Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A poll says that 77% of Americans want undocumented aliens returned home. The other 23% want to at least wait until they get their lawns mowed and have a chance to go out to dinner this week.

A poll says that 77% of Americans want undocumented aliens returned home. The other 23% couldn’t answer the survey without an interpreter.

Some UK scientists are accusing the government of misleading the public about invitro fertilization policies that could lead to genetically modified babies. The one way to tell is a baby has been modified genetically is when their parents are caught taking them to see a dentist.

A new app helps teens combat everyday anxiety. Don’t we already have a device on smartphones that combats anxiety? It’s called the off button.

A study says that exposure to the sun lowers the chance of getting ovarian. esophageal and pancreatic cancer. The only question is what position do you have to lie in to get direct sunlight on your ovaries, esophagus and pancreas?

A study says that exposure to the sun lowers the chance of getting ovarian. esophageal and pancreatic cancer. Direct sunlight also helps avoid carpal tunnel syndrome, especially in kids who develop it staying in the basement all day playing video games.

A study says that fist bumps spread 90% fewer germs than handshakes. They also result in 90% fewer offers of employment when you try one at a job interview.

A study says that fist bumps spread 90% fewer germs than handshakes. It’s also a lot less embarrassing than getting mustard all over the other person’s hand after you shake hands after eating a ham sandwich.

A 3 year old in Oregon took the brake off the family jeep causing it to crash and then went home to watch cartoons. Or as Billy Joel calls that, a pretty good Saturday night.

The White House is angry over Israeli criticism of Secretary of State John Kerry. Although Kerry himself doesn’t mind because it reminds him of the days when he was running for President.

The band director at Ohio State University says he was fired because of a “flawed” report claiming an environment of sexual harassment. The good news is that he has been offered the band director position over at Penn State.

The band director at Ohio State University says he was fired because of a “flawed” report claiming an environment of sexual harassment. The impressive part was that his statement was spelled out by the marching band in script.

Georgia has filed criminal charges against former President Mikheil Saakashvili. Tea Party members were initially excited when they heard about Georgia and criminal charges against a former President thinking it had something to do with Jimmy Carter.

A study says that running any distance at any speed reduces the risk of death. Except for people who only run to the refrigerator and back to the couch during commercial breaks.

Three Pakistanis were killed by a mob after being accused of posting blasphemous material on Facebook. That will teach them to use Facebook for anything other than posting pictures of what they are eating for breakfast.

Dollar Tree is trying to buy Family Dollar for $8.5 Billion. The hardest part will be counting the 8.5 Billion ones used in the sale.

Dollar Tree is trying to buy Family Dollar for $8.5 Billion. Would that make it the Family Tree store?

New products from Silicon Valley are offering users a good night’s sleep. The best way to guarantee that is to turn off all the Silicon Valley made smartphones, laptops and tablets that we stay up using all night.

The FAA says it wants shorter buildings near U.S. airports. How fat are we that our planes are even having trouble lifting a full load of passengers high enough to get over the nearby roofs?

A study says that 40% of grandparents spend at least $500 a year on their grandchildren. Mostly to pay for daycare so they don’t get stuck as permanent babysitters.

A study says that 40% of grandparents spend at least $500 a year on their grandchildren. Which works out to about $100 for video games, $100 for weed and the other $300 for bail money.

A study says that 40% of grandparents spend at least $500 a year on their grandchildren. The other 60% are asking their grandchildren if they can spot them a couple hundred from their college fund until their Social Security check arrives.

The government says that Medicare and Social Security will be solvent until at least 2030. The only question is whether the same can be said about the government.

General Mills is taking action to try to prevent climate change. For one thing, they are working on cutting back methane emissions by lowering the amount of fiber they are putting in all their cereals.

Smith & Wesson will pay a $2 Million fine for making bribes to win government contracts in other countries. Why they felt the need to make bribes to complete the deals is unknown. It’s not like anyone was holding a gun to their heads.

A Los Angeles judge has approved the sale of the Clippers to Steve Ballmer for $2 Billion. The trial hinged on the sanity of Donald Sterling over his bizarre behavior, and even more on the sanity of Ballmer for thinking the Clippers are worth $2 Billion.

A report says global business travel is expected to exceed $1.2 Trillion this year. There would be a lot less money spent on company trips except for most the business that is done is monkey, funny and none-of-your.

EBay will experiment on selling auto mechanics’ services along with car parts. They got the idea since that is the first thing anyone asks about within a few minutes after using eBay to buy a Chrysler.

The House has voted to let airlines advertise pre-tax air fares to make the prices seem lower. The airlines know they are OK as long as they don’t have to reveal all the fees they stick their passengers with from takeoff to landing.

Southwest Airlines has been fined $12 Million for failing to make repairs on some of their planes. As opposed to United Airlines which saves money on repairs as they delay and cancel their flights to the point where none of their planes actually ever fly anywhere.

Google is seeking “human guinea pigs” for a health study. Mostly because for once they want to enable people who looking up health information by googling it to find something that isn’t completely false.

A study says that tonsillectomies to cure sleep apnea often result in weight gain. Apparently kids start getting fatter when they find without tonsils in the way they can stuff even more food down their throats.

Joseph Simmons from Run-D.M.C. is rapping about his battle with diabetes. The musical genre has mellowed. It’s not like the old days when rappers didn’t have to worry about living long enough to develop Type 2 Diabetes.

Joseph Simmons from Run-D.M.C. is rapping about his battle with diabetes. The musical genre has mellowed. It’s not like the old days when getting shot up to a rapper meant with lead instead of insulin.

A study says that determining if a person is attractive takes 100 milliseconds. Which is still longer than it has taken Britney Spears to get married.

A study says that determining if a person is attractive takes 100 milliseconds. Which is still 99 milliseconds longer than if the person is Beyonce.

Whoopi Goldberg says the lineup of “The View” could be “six turtles at the table” for all she knows. Which would be great for any guests on the show who might actually be able to finally get a word in edgewise.

Kate Upton says she “begged” for her body. Which is a coincidence as any men around the world who have access to the Internet have pretty much done the same thing.

Freddie Prinze, Jr. says that working with Kiefer Sutherland made him want to quit acting. To which most people are saying “Freddie Prinze, Jr. is still acting?”

Khloe Kardashian says she “feels guilty” about some of the problems her brother Rob Kardashian is going through. The question is, when is she going to start feeling guilty about being a part of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”?

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has accepted a plea deal after being arrested for assaulting his brother last month. Or as being arrested is known to cast members of “Jersey Shore,” a reality show audition.

A report says that Kanye West micromanages Kim Kardashian’s life, making her his personal mannequin. Which is actually an image upgrade from what everyone thinks about her who watches “The Kardashians.”

A jury is reportedly deadlocked in the defamation trial of Jesse Ventura. The question is, if someone wanted to damage Jesse Ventura’s reputation why would they even need to make something up?

A Johnny Manziel autographed Texas A&M game jersey is expected to fetch as much as $100,000 at auction. Which at Texas A&M breaks down to $25 for the jersey and the rest to pay Manziel for an autograph signing.

Philadelphia Eagles coach Chip Kelly says that “draft hype” is the worst thing in the NFL. That is if you aren’t the abused wife of a player or a former player trying to remember what years you played for which teams in the league.

The New York Giants want Eli Manning to complete 70% of his passes this year. To which the NCAA is also stepping it up, saying they would like college football players to complete 70% of their courses this year.

The New York Giants want Eli Manning to complete 70% of his passes this year. Which he did last year. The difference is that this year the team won’t let him count the ones caught by the other team.

A golfer claims to have found a ball lost by President Obama at Congressional Country Club. Now all someone has to do is find his economic, foreign and immigration policies.

Baltimore Ravens fans cheered Ray Rice who practiced following charges of domestic violence. Fans were just glad to have someone on the team named Ray who was arrested for something less than murder.

Phoenix Suns forward P.J. Tucker was arrested for “super extreme DUI” by Scottsdale Police. His blood alcohol level was reported at .222. The worst part is that percentage still puts him higher in the standings than the Milwaukee Bucks.

The Mars Rover has traveled more than 25 miles, setting the record for mileage traveled off of Earth. In fact, that puts it just ahead of the expected mileage traveled by any Chryslers that are on Earth.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I’ll leave it at this many today as I figure I’ve already wasted enough of your time. I need to save a little ammunition to wreck your day tomorrow. My motto is always leave ‘em with a laugh, or at least around 50 something attempts at it. All you need to do to spur me on for another day of this is to make sure to remember to send the love!

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


The Israeli Ambassador to the U.S. ripped CNN for its coverage of the Gaza conflict. People were surprised. They had no idea CNN was covering anything other than missing Malaysia Airline flight 370.

The Israeli Ambassador to the U.S. rilled CNN for its coverage of the Gaza conflict. Apparently the Israelis are worried about making sure their side of the conflict is presented to all seven CNN viewers.

Israel and Hamas agreed to a 24 hour cease fire over the weekend. Middle East experts say it went so well that it may take even less than the next 5,000 years to have another day of peace declared there.

The government is reportedly cracking down on school bake sales as part of the overhaul of nutritional standards. Along with the fact that the only students who like baked goods are the ones that don’t like to ingest pot by smoking it.

Casey Kasem’s body has reportedly been found in a funeral home in Montreal. He died six weeks ago. When they make a movie of his life story, at this point they can just make the second half a remake of “Weekend At Bernie’s.”

The Pentagon is reportedly seeking technology to predict societal unrest. Ironically, most societal unrest is usually from people being angry with the latest military invasion.

Buzzfeed has fired its political editor for plagiarism. The worst part is he is being accused of lifting work from Montana Senator John Walsh.

A Bluetooth connected smart shoe vibrates to give the person directions to where they are going. Which would be a great idea if anyone still actually walked anywhere.

A Bluetooth connected smart shoe vibrates to give the person directions to where they are going. Which means that people can now text with their smartphone while walking instead of having to actually look at their GPS app to see where they are going.

A Bluetooth connected smart shoe vibrates to give the person directions to where they are going. Or they could actually just put down their phones for a few minutes and actually look to see where they are going.

Fast food workers are threatening civil disobedience over low pay. Some are threatening to occupy restaurants and hinder business operations. Otherwise known to many fast food employees as “going to work.”

A poll says that one third of Americans favor impeaching President Obama. The other two thirds don’t regularly watch Fox News.

Federal researchers are studying how stoned is too stoned to drive. So far the standard revolves around the driver’s ability to go past a Mrs. Field’s Cookies or Domino's Pizza store without having to park in the middle of the road to run inside to make an order.

Mark Hamill says his return to “Star Wars” after 30 years is “a gift.” Which wouldn’t have been necessary if he had ever been given the gift of acting.

President Obama says the U.S. should “embrace an economic patriotism that says we rise or fall together.” To which everyone is saying we’ve already done the fall part, when are we going to see things start to rise?

A report says that Chinese homebuyers are flocking to the U.S. It’s a tradeoff. We go to Wal-Mart to buy cheap foreign made goods and they do the same at Century 21.

Some upscale hotels are offering star vacation packages that even come with paparazzi to follow guests around and take their pictures. Although it turns out the photographers just get in the way of the guests while they are busy spending their whole vacation just taking selfies.

A study says that people take it personally when their Facebook friends deactivate their pages, going so far as trying to convince them to come back. Apparently they can’t stand the idea of losing even one potential person to show what they have eaten for breakfast.

Gum manufacturers are trying to fight sagging sales with new flavors which even includes beef. How fat are we getting that the only way to attract someone is to make sure your breath smells like a porterhouse steak?

Credit card thieves are using “skimmers” at ATMs, gas pumps and restaurants to steal account numbers. It’s easy to get away with it since people are already used to seeing all their money regularly taken by restaurants, banks and oil companies.

McDonald’s has pulled McNuggets off the menu in their Hong Kong restaurants after a meat scare in China. Restaurant officials are trying to find out first of all how any meat ended up in McNuggets in the first place?

Melting in the Arctic has paved the way for $20,000 luxury cruises to areas now void of any ice. Which ironically can only be afforded by oil company executives who caused global warming and the millionaires who don’t believe it is happening.

The New York Metropolitan Opera is facing the possibility of a lockout as management is trying to force workers to take a 17% pay cut. If performer are paid any less, the shows will all end when the emaciated woman sings.

A survey says that 88% of Americans say they work more than 40 hours a week. The bad part is that is the amount of time they are spending trying to find a job.

A survey says that 88% of Americans say they work more than 40 hours a week. The other 12% don’t have to put in as much time because they don’t spend the majority of their day in the office looking at Facebook.

Russia is taking aim at McDonald’s over sanitary violations as ties with the U.S. are getting worse. How fat is the planet getting when escalation of the Cold War has seen the focus change from nuclear annihilation to sanctions over the Big Mac?

Zebra meat is becoming an option as a low fat red meat that is leaner than chicken. Which may help explain the sudden mysterious disappearance of several workers at Footlocker.

A minor league baseball general manager in Myrtle Beach was given a prostate exam during the 7th inning stretch at a game. Which means he now knows how players feel during contract negotiations.

A minor league baseball general manager in Myrtle Beach was given a prostate exam during the 7th inning stretch at a game. Even more interesting is that it was given while he was singing “Take Me Out To The Ballgaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!”

A report says that lawn chemicals can stay in a person’s body for years and even decades. The good news is that while the chemicals might kill you early, at least you will always have the best looking grave site with no weeds and plenty of lush green grass.

Dental surgeons in India removed 232 teeth from a teenager with a rare medical condition. Or as 232 teenagers’ teeth is known in the U.S., high school dental hygiene week in Alabama.

Dental surgeons in India removed 232 teeth from a teenager with a rare medical condition. The good news is that his medical bill was covered by the $45,000 he got from the Tooth Fairy.

Megan Fox, speaking at Comic-Con says she believes in Bigfoot. Which is almost as crazy an idea as anyone attending Comic-Con who thinks they have a chance at someday dating Megan Fox.

Taylor Swift responded to a fan’s Instagram question asking about unrequited love. To which Swift told her to just go for it, get dumped and make a music career writing songs about it.

Aretha Franklin was reportedly told by an employee at a Johnny Rockets restaurant she couldn’t eat her order there because she ordered it to go. What is the world coming to when the Queen of Soul can’t get any R-E-S-P-E-C-T?

Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay hand handing out $100 bills to fans during training camp. The fans can save the bills and use them to buy an 8 ounce beer during the regular season at a Colts game.

Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay hand handing out $100 bills to fans during training camp. Which answers the question as to whether he has laid off the booze after his DUI arrest.

Byron Scott has been named the new coach of the L.A. Lakers. He says he is looking forward to the new position, just as long as Kobe Bryant doesn’t pack so much into his suitcases on road trips that they are too hard to lift.

A study says that companies with narcissistic CEOs tend to have higher stock prices than those with less egotistical leaders. The hardest part of the study was finding that one company for comparison that didn’t have a narcissistic CEO.

A study says that companies with narcissistic CEOs tend to have higher stock prices than those with less egotistical leaders. To which most CEOs are saying “We told you so.”

A study says that companies with narcissistic CEOs tend to have higher stock prices than those with less egotistical leaders. If that was true, The Trump Organization should be sitting on top of the Dow Jones Average every week.

A study says that U.K. parents spoil their children with gadgets that they spend $500 a year to buy. Mostly because it’s not like they have other things to spend the $500 on for their children, like dental checkups.

A study says that California could be running completely on renewable energy by 2050. Mostly because with no jobs and no water left in the state from the economic crash and drought, the last person left will just need a couple of D batteries for their flashlight while checking out.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, here they are. That’s all I have to say. If you read them and laugh, that’s good. If not, let’s try again tomorrow. I will get this right yet. All I ever ask in return is that you send the love! Or a million dollars. So far I have had better luck with the love. But it’s always worth a try!


Friday, July 25, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says a massive solar storm just missed the Earth two years ago that could have crippled technology and “pushed us back into the Stone Age” for days. People under 30 shuddered at the thought of actually having to put down their cellphones and talk to someone face to face.

A report says a massive solar storm just missed the Earth two years ago that could have crippled technology and “pushed us back into the Stone Age” for days. Which would be good news for Louisiana which would have gone through it with no problems as the state’s most advanced technology is a duck call.

The Emmy Awards have been moved to a Monday night this year which because of L.A. traffic has caused the TV Academy to call for fewer limos and encourage carpooling. Which means if Jerry Seinfeld was nominated for “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” he could pretty much shoot an episode on the way to pick up his award.

The Emmy Awards have been moved to a Monday night this year which because of L.A. traffic has caused the TV Academy to call for fewer limos and encourage carpooling. Most stars consider taking a limo as carpooling since there is also a driver in the car.

A report says that Facebook is now worth $195 Billion. Who would have through that much value would be put on a site where people could acquire so many friends they don’t even know so they can show them what they are eating for breakfast?

A smartphone app can reportedly repel mosquitoes by emitting annoying high pitched frequencies. Researchers came up with the idea after one of them saw his daughter was never bothered by insects while she played Justin Bieber on her iPod.

Jane Fonda says that if Rupert Murdoch takes over Time Warner it would be “a catastrophe.” Mostly because Time Warner is already a catastrophe no matter who owns it.

A doctor at Emory University says that dogs can understand what humans say. As long as what they say is “cookie,” “ride” or “walk.”

Arizona botched an execution that took two hours for the inmate to die. It took so long the official cause of death was listed as old age.

A new implantable chip that could be used for birth control is being worked on to make sure it can’t be hacked into. And people think it was bad when hackers would break into their system to place a few spam ads.

A new implantable chip that could be used for birth control is being worked on to make sure it can’t be hacked into. It would be the one way computer geeks could actually be responsible for getting a woman pregnant.

A new workout wristband shocks users when they don’t meet their fitness goals. Don’t we already have something like that? It’s called a defibrillator.

A pregnant Georgia teenager is suing her school for a Title IX violation, saying she should be able to complete her courses at home until she delivers her baby. Wouldn’t you know that the one class she already completed at home ahead of schedule is sex education?

Norway is warning of an imminent terror threat. Apparently some jihadists are seeking revenge for a previous visit to the country where someone served them lutefisk.

A growing influx of musk oxen in Alaska is prompting officials to organize a hunt. The hunt could be used to thin the herd, provide food for natives and most importantly open up a photo op for Sarah Palin.

Crime on cruise ships is the focus of a Senate hearing. No one even knew Kathie Lee Gifford was still performing on Carnival Cruise Lines.

Crime on cruise ships is the focus of a Senate hearing. Once they figure out how people can avoid being ripped off while in the buffet line on a cruise ship, they can get back to work on that Hamas and Israel thing that is going on.

A study says the Colorado River Basin is drying up faster than previously thought. Apparently now that Colorado has legalized pot, everyone there is using all the available water to fill their bongs.

McDonald’s is giving itself 18 months to rebrand itself with better service, value and menu items. In other words, they are going to stop being McDonald’s.

A poll says that 1 in 5 microbusiness owners took no vacation last year. Which is better than the other 4 who were on “vacation” 50 weeks of the year while waiting for some customers.

A report says that people don’t need to save as much for retirement if they work until they are 70. The trick is getting a job that actually pays enough to put something away before you are 70.

A report says that people don’t need to save as much for retirement if they work until they are 70. Which is even better news for people who aren’t putting anything away who are planning to work until they are 90.

Dick’s Sporting Goods has laid off more than 400 PGA golf pros. Which is bad news for anyone who was hoping how to hit a cut 8 iron over the shoe section, through the exercise department and stopping the ball with backspin by the fly fishing rods.

The country with the highest cost of living is Norway, where it now costs nearly $8 for a Big Mac. Although the main reason for that is people will pay whatever it takes to keep from eating any more meatcakes, sodd or lutefisk. (Two jokes in one day that feature lutefisk. That has to be a record!)

A report says that widespread layoffs are becoming more uncommon in the U.S. Mostly because it costs more for the paperwork involved than to just keep paying their workforce who are all part time minimum wage employees.

Data says that Millennials are staying away from golf as a result of the “Tiger Woods effect.” Not because he is playing less and not winning as much, but because they saw what happens when your wife catches you cheating and comes after you with your own 9 iron.

A diversity report shows that Twitter’s workforce is made up of mostly white and Asian men. So is the PGA Tour but no one has made an issue about that for the past 60 years.

Real estate site Zillow is seeing to buy its rival Trulia. Apparently it couldn’t resist its offices in San Francisco and New York that have a charming, rustic quality while still close to urban amenities all at a very affordable price with good neighborhood schools.

6.8 Million Americans will reportedly get a refund from their health insurance companies because of Obamacare. The rest don’t even have to pay premiums anymore since their policies were canceled because of Obamacare.

A study says that being an early bird or a night owl can affect a person’s quality of life. Especially when an early bird wife catches her night owl husband sneaking in at four in the morning.

A study says that where a person looks reveals if they are feeling love or lust. People who look at others’ faces are more interested in love. The rest are men.

A study says that 4 out of 5 Americans over age 67 suffer from a chronic medical condition. It’s called “getting old.”

A study says that watching TV to relieve stress can make people feel like a failure. Especially when they realize they just wasted an hour of their life watching “The Kardashians.”

An ancient skeleton dating back 100,000 years may reveal the oldest known case of brain damage. Up until now the oldest cases were thought to be found somewhere in either the House of Representatives or the Senate.

A study says that dogs can get jealous over the love of their masters. This is nothing new, women have known the same thing about men for centuries.

Actor Nelsan Ellis reportedly quit working on “True Blood” because he didn’t want to play a gay vampire. What vampire isn’t gay? How else do you explain people who want to live in a castle, wear capes and never go out in the direct sunlight?

Queen Elizabeth II photobombed several selfies at a girls hockey match. It was the most photobombs ever taken by a member of the Royal Family since several hundred were taken that were believed to be Duchess Camilla at the Irish Derby.

Weird Al Yankovic has his first #1 album ever. Mostly because all the rest of his albums were pretty much considered #2.

A second casino has cancelled Ted Nugent performances because his “racist attitudes and views.” Which could have been avoided if someone at the casinos had actually ever listened to Ted Nugent sing or speak in the past 30 years.

A second casino has cancelled Ted Nugent performances because his “racist attitudes and views.” Although it may also have something to do with people just not wanting to see a 50 year old man parade around on stage wearing nothing but a loincloth.

The Texas Longhorns football media guide misspelled the word “Texas.” Apparently someone made the mistake of hiring one of the football team members as a proofreader.

Jacksonville Jaguars receiver Justin Blackmon has been arrested for possession of pot. That’s what happens when your agent tells you that you are a lock to be drafted by either Denver or Seattle.

A 101 year old New York man is being honored by the National Weather Service for making daily weather observations since the 1930s. Not to say he’s old, but he believes in global warming because it’s so much hotter now than it was back in the Ice Age.

A study says that male octopuses that are not well endowed are strangled and eaten by their mates. Knowing that will make it a lot easier for men to take when a woman just giggles at his privates.

Major League baseball is complaining about the Net Neutrality proposal that could slow down the Internet. You know things are bad when even baseball is asking it to speed things up.

GM has reported a small profit despite all the recalls it has issued this year. Mostly because they worked it out where they get a cut of all the vending machine sales at dealership repair shops from people snacking while they wait for their cars to be fixed.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg saw his net worth grown $1.6 Billion in one day as the company stock price soared. His net worth is now $33.3 Billion, which ironically is still a much better way to attract all kinds of new friends than having a page on Facebook.

Facebook briefly passed the market value of IBM. Of course, the way things are going for IBM it is on track in a couple of years to pass the market value of Pets.com.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for reading the blog. Thanks even more for reading the blog and not sending in any threatening remarks. Hope you all have a great weekend and we’ll do it all again next week. Just pray that something funny happens over the weekend to help out here. Or you can always just make sure to remember to send the love!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Agencies are forming around the country to help seniors find roommates so they can make some extra income and stay in their homes. It’s also good for seniors who want to move out of their own homes for some peace and quiet because their children and grandchildren have moved back into their basement.

The country’s oldest golf magazine, Golf World has gone all digital. It was the biggest digital headline in golf since Elin Nordegren caught Tiger Woods sexting all his girlfriends.

New York City has been named the “least happy city” in the country. Which means maybe they need to let them have their large sodas back again.

New York City has been named the “least happy city” in the country. Especially for the people whose view is obstructed by at least one sign saying “Trump.”

New York City has been named the “least happy city” in the country. At least that is the interpretation of survey takers who had most of their questions answered with a middle finger.

A poll says that 67% of Americans say the country is becoming more divided. The other 33% say the people who say that have no idea of what they are talking about.

DreamWorks CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg will be awarded the National Medal of the Arts by President Obama. With a corporate CEO receiving the medal it pretty much means that making a lot of money is now considered an art into itself.

130 environmental groups are calling for the end of capitalism. They are seeking to get their message out but to do that say they will need to raise money through some sort of corporate sponsorship.

130 environmental groups are calling for the end of capitalism. Mostly because people become environmentalists because they have no real job skills.

The Defense Department says that all Pentagon operations both in the U.S. and abroad are threatened by climate change. Mostly because if climate change forces us to get away from oil, we won’t have a reason to invade any more Middle East countries.

The National Weather Service in Wisconsin detected a mayfly hatch on Radar that was described as being in biblical proportions. It was so bad the Weather Service forecast called for storms of fire, boils and water turning into blood.

Several Mexican bishops have been taking intensive exorcism courses. Their goal is to remove all demons by having them also head north and sneak across the U.S. border.

A poll says that Darth Vader is more popular than all of the potential 2016 presidential candidates. Which means that the Republican Party could be starting a “draft Dick Cheney” movement.

A McDonald’s worker in Pennsylvania has been arrested for selling crack cocaine at work. The worst part is that it was much healthier for customers than the food he was serving.

Montana Democratic Senator John Walsh is being accused of writing a thesis while in the military that “presented the work of others.” Which is no big deal since the whole idea of getting into public office is having others do your work for you.

Montana Democratic Senator John Walsh is being accused of writing a thesis while in the military that “presented the work of others.” He probably wouldn’t have been caught if he had used something more modern than calling for a strategy of deploying the Phalanx and riding elephants to invade over mountain ranges.

An initiative for marijuana legalization has made it on to the November ballot in Oregon. The only problem will be making sure supporters think the election is in October so they will make it to the polls on time.

An Egyptian judge explained the harsh sentence he gave Al-Jazeera journalists, saying they “did the devil’s work.” To which Republican politicians are now saying maybe there is something to adopting Sharia Law.

A Florida car dealership paid off a woman who filed a complaint her refund in pennies. To which GM asked about the lawsuits against their company over defective parts, “How many pennies are there in a million dollars?”

A Florida car dealership paid off a woman who filed a complaint her refund in pennies. Chrysler says they would never pull such a stunt. If they had to refund the value of one of their cars, they would just give the customer a full dime.

Insurance companies are claiming that scooters used by the disabled and elderly should be insured just like cars. If that works, their next plan is to see how much money they can charge to insure baby carriages and beds for the terminally ill.

A Detroit water project is taking donations to pay residents’ delinquent water bills. They also have a place on their website to click on for anyone who has $18 Billion they would like to give to bail out the city from bankruptcy.

Six new GM recalls have been announced that will affect 700,000 vehicles. That is in addition to the 60 recalls for another 26.4 Million vehicles this year. At this point it would be a lot easier for GM to just refer to the number of cars that haven’t had to be called back in for repairs.

A “pristine” issue of the original Superman comic book will go up for auction in August on e-Bay and is expected to fetch several million dollars. Worldwide bidding probably isn’t necessary as it is a pretty sure bet that when you are talking about a comic book selling for a lot of money, the winning offer is going to becoming from Silicon Valley.

The Post Office is delivering mail after dark in several cities due to cutbacks in the work force. Which is no big deal to most people that there is no light on the routes since it isn’t like mail carriers ever look at the addresses on the envelopes anyway.

Authorities are cracking down on mortgage relief scams across the country. Although this could have all been avoided if they would have only cracked down on some of the companies that were offering bad mortgages that forced people to look for relief in the first place.

The U.S. military is being scrutinized over trash burning in Afghanistan. To which the military says those aren’t piles of burning trash, they are pretty much just the remains of all the cities we invaded.

A study says that parents of obese children think they are healthy. Possibly because when they stand next to their parents, they still look like they are in pretty good shape.

A study says that children are still learning to read past the fifth grade, which is longer than was originally thought. Which isn’t too hard to believe with the number of high school seniors who are still functionally illiterate.

A study says that fetuses can learn nursery rhymes from their mother’s voice. Which can lead to confused babies who are born already asking why would someone bake four and twenty blackbirds in a pie?

A survey says that teenagers’ use of Human Growth Hormone is on the rise. Although most teenagers are still getting bigger because of the street legal growth hormone known as “donuts.”

A study says that many obese kids think they are thinner than they really are. Which could lead to the discovery of a new condition called “reverse anorexia.”

A study says that organic produce is healthier than vegetables and fruit grown conventionally. The study may be a bit incomplete as so far researchers could only rely on information from the three people they found who actually eat fruit and vegetables.

GLAAD says there were only four gay characters out of 43 action, science fiction or fantasy movies they reviewed. No one even knew that Tom Cruise played that many roles last year.

A study shows how swinging the arms can affect how a person runs. For instance, people who swing their arms to bring the donut from the box to their mouth probably don’t run much at all.

Garth Brooks could pass Elvis Presley in total sales if he releases his music digitally. It would be the second time he goes past Elvis this year as he now weighs 50 pounds more than even fat Elvis.

Britney Spears is launching a line of lingerie. Or as Spears refers to revealing undergarments, “work clothes.”

Adele’s 1 year old son has won a lawsuit against paparazzi for ruining his “milestone moments.” After all, how would you like someone taking snapshots of the first time you used a big boy potty chair?

Adele’s 1 year old son has won a lawsuit against paparazzi for ruining his “milestone moments.” As opposed to most other parents who biggest fear is not having a camera nearby when their children are having their milestone moments.

Duran Duran is suing their own fan club, accusing them of not paying them promised revenue. The fan club says they should be the ones getting paid for actually being able to find a few people who still know who Duran Duran is.

Duran Duran is suing their own fan club, accusing them of not paying them promised revenue. The suit will more than likely be dropped as their fans pretty much decide they are no longer fans.

Duran Duran is suing their own fan club, accusing them of not paying them promised revenue. The organization says it couldn’t pay the group as they needed the money to install wheelchair ramps and other access for the elderly at their fan club headquarters.

Weird Al Yankovic’s new album “Mandatory Fun” is topping the Billboard 200 chart. Mostly because they couldn’t find 199 other album releases to fill the rest of the spots.

Stephen Colbert’s “Late Show” will stay in New York City, which will give CBS $11 Million in tax credits. Which makes it the biggest CBS write off this year other than “Two Broke Girls.”

Stephen Colbert’s “Late Show” will stay in New York City, which will give CBS $11 Million in tax credits. Which still pales in comparison to the write off CBS gets every year for claiming all their viewers as elderly dependents.

A lawsuit by a clothing company says that “Duck Dynasty” stole an idea from them. Viewers were shocked. The people on “Duck Dynasty” have had an idea?

A lawsuit by a clothing company says that “Duck Dynasty” stole the idea of “My favorite color is camo” from them. Which means they all pretty much have to admit the first ones who came up with that thought were the military.

Mark McGwire says he wants nothing to do with reconciliation attempts by Jose Canseco. Some day both men will make it into the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. All they need to do is pay the admission fee like everyone else.

A report says that Steve Ballmer’s $2 Billion offer for the Clippers is double the value put on the team by the Bank of America. Which makes sense because Ballmer’s $21 Billion Microsoft fortune is about 1,000 times over the value most people would put on Microsoft stock.

A report says that Steve Ballmer’s $2 Billion offer for the Clippers is double the value put on the team by the Bank of America. Just like all the bad Bank of America mortgages that were ten times the value of the homes being bought that caused the housing crash.

Seven people have been arrested for fleecing ticket broker StubHub for $1.6 Million over tickets that were fraudulently bought and then resold. To which StubHub is claiming  “We thought of it first!”

Mark Zuckerberg says the average Facebook user spends 40 minutes a day on the site. 20 minutes to see what other people ate for breakfast and 20 minutes to post pictures of their own meals.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for reading the blog and getting me started on my goal of 7 Billion readers every day. It is all in the name of world peace. If everyone on the planet reads my jokes, they will be too confused to start wars or rip off other people. It’s all part of my selfless venture for bringing good to the world. It would also make me filthy rich. But I digress. In the meantime, tell all your friends to read the blog and to pass it along. Or if you are like me and don’t have any friends, you can always just get by with sending the love!