Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The President of Egypt says Donald Trump is “capable of doing the impossible.” Which probably means the goal of his trip is to make the countries in the Middle East hate each other more than they already do.

The President of Egypt says Donald Trump is “capable of doing the impossible. Americans agree. In less than four months he has been inaugurated, investigated and could soon be impeached.

California is set to roll out its limited earthquake warning system next year. As opposed to the current warning system that says if today is Tuesday get ready for a major earthquake on Wednesday, and if not then Thursday.

Former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn is refusing to turn over documents to Congress, citing an “escalating public frenzy against him.” Although the public frenzy against him didn’t start until he began doing things like refusing to turn over any documents to Congress.

A report says Apple is 40% more valuable than the entire city of Chicago. It would have been an even change but the odds of being shot are so much lower while using an Apple product than trying to walk down Michigan Avenue.

A report says Apple is 40% more valuable than the entire city of Chicago. Mostly because anyone interested in buying Chicago can’t complete the deal without including the Bears, O’Hare International and Rahm Emanuel.

Clint Eastwood says Americans “have lost our sense of humor.” That isn’t entirely true. It is still worth a laugh to go on Youtube and pull up video of him trying to talk to an empty chair at the Republican National Convention.

Scientists say the rate the sea level has been rising has tripled since 1990. Which is attributed to global warming, subtle changes in the Earth’s shape and any time Chris Christie does a “cannonball” along the Jersey Shore.

Iran’s President says Donald Trump’s Saudi Arabia trip is “just a show.” To which Americans are saying if he wants a show, he should see what Trump is doing when he is back in the U.S.

Amazon is taking its “no checkout” store idea to Europe, where people pay for their items without going through a check stand. To which the owners of 7-Eleven stores are saying that’s nothing new, their customers have been doing that for years.

Turkey is blaming the U.S. for “aggressive actions” during a clash between protesters and guards of Turkish President Erdogan. To which the U.S. is saying they were just trying to do their best to make the foreign dignitary feel more at home.

Melania Trump and Sara Netanyahu say they agree that the media is unfair to their husbands. Sort of like how coaches always blame losses on referees, students blame teachers for bad grades and spouses blame each other for the divorce.

Chicago could change rules so that no city workers can be involved in removing passengers from planes. Especially when it comes to any union workers who can then use the excuse “That’s not my job.”

Amazon’s Alexa can now help Dish Network viewers with changing the channel. Which is good news for people who because Amazon took away the retail job they used to have now have nothing to do but sit around and watch TV all day.

A report says climate change has taken a toll on the clarity of the water at Lake Tahoe. Which is now about as murky as the minds of casino customers fighting a hangover with a morning Bloody Mary while trying to get in a few games at the Keno bar.

An analysis says Donald Trump’s budget plan cuts the food stamp program because the administration doesn’t want to cover people who eat junk food. They feel the poor should get on the healthier White House diet of Champagne, caviar and Cuban cigars.

An analysis says Donald Trump’s budget plan cuts the food stamp program because the administration doesn’t want to cover people who eat junk food. Although after looking at Trump, it’s apparent the American taxpayers have footed the bill for the recent record profits by McDonald’s.

Mark Zuckerberg says he is not running for public office. Mostly because he is too busy running the world by giving people all the cat videos they need to prevent a complete social and political meltdown.

Nathan’s and Curtis hot dogs are being recalled after metal shards were found in packaging. Which shouldn’t have been that big of a deal since the fragments were more healthy than any of the other ingredients that go into hot dogs.

The annual price tag for California’s proposed universal health care system would be $400 Billion. Which sounds like a lot until it is pointed out that is also the going rate for a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

 The annual price tag for California’s proposed universal health care system would be $400 Billion. But that’s only because it is California and $390 Billion of that would be just to cover the cost of Botox, facelifts and boob jobs in Beverly Hills.

Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross praised Saudi Arabia because of the lack of protesters against Donald Trump. He was then informed that protesting is illegal in Saudi Arabia and people there know that it is hard to hold up a protest sign when both their hands have been cut off.

Hyundai and Kia are being investigated as to whether they took too long to recall engines that stalled to where the car couldn’t go anywhere. The only problem was that it took several days before the owners could even tell.

A Ukraine hacker has been sentenced for making $30 Million for using stolen unpublished news releases. Not only that, he is facing a lawsuit for stealing the business model of Matt Drudge.

Frontier Airlines flight attendants are suing the airline, saying they were denied the right to pump breast milk while working. Mostly because Frontier has designated attendants who are lactating mothers as flotation devices.

A report says robots could wipe out 40% of all retail jobs in the next ten years. Especially once they are placed in the dressing rooms with women and are programmed to say “No, that doesn’t make your butt look big.”

Ford is replacing CEO Mark Fields after three years on the job. Or in the vernacular of the auto industry, he has been recalled.

Freeze dried mouse sperm that was placed on the International Space Station was used to successfully produce health mice. Which sounds like NASA’s way of saying the ISS has been infested with rats.

Freeze dried mouse sperm that was placed on the International Space Station was used to successfully produce health mice. Well, experiments like that make it hard to not want to make sure NASA gets all the funding it needs to stay in business.

A study says cutting calories can extend people’s life span. To which most Americans are saying “So what’s plan ‘B’?”

A study says the map of the tongue’s taste buds is all wrong. Instead of different areas that can detect sweet, sour, bitter and salt, apparently we have evolved to where the whole tongue is ready to identify and enjoy just sugar, salt and fat.

A study says overweight kids face a high risk of being depressed as adults. Mostly because even if they become rich and successful, they know as soon as they walk in the door of their high school reunion all their old classmates will still be calling them “lard ass.”

Protests have erupted over the candidacy of an Ethiopian to lead the World Health Organization. Mostly because who is the last healthy person anyone has seen ever coming out of Ethiopia?

A study says that women are not really better than men when it comes to recognizing faces. Mostly because when it comes to looking at women, men rarely have their eyeballs focused on their faces.

Celine Dion marked the 20th anniversary of the release of the movie “Titanic.” Mostly because it turns out that her career has pretty much followed the same path as the ship.

Alec Baldwin has been discussing his battle with Lyme Disease. Although more people are concerned about what happened to the poor tick that actually had the misfortune of sucking his blood.

Al Gore says not even the President can stop the climate movement. Although maybe the Supreme Court could, since they were the ones that stopped Al Gore from becoming President.

O.J. Simpson is scheduled for a parole hearing in July in Nevada which could result in his release. To which even Charles Manson is saying “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

O.J. Simpson is scheduled for a parole hearing in July in Nevada which could result in his release. The good news is that even though that is the off season, Las Vegas casinos are expecting business to be double for bettors who want a piece of that action.

A socialist member of the Seattle city council is asking the Seahawks to sign Colin Kaepernick. Which means if he can’t get a job in the NFL, he still has an opportunity in being the campaign manager for Bernie Sanders in 2020.

Danny Ainge’s son Tanner is running for the House of Representatives from Utah. While Ainge is worried of the public humiliation that comes with having a family member in Congress, at least he never had deal with his son playing for the Jazz.

An analysis says buying $1,000 in Bitcoins in 2010 would have been worth $35 Million today. The only problem is being able to find something you would even want to buy from the three vendors who still accept Bitcoins.

A study says people with high self-esteem have flashier credit cards. Which eventually results in low self-esteem when they realize they have used it to the point where they are declaring bankruptcy after going $100,000 in credit card debt.

A report says hackers have hit Russian bank customers’ accounts. The question is what are they now going to do with the six rubles that the investors they swindled still had in the bank.

A co-founder of Twitter says he is sorry if the social media site made the Trump presidency possible. To which most people are saying they aren’t worried as much about that as Twitter is helping Trump try to start World War III.

The White House and a federal ethics watchdog are in a standoff over ethics waivers for executive branch officials. The main sticking point is having to explain to the White House what the actual definition of “ethics” is.

An analysis says the Trump budget hits his own voters the hardest. Mostly because by taking care of everyone else instead, in the next election he can actually have a chance of ending up with the majority of votes.

 Donald Trump’s is proposing to balance the federal budget by cutting two percent of non-defense spending every year. It’s called the “two penny plan,” not because of the two percent cuts but because by the time it is in effect, two pennies is what most Americans will have left in their pockets.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Kind of a slow day for news, other than the tragic bombing in England. Which could have been really funny since it involved Ariana Grande but that was one that had to be let go. On a brighter note, there is still time to donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation for the Great Strides Walk. Just click on the picture of me and my late wife Karen who lost her battle with the illness six years ago and it will take you right to the site. Anything you can spare would be appreciated. I have already had some very generous donations from some great readers and hope you will all follow suit. It’s the only thing I ask for all year besides your patience and forgiveness for the jokes. There is no better way to show you really are sending the love!

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump has started a 15,600 mile 9 day diplomacy tour which takes him through the Middle East and Europe. All indications are the trip is designed for him to put the “dip” back in “diplomacy.”

A Harvard study has revealed what it calls a huge anti-Trump media bias. Although all the negative stories about the Trump Administration just shows they are all actually being honest.

A Harvard study has revealed what it calls a huge anti-Trump media bias. To which the Trump Administration is saying they forgot the part about them being anti-Bannon, Pence, Spicer, Mnuchin, Price, DeVos…

A Harvard study has revealed what it calls a huge anti-Trump media bias. The media denies it has anything to do with politics. Their contention is that they hated Trump from the time he first started clamoring for attention back in 1974.

An Australian nutritionist says less exercise may be the key to weight loss. If that’s the case, why do people see nothing but diet supplement ads whenever they turn on their TV, cellphone or laptop?

An Australian nutritionist says less exercise may be the key to weight loss. If that’s true, when is the last time you saw a skinny person standing in line at a McDonald’s?

A study says looks may not matter if a person smells good to the opposite sex. Which means men should start looking for a cologne that advertises it has the odor of $100 bills.

A study says looks may not matter if a person smells good to the opposite sex. The only thing that smells here is the study claiming that looks don’t matter when it comes to trying to get a date.

A study says looks may not matter if a person smells good to the opposite sex. If that’s true, then why do Tinder, Match.com and OkCupid have pictures and not a scratch-and-sniff option?

Cher says she is not a fan of her own music. Which is sad since the only original body part she still has left are her vocal cords.

A study says plants can hear and use their sense to find flowing water. The worst part is when they sense flowing water and realize what they are hearing is a dog lifting its hind leg.

Disgraced congressman Anthony Weiner is facing two years in prison after pleading guilty to federal obscenity charges, with his wife filing for divorce. What’s worse is that after two years in prison, his cellmate will be referring to Weiner as “the wife.”

Donald Trump reportedly told Russians that firing the “nut job” James Comey eased pressure from an FBI investigation. Well, hearing that will certainly keep Comey from going to Congress and spilling his guts about everything he knows.

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis says a military solution to North Korea will be “tragic on an unbelievable scale.” To which Donald Trump is saying when it comes to North Korea, one of two things will be fired. Either ICBM missiles, or Mattis.

Brazil’s top prosecutor is accusing President Michel Temer of obstruction of justice. Which makes him just like Donald Trump, only being the Southern Hemisphere means his obstruction of justice goes counter clockwise.

Jeb Bush has some simple advice for President Trump. Stop tweeting. Although it is going to be tough to get Donald Trump to take advice, especially from someone who spent $150 Million on a campaign which netted him three convention delegates.

Jeb Bush has some simple advice for President Trump. Stop tweeting. Which may fall on deaf ears coming from someone whose technology know-how for communicating hasn’t advanced past the CB radio.

French President Macron says intelligence sharing with the U.S. will continue. Which is good news for the U.S. since during any conflict France always knows the best routes for when it’s time to retreat.

French President Macron says intelligence sharing with the U.S. will continue. The only question is, who needs to share intelligence anymore now that there is WikiLeaks?

A Florida woman suing Starbucks after being severely burned by spilled coffee has been awarded $100,000. As opposed to their other customers who only get burned for the $8 they plunk down every morning for their large mocha latte.

AT&T store workers went on strike over the weekend over their labor contract. The only question is will any of their customers even be able to tell?

AT&T store workers went on strike over the weekend over their labor contract. Which means the company’s new motto is changing from “The Power of &” to “& the horse you rode in on.”

AT&T store workers went on strike over the weekend over their labor contract. The only problem is that anyone getting in line in an AT&T store on Friday was not likely to be helped by anyone before Monday in the first place.

A report says robots could wipe out another 6 Million retail jobs in the next decade. People were surprised at the news. There are still 6 Million people working in retail?

A report says robots could wipe out another 6 Million retail jobs in the next decade. That will happen as soon as the robots can be programmed to do nothing but stand around for 8 hours folding shirts.

Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta says job training through apprenticeships is a priority for Donald Trump. Which shows in how Trump treated James Comey like he was on “The Apprentice” when he told him “You’re fired!”

Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta says job training through apprenticeships is a priority for Donald Trump. Which just like the TV show is now the business model for many companies who let employees work for free for several weeks before they tell them they’re fired.

A survey says Americans are doing better financially except those who aren’t college educated. The only problem is that college graduates are getting the better jobs just so they can have a chance of paying off their college loans in the next 20 years.

McDonald’s is expanding its delivery service with a partnership with Uber so it can bring food right to the door. Which is easier than McDonald’s customers using Uber to get a ride to the restaurant since they are completely unable to fit into the backseat of a Prius.

McDonald’s is expanding its delivery service with a partnership with Uber so it can bring food right to the door. Which means McDonald’s customers will be expanding to the point where they can’t even make it out their front door.

A London city airport is moving its air traffic controllers 80 miles away where they can watch live footage on digital screens. Apparently the controllers were in favor of being moved away because all the airport noise always kept waking them up.

A poll says Americans’ financial anxieties eased in 2017. Mostly because instead of worrying about their money, after Donald Trump became President they are more concerned about losing their health care, the economy crashing and World War III.

The Governor of Nevada has signed a bill that bans conversion therapy which tries to make gay people straight. Mostly because if the treatment is successful, it would kill off thousands of jobs at every club featuring a female impersonator review.

A company is offering online STD tests. Which is ironic as it is being recommended for anyone who has used Tinder to get more than three dates.

A study says Viagra does not increase the risk of melanoma. If anyone develops skin cancer after using Viagra, it means they need to do a better job of making sure their zipper is up.

A study says Instagram is the worst social media site for young people’s mental health. Which then brings up the question for anyone dealing with young people of how can they tell?

A study says Instagram is the worst social media site for young people’s mental health. What’s worse is that all the other social media sites are tied for second.

Paul Ryan says the House may have to vote on the repeal and replacement of Obamacare. That shouldn’t be a problem. How hard can it be to do something you have already practiced on 60 times before?

“Deadliest Catch” star Sig Hansen has apologized after being arrested for assaulting an Uber driver. Apparently the show has changed its prey from the Alaska king crab to the elusive Seattle Prius.

Kesha says social media fueled her eating disorder. However, she has stayed strong and not allowed online bullying to ever force her into taking singing lessons.

Steve Harvey’s ex-wife is suing him for $60 Million for “murdering her soul.” Apparently that beauty pageant wasn’t the only place Harvey accidentally called out the name of the wrong woman.

Ted Nugent says there is no limit to what he will do to help make America great. Which most people hope will include buying himself a one-way ticket to any other country.

Kate Upton has revealed that she isn’t confident wearing a bathing suit. Which makes about as much sense as Stephen Curry saying every time he gets his hands on the basketball he is worried about throwing up an air ball.

Kate Upton has revealed that she isn’t confident wearing a bathing suit. To which most men are saying “If you are more comfortable taking it off…”

Kate Upton has revealed that she isn’t confident wearing a bathing suit. Which is a good way to anger every other woman in the world coming from someone who could rock the beach wearing a burlap sack.

Kate Upton has revealed that she isn’t confident wearing a bathing suit. That’s like one of the Kardashian girls saying they are camera shy.

The Celtics 5’9” Isaiah Thomas says he would be “the best player ever” if he was taller. Which is exactly the same thing said by everyone else.

Tom Brady’s agent says he was not diagnosed with a concussion in 2016. Just in 2015 when he seemed to forget anything about his involvement with “Deflategate.”

Tim Cook is reportedly testing an Apple Watch device that monitors the wearer’s blood sugar. Which is most likely at dangerous levels from sitting in front of an iMac, iPad or iPhone and not moving for 16 hours a day.

Kim Kardashian is celebrating 100 Million Instagram followers. Which is really sad when you realize that is way more than the number of votes cast for either candidate in any presidential election.

IBM is telling employees who are working out of their homes to get back into the office. The hardest part will be figuring out how to get enough people together to lift Watson and carry it from its bachelor pad all the way back to company headquarters.

IBM is telling employees who are working out of their homes to get back into the office. The worst part will be all the workers who got too comfortable at home and are now walking around company headquarters in their pajamas.

Experts say tweets can predict flu outbreaks and earthquakes and prevent suicides. Not only that, but following Donald Trump’s tweets can let people know down to the minute when World War III is ready to start.

Experts say tweets can predict flu outbreaks. Even better, tweeting can prevent the flu as people who use their cellphones to go on Twitter all day never are in danger of spreading or catching germs through any actual contact with other humans.

A study says Millennials say they should pay for their own housing at 22, their own car at 20 and cellphone at 18. Which is surprising for people who are currently living in their parents’ basement, get around using Uber and are still on the family wireless plan.

An 11 year old Massachusetts boy called police to report his father had heroin in his luggage he was dealing. That kid can pretty much kiss goodbye to his $4,000 a week allowance.

Callista Gingrich will be nominated as the U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican. Although the only problem will be the Pope having to start penciling in three hours every day just to listen to Newt go through all his sins in the confessional.

NATO is denying their Secretary General said Donald Trump has a “12 second attention span.” Apparently he said it was actually 8 seconds at best.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is calling on Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani to end terror financing. To which Rouhani is saying “You bring back jobs to your country your way, and I’ll do it mine.”

Donald Trump wished Cuban’s a Happy Independence Day over the weekend. After which he said he thought Cuba’s Independence Day was back in December when they buried Castro.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Great Strides Walk for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation was held over the weekend and was a tremendous success. I would like to thank readers Mark Merchant, Josh Gaffin and Tim Hunter for their tremendous generosity in donating to the cause. Mark is a very funny person in his own right who is a very much in demand cruise ship performer, Josh is also a funny person whom I have the honor of working with several days a week and I don’t know Tim but I can say like the others he has a big heart and my thanks for caring about the cause. Just because the event is over doesn’t mean the donations have to stop. Anyone else reading the blog can just click on the picture of me and my wife Karen who was taken from us by Cystic Fibrosis and pledge whatever you can afford. My thanks in advance. It is truly the best way in my book anyone can show they are really sending the love!

Friday, May 19, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes has died at age 77. In his honor, Fox is still reporting he is up and around, in good health and feeling fine.

A Yale dean has been placed on leave over offensive reviews she made on Yelp. Apparently she said the food she was served at a local restaurant tasted “like Harvard.”

A Yale dean has been placed on leave over offensive reviews she made on Yelp. Mostly because the school’s administration feels they pay her enough where she doesn’t have to eat at restaurants that show up on Yelp.

A Yale dean has been placed on leave over offensive reviews she made on Yelp. Which goes right along with her classroom grading scale of “idiot,” “moron,” “dumb,” “stupid” and “incompetent.”

A GOP Senator says Michael Flynn is “not cooperating” in the probe of ties to Russia. Mostly because it turns out to get him to do anything requires an up front payment of at least $500,000.

The TSA has drafted 2,000 agents along with canine teams to cope with the expected 234 Million people flying out of U.S. airports this summer. Although it will be a much more calm autumn as the way things are going here only a handful will be coming back.

The TSA has drafted 2,000 agents along with canine teams to cope with the expected 234 Million people flying out of U.S. airports this summer. Although travelers should be comforted knowing that there will be no containers on any flight they may be on that will be carrying more than three ounces of liquid.

The proposed laptop ban by the U.S. on international flights is reportedly more dangerous than letting travelers have them. Mostly because without electronic devices there will be no way for them to record all the passengers being dragged off flights.

Facebook has won a dismissal of lawsuits brought against them by victims of terror. And those are just the ones who are constantly inundated with annoying vacation photos, rants and pictures of what everyone they know ate for breakfast.

The White House is seeing Donald Trump’s trip abroad as an escape from all the controversy surrounding his administration. Which his staff is hoping that with his ties to Russia along with the travel ban that he may not be allowed back in the country.

Dutch King Willem-Alexander has revealed he has spent the past 21 years as a part-time pilot for KLM. The bad news for passengers on his flights who are unruly is that they don’t get dragged off planes but are given the order “Off with their head!”

Dutch King Willem-Alexander has revealed he has spent the past 21 years as a part-time pilot for KLM. Which could be bad news for KLM when people find out that they are being flown around by a pilot who is doing it as a side job.

A study says exposure to morning light is tied to a good night’s sleep. Mostly because the people who wake up after it is light aren’t having to wake up at 3 AM for the first of the three jobs they are working to make ends meet.

A Florida woman called 911 to report there was a large iguana in her toilet. To which the 911 operator said “So that’s what they are calling it now?”

Brazil President Michel Temer says he won’t quit over claims of corruption. Fortunately, for now he has the argument to tell the people that at least they aren’t in America living under Donald Trump.

Rod Rosenstein will brief the Senate on the probe into ties to Russia. At this point, the investigation is getting so deep there could be a delay as the DOJ has to print up programs so everyone can keep track of all the players who are involved.

Melania Trump is planning to take her first foreign trip as First Lady. Which is a pretty big step considering it has taken her four months just to finally agree to go anywhere outside of New York City.

The hit show “Roseanne” is coming back to TV, showing how American families have changed since 1988. For one thing, they were a poor blue collar family which means they would now be considered successful and upwardly mobile middle class.

Statistics show low wage workers in California are losing $2 Billion a year through employer minimum wage violations. Which is even worse when you consider the poverty line in California is anything less than $150,000 a year.

Italy is looking for a buyer for Alitalia airlines. It’s the one that any time there is a delay or cancellation of a flight, the airlines’ reaction is always to tell passengers “Fugeddaboudit.”

Sean Spicer will reportedly no longer give daily, on-camera briefings. The good news is the front row of reporters will no longer have to cover themselves with plastic sheets like at a Gallagher show to keep from being covered in flying saliva.

An analysis says Donald Trump’s tax plan means the middle class will face higher taxes and lower home prices. Which will be of little concern since most people will be too busy worrying about how they will pay their medical bills after losing their insurance under the Trump health care plan.

An analysis says Donald Trump’s tax plan means the middle class will face higher taxes and lower home prices. Which will only be a big deal to the three people who because of Trump’s policies are actually considered middle class.

The Trump Administration has notified Congress of its intent to launch talks to renegotiate Nafta. Which after the tax plan and attempts to repeal and replace Obamacare and the investigations into ties with Russia, what could possibly go wrong?

Starbucks is selling coffee ice cubes for 80 cents apiece. Which means people can buy enough to fill a container, microwave it and end up with a cup of hot Starbucks coffee for less than $8.

Starbucks is selling coffee ice cubes for 80 cents apiece. If McDonald’s had only thought of that in 1994 they could have cooled their coffee and saved millions of dollars for the cost of legal fees and settlements.

Brazil stocks have dropped 10% in the past few days, wiping out the entire gain for the year. Which means Brazilian stockholders have been in for a real waxing.

A study says more than 140 California courthouse buildings are seismically unsafe. To which state officials, when informed the buildings are usually filled with lawyers are saying “And the problem is…?”

The Takata airbag settlement is giving $553 Million back to consumers. It is the biggest amount of money and bad publicity ever generated over the lack of air pressure that didn’t involve Tom Brady.

Questions are emerging over the health of the new CEO of the CSX train line. Although supporters say it is simply a case of his opponents trying to have him railroaded.

A report says there has been an uptick in wagering on Internet betting sites that Donald Trump will be impeached. Which at least shows that when it comes to online gambling, Trump is keeping his promise to create all kinds of new jobs.

A report says there has been an uptick in wagering on Internet betting sites that Donald Trump will be impeached. Although it still comes in fourth place behind bets that he will first crash the economy, declare martial law or start World War III.

Vintage IKEA furniture is reportedly selling online for thousands of dollars per piece. It is being bought by people who like the furniture and are willing to pay through the nose so they don’t have to try to assemble it.

An outbreak of a parasitic infection in public pools is attributed to people swimming too soon after having diarrhea. Which can be controlled by telling people to stop eating the food served up at the public pool snack stands.

An outbreak of a parasitic infection in public pools is attributed to people swimming too soon after having diarrhea. Although the parasite is still not as harmful as the lead, chemicals and toxins already in the pool that is filled from public water system.

The “Charlie Sheen” effect has doubled the sale of at-home HIV tests. The scary part is asking how many people are out there who are living a lifestyle like Charlie Sheen?

An Ohio school is defending pepper spraying students as part of a class project. Mostly just to get them ready for what they are in for when the inevitable brawl breaks out in the crowd during the upcoming graduation ceremony.

A study says a person’s scent can be as important as their appearance when it comes to being considered attractive. Which brings up the question as to how over the years the population hasn’t been completely wiped out in France.

A California woman is partially paralyzed after eating an order of gas station nachos. Which is followed by the question of what did she think was going to happen after eating an order of gas station nachos?

A California woman is partially paralyzed after eating an order of gas station nachos. Even the people at Chipotle are asking what was she thinking?

Canada is testing setting the minimum age for legalized pot at 18. Which means they could be looking at the biggest mass migration of American teens across the northern border since the Vietnam War.

A Michigan doctor has had his license suspended after performing liposuction in a barn. What’s worse is that he did it only on his patients who he felt needed the procedure because they were getting as big as a cow.

A Michigan doctor has had his license suspended after performing liposuction in a barn. Apparently he reserved the site only for people who wanted to be thin so they could join the horsey set.

The author of “The Natural Foods Cookbook” Beatrice Trum Hunter has died at age 98. She will be cremated along with some brown rice, granola and bean sprouts in a hand thrown pottery bowl.

Researchers say brain scans have spotted where anxiety and fear live. Which is right in the exact same area where the information goes when the patients see their neurologist’s brain scan bill.

Leonardo DiCaprio has reportedly split with his bikini model girlfriend Nina Agdal. Friends say he was sad, depressed and inconsolable after the breakup. In fact, until he started dating again it was the worst 20 minutes of his life.

Val Kilmer says religion and love helped him beat cancer. Which is great news for all the sick people who have renewed hope knowing that is pretty much all they will have to fight their illnesses under the GOP health care plan.

The opening of Inglewood Stadium will be delayed until 2020 because of the recent heavy rainfall in California. It wasn’t exactly a deluge, but in California anytime it rains more than three inches all construction crews immediately turn their attention to building an ark.

The L.A. Coliseum is reportedly selling its naming rights to United Airlines. It will be the stadium where the ushers will happily drag all the spectators right to their seat.

The L.A. Coliseum is reportedly selling its naming rights to United Airlines. Which means spectators will stand in line for three hours to be strip searched only to find out the game has been delayed another two hours which will eventually be canceled and moved to Wednesday of next week.

Saints quarterback Drew Brees says he might not tell his wife if he got a concussion. Although she might already suspect it when he looks at her and their kids and says “Who dat?”

Mark Zuckerberg has posted a video on Facebook of the moment when he found out he had been accepted at Harvard. It’s too bad he doesn’t have that more important moment captured on tape where he drops out of Harvard to become a super billionaire.

A report says Donald Trump’s budget calls for hits on federal employee retirement programs. Which he doesn’t really care about as how much of a pension will he have when he is kicked out of office after less than six months?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am asking again for everyone’s help in donating some cash to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. This is my pet charity as it is working to find a cure for the terrible disease that took my wife six years ago. I put the jokes out every day for free for your enjoyment, annoyance, consternation, whatever. I don’t ask for much and this is it. Anything you can afford will be greatly appreciated. Just click on the picture of me and Karen and it will take you right to the site. There is no better way I can think of to really show you are sending the love!