A poll says that 77% of Americans want undocumented aliens returned home. The other 23% want to at least wait until they get their lawns mowed and have a chance to go out to dinner this week.
A poll says that 77% of Americans want undocumented aliens returned home. The other 23% couldn’t answer the survey without an interpreter.
Some UK scientists are accusing the government of misleading the public about invitro fertilization policies that could lead to genetically modified babies. The one way to tell is a baby has been modified genetically is when their parents are caught taking them to see a dentist.
A new app helps teens combat everyday anxiety. Don’t we already have a device on smartphones that combats anxiety? It’s called the off button.
A study says that exposure to the sun lowers the chance of getting ovarian. esophageal and pancreatic cancer. The only question is what position do you have to lie in to get direct sunlight on your ovaries, esophagus and pancreas?
A study says that exposure to the sun lowers the chance of getting ovarian. esophageal and pancreatic cancer. Direct sunlight also helps avoid carpal tunnel syndrome, especially in kids who develop it staying in the basement all day playing video games.
A study says that fist bumps spread 90% fewer germs than handshakes. They also result in 90% fewer offers of employment when you try one at a job interview.
A study says that fist bumps spread 90% fewer germs than handshakes. It’s also a lot less embarrassing than getting mustard all over the other person’s hand after you shake hands after eating a ham sandwich.
A 3 year old in Oregon took the brake off the family jeep causing it to crash and then went home to watch cartoons. Or as Billy Joel calls that, a pretty good Saturday night.
The White House is angry over Israeli criticism of Secretary of State John Kerry. Although Kerry himself doesn’t mind because it reminds him of the days when he was running for President.
The band director at Ohio State University says he was fired because of a “flawed” report claiming an environment of sexual harassment. The good news is that he has been offered the band director position over at Penn State.
The band director at Ohio State University says he was fired because of a “flawed” report claiming an environment of sexual harassment. The impressive part was that his statement was spelled out by the marching band in script.
Georgia has filed criminal charges against former President Mikheil Saakashvili. Tea Party members were initially excited when they heard about Georgia and criminal charges against a former President thinking it had something to do with Jimmy Carter.
A study says that running any distance at any speed reduces the risk of death. Except for people who only run to the refrigerator and back to the couch during commercial breaks.
Three Pakistanis were killed by a mob after being accused of posting blasphemous material on Facebook. That will teach them to use Facebook for anything other than posting pictures of what they are eating for breakfast.
Dollar Tree is trying to buy Family Dollar for $8.5 Billion. The hardest part will be counting the 8.5 Billion ones used in the sale.
Dollar Tree is trying to buy Family Dollar for $8.5 Billion. Would that make it the Family Tree store?
New products from Silicon Valley are offering users a good night’s sleep. The best way to guarantee that is to turn off all the Silicon Valley made smartphones, laptops and tablets that we stay up using all night.
The FAA says it wants shorter buildings near U.S. airports. How fat are we that our planes are even having trouble lifting a full load of passengers high enough to get over the nearby roofs?
A study says that 40% of grandparents spend at least $500 a year on their grandchildren. Mostly to pay for daycare so they don’t get stuck as permanent babysitters.
A study says that 40% of grandparents spend at least $500 a year on their grandchildren. Which works out to about $100 for video games, $100 for weed and the other $300 for bail money.
A study says that 40% of grandparents spend at least $500 a year on their grandchildren. The other 60% are asking their grandchildren if they can spot them a couple hundred from their college fund until their Social Security check arrives.
The government says that Medicare and Social Security will be solvent until at least 2030. The only question is whether the same can be said about the government.
General Mills is taking action to try to prevent climate change. For one thing, they are working on cutting back methane emissions by lowering the amount of fiber they are putting in all their cereals.
Smith & Wesson will pay a $2 Million fine for making bribes to win government contracts in other countries. Why they felt the need to make bribes to complete the deals is unknown. It’s not like anyone was holding a gun to their heads.
A Los Angeles judge has approved the sale of the Clippers to Steve Ballmer for $2 Billion. The trial hinged on the sanity of Donald Sterling over his bizarre behavior, and even more on the sanity of Ballmer for thinking the Clippers are worth $2 Billion.
A report says global business travel is expected to exceed $1.2 Trillion this year. There would be a lot less money spent on company trips except for most the business that is done is monkey, funny and none-of-your.
EBay will experiment on selling auto mechanics’ services along with car parts. They got the idea since that is the first thing anyone asks about within a few minutes after using eBay to buy a Chrysler.
The House has voted to let airlines advertise pre-tax air fares to make the prices seem lower. The airlines know they are OK as long as they don’t have to reveal all the fees they stick their passengers with from takeoff to landing.
Southwest Airlines has been fined $12 Million for failing to make repairs on some of their planes. As opposed to United Airlines which saves money on repairs as they delay and cancel their flights to the point where none of their planes actually ever fly anywhere.
Google is seeking “human guinea pigs” for a health study. Mostly because for once they want to enable people who looking up health information by googling it to find something that isn’t completely false.
A study says that tonsillectomies to cure sleep apnea often result in weight gain. Apparently kids start getting fatter when they find without tonsils in the way they can stuff even more food down their throats.
Joseph Simmons from Run-D.M.C. is rapping about his battle with diabetes. The musical genre has mellowed. It’s not like the old days when rappers didn’t have to worry about living long enough to develop Type 2 Diabetes.
Joseph Simmons from Run-D.M.C. is rapping about his battle with diabetes. The musical genre has mellowed. It’s not like the old days when getting shot up to a rapper meant with lead instead of insulin.
A study says that determining if a person is attractive takes 100 milliseconds. Which is still longer than it has taken Britney Spears to get married.
A study says that determining if a person is attractive takes 100 milliseconds. Which is still 99 milliseconds longer than if the person is Beyonce.
Whoopi Goldberg says the lineup of “The View” could be “six turtles at the table” for all she knows. Which would be great for any guests on the show who might actually be able to finally get a word in edgewise.
Kate Upton says she “begged” for her body. Which is a coincidence as any men around the world who have access to the Internet have pretty much done the same thing.
Freddie Prinze, Jr. says that working with Kiefer Sutherland made him want to quit acting. To which most people are saying “Freddie Prinze, Jr. is still acting?”
Khloe Kardashian says she “feels guilty” about some of the problems her brother Rob Kardashian is going through. The question is, when is she going to start feeling guilty about being a part of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”?
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has accepted a plea deal after being arrested for assaulting his brother last month. Or as being arrested is known to cast members of “Jersey Shore,” a reality show audition.
A report says that Kanye West micromanages Kim Kardashian’s life, making her his personal mannequin. Which is actually an image upgrade from what everyone thinks about her who watches “The Kardashians.”
A jury is reportedly deadlocked in the defamation trial of Jesse Ventura. The question is, if someone wanted to damage Jesse Ventura’s reputation why would they even need to make something up?
A Johnny Manziel autographed Texas A&M game jersey is expected to fetch as much as $100,000 at auction. Which at Texas A&M breaks down to $25 for the jersey and the rest to pay Manziel for an autograph signing.
Philadelphia Eagles coach Chip Kelly says that “draft hype” is the worst thing in the NFL. That is if you aren’t the abused wife of a player or a former player trying to remember what years you played for which teams in the league.
The New York Giants want Eli Manning to complete 70% of his passes this year. To which the NCAA is also stepping it up, saying they would like college football players to complete 70% of their courses this year.
The New York Giants want Eli Manning to complete 70% of his passes this year. Which he did last year. The difference is that this year the team won’t let him count the ones caught by the other team.
A golfer claims to have found a ball lost by President Obama at Congressional Country Club. Now all someone has to do is find his economic, foreign and immigration policies.
Baltimore Ravens fans cheered Ray Rice who practiced following charges of domestic violence. Fans were just glad to have someone on the team named Ray who was arrested for something less than murder.
Phoenix Suns forward P.J. Tucker was arrested for “super extreme DUI” by Scottsdale Police. His blood alcohol level was reported at .222. The worst part is that percentage still puts him higher in the standings than the Milwaukee Bucks.
The Mars Rover has traveled more than 25 miles, setting the record for mileage traveled off of Earth. In fact, that puts it just ahead of the expected mileage traveled by any Chryslers that are on Earth.
That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I’ll leave it at this many today as I figure I’ve already wasted enough of your time. I need to save a little ammunition to wreck your day tomorrow. My motto is always leave ‘em with a laugh, or at least around 50 something attempts at it. All you need to do to spur me on for another day of this is to make sure to remember to send the love!