Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The public worker in Hawaii who sent out the false missile attack alert has been reassigned. He will now work at the Weather Service and be in charge of sending out blizzard warnings.

The public worker in Hawaii who sent out the false missile attack alert has been reassigned. Although it could have been worse. With Donald Trump as President, anyone sending out a nuclear attack alert has a 50-50 chance of being right.

The public worker in Hawaii who sent out the false missile attack alert has been reassigned. He will now be working as the track switcher for Amtrak.

A report says the worker who sent out the false missile attack alert in Hawaii just pressed a wrong button. The question is, what was he doing at Donald Trump’s desk?

The public worker in Hawaii who sent out the false missile attack alert has been reassigned. Or as Donald Trump says, “I hate when that happens.”

The FCC is investigating the false Hawaiian nuclear missile alert. That might take awhile. They still haven’t come up with a final decision on the Janet Jackson Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction in 2004.

The FCC is investigating the false Hawaiian nuclear missile alert. That might take awhile. Although more people want them to come to a faster decision on Net Neutrality so they know if they can still binge watch on Netflix.

The expletive “s--thole” was projected onto Donald Trump’s Washington, D.C. hotel. Although management will be more concerned if it results in a bad review on Yelp.

A study says a fourth of all non-believers turn to prayer during a personal crisis. The other three fourths are just holding on until the next election.

A study says a fourth of all non-believers turn to prayer during a personal crisis. The sad part is when their prayers start out “To whom this may concern…”

A measles warning has been issued at O’Hare Airport in Chicago. The good news is it won’t spread as by the time anyone gets a flight out of there they will be past the ten days when they are contagious.

A magazine is making the case for a 28 hour work week. Which will happen the day they give everyone an executive suite.

A magazine is making the case for a 28 hour work week. Mostly to give people enough time to work at all three jobs it takes them to make ends meet.

A magazine is making the case for a 28 hour work week. Especially in the magazine business where they can’t afford to pay for any more full time employees.

Alibaba has developed Artificial Intelligence that can outscore humans in reading and comprehension. Their next goal is to make the program perform at even higher than a second grade level.

A study says having sex weekly as a person ages improves brain function. The only problem is when it becomes having sex weakly.

A study says having sex weekly as a person ages improves brain function. Especially the ones who think they still have a chance at having sex weekly.

A study says having sex weekly as a person ages improves brain function. Until their wife hits them with a frying pan when she finds out who they are having sex with.

A report says the first human frozen cryonically will be brought back to life in ten years. Meaning the money they put down for the procedure has finally run out.

An Oklahoma University professor says robots could replace humans literally in every job. Especially in Oklahoma where all they need are robots to cut hay and drill for oil.

An Oklahoma University professor says robots could replace humans literally in every job. Which they can start with making one that knows how to push the right button for a nuclear missile attack alert in Hawaii.

JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says the Democrats don’t have a strong presidential candidate for 2020. Which at this point, Democrats figure they can run anyone with the label “Not Trump.”

A car went airborne crashing into the second story of a dentist’s office in California. That building really got drilled.

A floor collapsed at the Jakarta Stock Exchange, injuring 80 people. Talk about the bottom falling out of the market.

A floor collapsed at the Jakarta Stock Exchange, injuring 80 people. Which didn’t do a lot for the stock price of the company that made the building.

Donald Trump commented on the Hawaiian missile attack false alert, saying “They made a mistake.” In fact, he even admitted he once made a mistake, back in 1952.

Yesterday was Blue Monday, with the third Monday of January called by some as the most depressing day of the year. Mostly for people who realize they only have 48 more weeks to pay off last Christmas before the next one arrives.

Yesterday was Blue Monday, with the third Monday of January called by some as the most depressing day of the year. Especially for the people who realize they have already broken every single one of their New Year’s resolutions.

An Army veteran is suing the VA for leaving a scalpel inside him after a surgery. Ironically, his internal bleeding was blamed on VA medical benefits cuts.

A woman was booted out of a Chick-fil-A in South Dakota for breast-feeding her daughter. Chick-fil-A says it has a strict policy of covering all their breasts with two pieces of bread.

The federal government is warning pot users they are banned from having guns or ammunition. Which means stoners have a choice to make between bang or bong.

He CDC has postponed a session on preparing people for nuclear war. The good news is that Hawaii has already pretty much gone through their training.

An Indiana hospital computer system was hacked and held ransom for Bitcoins. To which hackers on behalf of the patients are saying “How’s it feel when it happens to you?”

Donald Trump got an “excellent health” report on the physical exam by his White House doctor. To which Democrats are saying they would like a second opinion.

Donald Trump got an “excellent health” report on the physical exam by his White House doctor. After which Ben Carson went back to work running HUD.

A study says fungus and bacteria thrive in dishwashers. Especially when people take their food from Chipotle out of the go container at home and eat it from a plate.

A study says one out of four American adults have split with a partner over financial issues. The other three didn’t have financial issues until their spouse split with them and took half of everything they own.

A study says rich people are now “wise” when it comes to love. Mostly because if you have enough money it’s always easy to find the next person to go out with.

The romance between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will be portrayed in a Lifetime movie. What could be filled with more tension, suspense and personal obstacles than a love story between a wealthy prince and a beautiful TV actress?

Danica Patrick is reportedly dating Aaron Rogers. Both certainly have made a career over knowing how to make a pass.

CoCo Vandeweghe was given a code violation at the Australian Open for taking too much time to eat a banana during a set break. The umpire penalized her for making him go “CoCo bananas.”

LaMelo Ball scored 31 points in a game on his Lithuanian team. Although he still hasn’t made as many steals as his brother LiAngelo did playing with UCLA in China.

The Toronto Blue Jays will extend protective netting around the Rogers Centre. The good thing is that it’s not like they will have to offer any protection from getting hit by baseballs for their fans in the outfield bleachers.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver is encouraging equality in the league, saying players are judged on talent and not race. Which goes even farther in San Antonio where they are not judged by their age.

Dennis Rodman was arrested for DUI n California. The question with Rodman is, how could anyone even tell?

Dennis Rodman was arrested for DUI n California. Although the only problem with that is he is probably more dangerous on the road when he is sober.

Golfers on the PGA Tour were worried while playing an event during the false missile attack alert. Although no North Korean missile could possibly be as accurate over a long distance as Dustin Johnson nearly holing out a 433 yard tee shot.

A study says obesity has cut nearly a year off the life expectancy in the U.S. The good news is those people will have a year less to deal with being fat shamed.

Australia’s new visa system could use Artificial Intelligence to spot dubious applicants. Apparently that is their way of saying they will keep out the immigrants from “s--thole countries.”

Saudi Arabia lifted a 35 year ban on cinemas with a screening of “The Emoji Movie.” Well, that ought to scare them away for at least another three decades.

Hackers reportedly broke into a company’s computers and stole $400,000 in Bitcoins. Which by next week when they try to sell them will be worth all of $12.50.

France is debating whether to ban cellphones from students in school. Although the alternative is having to communicate personally with each other which is tough since the country banned soap and deodorant.

A poll says only 1% of Donald Trump’s supporters back Steve Bannon’s efforts. The other 99% are more interested in buying Bannon an ironing board and razor.

Jeb Bush has thrown his support behind Mitt Romney in his run for Senator from Utah. Apparently Bush his hoping he can energize both people who voted for him in the 2016 Utah primary.

Melania Trump has hired a new director of operations, policy director and communications coordinator. Apparently she is hoping her husband might follow her lead and try the same thing.

Donald Trump spent Martin Luther King, Jr. Day at Mar-a-Lago in Florida. And what better place to celebrate the Civil Rights movement than playing golf at a $200,000 per membership country club in the South?

Donald Trump’s “Fake News Awards” are set for tomorrow. Which is just his way of honoring the networks that had the fewest instances of repeating the term “s--thole countries.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the entertainment world with the death of Cranberries singer Dolores O’Riordan suddenly at age 46. No cause of death was reported, although she had reportedly recently suffered physical and mental health problems. Hard to believe the singer in an Irish folk band could have depression. The group had a string of ‘90s hits like “Zombie,” “Linger” and “Dreams.” She had a great voice and was very adept at writing some catchy songs. Another talent lost way too young. I will probably play a couple of their songs today and will of course feel better when all of you remember to always keep sending the love!

  

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Mark Zuckerberg lost a reported $3.3 Billion after posting about a change to Facebook’s news feed. It was the biggest loss of cash ever on the Internet that didn’t involve a Nigerian prince.

Donald Trump’s lawyer reportedly arranged a $130,000 payment to buy an adult film star’s silence over a sexual encounter. To which most Republican members of Congress are now wondering how much it would cost to buy Trump’s silence.

The Supreme Court is set to review a case over an Internet sales tax. Which is a big step for a group of nine people who still communicate only using rotary phones.

Tonya Harding’s agent quit after the former skater demanded journalists be fined for asking about her past. Which is tough since it’s not like she has any future.

Tonya Harding’s agent quit after the former skater demanded journalists be fined for asking about her past. Although most reporters get the idea when she shows up for the interview carrying a tire iron.

A study says heart patients have a higher risk of death if they are not married. Especially if their spouse is the one with the job that provides their health insurance.

An ultrarunner is being accused of winning races by hiding in port-a-potties. Which may just have been a case of a runner who ran until he got the runs.

Donald Trump’s doctor says his physical exam went “exceptionally well.” In fact, the only time the word “s--thole” came up was during the prostate exam.

A report says 90% of American workers will see more money in their paychecks next month. Mostly because the IRS has decided to wait until April 15th before taking the rest of it.

The CDC has postponed a session preparing the U.S. for nuclear war. Fortunately, Donald Trump’s “s--thole” comments has diverted the rest of the world to his racism and away from his attempts to start World War III.

Saudi Arabia has allowed women into stadiums to watch soccer for the first time. Which is a brilliant move by the men as it is difficult for the women there to get excited about equality when it means spending three hours watching a 0-0 tie.

Donald Trump canceled a visit to London for the opening of a new $1 Billion embassy. Apparently he wanted to show everyone it isn’t just the African nations and Haiti that he considers “s--thole countries.”

Donald Trump canceled a visit to London for the opening of a new $1 Billion embassy. Apparently he was upset when he realized the building was not going to display a large sign on top saying “Trump.”

The Trump Administration wants new nuclear firepower that will make it easier to deter threats to our European allies. People were surprised. We still have allies in Europe?

The Trump Administration wants new nuclear firepower that will make it easier to deter threats to our European allies. That and to also have weapons that will help blow up the entire world even faster.

A 20 year old Tampa man won the $451 Million Mega Millions lottery prize, saying he is now retired. Which is good because he already got that obligatory move to Florida out of the way.

A 20 year old Tampa man won the $451 Million Mega Millions lottery prize, saying he is now retired. Which is good timing as he was just three or four years away from actually having to start looking for a job.

A 20 year old Tampa man won the $451 Million Mega Millions lottery prize, saying he is now retired. Hopefully, that money will last him another 73 years to the time when he would be able to retire if he actually had a regular job.

A report says renewable energy will be consistently cheaper than fossil fuels by 2020. At least until some corporate executives figure out a way to get a monopoly on using the Sun.

A report says renewable energy will be consistently cheaper than fossil fuels by 2020. The good news is by then, the only fossils left will be the brass in the big oil executive offices.

A report says companies are struggling to find and keep workers in the growing economy. Especially the ones who keep leaving the minute they find another job that pays anything more than minimum wage.

Disney has dropped the Twitter CEO and Facebook COO from its corporate board. Just to let everyone know where the firestorm of tweets and Facebook posts telling everyone how crappy Disney World is will be coming from.

Wal-Mart is planning to cut 1,000 corporate jobs. Not only will the company save money, they will be gaining 1,000 customers who will now be shopping at Wal-Mart.

Google has deleted 60 apps aimed at kids that show ads for porn. Which means the children will have to be like everyone else and find their porn searching on Google.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has donated $33 Million to a scholarship fund for “Dreamers.” Who will then graduate and find the only jobs available are working at Amazon for $7 an hour.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has donated $33 Million to a scholarship fund for “Dreamers.” The only problem is for the ones who dream that Donald Trump will let them stay in the country long enough to finish college.

Fiat Chrysler has recalled 160,000 minivans with an engine problem that can cause them to stall. Industry experts were surprised. There are 160,000 people who bought Fiat Chrysler minivans?

Fiat Chrysler has recalled 160,000 minivans with an engine problem that can cause them to stall. Company executives were pleased. They are just happy to know the engines are able to actually start up in the first place.

The White House has revealed the results of Donald Trump’s physical exam. Unfortunately, his fingers are in great shape so that he will have no problem continuing to send out dozens of tweets every day.

A study says half of all teens say they are “addicted” to their cellphones. The other half still have the more traditional addictions of video games, junk food and opioids.

A high tech belt has been developed with self-inflating airbags that could save the elderly from breaking their hips. The only problem is when people find out the airbags were made by Takata and they are recalling grandma.

A high tech belt has been developed with self-inflating airbags that could save the elderly from breaking their hips. It’s bad enough that we are fat enough to need airbags. It will be even worse when we have to have back up alarms installed.

Experts are calling on dentists to discuss oral sex with patients for the risk of mouth and throat cancer from HPV. And you thought it was uncomfortable when your dentists used to ask if you were flossing.

Experts are calling on dentists to discuss oral sex with patients for the risk of mouth and throat cancer from HPV. Which is really going to be awkward when they ask about it while telling you to open your mouth a little wider.

A study says people sleep better when writing down future tasks at bedtime. Except when they write them on the iPad they stare at for three hours in bed every night.

A study says people sleep better when writing down future tasks at bedtime. Especially when one of the tasks is to remind them to make it back home before their wife wakes up at 6:00 and catches them sneaking in.

President Obama says Fox viewers are “living on a different planet.” As opposed to Fox viewers who admit Obama was born on Earth but still insist it was in Kenya.

Mel Gibson is being sued by his ex-wife who claims she has PTSD from his assaults. His defense is that he has spent the past 40 years still in character from “Mad Max.”

Mel Gibson is being sued by his ex-wife who claims she has PTSD from his assaults. Which is understandable as she was married to him for two years, while those police officers are still being treated for the same thing after one traffic stop.

Eric Clapton says he is losing his hearing. To which Baby Boomers who have been listening to his music for the past 50 years are saying “What?”

Golfer Rory McIlroy says a virus he caught in China has led to a heart condition. Although it may also be from the three weeks he spent on the John Daly Diet.

Golfer Rory McIlroy says a virus he caught in China has led to a heart condition. Although it may also have something to do with playing golf with Donald Trump and worrying about whether beating him would mean immediate deportation.

The Ball brothers were scoreless in their debut with their pro team in Lithuania. Which is unfortunate that after all the time they have spent in the country, the only Lithuanian word they learned is the one for “zero.”

50 Cent will have a chance to redeem himself for the horrific 1st pitch he threw at a Mets game. Although it is being suggested instead he throw it in Yankee Stadium next year after they expand the area of protective netting.

LeBron James says about retiring that his kids will be a factor on his decision when to quit. To which Shawn Kemp is saying “Tell me about it.”

The 76ers J.J. Redick says he may not believe dinosaurs existed. Which could change the next time he plays against the San Antonio Spurs.

Augusta National will hold onto three green jackets while a lawsuit over the rights to auction them off plays out. In the meantime, the only other place anyone can still buy a green jacket is in the men’s department at Sears.

Billie Jean King is backing a movement to rename the Margaret Court Arena at the Australian Open because of her comments against the LGBTQ community. Which means efforts to change the name of Court’s court may end up in court.

Hawaiians were sent a false emergency alert of incoming missiles. It turns out it was just an airport that was surprised by the unexpected on-time arrival of a United Airlines flight.

Hawaiians were sent a false emergency alert of incoming missiles which was the result of someone pressing the wrong button. Which shows us how other countries feel every time Donald Trump has a twitter spat with Kim Jong-un.

A Democratic Senator says she is working to make sure the Hawaii false nuclear missile alarm never happens again. The good news is most people never saw the alert on their cellphones because they were too busy playing HQ Trivia.

A report says the new tax plan will hurt charities by cutting back middle class charitable donations. Mostly because the whole point of the tax plan was to make it one big charitable donation for the rich.

Donald Trump’s approval ratings are the highest among Mormons, and lowest among Muslims. Although that may change as he could be looking at even lower numbers from those whose heritage is from a “s--thole” country.

A study says too much business travel can lead to anxiety, depression and trouble sleeping. Especially for those in the Trump Administration who did all their business travel chartering private jets.

A study says too much business travel can lead to anxiety, depression and trouble sleeping. Especially for Rex Tillerson whose business travel consists of circling the globe trying to prevent Donald Trump from starting World War III.

A study says Grand Rapids, Michigan is the best place to die in the U.S. Mostly because what else is there to do in Grand Rapids, Michigan?

A study says Grand Rapids, Michigan is the best place to die in the U.S. That’s not be confused with the easiest place to die, which is still right down the road in Detroit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another blast of Arctic air has hit the eastern U.S. What is this, winter or something? I am dealing with it by taking off a couple of days from my real job which is forecasting that Arctic air is moving in over the eastern U.S. again. I need a break from that. I will still as always be sending out the jokes during that time because why should we be the only ones suffering? Of course, my suffering is kept to a minimum whenever I look up and see that all of you have once again remembered to always keep on sending the love!