Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A research laboratory in France has lost thousands of tubes of the deadly SARS virus. The only good news is that it really shouldn’t make too much of a difference since they left all the vials on a Carnival cruise ship.

A research laboratory in France has lost thousands of tubes of the deadly SARS virus. Experts say it could be the most dangerous exposure to a deadly outbreak outside of a public restroom in Paris.

Glow in the dark roads are making their debut in the Netherlands which could replace expensive street lights. The only question is without street lights, where are the hookers supposed to hang out?

 Glow in the dark roads are making their debut in the Netherlands which could replace expensive street lights. Here in America that wouldn’t work. People need street lights to be able to see what they are texting while they are driving.

A report says a growing number of children are unable to do simple tasks such as using building  blocks because of their addition to iPads. Mostly because who wants to stack building blocks when you have an iPad you can play with instead?

Japan’s population has fallen for the third straight year, with people 65 or older making up 25% of the total. You know the demographics are skewing old when the number one restaurant in the nation is Carrows.

Iran is considering banning vasectomies to boost the country’s birth rate and double the nation’s population. Which is good news for Iranian men who go in to get a vasectomy and see the basic tools for the procedure are a pair of tin snips and a butterfly bandage.

A report says the price of fruits and vegetables is rising. Finally some bad economic news that doesn’t effect any Americans.

Beef prices have jumped to their highest level in 27 years. There hasn’t been such a demand on heifers since Bill Clinton was in the White House.

A study says that trying to be perfect can run a person’s health. Finally some good news for the Los Angeles Lakers.

A study says that trying to be perfect can run a person’s health. To which Donald Trump says “So who has to try?”

A study says that men tend to become more unhappy when they reach age 70. Probably because they realize they are now 70.

A report says that the Taiwanese are clamping down on Chinese tourists who they say are rude and obnoxious. They should just consider themselves lucky that their country has never been considered a vacation haven by the French.

Coca-Cola sales have fallen in Great Britain by 10%, the first drop in 15 years. The plunge was unexpected. It’s not like anyone is concerned about what Coke might do to their teeth.

The U.S. government is looking to hire 6,000 “cyber warriors” by 2016. They are needed for online security, preventing leaks and to show the top brass how to beat their grandchildren at “Call of Duty.”

A report says that a shortage of farmers in the U.S. is making for a “dangerous situation.” The biggest problem is that one out of five people who claim to be farmers are pretty much tending to 100 acres of fake crops in Farmville.

An online site called Federal Tax Receipt shows the break down of where a person’s tax money is going. Apparently it is just a looping video of a toilet being flushed.

Ford plans an overhaul of its in-car infotainment system that allows drivers to navigate, listen to music and make calls. It was designed especially to entertain Ford owners while they have some spare time waiting for the tow truck to arrive.

Ford plans an overhaul of its in-car infotainment system that allows drivers to navigate, listen to music and make calls. Which is a great technological advancement for people who are too busy to distract themselves while driving.

A report says the odds of being audited by the IRS are less than 1% this year. Which is also pretty much the same percentage of people who had enough of an income to need to even file a return.

Oklahoma has banned local minimum wage hikes across the state. Which finally explains how they got the nickname of “The Panhandle State.”

Oklahoma has banned local minimum wage hikes across the state. Apparently state officials think it’s a lot easier when everyone across the entire state is at the same pay scale.

A new app called CUPS allows New Yorkers to get unlimited coffee from participating vendors for $45 a month. Or as coffee aficionados call $45, one large caramel mocha latte at any Starbucks.

A researcher says that within 50 years, people will be waring “Google hats” that will allow their thoughts to be decoded. Which will be unnecessary for men as it’s already been pretty much established at any given time they are thinking about sex.

A study says that nearly 10% of U.S. adults have diabetes. The other 90% just aren’t making it to McDonald’s enough times every month.

A UK campaign to cut salt intake dramatically decreased the amount of heart disease and strokes. The only problem is trying to get people to eat any British food without covering it with salt to mask the taste.

A congressional report is urging the FDA to regulate the e-cigarette market. Which is going to be difficult to do since the government already has refused to regulate the banks, the economy or the environment.

A congressional report is urging the FDA to regulate the e-cigarette market. Forget that, when is someone going to start regulating Congress?

A study says the brain peaks at age 24. Especially for anyone who by then has already played two years in the NFL.

A study says that marijuana reshapes the brains of users. Pot reportedly affects the pleasure and reward center, or “Cool!” and the area that assesses negative consequences, or “Bummer, man.”

Lady Gaga is being accused of wasting a pool full of water in drought stricken California by contaminating it during a video shoot. Apparently she made it unsafe for human consumption after deciding to take a swim in it herself.

Tracy Morgan says he is “concerned” about Alec Baldwin. Baldwin’s behavior is getting so bizarre and out of control that even Charlie Sheen is starting to tell him he needs to take it down a notch.

Lindsay Lohan’s mother was sentenced to 100 hours of community service after pleading guilty to DUI in New York. People are hoping that means keeping Lindsay locked up at home for four straight days.

A Canadian dentist who bought a tooth extracted from John Lennon says he wants to make a human clone from the DNA which he would raise as his own son. Although that would probably just last a few years before Yoko Ono would somehow break them up.

Sean Combs is set to give the commencement address at Howard University. Which will make all the graduates wonder if they made the right choice when they are lectured by a college dropout who has had more success than any of them could even dream about.

Billy Joel’s daughter Alexa Ray collapsed on stage during a cabaret performance. Apparently she figured it would be a lot safer to be taken out of there by an ambulance than to be driven home by her dad.

Miley Cyrus was hospitalized in Kansas City for an allergic reaction to antibiotics. Of course, she wouldn’t need to be on a steady prescription of antibiotics if she would just give that twerking a rest once in awhile.

The NCAA has approved unlimited meals and snacks for college athletes after a basketball player complained of “starving.” There is nothing worse for those kids than using the last of your under the table booster money on weed and not have anything left over for pizza.

Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig calls the instant replay rollout “remarkable.” Apparently even he was stunned about how overnight the technological advancement has somehow made officiating as bad as it is in the NFL.

Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig calls the instant replay rollout “remarkable.” Other than that it is being hailed as the most welcomed and successful rollout since Obamacare.

A suspect has been charged after leaving two unattended backpacks at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. He will probably plead insanity for thinking that everyone at the event would not notice.

A report says it would be “very unlikely” for the 49ers to pick up the option of troubled linebacker Aldon Smith. He is set to make $2.3 Million this year. $2.8 Million if you include forfeited bail money.

The Atlanta Braves have been receiving racist hate mail after comments made by Hank Aaron saying there is still racism in baseball. Which is amazing in the fact they are complaining of racial comments made by Aaron and sending them to a team called the “Braves.”

Astronomers say that Saturn may have given birth to a baby moon. It was much more tasteful than what astronomers had to view last month from Uranus. (Yes...old, tired, juvenile...but still funny!)

A study says that pollution from Asia may be strengthening storms in North America. If pollution makes for bigger storms, than why is Los Angeles in the middle of a record drought?

A space garden will allow astronauts to eat lettuce grown on the International Space Station. Apparently it just isn’t the same when you eat a salad that doesn’t crunch because it was instead squeezed fresh out of a tube.

Facebook as reached 100 Million users in India. Who can now become friends with all the people they are busy helping with customer service when they can’t get on Facebook because their computer is down.

Google says it is planning to fit an entire camera into a contact lens. The only problem is when the person taking the picture is the one that always messes up the shot by blinking.

San Francisco Bay Area apartment rents are up to a record high average of $2,043 a month. And that’s just for the security upgrades if you live in the same complex as Aldon Smith.

The cellular industry has agreed to install a kill switch in phones that will allow the owner to disable and wipe them clean if they are lost or stolen. Having your phone disabled and wiped clean is already a possibility. It’s called signing up with AT&T.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Alright here’s my new plan. I have recently hit the quarter million hits plateau, and would like to expand readership. Just tell two friends tomorrow about the blog, and have them tell two friends and then they can tell two friends. I figure by the end of the month at that pace, I will have reached my goal of 7 Billion hits a day. Either that, or you will have lost all your friends in the process. In the meantime, until I can figure out another way to generate more readership I will always be satisfied whenever you all remember to send the love!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. It’s the one that has a line of people fishing for all the loose change they have in their pockets to try to score a bag.

A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. It has one selection for pot, but the real money comes from the other choices for Doritos, Oreos and M&Ms.

A poll says a record high of 60% of Californians say they pay too much in taxes. The other 40% have figured out how to cheat and not get caught.

A poll says a record high of 60% of Californians say they pay too much in taxes. People were shocked. 60% of Californians still have an income?

A report says the chances of being audited by the IRS are the lowest in years. Mostly because even the IRS has no idea how to correctly fill out a 1040 form.

A report says the chances of being audited by the IRS are the lowest in years. Mostly because the IRS doesn’t want to discourage the few people who still actually have an income from sending in their returns.

Researchers say that artificial blood could be used in humans by the year 2035. Instead of a blood test people will just need to get their 3,000 mile change and a filter.

Researchers say that artificial blood could be used in humans by the year 2035. If she gets a transfusion, along with the rest of her parts Joan Rivers will start booking gigs in Las Vegas into the 25th century.

A report says the Department of Justice deliberately blocks mergers with companies that have Republican CEOs. Although the report fails to point out that what other kind is there?

Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using treated sewage for its drinking water. Apparently they figure it’s still better than what comes out of the tap in West Virginia.

The Washington Post and the British newspaper The Guardian are sharing the Pulitzer Prize for their work on NSA spying. Of course, that isn’t official yet. That’s just the word coming from some government leaks.

Senator Al Franken says the merger between Comcast and Time Warner could hurt competition and raise prices for cable TV. Which means absolutely nothing would change.

49ers linebacker Aldon Smith was arrested at LAX after saying he had a bomb to TSA agents. Which is so dumb to begin with because everyone knows that handling bombs is up to the cornerbacks.

A study says that children who play violent video games have more aggressive behavior and thoughts. Especially when someone tries to kick them off the couch and take away all their snacks.

The 93 year old mayor of Apopka, Florida has been voted out of office after serving in the position almost nonstop since 1949. People were stunned. Who would actually run to become the mayor of Apopka, Florida?

The 93 year old mayor of Apopka, Florida has been voted out of office after serving in the position almost nonstop since 1949. Fellow Floridians felt sorry for him. They hate seeing someone get cut down right in their prime.

KFC is offering chicken corsages for high school prom season. The only bad part is that when a girl’s date puts his head on her shoulder during a slow dance, she has to wonder if it’s love or is he nibbling on that drumstick?

KFC is offering drumstick corsages for high school prom season. Now taking a date to the prom who goes all the way means sharing a whole bucket of fried chicken after the dance.

Mortgage lending in the U.S. has dropped to a 17 year low. Apparently most people are waiting a few years after they go through foreclosure to get up the nerve to try it again.

A Chinese zoo is building an amusement park to cheer up a depressed panda. It’s the first time that has happened since Michael Jackson opened Neverland when Bubble the Chimp was going through some personal problems.

A report says that rent is growing out of reach in many U.S. cities. Which means it’s hard to find a place to stay for most people who are currently between foreclosures.

Data says that Republicans have a problem with race. Party leaders deny that. As long as the party is made up of white men, there is no problem.

Data says that Republicans have a problem with race. Otherwise known as President Obama.

A New York man named God is suing Equifax for claiming he has no credit history because of his name. Apparently their reasoning is why would God need to take out a loan?

A New York man named God is suing Equifax for claiming he has no credit history because of his name. The credit agency says just because someone calls themselves God doesn’t mean they can’t go bankrupt. Just look at Donald Trump.

Allegiant Airlines is introducing seats that are 25 inches wide on flights for an extra $40-50. It’s for people who need extra room because they are wearing all the clothes they are taking on their trip to avoid the $25 luggage fee.

U.S. retail sales saw their largest surge in the past year and a half. Mostly since that horrible winter is finally over and people actually have a few dollars left over after paying their heating bill.

President Obama is pushing to teach children the basics of finance. And who better to do that then the head of the government which has racked up $17 Trillion in national debt?

President Obama is pushing to teach children the basics of finance. Which today is pretty much go to college and grad school and pile up tuition loans that you can only pay off once you get a good paying job like President of the United States.

A study says that the iPhone’s smaller size makes it the most durable phone on the market. That and people are worried about dropping it since they can’t afford the $600 to replace it.

Fresno, California has been named the country’s dirtiest city. Which is amazing considering that they are still upwind from Bakersfield.

A Baltimore bound Royal Caribbean cruise ship has had two intestinal illness outbreaks in the past two weeks. Apparently the crew was just trying to prepare the passengers for what to expect once they docked in Baltimore.

A study says that young fathers are more at risk of depression. Especially when they realize that they have that much longer than older fathers to have their kids living at home.

A Rome woman was actually impregnated with another couple’s twins. Scientists were surprised. They had no idea Kevin Federline had even moved to Italy.

A study says that dieting can hurt a relationship as couples can become more aggressive with low blood sugar. Especially when the argument starts with the woman asking if what she is wearing makes her look fat.

New studies say that too little weight gain during pregnancy as well as too much weight gain can result in having a chubby child. Apparently the study finds that nothing really matters since pretty much all of our kids are going to eventually end up being fat.

A study says that children who watch too much TV get less sleep. If you want your kids to get more sleep, just have them read one of the hundreds of studies that says too much TV causes a loss of sleep.

A report says that e-cigarette makers are targeting young people with their ads. Mostly because they know older smokers only have a couple of years left to buy their product so why bother?

Kate Upton says that she wishes she had smaller boobs. Because apparently she would rather be working at a 7-11 than being a bikini model.

Kate Upton says that she wishes she had smaller boobs. Which was agreed with by all men whose wives were within earshot.

Taylor Swift surprised an Ohio fan by showing up at her bridal shower. She then stole her fiance, dumped him and wrote a song about it.

Ice Cube says that “Ride Along” was “robbed” at the MTV Movie Awards for not winning best on screen duo. Although they must not have been really ripped off because Kanye West didn’t stop the performance by rushing the stage, grabbing the mic and saying so.

Selena Gomez has fired her mom as her manager. Although she really should have fired her mom as her mom for letting her date Justin Bieber.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West reportedly were looking at the Chateau de Louveciennes in France as a possible wedding site. It was the first choice for Kanye since Chateau de Louveciennes translates in English to “Beat up a photographer.”

Rapper Flavor Flav has pleaded guilty to misdemeanor domestic violence charges, which kept him from going to jail. Apparently he wears that clock around his neck to show the court how much credit he should get for time served.

The trailer for the Ben Affleck film “Gone Girl” has hit the web. Apparently the title is an attempt for producers to get people to see the movie thinking it has something to do with “Girls Gone Wild.”

A predraft psychological profile of 49er Aldon Smith says he was at a high risk for off the field trouble. In other words, he is a young, highly paid athlete.

An NFC executive says that defensive end Jadeveon Clowney is “spoiled and lazy.” Who doe he think he is, some kind of quarterback?

An NFC executive says that defensive end Jadeveon Clowney is “spoiled and lazy.” If he was, he is probably better suited to be sitting in the owner’s box than be on the field.

Donald Trump says he is interested in buying the Buffalo Bills. Trump has always loved football, and he proves it by making his combover into that helmet shape every day.

Bill Clinton still says that he is a vegan. Although someone needs to tell him that he is using the wrong term and that it has nothing to do with vagina.

The Social Security Administration says it will stop trying to collect old debts by seizing tax refunds. Mostly because anyone old enough to collect Social Security is lucky to have an income that gets them a refund of more than three dollars in the first place.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am glad you have all stuck with me through the years. I have passed the magic threshold of a quarter million hits as I forecast a few days ago, which after ten years probably could have gotten as many views as posting a picture of a 404 screen error. In any event, I salute you for reading my jokes, and I will remember you all even after I reach my goal of 7 Billion hits a day. I know we will get there if you just keep remembering to send the love!

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A report says that 44% of Twitter accounts have never sent any tweets. Mostly because people can’t figure out how to express a single thought using 140 or fewer characters.

A report says that 44% of Twitter accounts have never sent any tweets. The other 56% have more than made up for it by sending out constant updates of what they are eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Facebook says it will start penalizing “spammy”  pages that trick people into clicking on links to ads. Facebook wants to keep the news feeds full of pictures of what people are eating along with drunk and naked selfies.

Pope Francis I says the Devil is here, even in the 21st century. Apparently he is referring to whomever got him addicted to playing Candy Crush.

Data says that more young women are choosing small dogs over motherhood. It’s becoming such a trend that the only way Kevin Federline has managed to find work is by running a puppy mill.

Parents and students at a Missouri school are outraged that some students are wearing or displaying the Confederate flag at school. What’s really bad is that the kids are using it because they think it’s less embarrassing than flying the Missouri state flag.

A major city in western China is in a panic as the water supply was found to be toxic. No one even knew that China was outsourcing their water service from West Virginia American Water.

An Atlantic City casino is suing a gambler who won $9.6 Million at baccarat. It wasn’t until he left with all the money that they realized no one at the casino has any idea how to play baccarat.

An Atlantic City casino is suing a gambler who won $9.6 Million at baccarat. Suing gamblers is unheard of in Las Vegas. For one thing, after someone wins any more than $100,000 the only way to subpoena them is to hire a diver who can deliver it to the bottom of Lake Mead.

A report says that Russia is planning on colonizing the Moon. But if they really wanted to settle a barren, isolated are that is uninhabitable, they would have fought a little harder to take over Afghanistan.

A report says that Russia is planning on colonizing the Moon. Apparently they have given up on expanding their borders on Earth after they couldn’t even figure out a military plan to conquer Crimea.

Republicans are warning of a federal tax to offset the effects of cow flatulence. Apparently their real fear is if they are planning on taxing gases produced by livestock, just think how much they could eventually levy against all the members of Congress.

Donald Trump says all politicians are all talk and no action. Which is actually a good thing since any time they take action it usually puts us even further into debt.

Donald Trump says all politicians are all talk and no action. Trump’s remarks came during a local speech he was giving that included no suggestions on how to do anything differently.

White House Budget Director Silvia Mathews Burwell has been nominated as Secretary of the HHS. Washington insiders were surprised. The White House has a budget director?

White House Budget Director Silvia Mathews Burwell has been nominated as Secretary of the HHS. Apparently the President figures who better to try to make Obamacare look good than the person who has convinced Americans the budget is in good shape?

A report says that several Arizona lawmakers failed to list free trips they took last year. To which most politicians are asking what other kind of trip is there?

A report says that most drivers in the Kansas City area are not worried about random shootings that have been aimed at freeway motorists. At least they are harder to hit than the people driving on L.A. freeways who never get above 7 mph.

A report says that regulators didn’t act on evidence of faulty air bags in GM cars that had four times the number of warranty claims as other vehicles. Apparently they felt if passengers were able to live to file a claim against a faulty air bag, the car must be safe enough.

Attempted murder charges have been dropped against a nine month old Pakistani boy. Apparently he and his friends were playing a new game they invented called “Jihad and go seek.”

Attempted murder charges have been dropped against a nine month old Pakistani boy. If the boy had been convicted he could have faces up to seven years in timeout.

Oklahoma has been rattled by 48 earthquakes of 2.5 magnitude or higher in the past week. People in the nation’s midsection are scared to death of earthquakes. They are afraid all the shaking will make it difficult during a storm for them to make it in time to the tornado shelter.

Oklahoma has been rattled by 48 earthquakes of 2.5 magnitude or higher in the past week. To which the people in California are saying “Amateurs!”

The government has backed off a confrontation with a cattle rancher in Nevada whose cattle were grazing on public lands. With the price of beef climbing to more than $5 a pound, apparently cattle owners now have more political clout than oil companies.

Some large banks have notified payday lenders to stop lending money at high rates along with balloon payments that trap customers into a cycle of debt. The banks want to close them down because they thought of it first.

CBS chief Les Moonves was paid $66.9 Million in 2013, an 8% increase from the year before. Mostly for not giving his wife Julie Chen any more shows to host.

CBS chief Les Moonves was paid $66.9 Million in 2013, an 8% increase from the year before. Network programming made so much money from its old demographics that CBS now stands for “Cash for Babysitting Seniors.”

Amazon is reportedly preparing to release its own smartphone. It will allow people to be able to check and track online to see where all the stuff is they ordered that still hasn’t arrived.

Documents show that GM was slow to respond to safety complaints. In fact, they were almost as slow as they are to respond to complaints about service, warranty coverage and overall quality.

A Connecticut home sold for $120 Million, the highest price ever paid for a U.S. home. Unless you count in the interest and balloon payments on a typical $220,000 home bought with a subprime loan in 2007 from Countrywide Mortgage.

The National Safety Council warns that hands free devices are as distracting as cellphones while driving. Mostly because the people who use them find they can now use their hands for eating, drinking and giving other drivers the finger.

A study says that there is less conflict at home for kids when their father stops drinking. The study was apparently done by the University of No Kidding.

A study says that there is less conflict at home for kids when their father stops drinking. At least until he finds out what they were doing while he was passed out drunk every night.

A study says that kitchen cutting boards can become contaminated with drug resistant germs. But only if you are having most of your meals prepared by Charlie Sheen.

A new app helps fliers cut the effects of jet lag. Apparently it books all flights on United Airlines so after all the delays and cancellations, your body can adjust because you have no idea what time it is or where your flight even ended up.

A new lawsuit claiming the NHL puts profits before safety is full of bloodied and toothless players. Otherwise known as the team portraits.

A study questions the effectiveness of flu medications. To which pharmaceutical companies say they do exactly what they were intended to do. Pay for vacation homes in France and Italy for their CEOs.

“Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis is using IVF gender selection technology to make sure his children are all girls. What better place to find the next generation of girls he can exploit by posing naked while drunk than right at home?

Stephen Baldwin has reportedly paid off the last of his $400,000 income tax debt to New York. People were stunned. Who paid Stephen Baldwin enough money for an acting gig that he would have to pay any taxes?

Stephen Baldwin has reportedly paid off the last of his $400,000 income tax debt to New York with a final check for $100,000. People were stunned. Someone took a check from Stephen Baldwin?

Stephen Baldwin has reportedly paid off the last of his $400,000 income tax debt to New York. People were stunned. Apparently he owed so much because the state took the money he made from “Viva Rock Vegas” and compounded the interest over 50,000 years.

A report says that host Ryan Seacrest will be leaving “American Idol” soon. Apparently it was just too much to do three interviews and say “Seacrest out!” a couple of times a week take home a meager $15 Million a year. 

For the first time in NBA history, the Lakers, Celtics or Knicks will not be in the playoffs. Fans were stunned. There are three teams that don’t qualify for the NBA postseason?

For the first time in NBA history, the Lakers, Celtics or Knicks will not be in the playoffs. Most people didn’t even notice because they were too shocked to see that only one L.A. team made the postseason and it was the Clippers.

Congress is set to dissolve the National Technical Information Service with a bill called the “Let Me Google That For You Act.” Because Congress doesn’t think public money should be used for finding any information except the millions of dollars they spend each year to see how they are doing in the polls.

A federal appeals court has overturned the conviction of a man who hacked AT&T. The court ruled that he couldn’t do any more harm to the customers than what they already had to deal with from AT&T.

Nine people have been charged with using malware in an international conspiracy to get bank account numbers to steal millions of dollars. The only question is where did they find any people who still actually had money in their bank accounts?

The IRS missed the Windows XP deadline and must pay Microsoft millions of dollars for security patches. Which confused most people who have to deal with the IRS who are convinced the tax collecting agency has got to still be using Windows 95.

A New York prison inmate has been arrested for filing phony tax returns. He was caught after authorities became suspicious when all the returns asked for payment in cigarettes and candy bars.

Vice President Joe Biden is set to visit the Ukraine to meet with government leaders. Apparently the strategy is that Russia will bring all their troops home from the border once they know that Biden comes as part of the package if they try to invade.

The BLM says it will continue legal action after ending a standoff with a Nevada cattle rancher. Apparently there was some confusion as all kinds of federal agencies wanted to get involved with an operation at a ranch in Nevada thinking it was the Mustang Ranch.

Republican Senators are warning that “Bush fatigue” could set in if Jeb Bush is nominated in 2016. Which is not to be confused with the “Bush fatigue” known at the White House also as “3:00 cookies and milk and nappy time.” 

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Went to my first baseball game of the year today. Nothing like a little single A baseball with the West Virginia Power to get you in touch with people who are playing the game for love because they aren’t being paid much. Kind of like me with this blog. Only I’m not being paid anything. Of course, I am still trying to get my jokes up to the single A level. But still, it’s my payday when you all remember to send the love!

Friday, April 11, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Stephen Colbert has been named to replace David Letterman as host of “Late Show.” NBC executives are confused. You can change talk show hosts without lawsuits, infighting and public outrage?

Rush Limbaugh says that replacing David Letterman with Stephen Colbert means that CBS is “declaring war on the heartland.” What’s going to really make Limbaugh mad is when he finds out that CBS cancelled “The Beverly Hillbillies.”

CNN has announced a new prime time lineup. Which is no different than their morning and midday programming of continuous nonstop speculation about Flight 370.

CNN has announced a new prime time lineup. Or as news anchors call that assignment, “TV news oblivion.”

An exclusive Manhattan restaurant Googles its guests for information about them to enhance their dining experience. Like when Larry King is booked he will be seated right next to the defibrillator.

A report says the population of rural America is declining. Mostly because people know that only urban dwellers get the opportunity for a daily experience with Starbucks.

A report says that 81% of Americans who are 100 or older are women. When informed about this, the 19% who are men said “Huh?”

A jar of mountain air from France sold in China for $860. Which is a bargain for the buyer who gets to experience the smell of fresh mountain air without actually having to deal with anyone from France.

A jar of mountain air from France sold in China for $860. For a lot less than that, people can go to a public restroom to get a whiff of what it smells like to be in Paris.

A report says the NSA monitors Wi-Fi on U.S. planes. Apparently they consider it national security to collect millions of tweets about how bad it is to fly on United.

Rupert Murdoch says he could live with Hillary Clinton being elected President. At age 83, the idea of four more years under anyone sounds like a good deal.

A sorority at U Conn has been suspended for forcing men to drink alcohol, paint their bodies and wear women’s underwear. Or as fraternities call that, Saturday night.

The nation’s top enlisted Marine says that pay cuts will raise discipline. Being trained in combat for low wages means there will at least always be a work force available for the late shift at 7-11.

The nation’s top enlisted Marine says that pay cuts will raise discipline. If that was true, wouldn’t Wal-Mart employees look a little more combat ready?

Pope Francis I says that human trafficking is a crime against humanity. Possibly because it is a crime and it involves humans.

A human rights group says that Iran is stepping up its executions at the same time it is trying to court the west. Apparently when reading up about the western world they must have gotten mostly literature about Texas.

The Treasury Department collected $216 Billion in taxes in March which cut the deficit by $70 Billion. The money came from Las Vegas casinos who made record profits from everyone who lost money on March Madness except the three people who picked U Conn and Kentucky in the finals.

Passengers on a Cathay Airlines flight from New York to Hong Kong were stuck on the plane for 34 straight hours. Or as United calls that, a midrange flight.

Passengers on a Cathay Airlines flight from New York to Hong Kong were stuck on the plane for 34 straight hours. What was worse is that they were charged an additional residency fee for not having to book a hotel room for the night.

A report says there were the fewest jobless claims filed since May, 2007. Which is really good news is knowing that there are still at least a few jobs out there to lose.

Irwindale, California says the factory that makes Sriracha hot sauce has a smell that has become a nuisance. Apparently the smell is so powerful that people can’t even tell that they are in Irwindale anymore.

French workers have won the right to not have to answer their business phone or e-mails after work. Which for most French people is pretty much the same as when they are at work.

Family Dollar will close 370 of its stores. How bad is it when people can’t scrape up enough money to take a trip to a dollar store?

Family Dollar will close 370 of its stores. How bad is it when the Family Dollar can’t find enough families with a dollar?

Family Dollar will close 370 of its stores. Apparently they just couldn’t keep up by constantly being undersold by the 99 Cent Store.

The CEO of FedEx says airlines will start tracking planes better. His idea is to put those barcodes on all jets like their packages so they can be tracked right over the computer.

GM has found a new ignition flaw that will require replacing a second part. The second part being the rest of the car that is destroyed after going out of control when the first part fails.

GM is claiming a $1.3 Billion loss on the ignition switch recall, and is also suspending two engineers during an investigation. The question is, when are they going to discipline the engineers who designed the Pontiac Aztek?

A study says that people are twice as likely to get food poisoning at a restaurant than at home. Mostly because when they are at a restaurant they are eating double the food.

A study says that people are twice as likely to get food poisoning at a restaurant than at home. Mostly because they eat out ten times as often as they do at home.

A study says that people are twice as likely to get food poisoning at a restaurant than at home. Although that number drops exponentially if the restaurant list doesn’t include Taco Bell.

The Norovirus is suspected in a breakout on a Princess Cruise ship that has sickened more than 100 people. Or as they call that over at Carnival Cruise Lines, “Tuesday.”

A study says that girls suffer worse concussions than boys. Mostly because there is so little difference in how boys behave before and after getting a head injury.

A study says that procrastination is an inherited genetic trait. Which is the excuse the researchers doing the study are giving for finally finishing the project they were assigned back in 1974.

A study done by researchers in England and Iowa says that having pretty Facebook friends may be bad for people’s self image. The only problem for doing the study in England and Iowa was finding anyone there who had pretty friends.

A study says that men and women can equally determine if their partner is sexually satisfied. Meaning when the man falls asleep right away, he is satisfied and his wife is also just glad it’s over.

Four women have become the first to be implanted with laboratory-grown artificial vaginas. The only problem is trusting a laboratory researcher to even know what a vagina looks like.

Kathleen Sebelius has resigned as head of the Department of Health and Human Services, following criticism of the rollout of Obamacare. She will reportedly fill out all the necessary resignation forms and be out of her office sometime next January.

A report says the nonsmoking policy was not adequate at a Maryland hospital where a man died in a fire started by a cigarette. Apparently they came to their conclusion after a man died in a fire in the hospital that was started by a cigarette.

An actress is being sued by producers on a Cinemax show for refusing to perform topless in a sex scene. The problem is that without any nudity on a Cinemax show, that cut the running time down to three minutes.

An actress is being sued by producers on a Cinemax show for refusing to perform topless in a sex scene. Apparently she first became aware of what was going on when she asked where wardrobe was and everyone said “Wardrobe?”

Rob Lowe says he can’t play an average guy in films because he is just too good looking. In fact, he is so good looking the only role he can take any more is if someone writes a movie where Rob Lowe is an actual character.

Late night TV hosts Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson have all congratulated Stephen Colbert on being named to take over for David Letterman. Meanwhile, Conan O’Brien called Letterman to say it was all Jay Leno’s idea.

Stephen Colbert will reportedly shed his blowhard persona when taking over for David Letterman on “The Late Show.” If he didn’t, viewers might think that Letterman got some  age reducing plastic surgery.

Bob Saget says he banned his kids from watching “Full House” when it was on the air. Apparently he felt it was much more family friendly to have them watch people hit in the groin constantly while he was hosting “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

A Stephen Hawking biopic is set to be released in November. It was tough to hire someone to portray Hawking who could also do his voice. The final casting came down to HAL, Siri and the guy from the “Police Academy” movies.

Niagara Falls is reportedly being considered as the new home of the NFL Buffalo Bills. Fans could flock to the casinos to bet on which would happen first, the Bills winning the Super Bowl or the Falls drying up.

In a new book, Kentucky head basketball coach John Calipari compares the NCAA to the old Soviet Union. Which is why he wants to go to the NBA and be with players who are also members of the bourgeois and leave behind all those proletariat college kids.

Rocker Jon Bon Jovi is reportedly interested in buying the Buffalo Bills football team. It would be a good match as neither has delivered a sold hit in the past ten years.

The number of Internet domain names is up to 271 Million. As many as 5,000 of those do not feature pictures of naked women.

Amazon is offering employees $5,000 to quit their job. Which sounds like a better deal than keeping the job for another year and being paid $4,000.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Big news...According to my calculations, this blog will go over the quarter million views threshold at some point today. In ten years of writing jokes, that basically sucks. If anyone has any suggestions to increase my readership, I am interested. I mean besides writing better jokes. I guess I should have started out instead writing a mommy blog, because those stupid websites get millions of hits a day. Go figure. Who doesn’t know how to do potty training? I got out of diapers years ago. May not be that far from getting back into them. I hate getting up from my computer chair. In any event, thanks for reading. And I look forward to your comments and tips on how to achieve my goal of 7 Billion readers every day. We have to start somewhere. And you can always start by remembering to send the love!