Friday, August 22, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Data says that IQ scores have been falling through the past decade. Which is no coincidence that the drop started right around the time of the premier of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.”

A report says that 63 Trillion gallons of groundwater have been lost in the western drought. Which was great news for Washington, D.C. in that there has finally been something found that can go even more trillions into debt than Congress.

A cast member of the VH1 show “Dating Naked” is suing the program saying they showed an uncensored shot of her crotch. Who could ever believe that would actually be able to happen on a show called “Dating Naked”?

A cast member of the VH1 show “Dating Naked” is suing the program saying they showed an uncensored shot of her crotch. The worst part of the lawsuit was when even her lawyer showed up without his briefs.

A study says that the number of people traveling to Switzerland to take advantage of their assisted suicide laws has doubled. Otherwise known as the tourists who booked their flights to Switzerland on United Airlines.

Venezuela is proposing fingerprinting all shoppers to stop food shortages and smuggling. Which has already inspired a new hit TV program there called “CSI: Piggly Wiggly.”

Dick Cheney says that President Obama would “rather be on the golf course than in the Situation Room.” As opposed to Cheney who goes out hunting and ends up sending everyone else to the Emergency Room.

The Old Farmer’s Almanac is predicting a “super cold winter.” There is also a very practical article on how people suffering in the western drought can make a pair of divining rods out of a simple wire coat hangers.

The Old Farmer’s Almanac is predicting a “super cold winter.” Which is really bad news for the old farmers who still actually read it.

The Farmer’s Almanac is predicting a “super cold winter.” The article doesn’t say if they are using the woolly caterpillar method, charting the number of nuts squirrels are gathering or measuring how high hornets are building their nests.

Workers’ compensation costs with the Postal Service have been rising recently despite cutting several thousand employees. Who knew that handling that extra mail would lead to that many cases of debilitating severe paper cuts?

A study says that Neanderthals coexisted with early humans in Europe for more than 5,000 years. In fact, they still coexist at times. Just ask any of the cast and crew from any of Sylvester Stallone’s most recent movies.

An 8 year old boy in India was born with large hands that now weigh 30 pounds each. The good news is that palm readers say his life line says he will live to be at least 140.

An 8 year old boy in India was born with large hands that now weigh 30 pounds each. He is already looking forward to a career as a New York City cab driver who will have the advantage of being able to wave a middle finger that can be seen for three miles.

A survey places Newark, New Jersey as the most unfriendly city in the U.S. To which the local residents replied “What are you looking at?”

Experts say that ISIS’ thirst for oil could lead to global catastrophe. The experts then corrected themselves and said they misspoke and meant to say “Republicans’ thirst for oil.”

A Florida Starbucks’ “pay it forward” streak lasted ten hours with 457 customers taking part. The streak ended when number 458 looked in his rear view mirror and saw a van full of soccer moms and knew there was no way he could afford to pay for eight extra large double espresso mocha lattes.

A federal judge has formally ended part of the Arkansas desegregation case dating back  to 1957. Mostly because Arkansas’ desegregation policies still date back to 1957.

A federal judge has formally ended part of the Arkansas desegregation case dating back  to 1957. Mostly because he ruled that no matter how bad their policies are, it can’t be any worse than what is going on in Missouri.

A farmer in China has figured out how to grow pears in the shape of Buddha. Before that, all pears in China were considered to be in the shape of Americans.

A Twinkie plant in Chicago is closing down. The factory has been in business 84 years. Which is about ten years short of the shelf life of the average pack of Twinkies.

Ford is telling dealers not to sell C-Max or Focus vehicles that were built last week. Apparently the auto maker wants to wait a few days so they can just hand the new car buyers their first recall notice when they come to pick it up.

Mexico is restricting junk food ads that are played during children’s programming. Apparently parents are complaining their kids are getting too fat and are having trouble outrunning the U.S. border guards.

A Toronto bakery is offering a gold-topped cupcake that sells for $900. Although they will have trouble finding someone who might be persuaded to actually buy one now that Mayor Rob Ford has gone through rehab and sobered up.

Family Dollar has rejected a takeover bid of $8.9 Billion from Dollar General. Mostly because it would take store employees approximately 32 years to count the payment of 8.9 Billion one dollar bills.

Studies show that eating breakfast may not help people lose weight. Especially when breakfast starts at 6:30 and breaks for lunch before picking up again until the pre-dinner appetizer snack.

A new “Scooby-Doo” movie “curses” Daphne by changing her from a size 2 to a size 8. At least the other characters are able to figure out the mystery of what happened to the disappearing Scooby snacks.

A report is urging pregnant women not to eat tuna. Of course, most pregnant women wouldn’t touch tuna in the first place unless they also have some M&M,s garlic pickles and Haagen Dazs to mix in with it.

Model Emily Ratajkowski, who appeared nude in the video “Blurred Lines” says that men need to get over naked women. You’ll know that has happened when the Internet completely shuts down from lack of use.

A former “Jeopardy!” contestant has been indicted for assaulting the wife of a Virginia legislator. Using her cash prize for bail will be the first time that anyone has used their “Jeopardy!” winnings for something other than buying Star Wars figurines.

A former “Jeopardy!” contestant has been indicted for assaulting the wife of a Virginia legislator. Unfortunately, her lawyer had to explain that getting to the second round of court appearances doesn’t constitute a claim of double jeopardy.

“American Idol” reject William Hung has gotten married. It just goes to prove that not being able to sing can get you a much publicized wedding. Just ask Kanye West.

Dave Matthews says he smoked pot with Willie Nelson back in 1995. Which has about as much news value as saying he went out for ice cream once with Kirstie Alley.

Mo’ne Davis brought a record 5 Million viewers to the Little League World Series on ESPN. Or as NBC calls 5 Million viewers, a pretty good year.

Johnny Manziel is still the favorite in Las Vegas to be named the Offensive Rookie of the Year. After flipping off the Redskins bench, being seen out late and Cleveland bars and flashing his “money” sign, who could possibly prove themselves to be any more offensive?

Tiger Woods says he will stop Rory McIlroy from winning the Masters in 2015. Apparently he has a secret plan to sneak into his room and shut off his alarm clock.

A report says that Jon Bon Jovi’s bid to buy the Buffalo Bills is “on life support.” Pretty much like the Bill’s chance of getting into the playoffs. 

A report says that Jon Bon Jovi’s bid to buy the Buffalo Bills is “on life support.” To put it in perspective, Bon Jovi has about as good a chance as sitting in the front office as he does being best man at Richie Sambora’s second wedding with Heather Locklear.

Archaeologists say that a 2,800 year old tomb in Greece was decorated with zig zag designed art. When the word got out of a tomb full of zig zags, they thought they had stumbled on the grave site of Jerry Garcia.

A study says that spiders thrive better in the city than their counterparts in the country. Mostly because people living in the city are easier to bite since they are so much larger and don’t seem to move around as much.

NASA says it wants to put rodents on the International Space Station. Apparently they are trying to make visiting Russian cosmonauts more at home by giving them the nostalgic feeling of what it used to be like on Mir.

A report says that Microsoft will introduce Windows 9 next month. Which explains why Steve Ballmer was in such a hurry to resign from the board and take over the L.A. Clippers.

A report says that Microsoft will introduce Windows 9 next month. Unfortunately, it will be hard to get the word out to people who can’t get access to the Internet because their computer is running on Windows 8.

A browser extension warns users when articles they are reading were written by advertisers. Sort of like how the articles on Fox News’ website are pretty much all written by the Republican Party.

The FDA has approved technology that turns smartphones into stroke detectors. Mostly when you feel like having a stroke when the person sitting next to you in a restaurant or movie theater won’t put down their phone.

Google has gotten a patent to make Glass look like ordinary specs. Which means you will be able to get prescription lenses for them that allows you to see the mob coming after you when they realize you are wearing Google Glass.

A new app tells the user how much time they are spending on their smartphone. Which is probably too much if you need an app to tell you how much time you are spending on your smartphone.

A new app tells the user how much time they are spending on their smartphone. Which is a better method than finding out you are spending too much time on your smartphone when your wife punches you for checking your e-mails at 3:00 in the morning.

The product chief at LinkedIn is leaving the company. Apparently he is the first person to actually get a new job using LinkedIn.

Researchers say that typing and text patterns on a computer keyboard can tell what a person is feeling. For instance, writing threatening letters in all caps is probably a sign the person is trying to reach customer service at United Airlines.

Researchers say that typing and text patterns on a computer keyboard can tell what a person is feeling. A good example is someone writing to their lawyer is probably sad knowing they are about to lose half of what they own after their wife catches them sending notes to their girlfriends on Facebook.

Bank of America will be able to write off $12 Billion of the $17 Billion settlement with the government for starting the mortgage crisis. Which is only fair considering how much of a writeoff they gave everyone else who lost everything they owned in the housing crash. 

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s Friday, and you know what that means. Yesterday was Thursday. And tomorrow is Saturday. And so on. Now that we have that settled, who cares? We always end up right back on Monday and time for work again. That’s a depressing cycle. Hope you all have a great weekend and are ready to take on the jokes again Monday. At least you get a two day break from that. The weekend also gives you 48 hours to find just a couple of minutes to remember to send the love! 

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that 109 Million Americans are on some sort of welfare. And that doesn’t even count all the GM executives who took their bonuses from the government bailout.

The NFL is asking the band Coldplay to hand over some of their future earnings to play the Super Bowl half time show. The NFL is so cheap that they are also considering taking away Milk Bone privileges from the Puppy Bowl.

The Dallas Cowboys have become the first sports franchise to top $3 Billion in value. Mostly because now that the Clippers have sold for $2 Billion that has to be the starting point for the net worth of every other team on the planet.

An 86 year old Utah woman has written what is being called a steamy romance novel. The raunchiest scene has the book’s heartthrob in bed with all five of his wives at once.

An 86 year old Utah woman has written what is being called a steamy romance novel. Mostly because since it takes place in Utah so there is no drinking, smoking or swearing so she had to fill the pages with something.

An Atlantic City casino lost $21,000 when it fell off an armored car. The good news is that the casino made it all back in a half hour when they opened up an extra buffet line.

An Atlantic City casino lost $21,000 when it fell off an armored car. Now they know how their customers feel after fifteen minutes playing Roulette.

A dating website matches people by the dogs they own. Which is ironic in that any women looking for men on a dating website are already prepared to be matched up with a dog.

A dating website matches people by the dogs they own. So far it is a lot more successful than the website that looks for men who want to date women who have a house full of more than 20 cats.

A 16 year old South Carolina boy was arrested after writing an assignment where he said he would like to kill a dinosaur with a gun. Charges were dropped when he changed it to say he would like to ride a dinosaur to plant a Confederate flag at the White House.

A study says TSA body scanners routinely miss guns, knives and explosives. Mostly because unless the weapons are being smuggled on a plane by a hot babe, none of the TSA agents are even going to bother looking in the first place.

A prayer rally was held in Atlantic City before three casinos were closed down. Although ironically, seeing three casinos close down answered the prayers of most of the gamblers’ wives.

A prayer rally was held in Atlantic City before three casinos were closed down. Which is the first time anyone has prayed outside a casino for anything other than a chance to win their money back.

The U.S. is warning Americans to beware of canceled flights when traveling to Venezuela. Or any time they book a trip anywhere on United Airlines.

A study says that tuberculosis is newer than thought, being brought over from Africa to the New World 6,000 years ago. Apparently the disease became an epidemic when the seals started performing in front of crowds playing songs on their air horns.

Data says that middle class families’ income is lower now than when the economy crashed back in 2007. Mostly because middle class now refers to anyone who even has an income anymore.

China has warned Pope Francis I not to “interfere” with their country’s religion. Apparently they thought he just wanted to visit to find a company that would give him a good deal on some new Pope hats.

China has warned Pope Francis I not to “interfere” with their country’s religion. That’s like asking a politician to stop trying to find ways to get campaign donations.

A report says more billionaires are born in Chicago than anywhere else other than New York City. Mostly because the odds of becoming extremely wealthy increase exponentially the closer you can get to Oprah.

A report from the Tax Foundation says the least expensive state to live in is Mississippi. For one thing, living there pretty much eliminates anyone from having to budget any money for shoes, books or dental care.

Data says that the average American spent $35,498 in 2012. Which was easy to figure out since that is how much they still have left on their credit card bill from that year.

Data says that the average American spent $35,498 in 2012. When put against income, taxes and investments that means they came in with a net loss of $35,498.

A poll says that worker satisfaction with job security is the highest in 21 years. Economists were surprised. Was there a major depression 22 years ago we forgot about?

A poll says that worker satisfaction with job security is the highest in 21 years. That’s because employers know there is no way they will find anyone who would want to take our jobs and do all the extra work for such low pay. 

GM has offered a new round of discounts for the Labor Day weekend. Not only are the prices lower, the company promises that people will be able to drive them after getting them back from all the recalls by Thanksgiving.

Auto recalls have caused stock prices at Hertz to fall. The biggest problem was complaints from customers who were asked to pick up and drop off their cars at the repair shop.

A report says the median income in the U.S. has risen for the past three years. That’s because while most people’s incomes went down, the average was brought up for everyone with the additional billions made by the Zuckerberg, Gates and Buffett households.

Russia has closed down four McDonald’s restaurants for sanitary violations. How dirty were those restaurants when the cleanliness was a bigger issue than what is in their food?

What is being called the largest collection of Madonna memorabilia will be put up for auction. In other words, even Madonna is needing to make money by selling her stuff on eBay.

What is being called the largest collection of Madonna memorabilia will be put up for auction. Not to say she is getting a little older, but even her bullet bras are being sold as dud rounds.

Suzanne Somers is blaming the producers of “Three’s Company” for ruining her TV career. Mostly for casting her to be on “Three’s Company.”

Suzanne Somers is blaming the producers of “Three’s Company” for ruining her TV career. Everyone else is blaming the Thigh Master for bringing it back.

Meg Ryan and John Mellancamp are splitting after three years. Which at least puts Meg Ryan’s and John Mellancamp’s names back in the news for the first time in three years.

Cindy Crawford has pulled her kids out of Malibu High School because of concerns over toxins in the building. As opposed to the other public schools in L.A. she could enroll them in that dave dangerously high levels of lead flying through the air.

Ukrainian 16 year old Lolita Richi says her Barbie doll proportioned 32F bra size and 20 inch waist are natural with no plastic surgery, photoshopping or dieting. She won’t have to think about doing any of that until she is at least 20.

Ryan Seacrest says he is setting new goals now that he is turning 40. The first thing he wants to do is actually go shopping for clothes that don’t come in sizes from the boys’ department.

Former “Jersey Shore” stars Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Sammi “Sweeheart” Giancola have reportedly ended their relationship. Or as cast members call it, they were not renewed for another season.

Former “Jersey Shore” stars Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Sammi “Sweeheart” Giancola have reportedly ended their relationship. Viewers were shocked. “Jersey Shore” cast members have relationships?

Rapper Gucci Make was sentenced to three years in prison on federal gun charges. Which is big news for anyone still living in 1987.

A football game between UCF and Penn State scheduled to be played in Ireland is being threatened by a volcanic eruption in Iceland. Which is pretty much the only way that a football game between UCF and Penn State is going to get any attention from anyone.

A football game between UCF and Penn State scheduled to be played in Ireland is being threatened by a volcanic eruption in Iceland. The only good news is that it will be the first game ever attended for either team by students with a geology major.

A baseball autographed by Little League sensation Mo’ne Davis is being auctioned on eBay for $500. It’s being considered a rarity in that there is a 13 year old who actually knows how to write in cursive.

Major League Baseball has upheld the Giants’ appeal of a rain shortened game in Chicago where the tarp wasn’t put on the field in time. You can’t blame the Cubs who figure a rainout is better than the outcomes of most the games they actually finish.

A study says that snakes use greater force than necessary to grip trees they are climbing. Mostly because it’s hard to throw a rope over the branches when you don’t have any arms or hands.

An analysis says that by 2020, the Internet of things will reach 212 Billion devices. Having the refrigerator wired to the Internet will do just about everything we need except get it to walk over to where we are vegetating on the couch.

A diversity report from Pandora shows the Internet radio station that is based in diverse Oakland, California is still mostly white. Although that was already pretty much assumed when all the channels kept featuring Taylor Swift, Hank Williams, Jr. and ABBA.

A new online dry cleaning and clothes washing service called Washio has raised $14 Million of investment money. The only problem is that authorities are afraid much of the money will end up being laundered.

PG&E says that the utility won’t be bankrupted by fines from a deadly pipeline explosion. They are a utility company. They’ll just triple the rates until they get their money back.

Researchers say that traffic lights are vulnerable to being hacked. How bad are you at hacking when you leave the credit card and bank accounts alone because the only thing you can figure out is how to change a light from green to red?

Sea plankton was found on the outer surface of the International Space Station. Either it is the biggest mystery ever encountered in outer space or someone at NASA accidentally sent out the plot line from an episode of “SpongeBob” as a press release.

That’s it for now, Oh faithful Readers! I am off to perform the “ice bucket challenge” at a local high school. Usually the “ice bucket challenge” refers to living anywhere in Wisconsin. Most of my readers would love to dump a bucket of ice water on my head. At least you can live vicariously today. I will be able to warm right up again as soon as I get back to find you all have remembered to send the love!

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A New Jersey man celebrated his 101st birthday at the job he has had for 73 years. Apparently he was afraid to take time off to celebrate his birthday or he might be standing in an unemployment line for number 102.

A New Jersey man celebrated his 101st birthday at the job he has had for 73 years. He feels it’s better to keep working than have to try to find something to do every day in New Jersey.

Pope Francis I says he has only “two or three years” before he goes to the “Father’s House.” That’s why this Pope is so popular with Americans. The can identify with someone else who is going have to work until they die.

Pope Francis I says he has only “two or three years” before he goes to the “Father’s House.” Apparently even God needs a couple more years to get the Pope’s 401(k) account back to where it was before the crash.

A 3,300 square foot condo in Monaco is being listed at $400 Million. Not to say it is one of the most expensive pieces of real estate in the world, but the pool boy that comes with the property is Michael Phelps.

A study says that having good neighbors makes for a healthier heart. Which is good news for any cardiologists whose offices are located near where Justin Bieber is living.

A climber fell to his death at Yosemite shortly after proposing to his girlfriend. The worst part is that she thought it was really corny of him to show her how much he was falling for her.

The price of ground beef has set an all time record at $3.88 a pound. Remember when gassing up the car to take everyone out for burgers didn’t count as the family vacation?

A 4.2 magnitude earthquake shook central Oklahoma Tuesday. People there like the fact that they can now enjoy the California experience without having to worry about cleaning Justin Bieber’s eggs off their house.

TV sales in Somalia have gone up as people are afraid to leave their homes for safety reasons. The good news is that people in the U.S. are shipping their TV sets to Somalia as a charity move and so they don’t have to watch one more episode of “The Kardashians.”

Ridesharing site Uber has hired President Obama’s former campaign manager David Plouffe to help plan their marketing strategy. Which makes sense since it was Obama’s policies that have caused people to lose their cars and have to hitch a ride with someone else.

Former Lehman Brothers bankers have won a battle to get their pensions paid in full. It’s nice that the Lehman workers will get a pension to enjoy their retirement since their actions helped so many other people retire way before they ever expected.

Steve Ballmer has resigned from the board of Microsoft in order to take over the helm at the L.A. Clippers. There is just no way one person could try to take on two hopeless projects like the Clippers and Windows 8 at the same time.

Studies show that driving with dementia poses safety risks. Especially when the driver has to keep trying to remember if red means “go” or “stop.”

Studies show that driving with dementia poses safety risks. There’s no reason for them to be driving, especially when they finally get where they are going and can’t remember why they went in the first place.

Starbucks is testing mobile stores at some college campuses. The good news is that once they get the monthly bill, students’ parents will think by comparison their tuition loan payment isn’t that bad after all.

A survey shows that ticket prices on United Airlines flights can vary by as much as 18%. The airline says it is hard to keep prices consistent when you have people who were paying Christmas holiday air fares but weren’t able to make all their connections until March.

More parents are keeping pictures of their kids off Facebook. They just don’t have enough room on their cellphone’s memory to have pictures of the family as well as all the photos they are posting of every meal they are eating.

Dick’s Sporting Goods is making cuts in its golf department, writing off $2.4 Million in clubs. Since they couldn’t sell the clubs they let their employees treat them like they would have been if they were sold, being thrown out in the middle of a water hazard.

Dick’s Sporting Goods is making cuts in its golf department, writing off $2.4 Million in clubs. They got rid of all their old golf clubs except for women’s 9 irons which thanks to Elin Nordegren are now being considered for sale as self defense weapons.

Taco Bell is introducing a new dollar menu where all items cost one dollar. Although that doesn’t include the amount a customer should tip the cashier for performing CPR or using the defibrillator after they’ve eaten.

Ridesharing site Uber is launching a drug store delivery service. Which means dealers can now just have their phony prescriptions picked up and delivered to their clients at home without having to stand around at the park all day looking for business.

A study says that people spend less time on their 401(k) plan than they do when buying a car. Mostly because they know the car they are buying still has a chance of being around in another 5 years.

A study says that people spend less time on their 401(k) plan than they do when buying a car. Mostly because they need to give special attention to picking the right car because it might be any day that they have to start living in it.

Justin Bieber’s fragrance sales have dropped dramatically the past few months. It’s unfortunate because it was nice he had something to sell that didn’t smell as bad as his music.

McDonald’s coffee will be coming to supermarkets soon. All you need to do to get the McDonald’s experience is add scalding water and pour onto your own lap.

A survey says that Americans only take half of their available vacation time. Mostly because when they are with their family, they still miss what they do every day in the office. Which is watching porn, playing fantasy football and going out for drinks at lunch.

The White House says it will change the rules of who is placed on the No Fly List. At this time the people who never get off the ground are suspected terrorists, convicted terrorists and passengers on United Airlines.

NBA referee Dick Bavetta is retiring after 39 years on the job. He says he will miss being recognized everywhere he goes. Even if it is by people who thinks he was the guy who sold them their shoes at Foot Locker.

NBA referee Dick Bavetta is retiring after 39 years on the job. He says he will spend his retirement doing the same thing the NBA players do every time the have the ball. Travel.

A UK study says that one in ten people have no close friends. No one had any idea there were that many lawyers.

A UK study says that one in ten people have no close friends. The other nine make new acquaintances every day when they have to ride the bus, hitchhike or carpool to get around.

A study says that physical fitness boosts kids’ brainpower. Remember when the smartest kids were the ones who were able to figure out how to get out of gym class every day?

A study says that male virginity pledges are confused and lost when it comes to sex after marriage. To which all other men are asking what made them think there was such a thing as sex after marriage?

A study says that male virginity pledges are confused and lost when it comes to sex after marriage. Especially when their wife tells them to just be like everyone else and leave a twenty on the night stand when they are done.

A study says that daughters are twice as likely to care for aging parents as sons. Mostly by the parents’ choice since they know they won’t last more than a few days having to rely on their sons.

A study says that children face higher health risks from cellphones than adults. Especially when the adult in charge of them is using the cellphone to text while they are driving the kids around.

A study says a 4 year old child’s ability to draw a picture is linked to their intelligence level when they are 14. Which isn’t very high if they are still working on the same picture ten years later.

Don Pardo, the long time announcer of “Saturday Night Live” has died at age 96. Which means for him this weekend will just be “Saturday Night.”

Casey Kasem will be buried in Norway, a decision his wife made because of her heritage. However, Kasem’s wishes were to be buried in L.A. It’s hoped the families can compromise and just have the funeral in Solvang.

Casey Kasem will be buried in Norway, a decision his wife made because of her heritage. While his children aren’t invited to the services, Jean Kasem says they are free to make a request for a long distance dedication.

Jenni “JWoww” Farley from “Jersey Shore” says she has sworn off sex with her fiancee after giving birth to a baby girl in July. Mostly because the cast members pretty much have sex only when it involves an audition or the shooting of a reality show.

Gisele Bundchen has been named by Forbes as the highest paid model in the world, making $47 Million last year. It’s nice to see someone actually makes more money to put clothes on than Kim Kardashian does to take them off.

A survey says that 7 in 10 NFL players think that Johnny Manziel will succeed in the league. How much worse can he do than signing for $8 Million without taking a single snap?

A survey says that 7 in 10 NFL players think that Johnny Manziel will succeed in the league. The other three say no matter how well he does, he won’t be a success until he gets out of Cleveland.

The NFL is considering charging performers to play the halftime show at the Super Bowl. Mostly because sales tend to go up after the show because the TV audience is so drunk that they start to sound pretty good by then.

The NFL is considering charging performers to play the halftime show at the Super Bowl. Although if they ever bring the Rolling Stones back they will give them the Early Bird discount.

Mo’ne Davis has become the first Little Leaguer to ever make the cover of Sports Illustrated. It’s also the first time a female has made the cover wearing something besides a bathing suit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I can hardly wait for August to be over. Mostly because it’s not a great comedy month. To which readers of this blog will argue that every month is not a great comedy month, but I say that August is particularly bad. Mostly because Congress is on vacation the entire month. Which of course they are on vacation every month but this time they are out of Washington, D.C. which really cuts down on the easy material. Don’t worry, things will get funnier the closer we get to November and the general election. Until then, hang in there and we’ll get through this. Just remember to keep on sending the love!

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Police in Detroit are telling citizens to buy guns to protect themselves. Just in case they need to go to the store or the bank and don’t want to lug along their grenade launchers, bazookas and howitzers.

A report says the Army has written a manual anticipating full scale riots across the U.S. Which means the Lakers are now the top pick to win next year’s NBA Championship.

A report says interest in smartphone apps is waning. Industry experts are looking around to see if there is an app for that.

A report says interest in smartphone apps is waning. Apparently people have moved on from wearing a fake phone mustache and from losing all their friends from constantly texting them “Yo!”

Melbourne, Australia and Auckland, New Zealand have been picked in a survey by travelers as the friendliest cities in the world. Mostly because they are too far away for the French to use as vacation sites.

London is the most influential city in the world, according to Forbes. While any city in Scotland was chosen as the most driving-under-the-influential.

A billionaire hedge fund manager says that 99.5% of Americans are not super-sophisticated. Mostly because that is the number of people who think a hedge fund is the money set aside by people to have their landscaping trimmed.

A billionaire hedge fund manager says that 99.5% of Americans are not super-sophisticated. Mostly because the people who used to watch “The Beverly Hillbillies” in the 1960s have now simply moved on to “Duck Dynasty.”

A morgue attendant in Ohio has confessed to having sex with more than 100 corpses. Which really skews any surveys he might have participated in concerning dating people you have met at work.

A morgue attendant in Ohio has confessed to having sex with more than 100 corpses. Which meant his dates were even getting more stiff during sex than him.

A study says that 36% of all Americans haven’t saved anything for when they retire. Mostly because the same number haven’t saved anything to buy an elephant even though the odds of both are about the same.

A study says that 36% of all Americans haven’t saved anything for when they retire. The other 64% are pretty much hoping just to be close to being out of debt by the time they reach retirement age.

A report says that NBC paid David Gregory $4 Million for his silence about leaving NBC. If they really wanted no one to hear what he had to say, they should have left him as the host of “Meet The Press.”

Students in Iowa are being made to wear heart monitors in gym class to make sure they are physically active. The monitors mean that their participation can be monitored by the gym coach who never has to get up off their chair in the teachers’ lounge. 

Students in Iowa are being made to wear heart monitors in gym class to make sure they are physically active. Forget about gym class. How about a monitor to see if they are still conscious during math?

A 72 year old woman flying to Florida on Delta Airlines was kicked off her flight because she “looked sick.” Apparently she appeared tired and drowsy which could have meant she was carrying a communicable disease like Ebola. Or it could have meant she was 72 years old.

A 72 year old woman flying to Florida on Delta Airlines was kicked off her flight because she “looked sick.” A flight attendant had never seen anyone look that bad who wasn’t in the middle of a trip on United.

A report says that Los Angeles is looking at a $1.5 Billion bill to fix its infrastructure. It will be the most expensive facelift in southern California history that didn’t involve Joan Rivers or Cher.

A report says in the developing world, the most dangerous day in the life of most people is the day they are born. As opposed to Chicago where it is pretty much every day after that.

Officials in Turkey are outraged at reports they were spied on by the Germans. Other countries were also concerned. What useful information could anyone possibly hope to get by spying on Turkey?

Hunters in Alabama caught a record 1,000 pound alligator. The people of Alabama have only one word to describe anything with a mouth flashing so many teeth. Tourist.

Adult films made in California can remain condom free as the legislature failed to pass a bill mandating them. Trojan came that close to becoming the first to ever get credit in an adult movie for “wardrobe.”

A study says that hospitalizations and deaths from heart disease have dropped by a third in the past ten years. Mostly because so many people are getting killed by distracted driving before ever getting close to being old enough to develop heart issues.

Taco Bell has rolled out its “Dollar Cravings” menu. How bad is the economy when even Taco Bell has to lower prices to make it possible for people to afford to eat there?

The University of New England is looking for a doctoral student to study how chocolate works. Is that really necessary? Ask any woman who will tell you that chocolate works just fine.

A forecast says that half of all cars sold by 2039 will be self driving. Which is great news for GM customers who can stay at home while their cars drive back to the shop by themselves for all the latest recalls.

The USDA says the cost of raising a child to age 18 is new $245,340. Unless they don’t go to college, which means that drops the total to $437.

The USDA says the cost of raising a child to age 18 is new $245,340. The worst part is that doesn’t even cover bail, wrecked cars and legal fees.

A report says that tourists, cruise companies and chains are flocking to Alaska. Apparently global warming is attracting people who want to go where their vacation has a lower chance of being cut short by spontaneous combustion.

SI.com is reportedly judging its writers by the appeal they have to advertisers. To which most people who just look at Sports Illustrated for the swimsuit issues are saying, “Sports Illustrated has writers?”

McDonald’s is reportedly trying to lose its reputation for serving cheap, unhealthy food. Which will be more than a little difficult since people have been going to McDonald’s for fifty years because they serve cheap, unhealthy food.

A solar plant in California’s Mojave Desert is reportedly generating so much heat it is frying birds in mid-air. In a related story, KFC just announced six new locations in the Mojave Desert.

Dollar General has offered $9.7 Billion to buy out Family Dollar. This is the first time there has ever been this much interest in businesses that deal in one dollar transactions that don’t have a pole stuck in the middle of the floor.

The new Corvette comes with technology that records what valet attendants are doing with your car. Although after making the monthly payment on the car and filling the tank, most Corvette owners don’t have enough to go anywhere that actually has valet parking.

A poll says that fewer workers in the U.S. are worried about having job setbacks. Mostly because how much farther can you be set back than working as a minimum wage convenience store cashier?

Scientists say they are fighting cancer with bee, scorpion and snake venom. While they have had great luck fighting the cancer, most of their patients are dying after being stung or bitten by all the scorpions, bees and snakes.

A study says that women are better at pacing themselves while running than men. However, men are much better at pacing themselves drinking a case of beer on the couch while watching every televised football game on Sunday.

A study says that people’s personalities are the most stable during middle age. Mostly because when they are younger they are anxious about if they will ever get married and when they are older they are anxious about having anything left after the divorce.

A study says that high intensity workouts are safe for heart transplant patients. Mostly because they can’t be any worse than not doing any exercise which caused them to need the transplant in the first place.

A study says that high intensity workouts are safe for heart transplant patients. The only people it isn’t safe for will be the people who get shot in the face now that Dick Cheney has been given the OK to go hunting again.

A study says that high intensity workouts are safe for heart transplant patients. Although the transplant patients who really want to get back into shape are the ones who feel much younger already after their hair transplants.

A study says that children’s diseases tend to move across the U.S. from the south to the north. A related study says that STD’s pretty much move in every direction out from Paris Hilton’s house.

Sylvester Stallone says he had a rivalry with Arnold Schwarzenegger and “wanted to strangle” him back in the 1980s. The ironic part is that if he had put his hands around Arnold’s neck, when he tried to yell for help it would have sounded just like dialogue from a Stallone movie.

Sylvester Stallone says he had a rivalry with Arnold Schwarzenegger and “wanted to strangle” him back in the 1980s. Which is interesting in that Maria Shriver didn’t get that same feeling until about three years ago.

Sylvester Stallone says he had a rivalry with Arnold Schwarzenegger and “wanted to strangle” him back in the 1980s. Stallone is 68 now and one day still plans to give him a real icy glare.

The Duggar family from “19 Kids & Counting” says they don’t date, they court. They aren’t the only reality stars who do that. Kim Kardashian also finds most of her romantic relationships eventually wind up in court.

82 year old Debbie Reynolds will be given the SAG Lifetime Achievement Award. Although it may not be the best idea when around a Hollywood star that old to use the term “sag.”

A&E will air a show called “Lachey’s Bar” which features Nick and Drew Lachey running their own bar. In other words, their careers have sunk to now bartending for tip money while hoping someone calls for an audition.

Britney Spears is being accused of lip syncing the song “Perfume” during her Las Vegas show. Which is big news if you have never read anything about Britney Spears over the course of her entire career.

Britney Spears is being accused of lip syncing the song “Perfume” during her Las Vegas show. Only Britney could take a song with that title and still stink it up.

Honda Accord and Civic sedans were reportedly the two most stolen vehicles last year. Fortunately for most GM owners, their cars are hard to steal while they are still in the dealer’s repair shop for the latest recall.

The federal government says 1,000 lives could be saved a year if auto manufacturers would make cars that talk to each other. Or in the case of New York City, just be able to give each other the finger.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am now the proud father of a brown belt Karate student. My daughter Summer was promoted to brown belt last night, which means two more belts to go to be awarded her black belt. The only down side is having a teenager who can kick my behind. Although I am catching up to her, just two belts behind after being promoted to blue belt last night. I started taking Karate myself after seeing some of the comments about these jokes. You can’t be too careful. But it’s so much easier to put aside the violence and instead just remembering to send the love!