Friday, April 24, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that 54% of Americans say that Hillary Clinton is not honest or trustworthy. Which is good news since 92% feel the same way about every other politician.

Comcast is reportedly walking away from its proposed take over of Time Warner Cable. They said their final decision will be made between 8 and 5 sometime in the next three weeks.

An Italian doctor says that he could transplant a human head onto a donor’s body with the procedure taking less than an hour. Which means that it could take even less time and make the whole transition that much easier for Bruce Jenner.

An Italian doctor says that he could transplant a human head onto a donor’s body with the procedure taking less than an hour. Although some people are a little concerned with his recent purchase from the French government of a discarded guillotine.

An Italian doctor says that he could transplant a human head onto a donor’s body with the procedure taking less than an hour. Which for most people would be so much more practical to have their head quickly reattached to an already hot body instead of going under the knife for several hours for a tummy tuck and butt lift.

A study says that one third of Americans saving for retirement have put away less than $1,000. Which is good compared to the other two thirds who can hardly wait to start saving just as soon as they actually can find a job.

A study says that one third of Americans saving for retirement have put away less than $1,000. Which doesn’t matter because the other two thirds know everything they have managed to save is going to be gone by the time they pay their kids’ final college tuition bill.

Miami Dolphins tackle A.J. Francis is moonlighting as a driver for Uber. The only thing is that once a passenger gives him a destination, there are no audibles.

A study says that self driving “taxibots” could cut the number of cars on the road by 90%. The only thing that could take even more cars off the road is if the taxibots were all placed in Chryslers.

Officials in Puerto Rico say a government shutdown is imminent because of a cash crisis. Which is a poor excuse since being out of money for the past 50 years hasn’t stopped the U.S. government.

Officials in Puerto Rico say a government shutdown is imminent because of a cash crisis. The only question everyone is asking is when has Puerto Rico ever had any cash in the first place?

A study says that pot smokers may have false memories. Like about the times they actually got off the couch and did something productive.

Charles Koch says he is not in politics to boost his bottom line. He is in it more to give other wealthy Americans the same opportunity he had to become one of the super rich.

A financial broker in London is being charged with causing a flash crash that caused the stock market to lose $1 Trillion. Which is known on Wall Street as applying for a position at Goldman Sachs.

Chipotle says it will start a delivery service. To which Hillary Clinton says sounds like a great idea as long as the driver doesn’t expect a tip.

A report says that families are spending an average of $324 for their kids’ “promposals,” elaborate ways of asking someone to go to the prom. Although a better idea is to find someone out of your league and just pay them $324 to be your date.

Pete Rose will be allowed to participate in activities at this years All-Star game in Cincinnati. Rose is reportedly being very cooperative, saying he will set up his autograph table anywhere they tell him.

Cablevision is offering an Internet package designed strictly for cord cutters. Which is amazing they have to take those steps as there wouldn’t even be any cord cutters if the cable companies ever offered any decent prices and service.

A poll says there has been little change in the number of Americans who own stocks over the past six years. They still own their stocks, it’s just that in the meantime they lost their house, car and job.

A survey says that 31% of Americans say that real estate is the best long term investment. The other 69% are still living in their cars while trying to get through bankruptcy proceedings over their home foreclosure.

Amazon and Audi are teaming up to deliver packages to the trunks of peoples’ cars. So far there have already been several parties interested in having several shovels placed in the trunks of some black sedans in New Jersey.

A survey says that half of all employers are planning to offer higher salaries this year over last. But mostly only in areas that are seeing an increase in the minimum wage law.

United Airlines says it expects a record profit in the second quarter. Which is much more realistic than their passengers who are expecting an on time flight with good service.

A study says that a four year college tuition for a private university will be $262,000 by 2033. The worst part is that will be for a degree in the only professions left by then, convenience store management or ride sharing driver.

A study says that a four year college tuition for a private university will be $262,000 by 2033. Which will be great just as long as the salary for 7-Eleven employees is up to $93,000 a year by then.

An analysis says that Switzerland is the happiest country. Apparently Disneyland lost its title of the “Happiest place on Earth” when Switzerland thought ahead and had all of its people get immunized from measles.

A poll says that U.S. job loss fear has dropped to pre-recession levels. That’s because before the recession, they actually had jobs that they didn’t want to lose.

GM CEO Mary Barra says the company is not looking for any mergers. Although there are some business experts who say that GM and Chrysler could save millions of dollars by merging and just consolidating all their recalls.

A survey says that Portland, Oregon is the city with the most residents with no religious affiliation. Mostly because the Pacific northwest is pretty much godless when it comes to people who claim to be Sun worshippers.

Scientists say they have taken the first images showing taste buds in action. Even though the photos were very stark and revealing, the researchers made sure the pictures were all tastefully shot.

A study says a challenging job may help those who are suffering dementia. Which explains why Ronald Reagan had such a successful presidency.

A study says a challenging job may help those who are suffering dementia. Which means the job will be even more challenging for everyone else in the office who have to go back and take care of all the tasks their co-workers forgot.

A study says that high morale is linked to a longer life. Which is bad news for the researchers who spend their entire careers putting together meaningless studies like this.

A study says that high morale is linked to a longer life. Which is good news for Cubs fans who will at least know that the suffering won’t be prolonged.

Researchers say that sugar acts as a stress reliever. Just ask anyone who uses sugary soft drinks as mixers with their favorite alcohol during happy hour.

A report says that antibiotics shortages are on the increase in the U.S. Which is no big deal since anyone who really needs antibiotics can get their daily dosage by just making each meal with a serving of chicken, beef or pork.

The Attorney General of New York has filed a lawsuit against tanning salons, saying they are downplaying the health risks of tanning. To which the salons say it is much safer to be inside in a tanning booth than actually out on the streets in New York.

Dr. Oz has responded to his critics, saying that his program is not a medical show. Just like everyone knows that Fox is not a news channel.

Dr. Oz has responded to his critics, saying that his program is not a medical show. Just like people thought “House” was a show about real estate.

Dr. Oz has responded to his critics, saying that his program is not a medical show. Apparently he has no idea why people watching a show featuring a cardiothoracic surgeon appearing every day in scrubs might have something to do with medicine.

Khloe Kardashian is reportedly writing an advice book. People were surprised. One of the Kardashians knows how to write?

Khloe Kardashian is reportedly writing an advice book. The best advice she could give anyone is how to be like the Kardashians and make a fortune without doing anything or having any actual skills.

Youtube turned 10 years old this week. People aren’t sure what is worse, Youtube clogging up the Internet with billions of cat videos or spawning the career of Justin Bieber.

“Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards has admitted her claims of three years of sobriety were a sham. The first clue that she wasn’t sober was letting herself be filmed as part of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

A documentary says that celebrities at the White House Correspondents Association dinner couldn’t name one correspondent. The worst part is that the celebrities they were asking were the correspondents.

A documentary says that celebrities at the White House Correspondents Association dinner couldn’t name one correspondent. Mostly because the documentary producers said any reporters from “The Daily Show” didn’t count.

Native Americans walked off the set of the latest Adam Sandler movie because they said the movie was insulting. At least they didn’t throw away eight dollars like the people who will walk out of the movie theaters the film is playing in for the same reason.

The Washington Redskins say they will pay $1 Million to anyone who correctly picks all 32 first round NFL draft choices. Mostly because they have no idea of who they should pick so they just want to see who everyone else thinks is good.

An age discrimination lawsuit against Google says that the company’s median age is 29. The creepy part is that anyone who reaches that age is referred to as “Logan.”

An age discrimination lawsuit against Google says that the company’s median age is 29. Although the company says the person bringing the lawsuit was not hired because he kept asking where the tube testing machine was.

The Pentagon has announced a new strategy for cyberwarfare. Although most people are still waiting for them to announce a strategy for the war in Iraq.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s Friday, and that means only one thing. Tomorrow is Saturday. And yesterday was Thursday. OK, it means two things. It also means you will have to somehow live without any more of my jokes until Monday. But that means you will have all kinds of free time to tell all your friends about the blog so I can once again continue my quest for 7 Billion daily readers. And in the few precious minutes between getting out the word of my blog, make sure to remember to take the time to send the love!

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

McDonald’s says it is going to develop a new turnaround plan to deal with falling sales. Which is ironic in that falling sales mean people are eating less McDonald’s food which means they will be able to turn around without knocking down everyone within three feet of them.

Residents in Scranton, Pennsylvania woke up earlier this week to find their neighborhood covered in toilet paper that may have been dropped by a plane. Apparently the pilot felt that if he was going to drop toilet paper anywhere, Scranton was the obvious target of choice.

San Francisco may ban chewing tobacco from stadium fields. Which is good news for opposing teams at AT&T Park who don’t want to step in puddles of tobacco juice as they find it difficult enough not to step on all the syringes.

Jeb Bush has reportedly adopted the caveman diet to lose weight. He says it was so easy even his brother could do it.

The USDA says it is OK to eat food that is up to 18 months past its expiration date. The hard part is getting the spoon inside the carton to dish out last year’s milk.

The USDA says it is OK to eat food that is up to 18 months past its expiration date. To which the people of Taco Bell are saying “We told you so.”

A report says the IRS deliberately cut their own customer service budget in order to trim costs. The move to reduce their customer service staff may have saved them as much as $12.75.

President Obama says there is less violence in the world today than there was 40 years ago. Apparently he hasn’t tuned in to any AM radio talk shows lately.

A New York City woman claims that Uber charged her $16,000 for a seven mile car ride through Manhattan. Apparently the driver took the passenger on the more scenic route through North Carolina.

An associate dean from the University of Virginia blasted Rolling Stone magazine for their flawed article about sexual assault on the campus. Not only that, but the magazine also gave Passion Pit’s new album only two and a half stars out of five.

A SkyWest flight had to make an emergency landing in Buffalo after a passenger lost consciousness. Officials knew it was an emergency when a plane actually requested permission to land in Buffalo.

The Supreme Court appears ready to rule against the California Raisin Board that allows them to seize part of farmers’ crops. The lawsuit claims that the statute was misused in a plot to kidnap several members of the Post Rain Brand dancing raisins.

A Carnival cruise ship that had been stranded at sea by powerful waves has made it into Sydney Harbor. Passengers were concerned because the itinerary didn’t call for them to be stranded at sea until day four of the cruise.

A study says the average American family throws away $2,200 worth of food a year. Which isn’t a bad thing as just imagine how fat we would be if we were eating even that much more.

A study says the average American family throws away $2,200 worth of food a year. Which is amazing when you figure the UK doesn’t waste anywhere near that amount and they have haggis on the menu.

A report says the overloaded IRS phone system hung up on 8 Million taxpayers this year. The good news is that it also hung up on 12 Million refinancing deals, 15 Million car warranty salespersons and 22 Million offers for travel packages.

A report says the overloaded IRS phone system hung up on 8 Million taxpayers this year. Economists were shocked. There were 8 Million Americans with enough of an income to have questions for the IRS?

A study says the top technology people want in their cars are blind spot detectors, night vision assistance and collision avoidance. Or they could achieve the same results by driving the old fashioned way by putting down their smartphone and actually paying attention behind the wheel.

The Food Network is bringing 24 new shows to its prime time lineup. Since it is the food network they want to load up their “prime” time with a good “choice” for their viewers to “select.”

The Food Network is bringing 24 new shows to its prime time lineup. In order to more closely connect with its audience, the network will also add reruns of “Jake and the Fatman,” “Mike & Molly” and “Fat Albert.”

A study says that happy faces make up nearly half of all emojis sent online. There is a word for the half of people online who don’t send any emojis. Men.

Scientists have figured out how to tell if someone is an online troll. Apparently it is pretty much anyone who has ever felt the need to comment on a Youtube video.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio aims to cut the city’s trash output by 90% by 2030. Mostly by having people put their garbage out with signs saying “for sale” and just wait for someone to steal it.

New technology may be able to prevent car accidents by using cameras to read the driver’s body language. Like when their eyes aren’t on the road because they have been playing Candy Crush and sending out texts for the past three minutes.

New technology may be able to prevent car accidents by using cameras to read the driver’s body language. Like being able to predict a collision when the person behind the wheel has flipped off the last 14 cars that have passed them.

New technology may be able to prevent car accidents by using cameras to read the driver’s body language. Or when the person getting in behind the wheel is Suge Knight.

McDonald’s is closing 700 stores this year to try to reduce poor sales performers. It is the first time “McDonald’s” and “reduce” have ever been used together in the same sentence.

Google has announced a new wireless phone service called “Fi.” As opposed to Sprint whose wireless service is called “F.U.”

Google has announced a new wireless phone service called “Fi.” Which means their monthly billing statement will be called the Fi fee.

Oklahoma admits that an increase in earthquake activity is related to oilfield wastewater injection. And all this time people around the state thought it was just from too much cow tipping.

A report says that Spain has the fastest recreational runners in the world. You would be pretty fast, too if they let bulls run down your street for a few weeks every year.

Smartphone data is now being used to treat asthma sufferers. Which is ironic in that one of the biggest causes of asthma attacks is when people start wheezing and gasping for air while they are watching porn on their cellphone.

A study says that children with ADHD learn better if they are allowed to fidget. Which means the one thing they have really learned is that no one wants to take on the challenge of trying to make a hyper kids sit still.

A doctors’ group is urging to ban flavoring and TV ads for e-cigarettes. Mostly because they don’t want to see a rehash of old commercials for Newport, Pall Mall and Kool.

A study says that mindfulness therapy may be as good as medication for depression. Especially when the patients see how much money they are saving just on their monthly pharmacy bill.

A study says that sugary drinks are related to heart disease. But mostly because they are the drink of choice to wash down a lunch consisting of a Big Mac, Papa John’s pizza slices and KFC wings.

A Florida man is facing charges after being hospitalized while trying to kiss a venomous snake. Legal experts were surprised. Can you legally prosecute someone for being stupid?

A Florida man is facing charges after being hospitalized while trying to kiss a venomous snake. The bad luck of having to pay for a lawyer as well as his hospital bills caused the man to say that lately he is just snakebit.

A hyper accurate atomic clock will reportedly not be off by even a second over 15 Billion years. The only problem is that the scientists who invented it still keep forgetting to reset it for Daylight Saving Time.

A hyper accurate atomic clock will reportedly not be off by even a second over 15 Billion years. The only problem is the 15 Billion year goal is going to have to be put on hold at least until they can find batteries that last for more than a couple of months.

Gwyneth Paltrow has officially filed for divorce from her husband Chris Martin. Apparently the official paperwork took so long because they couldn’t find a court that would actually acknowledge the legal term of “conscious uncoupling.”

Sandra Bullock has been chosen as People magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman for 2015 at age 50. Apparently she won by default as the judges are now demanding that to be eligible, all candidates need to have at least 65% original parts.

Katy Perry’s Left Shark trademark application has been denied, meaning it is OK for companies to make unregistered knockoffs. Which means you can now buy t-shirts that will go in the closet right next to the ones with dancing baby, Grumpy Cat and Hampster Dance.

Mila Kunis is being sued for stealing a pet chicken from a childhood friend in the Ukraine. Which explains why Vladimir Putin thought it would be so easy to invade and take over the entire country.

An appeals court has overturned Barry Bonds’ conviction for obstruction. The only obstruction he will never remove is the roadblock that has been set up on all the roads leading in to Cooperstown.

The Yankees and Tigers scored 12 runs in two innings while playing in a snow storm. The Yankees haven’t seen that much snow since Dwight Gooden was still a member of the team.

A report says that hacking attacks on businesses were up 40% last year. It would have been even more except that some companies are finally coming up with a better password than “12345.”

A report says that hacking attacks on businesses were up 40% last year. Mostly because the NSA finally got tired of hacking into personal accounts and only finding a bunch of cat videos.

A new video game makes the player relive the same day over and over again. In other words, the life of a video game player.

A study says that Super Bowl ads are less gender offensive than in the past. Mostly because they dropped the Swedish Bikini Team commercials back in 1993.

A study says that Super Bowl ads are less gender offensive than in the past. Mostly because advertisers know that women are the only ones who are still sober enough to actually be able to watch the commercials after the first quarter.

Facebook says it is now serving up 4 Billion videos a day. The only question is where do people find all those cats to film?

Facebook says it is now serving up 4 Billion videos a day. Which still doesn’t answer the question of what those other 3 Billion people on the planet are eating for breakfast every day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Speaking of 7 Billion people on the planet in my last posted joke today, I am still on my quest to have that many daily readers. So far, still not looking very good. That’s where you come in. If each of you tells about 100 Million new people about my blog, the word could spread to where I reach my goal. So try to get on that today if you could. In the meantime, I still am satisfied just whenever all of you remember to keep sending the love!

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Department of Energy is warning that modern life could be in danger from threats of terror and climate change to the electric grid. Almost as much as from the poor service, lack of maintenance and rising prices from utility companies.

The Department of Energy is warning that modern life could be in danger from threats of terror and climate change to the electric grid. Although not quite as much as the threat to modern life from people sitting around all day watching cat videos on Facebook.

A rare quadruple rainbow was seen over Long Island last week following strong storms. There haven’t been that many rainbow sightings over the region since all the bed and breakfasts opened up back in the 1990s.

Beverly Hills says it may start fining water wasters up to $1,000. This could really hurt some of the poorer Beverly Hills families who are filling up ponds for sturgeon so they can save a little money in these tough times by making their own caviar.

A bird flu outbreak on an Iowa farm means that more than 5 Million chickens will have to be destroyed. Although some chickens are saying it is a conspiracy that is being carried out by those who worship and want to carry out the unfinished genocidal plans of Colonel Sanders.

A report says that law schools are seeing their lowest enrollment in years. The worst part is that students’ entrance exam scores are too low which means they can’t get into law school to sue the school districts that gave them an inferior education.

A NASA study about the effects of long distance space travel will pay people $18,000 to stay in bed for 70 straight days. Which is ironic in that the very definition of being paid to lie around all day is pretty much working for NASA.

A NASA study about the effects of long distance space travel will pay people $18,000 to stay in bed for 70 straight days. Or they could save a lot of money and just go to Colorado and Washington state where pot is legal and watch the students in any freshman dorm.

A report says that Hillary Clinton’s “Scooby” van was clocked at 92 miles an hour on a New Hampshire highway. Mostly because Bill Clinton was driving and he heard a rumor of a pajama party at one of the Dartmouth sororities.

A report says that Hillary Clinton’s “Scooby” van was clocked at 92 miles an hour on a New Hampshire highway. Which isn’t unusual for most vehicles, at least the ones that are headed out of New Hampshire.

A survey says most authors make less than minimum wage from their writing. Which for anyone who has ever read anything by Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh will say, that sounds like fair compensation.

A 70 year old woman was arrested at JFK Airport with four pounds of cocaine hidden in her Spanx. She almost got away with it as she knew it would be hard to find anyone making TSA salary who would volunteer to search a 70 year old woman wearing Spanx.

A California man has been awarded $650,000 after he was beaten by Sheriff’s deputies while trying to get away on horseback. Unfortunately for him, he was an environmentally conscientious criminal who tried to escape from the law on the day his Prius was still in the shop.

A California man has been awarded $650,000 after he was beaten by Sheriff’s deputies while trying to get away on horseback. Authorities say he must be a great handicapper, which is the only way anyone has ever won that much money off a slow horse.

Customs officials found 700 weapons inside a house in Germany. Which was a surprise because it is much more of a custom to have 700 weapons inside a home in Texas.

A financial trader in the UK has been arrested for manipulating the market which led to the 2010 “flash crash.” A conviction could lead to a corner office on the 45th floor of a Wall Street bank building.

A financial trader in the UK has been arrested for manipulating the market which led to the 2010 “flash crash.” Or as that is known on Wall Street, a “job description.”

Queen Elizabeth II was greeted with gun salutes on her 89th birthday. Mostly because at her age it’s pretty much the only kind of celebration she can still actually hear.

Queen Elizabeth II was greeted with gun salutes on her 89th birthday. Which at that age is pretty much it for her official duties for the year.

Lindsey Vonn says that Tiger Woods is a better skier than she is a golfer. Although she needs to know that Arnold Schwarzenegger, Michael Jordan and Ashton Kutcher would be better husbands than Tiger.

A Guantanamo Bay prisoner who has been on a hunger strike for 9 years says he would like to go home. He says he wants to go back to his own country where he can have a choice of home cooked meals to refuse to eat.

A poll says that U.S. parents’ college fund worries is their top financial concern. Just wait until they pay for their kids’ education and then have to support them while they live in the basement playing video games the next ten years.

A report says the average domestic summer air fare has dropped $2.01. Well, that’s good news in that it will help offset the fees for baggage, booking, boarding, drinks, food, blankets and Wi-Fi access on all those flights.

Spirit has been rated the worst airline for customer support. The worst part is they beat out United Airlines where people say the best part of any flight is going through the TSA security check line.

A report says that employers cut jobs in 31 states last month as the economy slowed. The other 19 states Apparently saw enough of an expansion of 7-Eleven, GoMart and Circle K stores to keep most of their people on the payroll.

A poll says for the first time since President Obama has been in office, a majority of Americans say the economy is doing well. Mostly the ones who have given up and just figure it can’t get much worse.

A poll says for the first time since President Obama has been in office, a majority of Americans say the economy is doing well. Especially the ones who have forgotten what things used to be like before 2000.

A report says that undocumented workers paid $11.8 Billion in state and local taxes in 2012. Unlike Americans who speak English and get an education which in turn shows them how to beat the system and pay the government nothing.

A report says that undocumented workers paid $11.8 Billion in state and local taxes in 2012. The worst part is they are now complaining about all the unemployed Americans who are eating up all their tax money in government handouts.

South Dakota has a new slogan which says their state is “Better than Mars.” To which people in the surrounding region say that might be a stretch and to be a bit more realistic they should have just stuck with “Better than North Dakota.”

A study says that crickets may not be that much of a benefit ecologically as a food and don’t contain as much protein as advertised. The good news is that on both counts they still beat out KFC.

A study says that ingesting a small amount of insulin may act like a vaccine to prevent type 1 diabetes. The only bad part is that the people taking it want to know if it is OK to make it taste better by mixing it in with some sugar.

The CDC says the Blue Bell ice cream outbreak has been going on for five years. It’s just too bad the CDC didn’t have anyone to tell who had the authority to actually do something about it.

The CDC says the Blue Bell ice cream outbreak has been going on for five years. Apparently the CDC would have done something about it sooner, but it was a shame to take something off the market that was so creamy and delicious.

The Church of Scientology says the new documentary “Going Clear” is “propaganda.” Although they do say it is easier to follow than any of Tom Cruise’s “Mission Impossible” films.

The Church of Scientology says the new documentary “Going Clear” is “propaganda.” Although they say they would rather watch that than see another showing of John Travolta in “Staying Alive.”

Jessa Duggar and her husband have announced she is pregnant. It’s nice to find a family that is able to stick with what they do best.

The ”Kylie Jenner Challenge” where people try to emulate her full lips look is reportedly leading to young women suffering bruised mouths. Although anyone who is a regular viewer of “The Kardashians” is challenged enough in other ways that need some psychological attention.

A 100 carat diamond ring was auctioned for $22 Million. Even Kobe Bryant is asking what that guy must have done wrong.

Johnny Manziel’s Cleveland Browns teammates say they think he can be successful in the NFL. Which would carry more weight if it came from people who weren’t playing for the Cleveland Browns.

Dwight Howard reportedly has 50 guns and 20 snakes inside his Houston home. Or as those are called in the Houston home building market, “standard features.”

Josh Hamilton says he will report soon to the Angels extended spring training. That is not to be confused with the Cubs extended spring training, which is otherwise known as the regular season.

LeBron James says he will give up social media through the playoffs. Apparently he decided to do it now instead of during Lent, as Cleveland’s playoff run will probably take a lot less than 42 days.

Researchers have found and opened some 170 year old bottles of Champagne from a shipwreck. They described the aroma as “grilled, spicy, smoky and leathery.” In other words it is the perfect vintage that they should be serving to go along with the food at Sizzler.

Some Capital One credit cards come with a 20% discount off rides with Uber. The only problem is that Uber is mostly used by people who can only afford to use Discover.

Twitter is broadening its ban on threats of violence by locking out violators. Which means Twitter will go back to only allowing tweets from stalkers, spammers and perverts.

Scientists say a mysterious condition causes people to live life in the third person. How annoying would that be to have every day feel like you are in “The Wonder Years”?

The Chief Financial Officer of Twitter was paid a $73 Million bonus last year. Apparently the award was put together and approved through the office of the Chief Financial Officer.”

Levi Strauss and Co. on Earth Day asked people to wash their jeans less frequently. To which most men are asking “You’re supposed to wash Levis?”

Uber has bowed to pressure from German about the rates they charge. The Germans were surprised it was a company based in the U.S. They figured anyone folding that fast had to be French.

A lawyer is suing for a $1 Billion campaign to warn drivers not to use smartwatches while behind the wheel. Apparently the watches are liable to distract them from the smartphones and tablets they are texting and watching TV shows with while driving.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sometimes some of the jokes I write hit close to home. Like the one today about writers making minimum wage for their work. I have a name for those people. Lucky dogs! Minimum wage would sound pretty good for what I do here. Which in the minds of most people would make me overpaid. Maybe someday. In the meantime, to me it’s like getting a check in the mail every time you all remember to send the love!

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Norway will become the first country to shut down FM radio and go strictly digital. To which anyone under 30 is asking “What’s FM radio?”

Norway will become the first country to shut down FM radio and go strictly digital. The only question is why do the Norwegians insist on having the latest audio technology so they can sit around and listen to polka?

Norway will become the first country to shut down FM radio and go strictly digital. The U.S. will never shut down AM radio because it is how the authorities can keep track of all the nut cases who haven’t yet been put away in an institution.

A poll says that Americans put gun rights above gun control. Because people want guns to protect themselves from the government which has gone out of control because no one cares what they do as long as they don’t try to take their guns away.

A Canadian couple is suing a U.S. sperm bank for reportedly lying about the mental and physical health of a donor. The woman said if she wanted to find a mate who lied about their background she would have just gone to Match.com.

A study says that young girls’ mental health is being damaged by the vast number of sexualized images on social media. The way to tell when someone has really suffered mental impairment is when they then start using social media to post their cat videos.

CNN says it has hired nearly 40 political reporters to boost its ratings. If they really wanted to boost their ratings they should have spent the money to hire 40 viewers.

Sweatworking, the practice of meeting clients for exercise instead of over drinks is becoming more popular in many businesses. Until now, the best way to see people sweat at work was to conduct performance reviews right after announcing some upcoming layoffs.

An activist says that the fracking boom only creates jobs for women as maids and prostitutes. Which is exactly the same thing that happened with the state payroll of California while Arnold Schwarzenegger was governor.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo met with top Cuban government officials in Havana. Now that diplomatic relations are being restored, he was there to talk about trade, tourism and more importantly beefing up the Yankees bullpen.

Fires in Siberia are said to be responsible for recent brilliant red sunsets over the Pacific Northwest. Which may finally explain what Sarah Palin meant what she said when she could see Russia from her backyard.

Bloomberg News won the Pulitzer Prize for explanatory reporting. Didn’t explaining an issue in full detail used to be just called “reporting”?

The TSA says full screenings for airport workers wouldn’t lower the risk for the public’s safety. Mostly because of the riots that would be caused by airport employees going through a full security check adding another three day delay to all the flights.

A lawsuit says that Southwest Airlines didn’t respond to an inflight medical emergency which resulted in the death of a passenger. Although Southwest claims they haven’t had to deal with any medical emergencies since they stopped serving inflight meals.

Police in North Carolina say a woman placed a cricket on her plate in a restaurant in order to get a free meal. She would have gotten away with it except she did it in a Taco Bell where they said if she didn’t like crickets she should have ordered off the vegetarian menu.

Willie Nelson has launched his new line of marijuana called “Willie’s Reserve.” It will be advertised on TV and radio along with the reworked jingle, “On The Floor Again.”

Google is letting people download their entire search history. There is no fee for the service other than for the men who lose half of what they own when their wives see what they have been doing on their computer the past few years.

Google is letting people download their entire search history. So far the only people using it are the men who want to go back and check out some of their favorite old porn sites they had forgotten about.

Kraft says that starting next year it will stop using artificial dyes in its macaroni and cheese and color it with paprika, annatto and turmeric. Mostly because they are afraid of just putting it on the market with its natural factory blue-green tint.

Kraft says that starting next year it will stop using artificial dyes in its macaroni and cheese and color it with paprika, annatto and turmeric. The company says it will be all natural, especially the main ingredients which are still the usual salt and fat.

Frederick’s of Hollywood has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. In fact, they are providing the necessary underwear to their legal team in case they are called on to file any briefs.

A new BMW car will be able to park itself with remote control. Which is great for people in San Francisco where the nearest parking spot is in Marin County.

A new BMW car will be able to park itself with remote control. Not to be outdone, Chrysler is coming up with a system where the car automatically calls for a tow truck every 100 miles.

Twitter has made it easier to receive private messages from anyone and everyone. Which is great news for anyone who wants to get their smartphone jammed up with 8 Million messages a day from teenage girls sending tweets to Justin Bieber.

A poll says that most Americans believe that medical marijuana should not be used by children. Especially for adults who are on medical marijuana and suspect their kids are getting into the stash.

A poll says that most Americans believe that medical marijuana should not be used by children. To which most children agree, saying that medical marijuana is nowhere near as potent as the weed they can get from their friends.

A study says that pets can transmit diseases to their owners. Which explains that the next time Alec Baldwin is foaming at the mouth he needs to be reminded to inoculate all of his animals for rabies.

A technique used in the Adam Sandler film “50 First Dates” is being used as a treatment for dementia. Which is ironic in that most people who go to see an Adam Sandler film are always looking for ways to forget that they just wasted two hours and eight bucks.

A study says that tamper resistant Oxycontin is curbing abuse of the drug. Who knew that all it took to win the war on drugs was to use child resistant caps?

A study says that obese people fall into six groups. Which has always been the case, except that researchers don’t like to use the traditional terms of “whale,” “lard bottom,” “wide load”...

The tour bus for country group Lady Antebellum caught fire while driving down a highway in Texas. The only problem was that authorities at first ignored the blaze, figuring that a bus billowing out smoke just meant that Willie Nelson was on tour again.

A dress worn by Vivian Leigh in “Gone With The Wind” has sold for $137,000. Although when it comes to dresses, the term “Gone With The Wind” now refers to any Lilly Pulitzer selections on display at Target.

Bruce Jenner says he can’t let himself hurt his family. What he doesn’t realize is that a family that includes Kris Jenner, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West is on the road to self destruction no matter what anyone else does.

Holly Taylor says she is playing a 15 year old whose “whole life is a lie” in “The Americans.” No one had any idea the series was based on Justin Bieber.

Randy Travis has gotten married again. Which sounds like the first line of someone’s next country song.

Roseanne Barr says she is losing her eyesight because of glaucoma and macular degeneration. The cruelest part of the story is that her singing voice is as strong as ever.

AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd has pleaded guilty for threatening to kill a former employee. That’s the last time he sings backup vocals on “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.”

AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd has pleaded guilty for threatening to kill a former employee. Apparently he misunderstood when the other band members were lamenting the group hadn’t had a hit since 1991.

L.A. Clippers owner Steve Ballmer has turned the Lakers locker room into a lounge for the playoffs. Which is ironic in that the Clippers locker room was pretty much a lounge for the team’s first 30 years.

New Orleans Pelicans coach Monty Williams says the Golden State Warriors home games are too loud. Which is a matter of perspective, especially when you are coaching a team that gives its fans barely enough reason to make a library seem too rowdy.

Alex Rodriguez says he is “having the time of my life.” Which is understandable for someone who was suspended an entire season for cheating but will still manage to pick up $61 Million over the next three years.

A World War II ship that was used in atom bomb testing has been found “amazingly intact” at the bottom of the ocean. The news was welcomed by the CEO of Carnival Cruise Lines who said “Whew! For a minute I thought that was one of ours.”

The Hubble Telescope is set to turn 25 years old. Which is ironic in that using a telescope to look through the wrong window can also get you sent up for 25 years.

Ride sharing service Uber is being sued for discriminating against blind passengers. Which doesn’t make sense because blind people would be the only ones who would actually take a ride from an Uber driver who pulls up in a Kia.

Researchers in Australia have reportedly made a dress out of beer. If the same material is used to make other clothes, it will give a completely different meaning when they rub their t-shirt and say they have a six pack there.

Researchers in Australia have reportedly made a dress out of beer. If they can make a matching jacket out of Vegemite, the woman can advertise herself as dinner and a date.

Researchers at MIT have developed a gesture-enabled touchpad that fits on a thumbnail. However, if it is truly gesture-enabled maybe it would be more appropriate to put it on the middle finger.

Twitter financial chief Anthony Noto made a reported $73 Million last year. Now it makes sense why Twitter is set up for 140 characters, to make room for all the zeros when the company executives brag to each other about the size of their yearly bonus.

Halliburton has cut 9,000 jobs since the drop in the price of oil. Which is a big turnaround from the millions of jobs they created while looking new oil sources when they convinced the Army to declare war on Iraq.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Yesterday was National Marijuana Day, also known as 4/20. The reason you didn’t hear anything about it is because the pot heads knew there was supposed to be something they needed to celebrate but won’t figure it out until the middle of next week. In the meantime, everything else is business as usual including my cranking out several dozen jokes a day. Which probably are a lot more funny to the people celebrating 4/20. Of course, I have a celebration anytime my readers take the time to remember to send the love!

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Two Oklahoma men stabbed each other while arguing which is better, Apple or Android. Cases like this demonstrate that at some point we will have to stop calling them “smartphones.”

A New York Times article says that the U.S. is falling from its role as the world economic leader. Which is good news for everyone who was worried the rest of the planet is in worse economic shape than the U.S.

A New York Times article says that the U.S. is falling from its role as the world economic leader. Which is ironic coming from the Times which is now selling fewer copies every day than the Sacramento Bee.

The IRS says a Texas businessman and his late brother owe $3.2 Billion in back taxes. Apparently they didn’t have time to keep up with what the brothers owed since they were too busy putting liens on the homes and bank accounts of people who were two days late filing their returns for their $50,000 yearly income.

The IRS says a Texas businessman and his late brother owe $3.2 Billion in back taxes. People were full of questions. Mostly what business is there that generates that kind of income?

A group of doctors is calling for the Columbia University Department of Surgery to remove TV’s Dr. Oz from his post as vice chairman. Although the request is being questioned as the group is calling for him to be replaced by Dr. McDreamy.

A group of doctors is calling for the Columbia University Department of Surgery to remove TV’s Dr. Oz from his post as vice chairman. Apparently the school agrees that some of Dr. Oz’s recommendations are questionable, but apparently they like the fact the products he endorses makes for a lot more practice cadavers for their students.

A chiropractor in Iowa has lost his license for performing exorcisms. As it turns out, in the movie “The Exorcist” all Linda Blair needed for a cure when her head spun around was a good spinal manipulation.

A chiropractor in Iowa has lost his license for performing exorcisms. Apparently some people around the state thought the ritual was called for ever since the state was descended on by Rand Paul, Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton.

A report says that 600 Army and National Guard forces participated in a drill in New Jersey to assess and identify chemical, biological or nuclear incidents. The only question is realizing that a chemical, biological or nuclear incident is taking place in New Jersey.

The drought in California is drying wells to the point where a water official says the Central Valley looks like “a third world country.” It turns out that he made the statement because he didn’t realize Fresno always looks like that.

Two Vermont legislators are telling their colleagues to pass a bill legalizing marijuana or they will introduce legislation to ban alcohol from the state. Which is a strong threat when you consider that without brandy, there is no way that most the people would be able so stay warm enough to survive anything from October through May.

A woman was caught trying to cheat her way to winning the St. Louis Marathon. At least it answers the question as to what Rosie Ruiz has been doing the past 35 years.

A woman was caught trying to cheat her way to winning the St. Louis Marathon. Race authorities became suspicious after she crossed the finish line in first place and wasn’t Kenyan.

A Nevada lawmaker is seeking to legalize switchblades. Apparently his constituents are complaining about having to conduct all their collections duties with bulky and cumbersome baseball bats, crowbars and axe handles.

Texas is set to approve open carry for all handguns. People were surprised. Since when does anyone need a permit to carry a gun in Texas?

Oklahoma has approved using nitrogen gas for executions. If they are going to do that, why not just take away the chance of it being declared cruel and unusual and use nitrous oxide so they can die laughing?

Oklahoma has approved using nitrogen gas for executions. If they want to kill people with bad air, why not just send them to live in Houston for a couple of years?

California health officials say the measles outbreak associated with Disneyland is over after 42 days. Which is roughly equal to the amount of time it takes to stand in line for the Matterhorn, Space Mountain and the Haunted Mansion.

Record Store Day was celebrated last week. It’s the day when people bring out all their old vinyl records and look at them because they haven’t known anyone who has had a record player since 1987.

Discover cardholders can now suspend their accounts temporarily and on demand. Especially when they are going through a credit check and don’t want anyone to know the only credit card they qualify for is Discover.

Univision is dropping “Sabado Gigante” after 53 years on the air. Which will explain what is going on when the unemployment lines are full of guys wearing bumble bee costumes.

A survey says Millennials would rather give up having a car than their smartphone. Mostly because they don’t have a car anyway since they crashed it when they were texting while driving.

The Comcast and Time Warner merger reportedly could hinge on Comcast expanding their Internet service. Which is ironic in that the cable providers could go out of business as soon as enough people can get Internet access so they can join Netflix and cut the cord.

A. Alfred Taubman, who helped develop the modern shopping mall has died at age 91. Doctors say the cause of death was that he shopped until he dropped.

A woman passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight was booted from the plane after she tried to get the person in the next seat to stop snoring by poking him with a pen. She was removed when her jabbing also started to annoy both the person sitting on top of the man and the one under his seat.

The FDA is warning people about counterfeit Botox. You can tell it’s not the real thing when it instead freezes your face into a permanent frown.

A study says the smell of people’s sweat can make others happy. But usually only if it is their boss.

A study says dogs and people bond through eye contact. As long the dog is able to catch a glimpse of the cookie the person is holding in their hand.

A study says dogs and people bond through eye contact. Although in the case of a pit bull, eye contact is usually followed by direct contact with the dog’s jaws.

Scientists say they are experimenting with a new treatment for migraines that focuses on the neck. Especially men who get hit on the noggin by their wives after their necks turn 180 degrees to check out another woman walking by.

Synthetic pot sent hundreds of people to the ER in Alabama and Mississippi. Mostly when they tried to satisfy their urge for munchies with synthetic collard greens, corn bread and biscuits and gravy.

A study says higher altitude states have fewer kids with ADHD. Mostly because the thin air makes them too tired to be able to fidget all day.

A study says that 34% of smokers think that a few cigarettes a day won’t hurt their health. The other 66% couldn’t answer the questions because they hadn’t yet learned how to talk through their stoma.

George Lucas says he doesn’t know the plot of the new “Star Wars” movie. Which is no big deal since he is still trying to figure out what the plot line was supposed to be for “The Phantom Menace.”

Drew Carey conducted a mass wedding on “The Price Is Right” after being legally officiated online. The worst part is that after the ceremony Bob Barker made an appearance to personally spay and neuter all the brides and grooms.

Drew Carey conducted a mass wedding on “The Price Is Right” after being legally officiated online. Because what woman on her wedding day instead of being announced by Mendelssohn’s “Wedding March” would not rather be introduced with a welcoming “Come on down!”

“Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” stay Kim Richards was reportedly belligerent, insulting and out of control when she was arrested at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. In other words, she was doing a dress rehearsal for an upcoming episode.

Jill Duggar reveals she was in labor with her first child for 70 hours. It took so long the baby had it’s first birthday only three days after finally being delivered.

Jill Duggar reveals she was in labor with her first child for 70 hours. Which is really amazing in that her mom Michelle had 19 children and wasn’t in labor that long for all of them combined.

Jill Duggar reveals she was in labor with her first child for 70 hours. Her mom Michelle says the first one is always the toughest but the next 18 are a breeze.

Blake Griffin says the Clippers are “100% embracing” their underdog role. But then after 45 years of the same thing, why change now?

Pete Rose will join Fox Sports as a Major League Baseball analyst. Audio engineers have been instructed to hit the “dump” button if he says “You bet!,” “What are the odds of that?” or “It’s a coin toss.”

LeBron James says he he thinks about every loss he has ever had. Which doesn’t take much time since the games his teams lose are the ones he quits after the first half.

NASA has created a robot car that can drive sideways. Which was pretty easy for their scientists since most their rockets pretty much do the same.

Researchers say there are six “types” of obese people. There are the type who eat at McDonald’s, the type who eat at Burger King, the type who eat at Wendy’s...

John Hancock Insurance says it will give discounts to customers if they allow them to track their fitness wristbands. Not to see if they are working out. The company wants to track their movements and will just cancel the insurance policies of anyone the minute they walk into a Taco Bell.

A report says that fliers want inflight Wi-Fi but don’t want to pay for it. Which doesn’t mean anything since they also said they didn’t want to pay for baggage, blankets or bottles of water, either.

Archaeologists say they have uncovered the oldest tools in history, dating back 3.3 Million years in Kenya. Not only that, but they were still able to take them back for a full replacement under the Sears Craftsman policy.

A mobile home in the Hamptons is selling for a listed price of $1.2 Million. No one even knew that Britney Spears had relocated to New York.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I had a long weekend from my real job so I could rest and get in some relaxation. Well, that didn’t work out. But at least I was still able to crank out the jokes. Which didn’t work out all that well, either. But the one thing that always does work out is when you all remember to take the time to keep sending the love!

Friday, April 17, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says the Army is suffering from low morale among soldiers who are dissatisfied with their jobs and distrust leadership. Which at least means they will have no trouble adjusting back into mainstream society after they leave the military.

An economist with Citi says it might be time to completely abolish cash. To which most Americans say they are way ahead of him since they haven’t actually had any cash since 2007.

A survey says the one third of the highest earners are living paycheck to paycheck. The worst part is the reason they are considered high earners is because they actually are still getting a paycheck.

Hillary Clinton flew coach on United from Nebraska to New Jersey, reportedly carrying her own luggage. Apparently she got the idea from her husband who has been lugging around all kinds of baggage since the 1990s.

Hillary Clinton flew coach on United from Nebraska to New Jersey. People were stunned. What could have made her want to fly to New Jersey?

Hillary Clinton flew coach on United from Nebraska to New Jersey. People were surprised. United had a flight that wasn’t canceled?

A Michigan auto shop owner has received a backlash because he says he won’t serve gays. He could have done the same thing without all the controversy if he just said he wasn’t able to work on Subarus.

Twitter says it is cracking down on abusive tweets. Which means the daily volume of tweets could drop from 500 Million a day down to somewhere around 12.

A report says the first person to live to be 1,000 years old may already be alive. That’s nothing new. And his name is Larry King.

A dental office manager in New York was arrested for posing as a dentist and actually pulled some teeth. Which is ironic as most office managers are the ones who say getting their staff to do any work is like pulling teeth.

A report says that 27.49% of all government spending is on healthcare. Which is good in that it leaves only only the other 72.51% that the government can use to start wars, meddle in other countries business and spying on Americans.

A report says that 27.49% of all government spending is on healthcare. The irony is that a lot of the healthcare spending is on people who become sick from worrying about where all their tax dollars are going.

Rand Paul says that as President he will get the IRS out of Americans’ lives. Mostly because his proposed economic policies will make everyone be poor enough so that they don’t qualify to pay any income taxes.

A Pennsylvania woman is blaming her coffee drinking parrot on a car crash. Police say the bird is sticking to its story about just simply asking for a cracker.

A Pennsylvania woman is blaming her coffee drinking parrot on a car crash. She says the bird was asking her to text to all her friends while she was driving something about him being a pretty bird.

A study says that humans have a hormonal link to dogs. There is a word for people who have a genetic connection to dogs. Women will tell you they are called “men.”

The new “Star Wars” movie trailer shows a 72 year old Harrison Ford reprising his role as Han Solo. Although he is really showing his age when the Millennium Falcon he is piloting gets passed by a 1963 Ford Falcon.

The new “Star Wars” movie trailer shows a 72 year old Harrison Ford reprising his role as Han Solo. Not to say Ford is showing his age, but the movie starts out with the text crawl “A long, long, looooooooong time ago...”

A report says the TSA trained workers at Disney and SeaWorld amusement parks to spot terrorists. At Disney it was easy. Anyone who could stand to go through “It’s A Small World” seven times in a row without breaking was immediately turned over to the FBI.

A report says the TSA trained workers at Disney and SeaWorld amusement parks to spot terrorists. Apparently terror groups were sending recruits to the Florida theme parks with the idea that anyone who could stand in line for a ride in the August heat for four hours while listening to children constantly whining would find waterboarding a breeze.

Jeb Bush is embracing the policies of his brother, George W. Bush on the campaign trail. Which is about as smart a political move as Hillary Clinton running on the same platform as George McGovern.

The European Union is looking at requiring breathalyzers to be installed on all cars. Which means the cleanest air and least crowded streets in the world would soon be the bragging rights of Ireland.

Former music writer Deesha Dyer has been picked as President Obama’s new social secretary. Which pretty much consists of making sure the guest list to any White House functions do not include the names Boehner, McConnell or Cruz.

Nebraska is considering abolishing the death penalty. Apparently legislators figure what could be worse than spending the rest of your life in prison while also still being in Nebraska?

Kansas has passed a law that limits welfare spending on concerts, tattoos or lingerie. Or as people in Kansas call concerts, tattoos and lingerie, a pretty good Saturday night.

Kansas has passed a law that limits welfare spending on concerts, tattoos or lingerie. Which if the show were set in Kansas, concerts, tattoos and lingerie would be the basis of “How I Met Your Mother.”

Kansas has passed a law that limits welfare spending on concerts, tattoos or lingerie. Apparently the people of Kansas are tired of everyone taking advantage of the carefree, luxury lifestyle afforded by living off public assistance in Dodge City.

Frederick’s of Hollywood is closing all their stores and will only do business online. The announcement came as a surprise to most people. In fact, Frederick only told Victoria because he knew she could keep a secret.

The Washington State Auditor has been indicted for tax evasion, stolen property and perjury. Which means he is exactly the right man to cook the books and make it look like the state is operating in the black.

The NBA and its players have agreed to test for Human Growth Hormone during the 2015-2016 season. They are waiting a year so that anyone in the league who is 6’5” or shorter has a chance to catch up with everyone else.

United Airlines is offering free beer and wine along with three course meals to international travelers. Which in reality amounts to a six pack of Lucky Lager and a McDonald’s Happy Meal while they are stuck at the gate waiting for their canceled flights to be rescheduled.

The Kentucky Derby has banned selfie sticks this year. Apparently race officials are worried that some of the jockeys will use them to argue any rulings in case of a photo finish.

The medical college admission test or MCAT has been expanded to seven and a half hours, three hours longer than the previous test. Apparently the test now just consists of making any applicants successfully navigate their way to get coverage through the Obamacare website.

Walgreens has frozen the salaries of their top U.S. executives. The company is hoping to cut costs and as unfortunately only have the authority to go to Aisle 7 and put a band aid on it.

A poll says that Americans’ optimism about their finances is at an 11 year high. Which is really sad considering in how bad of shape the economy was in even back in 2004.

A study says that sleep apnea may speed the onset of memory loss and Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially for men who keep getting hit in the head by their wives all night trying to get them to stop snoring.

A study says that U.S. moms are spacing their children too close together. Instead of the average two and a half years, some women are waiting only 18 months to have another child. Which is amazing that after giving birth the first time a year and a half ago that they even let their husbands look at them again.

A study says that e-cigarette use has tripled among U.S. teens. Mostly because now that marijuana is legal and all their parents are smoking pot, kids need something else to do now that there isn’t any thrill left in getting stoned.

A study says that sugary drinks may reduce stress levels. But mostly for drinks like Coke when it is mixed with rum, 7-Up when it is mixed with Seagram’s Seven Crown and Red Bull when it is mixed with Vodka.

A study says that one in ten full-time workers in the U.S. has had a recent substance abuse problem. The other nine don’t make enough money to buy any illegal drugs or have health insurance so they can get any prescription medications to abuse.

A study says that one in ten full-time workers in the U.S. has had a recent substance abuse problem. Mostly to calm them from worrying about how much longer they will be a full-time worker.

A study says that dining out may be linked to high blood pressure in young people. The good news is that there is enough mercury in the fish at Red Lobster that anyone eating there can take their own blood pressure reading right at the table.

A study says that dining out may be linked to high blood pressure in young people. Especially when they realize it will take working two full days at their three minimum wage jobs to be able to pay for it.

Pippa Middleton is being criticized for eating whale meat and writing about it for a newspaper on a ski trip to Norway. What’s worse is that she ordered the whale meat because the restaurant was fresh out of bald eagle and Bengal tiger.

Pippa Middleton is being criticized for eating whale meat and writing about it for a newspaper on a ski trip to Norway. Apparently she wanted something new instead of the same old boring caviar, Champagne and truffles.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she gave up on her food stamp challenge of living on $29 worth of groceries for a week. It turns out that barely covered the cost of one bottle of water to drink during the yoga workout she did every day on the deck of her yacht while sailing to the Bahamas.

Giancarlo Stanton has become the Miami Marlins all-time home run leader. Apparently he achieved the milestone when he hit a home run.

Google is letting Android phone users find their lost phones with a search. The way most people realize their smartphone is missing is when it hasn’t been sitting in front of their face for more than the past 30 seconds.

155,000 school children in New York have boycotted the state’s standardized testing. People were shocked. There are 155,000 kids who actually still go to school in New York?

Carly Fiorina is touting her business experience for a possible presidential run in 2016. She drove Hewlett-Packard into the ground as CEO and walked away with a $40 million severance package. Which means she would make a perfect fit to be in charge of the federal government.

Kansas Republican Senator Pat Roberts interrupted a hearing when his phone went off with the ringtone from the movie “Frozen.” He didn’t like the movie, it’s just that he wants to remind everyone that as a conservative he is distancing himself as far as possible from any talk about global warming.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Once again, I am running a little slow today as I am taking another day off from my real job. To be honest, this is my real job. I just do the TV weather gig because it actually pays money. That allows me to do things like eat and have a home where I can spend time doing my real job. But even though it is not a positive cash flow operation, there is nothing more rewarding than when you all remember to send the love!

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

April 15th was Tax Day, and a report says the federal tax code is now 74,608 pages long. The nation’s wealthiest have the advantage of being able to afford to pay tax lawyers enough to go through the entire content to find the “99% off” coupon.

A group of scientists says the world is unprepared for a massive volcanic eruption that could kill millions of people and destroy much of modern society. The scientists say not only are we not ready for an eruption of that magnitude, we can barely deal with what happens during a Chris Christie news conference.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says the Oculus Rift virtual reality headset has the power to let people experience anything. The ultimate experience for most Facebook users would be to actually have the ability to taste all the breakfasts their Facebook friends post every morning.

A global cyber commission says that public trust in the Internet has been eroded. You would lose your trust as well if you just got online to check out some porn and ended up losing all your money to a phony Nigerian prince.

A global cyber commission says that public trust in the Internet has been eroded. Although if you ignore the photoshopped giant spiders, erroneous dead celebrity reports and Mayan Calendar end of the world predictions, what other information is there to search for online?

A study says that Julius Caesar may have suffered a series of mini strokes. Apparently it is bases on accounts of his final symptoms being a series of stabbing pains.

A study says that Julius Caesar may have suffered a series of mini strokes. And you thought your HMO was late in getting back to you with test results.

William Peter Blatty, the author of “The Exorcist” says he has evidence of life after death. Although after several tries, no one has still ever been able to resurrect the career of Linda Blair.

A report says that increasing levels of light at night is creating health problems for some people. Especially for men whose wives now find it easier to see them sneaking into the bedroom at four in the morning.

The Tennessee House has voted to make the Bible the state book. Opponents were concerned that designating a state book could lead to more government intrusion, like being forced to build some libraries.

The Education Department says that former Corinthian College students could have their debt forgiven if they can prove they were defrauded. To which students who are looking for work with a degree from UNLV are asking “You mean like us?”

A man flying a gyrocopter was able to land on the grounds of the Capitol Building in Washington, D.C. The good news is that it was the one time John McCain’s staff actually allowed him to go outside and yell “Get off my lawn!”

A man flying a gyrocopter was able to land on the grounds of the Capitol Building in Washington, D.C. The Secret Service was slow to react but they had an excuse this time. They thought the proposed military budget cuts meant the gyrocopter was the latest version of Marine One.

A survey of sports participants says that swimmers make the best lovers. Because what is sexier than a man with absolutely no body hair who is wearing goggles and a pair of Speedos?

A survey of sports participants says that swimmers make the best lovers. Mostly because women mistake the fact that swimmers use the phrase “breast stroke” to think that they might actually know the meaning of foreplay.

A gray whale has made the longest migration ever by a mammal, swimming 14,000 miles from Russia to Mexico and back. The next time, the whale will try a more traditional way to sneak into the U.S., coming across the border in the trunk of a Chevy.

A 95 year old northern California man has set a record as the world’s oldest active pilot. He didn’t plan it that way. It’s just that he works for JetBlue and has been waiting 20 years on the tarmac to be cleared for takeoff.

A 95 year old northern California man has set a record as the world’s oldest active pilot. The only problem is that when he is flying, the drink cart only offers different flavors of Metamucil.

A federal judge has ruled to keep marijuana on the list of most dangerous drugs. Legal experts say either she was hesitant to overrule a law passed by Congress or just became a little paranoid after smoking some weed.

A survey says that 62% of people say the best feeling in the world is sleeping on a freshly made bed. Of course, the men who said that were with their wives and left out the part where they meant sleeping in a freshly made bed next to Jennifer Aniston.

A study says that 25% of college adjunct professors qualify for public assistance. The other 75% say they are just satisfied with the students sharing some of their weed along with the opportunity to hit on some college coeds.

Senator Elizabeth Warren says that the auto loan industry reminds her of pre-crisis housing market. Which is ironic in that most people are buying cars now to have a place to live in after they lost their homes in the housing crash.

An analysis says the average worker will get a 3% raise this year while the average CEO will get a 13% increase. Mostly for saving their companies a fortune by convincing their workers that they are lucky to be getting the 3% increase.

An analysis says the average worker will get a 3% raise this year while the average CEO will get a 13% increase. Although it really only amounts to a 4% increase since the CEOs need to also give a 3% raise to their chauffeur, personal chef and private pilot.

A study says that people who suffer from insomnia, exhaustion and depression are most at risk to have nightmares. Mostly because the nightmares keep them from falling asleep which means they are always tired and that makes them sad.

A study says there is an increased risk of being involved in a car crash on April 15th Tax Day. Which means that having to fix their car at least gives them something to look forward to doing with their refund.

A study says that acetaminophen reduces pain, but also decreases pleasure. Which is too bad because the only reason people take it is for the pleasure they get from not having the pain anymore.

Entrepreneurs are trying to get Americans to eat more insects as a healthy and cheap means of food. To which most people are saying if they wanted to eat bugs you would find them in the drive-thru at Taco Bell.

A study says that depression and diabetes may raise the risk of dementia. Which isn’t that bad as long as it causes them to forget that they have diabetes and it makes them sad.

A report says that Kris Jenner and the Kardashians are only acting like they support Bruce Jenner’s sex change publicly to make themselves look good. Which is a switch from the family usually doing something only because it makes them money.

Rutger’s Lord Nelson, the only horse that was ever penalized in an NCAA football game has died at age 42. The horse broke away and ran down the sidelines and was flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. The sad part is that it was ruled unsportsmanlike because it taunted the rest of the team who could never make a breakaway run.

Michael Phelps says he will try to make the team for the 2016 Olympics in Rio after serving a six month suspension after a DUI conviction. He just has to make sure he doesn’t raise any suspicions by making sure that whenever he gets into the pool he stays in his own lane.

Michael Phelps says he will try to make the team for the 2016 Olympics in Rio after serving a six month suspension after a DUI conviction. He will be constantly monitored to make sure the only substance on his breath is chlorine.

Tiger Woods says his wrist is fine after suffering an injury during the Masters. Although it was nowhere near as severe an injury to his wrist as the time he had to force himself to sign his card in Phoenix after shooting an 82.

Manny Pacquiao says he wants to beat Floyd Mayweather and then study the Bible together. Although he doesn’t sound too confident as before the fight he wants to point out the part that says “Thou shalt not kill.”

Snowboarder Billy Morgan landed the first ever quadruple corkscrew. Until now, to the U.S, Ski Team a “quadruple corkscrew” referred to Bode Miller’s preparation to drink four bottles of wine before hitting the slopes.

A study says that walking to higher ground at a quicker pace could increase the chances of surviving a tsunami. The only question is, what more do you have to do to get people to walk a little faster than telling them that there is a tsunami coming?

Twitter is turning its home page into a news and information hub. The good news is that people can still look at the main section to find the latest celebrity rants, spam and apologies for previous dumb tweets.

A report says that robotic chefs could be serving meals by 2017. Although the only robots most people want to see associated with cooking is to have Gordon Ramsay get in the ring on “Battlebots.”

Xerox is aiming to let people make child support payments with a mobile app. The only problem is with deadbeat dads who don’t pay child support because they don’t have a job from playing video games on their smartphone all day.

A poll says that men are twice as likely as women to buy an Apple Watch. Mostly because men are twice as likely as women to be suckered into buying anything.

Japan has bumped China as the top holder of U.S. debt. To which China responded with “You’re it!”

 Japan has bumped China as the top holder of U.S. debt. Although in actuality, the real holder of the most U.S. debt are our children’s children’s children who will be stuck with the tab when they are born 60 years from now.

The FDA has approved a new heart failure drug. The new drug is to be used to prevent heart failure for patients when they get the pharmacy bill for all the other heart medications they are taking.

Target has settled with MasterCard for $19 Million to cover losses related to the 2013 hack that resulted in a breach of 40 Million accounts. The only problem is that Target says their policy only allows them to pay off the settlement with an in-store credit.

IKEA has launched its new line of wireless charging furniture. Which is good news for people who need to keep their tablets and smartphones charged so they can log in to the IKEA website to get online instructions on how to actually put some of their IKEA furniture together.

Angie’s List CEO Bill Oesterle says he is stepping down. When asked for a comment, Angie’s List says he performed well on financial issues but they were let down by his inability to delegate. Overall, they would probably use him again.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am running a little slow today as I have the day off my real job and am taking it easy. It’s a good thing this isn’t my real job as with the hours I put in every day with no vacation and total net income, that comes out to approximately I would say around $0 an hour. Which means the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that you all actually read this stuff every day. I am just waiting for my big reward when I get to my goal of 7 Billion daily readers. Don’t ask how that is going. For the time being, my real reward is when you all remember to keep sending the love!