Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump, Robert Mueller and Vladimir Putin are all reportedly in the running for Time’s Person of the Year. The way they are all connected at the hip, it could end up a three way tie.


A survey says fewer than 1 in 5 Hispanics believe the American Dream is “alive and well.” Especially the ones who see the American Dream as having a chance to become a “DREAMer.”


A survey says fewer than 1 in 5 Hispanics believe the American Dream is “alive and well.” Mostly because their dream in the Trump Administration is to just avoid being deported.


Two nuns working at a Catholic school in California are accused of embezzling $500,000 for gambling trips to Las Vegas. Apparently they were caught when they tried to place bets using bread wafers for chips and for their free drinks kept ordering sacramental wine.


Two nuns working at a Catholic school in California are accused of embezzling $500,000 for gambling trips to Las Vegas. It turns out the clothes they wore on their junkets weren’t their only gambling habits.


A report says Alabama prisons have the highest homicide rates in the nation. Meaning everyone sentenced there is pretty much on death row.


French President Macron has announced new economic measures, saying protesters are the result of “40 years of malaise.” Which is so bad there that the French are the ones who came up with the word “malaise” in the first place.


French President Macron has announced new economic measures, saying protesters are the result of “40 years of malaise.” Although in all honesty that country hasn’t seemed all that happy since the French Revolution back in 1789.


Troubled “Mighty Duck” star Shaun Weiss was arrested for shoplifting $200 in merchandise from an L.A. Rite Aid. Apparently he didn’t plan very well in trying to make that “Mighty Ducks” paycheck last more than 26 years.


A study says screen time changes the structure of kids’ brains. Which until now, people thought it just changed the structure of their bellies and backsides.


A study says screen time changes the structure of kids’ brains. The only question is whether it makes their brains more like mashed potatoes or oatmeal.


A study says companies operating apps know the location of their users through the entire day and night. Which people are fine with as long as it stays a secret from their spouses.


A report says Jeff Bezos makes more in 30 seconds than the average American worker makes in a year. Which could be worse as the American workers are still making more money in that year than the average person working for Bezos makes in their lifetime.


A Danish photographer has sparked outrage in Egypt by taking pictures of he and his girlfriend having sex on the Great Pyramid. Although next time he says he’ll be smarter and pick a structure without such a pointy top.


A Danish photographer has sparked outrage in Egypt by taking pictures of he and his girlfriend having sex on the Great Pyramid. He’s the one guy people actually don’t get annoyed when he pulls out his vacation movies.


A Danish photographer has sparked outrage in Egypt by making videos of him and his girlfriend having sex on the Great Pyramid. Authorities are labeling him as a “dirty old Giza.”


An AI expert is warning that eventually, people could lose jobs over their thoughts. Don’t we already have that? It’s called “Facebook.”


“Aquaman” has debuted in China, pulling in $94 Million ahead of its U.S. premier. Which is good news for movie industry insiders who were afraid the film could go underwater.


A study says 58% of Americans do no muscle training. Which isn’t much better that the other 42% only do fingertip pushups on their TV remote.


A study says 58% of Americans do no muscle training. Even worse is the other 42% only get a muscle workout when they lift a gallon of ice cream and a six pack of beer.


A study says people with masculine faces are seen as being more competent. Which considering all of our presidents, most of Congress and most CEOs are men, where did anyone get that idea?


The Moldova election campaign has started with some fearing Russian interference. Which the Russians just see as getting back into shape after losing so badly in the U.S. midterms.


A report says nearly 85% of U.N. countries back a migration deal, but not the U.S. Mostly because those are all the countries trying to get their people to migrate into the U.S.


Japanese Crown Princess Masako says she is “insecure” about assuming the role of empress next year while battling stress-related illnesses. Apparently it’s easy to develop a case of agoraphobia while riding in all those stretch limousines.


Japanese Crown Princess Masako says she is “insecure” about assuming the role of empress next year while battling stress-related illnesses. It’s not always easy to decide which hand to wave with during a parade.


Costco, Google and T-Mobile have been ranked as the best large companies to work for. They are the ones large enough where people can blend in so it’s harder to be singled out to be fired.


Costco, Google and T-Mobile have been ranked as the best large companies to work for. Or actually any company that isn’t called Amazon.com.


A report says Amazon’s new Virginia headquarters is expected to have a $15 Billion economic input by 2030. Meaning it will put another $15 Billion into the pockets of Jeff Bezos.


A study says hospital acquired infections are decreasing. Mostly because with so many people losing their healthcare, they can’t afford to go to the hospital to get infected in the first place.


South Sudan is beginning Ebola vaccinations as a country with a “very high risk.” Which is just unfortunate they can’t vaccinate for their other high risks of famine, poverty and political unrest.


The CDC is warning people to not eat raw cookie dough during the holiday season. They say instead it is more healthy to bake them as directed and then not eat those either.


Shania Twain reveals she has had a long time battle with stage fright. Her secret to overcoming it is not having a hit in the past 15 years and never playing to a more than half sold out house.


Kid Rock gave $81,000 to pay for every layaway at a Walmart. Next he plans to go to a Waffle House and pay for everyone’s breakfast before starting an early morning brawl.


The song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” has stirred a radio debate whether it should be banned. The good news is another few years of global warming will make all the lyrics obsolete anyways.


The Chicago Bulls held a players only meeting after a 56 point loss to Boston. Although losing a game by 56 points pretty much IS a players only meeting.


A report says some pro golfers are not pleased with the easy conditions at the Web.com Tour Q-School tournament. It’s golf. How do you make it tougher, force the players to wear shoes two sizes too small?


A report says Rick Scott financed $64 Million of his Senate campaign. Paying that much for a job with a salary of $170,000 explains how we ended up with a national debt of $21 Trillion.


Kevin McCarthy says Democrats shouldn’t focus on investigating Donald Trump. They should instead be working on fixing all the problems caused by Republicans who spent all their time investigating Hillary Clinton.


North Carolina Representative Mark Meadows says he would be honored to serve as White House Chief of Staff. He just needs to figure out what to do three months from now when Donald Trump becomes angry and fires him.


Washington Governor Jay Inslee has laid out aggressive legislation aimed at reducing the state’s carbon output. They are right next to Canada. You would think that is one of the states that would welcome a little global warming.


A report says the 50.1% voter turnout made it the highest total for a midterm election in more than a century. Of course, back then there were no video games, TV or computers to keep all the voters’ rear ends stuck to the couch on Election Day.


A 4,000 year old board game was found etched into the ground in Azerbaijan. Although back then it was a little more harsh, with landing on “losing a turn” usually involving a human sacrifice.


A study says living close to the coast is tied with a lower depression risk for older people. Mostly in them knowing they have enough money to be able to afford to live near the beach.


A study says living close to the coast is tied with a lower depression risk for older people. Mostly in knowing they are no longer stuck living in one of those flyover states.


A University of Wisconsin-Madison study says climate change could turn the clock back 50 Million years making it warmer and wetter. Which is sad to think it has been that long since it was comfortable to live in Wisconsin.


A study says nearly 1 Million people filed for disability benefits during the recession who otherwise wouldn’t have. Mostly the ones who were victims of the banks that disabled their retirement accounts.


A study says urban frogs sing sexier songs than rural frogs. Which may explain why women prefer listening to Drake over Toby Keith.


A study says AI will make us better off by 2030. How much better can it be than ordering a pizza and having it delivered by a robot, all without ever getting off the couch?


A study says half of all women and a third of all men say they have experienced workplace discrimination. Mostly because those are the half of all women and third of all men who have jobs that pay well enough for them to even notice it.


A study says taking a charge from Duke basketball star Zion Williamson is like getting run over by a Jeep. The good news for the other teams is if Zion Williamson is built with the same quality as a Jeep, he will only be on the court two minutes a game anyways.


A study in Ireland says methadone use brings stability to users. Meaning it is non-addictive but still makes them high enough to get them through the Irish winters.


A study says people feel when looking for a potential mate, credit card debt of more than $11,525 is a deal breaker. It’s more attractive when someone has instead compiled that much debt on more promising things like college tuition, car loan and mortgage.


A study says people feel when looking for a potential mate, credit card debt of more than $11,525 is a deal breaker. The problem being anyone completely out of debt probably managed it because they are still living in their parents’ basement.


The UK National Health Service has pulled the plug on 8,000 fax machines they say are “archaic.” Which means next they may also cut out bloodletting, shock therapy and iron lungs.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Starting off the new week with a good variety of jokes, just the way I like it. Hope you do, too. Of course, the best way to get all these jokes is to let me just read them to you via my daily podcast, News Jokes By Jim. It’s easy to get, just click here:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-12-9-2018/id1416271102?i=1000425456470&mt=2  Make sure you subscribe and be sure to tell all your friends to let them in on the fun and get my numbers up! You can listen at home, at work or in the car, I don’t care. Just as long as you listen. And it doesn’t hurt once in awhile to remember to always keep sending the love!

Sunday, December 09, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The U.N. says 3.9 Billion people, more than half the world’s population is online. Which means they are just in time to use Amazon as an easy way to buy their friends and family cheap crap for Christmas.

The U.N. says 3.9 Billion people, more than half the world’s population is online. Which is amazing how much power there is in the ability to get free porn.

The U.N. says 3.9 Billion people, more than half the world’s population is online. The question being, why aren’t they all following this blog?

An AI program AlphaZero is showing human-like intuition in learning to play chess. It will achieve actual human abilities when it figures out how to win by cheating.

An AI program AlphaZero is showing human-like intuition learning to play chess. We’ll know it’s identical to humans when it decides it would rather sit on the couch all day playing video games.

The NASA Mars lander has captured the first sounds of the “Martian wind.” The question being where did those space aliens get their hands on a can of beans?

The NASA Mars lander has captured the first sounds of the “Martian wind.” Which was exciting until it was revealed it was just the noise of a NASA engineer blowing into a microphone.

An expert says sex in space would be a “logistical nightmare.” The worst part being 200 miles in space with all the women astronauts on board continuing to swipe you left on Tinder.

An expert says sex in space would be a “logistical nightmare.” The most uncomfortable part finding all the men on the flight keep trying to contact you through Grindr.

An expert says sex in space would be a “logistical nightmare.” Especially for the women who keep getting asked by the men if they can have some “Tang.”

The CIA’s secret mind control experiments were revealed in hidden documents. Although it pretty much shows they don’t have that ability just by looking at what Donald Trump keeps sending out on his Twitter account.

North Carolina was covered by a blanket of snow from a winter storm over the weekend. But looking at the midterm election results, the state was still a whole lot whiter in November.

Kevin Hart is out as the host of the Oscars after refusing to apologize for some old tweets. Also because the Academy felt their may be a conflict with him appearing in every Hollywood movie made in the past five years.

Kevin Hart is out as the host of the Oscars after refusing to apologize for some old tweets. Although more people are wondering when he will apologize for being in “Scary Movie 3.”

Sources say Chief of Staff John Kelly will be leaving the White House. So many people are being kicked out of the West Wing, the job title should be Chief-of-Half-Staff.

A Mississippi inmate stole a prison van, honking goodbye to his fiancee. Which must be his charm and carefree attitude that made her want to vow to spend the rest of her life with him.

France is preparing for yet more “ultra-violent” demonstrations by anti-government protesters. Wouldn’t you know the one time the French are willing to go to battle, it’s against themselves.

The FBI has denied designating the Proud Boys as an extremist group. Mostly because it’s hard to take an organization seriously when their name sounds more like a K-Pop boy band.

Donald Trump says he will nominate William Barr as the next Attorney General. Which means instead of eventually firing him, he will just Dis-Barr him.

Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley says Heather Nauert, Donald Trump’s nominee for U.N. Ambassador is inexperienced. She is so new to the job, she hardly knows how to tell a good fib.

Delta has raised the price of inflight alcoholic drinks to $9. Mostly as a way to get fliers to upgrade to first class as it would cost less overall when figuring in the free drinks served there.

Delta has raised the price of inflight alcoholic drinks to $9. Which means fliers will still raise their glass in a toast to celebrate not having to fly on United.

Disney is revoking annual park passes from personal shoppers who buy collectibles at their theme parks and resell them outside. Mostly because Disney has set the bar for unconscionable sales practices as anything higher than the amount they will gouge people for.

A study says one third of people with depression and anxiety don’t get the care they need. Which when the other two thirds find that out, they will become depressed and anxious wondering if they are next.

A study says one third of people with depression and anxiety don’t get the care they need. Which is enough to make anyone become depressed and anxious.

A report says most U.S. adults haven’t gotten a flu shot this year. Mostly so when they get sick and go Christmas shopping, everyone else will do whatever they can to stay out of their way.

A study says sedative addiction and anxiety are on the rise in children. It’s getting so bad, they are starting to make Flintstones shaped Xanax tablets.

Dr. Lisa Schwartz, a critic of increasing medical tests has died at age 55. Which at that young age has some people wondering if she could have maybe used a few more tests herself.

The WHO says traffic accidents are the eighth leading cause of death worldwide. Which means the seventh leading cause is the person who is texting behind the wheel of the car that hits you.

The WHO says traffic accidents are the eighth leading cause of death worldwide. Which is ironic for the people exercising to live longer who get run over by a bus in the crosswalk.

A report by the CDC says 58 Million Americans are still exposed to secondhand smoke. No one had any idea that many people spent their free time in the casinos.

A study says obese people with heart failure live longer than those who are thinner. Which is good for them until you consider being obese is why they have heart failure in the first place.

Lindsey Buckingham has settled a lawsuit with Fleetwood Mac, saying Stevie Nicks was behind his getting fired. The group was better when their breakups were romantic instead of legal.

A report says New Year’s Eve is the biggest night for babysitting jobs. Especially for Ben Affleck, who sees it as a chance to audition who is going to be dating the next six months.

A report says New Year’s Eve is the biggest night for babysitting jobs. Just ask anyone who has to work the late shift at all the county jails across the country.

Robert Blake has filed for divorce from his third wife. At 85 he has decided this time to end his marriage with a divorce court judge instead of a criminal court jury.

“Sharknado” star Tara Reid is suing The Asylum for $100 Million for using her image without her permission. The question being how really concerned someone is about their image after starring in all six “Sharknado” movies?

“Sharknado” star Tara Reid is suing The Asylum for $100 Million for using her image without her permission. Although most people keep confusing The Asylum with the place they thought Tara Reid was living.

Kylie Jenner says of a fake photo of Travis Scott, “The Internet scares me.” As it does the rest of us who realize the Internet is what created the whole Kardashian family in the first place.

Derek Fisher says moving to the WNBA was not a step down. Which is actually true considering his last job before that was coaching the Knicks.

A study says late night tweets hurt NBA players’ performance. Mostly because what would make them any different than the President of the United States?

A report says Scott Pruitt used a private e-mail account at work when heading the EPA. Which means under him, the agency couldn’t even be counted on to clean up their communications.

Mitch McConnell is resisting pressure to move on a criminal justice system overhaul. Apparently he wants to wait to see just how many White House staffers end up getting indicted.

A survey says 27% of Americans would like to live in the country. The other 73% say they agree, meaning they would like to live in another country.

Scientists say the greatest extinction event in world history was caused by global warming. The second biggest as well if you count what happened to the Republicans in the midterm elections.

Former British spy chief Robert Hannigan says Facebook could threaten democracy. Which is something to think about in the U.S. in the event we ever get our democracy back.

Scientists at Mammoth Caves National Park are studying “white-nose syndrome” that is killing bats. And all this time most people thought that was something that only pertained to lifeguards.

Scientists at Mammoth Caves National Park are studying “white-nose syndrome” that is killing bats. As opposed to “brown-nose syndrome” that is a requirement to get and keep a job working for Donald Trump.

A study says airlines are ignoring more efficient planes that could cut down on CO2 emissions. Instead, they’re cutting back on the release of carbon dioxide by telling passengers to stop exhaling.

A University of Texas professor has been given $2.5 Million by the Zuckerberg Foundation to study neurodegenerative diseases. Which ironically deals with those brain disorders caused by spending too much time on Facebook every day.

Researchers say the median price of fast food hamburgers has gone up 54% in the past decade. Which ironically during that time 54% is also exactly the same amount of increase in the size of the average McDonald’s customer’s waistline.

French “yellow vest” protesters were detained and tear gassed over the weekend. If police really wanted to repel the demonstrators, they should have sprayed them with some deodorant.

French “yellow vest” protesters were detained and tear gassed over the weekend. To which people are asking if they can now do the same thing to red vested valets when they keep bringing out the wrong car?

Former NFL lineman John Urschel left football for a career in math. Unfortunately, the one thing he wasn’t good with was figuring out the lifestyle difference from a multi-million dollar NFL contract versus trying to make it on a college professor’s salary.

Lance Armstrong discussed making millions of dollars as an early investor in Uber. Apparently he like the idea of taking a ride where you first don’t have to get completely doped up.

English Golfer Andrew “Beef” Johnston just got engaged. To which all his fellow pro golfers are appropriately saying “Well done!”

A report says Tumblr users are leaving in droves as the site has banned porn. Which was about as predictable as the mass exodus that would take place if McDonald’s banned french fries.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for visiting the blog to get the most news jokes you will find anywhere. If you would like to make getting your news in humor form even easier, check out my daily comedy podcast “News Jokes By Jim.” The link is right here:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-12-7-2018/id1416271102?i=1000425350352&mt=2  Let me do the work of reading the jokes to you while you are in your car, at home or in the office. So much easier than that reading thing. Ugh. Who wants to do that? Feel free to subscribe to the podcast and make sure to tell all your friends so the word really gets out. That still leaves plenty of time in the day to remember to always keep on sending the love!


Friday, December 07, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says pig hearts could soon be tested as transplants for humans. Which is ironic in that most people needing heart transplants got that way from eating too much bacon.

French President Emmanuel Macron’s ratings have crashed all the way down to 18%. Who does he think he is, the U.S. Congress?

A group of college men is working to ban porn from campuses. If nothing else, with no porn available most male students will be able to graduate two years sooner.

A group of college men is working to ban porn from campuses. The problem is the porn, alcohol and pot on campus is the only difference between college and going back to high school.

A test says people who can’t climb four flights of stairs in one minute without stopping are at risk of dying early. Especially the people who find they get winded pressing the elevator buttons.

A test says people who can’t climb four flights of stairs in one minute without stopping are at risk of dying early. To which most Americans are OK with until they ask “You mean going up?”

The Apple Watch can now detect irregular heart rhythms in wearers. Especially the one that comes when they found out a new Apple Watch is setting them back $400.

Pantone has picked the Color of the Year as “Living Coral.” Mostly as a way to paint the world’s coral after global warming kicks and people can remember what it looked like when it was alive.

Pantone has picked the Color of the Year as “Living Coral.” Which is different from Megyn Kelly’s personal pick of Blackface.

A report says the number of people treated for addiction to anti-anxiety drugs has doubled. Mostly because their real anxiety was wondering if they were going to get their next prescription for anti-anxiety drugs.

A Nevada man has been unable to see, speak or walk after having a reaction to a flu shot. The good news is that at least he doesn’t have the flu.

A claim says 2020 will be the most violent election in U.S. history. Mostly because we don’t have violent elections with barely 40% of the people voting.

A claim says 2020 will be the most violent election in U.S. history. Although the only violence associated with our elections is when someone tries to pry a family member out of their barcalounger to quit watching TV and vote.

New York City is reportedly evicting the homeless off the streets. Which is a pretty tough eviction because what’s left after that besides the sewers and storm drains?

New York City is reportedly evicting the homeless off the streets. How expensive is it when people can’t even afford the rent in a homeless encampment?

Chris Cuomo has become the most watched anchor on CNN. Apparently he beat out Anderson Cooper with a final day’s total of 7 viewers to 4.

Chris Cuomo has become the most watched anchor on CNN. Is that such a big deal? Being the most watched anchor on CNN is like being the best player on the Raiders.

A study says half of all high school students don’t trust the media to report news accurately and fairly. Especially when high school students think the news media is what they read on Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram.

A report says the number of poor people in Brazil has risen by 2 Million. In other words, their population just increased by 2 Million.

Police say a drug dealer in Pennsylvania who was released from prison hijacked a woman’s car in the parking lot. You would think he could have waited until at least getting to the nearest convenience store before getting sent back to the Big House.

A study says half of all American adults have a family member who has been incarcerated. The other half will as well whenever the Mueller investigation finally wraps up.

A study says half of all American adults have a family member who has been incarcerated. Usually right between dessert and football on Thanksgiving Day.

A Florida college student has been arrested after threatening to kill a professor over a 7:00 AM exam time. To which most college students were asking “There’s a 7:00 AM?”

A Florida college student has been arrested after threatening to kill a professor over a 7:00 AM exam time. Although the professor wasn’t too worried as the testing materials allowed meant he was looking at most a paper cut and being stabbed with a #2 pencil.

A Mississippi concertgoer died after an assault to see Five Finger Death Punch. Although police are still trying to figure out if that is the name of the band or the cause of death.

The House has passed a bill to keep the government running through December 21st. Even Congress isn’t excited enough to fund the nation for more than another couple of weeks.

Former Sears CEO Eddie Lampert and his hedge fund have offered $4.6 Billion to buy what’s left of the bankrupt retailer. That is really a tough enforcement by the store of their “You break it, you’ve bought it” policy.

Egyptian actress Rania Youssef was questioned for four hours over a revealing dress she wore to a gala. Although she said it was still not as uncomfortable as being interviewed on the red carpet by Ryan Seacrest.

U.S. household wealth jumped by $2 Trillion from the rising stock market. Which is good news for all the people who can now use it to pay off half the nation’s credit card debt of $4 Trillion.

U.S. household wealth jumped by $2 Trillion from the rising stock market. The problem being that all but $97 of that went to the households of Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates.

A study says computer access doesn’t necessarily make kids smarter. Especially the ones who think the only use for them is to get on Facebook, play video games and watch YouTube videos.

A study says immigrants have a greater life expectancy than the people of their host countries. Mostly because they are immune to all the foreign diseases they are bringing in that no one has ever even heard of before.

A study says immigrants have a greater life expectancy than the people of their host countries. Mostly because if they can survive the food served at the immigration processing centers, they can make it through anything.

A study says immigrants have a greater life expectancy than the people of their host countries. At least until they assimilate into the culture and start eating at McDonald’s every night.

Meghan Markle visited a London college where she discussed the importance of higher education. How else can a person get a degree and a good job where they can then meet and marry a fabulously wealthy Royal?

Meghan Markle visited a London college where she discussed the importance of higher education. It’s important to learn the skills that will get you through life, like raising your pinkie at afternoon tea, the proper parade wave and how to curtsy for the Queen.

Prince William remarked that a green blazer Kate Middleton wore at a function blended in with the Christmas tree. To which she was probably thinking his head blended in with the ornaments.

The Mets GM says Tim Tebow is just “one step away” from the Majors. That step meaning being traded to an actual Major League team.

Some players on the Toronto Maple Leafs will perform in “The Nutcracker” ballet in Canada. Which is not to be confused when a player is on the ice and forgets to wear their cup.

The Secret Service is paying $92,000 to rent golf carts to protect Donald Trump while he is on the course. If they want an electric vehicle that goes faster than other carts and have that much money to spend, why don’t they just buy a new Tesla?

YouTube is deleting videos promoting academic cheating after a BBC investigation. Students need to learn if they want to be successful in the UK they need to study hard, get good grades and marry a member of the Royal Family.

A study says fasting one day a week could have dramatic health benefits. If nothing else, at least the person fasting will end up only six sevenths as morbidly obese.

A study says India’s air pollution killed 1.24 Million people last year. Although in a country of 1.3 Billion, that is one tenth of one percent, meaning more people were killed getting hit by a bus while taking a selfie.

A study explains the creation of the deadly California Carr fire’s “Firenado.” Which has already inspired Hollywood to come up with the script for the ultimate disaster movie, “Firesharknado.”

A study says narcissists are less supportive of democratic norms. Which explains how we have become a nation that is governed through an endless series of tweets.

A study says California has the worst drivers in the nation. You try driving on the 405 Freeway every day with 8 Million other people who all want to get off at the same exit at once.

A study says California has the worst drivers in the nation. Mostly because it’s hard to stay in your own lane even when going 3 MPH during rush hour while you are trying to take selfies and text them out to all your friends.

North Dakota was named the best state for driving. Mostly because who even needs airbags there when every time anyone goes off the road they are cushioned by a soft bank of snow?

North Dakota was named the best state for driving. Mostly because even while spinning out of control at 105 MPH while driving drunk, the worst that can happen is running into a tumbleweed.

A survey says couples are agreeing to limit their holiday spending this year. Mostly by giving up shopping on Black Friday which saves a ton of money by cutting out all those visits to the ER.

A survey says couples are agreeing to limit their holiday spending this year. Which leaves a little extra cash to use to order something nice from Amazon for the porch pirates.

Michael Avenatti has joined the Statue of Liberty protester’s legal team. Which people are now asking “Does this have something to do with Donald Trump grabbing Lady Liberty?”

For the first time, any Cuban can sign up for Internet service through their mobile phone. To which 99% of all Cubans are asking “What’s a mobile phone?”

A Catholic school teacher in Pennsylvania says she was fired for getting pregnant while not married. Which is ironic as that same story is pretty much the foundation of the entire Church.

A Catholic school teacher in Pennsylvania says she was fired for getting pregnant while not married. Which would have been perfectly acceptable in the public schools, at least as long as the father was an attending student.

The fire chief of Santa Cruz, California has retired at age 52 to take his “dream job” with Facebook. That’s because most people are dreaming when they think they can still work at Facebook when they are over 40.

Astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson is being accused of sexual misconduct by a fourth woman. Apparently she is claiming he wasn’t using his telescope to just look at the stars.

Astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson is being accused of sexual misconduct by a fourth woman. Apparently he went from being Neil deGrasse Tyson to thinking he is Mike Tyson.

The Boston Globe panned Elizabeth Warren as a “divisive figure” in 2020. Which has already drawn complaints from the Trump campaign, saying she is stealing their election strategy.

Donald Trump says his approval rating would be 75% without the Mueller investigation. Mostly because it’s takes so much time to replace all his staff members who have been sent to jail.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, which means the weekend is here. That means plenty of time to relax and catch up on all the previous episodes of the podcast “News Jokes By Jim” that you may have missed. It’s my daily podcast which is pretty much me reading and commenting on the jokes right here. It’s so much easier than trying to read them all for yourself. I believe in full service. Just click on this link to find it: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-12-6-2018/id1416271102?i=1000425280600&mt=2  Feel free to subscribe and make sure to tell all your friends about it. Sent out the link on social media so we can get the numbers up and give me an incentive to keep it going. And when you go to a political rally, hold up a sign behind the candidate saying “News Jokes By Jim” so it gets picked up by the cameras. Also at sporting events while you are wearing a rainbow wig. What? It’s already been done” Darn. Anyway, have a great weekend and make sure to also set aside some time to remember to always keep on sending the love!