Monday, September 01, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A poll says the average American’s work week is now between 47 and 60 hours. Mostly to make up all the time they waste in the office looking at Facebook and porn.

A poll says the average American’s work week is now between 47 and 60 hours. Mostly to try to make the same amount of money they did before the recession when their wages were cut in half.

The U.S. Forest Service has published a paper on how to safely roast marshmallows. Mostly because the Forest Service is tired of having to put out forest fires caused by people trying to roast marshmallows.

Ecuador is planning the first digital currency issued by a central bank. The only bad part is that the currency has already lost half its value because of a 50% voucher offered online by Groupon.

Ecuador is planning the first digital currency issued by a central bank in order to abandon the U.S. dollar. To give you an idea how weak the dollar is, before Ecuador came up with the idea of replacing the dollar with a digital currency they were thinking about going with Chuck E. Cheese tokens.

More layoffs are expected at CNN, with President Jeff Zucker saying the network is “going to do less and have to do it with less.” Mostly because they are having to charge less for commercials because they have so many less viewers anymore.

Russia is claiming that NATO satellite pictures of Russian tanks moving into the Ukraine were taken off a video game. Apparently their first clue was when they noticed one of the tanks was being driving by Mario and Luigi.

The first 4D rollercoaster is set to open at Six Flags in San Antonio, Texas next year. The fourth dimension is time, as anyone going to San Antonio is constantly reminded about how Texans are still planning one day to get revenge for the Alamo.

Researchers say a telepathic message was sent 5,000 miles between two people using only their minds. The message went from a man to a woman which said “So, what are you wearing?”

Experts say that microchip implants could be common in people in the next decade. Although if the chips can make people smarter, women still have a better chance to get dates by sticking to the breast implants.

Experts say that microchip implants could be common in people in the next decade. If they want to use the chips to find people, how about just texting them on the cellphone they are always staring at?

Butter prices have reached an all time high. Which means there has never been a better time than now for the inevitable comeback of Paula Deen.

Egg throwing and road rage incidents have marked the division of Scotland over its upcoming vote for independence. Either that or Justin Bieber has given up his Canadian citizenship to live in the UK.

Professional wrestling has returned to the ring in North Korea. Fans will be able to watch men in funny outfits and bad haircuts parade around making fake threats about how they are going to annihilate their opponents. Which Which in North Korea is also known as a speech by Kim Jong-il.

A dog in New Jersey was able to turn on a stove which started a fire. At least that’s what the dog’s owners told the insurance company when they filed to collect on their recently upgraded $3 Million homeowners policy.

A 5 year old Pennsylvania boy says he brought a loaded gun to school so that his 3 year old brother wouldn’t have found it at home. Apparently his brother wasn’t too happy about finding the last of the Twinkies disappeared from the snack drawer.

The Corvette Museum in Kentucky is set to fill in a sinkhole that swallowed eight cars. The Corvettes were in the museum as they were just a few of the cars GM has made since 1963 that haven’t been recalled.

California lawmakers have passed a bill that would outlaw plastic bags at stores. The legislators feel that plastic should only be used to make the credit cards that are used by lobbyists to make their campaign donations, kickbacks and bribes.

A Virginia jury will decide if former Governor Bob McDonnell was corrupt in office or was just a hapless husband. To which Bill Clinton furiously called his legal team to say “Why didn’t we know that could be used as a defense?”

A Guatemalan woman has been ruled eligible for asylum in the U.S. because of domestic abuse. Which means that illegal alien women now know the fastest way to get into the country is by dating an NFL player.

Residents in the Hamptons were shocked to find recruitment posters from the KKK had been placed around their area. Why would the KKK try to find people to stop minorities from moving into an area where they haven’t been sighted since right before the Civil War?

President Obama gave a Labor Day speech where he urged Americans to not take their rights for granted. Although pretty much the only right most Americans ever get to exercise anymore is the right to remain silent.

A new drug to prevent heart failure has done very well in a recent test. In fact, it was able to hold off heart failure in most patients until they got the pharmacy bill for the prescription.

Wal-Mart is offering health care clinics in some of their stores that charge $40 for customers and $4 for employees. Which is different to the health care plan that most Wal-Mart customers have access to, which is buying bulk boxes of bandaids and aspirin.

Wal-Mart is offering health care clinics in some of their stores that charge $40 for customers and $4 for employees. Although going to a big box store for health care usually results in the patient ending up in a big box.

The influx of college students into the U.S. from China has been tapering off. Mostly because many Chinese feel the only reason to get an education here is to get a job which they have already taken most of the ones we used to have in the U.S.

Data says the average California biker is over 50, married and educated with money. Although now their idea of terrorizing locals around the state is by going into restaurants and ordering Dom Perignon Champagne and telling the sommelier to serve it in a mug.

American Airlines is back on Orbitz following a three day spat over fees. Which means anyone who was unable to book a flight during that time still managed to get where they were going faster than anyone who was going to the same destination on United.

Houston Astros GM Jeff Lunhow is using “moneyball” statistics to try to bring success to the team. Although it still looks like the only numbers that are going to help the Astros are the ones used by their tax preparers to help write off all the deductions from finishing in last place again.

New startups are offering banking to younger customers who can do all their transactions with their smartphones. Who would probably have more money to put in the bank if they would do something other than staring at their smartphone screens all day.

A study says that car technology systems are failing consumers. Although it is handy to have GPS in your car so the manufacturer can figure out where it is when they need to come pick it up for all the recall repairs they need to do on it.

A federal judge in California has approved a plan to reduce the number of mentally ill inmates who are kept in isolation. Which is just what you want to hear when you are a prisoner, that your new cellmate is someone coming in fresh from the mental ward.

Biomedical engineering students at Johns Hopkins have invented a way to stop extensive bleeding on the battlefield. Now their parents are just hoping they can figure out a way to stop the bleeding when they get their kids’ yearly tuition statements.

A study says that second hand smoke from e-cigarettes contains toxins. In fact, if anyone exposed long enough they could end up with e-cancer.

Harrison Ford is back on the set of “Star Wars VII” after breaking his ankle. The good news is that having to push Ford around the set in his wheelchair finally meant there was a job in the production for Mark Hamill.

Harrison Ford is back on the set of “Star Wars VII” after breaking his ankle. The only bad part is that the Millennium Falcon is now just a pimped out Rascal scooter.

Britney Spears has broken up with her boyfriend David Lucado, who was reportedly seen kissing another woman. Apparently he just liked being around a set of lips that didn’t only move to a recorded soundtrack.

Controversy continues over an expert saying that “Hello Kitty” is not a cat, because in part she walks on two legs. If that is the case, then what is Disney’s Goofy if he walks on two legs and has a pet dog Pluto who walks on four?

Controversy continues over an expert saying that “Hello Kitty” is not a cat, but a little girl. If that is the case, those whiskers are the worst pre-pubescent case of facial hair ever.

The movies are experiencing their worst summer since 1997. Which is really bad when you consider some of the summer releases since then include “Gigli”, “Battlefield Earth” and “Sex And The City 2.”

Marisa Tomei and Hugh Grant will star in the upcoming romantic comedy “Rewrite.” Which is really big news for anyone still living in 1992.

Marisa Tomei and Hugh Grant will star in the upcoming romantic comedy “Rewrite.” Which actually wasn’t the original name of the movie, but instructions from studio executives after finding out there was a romantic comedy planned with Marisa Tomei and Hugh Grant.

Marisa Tomei and Hugh Grant will star in the upcoming romantic comedy “Rewrite.” The movie features Grant as a washed up Hollywood star who hasn’t had a hit in the past 15 years. In other words, it is a documentary.

President Obama says that social media lets people see how messy the world is. Although it would make the world seem even more messy if people instead posted pictures of the dirty dishes left over from the meals they now put on Facebook.

President Obama says that social media lets people see how messy the world is. Especially the tweets that try to explain his economic, domestic and foreign policies.

A report says the new iPhone 6 will have environmental sensors that will measure the temperature and barometric pressure. Which will come in handy to help locate the phones where another diner throws it out the window of a restaurant where the owner has been talking on it non-stop through their entire meal.

A report says the new iPhone 6 will have environmental sensors that will measure the temperature and barometric pressure. Which is great for anyone who needs to tell their friends how hot and swollen things are getting inside their pants pocket.

IBM’s supercomputer Watson is being used to create new ideas for recipes. Ever since he was banned from “Jeopardy!” it looks like his only chance to get back on TV is for Paula Deen’s old spot on the Food Network.

IBM’s supercomputer Watson is being used to create new ideas for recipes. The former “Jeopardy!” champ is using its acquired knowledge to make meals for as many as twenty or for someone who just wants a quick byte.

Werner Franz, the last surviving member of the crew of the ill-fated Hindenburg zeppelin has died at age 92. The only difference is his cremation will take place 77 years after all the others.

A Mexican woman has been unofficially declared the oldest person in the world at 127. Authorities knew she had to be at least 120 since she was actually able to be caught by the Border Patrol.

A Mexican woman has been unofficially declared the oldest person in the world at 127. She has 73 great-grandchildren and 55 great-great-grandchildren. She has been able to fight off Alzheimer’s Disease so far by keeping her brain busy just trying to figure out which relatives to send birthday cards to every day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a good Labor Day weekend. You can see how I spent mine, writing more lame jokes. That wasn’t very productive. But it beats mowing the lawn. Although I have been told that watching someone mow the lawn is actually more entertaining than this blog. Well, if any of these puts a smile on your face, all I ever ask is that you remember to send the love!


Friday, August 29, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


German Chancellor Angela Merkel says the U.S. can’t solve all the world’s problems anymore. Although at this point it would be nice if we could just solve a few of our own.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says the U.S. can’t solve all the world’s problems anymore. But we could start by paying back some of the money we have borrowed and stop invading every time we run low on oil.

Financial experts say the market could correct by as much as 60%. Most investors aren’t concerned as having 40% of their money is still better than losing it all like they did in 2008.

A report says that album sales are at an all-time low. The music industry knew it was in trouble earlier this year when Justin Bieber, Katy Perry and Beyonce were all outsold by “Weird Al” Yankovic.

A report says that album sales are at an all-time low. To which everyone under 30 is asking “What’s an album?”

A report says that Mohammed is the most popular name in Oslo. Apparently people finally got tired of calling every man and boy in Norway “Sven.”

A judge struck down a Utah law that makes polygamy illegal. Apparently the judge made the ruling as a wedding present to his fifth wife.

A judge struck down a Utah law that makes polygamy illegal. People were surprised. When was polygamy outlawed in Utah?

A judge struck down a Utah law that makes polygamy illegal. The ruling was based more on economics than anything else. Limiting men to just one wife would have put half the wedding planners in the state out of business.

A study says that people leave their personal bacteria behind wherever they go. Which means that it’s possible to figure out every place Paris Hilton has visited in the past ten years.

A deadly brain eating amoeba has been found in a water system in Louisiana. Which finally explains the whole “Duck Dynasty” thing.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were married in a private ceremony in France. They have been together nearly a decade and have six children. Apparently they thought it would be a good idea to make it official before the grandchildren started arriving.

A pediatric group is saying that school starts too early for most children. Most kids can’t even begin to start thinking about paying attention in a classroom until they have at least three hours at the video game console to wake them up.

The President of the Ukraine is urging the country not to panic in the wake of a Russian invasion. The people so far are cooperating. How much worse can things get than having to live in the Ukraine?

The U.S. is saying Russia has “outright lied” about the Ukraine. To which Russia responded that they still have a ways to go to catch us with our lies about Iraq, Afghanistan, Bosnia, Kuwait, Vietnam, Korea...

The man who killed John Lennon was denied parole but says he is sorry for being “an idiot.” Apparently he now sees the error of his ways and like everyone else has come to put the blame for the Beatles’ breakup on Yoko.

USC’s football coach says that cornerback Josh Shaw could still return to the team after lying about an injury. From now on he will have to promise to only lie about the number of times he has actually attended a class.

The NFL has toughened the ban against domestic abuse to six games. The league can now get back to preparing its celebration for when they eventually enshrine suspected murderer Ray Lewis to the Hall of Fame.

A survey of insurance companies says that Massachusetts has the worst drivers in the country. Apparently things have never gotten any better after the Pilgrims crashed the Mayflower into Plymouth Rock.

France is considering doing away with its 35 hour work week in favor of increasing it to 40 hours. It’s not like they need any extra time to shower to get ready to go to the office.

France is considering doing away with its 35 hour work week in favor of increasing it to 40 hours. French workers figure they will just have to get up a little earlier in order to have enough time to drink a couple of bottles of wine before heading off to work.

France is considering doing away with its 35 hour work week in favor of increasing it to 40 hours. Why would a country need to put in an extra five hours a week when their main industries are making berets and easels?

A survey says that top employees will see big bonuses this year and next. Of course, as usual the “top employees” will be determined by the companies to be their CEO and all the executives.

A report says that PC sales are surging to their highest numbers since 2010. Mostly for people who think a computer working on the new Windows 9 will give them something to do while they are still waiting for their Windows 8 PC to boot up.

A survey says that Americans are more anxious about the economy now than they were when the recession ended. People were surprised at the news. The recession ended?

A survey says that Americans are more anxious about the economy now than they were when the recession ended. Mostly because for the first time since the recession started they actually have a job, a home and a little money in the bank.

A survey says that Americans’s satisfaction with credit cards are up for the fifth straight year. Although that may change when the credit card companies ask them to start paying off some of their five year balance.

A study says that colleges are being attended by older students, with 40% now 25 or older. Possibly because most kids today aren’t graduating high school until they are 23.

A study says that colleges are being attended by older students, with 40% now 25 or older. The other 60% are still young, with the hope that they will be able to pay off their college loans before they reach their 80s.

Experts say that the 30,000 highway deaths every year in the U.S. could be eliminated with driverless cars. Which means that people will finally be safe while using their cars for what they were intended, drinking texting and having sex.

Abercrombie & Fitch will be dropping their logo from their clothes. It turns out the only reason the clothes were popular with kids is because they had to be at least a size XXXL to be able to fit all the letters across the front.

Denny’s has started an upscale location in New York City that offers a $300 brunch. It’s so expensive, the Grand Slam breakfast gets its name because the eggs are personally stepped on by Derek Jeter.

Denny’s has started an upscale location in New York City that offers a $300 brunch complete with Dom Perignon Champagne. If that is too high end, the Waffle House is going to have its own less expensive brunch featuring scrambled eggs and hash browns on a paper plate that comes with a bottle of Ripple.

The Commerce Department says the U.S. economy grew at a better than expected rate in the second quarter. Meaning that everyone was surprised it made it into the third quarter.

The Commerce Department says the U.S. economy grew at a better than expected rate in the second quarter. That is mostly because no one has expected the economy to grow at all since 2008.

Researchers say a walkway that causes people to stumble can help seniors prevent falls. Not really. The researchers just think it’s funny to trip all the old people.

A report says that two thirds of U.S. teens with mental health problems get counseling. The other one third with mental health problems don’t need counseling as they are more correctly diagnosed as being teenagers.

A study says that continuous jolts of magnetic pulses to the brain can improve a person’s memory. For one thing, they will make sure to remember not to go back to the research lab for another round of getting shocked.

Joan Rivers stopped breathing during a surgical procedure Thursday and was listed as critical. That’s news? Since when has Joan Rivers ever not been critical?

Joan Rivers stopped breathing during a surgical procedure Thursday and was listed as critical. Apparently she couldn’t get any air into her lungs because she has had so many facelifts her nose has actually been moved over her forehead.

A study says a tax on soda could help fight childhood obesity. Apparently the thinking is if they charge enough for soft drinks the kids won’t have enough money left to buy any pizza, ice cream or cheeseburgers.

Beyonce’s dad says the rumors of her divorce were fabricated to boost ticket sales. Which may have worked because there were a lot more Youtube views of Jay-Z being beaten up in an elevator by his sister-in-law than any of Beyonce’s latest music videos.

The U.S. has raised the fee to renounce a person’s citizenship by 422%. Or for people who want to save some money, the same thing can be pretty much be done for free by just announcing they have joined Al Queda.

Hewlett-Packard is recalling 6 Million power cords. The worst part is that they were designed to recharge any of GM’s recalled electric powered cars.

L.A. has canceled its $30 Million iPad in-the-school program. Apparently some kids got hold of an app that allows them to use their iPads for graffiti.

Samsung has launched a smartwatch that is able to also make calls. For one thing, it can call the time and temperature number since the smartwatch wasn’t actually designed to tell time.

The White House has announced it is nominating a new Intellectual Property Enforcement Coordinator. The only problem for the person in the position will be finding something that the White House does that in any way involves anything intellectual.

A study says that cars that can talk to each other will save millions of gallons of fuel. Especially the ones that aren’t afraid to ask other cars for directions instead of having the man behind the wheel drive around for hours before admitting they are lost.

A study says that cars that can talk to each other will save millions of gallons of fuel. Mostly from not spilling their gas all over the road when the person driving crashes into a tree or other cars while texting.

A 9 year old Arizona girl killed her gun instructor when she accidentally shot him with an Uzi. Although everyone at the shooting range thought it was very cute when she called the gun an “Oopsie.”

Traffic on Twitter picked up dramatically when President Obama made a speech wearing a tan suit. It was the most activity ever involving clothes on Twitter, but only because it wasn’t around for Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress.

Traffic on Twitter picked up dramatically when President Obama made a speech wearing a tan suit. And who says social media doesn’t have a place in getting out critical information to an informed public?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is the start of the three day Labor Day holiday weekend. That means one thing. Actually it means several things. But what it means here is that I will be taking off Monday, so that will give you three days to decompress from trying to figure out what any of these jokes actually mean. I hope you enjoy not laboring on a day when we honor those who have to labor at their low paying jobs that include working weekends, holidays and late nights. I am just glad to have a job at this point, as you should be as well. Imagine if I had all day to come up with even more jokes. That is a frightening thought. Enjoy your holiday, and just remember if you get a chance over the next three days to take some time to send the love!

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A lawyer in the IRS ethics office is facing disbarment over lying. People were shocked. When did the IRS get an ethics office?

A report says a panda in China faked a pregnancy in order to get special treatment. The panda finally came clean when she learned she was going to have to give up drinking and smoking until the baby arrived.

A report says a panda in China faked a pregnancy in order to get special treatment. The panda admitted the hoax when even that failed to get the baby daddy to marry her.

A study says that smartphones are stunting the social skills of students. To which teachers are asking when students have ever had social skills?

A study says that smartphones are stunting the social skills of students. Which wouldn’t really matter if teachers would ever start communicating with their pupils by texting.

A study says that one third of all Mexicans want to move to America. Mostly to join the other two thirds who already have.

The FDA is warning travelers to inform the TSA about any prescription drugs they are carrying. Especially if they are taking the pills to lower their blood pressure after having to endure a TSA body scan and strip search.

Neurologists claim they can reverse bad memories with a flash of bright light. Like the memory of what it was like when they were still had their eyesight.

A report by The Spectator magazine says that if Britain was a U.S. state, it would be the second poorest next to Alabama. Although the problem with having Britain next to Alabama would be seeing people with bad teeth who talk funny and trying to figure out which was which.

Health care premiums are set to fall in Arkansas next year. Mostly because health insurance there doesn’t cover dental and now people are eligible for insurance for relatives and spouses who are often the same people.

The U.S. is planning to use a “name and shame” strategy to get other countries to reduce carbon emissions. The question is, how is shaming going to stop carbon emissions when BP still doesn’t see a problem with the millions of barrels of oil they dropped into the Gulf?

An airline pilot says flight delays are mostly the fault of the airlines. Their excuse is that it takes a long time to have the flight attendants collect all the fee money before they take off.

A new academic paper says that no one actually knows what the U.S. unemployment rate really is. All the research for the paper was done by graduate students who are still looking to find work. 

A new academic paper says that no one actually knows what the U.S. unemployment rate really is. It would be a lot easier on everyone if they would just keep statistics on who does have a job.

A new academic paper says that no one actually knows what the U.S. unemployment rate really is. Mostly because all the people in Washington, D.C. know that if the real number got out, they would all be unemployed after the next election.

Kia is planning to build a $1 Billion car assembly plant in Mexico. As part of the deal, Kia promised to make the trunks of their cars large enough to take all the workers’ relatives across the border.

Kia is planning to build a $1 Billion car assembly plant in Mexico. Which is bad news for the Mexicans who are now in the U.S. legally who will have to sneak all the way back across the border to try to find a job.

Research says that employees who take more vacation time have the highest performance reviews. Mostly because they aren’t around the office enough for their boss to see what a bad job they are doing.

A survey says that Americans lost $8.6 Billion to phone fraud last year. No one had any idea that AT&T had that many customers.

Former Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke says the 2008 financial crisis was the worst in world history. If only someone in a position of power to control what Wall Street was doing to start the crash and head it off before it began could have seen that coming...

Suzuki has recalled 19,000 sedans because of spiders that clog up the fuel lines. If your fuel systems are being stopped up by spiders, you really need to get rid of your new car inventory left over from 1997.

A report says that Labor Day weekend gas prices will be the lowest since 2010. Mostly because no one is going anywhere on vacation to celebrate Labor Day until they have a job to celebrate their labor.

A new app helps people find jobs in the legal marijuana industry. It also includes ancillary jobs connected to the pot business, which means it has all kinds of openings for drivers for Domino’s Pizza.

Oil magnate Harold Hamm’s upcoming divorce could be the costliest in history. At least it will be in his home state of Oklahoma, where the previous record divorce settlement was a pickup truck, barn and Merle Haggard record collection.

Ryan Air is launching a business class section. Although the airline is so low budget that the only businesses it will cater to are 7-Eleven, McDonald’s and Wal-Mart.

A report says that hotels are bracing for the highest occupancy levels in 20 years. Mostly because there is still one more wave of subprime mortgages that will come due soon and kick people out of their homes when they are foreclosed.

A survey says that salaries and bonuses in the U.S. are on the rise. Which for most people means they are seeing their incomes rising from zero to minimum wage.

A report says that nonprofit hospitals saw their lowest revenue in 2013 since the recession started. Which means if they weren’t nonprofit before, they sure are now.

A study says that mindfulness training helps both Alzheimer’s patients and their caregivers. Mindfulness training involves awareness with acceptance for events in the present moment. Mostly because they have already forgotten what just happened five minutes ago.

Researchers say that up to 20% of all teenagers go through major depression. Mostly because the other 80% of teenagers keep giving them wedgies all day at school.

Researchers say that up to 20% of all teenagers go through major depression. Mostly the ones who are about to graduate high school and realize they will be paying off their college loans until they are in middle age.

A study says that mixing therapy along with prescription drugs can speed up the recovery time for depression. At least until the patients get the bills from their pharmacy and psychiatrist.

A study says that eating junk food makes people boring to be around. Mostly because all they ever want to do is go to McDonald’s and then shopping to buy some larger sized clothes.

A study says that tomatoes may reduce the risk of prostate cancer. The only problem is that when people say they don’t like to eat tomatoes, their doctor tells them you don’t exactly eat them.

A study says that teenage boys are worse drivers than teenage girls. Mostly because the boys drive much faster in trying to ignore and get away from the girl drivers who are busy trying to text them.

A study says that losing weight can help people gain brain power. For one thing, people who are obese never have to really memorize anything other than the value menu at McDonald’s.

Researchers say that pets get back to school blues, too. For one thing, dogs miss all the pizza crumbs they get to lick up off the couch while the kids are home playing video games all summer long.

A study says that blood pressure is controlled best by patients and not by their physician. Especially when the patient isn’t sitting around for three hours in the waiting room before they can finally get in to see the doctor.

Neuroscientists say they have been able to “rewrite” bad memories in mice, manipulating brain cells to reverse bad experiences. Which is just the medical breakthrough that Cubs fans have been waiting on for years.

A study says that burning trash can cause severe health problems. In fact, it can almost be as bad for a person’s health as attending a whole week at Burning Man.

A study says that burning trash can cause severe health problems. Especially if the garbage man sees you are the one lighting all the trash cans on fire up and down the street.

A study of people climbing Mt. Everest says that the extreme altitude affects blood pressure. Especially when the climbers realize they have paid more than $100,000 to fly to the middle of nowhere to risk their life and lose their fingers and toes to climb a rock.

Former major league pitcher John Rocker will be a contestant on the next “Survivor.” Only John Rocker could be on a show about surviving and still have people rooting for him to lose.

California will expand their TV and film incentive budget to $330 Million. The money is used to offset any losses that may be incurred by films shot in the state. Which means the fund goes down to zero of Kevin Costner isn’t making any movies this year.

An expert says that “Hello Kitty” isn’t a cat, but is really a girl. A girl who really needs to see her lawyer about going after her plastic surgeon for one awkward facelift.

An expert says that “Hello Kitty” isn’t a cat, but is really a girl. The scary thing is that there is someone who claims to be an expert on “Hello Kitty.”

The oldest animal known to have muscles has been discovered in Newfoundland. No one even knew that Arnold Schwarzenegger had moved to Canada.

Amazon has paid $1 Billion for Twitch, a site that shows people playing video games. How fat and lazy have we gotten that it is too much exercise now to actually play the video games by ourselves?

Amazon has paid $1 Billion for Twitch, a site that shows people playing video games. Apparently it’s called Twitch because when people who are lying on the couch watching the website start to twitch, it’s the only sign they are actually still alive.

The makers of “Grand Theft Auto V” are saying the lawsuit filed against them by Lindsay Lohan is “meritless.” Pretty much like “Grand Theft Auto V.”

The makers of “Grand Theft Auto V” are saying the lawsuit filed against them by Lindsay Lohan is “meritless.” Or were they referring to Lohan’s career?

A survey says that two thirds of credit card holders use cash for purchases under $5. To which most people are asking what is there that anyone can still buy for under $5?

A survey says that two thirds of credit card holders use cash for purchases under $5. The other one third don’t have $5 because they are so much in debt from overusing their credit cards.

The U.S. economy is forecast to grow 1.5% this year. Which would put it up somewhere around 1.5% of where it was before the recession started.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Here it is Thursday, and the big news that everyone is just finding out about is that the Emmys were last Sunday. How can anyone watch a television show giving out awards for how good of a job they are doing in television? The amazing part is how they have the red carpet show ahead of the awards where women who are famous for taking off all their clothes are fawned over for the outfits they are wearing. As someone who has worked in local television for more than 30 years, I obviously am jealous and bitter that I don’t ever get to wear a gown while walking down the red carpet in front of all the cameras. Instead, my reward comes when all of you remember to send the love!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A company in Washington state says it is planning to sell marijuana infused soft drinks and coffee. Marijuana laced coffee will bring a whole new meaning to when someone says they are brewing a fresh pot.

A company in Washington state says it is planning to sell marijuana infused soft drinks and coffee. The idea of marijuana laced coffee appeals to stoners as the caffeine will help keep them awake long enough to eat a few more bags of Doritos.

A company in Washington state says it is planning to sell marijuana infused soft drinks and coffee. Next, someone could just take care of everything at once by making some marijuana topped pizza.

The Times newspaper in England is piping in the sound of typewriters clacking in order to increase energy levels to help reporters hit deadlines. To which anyone in the newsroom under the age of 40 will be asking “What’s a typewriter?”

A new book says that animals are getting smarter. Which isn’t hard to believe when they are compared to the direction human intelligence is going.

A new book says that animals are getting smarter. Although some experts are discounting the theory as the book was written by a lemur.

A report says that new technology may allow for windowless planes that have monitors to let people see outside. Which would be great for United Airlines as they could just show pictures from 30,000 feet up to make people think they are flying while they have been sitting on the tarmac for three days.

A report says that new technology may allow for windowless planes that have monitors to let people see outside. Which will help airlines by not allowing passengers to look out the windows and see how the crews are manhandling their luggage.

An Iranian Ayatollah says that high speed Internet is immoral and inhumane. Which means that the next contract to provide Internet service to all 76 Million Iranians may go to AOL.

An Iranian Ayatollah says that high speed Internet is immoral and inhumane. Although what could be more inhumane than having to wait twenty minutes while your favorite cat videos keep buffering?

Southwest Airlines is apologizing for “losing” an 85 year old woman who was left alone for 11 hours at Newark airport. People were shocked at the cruelty. Who would send an 85 year old woman to Newark?

A new app tells shoppers if a product more likely benefits Democrats or Republicans. Do we really need an app for that? If you buy a Prius, hemp clothing or tickets to a Neil Young concert, it is benefiting Democrats while money for guns, “Duck Dynasty” clothing and Humvees pretty much all goes right to Republican headquarters.

A driverless car from Carnegie Mellon University took a test drive through the streets of Washington, D.C. Which makes perfect sense as that is the same city that has let Congress navigate around with no one at the wheel for years.

A report says the Obamacare website has cost an estimated $1.7 Billion to date. Which is still less than what it has cost for congressional Republicans to hold 50 votes to repeal it.

A report says the Obamacare website has cost an estimated $1.7 Billion to date. Which is about the same amount of money that the average person with no health insurance is billed for a week long stay in the hospital.

A study says that social media is more likely to discourage debate. Mostly because people on Facebook are less interested in political issues than they are in pictures of cats or what their friends are eating for breakfast.

A study says that pen and paper are better for taking notes in class than using a laptop. To which most students are asking “What is a pen and paper?”

Burger King is planning an expansion of Tim Horton’s. The easiest way to expand Tim Horton is to make him eat every meal at Burger King.

Mexico is considering raising the country’s minimum wage. The easiest way to do that is offer transportation to any of their workers trying to cross the border into the  U.S.

A bank teller in Colorado helped authorities catch a wanted man after their fingers became numb from cocaine coated one dollar bills he was trying to exchange for larger bills. Which makes you shudder to think what would have happened to their fingers if the ones were being exchanged from a strip club.

Wall Street analysts are calling for the ouster of the CEO of JetBlue because he is too “passenger friendly.” The question is, how did someone with that kind of attitude ever make it that far working for an airline?

A major shareholder in RadioShack has proposed a rescue plan to help the company avoid bankruptcy. Investors were surprised. RadioShack isn’t bankrupt?

A report says that consumer confidence is at its highest point in the past seven years. Which pretty much means that for the first time since 2007 it has actually gone above “zero.”

A study says that couples who smoke pot are less likely to commit domestic violence. Mostly because it is hard to become physical with your spouse when you forgot exactly how to get back to your house to confront them.

A study says that couples who smoke pot are less likely to commit domestic violence. Although things can get ugly when your spouse finds out you were the one who ate the last slice of pizza.

Sophia Vergara is being blasted by critics for her Emmys appearance that is being called sexist. Which is almost as sexist as her four Emmy nominations for “Modern Family” where she plays a beautiful bimbo who achieves her dream of coming to America when she marries an older man for his money.

American Airlines has pulled its fares from Orbitz in a dispute over fees. Apparently the airlines feel they are the only ones entitled to charge outrageous fees to their customers.

A study says the public is paying hundreds of millions of dollars in hospital costs for uninsured gunshot victims. Which means Obamacare will finally make it unnecessary for criminals to ask victims for proof of medical insurance before they shoot them.

A study says that even normal weight teenagers can have anorexia. Mostly because being normal weight anymore makes a person look like they are anorexic.

A study shows that how thoughtfully couples make decisions can have a lasting effect on the quality of their romantic relationship. For example, if they contest their divorce with separate lawyers it will take a lot longer for their divorce to be finalized.

The WHO is urging stiff regulations to be placed on e-cigarettes. Which probably wouldn’t even be necessary if they would have ever called for restrictions on regular cigarettes.

A study says that genetics play a role in the severity of a person’s hangover. For instance, they probably wouldn’t be in a position to even have a hangover in the first place if their genes couldn’t be traced back to Ireland, Scotland or Russia.

A company claims to be offering candy that keeps a person’s skin whiter. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the Godiva imported truffle collection.

The former head of Connecticut’s successful health insurance exchange will become the new CEO of the Obamacare website. Which is pretty much like being accepted to Harvard only to find out your parents got a better deal and decided to enroll you at UNLV.

A study says that having to wait for an experience makes people happier. Which means the U.S. has the happiest people in the world as we have been waiting for the past seven years to try to get back to where we were before the recession.

Prince is planning to release two new albums this fall. Which is great news to anyone who is still living in the summer of 1985.

Kim Kardashian and her half sisters are being criticized for being caught texting during the tribute to Michael Brown at the MTV VMAs. Although even more people were wondering why they were seeing the Kardashians at the Video Music Awards in the first place.

Justin Bieber is being investigated for attempted robbery. Mostly for trying to charge people $15 for his latest CD.

Bill Hader says that Justin Bieber was one of the worst guest hosts ever on “Saturday Night Live.” Although in Bieber’s defense, at the time he hosted the show it aired way past his bedtime.

Jennifer Lopez says she would get married for a fourth time. Also for a fifth and sixth just to make sure the seventh was the real deal.

CBS says it will air an all-women sports talk show. Which will mostly consist of women who complain about how their husbands never help out with housework or the kids and just sit around watching sports all weekend.

Miley Cyrus’ homeless friend who accepted her award at the MTV VMAs is reportedly wanted by police in Oregon. Apparently police in Portland want to talk with him about reports of someone being seen repeatedly twerking without a license.

Justin Bieber’s Ferrari was reportedly hit by paparazzi following him in a Prius. Forget the DUI and reckless driving charges in Florida. If you can’t outrun a Prius in a Ferrari, you need to have your license immediately revoked forever.

Kim Kardashian will reportedly make a guest appearance on “Two Broke Girls.” Which means the title of the show needs to be changed to “Two Broke and Incredibly Desperate Girls.”

Kim Kardashian will reportedly make a guest appearance on “Two Broke Girls.” Apparently the stars of the show want to get Emmy nominations next year and compared to Kardashian, it will look like they are performing Shakespeare.

Neil Young is divorcing his wife of 36 years. Which means “After The Gold Rush” will now refer to his life after he pays the bill from his wife’s divorce lawyers.

The Seattle Seahawks and their coach Pete Carroll have been fined by the NFL for $300,000 for being too physical. When asked by Cincinnati Bengals why they are fined more for the same offense, the league says it’s because the Seahawks beat people up on the football field.

The Seattle Seahawks and their coach Pete Carroll have been fined by the NFL for $300,000 for being too physical. The Jacksonville Jaguars are being investigated for how hard they are hitting on the field which could net them a fine of as much as $15.38.

Federal agencies are being accused of not paying scientists and technicians as much as they could. Mostly because they are going to be taking it out of their pockets for the next several years for what they did with the Obamacare website.

A laser based space junk tracking site is being planned for Australia. Although that seems a bit unnecessary as NASA is already keeping a pretty constant eye on the location of the International Space Station.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Labor Day is just a few days away. Don’t we already have a day to honor labor? I think it’s called Mother’s Day. Not the same labor? Speaking of labor, I am just glad you were able to make it this far on the blog. That is really some work and you are to be congratulated for your efforts. I don’t need any sort of recognition for writing this, as if that is ever going to happen. All I ever ask is that once in awhile you remember to send the love!