Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Taylor Swift is building a privacy wall around her Beverly Hills mansion. She reportedly asked that it be just higher than Justin Bieber can throw an egg.

A report says the source of some “extremely high” radiation over Russia is a mystery. Although authorities are looking back to see if Vladimir Putin recently said anything to make Kim Jong-un mad.

Las Vegas is looking to ban privately owned cars from the Strip. Which isn’t a problem as most visitors there end up hocking their cars for bus fare back home.

An Iranian national has been charged with hacking HBO in an attempt to extort $6 Million. Remember the old days, when all HBO had to worry about was people stealing their signal with a  cable splitter?

A report says 20% of older Millennials are still living with their parents. They are living below their parents in the basement waiting to inherit the house when they switch places and their parents end up below them.

A report says 20% of older Millennials are still living with their parents. Which is better than with the other 80% of Millennials who have moved out and have their own children that they have their parents take care of all day.

A report says 45 Million Americans are expected to take a Thanksgiving road trip. The rest will wish they were on one when the first relative at dinner asks them when they are going to get a job that pays more than minimum wage.

The iPhone X is reportedly being made using illegal high school labor in China. Mostly kids who if they weren’t on their cellphones all day would be able to go to college and not have to work in an iPhone factory.

Two human rights lawyers in China have been sentenced to two years in jail. Which shows their work for more human rights is paying off as anyone else would have been sentenced to at least 10 years in jail.

A study says half of all cancer deaths in the U.S. can be blamed on unhealthy behavior. Which means you might as well do whatever you want because the other half of cancer deaths are with people who tried to live healthy.

A Christmas tree shortage in the U.S. may cause price hikes. It’s blamed on global warming which means pretty soon the traditional Christmas tree in most homes will be a palm.

A beach in Ireland that disappeared in storms 12 years ago returned overnight. Which is great news for the locals who like to go and lay out on the sand each of the three days it actually receives any sunlight.

Mel Gibson says the Harvey Weinstein scandal is a “precursor to change.” How bad is it when Mel Gibson is setting Hollywood’s moral compass?

The French Prime Minister has quashed a bid to make France less macho. Because what invokes an image of macho more than sitting at an outdoor café eating croissants and sipping wine while wearing a beret?

The French Prime Minister has quashed a bid to make France less macho. The question is how much less macho can it get for a country whose chief male role model is still Marcel Marceau?

The French Prime Minister has quashed a bid to make France less macho. If the French want to be more macho, they could start by teaching their military leaders some commands other than “Retreat!”

A report says a researcher injected patients with herpes in U.S. hotels. Which sounds like a metaphor for spending the night with a stranger in a Super 8 Motel.

The Justice Department is investigating Harvard over its affirmative action policies. Which Harvard claims surpass all barriers to include whites who are middle class, upper middle class and even whites who are not in the legacy program.

CBS has fired Charlie Rose after allegations of sexual misconduct. Which shows that even under any other name Rose would smell just as bad.

CBS has fired Charlie Rose over sexual misconduct. How bad is it to be fired by the network that kept the entire cast of “Two Broke Girls” employed for years?

The Vatican has beefed up oversight of its diplomatic corps after two reports of sexual misconduct. Compared to the priests, you would think anyone in the church with only two reports of sexual misconduct would be up for sainthood.

Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe has resigned after 37 years in office. The country is mired in health issues, a bad economy and runaway inflation. Which is nothing to Donald Trump, who says he can do that and more in under four years.

A U.S. trade body is recommending tariffs up to 50% on imported washing machines. The idea is to prevent any importers from using them to launder money.

IKEA is recalling 17.3 Million chests and drawers. That includes models with three to six drawers, depending on how many parts are left over after assembly.

United Airlines has unveiled ten new routes along with two new destinations. The only bad part is that they aren’t necessarily the ones printed on passengers’ tickets.

A John Lennon diary stolen from Yoko Ono has been recovered in Germany. It was determined to be authentic because there were nice things written about Yoko in it and nobody on the planet besides Lennon would have done that.

The McDonald’s museum in Des Plaines, Illinois is set to be torn down. Mostly because the way McDonald’s has been performing lately, pretty much every McDonald’s still open will soon be a museum.

The McDonald’s museum in Des Plaines, Illinois is set to be torn down. It is full of historical photos of a time long past, when you could actually go to a McDonald’s and see lines filled with skinny customers.

A study says taking insulin pills may delay the onset of Type 1 diabetes. The patients it doesn’t help are the ones who complain the pills aren’t sweet enough.

A study says self-harm cases are surging among U.S. girls. Although what girls need to harm themselves when there are people around like Harvey Weinstein, Charlie Rose and Roy Moore?

Big tobacco companies are being forced to run anti-smoking ads on TV. Mostly asking the question “Who could have known all those doctors were right?”

Big tobacco companies are being forced to run anti-smoking ads on TV. Although they are hardly apologetic, telling viewers that sitting on the couch watching those ads will kill them just as fast as cigarettes.

A study says napping on the job could be good for a person’s work performance. Who knew the air traffic controllers were way ahead of even medical researchers?

A study says male triathletes may be harming their hearts. How bad is it when they have a heart problem and are told by all the men sitting on the couch drinking beer all day “We told you so!”

Scientists say most blue whales tend to be “right handed.” Now people are just waiting for the scientists to realize that whales don’t have hands.

Scientists say most blue whales tend to be “right handed.” Which is good because they might not be able to eat as it is so hard to find left handed can openers.

A controversial study on the effects of sugar from the 1960s has been discovered. The research which was paid for by the sugar industry downplays the health consequences leading some scientists to say it was sugar coated.

21st Century Fox stands to get $90 Million in insurance money to cover sex harassment claims. Which shows that Bill O’Reilly was a good investment as his severance of $25 Million still puts Fox $65 Million in the black.

21st Century Fox stands to get $90 Million in insurance money to cover sex harassment claims. The question is, why didn’t someone think it was weird that Fox was insuring itself for that much money against sexual harassment?

Kobe Bryant says if he had gone to college, he would have picked Duke. Apparently instead of going to the NBA out of high school he now feels he would have liked to be a Blue Devil for his One and Done.

Former Braves GM John Coppolella has been banned from baseball for life. How bad is it to be kicked out with a team that hasn’t seen .500 in the past four years?

Former Braves GM John Coppolella has been banned from baseball for life. The worst part is that Pete Rose made $30,000 picking the day he would be kicked out.

Former Braves GM John Coppolella has been banned from baseball for life. Which gives a whole new meaning on getting the Tomahawk Chop.

Yankees slugger Aaron Judge underwent shoulder surgery but should be ready by spring training. Apparently the injury was a result of carrying the rest of the team through the entire regular season.

David Cassidy has died at age 67. He had fought alcoholism the past few years and had several DUIs. Mostly because he made a bad decision in driving drunk behind the wheel of a psychedelic-painted school bus.

1970s Teen idol David Cassidy has died at age 67. He had fought alcoholism the past few years and had several DUIs. He had millions of fans, but some people never forgave him for paving the way for others like Justin Bieber.

David Cassidy has died at age 67. He will always be remembered for his role on “The Partridge Family,” both the good for his singing and acting and the bad in exposing the rest of the world to Danny Bonaduce.

Maria Sharapova is being investigated for her part in a fraudulent luxury housing project in India. Ironically, when they were informed they had lost hundreds of thousands of dollars it was the investors who did the ear piercing screams.

Serena Williams wore a pair of custom-made Nike sneakers at her wedding. There is no word yet on whether she also wore a Dennis Rodman-designed wedding gown.

A camel was reportedly found wandering around central Oregon last Sunday. If that is not a warning that global warming is getting out of control, then what is?

A camel was reportedly found wandering around central Oregon last Sunday. Apparently the camel did not realize that hump day wasn’t until Wednesday.

A camel was reportedly found wandering around central Oregon last Sunday. Apparently the camel was out because it said it would walk a mile for a person.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange warned Donald Trump that a repeal of net neutrality could inhibit tweets. To which most people are saying the end of net neutrality may finally have an upside.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange warned Donald Trump that a repeal of net neutrality could inhibit tweets. Which at least gives people supporting net neutrality the consolation that the start of World War III might be delayed a few weeks.

Donald Trump says he prefers Roy Moore over his Democratic opponent, but added “It’s a very good time for women.” Especially the women who now feel they can safely come out and expose sexual predators like Roy Moore.

Donald Trump reportedly had a 90 minute phone call with Vladimir Putin Tuesday. Apparently Trump was nervous as anyone is when going through their first annual evaluation with their boss.

A survey says 58% of people celebrating Thanksgiving dread talking politics. Which is still better than the 95% who dread talking about anything with their relatives.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As I mentioned above, sad news from the entertainment world with the passing of David Cassidy. For those of you under 40, he was a huge 1970s teen idol from his role as Keith Partridge on “The Partridge Family.” Which is ironic as a member of another famous “family” died earlier in the week, Charles Manson. I mention those two together as they both became famous for completely opposite reasons. Manson was a cold hearted killer who oozed evil and made a nation tremble in fear following the Tate-LaBianca killings. He represented all that was bad in the world at that time. Fortunately, David Cassidy was at the other end of the spectrum in keeping a certain innocence alive on TV with his role of the long haired but still family oriented and responsible member of the musical Partridge clan. He had his own demons to conquer away from the set but always seemed to carry on that air of graciousness that made him extremely likeable despite his occasional lapses of judgment. We will miss David Cassidy who had fame and money but still was an example of be careful what you wish for. It is also Thanksgiving weekend which means I will be taking off a few days and will not post again until Monday. So who says I am not in the spirit of giving this season? I will be back as usual next week and I hope you all have a wonderful Day of Thanks. Hopefully a few of you might even be thankful for a few of these jokes. I may be asking too much there. But one thing I always ask and give thanks for is when you all remember to take the time to always keep on sending the love!


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Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Fox New host Jeanine Pirro was ticketed for going 119 mph in New York. It was the only time a woman at Fox was going that fast without having Bill O’Reilly or Roger Ailes chasing them around the office.

British Airways will start boarding passengers based on who paid the most for their ticket. Which basically means the ones boarding last can walk by the others and know they were the least ripped off.

A Mexican bullfighter was gored in the testicles. The good news is the bullfighter is recovering and is now prepared for when he ever has to go through divorce court.

A Mexican bullfighter was gored in the testicles. After which millions of women in Alabama suggested Roy Moore run for state matador.

A cannabis infused restaurant is planning to open in Chicago. It’s the one restaurant where people who just finished eating will immediately go out for pizza.

German police have arrested a man who had objects stolen from John Lennon. The judge told the suspect to imagine living 5-10 years in prison.

Actor Jeffrey Tambor is leaving the show “Transparent” after sexual harassment allegations. He plays a transsexual on the show and the charges stem from him touching himself.

Volvo will supply Uber with 24,000 self-driving cars by 2019. Which will be followed by former CEO Travis Kalanick being frustrated by going through each of them looking for a driver to abuse and humiliate.

Macy’s will require reservations for any kids wanting to see Santa Claus. Not only that, bouncers will require a two toy minimum at the door.

Macy’s will require reservations for any kids wanting to see Santa Claus. Although rich children can get to the front of the line by slipping the elf a twenty.

A report says Vladimir Putin is considering not running for a fourth term as Russian President. Apparently there are no more challenges to conquer after he won a bet and was even able to get Donald Trump elected.

Chris Christie says he is leaving New Jersey in better shape than it was eight years ago. Although the reason it is in better shape is because he will finally be leaving.

Chris Christie says he is leaving New Jersey in better shape than it was eight years ago. Fortunately for the people of New Jersey, the state is in a lot better shape than Chris Christie.

A study says e-cigarette flavorings may cause heart damage. Which sounds like someone blaming the chocolate and vanilla in ice cream for making them fat.

Experts say that gratitude can benefit people’s health. Especially with Donald Trump when giving thanks can pave the way to avoid spending ten years in a Chinese jail.

 33 people were injured in a cosmetics factory explosion in New York. While there was widespread damage, on the good side it reminded people of how KISS got their start.

33 people were injured in a cosmetics factory explosion in New York. Not only that, the shut down means the Cher tour will be delayed another three months.

33 people were injured in a cosmetics factory explosion in New York. Rescue efforts were hampered as authorities didn’t know if people were injured or were going to a Christine Aguilera look-alike contest.

An off-duty police officer in Brazil shot two robbers while holding his infant child. The child may have been traumatized to the point where the officer will never be able to convince him to “Pull my finger.”

A Pennsylvania man was convicted of killing his roommate for stealing his beer. To which millions of men around the world are saying “So…?”

A former Manson family member says she had sex with Charles Manson when she was 14. It’s just a good thing he died or in this climate he could really be in trouble.

A report says black criminals are given jail sentences 20% longer than white convicts. Which could be a result of judges being jealous that the black convicts are 20% longer in general.

The Department of Justice will challenge the AT&T merger with Time Warner. Which is no surprise as it is exactly what would happen with the U.N. in the case of an alliance between North Korea and Iran.

A UC Berkeley professor is warning about the possibility of killer robots. Unlike the good old days in the ‘60s when the National Guard took on war protesters on the UC campus and didn’t worry about being replaced by technology.

Marriott is introducing Internet connected hotel rooms where customers can set the thermostat with their cellphone. Which is great for women meeting with Harvey Weinstein where they need to cool him down 20 degrees before they arrive.

Uber has been fined $8.9 Million in Colorado for problematic background checks. The White House issued a statement of surprise at the judgment. “You’re supposed to do background checks?”

Donald Trump announced he will pardon two turkeys for Thanksgiving. To which Paul Manafort and Michael Flynn said “We hope he means us!”

A report says the opioid epidemic cost the U.S. $500 Billion in 2015. Which won’t result in any policy changes as long as the campaign donating pharmaceutical companies selling opioids keep making $500 Billion a year in profits.

A report says a spit test may help diagnose and predict the duration of concussions in kids. Especially kids who got their concussion being hit in the head after making the mistake of spitting on a bully.

A report says concussions in kids peak in the fall. Mostly because that is the season for soccer, football and children getting hit in the head by bullies stealing their Halloween candy.

Trader Joe’s is recalling salads over fears of contamination of glass and plastic. Which is no different from salad at most Thanksgiving meals when family members start throwing glasses and water bottles during political discussions.

Harrison Ford came to the rescue of a woman who drove her car off the road. Apparently he had empathy for someone who learned to drive from the same person who taught him how to fly.

The mother of former Alex Rodriguez girlfriend Anne Wojcicki says A-Rod was “not very smart.” Apparently the relationship ended when his girlfriend discovered the baseball diamond wasn’t the only place he needed performance-enhancing drugs.

CBS used crowd noises to drown out chants using slurs during the Raiders-Patriots game in Mexico City. The question is why didn’t NBC come up with the same idea during Olympic soccer matches for the vuvuzelas?

CBS used crowd noises to drown out chants using slurs during the Raiders-Patriots game in Mexico City. As opposed to networks using crowd noises during Raiders home games in Oakland to drown out the noise of random gunfire.

A study says men with muscles and money are most attractive to straight women and gay men. Which means after taking away those two groups, there isn’t much left for the rest of us.

A study says men with muscles and money are most attractive to straight women and gay men. Which brings up the question is it better to keep your money or spend it all on peck implants?

Honda is using Facebook to find owners affected by the Takata recall. Which ironically most found out their airbags were not working when they crashed into a tree while posting selfies on Facebook.

Google is adding labels to new stories to distinguish what is credible content. Meaning pretty much any stories that don’t originate from Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

London is making an attempt to power some city buses using coffee. The only problem is if they use Starbucks coffee, the bus fares will go from a few pence to a couple of hundred pounds.

London is making an attempt to power some city buses using coffee. Which will be a perfect match to run the double decker buses off yesterday’s double mocha latte.

Geologists are warning of huge earthquakes in 2018 due to a slowing of the Earth’s rotation. Mostly because they don’t want the blame for all the quakes that are really caused by geologists doing all the oil field fracking.

A NASA Apollo astronaut watch stolen in Ecuador has been returned to the Smithsonian Institution. Apparently the thief couldn’t sell it because no one wanted a watch that is set only for the Moon time zone.

An Alabama election official sees a lower turnout for the Senate election along with a higher write-in vote. The only problem is determining who write-in voters were selecting when they make their “X.”

Donald Trump has officially dissolved his charitable foundation. Apparently he made one last donation to his new favorite charity, the Donald Trump Legal defense Fund.

CBS has suspended “CBS This Morning” host Charlie Rose for sexual misconduct allegations. The network is hoping that the suspension will be enough to keep at least some of the show’s three viewers.

CBS has suspended morning show host Charlie Rose for sexual misconduct allegations, including walking around naked in front of staffers. The 75 year old needs to learn that is only OK when you have officially been checked into the Home.

The FCC is expected to overturn Net Neutrality this week. Mostly because in Washington, D.C., there is no longer any place for something that is neutral.

Florida has hosted a record 88 Million tourists so far this year. The only problem is that 87 Million of them are in the country from Cuba, Puerto Rico and Guatemala.

A poll says 70% of Americans don’t think Puerto Rico is getting the help it needs after Hurricane Maria. The other 30% are asking when anyone will be able to tell any difference.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The big news from yesterday which I had some jokes about but not my ending rant is the death of Charles Manson. Let’s take a moment to remember him. Now, let’s take the rest of our time to forget him. That was one bad dude. He had the charm and charisma to get people to follow him and do all his bidding, no matter how bad including murder. He could have been such a successful politician. Shame to see all that talent go to waste. When I was growing up in L.A., the Tate-LaBianca murders really hit home because the LaBianca home was in the Los Feliz area, about five miles from my house. My uncle was a homicide detective and actually worked on the case. If Susan Atkins hadn’t bragged about the killings in jail to some other inmates, the case might never have been solved. I am now living in Charleston, West Virginia where Manson spent a short time when he was young. I am just amazed a guy who lived such a rough life from the time he was born was able to make it all the way to age 83. I guess evil has a power all its own. Good riddance to Charles, the end of a very crazy time in the nation’s history. He was put away for life by the great prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi who unfortunately died a couple of years before he could see the end of Manson. Many promising lives were taken from us by Manson, including up and coming actress Sharon Tate. I hate to celebrate anyone’s passing, but in this case we can make an exception. Although I believe much of his evilness was caused by the environment he was born into and brought up most of his life. Let’s all be different from Manson, by making a positive contribution and remembering to always keep on sending the love!