Friday, February 27, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The TSA says it is unlikely to be able to detect what is being called “the greatest incendiary threat to aviation.” Although fortunately, they still are pretty good about taking away any bottles that contain more than three ounces of shampoo.

DC Comic’s Catwoman is coming out as bisexual. The announcement was given away when the comic changed its name to AC/DC.

A study says that people who get more than 8 hours sleep are more likely to have a stroke. Mostly from their spouse repeatedly hitting them over the head to get their rear end out of bed.

The FCC has voted to regulate the Internet as a public utility. The FCC says they will get around to making any necessary changes just as soon as they figure out what they should do about the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction at the 2004 Super Bowl.

The FCC has voted to regulate the Internet as a public utility. Hopefully that will end all the misinformation that is floating around online about subjects like the FCC regulating the Internet.

The FCC has voted to regulate the Internet as a public utility. Which Internet providers say is important so they can get away with the same lack of service and constant rate hikes as electricity, phone and water companies.

Puerto Rico is seeking protection for its corporations under the Federal Bankruptcy Code. The island’s businesses say they want to be able to get some help just in case they become as insolvent as Puerto Rico.

A Canadian court has upheld an oath to the Queen for anyone applying for citizenship. Which is pretty much of a moot point since no one has actually applied to be a Canadian citizen since the end of the Vietnam War.

Verizon responded in Morse Code to the new government rules on regulating the Internet. The reason was to protest what they feel is a move back in time by the FCC. And also to reach any AT&T customers who are still getting service over telegraph lines.

A California couple married for 67 years died together holding hands. As opposed to many more modern couples who die together with their cellphones in their hands as they are texting each other while driving.

A court in South Korea has ruled that adultery is no longer illegal. Ironically, cheating on your wife before could lead to prison time where you would end up being your cellmate’s wife.

A court in South Korea has ruled that adultery is no longer illegal. In America, we moved past that decades ago. Now instead of going to jail it just costs you half of everything you own.

Several economists say that a sharp rise in unemployment is no cause for concern. At least not for economists who can only actually find steady work any time the economy is tanking.

Sears has reported quarterly losses again, but their CEO says there is hope in the smaller declines. Which is like the Cubs manager praising the team for only losing a game by a single digit margin.

A survey says that 43% of Americans want a larger home. Mostly the ones who finally  have enough money to move out of their family sedan and into an SUV.

A survey says that 43% of Americans want a larger home. Which means one of two things. The economy is getting better and people have more money to put into a house, or the obesity thing is getting more out of hand than we thought.

A study says that auto recalls will be high again in 2015. The worst part is that it is mainly for GM cars that are still being recalled for defects dating back to 2009.

A study says that auto recalls will be high again in 2015. What’s even worse is that recall notices are already being sent out for all of GM’s 2016 models.

Rankings from the American Kennel Club show that smaller dog breeds are increasing in popularity. The best news from the trend is the report that the Taco Bell Chihuahua has finally found work for the first time since being laid off back in 1998.

The IRS says the average tax return so far is $3,120. That is for the people who made enough to file a return. For everyone else, $3,120 also happens to be their average yearly income.

A study says the price of used electric cars is tumbling. Which is ironic in that it makes them the only vehicles where people won’t be hit with sticker shock.

An analysis says that only 12% of dinners eaten at home include dessert. Mostly because the other 88% of meals consist of only dessert.

United Airlines has issued a stern warning to pilots to get their attention over several recent near misses. That’s what United gets for moving away from its previous policy of just canceling all their flights before they ever got off the runway.

United Airlines has issued a stern warning to pilots to get their attention over several recent near misses. Which is really unnecessary since no one who flies United actually has any real expectations of arriving at their destination safely.

A survey says that only one quarter of Americans plan to retire. The other three quarters just aren’t counting on making it to their estimated retirement age of 97.

A survey says that half of Americans feel financially secure. Mostly by comparison after they see how the other half are doing.

A survey says that half of Americans feel financially secure. The other half are still trying to find a way to qualify for some kind of government assistance.

A group of plastic surgeons says that butt augmentation is on the rise. Remember when men used to get in trouble for answering yes to when their wives asked if what they were wearing made their butt look big?

A study says that better grocery stores alone can’t improve kids’ diets. Mostly because along with the produce section those stores still have a candy, frozen desserts and soft drink aisle.

A report says that despite promises for retirement, hundreds of chimpanzees are still being held at research centers. To which millions of middle age Americans don’t really care, saying “They can retire when we can retire.”

12,000 low wage workers are benefiting from the first phase of Wal-Mart workforce training. Although how much training can it really take to respond to “Clean up on Aisle 5!”

12,000 low wage workers are benefiting from the first phase of Wal-Mart workforce training. The first lesson is how to use their Wal-Mart paycheck as proof to qualify for Food Stamps.

A study says a healthy diet is linked to having healthy lungs. If your diet is affecting your lung capacity, maybe it’s time to stop literally inhaling your meals.

A report says that nearly a half million Americans are infected by a potentially deadly stomach bug every year. Which is pretty low considering the total number of people who actually eat several meals at Taco Bell every week.

A study says that people who have ADHD are twice as likely to die early as others. The most obvious case was William Tell’s other son who just couldn’t sit still while his dad tried to shoot the apple off his head.

A study says that people who have ADHD are twice as likely to die early as others. The report isn’t expected to be of any help since no one with ADHD will actually be able to pay attention long enough to read it.

A study says that people who have ADHD are twice as likely to die early as others. Well,  hearing that news isn’t going to do much to help calm those people down any.

Kylie Jenner has reportedly bought a $2.7 Million home at age 17. Which just gave millions of teenagers an excuse as to why they don’t think they need to get a high school diploma.

A tree was replanted to take the place of another in Los Angeles’ Griffith Park to honor Beatle George Harrison. The tree is reportedly hardier than the previous one as it is made of Norwegian Wood.

A deal will keep “The Kardashians” on E! for another three years. Apparently the entertainment network wants to keep it going just long enough to be there when Kanye and Kim announce their inevitable divorce.

A deal will keep “The Kardashians” on E! for another three years. The show is being watched carefully by anthropologists who know that the day they win an Emmy will signal the beginning of the decline and fall of modern civilization.

CBS is planning to break a record by showing an episode of “CSI” in 150 countries around the world simultaneously. The idea came from the plan by CBS to have a spinoff of “CSI” based in every one of those countries.

Singer Mark McGrath was the victim of an Internet death hoax. People were surprised. Mark McGrath is still alive?

Kim Kardashian celebrated having the most Instagram followers with 27 Million. Which is just more bad news for the economy knowing that nearly a tenth of all Americans have nothing better to occupy their time with than looking at selfies of Kim Kardashian’s backside.

Kid Rock compared Tiger Woods to Axl Rose and Eminem. Mostly because they all have roughly the same chance of winning a Grand Slam tournament this year.

Kid Rock compared Tiger Woods to Axl Rose and Eminem. The only time Tiger should become concerned is when someone starts comparing him to Kanye West.

Australian researchers have unveiled the world’s first 3D printed jet engine. Although it won’t exactly be reassuring when you are sitting on the tarmac in a plane that needs maintenance while the pilots wait for the repairman from Xerox.

Amazon has hired former White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. Which isn’t good news for investors when the company has taken on someone who has experience in explaining away a $17 Trillion debt.

The Oxford Dictionary has added “ridesharing” and “unbox” to its online database. Examples of the new terms are “Mary needed to use a ridesharing app after she crashed her car by texting while driving with the iPhone she just unboxed."


Leonard Nimoy, who played Mr. Spock on "Star Trek" has died at age 83. Trekkies around the world are mourning his passing, saying it feels like their phasers have been set on stun.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sunday is March 1st. That is big news since it means we are done with this horribly cold February. No wonder they made the month so short. I don’t think I could have taken 30 or 31 days of that. March means spring training which leads to April and Opening Day and then the Masters. The only thing that makes me feel better about the state of the planet is when you all take the time to remember to send the love!

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

James Cameron is set to launch the first vegan elementary school in California. Kids are already trying to figure out how they can send an avatar to the lunch room.

James Cameron is set to launch the first vegan elementary school in California. The idea will go over like the Titanic once the kids see their only option for lunch is the iceberg lettuce.

A surgeon in Italy says that full body transplants could be a reality in two years. Which is good news for the people at Disney who can finally take Walt’s head out of the cafeteria freezer.

A surgeon in Italy says that full body transplants could be a reality in two years. Hasn’t that already been done? Her name is “Cher.”

A 28 year old Tennessee man has been arrested for domestic assault of his 92 year old girlfriend. At first police thought he knocked all her teeth out until they remembered she is 92 and from Tennessee.

A 28 year old Tennessee man has been arrested for domestic assault of his 92 year old girlfriend. If nothing else, it brought into question the algorithm used in the computers to find the perfect matches at eHarmony.com.

Jamaican lawmakers have decriminalized “small” amounts of ganja. Which in Jamaica, a small amount of marijuana is anything less than the 3 acre crop that is currently growing behind every house on the island.

Snow postponed the first execution of a woman by Georgia in 78 years. It was postponed by snow? What were they going to do, have a snowball fight to the death?

T.J. Maxx says it will raise workers’ pay to $9 an hour. Which was discouraging for workers who previously knew the max at Maxx was the minimum.

T.J. Maxx says it will raise workers’ pay to $9 an hour. You know it’s bad when you work at a store that is desperately trying to hold onto employees by following the compensation policy over at Wal-Mart.

Donald Trump says he is serious about running for President in 2016. It’s good to know at least someone is serious about Donald Trump running for President.

Donald Trump says he is serious about running for President in 2016. Or as his Administration would be known as, “The Apprentice, White House Edition.”

Senate leaders are moving on a deal to avoid shutting down the DHS. If there is a shutdown, there would be major repercussions. For one thing, people would have to figure out what to do with the extra two hours they have at the airport not having to go through the TSA body search.

ATMs in Russia give out small loans on the spot, but charge a 730% annual interest rate. To which American banks are saying “You can do that?”

ATMs in Russia give out small loans on the spot, but charge a 730% annual interest rate. Or as American payday loan companies call that, unfairly underselling the competition.

ATMs in Russia give out small loans on the spot, but charge a 730% annual interest rate. The hardest part was figuring out how to equip the machines with a baseball bat so it can break the legs of the people who are too slow paying back what they borrowed.

Washington, D.C. has legalized marijuana despite threats from Congress. The last thing the country needs is for the rest of the nation’s capital to become as lazy and unproductive as Congress.

Southwest Airlines canceled 100 flights earlier this week because of missed inspections of their airplanes. Or as United Airlines calls 100 canceled flights, a morning warm up exercise.

A report says that U.S. wine exports were down 4% in 2014. Apparently the economy has recovered to the point where local winos have enough money to keep all the domestic vintage right here at home.

A study says that U.S. car communication technology is twice as likely to break down after three years as it is in the first three months. Except with Chrysler vehicles which weren’t part of the study since no one has ever had one that has actually lasted a full three years.

Siri will soon be able to speak in Russian, Portuguese, Swedish and four other languages. Which is great news for anyone trying to understand what the person on the other end of the line at the Apple tech support center is trying to say.

Siri will soon be able to speak in Russian, Portuguese, Swedish and even Turkish. The ability for Siri to understand Turkish is just for people who like to talk turkey.

A New York financial regulator is considering new rules to protect against an “Armageddon-type” cyber attack that would devastate U.S. financial markets. Although if any group wanted to destroy the economy, all they would have to do is bring back subprime home mortgages.

KFC is testing edible coffee cups in the UK. If that works, all they have to do is try to figure out how to make some edible chicken.

Google Artificial Intelligence has reportedly been able to teach itself how to play and become unbeatable at video games. The only problem is that no one has seen it in the last six months since it graduated college and moved back into its parents’ basement.

A study says that most requests for medical tests by patients are appropriate. Of course, that depends on whether the money for the test will go to pay off the doctor’s vacation condo, Mercedes Benz or country club membership.

A report says that international travelers to the U.S. spent $222 Billion in 2014. And that was just the ones who wanted a blanket and bottle of water on the flight over.

A study says the function of the length of eyelashes is to keep eyes from drying. Which is ironic when a woman has mascara dripping down her face which wouldn’t have happened if she didn’t use it in the first place to make her eyelashes longer.

Food experts are concerned about people who have Orthorexia, where they are obsessed about healthy eating. Or as those people are called in America, foreigners.

A study says the “love hormone” oxytocin can dampen the effects of alcohol. Which is ironic in that for most people, alcohol is the love hormone.

A man received a bionic eye that allowed him to see his wife for the first time in ten years. His first words were “Don’t you ever clean up this place?”

A study says that women are at a greater risk for suffering fatal heart attacks. Mostly from ignoring the symptoms because they are too busy working a job, cleaning the house, and taking care of the kids while their husbands are permanently attached to the living room couch.

A report says that apples are the produce with the most pesticides. Which must work because every tech will tell you that a Mac has fewer bugs than any PC.

The Supreme Court has ruled that dentists do not have a monopoly on whitening teeth. And as any hillbilly with a pair of pliers and a bottle of whiskey will tell you, they don’t have a monopoly on pulling them, either.

The Supreme Court has ruled that dentists do not have a monopoly on whitening teeth. Which is good news for the people of Alabama who can take advantage of shopping mall salons who run specials if you are whitening three teeth or less.

Researchers say that emulsifiers that make foods creamy may also be responsible for the obesity epidemic. Which is ironic in that the ingredients that make our food creamier are doing the same thing to us.

A study says that helmet add-ons don’t reduce the risk of concussions for football players. The easiest way to tell if a player has suffered a head injury is when they keep repeating “I’m just here so I won’t be fined.”

A report says that chewing tobacco could be banned from California ballparks. Apparently it became a concern when it was discovered that it wasn’t the drought that was making all the outfield grass turn brown.

Beyonce is set to start a vegan food delivery service. Which doesn’t make sense. If you want to make money delivering food, make it pizza where the people who always order it can’t actually be bothered to get off the couch to go get it themselves.

A report says that several of the Victoria’s Secret Angels are leaving because of low pay. Not to say the money was bad, but most of them are going over to Wal-Mart now that they have announced their pay increase to $9 an hour.

A report says that several of the Victoria’s Secret Angels are leaving because of low pay. It turns out that the way for women to make the most money modeling is to either be fully dressed or have no nothing at all.

“The Doctors” TV show blasted Mama June for the obese Honey Boo Boo’s eating habits. Mostly because the family’s biggest habit is eating.

A former Miss Turkey is facing prison time for insulting the country’s president. She may be a former Miss Turkey, but this time her goose could be cooked.

Former “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson says she is all in favor of the legalization for pot and also supports the Second Amendment. Which means no one better even think of getting into her stash.

Lindsay Lohan will have to make up 125 hours of community service that she claimed for working in a London stage play. Apparently her contention was that any time she stays off the highways in the U.S. should be considered a benefit to the people.

Marshawn Lynch says his biopic called “Family First” is no good and wants changes made before it can be released. Although he may have as much control as his attempt to rework NFL Films’ final play of the Super Bowl.

A report says that only 40% of the planet has ever connected to the Internet. The other 60% are apparently only in areas that is serviced by AOL.

A report says that only 40% of the planet has ever connected to the Internet. Which is good because once the other 60% discover Internet porn, the entire world will pretty much shut down.

A report says that only 40% of the planet has ever connected to the Internet. Which is good because it means that 60% of us still have a chance at carrying on a conversation with another human, go shopping at a real store and have “friends” whom they have actually seen in person.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Kind of a slow day in the comedy world. Or as all of you who log into this site know that as, “Thursday.” But I was still able to crank out several dozen jokes, some which I understand rate as high as “mildly amusing.” At least the price is right, in my opinion. The bad part is when people start asking for rebates. One thing I will never make a refund on is when you all remember to send the love!

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

J.P. Morgan says it will start charging its larger clients fees for deposits. Which is still a good deal for corporations that will find it cheaper to pay for the deposits rather than have to buy the thousands of mattresses needed to stuff all their billions in profits.

Pakistanis have been ordered by the government to surrender their fingerprints or lose their cellphone service. Which is still less of a burden than being caught stealing a cellphone and surrendering their fingers.

Pakistanis have been ordered by the government to surrender their fingerprints or lose their cellphone service. Which is not that big of a deal considering that to keep access to a smartphone, most Americans would give up their firstborn child along with their video game console and seven of the guaranteed protections of the Bill of Rights.

A study says that fluoride in drinking water may trigger depression and weight gain. Mostly because people are depressed about becoming fat because they still have enough teeth left to use to eat solid foods like cheeseburgers, pizza and doughnuts.

A report says that nearly 17,000 federal employees made more than $200,000 last year. Although those are just the ones who bothered to actually report all their bribes, kickbacks and payoffs as income.

NBC Nightly News ratings are reportedly up since Brian Williams was suspended for lying. Apparently new anchor Lester Holt comes from a larger family.

NBC Nightly News ratings are reportedly up since Brian Williams was suspended for lying. Mostly from people who figure there is no need to tune in to Jon Stewart when NBC gives them even more of the fake news they love to watch.

A report says that half of all the people in New York City speak a language other than English at home. That doesn’t even count the people in Brooklyn who technically speak English but still need an interpreter for anyone outside of the Five Boroughs.

A report says states use secret surveys to predict the likelihood that offenders will commit future crimes. Which of course, the answer is pretty likely since they are only given the form if they are already sitting in prison.

Qatar says the 2022 World Cup that will be held there will not have any games on Christmas. At least as long as none of the contests are started less than three days before December 25th.

Alaska has become the latest state to legalize marijuana. Although it wasn’t legal before, no one has ever been arrested because no police officer would ever go out in -50 temperatures to bust someone for firing up a bong.

Alaska has become the latest state to legalize marijuana. The state will incorporate it into their new motto, “Finally, a reason to come to Alaska!”

Keith Olbermann has been suspended by ESPN for tweets he sent out about students at Penn State. He would have gotten away with the remarks if he would have just said them on his TV show as long as none of his three viewers were Nittany Lions.

The U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan says that U.S. citizens can expect to be the targets of imminent attacks. Or as Americans living in Kabul call that, “Tuesday.”

The U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan says that U.S. citizens can expect to be the targets of imminent attacks. In other words, it is an update of the continuing alert to anyone living in the Middle East which has been in effect for the past 5,000 years.

The U.N. climate chief has resigned over sexual harassment charges. Apparently he went around to all the women in his office claiming there was global warming. In his pants.

A report says that 50 Million Americans with retirement funds through their jobs may get a boost from the Supreme Court about high 401(k) fees charged by employers. The extra money could mean some workers could retire ten years earlier than expected, when they turn 87.

Former New York Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver pleaded not guilty to taking $4 Million in bribes. He says he is shocked and humiliated by the charges. How dare the state think he is only worth a measly $4 Million in kickbacks?

A study says that consumers are terrible at estimating air fares for flights. Apparently they go wrong when they figure out the maximum amount anyone should be charged for a trip and then multiply it by only three.

A study says that consumers are terrible at estimating air fares for flights. They don’t take into account all the extra money it costs airlines to cancel all the flights that still have one or two vacant seats.

A study says that consumers are terrible at estimating air fares for flights. Apparently they aren’t aware of how the cost is figured, by airlines doing intense studies to see just how much people can actually be suckered into paying for a seat.

Goodyear is paying $16 Million to settle bribery related charges in other countries. The tire company agreed to the payments but says they feel the amount was overinflated.

Goodyear is paying $16 Million to settle bribery related charges in other countries. The tire company says they had to give bribes because it isn’t enough to get business anymore by offering to give free rides on the blimp.

Nobel Prize winning economist Robert Shiller says people can save much more money by living like students. Which ironically, living like a student is why many of them are still living like students while they pay off $100,000 in tuition loans.

J.P. Morgan says it will close 300 bank branches as more people are using online banking services. Mostly the ones who are now making all their financial plans through e-mails with a Nigerian prince.

Donald Keough, a long time Coca-Cola executive has died at age 88. He had six children 18 grandchildren and two great-grandchildren, but everyone just called him “Pop.”

Photo sharing site Reddit has banned nude pictures that are posted without the consent of the subject. Which will mean a lot more views for the three people who actually post something other than naked pictures of all their exes.

A report says that 96% of all smartphones operate on Apple’s iOS or Google’s Android operating systems. The other 4% are still a bit behind the times and are holding out until someone comes up with a cellphone that still uses rotary dial.

Seattle running back Marshawn Lynch has filed to trademark the phrase “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” Which will soon be replaced by his new phrase, “Actually I’m just here to watch them throw a last second interception.”

A study says that marijuana is 114 times less deadly than alcohol. Which sounds like a number that could only be concocted by someone who is incredibly stoned.

A study says that marijuana is 114 times less deadly than alcohol. Obviously the study didn’t factor in the long term health risk from eating three pizzas a day while being stuck to the couch over a 20 year period.

Two anti-aging scientists have wagered $1 Million that will go to the person who outlives the other. To which Larry King says “I’ll take a piece of that!”

Two anti-aging scientists have wagered $1 Million that will go to the person who outlives the other. People don’t take the bet seriously. Where are anti-aging scientists going to get a million dollars?

A study says that two of three smokers will die early if they don’t quit. The other one third are older than 35 and have already exceeded the life expectancy of the average smoker.

A study says that intense anger increases the risk of having a heart attack by eight times. Especially when the anger comes from seeing the cost of the latest visit to the cardiologist.

A report says that a simple skin test could be able to detect Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when the skin is frozen and full of frostbite because the person is wearing only shorts and a T-shirt because they forgot it is the middle of winter.

A study says that gerbils, not rats may have caused the 14th Century plague in Europe. To which Richard Gere is saying “Don’t look at me. I wasn’t even born yet.”

Taylor Swift has given $50,000 to New York City schools. She would have given some to Los Angeles schools but is withholding the money because she has recently been dumped by three students in the L.A. school system.

A report says the estate of Ernie Banks was only worth $16,000. You know things are messed up when a Hall of Famer like Banks has $16,000 to his name while someone is actually paying Alex Rodriguez $191,000 for each game.

LeBron James set the record for the most assists by a forward with 6,136. To which Kobe Bryant says is no big deal since they both have exactly the same number of assists while playing guard.

The Big Ten is planning to discuss making freshmen ineligible for sports. As opposed to the Southeastern Conference whose freshmen are ineligible mostly because they never actually went to high school.

The Waffle House is teaming up with delivery app Roadie to have customers deliver packages. The only problem is finding any Waffle House customers who still actually have a valid driver’s license that hasn’t been suspended.

The Waffle House is teaming up with delivery app Roadie to have customers deliver packages. The only problem is finding a Waffle House customer who will be driving anywhere other than southern Georgia.

Scientists say that comets are like deep fried ice cream. To which most movie goers now say the film “Deep Impact” should be reclassified from science-fiction to fantasy.

A newly discovered wasp was named for Boston Bruin goalie Tuukka Rask. Mostly because “Tuukka Rask” is the name that sounds most like what people say when they are stung by a wasp.

A newly discovered wasp was named for Boston Bruin goalie Tuukka Rask. What makes more sense than to name a wasp after someone in a sport that is owned, played by and watched by nothing but WASPs?

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald has pledged to “do better” after being caught lying about being in Special Forces. Although he says he may not have been in Special Forces, he did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald has pledged to “do better” after being caught lying about being in Special Forces. Next time he says he will lie about being in the Navy SEALs.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! What’s with all these people being caught lying about what they have done in their careers? Brian Williams, Bill O’Reilly, Veteran Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald? I can understand the last guy lying because what man wants to go around saying they are a secretary? Maybe I should start lying. Obviously being a TV meteorologist who writes jokes hasn’t impressed the right people. Except for my loyal readers, of course. I don’t need to tell lies about what I do because there is nothing better than when you remember to send the love!

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A 29 year old cat in Sweden is thought to be the oldest in the world. Although the only difference between a dead cat and one that is still alive is that the living cats actually come out of suspended animation once in awhile to clean out their cat food dish.

A report says that in the future, vacations will be uploaded into people’s minds to think they have taken a trip. It will supposedly be so real that people waking up from what they imagined to be a visit to Disneyland will actually have a case of the measles.

A report says that in the future, vacations will be uploaded into people’s minds to think they have taken a trip. As opposed to people who know they have taken a vacation because they are still paying it off eight months later.

A report says that in the future, vacations will be uploaded into people’s minds to think they have taken a trip. The vacations will be so realistic that people booking on United will still have their trips cut short by several canceled flights.

A report says that one third of Americans are living at the risk of financial crisis. The other two thirds haven’t had to worry about financial crisis since they lost their job, house and cars back in 2007.

Ashton Kutcher is encouraging men to explore their sexuality by “kissing a dude.” Although there is pretty much no question of your sexuality if you have Mila Kunis at home and you still want to make out with another guy.

A study says that taking frequent saunas can be good for the heart. At least until your wife finds you sharing a hot tub with the next door neighbor’s daughter.

The Smithsonian is investigating a scientist who denies climate change is being caused by humans while accepting $1.2 Million from the fossil fuel industry. Apparently his system of research checks and balances is accepting a check from Big Oil to add to his bank balance.

New technology can actually generate facial images based on samples of DNA. In fact, those weren’t polka dots on Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress. They were hundreds of pictures of Bill Clinton.

Some colleges are allowing students to do work for reduced tuition. What’s even better is that they can earn the money while getting experience on their future career by running the cash register at the student union convenience store.

Russian President Vladimir Putin says that war with the Ukraine is “unlikely.” At least until they are able to afford to send their troops into battle with more than an umbrella and trash can lid.

The DHS says that a shutdown in their funding by Congress could bring “serious consequences.” Which if true would be the first time that the DHS has actually seen one of their warnings actually be right.

Patrons at the Mall of America are being told to be careful after a threat by terrorist group Al Shabaab. It is the first time shoppers have ever been warned about potential dangers at malls since the inception of the food court.

California is reportedly spending $20 Million to build a “hydrogen highway” with filling stations for hydrogen powered cars. Which is not to be confused with the “helium highway” where drivers all talk in really high pitched cartoon voices.

A report says that typical portrayals of Millennials as lazy and narcissistic or energized optimists bent on saving the world are wrong. The truth is they are lazy and narcissistic but are only interested in saving the world if it is in the form of a video game.

The price of a one day ticket to Disneyland has gone up to $99. The increase is due in part to the new attraction of QuarantineLand for any kids who are showing any symptoms that they have contracted measles.

The price of a one day ticket to Disneyland has gone up to $99. Now at least the Seven Dwarfs aren’t the only ones coming up a little short at the gate.

Lady Gaga’s performance of a medley from “The Sound of Music” was the most tweeted about part of the Oscars. Other than wondering how many socks Neil Patrick Harris stuffed into his tighty whities.

Honda is replacing its CEO after poor sales following the airbag crisis. You know it is getting serious in the auto business when the latest carmaker recalls include their executives.

The U.S. Treasury says there are $649 in small bills in circulation for every person in the country. Otherwise known as their life savings and retirement account.

The ratings for the Oscars dropped to their lowest level in six years. You know the ratings have fallen dramatically when the Academy is considering whether or not to bring back David Letterman as the host.

The ratings for the Oscars dropped to their lowest level in six years. It could have been worse. They could have spent the same amount of time along with $8 going to see “The Expendables 3.”

President Obama says that financial retirement advisers need tougher standards. Although how difficult can it be to tell people they have enough money saved for retirement as long as they work to age 93?

A study says that eating late at night could disrupt learning and memory. Especially when they never learn and can’t remember that all those late night snacks are the reason they have become morbidly obese.

A study says that 15% of American two year olds drink coffee. Which is understandable for countries like China where their toddlers like to have a little something to wake them up so they can be alert while they sew together pairs of Air Jordans all day.

A report says that medical marijuana could be marketed as kosher. Which is good news for Jewish stoners who want to mix a little weed in with the other ingredients when they are making matzah balls.

A report says that medical marijuana could be marketed as kosher. Now all that is left for Jewish stoners is finding some kosher pizza, cookies and snack cakes to nosh on after getting high.

A study says that a baby’s bonding with their parents has big implications with the child’s mental health as a teenager. To which the parents who have bonded with their teenagers are asking “You mean it could be even worse?”




A group of pediatricians says that a little fat and sugar is OK for kids as long as their diet is healthy. The only problem is that for most American kids, sugar and fat pretty much is their diet.

A study says that 2.3 Million Americans have suffered medical ID theft. The good news is that most the victims don’t care since the thieves are taking less money than their doctor bills.

A study says that 2.3 Million Americans have suffered medical ID theft. Which some people are blaming on Obamacare, saying if people had no health insurance like Republicans wanted, none of this would have happened.

Little Caesar’s has introduced a bacon wrapped pizza. Which means that for most Americans that now officially qualifies it as a breakfast food.

A study says the food habits of the world are getting worse. Which is still better than the situation in America, where food isn’t a habit but more of a full time occupation.

A report says that few seniors are using Medicare’s obesity counseling benefit. Mostly because who wants to sit there for an hour listening to a doctor tell you to quit eating so much?

A study says that meditation can help people get a restful night’s sleep. Mostly because they feel so much more relaxed after they smash the tape of Jeff Bridges stirring a bowl while chanting “ohhhhmmmmmmmm...”

A poll says that 8 of 10 Americans want vaccines to be required following the measles outbreak. The other two are not planning on taking a vacation to Disneyland this year.

Lady Gaga reportedly worked with a vocal coach for six months to train for her medley from “The Sound of Music” at the Oscars. To which Britney Spears, Nicki Minaj and Kanye West are asking “What’s a vocal coach?”

Lady Gaga reportedly worked with a vocal coach for six months to train for her medley from “The Sound of Music” at the Oscars. Which is also exactly the same amount of time she recommends to age the meat used in making a dress.

Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Kylie Jenner and Kim’s daughter North West were reportedly in an auto accident in Montana. Fortunately for the other passengers, everyone escaped injury when Kim’s rear end deployed.

Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Kylie Jenner and Kim’s daughter North West were reportedly in an auto accident in Montana. Apparently they were in Montana because Kim accidentally typed into their vehicle’s GPS “rodeo” instead of “Rodeo Drive.”

Major League Baseball’s new commissioner says he is open to a shorter season. Which could revert back to the old schedule of 154 games to as little as the three weeks it takes before the Cubs are mathematically eliminated.

New paper cups come with seeds implanted inside so that instead of being thrown away the cup can be planted to grow a tree. Those trees could then be used someday to be cut down and used to make millions of disposable Starbucks coffee cups.

A survey says that American ratings of North Korea are still highly negative with 9% rating it favorably. Which means Congress can feel proud that they still rate three points higher than Kim Jong-un, his haircut and Dennis Rodman.

Lawmakers from cattle producing states say that President Obama is trying to kill their industry with a federal report that encourages Americans to go green. In fact, the only bigger political threat to the beef industry is if Chris Christie is elected to the White House and decides to the daily buffet consisting of red meat.

A study says that climate played a role in the spread of the plague in medieval Europe. Just like in modern times where disease has been spread by people wanting to be in a warmer climate who decide to spend their vacation at Disneyland.

The Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald is apologizing for falsely claiming he served in the U.S. Army Special Forces. The whole thing unraveled after he claimed he was on the helicopter that came under fire sitting right next to Brian Williams.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am having trouble even sitting today to write these jokes because of a sore back. It is almost as painful as the description I get from people who actually read these jokes. But pain or no pain, I am here for you. All I ever ask in return, besides being remembered in your will and charitable donations is that you make sure to remember once in awhile to send the love!

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Connecticut man was arrested after going into a rage over getting a bad haircut. That’s what you get when you walk into the local barber college while they are teaching a group of North Korean students how to do the Kim Jong-un.

A Connecticut man was arrested after going into a rage over getting a bad haircut. Not only was it a bad cut, it cost $50. It would have been even worse except that the price included the bowl the stylist used for the cut.

A Connecticut man was arrested after going into a rage over getting a bad haircut. The problem started when the stylist thought his 50% off coupon meant he wanted one side of his head shaved.

A dietary advisory group is suggesting electronic monitoring devices to limit the screen time of teenagers. The only problem is with the parents who consider screen time as an electronic monitoring device.

Pope Francis I told members of the Mafia the Church will welcome them back if they repent. To which the Mafia is saying “You first.”

New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter says he may slow down the troop withdrawal in Afghanistan. Apparently he is thinking if we threaten to leave them there long enough the Afghans will finally just say that we won the war to get rid of us.

A man in London who was on the way to a job interview cursed out a person on the subway only to find out it later it was the person interviewing him. Which is actually the same thing as watching an episode of “The Apprentice” in reverse.

The government says it sent 800,000 Obamacare customers erroneous tax information. Although the customers say that it is still a lot less bad information than they dealt with when they were using the Obamacare website.

Land Rover has recalled 61,000 vehicles for software problems with their airbags. What software do you need for an airbag? They should probably just program it so when the car goes from 60 to zero in less than a second, it’s probably a good time to start inflating.

The DNC says that voters think that Democrats stand for “a laundry list of disparate ideas.” Although after the last election, most Democrats were asking “What voters?”

The IRS is warning taxpayers about a “dirty dozen” of tax scams. Which is referring to the 12 people in the country who still actually have an income.

A New York bank has agreed to stop a policy that kept poor and low income people from opening checking and savings accounts. Although most people refer to that policy as “the economy.”

Lockheed Martin has agreed to pay $62 Million to settle a lawsuit over their 401(k) plan. The loss means there will have to be cutbacks to make up for the $62 Million. As many as three of their new F-35 fighter jets won’t come with flashlights for the pilot.

A new book is urging Gen Y, people in their 20s and 30s to take control of their finances. That is, besides having a jar labeled “paper route tips.”

A report says a loophole in the immigration law is costing thousands of Americans jobs. But not as many jobs as the holes in the fence along the Mexican border.

A report says that U.S. arms suppliers are making billions of dollars because of the defense spending by Middle East countries over tension in that part of the world. Which is good for defense contractors since they no longer are making billions of dollars from us invading them trying to take their oil.

A report says that Republicans want to shut down a poverty research program at the University of North Carolina. Which is unfortunate since what better place to study poverty than at a college where graduates will soon be trying to pay off $100,000 in student loans with a minimum wage job?

A report says that Republicans want to shut down a poverty research program at the University of North Carolina. Apparently they feel there is no need to research poverty since everyone knows it is already caused by Republican economic policies.

Major League Baseball has adopted rules changes to try to speed up the game. For one thing, they will try to get players to take their PEDs in pill form to save the time it takes to give themselves all those injections.

Major League Baseball has adopted rules changes to try to speed up the game. Starting next year, they will declare the Cubs mathematically eliminated from the playoffs at the beginning of the season so they don’t waste time trying to actually win any games.

Amazon is reportedly planning to sell designer clothes online. Because what woman wouldn’t feel special going to a social function wearing an outfit that just a few hours earlier she was using a crowbar to try to pry out of her mailbox?

A Michigan man with just days to live was able to marry his fiancee at his hospice. At least there is one person who has figured out how to pretty much guarantee he won’t be getting a divorce.

A Michigan man with just days to live was able to marry his fiancee at his hospice. Although that’s the same way Larry King has been married eight times with each of his wives pretty much convinced he wasn’t going to last more than a couple of weeks at best.

A study says that forcing mentally ill people into treatment can save money in the long run. An even better solution is making them rich like the Osbournes, Kardashians and Duck Dynasty clan by giving them their own reality shows.

A Texas boy received a kidney transplant after his teacher agreed to be his donor. Apparently she was just willing to do anything to stop him from interrupting the class all day to go to the bathroom.

A report says the Pentagon spent $84 Million on Viagra and other ED drugs in 2014. Apparently the military felt it was a lot cheaper than trying to keep them busy by starting new wars in the Middle East.

A report says the Pentagon spent $84 Million on Viagra and other ED drugs in 2014. Which finally explains where the “Reveille” lyrics “I can’t get ‘em up at all” originated.

The FTC has charged the company that distributes Mosquito Shield Bans, a wearable repellent with deceiving customers. It turns out that the mosquitoes were nowhere near as good at being bloodsuckers as the people running the company.

Medicare says it is toughening the standards on nursing homes. Which is good news for people who no longer have to wonder about the care their elderly parents are getting when their family members show up for a visit every other year.

A study says that shopping while hungry can make people buy even more non-food products. Mostly because after missing a few meals is the only time most people can actually fit into some of the clothes they would like to buy.

Kanye West traded insults with model and rapper Amber Rose. The most cutting remark she made was that he was acting like Kanye West.

Bill O’Reilly says questions about his claims about his war-zone reporting does not put him in a Brian Williams situation. Mostly because no one has ever suggested that O’Reilly is actually a real journalist.

Kurt Cobain’s credit card is going to be sold at auction. Bids are already reported to be more than $12,000. Mostly from people who like the idea of having a Visa that will put them in less debt than what they are currently running on all their other credit cards.

Kanye West says that Kylie Jenner and her boyfriend Tyga are “in love.” Which is only a surprise to him when he finds out anyone is in love with someone other than Kanye West.

Dodger pitcher Zack Greinke reportedly had a routine elbow injection. Although they need to watch how they word that as most “routine” injections are full of PEDs that are shot into the backside.

Former Heisman Trophy winning quarterback Jameis Winston reportedly ran a slow 4.97 40 yard dash at the NFL Scouting Combine. It was his slowest time since trying to outrun a Publix security guard while carrying a bag of crablegs.

Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll says the Super Bowl loss is behind and the team is “charging forward.” If he would have let Marshawn Lynch charge forward on the final play of the game he wouldn’t still be trying to change the subject.

Danica Patrick will be the first woman to ever be a NASCAR TV race analyst. Apparently she has moved into the TV booth so she can actually get a chance to see what the checkered flag looks like.

Two U.S. astronauts spent six hours rerouting cables on a spacewalk around the International Space Station. They say if they knew how much work it was going to take they would not have bothered making the switch from cable to satellite TV.

Scientists say they have discovered a rare, doomed planet that has extreme seasons. Or as Al Gore calls that, “Earth.”

Three Bronze Age shrines that were used to predict the future have been discovered in Armenia. The sites were apparently abandoned when the soothsayers got a look at what life was going to be like if they stayed in Armenia.

Three Bronze Age shrines that were used to predict the future have been discovered in Armenia. The bad part is that since then Armenia has only moved past the Iron Age into the Medieval period.

A report says a 14 year old boy using $15 in parts from RadioShack was able to hack into a car. Technology experts were shocked. There are parts you can buy at RadioShack that actually work?

A study says that Spanish is the happiest language. Mostly because at least in the U.S., that is the language that is spoken by most people who still actually have a job.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Rough week here in West Virginia. The past week saw the mercury fall to -11, while we also picked up about 10 inches of snowfall and more than an inch of rain on top of that. Now I remember why it was so expensive to live in California. Oh, well. March is only a week away and that means that April is up next along with Opening Day! Hopefully that means some temperatures above freezing in the near future. It’s tough to type these jokes when I can’t feel my fingers. Maybe that’s the problem. Although there is nothing that warms me up as much as when you all remember to keep on sending the love!

Friday, February 20, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Italy is reportedly preparing for the possibility of air strikes by ISIS. The only question is how long it will take them to train those pigeons to be able to accurately aim their droppings.

Data says the number of corporations in the U.S. has dropped to its lowest level in 40 years. The economy has taken businesses that used to want to be like Ma Bell but can’t be much more than Mom & Pop.

A poll says that 78% of Americans don’t think net neutrality is a good idea while 74% don’t even know what net neutrality is. Which shows that Americans will never let ignorance get in the way of making a decision.

A poll says that 78% of Americans don’t think net neutrality is a good idea while 74% don’t even know what net neutrality is. All men need to know is that when they get online they will be able to see pictures of naked women.

Alaska leads the nation in a recent ranking of well-being. Mostly because Americans think the perfect place to live would be somewhere that it is so cold there is always an excuse to stay on the couch all day watching TV.

A Utah court has allowed a woman to sue herself over the wrongful death of her husband. Not only that but she could also end up being sued by his four other wives.

A Utah court has allowed a woman to sue herself over the wrongful death of her husband. The only question is when the verdict comes back, how will she know if she won or lost?

A one bedroom apartment in New York City is renting for $300,000 a month. Which is roughly twice the amount of a good, solid move-in ready refrigerator box at the corner of Park and 57th.

The Labor Department’s cafeteria has been shut down because of rodent droppings and flies. The department is considering instead reopening it and franchising it out as a Taco Bell.

NOAA says that January was the second warmest on record globally. Which is good news for people in the northeast who can enjoy the milder conditions while they go out to shovel off the eight feet of snow on their sidewalks.

Wal-Mart says it will raise its U.S. workers’ pay to $9 an hour. The problem is that Wal-Mart likes to keep their employees’ wages down because that means they can still only afford to shop at Wal-Mart.

Leon Kent, a hero who stopped German tanks at the Battle of the Bulge has died at 99. Which is ironic in that most Americans will never make it even close to 99 because of their battle with the bulge.

German soldiers are being forced to use broomsticks to symbolize guns during NATO exercises. To which they were mocked by French soldiers who said everyone knows you make a gun by sticking out your index finger and yelling “Bang!”

A proposed bill in Georgia would lower tuition and increase college access for undocumented aliens. Mostly just to get someone into their universities since no one who went through the Georgia school system can qualify.

A survey says that 53% of workers over the age of 60 are putting their retirement on hold. The other 47% say they will start thinking about their retirement once they actually can find a job.

A survey says that 53% of workers over the age of 60 are putting their retirement on hold. The worst part is realizing their retirement party will be held at the same time as their wake.

The White House says that higher wages would make up for stagnation. To which Congress agreed and promptly voted to give themselves another pay raise.

A study says that college is still worth the effort. Especially for the researchers doing the study who know if it weren’t for this, they would be working behind the counter at a 7-Eleven.

A study says that college is still worth the effort. Except for the people with philosophy degrees who use their education to construct a chain of reasoning to examine why that ability is worth paying off $100,000 in student loans.

A government committee is suggesting taxing sugary foods and drinks to help stop obesity. Because the government is committed to trimming the fat everywhere except when it comes to their ability to get more money to spend.

A report says that Wal-Mart workers getting a raise to $9 an hour will still have to work 2.8 Million hours to make the same pay as the company’s CEO. Wal-Mart says such a scenario is impossible. Mostly because anything over 40 hours a week means they have to include benefits.

Cigarette maker Reynolds American is moving into the nicotine gum business. You know your smoking habit is out of control when you find yourself trying to light up a stick of Juicy Fruit.

Cigarette maker Reynolds American is moving into the nicotine gum business. So they get you hooked and then try to help you stop. Apparently they found it was much more lucrative than encouraging people to keep smoking and starting up a casket company.

Frederick’s of Hollywood is reportedly shutting down a third of its stores. Mostly since the new crop of celebrity women like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian quit wearing underwear years ago.

Frederick’s of Hollywood is reportedly shutting down a third of its stores. The word got out because Victoria just couldn’t keep a secret.

A link has been found between air pollution and suicide. Ironically, the study also found a risk of suicide from the humiliation of being seen driving around in a Prius.

A study says a shorter index finger and longer ring finger are more likely to be polite. Mostly because it indicates they don’t have a longer middle finger from constantly showing it to everyone.

New diet guidelines from the government say that people should eat more vegetables, less fat and salt and exercise more. Just for a laugh they also recommended paying more in taxes, working longer hours and refusing any extra pay.

Vanilla Ice says his recent arrest for robbery has been blown our of proportion. Or was he talking about his music career?

Vanilla Ice says his recent arrest for robbery has been blown our of proportion and that he wishes the media would focus on the good things he has done. Like not putting out any new albums or movies in the past 20 years.

Former “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson says she can’t get any other artists to work with her. Mostly because everyone in the music business remembers the last person to perform with her was Justin Guarini.

Australian rapper Iggy Azalea says she is quitting social media because of the “hatred and pettiness.” Which is exactly why everyone else has joined into social media.

Blur has announced their first album in 12 years. They said it would have come out sooner but the last dozen years have just been a blur.

Researchers say they have discovered that ants build toilets in their nests. As opposed to the ones who live on ant farms who are still just using outhouses.

Oral B’s new smart toothbrushes can communicate with an app to show the latest news and weather while brushing. Which works out well for people who like to rinse while at the same time do a spit take during the stock market report.

A new color changing jacket shows the mood of the person wearing it. Which is more than likely always going to reflect the anger of the person when they realize they spend several hundred dollars for something that makes them look like an idiot.

A new color changing jacket shows the mood of the person wearing it. Or you could spend your money on a jacket that instead might actually help keep you warm.

Apple is reportedly trying to begin production of an electric car by 2020. It will be connected to the Internet, have access to iTunes and will even be able to connect the driver to Uber to get a ride since no one at Apple knows anything about how to actually make any kind of transportation vehicle.

A report says the IRS paid out $5.85 Billion in fraudulent refunds in the past three years. It could have been prevented if they just would have realized the first sign of fraud in this economy is reporting any actual income.

President Obama was not along for the college tour of his daughter Malia. People are just hoping that won’t interfere with her chances of the daughter of the President of the United States being considered for acceptance at the college of her choice.

President Obama was not along for the college tour of his daughter Malia. Apparently he feels he has done enough by having a job with a $400,000 salary a year for eight years as a starting point to be able to afford to pay some of her tuition bills.

A poll says a majority of people feel that Brian Williams should return to his job at NBC. Which is interesting since a majority of people have not watched NBC since “Cheers” was still on the air.

A conservative group called ForAmerica calls Jeb Bush “unelectable.” So was pretty much every other presidential candidate over the past 30 years but that hasn’t stopped us from picking one of them.

Recommendations from the federal Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee say that eating less meat will be better for the environment. Which is more than a little suspect since their offices have recently been plastered with signs saying “Eat Mor Chiken.”

All nine former DEA chiefs are slamming Colorado’s legalization of marijuana. Mostly because busting a few potheads is the only thing the DEA has been able to do to keep busy since it was started in 1973.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A late farewell to one of the true greats of comedy and broadcasting, two of my interests, the late great Gary Owens. I remember Owens on L.A. radio when I was a kid. He then branched out to become the announcer on the classic comedy show “Laugh-In” and did countless cartoon voice overs from “Roger Ramjet” to “Space Ghost.” Sorry to see another great one pass on. For more information on his life, you can always look it up in your Funk & Wagnalls. While you are doing that, make sure to remember to always send the love!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Several new books written by Dr. Suess have been found and will soon be published. Which is great news for George W. Bush who says he just finished the first series.

Several new books written by Dr. Suess have been found and will soon be published. His widow found them in a box. She found them packed in with some socks. She tried to read them to a fox.

The Census Bureau says that 30% of Millennials still live with their parents. The other 70% live in homes that don’t have a basement.

The Census Bureau says that 30% of Millennials still live with their parents. Those are the ones who can’t get a job other than doing surveys every ten years for the Census.

The leader of Hong Kong told people in the wake of protests to be more “like sheep.” To which the 7 Million people living on its 400 square miles are asking “What are sheep?”

A report says that elective egg freezing is on the rise. It’s a combination of women who want to have children later in life and having children who are already pre-cooled and ready to adjust to global warming.

Jeb Bush says that “mistakes were made” on his brother’s watch in Iraq. And on his brother’s watch with the economy. And Katrina. And with Abu Ghraib. And with “No Child Left Behind. And with the deficit...

A water main break flooded the Hollywood Hills in California with 100,000 gallons of water. Residents panicked and started getting ill. They had heard about but had never actually been exposed before to tap water.

Russia’s top spy is in Washington, D.C. for a summit on extremism. In other words, he is going to sit in the gallery and watch both sides debate some legislation in Congress.

A report says that U.S. healthcare spending is on the rise again. Which is being blamed on Obamacare because now that everyone can finally afford to see a doctor they know they can raise prices as much as they want.

A report says that U.S. healthcare spending is on the rise again. Apparently the medical profession raised their fees as soon as they say Americans had a few extra dollars in their pockets from lower gasoline prices.

A report says that multivehicle crashes are on the rise. Apparently the problem started when people found out about group texting and could send messages to everyone else they were driving next to on the freeway.

The Wisconsin mayor who was bitten on the ear on Groundhog Day by Jimmy the Groundhog lost in a primary race. The worst part is that Jimmy didn’t really bite him, he just whispered in his ear that he had six weeks left in his job.

The Wisconsin mayor who was bitten on the ear on Groundhog Day by Jimmy the Groundhog lost in a primary race. He said he knew something was wrong when he walked outside on election day and didn’t see his shadow.

The Pentagon says the U.S. has screened 1,200 moderate Syrian rebels for combat training. Military experts were surprised. There are moderate rebels in the Middle East?

A Krispy Kreme store in the UK has dropped its plan to have a promotion called “KKK Wednesday.” Apparently the misunderstanding started when someone heard “KKK” would go over well in Birmingham but they were talking about the one in Alabama.

Uber says it is set to launch a carpool service in Los Angeles. There is already a term for vehicles in L.A. that have more than one person inside. A bus.

Uber says it is set to launch a carpool service in Los Angeles. The only previous time you would ever see more than one person in the same vehicle in L.A. is when one of them was riding in the back seat of a limo in a pine box.

Uber says it is set to launch a carpool service in Los Angeles. If that doesn’t work they will try a business that has more of a chance of success in southern California. Selling snow shovels.

A survey says that Americans are less satisfied when they go shopping. Mostly because they miss the days where they could actually come out of the store carrying something they were able to afford to buy.

New York is suing UPS for shipping untaxed cigarettes. Remember the days when you could still send someone cigarettes and it was shipping marijuana that would get you in trouble?

An Arizona man bought a watch for $6 that he was able to resell for $35,000. Apparently he got the idea from the business model for the new Apple iWatch.

A report says that bodybuilders are using human breast milk to help bulk up. Which sheds some light on why Arnold Schwarzenegger is such a boob.

A study says that exercise may not just alleviate depression but prevent it. Which is even more depressing for people who were hoping they could stay on the couch and take care of it with their meds.

A Connecticut dentist has been charged after a patient died after a dental extraction and implant procedure. The dentist was initially uncooperative. Police say getting him to talk was like pulling teeth.

A Connecticut dentist has been charged after a patient died while he was pulling 20 teeth for dental implants. Or as dentists in Alabama call working on 20 teeth, a pretty good career.

A study says that highly processed foods are tied to addictive eating. Which could be solved if they wouldn’t make all of it taste so good.

A study has revealed why smoking pot causes the munchies. Although the answer still isn’t clear since the report is too hard to read through all the cheese and pepperoni stains.

A report says the Disneyland measles outbreak may have originated in the Philippines. Which means it really is a small world after all.

A study says that half of all Americans are at risk to carcinogen exposure from drinking soda. The other half have nothing to worry about since their morbid obesity from all the sugar in the sodas will kill them long before they can develop cancer.

Selena Gomez talked about her bouts with anxiety in a recent magazine interview. For one thing, after dating Justin Bieber she still gets extremely nervous every time she sees a carton of eggs.

The premier date of the 10th season of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” has been announced by E!. It will follow up the wedding of Kim Kardashian with Bruce Jenner telling her that she isn’t losing a stepfather, but will instead be gaining a stepmother.

The premier date of the 10th season of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” has been announced by E!. Which will no doubt be listed by future historians as one of the top reasons for the decline and fall of America.

George and Amal Clooney are reportedly building a panic room in their mansion. Apparently it is being installed in preparation for the day when George finally falls out of the top ten list of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

A court has delayed a hearing on a dispute over Lindsay Lohan’s community service hours. The case goes back to a 2012 reckless driving charge where she was given 240 hours of community service. Apparently her plan is to work it off with an hour a year through 2252.

A court has delayed a hearing on a dispute over Lindsay Lohan’s community service hours. The case goes back to a 2012 reckless driving charge where she was given 240 hours of community service. Looking back, she says she should have just taken the usual celebrity jail time of 45 minutes.

Rapper Afroman has been arrested for punching a fan who ran onto the stage. Where was this guy when Taylor Swift and Beck were rushed by Kanye West?

Vanilla Ice has been arrested for burglary and grand theft of an abandoned home while he was renovating the house next door. It was the biggest robbery he was associated with since people handed over $8 to see his movie “Cool As Ice.”

Billy Joel’s daughter Alexa Ray Joel was given modeling advice from her mother Christie Brinkley. Her mom told her to just do anything she could to keep from looking like her dad.

Billy Joel’s daughter Alexa Ray Joel was given modeling advice from her mother Christie Brinkley. Let’s just hope she doesn’t get any advice on how to drive from her father.

The 2022 World Cup in Qatar will take place in November and December. Apparently those are the two months of the year when the night time temperature actually stays in double digits.

The 2022 World Cup in Qatar will take place in November and December. By then global warming will be so bad that the Gatorade will be served in fire extinguishers for when the players experience spontaneous combustion.

A report says that climate change could lead to new disease outbreaks around the world. They will know it’s bad when Eskimos start coming down with cases of malaria.

A report says that climate change could lead to new disease outbreaks around the world. It’s already started with the spread of measles from Frontierland to Tomorrowland all the way to Main Street, U.S.A.

A report says that grizzly bears are waking up ahead of schedule in Yellowstone. In fact there have already been several calls about missing pick-a-nick baskets.

A study says that penguins eat fish but can’t taste them. Which is exactly the same claim from people who have eaten at the Red Lobster.

A study says that penguins eat fish but can’t taste them. Which is why their wives just completely quit doing any more work in the kitchen.

Vint Cerf, the “Father of the Internet” says this century’s history could be lost because the programs needed to view them will become obsolete. Which means it’s just a good thing we decided not to record the 1970s on Betamax.

Vint Cerf, the “Father of the Internet” says this century’s history could be lost because the programs needed to view them will become obsolete. Unless they can figure out how to get online and access Youtube.

Vint Cerf, the “Father of the Internet” says this century’s history could be lost because the programs needed to view them will become obsolete. Which might be a good thing because if future civilizations get a look at online porn, clips of “The Kardashians” and what we stored on Facebook, they will pretty much already know why we didn’t survive.

Graphics editing program Photoshop is celebrating its 25th anniversary. Which is being given complete credit for extending Madonna’s career 25 years.

Graphics editing program Photoshop is celebrating its 25th anniversary. It is the one device that can do what no camera lens was able to accomplish. Fit Kim Kardashian’s entire backside into one picture.

D.J. Patil has been appointed as the nation’s first Chief Data Scientist. Apparently the White House realizes they should have hired him to put together the Obamacare website instead of just paying for an online template through GoDaddy.com.

D.J. Patil has been appointed as the nation’s first Chief Data Scientist. It’s not known what his policy ideas are yet but apparently he can really scratch the deck during a dubstep mix.

D.J. Patil has been appointed as the nation’s first Chief Data Scientist. Apparently he wasn’t the first choice but Deadmau5 was already booked through the rest of the year.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! An arctic blast continues to grip the eastern U.S. To which all my friends in California are saying “Ha!” I get my revenge. When it is this cold I just stay inside and inflict even more jokes on everyone. Ha! Although the way I can always stay warm is when you all take the time to remember to send the love!