Friday, October 31, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Scientists say they have built “mini stomachs” for research purposes in the lab. They will use them to find out how to cure the problems caused by the maxi stomachs found in all Americans.

A report says that 71% of all new jobs in New Hampshire go to foreign born immigrants. Of course, in New Hampshire anyone who was born or ever lived even in Vermont or Maine is considered a foreigner.

A report says that 71% of all new jobs in New Hampshire go to foreign born immigrants. Mostly because it’s hard to find any Americans who are willing to sit and wait for three months to fill a bucket with sap dripping from a maple tree.

The mother of a student in Washington, D.C. is suing her school district for $11 Million after her son received oral sex from a substitute teacher. The worst part is that she was initially excited when her son says his teacher took him to the head of the class.

Lockheed Martin says it will buy a health care technology company. How expensive have medical costs gotten when a defense contractor that gets no-bid government deals decides it might just be in the wrong business?

Researchers say the Galapagos tortoise population has recovered because of a captive breeding program. Although one of the tortoises nearly escaped, but a massive hunt two months after it got through a fence was able to hunt it down nearly three feet away.

Researchers say the Galapagos tortoise population has recovered because of a captive breeding program. It was the most successful breeding program of animals living to nearly triple digits yet still being able to reproduce since Michael Douglas.

Interpol says it is considering charging airlines and other companies money for information on stolen passports. Mostly just so they can bill the airlines and say “So how’s it feel when you get hit with an extra fee?”

South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham says he was joking when he said that white men who belong to private clubs would “do great” if he was President. Which makes sense coming from someone who belongs to the most exclusive white men’s club in the country, the U.S. Senate.

The FTC has fined more than a dozen online dating sites for displaying fake profiles of women to get men to sign up. The only more fake profiles were the ones made up by the men in order to actually have a shot at meeting any of the fake profile women.

A severed arm from the 1862 Battle of Antietam is on display at the Civil War Museum in Maryland. The person it came from was unidentified but reportedly was on the Union side. Which brings accusations that the Confederates were shooting unarmed soldiers.

The Pope is warning Catholics that “the Devil is real.” In fact he just read a book that says a sure way to identify the demon is because it wears Prada.

In an attempt to monitor the latest business trends, IBM supercomputer Watson will mine 500 Million tweets a day. Otherwise known as the life of a 28 year old single unemployed man who spends all day using the free Wi-Fi at Starbucks.

The Lakeland Company in New York that manufactures hazmat suits has seen its stock go up 40% because of the Ebola scare. Either that or Paris Hilton is back on the dating circuit again.

Auction.com will use Google data to predict home sales trends. Which was a lot easier during the mortgage crisis when the trend was pretty much buy a home and move into an apartment six months later when it was foreclosed.

The NHTSA has ordered airbag manufacturer Takata to answer 36 questions or face a $35 Million fine. The first question on the list is “Do you have $35 Million?”

The NHTSA has ordered airbag manufacturer Takata to answer 36 questions or face a $35 Million fine. To which Takata is asking “Is it essay or multiple choice?”

The NHTSA has ordered airbag manufacturer Takata to answer 36 questions or face a $35 Million fine. To which Takata is asking how many do they have to get right before paying the fine.

A San Diego online dating site is using DNA matches to find compatible couples. Don’t we already have DNA matched dating? It’s called “Alabama.”

Stockton, California has won a court approved exit from bankruptcy. Apparently they convinced the judge if he didn’t approve their case they would get him transferred to Michigan and let him work on figuring how to clean up Detroit’s economy.

McDonald’s says it is changing its U.S. organizational structure. Which is ironic in that there has been a change in structures all across the country which have to be bigger and more sturdy to hold the people who eat at McDonald’s.

Microsoft says its new Band smartwatch will make wearers “a better human.” For one thing it will teach them to beware of the next time someone tries to sell them technology that promises to change their life and takes them for $199.

Government data says that women and southerners are hit the hardest by poverty. Fortunately the success of “The Kardashians,” “Honey Boo Boo” and “Duck Dynasty” shows there is a way for those groups to get out of the poverty cycle by just landing a part on a reality TV show.

Government data says that consumers are not spending as fast as their income is growing. Mostly because they are using any extra money to pay off all the debt they acquired in the past seven years when they didn’t have an income.

Gerber is being sued by the FTC for deceptive claims about their baby formula. Apparently many babies fell for their ads that promised “Googoo baba gaga.”

Honey Boo Boo’s mother “Mama June” Shannon says the controversy over her dating a convicted sex offender is tearing their family apart. Now who could have guessed that dating a convicted sex offender while you still have kids at home would have caused any problems?

A report says that Tom Cruise is dating Lindsay Lohan. They make a great couple as he likes to jump on the same couch that she is lying on when she sees her psychoanalyst.

A new ad by Victoria’s Secret which touts “the perfect body” has sparked outrage. So far, 10,000 people have signed an online petition calling for an apology. It is estimated of the 10,000 signers as many as three may be men.

Supermodel Elle Macpherson says she gave up alcohol and drugs to become fit at age 50. Which is different than when she was 14 and in order to become a supermodel she gave up food.

Jennifer Lopez says she “felt abused” in her past relationships. Apparently she is referring to the mental and physical exhaustion from having to fill out divorce papers against three different husbands.

Greg Allman has been dropped from a lawsuit stemming from a train accident that happened during the filming of a movie about his life. Apparently the lawyers figured it would be redundant since his whole life has pretty much been one big train wreck.

“The View” will be taken over by ABC News and placed in their non-fiction branch of programming. Apparently that move took place after they cut down the number of co-hosts to four and people could actually hear what one of them was saying once in awhile.

Paul Reubens says he is coming out with a new movie featuring Pee-wee Herman. People are just being advised that when the movie has its premier to make sure not to sit within two seats on either side of Reubens.

A judge says a trial is needed to determine if the Robin Thicke song “Blurred Lines” stole from Marvin Gaye’s “Got To Give It Up.” To which there have already been three million requests to serve on the jury by men who figure the evidence will include the uncensored video.

Medical experts say the NFL can do a better job of following concussion guidelines. And a better job with domestic violence, drug abuse, criminal activity, firearms...

Gary Player says he would like one hour with Tiger Woods to help his game. Apparently he figures it won’t take any longer than that to slap him and say “And that’s from Elin!”

The New York Yankees have reinstated Alex Rodriguez after his 162 game suspension for using PEDs. Apparently it’s part of the league’s new 12 strikes and you’re out policy.

The New York Yankees have reinstated Alex Rodriguez after his 162 game suspension for using PEDs. Apparently the Yankees think that their traditional pinstripes will be complemented by A-Rod’s matching pinhead.

23.5 Million people watched Game 7 of the World Series between the Giants and Royals. Apparently those were the people who just didn’t feel like watching the other TV sports offerings that night of football, basketball, hockey, soccer, tennis or golf.

Smartphones have stalled at controlling 70% of the cellphone market in the U.S. Which still begs the question as to why they are called “smartphones” when they put such a dumb look on the faces of the people who are glued to their screens all day.

Smartphones have stalled at controlling 70% of the cellphone market in the U.S. The other 30% will come around and get a smartphone just as soon as they can finally figure out how to get the VCR they still have hooked up to their analogue TV set to stop constantly flashing “12:00.”

The University of Pennsylvania is offering a class called “Wasting Time On The Internet.” It’s the one class where students actually spend all of their time out of class doing homework.

The University of Pennsylvania is offering a class called “Wasting Time On The Internet.” Apparently it is a course designed to help them cope with all the free time they will have once they graduate college.

The University of Pennsylvania is offering a class called “Wasting Time On The Internet.” Which is known to the parents of the students taking the class as “Wasting Our Money On A Worthless Education.”

Starbucks is planning a delivery service in select cities next year. The only problem will be finding drivers who are as arrogant and snobby when they make a delivery as the baristas are who will be making the drinks.

Starbucks is planning a delivery service in select cities next year. It will cater to people who don’t have a half hour every morning to waste standing behind someone in line who can’t decide if they want a mocha latte, Frappuccino or handcrafted soda.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg will hold a Q&A session on Facebook next week. The only problem is that he had so much fun with the one he did last week in China that he will only be answering everyone in Mandarin.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is Halloween, the scariest day of the year. Well, actually that would be next Tuesday when we send the same batch of idiots back to Washington, D.C. The really scary part is seeing all the people they let vote to cancel out your thoughtful decisions in the polling booth. It will just be nice to get rid of all those political ads that are filling up the airwaves. I just hope the FCC will make them at least be more honest. The only problem is that the Truth in Advertising committee is still working on the campaign ads from 1968. Hope you all have a great weekend, and I will see you again with more jokes on Monday. In the meantime, if you are still without a costume idea for Trick-Or-Treat you can always dress like Cupid which will make it easy to send the love!

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Google is developing a new computer that will program itself. Which means since it was designed by men, it will immediately be able to automatically search the Internet for all the best porn sites.

A candidate for Lt. Governor in Arkansas has admitted having a past job as a male stripper. Which is different than during the Clinton years when the candidates became male strippers after being elected governor.

A poll says that Americans trust the NSA more than Google. Mostly because Google is handing over all the personal information the NSA is too dumb to figure out how to get on their own.

FBI agents are being accused of posing as Internet repairmen at a Las Vegas hotel as part of an international gambling bust. Which shows how far government operatives have progressed since the days of Watergate, when they were only skilled enough to pretend to be plumbers.

FBI agents are being accused of posing as Internet repairmen at a Las Vegas hotel as part of an international gambling bust. Which would have been a lot more successful if they had done the raid at a place where gambling isn’t completely legal.

A study says that drinking three glasses of milk a day is linked to an earlier death. Especially when the milk is being used to wash down three Big Macs, a large fries and an entire box of Oreos.

Pope Francis I is warning of an increase in Satanism and the occult. Apparently no one has told him that people dressing up like the Devil often happens right around the time Halloween rolls around.

A report says the total world debt is approaching $100 Trillion. Which means we owe each other so much we might as well just agree to just start over and call it even.

A report says the total world debt is approaching $100 Trillion. Which is good news for the U.S. because it makes that $17 Trillion we borrowed from everyone else not look like all that much.

A Denver Broncos fan who disappeared during a game and was found five days later says he “had his fill of football” and went for a walk. Which would make it understandable if half the residents of Oakland just vanished every Sunday.

The Mayor of Boston says the city is preparing for climate change. Which means they are going to pretty much ban people from reading the Drudge Report and watching Fox News.

Comcast has settled a lawsuit which accused them of overcharging cable customers. Otherwise known as their business model.

Comcast has settled a lawsuit which accused them of overcharging cable customers. The company says they are just glad the lawsuit didn’t also accuse them of ignoring complaints, providing poor service and regularly lying about everything.

Comcast has settled a lawsuit which accused them of overcharging cable customers. To which all the nation’s banks are saying “You’re not supposed to do that?”

A Florida man has broken the record for the most expensive Starbucks drink, calling for 101 shots of espresso and costing $83.75. In other words, it was almost $3 more than a venti mocha latte.

A Florida man has broken the record for the most expensive Starbucks drink, calling for 101 shots of espresso and costing $83.75. That didn’t even include the tip or the extra fee for the defibrillator that had to be used three times before the customer was done.

Apple is reportedly in talks to make the iPhone available in Iran. The only snag is waiting for Siri to get all the way through the condensed version of the Rosetta Stone’s “Farsi for beginners.”

The number of billionaires around the world jumped to 1,645 since the financial crisis. No one had any idea there were that many princes in the Royal Family in Nigeria.

A study says that Millennials are not likely to be involved in politics other than online. Mostly because Millennials are not likely to be doing anything that isn’t somehow connected to the Internet.

WOW Air is making flights to Iceland from the U.S. for as little as $99. The only problem is that a lot of airports know the airline as “MOM” when it comes in for many of its landings while flying upside down.

A report says that Moody’s gives the government fiscal position a healthy rating. Not only that, they also cleared Larry King to run a Marathon and have given Amanda Bynes the OK to get right back behind the wheel again.

A report says that Moody’s gives the government fiscal position a healthy rating. Although it is interesting how being late on your power bill will keep you from getting a car loan but that $17 Trillion national debt really hasn’t raised any eyebrows yet.

A report says that health insurance companies are doing better than ever because of Obamacare. So the law is covering millions of Americans while bringing in profits. No wonder people don’t trust it. If the government is doing something right, there has to be a catch somewhere.

Ford is recalling 205,000 Crossover SUVs because of fuel tank leaks. Apparently the vehicle got its name because its owners are ready to crossover and buy a Toyota, Honda or Nissan instead.

The CEO of Blackberry is telling people to keep buying Blackberrys and not to be tempted by the latest whistles and bells of other cellphones. Although tech experts think it probably wasn’t a good idea to go old school and offer the latest Blackberry with a rotary dial.

Westminster, Massachusetts is considering a ban of all tobacco sales. They would be the first city in Massachusetts to try to outlaw smoking since Salem passed a law prohibiting residents to light up anyone accused of being a witch.

A study says that dairy products may not help save bones. In fact, it could hurt a person’s bones by making them carry around all that extra weight from eating all that cheese, ice cream and butter.

A study says that women often ignore signs they are having heart trouble. Mostly because they don’t have time when they are holding down a job while cooking, cleaning and providing around the clock care for their husband who has come down with a case of the sniffles.

The American Heart Association is recommending a healthy lifestyle in its stroke prevention guidelines. Mostly making sure people are lying down when they open up their latest monthly statement of their 4101(k).

The American Heart Association is recommending a healthy lifestyle in its stroke prevention guidelines. Apparently people can become upset to the point of suffering a stroke when their cigarette falls into their beer which splashes all over their triple cheeseburger.

A report says the U.S. health care system is not ready for Ebola. Although the good news is that hospitals across the country have their X-Ray machines on standby to check millions of children’s Halloween candy for tampering.

A report says the U.S. health care system is not ready for Ebola. Why would anyone expect hospitals to be geared up to help anyone who may actually be sick?

A report says the U.S. health care system is not ready for Ebola. At least not until the correct Ebola forms are printed in triplicate that can be sent to insurance companies for immediate reimbursement.

A report says that 12% of colleges and universities in the U.S. have tanning beds on campus. The other 88% figure their students will get tans the old fashioned way, by running around naked on a Florida beach while drunk during spring break.

A report says that 12% of colleges and universities in the U.S. have tanning beds on campus. The rest feel their students will feel burned enough after they graduate and get their first bill for payment of their student loan.

New crash test dummies are being modeled after passengers who weigh 270 pounds and are more like the average American. Not only that, but to increase the realism the crash tests are all taking place in the drive-thru lanes of fast food restaurants.

Bruce Jenner was recently spotted with a manicure that came with hot pink nail polish. The only confusion for people who have heard the rumor he is preparing for a sex change is from what and to what?

Jose Canseco reportedly shot off his finger accidentally in Las Vegas. Police report that no alcohol was involved. Which is unfortunate because now instead of being able to blame it on being drunk, he has to admit it happened because he is an idiot.

Honey Boo Boo’s family members are reportedly turning on each other as the sex abuse scandal worsens. Or as that is known in the reality TV business, the opening episode script for the new season.

“Real Housewives” star Teresa Giudice says she is “open” to letting the cameras film her before she starts her prison sentence. Mostly because being recorded during a personally embarrassing time is how she became famous as a reality TV star in the first place.

Taylor Swift says she is not naturally edgy, sexy or cool. Which may be why she can’t ever seem to keep a boyfriend more than two weeks at a time.

Taylor Swift says she is not naturally edgy, sexy or cool. Which most guys will agree it is not edgy, sexy or cool to make money from singing about how bad their relationship was.

Ashton Kutcher says he has stopped listening to Charlie Sheen. Hollywood insiders were shocked. Someone actually used to listen to Charlie Sheen?

Ashton Kutcher says he has stopped listening to Charlie Sheen. Hollywood insiders were shocked. Even Charlie Sheen has stopped listening to Charlie Sheen because it’s hard to figure out which of the voices in his head is actually his anymore.

A report says that the unfinished Orson Welles film “The Other Side Of The Wind” that was shot in the 1970s could be released in 2015. Not to say the movie doesn’t sound promising, but the 40 year delay was apparently an attempt to wait for all the original film reviewers to finally die.

Joe Maddon is expected to be named the new manager of the Cubs. Which is about as relevant as knowing who was set to take the helm for the second voyage of the Titanic.

Former NBA Commissioner David Stern says the league will avoid a work stoppage in 2017. Mostly because the season goes so long now it will be impossible to tell when the 2016 season ends and 2018 begins.

Scientists say they have found a 700 year old virus by going through caribou droppings. Although it would have been easier to accomplish the same thing by retrieving a handkerchief from Larry King.

Hackers reportedly broke into a White House network. No matter how hard the hackers tried, they couldn’t do any more damage to the Obama Administration than what was already done by the Obamacare website.

Movie theaters are banning wearable tech because of the fear of people recording movies. The one way theater management can be sure a person doesn’t have any wearable tech is if they are actually bringing a date with them.

Microsoft has laid off another 3,000 people. Which has caused the company to rewrite the old saying and tell the former employees that when a new version of Windows opens, half the company is kicked out the door.

Experts say that a major cyberattack will happen somewhere in the world in the next 11 years that could cause significant loss of life or property. In other words, subprime loans are going to be offered over the Internet.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is a very depressing day for true baseball fans around the world. For one thing the World Series over, marking the end of the warm sports season and bringing us into the boring NFL year. What is much, much worse is that the much hated Giants lucked their way into winning the ‘Series after finishing second to the mighty Dodgers during the regular season. Oh, well. I guess if you let enough teams into the playoffs things like this can happen. I guess the only option being a Raiders fan is to go into hibernation until Spring Training. The only way to bring me out of this funk is to make sure to try extra hard to remember all winter long to keep on sending the love!

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A breath test has been developed that can detect disease. Although it’s pretty obvious something is wrong when a smoker hasn’t had a cigarette in hours and is still billowing smoke out of their lungs.

A breath test has been developed that can detect disease. Apparently the patient is a prime candidate for heart disease if they blow positive for Big Mac.

The Tax Foundation says that Wyoming has the best tax climate in the nation. Mostly because it’s hard to attract businesses there because they have the worst weather climate in the nation.

Cuba is building its first new church in 55 years. Mostly because the people there found it is not as effective to get your prayers answered there by going to church as it is to take lessons on how to row, sail and swim.

A study says that men who have had sex with at least 20 women have a lower risk of prostate cancer. Mostly because there won’t be much left of their reproductive system once their wife finds out.

Google is working on a pill that can detect illness. It is mostly going to be used on people who are scared into thinking they are seriously ill after looking up their symptoms on Google.

Taco Bell has unveiled their new mobile ordering app. Which means that customers can now order their fourth meal right from the emergency room where they are being treated for their first, second and third meals.

A movement to live in tiny homes of less than 200 square feet is growing across the country. The only problem is for the majority of Americans who call a 200 square foot living space their pants.

A report says that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has been out of the public eye because of recent ankle surgery. Apparently he injured himself kicking his family members who can’t help but giggle every time they look at his haircut.

China has reportedly caught 2,500 students cheating with high tech methods on a pharmacist test. Apparently it isn’t easy to know exactly which illnesses require prescriptions for rhinoceros horn, ginseng or dried scorpion.

Four Civil War battlefields will get $2.2 Million for upkeep. With all the southern states talking about seceding again, the military wants to keep the sites in fighting shape for when the next war between the states breaks out.

The Navy will use a new survey in order to measure sailors’ body shapes. With Americans continuing to get larger in size, the new classifications will be similar to the naval vessels they resemble, going from dirigible to battleship to aircraft carrier.

Former Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega’s lawsuit against a video game company for using his image has been dropped. In a related story, Gene Shalit is preparing to sue Nintendo for using his image for the Mario Brothers all these years.

The AP and Seattle Times are upset the FBI created a fake news story to catch a bomb suspect back in 2007. The worst part is that it took the AP and Seattle Times seven years to realize a story they ran was made up.

The AP and Seattle Times are upset the FBI created a fake news story to catch a bomb suspect back in 2007. The only news source not complaining was Fox News who thought it was OK since most their stories are also made up.

Bjorn Ulvaeus from ABBA is pushing for a cash-free Sweden. Mostly because none of ABBA’s records have pulled in any cash since 1976.

A report says that USA Today, the Washington Post and the New York Times are the top three newspapers for circulation in the country. Apparently the study was based on picking out which newspapers were most frequently found in the recycling bin.

A report says that USA Today, the Washington Post and the New York Times are the top three newspapers for circulation in the country. Apparently the report was based on a study done by USA Today, the Washington Post and the New York Times.

Whirlpool is selling a “smart” washing machine for $1,700 that can be operated through the Internet. It’s being called a smart washing machine because it isn’t as dumb as the person who pays $1,700 for a washing machine.

Whirlpool is selling a “smart” washing machine for $1,700 that can be operated through the Internet. Authorities are concerned it could be used by hackers who steal cash through bank accounts online to use the machine for money laundering.

A poll shows that California voters support a ballot initiative that would all the insurance commissioner to deny health insurance premium rate hikes for people with individual plans. Which is great news for the three people who can actually afford their own health insurance anymore.

The government is accusing AT&T of misleading customers who signed up for unlimited wireless data on their cellphone plan. The only question is how is that different than the way they mislead people who signed up for cellphone, home phone or Internet service?

AutoNation has stopped selling cars that have recalled airbags. Apparently that means they will sell cars that have had all the other parts recalled which means they will still be stocking all GM vehicles.

A Lowe’s store in California is using robots to assist shoppers. The only problem is that when someone asks for the hardware section the robot keeps saying “You mean the snack shop?”

A Lowe’s store in California is using robots to assist shoppers. The only problem is that when someone asks for the hardware section the robot keeps saying “I’ve got some hardware right here.”

A study says that Millennials start saving for retirement at an early age. For Baby Boomers, saving for retirement early means starting in their 60s since they won’t even have a chance to call it quits until they are into their 90s.

A study says that head injuries after 65 may boost a person’s risk of getting dementia. Especially if the head injury results from falling down a flight of stairs they forgot was there.

A study says that giving children fake medicine can quiet their cough. Although most parents end up giving their children cough syrup not for their cough but to quiet all the other noise they make while they are awake.

A study says that text messages that remind people to take their medication could help fight the spread of malaria. It helps even more when people get texts reminding them not to go to Central and South America, Southern Asia and Africa.

A study says that morphine is not the best choice for pain relief for children with broken bones. Especially since kids will break even more bones after trying to walk around after taking a dose of morphine.

A study says that home blood pressure monitors could be off as much as 15% of the time. Which means if the machines constantly give high readings , a person could actually get high blood pressure from thinking how much it will cost for blood pressure medications.

A doctor in California performed heart surgery on the physician who delivered him 45 years before. Although the bad part about the story is the doctor performing the heart surgery was actually a podiatrist.

A doctor in California performed heart surgery on the physician who delivered him 45 years before. The worst part was when the patient awoke after the successful surgery, the heart doctor slapped him and said “So how’s it feel when someone does it to you?”

Julia Roberts says she risked her career by not having a facelift. Apparently by not getting the surgery she missed out on a chance to be cast in the leading role for “The Bruce Jenner Story.”

Julia Roberts says she risked her career by not having a facelift. Apparently she feels having a facelift would have made people think it really wasn’t her who starred in “The Pelican Brief.”

A London hotel is offering Harry Potter-themed rooms. For obvious reasons, the rooms are all set up for single occupancy.

Amanda Bynes has been ordered to spend the next month under psychiatric care. Apparently her analysts have figured out her problem. She is suffering delusions that she is really Lindsay Lohan.

Phil Collins has handed over his vast collection of artifacts from the Alamo over to the state of Texas. Apparently Collins is so into the historic site that he even turned over the used vehicle he purchased from Alamo Rent A Car.

Phil Collins has handed over his vast collection of artifacts from the Alamo over to the state of Texas. Apparently Collins is so into the historic site that he once actually tried to make a trade to get an authentic Bowie knife straight across for David Bowie.

David Gregory will join Katie Couric for an election special on Yahoo. The worst part is they will get more people commenting on the pictures of what they are eating during the special that they post over on Facebook.

Honey Boo Boo’s father Mike “Sugar Bear” Thompson says he wants custody of his kids but he is broke. It’s too bad he didn’t have a source of income over the past several years that would have given him some money he could have put in the bank, say from something like a reality TV show.

Jose Canseco reportedly shot himself in the hand at his home in Las Vegas. Which is different from how he usually opens his mouth and ends up shooting himself in the foot.

Jose Canseco reportedly shot himself in the hand at his home in Las Vegas. Canseco has been shooting himself for years, the only difference is that he is usually doing it with a hypodermic needle instead of a gun.

Researchers say that Gladiators in ancient Rome drank a type of sports drink while performing. Apparently it was called “Gladiatorade.”

Researchers say that Gladiators in ancient Rome drank a type of sports drink while performing. The only difference is that anyone who won a match and dumped a bucket of the drink on the Emperor ended up being scheduled next against the lions.

An ancient Greek wine cup was found that was decorated with the constellations. Apparently it was the earliest version of GPS ever found that would help someone navigate their way home after using it to get drunk.

A study says that reptiles that have sex earlier in their life and more often and feast on meat live a shorter life. Which is also true in the mammal world where such creatures are known as NBA players.

The Forest Service says that people are risking their lives to take selfies in national parks near bears. Which is different than celebrities who are risking their careers by getting hacked into their selfies where they are bare.

The last plasma TV manufacturer is calling it quits and will stop making them. Apparently they were called plasma screens because people were so addicted to the new technology when they came out they were selling their blood to get enough money to buy one.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just another day full of hilarity and buffoonery. I am talking about all the political commercials that have been playing non-stop on TV the past few weeks. The election is coming up in just a few days, after which our elected officials will thank the voters and disappear until it’s time to start fundraising for the next election in 2016. Hopefully these jokes will be a bit of a distraction from the other jokes that we keep sending back to Washington, D.C. In the meantime, you can always divert your attention to something that gets much better results, which is remembering to send the love!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The CDC has forced New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to release the nurse quarantined for Ebola. The only problem is now she has to be quarantined for being in New Jersey.

Donald Trump says the CDC should be “ashamed” for opposing strict quarantines for Ebola. The CDC says that is a harsh comment coming from someone who isn’t ashamed to go outside with that haircut.

An analysis says that Obamacare has largely succeeded in delivering its promises. Mostly the promise that Republicans would use it as their main issue to try to take back control of Congress and the White House.

A new device allows people to control their cellphone with their shoes. Although when they use their phones in a theater or restaurant other people have found a better way to control them with their shoes by stomping on them a few times.

A right to life amendment in North Dakota says that life begins at conception. Although most people there will say that life really begins when you are able to get out of North Dakota.

A high school in Arizona is defending its nickname of the Redskins. Mostly because it isn’t referring to Native Americans as much as it is the white people in Arizona who go outside for five minutes without sunscreen and get a second degree sunburn.

A study says that chocolate can reverse memory loss in the elderly. Although fortunately for men it still has the power to make women forget all the dumb things that men do when they give them a box of Godiva.

Pope Francis I says that the Big Bang doesn’t contradict intervention by a Divine Creator. Although he does admit he wishes God would get more involved and get Leonard to propose to Penny.

Silicon Valley has turned its attention to find the cure for aging. Besides the tech industry policy of firing any employees once they reach 50.

A report says that robots will make up the battlefields of the future. Although it will be a little tough getting used to seeing wounded soldiers now awarded the Purple Motherboard.

A report says that robots will make up the battlefields of the future. The biggest change is that all the problems experienced with soldiers at the VA hospitals will now become a backlog in the repair department at Best Buy.

A Connecticut man was arrested for molesting a neighbor’s pit bull. If nothing else it gives a whole new definition to having unsafe sex.

The National Science Foundation is tracking misinformation that is spread over Twitter. Apparently they have come up with a term for anything that contains inaccurate or misleading on Twitter. They call them “tweets.”

Hacking tops the list of crimes that Americans worry about the most. The biggest fears used to be car theft and house robberies but those are no longer a big deal since 2007 when most Americans had their vehicles repossessed and their homes foreclosed.

LeBron James’ $21 Million salary will bring a reported impact of $215 Million to Cleveland. That is, at least if James spends his money as fast as NBA players like Allen Iverson and Antoine Walker.

China says it is considering dropping the death penalty for several crimes. So far some of the more serious offenses taken off the list of capital crimes and changed to long prison sentences include both jaywalking and double parking.

Passengers were held on a plane at LAX for several hours after someone noticed a Wi-Fi hotspot on their phone called the “Al Queda Free Terror Network.” If the person who named the site really wanted to scare airport passengers, they would have named it after a group that invokes even more fear in flyers, like the TSA.

Passengers were held on a plane at LAX for several hours after someone noticed a Wi-Fi hotspot on their phone called the “Al Queda Free Terror Network.” Although the real reason the airline was concerned was they were afraid if it were really a free network they would lose the $20 fee they charge passengers for a Wi-Fi connection.

Toyota has topped Consumer Reports reliability rankings. Apparently they finished in first place because people most often tend to call their friends with Toyotas to give them a ride to the dealer to pick up their GM, Ford and Chryslers that are in the shop for the latest recalls.

The Secretary of State in Louisiana is predicting a 50% voter turnout on election day. Political experts are skeptical. They have doubts that there is that high a percentage of people in the state who are 18 or older, not a convicted felon and can sign their name.

A Civil War soldier will be awarded the Medal of Honor for heroism. Apparently the administration had to go back that far to find a war we have been involved in that is actually over.

A Civil War soldier will be awarded the Medal of Honor for heroism. The medal was taken so long to be presented to the soldier because it was just last month that they finally got their paperwork to be released from the VA hospital.

A survey says that most millionaires are concerned about income inequality in the U.S. Mostly because they think there is just too much of a gap between where they are and how much it will take for them to become billionaires.

Gasoline prices are the cheapest they have been in four years. Which would be good news if the gas prices four years ago weren’t so high that everyone had to sell their cars and start riding the bus.

Gasoline prices are the cheapest they have been in four years. Apparently oil company executives want to be generous and help bring back political stability in the world as a way of saying thanks for all the wars we started over oil that paid for all their vacation homes where they will be staying the rest of the year.

A report says that bicycle deaths have increased 16% in the past two years, with California having the most fatalities. Which is mostly the cyclists’ fault for trying to ride on bike paths during rush hour and get in the way of SUV drivers who find them the best way to get around all the other traffic.

Consumer Reports says that infotainment systems are the most troublesome features in 2014 vehicles. Aside from the drivers who cause all the accidents because they are distracted by their vehicles infotainment systems.

GM workers will reportedly get smaller bonuses this year. Actually, they will get their same bonus as last year but a portion of it will just be recalled.

A report says that environmental groups will spend $85 Million on the 2014 elections. Apparently they found out if you want to get results from politicians, there is only one real way to go green.

Detroit has made its final arguments to exit bankruptcy. Apparently it is their final argument because they even ran out of money for their legal department.

Detroit has made its final arguments to exit bankruptcy. Their tactic is to show that they are so far in debt that staying in bankruptcy will give the false impression that they will ever be able to actually pay their way out.

CBS is preparing to launch a 24 hour digital news network. Which is pretty ambitious for a network whose average viewer still has a VCR hooked up to their TV that perpetually flashes “12:00.”

A report says that fewer than half the people who have wearable tech use it every day. Mostly because they revert back to wearing sunglasses to hide the black eye they got from women who thought they were taking pictures of them with their Google Glass.

A survey says that few U.S. hospitals are ready to handle Ebola. Mostly because only a few hospitals can even handle minor accidents, the flu and outpatient surgery.

A survey says that few U.S. hospitals are ready to handle Ebola. That should be taken care of as soon as they figure out exactly which forms need to be filled out to get prompt payment from the insurance companies of any victims.

31,000 pounds of chicken products have been recalled in Pennsylvania. Nutrition experts were shocked. No one even knew that GM had gotten into the poultry business.

A food scores database app ranks 80,000 grocery items by their ingredients and nutrition. The worst part is that most of the items in the frozen food section finished behind half of the selections in the hair care aisle.

Hospitals are reportedly furious with recent price hikes by pharmaceutical companies for cancer drugs. With patients having to pay so much money for their medications, there is hardly enough to cover the hospitals’ 500% profit margin.

A study says that gut microbes are being linked to the risk of heart failure. Especially when the microbes in a person’s gut are mostly those from Big Macs, Whoppers and Cheese Gorditas.

Ten brands of baby wipes have been recalled because they are possibly contaminated with bacteria. Although anyone who has ever used baby wipes knows that even the Ebola virus is no match for one change of a dirty baby diaper.

Gene Simmons from KISS says that women should assume there will be no men in their life to depend on. Which sounds spot on from a man who is in his 60s and is still wearing stage makeup to play to audiences of teenage boys.

“Honey Boo Boo” star “Mama June” Shannon reportedly cold lose custody of her children after dating a convicted child molester. The only question for anyone who has ever watched “Honey Boo Boo” is why she even had custody of those kids in the first place?

The International Surfing Association president is pushing to get surfing as an Olympic event. The only problem is getting the IOC to agree to giving the next Olympics to Newport Beach, Malibu or Santa Barbara.

The International Surfing Association president is pushing to get surfing as an Olympic event. The only problem will be getting the other Olympic athletes in the Village to get used to the smell of beer, pizza and burning incense.

Former Clemson football coach Tommy Bowden says that Condoleezza Rice should not be on the CFP Committee because she has never played football. She has never served as a soldier, either but that didn’t stop her from helping get us into Iraq and Afghanistan.

The GM of the Chicago Bears says they are not ready to give up on their season. To which the Raiders are saying not only have they given up on this season, they are pretty much already done with 2015, 2016 and 2017.

Charles Barkley says the NBA commissioner needs to institute a domestic violence policy immediately. Apparently Barkley thinks family members should be protected, and that NBA players should only be allowed to throw perfect strangers through plate glass windows when they are out drinking at a bar.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad day for music yesterday with the news of the passing of the great bassist and singer Jack Bruce at age 71. Bruce played with the supergroup Cream and was also with West, Bruce and Laing. It was always reported that Bruce and the other members of Cream, Eric Clapton and Ginger Baker couldn’t stand each other and only could stand each other long enough to work through their performances. Sort of like most marriages. Another great one from the ‘60s gone. Which means today you are excused from sending the love here as long as you take some time to remember the great Jack Bruce!

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Pope Francis I says corruption is like “bad breath.” Which means the way to avoid jail time for bribes, graft and embezzlement isn’t a good legal team but a generous supply of Tic-Tacs.

Charles Barkley says that “unintelligent blacks” are being “brainwashed” to keep successful blacks down. Which means that he has become his own worst enemy.

A headband app that costs $300 is reportedly able to calm down the user. Until their spouse finds out they spent $300 for a headband app.

A study says that giant walls across the central U.S. would not stop tornadoes. Although it turns out the real reason they were proposed was by west coast residents who want to keep the people of Kansas, Oklahoma and Texas from moving any further out west.

A study says that giant walls across the central U.S. would not stop tornadoes. It’s already been shown that even proposing a wall can promote whirlwinds, like the firestorm from even talking about a wall across the Mexican border.

The number of unemployed people in France is up to a record 3.43 Million. People are becoming discouraged when unable to find a job no matter how arrogant and rude of a personality they have been able to develop.

Cream bassist and singer Jack Bruce has died at age 71. Funeral arrangements are pending but word is he will be Cream-ated.

A nurse who was quarantined for Ebola at Newark Liberty Airport has criticized her treatment. Mostly for the fact that she was being held with no way to get out of Newark.

An Israeli minister says there is a crisis in the country’s relationship with the U.S. To which the countries in Europe, Asia, South America and Africa are saying “You too?”

Illinois has joined New York and New Jersey in quarantining anyone who has had contact with an Ebola patient. Or has had contract with anyone in New York or New Jersey.

The FCC has delayed auctioning of TV airwaves for mobile use. Apparently they are trying to decide which is worse, having people glued to the couch watching TV or making it even harder to get their faces from being attached to their cellphones.

A report says that one third of wearable tech users have discarded their devices with disappointment. Mostly because showing up with wearable tech resulted in most of them ending up with a wearable wedgie.

A report says that one third of wearable tech users have discarded their devices with disappointment. Although anyone who has to work or live with them has watched them discard their devices with happiness and relief.

Investor Carl Icahn is asking Atlantic City casino workers to give up their health care. Mostly because anyone in the gambling industry knows that trying to get health insurance companies to cover anything is a losing bet.

Investor Carl Icahn is asking Atlantic City casino workers to give up their health care. If that works, all he has to do is get them to give up their 401(k) plans, their vacation and sick pay and salaries and he will consider putting them back on the job.

Los Angeles is considering passing a $13.25 an hour minimum wage. It will help people who are working in the L.A. area afford the gas to drive back and forth from the nearest place they will afford to live while making $13.25 an hour, somewhere in rural Nevada.

A ride sharing service called Shuddle will provide transportation for kids. The only problem is trying to get three or four kids to hang on at the same time on the back of a Big Wheel.

A New York hospital’s staff has decided to take a sick day rather than treat an Ebola patient. Mostly because they are worried that if they have to work with people who have Ebola they will have to call in dead.

A report says that nearly one in three babies born in the U.S. are delivered by Cesarean section. The other two thirds are delivered the old fashioned way, in a high school restroom on prom night.

Researchers say a heart transplant breakthrough will allow doctors to use hearts that have stopped beating. Which now gives them something to do with all the old hearts that Dick Cheney has gone through.

Health officials in New York say that people don’t have to fear Ebola in the wake of a doctor becoming infected. Especially anyone who regularly rides the subway who now have immune systems that have already been exposed to any number of germs that make Ebola look like the common cold.

A study links the cold sore virus to Alzheimer’s Disease. Mostly from any men who suddenly get complete amnesia when they find out they just gave their partner herpes.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has joined New York in announcing a plan to quarantine anyone who has been in contact with Ebola patients. Or anyone who may have caught it by stepping on medical waste by going into the water along the Jersey Shore.

Heidi Montag says she has “empathy” for Renee Zellweger after speculation that Zellweger has had some plastic surgery. People were impressed. They had no idea that Montag knew the meaning of the word “empathy.”

Heidi Montag says she has “empathy” for Renee Zellweger after speculation that Zellweger has had some plastic surgery, saying you have to have thick skin. Not for the critics, but because having thick skin helps in supporting DD size breast implants.

DJ Deadmau5 ripped Paris Hilton for her lack of spinning skills. But then having no recognizable skills has never stopped Hilton from doing anything else from acting to designing and marketing clothes.

Jep Robertson from “Duck Dynasty” was rushed to the hospital after suffering a seizure. The family was just hoping to make sure that the medical staff taking care of him didn’t have any quacks.

Kobe Bryant says about Steve Nash missing next season with an injury, “You can control only what you can control.” Other than that, everything else has to be taken care of with buying a lot of jewelry.

UNC basketball coach Roy Williams says he was “dumbfounded” after hearing about the school’s fake classes for athletes. As opposed to the athletes who were put into the classes because they were found to be dumb.

UNC basketball coach Roy Williams says he was “dumbfounded” after hearing about the school’s fake classes for athletes. He was further shocked by also finding out there is no Santa Claus, tooth fairy or Easter Bunny.

A report says the West Point football team recruited high school athletes with alcohol and cheerleaders. Mostly because they couldn’t get them to sign up based on the football team’s record of success.

A report says the West Point football team recruited high school athletes with alcohol and cheerleaders. Mostly because getting them drunk and surrounded by women was the only way they would sign on to a five year hitch in the Army after graduation.

A report says the West Point football team recruited high school athletes with alcohol and cheerleaders. But only because the budget didn’t give them enough money to include cars and large amounts of cash.

The Kansas City Royals claim that the San Francisco Giants watered down their infield to slow them down on the basepaths. As opposed to most other teams which only water down their beer, sodas and any condiments they sell at ballpark concession stands.

Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah says the shortage of skilled workers has reached a “crisis.” Which is still not as bad as the shortage of any skills that are ever exhibited inside the walls of the Senate Building.

Google executive Alan Eustace made a skydive jump from the stratosphere breaking the old world’s record. Eustace fell 25 miles in 15 minutes, reaching speeds faster than the sound barrier. No tech executive has fallen that fast since HP fired CEO Carly Fiorina.

Scientists say that the physical makeup of comets would make them smell like a combination of rotten eggs, horse urine and vinegar. Which still makes the idea of visiting one someday more appealing than sitting down to a meal of Haggis.

Scientists say that the physical makeup of comets would make them smell like a combination of rotten eggs, horse urine and vinegar. Which means any team of astronauts put together to visit one of the meteoroids could be desensitized by spending a few days first in a college fraternity bathroom during pledge week.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk says that Artificial Intelligence is like “summoning the demon.” In fact , he has already contacted Apple to try to arrange an exorcism for Siri.

The oldest high altitude settlement in the world has been discovered in the Andes. Although there still needs to be more work done to see if it is quite as old as Larry King’s New York penthouse.

A newly discovered species of tarantula has been named after John Lennon. Although shouldn’t any credible entomologist know that when naming anything after the Fab Four members they should stick to species of beetles?

The U.S. has been ranked eighth in the world for average Internet speed, finishing behind among others South Korea, Japan and Hong Kong. No wonder all our jobs are going to Asian countries. It’s easy to attract workers and even have them put in more hours as long as they can download more porn sites in their free time.

Stephen Hawking sent out his first Facebook message which says “Be curious.” The sad part is that he joined in 2005 but it has taken him nine years just to finish signing up and type his message.

Stephen Hawking sent out his first Facebook message which says “Be curious.” Although most of his Facebook friends were disappointed when he sent a picture of the Milky Way, thinking it would be a picture of a candy bar he was going to eat.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As the baseball season nears the end, I have been given renewed life in being able to root against the much hated Giants. If the Royals win the ‘Series, that will at least be something to get me through the winter months waiting for the return of Spring Training. In the meantime, you can also help by always remembering to send the love!

Friday, October 24, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Ridesharing service Uber is testing on demand flu shots in three major cities. The only bad part is when it’s delivered by a cab driver who just tested positive for Ebola.

Ridesharing service Uber is testing on demand flu shots in three major cities. If it works out, customers could eventually get a ride to the airport while having minor surgical procedures performed in the back seat on the way.

Ray Rice is accusing the Baltimore Ravens of wrongful termination. Apparently he is claiming that all he was guilty of when he knocked out his fiancee was just having the habit of bringing his work home with him.

A survey says that Americans fail even basic questions about Obamacare. Especially the ones who watch Fox News and are still waiting for the program’s resulting death panels, collapse of the economy and end of capitalism as we know it.

The UK is starting a program that will pay overweight people to lose pounds. The easiest way would be to just give them all vouchers to eat at restaurants that only serve British, Irish or Scottish food.

An Alabama man received $1,000 in a settlement with police while his lawyers collected fees of $459,000. Mostly because he was unable to understand that there were any numbers that were actually higher than a thousand.

A UNC report says that athletes were attending fake classes at the school for 18 years. Which even with non-existent classes is about the amount of time it still took the student athletes to actually graduate.

The Canadian Parliament was back at work a day after a gun attack inside the building. Meanwhile, in the U.S. Congress is expected back to work any day after their August vacation, September fundraising and October campaigning for the November elections.

North Korea is closing its borders to tourists over the fear of Ebola. Which could affect as many as three people who actually want to go into North Korea.

North Korea is closing its borders to tourists over the fear of Ebola. Although most tourists when given the choice say they would rather catch Ebola than actually take a trip to North Korea.

Microsoft founder Paul Allen is donating $100 Million to fight Ebola. Apparently after being involved with Microsoft since the beginning, he wants to go into the books for finally being able to stop the spread of at least one virus.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg conducted a question and answer session with students in China while speaking Mandarin. Apparently he has been learning the language over the years just to impress friends by being able to order Chinese takeout over the phone.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg conducted a question and answer session with students in China while speaking Mandarin. Although some people thought he should get his money back from Rosetta Stone when he answered a question about the future of Facebook by saying “Walnut tree grapefruit lawnmowers are running snowstorm.”

Detroit has been registering voters in jail, at homeless shelters and mental health facilities. Which is only right since that’s where they also found most of their candidates.

Detroit has been registering voters in jail, at homeless shelters and mental health facilities. Mostly because those are the only people who aren’t trying to find a way out of Detroit before the election.

A study says that 40% of Americans have suffered online harassment. The other 60% have figured out a way to filter out all the spam from their e-mail inbox.

An Alabama man who threatened President Obama says the Secret Service just wants him locked up. Which someone should explain to him is what usually happens when you threaten the President.

An Alabama man who threatened President Obama says the Secret Service just wants him locked up. Apparently he hasn’t figured out the way to avoid the Secret Service is to hide where they can’t find you, usually on the front lawn of the White House.

A Nebraska high school is allowing guns to be used in senior portraits. Remember when kids were just afraid of getting a wedgie or Wet Willie before photos on picture day?

A Nebraska high school is allowing guns to be used in senior portraits. Although they may think twice about that when the student who was voted “Most likely to commit a mass murder” shows up in fatigues with an assault rifle and grenade launcher.

The founder of Sex.com is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to run for election to the Santa Clara County, California Water Board. Apparently he wants to make sure all strip clubs in the area have plenty of available water for every Tuesday wet T-shirt night.

GM doubled its profit in the third quarter. Mostly because they got to count all their sales twice after recalling them all in the second quarter.

U.S. Labor Secretary Tom Perez says “We suck on the minimum wage.” Apparently he was referring to the fact that for most people the minimum wage has become their maximum wage.

A group of primary care doctors is launching a $20 Million campaign aimed at promoting the importance of primary care. Which could have been done just as easily by giving $20 Million to uninsured people so they could actually go to a primary care doctor.

Former Celtic Antoine Walker who burned through his fortune says he wishes he would have gotten an MBA. If only he had known that UNC had a fake MBA program for athletes like him he could have invested his own money and gone broke twice as fast.

Former Celtic Antoine Walker who burned through his fortune says he wishes he would have gotten an MBA. That way he could have become a financial advisor and gotten his money back by ripping off all the other unsuspecting wealthy athletes.

JetBlue reported record third quarter profits. The only problem is that they were from flights scheduled in the first quarter that finally got off the tarmac.

American and United Airlines both beat quarterly profit estimates. Mostly no analysts who have ever flown either airline would ever predict they could pull a profit in the first place.

The maximum yearly amount people can put into their 401(k) plans will go up to $18,000 in 2015. Which is good news for the few people who can actually find a job that pays more than $18,000 a year.

Southwest Airlines reported a record profit in the third quarter. They credit their success to running an efficient operation, offering no frills and cramming five flights worth of passengers on every jet.

A study says that Americans average working one free week a year by giving up vacation time. Mostly working parents who would rather work for free than face traveling somewhere with the family for an entire week.

A study says that stretching doesn’t help runners prevent injuries. As most Americans found out, the only way to really prevent injuries from running is by not running.

A study says that drinking alcohol after age 60 can boost a person’s memory. The only problem is that after they drink enough it makes them think they were as tough as they remember they were back in their 20s.

Health care workers in Texas are using Tabasco sauce to help them train in treating Ebola patients. Apparently if they make some of the patients pour a bottle of Tabasco sauce over some Taco Bell burritos, the symptoms are pretty similar to if they had caught Ebola.

A study says that a process can tell if the person that hair has been found from is dead. For one thing, Donald Trump is known to be alive since no one would ever be caught dead with his haircut.

A study says that people who are self aware have an 83% greater chance of having a healthy heart. Mostly because they are aware that having to go to the cardiologist will give them an 83% higher chance of going broke paying their medical bills.

Experts say that the airborne spread of Ebola is highly unlikely. Which explains why Texas Governor Rick Perry wants travel bans in his state from western Africa because he thinks airborne spread of the the disease means catching it in an airplane restroom.

A study says that teens whose parents exert psychological control over them have trouble forming relationships as adolescents and adults. The only question is, what parent has ever been able to exert psychological control over a teenager?

Character actor Frank Sivero is suing “The Simpsons” for $250 Million for stealing his mobster persona for a character on the show. In a related story, Sivero is being sued by every mobster in New Jersey for using their persona for his stereotypical hit man.

Character actor Frank Sivero is suing “The Simpsons” for $250 Million for stealing his mobster persona for a character on the show. In an unrelated story, Donald Trump is suing “The Simpsons” for their obvious use of his image and personality in coming up with the character of Mr. Burns.

A New York City block has been named George Carlin Way. In honor of the late comedian, people are encouraged on that one block to get high, drive the wrong way and yell obscenities while flipping off all the other drivers and pedestrians.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from “Jersey Shore” has a trial date set for December for his tax fraud case. Apparently the tax fraud case stems from Sorrentino putting down on a federal tax form that his occupation was “actor.”

James Corden is scheduled to take over CBS’ “Late Late Show” in March of 2015. That gives CBS five months to try to find a reason for viewers to actually tune in to watch James Corden on the “Late Late Show.”

James Corden is scheduled to take over CBS’ “Late Late Show” in March of 2015. Although by the time he takes over from Craig Ferguson it will more than likely be remembered as the late “Late Show.”

A Pennsylvania high school has canceled its football season after reports that students were performing waterboarding on their teammates. And people thought stealing coaching signals was getting out of hand.

A Pennsylvania high school has canceled its football season after reports that students were performing waterboarding on their teammates. Who had any idea that Dick Cheney would end up as a high school football coach after leaving the White House?

The NFL drug policy allows enough THC in the system so that players can smoke one joint of marijuana a week. Which explains why there are so many concussions in the league, because they can’t tell if a player has had his bell rung or has just inhaled his weekly allotment.

DNA shows that Neanderthals had sex with humans as far back as 50,000 years. And as recently as whatever year Sylvester Stallone was born.

A company is designing crash dummies that weigh 273 pounds to be more like the average American. Apparently they want to simulate accidents that happen on the morning commute before people eat enough meals to get up to their real daily weight.

A company is designing crash dummies that weigh 273 pounds to be more like the average American. Remember when 273 pounds of a weight used to mean that people were carpooling?

A company is designing crash dummies that weigh 273 pounds to be more like the average American. The good news is that if the person in front of you weighs nearly 300 pounds, it doesn’t matter if the airbags aren’t working right.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Glad to be back at home and on a regular schedule. If getting up early in the morning to work out and write jokes then going to work in the afternoon and evening is a regular schedule. At least I am back just in time for the weekend so I can relax and think about what made me even want to travel again. All I know is that I get a couple of days to unwind, and that should give you all plenty of time to make sure to remember to send the love!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A company says it will soon offer driverless buses in the UK. In the meantime, anyone who wants to feel the sensation of being on a bus that has no one behind the wheel can always book a trip on Greyhound.

Denmark’s central bank says it will stop printing money because so many people are instead paying for things with smartphones and credit cards. On the other hand, the U.S. Treasury is printing limited denominations at full speed now that the stock market is up so high and Wall Street executives are back to lighting their cigars with $50 and  $100 bills.

Denmark’s central bank says it will stop printing money because so many people are instead paying for things with smartphones and credit cards. The U.S. Treasury is still printing bills at full speed because it could take years to run off enough money to cover the $17 Trillion and growing debt Congress has piled up.

Donald Trump is telling Mitt Romney not to fun for President again. To which Romney says it’s a deal if Trump takes all the signs with his name off every building he owns.

Donald Trump is telling Mitt Romney not to fun for President again. If Trump thinks that will help his own run for the presidency, that is like the heads of the high school AV and chess club thinking if they can keep the football team’s captain away from the prom, they might have a shot at going with one of the cheerleaders.

Customers are complaining that Apple Pay is charging them twice on some items. Apparently someone at Apple thought the Apple Tax should apply to everything.

The tech industry is shifting to areas of Los Angeles which is being called “Silicon Beach.” Although anyone who has ever been to a California beach and seen the overly stuffed bikini tops knows that Venice and Malibu beat them to that title years ago.

The oldest DNA ever found have shed light on humans’ global trek. Or they could have just looked at Larry King’s career resume.

Bogus World Series tickets were confiscated in Kansas City. Authorities knew they were counterfeit when they saw the tickets were for the Cubs vs. the Astros.

Bogus World Series tickets and merchandise including Royals panties were confiscated in Kansas City. The only question is what exactly constitutes an official pair of Royals panties?

Bogus World Series tickets and merchandise including Royals panties were confiscated in Kansas City. There hasn’t been an official line of MLB panties since Manny Ramirez was busted for injecting female hormones.

A UK man who had faked being in a coma was caught walking around on a supermarket security camera. It was also proven he wasn’t in a coma as he was the only one in the store who had his coupons ready and check filled out while still in line.

Power company officials in Puerto Rico face charges over taking bribes. Locals were shocked. When did Puerto Rico get electric power?

A city in Oregon has been forced to use a van as a traveling library as a blueprint mixup has shut down their $1.2 Million library building. The only problem was finding a van big enough with Wi-Fi access and computers to accommodate 15 homeless people trying to look at online porn at the same time.

Former Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee has died at age 93. The worst part is that the Post was scooped on his obituary by USA Today.

A study says that online bullying, sexual harassment and physical threats are common. And that’s just when you are a researcher trying to ask people questions about their online experiences.

A study says that online bullying, sexual harassment and physical threats are common. Which is the great thing about Facebook in that it can keep the high school experience going for students years after graduation.

An Apple 1 computer built by Steve Wozniak in 1976 has sold for $905,000. It kept its value because people will pay almost anything for a computer that doesn’t run on Windows.

A company in Los Angeles has started using a van to provide mobile head shots. The only faster way to get a head shot from a passing van in L.A. is to wear the wrong colors in another gang’s territory.

UNC has admitted that fake classes for athletes are widespread. The good news is that academic students who want to take fake classes can always enroll at UNLV.

The FTC is offering advice to consumers to tell if they are being overcharged on their phone bill. First, look to see if the bill comes from AT&T. If it does, you are.

A California company has been fined $25 Million in a “get paid to work at home” scheme. There is a word for people who have been scammed by similar fake promises for generations. They are called “housewives.”

Camel maker Reynolds has adopted a no-smoking policy at work. Just like legalized marijuana shops in Colorado find their employees taking up a no-working policy at smoke.

Camel maker Reynolds has adopted a no-smoking policy at work. Apparently the company was finding it too expensive to meet the group insurance company’s demands of putting a defibrillator at ever cubicle.

A survey says Americans distrust the medical profession more than people from other countries. Especially the ones who sneak across the border just so they can actually get in to see a doctor here.

A study has ranked the U.S. last in the world for affordability and access to health care. Which we wouldn’t need so much if it weren’t that we were first in the world for affordability and access to fast food.

The government is warning that the dangerous chemical BPA is said to lurk in cash registers. Which is good news for most Americans who no longer have enough cash lying around to actually buy something to get change back from a cash register.

A study says that people feel less guilty about making a bad diet choice if someone else initiates it. Which means that Ronald McDonald, the Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie are not so much as commercial icons as they are enablers.

A study says the American diet still contains too many bad fats. Although many people have given up fats to make more room in their diet for sugar, salt and preservatives.

A study says that some weight loss surgery can result in an increased risk of headaches. Which is ironic for men whose wives used to fake getting headaches all the time because they didn’t want to have sex with their husbands because they were too fat.

A study says that overweight women make smaller paychecks. Especially in modeling where six figure paychecks are non-existent for anyone who has a higher than double digit weight.

An Ebola virus plush toy for kids is selling off the shelves. Ironically, the Ebola virus is actually less deadly than the materials used in making the toys.

An Ebola virus plush toy for kids is selling off the shelves. Which comes at a bad time for the makers of the Malaria and Bubonic Plague toys who are seeing their sales drop off just before the highly anticipated disease toy Christmas rush.

A passenger who arrived at Newark Liberty Airport is being monitored for Ebola. Apparently the passenger is exhibiting signs of the disease but could also just be suffering from the effects of being in Newark.

A study says that many colleges are failing to address concussions. And that’s just concerning fraternity pledges who fall off their bar stools during rush week.

Peyton Manning was mic’d up for his record breaking touchdown pass against the
San Francisco 49‘ers. Apparently it was to make sure he could say “Omaha” and “Papa John’s” enough times on live TV to satisfy all his endorsement contracts.

A family in England found the world’s deadliest spider inside a bunch of bananas they bought at the store. Fortunately the risk won’t spread overseas as no American family has actually bought any fruit at the store since 1987.

A Florida judge says that tickets sent out from red light cameras are illegal. Mostly because Florida makes all the money it needs to run the state from tickets for people who permanently leave their left blinker on.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! There are a few jokes less than usual today like yesterday because of my travel back from Salt Lake City for a conference. I had a good time and it was great to have lunch with my boyhood buddy from California Dave Hawley who lives in SLC now, and to hang out with New Mexico weather legend Joe Diaz who is one cool hombre. Thanks also to Kathleen, another Californian who sat next to me on the flight to Atlanta and kept my airplane anxiety from prompting an emergency landing, and to Catherine Bostic who looked after my daughter Summer and crazy beast Tommy while I was gone and to Carol Melton who picked me up at the airport and helped me root against the much hated Giants. Good to be back, now all the rest of you need to do to get my unending gratitude is as always make sure to remember to send the love!