Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump vowed to “end” Iran if it threatens the U.S. again. Which doesn’t worry Iran as that is exactly the same thing we set out to do back in 2003.

A British admiral says the U.S. will need one million soldiers to invade Iran. Which will take care of one million more of those jobs Donald Trump promised he would create if elected.

Some states are saying revenge porn may be protected by the Constitution. Which means it all goes back to Ben Franklin and that boudoir portrait he was found to have of Martha Washington.

Eric Schmidt says breaking up Google would be “illegal.” At least that’s what he found out when he looked it up on Google.

Eric Schmidt says breaking up Google would be “illegal.” Mostly because it will harm consumers, especially the ones who will no longer have a way to look up Internet porn.

The White House is trying to quash talk of a gasoline tax hike to pay for the infrastructure. Meaning it would be a lot easier and cheaper by making for cheaper oil by conquering Iran.

A report says the White House will focus on Middle East investments as part of a peace proposal. Mostly from defense contractors bidding on what weapons we will use to invade Iran.

A study says wearing sunglasses to bed can knock out blue light from computer screens making it difficult to sleep. Or people could try the option of actually turning off their devices for once.

A riderless cold ran to the finish in the Preakness Stakes. To which maximum Security’s owner is saying “Why didn’t I think of that?”

The first drawing by a 12 year old Michelangelo has reportedly been found. Which turns out to be a naked woman found in his boyhood bedroom between the mattresses.

The first drawing by a 12 year old Michelangelo has reportedly been found. Which was actually a stick figure of David.

The first drawing by a 12 year old Michelangelo has reportedly been found. They knew it was his because it was a homework margin doodle of the Sistine Chapel.

A woman stabbed a rider on a New York City subway for fondling himself. Wouldn’t you know it was the one day he decided to ride public transportation and not grope the other passengers?

A Fox News poll says Robert Mueller is more trusted than Donald Trump and William Barr. Mostly at this point because even Bernie Madoff is more trusted than Trump and Barr.

A study says Millennials are in worse financial shape than every living previous generation. That’s because they’re getting stuck paying back the national debt run up by the Baby Boomers.

A study says Millennials are in worse financial shape than every living previous generation. Mostly because their parents and grandparents are living too long for them to become successful the old fashioned way through inheritance.

A report says the Chinese social credit system can ruin lives of those the government declares untrustworthy. Which destroying reputations is supposed to be why Facebook was created.

Donald Trump may be preparing to pardon servicemen accused of war crimes. To which George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are saying “Don’t forget us!”

Ukraine’s new President Volodymyr Zelenskiy was sworn into office, immediately dissolving Parliament. Imagine what it must be like having a former TV star be elected to their top office and completely ignoring the power of the legislature.

Iraq’s president says he doesn’t want his country to be the battleground in a fight between Iran and the U.S. Did he forget they are still the battleground between the U.S. and Iraq?

Iran’s foreign minister tweeted a response to Donald Trump, saying he was “goaded into genocidal taunts.” Which one day will be cited as how Twitter started World War III.

Iran’s foreign minister tweeted in a response that Donald Trump was “goaded into genocidal taunts.” Wouldn’t you know the one follower of Trump that isn’t a bot is the one trying to start an international showdown?

Ireland is voting to reduce the time to file for divorce to less than the current four years. Which explains now why everyone in that country is always drinking so much.

Ireland is voting to reduce the time of divorce to less than the current four years. Imagine having to stay married to an unwanted spouse longer than it takes between presidential elections.

Ecuador has handed over Julian Assange’s belongings to the U.S. Which after staying at their embassy since 2012 pretty much amounts to seven years of dirty underwear.

Kamala Harris is vowing to fine companies with gender pay gaps. Which since Donald Trump is not accepting a salary as President, does that mean if elected she will work for free?

Little Caesars is testing a plant-based sausage topping for their pizza. To which most their customers are saying “No thanks! No Thanks!”

Little Caesars is testing a plant-based sausage topping for their pizza. To which everyone is saying “The stuff they are using now is meat?”

Donald Trump says he didn’t borrow from many banks because he “didn’t need the money.” Why pay interest on money that he is just going to eventually lose anyway?”

An Indonesian chef reportedly lost his hearing after eating a spicy meal. You know it’s hot when it made him scream loud enough to go deaf.

An Indonesian chef reportedly lost his hearing after eating a spicy meal. Unlike at Taco Bell where the spicy food just makes you lose your appetite.

An Indonesian chef reportedly lost his hearing after eating a spicy meal. The only other time spice caused hearing loss was for the people wearing earplugs to go see the Spice Girls.

The WHO spent $192 Million last year on travel. Who do they think they are, members of the Trump Cabinet?

The WHO spent $192 Million last year on travel. They felt if they had someone on every United flight, they would encounter every germ and bacteria known to mankind.

Donald Trump tweeted about toning down the debate on abortion. How out of control has something gotten when Donald Trump says to take the rhetoric down a notch?

A study says processed foods may be addictive. Which could be why Ronald McDonald was just enrolled in a 12 step program.

A study says processed foods may be addictive. Which is why at McDonald’s they always give kids that first Happy Meal for free.

A study says processed foods may be addictive. Which is why Dairy Queen serves its shakes in a hypodermic needle.

Quentin Tarantino asked the audience at Cannes not to spoil “Once Upon A Time In Hollywood.” To which the audience asked why he spoiled their trip to the theater with “Django Unchained”?

Robert Pattinson is reportedly the frontrunner to play Batman in a new movie. To which Ben Affleck, George Clooney and Val Kilmer all say “Tag, you’re it!”

Britney Spears’ manager says he isn’t sure if or when she will work again. Apparently it all depends on how many birthday parties and supermarket openings are available.

Josiah Duggar and his wife are expecting a baby. Wow, the Duggars are expecting a baby. What are the odds we would ever hear that phrase more than a couple hundred more times?

Colin Jost and Scarlett Johansson are engaged. Haven’t we seen this “Saturday Night Live” skit before? It was called “Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande.”

Magic Johnson says he was backstabbed by Lakers GM Rob Pelinka. To which somewhere Paul Westhead is saying “Vindication is mine!”

Al Unser, Jr. was arrested for DUI in Indiana. Police became suspicious of his driving as he was going unusually slow, being observed traveling down a freeway at only 140 mph.

A Bolivian soccer referee died after having a heart attack during a game. Unfortunately, no one performed CPR as they were afraid of being called for using their hands.

A GoFundMe account has been launched to help minor league baseball players with expenses because of low wages. At least until they get their batting average up to .179 so they can make $17 Million a year like Chris Davis.

A high school football player who committed to Michigan says he had 33 offers. Meaning either be able to throw a football 60 yards or end up begging for tuition aid at community college.

A report says NFL players suspended for PEDs could have their Hall of Fame chances hurt. Meaning it’s better to just stick with being suspended for pot, DUI and domestic violence.

Joe Biden claims he took action on climate change in 1987. Now Al Gore is worried he is going to start taking credit for being the one who invented the Internet.

Joe Biden claims he took action on climate change in 1987. Although Bernie Sanders is trying to one-up him saying he started working on climate change back during the original Ice Age.

Alabama’s governor doesn’t anticipate a tourism backlash from the state’s abortion law. Meaning none of the three people planning to vacation in the state will change their plans.

The Republican National Committee has accepted $250,000 from casino mogul Steve Wynn who has been accused of sexual misconduct. Although they say only if they can put it all on red for double or nothing.

A California judge has been censured for handling her own traffic ticket for running a red light. Which shows the wheels of justice turn slowly even when they are supposed to come to a stop.

A New York bill would outlaw texting while crossing the street. Which pedestrians do so they can let drivers texting behind the wheel know not to go until they make it all the way across.

Prince Charles has agreed to meet with Donald Trump on his visit to the UK. Only because Charles drew the short straw from the Queen, William, Harry, Kate, Meghan and all the kids.

A survey says 4 in 10 Americans embrace some form of socialism. The other 6 think they will be able to make it just fine on the money they make working for Uber, Starbucks and their podcast.

A study says U.S. children are not eating enough shellfish. Meaning when it comes to seafood, kids are just clamming up.

The NFL and its players union are studying the use of pot for pain management. They’re taking it on together as a “joint” effort.

The NFL and its players union are studying the use of pot for pain management. So far the league has even managed to find 400 players who are willing to volunteer for the research.

A study says men who have paid paternity leave want fewer children. Especially the ones whose wives make them spend their leave time actually helping raise the child.

A study says octopuses could go blind because of climate change. Which could become very expensive in having to buy them all eight white canes to use to get around.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog, now it’s time to make it into the 21st century and try out the podcast. Same thing, different format. Instead of reading the jokes, all you have to do is listen to my dulcet vocal tones doing it for you. To find it, just click on this link:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-5-19-2019/id1416271102?i=1000438786572  If you subscribe, all the episodes are sent right to your device. Then tell all your friends so they start listening and the numbers go up which will help me out a bit. Is that asking too much? Then you should still have time left to remember to always keep on sending the love!

Sunday, May 19, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A judge has confirmed an associate of Donald Trump gave feds the phone number of Osama bin Laden that helped catch him. It was the one with the 666 area code directly to Hell.


A judge has confirmed an associate of Donald Trump gave feds the phone number of Osama bin Laden that helped catch him. The only problem is that every time the number was dialed, 15 suicide bombers blew up.


Architect I.M. Pei, who designed the National Gallery of Art has died at age 102. Not to say he was up in years but he moved to the U.S. from China shortly after designing the Great Wall.


Hackers are demanding $100,000 from Baltimore before saying they will start deleting data using ransomware. To which the Orioles Chris Davis is asking how much to wipe clean his batting stats from the past two years.


A study says many Democrats exaggerated their “mental distress” after the 2016 election. Meaning they only went half insane after Donald Trump’s win instead of going full psychotic.


A study says too much screen time causes headaches from people not blinking enough. Although for some women that could just be their excuse for going a bit too heavy on the Botox.


A study says some men are afraid of mentoring women after #MeToo. Especially the ones whose definition of “mentor” includes dinner, drinks and a visit to their hotel room.


An ISIS plot to detonate bombs remotely with Wi-Fi was foiled. Which is what happens when using a 1992 router along with wireless service from AT&T.


An ISIS plot to detonate bombs remotely with Wi-Fi was foiled. Apparently the terrorists forgot which password they used when getting onto the public Wi-Fi hotspot at Starbucks.


Steve Kroft is leaving “60 Minutes” after 30 years at age 73. To which all the other correspondents were asking why he is the one who gets to take early retirement?


Air pollution is said to be dangerous for every organ and cell in the body. Although researchers say it is only harmful when you breathe.


Air pollution is said to be dangerous for every organ and cell in the body. The good news is the effects are negligible compared to all the alcohol, sugar, fat and salt and tobacco we consume.


Russia is setting up a “fake news” database. To which the U.S. says we are already way ahead of them ever since the start of Fox News.


Russia is setting up a “fake news” database. Which is already done over here by the White House meaning anything that is not fawning over Donald Trump.


Grumpy Cat, the Internet sensation that generated a reported $100 Million has died at age 7. The hardest part for the owners was determining how to tell a cat has actually died.


Grumpy Cat, the Internet sensation that generated a reported $100 Million has died at age 7. It sold millions of calendars, which is ironic that it had no idea its days were numbered.


Grumpy Cat, the Internet sensation that generated a reported $100 Million has died at age 7. To which Joe Biden says he is glad he is no longer Vice President or Obama would have sent him to the funeral.


Grumpy Cat, the Internet sensation that generated a reported $100 Million has died at age 7. Which is sad that after making $100 Million, it’s going to be tossed into a hole in the backyard.


Grumpy Cat, the Internet sensation that generated a reported $100 Million has died at age 7. Which is going to make millions of people feel their life is meaningless when they see a cat managed to get an obituary in the New York Times.


Meghan Markle’s occupation was listed on son Archie’s birth certificate as “Princess of the United Kingdom.” Which is sad that as heir to the throne her infant son already has a better job.


Meghan Markle’s occupation was listed on son Archie’s birth certificate as “Princess of the United Kingdom.” Which for heir to the throne Archie, his birth certificate IS his occupation.


An investigation says Ohio State University ignored sex abuse allegations for two decades. Who do they think they are, the Catholic Church?


A report says a global helium shortage is worrying scientists and researchers. Mostly because it is no fun to present their findings unless they can do it while talking like chipmunks.


The U.S. is warning airlines flying over the Persian Gulf they risk being “misidentified.” Except for any planes sitting on the tarmac for two hours which are then known to belong to United.


The 24th horse has died at Santa Anita race track in California. Like at the Kentucky Derby, jockeys can be disqualified for impeding the path of others, mostly when their horse ends up lying across the track.


The 24th horse has died at Santa Anita race track in California. It’s suspected someone could be poisoning the horses’ oats, in which case authorities may be dealing with a cereal killer.


The College Board CEO says the “adversity score” tells underprivileged students “we can see you.” Which the ones from Detroit, out of 2,400 points are automatically awarded 2,400 points.


The College Board CEO says the “adversity score” tells underprivileged students “we can see you.” As opposed to the kids who bribed for better test scores who were told “We saw nothing!”


A former Belgian king will be fined $5,000 a day until he takes a court ordered paternity test. Until he finally makes up his mind he will be charged for all his Belgian waffling.


Harvard is offering financial-literacy workshops to teach students about personal finance. Mostly how to save $500,000 to be able to bribe their own children’s way into an Ivy League university.


Harvard is offering financial-literacy workshops to teach students about personal finance. Which is disturbing that the people in charge of the derivatives that could ruin the global economy need help balancing a checkbook.


An analysis of 1,300 sunscreens says 60% wouldn’t pass safety rules proposed by the FDA. Which means the people buying them could end up getting burned twice.


An analysis of 1,300 sunscreens says 60% wouldn’t pass safety rules proposed by the FDA. To which the manufacturers are saying that the researchers are just throwing shade.


Lyft says drivers tampering with surge pricing could be booted. They feel only the executives should be allowed to determine exactly how much to gouge their customers.


A report says rotary phones are becoming trendy again. Which makes a lot of sense when combining 1940s technology with the 1980s telecommunications service provided by AT&T.


A report says rotary phones are becoming trendy again. Mostly because with texting, social media and messaging apps who even makes phone calls anymore?


A former MillerCoors executive has been sentenced to prison in a $8.6 Million fraud scheme. Which means he now will spend the next several years perfecting his skill at brewing toilet wine.


A former MillerCoors executive has been sentenced to prison in a $8.6 Million fraud scheme. Which is ironic he was busted while working for a company marketing Coors Light as beer.


A British restaurant accidentally served a customer a $5,700 bottle of wine instead of the $330 bottle they ordered. Which must have really made the day of the diners who were pretentious enough to order a $330 bottle of wine in the first place.


A British restaurant accidentally served a customer a $5,700 bottle of wine instead of the $330 bottle they ordered. Hopefully it was flavorful enough to mask the taste of a meal of British food.


A 15 year old UK girl has been diagnosed with early menopause. The first sign was when she booked a bus trip with seven other women to Las Vegas.


A study says overprocessed foods add 500 calories a day to diets causing weight gain. Which shows that becoming morbidly obese is an over process in itself.


A study says too many sugary drinks are linked to a premature death. Especially for someone taking their spouse’s last Mountain Dew.


A study says obesity surgery benefits teens more than adults. The bigger question being why are teenagers already having to go through surgery to lose weight?


A study says many women don’t have a plan for their health after pregnancy. Other than staying in shape by chasing around a child for the next 18 years.


A computerized program is said to offer hope for traumatic brain injuries. Which is ironic, especially when the brain injury was caused by staring at a computer screen 18 hours a day.


Playboy Playmate Abigail O’Neil says she slept in her car before finding fame with the magazine. Which is better than the old way of having to sleep with Hugh Hefner.


ABC has canceled “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” after 17 years. A network spokesperson says that would be their final answer.


ABC has canceled “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” after 17 years. Apparently the network realized the answer was pretty much “everyone.”


Jon Rahm was caught on camera peeing in the woods during the PGA Championship. To which even John Daly was saying “Hey, show a little class.”


Jon Rahm was caught on camera peeing in the woods during the PGA Championship. That was a case of way to casual water.


Donald Trump had several golf scores hacked onto the USGA website which were all over 100. If they were accurate, that means Trump himself would get credit for being the real hacker.


Maximum Security’s owner is offering $20 Million for four horses to rerun the Kentucky Derby. Apparently they feel with 16 fewer entrants in the field there is a much better chance their horse won’t run into everyone else.


The 2020 Major League Baseball season will open March 26th, the earliest ever. Although for Baltimore it starts February 2nd Groundhog Day when like every other year they are eliminated before the season starts.


The Lakers say they won’t replace Magic Johnson’s position. Mostly because who is going to apply for a job where they know their performance will be compared to Magic Johnson?


The NTSB says a Tesla had its Autopilot engaged ten seconds before a fatal crash in Florida. It turns out the Autopilot button is the same one installed on the 737 Max jet.


The U.S. military says it has no actual plan to confront Iran. Which means we are adopting the exact same strategy against them we used in Iraq.


A poll says Donald Trump’s approval rating has gone down to 42%. Which his supporters are just happy knowing that means his numbers were at one point higher than 42%.


New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has created a panel to study the future of the Erie Canal. Which is great for all the businesses still operating in 1840.


A study says 20% of “Game of Thrones” fans will miss work Monday after the finale. Especially the ones who overeat and drink and spend the next day sitting on their own throne.


A study of an Idaho county shows the average person is 49 pounds overweight. Which is nice that the people who produce all our potatoes end up pretty much becoming one themselves.


A new study links pot with mental health issues. To which people using pot are saying if you think they’re messed up now, you should have seen them before they started getting stoned.


Washington State reported 38,000 cases of fraud last year. Mostly realtors who told people considering moving there how nice the weather always is.


Washington State reported 38,000 cases of fraud last year. Which is ironic considering the state was named for someone who supposedly never told a lie.


414 Million pieces of plastic trash were found on remote Australian islands inhabited by only 500 people. That’s the last time they allow a McDonald’s franchise to open there.


A study says the sexiest accent in the U.S. is a Texas drawl. Except for inside the White House where the favorite is still the Moscow dialect.


A study says half of Americans say they have used the pool as a shower. Which is really bad for them, considering the other half have admitted to using it as a toilet.


A study says one third of flight attendants say they have been abused by passengers under the influence. The other two thirds by passengers mad they can’t get a drink.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another funny start to the work week as we have just one more to go before we reach the Memorial Day weekend. Make sure to check out my daily comedy podcast News Jokes By Jim which can be found by just clicking on this link:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-5-17-2019/id1416271102?i=1000438662882  It’s basically all the jokes here in audio form. I put them all in because sometimes I might not like one of the jokes but it gets a good reaction from others. I guess I am not the best judge of what’s funny, as you can tell by reading this blog every day. If you like the podcast, make sure to subscribe and each episode will be sent right to your device. Also, pass the word along to all your social media friends so they start listening and we get those numbers up around my goal of 7 Billion daily hits. Since I never quite met those numbers with the blog, maybe the podcast will do it for me. That still leaves all kinds of time to remember to always keep on sending the love!

Friday, May 17, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Burger King says it will soon deliver Whoppers to L.A. drivers stuck in traffic. Which means a new slogan of “Have it on your freeway.”


Burger King says it will soon deliver Whoppers to L.A. drivers stuck in traffic. In other words, they will bring it from their grill to your grille.


Burger King says it will soon deliver Whoppers to L.A. drivers stuck in traffic. Which means people traveling the 405 Freeway will be able to eat three meals a day there.


Britney Spears’ manager says she may never perform again. Which is great for all her fans who have seen her and can brag they saw her lip sync live.


A paper calls John Bolton the most dangerous man in the world. Which is why he wants to start a war with Iran just to show how he could have done it much better than anyone else with Iraq.


A paper calls John Bolton the most dangerous man in the world. Which angers him his rivals Saddam Hussein, Muammar Gaddafi and Osama bin Laden are no longer around to see it.


A report says Pete Buttigieg was the 287th user on Facebook. And to his credit he has still never answered the friend request from Mark Zuckerberg.


A report says Bryce Harper is getting desperate batting only .220. Although not as desperate as the executive who insisted they sign him to a $330 Million contract.


Jeff Koons’ steel casting of an inflatable rabbit has sold for $91 Million. Which is sad that the clown who twisted the original balloon animal made all of $17 for a half hour party appearance.


Beto O’Rourke livestreamed a haircut after he previously did one for a teeth cleaning. Supporters need to make sure they are careful when he goes in for a prostate exam.


Donald Trump has pardoned Conrad Black, who was convicted of fraud and obstruction. Apparently Trump wants to push the idea fraud and obstruction are not really crimes.


The White House is not endorsing a global pledge to keep Internet platforms from being used for online hate, extremism and attacks. Mostly because that is what Donald Trump’s Twitter account is for.


The Marines have punished a drill instructor for hazing recruits. If that is what the instructor wanted to do, he should have just joined a college fraternity.


The British Parliament will investigate reality TV shows after the suicide of a man following an appearance. The question being how can they get more of those participants to join in.


Leonard Bailey, the surgeon who stoked a moral dilemma with baboon to human heart transplants has died. Although some give him credit for being the reason Dick Cheney is still with us.


Leonard Bailey, the surgeon who caused a moral dilemma with baboon to human heart transplants has died. He paved the way for pigs’ hearts to one day be used on humans, which would be ironic for people having heart disease from eating too much pork.


A report says smartphones sabotage the brain’s ability to focus. The bad news is that smartphones sabotage the brain’s ability to focus…


Some homeless people in San Francisco have taken to living on boats. The irony being they lost their homes when their mortgage went underwater.


Germany’s top court has ordered a radio station to air a neo-Nazi party ad. The court ruled neo-Nazi ads were permissible because the station plays an oldies format.


Russian bots reportedly rigged Russia’s Voice Kids TV talent show results. Which just means they were using it in a practice run ahead of the 2020 U.S. presidential election.


New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has announced a presidential run in 2020. His ratings in New York are 42-44%, so apparently he feels he is a perfect match to take on Donald Trump.


New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has announced a presidential run in 2020. He feels with 23 other candidates in the field, a 2% vote total could be enough to take it all.


The Sri Lankan Army is probing possible extremist groups. The first group they should be checking out for extremism is the Sri Lankan Army.


Australia’s Nick Kyrgios forfeited a match at the Italian Open after throwing a chair on the court. No one had any idea Bobby Knight had gotten into coaching tennis.


The SAT exam will start giving students an “adversity score” to level the playing field. Mostly to give a break to students whose parents have less than $500,000 to bribe their kids into college.


Former Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke who once held a beer drinking record has died at 89. Many lamented the days when people really knew the qualities that made a great leader.


Former Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke who once held a beer drinking record has died at 89. He drank 40 ounces of beer in 11 seconds, which is what defined him as being a great liter.


Former Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke who once held a beer drinking record has died at 89. We could sure use someone now who can down a 4-0 faster than any rapper on the planet.


A German biscuit heiress sparked backlash saying that forced laborers used by her family in World War II were treated well. She says she meant it’s not like they were working for Amazon.


The outgoing FAA chief says pilot decisions contributed to the 737 Max crashes. Those decisions being working for airlines that didn’t see fit to ground their 737 Max jets.


Custom SUVs are selling for up to $4 Million that can go 190 mph with Karaoke machines and wet bars. Not only that, they are padded inside so the entire vehicle can be used as a casket for all the passengers when the distracted driver goes head on into a tree.


Taco Bell is planning a Palm Springs hotel and resort. The rooms are all like their restaurants with guests spending all their time between the dining area and bathroom.


Taco Bell is planning a Palm Springs hotel and resort. There may be a bit of a trademark problem as the proposed name is the Holiday Inn-Digestion.


Walmart says high tariffs on Chinese goods will increase prices for U.S. shoppers. Meaning a 25% tariff on Chinese products will result in approximately a 25% increase at Walmart.


Bay Area universities have hit a roadblock trying to build student housing. Why should they build 300 square foot studios for students for a few hundred dollars in rent when they can sell them on the open market for $3 Million apiece?


A survey says 40% of adults admit to peeing in a pool. The worst part is that half of those weren’t even in the pool at the time.


A Virginia V.A. hospital was evacuated for an “unknown chemical odor” that turned out to be a urine sample. Apparently no one there had ever ridden a New York City subway before.


A new hearing aid may solve the problem of separating out unwanted noise at cocktail parties. Don’t we already have that? They’re called “earplugs.”


A judge ripped UnitedHealthcare for “immoral and barbaric” denials of cancer treatments. Which happened because the company was more interested in indecent and shameless profits.


A study says 1 in 7 babies are born underweight. The good news is all we have to do is give them two or three years and they will then be a thriving, morbidly obese toddler.


The final episode of “The Big Bang Theory” aired Thursday night. The one hour special was made to get the show to go out with a big bang.


Wrestler Ric Flair was hospitalized in Atlanta. Apparently he gave up the folding chair he was sitting on to another wrestler who promptly hit him with it.


Maximum Security’s jockey Luis Saez is appealing his suspension for impeding the path of several horses. In the meantime he can always get a job driving for NASCAR.


Dodger pitcher Julio Urias was put on 7 days’ leave after a battery arrest. He needs to learn the difference between being part of the battery and committing it.


John Daly says having a cart is a disadvantage at Bethpage Black because of the hills. Apparently he wants to get permission now to navigate the course in his personal RV.


Tickets for the first round of the PGA Championship were selling for $6. So that, with the price of lunch, parking and a souvenir could get fans through the day shelling out a total of only $350.


Andy Murray received his knighthood from Prince Charles. Which means all his future opponents will be listed as playing in a knight match.


Andy Murray received his knighthood from Prince Charles. The best part will be when he is inducted into the Tennis Hall of Fame wearing a full suit of armor.


Mar-a-Lago reportedly took a financial hit last year. Mostly because ICE keeps arresting all the resort’s best groundskeepers.


Donald Trump’s pick for ICE director says he can tell which immigrant children will become gang members by “looking into their eyes.” Meaning the ones whose eyes are brown.


Donald Trump unveiled his new immigration plan in a speech. Which is pretty much the same as the old plan. Build a wall.


A report says U.S. warnings to Iran are driven by photos of missiles in the Persian Gulf. Although some caution should be used as all the photos were taken by Colin Powell.


A study says snakebites increase during rainy years. Which means the new forecast will now call for raining cats, dogs and copperheads.


A study says Tulsa has the highest rate of drivers with flat tires. Although some disagree, saying the numbers were inflated.


A study says Tulsa has the highest rate of drivers with flat tires. No one had any idea that Oklahoma is where Tom Brady is now spending his offseasons.


A study says bedbugs hung out with dinosaurs but didn’t bite them. Mostly because it was also discovered beds were not invented until after the Cretaceous Period.


A study says Dodge Challengers are the deadliest car on the road. Meaning drivers are not meeting the challenge to dodge the other cars.


A study says fewer young people are making it to middle class. But just until they pay off their college debt enough to move out of their parents’ basement and get a job other than with Uber.


A study says fewer young people are making it to middle class. The sad part is the ones who do make it to middle class are the ones whose parents are in the upper class.


A study says gambling locations have higher crime rates. To which Las Vegas, Atlantic City and Indian casinos say they would like to recheck the study’s results for double or nothing.


A study says gambling locations have higher crime rates. Which is ironic in that places that outlaw gambling have a higher crime rate wherever anyone is breaking the law by gambling.


A study says walking faster helps people live longer. Especially for people trying to make their way on foot through New Orleans, Detroit and Chicago.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another week of jokes in the books. Or at least on the blog. And also in the podcast. Have I mentioned that before? Why don’t you give my daily comedy podcast News Jokes By Jim a listen? Just click on this link to find it:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-5-16-2019/id1416271102?i=1000438253618  It’s all these jokes in audio form so all you have to do is listen. You don’t even have to search the house for your reading glasses, so it has that going for it. If you subscribe, every episode gets sent right to your device. Then tell your friends to help get the listenership numbers up. Then all that is left after that is to remember to always keep on sending the love!