, one for the cake and the other to cut off the heads of any infidels who were invited.

Wal-Mart is apologizing for making an ISIS cake after refusing to make one featuring the Confederate flag. ISIS cakes are easier to make since they can be made smaller as they never have to have room for more than about 20 candles.

AOL’s digital prophet says that Millennials are only interested in video and content and not ads. Although AOL having someone called a “digital prophet” sounds about as much of a waste of office space as someone at Chrysler being named chief of quality control.

Pending home sales in the U.S. are at the highest they have been in nine years. The only problem is that they are pending the buyers being able to get their credit score up after their last foreclosure.

Google will add alerts to their navigation system to warn drivers about upcoming railroad crossings. Which is ironic for people who can get a text alert about the train they are about to hit they had no idea was there because they were too busy texting.

A poll says U.S. investors prefer a mixture of financial advice from digital and human sources. Meaning they get investment ideas from the Internet and then do exactly the opposite of whatever Jim Cramer says.

A poll says U.S. investors prefer a mixture of financial advice from digital and human sources.  Which for most people means using the free Wi-Fi at the public library to get investment ideas and following up with the people working the ladle at the soup kitchen.

A report says that 95% of the restaurants in New York City are getting “A” grades on cleanliness. Apparently things have been improving ever since all the eateries started making Saturday bath day for all their basement rats.

A report says that 95% of the restaurants in New York City are getting “A” grades on cleanliness. Meaning after just a few meals there most customers’ wallets and credit accounts are completely cleaned out.

A study says that men become defensive when their masculinity is questioned. Apparently the study was done by having researchers watch a showing of the movie “Roadhouse.”

A study says that junk food is tied to depression. But not as much as the bathroom scale the person stands on after eating fast food every day for the past six months.

Health experts are warning that a new “belly button challenge” can promote an unhealthy body image. The challenge says people are fit if they can reach behind their back and touch their belly button. Which means people who can’t do it need to either lose weight or figure they were just born with short arms.

A study says that flavored cigarettes are still popular online despite a ban in the U.S. Topping the list are cigarettes that come in menthol cancer, vanilla emphysema and cardiac clove.

A report says that parents should set a good example for their children to prevent obesity. Which means kids not be allowed to play video games during dinner but walk over and sit at to the table with everyone else to eat their McNuggets and fries.

A study says how long a baby gazes at things may predict later hyperactivity. Especially when they can’t stop staring at the Oreos, Doritos and Twinkies in the snack drawer.

A study says that weight loss surgery may ease incontinence. Mostly from the patients no longer needing to drink three Big Gulps worth of Coke to wash down the four Big Mac combos they ate for lunch.

The USDA is proposing healthier foods for kids in daycare. Apparently they decided action needed to be taken when the labels of “choice,” “prime” and “select” were being used to describe the marbling of fat on the children.

Musician Bill Hudson has disowned his children Oliver and Kate, saying “They are dead to me.” In fact, he considers them even more dead than the career of the Hudson Brothers.

Mets rookie Steven Matz has had a deli sandwich named after him. It’s different than the other sandwich associated with the Mets, nothing between two pieces of toast.

An investigation says that $3 Million was transferred from Phil Mickelson to an illegal gambling operation. No one had any idea when Mickelson said he really admires Rose, it wasn’t Justin he was talking about but Pete.

AC/DC will join several several subscription streaming services. The band was concerned over what breaking up an album into individual tracks would have on listener experience. Other than maybe delaying the inevitable hearing loss for another few months.

AC/DC will join several several subscription streaming services. The band was concerned over what breaking up an album into individual tracks would have on listener experience. Other than people realizing that if you buy one AC/DC song you pretty much have their entire catalog.

A study says that Google alters search results to play up its own content. Mostly when people type in “glass” and Google is hoping that finally someone might be actually showing an interest in Google Glass.

Microsoft is teaming with Taylor Made to make a wearable golf tracker band. It’s for the health conscious golfer who wants a scoring summary and time of play, along with knowing just how much weight was gained from sitting in a golf cart all afternoon while downing three hot dogs and a six pack of beer.

Microsoft is teaming with Taylor Made to make a wearable golf tracker band. Apparently the engineers at Microsoft had another game in mind for the tracker but decided they could make more sales to golfers than people who played Quidditch.

A study says access to high speed fiber broadband can increase the value of a home by as much as 3%. Which is the same amount as access to an AOL capable phone line can increase the value of any double wide trailer.

Physicists claim the universe has a “ring” like the noise made from a crystal glass. Either that or they still have tinnitus from all the vuvuzelas at the last World Cup.

Physicists claim the universe has a “ring” like the noise made from a crystal glass. At least we can all be thankful that if there is any noise going on for 14 billion years it is crystal glass and not a car alarm, nails on a chalkboard or Gilbert Gottfried.

Researchers say that millions of silver coins were stored in the attic of the Parthenon in the 5th century. As opposed to present day where the Greek government may still have three Euros and a couple of bottles of Ouzo still hidden away in the Treasury.

President Obama is set to expand overtime pay for millions of workers. The only problem is that you only get overtime for more than 40 hours a week at one job, so it doesn’t count for the people working 75 hours a week at three jobs.

The White House says that Greece is not their problem. If they can’t figure out how to stay afloat with a debt of $1.73 Billion, they need to take a lesson from the masters who have been going on for years while in the hole for $17 Trillion.

Democrats in the House and Senate are pushing for statehood for Washington, D.C. Which is unpopular for most politicians, especially the ones who live in northern Virginia because if they are ever caught at least now it doesn’t involve crossing state lines.

Louisiana and Mississippi have begun issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples. Which is at odds with most people’s beliefs there that marriage should be between one man and his farm animals.

David Cassidy is selling his home as part of his bankruptcy proceedings. The sad part is that he is now forced to live in a psychedelic, refurbished 1974 school bus.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the last day of June. Half the year is gone. I have already made one accomplishment in the first half of the year, namely spending all the money that I make for the entire year. We should treat this like a half way New Year’s Day, meaning that everyone can start over with our resolutions. I would like to see everyone start off the second half of 2015 by making sure to remember to send the love!

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Supreme Court approved same sex marriage for all 50 states, to which Justice Antonin Scalia says the Court is a “threat to democracy.” He says this never would have happened back in the days of 2000 when the Court got to pick their own President.

Donald Trump has banned the staff of Univision from using his golf course in Miami over the network dropping his Miss Universe beauty pageant for his disparaging comments about Mexicans. Although he says they can get in a quick nine holes any time as long as it’s done while carrying hedge clippers or walking behind a lawnmower.

A poll says that 72% of Americans fear an economic crash, the highest ever. The other 28% don’t have anything to worry about since they are pretty much still trying to get through the meltdown that happened back in 2008.

A survey says that half of all Americans have delayed a major life event because of money worries. Mostly pushing any thoughts of retiring at age 65 back to somewhere around 93.

A study says that chimpanzees can tell right from wrong. Which explains how his guilt over not testifying against Michael Jackson drove Bubbles to spending the rest of his time at Neverland drinking all of Jackson’s Jesus Juice.

An Australian engineer has designed a robot that can build a house in two days. Although that still doesn’t beat the record of most bank loan officers who can still get through the foreclosing proceedings on the same home in less than 30 minutes.

An Australian engineer has designed a robot that can build a house in two days. Although it still can’t touch the record of putting up as many bricks over 48 minutes still held by LeBron James.

A study says that porn addiction is not real. At least as long as it is being done under the guise of gathering information for some kind of “study.”

McDonald’s says it will increase the size of its Quarter Pounder. It will be the first expansion associated with the restaurant’s menu other than what has been going on over the past 50 years with their customers’ waistlines.

The White House says it wants doctors to warn their patients about global warming. Mostly to take their minds off the fact that their annual check-up they are seeing the doctor about will not be covered by their Obamacare policy.

NASA is testing non-stick aircraft wing coatings to prevent accumulations of residue from insects. Also to make the wings slippery to prevent any more of those gremlins from hitching rides like that one on “The Twilight Zone.”

NASA is testing non-stick aircraft wing coatings to prevent accumulations of residue from insects. Now if the airlines would only do the same thing for their chicken sandwiches.

A report says that charitable giving in the U.S. reached a new high in 2014 of $358 Billion. Otherwise known as the combined salaries and perks of all the major corporate CEOs.

Fans of Alexander Hamilton say they are upset about him being replaced on the $10 Bill. None more than Larry King who says he hates to see any of his personal acquaintances demoted.

Fans of Alexander Hamilton say they are upset about him being replaced on the $10 Bill. For many people his picture brings back great memories, like the days when they actually had a ten dollar bill in their wallet.

AOL shareholders say they want a bigger payout than they are getting for the Verizon deal. Although they should be easy to negotiate with, as they can’t be that aware about stock values if they still own shares of AOL.

AOL shareholders say they want a bigger payout than they are getting for the Verizon deal. Some of them are drawing the line to get an equal value for their investment, like a straight across the board trade for the same amount of stock in Pets.com.

An analysis says that poor road conditions cost drivers an extra $515 a year in wear and repairs. Which you know means roads are getting really bad when that doesn’t even include the cost of getting your car towed out of a pothole.

A report says the roads in Washington, D.C. are the worst in the nation with 92% of them considered in poor shape. The other 8% of the roads are perfectly maintained so traffic can flow without any delays are the ones that go from the lobbyists' offices over to the Capitol Building.

Disney has banned selfie sticks from all of its theme parks. Apparently they don’t want to take away the tradition of park guests being asked every two minutes by a group of foreigners if they would mind taking their picture.

Disney has banned selfie sticks from all of its theme parks. Which is unfortunate for the people who will no longer have pictures to remind them of their trip since the cost of a Disney vacation means they can no longer afford to bring along the rest of the family.

Apple has changed its mind and will readmit some video games that feature the Confederate flag, including “Civil War: 1863.” Not to say that the people still playing a Civil War video game are old, but the only console that it can be used with is a Magnavox Odyssey.

Nutrition experts are hailing a federal decision to stop recommending restrictions of total fat consumption. Mostly because for many Americans, the fat they eat is so much more nutritious than the rest of their diet which is made up of sugar, salt and preservatives.

The CDC is warning of a pool parasite this summer. Which is different than the friends and relatives who are over to your house every day after finding out that you just had a pool put in your yard.

New technology will allow doctors to “walk” through people’s colons in a virtual colonoscopy. The only thing patients will need to do is make sure there is a welcome mat to they can wipe their shoes when they are done.

A report says that the brain is controlled mostly by the unconscious. Which has pretty much already been proven by anyone you have ever tried to have a conversation with while they have a smartphone in their hands.

Research says some OCD patients get relief through a removal of part of their brain. As opposed to people who like to watch C-SPAN congressional TV and find they only get relief through a complete frontal lobotomy.

A study says that antidepressants are linked to bone fractures in older women. Which is bad, especially when they are prescribed the medication because they are depressed about always breaking their bones.

A study says that only a third of people in the UK consider their diet healthy. The other two thirds figure it must be good because if they can eat a meal of haggis with no problems, there is nothing their body can’t handle.

Doctors extracted a five foot long hairball from a 15 year old girl in the UK. Apparently she made it through the procedure in good shape but for the next few days will be confined to her basket and litter box.

A study says that surgery may help teenagers with frequent migraine headaches. Which is ironic considering their parents have had to deal with one steady migraine since the day their kids reached their teens.

A picture of Kendall Jenner has become the most liked Instagram photo ever, beating out one of her step sister Kim Kardashian. Although the way to get it to have even more “likes” would be to caption one of their pictures as “This will be the last selfie I ever take.”

Tom Cruise is set to play Maverick again in a sequel to “Top Gun.” Only in this one he tries to avoid a Russian MiG that is firing on him while he is jumping up and down on a couch.

Tom Cruise is set to play Maverick again in a sequel to “Top Gun.” He is getting a little old to be believable as a fighter pilot so instead he rides around on his Rascal yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn.

Tom Cruise is set to play Maverick again in a sequel to “Top Gun.” Although since the cast is a little older, instead of the beach volleyball scene they wear their robes while getting in a couple of games of shuffleboard.

Kim Kardashian says she thought her career was over after her divorce. Millions of people were asking the same question. Just what is her career?

Kim Kardashian says she thought her career was over after her divorce. But all it actually did was make people become interested in seeing how long she could tough it out being married to Kanye West.

The NFL has posted an opening for a “Director of Investigations.” The position requires candidates to be familiar with social media and computers and applicants must have their own air pressure gauge.

Andong Song has become the first Chinese player drafted by the NHL. Which has a lot of people confused, saying “Isn’t Andong Song the name of the Asian guy in “Sixteen Candles”?

A study says that texts make people sound less intelligent and employable than the same information communicated verbally. Although nothing makes someone sound dumber than saying “OMG!,” “BRB” or “LOL.”

A study says the Apple Watch has some Millennials feeling guilty, worrying that it is an ostentatious symbol of wealth. Which shows how far our economy has fallen when young people think they have arrived when they acquire $300 of disposable income.

A study says that three quarters of American households making less than $30,000 a year are online. The reason they make less than $30,000 is because the rest of their income has gone to a Nigerian prince they met over the Internet.

A survey says that 73% of businesses are planning to switch over to Windows 10 within two years of its release. The other 37% will make the change just as soon as they finally are able to get their computers running on Windows Vista to boot up.

Pollster John Zogby says the recent Supreme Court decisions have made President Obama’s legacy equal to that of Ronald Reagan. All he needs to do now is star in a few low budget B movies and make a few commercials for 20 Mule Team Borax and he will seal the deal.

Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders says he will step up his outreach to minority voters. The first thing he will do is leave his home state of Vermont so for the first time he can actually see for himself what a minority voter looks like.

The Department of Education says it is backing off a plan to rate colleges and universities. Which really isn’t necessary since all most college applicants use anyway is the Princeton Review for top party schools.

The Department of Education says it is backing off a plan to rate colleges and universities. The rankings were to be based on a scale from 30 to 45 based on the number of years for each school it was estimated it will take graduates to pay off their tuition loans.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Supreme Court approved same sex marriages and Obamacare in the same week. Although no cameras are allowed in the court, for an idea of how Justice Antonin Scalia reacted just remember the face of Spencer Tracy the moment his daughter introduces him to her fiancee Sidney Poitier in “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner.” I don’t want to get into the politics of it, that’s reserved for the jokes. But from a comedy standpoint, you can’t buy stuff like this. The only thing that makes me happier when I sit down to crank out the jokes is when you all remember to send the love!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Supreme Court voted to strike down a challenge to Obamacare. The good news is that there will still be health care available for all the congressional Republicans whose heads just exploded.

The Supreme Court voted to strike down a challenge to Obamacare. Dissenting Justice Antonin Scalia says the decision showed that “words no longer have meaning.” To which everyone in Washington, D.C. says words are just there to throw off the people who think there is more to any issue than money.

Government officials say foreign hackers stole intimate personal details of government workers, including information about their sex partners, drug and alcohol abuse and gambling problems. The question is, why is the government hiring people with all those personal issues?

Government officials say foreign hackers stole intimate personal details of government workers, including information about their sex partners, drug and alcohol abuse and gambling problems. The first question is who puts all that information into their work file in the first place?

Government officials say foreign hackers stole intimate personal details of government workers, including information about their sex partners, drug and alcohol abuse and gambling problems. And that’s just from the election filing forms of all the members of Congress.

A survey says many businesses live in fear for their future in the digital age. Although it’s hard to believe the digital age is going to really change anything if after all these years AOL is still in business.

A report says that red eyes from a swimming pool are not caused by chlorine but instead urine. The report also means that people who are drunk don’t have red eyes from the alcohol, but from putting their heads a little too far in the toilet when they throw up all night.

British scientists say that experiments with humans and artificial blood could take place within two years. The good news is that if it works out, blood transfusions won’t need to be done at hospitals but more conveniently when you take the car in to Jiffy Lube.

Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak says one day humans will end up as robots’ pets. Which is not exactly a surprise considering we have already become slaves to our iPhones.

The auto industry has been enlisting ethicists and philosophers to determine how driverless cars should react in an accident, which means picking where the car could swerve and who would be hit. Although car makers don’t really need to feel guilty about anything since no one will survive any accident due to the faulty airbags they install.

The auto industry has been enlisting ethicists and philosophers to determine how driverless cars should react in an accident, which means picking where the car could swerve and who would be hit. The question is where were all the ethicists and philosophers when they started building cars that get recall notices every other week?

A smelly refrigerator at the University of Kentucky sent eleven people to the hospital. Apparently members of the fraternity that owned the refrigerator mistook several food expiration dates that said “8/16” meant they were good through August of 1916.

Patrick Macnee, who starred in the 1960s show “The Avengers” has died at age 93. The family says to whomever is responsible, there will be retribution.

Jimmy Carter says he hopes the play “Camp David” about the 1978 peace agreement will make it to Broadway. It’s the play that is filled with constant intermissions and has no real ending.

Data says that people who eat liquid foods like soup are more likely to have Apple phones while people who eat solid foods like pizza are more inclined to have an Android phone. Mostly because they spend so much time on their cellphones they can’t get a job that pays them enough to eat anything other than soup and pizza.

The U.S. issued a report on human rights, criticizing China for corruption and dealing with activists with repression and coercion. The reported ended with a hearty “Well done!”

A consumer agency has released thousands of complaints from disgruntled customers about banks, credit card companies and other financial institutions. The good news is that all of the complaints were made before 2008 when people still had enough money to have a bank account credit card and needed financial services.

Ford is showing off its latest wearables that lets people keep tabs on their car even when they are not in them. As opposed to people who own GM cars who know exactly what their car is doing, usually sitting on a rack at the dealership for the latest recall.

A report says that Americans’ spending in May jumped to its highest rate in the past six years. Most of the spending came on new vehicles, since the economy has improved to the point where people are making enough money to buy an even bigger car to live in.

A study says that mistakes made on memory and thinking tests may signal early warning signs of Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when the person was three hours late for the test because they wrote down the wrong address four different times.

A study says “fitness” labels on food may lead to people eating more and exercising less. At least until they see that someone has slapped a label saying “Wide Load” on the backside of their jeans.

A British bioethicist says men should freeze their sperm when they are 18 because of the risks attached with being an older father. Also because in this economy most men won’t be financially secure enough to start a family until they are in their 80s.

A study says that military veterans report only limited use of sunscreen protection while on duty. Mostly because of the mess, inconvenience and the lack of proof that anything even with an SPF of 45 has never been known to stop a bullet.

The U.S. has fallen in a survey of the world’s happiest countries, from 12th to 23rd. Mostly because 11 other oil producing countries jumped past us knowing that with the price of oil coming down they don’t have to be worried about a U.S. military invasion.

AT&T says that one in ten drivers are video chatting while behind the wheel while 61% are texting and 17% are taking selfies. People were shocked. They had no idea that many AT&T customers could be connected long enough to do any of that.

A study says that having more sex doesn’t necessarily make people any happier. Especially the ones who are caught by their wives.

Bristol Palin has announced she is pregnant again. She says she wants no sympathy. It’s too late for that. You have to feel sorry for anyone who has to go through life admitting that their mother is Sarah Palin.

Bristol Palin has announced she is pregnant again. It’s just unfortunate that no one explained that she is a bit to old to audition for “16 & Pregnant.”

Buckingham Palace needs some repairs which may force Queen Elizabeth II to move out for awhile. The worst part will be when Kate finds out why William insisted they move into a house with a mother-in-law suite built on the back.

The first openly gay professional pitcher will make a start in the minors. The only problem has been finding someone who will volunteer to be the catcher.

The CEO of Microsoft says he wants to help the world achieve more. Although the best way is to be picked as the chief executive of a company that has already been around for 40 years and is worth $460 billion.

The CEO of Microsoft says he wants to help the world achieve more. Which they will find is a lot easier once they get rid of their devices operated by Windows Vista.

45 newspapers have united to bring their readers uplifting, solutions-based news. The first solution they will work on is how to get people to start reading newspapers again so they can climb out of their mountain of debt.

NASA says it will use holographic glasses on the International Space Station. Mostly so they can pretend to be somewhere other than inside a tiny room orbiting 200 miles above the Earth along with several other socially awkward nerds.

Google search is already indicating that Hillary Clinton will be the next President. Apparently the algorithm was based on the number of attractive young women already applying in advance to be White House interns.

A survey says Americans worked an average of 7 hours and 45 minutes a day in 2014. Which really works out to 45 minutes when you take away the three hours of watching Internet porn and four hours spent looking at cat videos, taking selfies and texting friends with their cellphones.

McDonald’s says it is selling fewer sodas with its Happy Meals. Mostly because soft drinks just seem to leave an after taste that lingers a bit longer than usual when mixed in with the insulin injections.

Police in Pennsylvania used a fitness tracker to determine a woman was lying about a crime. Mostly because her alibi was she was out jogging but the police knew otherwise when they saw the wrist band was stained with bacon grease, pizza sauce and Haagen Dazs.

An analysis says that Netflix will show higher Nielsen ratings than any of the major networks. Which isn’t that impressive since their offerings of reruns of “Hogan’s Heroes” are already singlehandedly beating out NBC.

Apple is removing apps from video games that contain the Confederate flag. Apparently they don’t want young children to be distracted with the controversial emblem while they are chopping heads off zombies, stealing cars and blowing up buildings.

Startup companies are trying ways to automate hiring employees. Apparently the algorithm is programmed to detect which resumes are from people most likely to learn the quickest how to clean and repair the Slurpee Machine.

Alex Stamos, head of security for Yahoo is moving over to Facebook. In his years at Yahoo, there were no security breaches. Mostly because who would want to waste their time to find out what Yahoo is hiding?

Alex Stamos, head of security for Yahoo is moving over to Facebook. Which questions how good he is since he couldn’t even keep himself from being pilfered.

A survey says that 62% of Americans have lost sleep over at least one financial concern. Mostly worrying about the price of their prescriptions for all their sleep medications.

A survey says that 62% of Americans have lost sleep over at least one financial concern. The other 38% quit worrying back in the crash of 2008 when they lost their home, job and any hint of finances they still had left.

A proposed law gives Congress the right to define who is and isn’t a craft brewer. Which answers “yes” to the question that it really does take an act of Congress to get a decent glass of ale.

Bob Beckel has been fired from the Fox News Channel show “The Five.” Apparently budget freezes have caused them to cut back the show to just ”The Four.”

Bob Beckel has been fired from the Fox News Channel show “The Five.” Which is a coincidence that a show on Fox had the same name as the number of viewers who still watch CNN.

Chris Christie will reportedly announce his candidacy for President on June 30th. Apparently he is waiting because he feels campaigning really gets to be a grind if it lasts any longer than 17 months.

Members of Congress weighed in on who they think should be pictured on the $10 Bill. Many were going to select their favorite lobbyist but decided it would be better to wait until there is an opening for the bill they more closely associate them with. A stack of unmarked twenties.

Polls show that Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is gaining in popularity but is still mostly unknown to black voters. At least outside of the three black families who actually still live in Vermont.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is the last weekend in June. Which means absolutely nothing, but I have nothing else to talk about. What it does mean is that the year is about half over. The good news is that I have only half a year’s debt to still pile up before I start over. I always love it when people say “Can you believe it is July already?” To which I usually say “Yes I can. Because we are just getting done with June and before that was May, April, March, February and January, which gave us five months advance notice this was on the way.” Which is why I have no friends. Except for all of you, of which the only thing I ever ask is that once in awhile you remember to keep on sending the love!

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The water level in Nevada’s Lake Mead has reached a record low point. The good news is that casino deadbeats don’t have to worry about being knocked off until there’s enough rain to raise the water line another six feet.

Scientists say they have developed a robot that is controlled by thoughts and brain waves. Which is good news for men who want to operate a robot but already have their hands full with the TV remote in one and a beer in the other.

A survey ranks Panama as the world’s happiest country. Mostly ever since the economy took off when people started buying up all the Panama hats they could find as protection against global warming.

A survey ranks Afghanistan as the world’s least happiest country. Mostly because it is completely desolate and barren yet somehow every few years another country tries to start another war with them.

Pope Francis I says it may be “morally necessary” for some families to break up. Apparently he made his remarks after watching a few of the most recent episodes of “The Kardashians.”

A poll says that Chris Christie’s approval ratings have fallen to a new low in New Jersey. Apparently his numbers have fallen with people who are unemployed, think taxes are too high or have ever been stuck immediately behind him in a buffet line.

A poll says that Chris Christie’s approval ratings have fallen to a new low in New Jersey. Apparently the people are still mad at him obstructing traffic on the George Washington Bridge. If there is anything that will make people mad, it is blocking the main artery for getting out of New Jersey.

A Massachusetts bill would allow pets to be buried along with their owners. Which will be convenient for people who won’t have to pay for multiple grave sites when the entire household is done in by the family pit bull.

A Massachusetts bill would allow pets to be buried along with their owners. As opposed to New Jersey where the mob has traditionally made it possible for people to spend eternity along with the entire collection from their aquarium.

Whole Foods is being investigated in New York City for overcharging their customers. Or as anyone who has ever shopped at Whole Foods calls that, their business model.

Whole Foods is being investigated in New York City for overcharging their customers. To which Starbucks is saying “That’s illegal?”

Whole Foods is being investigated in New York City for overcharging their customers. Or as everyone living in New York City is saying, “How could they tell?”

A study says that cash does make people happy. Much happier than the people who actually put out cash for a study that tells us absolutely nothing we didn’t already know.

Data says that Washington, D.C. has a higher income disparity than any state in the country. Mostly since Congress started obstructing all legislation and the wealthy lobbyists have no reason to spread around their bribe money.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has entered the race for the White House. His biggest obstacle is his state’s economy. Even the wealthiest family in Louisiana has to hunt their own water fowl and can’t even afford to buy a good razor.

Chinese authorities seized 100,000 tons of smuggled meat that could be up to 40 years old. The bad news the operation will really cause a delay in the planned expansion into China by Taco Bell.

Chinese authorities seized 100,000 tons of smuggled meat that could be up to 40 years old. The government says the haul has an estimated value of $480 Million. Which is scary as every other country would pretty much concede the value of 40 year old meat is zero.

United Airlines says it will not build a new pilot training center in Chicago. Apparently the airline figures what is the point of training pilots when they haven’t had a flight that has made it past the tarmac since 1998?

A study says Americans worked seven minutes longer last year than the year before. The only problem is trying to stretch the salary over 12 months that they made for working an entire seven minutes.

A survey says that the average American family throws away $640 of food a year. Which is actually good because how fat would we all be if we ate another $2 worth of food every day?

Don Featherstone, the man who created the iconic plastic pink yard flamingos has died at age 79. He will be buried next to the person who designed the lawn jockey and the garden gnome.

Don Featherstone, the man who created the iconic plastic pink yard flamingos has died at age 79 at his home in Massachusetts. Unfortunately, he died before he achieved his goal of selling even one plastic pink flamingo to someone in Massachusetts.

The FBI says ransomware victims lost $18 Million over a period of 15 months. The good news is that women say it was worth it to have at least a few days where their husbands were locked out from watching any computer porn.

Fiat Chrysler is recalling Jeep SUVs for a water leak problem. Apparently owners say they don’t let the water in fast enough when they drive them into a lake to claim they were stolen and collect on their insurance.

McDonald’s is starting to sell mozzarella sticks at their restaurants in Wisconsin. The nutritional information says they aren’t safe for vegetarians, apparently in the event that for the first time in the past 50 years a vegetarian actually walks into a McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is starting to sell mozzarella sticks at their restaurants in Wisconsin. The nutritional information says they aren’t safe for vegetarians. Which is a safe bet that deep fried cheese sticks served at McDonald’s are probably not safe for anyone.

The National Insurance Crime Bureau says that California leads the nation in car thefts. Mostly for people who drive a Prius and have to resort to a life of crime if they need to make it up a hill that has more than a 3% gradient.

A survey says that Wyoming is the least lazy state with people there spending less time watching TV. Which could change just as soon as the cable companies finally start introducing service there.

A survey says that Wyoming is the least lazy state with people there spending less time watching TV. The state with the most couch potatoes is West Virginia, which is quite an accomplishment to beat out Idaho in any category that involves the word “potato.”

Google has introduced the first vertical street view which allows users to “climb” Yosemite’s El Capitan. The hardest part was getting enough rope to make the ascent up a 3,000 foot sheer rock wall with a camera mounted Kia.

A study says that one in five Americans are hiding financial debt from their partners. The other four are having a tougher time covering the fact they are destitute when they have lost their job, had their home foreclosed and need to borrow change for a bus token.

Kim Kardashian reportedly opted for sex selection when it came to the IVF process of her second child. To which her step father Caitlyn Jenner is saying “Been there.”

A report says that Alzheimer’s Disease may begin 20 years before the appearance of symptoms. Either that or that the symptoms are there all along but the people just keep forgetting they have them.

A study says that alcohol has a greater impact on driving than marijuana. Mostly because anyone who is stoned just keeps driving in circles going 20 miles an hour looking for the closest late night pizzeria.

A group of English teenagers invented condoms that change colors when they come in contact with an STD. The condoms turn green for chlamydia, yellow for herpes and then there is the spectacular rainbow display for anyone dating Paris Hilton.

A study says there is a greater risk for skin cancer for men who take Viagra. Means means anyone who has that problem needs to just take it at night or start using condoms lubricated with sunscreen.

A Virginia man was awarded $500,000 after finding he had accidentally recorded doctors mocking him during a colonoscopy. Apparently he felt anyone making fun of him while performing that procedure should have at least left a twenty on the gurney.

A lamb that was modified with DNA from a jellyfish in the lab was sold to a market in France. The good news was that it was the first lamb dish that was ever served with its own jelly.

A lamb that was modified with DNA from a jellyfish in the lab was sold to a market in France. The word is that the lamb was bought by a customer and put on the menu at the Crusty Crab. (If you have never watched “SpongeBob SquarePants” please disregard...!)

A study says that edible marijuana products often list the wrong potency. Apparently the problem was caused by stoners rating the goods as “tasty,” “mellow” and “wow!”

The Motion Picture Academy says it won’t cut back on the number of movies nominated for Best Picture. In fact, they may raise it knowing that they will have hit the maximum number as soon as someone tries to nominate any film featuring Adam Sandler.

An Ohio theater that was supposed to be playing “Inside Out” to an audience of kids accidentally started showing a horror movie. Apparently the projectionist scared the children by mistakenly loading a travel documentary about Cleveland.

Google says it is planning to open a data center in Alabama. The toughest part was getting people there to accept that they will be part of the cloud even though they like it better when it is sunny outside.

Google says it is planning to open a data center in Alabama. It will be the biggest concentration of data in the state other than what is printed on the bottle cap of every Lucky Lager.

Archaeologists say the ancient Greeks believed in zombies and that the dead could rise from the grave. Which is a lot easier to fathom than the people who still think they can save the country’s economy.

A report says that Tesla tracks its cars and knows how many miles they have been driven and where they are at any time. Which is nothing new to GM which can pretty much guess any of their vehicles are at the nearest dealer for the latest recall.

A food app that tracks recipe searches says people look for healthy food on Monday but by Friday are looking for cookies, pizza and alcohol. Mostly because on Monday they make the mistake of ordering out while they are still sober after the weekend.

Mississippi Senator Robert Wicker says the Mississippi state flag that contains the Confederate emblem should be placed in a museum. It will be the first museum artifact coming out of the south since Strom Thurmond was still serving in the Senate.

Former New Hampshire Governor John Sununu says letting Donald Trump take part in the Republican debates would turn it into a reality show. Although the last word that will come into anyone’s mind while watching a debate between Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina is “reality.”

Donald Trump says he is “shocked” that Neil Young would object to his campaign using his song “Rockin’ In The Free World.” Besides, it would make more sense for  Republicans to use music people identify more with their economic policies like “Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the presidential race for 2016 is now fully underway. Which is good news for writers like myself who at least have a source of material for the next 16 months. The big question now is who will be our next President? Which on the day after the election will be replaced with the question as to who will be running in 2020? My motto has always been “if nominated I will not run, if elected I will not serve, just remember to once in awhile make sure to send the love!”

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The prolonged drought in California is prompting some residents to let their personal hygiene slide. The good news for the tourism industry is that with Disney parks, the wine industry and hairy, foul smelling residents, who needs to vacation in  France?

A study says that conservatives may be better at dieting than liberals. Mostly because they are so much more willing in bad times to tell everyone they need to tighten their belts.

Anthropologists say the discovery of a jawbone shows that humans may have bred with Neanderthals in Europe 40,000 years ago. Which also means that Jay Leno and Sylvester Stallone could be related.

A study says that there is little evidence to show that medicinal marijuana helps with any illnesses. To which the people who have prescriptions are saying “It’s supposed to help with illness?”

The University of Pennsylvania is offering a course called “Wasting Time On The Internet” where students look at anything they like online in class for three hours. Apparently it is getting them ready for what to expect when they finally leave school and get their first real job.

The University of Pennsylvania is offering a course called “Wasting Time On The Internet” where students look at anything they like online in class for three hours. The course is part of the English Department which is apparently trying to teach students the definition of the word “redundancy.”

The chair of the House Intelligence Committee says the U.S. is at “the highest threat level we have ever faced.” Which means the alert system could be changed from orange to yellow or red or whatever any of those colors are supposed to actually mean.

The chair of the House Intelligence Committee says the U.S. is at “the highest threat level we have ever faced.” Just like they said about 9/11, Iraq, Afghanistan, the housing market, the economic crash and health care reform. But this time they really mean it.

A Pentagon manual says journalists can be considered enemy combatants. Which is the designation that Republicans have pretty much always held for anyone working at the New York Times, the Huffington Post and MSNBC.

U.S. lawmakers say they fear car “recall fatigue” over Takata airbags. Or as anyone who has ever owned a GM vehicle calls recall fatigue, “business as usual.”

Amazon and Etsy are banning products that contain the Confederate Flag. Which means both online sites are about to lose 90% of the business they do with customers in Georgia.

Vibrating, moving 4D seats in movie theaters are growing in popularity. The good news is that after spending their last $26 for a ticket, movie goers don’t have to worry about having any money left that might be shaken out of their pockets.

Vibrating, moving 4D seats in movie theaters are growing in popularity. In fact, JetBlue is now considering installing them in their planes so passengers feel what it is like to be flying while they are sitting on the tarmac for three hours.

Tesla says its model S electric cars have logged 1 Billion miles of driving. In a related story, Chrysler says its cars have now managed over the years to travel a combined 12 miles.

Tesla says its model S electric cars have logged 1 Billion miles of driving. GM knows when its vehicles make it to 1 Billion miles on the road because that is about the time they issue their 10 Millionth recall.

A survey says that 1 in 3 Americans are one emergency away from financial ruin. The other two don’t have to worry about that because the mortgage crisis, the economy and living on unemployment put them in financial ruin back in 2008.

The CEO of Wal-Mart says he was surprised that the store was still selling Confederate flags. He had no idea their Chinese suppliers knew anything about the Civil War.

The CEO of Wal-Mart says he was surprised that the store was still selling Confederate flags. He thought the truck gun racks they sold came with the rebel flags attached by the factory.

A report says that Takata ended safety checks of their airbags because of the cost. Not to say they were cheap, but engineers were told to come up with something to fill up the bags with that didn’t cost as much money as air.

A study says that living in a bad neighborhood makes people age faster. If that is true, then why is it that all the people who live in the high dollar areas like Beverly Hills are the ones that are getting eye jobs, Botox injections and facelifts?

 A study says that living in a bad neighborhood makes people age faster. Which isn’t completely true. Imagine what great shape you would be in if you had to run from your front door to your car every day just to keep from being shot.

Google’s new wearable device can send information to people’s doctors so they can track their health. How about a device that allows people sitting in the doctor’s waiting room for three hours to be able to track where their doctor is?

A study says that teenagers with health problems can miss out on school and work opportunities as adults. Which means they will miss out on being able to go to college, go deeply in debt and get a minimum wage job that will let them retire when they are 90.

A report says a goal of 10,000 steps a day may be too rigorous for some people. Especially the ones who have adopted a less strenuous routine of taking a total of 40 steps a day going from the couch to the refrigerator.

Planned Parenthood is offering an app that allows people to order tests for STDs with their smartphones. Which is ironic in that the reason they need to be tested is from using their cellphone to access all the different online dating sites.

A study says that teens are unfamiliar with the health dangers of marijuana and e-cigarettes. Mostly because they are nothing compared to the health dangers of other teen habits like sitting on the couch all day eating junk food and playing video games.

A study says that millions of long term smokers may have undetected lung disease. Being a long term smoker and saying there might be an undetected lung problem is like saying a long term junk food eater may have undetected obesity.

A study says that millions of long term smokers may have undetected lung disease. The worst part is when their lung diseases are undetected because their chest X-Rays are blurred by all the smoke.

A study says that fewer poor people are uninsured after passage of Obamacare. Which makes them like the rest of us who have become poor over the years paying our health insurance premiums, deductibles and copays.

Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger is having to undergo surgery on his vocal chords. The only problem is the surgeon doing the operation that could put the band back in business may be violating his Hippocratic Oath where he swore to “first do no harm.”

Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger is having to undergo surgery on his vocal chords. The only question is how could anyone tell there was something wrong with his voice in the first place?

A Miley Cyrus fan says he will remove all 29 of his tattoos of the pop singer after she called them “ugly.” The worst part about getting Miley Cyrus tattoos was having to bring his mom to sign the forms since they never had that request before from anyone who was older than ten.

A Miley Cyrus fan says he will remove all 29 of his tattoos of the pop singer after she called them “ugly.” The worst part is that he got the images of Miley Cyrus to cover up all his old tattoos of Justin Bieber.

A report says that 300 people were kicked out of a Kenny Chesney concert in Wisconsin. Apparently they were getting in the way of all the people who came to enjoy the traditional concert activities of drinking, hitting on women and fighting.

A report says that 300 people were kicked out of a Kenny Chesney concert in Wisconsin. Which could never happen at an Ashlee Simpson concert since there wouldn’t be 300 people trying to get in.

NASCAR says it won’t ban its fans from flying Confederate flags at races. Mostly because of the horrific idea that if they didn’t allow the flags past the entry gate the whole crowd would be naked.

The U.S. Navy is paying Microsoft $9 Million to continue supporting their computers operating on Windows XP. Which explains a lot, including the fact that NASA must still have all their computers working on Windows Vista.

The U.S. Navy is paying Microsoft $9 Million to continue supporting their computers operating on Windows XP. Apparently they need the technology to continue to get their naval war strategy from Vice Admiral Clippy.

Instagram has introduced its new “Explore” feature that allows users to find the most important photos and news online from across the country. Which is just another way of saying they are catering to their customers need to find more cat videos to watch.

A report says that wages in the Bay Area are up to 60% higher than the national average. Which is good news for the people who live there and have to make that much money to pay for the commute to the closest place they can afford to live, Nevada.

A report says the fastest rising rents in the country are in Jackson, Mississippi. Apparently there is just a huge demand for the people there who don’t want to commit to buying until they find the absolute perfect double wide trailer.

Verizon has closed on its deal to buy AOL in just 42 days. The company will now spend the next few months trying to figure out what direction they will go, who will be running it and how to deal with an extreme case of buyer’s remorse.

Verizon has closed on its deal to buy AOL in just 42 days. It went so fast because apparently AOL was just like a real estate agent in India who wants to close the deal on a house with a leaky roof before the monsoon season arrives.

A report says that the number of teens with summer jobs has fallen to a record low of 31.6%. The drop is attributed to a slow recovery in retail, a longer school year and that the kids are now having to compete for the seasonal jobs with their out of work parents.

Donald Trump says that the Confederate flag is a distraction and should be removed from display at the statehouse grounds and put in a museum. He says if he is elected President for the same reason he is planning to do the same thing with his hair.

The U.S. has scolded China for its online attacks against American companies. They are taking a tough stance. If the Chinese do it again, President Obama says he will personally defriend the entire nation.

The U.S. has scolded China for its online attacks against American companies. Scolding them? What’s next if they do it again, a ten minute time-out in their room?

The head of the EPA says that climate deniers are “not normal.” Although it may not be that much of a rebuke to be called that by someone who has spent their whole adult life trying to make it to the top position in a faceless government bureaucracy.

Donald Trump says that “Latinos love Trump.” Mostly because every time he fires one of his people on “The Apprentice” the job is usually given to an undocumented alien.

Columbia University has become the first college to divest themselves from private prison companies. Apparently they draw the line of imprisonment at keeping their graduates shackled to the bank that loaned them their college tuition for 40 years.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! We are now into the first week of summer, which means for once it isn’t pouring over these jokes looking for the humor that is causing you all to flop sweat. Thanks for checking out my blog. Hope you enjoy it and take the opportunity to tell some others about it, especially if your uncle happens to be the head writer of a late night comedy show that needs to hire yet another middle aged white guy. But, if that isn’t the case I still am always satisfied when you all just remember once in awhile to send the love!

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

An English newspaper says Pope Francis I lives in a “sad world of Make-believe.” To which atheists around the world are saying “we told you so!”

A report says the planet is in a new stage of extinction with many species including humans essentially becoming “the walking dead.” Which we apparently were designated once pedestrian foot traffic areas were separated to avoid people running into each other while texting.

Scientists say that global warming will result in smaller loaves of bread by 2050. That could be a good thing. If we were restricted to making smaller ham sandwiches, Mama Cass Elliot might still be with us.

Scientists say that global warming will result in smaller loaves of bread by 2050. Raging wildfires, widespread drought and killer tropical storms we can deal with. But when there isn’t enough bread around to make a full sized turkey sandwich, that is people will finally demand we take action.

Ohio Governor John Kasich has told Pope Francis I that the environment “shouldn’t be worshiped.” Kasich backed up his comments by saying if the Pope doesn’t believe the people of Ohio don’t worship the environment, he should come visit Cleveland.

The Weather Channel is taking an active stance in climate change. Mostly so they can blame global warming as the cause each time they blow a forecast.

The Weather Channel is taking an active stance in climate change. Mostly as an excuse to try to get more viewers by insisting global warming is the reason all their women meteorologists are wearing shorter skirts.

A report says that 1 in 10 workers in North Carolina are foreign born. Those are mostly the people the state has been paying to go wading in the beach areas at least through the end of shark season.

An audit says that some Amtrak workers are claiming to have worked up to 40 hours a day. It’s the biggest case of time card padding since several members of Congress claimed to have once worked an eight hour day.

A survey says that marijuana prices are crashing in Colorado. Which won’t be anywhere near as much crashing as the pot smokers who can buy more weed and spend their entire day on the couch.

A survey says that marijuana prices are crashing in Colorado. More pot available at lower prices means if there was ever a time to invest in Domino’s Pizza, this is it.

Facebook can now recognize people in photos even if it can’t see their faces. Apparently it just compares the the food stains on their shirts and matches them to all the photos of meals they have posted over the years.

Angelina Jolie says we are living in an era of “mass displacement.” Mostly all the children from Third World countries that Jolie has adopted and brought back to the U.S.

Eateries in a southern Chinese town held an annual festival featuring dog and cat meat. Or as the rest of the country calls that, “Tuesday.”

Data says that U.S. adults have surpassed children in taking ADHD drugs to improve their focus. Remember the days when adults took drugs so they could become completely out of focus?

A study says that the number of people who are obese now outnumber those who are just overweight. Which means the battle for the chief mode of transportation is no longer between GM and Toyota, it’s down to Rascal versus Shoprider.

A study says that the number of people who are obese now outnumber those who are just overweight. Which means we have finally gotten to the point where fat is the new thin.

General Mills is dropping artificial ingredients from its cereals. Which means their latest breakfast food product will pretty much be a box of air.

A former Gulf Stream executive has been sentenced to 11 years in prison for embezzling $10 Million. What do you call someone who embezzles $50 Million? The average Gulf Stream customer.

A former Gulf Stream executive has been sentenced to 11 years in prison for embezzling $10 Million. The good news is that his sentence could have been much worse. The judge could have ordered him be restricted to flying coach.

A study says that increasing extreme weather events are linked to climate change. Although conservatives are still clinging to the argument if extreme weather is a recent phenomenon, how do climatologists explain Noah and his ark?

Airlines were forced to cancel 500 flights out of O’Hare International Airport on Monday. Or as United Airlines calls that, a pretty good start to the week.

South Carolina is eyeing taking the Confederate flag off the Statehouse grounds. Not only that, they are also considering removing the refrigerator and couch off the porch of the Capitol Building and moving the pickup truck off the lawn.

Chilean authorities have declared an environmental emergency across the country. It’s the biggest environmental disaster in South America since pretty much South America.

“Jurassic World” has become the fastest movie to ever gross $1 Billion, hitting the mark after only 13 days. It’s the fastest billion dollars ever made from dinosaur remains other than the same amount taken in about every ten minutes by Big Oil.

Niagara Bottling has recalled 14 brands of water for possible E. coli contamination. That’s what they get for filling all those bottles of fresh artesian spring water from the same garden hose.

Airline fees for checked bags and reservation changes hit a record in the first quarter. Mostly from passengers needing to rebook after their flight was canceled and having to pack three suitcases in case the airlines lose the other two.

KFC says a lab test proved that a “deep fried rat” that was turned in by a customer was actually a piece of chicken. They were pretty sure it was chicken all along because the piece was served extra crispy and rats are only offered in the original style.

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke says he is appalled at the decision to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 Bill. It’s almost as confounding a question to the average American as “Who was Alexander Hamilton?”

A study says CEO pay at the nation’s largest companies is 303 times that of the employees. Apparently they arrived at that number by dividing the CEO salaries by $7.35 an hour.

McDonald’s is packaging takeout food aimed at cyclists. The tricky part was pureeing a Big Mac so it could fit inside one of those detachable water bottles.

McDonald’s is packaging takeout food aimed at cyclists. The new meals come with two Quarter Pounders, a large order of fries and a defibrillator.

A report says that first time home buyers lifted home sales to their highest number in more than five years. Which will give them a chance to join everyone else in another few years to become first time mortgage foreclosees.

Experts are warning that the health risk from climate change is a “medical emergency.” Although if extreme weather events bring infectious diseases, poor nutrition and stress, it will make us all healthier in the long run by at least ending the obesity crisis.

The EPA says climate change could cost the U.S. $180 Billion by the end of the century. Mostly for all the money being paid to researchers to keep coming out with the latest scary scenarios of what climate change is going to do to us.

The EPA says climate change could cost the U.S. $180 Billion by the end of the century.  Which is actually a bargain compared to the amount of money going through Congress every day and the resulting damage they inflict on all of us.

Doctors say a woman in Australia was severely injured by staying in a squatting position long periods of time while wearing skinny jeans. And that was just while she was trying to put them on.

Doctors say a woman in Australia was severely injured by staying in a squatting position long periods of time while wearing skinny jeans. To which fashion experts say if they were really skinny jeans she shouldn’t have been able to squat in the first place.

The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists is discouraging pot use during pregnancy. Mostly just to stop their fetuses from kicking uncontrollably every time they pass a Domino’s.

The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists is discouraging pot use during pregnancy. The first sign a woman is smoking pot while pregnant is when she says one of the names they are considering for the baby is Little Caesar.

The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists is discouraging pot use during pregnancy. The first sign that a woman is smoking pot while pregnant is when she tries to check in to the maternity ward three months after she gives birth.

The CBO says 19 Million people could lose their health insurance if Obamacare is repealed. Which means all those people will never get the chance to find out what it is like to have coverage that allows them to sit three hours in a doctor’s waiting room and fight the next six months with their insurance company over the cost.

Studies say that mothers should be paid another $66,500 a year to make up for the stress cost of having children. Which coincidentally is exactly enough to cover the cost of hiring a nanny.

A study says that children who are good liars have superior memory skills. Mostly because you can’t be a good liar if you can’t remember which story you told to your boss, your wife and your girlfriend.

Doctors in Chile found a four pound fetus inside a 92 year old woman. Apparently she was holding off giving birth until she felt there was finally enough money in the kid’s college fund.

Sean “Diddy” Combs was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon for reportedly swinging a kettlebell weight at his son’s coach. Not to say rappers have gone soft, but that is almost as annoyingly upscale as trying to strangle someone with a yoga position.

Former “Star Wars” child actor Jake Lloyd was arrested in South Carolina after leading police on a high speed chase at more than 100 miles an hour. Apparently he raised suspicions when he was see driving the only vehicle in South Carolina without a rebel flag posted on the bumper.

Hugh Hefner says his former girlfriend Holly Madison has “chosen to rewrite history” in her memoir. Hefner says her claims that dating him was like being in the Paleozoic age is a complete exaggeration as he is not a day older than Mesozoic.

Amazon is testing paying self-published authors by the number of pages read instead of by the book. Which is good news for people writing self-help books for seniors who have to use a font large enough so that only one word fits on each page.

Amazon is testing paying self-published authors by the number of pages read instead of by the book. Which is bad news for murder mystery writers who find their readers like to save time by going straight to the last page to see who did it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you enjoyed this batch of my daily joke-fest. The good news is if you didn’t just wait another 24 hours and I will have another batch of equally bad humor. The quality control department here has a pretty easy job. Which is still easier than your job which is to make sure to remember every day to keep sending the love!

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that sitting down for too long is linked to anxiety. That amount of time can be for as little as five minutes if the person happens to be sitting in a seat on a United Airlines jet.

The number of pools built in California during the drought is the highest it has been in a decade. Although the reason they have been built is because of the drought, not for swimming but to have a place to hoard more water than their neighbors.

A study says the sixth mass extinction is already underway, and man is behind it. Although if you have looked at the lines at fast food restaurants, the only species involved are beef, chickens and whatever it is they put in their fish sandwiches.

A report says that the new iPhone will be thicker than the last. Which is ironic as the generation of people who sit around staring at their iPhone all day have found that has made them a little wider than the last.

Audi will be giving away a new pair of shoes with every car sale. The shoe manufacturer will also give some shoes away to the needy. Mostly GM vehicle owners who find they will need to do a lot more walking while their car is constantly in the shop for recalls.

A report says half of all distracted walking accidents involving a cellphone happen inside the home. The other half are from people walking around more outside because they don’t have a car since they wrecked it while texting behind the wheel.

A report says half of all distracted walking accidents involving a cellphone happen inside the home. Mostly men who are hit over the head with a frying pan when their wife finds out who the are texting.

Uber says it is changing its policy and will now ban drivers and passengers from carrying guns. The only question is why did Uber think it was ever a good idea to have a policy to allow it in the first place?

Uber says it is changing its policy and will now ban drivers and passengers from carrying guns. Apparently Uber saw the policy as a way to get an advantage over their  taxi cabs whose drivers still are limited to solving disputes with their middle finger.

46 doctors and nurses around the country have been arrested in a $712 Million Medicare fraud. It is the biggest health care fraud scheme ever uncovered since Medicare.

Honda is reporting its eighth death associated with faulty Takata airbags. Motorists are urged to get the airbags replaced immediately, unless they own a Prius that can’t go fast enough to ever cause the airbags to deploy in the first place.

The EPA is proposing tougher mileage standards for medium and heavy duty trucks. The changes could save millions of gallons of fuel, especially for the fact that the trucks with better mileage won’t have enough power to actually be able to carry any freight anywhere.

A report says that conservatives are frustrated with a recent drop in GOP votes from working women. Mostly because Republican economic policies mean women don’t have time to go to the polls now that they need three jobs to make ends meet.

A report says that conservatives are frustrated with a recent drop in GOP votes from working women. No matter what they do to try to get back working women, thanks to Bill Clinton the Democrats will always have the support of the working girls.

The Justice Department is suing BAE Systems for overcharging the Army millions of dollars for a fleet of trucks. To which the company says it should have instead sold them military jets which would have allowed them to overcharge for billions without being questioned.

The Justice Department is suing BAE Systems for overcharging the Army millions of dollars for a fleet of trucks. Whatever happened to the days when military suppliers were happy to just get away with charging $600 for a hammer?

A survey says that dads consider Band-Aid the number one perceived brand. Mostly because nothing keeps kids occupied better while dad watches football on TV all day than giving the kids a box of bandages to play with.

A report says that an appeal of Obamacare would raise the deficit and cost millions their  health insurance. The only positive point of the attempt to repeal the law is that it has given Republican members of Congress something to do the past five years.

Federal officials have slammed Fiat Chrysler for their lax safety efforts. To which Chrysler says it’s just nice to hear someone criticizing them for something other than their lack of quality control, value and dependability.

Comcast founder Ralph Roberts has died at age 95. His funeral is scheduled for between 8 and 5 Monday through Friday sometime during the next two weeks.

Hillary Clinton made a strong plea for gun control in a speech over the weekend. She has shown that firearms are unnecessary to keep the peace just as long as you have good aim at throwing pieces of China.

A report says the new movie “Inside Out” reflects the realities and fantasies of neuroscience. Which has never been done with movies before, except for trying to figure out what makes some people pay $8 to see an Adam Sandler film.

Hawaii has become the first state to raise the legal smoking age to 21. Now all they have to do is come up with a law to ban men from wearing Speedos on the beach.

Hawaii has become the first state to raise the legal smoking age to 21. Although that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to health issues for the state that has the world’s largest consumption rate of Spam.

Scientists say the human body contains around 37.2 Trillion cells. Apparently it used to be just a few billion but today’s modern body just needs more space to store all the fat.

Scientists say the human body contains around 37.2 Trillion cells. The only difference is that in past generations there were actually more brain cells than fat cells.

A new study predicts the rate of starvation that would take place during a pandemic. Which is ironic since a widespread outbreak of disease would get started in the first place because of our lack of resistance to illness from becoming so obese.

A study says that preschoolers’ sense of justice is more developed than previously thought. Other than the continuing practice of social banishment for even being suspected of being a carrier of Cooties.

The FDA has approved a device that lets the blind “see” with their tongues. This is not the first case of people being able to see with their tongue. Just ask any woman who has dated Gene Simmons.

17 people were hospitalized after possible chemical exposure at a California water park. Or as chemically polluted water is called in California, “water.”

17 people were hospitalized after possible chemical exposure at a California water park. People were shocked. Who would have thought there would be any injury sustained at a water park in California during a serious drought other than friction burns?

New York is planning to require all seventh graders to receive meningitis shots. A similar measure was considered in Alabama until they realized it’s not necessary since the only people in the state who ever make it to seventh grade are already in their mid 20s.

A study says that six hours of sleep a night or less is associated with heart attacks, strokes and obesity. Mostly when the people get only six hours of sleep because they are spending the other 18 hours of the day eating.

Radio listeners were angered when an NPR radio program had Kim Kardashian on as a guest. Media experts were surprised. People who listen to NPR know who Kim Kardashian is?

Radio listeners were angered when an NPR radio program had Kim Kardashian on as a guest. The program is now worried that it may lose donations from both its subscribers.

Radio listeners were angered when an NPR radio program had Kim Kardashian on as a guest for a segment called “Not my job.” Mostly because the answer to the question of what is not Kim Kardashian’s job was too easy. The harder question would be what IS Kim Kardashian’s job?

Brian Williams apologized to viewers on “Today” but would not say the words “I lied.” Although it was a little awkward when Matt Lauer had to grab the studio fire extinguisher to put out the flames coming out of Williams’ pants.

Sergio Garcia says playing the U.S. Open on a course with greens like those at Chambers Bay would be like playing the NBA Finals on a court with holes and slopes. Which hasn’t happened since 2010, the last time they were played at Boston Garden.

The Pac-12 may become the first conference where schools will pay for post college medical expenses for sports injuries. Which wouldn’t be necessary if some of the college athletes would actually graduate once in awhile so they could get a job that pays for health insurance.

The Pac-12 may become the first conference where schools will pay for post college medical expenses for sports injuries. Mostly because they don’t need insurance for any accidents that might happen while going to or being inside a classroom.

Jaguar Land Rover is researching NASA technology to use the steering wheel to monitor people’s brain waves to determine when people are distracted. Mostly when they completely let go of the wheel to talk and send text messages on their cellphone.

A Samsung ad is calling selfie stick users “cave people.” Especially people who are taking selfies while they are waiting in line for “Jurassic World” thinking they are about to see some sort of documentary.

Ancient graffiti found in Turkey reveals details what life was like, including gladiator fights. As opposed to modern society, which has evolved enough to be able to take the same sports-related messages and make them visible to many more people through the technology known as T-shirts and bumper stickers.

A study says that one in three data servers are using energy while putting out no useful information. No one had any idea there was that much equipment still in operation over at AOL.

A report says the most popular channels on TV are the major networks and the Discovery Channel. Although Discovery may be in trouble now that “Shark Week” is being taken over by the Travel Channel with their vacation tours of North Carolina.

A survey says that most cable TV viewers want only 17 channels for a monthly fee of $38. For the elderly, those 17 channels include CBS, CSPAN and the other 15 settings programmed for Fox News.

A survey says that most cable TV viewers want only 17 channels for a monthly fee of $38. Which for cable companies means for that price will offer 16 infomercial and home shopping networks along with the TV Guide Channel.

A report says the government has tested facial recognition technology on thousands of passengers at Washington, D.C.’s Dulles International Airport. It hasn’t helped identify any terrorists, but they do know that people with sour or pained facial expressions are usually a lock to be the ones who have just flown United.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Happy Fathers’ Day to all you dads out there. And to all you moms who take care of them and do everything for them while they sit around and do nothing to help around the house on their special day. Otherwise known as “every day.” It’s nice to know that all the sacrifice and financial burdens that come from raising a family are returned on this special day when you open the box and see all your efforts were worth a gag tie with featuring the Simpsons. However, one thing your kids are always there for is what I just ask for once in awhile, that you remember to take some time to send the love!