Friday, November 21, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Obama Administration admits it inflated Obamacare signups with 380,000 people who just subscribed to the dental plan. The numbers could have been even higher except for some reason there were no dental plan enrollees from Alabama or Georgia.

The Senate claims the CIA wants to destroy thousands of e-mails pertaining to their spying activities. The disturbing part is that the agency that is responsible for protecting us by being at the forefront of technology can’t even delete some e-mails without being caught.

A company has developed a machine that reportedly can scan a person’s DNA in 90 minutes. It is so accurate that within an hour and a half it can tell if someone has been out with Bill Clinton.

Legendary Hollywood filmmaker Mike Nichols, who directed “The Graduate” has died at age 83. If “The Graduate” were remade in a contemporary setting the film would be about a man living in his parents’ basement trying to figure out how to pay off all his tuition loans.

Legendary Hollywood filmmaker Mike Nichols, who directed “The Graduate” has died at age 83. If “The Graduate” were remade today they would use typecasting to give the role of Mrs. Robinson to Demi Moore.

Scientists say that using a hand dryer “splatters” the user with bacteria. Pretty much like making out with Paris Hilton.

Casino firm Wynn Resorts is reportedly being investigated for money laundering.  casino representative says they are setting the odds at 3 to 1 there won’t be any convictions.

Casino firm Wynn Resorts is reportedly being investigated for money laundering. What’s next, looking into hospitals for overcharging patients for Band-Aids?

A report says that Prince Charles plans to speak out on issues that matter to him when he becomes king. Although it isn’t sure how seriously anyone will take a man whose mom made him wait until he was past 60 to take over the family business.

A report says that Prince Charles plans to speak out on issues that matter to him when he becomes king.Which is good news for everyone else who believes it’s time for reform when it comes to necessary rules changes for polo.

A report says that America is one of the least happy countries. Apparently the study was done with Democrats right after the midterm elections.

A report says that America is one of the least happy countries. Mostly because the most frequent response to researchers’ questions on the survey was “What are you looking at?”

The Secret Service arrested a man outside the gates of the White House who reportedly had a gun in his car. Apparently he was on his way back out of the White House to get it after taking a nap in the Lincoln Bedroom.

The Secret Service arrested a man outside the gates of the White House who reportedly had a gun in his car. The man is thought to be mentally disturbed because he claimed to be Joe Biden and it turned out to be true.

A Massachusetts fifth grader was suspended for making a finger gun and pointing it at other children. Students should know by now that when it comes to showing digits at school, it is only OK to flash the middle finger.

A Massachusetts fifth grader was suspended for making a finger gun and pointing it at other children. The student says he only did it because the school made him leave his AK-47 in his locker during recess.

Pope Francis I says that people should feed the hungry and save life on the planet. Which means just don’t feed them at McDonald’s, Burger King or Taco Bell.

A 100 year old Tennessee woman saw the ocean for the first time. Actually, they just took her down the road to Old Hickory Lake and figured she would never know the difference.

A 100 year old Tennessee woman saw the ocean for the first time. Now that she has achieved that goal, next on the list will be opening a book.

A 100 year old Tennessee woman saw the ocean for the first time. That’s no big deal. What would really be amazing is when a Tennessee native lives long enough to see a dentist.

Tennessee lawmakers and the Governor are reportedly close to repealing using Common Core in schools. Which means the math curriculum will go back to the more traditional Tennessee standard of “learnin’ them kids how to cipher.”

Comcast is testing an app that tells customers when technicians are within 30 minutes of their home. That gives the customer the opportunity to drive around in a 30 minute radius and see if they can actually find them.

AT&T will settle allegations over illegally dumped electronic waste in California. Which was a result of AT&T customers throwing their iPhones into the trash after they couldn’t complete any calls or get an online connection.

CBS News has reassigned Chairman Jeff Fager. The head of CBS news is called the chairman because their audience is pretty much confined to viewers who are too old to get out of their chair.

CBS News has reassigned Chairman Jeff Fager. It was not considered a demotion because at least he wasn’t sent over to CNN.

Singapore Airlines has charged a flier who fell asleep on a flight $1,200 for Wi-Fi service on the plane. Although most travelers say it would be worth the cost if it were to be able to look at anything else other than the inflight movie featuring Adam Sandler.

The Federal Reserve has launched a review of how it oversees major banks. Financial experts were surprised at the news. The Federal Reserve oversees what banks are doing?

BMW’s i3 has been awarded the Green Car of the Year at the L.A. Auto Show. Although to be really considered a “green” car in L.A. it must not only run on electricity but also have hemp seats and come with a factory installed herbal tea brewer in the console.

BMW’s i3 has been awarded the Green Car of the Year at the L.A. Auto Show. In L.A. to qualify a car as being “green” all you need to do is turn the engine off any time you are stuck in gridlock on the 405.

An analysis says the cost of Thanksgiving dinner has gone up a bit to $49.41 for ten people. Although that doesn’t include the cost of three more years of therapy that comes from sitting down with the whole family for an entire evening.

A survey says that fewer Americans will go shopping on Thanksgiving Day. Mostly because they have already taken advantages of all the sales and bought all their presents right after Halloween.

A study says that chemicals in antibacterial soap caused tumors in mice. Which is sad because the only reason the mice were using the soap was to cut back on germs and try to be a little healthier.

A study says that chemicals in antibacterial soap caused tumors in mice. Which is no big deal because they were washing their hands before getting some dinner which was cheese in a mousetrap that was just going to snap their necks anyway.

A poll says that Americans’ ratings of healthcare have remained generally steady. In other words, it is still unaffordable, unreliable and unattainable.

A poll says that a majority of Americans believe it’s not the government’s job to provide health care for all. Apparently it also isn’t the job of the insurance companies, hospitals or doctors.

A poll says that a majority of Americans believe it’s not the government’s job to provide health care for all. Which Congress is bending to the will of the people by trying to make sure health care isn’t available to anyone.

A study says that 87% of adults in the U.S. who are 65 or older suffer from at least one chronic illness. Mostly old age.

A study says that 87% of adults in the U.S. who are 65 or older suffer from at least one chronic illness. Which means elderly people who are using medicinal marijuana are fighting chronic with chronic.

A report says that 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. dealt with a mental illness in 2013. Mostly the ones they put in office with the election of 2012.

A report says that 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. dealt with a mental illness in 2013. No one had any idea that many people were still watching “The Kardashians.”

A report says that 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. dealt with a mental illness in 2013. The other 4 didn’t need to go to the DMV to renew their driver’s licenses for at least another year.

A study says that rushing to put on a condom can cause problems with leaks. Although the results of trying to save a few seconds might not be fully realized for another nine months.

A study says that people whose age ends in “9” are more likely to make big changes in their lives. Like the 9 year olds who decide to go ahead and kiss a girl even though it might mean being infected with Cooties.

A study says that people whose age ends in “9” are more likely to make big changes in their lives. Especially the 19 year old college students who decide to go ahead and take out those college loans they will be paying off until they are 89.

A study says that people who have experienced weight discrimination and believe it is widespread are more likely to give up on regular exercise. Which makes about as much sense as an elderly man who has experience age discrimination hiking his pants up a little higher.

A study says that women who go off the Pill may find their partner less attractive. Don’t we already have a substance that makes women pick less attractive men? It’s called alcohol.

A study says that women who go off the Pill may find their partner less attractive. Mostly because they like going out with Donald Trump and letting him pick up the tab until they realize there is a chance they could have a baby with that haircut.

A report says half the world’s adults could be overweight by 2030. Which means they will have finally caught up with the other half who are already there.

A study says that injecting beads of gel into the walls of a heart may fight heart failure. Which is ironic, especially in the cases where the heart failure was caused by the injecting beads of gel into the donuts they were eating.

A report says that Africa is nearing the eradication of polio. The only problem is that no one is catching polio anymore because they have all died from Ebola.

A report says that obesity is costing the world $2 Trillion a year. Which coincidentally is exactly the same amount of money that was spent on Chicken McNuggets.

A study says that exercise may not help type 2 diabetics control their blood sugar. Especially when the exercise involves pacing back and forth at the counter waiting for your order of Dunkin’ Donuts to be ready.

The CDC says that 1 in 3 adults drink excessively but are not alcoholics. Which proves the theory that the first stage of alcoholism is denial.

The FDA has approved a hard to abuse hydrocodone painkiller. The tablets are designed to thwart abuse by chewing, crushing or snorting the pills. Hopefully drug addicts won’t ever figure out some way of maybe just swallowing them.

The 6-4 Seattle Seahawks say that they don’t have a “Super Bowl hangover.” If there is such a thing, it means the Raiders can be proud to claim they have been completely sober since 1984.

The Buffalo Bills’ game against the New York Jets has been moved to Detroit on Monday because of all the snow in western New York. To which the fans are saying it would be crazy to play a game in such dangerous conditions. Which is why they want the game moved back to Buffalo.

The NSA Chief says that China could cripple the U.S. power grid and financial networks with a cyber attack. Or they could just wait a few weeks and let the inevitable happen by itself.

That’s it for now. Oh Faithful Readers! I ignored the obvious joke today, having to do with the Raiders actually winning last night. Mostly because jokes need to be based at least in part on truth and no one would have suspended their disbelief for that one. Beating Kansas City no less! And not just the cheerleaders this time. Well, I guess miracles do happen around Thanksgiving time. And even after Thanksgiving when you find you can still fit into that Members Only jacket you have had hanging in the closet since 1976. Don’t worry. It will come back into style. Just like these jokes never go out of style, since they are all pretty much left over from 1976. Hope you all have a good weekend and before you get ready to go and fight the crowds for your pre-Black Friday shopping spree, remember to take some time to send the love!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Nestle is working on an “exercise in a bottle” that helps burn fat like exercise. People say they would use such a product, although they aren’t keen about the idea of having to actually get up from the couch and over to the refrigerator to get one of the bottles.

A report says that cars of the future will be able to read minds that can anticipate drivers’ next moves. Which means that the person sitting in the driver’s seat will actually get to become a back seat driver.

A report says that cars of the future will be able to read minds that can anticipate drivers’ next moves. Which means the cars will automatically be pulling in at every available Starbucks and turning in to the drive-thru at each McDonald’s.

Burglars in Chicago crashed a car into a mall, stealing $120,000 in merchandise from a Louis Vuitton store. Which means they got away with as many as three handbags and a pair of shoes.

China says that controlling the Internet preserves stability. Mostly because it’s no fun for hackers who get bored trying to break into the same five sites.

China says that controlling the Internet preserves stability. For one thing, the divorce rate is way down without men having the chance to be caught by their wives while they are looking at porn sites.

France has given lawmakers new powers that could allow them to impeach their president. To which Republicans are saying they had no idea that Francois Hollande had been caught getting oral sex.

A report says that hackers can now even steal data from computers that aren’t online. Which means even Internet customers of AT&T are no longer safe.

A report says the ultra rich are holding up to 25% of their net worth in cash. Mostly because they are so wealthy they finally just ran out of stuff to buy.

A report says the ultra rich are holding up to 25% of their net worth in cash. Mostly the Wall Street executives who want to have enough money around to pay for bail in case they are ever actually caught.

A study says that banking culture that puts financial gain above all else breeds dishonesty. Apparently the study is called “The American Economy.”

A study says that banking culture that puts financial gain above all else breeds dishonesty. The study was conducted by researchers at the University of No Kidding.

A study says that banking culture that puts financial gain above all else breeds dishonesty. Which is not a big concern for most Americans who haven’t actually had any need to use a bank since 2007.

The U.N. says the world is not close to avoiding dangerous warming. But that is understandable as we also aren’t close to peace, economic stability, hunger, corruption, unemployment, pollution...

A new “normal” Barbie is being marketed that comes with average proportions, acne and cellulite. Plus there is a special Alabama Barbie who comes with Meth mouth and tattoos along with a Ken doll wearing a wife beater and holding a Confederate flag.

A new “normal” Barbie is being marketed that comes with average proportions, acne and cellulite. Not only that, she lives in a Dream House that comes with its own “Foreclosed” sign in front.

A province near Beijing is aiming to move its polluting factories overseas. Which means we have finally devised a plan to get all the jobs we sent over there back into the U.S.

The Justice Department collected $25 Billion in fines and penalties. Which was a real bargain for the Wall Street banks that paid the money in return for stealing about a trillion dollars from Americans while destroying the global economy.

A British hotel tried to charge a couple $100 for writing a negative review online. Or as Super 8 Motels calls that practice, the company’s profit margin.

The Secret Service says it is renewing its emphasis on training and hiring. For one thing, they could start by hiring people who can be trained to remember to lock the front door of the White House.

Buffalo, New York has been buried under more than five feet of snow from a series of storms. It is almost as white as the rest of America under the proposed Republican immigration policy.

A BYU student has been arrested for hacking into the computer system and changing his F grades to As. What’s worse is that by getting caught he also got an F in his computer programming class.

A BYU-Idaho student has been arrested for hacking into the computer system and changing his F grades to A’s. School officials became suspicious when it was discovered for the first time a student from BYU-Idaho actually had some A grades.

President Obama is making a pitch to expand high speed Internet into schools. That will give them the chance to look at their Facebook page and e-mails for the few minutes they are in class and can’t use their smartphones or tablets.

A collection of more than 200,000 movie posters is going up for auction. The trick is to find the seven posters that come from movies that did not feature Kevin Bacon.

Folger’s Coffee says that its recent price increase was a “misstep.” Who do they think they are, Starbucks?

Nielsen says it will start to measure viewership on streaming services like Netflix. The only problem is that it will finally reveal that no matter what people say they are watching online, 95% of what they are checking out is porn.

The first McDonald’s in Moscow has reopened after a 90 day shutdown because of health violations. Which shows they are just like Americans. After only a few days without his Big Mac fix Vladimir Putin invaded the Ukraine and Crimea and is already trying to start up the Cold War again with the U.S.

GM says it is trying to figure the root cause of the Takata airbag problems. Although there wouldn’t be a problem if the airbags didn’t need to be deployed from so many people running their cars into trees because they are texting while driving.

An economist says the U.S. is still in the early stages of economic recovery. Which is a nice way of saying we are really just stuck in the late stages of the depression.

The Obama Administration says it is open to limits on the duration of its military operations in Iraq and Syria. Apparently that means this time we will just stay there until we run out of soldiers or money, whichever comes first.

A “dating guru” based in L.A. has been banned from the UK. Mostly because he claims one of his most successful clients is Bill Cosby.

JetBlue will start to charge for checked bags on some of its lowest fares. Although most JetBlue passengers like to take only carry on luggage so they can have access to changes of clothes while their flight is sitting on the tarmac for three days.

A study says that alcohol damages white matter in the brain which can disrupt a person’s judgment and reasoning abilities. Which is apparently already pretty much impaired by the fact the person is drunk in the first place.

A study says that mental and emotional stress might have a more serious effect on women’s hearts than men. Which is mainly because most of the mental and emotional stress in a relationship is caused by the men.

A study says that 80 Million bacteria are transferred in a single kiss, mostly to the shorter person. Which is because the women are usually the shorter of the two and they are kissing a man who has probably not brushed his teeth or flossed in three weeks.

A study says that 80 Million bacteria are transferred in a single kiss, mostly to the shorter person. If you are getting 80 Million bacteria from your partner’s saliva, the biggest threat isn’t illness as much as drowning.

A study says that cocaine damage to the heart is often undetected. Especially when they are such a heavy user that they can stay up another three straight days before they realize they have already died.

A report says that half the Liberian work force is out of of a job since the Ebola crisis started. In other words, things are pretty much back to normal.

A report says that half the Liberian work force is out of of a job since the Ebola crisis started. President George W. Bush says he knows how they feel since his wife is a liberian and she hasn’t worked in a liberry in years.

A report says that half the Liberian work force is out of of a job since the Ebola crisis started. In that country, when the boss gets a sick call it usually also means he has to post a job opening.

NASA says that living in zero gravity affects men and women differently. Especially men who don’t have to listen to the women curse the effects of what gravity has done to them.

A study says that men find high heels sexier. Until they keep staring at a pair long enough for their wife to hit them in the head with her flats.

A study says that men find high heels sexier. Especially when they are worn by a woman.

A study says that men find high heels sexier. Although it has to be remembered the research was compiled by people who think lab coats and glasses are attractive.

A study says the sudden stress of police work can cause an increased risk of heart attacks. Which evens up the score because the same feeling comes for everyone else when they see the red lights in their rear view mirror.

Forbes has ranked Beyonce as the top earning woman in music, taking in $115 Million in 2014. Although she still hasn’t produced a music video that has gotten as many views as the security camera shots of Jay-Z getting beat up by Solange in an elevator.

Meredith Vieira says she prefers to go commando. Which was discovered when the answer to most contestants on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” with what they would do with their money was to “buy Meredith some underwear.”

Chris Hemsworth has been picked as People’s Sexiest Man Alive. In a related story, for the tenth straight year Larry King has been chosen as the Sexiest Man Not Alive.

Firefox has dropped Google as its default search engine and has replaced it with Yahoo. The worst part is that people are using Yahoo to search for Google.

Dictionary.com has picked their word of the year as “exposure.” Apparently they haven’t been watching “The Kardashians” or the word of the year would have been “overexposure.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Speaking of overexposure, this site is still the victim of serious underexposure. My goal of 7 Million daily readers is still around 6.9999999....Billion below projections. Feel free to tell your friends or better yet start a chain letter that tells people to read the jokes or suffer serious consequences. Like being made to read the jokes. I always appreciate you taking the time to check them out, and the only thing I like even more is when you also remember to send the love!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Greetings, Oh faithful Readers!

St. Louis University in Missouri has been giving students tips on how to protest if there is more unrest in Ferguson. Apparently they need the help because when it comes to making protest signs, they have never actually been taught how to write by hand.

Students and parents at a high school in Arkansas have complained about a teacher who brings her baby to school and breastfeeds it in the classroom. Apparently the teacher just wants the baby to be close to its father who is in her second period math class.

Berkeley, California will vote on putting climate change labels on gas pumps in the city. People were surprised. There is someone in Berkeley who owns a car that runs on gas?

A restaurant owner in L.A. has pleaded guilty to serving whale meat. Although he claims he just used the blubber as a fat to fry up the dolphin, Bengal tiger and rhinoceros specials he was offering.

A restaurant owner in L.A. has pleaded guilty to serving whale meat. He says he bought it from a fisherman who hooked it off the Redondo Beach coast and told him it was just a well fed tuna.

A Swedish woman has been fitted with a microchip implant that opens the office door at work. Although if she wants to get inside the doors of the top management at work she got the wrong kind of implant.

A Swedish woman has been fitted with a microchip implant that opens the office door at work. The bad part is that she will have to go back into surgery if her company ever decides to change the locks.

Indonesia is being criticized for testing women police recruits to see if they are virgins. If they are, they are immediately put on duty as meter maidens.

A study says that the U.S. world ranking for personal freedom has dropped to 21st place. While the study hasn’t been officially released yet, the information was just put out from the parts that have been hacked and intercepted by the NSA.

A survey ranks Germany as the world’s favorite country. In fact, a sign at the country’s borders now proclaims “No Attempts At Global Takeovers in 70 Years.”

A study says that slumping over a cellphone to text or check e-mails can add 60 pounds of pressure on a person’s neck. Not to mention the pressure on their neck from the hands of their wife when she sees who her husband is texting with.

Charles Manson and his fiancee have gotten a marriage license. And you thought it was scary the first time you were asked to come over and meet your future spouse’s “Family.”

Charles Manson and his fiancee have gotten a marriage license. It will be nice that his vows of “‘til death do you part” will be the exact length of time as his prison sentence.

Charles Manson and his fiancee have gotten a marriage license. How bad will it be for his fiancee’s old boyfriends who have live with the fact they just didn’t measure up to Charles Manson?

A proposed Italian law that would make it easier for businesses to get rid of employees has sparked protests before even being passed. It will become much more of an issues just as soon as any Italians actually are able to find any work.

A task force has recommended changes to the Ohio State marching band due to an “undercurrent of inappropriate behavior.” For one thing, band members complain they are the only students in the country who are still required to know how to write in cursive.

The late Bob Marley is set to be the face of the first global marijuana label. Marley was picked as the top choice after the company eliminated the other candidates which included the Pillsbury Doughboy, the Keebler Elves and the M&M spokescandies.

The late Bob Marley is set to be the face of the first global marijuana label. His official title will be “smokesperson.”

The late Bob Marley is set to be the face of the first global marijuana label. Even when he was alive he was called “the late Bob Marley” because he was so stoned it would take him three hours to find where he was going.

A study says that barely 1 in 5 homes in L.A. can be afforded by the middle class. Mostly because the middle class people don’t have any money left after they buy the necessary L.A. status symbols of a BMW, Laker season tickets and Botox lips.

A study says that barely 1 in 5 homes in L.A. can be afforded by the middle class. Mostly because it takes a half million dollars just to get into a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

A study says that barely 1 in 5 homes in L.A. can be afforded by the middle class. The other four apparently can’t be afforded by anyone because they are still going through foreclosure.

Chicago radio station WGN was knocked off the air when some water pipes in the building burst. Which shows that the old saying is still true, that to keep a radio station on the air you need to have a great set of pipes.

The chief of quality at Takata will face a Senate panel over the recall of several of their vehicle airbags. And who would know better about how to get to the bottom of the issue than the biggest set of windbags on the planet?

The chief of quality at Takata will face a Senate panel over the recall of several of their vehicle airbags. Auto industry experts were surprised. Takata has a quality department?

Federal prosecutors say that bullying, lying debt collectors are becoming an epidemic. Who do these people think they are, the IRS?

Federal prosecutors say that bullying, lying debt collectors are becoming an epidemic. And who would know about angry lenders more than the people who represent a country that has racked up $17 Trillion in bad debt?

A study says that 66% of Millennial men expect their partners to raise their children. The other 34% don’t have to worry about having kids since they live at home, have no job and have years of college loans to pay before they can even think about landing a date.

A study says that 66% of Millennial men expect their partners to raise their children. Or as other generations call that, being men.

2014 Bar Exam scores saw some of the lowest totals in ten years. The good news is that law schools won’t face any legal action from the students because they barely know how to file the paperwork for small claims court.

A study says that by 2040, fewer than half of all families will have two cars. What’s worse is that the one they do have will officially be considered their place of residence.

A study says that by 2040, fewer than half of all families will have two cars. And those will just be the ones who are still buying from GM and need a spare for when their main car is in the shop for the latest recall.

A dispute could cause CBS to go dark on the Dish Network. Which makes no difference as the people who still watch CBS are old enough to still have a set of rabbit ears on top of their TV.

A new app shows users what 200 calories of different types of food looks like. Which usually amounts to the portion of the doughnut the user has already eaten while looking at the app.

A baby with eight limbs was born in India. The child has already been scouted by Nike. Not for an athletic endorsement, but as someone who can sew four pair of shoes at once in one of their sweatshop factories.

The CDC is taking down a website that offers an obesity cost calculator that shows businesses how much it costs them to have overweight employees. Or as most American employers know obese employees as, “employees.”

The CDC is taking down a website that offers an obesity cost calculator that shows businesses how much it costs them to have overweight employees. The worst part is when companies replace “Time is money” as their motto with “You’re costing us, fatty!”

“Vape,” which means smoking e-cigarettes has been picked as the Oxford English Dictionary’s Word of the Year. Mostly because it is the only word in young people’s lexicon that hasn’t been shortened to an abbreviation or acronym by kids for texting.

A study says that cocaine causes heart problems. Mostly when a user realizes they just spent their life savings on their $1,000 a day habit.

A study says that a high fructose diet may contribute to anxiety and depression during adolescence. Which most parents of adolescents are asking how can anyone tell?

A study in England says that using antibiotics during dental procedures can lower the risk of heart infections. The study would have been completed 30 years sooner but it took that long to find any people in England who actually had any dental work done.

The Cleveland Clinic has completed its second face transplant. The first one was done when LeBron James announced he was going to Miami and was afraid of being recognized before he was able to leave town.

A study says that it is good to quit smoking even if it associated with a weight gain. Which is ironic that people gain weight after quitting tobacco, but only after they start smoking marijuana.

A man in India who complained of a buzzing noise in his head was found to have maggots in his ear. And you thought it was bad when you couldn’t get rid of that earworm.

A study says that eating less may help keep people’s minds sharper. Mostly from trying to remember where everyone in the office is hiding their stash of snacks.

A study says that eating too many trans fats may damage a person’s memory. Especially when their roommate starts asking what happened to that bag of Doritos they put in the cabinet.

A study says that working the night shift may slow a person’s metabolism. Which is why public offices close in the afternoon as it would be physically impossible for government workers to move even slower than they do now.

Reality based networks are turning to scripted shows to improve their ratings. Producers would have tried to combine the two, but none of the cast members from “The Kardashians,” “Duck Dynasty” or “Honey Boo Boo” could actually read a script.

“Knight Rider” creator Glen Larson has died at age 77. He was preceded in death by the show’s talking car KITT, who was recalled by GM back in 1986.

Tiger Woods is blasting Gold Digest magazine and writer Dan Jenkins for a parody interview. The magazine says that no reader would have thought the interview was real as the parody actually had Woods answering the questions.

Tiger Woods is blasting Gold Digest magazine and writer Dan Jenkins for a parody interview. Members of the sports media were surprised. Dan Jenkins is still around?

A German company has found a way to make water and CO2 into synthetic petroleum based fuels. Apparently BP is suing for stealing their idea since they did the same thing to the water in the Gulf of Mexico.

The Senate has failed to move forward on a bill to reform the NSA. The bad part is that the results were leaked to the media by the NSA three hours before the vote was even taken.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! President Obama is expected to take executive action on immigration reform any day now. Which is great news for me in that I will no longer have to try to hide the undocumented aliens I have in my basement sweat shop writing all my jokes. Hey, it isn’t easy for me, either. That means I still have to get someone to translate from all those different languages. Which is good in that I have someone to translate any language you use when you remember to send the love!

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that people trust social media less than any other form of communication. To which anyone under 30 says “There are other forms of communication?”

Facebook says it will no longer allow politicians to use the site to reach voters. Apparently they want to limit the social network to what it was originally intended. To let people show complete strangers pictures of every meal they have eaten that day.

Facebook says it will no longer allow politicians to use the site to reach voters. Which really doesn’t matter because most Facebook users aren’t able to pull themselves away from the site even long enough to go to the polls on election day and vote.

A critic of polygraph tests is being accused of teaching people how to lie to the government. Apparently government officials can’t understand why anyone should need to be taught what comes second nature to people in public office.

Federal drug agents launched surprise inspections of NFL teams following games. Although a really serious investigation for drug use probably won’t take place until someone actually loses to the Raiders.

Obamacare adviser Jonathan Gruber is on record as saying that seniors “do a terrible job” of choosing their own public health care plan. That can only be expected from people who aren’t even able to pick a pair of pants that doesn’t come up to their chest.

Researchers are warning of dangers of second hand marijuana smoke. Mostly because the only people who inhale secondhand marijuana smoke are potheads who are already too stoned to be able to roll a joint for themselves.

A new blood test reportedly can detect Alzheimer’s Disease ten years ahead of its onset. Which at least gives people a decade’s head start on picking a place to leave their car keys where they will be able to find them.

A new blood test reportedly can detect Alzheimer’s Disease ten years ahead of its onset. The first clue is when someone gets lost trying to find the clinic where they are having the blood test.

A study says that 36 Million people around the world are living in slavery. People were shocked at the news. No one had any idea there were that many people who were working for 7-Eleven, Wal-Mart and McDonald’s.

An ex-con in Oklahoma was arrested for biting off the ear of a man during a fight in a bowling alley. The good news is he only bit off one ear so it was scored as a spare.

A news anchor in Australia revealed he wore the same suit every day for an entire year with no one noticing. Mostly because they couldn’t take their eyes off the tie with the gravy stain he kept wearing with it.

A news anchor in Australia revealed he wore the same suit every day for an entire year with no one noticing. Which is a bit different than CNN where there are so few people watching that no one would notice if Wolf Blitzer showed up naked for a year.

A federal insurance fund that protects pensions is reportedly running at a deficit of $62 Billion. Labor leaders were shocked. There are still Americans who have pension plans?

A survey says that 74% of parents might pull their kids out of daycares where there are children that haven’t been vaccinated. Not because of the possibility their children might become sick, but because they don’t have jobs anymore where they need someone to watch their kids.

The Church of England has adopted a plan that would allow women to become bishops. Apparently church leaders were bored and wondered if a major change would cause Prince Charles to go Henry VIII on them and cut off Camilla’s head.

A task force in Colorado that is trying to decide what edible pot products should look like has reportedly made no progress. Minutes of the meetings so far show that the discussions have consisted of non-stop giggling and an occasional “Wow, man.”

A task force in Colorado that is trying to decide what edible pot products should look like has reportedly made no progress. The only thing that has been accomplished is the group’s first meeting went through their entire yearly budget for pizza and snacks.

A study says that comparison shopping for mobile banking services is difficult. Mostly because it is tough to get people to use their cellphones for banking when they can’t go more than 30 seconds without looking at their e-mails, Facebook page or Twitter account.

A poll says that most Americans don’t like Obamacare while three quarters of the people who are actually enrolled in the plan are satisfied. Maybe there is something to that Jonathan Gruber’s comments about the stupidity of American voters.

Data says that U.S. airlines are packing in passengers at record rates which has caused an 18.2% increase in complaints. Mostly from the 18.2% of people who fly Southwest and ended up having to buckle in another passenger on their lap.

Facebook is getting set to launch a service aimed at business professionals. It’s for people who want to show pictures of the lunch they were able to put on their expense account.

Reynolds Tobacco is planning on marketing a new cigarette that won’t burn tobacco. Apparently they are a bit late as those already have been a big hit in Washington state and Colorado.

A report says that 1 in 30 American children are homeless. The question people are asking is which one of Kevin Federline’s 30 kids has met that fate.

Auto dealers are forecasting U.S. car sales to reach 16.9 Million in 2015. That doesn’t even include the 14 Million cars that people bought in 2014 that they will soon be getting to drive for the first time after they finally getting out of the shop from all the recalls.

A study in Japan has cast doubt on the idea that aspirin can help prevent a first heart attack. All it can really do is take care of the headache they get after their heart attack from hearing their spouse keep saying “I told you to exercise more and eat better.”

Honda will quietly replace airbags across the nation in the wake of the Takata airbag failures. Apparently they discovered that the problem started when Takata ran out of real airbags and started replacing their kits with whoopie cushions.

A study says that bad credit is linked to a higher risk of heart attacks. Especially when the bad credit comes from people not being able to pay all the bills from their cardiologist.

A poll says that Ebola ranks among Americans’ top three healthcare concerns. The top two and all the others down the list are pretty much Obamacare.

A poll says that Ebola ranks among Americans’ top three healthcare concerns. The top two are Obamacare and drinking from the same glass as Paris Hilton.

A study says that fewer than half of school kids eat vegetables that are put on their lunch tray. Which isn’t all that bad when you consider the other half haven’t showed up at school in the past six weeks.

A study says that fewer than half of school kids eat vegetables that are put on their lunch tray. Mostly because they have never actually known you could eat something that wasn’t macaroni and cheese, a burger or chicken nuggets.

The Red Cross says it is harder to recruit people to help with Ebola than to go to Iraq. Mostly because people know their odds are better because at least there have been a few people who have actually been able to survive getting Ebola.

Data says that sleep problems are different for men and for women. Especially for men who will have to spend all night with one eye open the rest of their lives after they are caught sleeping in the wrong bed.

A study says that mental illness is not the biggest reason youth carry guns. It’s to protect themselves from all the mentally ill adults around them who keep an arsenal of guns around the house.

The U.N. Ebola Mission Chief in Guinea has died of natural causes. Which is another way of saying he caught Ebola.

Researchers say that Viagra and caffeine can be used to save the lives of premature babies. Which is ironic in that most of those babies were born because their fathers wouldn’t have been able to conceive them without some help from caffeine and Viagra.

A study says that people suffering from vital exhaustion, a combination of fatigue, irritability and demoralization have a 36% higher chance of developing heart disease. Which is ironic in that most the people with those symptoms got them from trying to get onto the Obamacare website.

A study says that people suffering from vital exhaustion, a combination of fatigue, irritability and demoralization have a 36% higher chance of developing heart disease. Which is just more bad news for the people who regularly vote in elections.

A study says that 40% of calls to U.S. poison centers over energy drinks involve children under 6. Mostly kids who are desperately trying to stay awake after their parents stuck them in front of the TV set and the only available channel was PBS.

A study says that many teens suffer cyber dating abuse. Mostly girls who have to deal with fat, lazy teenage boys who sit on the couch all day playing video games and can’t understand why they can’t get a date.

A study says that many teens suffer cyber dating abuse. How lazy have our kids gotten than they have to go online instead of being there in person to annoy the person they have a crush on?

A study says that only a few schools offered healthy food options before nutritional standards were mandated by the government. Now that healthy meals are offered, children have learned how to get by without eating until school lets out and they can get a ride to the nearest McDonald’s.

A study says that working the night shift is linked to weight gain. Especially for people who see it as an opportunity to switch their schedule around so that they are eating dinner three times a day.

A study says that working the night shift is linked to weight gain. Especially when the job is working the night shift at Papa John’s, McDonald’s or KFC.

A study says that 80 Million bacteria are exchanged in one kiss. Even more when the kiss involves the boss’s backside.

A study says that 80 Million bacteria are exchanged in one kiss. The good news is if the kiss is with Paris Hilton, about 40 Million of those bacteria can be treated with penicillin.

A study says smartphone apps to help with losing weight may not work for some people. Especially the ones whose other apps are all for fast food restaurants, bars and ice cream shops.

A study says smartphone apps to help with losing weight may not work for some people. Mostly the ones who never put their cellphones down long enough to actually get in any physical activity.

A study says that obesity is tied to pollutants. Especially when the pollutants involved are pretty much all from barbecue smoke.

U2 frontman Bono reportedly hurt his arm in a bicycle accident in Central Park. Apparently he was injured when he was hit by some kind of jet door that fell off a plane somewhere.

Jose Canseco says he is going to put the gun and his middle finger he shot it off with it  for sale on eBay. What’s even worse is that the finger will be delivered in a cup of Wendy’s chili.

Jose Canseco says he is going to put the gun and his middle finger he shot it off with it  for sale on eBay. Canseco is lucky this happened after he left baseball because it turns out that was his hypodermic needle injecting finger he shot off.

Jose Canseco says he is going to put the gun and his middle finger he shot it off with it  for sale on eBay. Once again, Canseco makes money by giving someone his middle finger.

A study says that most men think they can fix a computer even when they can’t. Of course, most computers wouldn’t need fixing if it weren’t for all the viruses men download when they get into all their porn sites.

A study says that most men think they can fix a computer even when they can’t. Mostly because there is no way they will ever admit to being able to be beaten at anything by Bill Gates.

A poll says that most motorists think that self driving cars are dangerous. Mostly because no one knows how to navigate around vehicles that are actually staying in their lane while driving the speed limit.

A poll says that most motorists think that self driving cars are dangerous. Mostly because people are concerned if all the other cars on the road don’t have anyone behind the wheel, who will they be able to text to while they are out driving?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Much of the nation is engulfed by a cold snap. Which is more proof there is no global warming. Or, which is more proof there is global warming depending on whom you listen to. I prefer to blame it on the fact that it is November and most the nation is not Florida. Which is a good thing because our elections are bad enough without being Florida. However, the one thing that is always guaranteed to warm me up is when you all remember to send the love!

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The LAPD is using technology to determine where and when crimes are most likely to occur. Which means they can relax each year the Lakers don’t make it to the NBA Finals.

The LAPD is using technology to determine where and when crimes are most likely to occur. Or they can just pretty much sit outside any 7-Eleven on a Saturday night and wait for the inevitable.

The LAPD is using technology to determine where and when crimes are most likely to occur. Which is interesting in a city that doesn’t consider it a crime to try to get $500,000 for a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

A Colombian archbishop is turning to exorcism to combat an increase in suicides. Although when parishioners are starting to kill themselves, a good idea might be first looking at shortening the length of the Sunday sermons.

Pope Francis I says that “Heaven is a party.” Which is interesting in that the only people who are invited are the ones who lived their lives condemning everything that goes on at a really good party.

Pope Francis I says that “Heaven is a party.” Although most people would swear they went the other direction when they have to spend the rest of eternity at a party that consists of nothing more daring than Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

A poll says that 32% think Americans are too stupid to understand Obamacare. The other 68% are still trying to get all the way through the Obamacare website.

A poll says that 32% think Americans are too stupid to understand Obamacare. Which according to the Obama Administration shows it is a success because that is exactly how it was intended to be written in the first place.

A poll says that 40% of women, 28% of men and 39% of young people are out of the work force and aren’t even looking for a job. Mostly because it’s hard to find one until the people who are in the work force want to give up one of the four jobs they need to make ends meet.

A report says water usage at the L.A. Mayoral Mansion is five times higher than that at the average L.A. household. Mostly because the mayor and his family are the only ones in the entire city who drink from the tap and don’t get their water supply delivered by a Perrier truck.

Arizona State University has installed a prescription drug vending machine on campus. Which means on a college campus it pretty much only stocks birth control, acne medication and pills for ADHD.

Arizona State University has installed a prescription drug vending machine on campus. Now, what could possibly go wrong with an idea like that?

New software claims to make music playlists bases on the listener’s mood. Which means if they are suicidal it plays Justin Bieber tunes to give them a reason to go through with it.

New software claims to make music playlists bases on the listener’s mood. Apparently that means the more drunk and depressed you get, the more Irish folk tunes are likely to be played.

A report says that the seniors’ obesity counseling benefit offered through Medicare is largely unused. Mostly because overweight seniors know it’s easier to just wait and let Medicare eventually help them with their diabetes medication and heart bypass surgery.

The Army’s top general made a surprise visit to Iraq. Although at this point the Iraqis are only surprised when American soldiers actually leave the country.

Brazil has sentenced three people to more than 20 years in prison for cannibalism. Which is going to be pretty stressful for any of their cellmates when they ask them if they feel like having a bite.

Brazil has sentenced three people to more than 20 years in prison for cannibalism after eating their victims and using their body parts to make pastries. The worst part that they only used people from Denmark so they could legitimately label the pastries as Danish.

A report says that homes are becoming more unaffordable. Which means it will be more difficult for many to achieve the American dream of having their own home they can eventually watch go into foreclosure.

A report says that homes are becoming more unaffordable with 62% of homes listed being too expensive for a family making the national median income. Mostly because the national median income for a family is based on two adults working at convenience stores with a child who has a paper route.

A report says that homes are becoming more unaffordable with 62% of homes listed being too expensive for a family making the national median income. The other 38% of homes that can be afforded by those families are otherwise known as the car they are currently living in.

Wal-Mart workers are planning to hold Black Friday protests in several cities in an attempt to get higher wages. Fortunately, Wal-Mart workers will have the time to protest since it’s not like they have enough money to do any Christmas shopping anyway.

McDonald’s failed with an experiment that tried to get kids to eat broccoli that tastes like bubblegum. Apparently they came up with the idea after decades of successfully convincing their customers that their hamburger patties taste like beef.

McDonald’s failed with an experiment that tried to get kids to eat broccoli that tastes like bubblegum. Even worse was the experiment conducted at the same time by Bazooka to market bubblegum that tastes like broccoli.

A report says that China wastes half as much grain as it imports, including soybean, barley and sorghum. To which the Chinese are saying “You try to pick up soybeans, barley and sorghum with a pair of chopsticks.”

Papers have been filed to close the Trump Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City. Some residents were against the operation on moral principles. Imagine having a building in your city that has a sign saying “Trump.”

Candy maker Mars says the world is running out of chocolate. Which can only mean that Kirstie Alley has fallen off her diet again.

Candy maker Mars says the world is running out of chocolate. Which has been a problem ever since Bill Clinton has been trying to get back in Hillary’s good graces ever since she found out about Monica.

The government says that Healthcare.gov has reopened without major problems for the second enrollment period. Which works out fine for Republicans who thanks to the midterm elections don’t need to find any problems with the system until 2016.

A study says that working out can cause weight gain in women. Especially when their daily run ends with the finish line at the front door of the closest McDonald’s.

A study says that people tend to live longer than they predict they will. Especially people who live in Detroit and figure every day will be their last.

A study says that people tend to live longer than they predict they will. Although no one ever seems to live as long as a wealthy relative.

A study says that people live longer than they predict they will. Except for the people who think they will live long enough to be able to retire someday.

The vegan mom in Florida was able to get her child back after losing custody for claims of neglect. Apparently authorities had never seen a child before who was actually having trouble gaining weight.

A new documentary called “The Age of Love” deals with speed dating for seniors. The good thing about dating after dementia sets in is that you can be with the same person for months and it’s like going out with someone new every week.

A new documentary called “The Age of Love” deals with speed dating for seniors. After a certain age speed dating is more important, especially when the question about whether there will be a second date is dependent on whether you can perform CPR on the first.

A study says the number of cases of Alzheimer’s Disease will double by 2050. Which is good news in that as fat as we are getting, no one thought the next generation would live long enough to be at risk of dementia.

Scientists are using search data from Wikipedia to forecast the spread of the flu. Apparently they got the idea from tracking the spread of STD’s by using search data about Paris Hilton.

Scientists are using search data from Wikipedia to forecast the spread of the flu. Just like they were able to track the fear of the spread of Ebola by watching Republican political commercials during the midterm elections.

A study says that a clean home can lead to more ethical behavior. Except when the person hiring the domestic workers for housecleaning is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A study says that a clean home can lead to more ethical behavior. Although that never happens in Congress no matter how many times the voters try to clean house.

A study says that back pain can be caused by slumping while texting. Especially when the person who was texting is slumping over the wheel of their car after running into a tree.

A study says that 75% of Americans are not suitable kidney donors. Mostly because our kidneys are so damaged from all the Coca-Cola, Starbucks and beer we run through them every day.

A Florida mother and her daughter gave birth in the same hospital on the same day. Not only that, but it was a big day for grandpa and dad both who ended up being the same guy who was dating both women.

A Florida mother and her daughter gave birth in the same hospital on the same day. The weird part is when grandma offers to give her daughter a break and take a turn breastfeeding her grandchild.

A Florida mother and her daughter gave birth in the same hospital on the same day. Which makes for one of those headlines that everyone just knows right away could only happen in a southern state.

VH1 is reportedly near a deal to bring back “The Osbournes.” It’s been off the air 13 years, mostly because it has taken closed captioning translators that long to figure out what Ozzie was saying on all the episodes of the program’s original run.

Daniel Day-Lewis was knighted by Prince William. Which upset Prince Charles, who said it was his month to get to perform some sort of work related official duty.

Kim Kardashian’s attempt to “break the Internet” with a picture of her bare backside was outdone by the landing of a spacecraft on a comet. It was the first time that a comet was able to be visible to more people than a full moon.

CBS has cancelled “The Millers.” Most people were surprised. The show was still on the air?

Kobe Bryant went 1 for 14 in a game against the San Antonio Spurs. It was the first time he actually had a chance to end a game with as many assists as points.

A one armed freshman made his debut on the University of Florida basketball team. No matter what he does through his career, he will be guaranteed to set a record for never being called once for double dribble.

A one armed freshman made his debut on the University of Florida basketball team. The worst part about someone like that is that it takes away any excuses all the rest of us have for not overcoming all the obstacles in the way of becoming successful.

A pioneering camera used on the Mercury space flights has sold for $275,000. To which people under 30 are asking why didn’t the astronauts just take pictures with their cellphones?

A study says that to help with the language skills of their children, parents should be sent text messages with tips on reading to them or help them sound out words. Or better yet, put down the cellphone and stop texting long enough to actually talk to them for once.

A city council race in Florida that ended in a tie could be determined by a coin toss. Which is just another example of how even small local elections are being decided by money.

President Obama was seen twice chewing gum on his recent trip to China and Australia. Apparently he was just showing off the fact that unlike his predecessor George W. Bush he can actually chew gum and walk at the same time.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A special shout out to Dodger pitcher Clayton Kershaw for winning both the National League Cy Young and MVP awards, the first pitcher to do that in the NL in 46 years. Now if the Dodgers can just get him to figure out how to win one in the playoffs. In the meantime, I always feel like the MVP (Most Valuable Prankster) when you all remember to send the love!

Friday, November 14, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that 61% of Americans oppose federal regulation of the Internet. Apparently they draw the line once the government starts messing with their porn.

A poll says that 61% of Americans oppose federal regulation of the Internet. The other 39% are against federal regulation of the government.

The California DMV will expand its hours to accommodate license applications from undocumented immigrants. That means some of the DMV employees will have to go from working 10 minutes all the way up to as many as 15 minutes out of the day.

A list of the most violent cities in the world includes Detroit, New Orleans and St. Louis. Los Angeles only gets included in the years the Lakers win the NBA Championship.

Andy Warhol’s “Triple Elvis” painting was sold for $82 Million. Apparently the painting seems so real and has such a feel for what Elvis was about because Warhol used paint that was mixed in with maple syrup.

A door fell off U2 singer Bono’s private jet as he was flying to Germany. Two suitcases were lost in the accident which shows he was just a cavity search away from what it is like for the rest of us who fly commercial.

A report says that one in three people in Chicago are living paycheck to paycheck. The other two thirds say they are hoping someday that they might be able to get a paycheck.

A cellphone sniffing dog has reportedly found 1,000 illegal phones in California prisons. Mostly because no person wanted to smell those phones after where they were hidden to sneak them inside.

A poll says the Bible is the most valuable book to society. The second most popular response was “What’s a book?”

A poll says the Bible is the most valuable book to society. Mostly because that is the most likely place that relatives may have hidden some of their money over the years.

A report says a record number of bank branches have been closed this year. Especially now that tellers just spend their whole day telling customers their balance is still zero.

A report says a record number of bank branches have been closed this year. Mostly because people have found a place to invest their money that brings them the same interest rate as their bank account. A pillowcase.

People in Dublin, Ireland are protesting a proposed new water tax. The Irish are saying they will pay a tax on water just as soon as they actually try drinking some.

A study says that fracking fluids have been found in everyday household items such as toothpaste, ice cream and laxatives. Which is no surprise since laxatives have been used for fracking natural gas out of people for years.

An Ohio man says the Post Office lost the cremated remains of his wife that were supposed to be sent to him from Cleveland. Although the Post Office says the man can take solace in knowing that if the package made it out of Cleveland, she is in a better place.

A Michigan judicial board is recommending a judge in Ypsilanti be suspended 90 days for being convicted of super drunk driving. The judge is challenging the conviction since he says it was unfair of police to see if he was sober by having him spell “Ypsilanti.”

A report says that Romania’s president election hinges on the issue of trust. As opposed to the U.S. where all elections hinge on which candidate can raise more money than the others.

The chair of the House Homeland Security Committee is calling for a top to bottom independent review of the Secret Service. Apparently it is concerning the latest Secret Service failure where the President was helplessly beaten by voters in every state.

The chair of the House Homeland Security Committee is calling for a top to bottom independent review of the Secret Service. Republicans say the Secret Service needs to protect the life of the President, but they will look the other way if they just let his hands get broken to where he can’t sign any executive orders.

A Florida man was arrested after trying to steal a chainsaw by sticking it down his pants. While he was trying to get the chain saw with a 100% discount, he was just an accidental start from finding out what it feels like to be half off.

A professor at the University of Iowa says the school is withholding documents that contain embarrassing information about its management of the field hockey program. The embarrassing information is that the field hockey players could probably beat the school’s football team.

The CBO says the average American household pays 19.3% of its income in federal taxes. The bad news is that for most of those households, their tax bill still comes out to 19.3% of zero.

A study says that global warming could increase the number of lightning strikes by up to 50%. Scientists say the consequences could be shocking.

The Volkswagen Golf was named Motor Trend’s Car of the Year. Mostly because all the other cars were unavailable for testing by the judges as they were still in the shop after getting recalled.

The Volkswagen Golf was named Motor Trend’s Car of the Year. Which means that Volkswagen could be making sales to some if not all of the three people who still subscribe to Motor Trend.

Billionaire Warren Buffett has bought out Duracell for $3 Billion. The only problem with the sale is that batteries are not included.

The Justice Department is investigating the sudden soaring prices of generic drugs. The worst part is that people need generic antidepressants to get over the misery of having to pay full price for the drugs they need that are only available by brand name.

A study says the best way to swallow pills is to stand up straight with your head bent forward. The one exception is if you are taking pain pills for the sore neck you have from trying to swallow all your other pills that way.

A study says the best way to swallow pills is to stand up straight with your head bent forward. You would think that a lesson on how to get something from the mouth to the stomach would be the last thing Americans would need to be taught.

Scientists at Stanford are still looking for a longevity gene in humans. Mostly so they can sort out prospective students who will live long enough to be able to pay off their tuition loans.

A study says that six kinds of fire retardants have been found in most humans. Which means that most people can at least put to rest the fears of every being victims of spontaneous combustion.

A study says that one in five college students abuse ADHD drugs. How bad is it when you don’t have the attention span to be able to correctly read the directions for your hyperactivity medication?

A study says that one in five college students abuse ADHD drugs. How expensive have drugs gotten that the only ones kids are abusing are the ones they can steal from all the dorm room nerds?

A Florida vegan mom has been accused of child neglect. Apparently authorities were called out because her neighbors became concerned as they had never before seen a child who was actually thin.

A Florida vegan mom has been accused of child neglect. Apparently school officials became concerned because before that they had never actually heard a child use the word “vegetables.”

The star of the reality show “Cake Boss” was arrested in New York City for DUI. Which means he won’t be airing the episode that features a killer recipe for rum cake.

Patty Duke will play twins once again on TV on the Disney Channel’s “Liv and Maddie.” Hopefully at this point she is old enough so that one of them won’t be in danger of a hot dog making her lose control. (You have to be of a certain age group to get that one...!)

A musical based on “Duck Dynasty” is set to premier in Las Vegas. It’s for lowbrow audiences who think a Wagner Opera is any performance that features “All I Need” by Jack Wagner.

A musical based on “Duck Dynasty” is set to premier in Las Vegas. The highlight of the show is when Elmer Fudd argue whether it is rabbit season or duck season and Fudd brings down the house with his rendition of “Kill the Wabbit.”

A lawsuit has been filed to stop the proposed George Lucas Museum from being built on Chicago’s lakefront. The plaintiffs are asking the court to instead order it to move to another location far, far away.

“Mama June” Shannon from “Honey Boo Boo” answered questions about dating a convicted sex offender, saying she has “nothing to hide.” Of course, if it weren’t for people who don’t care about hiding things they probably should there wouldn’t be any reality TV in the first place.

Boy George has canceled a Culture Club reunion tour. Which is bad news for people who have been faithfully holding on to their tickets from the band’s last tour in 1983.

The chief of Viacom says the Nielsen ratings company is outdated. Especially when it turns out that the company is still getting viewers’ diaries putting “The Beverly Hillbillies” in the top 20.

The chief of Viacom says the Nielsen ratings company is outdated and has failed to keep pace with the way people watch TV. Which is really scathing when it is coming from a company that owns MTV, Nickelodeon and Spike.

China has unveiled its new stealth jet fighter. Although it turns out it really doesn’t have any stealth technology. It’s just that no one can see it when it is flying around at low levels in the middle of another smog alert.

A report says that new fast food chains are popping up around the country that offer healthy menu items. There is a word for restaurants like that in the U.S. Empty.

Microsoft is adding three finger touchpad gestures that can be used with Windows 10. As opposed to all the previous versions of Windows which were used to having the users operate them with a one finger gesture.

A report says the U.S. is putting fake cellphone towers on planes to spy on people. As opposed to AT&T which puts fake cellphone towers around the country to make people think they can get some kind of service.

Harry Reid will keep his job as the Democratic Party’s Senate Leader. The embarrassing part is that just like last week the polls showed him losing if there had been a Republican on the ballot.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Much of the nation is in the grip of an arctic breakout. Which is good news because it has gotten us worried about something other than Ebola. But don’t worry. If the cold outbreak scares you, the 24 hour cable news networks will come up with something else to frighten us all by next week. What is even more frightening is that you have made it this far down in my blog. The good news is that it is Friday. I hope you all have a great weekend and that you come back again for another round of drivel on Monday, along with all the friends you will tell about the site by then. In the meantime, it will do just to have you remember to always send the love!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says the Democratic Party’s favorable rating has dropped to a record low. Apparently the poll is called the midterm elections.

A man has been locked up in a Washington, D.C. mental hospital for 40 years for stealing a $20 necklace. Apparently the court felt he was crazy for not trying to rob a more upscale jewelry store.

A man has been locked up in a Washington, D.C. mental hospital for 40 years for stealing a $20 necklace. The problem is he was getting psychiatric care that could have been reserved instead for a high level government worker.

Rio de Janeiro has designated its first nude beach. Until now, anyone who wanted to be naked in public in Rio had to wait for Carnival.

IBM’s Watson is being used to create a consumer app that uses consumers’ genetic makeup to help them live a healthier lifestyle. The first thing the app does is tell people they are on their cellphone way too much.

Scientists have scoured the genomes of people who have lived past 110 to find if there is a genetic link. The one thing the found is that those people all lived the first 50 years of their lives before ever getting the chance to eat at McDonald’s.

Chinese hackers reportedly breached the federal weather system recently. Which explains why the Weather Channel was forecasting that it will be cold, and that it is better to ask twice than to lose yourself once.

Chinese hackers reportedly breached the federal weather system recently. They knew the hackers must be from China because every forecast was changed to include a warning for heavy smog.

A report says that smartphone “zombies” are causing havoc on the streets in major cities where people are too connected with their phones to watch where they are going. Which wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the drivers who run them over because they are distracted while texting behind the wheel.

AT&T says it will stop spending money on high speed fiber Internet connections until the  FCC makes a plan for Internet regulation. AT&T officials were disappointed after the company has already committed as much as $3 into the project.

Prince Charles is warning Britons about losing connections with the countryside. Apparently he is concerned that if there is a loss of rural areas, there won’t be as many places left where Camilla can graze.

A Finnish firm is planning to launch a payment system that uses facial recognition technology. Apparently it works by matching the grimace that comes over the customer’s face when they see how much they are spending.

The Obama Administration has endorsed a treaty that would ban torture. Which some see as just giving President Obama an excuse get out of having that drink with Senator Mitch McConnell.

A tractor-trailer became stuck on a Milwaukee footbridge which the driver blamed on his GPS. Unfortunately, the driver failed to rely on other available technology called looking out the windshield.

A tractor-trailer became stuck on a Milwaukee footbridge which the driver blamed on his GPS. No one knew there were still any GPS systems that still relied on Apple Maps.

President Obama extended the state of emergency with Iran into its 36th straight year. Which just means we are behind the rest of the Middle East which has been in a state of emergency with Iran for 3,500 straight years.

Afghanistan’s opium crop has risen to record output levels. Mostly because using opiates is the best way for the people there to imagine they are somewhere other than Afghanistan.

Afghanistan’s opium crop has risen to record output levels. Although it took other countries awhile to realize why every restaurant there advertises all their meals are served with a side of hash.

Some people who became lost in the world’s largest corn maze in California called 911 for help. Many were surprised at the news. They grow corn in California?

Some people who became lost in the world’s largest corn maze in California called 911 for help. Police told them that when they are lost in a corn field, it is best to pay attention to your ears.

A poll says that texting, e-mails and cellphone calls are the most common forms of nonpersonal communication. Except when people are driving and they still communicate most effectively with their middle finger.

Six banks have been fined a total of $4.3 Billion for manipulating currency markets to boost their profits. Otherwise known banking.

The government says that gasoline will average less than $3 a gallon through 2015. The only thing is, everyone has forgotten if gasoline went up in price because we started all those Middle East wars or if we started all those Middle East wars because the price of gasoline went up.

A poll says that Americans feel the government and the economy are the nation’s most important problems. Which can be pared down even more considering the government is responsible for most the problems we are having with the economy.

A study says that having just one drink can double the risk of ending up in the ER. Especially when your wife walks into the bar where you are having that drink with your girlfriend.

An analysis says that U.S. companies are holding more than $2 Trillion overseas. Or as that analysis is otherwise known, the lines at the local unemployment office.

A new dating site called The League gives out apps only by invitation to what they call “high quality” singles. Which pretty much should exclude people who need an app to find a date.

A neuroscientist has written a paper explaining why hipsters all look the same. Mostly because how else will they know someone else is as hip as they are if they look different?

Federal officials say that crash tests will show by 2015 if highway guardrails are safe. Although how bad can they be when the other options for going off the road are usually hitting either a tree or another car.

Microsoft has just patched a bug that has been around for two decades. The only problem is that when something affects Windows so that it doesn’t work properly, how can anyone even tell?

Microsoft has just patched a bug that has been around for two decades. It has been the longest lasting nuisance in the tech world since Bill Gates’ haircut.

A study says that people who are having trouble swallowing pills are usually doing something wrong. Especially if the pill they are taking is a suppository.

A study says that people who are having trouble swallowing pills are usually doing something wrong. Although for most people taking prescription medications, the hardest thing to swallow is the amount they have to pay for their pharmacy bill.

A paper says that plant based diets are best for the planet. Mostly because animal based diets have made us so fat it is getting harder for the Earth to turn with all the extra weight.

Sources say that Robin Williams’ suicide may have been triggered by an illness that causes dementia and hallucinations. Otherwise known as his routines. (Tasteless, yes...but Robin Williams probably would have laughed...)

A study says that Vitamin B and folic acid supplements don’t help people with their memory. Especially when they can’t remember where they left their bottles of Vitamin B and folic acid.

A New York plastic surgeon will soon offer “vacation breasts” that women can try out for a few weeks. They are called vacation breasts because if they are large enough the woman won’t have any problem finding someone asking to take them on a vacation.

A study says that falls are the leading cause of head trauma for kids. The good news is that the worst fall most kids are danger of is dropping two feet off the couch to the carpet while reaching for the remote.

Richard Branson says there is no truth to the rumor he offered Led Zeppelin $800 Million for a reunion tour. Mostly because Branson couldn’t sit quietly through a concert because it he can’t do anything that doesn’t involve a parachute, hot air ballon or rocket.

Randy Jackson has announced he will be leaving “American Idol” after this season. Apparently he didn’t feel he was focused enough on the show. In fact, it wasn’t until three weeks ago he noticed Paula and Simon were gone.

Randy Jackson has announced he will be leaving “American Idol” after this season. People were surprised. “American Idol” is still on the air?

Jennifer Lopez says that Ben Affleck couldn’t deal with her big entourage. Although it turns out it really wasn’t an entourage so much as just people following her around to check out her backside.

Jennifer Lopez says that Ben Affleck couldn’t deal with her big entourage. Mostly because out of all those people he was the one that kept ending up having to carry all the luggage.

Bruce Jenner’s 88 year old mother says she hates his new effeminate look. Apparently she is more fond of the effeminate look he had in the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s.

The Kardashians say they won’t release a 2014 holiday card. Apparently it was physically impossible to find a camera with a wide angle lens that could fit both Kanye West’s head and Kim Kardashian’s backside into the same photo.

Kim Kardashian says she is trying to “break the Internet” by releasing pictures of her bare backside online. Although with a rear end that large, people are just praying she doesn’t break wind.

Kim Kardashian says she is trying to “break the Internet” by releasing pictures of her bare backside online. Although when people heard that pictures of Kim Kardashian’s rear end were being released, they thought it meant some face shots of Kanye West.

LeBron James says he doesn’t allow his kids to play football. Mostly because they just don’t have enough time for the sport because with his income they are already leaning more towards croquet, yachting and polo.

A Pew study says that Americans fear they have lost control of their personal data. Apparently the study was done with people going in to do some shopping at Michaels, Home Depot, and Target.

A Pew study says that Americans fear they have lost control of their personal data. What’s worse is that Pew got their information for the study from the NSA.

Samsung has unveiled a 360 degree virtual reality camera. It’s primary use will be to allow people to make Facebook posts of what everyone in the entire restaurant is eating.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just another day of top quality jokes. Maybe not here, but probably somewhere if you look hard enough. Hope you enjoy the material. I was hesitant to put the Robin Williams joke up, but what the heck. I really think he would have gotten a laugh from it. Too bad when you see someone with all his resources not able to get the help he needed. But all anyone really needs is to have the people around them remember to send the love!