Jokes By Jim
Sunday, July 12, 2009
  Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Questions continue about Michael Jackson's death...At least the media has something to do... A group of major banks says they won't accept IOUs from the State of California. Apparently they have already taken enough bad IOUs. Also known as subprime mortgages.

Soon to be former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin says that President Obama is growing the government too quickly. Palin herself has finally found a way to shrink government in a way people can appreciate. By resigning.

A study says that family history is the key to severity of depression, along with anxiety and alcohol and drug dependency. Especially if you are a member of the Kennedy family.

The cause of death of explorer Henry Hudson is still a mystery that historians are trying to figure out 400 years later. Even the Los Angeles Police Department says that someone should really start investigating that case.

Hawaiian hotel occupancy dropped to a record low of 62% in May. Mostly because the weather is nice enough that people who have been foreclosed on can just camp out on the beach.

Iranian Prime Minister Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared a "new era" for Iran. Apparently they have moved from the Dark Ages right into Medieval Times.

The Nielsen Company says the number of children who are online is growing faster than the rate of parents or older siblings. Mostly because those older groups have already discovered Internet porn.

Scientists have announced that the coldest object in all of space is now the Planck Spacecraft. It is reportedly down to three degrees below Hillary.

The death certificate for Michael Jackson left the cause of death as "unknown". It also marked "unknown" for his gender and race.

Credit card delinquencies are at an all time high. Apparently people are starting to default on all the furnishings they bought on credit for their houses which have been foreclosed.

The luxury home market has been hit hard in the economic slump. There is a 40 month supply of homes worth $750,000 or more. Of course, these days owning any home is considered a luxury.

More than 31 Million people reportedly watched the Michael Jackson Memorial Services. Mostly because the only networks that didn't carry it were Spike TV and the Outdoor Channel.

A poll says that Sarah Palin's popularity has risen among republicans after announcing her resignation as Governor of Alaska. Apparently people are always with politicians who kick themselves out of office.

The FBI says that mortgage fraud is "rampant" and growing. They are also investigating reports that AIG and Bear Stearns may be in financial trouble.

Scientists say they have created human sperm from stem cells. The good news is that now those scientists may actually have a chance to have children.

CIA Director Leon Panetta says the agency has misled Congress since 2001. Before that Congress was just misled all on its own.

A runway at JFK Airport in New York City was shut down for several minutes when 78 turtles appeared on the tarmac. Of course the turtles were actually able to get themselves off the runway faster than any U.S. Airways flights.

Meat processing executive Oscar Mayer has died at 95 years old. Apparently he was able to live such a long life by avoiding eating any Oscar Mayer lunch meat products.

GM is considering changing its logo color to green. Which is pretty much the color their investors' skin tone changes to when they see their stock statement.

GM is considering changing its logo color to green. Which is an interesting choice since they have been operating for so many years in the red.

Traffic congestion across the country has dipped for the second straight year. Mostly because the crowds have moved off the roads and into the unemployment offices.

A study says the deadliest day in the week for suicides is Wednesday. Apparently people want to end it before having to watch another episode of "American Idol Rewind" on Thursday.

A government report says that 26% of the U.S. population is obese. The other 74% are still busy working on it.

A government report says that 26% of the U.S. population is obese. And you thought the government needed to trim the fat.

A study says that there are two kinds of laughter, one from glee and the other with a social message. A laugh with a social message is when you laugh at your boss' jokes in order to keep your job.

Scientists in Ohio are developing a fuel cell that runs off urine. If it works, the New York subway system could run for years on the fumes alone.

Former figure skating champ Nicole Bobek has been charged with taking part in a meth ring. Not only that, she is being charged with stealing her routine by Tonya Harding.

Former figure skating champ Nicole Bobek has been charged with taking part in a meth ring. She is hoping her celebrity status and clean record will allow her to skate on this one.

Former figure skating champ Nicole Bobek has been charged with taking part in a meth ring. People thought she was talking about practicing when she said she was addicted to ice.

Former "Three's Company" star Joyce DeWitt has been arrested for DUI in California. The sad part is that when she was pulled over she kept saying she just had a few drinks at the "Regal Beagle".

New Internet software helps insomniacs by offering advice and giving specific bedtimes. If that doesn't work it directs them to Jon&Kate.com.

A study in Austria is exploring the belief that a car's appearance can project a personality. Like a New York City taxicab just looks like it is giving you the finger.

Costa Rica tops the list of the "Happiest countries in the world". People there are happy mostly because they aren't across the border in Nicaragua or Panama.

Costa Rica tops the list of the "Happiest countries in the world". The U.S. comes in 114th. Apparently the other 113 countries ahead of us didn't allow mortgages with Countrywide.

A study says that babies can remember traumatic events. For instance, the octomom's kids will go through life remembering being very crowded.

Researchers say they can guess Social Security numbers based on patterns on how the cards were issued by birth date. Or they can just get on the Internet and find them posted all over the place just as easily.

Researchers say they can guess Social Security numbers based on patterns on how the cards were issued by birth date. They were able to figure out that John McCain's number is 000-00-0001.

The Tribune Company has reportedly sold the Chicago Cubs for $900 Million. So while you can't put a price on happiness, we have just found out the cost for misery.

A survey says that at least 38 states have overestimated their tax revenues for this year. Apparently those are the states that actually thought they were going to have tax revenues this year.

A survey says that at least 38 states have overestimated their tax revenues for this year. Apparently the other 12 have figured out a way to tax unemployment and foreclosed properties.

The New York State Senate adjourned after a three minute session. Who do they think they are, Congress?

LPGA tour members are calling for the resignation of Commissioner Carolyn Bivens. The tour is losing money, fans and sponsors. Even Bud Selig is asking how she is staying on the job.

A new book alleges a romance between Bobby Kennedy and his sister-in-law Jacqueline Kennedy. Apparently coming from a big family makes kids get used to taking hand-me-downs.

A study says that travelers are at three times the risk for blood clots. Mostly after being informed their luggage has been lost.

Utah Senator Orrin Hatch is calling for the Justice Department to investigate the College Bowl Championship Series for anti-trust violations. Apparently when they are done with that they can check into that Wall Street collapse and mortgage industry meltdown when they get a chance.

Pope Benedict XVI is calling for a "world political authority" to manage the global economy and for more regulation. The Pope figures that just because he took a vow of poverty doesn't mean the rest of the world has to follow suit.

A bill being considered in California would allow vendors who are paid with IOUs to use them to pay state taxes and fees. Just to make it official, all the payments will be made with real Monopoly money.

A group of Seattle doctors is trying a flat rate no limit approach to primary care. Health insurance companies are already using that method. It's called the "How much have you got?" billing system.

The FDA is tightening its food safety standards. People will always question the FDA's food standards as long as there is a Taco Bell.

A study says that one in three breast cancer patients may be over treated. According to health insurance companies, anyone receiving treatment is being over treated.

Nevada Senator John Ensign's parents gave the family of his mistress a payoff of nearly $100,000. Apparently the cost of that will come out of Ensign's allowance for years.

Tens of billions of dollars remain in the bank bailout TARP fund, and now Congress is debating what to do with it. Apparently its the money that hasn't been used yet for executive bonuses and corporate retreats.

A new theory claims that Galileo may have discovered Neptune in 1613. If he had looked just a little harder he may have even some day found Uranus. (That is SO juvenile. But funny!)

A survey of hotel owners says the French are the world's worst tourists. In fact, they are reportedly almost as rude and obnoxious as when they are in their own country.

A survey of hotel owners says the French are the world's worst tourists. Although no one gets quite as nervous as when the Germans start marching in.

A New York City woman has been sentenced to six months in jail for subway graffiti. The question is, how could anyone tell she did anything?

Financial swindler Bernard Madoff says he won't appeal his 150 year sentence. Apparently his lawyers have told him with good behavior he could get it cut down to 120.

Congressional Democrats are looking to tax the rich to pay for health care reform. There is a loophole. Get sick, run up some medical bills and you will no longer be rich.

The Los Angeles Police Department's public database has omitted nearly 40% of the year's crimes. The LAPD says it simply left out celebrity murders which are no longer a crime in L.A.

The Los Angeles Police Department's public database has omitted nearly 40% of the year's crimes. Mostly because the LAPD won't be getting around to looking at them for another five years anyway.

The Los Angeles Police Department's public database has omitted nearly 40% of the year's crimes. Of course, most of those crimes were in Beverly Hills and were turned over to the fashion police for investigation.

China has passed the U.S. as the world's biggest auto market in the first half of the year. Beating GM, Ford and Chrysler for auto sales is like winning a beauty pageant in the Ukraine.

The number of U.S. companies on the Forbes Global 500 list is down to 140, the lowest since the list began. Financial experts are shocked. The U.S. still has 140 companies?

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer says in ten years computers will know what people are looking for online. Apparently that means they will just automatically start searching for porn.

A study says the poor are leaving California at a higher rate than the rich. Of course, rich people in California are those who were able to sell their homes a few months ago to the people who are now poor.

A 2,000 year old container of skin cream was found in Italy. Archaeologists knew it was authentic when they saw it was marked "Joan Rivers Collection".

The Shriners are considering downgrading some of the hospitals to outpatient surgery centers. That's not the only cutback. They will also start using miniature ambulances driven by a guy wearing a Fez.

California Senator Barbara Boxer says if the Senate doesn't pass a bill to cut global warming, there will be dire results including fires, floods and drought. Or as California calls it, "Spring".

Nobel Peace Prize winner Muhammad Yunus says the world economic crisis can lead to positive social change. For instance, poor people's homes are now worth just as much as the ones in the rich neighborhoods.

The new CEO of GM says the company will have a better performance coming out of bankruptcy. In other words, it will take longer than just a few years to completely bankrupt the company next time.

A 20 year study says that monkeys live longer on a low calorie diet. Researchers are still looking for an American to test the theory on.

A poll says that 27% of Americans believe the country's greatest achievements are in science, medicine and technology. The other 73% say it's the cheeseburger.

An 84 year old Colorado man has earned his high school diploma after dropping out to serve in WWII. His easiest course was U.S. History, since he pretty much lived through most of it.

An 84 year old Colorado man has earned his high school diploma after dropping out to serve in WWII. The sad part is that today's kids are so fat he was able to letter in both track and basketball.

A Maine teacher has apologized for participating in a mock wedding with a 4th grade student. From now on he says he will draw the line at taking his 4th grade students out on dates.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford sought out a real estate agent while he was in Argentina with his mistress. He really needed a real estate agent when he got back and his wife threw him out of the house.

GM is looking at an exit package for former CEO Rick Wagoner. He will reportedly get a pension of $20 Million. Or as that was known during his time running the company, about three minutes worth of losses.

A report says the number of female video gamers has increased up to 28%. But that still doesn't increase the odds that the other 72% of gamers who are guys will ever get a date with them.

Major League Baseball attendance is down 6.2% this year. Which is almost as much as a drop in the size of the ball players once steroids were banned.

Major League Baseball attendance is down 6.2% this year. 63% of the fans say the game is getting too expensive. And those are just the ones buying concessions at Yankee Stadium.

A New Zealand Taekwondo athlete has opened a brothel to raise the $200,000 needed to send him to the 2012 Olympics in London. His event is now being called "Taekwond-Ho".

Sears is already starting online Christmas sales in July. Actually they are just trying to get rid of the stuff that nobody bought last Christmas.

Prince Charles says we have just 96 months to save the planet. He says the environment has been the victim of capitalism. It seems the U.S. and Britain have taken care of that part of the problem.

Prince Charles says we have just 96 months to save the planet. He says the environment has been the victim of capitalism. Fortunately for him, the Royal Family has never had to muddy their hands with any capitalistic endeavors, like getting a job.

A study in Finland says that people who stay active tend to have a rosier outlook on life. Mostly because they don't have any time to sit around and watch the financial news channels.

The Pentagon may try to ban smoking in the military. If the military is worried about the soldiers' health, they could start by trying to end a couple of the wars we are currently fighting.

The CIA is being accused of misleading Congress. After missing the 9/11 attacks and being wrong about Iraq, who is listening to the CIA anyway?

Congress has been asked to address extremism in the military by an anti-hate group. When they are finished, they are being asked to investigate extremism in Congress.

Scientists in England are trying to find out why cheetahs are so fast. One thing they do know is that cheetahs are faster than humans because we can order out.

David Arquette is going to live in a box above Madison Square Gardens in order to raise money for the hungry. He is also preparing for life if Courtney Cox ever throws him out.

Several Major League Baseball players fear the Pfister hotel in Milwaukee that they claim is haunted. Baseball players should be used to apparitions. In 1994, Bud Selig made the World Series completely disappear.

Several Major League Baseball players fear the Pfister Hotel in Milwaukee that they claim is haunted. It seems that the players experience hallucinations and strange visions, usually after eating hot dogs and drinking beer at Miller Park.

An attorney has been freed in Pennsylvania after serving fourteen years for contempt of court. He should have known better than to smart off to Judge Judy.

GM is considering a plan to sell its cars on eBay. It wasn't that long ago that GM was almost up for sale on eBay.

Olympic Champion Michael Phelps has been named a spokesman for Subway Restaurants. Apparently a deal to represent Oreos, Twinkies and Doritos just fell through.

Olympic Champion Michael Phelps withdrew from a 100 meter race because of a sore neck. Apparently he hurt it by repeatedly looking over his shoulder to see who is taking his picture at parties.

Led Zeppelin front man Robert Plant has been appointed Commander of the Order of the British Empire. He was given the honor for not trashing a British hotel room in more than a decade.

A Norwegian study says that depression in teenagers can be caused by heavy drinking. And both can be caused by living in Norway.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tonight is my daughter's birthday party. We're going to a local hotel for a sleepover. My wife loves to go to hotels for sleepovers. Except I'm usually not invited. The best thing about being a dad is the unconditional love. Which I am still waiting for. One of these days. It's always nice to get a little extra love, so if you have any to spare feel free to send it this way!







  3:31 AM
Sunday, July 05, 2009
  Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Yesterday was the 4th of July celebrating independence from England. Now we are dependent on the Middle East... Because of a military coup, the U.S. State Department is warning U.S. citizens to avoid all non-essential travel to Honduras. Which pretty much means all travel to Honduras.

Simon Cowell is reportedly being offered $144 Million a year to stay on "American Idol". Contestants are starting a collection to see if they can match it so he will leave.

Simon Cowell is reportedly being offered $144 Million a year to stay on "American Idol". Which is exactly the same amount the show's insurance company pays out for Paula Abdul's prescriptions.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford in a news conference said that his mistress was his "soul mate" but he was going to try to fall in love again with his wife. Well, now sweet talk like that is a great start to repairing a damaged relationship.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford now admits he was with his mistress more times than he first acknowledged. Apparently he can be a little forgetful. He forgot he was married, forgot he was governor and forgot he was a father.

The late Michael Jackson claimed to have a net worth of $236 Million in 2007. The bad news is he was heavily invested in GM, AIG and Bear Stearns.

Home prices in April had an 18% drop from the year before. With unemployment and foreclosures still rising, another 82% drop in prices and the housing market may finally start to pick up again.

Former Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin says she is resigning as Governor of Alaska. Palin says she is tired of the "superficial, wasteful political bloodsport". She would like to return to more conventional bloodsport, like shooting moose from a helicopter.

Former Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin says she is resigning as Governor of Alaska. She claims her political career is over. That was pretty apparent after her interview with Katie Couric.

The autopsy report of Michael Jackson says he weighed 112 pounds when he died. Even Nicole Richey was telling him to get a sandwich.

Financial swindler Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison for a Ponzi scheme that stole $65 Billion from investors. At 60 cents an hour for prison work, he can almost have it paid off by the time his prison term is up.

Tiger Woods was reportedly going to play golf with House Minority Leader John Boehner. Apparently the Republicans are trying to sway Woods over to their side. They first were attracted to him when they saw how many times his drives went far right.

Tiger Woods was reportedly going to play golf with House Minority Leader John Boehner. Woods is a natural target for Republicans as he is one of the few people who is still making money in this economy.

The average college tuition increase of 4.3% this year was the lowest since 1972. Colleges had to drop rates back then as the Vietnam War was winding down and no one needed deferments any more.

A study says that half of the world's wealthiest investors have lost confidence in their fund managers. Especially the ones who invested with Bernard Madoff.

A study says that half of the world's wealthiest investors have lost confidence in their fund managers. The other half stuffed all their money into their mattress.

A study says that long distance bikers could damage their chances at fatherhood. Mostly because they can't even get a date when women see they don't have a car.

A study says that 47,000 senior falls a year are tied to walkers and canes. Especially when a person using a cane and a person with a walker each claim the right of way.

A study says that 47,000 senior falls a year are tied to walkers and canes. Not to mention all the falls caused by discarded banana peels.

The "Antiques Roadshow" had its first $1 Million find. A viewer came up with some GM stock from 1954.

President Obama is coming up with new lighting rules. He wants people to use lights that consume less energy. He wants houses to be darker so that it is harder to read their monthly 401K statement.

A study says that 1 in 7 teenagers think they will die before they are 35. Those are the ones who are planning careers in fields that don't offer health insurance.

A study says that 1 in 7 teenagers think they will die before they are 35. This prompts the teens to engage in risky behavior, which kills them before they are 35.

Ford says that June could be their best month of '09. Unfortunately, they are talking about 1909.

A study says that women can hammer better than men in the light, while men are better at hammering in the dark. Mostly because the women are too smart to try to hammer something in the dark.

A study says that women can hammer better than men in the light, while men are better at hammering in the dark. Mostly because women won't hammer in the dark because they are afraid of breaking a fingernail.

Mortgage applications have fallen to a seven month low. Mostly because it's hard to refinance when your house has already been foreclosed.

Mississippi is still the fattest state in the nation, but Alabama is closing in according to a study. Just a few more pounds and they can pretty much just erase that border between the two.

Mississippi is still the fattest state in the nation, but Alabama is closing in according to a study. The question is, how can people eat so much with so few teeth?

23 states are getting fatter, with nearly a third of all U.S. adults now obese according to a study. Apparently the bad economy means all the people who lost their jobs have even more spare time to eat.

Colorado is the thinnest state, with only 18.9% of adults being obese. Apparently it's just to much of an effort to get up and walk to the refrigerator when you live at an altitude of 12,000 feet.

The fuel tax could be replaced with a by-the-mile road tax using GPS sensors. The question is, will there be a deduction for having to swerve around potholes for people who drive in New York City?

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has outlawed gambling in Russia. Apparently he has convinced the people it is bad by showing what it did to Wall Street.

A Social Security audit says that millions of dollars in benefits are being paid to people who are dead. Of course, they don't want to stop the checks because those are the only people in the country who are actually saving money.

Arizona lawmakers have approved a bill allowing guns into bars. Apparently it was called the "Making bartenders more polite" bill.

Arizona lawmakers have approved a bill allowing guns into bars. Now it's becoming a little clearer why Arizona State University denied President Obama an honorary degree.

Arizona lawmakers have approved a bill allowing guns into bars. Fortunately, most Arizona bars have held onto their signs that say "Please don't shoot the piano player".

The U.N. has begun a probe into the slaying of Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. She was assassinated in 2007. Even the Los Angeles Police Department is asking what is taking so long?

The world's largest satellite has been launched, which will be used for cell phone service. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough room on the satellite for a death ray for anyone using their cell phone in a movie theater.

The world's largest satellite has been launched, which will be used for cell phone service. Billions of dollars of technology is being put to use to make sure we can access online video games while driving to the mall.

The Federal Government could seize several California state parks if the state allows them to close down because of the budget crisis. If things get any worse, the government is ready to declare martial law at Disneyland and put Mickey Mouse under house arrest.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has declared a financial emergency for the state which is now $26.3 Billion in debt. This is the biggest financial disaster Schwarzenegger has faced since "Jingle All The Way".

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has declared a financial emergency for the state which is now $26.3 Billion in debt. Even though he in ineligible to run for the White House, he is doing everything he can to show he knows exactly how to run the federal government.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has declared a financial emergency for the state which is now $26.3 Billion in debt. It's so bad that the state is considering changing its state symbol from the bear to the Bear Stearns.

The Center for Disease Control says that private health care coverage is at a 50 year low. That's even worse when you consider that 50 years ago major surgery cost less than a steak dinner.

The Center for Disease Control says that private health care coverage is at a 50 year low. Only 65% of Americans have health insurance. The other 35% are urged to eat well, exercise and get their things in order.

The decline in auto sales across the country is showing signs of slowing down. In fact, GM is doing better in bankruptcy than before they went broke.

McDonald's debuted their new $4 Angus burger. It is different from other McDonald's burgers in that it actually contains some beef.

A study says the odds of surviving cardiac arrest are still slim even after CPR is performed in a hospital. Even if the patient survives, they usually go into cardiac arrest again when they get their medical bill.

A study says the odds of surviving cardiac arrest are still slim even after CPR is performed in a hospital. Of course, the percentage is brought down by those who belong to an HMO where CPR involves jumper cables and a 1974 Buick.

The Staples Center is the site for a memorial to Michael Jackson. The Staples Center hasn't seen such a large crowd in mourning since the last Clippers game.

A study says that men with poor sperm quality can improve it with more sex. That's bad news for the pharmacist who is asked to fill that prescription.

A study says that men with poor sperm quality can improve it with more sex. There's a great line to use on the wife. "We have to have sex tonight. Doctor's orders!"

More smokers are reportedly struggling to keep their habit with the recession and increasing cigarette taxes. It's almost like there is some sort of conspiracy to make them live longer.

A study says that men are in agreement with what makes a woman attractive than women are about men. For a man to be attracted to a woman, she pretty much just needs to be breathing.

A study says that men are in agreement with what makes a woman attractive than women are about men. For women a man could be attractive if he is a doctor, drives an expensive car, lives in a mansion...

Michael Jackson reportedly begged for a strong sedative in his final days. His doctors were worried about the number of drugs he was already using, so they just advised him to listen to one of his sister La Toya's albums.

The government is planning to spend more than a billion dollars to find out what medical treatments work best for which ailments. Isn't that pretty much what doctors are for?

The government is planning to spend more than a billion dollars to find out what medical treatments work best for which ailments. Of course, people who can't afford health insurance will be told to take two aspirins and eat some chicken soup.

China's Spring Airlines may sell tickets in a "standing only" section. Apparently they got the idea after the CEO took a flight on Southwest Airlines.

The U.K. economy took its biggest quarterly drop since 1958. All they needed to break out of that slump was a little help from John, Paul, George and Ringo.

Gannett Company is laying off another 1,000 workers. The company owns "USA Today" newspaper. They are notifying people of layoffs with a nice little printed pie chart.

Sarah Palin says she could beat President Obama in a foot race. Especially if that foot race was to get out of Alaska.

Sarah Palin says she could beat President Obama in a foot race. She says she could even do it with a handicap, like having to use John McCain's walker.

Sarah Palin says she could beat President Obama in a foot race. Or a car race, or a bicycle race. Pretty much anything but a political race.

The British Government says taxpayers may have to bail out the Queen financially this year. The question is, how is that different from any other year?

The British Government says taxpayers may have to bail out the Queen financially this year. Apparently the cost of doing nothing has gone up again.

Many cities were reportedly cutting back on fireworks shows this 4th of July because of the recession. Instead, most people just celebrated the 4th by lighting huge bonfires with their old GM stock certificates.

The CIA is on pace to have a record number of applications this year. Apparently there is a lot of interest from laid off bankers who are used to snooping on all their customers' personal information.

The Vatican is conducting an investigation of American nuns who have reinterpreted their calling for the modern world. If they are found guilty, they could receive a sharp rapping on the knuckles with a ruler.

The jobless rate in the U.S. is up to 9.5%, the highest since 1983. The average work week is now down to 33 hours. That's still nowhere near as low as the 15 hour work week of Congress.

GM is planning a "garage sale" for some of its assets including factories, parking lots and a golf course. Once that is done, maybe they can figure out how to sell some of their cars.

The Japanese are tying to breed a "super tuna". I thought we already had that when Bill Parcells was coaching the New York Giants.

Bank fees are rising in an effort to offset some of their losses. In other words, they have lost all our mortgage money so now they are taking it out of our savings accounts.

The National Society of Newspaper Columnists have given Sarah Palin the "Sitting Duck" award for providing them with the most material for columns. It's probably time to reassess your life when you have become the subject of more punchlines than Rod Blagojevich, Mark Sanford and Larry Craig.

Gary Coleman's wife was arrested in Utah for domestic violence. Police were called when she kicked Coleman out of their house. The problem was that when she kicked him out, she really kicked him out.

The highway death toll so far in 2009 has fallen to its lowest rate since 1961. Mostly because there are fewer people having to drive to a job or taking a vacation than there were in 1961.

A Colorado company is making a biodegradable casket out of banana sheaves. The only problem is when they actually have to peel the deceased during the funeral.

Scientists say that global warming may be responsible for shrinking sheep in Scotland. Either that or people are just getting fatter and are looking for an excuse as to why their wool suits seem tighter.

A study says the tropical rain band found near the equator is moving farther north about a mile every year. Which means umbrella makers in Arizona will really have to gear up for business in another 3,000 years.

The Iowa State Fair will feature a butter statue of Michael Jackson. Not only will the sculpture look just like Jackson, but both have noses that start to melt when the temperature reaches 60 degrees.

An Illinois taxi driver who was attacked by a passenger with a knife disarmed the man by spraying him with deodorant. People were shocked. Since when do taxi drivers know about deodorant?

The former captain of the Romanian soccer team says he used to be an informer for the secret police. The only problem was passing them information without using his hands.

The former captain of the Romanian soccer team says he used to be an informant for the secret police. He was dropped after he developed the habit of giving them information and screaming "Goooooooaaaaaalllll!"

The funeral for pitchman Billy Mays was attended by hundreds. There was one awkward moment when one of his former bosses did a demonstration using Orange Glow to take a scratch off the casket.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's wife says she may forgive him, but that reconciliation will be tough. What's even tougher for Sanford is that his wife has been getting ideas from Kobe Bryant.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford lost a pending book deal about financial conservatism because of his affair with a mistress. Apparently his publisher didn't think people would want advice about financial conservatism from a man who is about to lose half of what he owns.

A rare copy of the Declaration of Independence was found in London in the National Archives. Of course, these days after the economic meltdown and the war in Iraq the British are willing to give us all the Independence we want.

Amsterdam is considering giving bank credit to prostitutes. What will be awkward is when they have to actually foreclose on a loan.

Amsterdam is considering giving bank credit to prostitutes. Of course, that is still one of the few businesses still making money in the bad economy.

Pigeons are being trained to be art critics in a study in Japan. They have a lot in common. Both treat their subjects in pretty much the same way.

Warren Buffett has made a $1.5 Billion donation to charity. Apparently that means he was heavily invested in GM stock.

A proposed bill in the Senate will fine people who refuse to buy available health coverage. So that means people who used to go bankrupt because they couldn't find health care may now go bankrupt because they can.

Taco Bell will replace McDonald's as the fast food partner of the NBA after 20 years. Apparently McDonald's couldn't handle the part of the contract that called for free Happy Meals for all the basketball players' kids.

Sony is celebrating the 30th anniversary of the Walkman. Of course, 30 years later the portable cassette tape player has all the relevance of a pay phone.

Roger Clemens' lawyer says the baseball star did not test positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2003. Of course, by then he was pretty much just relying on Geritol, Centrum Silver and Ensure.

Joey Chestnut defended his title in the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest, beating Takeru Kobayashi by eating 68 hot dogs in twelve minutes. People were stunned. It takes the average American at least a half hour to eat that many hot dogs.

Joey Chestnut defended his title in the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest, beating Takeru Kobayashi by eating 68 hot dogs in twelve minutes. The contest would have been held at Yankee Stadium, but contest organizers said that many hot dogs there would cost $15,000.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Millions of Americans celebrated Independence Day. They are now independent from paying a mortgage, independent from having to go to work...I hope you all enjoyed your 4th of July, and I hope you are becoming dependent on my blog. Feel the freedom to send the love any time!







  3:47 AM
Sunday, June 28, 2009
  Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...The world is mourning the death of Michael Jackson last week...No one more than the world's comedy writers... Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop" died last week. The singer had to reinvent himself many times to stay on top of the music world. In fact, he started out as a young black boy and ended up as a middle aged white woman.

OK...that's it with the MJ jokes (for now)...

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has admitted to an affair with a woman in Argentina and says he wants to take responsibility. He says he is a "bottom line kind of guy". Too bad he couldn't draw the line at her bottom.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has admitted to an affair with a woman in Argentina. He disappeared for six days, telling his staff he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. After his admission he was told to take another hike by his wife.

A Connecticut church performed a "gay exorcism" on a church member. During the gay exorcism the person's head actually spun around vomiting decaf mocha latte.

The New York City MTA is selling sponsorship of a subway station to a bank. What better place for a bank to represent than another business that takes its customers completely under.

A North Carolina school program is paying teenage girls a dollar a day not to get pregnant. So far the program has cost the school $3.

The Oscars are doubling the number of films that will be nominated as "Best Picture" to ten. It's hard enough now to find five that even qualify as "watchable".

The Oscars are doubling the number of films that will be nominated as "Best Picture" to ten. Apparently the goal is to see if they can actually stretch the awards show out to twelve hours.

The number of millionaires around the world shrank last year. The number of millionaires now equals what used to be the number of billionaires.

Pizza Hut is changing its name to "The Hut". To which ExxonMobil said they will also be changing their name to "The Mob".

AAA says that fewer people will be traveling over the July 4th holiday. Who are these people who keep calling AAA with their vacation plans?

Wal-Mart says it is trying to attract more affluent customers. What they are forgetting is the whole reason to become affluent is to stay out of places like Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart says it is trying to attract more affluent customers. In a bold move, they are actually starting to stock toothpaste and dental floss.

A study says that Neanderthals made jerky out of mammoth meat. Apparently researchers made the discovery when they went to a 7-11 and bought a "Slim Jim".

GM says it is planning on cutting 4,000 more white collar jobs by the end of the year. Industry experts are shocked. GM still has 4,000 employees?

GM says it is planning on cutting 4,000 more white collar jobs by the end of the year. It is attached to a company incentive plan that rewards employees with a chance to get out of Detroit.

The U.S. is going to lend $8 Billion to Ford, Nissan and Tesla to make more fuel efficient cars. Of course the auto industry wouldn't have needed any loans if they would have made more fuel efficient cars in the first place.

Harvard is cutting 275 jobs because of the bad economy. If the cuts are based on performance, they will all be coming out of the Harvard Business School which gave us all those Wall Street executives who wrecked the economy in the first place.

Dick Cheney has signed a book deal to write his memoirs. Apparently there is always an interest in what it was like to be President.

California is cutting its tax exemption for children by $210. However, wealthy people can still take full deductions for their illegal nanny, gardener and pool boy.

Joe Brooks, who wrote the Oscar winning Best Song "You Light Up My Life" has been arrested for assaulting women he reportedly was auditioning for movie roles. Apparently these women were still looking at ads out of trade publications from 1974.

A report says CEOs are selling stock in their companies and not buying. The CEOs have sold $2.6 Billion worth of stock and bought only $120 Million. Mostly because their stock that used to be worth $2.6 Billion is now only worth $120 Million.

The world's population of people 65 and older will triple by the year 2050, according to a study. The good news is that restaurants will be one third less crowded by 6:00.

A study says that Americans are struggling to pay for health care. Apparently the study also found that GM is having a bad year and the housing industry is in trouble.

A study found that 17.4% of households have postponed or delayed health care because of the economy. Instead they are just saving that money in order to pay for their funeral.

A Disney Family Museum will open in a few months in San Francisco. Apparently fans are getting into the spirit of Disney theme parks by already forming a line to get in.

Southwest Airlines is going to start charging passengers $2 to $12 for Internet access on flights. Apparently the airline is tired of giving the service for free to people who get online and see how far their flight is behind schedule.

A New York couple will become the first to be married in zero gravity. Apparently the bride can tell everyone that when she was married she weighed practically nothing.

A New York couple will be the first to be married in zero gravity. Even though she weighs nothing, the bride will still be asking if her dress makes her butt look big.

The bad economy is being credited for better zoo attendance in several cities. Apparently many people have forgotten what it is like to be in a zoo since they were laid off from their jobs.

A British think tank analysis is casting doubt on the election in Iran. However, they still say it's not as bad as elections in Florida and Minnesota.

700 New York City teachers are being paid full wages to do nothing after being accused of misconduct. Until their hearings, they get paid to come to work and just sit there. Pretty much like all the other New York City teachers.

One quarter of U.S. employers have cut their 401K matching contributions since September. Apparently it's part of the new retirement plan which calls for employees to stuff anything extra they can save into their mattress.

A study says that Detroit cars are getting better but are still not as good as their foreign competitors. The researchers' first clue was when all the Detroit automakers went broke.

The budget crisis is threatening to devastate the California school system. Authorities are worried that children may graduate with the same English skills as Governor Schwarzenegger.

Dogs are being trained to sniff out diabetes danger in their owners. Wouldn't it be easier to train them to detect prostate problems?

An 83 year old man landed his plane safely on a Miami expressway. Apparently he confused a Holiday Inn with the control tower.

Lancaster, Pennsylvania will become the most watched city in the country with 165 planned security cameras. Apparently the town's authorities are trying to find out what people actually do in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted to having an affair with a woman in Argentina. He disappeared for a week with no one being able to contact him. A governor hasn't dropped off the radar that quickly since Mitt Romney ran for President.

Federal officials say they have reached a goal faster than planned on FBI identity checks for people who want to work or live in the U.S. Since the economy crashed, the FBI has been able to check all three people who still want to come here.

A study says that sugar can lower testosterone levels in men. Not as much as being seen using those pink sweetener packs in restaurants.

Jon and Kate say they are filing for divorce. Apparently even they are getting sick of hearing all about Jon and Kate.

Jon and Kate say they are filing for divorce. Apparently his infidelity and her diva attitude along with trying to keep ratings up on their reality TV show have taken a toll. When asked what it means for the kids, they replied "Kids?"

A study says that doctors don't inform patients about bad test results one in fourteen times. Apparently the people who don't get told they need to come back for more tests are people who don't have health insurance.

Naturists say that living more hours naked has a positive effect on global warming. Unless you live in Canada and have to crank the heat up twenty degrees higher.

An Oklahoma City woman has been arrested for trading sex for a bag of chips. Apparently it was a deal straight across. Frito-Lay.

An Oklahoma City woman has been arrested for trading sex for a bag of chips. Sex for snack foods? Apparently it was a case of giving a Ding-Dong to a Ho-Ho.

Citigroup will double its salaries to offset bonus cuts for executives. The company says it wants to stop the exodus of talent. Apparently the talent had pretty much already left by the time the company went completely broke.

The State Department says that no Iranian diplomats accepted invitations to 4th of July embassy parties. Apparently Iranian diplomats are not in the habit of planning of being around for anything more than 24 hours away.

California First Lady Maria Shriver says that Californians "want it all" without sacrifice. After being born into the Kennedy family, taking a job as a network news person and marrying a movie star, she knows what it's like to have to earn what you have.

North Korea is threatening to "Wipe the U.S. off the globe". Or they will just sit there and watch us do it for them.

Billionaire Warren Buffett says that investors would do better if they would take emotion out of investing. Of course, it's hard to invest these days without feelings of despair and hopelessness.

A study is linking teen acne to good heart health later in life. Apparently the male hormone that causes acne also prevents heart disease. That's the upside from also preventing any teenage social life.

A study says that people are more likely to perform a task if it is spoken into their right ear. In a related story, it has been revealed that Paris Hilton is deaf in her left ear.

The world's oldest handcrafted instruments were found in a cave in Germany. Researchers were amazed at the condition of both the 35,000 year old tuba and accordion.

Senator Joe Lieberman slammed a government run health care proposal saying it would be expensive and wouldn't work. In other words, why change from what we already have?

Senator Joe Lieberman slammed a government run health care proposal saying it would be expensive and wouldn't work. Besides, how would politicians make up for all those lost campaign contributions from hospitals and insurance and drug companies?

A study says that over-the-counter painkillers may prevent prostate problems. For one thing, they sure would make those exams a lot easier.

A study says that over-the-counter painkillers may prevent prostate problems. Just how are men taking those pills?

A study says that coffee can kill bacteria that leads to bad breath. However, a mouthful of Listerine is way cheaper than gulping down a $5 decaf latte from Starbucks.

A study says that coffee can kill bacteria that leads to bad breath. That is really good news for people who perform mouth to mouth resuscitation on Starbucks customers after they get their bill.

A Polish couple married and then filed for divorce on the same day. People around the world were shocked. There is still a place where that makes news?

Saudi Arabia and Libya are the top gift givers to U.S. officials. That is if you don't count Big Oil, Big Pharma and the health insurance industry.

Saudi Arabia and Libya are the top gift givers to U.S. officials. That's because countries that have oil are the only ones who still actually have any money these days.

California will have to issue IOUs as the state's financial crisis worsens. Apparently the state will be paying its bills with autographed pictures of Governor Schwarzenegger.

A report says that texting while driving is worse than drinking and driving. That means that blackberry wine is better to have in your car than your Blackberry.

Ralph Reed is launching a new conservative values group on the Internet. Apparently the thinking is that if people can navigate to a conservative values site without getting sidetracked by all the online porn, they pass the test.

Ralph Reed is launching a new conservative values group on the Internet. Apparently Senators David Vitter and John Ensign and Governor Mark Sanford gave everyone the idea the old conservative values aren't working really well.

A poll says 92% of people consider cheating on a spouse the worst immoral deed. The other 8% were men.

United Airlines is going to cut 600 flight attendant jobs. The good news is that it will result in an expected decrease of 35% in on-flight injuries from drink carts.

A study in Ireland says that too much time on the Internet is straining Irish marriages. Apparently there's barely enough time for getting drunk as it is.

A study in Ireland says that too much time on the Internet is straining Irish marriages. In other words, technologically they are ten years behind the U.S.

Americans are saving at the highest rate in fifteen years. Apparently it is much easier to save money when you don't have to make a mortgage or car payment any more.

The Florida Department of Banking and Finance says that ATM skimming is the latest scam, where people use gadgets to get information off bank cards. Officials say it is almost as big a scam as the ATM fees charged by banks.

A study says that smoking can result in migraine headaches. Especially when lighting up near a militant non-smoker.

A study says that cheerleading is still the most dangerous sport. Especially if the cheerleader is dating the entire football team.

The Silverdome stadium in Detroit is going on the auction block. The home of the Lions is being marketed as a getaway place that is mostly always nearly empty and extremely quiet.

A study says that kids who move a lot are more likely to try to commit suicide. Especially if one of the places they move to is Cleveland.

A study says that heavy kids are more likely to suffer from asthma. Apparently all that food stuffed into their mouths gets in the way of their breathing.

A California man who works three jobs won a $39 Million lottery prize. Apparently he will use the windfall to pay off his past due subprime mortgage loan.

An unnamed man spent $1.68 Million in an auction to have a one on one lunch with Warren Buffett. How much does this guy eat?

An unnamed man spent $1.68 Million in an auction to have a one on one lunch with Warren Buffett. The man is remaining anonymous in order to not let people know he was stupid enough to waste more than a million dollars on lunch.

An unnamed man spent $1.68 Million in an auction to have a one on one lunch with Warren Buffett. The Oracle of Omaha's first advice to the winner will be to quit being such a moron and do something smart with his money next time.

An unnamed man spent $1.68 Million in an auction to have a one on one lunch with Warren Buffett. If you have $1.68 Million to throw away on lunch, why do you need to talk to Warren Buffett?

A report says that alcohol was responsible for half of the deaths of men aged 15-54 in Russia in the 1990s. The other half were taken care of by the KGB.

A 103 year old man threw out the first pitch at a San Diego Padres baseball game. He then went on to strike out the first three Padre hitters.

1,500 inmates in a Philippines prison paid tribute to the late Michael Jackson by performing the dance from "Thriller". Prisoners always looked up to Jackson for being able to avoid prison himself all those times.

The annual picnic for Congress at the White House was done this year in a Hawaiian theme. Apparently Washington, D.C. is in the "aloha spirit". They have helped Americans say aloha to their retirement, to the economy, to their kids' college education...

President Eisenhower became the first President elected to the World Golf Hall of Fame. In a related story, President Clinton was the first President elected to the Hooter's Hall of Fame.

Michael Jordan's son Jeff is leaving college basketball to concentrate on his studies. Apparently he figured unless his dad cuts him out of the will completely, why work up a sweat?

Michael Jordan's son Jeff is leaving college basketball to concentrate on his studies. Apparently he has seen how setting your sights on a career as a pro athlete doesn't always pay off.

Michael Jordan's son Jeff is leaving college basketball to concentrate on his studies. Apparently he's not enough "Air Jordan" and too much "Air Ball".

Marquette basketball player Maurice Archer is skipping his last year of eligibility in order to graduate early. Of course, when an athlete graduates college early it means before they are buried.

The Oscars are making it tougher to win "Best Song". Nominees must now score a minimum of 8.25 out of 10 to win. Unfortunately, in the future that could eliminate classic standards like "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp", "Jai Ho" and "Al Otro Lado Del Rio".

A poll says that half of all Americans consider their pet to be a full part of the family. Mostly because their wife left them and took the kids.

Florida International University is cutting cheerleading from its budget. With a football team that posted a 5-7 record last year, what is there to cheer?

The University of Florida has an athletics budget of $89 Million for next year. Of course, none of that is for tutors or to help the athletes find jobs after using up their eligibility before they graduate.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A very sad week for celebrity watchers. Michael Jackson died at age 50, about which I showed considerable restraint in only writing two jokes about The Gloved One. At least Michael could have been more considerate about Farrah Fawcett. The news about her death was out barely two hours before Jackson stole all the headlines for the next several days. No respect for the Angel! But of course, both took away some of the thunder from a man who was satisfied in playing second banana, and doing it like no one else. Ed McMahon died earlier in the week at age 86. McMahon made headlines last year when he fell behind in his mortgage. The man was 86. How many years was that mortgage taken out for? McMahon claimed he fell behind when he was injured and couldn't work. Why does a man who was a Hollywood fixture for 40 years still need to work at 86? After the "Tonight Show", "Star Search" and "Bloopers & Practical Jokes"? Maybe Johnny was a cheapskate. Maybe Dick Clark was a bigger cheapskate. Maybe Ed just liked to spend money. I don't know. But another icon of comedy is gone, the sidekick to Johnny Carson. Now that would have been easy money. But Ed knew his job and he was always there to back up Johnny and jump in when a bit was dying. Some classic stuff there. We'll miss Ed. No real definable talent other than his voice but the Tonight Show wouldn't have been the same without him. I guess they all deserve our prayers...But save some love to throw back this way!

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  3:52 AM
Sunday, June 21, 2009
  Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Today is Father's Day! Or as dads in the NBA are called, "The Defendant"... Attorney General Eric Holder wants more laws against hate crimes. And that's just about what is being said about the Administration on Fox News and by Republican Congressmen.

President Obama beat out Brad Pitt as the "World's Most Stylish Man" in a poll by a British shirt company. Of course, it's tough to beat out a man who lives in the White House and has Air Force One at his disposal.

President Obama beat out Brad Pitt as the "World's Most Stylish Man" in a poll by a British shirt company. Although Matthew McConaughey was declared ineligible since he has never been seen in a shirt.

The Arizona State Senate has approved a bill allowing guns in bars and restaurants. Apparently state senators are working on taking care of slow service complaints about waiters and bartenders.

A new test has been developed that can reportedly detect Alzheimer's Disease in five minutes. Apparently all you do is ask the person to go get their car keys.

A study says that antidepressants may reduce male fertility. Ironically, most men don't need to start taking antidepressants until after they have children.

Nevada Senator John Ensign has admitted to having an extra-marital affair with a staff member. People were stunned. A congressional sex scandal that involved a Republican, straight sex and no hookers?

A U.S. Official says that Iran is not on the brink of revolution. In Actuality, the country has been in full scale revolt since the 5th Century.

Continental Airlines accidentally sent a ten year old girl who was bound for Cleveland to Newark instead. The airline apologized, saying "Cleveland, Newark...What's the difference?"

Baseball slugger Sammy Sosa tested positive for performance enhancing drugs back in 2003. Apparently he didn't quite mix up as good a batch as Mark McGwire's.

The AMA is objecting to calling obesity a disability. Apparently doctors stand to lose a lot of money in liposuction surgery once people have an incentive to stay fat.

A 15 year old Iowa girl is the latest texting champ, sending 14,000 text messages in a month. Apparently most of her texts were pleas to help get her out of Iowa.

A 15 year old Iowa girl is the latest texting champ, sending 14.000 text messages in a month. She won a $50,000 prize, which she will use to buy some thumb splints.

A 15 year old Iowa girl is the latest texting champ, sending 14,000 text messages in a month. She won a $50,000 prize. Apparently she will use some of the money to hire a tutor to help her when she has to repeat the tenth grade.

The Obama Administration is blocking access to the visitation list to the White House. Apparently they don't want Vice President Biden to know that everyone else is able to get in.

The CEO of electric car company Tesla Motors says people should be paying $10 a gallon at the pump. To which the oil companies said "Why didn't we think of that?"

Fewer immigrants were caught in the U.S. for the third straight year. The economy is so bad that border agents are letting illegals go by, knowing that they are just sneaking into the U.S. on their way up to Canada.

The Chinese city of Guangzhou is adopting a one-dog policy, giving multiple dog owners a tough choice to make. Of course that choice is "lunch" or "dinner".

President Obama says he loses sleep over fears of mounting deficits. As opposed to President Clinton, who lost sleep over wondering what Hillary was going to do to him after he was caught with Monica.

A Chicago middle school says that 60% of its students did not pass the 8th grade. Apparently those students are going to have to be satisfied with going to college at Arizona State University.

A Chicago middle school says that only 40% of its students passed the 8th grade. What's worse is that the teachers claimed at least that it was more than half.

A new analysis refutes a previous study that found there is a gene linked to depression. Which ironically caused the original research team to report a deep melancholy.

A ton of cocaine was seized in a shipment of frozen sharks on a Mexican ship. Now it is known why sharks reportedly never sleep.

A group of English scientists is claiming that fish learn like people. That's nothing new. Why do you think they hang out in schools? (That is SO old...)

A group of English scientists is claiming that fish learn like people. As any car salesman will tell you, all you have to do is bait the hook...

A German company is planning on selling gold from vending machines. And you thought people got violent with those machines when their candy bar got stuck on the way down...

The city council in Brooksville, Florida has passed a law requiring city workers to wear underwear and use deodorant. No one even knew they had a problem with French immigrants.

Hillary Clinton fractured her elbow and had to have surgery. Apparently she was caught by surprise when Bill started wearing a flak jacket over his ribs.

Hillary Clinton fractured her elbow and had to have surgery on it. Doctors say she should have a full recovery. In fact, they say she will be throwing China at Bill again in no time.

A Continental Airlines pilot died in flight from Brussels to Newark. Apparently he didn't bring any money to buy bottled water during the flight.

Billy Joel has reportedly split from his third wife. He is 60 and she is 27. Apparently when he told her she was in for some early nights and changing diapers, she thought he was talking about having children.

Congress says it may investigate Sammy Sosa for lying under oath about performance enhancing drugs after it was revealed he tested positive in 2003. If Sosa thought he could get away with lying to Congress, he should have testified about the War in Iraq or the economy.

A poll says that more people prefer the Internet as a news source than TV or radio. Apparently news is just too boring when it gets cluttered with all those facts.

A poll says that more people prefer the Internet as a news source than TV or radio. That's not why people are on the Internet. It sounds more like when people used to say they read Playboy Magazine for the articles.

A poll says that conservatives are the largest ideological group in the country at 40%, with 35% saying they are moderate and 21% claiming to be liberal. The other 4% are the few who still actually go out and vote.

A survey says that families are spending less time together while their time on the Internet is increasing. Survey results were posted on facebook.com and through tweets between family members.

CIA Director Leon Panetta says it is almost like Dick Cheney wants the U.S. to be attacked to justify the Bush Administration policies. The question is, why would anyone need to attack the U.S. after the condition the Bush Administration left it in?

A report says that foreign demand for U.S. financial assets has fallen. Economic experts were shocked. The U.S. has financial assets?

Bill Clinton says the U.S. is becoming more diverse. There are poor people who lost their jobs, poor people who went bankrupt after becoming sick and poor people who lost everything in the stock market.

Britain will conduct an inquiry into the War in Iraq. When they finally figure out why the war started, they need to tell us.

A study has linked a chemical in food containers to heart disease. Although the chemical is still not as bad for the heart as the food people put in the containers.

A study says that men who are wired now could become infertile later in life from heat coming from their laptop computers. Ironically, the same technology that gets them aroused may be keeping them from reproducing.

President Obama is calling the nation's health care system "a ticking time bomb". Pretty much like the health of most Americans.

President Obama says the nation's jobless rate will reach 10% this year. His immediate plan to cut the nation's unemployment rate in half is to give Michigan to Canada.

Los Angeles Police Chief William Bratton blamed rioting after the Lakers NBA Championship win on "knuckleheads". He also blamed robberies on "dummies" and assaults on "nincompoops".

President Obama compared the nation's health care system to GM. Of course Americans are like GM products. Oversized with big appetites and always breaking down.

New York City drivers have been identified as the angriest and most aggressive in the nation in a poll. What's amazing is that the poll was taken with New York City drivers.

New York City drivers have been identified as the angriest and most aggressive in the nation in a poll. Apparently the poll sent out ten drivers to conduct the survey and only three came back.

New York City drivers have been identified as the angriest and most aggressive in the nation in a poll, beating out the drivers in Miami. What's amazing is that the New York City drivers who were rated as the worst actually were in Miami at the time.

British Airways has asked its entire staff of 40,000 employees to work for free for a month to help the airline survive. If the company makes it through, management is considering adopting the policy permanently.

British Airways has asked its entire staff of 40,000 employees to work for free for a month to help the airline survive. To reward their efforts, the airline will only charge them half price for water and blankets.

Technical analyst Robert Prechter says the U.S. could lose its AAA credit rating by the end of 2010. Apparently the rating is good until we actually have borrowed more than the entire world is worth.

Social networking site myspace.com has laid off 30% of its work force. Apparently the bad economy is forcing even pedophiles to work so many hours they don't have time to prey on kids online.

Former President George W. Bush took some shots at President Obama's policies, saying the private sector will have to lead the country out of the current economic crisis. Unfortunately, the Bush Administration left the private sector in just as bad as shape as the government.

Former President George W. Bush took some shots at President Obama's policies, saying the private sector will have to lead the country out of the current economic crisis. Of course, it was Bush's policies that got us into the crisis in the first place.

The Senate has passed a resolution apologizing for slavery. That means in another 150 years, we can expect an apology from Washington for the War in Iraq and the current economic disaster.

Prince William says he wants to fight on the front line of combat like his brother. Of course, a combat zone for members of the Royal Family means playing pub darts with sharpened tips.

Prince William says he wants to fight on the front line of combat like his brother. Of course, a combat zone for members of the Royal Family means opening champagne bottles without protection.

A Swedish study says that good sex makes for better workers. Just make sure you aren't bending over when your boss reads about it.

A Swedish study says that good sex makes for better workers. That is going to make for some awkward moments during contract negotiations.

A Swedish study says that good sex makes for better workers. That is going to take away being married as a desirable qualification for employment.

Researchers in Japan say that vinegar can prevent fat accumulation. It works. Try it in a recipe some time and see how much people eat.

Some video games can make children kinder. You can tell which ones those are by the way they sit on the shelves at stores for years.

Some video games can make children kinder. Apparently "Grand Theft Auto" is not on that list.

Cher says she supports her daughter Chastity's planned sex change. In fact, Cher has even offered to give Chastity the name of a good body parts man.

A study says that more dads are working longer hours. Mostly looking for a decent job in this economy.

A study says that more dads are working longer hours. At least the dads whose kids are planning to go to college.

Representative Michelle Bachman from Minnesota says she won't answer the questions on her Census form. Apparently she doesn't want anyone to know she is a member of a very tiny minority group. Republicans.

A poll says fewer Americans support rebuilding the health care system than did during the Clinton Administration. Of course, they remember that back then Hillary was put in charge and things just got worse.

The number of speedbumps around Washington, D.C. has increased from 157 to 691 in just two years' time. In fact the streets are getting almost as full of them as Congress.

A study in Japan says that chubby people actually live longer than skinny people. The study was going to be conducted in the U.S. but no one could find any skinny people.

A study in Japan says that chubby people actually live longer than skinny people. Of course, chubby people in Japan are called skinny people in the U.S.

The White House says it will use the Census to better count the number of gay couples in the U.S. Apparently they are planning on handing out the Census forms at The Pottery Barn.

The CIA is reportedly recruiting laid off bankers in New York City. Apparently they are using them to consult on how to destroy the economies of our enemies.

The U.SN. says the world's hungry is now over a billion people. That's at least one problem America is apparently not guilty of contributing to.

A 113 year old British man is now the world's oldest. Fortunately, they were able to verify his age without having to use dental records.

Nestle has recalled Toll House cookie dough after reports of people becoming ill after eating the dough raw. In fact, it is almost as unhealthy as eating the cookies after they are baked.

Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf has surrendered to Texas authorities on burglary and drug charges. Apparently he knew it was just a matter of time before he was intercepted.

Robbers got away with pot and cash from a Los Angeles medical marijuana store. However, they were caught three hours later right down the street at a Mrs. Fields cookie shop.

Records show the FBI tried to stop the porn movie "Deep Throat" from being distributed in 1972. Where were these agents in 2000 for "Battlefield Earth"?

Historic planes drew crowds to the 100th Paris Air Show. People were amazed to see vintage airline planes that actually had seats that passengers could fit into.

California regulators say that marijuana causes cancer. To which pot enthusiasts are asking if it is possible to administer chemotherapy through a bong?

The Obama Administration is looking to colleges to recruit future spies. Mostly starting with the students who use their cell phones and i-Pods to cheat in class.

An Indianapolis cemetery is offering grave sites in a two for one deal. If you can't keep up with the cost of living, who can pass up a deal like this on the cost of dying?

The Supreme Court has tightened the rules for age discrimination lawsuits. That's pretty easy to do when your own job is guaranteed for life.

The Supreme Court has tightened the rules for age discrimination lawsuits. That's because most of them don't even get hired for their job until they are way past retirement age.

Skateboard champ Tony Hawk was boarding through the White House as part of a Fathers' Day celebration. It's the first time a Hawk was in the White House since Dick Cheney left town.

The Travel Channel is looking for the nation's "worst drivers" for a TV reality show. Apparently the winner of the competition gets to go one on one in a demolition derby against Billy Joel.

The Travel Channel is looking for the nation's "worst drivers" for a TV reality show. Apparently the rules say the contestants must be U.S. citizens, otherwise it would be a tie between all the New York City cab drivers.

Iowa offensive lineman Kyle Calloway was arrested for drunk driving on a moped. His defense will be that it would be hard enough for a football lineman to ride a moped while sober.

Iowa offensive lineman Kyle Calloway was arrested for drunk driving on a moped. Which is why the best football players make sure to go to a university that can at least has a decent transportation budget.

A Miami high school will be named in honor of former NBA star Alonzo Mourning who was picked over former Attorney General Janet Reno. City leaders went with Mourning despite the fact that Reno recently took him in a slam dunk contest.

The NASCAR Hall of Fame is scheduled to open to the public in May, 2010 in Charlotte. The museum is trying to recreate the atmosphere of an actual NASCAR race. There will be grease, loud noise and strong smells. And that's just the fans.

The NASCAR Hall of Fame is scheduled to open to the public in May, 2010 in Charlotte. The highlight of the museum will be the life sized sculpture of Dale Earnhardt made entirely from nacho cheese.

A British newspaper says that between six and twelve men will be watched during the Wimbledon Tennis Championships for fixing matches. Suspicion was aroused when one of the players showed up for a match wearing a swim suit and street shoes.

A British newspaper says that between six and twelve men will be watched during the Wimbledon Tennis Championships for fixing matches. The first clue something was not right was when some of the men played their matches with a cab running just outside the court.

Pennsylvania horse racing officials are investigating if a veterinarian used a gun to euthanize a horse at a track. The usual method to put a horse down is to give them some of Alex Rodriguez's discarded steroids.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you had a Happy Father's Day. I remember calling my father for Father's Day and having a thirty second phone conversation, which is the most I could ever get out of him at one time. Fortunately, he left the guilt and expressions of disappointment up to my mother. If nothing else, having a child around is always a way to send some love. If you have any left over, make sure to send a little over this way!



































  3:31 AM
Sunday, June 14, 2009
  Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...The Lakers could wrap up the NBA title tonight...In other words...Let the riots begin! Researchers say that Botox can help the quality of life of people with overactive bladders. Mostly because after Botox treatments, people always have that look on their face like they need to use the restroom.

A study says that poor sleep quality could increase a person's risk of death. Well, knowing that will certainly make them sleep better.

A study says that wind speeds have been dropping across the U.S. since 1973. Wasn't that right around the time people had to start driving 55 mph?

A White House task force says there will be no more automaker bailouts. Mostly because all the American car companies have officially gone broke.

Molson Brewery says it will cut off its free beer supply to its retirees in Canada. Which pretty much takes away the only reason anyone in Canada wants to retire.

A report says that college graduates are passing up working on Wall Street to take government jobs in Washington. Apparently they realize that no matter what happens, the government can always just print more money.

Chastity Bono, the daughter of Sonny and Cher is getting a sex change. The only question is from what to what?

Chastity Bono, the daughter of Sonny and Cher is getting a sex change. Ironically, that's the one thing that Cher hasn't had changed.

The AMA is opposing a proposed government health care plan. Apparently the doctors are concerned that the first patient to go under the knife will be their wallets.

France's highest court says the Internet is a basic human right. That puts it right up there with the right to avoid personal hygiene and to always be snide, rude and pompous.

Americans' net worth dropped $1.3 Trillion in the first quarter of 2009. Who even knew we had that much left?

Americans' net worth dropped $1.3 Trillion in the first quarter of 2009. Even GM and Chrysler executives were impressed with those numbers.

Fiat was given the OK to buy up Chrysler's good assets. Which pretty much means the executives' office furniture and desk sets.

Golfer John Daly says he can still salvage a great career. Even Jean Van de Velde is taking odds on that one.

The St. Jude's Classic golf tournament had to trim its purse by a half million dollars this year. The tournament is just happy they didn't sign with GM or Chrysler for sponsorship.

The government has spent $2.5 Billion on alternative medicines with virtually no success. The only success is that the government was able to limit its losses to $2.5 Billion.

The government has spent $2.5 Billion on alternative medicines with virtually no success. Now it's back to spending $2.5 Trillion on Big Pharma with pretty much the same results.

Members of Congress are suffering through the bad economy with financial losses just like their constituents. Apparently even the lobbyists are having to cut back on their bribe money.

The British health care system is running in debt and may have to cut back on dental service, fertility treatments and cutting edge drugs. Forget the other services. How much more can they possibly cut back on dental care?

The British health care system is running in debt and may have to cut back on dental service, fertility treatments and cutting edge drugs. The proposed cuts are already drawing protests from Jewel, the Octomom and Amy Winehouse.

The earth could hit either Mars, Venus or Mercury in the next few billion years, according to computer simulations. Insurance companies are already using the models as a basis to raise their homeowner premiums.

The earth could hit either Mars, Venus or Mercury in the next few billion years, according to computer simulations. Now that we have that out of the way, maybe we can use some of those computer models to say, forecast the weather correctly?

The earth could hit either Mars, Venus or Mercury in the next few billion years, according to computer simulations. Don't worry, all indications are the planet will avoid slamming into Uranus. (That is SO juvenile...but funny!)

North Korea has sentenced two U.S. journalists to twelve years of hard labor. To which President Bush said "Why didn't I think of that?"

North Korea has sentenced two U.S. journalists to twelve years of hard labor. That's only fitting since journalists in this country haven't really done any work since Bill Clinton left office.

A frog that constantly changes color is being worshiped as a god in India. It's the first case of worship based on an idol that changes color since Michael Jackson.

California is contemplating doing away with welfare in order to save money. That would mean the only charity case left in the state would be the Clippers.

President Obama wants to tax the wealthy to pay for his proposed health care reform. Of course, the only people who have any money these days are doctors and health insurance companies.

Sweden's Free Internet Pirate Party actually won a seat in Parliament. Apparently it is the legislator who is wearing a patch, peg leg and goes around saying "Aaaargh!"

Miss California Carrie Prejean has lost her title for breach of contract. In other words, Donald Trump couldn't milk any more publicity out of her.

Phil Spector was photographed in jail being bald as his wig was confiscated by prison security. You mean he let his hair look the way it did during his trial and it wasn't even his? That's got to be worth an insanity plea in itself.

Congressional Democrats want mental and dental care for all Americans as part of health care reform. If that happens, Alabama and California could wipe out the system by themselves.

Colleges in India have banned jeans for women to stop harassment. If that doesn't work, they don't know what else they can do to get the women to stop making the men harass them.

The New GM Chairman, Edward Whitacre admits he knows nothing about cars. Apparently that was pretty much how GM has hired all their executives since 1973.

Senators Joe Lieberman and Lindsay Graham vow they will shut down the Senate if harsh interrogation photos are released. The question is, how will anyone know when they actually do it?

China has become the world's second biggest military spender after the U.S. What's really amazing is that they are keeping up with us even without wasting billions of dollars on Iraq and Halliburton.

Harvard researchers are developing a drug that could jump start couch potatoes by giving them an urge for physical activity. The first people who would be given the drug are Harvard researchers.

A war contracting report says that billions of dollars were wasted in Iraq and Afghanistan. That will be filed right along the reports that say billions of dollars were wasted on GM, Chrysler, Wall Street and bank bailouts.

A war contracting report says that billions of dollars were wasted in Iraq and Afghanistan. Congress immediately hailed the report, taking credit for creating all the jobs that went along with it.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford will accept $700 Million of stimulus money "under duress". Apparently he was torn between taking what he considers a complete waste of taxpayer money and his political career.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford will accept $700 Million of stimulus money "under duress". It's the first time in recent memory a politician actually questioned a handout.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle at La Guardia Airport. Apparently she was getting practice for the number of times Senate Republicans will try to trip her up during her confirmation hearing.

A two year old English girl has been measured to have an I.Q. of 160, as high as Bill Gates and Jimmy Carter. After which her parents reportedly started hitting her repeatedly on the head.

A two year old English girl has been measured to have an I.Q. of 160. Which immediately made her more qualified to run GM or Chrysler than the current team of executives.

The CBS Evening News had its all time lowest viewership last week, ever since Nielsen started keeping records. In fact, Katie Couric's colon got better ratings than Katie Couric's anchoring.

The CBS Evening News had its all time lowest viewership last week, ever since Nielsen started keeping records. It's gotten to the point where to save time and effort, Katie Couric will just read the news to all their viewers on a phone conference call.

A poll says that 45% of Americans would favor Republicans controlling the economy with 39% favoring Democrats controlling the economy. The other 16% asked "What economy?"

Former President George H.W. Bush celebrated his 85th birthday by skydiving over Maine. He wanted to see if he could free fall as fast as his son's political ratings.

President Obama is pitching a pay-as-you-go spending plan. That is opposed to the current government policy of pay-as-you-go-broke.

Mike Tyson married his girlfriend in Las Vegas. After the ceremony the minister had already proclaimed the marriage at the count of 7.

Mike Tyson married his girlfiend in Las Vegas. He picked that location as it was also the setting for some of his other most memorable fights.

Male breast reduction surgery is becoming more popular around the country. The sad part is that millions of men who always wanted to have a set of large breasts available have finally gotten their wish.

House Democrats are considering a plan that requires Americans to buy affordable health insurance. Once that passes they will consider a plan that requires Americans to buy an affordable Ferrari.

House Democrats are considering a plan that requires Americans to buy affordable health insurance. Apparently the plan they are looking at even allows patients to go to the veterinarian of their choice.

House Democrats are considering a plan that requires Americans to buy affordable health insurance. Anyone not buying into the plan would be charged a penalty. Don't we already have that? I think it's called "bankruptcy".

The Supreme Court ruled a West Virginia Judge must recuse himself from a case where a litigant gave the judge a substantial campaign donation. The Supreme Court says judges must avoid the appearance of bias. After which they pledged next time they will select a Democratic President.

Barry Bonds' wife has filed for divorce after ten years of marriage. Bonds says she can have the house and car. What he is really worried about is that she will go after half his jewelry.

British researchers say stress can help a person live longer. That's more bad news for the Royal Family.

British researchers say stress can help a person live longer. After the report was released, Heather Mills immediately received thousands of marriage proposals.

Reports of computer injuries from falling equipment are increasing. Mostly when men's wives catch them trying to hook up on Internet chat rooms.

Starbucks rang up double charges on millions of customers over a recent two day period due to a computer glitch. The worst part was that nobody even noticed.

Congress has approved a "cash for clunkers" plan that gives tax credits to people trading in their old gas guzzlers. Which makes it another GM bailout that this time cuts out the middle man.

Congress has approved a "cash for clunkers" pan that gives tax credits to people trading in their old gas guzzlers. "Cash for clunkers" used to be a code word for auto industry lobbyist payoffs to Congressmen.

U.S. airlines are reporting more on time flights from a year ago. Apparently the FAA simply moved up last call time at airport pilot's lounges.

The number of households on the verge of losing going into foreclosure dropped in May. That's great news for the five families who still up to date on their mortgage payments.

The risk of fractures doubles after obesity surgery according to a study. Apparently people are tripping over their own feet after not being able to see them in years.

A study says that sleep deprivation is tied to weight gain. Apparently not sleeping just gives people more time to eat.

U.S. video game sales dropped 23% in May. Apparently the economy is so bad that slackers are putting down "Grand Theft Auto" and actually stealing cars.

"The View" co-host Joy Behar is going to have her own talk show on HLN. Apparently even she is tired of not getting a chance to get in a word edgewise on "The View".

162,000 women's robes have been recalled after reports of six deaths. How lazy have we gotten that even lounging around in a robe is becoming deadly?

The University of Alabama football team has been stripped of 21 wins by the NCAA. Apparently athletes were giving away their scholarship paid textbooks to other students. Authorities became suspicious when athletes started trying to buy textbooks.

The University of Alabama football team has been stripped of 21 wins by the NCAA. Or as Stanford calls 21 wins, "a pretty good decade".

San Francisco is requiring residents to separate food scraps to be collected and used as compost. To which people of Mississippi are saying "What are food scraps?"

San Francisco is requiring residents to separate food scraps to be collected and used as compost. The problem is, what San Franciscans eat mostly IS compost.

A survey says that most couples don't talk about retirement. Actually, when the subject comes up they just look at each other and laugh.

A new superheavy element, #112 has been added to the periodic table. How fat are we getting that even our elements are classified as "superheavy"?

A new superheavy element, #112 has been added to the periodic table. When asked how often a new element is added, physicists say "periodically". (Sorry)

GM and Chrysler executives are defending the closing of car dealerships across the country as a way to save jobs. Theirs.

A single parking space in Boston has sold for $300,000. Apparently the prime spot sits right in front of a Starbucks.

A single parking spot in Boston has sold for $300,000. The only more expensive parking space in the city is I-95.

Two people were arrested trying to smuggle $134 Billion in U.S. Bonds into Switzerland. Apparently they were trying to exchange it straight across for a wheel of Swiss Cheese.

A report says that Federal Stimulus fraud could hit $50 Billion. That's not even counting Congress.

A poll says that 80% of Americans are against health care coverage for illegal aliens. The other 20% of Americans are illegal aliens.

President Obama wrote a note for a ten year old Wisconsin girl who missed school to hear him speak. Apparently he excused her by saying that Dick Cheney ate her homework.

President Obama wrote a note for a ten year old Wisconsin girl who missed school to hear him speak. One embarrassing moment happened when out of habit President Obama started to write her an IOU.

President Obama wrote a note for a ten year old Wisconsin girl who missed school to hear him speak. It was the first note he has written in office that wasn't an apology for something said by Vice President Biden.

A study says that frequent rigorous exercise raises the risk of heart irregularities. Obviously, the study wasn't performed in the U.S.

A report says that stress can turn a person's hair gray. Just look what working for NBC for 17 years has done to Jay Leno.

A report says that stress can turn a person's hair gray. Just look at what one season of dealing with Simon Cowell on "American Idol" did to Taylor Hicks.

Marijuana advocates want to put a bill legalizing pot on the ballot in California. If the proponents get right on it, they think they may actually be able to get the paperwork done in time for the 2024 election.

General Motors is considering a name change for the company when they come out of bankruptcy. Three suggestions to describe the company are General Malaise, General Incompetence and General Custer.

General Motors is considering a name change for the company when they come out of bankruptcy. So far the suggestions of Yugo, Edsel and Corvair have already been taken.

Analog television ended forever on Friday, with all TV stations broadcasting completely in digital. Although a few stubborn viewers are still insisting they can pick up the DuMont on their rabbit ears.

Analog television ended forever on Friday, with all TV stations broadcasting completely in digital. Apparently as many as three million unprepared homes are still without TV after the switch. These households are called "CBS viewers".

Analog television ended forever on Friday, which has left campers complaining of the difficulty of picking up a digital signal. These people consider "roughing it" leaving the PlayStation at home and having to rely on the DS.

Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon was fined $1,000 for slow play. What does someone have to do to get fined for slow play in baseball, miss the team flight?

A math model can cut down on phantom traffic jams in big cities that are caused by no apparent reason. The math model says there are too many cars and not enough roads.

Amusement parks operator Six Flags has filed for bankruptcy. The company waves six flags over its parks, and they are now white.

A 96 year old Taiwanese man has graduated with a master's degree in philosophy. To which he said "Now what?"

A 96 year old Taiwanese man has graduated with a master's degree in philosophy. He says he passed his tests by performing all-nighters. That means he stayed up studying until 7:00 pm.

A 96 year old Taiwanese man has graduated with a master's degree in philosophy. He says the toughest part was convincing the college to give him a long term student loan.

The world's airlines are expected to lose $9 Billion collectively this year. No kidding. After being waterboarded by airport security, losing luggage and paying for blankets and water, most people see hitchhiking as a viable alternative for travel.

Ralph Nader's suit against the Democratic Party concerning the 2004 election was rejected by a federal appeals court. The court says the suit was filed too late. He should have filed it when he was relevant back in 1968.

Golfer turned broadcaster Nick Faldo will be knighted by Queen Elizabeth. He is used to being treated as royalty. What two professions other than golf and broadcasting do even less work than the Royal Family?

Nearly half of all Americans say they would have robotic surgery done over the Internet. That's if they have a good health care plan. People with HMOs get the option of having a doctor in China texting surgical instructions to a correspondence course student.

PETA has picked the Philadelphia Phillies' ball park as the top veggie friendly park in the majors. The new Yankee Stadium would have been considered, but food experts are still trying to figure out exactly what the ball park hot dogs are made from.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Remember, these jokes are all made in the U.S.A. No outsourcing here. Although some of them may have started out in a foreign language and lost most of their meaning in translation. However, you are all encouraged to send the love in any language you like!









  3:46 AM
Sunday, June 07, 2009
  Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...School is out! That means students by now have already forgotten half of what they learned in the past year... Angelina Jolie has been named the "Most Powerful Celebrity" in the world. I guess that refutes the claims that Barack Obama is a celebrity.

Angelina Jolie has been named the "Most Powerful Celebrity" in the world. Mostly because she got Brad Pitt.

Angelina Jolie has been named the "Most Powerful Celebrity" in the world, beating out Oprah Winfrey. Apparently walking on water doesn't pull the top spot any more.

Angelina Jolie has been named the "Most Powerful Celebrity" in the world. She was chosen because of her ability to get seated at Spago unannounced.

The "Most Powerful Celebrity" list did not have any white men in the top five. Apparently that whole GM-Wall Street-mortgage-economic meltdown thing has left a bad taste in peoples' mouths.

A new surgery to combat obesity leaves no outer marks. How fat are we getting that surgical scars are able to be hidden between the rolls of fat?

Hawaiian Governor Linda Lingle is ordering three day unpaid furloughs for state workers. What will those poor people have to do with that time off in Hawaii?

Hawaiian Governor Linda Lingle has ordered three day unpaid furloughs for state workers. Which will make absolutely no difference for anyone already standing in line at the DMV.

A study at the University of Michigan says that when women bond it increases the hormone progesterone which boosts their well being. No wonder Manny Ramirez seemed so relaxed even when he was suspended.

Elizabeth Edwards is opening a furniture store in North Carolina. Her first customer was John Edwards, who bought a couch on which he could sleep on downstairs.

FEMA is planning on putting evacuees from future hurricane disasters in foreclosed homes. If they give them all a GM vehicle to use that will be a way to tie in three disasters all at once.

A new book says the Obama marriage was hurt with his congressional run in 2000 that he lost. Apparently being able to take Air Force One to a Broadway show and dinner in New York City from the White House has a way of working out some of the little things.

The IRS has filed an $800 Thousand lien against John Kerry's 2004 Presidential Campaign. They would have better luck going after GM, Chrysler and AIG.

The IRS has filed an $800 Thousand lien against John Kerry's 2004 Presidential Campaign. Apparently all that is left is a desk, phone and three million "Kerry-Edwards" buttons.

A CNN Poll says that President Bush and Dick Cheney are gaining in popularity. Mostly because everyone is relieved they are out of office and can't do any more damage.

A CNN Poll says that President Bush and Dick Cheney are gaining in popularity. Mostly because while they were in office there wasn't much other direction for their numbers to go.

It has been twenty years since the protests at Tienanmen Square in China. As the anniversary approached, police saturated the square, journalists were banned and Internet sites were shut down. Otherwise known as "Tuesday".

A poll says that half of all Americans say that torture is sometimes justified. Mostly if used on Jon or Kate.

A study says that heavy, drowsy truck drivers are a risk on the road because they may suffer from sleep apnea. Apparently it gets really bad when the trucker can only be weighed on the truck scales.

A study says that heavy, drowsy truck drivers are a risk on the road because they may suffer from sleep apnea. It took a study to determine that drowsy drivers can be a risk?

The FDA has approved a cancer drug for dogs. That's great! Now maybe they can start working on one for people.

The FDA has approved a cancer drug for dogs. Apparently dogs have a better health plan than most Americans.

A study says that wealth, fame and good looks are a formula for anxiety and not happiness. Mostly because they are always being pestered by poor, unknown and ugly people.

A study says that wealth, fame and good looks are a formula for anxiety and not happiness. Otherwise known as sour grapes from researchers.

A study says that wealth, fame and good looks are a formula for anxiety and not happiness. Apparently those people haven't forgotten about MC Hammer.

A study says that most people replace half their friends every seven years. I believe it is called "divorce".

Ohio State Troopers are fighting a rule that says they may be dismissed for being overweight. Apparently the state would like them to at least be able to squeeze into the patrol car.

Ohio State Troopers are fighting a rule that says they may be dismissed for being overweight. Apparently the union cry of "solidarity" has been replaced by "solid".

The new CEO of Playboy says he is looking for multiple partners for licensing deals. Playboy hasn't had a CEO interested in multiple partners since Hugh Hefner.

A study says that low glycogen levels could be the cause of people becoming violent drunks. The study says that such people may be avoiding medication or missing meals. Or perhaps they should stay away from the booze.

A study says that low glycogen levels could be the cause of people becoming violent drunks. This could possibly explain...Hollywood.

A Chinese company is buying Hummer from GM. With China in control, the gas in the tank will be the only thing about this vehicle that is unleaded.

Starbucks is spending more than $10 Million for sponsorship of the "Morning Joe" show on MSNBC. Apparently it's a trade out that means Starbucks will supply the show with free coffee for a week.

A study says that New Zealand is the most peaceful country in the world. Which pretty much means they don't have any oil.

A study says that New Zealand is the most peaceful country in the world, and the U.S. is in 83rd place. Apparently our position may improve once we get out of Iraq and Afghanistan and stop threatening North Korea, Pakistan and Iran.

The head of the Global Peace Index says there is a correlation between peace and wealth. Apparently they have never dealt with Naomi Campbell.

Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty says he will not run for a third term. Of course, in Minnesota a fourth term may be needed just to get through the vote count for the third term.

A woman flying from Chile to Spain was caught with a suitcase made entirely from cocaine. Apparently suspicion was aroused when the suitcase was found to be full of nothing but razor blades and straws.

Former Vice President Cheney says he has a strong belief in waterboarding. Mostly because thumbscrews can be so messy.

Former Vice President Cheney says he has a strong belief in waterboarding. At this point mostly just for Supreme Court nominees.

The FBI says violent crime in Detroit is down 10%. The economy is so bad, even the criminals are taking early retirement.

The FBI says violent crime in Detroit is down 10%. Now that GM is bankrupt, it's hard to find a getaway car any more.

The Octomom has signed a contract to write a book. The working title is "I Can't Believe I'm Not Pregnant".

Doctors are researching how music can regulate the heart, boost hormones and cure people. On the other hand, they are trying to figure out how rappers always turn up dead.

Doctors are researching how music can regulate the heart, boost hormones and cure people. I don't know about the other two, but boosting hormones is definitely all about Barry White.

A study says that too much TV viewing can delay an infant's speech. Especially if the child is watching "The View" and can't get a word in edgewise.

Mobile Internet will soon be available in some cars. This could make people become nostalgic for the days when people were only talking non-stop on their cell phone while driving.

Mobile Internet will soon be available in some cars. This will save some people time when checking online to see if their company has gone bankrupt before having to drive all the way in to the office.

Former Vice President Cheney says if Gitmo Prison is shut down, terrorists should be executed instead. That's one guy who sure knows how to get the prisoners to stop complaining.

Millvina Dean, the last survivor of the Titanic has died at 97. She called it the worst maritime disaster in history. Next to Kathie Lee Gifford.

Millvina Dean, the last survivor of the Titanic has died at 97. Now Leonardo DiCaprio will finally stop getting those calls to "Lay one more on my lips, hot stuff!"

New Orleans has regained the title of murder capital of the U.S. FEMA says no one can complain any more that they haven't done their job of getting things back to normal.

The government now officially owns GM with the bankruptcy filing. Politicians are now in charge of selling cars. Car salesmen around the country are worried about what this will do to their reputations.

A poll says one in five Americans has a favorable view of Muslim countries. Mostly the one in five that own stock in oil companies.

A poll says one in five Americans has a favorable view of Muslim countries. The other four live in the south.

A Continental pilot says a rocket or missile was fired near his jet over Texas. These are serious charges, as jet hunting season in Texas doesn't start until July.

Medical specialists are warning of "cell phone elbow" from continuous talking on the cell phone. If you are developing elbow problems with your cell phone, you are dialing all wrong.

Medical specialists are warning of "cell phone elbow" from continuous cell phone use. How lazy have we become? Remember when people used to injure their elbows by actually doing something, like playing tennis? What's next, a neck brace from not being able to use your hand to hold the phone to your ear?

A Vatican Official is lamenting a drop in people going to confession. Apparently it was one of the last really fun things about being a priest.

Nancy Reagan says she still sees the ghost of Ronald Reagan in the hallways of her home. Either that or her neighbor Larry King keeps walking into the wrong home.

Mitt Romney says that GM should be given to the people, since the taxpayers own it. The taxpayers are saying the banks and insurance companies are plenty for now, thanks.

Twitter is going to be used in a psychic experiment where people will test their power of telepathy. As long as their extra sensory visions come in at 140 characters or less.

Former Vice President Cheney says that gay marriage is OK, a long as states are given the decision. And that the Supreme Court has the power to tell them "No".

Mitt Romney says he won't rule out a run at the 2012 Presidential Election. Even Ralph Nader is saying that some people don't know when to quit.

Money orders from the U.S. to Mexico dropped 18% in April. Apparently the people in Mexico are telling their relatives up north the dollars they are sending aren't worth the cost of postage any more.

A report says that one in six dollars in American income are from a Federal or State check. That's mostly because we are now paying those GM executive salaries with taxpayer money.

New York City luxury apartments are being used to house the homeless. Of course, many of those homeless people used to live in the luxury apartments before they invested with Bernard Madoff.

Whitney Houston will release a new CD in September, her first in seven years. She was married fourteen years to Bobby Brown. Apparently it took the second seven years of the marriage to come back down from being so high the first seven.

The IRS may seek licenses for tax preparers. Apparently the IRS wants to deputize them with their own license to steal.

A report says that dead people may have voted in the Minnesota election in November. If they weren't dead when they voted, a lot of them have died since in the time it has taken them to count the votes.

A report says that dead people may have voted in the Minnesota election in November. In a related story, Rod Blagojevich says he is planning to move to Minnesota and run for Governor next election.

A study says that medical bills are behind 60% of all U.S. bankruptcies. The other 40% are from funeral costs for the people who couldn't get health care in the first place.

A study says that medical bills are behind 60% of all U.S. bankruptcies. The other 40% are from the usual. Executives stealing company money and taxpayers' bailout funds for their massive bonuses.

Executives from Countrywide Mortgage have been charged with fraud. The evidence so far is confined to pretty much every mortgage they approved.

A Kentucky pastor is inviting the members of his church to bring guns to service. Apparently he will be able to tell quickly when his sermon has gone on a bit too long.

A study says the recession is pushing the cost of prescription drugs out of reach for many Americans. It's so bad that apparently many people are actually having to adapt to a healthy lifestyle in order to survive.

Research shows that 10% of the people on Twitter are making 90% of the tweets. That's because most people can't get out a thought in less than 140 characters.

The unemployment rate is up to 9.4%, the highest in 25 years. For the people who keep pining for the Reagan years, here you go again...

25 Million Americans are either unemployed, underemployed or have given up looking for work. No one had any idea that many people live in Michigan.

The White House will appoint a "Pay Czar" to make sure companies receiving bailout money are adhering to executive pay rules. Apparently it will be their duty to make sure executives are just grossly overcompensated and not obscenely overpaid.

A Pennsylvania high school student was tasered after refusing to put down his cell phone. Now all we need to do is to get these officers to start patrolling movie theaters once in awhile.

A Gallup Poll says that Dick Cheney is more popular than Nancy Pelosi. And both of them are just below syphilis.

A new show on Fox called "I Married A Stranger" will end up with an arranged marriage to a complete stranger. Otherwise known as "Online dating".

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas made $300,000 last year for his autobiography. Of course, some of the money goes to Justice Antonin Scalia who actually wrote it.

Tennessee lawmakers have voted to allow letting people take guns into bars. Alcohol, firearms and Tennesseans. Pick any two of those and you are looking for trouble.

Tennessee lawmakers have voted to allow letting people take guns into bars. Tennessee voters were shocked. You mean it used to be against the law?

The demolition of Tiger Stadium in Detroit has been stopped by court order. Apparently the wrecking crew was supposed to dismantle GM Headquarters first.

The demolition of Tiger Stadium in Detroit has been stopped by court order. Apparently fans are contending that it's too late now.

A Virginia clinic is giving away free Botox injections to people who are unemployed. Apparently people who go in to job interviews with a permanent smile have a better chance at getting the job.

Some states are cutting back on the amount of food they are giving to prisoners. They should be careful. That's the only thing keeping them from slipping through the bars,

The U.S. lost just 345,000 jobs in May. Labor experts were surprised. No one had any idea there were 345,000 jobs left going into May.

The Polka has been eliminated as a category at the Grammy Awards. That could end the twenty five year run as best song for the "Chicken Dance".

The Polka has been eliminated as a category at the Grammy Awards. That takes away one of the best reasons to wear Lederhosen to the annual event.

Researchers say that laughter may come from an ancestor shared with humans and apes 10 Million years ago. This explains the move to comedy roles by Sylvester Stallone.

Brett Favre is still retired, according to his agent. Of course, if he is still retired why does he have an agent?

Brett Favre is still retired, according to his agent. Apparently Favre keeps an agent around to help him decide if he is retiring or not.

Michigan is shutting three prisons to save money. There is no reason to keep anyone in jail. Prison officials know if they let inmates out there is no way any of them are staying in Michigan.

Bill Gates is telling other billionaires they should give away their money like he is and that they would enjoy it. Many former billionaires have already given away much of their money. They owned GM stock.

Bill Gates is telling other billionaires they should give away their money like he is and that they would enjoy it. People become billionaires in the first place by giving away money. Other people's money.

An 11 year old boy who graduated from East Los Angeles College says that does not make him a genius. He says he studied hard to get to college early because he didn't think he could survive going to East Los Angeles elementary schools.

An 11 year old boy who graduated from East Los Angeles College says that does not make him a genius. He says he went to college at a young age so he could pay off his tuition loans before he retires.

Wal-Mart says it will create 22,000 jobs in 2009. The jobs it will create will be filled by people who work in stores currently being forced out of business by Wal-Mart.

Burger King says it will add three healthier meals to its Kid's Menu. They claim the meals are healthier because they don't contain food from McDonald's.

28 year old skating champion Michelle Kwan has graduated from the University of Denver. The campus is located near Golden. Just like Kwan's Olympic career.

The PGA Champions Tour will allow fans into a tournament for free in Minnesota. Attendance is so low that the Tour is considering allowing public tee times to be scheduled between groups.

Irish golfer Paul McGinley says that golf's World Rankings are not fair. Perhaps he would feel differently if he higher than 180th.

180th ranked Irish golfer Paul McGinley says that golf's World Rankings are not fair. That's what you get for coming from a country that has decent golf weather three days out of the year.

John Daly has signed an endorsement with All Sport sports drink company. Daly says it makes a terrific mixer with Vodka.

The New Orleans Saints have sold out their 4th straight year. Apparently some of the people get nostalgic to go home to the Super Dome right around the time of the anniversary of Katrina.

The New Orleans Saints have sold out their 4th straight year. Apparently the New Orleans fans like to see that disasters can actually take place in a controlled environment.

A Tennessee Republican Congressman is urging the NBA to drop its 19 year old and out of high school rule to play in the league. Apparently the thinking is that most Tennessee students are no where near graduating high school by the time they are 19.

40,000 runners are expected in the New York Marathon in November. It's the only time that people can actually make good time getting through the city.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! We just rescued a puppy from the local pound. We pick it up in a couple of days. I'm just letting you know that if you are unable to send the love this week, I will be getting plenty from our new friend and my daughter who has been relentlessly begging me for a dog for the last five years. Which would be 35 years in dog age!
























































  3:46 AM
Sunday, May 31, 2009
  Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...School is almost out...Which means millions of kids will soon be joining their parents in looking for work... A bomb went off near a New York City Starbucks last week. Apparently the Jihadists have decided the real infidels are the people charging $5 for a decaf mocha latte.

A bomb went off near a New York City Starbucks last week. Authorities are trying to decide if that means the coffee has too much caffeine, or not enough.

"Early retirement" claims are increasing dramatically in the bad economy with people taking leave before age 66. That gives them time to look for a job that they can keep until they are 80.

"Early retirement" claims are increasing dramatically in the bad economy. Apparently, "early retirement" is the new term for being thrown out on the street.

The economic crisis has spurred a spike in "suburban survivalists", people who are stocking up on generators and non-perishable food to last them through emergencies. Even the wealthy are having to stock up with multiple cigar humidors and larger wine cellars.

A report says that car maker woes could cost six million union jobs world wide. Labor experts were shocked. There are still six million union jobs?

Honolulu held the nation's first all-digital election online. The overwhelming winner of the city wide election was Pam Anderson.

Conservative commentator Glenn Beck says that President Bush's policies must "die a violent death". Wasn't that pretty much what happened in the 2008 election?

A writer for "CSI" is being sued for naming some unscrupulous characters after real estate agents he had a bad business dealing with. It may have had something to do with the episode where someone shoots a guy named "Trump".

Red Bull energy drinks have been pulled off the shelves in Germany after a trace of cocaine was found in the product. Authorities were alerted that something was wrong when people were drinking it with a straw up their nose.

Hillary Clinton surprised Yale graduates with an appearance at their graduation ceremony. She has had years of experience in surprising unsuspecting Yale grads. Just ask Bill.

A World Business Summit has predicted that two million green jobs will come to the U.S. Mostly mowing lawns and trimming hedges.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is asking the SEC to drop insider trading charges against him. It's not looking good for him. In fact, Martha Stewart recently called with some tips on how to turn prison scrambled eggs into Quiche Lorraine.

Alex Rodriguez was booed on his return to the Texas Rangers' ballpark following his surgery. No one had any idea that Madonna had moved to the Lone Star State.

Mel Gibson and his new girlfriend are reportedly expecting. His soon to be ex-wife has also announced she is expecting. To get half of everything Gibson owns.

A study in Brazil says opposites attract. People really do choose mates with opposing genetic makeup than themselves. That explains David Spade and pretty much all his girlfriends.

Army Chief of Staff General George Casey says the U.S. must be ready to be in Iraq for ten years. While that sounds like a long time, at least it undercuts John McCain's estimate by ninety years.

A study says that "sexting" by teenagers is no worse than playing "spin the bottle" or "doctor". Except that no one playing spin the bottle has ever ended the game with them naked on the Internet.

Government advisers are developing menus that cut out "high carbon" foods that cause global warming emissions such as lamb, tomatoes and alcohol. Apparently beans didn't make the list because they don't cause harmful emissions until after they are eaten.

A Maryland plan to raise taxes on the wealthy has caused a third of the state's millionaires to drop off the tax rolls. Of course, many have disappeared from the rolls because they are no longer millionaires.

Dick Cheney is shopping a book about the ascension of the Republican Party going back to Nixon. Apparently the book ends right on November 7, 2000.

Home prices have reportedly fallen back down to 2002 levels. On a related note, the average American's lifestyle has fallen back to about 1856.

Former eBay CEO Meg Whitman is writing a book about her core values. She helped millions of people get through the tough economy by helping them sell all their stuff over the Internet.

Geologists have found a giant blob buried beneath Nevada. While wondering how it got there, they were informed that the way to find out is to not pay off their gambling losses.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor says she wanted to be a judge since she was ten years old. She was told then that to get on the Supreme Court all you had to do was study hard, work diligently and wait another eighty years.

A study says that exercise is not likely to rev up a person's metabolism through the day to help them lose weight. I guess that explains all those fat marathoners that are always running around the neighborhood.

A study says that big NFL players are prone to high blood pressure. Especially if they ever played for Bill Parcells.

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan says he charts men's underwear sales as an economic indicator. Anyone invested heavily in the stock market has more than likely had to buy several new pair in the past few months.

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan says he charts men's underwear sales as an economic indicator. Apparently men will wait until the economy has bottomed out before replacing briefs in the same condition.

A Missouri girl made her prom dress completely out of coffee filters. Apparently school administrators say such an unconventional gown could be grounds for dismissal.

A Missouri girl made her prom dress completely out of coffee filters. When asked who designed the gown, she says it comes from the House of Maxwell.

IRS tax revenues fell 34% in April. That's really bad considering that's the month everyone pays their tax bill.

Restaurants across the country are cutting lunch prices to bring in more customers. They did the same thing back in 1929. Only then they were called "soup kitchens".

More than 90% of economists surveyed predict the recession will end later in 2009. Of course, these are the same people who told us in 2008 that the recession started in 2007.

More than 90% of economists surveyed predict the recession will end later in 2009. The economists took the survey while on break from their jobs washing dishes and cutting lawns.

France reports that sales of wine and champagne are down in the bad economy. You know it's bad when even Wall Street bankers are drinking Cold Duck and Ripple.

A study says that reusable grocery bags can make people sick. Especially when they fill those grocery bags with Twinkies and Oreos.

GM will more than likely be dropped from the Dow Jones Industrial Average list when it declares bankruptcy. That alone is the quickest way to shoot the market up a few hundred points.

The Word Business Summit Climate Conference in Copenhagen brought some brisk business to the local sex trade. Apparently Global Warming is OK as long as it is kept on a local level.

The Netherlands is closing some of its prisons because there aren't enough criminals to fill them up. Apparently no one has any money left for anyone else to steal.

The Netherlands is closing some of its prisons because there aren't enough criminals to fill them up. The biggest criminals in this country are the ones who turned Wall Street into the Nether regions.

A U.S. health insurer says the country can save $500 Million in health costs by cutting down on unnecessary health care. You know, expensive things like doctor's visits, surgery and medication.

Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush appeared together at a talk in Toronto where they both were paid $150,000. It's the first time either of them were so interested in heading north of the border since 1968.

The average American's credit score in the past few months has dropped six points to 651. Most credit experts are surprised the number is still above zero.

The average American's credit score in the past few months has dropped six points to 651. Most people wish their credit card balance was that low.

Sacramento's main psychiatric hospital is closing. That means most of the patients there will have nowhere to go except back to the State Capitol.

After 68 years, Archie Andrews of the "Archie" comic book series will propose to Veronica. Apparently in the bad economy he had to forgo the girl-next-door wholesome qualities of Betty for the wealthy father-in-law qualities of marrying Veronica.

The nation's first digital election in Honolulu saw voter turnout drop 83%. Apparently it's hard to get dead people to vote online.

The nation's first digital election in Honolulu saw voter turnout drop 83%. Apparently it's asking a lot for people to turn away from the porn for a few minutes in order to elect the people who run their city.

Ticket sales were reportedly slow for an appearance in Toronto by former Presidents Bush and Clinton. Promoters probably would have had a better turnout if they didn't bill it as "Meet Bubba and Dubya".

Time Warner will spin off from AOL, reversing its $124 Billion merger. This could mean some major changes in service to both of AOL's remaining customers.

Time Warner will spin off from AOL, reversing its $124 Billion merger. That was a business deal that went so bad, even Ted Turner was asking "Are they nuts?"

A study says that half the men arrested in ten major cities tested positive for illegal drugs. That means that half the people walking around who aren't in jail are also stoned.

A study says that half the men arrested in ten major cities tested positive for illegal drugs. The other half had health insurance and just had their doctors write them a prescription.

A report says that Seattle library violations are at an all time high. In fact, local librarians are getting dizzy from all the constant shushing.

Fidel Castro is criticizing Dick Cheney, saying torture should never be used to extract information. He says it's meant to be used just for fun on political opponents.

Couples having trouble conceiving are being told by reproductive experts to try "gourmet sex", trying different techniques for enjoyment. Mostly because after having children, sex is pretty much out the window.

Couples having trouble conceiving are being told by reproductive experts to try "gourmet sex", trying different techniques for enjoyment. How fat are getting that even sex needs to take on terms associated with food?

13 year old Kavya Shivshankar from Kansas has won the National Spelling Bee. She won by correctly spelling "Kavya Shivshankar".

24 passengers and crew members aboard an Australian cruise ship reportedly came down with swine flu. They said they hadn't felt that sick since eating at the breakfast buffet table.

24 passengers and crew members aboard an Australian cruise ship reportedly came down with swine flu. This is the biggest blow to the cruise industry since Somalia Pirates and Kathie Lee Gifford.

Phil Spector has been sentenced to 19 years to life for second degree murder. Lawyers couldn't do the same for his hair which has already been sent to the electric chair.

A 29 year old Tennessee man has reportedly fathered 21 children with 11 women. He has already moved into fourth place in the NBA All-Star balloting.

Ralph Nader says that former Democratic Party Chairman Terry McAuliffe offered him money to pull out of the 2004 election. Political experts were shocked. Nader ran in 2004?

Ralph Nader says that former Democratic Party Chairman Terry McAuliffe offered him money to pull out of the 2004 election. McAuliffe says he actually only offered to loan him bus fare to get to the next primary location.

GM will get a future tax break of $12 Billion as part of the government's bailout package. Or as GM calls a $12 Billion write-off, "April".

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger plans to close 220 California public parks because of the economy, including the Governor's Mansion. Or as he calls it, "That cottage near the Capitol".

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger plans to close 220 California public parks because of the economy. Or as they are otherwise known, "temporary housing developments".

President Bush gave a speech saying that freedom will prevail and the economy will thrive. Even he realizes that the country has a chance of recovering now that he is out of office.

President Bush gave a speech where he said that freedom will prevail and the economy will thrive. He added that nobody can say that he and Dick Cheney didn't try their hardest to do otherwise.

A study says that climate change kills 300,000 people a year. Apparently that's how many people commit suicide rather than have to listen to Al Gore talk about Global Warming.

A study says that climate change kills 300,000 people a year. That doesn't even include the recent polar bear attacks in Miami.

Lee Iacocca will lose his pension and company car in the Chrysler bankruptcy settlement. Of course, things have been so bad at Chrysler lately that his benefits have been whittled down to a PT Cruiser and gas money.

A study says that night owls who stay up late have a dark outlook on life. Mostly because late night TV is just financial channels and infomercials.

Cleveland has picked the winner of a contest to make videos that show the bright side of the city. The winning entry was called "At least it isn't Detroit".

Cleveland has picked the winner of a contest to make videos that show the bright side of the city. Unfortunately there was only one entry and it was a pirated DVD of "Star Trek".

Wal-Mart has opened its first store in India. The problem was convincing local employees that the store does not have a Slurpee machine.

Antique dealers in the northeast are reporting a large sales slowdown because of the economy. The only strong seller is Depression Era furniture, which is now being called "Contemporary American".

President Obama is creating a Cybersecurity Czar position in his Cabinet. Apparently he will take any measure necessary to keep his Blackberry.

New guidelines tell women to gain less weight during pregnancy. The way to tell if a woman is too heavy is when people are asking about the due date before she is pregnant.

New guidelines tell women to gain less weight during pregnancy. The way to tell if a woman is too heavy is when she doesn't even know she is pregnant until going into labor.

The World Health Organization is recommending that cigarette packages have graphic pictures to discourage smoking. One suggestion is a picture of Amy Winehouse.

A study says the cuckoo bird is in danger of extinction. It's getting so bad that Swiss watchmakers are already working on how to teach parrots to say "Cuckoo!"

Prince Harry made his first visit to New York City, ending the trip by taking a tour, enjoying the city and playing polo. Or as the Prince would normally call that, Tuesday.

Ozzy Osbourne is suing former bandmate Tony Iommi over ownership of the name "Black Sabbath". Osbourne filed the lawsuit after it was pointed out to him that he actually used to be in the band.

A report says that carbon pollution will increase by 40% by the year 2030. And that's just the carbon that is released from Al Gore talking non-stop about Global Warming.

The tourism chief at an English coastal city is criticizing the English Weather Service for calling for rain on a weekend that turned out to be mostly sunny. The Weather Service defended itself, saying they used the exact same forecast they use for every weekend.

It was revealed that 82 year old Joe Paterno makes $1.03 Million a year as Head Coach for the Penn State football team. His yearly income is actually higher as that amount doesn't include endorsements, appearance fees or Social Security.

Southwest Airlines will let small animals fly on board for $75 each way. If you thought the screaming baby was the worst seat to get assigned next to, just wait until you share an arm rest with a Pit Bull.

St. Louis Cardinals shortstop Khalil Greene was put on the 15 day disabled list for social anxiety disorder. It is characterized by a fear of making mistakes that result in embarrassment or humiliation in front of others. Just think what happens if he gets traded to the Washington Nationals.

The Octomom has signed a deal for a TV reality show. A single mom with fourteen kids, including octuplets. Just where does reality come into that format?

The Octomom has signed a deal for a TV reality show. Instead of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" it will be "Just Me Against 14".

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This week brought an end to an era. No, my wife is somehow still with me. I am talking about Jay Leno leaving the "Tonight Show". Or more accurately, Jay Leno getting fired from the "Tonight Show" to make way for Conan O'Brien, after which NBC executives realized Jay would leave the network and beat the hell out of them on another network so they gave him a show in Prime Time because they had nowhere else for him which makes no sense, gets everyone involved mad and probably ends up as a big mess all the way around. That's the unofficial version. In any event, Jay has had a great run as the host, taking it for seventeen years and making it number one on a nightly basis. Despite the fact that it wasn't his decision to leave, he made his final show a complete display of class. He did a final tribute to Rodney Dangerfield in his monologue, had his replacement Conan O'Brien as his final guest and asked the audience to give him their full support. He ended the show by describing his legacy not in terms of what he has meant to the show or TV or comedy, but by presenting the children born to "Tonight Show" staffers since the show started. The count is now more than sixty. The final show wasn't about Jay, it was about the people who worked behind the scenes, many of whom were there from the beginning. It was a finale unlike any I have ever seen, and probably never will again. Classy. Now if Jay would only show some real class and have his Head Writer Joe Medeiros finally take my calls and start using some of my material. OK, I never said I have as much class as Jay. Good luck on the Prime Time gig. Let's hope it runs at least another seventeen years!











  3:43 AM
Jokes and Ramblings of comedy writer Jim Barach If you would like to hire me as a joke writer or speaker, I can be reached at jimbarach@hotmail.com

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