Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Protesters shut down I-580 in Oakland, California. People upset with the situation in Ferguson, Missouri were also thinking about stopping traffic on the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles except that no one would have even noticed.

Schools in Boston and Philadelphia are endorsing Meatless Monday. The only problem is that the kids are supporting bookless Tuesday and test-free Wednesday.

A French man says he has developed a pill that makes flatulence smell sweeter. Which means people will now be asking “Who cut the cheese cake?”

A French man says he has developed a pill that makes flatulence smell sweeter. Now all someone has to do is tell the rest of the French that there is something new that can also help with offensive odors. It’s called a shower.

A report says the U.S. will leave more troops in Afghanistan than was first planned. Military experts were surprised. When have we ever had a plan for Afghanistan?

A fitness guru says that it is OK for people to pig out on Thanksgiving. Mostly because any holiday overindulgence brings fitness gurus all kinds of new business by the New Year.

A fitness guru says that it is OK for people to pig out on Thanksgiving. Which for many Americans is just another reason to give thanks.

A report says that 3 Billion people are now using the Internet. If you include the people still subscribing to AOL dial up, that pushes the number up to 3 Billion and 3.

A report says that 3 Billion people are now using the Internet. To which the NSA says it is actually 2,999,988,743 but who is keeping track?

A report says that 3 Billion people are now using the Internet. The number will go up when world hunger is solved and those people will then be able to have a decent breakfast to take pictures of to post on Facebook.

Denmark has beaten out South Korea as the most connected country based on mobile phone and Internet use. Mostly people searching online in hopes of someday finding a recipe that makes it possible to actually enjoy eating eel.

Google has developed a spoon that steadies tremors. Ironically, spoons have long been associated with causing tremors, especially the ones that are used to snort cocaine.

DNA pioneer James Watson is reportedly going to sell his Nobel Prize which could go for more than $3 Million. It is the most famous item associated with DNA other than Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress.

A study says that most immigrant children don’t have lawyers, but the ones who do are most likely to get to stay in the country. Which is a valuable lesson for all immigrants who want to assimilate into American culture. Whenever there is trouble, lawyer up.

A medical panel has decided not to recommend the sternest federal warning on steroid injections. The panel was made up of Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds.

The Mayor of Ferguson, Missouri criticized Governor Jay Nixon for a delay in deploying the National Guard in the wake of protests. In the Governor’s defense, it is always a scary proposition when someone named Nixon sends out the National Guard.

A noted psychiatrist is seeking to make a rating scale for the level of evil associated with different crimes. So far the most heinous crime that can be committed in this country is sitting down at the CEO’s desk at a bank on Wall Street.

A survey says that internships improve a college graduate’s chances at finding full time work. The only problem is that the full time work is continuing along as an unpaid intern.

“Frozen” toys have topped Barbie dolls as the most popular girls’ toys for the first time in 11 years. Apparently their parents figure if they buy a toy that is “Frozen” it will just be even more fun when it thaws out from the effects of global warming.

Analysts say that while airlines’ costs are going down, air fares continue to rise. Although the only expense that is going down is the cost of fuel, as saving any money on customer service departments isn’t possible since all of the major airlines did away with theirs back in 1978.

A group calling themselves “the McMass Project” is looking to put a McDonald’s inside a church. Apparently the group is trying to really put the “Service” into the service industry.

A group calling themselves “the McMass Project” is looking to put a McDonald’s inside a church. The group is hoping for a miracle that will feed 4,000 people with a loaf and five Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.

A report says that one quarter of all Americans will work on Thanksgiving. Mostly because they are afraid of losing their job to the other three quarters who are off for the holiday because they are unemployed.

A report says that the economy grew more in the third quarter than was first reported. Although to most Americans a good third quarter just means they now have 75 cents worth of money in their pocket.

A GMC dealer in Chicago is offering a money back deal if it snows 6” at O’Hare International Airport on Christmas Day. Now there is someone who is really not afraid of putting his money down on his belief in global warming.

A GMC dealer in Chicago is offering a money back deal if it snows 6” at O’Hare International Airport on Christmas Day. Apparently he feels it will be worth it if it snows enough to shut down the airport and cancel his in-laws holiday visit.

A study says that 93% of stores are offering year old items for the same special holiday prices they did last year. Which is really bad news for anyone who has already bought their family gifts from the Hickory Farms kiosk at the mall.

A court says the Washington Redskins can sue several Indian tribes responsible for the team losing its trademark protection. In a related case, the same court allowed Scrooge to go ahead with his lawsuit against Tiny Tim for leaving crutch marks across his lawn.

The University of Virginia says it will ban all fraternity activities into January in the wake of allegations of sex crimes. Apparently the ban will last that long in the hopes that it will give fraternity members enough time to actually sober up.

Microsoft will pay China $140 Million for tax evasion. Company officials say they thought since it was a communist country that they didn’t actually have to pay for anything.

Microsoft will pay China $140 Million for tax evasion. Company officials apologized, saying that since they are wealthy and are based in the U.S., they aren’t used to having to ever pay any taxes.

A survey says that 82% of small business owners say the best part of their job is being the boss. The other 18% are just mad that before the recession they used to be a big business.

NYU is being accused of exploiting student interns as cheap labor for startups. The school is defending its actions, saying that having students work as cheap labor is just giving them an idea of what life will be like the first 20 years after graduation.

A study says that people tend to weigh more on Sunday and Monday and less on Friday. Mostly because anyone who still has a job is actually allowed to leave work long enough after Friday to go home and get something to eat.

A study says that people tend to weigh more on Sunday and Monday and less on Friday. Mostly because there are no NFL games on Friday night to park in front of on the couch while eating three bags of chips and downing a case of beer.

A study says that babies filter out negative memories and remember the positive ones. Which is why none of us can remember a thing before about five when we are finally able to get out of the house for awhile.

A study says that babies filter out negative memories and remember the positive ones. Which means Alec Baldwin’s kids will have their first memories sometime after reaching 17.

A study says that babies filter out negative memories and remember the positive ones. Which means most of Woody Allen’s kids just remember being glad they weren’t the one he was marrying.

A study says that eating yogurt every day may lower the risk of developing type 2 diabetes. Except for people who go to the frozen yogurt shop and top it off with a shovel full of M&Ms, Heath bars and Reese’s Pieces.

Nutrition experts say that Thanksgiving dinner contains as many calories as three sticks of butter. Which coincidentally is what most people are saving room for as dessert.

Nutrition experts say that the average American eats 3,000 calories at Thanksgiving dinner. Which means people who don’t have a family dinner to attend can get the same feeling by ordering an appetizer at TGI Friday’s.

Nutrition experts say that Thanksgiving dinner contains a full day’s calories at one meal. Which is OK with most people because they usually start eating before noon and are still polishing off dessert by the time the night time football games are over.

A study says that early puberty can increase the risk of depression among teens. Especially early developing girls in 5th grade who know that all their teachers will be hitting on them all the way through high school.

Katherine Heigl says she has “no idea” what she is talking about on her new show “State of Affairs.” Which shows that she really did her homework when she got the part of playing a CIA analyst.

Kobe Bryant commented on the unrest in Ferguson, Missouri saying that until the legal system is changed, “it’s going to keep on happening.” Apparently his solution is to buy everyone on the street a nice piece of jewelry.

Kobe Bryant commented on the unrest in Ferguson, Missouri saying that until the legal system is changed, “it’s going to keep on happening.” The good news for Kobe is that until the legal system is changed, he can still keep going to Colorado.

Google engineers say that renewable energy won’t solve climate change. Apparently they came to their conclusions after doing more than just googling “Al Gore.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is it for me until Monday. I will be taking a couple of days off to enjoy the Thanksgiving Holiday as I hope you will be doing as well. Today I will be serving lunch at the Union Mission Crossroads Homeless Shelter in Charleston. There is nothing better than helping out those in need and appreciating the blessings I have been given. Especially my family, friends and all my great readers who I will wish a very happy Thanksgiving. I give thanks you make it through the blog every day and so I will make today my turn to send the love to all of you!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Chuck Hagel has resigned as Secretary of Defense. Apparently he was frustrated that Congress was cutting his budget for military action overseas to take care of all the combat taking place in the U.S.

Marijuana stores in Colorado are offering deals to attract holiday shoppers. Ideas are being offered to buy a gift for the man who has nothing because he sits around stoned all day.

Marijuana stores in Colorado are offering deals to attract holiday shoppers. If you have a stoner in the family, the only thing you really need to buy is a gift card to Pizza Hut.

Marijuana stores in Colorado are offering deals to attract holiday shoppers. The specials are lasting all the way into February when most stoners actually get around to do their holiday shopping.

A 90 year old former employee of NBC says Bill Cosby used to have him send money to women. The only problem with having someone that old help look for women is that he kept trying to set up Cosby with the cast from “The Golden Girls.”

A 90 year old former employee of NBC says Bill Cosby used to have him send money to women. No one suspected as they figured he was wearing sunglasses and had a cane because of cataracts and a bad hip, not because he was dressing like a pimp.

The Supreme Court is taking on a case that tests freedom of speech on social media. Not to say the members of the court are a little old, but most of them think taking part in social media is going to a quilting bee.

Seattle’s City Council is set to vote on providing Internet access to homeless camps. Ironically, many of the people in the homeless camps got there because they gave away all their money to a Nigerian prince they met online.

A report says that near collisions on airport runways are increasing. Mostly from all the other planes having to go around the JetBlue flights that are sitting on the tarmac for three hours before they finally decide to take off.

A report says a growing number of people are blaming Wi-Fi signals are causing them headaches, nausea and pain. Either that or that’s just what happens after they have been on Facebook and had to look at what each of their friends just ate for breakfast.

57 people were killed by a suicide bomber in Afghanistan at a volleyball match. In a place like Afghanistan, coaches really need to be careful when they make a substitution and call in for an attacker.

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan caused a controversy when he said that women are not equal to men. Most people let it go because of the fact that Turkey is not equal to other countries.

A study says that iron deficiency and even mild anemia may be healthy for some people. Although you know you are getting old when your doctor tells you to lay off the iron because it is starting to rust the pipes.

Senator Rand Paul is planning to introduce a resolution to declare war on ISIS. The only problem is that before he declares war he has to figure out if it is ISIS, IS, ISIL, SIC, Da’ish or whatever else everyone is calling them this week.

Former Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry has died at age 78. He served five terms. Four as Mayor and one for possession of crack cocaine.

Former Washington, D.C. Mayor Marion Barry has died at age 78. He was also famous for being jailed for possession of crack cocaine. Or as Rob Ford calls him, “mentor.”

Profits for Atlantic City casinos were up in the third quarter. Mostly from people who lost bets from wagering that every one of the gambling establishments would go under by the end of the year.

The World Bank says the world is already locked into global warming. Ironically, while they are predicting rising sea levels most people are already underwater from what the banking industry did to the economy.

A survey says that Millennials talk a lot about their financial future but do little about it. Mostly because their financial present is pretty much still looking for a job just to help them get started on paying off their years of college loan debt.

A report says the U.S. infrastructure gets a D-. Which is still better than most Americans who get an F because they can’t even spell “infrastructure.”

AAA says an increase in holiday travel will jam up southern California freeways over Thanksgiving. Which is otherwise known in L.A. as “Thursday.”

AAA says an increase in holiday travel will jam up southern California freeways over Thanksgiving. Mostly because while no one has a job to drive to anymore, there will be no way to stop anyone with a chance at going to take part in a free meal.

A report says that New Year’s Day is the top day for car theft across the country. Mostly because cars are easily targeted, especially when their owners can’t remember where they parked them the night before.

A report says nearly 2,000 travelers, a record number have been caught by the TSA this year trying to take guns onto airplanes. Mostly a result of NBA teams trying to save money by going from charter flights over to commercial.

A report says that Budweiser is dropping their Clydesdale team from their holiday ads. Apparently some of the horses were injured when the driver drank too many Budweisers, was texting and drove the team right into a tree.

A survey says that 75% of Americans admit to making impulse purchases. Which was already pretty obvious by all the people who are walking around wearing a holiday sweater.

A survey says that 75% of Americans admit to making impulse purchases, and that half regret it. The half that regrets it are the people who received the impulse purchases as their Christmas present.

A report says that California is the state with the most ultra- wealthy people. The ultra-rich are known by having the ultimate status symbol in the state. A home that hasn’t been foreclosed yet.

Honda says it has underreported serious accidents involving its cars since 2003. As opposed to GM which is boasting about not having any of their cars involved in serious accidents in that time. Mostly because they are still all in the shop being recalled.

Salmonella in ten states is being linked to raw bean sprouts. Food industry experts were shocked. There are Americans who eat bean sprouts?

An outbreak of the bird flu has forced a Dutch church to hold a drive-in service. The awkward part was when communion was served by women in short skirts on roller skates.

A study says that abuse of sleep and anti-anxiety drugs is a growing problem with teenagers. Apparently they need the anti-anxiety drugs after they realize they took too many sleeping pills and overslept their math test.

A study says talk therapy resulted in a 26% decrease in suicides. The other 74% ended up jumping out the window when they saw their talk therapy was scheduled with Dr. Phil.

A study says that advanced life support may not be better than being in a hospital when a person’s heart stops. The only problem is that the number one cause of people’s heart stopping is when they are in the hospital and have been given their medical bill.

A study says that lunches that are sent from home are usually less healthy than those served in school cafeterias. The way they could tell was that the kids would actually eat the lunches sent from home.

Robin Thicke is reportedly dating a 19 year old model. He’s 37. Apparently he is able to get away dating a teenager because now when he refers to “Blurred Lines” he means the lines in his forehead that went away with Botox.

Heidi Montag says she is done with plastic surgery. At least until she finds a spot on her body that hasn’t been altered yet.

Heidi Montag says she is done with plastic surgery. Apparently she knew it was time to quit when people kept coming up to her and calling her “Cher.”

Johnny Manziel’s girlfriend tweeted that the Browns need to play him more. She says she is sure if they put him in that he will hit a home run.

Johnny Manziel and his entourage were reportedly involved in a fight in a hotel in Cleveland at 2:30 in the morning. The police report didn’t say that alcohol was involved, although there were several hints. Like the fact it contained the words “Manziel,” “entourage,” “fight” and “2:30 AM.”

Laker forward Nick Young says the team relies on Kobe Bryant too much. If he is just finding this out now it means he hasn’t really been following the team over the past 19 years.

Laker forward Nick Young says the team relies on Kobe Bryant too much. Laker fans were surprised. There is another player on the team?

Apps are available that promise to make people’s Thanksgiving stress free. Mostly the ones that can book out-of-town relatives into the nearest hotel.

Scientists say they have documented seals having sex with penguins. To which conservative radio talk show hosts are saying “See? We told you this would happen if gay marriage was legalized!”

Scientists say they have documented seals having sex with penguins. Before that a seal was only documented having sex with Heidi Klum.

A survey says that Americans are not as concerned with online privacy as much as people in other countries. Mostly because Americans don’t have enough money that would make it worth hackers’ time to try to steal it.

A survey says that Americans are not as concerned with online privacy as much as people in other countries. American men aren’t so much concerned with hackers invading their privacy as their wife finding out who they have been messaging on Facebook.

The FAA is said to be imposing strict rules on commercial drone use. If requiring drone pilots to have training to make them safer, more efficient and more reliable, the FAA says they may even consider making the same proposal for the airlines.


The privacy chief of the NSA is defending the agency's surveillance programs. The NSA having a privacy chief sounds about as likely as the quality control officer from GM or head of customer service for AT&T.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanksgiving is just two days away. But for anyone who wants a little pre-holiday turkey, there is always my jokes. Another way to get into the holiday spirit a little ahead of time is to always remember to make sure to send the love!

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The U.S. is warning citizens to avoid resorts in Acapulco. The scary part is that it it is dangerous to to there and it isn’t even Spring Break yet.

The U.S. is warning citizens to avoid resorts in Acapulco. Although most people figure they don’t need to cross the border anymore now that you can have just as much fun in Washington state and Colorado.

The Pope warns that man’s greed will destroy the world. In other words, the Wall Street executives have stopped tithing.

Norway says it will try to grow crops in space. When you are turning to outer space for more plentiful harvests, perhaps it is time to question whether it was such a good idea for your forefathers to settle in a place north of the Arctic Circle?

The Pentagon says that unhealthy eating habits could become an issue for national security. Although soldiers have never been known for their eating habits. Why do you think it is called the “mess hall”?

The Pentagon says that unhealthy eating habits could become an issue for national security. Apparently the military has become more concerned when they see that instead of sleeping in tents their soldiers are more likely to be wearing them.

The EPA has started a campaign asking people not to waste food. Mostly because they are tired of being called in to clean up landfills that have become toxic from people throwing away their leftover McNuggets.

An Ohio lawyer is being accused of hypnotizing a client and getting her to perform sex acts. Usually people don’t experience that feeling from a lawyer until they get their legal bill.

A Japanese company is planning on designing a city that can be sunk into the depths of the ocean. Although anyone wanting to live in a city that is completely underwater can always just move to Detroit.

A Japanese company is planning on designing a city that can be sunk into the depths of the ocean. Or people can just move to any coastal city and wait for global warming to do the same thing.

A two year investigation by the House Intelligence Committee says there was no wrongdoing in Benghazi. Which is disappointing to Republicans because it means the investigation wasted time, was an unnecessary expense and that they now need a new strategy to use against Hillary Clinton.

China has opened its stock exchange to foreign money. Mostly because the Chinese don’t have any money left after loaning all of it to the U.S.

GM is being accused of pressuring a supplier to keep producing a substandard ignition switch. Mostly because they figured why should they be any different than their substandard engine parts, transmissions, chassis, suspension systems...

A Polish town has refused to name a park after Winnie-The-Pooh because of it’s dubious gender and being inappropriately dressed. Which pretty much takes away the chances of the park being named after RuPaul, Richard Simmons or Michael Jackson.

A window washer in San Francisco survived falling 11 stories and landing on a moving car. The car was reported to be heavily damaged but did have a sparking clean windshield.

A window washer in San Francisco survived falling 11 stories and landing on a moving car. People were shocked at the news. A car was actually moving in downtown San Francisco traffic?

The President of Indonesia flew a commercial economy flight to his son’s high school graduation. Which can mean only one thing. His son wants to attend college in the U.S. and he is already trying to do what he can to stay out of debt from paying off tuition loans for the next 30 years.

Test preparation company The Princeton Review is advising students when to emphasize or downplay their ethnic background. Which pretty much amounts to emphasize having an ethnic background unless applying to Princeton.

United Airlines is extending its on board streaming capabilities to Android devices. Mostly as a service to give all their passengers the same opportunity to find something to keep them occupied while waiting four hours on the tarmac before takeoff.

Colorado has approved a credit union for marijuana stores. So far their have been more than 100 applications for loans, all from the Zig-Zag Man.

Colorado has approved a credit union for marijuana stores. They are offering a 30 year loan which means it will take 30 years for someone running the store to remember they have to make a payment.

Colorado has approved a credit union for marijuana stores. Which will mostly be used to buy pizza, Oreos and Doritos for employees to pass the time waiting for the business to open its doors.

The cost of settling the Bernard Madoff bankruptcy has cost more than $1 Billion in legal fees. Which just shows that Madoff would have come out with more money and not had to go to jail if instead he just got a law degree.

The European Parliament is prosing to break up Google. Apparently they came up with the idea after searching for possible solutions by typing it in on Yahoo.

A Pennsylvania oil well is still producing after 153 years. It’s the greatest example of pumping something way beyond its usefulness since Dick Cheney’s original heart.

A Pennsylvania oil well is still producing after 153 years. Which continues to be the inspiration of the Republican Party’s energy policy.

A study says that in the first six years after graduating, students with economic doctorates from top schools like Harvard and MIT don’t do any research that is good enough to be published. Mostly because every class since 2007 is still trying to figure out if we actually still have an economy.

A study says that in the first six years after graduating, students with economic doctorates from top schools like Harvard and MIT don’t do any research that is good enough to be published. Mostly because it takes all the skills they have during that time to figure out how long it is going to take to pay off their student loans.

Honda is in talks to come up with a solution to fix the faulty airbags in their cars. If car executives could have just inflated those airbags with as much wind as they have used in making excuses, there wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place.

Honda is in talks to come up with a solution to fix the faulty airbags in their cars. So far their best idea is to give everyone a big balloon and tell them to start blowing them up really fast when they see another car about to hit them.

A Labor Department survey says that American men’s wages have dropped 3.5% since 2009 but women’s wages have remained steady. And who says the government isn’t trying to do something about giving women equal pay?

A report says that Chinese investors are buying up property in bankrupt Detroit. Mostly because they figure they have a better chance at making their money back than they do with loaning the federal government anymore of their cash.

An increase in the sale of men’s underwear is an indication to some financial experts that the economy may be recovering. Either that or it’s a result of what happens after men take a look at their most recent 401(k) statement.

An economic professor at UCLA says that President Obama’s immigration plan could boost labor income by as much as $6.8 Billion. Mostly from Republicans hiring contractors to try to finally build that fence all the way across the Mexican border.

A study says that senior aggression is becoming a common problem in nursing homes. Especially on Friday fish night about the time when the tartar sauce starts to run low.

A study says that senior aggression is becoming a common problem in nursing homes. Some are getting so out of control they have been seen scowling and shaking their fist at the same person.

A study says that senior aggression is becoming a common problem in nursing homes. Mostly because they need an outlet since they can no longer stand on their own front porch yelling “Get off my lawn!”

A study says that hookahs deliver toxic benzene in every puff. To which conservatives say they don’t care as long as it isn’t Ben Gay.

A study says that smoking tobacco through a hookah delivers toxic benzene in every puff. To which most people who use hookahs are saying “Tobacco?”

A study says that elderly people who run have the same fitness as 20 year olds. Which is good news for the 20 year olds who say if they wait until they are seniors to start running, then what’s the difference?

A study says the obesity rate in many U.S. states is higher than previously thought, mostly because people say they are taller than they really are. That’s because of the people who measure their height from their back to their stomach while they are lying down.

A study says the obesity rate in many U.S. states is higher than previously thought, mostly because people say they are taller than they really are. Which means all we need to do to make it to normal weight as a country is achieve an average height of 6’8”.

A study says that eating too many transfats can hurt men’s memory. Which is OK because if men wanted to be able to forget anything they ever did they wouldn’t ever get married.

A study says that many binge drinkers are not alcoholics. The study also says that men don’t cheat on their wives, all prisoners are really not guilty and the check is in the mail.

Scientists say that an algae virus appears to have jumped from plants to animals, leaving a DNA footprint in some people’s throats. It would be the first time DNA was found that way since investigators took a throat culture from Monica Lewinsky.

A study says that mental health issues are widespread in the U.S. and are suffered by 1 in 5 adults. The other four don’t have teenagers living in the same house.

An outbreak of the plague has killed 40 people in Madagascar. The good news is that there is finally something to take everyone’s minds off of Ebola.

Billy Joel will set a record with his 65th show during the summer at Madison Square Garden. He would have set the record long ago but missed several scheduled performances when he never arrived after trying to drive himself to the show.

Billy Joel will set a record with his 65th show during the summer at Madison Square Garden. He will break the record of 64 times when the Knicks have actually showed up ready to play.

Drew Brees will try to become only the third quarterback to beat all 32 NFL teams. The only problem is trying to figure out how to get past the other 31 teams once you have beaten the Raiders.

Tiger Woods has hired Chris Como as his new swing coach. Apparently the problem was until now he was mistakenly taking golf lessons from CNN anchor Chris Cuomo.

Tiger Woods has hired Chris Como as his new swing coach. The problem is nobody has been able to really show anyone how to swing since Perry Como.

The man behind the unsolved secret code on the sculpture at the CIA has released a second clue. The sad part is that the CIA cryptographers are still trying to use their decoder rings to solve “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.”

A new app helps people in New York City find compatible roommates. The first thing it does is separate people who prefer to live in a refrigerator box from Amana as opposed to those who would rather have a Kenmore.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanksgiving is coming up Thursday. That means you still have a few days to figure out how to catch Ebola so you can be isolated from all your family members. There are worse things than getting together with the family for the holidays. It could be every day. That’s why I am here, to make you glad you don’t have to spend more than a few minutes with me every day. You can always consider me your own dysfunctional family any time. Just remember once in awhile to make sure to send the love!

Friday, November 21, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Obama Administration admits it inflated Obamacare signups with 380,000 people who just subscribed to the dental plan. The numbers could have been even higher except for some reason there were no dental plan enrollees from Alabama or Georgia.

The Senate claims the CIA wants to destroy thousands of e-mails pertaining to their spying activities. The disturbing part is that the agency that is responsible for protecting us by being at the forefront of technology can’t even delete some e-mails without being caught.

A company has developed a machine that reportedly can scan a person’s DNA in 90 minutes. It is so accurate that within an hour and a half it can tell if someone has been out with Bill Clinton.

Legendary Hollywood filmmaker Mike Nichols, who directed “The Graduate” has died at age 83. If “The Graduate” were remade in a contemporary setting the film would be about a man living in his parents’ basement trying to figure out how to pay off all his tuition loans.

Legendary Hollywood filmmaker Mike Nichols, who directed “The Graduate” has died at age 83. If “The Graduate” were remade today they would use typecasting to give the role of Mrs. Robinson to Demi Moore.

Scientists say that using a hand dryer “splatters” the user with bacteria. Pretty much like making out with Paris Hilton.

Casino firm Wynn Resorts is reportedly being investigated for money laundering.  casino representative says they are setting the odds at 3 to 1 there won’t be any convictions.

Casino firm Wynn Resorts is reportedly being investigated for money laundering. What’s next, looking into hospitals for overcharging patients for Band-Aids?

A report says that Prince Charles plans to speak out on issues that matter to him when he becomes king. Although it isn’t sure how seriously anyone will take a man whose mom made him wait until he was past 60 to take over the family business.

A report says that Prince Charles plans to speak out on issues that matter to him when he becomes king.Which is good news for everyone else who believes it’s time for reform when it comes to necessary rules changes for polo.

A report says that America is one of the least happy countries. Apparently the study was done with Democrats right after the midterm elections.

A report says that America is one of the least happy countries. Mostly because the most frequent response to researchers’ questions on the survey was “What are you looking at?”

The Secret Service arrested a man outside the gates of the White House who reportedly had a gun in his car. Apparently he was on his way back out of the White House to get it after taking a nap in the Lincoln Bedroom.

The Secret Service arrested a man outside the gates of the White House who reportedly had a gun in his car. The man is thought to be mentally disturbed because he claimed to be Joe Biden and it turned out to be true.

A Massachusetts fifth grader was suspended for making a finger gun and pointing it at other children. Students should know by now that when it comes to showing digits at school, it is only OK to flash the middle finger.

A Massachusetts fifth grader was suspended for making a finger gun and pointing it at other children. The student says he only did it because the school made him leave his AK-47 in his locker during recess.

Pope Francis I says that people should feed the hungry and save life on the planet. Which means just don’t feed them at McDonald’s, Burger King or Taco Bell.

A 100 year old Tennessee woman saw the ocean for the first time. Actually, they just took her down the road to Old Hickory Lake and figured she would never know the difference.

A 100 year old Tennessee woman saw the ocean for the first time. Now that she has achieved that goal, next on the list will be opening a book.

A 100 year old Tennessee woman saw the ocean for the first time. That’s no big deal. What would really be amazing is when a Tennessee native lives long enough to see a dentist.

Tennessee lawmakers and the Governor are reportedly close to repealing using Common Core in schools. Which means the math curriculum will go back to the more traditional Tennessee standard of “learnin’ them kids how to cipher.”

Comcast is testing an app that tells customers when technicians are within 30 minutes of their home. That gives the customer the opportunity to drive around in a 30 minute radius and see if they can actually find them.

AT&T will settle allegations over illegally dumped electronic waste in California. Which was a result of AT&T customers throwing their iPhones into the trash after they couldn’t complete any calls or get an online connection.

CBS News has reassigned Chairman Jeff Fager. The head of CBS news is called the chairman because their audience is pretty much confined to viewers who are too old to get out of their chair.

CBS News has reassigned Chairman Jeff Fager. It was not considered a demotion because at least he wasn’t sent over to CNN.

Singapore Airlines has charged a flier who fell asleep on a flight $1,200 for Wi-Fi service on the plane. Although most travelers say it would be worth the cost if it were to be able to look at anything else other than the inflight movie featuring Adam Sandler.

The Federal Reserve has launched a review of how it oversees major banks. Financial experts were surprised at the news. The Federal Reserve oversees what banks are doing?

BMW’s i3 has been awarded the Green Car of the Year at the L.A. Auto Show. Although to be really considered a “green” car in L.A. it must not only run on electricity but also have hemp seats and come with a factory installed herbal tea brewer in the console.

BMW’s i3 has been awarded the Green Car of the Year at the L.A. Auto Show. In L.A. to qualify a car as being “green” all you need to do is turn the engine off any time you are stuck in gridlock on the 405.

An analysis says the cost of Thanksgiving dinner has gone up a bit to $49.41 for ten people. Although that doesn’t include the cost of three more years of therapy that comes from sitting down with the whole family for an entire evening.

A survey says that fewer Americans will go shopping on Thanksgiving Day. Mostly because they have already taken advantages of all the sales and bought all their presents right after Halloween.

A study says that chemicals in antibacterial soap caused tumors in mice. Which is sad because the only reason the mice were using the soap was to cut back on germs and try to be a little healthier.

A study says that chemicals in antibacterial soap caused tumors in mice. Which is no big deal because they were washing their hands before getting some dinner which was cheese in a mousetrap that was just going to snap their necks anyway.

A poll says that Americans’ ratings of healthcare have remained generally steady. In other words, it is still unaffordable, unreliable and unattainable.

A poll says that a majority of Americans believe it’s not the government’s job to provide health care for all. Apparently it also isn’t the job of the insurance companies, hospitals or doctors.

A poll says that a majority of Americans believe it’s not the government’s job to provide health care for all. Which Congress is bending to the will of the people by trying to make sure health care isn’t available to anyone.

A study says that 87% of adults in the U.S. who are 65 or older suffer from at least one chronic illness. Mostly old age.

A study says that 87% of adults in the U.S. who are 65 or older suffer from at least one chronic illness. Which means elderly people who are using medicinal marijuana are fighting chronic with chronic.

A report says that 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. dealt with a mental illness in 2013. Mostly the ones they put in office with the election of 2012.

A report says that 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. dealt with a mental illness in 2013. No one had any idea that many people were still watching “The Kardashians.”

A report says that 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. dealt with a mental illness in 2013. The other 4 didn’t need to go to the DMV to renew their driver’s licenses for at least another year.

A study says that rushing to put on a condom can cause problems with leaks. Although the results of trying to save a few seconds might not be fully realized for another nine months.

A study says that people whose age ends in “9” are more likely to make big changes in their lives. Like the 9 year olds who decide to go ahead and kiss a girl even though it might mean being infected with Cooties.

A study says that people whose age ends in “9” are more likely to make big changes in their lives. Especially the 19 year old college students who decide to go ahead and take out those college loans they will be paying off until they are 89.

A study says that people who have experienced weight discrimination and believe it is widespread are more likely to give up on regular exercise. Which makes about as much sense as an elderly man who has experience age discrimination hiking his pants up a little higher.

A study says that women who go off the Pill may find their partner less attractive. Don’t we already have a substance that makes women pick less attractive men? It’s called alcohol.

A study says that women who go off the Pill may find their partner less attractive. Mostly because they like going out with Donald Trump and letting him pick up the tab until they realize there is a chance they could have a baby with that haircut.

A report says half the world’s adults could be overweight by 2030. Which means they will have finally caught up with the other half who are already there.

A study says that injecting beads of gel into the walls of a heart may fight heart failure. Which is ironic, especially in the cases where the heart failure was caused by the injecting beads of gel into the donuts they were eating.

A report says that Africa is nearing the eradication of polio. The only problem is that no one is catching polio anymore because they have all died from Ebola.

A report says that obesity is costing the world $2 Trillion a year. Which coincidentally is exactly the same amount of money that was spent on Chicken McNuggets.

A study says that exercise may not help type 2 diabetics control their blood sugar. Especially when the exercise involves pacing back and forth at the counter waiting for your order of Dunkin’ Donuts to be ready.

The CDC says that 1 in 3 adults drink excessively but are not alcoholics. Which proves the theory that the first stage of alcoholism is denial.

The FDA has approved a hard to abuse hydrocodone painkiller. The tablets are designed to thwart abuse by chewing, crushing or snorting the pills. Hopefully drug addicts won’t ever figure out some way of maybe just swallowing them.

The 6-4 Seattle Seahawks say that they don’t have a “Super Bowl hangover.” If there is such a thing, it means the Raiders can be proud to claim they have been completely sober since 1984.

The Buffalo Bills’ game against the New York Jets has been moved to Detroit on Monday because of all the snow in western New York. To which the fans are saying it would be crazy to play a game in such dangerous conditions. Which is why they want the game moved back to Buffalo.

The NSA Chief says that China could cripple the U.S. power grid and financial networks with a cyber attack. Or they could just wait a few weeks and let the inevitable happen by itself.

That’s it for now. Oh Faithful Readers! I ignored the obvious joke today, having to do with the Raiders actually winning last night. Mostly because jokes need to be based at least in part on truth and no one would have suspended their disbelief for that one. Beating Kansas City no less! And not just the cheerleaders this time. Well, I guess miracles do happen around Thanksgiving time. And even after Thanksgiving when you find you can still fit into that Members Only jacket you have had hanging in the closet since 1976. Don’t worry. It will come back into style. Just like these jokes never go out of style, since they are all pretty much left over from 1976. Hope you all have a good weekend and before you get ready to go and fight the crowds for your pre-Black Friday shopping spree, remember to take some time to send the love!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Nestle is working on an “exercise in a bottle” that helps burn fat like exercise. People say they would use such a product, although they aren’t keen about the idea of having to actually get up from the couch and over to the refrigerator to get one of the bottles.

A report says that cars of the future will be able to read minds that can anticipate drivers’ next moves. Which means that the person sitting in the driver’s seat will actually get to become a back seat driver.

A report says that cars of the future will be able to read minds that can anticipate drivers’ next moves. Which means the cars will automatically be pulling in at every available Starbucks and turning in to the drive-thru at each McDonald’s.

Burglars in Chicago crashed a car into a mall, stealing $120,000 in merchandise from a Louis Vuitton store. Which means they got away with as many as three handbags and a pair of shoes.

China says that controlling the Internet preserves stability. Mostly because it’s no fun for hackers who get bored trying to break into the same five sites.

China says that controlling the Internet preserves stability. For one thing, the divorce rate is way down without men having the chance to be caught by their wives while they are looking at porn sites.

France has given lawmakers new powers that could allow them to impeach their president. To which Republicans are saying they had no idea that Francois Hollande had been caught getting oral sex.

A report says that hackers can now even steal data from computers that aren’t online. Which means even Internet customers of AT&T are no longer safe.

A report says the ultra rich are holding up to 25% of their net worth in cash. Mostly because they are so wealthy they finally just ran out of stuff to buy.

A report says the ultra rich are holding up to 25% of their net worth in cash. Mostly the Wall Street executives who want to have enough money around to pay for bail in case they are ever actually caught.

A study says that banking culture that puts financial gain above all else breeds dishonesty. Apparently the study is called “The American Economy.”

A study says that banking culture that puts financial gain above all else breeds dishonesty. The study was conducted by researchers at the University of No Kidding.

A study says that banking culture that puts financial gain above all else breeds dishonesty. Which is not a big concern for most Americans who haven’t actually had any need to use a bank since 2007.

The U.N. says the world is not close to avoiding dangerous warming. But that is understandable as we also aren’t close to peace, economic stability, hunger, corruption, unemployment, pollution...

A new “normal” Barbie is being marketed that comes with average proportions, acne and cellulite. Plus there is a special Alabama Barbie who comes with Meth mouth and tattoos along with a Ken doll wearing a wife beater and holding a Confederate flag.

A new “normal” Barbie is being marketed that comes with average proportions, acne and cellulite. Not only that, she lives in a Dream House that comes with its own “Foreclosed” sign in front.

A province near Beijing is aiming to move its polluting factories overseas. Which means we have finally devised a plan to get all the jobs we sent over there back into the U.S.

The Justice Department collected $25 Billion in fines and penalties. Which was a real bargain for the Wall Street banks that paid the money in return for stealing about a trillion dollars from Americans while destroying the global economy.

A British hotel tried to charge a couple $100 for writing a negative review online. Or as Super 8 Motels calls that practice, the company’s profit margin.

The Secret Service says it is renewing its emphasis on training and hiring. For one thing, they could start by hiring people who can be trained to remember to lock the front door of the White House.

Buffalo, New York has been buried under more than five feet of snow from a series of storms. It is almost as white as the rest of America under the proposed Republican immigration policy.

A BYU student has been arrested for hacking into the computer system and changing his F grades to As. What’s worse is that by getting caught he also got an F in his computer programming class.

A BYU-Idaho student has been arrested for hacking into the computer system and changing his F grades to A’s. School officials became suspicious when it was discovered for the first time a student from BYU-Idaho actually had some A grades.

President Obama is making a pitch to expand high speed Internet into schools. That will give them the chance to look at their Facebook page and e-mails for the few minutes they are in class and can’t use their smartphones or tablets.

A collection of more than 200,000 movie posters is going up for auction. The trick is to find the seven posters that come from movies that did not feature Kevin Bacon.

Folger’s Coffee says that its recent price increase was a “misstep.” Who do they think they are, Starbucks?

Nielsen says it will start to measure viewership on streaming services like Netflix. The only problem is that it will finally reveal that no matter what people say they are watching online, 95% of what they are checking out is porn.

The first McDonald’s in Moscow has reopened after a 90 day shutdown because of health violations. Which shows they are just like Americans. After only a few days without his Big Mac fix Vladimir Putin invaded the Ukraine and Crimea and is already trying to start up the Cold War again with the U.S.

GM says it is trying to figure the root cause of the Takata airbag problems. Although there wouldn’t be a problem if the airbags didn’t need to be deployed from so many people running their cars into trees because they are texting while driving.

An economist says the U.S. is still in the early stages of economic recovery. Which is a nice way of saying we are really just stuck in the late stages of the depression.

The Obama Administration says it is open to limits on the duration of its military operations in Iraq and Syria. Apparently that means this time we will just stay there until we run out of soldiers or money, whichever comes first.

A “dating guru” based in L.A. has been banned from the UK. Mostly because he claims one of his most successful clients is Bill Cosby.

JetBlue will start to charge for checked bags on some of its lowest fares. Although most JetBlue passengers like to take only carry on luggage so they can have access to changes of clothes while their flight is sitting on the tarmac for three days.

A study says that alcohol damages white matter in the brain which can disrupt a person’s judgment and reasoning abilities. Which is apparently already pretty much impaired by the fact the person is drunk in the first place.

A study says that mental and emotional stress might have a more serious effect on women’s hearts than men. Which is mainly because most of the mental and emotional stress in a relationship is caused by the men.

A study says that 80 Million bacteria are transferred in a single kiss, mostly to the shorter person. Which is because the women are usually the shorter of the two and they are kissing a man who has probably not brushed his teeth or flossed in three weeks.

A study says that 80 Million bacteria are transferred in a single kiss, mostly to the shorter person. If you are getting 80 Million bacteria from your partner’s saliva, the biggest threat isn’t illness as much as drowning.

A study says that cocaine damage to the heart is often undetected. Especially when they are such a heavy user that they can stay up another three straight days before they realize they have already died.

A report says that half the Liberian work force is out of of a job since the Ebola crisis started. In other words, things are pretty much back to normal.

A report says that half the Liberian work force is out of of a job since the Ebola crisis started. President George W. Bush says he knows how they feel since his wife is a liberian and she hasn’t worked in a liberry in years.

A report says that half the Liberian work force is out of of a job since the Ebola crisis started. In that country, when the boss gets a sick call it usually also means he has to post a job opening.

NASA says that living in zero gravity affects men and women differently. Especially men who don’t have to listen to the women curse the effects of what gravity has done to them.

A study says that men find high heels sexier. Until they keep staring at a pair long enough for their wife to hit them in the head with her flats.

A study says that men find high heels sexier. Especially when they are worn by a woman.

A study says that men find high heels sexier. Although it has to be remembered the research was compiled by people who think lab coats and glasses are attractive.

A study says the sudden stress of police work can cause an increased risk of heart attacks. Which evens up the score because the same feeling comes for everyone else when they see the red lights in their rear view mirror.

Forbes has ranked Beyonce as the top earning woman in music, taking in $115 Million in 2014. Although she still hasn’t produced a music video that has gotten as many views as the security camera shots of Jay-Z getting beat up by Solange in an elevator.

Meredith Vieira says she prefers to go commando. Which was discovered when the answer to most contestants on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” with what they would do with their money was to “buy Meredith some underwear.”

Chris Hemsworth has been picked as People’s Sexiest Man Alive. In a related story, for the tenth straight year Larry King has been chosen as the Sexiest Man Not Alive.

Firefox has dropped Google as its default search engine and has replaced it with Yahoo. The worst part is that people are using Yahoo to search for Google.

Dictionary.com has picked their word of the year as “exposure.” Apparently they haven’t been watching “The Kardashians” or the word of the year would have been “overexposure.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Speaking of overexposure, this site is still the victim of serious underexposure. My goal of 7 Million daily readers is still around 6.9999999....Billion below projections. Feel free to tell your friends or better yet start a chain letter that tells people to read the jokes or suffer serious consequences. Like being made to read the jokes. I always appreciate you taking the time to check them out, and the only thing I like even more is when you also remember to send the love!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Greetings, Oh faithful Readers!

St. Louis University in Missouri has been giving students tips on how to protest if there is more unrest in Ferguson. Apparently they need the help because when it comes to making protest signs, they have never actually been taught how to write by hand.

Students and parents at a high school in Arkansas have complained about a teacher who brings her baby to school and breastfeeds it in the classroom. Apparently the teacher just wants the baby to be close to its father who is in her second period math class.

Berkeley, California will vote on putting climate change labels on gas pumps in the city. People were surprised. There is someone in Berkeley who owns a car that runs on gas?

A restaurant owner in L.A. has pleaded guilty to serving whale meat. Although he claims he just used the blubber as a fat to fry up the dolphin, Bengal tiger and rhinoceros specials he was offering.

A restaurant owner in L.A. has pleaded guilty to serving whale meat. He says he bought it from a fisherman who hooked it off the Redondo Beach coast and told him it was just a well fed tuna.

A Swedish woman has been fitted with a microchip implant that opens the office door at work. Although if she wants to get inside the doors of the top management at work she got the wrong kind of implant.

A Swedish woman has been fitted with a microchip implant that opens the office door at work. The bad part is that she will have to go back into surgery if her company ever decides to change the locks.

Indonesia is being criticized for testing women police recruits to see if they are virgins. If they are, they are immediately put on duty as meter maidens.

A study says that the U.S. world ranking for personal freedom has dropped to 21st place. While the study hasn’t been officially released yet, the information was just put out from the parts that have been hacked and intercepted by the NSA.

A survey ranks Germany as the world’s favorite country. In fact, a sign at the country’s borders now proclaims “No Attempts At Global Takeovers in 70 Years.”

A study says that slumping over a cellphone to text or check e-mails can add 60 pounds of pressure on a person’s neck. Not to mention the pressure on their neck from the hands of their wife when she sees who her husband is texting with.

Charles Manson and his fiancee have gotten a marriage license. And you thought it was scary the first time you were asked to come over and meet your future spouse’s “Family.”

Charles Manson and his fiancee have gotten a marriage license. It will be nice that his vows of “‘til death do you part” will be the exact length of time as his prison sentence.

Charles Manson and his fiancee have gotten a marriage license. How bad will it be for his fiancee’s old boyfriends who have live with the fact they just didn’t measure up to Charles Manson?

A proposed Italian law that would make it easier for businesses to get rid of employees has sparked protests before even being passed. It will become much more of an issues just as soon as any Italians actually are able to find any work.

A task force has recommended changes to the Ohio State marching band due to an “undercurrent of inappropriate behavior.” For one thing, band members complain they are the only students in the country who are still required to know how to write in cursive.

The late Bob Marley is set to be the face of the first global marijuana label. Marley was picked as the top choice after the company eliminated the other candidates which included the Pillsbury Doughboy, the Keebler Elves and the M&M spokescandies.

The late Bob Marley is set to be the face of the first global marijuana label. His official title will be “smokesperson.”

The late Bob Marley is set to be the face of the first global marijuana label. Even when he was alive he was called “the late Bob Marley” because he was so stoned it would take him three hours to find where he was going.

A study says that barely 1 in 5 homes in L.A. can be afforded by the middle class. Mostly because the middle class people don’t have any money left after they buy the necessary L.A. status symbols of a BMW, Laker season tickets and Botox lips.

A study says that barely 1 in 5 homes in L.A. can be afforded by the middle class. Mostly because it takes a half million dollars just to get into a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

A study says that barely 1 in 5 homes in L.A. can be afforded by the middle class. The other four apparently can’t be afforded by anyone because they are still going through foreclosure.

Chicago radio station WGN was knocked off the air when some water pipes in the building burst. Which shows that the old saying is still true, that to keep a radio station on the air you need to have a great set of pipes.

The chief of quality at Takata will face a Senate panel over the recall of several of their vehicle airbags. And who would know better about how to get to the bottom of the issue than the biggest set of windbags on the planet?

The chief of quality at Takata will face a Senate panel over the recall of several of their vehicle airbags. Auto industry experts were surprised. Takata has a quality department?

Federal prosecutors say that bullying, lying debt collectors are becoming an epidemic. Who do these people think they are, the IRS?

Federal prosecutors say that bullying, lying debt collectors are becoming an epidemic. And who would know about angry lenders more than the people who represent a country that has racked up $17 Trillion in bad debt?

A study says that 66% of Millennial men expect their partners to raise their children. The other 34% don’t have to worry about having kids since they live at home, have no job and have years of college loans to pay before they can even think about landing a date.

A study says that 66% of Millennial men expect their partners to raise their children. Or as other generations call that, being men.

2014 Bar Exam scores saw some of the lowest totals in ten years. The good news is that law schools won’t face any legal action from the students because they barely know how to file the paperwork for small claims court.

A study says that by 2040, fewer than half of all families will have two cars. What’s worse is that the one they do have will officially be considered their place of residence.

A study says that by 2040, fewer than half of all families will have two cars. And those will just be the ones who are still buying from GM and need a spare for when their main car is in the shop for the latest recall.

A dispute could cause CBS to go dark on the Dish Network. Which makes no difference as the people who still watch CBS are old enough to still have a set of rabbit ears on top of their TV.

A new app shows users what 200 calories of different types of food looks like. Which usually amounts to the portion of the doughnut the user has already eaten while looking at the app.

A baby with eight limbs was born in India. The child has already been scouted by Nike. Not for an athletic endorsement, but as someone who can sew four pair of shoes at once in one of their sweatshop factories.

The CDC is taking down a website that offers an obesity cost calculator that shows businesses how much it costs them to have overweight employees. Or as most American employers know obese employees as, “employees.”

The CDC is taking down a website that offers an obesity cost calculator that shows businesses how much it costs them to have overweight employees. The worst part is when companies replace “Time is money” as their motto with “You’re costing us, fatty!”

“Vape,” which means smoking e-cigarettes has been picked as the Oxford English Dictionary’s Word of the Year. Mostly because it is the only word in young people’s lexicon that hasn’t been shortened to an abbreviation or acronym by kids for texting.

A study says that cocaine causes heart problems. Mostly when a user realizes they just spent their life savings on their $1,000 a day habit.

A study says that a high fructose diet may contribute to anxiety and depression during adolescence. Which most parents of adolescents are asking how can anyone tell?

A study in England says that using antibiotics during dental procedures can lower the risk of heart infections. The study would have been completed 30 years sooner but it took that long to find any people in England who actually had any dental work done.

The Cleveland Clinic has completed its second face transplant. The first one was done when LeBron James announced he was going to Miami and was afraid of being recognized before he was able to leave town.

A study says that it is good to quit smoking even if it associated with a weight gain. Which is ironic that people gain weight after quitting tobacco, but only after they start smoking marijuana.

A man in India who complained of a buzzing noise in his head was found to have maggots in his ear. And you thought it was bad when you couldn’t get rid of that earworm.

A study says that eating less may help keep people’s minds sharper. Mostly from trying to remember where everyone in the office is hiding their stash of snacks.

A study says that eating too many trans fats may damage a person’s memory. Especially when their roommate starts asking what happened to that bag of Doritos they put in the cabinet.

A study says that working the night shift may slow a person’s metabolism. Which is why public offices close in the afternoon as it would be physically impossible for government workers to move even slower than they do now.

Reality based networks are turning to scripted shows to improve their ratings. Producers would have tried to combine the two, but none of the cast members from “The Kardashians,” “Duck Dynasty” or “Honey Boo Boo” could actually read a script.

“Knight Rider” creator Glen Larson has died at age 77. He was preceded in death by the show’s talking car KITT, who was recalled by GM back in 1986.

Tiger Woods is blasting Gold Digest magazine and writer Dan Jenkins for a parody interview. The magazine says that no reader would have thought the interview was real as the parody actually had Woods answering the questions.

Tiger Woods is blasting Gold Digest magazine and writer Dan Jenkins for a parody interview. Members of the sports media were surprised. Dan Jenkins is still around?

A German company has found a way to make water and CO2 into synthetic petroleum based fuels. Apparently BP is suing for stealing their idea since they did the same thing to the water in the Gulf of Mexico.

The Senate has failed to move forward on a bill to reform the NSA. The bad part is that the results were leaked to the media by the NSA three hours before the vote was even taken.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! President Obama is expected to take executive action on immigration reform any day now. Which is great news for me in that I will no longer have to try to hide the undocumented aliens I have in my basement sweat shop writing all my jokes. Hey, it isn’t easy for me, either. That means I still have to get someone to translate from all those different languages. Which is good in that I have someone to translate any language you use when you remember to send the love!

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that people trust social media less than any other form of communication. To which anyone under 30 says “There are other forms of communication?”

Facebook says it will no longer allow politicians to use the site to reach voters. Apparently they want to limit the social network to what it was originally intended. To let people show complete strangers pictures of every meal they have eaten that day.

Facebook says it will no longer allow politicians to use the site to reach voters. Which really doesn’t matter because most Facebook users aren’t able to pull themselves away from the site even long enough to go to the polls on election day and vote.

A critic of polygraph tests is being accused of teaching people how to lie to the government. Apparently government officials can’t understand why anyone should need to be taught what comes second nature to people in public office.

Federal drug agents launched surprise inspections of NFL teams following games. Although a really serious investigation for drug use probably won’t take place until someone actually loses to the Raiders.

Obamacare adviser Jonathan Gruber is on record as saying that seniors “do a terrible job” of choosing their own public health care plan. That can only be expected from people who aren’t even able to pick a pair of pants that doesn’t come up to their chest.

Researchers are warning of dangers of second hand marijuana smoke. Mostly because the only people who inhale secondhand marijuana smoke are potheads who are already too stoned to be able to roll a joint for themselves.

A new blood test reportedly can detect Alzheimer’s Disease ten years ahead of its onset. Which at least gives people a decade’s head start on picking a place to leave their car keys where they will be able to find them.

A new blood test reportedly can detect Alzheimer’s Disease ten years ahead of its onset. The first clue is when someone gets lost trying to find the clinic where they are having the blood test.

A study says that 36 Million people around the world are living in slavery. People were shocked at the news. No one had any idea there were that many people who were working for 7-Eleven, Wal-Mart and McDonald’s.

An ex-con in Oklahoma was arrested for biting off the ear of a man during a fight in a bowling alley. The good news is he only bit off one ear so it was scored as a spare.

A news anchor in Australia revealed he wore the same suit every day for an entire year with no one noticing. Mostly because they couldn’t take their eyes off the tie with the gravy stain he kept wearing with it.

A news anchor in Australia revealed he wore the same suit every day for an entire year with no one noticing. Which is a bit different than CNN where there are so few people watching that no one would notice if Wolf Blitzer showed up naked for a year.

A federal insurance fund that protects pensions is reportedly running at a deficit of $62 Billion. Labor leaders were shocked. There are still Americans who have pension plans?

A survey says that 74% of parents might pull their kids out of daycares where there are children that haven’t been vaccinated. Not because of the possibility their children might become sick, but because they don’t have jobs anymore where they need someone to watch their kids.

The Church of England has adopted a plan that would allow women to become bishops. Apparently church leaders were bored and wondered if a major change would cause Prince Charles to go Henry VIII on them and cut off Camilla’s head.

A task force in Colorado that is trying to decide what edible pot products should look like has reportedly made no progress. Minutes of the meetings so far show that the discussions have consisted of non-stop giggling and an occasional “Wow, man.”

A task force in Colorado that is trying to decide what edible pot products should look like has reportedly made no progress. The only thing that has been accomplished is the group’s first meeting went through their entire yearly budget for pizza and snacks.

A study says that comparison shopping for mobile banking services is difficult. Mostly because it is tough to get people to use their cellphones for banking when they can’t go more than 30 seconds without looking at their e-mails, Facebook page or Twitter account.

A poll says that most Americans don’t like Obamacare while three quarters of the people who are actually enrolled in the plan are satisfied. Maybe there is something to that Jonathan Gruber’s comments about the stupidity of American voters.

Data says that U.S. airlines are packing in passengers at record rates which has caused an 18.2% increase in complaints. Mostly from the 18.2% of people who fly Southwest and ended up having to buckle in another passenger on their lap.

Facebook is getting set to launch a service aimed at business professionals. It’s for people who want to show pictures of the lunch they were able to put on their expense account.

Reynolds Tobacco is planning on marketing a new cigarette that won’t burn tobacco. Apparently they are a bit late as those already have been a big hit in Washington state and Colorado.

A report says that 1 in 30 American children are homeless. The question people are asking is which one of Kevin Federline’s 30 kids has met that fate.

Auto dealers are forecasting U.S. car sales to reach 16.9 Million in 2015. That doesn’t even include the 14 Million cars that people bought in 2014 that they will soon be getting to drive for the first time after they finally getting out of the shop from all the recalls.

A study in Japan has cast doubt on the idea that aspirin can help prevent a first heart attack. All it can really do is take care of the headache they get after their heart attack from hearing their spouse keep saying “I told you to exercise more and eat better.”

Honda will quietly replace airbags across the nation in the wake of the Takata airbag failures. Apparently they discovered that the problem started when Takata ran out of real airbags and started replacing their kits with whoopie cushions.

A study says that bad credit is linked to a higher risk of heart attacks. Especially when the bad credit comes from people not being able to pay all the bills from their cardiologist.

A poll says that Ebola ranks among Americans’ top three healthcare concerns. The top two and all the others down the list are pretty much Obamacare.

A poll says that Ebola ranks among Americans’ top three healthcare concerns. The top two are Obamacare and drinking from the same glass as Paris Hilton.

A study says that fewer than half of school kids eat vegetables that are put on their lunch tray. Which isn’t all that bad when you consider the other half haven’t showed up at school in the past six weeks.

A study says that fewer than half of school kids eat vegetables that are put on their lunch tray. Mostly because they have never actually known you could eat something that wasn’t macaroni and cheese, a burger or chicken nuggets.

The Red Cross says it is harder to recruit people to help with Ebola than to go to Iraq. Mostly because people know their odds are better because at least there have been a few people who have actually been able to survive getting Ebola.

Data says that sleep problems are different for men and for women. Especially for men who will have to spend all night with one eye open the rest of their lives after they are caught sleeping in the wrong bed.

A study says that mental illness is not the biggest reason youth carry guns. It’s to protect themselves from all the mentally ill adults around them who keep an arsenal of guns around the house.

The U.N. Ebola Mission Chief in Guinea has died of natural causes. Which is another way of saying he caught Ebola.

Researchers say that Viagra and caffeine can be used to save the lives of premature babies. Which is ironic in that most of those babies were born because their fathers wouldn’t have been able to conceive them without some help from caffeine and Viagra.

A study says that people suffering from vital exhaustion, a combination of fatigue, irritability and demoralization have a 36% higher chance of developing heart disease. Which is ironic in that most the people with those symptoms got them from trying to get onto the Obamacare website.

A study says that people suffering from vital exhaustion, a combination of fatigue, irritability and demoralization have a 36% higher chance of developing heart disease. Which is just more bad news for the people who regularly vote in elections.

A study says that 40% of calls to U.S. poison centers over energy drinks involve children under 6. Mostly kids who are desperately trying to stay awake after their parents stuck them in front of the TV set and the only available channel was PBS.

A study says that many teens suffer cyber dating abuse. Mostly girls who have to deal with fat, lazy teenage boys who sit on the couch all day playing video games and can’t understand why they can’t get a date.

A study says that many teens suffer cyber dating abuse. How lazy have our kids gotten than they have to go online instead of being there in person to annoy the person they have a crush on?

A study says that only a few schools offered healthy food options before nutritional standards were mandated by the government. Now that healthy meals are offered, children have learned how to get by without eating until school lets out and they can get a ride to the nearest McDonald’s.

A study says that working the night shift is linked to weight gain. Especially for people who see it as an opportunity to switch their schedule around so that they are eating dinner three times a day.

A study says that working the night shift is linked to weight gain. Especially when the job is working the night shift at Papa John’s, McDonald’s or KFC.

A study says that 80 Million bacteria are exchanged in one kiss. Even more when the kiss involves the boss’s backside.

A study says that 80 Million bacteria are exchanged in one kiss. The good news is if the kiss is with Paris Hilton, about 40 Million of those bacteria can be treated with penicillin.

A study says smartphone apps to help with losing weight may not work for some people. Especially the ones whose other apps are all for fast food restaurants, bars and ice cream shops.

A study says smartphone apps to help with losing weight may not work for some people. Mostly the ones who never put their cellphones down long enough to actually get in any physical activity.

A study says that obesity is tied to pollutants. Especially when the pollutants involved are pretty much all from barbecue smoke.

U2 frontman Bono reportedly hurt his arm in a bicycle accident in Central Park. Apparently he was injured when he was hit by some kind of jet door that fell off a plane somewhere.

Jose Canseco says he is going to put the gun and his middle finger he shot it off with it  for sale on eBay. What’s even worse is that the finger will be delivered in a cup of Wendy’s chili.

Jose Canseco says he is going to put the gun and his middle finger he shot it off with it  for sale on eBay. Canseco is lucky this happened after he left baseball because it turns out that was his hypodermic needle injecting finger he shot off.

Jose Canseco says he is going to put the gun and his middle finger he shot it off with it  for sale on eBay. Once again, Canseco makes money by giving someone his middle finger.

A study says that most men think they can fix a computer even when they can’t. Of course, most computers wouldn’t need fixing if it weren’t for all the viruses men download when they get into all their porn sites.

A study says that most men think they can fix a computer even when they can’t. Mostly because there is no way they will ever admit to being able to be beaten at anything by Bill Gates.

A poll says that most motorists think that self driving cars are dangerous. Mostly because no one knows how to navigate around vehicles that are actually staying in their lane while driving the speed limit.

A poll says that most motorists think that self driving cars are dangerous. Mostly because people are concerned if all the other cars on the road don’t have anyone behind the wheel, who will they be able to text to while they are out driving?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Much of the nation is engulfed by a cold snap. Which is more proof there is no global warming. Or, which is more proof there is global warming depending on whom you listen to. I prefer to blame it on the fact that it is November and most the nation is not Florida. Which is a good thing because our elections are bad enough without being Florida. However, the one thing that is always guaranteed to warm me up is when you all remember to send the love!