Sunday, December 21, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Army is reportedly developing a wing flapping robotic fly. Apparently our latest military strategy is to annoy the enemy into surrendering.

A new digital “nose” will be able to be used in a breathalyzer that can detect diseases in people. So far the only illness the test can confirm is a massive hangover.

The Department of Justice has ruled that cross dressing is protected by federal law. Who knew that all those years ago J. Edgar Hoover was actually leading the way for civil rights?

The Department of Justice has ruled that cross dressing is protected by federal law. The sad part is that it means when people look for an example of a freedom fighter they have RuPaul.

An inquiry says that half the evidence in cases investigated by the FBI is mishandled. Which is to be expected because that is the half of evidence that is needed to be manufactured in order to actually get a conviction.

Scientists say they have located the brain’s homing signal that can explain why some people are better at navigating. Which is mostly because they aren’t men who will never give in to asking someone else for directions.

A study says that birds were able to predict a storm 24 hours in advance. Apparently it’s the same instinct that tells them when it’s time to fly south for the winter. When they see all the elderly New Yorkers packing their bags for Miami in November.

Sony Pictures CEO Michael Lynton fired back after President Obama says the company “made a mistake” pulling the movie “The Interview.” The studio was afraid if they released the movie, filmgoers could have been injured. Mostly in the riots that broke out when they demanded their money back from the theaters.

A report says there are more fatal heart attacks on Christmas than any other day. Mostly when people realize how much they spent on everyone else’s presents.

A report says there are more fatal heart attacks on Christmas than any other day. Although more Christmas-related deaths are caused by shootings, stabbings and beatings during the sales rush on Black Friday.

A study says that half of the medical advice given out by Dr. Oz is baseless or wrong. Which is OK just as long as he remembers to register as an HMO.

A study says that half of the medical advice given out by Dr. Oz is baseless or wrong. Apparently medical experts became suspicious when every time he prescribes a cure he says “Bam!”

A study says that half of the medical advice given out by Dr. Oz is baseless or wrong. Which is still better than the other half which will just outright kill you.

A report says debt collectors are harassing millions of retired Americans. The elderly victims don’t report them to authorities because their tactics are a lot less aggressive and threatening than when they are pestered for money by their grandchildren.

The value of all homes in the U.S. increased $1.7 Trillion to $27.5 Trillion in 2014. Which is more good news for the banks that still own them after all the buyers went into foreclosure some time back in 2008.

North Korea has warned of “serious consequences” if the U.S. rejects a joint investigation over the Sony hacking. In other words they will take away Dennis Rodman’s visa and make him stay on American soil forever.

President Obama says that Sony “made a mistake” in pulling the movie “The Interview” over threats from North Korea. Apparently Sony didn’t want to take the repercussions for showing the film to moviegoers so soon after the CIA was so universally condemned for also inflicting torture.

A poll says the stereotype of men being last minute Christmas shoppers is a myth. Since when have men ever done any Christmas shopping?

The U.S. is seeking an $18 Billion fine against BP for water pollution in the Gulf of Mexico. To which the company is saying the water in the Gulf is still a lot cleaner than what’s onshore in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama.

The U.S. is seeking an $18 Billion fine against BP for water pollution in the Gulf of Mexico. To which BP is asking why the U.S. is even involved when it is called the Gulf of Mexico?

A startup company is renting privately owned cars at Oakland International Airport. Although there could be a bit of a problem when it comes to explaining it to the owners of the vehicles when they find out.

A startup company is renting privately owned cars at Oakland International Airport. The car owners don’t mind having strangers drive their cars because it is still safer than leaving them parked at Oakland International Airport.

Major League Baseball salaries reached a record $4.06 Billion in 2014. Now the players need to take steroids just to be able to carry home the cash they get from their signing bonuses.

Major League Baseball salaries reached a record $4.06 Billion in 2014. Which is really great for Cubs players who unlike players on other teams who have to pay money for new bats that break from making contact once in awhile.

A court in Michigan has ruled that mental illness shouldn’t bar people from owning guns. Apparently the judges feel that such restrictions are a violation of the Second Amendment. But just try to see how long you end up behind bars if you try to walk into their courtroom with a concealed weapon.

A court in Michigan has ruled that mental illness shouldn’t bar people from owning guns. Which means the NRA blames all gun crimes on mental illness so they can now team up with the courts to prove themselves right.

The National Labor Relations Board says that McDonald’s violated workers’ rights by retaliating against them for joining in minimum wage protests. Although what better way to retaliate against workers than to keep making them work at McDonald’s?

Lincoln Logs is coming back to the U.S. from China. Although when it comes to primitive forms of housing, today’s kids aren’t as familiar with log cabins as they are in living inside a cardboard refrigerator box.

An analysis says deaths from car crashes dropped 25% in the past decade because of safety gear. However, it should be back up to its old levels in no time thanks to the introduction of texting.

An analysis says deaths from car crashes dropped 25% in the past decade because of safety gear. That and the fact so many GM cars are off the road and can’t be driven while they are in the shop for the latest recalls.

California added 90,000 jobs in November. Mostly PR and crisis management representatives in Hollywood hired to put out all the fires over Sony Pictures’ hacking disaster.

E-mails reveal that Sony’s CEO was worried about the movie “The Interview” for months. Which was all for nothing as it turns out the real CEO of Sony all this time was Kim Jong-un.

E-mails reveal that Sony’s CEO was worried about the movie “The Interview” for months. It’s just too bad that he couldn’t do something about the movie earlier, like if he had some sort of executive power to make managerial decisions to protect the company and its image.

GM has reportedly developed contingency plans in case the Takata airbag recalls widen. Apparently the plan is to just recall all the defective GM vehicles and just blame it on Takata and say they’re all for airbag problems.

An analysis says that homeowners now tend to underestimate the value of their homes by 1.6%. Mostly because no one has enough money left to make offers for any more than about half the asking price.

An analysis says that homeowners now tend to underestimate the value of their homes by 1.6%. Mostly because the memory is still pretty fresh in their minds about how their last home dropped 90% of its value right before they went into foreclosure.

A study says that tooth loss is linked to both physical and mental decline. And pretty much vice versa.

A study says that tooth loss is linked to both physical and mental decline. Which finally explains why the people in the Deep South walk and talk so slowly.

A study says that e-cigarettes are less addictive than regular cigarettes. Which is like saying that meth isn’t as addicting as heroin, but it still doesn’t mean anyone should go out and start using it.

A study says that people who cook at home eat healthier meals with fewer calories. The study is called watching the people in line at McDonald’s.

Kris Jenner says she is not sure if she will keep Bruce Jenner’s last name now that they are divorced. Apparently any change would depend on if she is able to marry anyone with a more famous last name.

David Schwimmer has signed on to play Robert Kardashian in a miniseries about O.J. Simpson. While the program shows that Robert Kardashian may have helped Simpson get away with murder, it still wasn’t as big of a miscarriage of justice as the money the family got away with making “The Kardashians” reality show.

David Schwimmer has signed on to play Robert Kardashian in a miniseries about O.J. Simpson. If they are going with typecasting, they should use the “Friends” character of Joey to make up the entire jury.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says he doesn’t think any team is trying to lose to get an advantage in the draft. Some teams like the Clippers find that losing is something that just comes naturally.

Laker guard Jeremy Lin says he would like to shoot game a game winner. The only problem is the only time the Lakers usually have a chance at taking a lead in a game is on the first shot.

Laker guard Jeremy Lin says he would like to shoot game a game winner. To which everyone else in the league says that all depends on exactly when Kobe Bryant is planning to retire.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says there will be no NFL team in Los Angeles in 2015. Sadly for the people of Jacksonville, they will also once again go through another year without an NFL team.

A Wyoming man is recovering after being shot in the arm when his dog stepped on his gun. The man figures it would only be a matter of time before that happened after he named the dog “Cheney.”

A Wyoming man is recovering after being shot in the arm when his dog stepped on his gun. Although that will be the last time he forgets to replenish his supply of Milk-Bones.

NASA will run an experiment with twin astronauts, with one staying in space for a year with the other on the ground to measure differences of life in zero gravity. The only bad part is since they are twins, the one staying on Earth insists on dressing identically and wearing a space suit everywhere.

T-Mobile has agreed to pay $90 Million to settle claims of bogus charges on customers’ bills. Or as AT&T subscribers call bogus charges, their monthly statement.

Google is planning on integrating Android operating systems directly into cars so that they will be completely connected to the Internet. The good news is that drivers of GM cars can use the feature to download the latest recalls straight from the factory while the GPS system guides them right back to the dealer.

President Obama has given all federal workers a 1% pay raise for 2015. To which Ted Cruz says at least it will give them something to get by on when they miss out on the other 99% of their pay while he shuts the government down next year.

A war crimes case had been filed against the George W. Bush Administration by a human rights group in Germany. How bad is it when even Germany is calling you out for going too far with the way you treated people during a war?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Monday means only two more shopping days until Christmas. Which means only four more days until people need to be ready for the start of the post Christmas sales that will last into July. The good news is that when you are trying to decide what to get for me this year, remember that there is never a chance of running out of product or needing to come up with any money when you are sending the love!

Friday, December 19, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

New leaked e-mails from the Sony hackers say studio heads described Angelina Jolie as being “seriously out of her mind.” Which, looking back was probably true right around the time she was getting married to Billy Bob Thornton.

The Hyperloop, a proposed high speed transportation system is promising to make for a half hour trip from Los Angeles to San Francisco. The only problem is the six hours it will take to get through traffic in L.A. to get to the Hyperloop station.

The Hyperloop, a proposed high speed transportation system is promising to make for a half hour trip from Los Angeles to San Francisco. Or people in L.A. can get the same feel of going to San Francisco in a half hour by driving to West Hollywood.

Seth Rogen and James Franco reportedly have full time bodyguards in the wake of threats surrounding their movie “The Interview.” Although it’s hard to believe Rogen didn’t need bodyguards before to protect him from filmgoers who wanted their $8 back after seeing “Neighbors.”

A report says that Sony could lose $200 Million for its decision to make the movie “The Interview.” It could end up being as costly as if they gave the OK to release another Adam Sandler film.

A report says that Sony could lose $200 Million for its decision to make the movie “The Interview.” Although it was nowhere near as costly as the interview that ended up with the hiring of Angelo Mozilo as the CEO of Countrywide Mortgage.

A new wristband can detect when people fall asleep to record the TV shows they were watching. So far, the company says it has resulted mainly in millions of recordings of episodes of Showtime’s “The Borgias.”

ISIS has announced a new penal code which includes crucifixion, lashings and severing limbs. Or as Louisiana prison inmates call that, serving the warden a cup of coffee that is only lukewarm.

The European Court of Justice has ruled that obesity can be considered a disability. If that were to happen in the U.S., it would mean McDonald’s could make every parking space in their lot “handicapped only.”

The European Court of Justice has ruled that obesity can be considered a disability. It is only right that the decision came in Europe, as the cause of most of the obesity in the U.S. is those fries from France.

The IRS is warning that budget cutbacks could result in a delay in refunds. But just try to use the same excuse when you file your return two minutes after midnight on April 16th.

The IRS is warning that budget cutbacks could result in a delay in refunds. Which shouldn’t make a difference since it’s not like anyone in the U.S. still has an income.

A report says that bots outnumber humans on the Internet. The discovery was made when the biggest search for videos on Youtube were for robotic cats playing the piano and cyborg hamsters eating crackers.

A Dutch neuroscientist is attempting to upload his entire brain into a computer. Although if most men were able to connect their brains to computers, it would just result in a permanent search for Internet porn.

A strip club in a Denver suburb won a holiday lighting display contest. Although the reason they won is because used the lights to take the place of the usual pasties and g-strings on all their strippers.

A study says that airline pilots get as much UV radiation while flying as they would in a tanning bed. Which is good with the pilots who like to look tanned and ready to party when the flight attendants bring cocktails into the cockpit for the start of Happy Hour.

A panel says that the Secret Service is “starved for leadership.” Although how hard can it be to find someone to put in charge who can remind the agents to lock the front doors of the White House?

A World War II bomb was diffused in a German city after 10,000 people were evacuated. The embarrassing part is that most of the evacuees were people in towns in France who instinctively run when they hear there is a bomb somewhere.

Kraft has appointed John Cahill as their new CEO. The word on the street is that his management style is a little cheesy.

Carnival wants the public to pick the commercial they are planning to use during the Super Bowl. Football fans have a lot in common with passengers on Carnival cruises. Football fans hope their team wins with a Hail Mary pass, while Carnival passengers say a Hail Mary when they are boarding the ship.

The New York Attorney General is telling retailers to stop selling realistic looking toy guns online and in stores. He says it is a matter of safety, protection and besides there is a much better profit margin in just selling kids the real thing.

German researchers say they have found a flaw that can allow anyone to listen to listen in on any cellphone calls. Apparently that flaw is called the NSA.

The end of the Cuban embargo could be good news for car collectors who are interested in the 1950s automobiles which are common there. Especially for people who want to see what it is like to own a GM car without having to be constantly bothered with the latest recall notices.

The CEO of a timber company in Washington state has given back his $1.8 Million bonus, saying he “doesn’t deserve it.” It’s about time a company official has decided to go against the grain.

The CEO of a timber company in Washington state has given back his $1.8 Million bonus, saying he “doesn’t deserve it.” Other company CEOs were upset at the precedence, saying he needed to be hit with a two by four.

The CEO of a timber company in Washington state has given back his $1.8 Million bonus, saying he “doesn’t deserve it.” Apparently he will just have to make it by on his $20 Million a year salary, pension plan and benefits.

The White House is loosening restrictions on goods that will help more Cubans gain access to the Internet. Which they want so they can keep up with all their friends and neighbors who they can look up on MLB.com.

Billionaire investor Carl Icahn has offered a $20 Million loan to help keep the Trump Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City open. If Icahn knew anything about gambling, he would know he has a better chance of getting his money back if he gave it to the casino’s coffee shop Keno girl.

The NHL has signed a deal to offset the carbon output of its 30 teams. Apparently the league is worried about playing their matches on a film of water if global warming gets any more serious.

Experts say the recent drop in oil prices could send Texas into a recession. Although fortunately the state still has a cattle industry which means they are safe as the odds of Americans going vegan is about the same as hearing the phrase “Democrat Governor from the Lone Star State.”

Engineers at Cadillac have used technology to virtually eliminate the car’s blind spot. Although the biggest blind spot in most Cadillacs has to do with the field of vision of the 80 year old who is sitting behind the wheel.

A 103 year old doctor in California says that exercise is overrated. But then for most centenarians  who are stuck living in a nursing home, so is living to 103.

A 103 year old doctor in California says that exercise is overrated. Of course, after making it to 103 just being able to still breathe is enough exercise for the day.

A study says that air pollution can increase the risk of autism. Which is apparent when you see Dustin Hoffman walking around saying “Ozone level is now 443 parts per million...443 parts per million...ozone level is currently 443 parts per million...”

A study says that air pollution can increase the risk of autism. The new research has resulted in the script for a sequel to “Rain Man” called “Smog Boy.”

A study says that early sensitive caregiving can have positive effects on a child’s social and academic success. Which is just more bad news for Britney Spears’ kids.

A study says that the drugs Xanax and Valium are tied to confusion and falls. Which is why so many people want prescriptions for Xanax and Valium.

A report says that life expectancy has risen in every region of the world but one. That region is the one mile radius around any McDonald’s restaurant.

A study says that marijuana smokers have less inflammation than people who have never smoked. Although most pot smokers think inflammation is the act of lighting up your bong.

A study says that Ibuprofen may improve a person’s longevity. Although probably so will giving up whatever activity makes them need to constantly take Ibuprofen in the first place.

A Massachusetts woman says she was turned down for a job because she has an allergy to peanuts. Although it probably wasn’t a good idea for someone with her conditions to apply in the public relations department at Planters.

A study says that the inability to balance on one leg for 20 seconds can indicate a risk of stroke. It can also indicate a risk of being taken in for a DUI.

A study says that older cars are more deadly for teenagers to drive. Although once a teenager starts driving a car it usually doesn’t have a chance of getting too much older.

A study says that older cars are more deadly for teenagers to drive. In fact, they are almost as deadly when being driven by a teenager as a new car.

A report says the movie “The Interview originally was written using the names of a fake country and fake dictator. Now Sony wishes they had used the name of a fake movie studio.

Kris and Bruce Jenner have finalized their divorce and split their property. Each was reportedly willing to give up everything in the settlement as long as the other person got custody of Kanye West.

A movie starring Steve Carell that was going to be set in North Korea has been nixed by the studio. Now what do you think could have led up to that decision?

A report says that Michael Phelps will not serve any jail time for his second DUI. Mostly because of what could happen to him after his cellmates see some of the pictures where he is posing with with Olympic medals in just his Speedos.

Ole Miss football coach Hugh Freeze says he is proud of his team’s 2.57 GPA. There is a word for students in Mississippi with a 2.57 GPA. Valedictorian.

Ole Miss football coach Hugh Freeze says he is proud of his team’s 2.57 GPA. The only bad part is that many of the credits for the team’s classes were transferred over from the University of North Carolina.

Ole Miss football coach Hugh Freeze says he is proud of his team’s 2.57 GPA. Usually the players’ grades are similar to most of the team’s passes. Incomplete.

A no confidence resolution has been drafted on UAB President Ray Watts over the decision to drop the football program. Although if anyone had any confidence that the football team could actually win a game, the program wouldn’t have been dropped in the first place.

A pair of Michael Jordan sneakers he wore at UNC has sold for $33,000. Which are just a few dollars cheaper than what it costs to buy a brand new pair of Air Jordan Special Editions at Foot Locker.

A pair of Michael Jordan sneakers he wore at UNC has sold for $33,000. The only shoes from UNC that would be more valuable because of how rare they are is the pair of shoes that Jordan wore when he actually went to class.

A scope that can be attached to an iPhone can be used to send pictures of children’s ear infections to doctors. Which would be ironic when the ear infection comes from having an iPhone up to their ear all day talking to their friends.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only six more shopping days until Christmas. Which means men have five more days to do other stuff before panicking on the 24th. I am pretty much done with all my shopping. I have decided to give everyone the gift of humor, my blog. No returns. Although I will never take back the gift you give me, especially when you put me on the Christmas list to send the love!

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The U.S. says it will normalize relations with Cuba. Which sounds about as significant as if Bill and Hillary Clinton were to reaffirm their wedding vows.

The U.S. says it will normalize relations with Cuba. With their poverty, lack of education and environmental issues it will be just like we are getting another Alabama.

The U.S. says it will normalize relations with Cuba. It could be a real boost to the tourism trade. In fact, the island nation has already ordered thousands of barrels, discarded truck tires and wood planks to start building ships for the Cuban cruise line industry.

U.S. officials say they can tie the Sony hack to North Korea. What are the odds that the two people with Internet access in North Korea were able to get lucky enough to break into Sony’s computers?

U.S. officials say they can tie the Sony hack to North Korea. Apparently it was in retaliation for a movie where the U.S. government hires people to kill Kim Jong-un. It’s just a good thing that the movie didn’t involve a plot line to embarrass the Korean leader even more, like having him as a guest on Bill O’Reilly’s show.

A report says the wealth gap between the middle and upper class in the U.S. is at its widest on record. Apparently it broke the old mark which was set the day before, and the day before, and the day before...

Reporters for Time magazine have been warned to boost reader “traffic” with their articles or they could be fired. Which may have something to do with the new investigative series just announced about videos of cats playing the piano and hamsters eating crackers.

A California medical marijuana dispensary has removed a window picture of Santa smoking pot. Apparently some local community members thought the message was a little too blunt.

A California medical marijuana dispensary has removed a window picture of Santa smoking pot. The store owners have decided to go with something a little more subtle, like Santa giggling uncontrollably while eating three pizzas.

Several movie theater chains have dropped Sony’s movie “The Interview” because of threats from hackers over the controversial film. The only question is if movie theaters were really concerned about their customers, why did they ever show “Grownups 2”?

California will start issuing driver’s licenses to undocumented immigrants for the first time since 1993. Apparently state officials are asking why immigrants should get away without having to waste hours at a time suffering in line at the DMV like the rest of us.

Researchers say that three prisoners who made a daring escape from Alcatraz in 1962 could possibly have survived the attempt. The worst part for prison officials is they finally discovered the inmates were missing just last week.

Researchers say that three prisoners who made a daring escape from Alcatraz in 1962 could possibly have survived the attempt. In fact, they suspect the inmates made it to Cuba where they have made a fortune as consultants for the island’s shipping industry.

Russia’s state-run TV has advised people against drinking with Asians on New Year’s Eve because of what they call a “genetic defect” that allows alcohol to harm their health. Which political experts say was actually more of a veiled challenge by Vladimir Putin that he can drink Kim Jong-un under the table any day.

Authorities shot and killed the first cougar seen in Kentucky since the Civil War. The only sighting in the state since the War Between the States that has been any more rare is anyone actually reporting catching a glimpse of a Democrat.

Nine western governments are urging Kenya to respect human rights. The Kenyan government says if they treated their people well, the country would lose the reason that so many Kenyans become world class runners.

A Toronto man was able to find a woman who had the same name as his former girlfriend who can take a free trip around the world with him. To which millions of other men have come up with the same offer, saying they will give a free travel ticket to anyone who has the name Jennifer Aniston.

The Belarus government has tightened control of their online media. Which is bad news for the three people of Belarus who actually have Internet access.

A survey says that 57% of Americans are planning to work over the Christmas holiday. Mostly because 7-Eleven, McDonald’s and Wal-Mart are all open and have called them in for their regular shifts.

A survey says that 57% of Americans are planning to work over the Christmas holiday. The other 43% will not work over the holiday and will sit at home like they have every other day since they lost their jobs in 2008.

A Pac-Man themed restaurant will open next year in Chicago. Which will apparently cater to a clientele of single men over 40 who actually know what Pac-Man is.

A Pac-Man themed restaurant will open next year in Chicago. Which is scary to think that our children will be endangering their lives doing the same thing in their 40s when a nostalgic restaurant opens that is based on “Grand Theft Auto.”

The government has filed a lawsuit against U.S. Bank and Bank of America over mortgage securities. If they lose the lawsuit, the two banks will say they don’t have any money and will ask the government to just let them pay up with another bailout.

A report says that car theft in the U.S. has dropped 58% since 1991. Mostly because who wants to go from stealing muscle cars like Trans Ams and GTOs down to taking a joyride in a Prius?

A report says that car theft in the U.S. has dropped 58% since 1991. Mostly because the thieves find it such a hassle to steal a car and instead of dismantling it for parts have to spend all their time taking it into the shop for the latest recalls.

A survey says that half of employers are planning on giving signing bonuses to new employees graduating in 2015. The bad news is that the bonus is pretty much a monthly bus pass so they can’t use their 1995 Kia as an excuse to not come into work.

A survey says that half of employers are planning on giving signing bonuses to new employees graduating in 2015. The most promising workers will be given all the Slim Jims they can eat off the shelf when they are done sweeping out the 7-Eleven.

New York has banned energy companies from fracking. Which caused some confusion as most people in the Bronx think that fracking is just a substitute for a swear word.

General Mills will start selling cereals based on ancient grains. Which are not to be confused with the boxes of Grape Nuts that have been sitting untouched on store shelves since 1963.

Avon has settled foreign bribery allegations with the Department of Justice. Apparently they were offering money to other countries to tell their women that if they used anything other than Avon products they would end up looking like Lady Gaga.

Dish Network will start including a Netflix app on their TV boxes. Apparently the idea is to allow their customers to view older programming available online while they are searching around the other 500 channels for something worth watching.

A study says that children’s cartoons are rife with death and murder. The most shocking example was when SpongeBob SquarePants was killed and used by Proctor & Gamble as a promotion to demonstrate how their dishwashing soaps could really clean plates.

A study says that people lose weight just through the process of breathing. Which is ironic in that most of them wouldn’t have so much extra weight to lose if they didn’t inhale all their food.

A study has come up with the reason why some depressants make people feel worse before they start to feel better. It’s mostly when they start taking the medication and get their first prescription bill from the pharmacy.

A report says that garbled phone texts could be a sign of a person having a stroke. Or a sign that you are getting a text from your teenager which has slang, abbreviations and acronyms you have no idea how to translate.

A study says that mixing energy drinks with alcohol can increase the chances of someone driving drunk. Mostly because drinking anything along with alcohol can increase the chances of driving drunk.

A study says that law enforcement is the profession with the highest rate of obesity. Which is why anyone looking for a cop will always run into a Dunkin’ Donuts before they start looking for the closest Whole Foods.

The FDA is going to start requiring chain restaurants to post the calories in their alcoholic drinks. Although most people at chain restaurants are drinking so they don’t think about the number of calories in just the appetizers they have eaten before the main course arrives.

The FDA is going to start requiring chain restaurants to post the calories in their alcoholic drinks. What they should start posting is the blood alcohol level each drink will put them at so people can get an idea what they will blow when they are pulled over for DUI.

The U.N. says that 5 Million kids are out of school because of Ebola. Officials say it’s the only reason ever given for 5 Million kids to miss school other than living in Alabama.

A majority of doctors for the first time support aid in dying. Apparently they see that as a better plan than being forced to take the lowered payments offered by insurance policies through Obamacare, Medicare and Medicaid.

A survey says that 54% of doctors support aid in dying. The other 46% figure they can still milk the system by giving terminally ill patients more drugs and keeping them on life support a few more months.

A study says that expectant fathers go through hormonal changes. Especially after changing their first diaper and their body shuts down all sperm production as a survival instinct to keep from having to ever go through that again.

A study says that belly fat is tied to sudden cardiac death. Which is ironic in that the more belly fat a person has, the less they are inclined to do anything suddenly.

The U.S. says it is closer to formally blaming North Korea for the Sony hacking. Apparently it all started when Dennis Rodman showed Kim Jong-un how to play “Grand Theft Auto V” on an Xbox.

The Backstreet Boys are preparing to release a documentary about the band. Apparently it shows how their teamwork with the group has helped them later in life. In fact, they still coordinate their efforts as one takes orders, another cooks the food, and the other two wash and dry the dishes.

Film Critic Richard Roeper slammed Sony for pulling the film “The Interview” from theaters because of threats from hackers. The move pretty much kills any plans for studios that were thinking about making a film about a Nigerian prince.

Film Critic Richard Roeper slammed Sony for pulling the film “The Interview” from theaters because of threats from hackers. Apparently the movie company was worried that if terrorists blew up all the theaters showing a Seth Rogen movie, as many as five people could be hurt.

Experts say the thaw in U.S. and Cuban relations could change Major League Baseball. For one thing, teams would not be so much concerned about who they pick up in the draft as much as who they can pick up coming off the raft.

A report says that 5% of Cubans have access to the global Internet. Which means they will be right at home when they are allowed to travel to the U.S. and log on to AOL.

18,000 tons of concrete will be placed into the Gulf of Mexico to protect the reef system. It will be the most concrete ever dumped into a body of water other than the cement dropped into the East River which was also attached to someone’s feet.

Hillary Clinton says the U.S. should never condone or practice torture anywhere in the world. To which Bill Clinton is in agreement with, especially if it is considered torture to throw all the good dishes at a spouse.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only a week left until Christmas. Which means another month until the shopping bills arrive and another three years to pay them all off. Although one way to save money on the gift you are sending this way for the holidays is to just remember to send the love!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump says this country “doesn’t need another Bush” as Trump is reportedly considering another run for President. Apparently Trump feels he is uniquely qualified after taking several businesses into bankruptcy to deal with a nation that owes $17 Trillion.

Sony’s hackers have threatened attacks on movie theaters that show the film “The Interview.” Apparently the hackers say they will assault moviegoers by replacing the film with a copy of “Grownups 2.”

An Indiana congressman says that Speaker John Boehner tricked him into voting on a spending bill. Which is a bit ironic in that Congress has tricked voters for years into keeping them on the job.

The Census Bureau says that 1 in 5 Millennials live in poverty. The other four live in nice homes in good neighborhoods. Mostly because that’s where their parents’ basements are located.

Hillary Clinton admits she hasn’t driven a car since 1996. Apparently Bill has arranged for a driver since then because after being caught with Monica he has been in constant fear that if she ever gets behind the wheel it will be to run him down.

Layoffs are reportedly starting at the New York Times. The worst part is that the story about the cutbacks were reported by the New York Post.

Layoffs are reportedly starting at the New York Times. It’s getting so bad at the Times that in today’s Obituary section the first name posted is the New York Times.

Analysts say that falling oil prices will spark more global tension in 2015. Which is still better than the tension caused by the U.S. invading all the Middle Eastern countries whenever the price of oil goes up.

A priest in Italy who was fed up with his services being interrupted by cellphones installed a jamming device in his church. Not only can they not take calls or receive texts, but he also says he arranged all their prayers to be rerouted to Satan.

A story in a New York magazine about a 17 year old boy who made $72 Million in the stock market was reportedly made up. Suspicions were raised when the reporter also broke a story after being tipped off about Prince Albert being trapped in a can.

Congress has ended a federal ban on medical marijuana. Apparently Congress wants the war on drugs to be the first war we’ve had in years that actually has an exit strategy.

A Nepalese eye doctor has reportedly traveled around the world restoring eyesight to more than 100,000 people. The only problem is that they go into shock when after getting their sight back, the first thing they see is his bill.

Several passengers on an American Airlines flight to Dallas were injured by turbulence. Which is nothing like the turbulence American’s passengers experience when they try to claim their luggage, find out why their flight is delayed or try to cash in their frequent flier miles.

Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s tumor has reportedly been reduced to half its size. Now all he has to do to get out of the headlines is to try to accomplish the same thing with his waist size and ego.

McDonald’s is rationing french fries in Japan due to a potato shortage, eliminating the large size and only offering small orders. Which is different than how they serve fries in America where people consider a large order still too small.

Coca-Cola is pulling out as a sponsor of “American Idol” after 13 years. Apparently their advertising department didn’t like how the show’s judges rated their new jingle as “A little pitchy, dawg.”

Coca-Cola is pulling out as a sponsor of “American Idol” after 13 years. The company thinks it would connect better with a more country music oriented audience who have teeth that look like they have all been drinking too much Coke for the past 13 years.

Sprint is facing a record fine from the FCC for unauthorized charges to their customers. Apparently they actually tried to bill customers for providing some kind of phone service and Internet access.

Phone companies in Illinois are pushing to eliminate their obligation to provide customers with land lines. To which anyone under 30 is asking “What’s a land line?”

Phone companies in Illinois are pushing to eliminate their obligation to provide customers with land lines. The only problem will be getting the people of Illinois to voluntarily give up their rotary dial phones.

A new company allows hospitals to save money by sharing equipment. The worst part is when they really try to cut corners and your surgeon has to share a scalpel with the person in the next operating room.

A new company allows hospitals to save money by sharing equipment. The worst part is being put on a ventilator with another patient and they get the “inhale” side while you are stuck with “exhale.”

Sony is fighting back against the backlash from hacked e-mails, hiring the PR experts that work with the NFL on crisis management. Which after seeing how the NFL has handled the Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson cases, most people think they would be better off letting the hackers handle that, too.

Federal regulators say that big banks have returned to their pre-crisis lending policies. To which the federal government says they have a tough time telling anyone how to loan money when they have borrowed $17 Trillion that will never be paid back.

Federal regulators say that big banks have returned to their pre-crisis lending policies. Which is unfortunate in that if there was only some way those bank regulators could somehow regulate what those banks are doing.

Korean Air is facing a penalty over an airline executive’s tirade over how macadamia nuts were served caused a twenty minute flight delay. The airline blames the outburst on an old Korean adage, “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.”

Congress has cut funding for the IRS back to 1998 levels. Mostly because most Americans are making less income now than they did back in 1998.

A study says that fewer Ebola cases have gone unreported than were previously thought. Mostly because it’s hard to convince medical workers you just have the flu when they are being squirted with the blood still hemorrhaging from your eyeballs.

The top calorie count requested on Google last year was for bananas which have about 105 calories. Which is unfortunate in that the people who really need to be googling calorie counts are the ones who just ate four Big Macs, three large fries and washed it down with a chocolate shake.

The CDC is telling men who have had Ebola to use condoms for at least three months. Which is really not that much of an issue because it’s going to be hard enough to even get a date when the person you are asking out just can’t stop staring at the blood hemorrhaging from your eyeballs.

A study says that obese kids’ brains have a stronger response to sugar. Which is pretty obvious since tossing a fat kid a donut gets about the same reaction as when a zookeeper throws raw meat into the lions’ cage.

A survey says the most common reasons people lose sleep are trading the time to be at work or for their commute. Mostly because being at work and on their commute are the only times they have where they can really catch up with their e-mails and scrolling through their Facebook accounts.

A study says that most kids don’t eat three meals a day. Mostly because they have already exceeded that number of meals consumed before lunch is even on the table.

A study says that most kids don’t eat three meals a day. Many eat just one. It starts at 7:00 AM and pretty much goes through Midnight.

A study says that yoga may cut heart disease risk factors. Mostly because of the time it takes for people to untangle their arms and legs from the Gordian Knot they tied themselves into during yoga class before they are actually able to pick up a knife and fork again.

A study says that e-cigarette use is rising among teens. Which shows the generational disconnect as even sneaking in a cigarette behind the parents’ backs has gone digital.

 A report says the number of cases of the STD chlamydia has fallen significantly. Which has gotten Hollywood gossips talking that it must mean Paris Hilton has a steady boyfriend.

A study says that the flu hits men much harder than women. Mostly because it just appears that way since when men get the flu they need to be cared for around the clock while they act like they have a combination of Ebola, Malaria and Dengue Fever.

The FDA is warning expectant mothers to not to get ultrasounds of their babies just to have as keepsakes. The worst part is that even before being born, it is nearly impossible to get a child to sit still for a photo.

A study says when teens drink, it is mostly likely the females who tend to pass out. Mostly because they are being given alcohol by the males who know their odds of being considered attractive increase the closer the woman is to being unconscious.

Tim Burton says he will direct the sequel to “Beetlejuice.” Which means if nothing else, Robin Thicke will finally have to give back that pair of pants he wore onstage at the VMAs with Miley Cyrus.

A report says NFL referees are on a pace to call more than 4,000 penalties this season. Or as that used to be called, the first half of any Raiders game.

A report says NFL referees are on a pace to call more than 4,000 penalties this season. Although the most common occurrence of yellow with the NFL this year isn’t the penalty flag as much as it is police crime scene tape.

The discovery of methane “spikes” by the Curiosity rover has fueled new speculation of life on Mars. While methane may be a sign of life on Mars, it is still different from the most likely sign of life in Georgia which instead is traces of meth.

Archaeologists in the UK say they have discovered “incredible details” surrounding a 4,000 year old man. To which Larry King is saying “Junior?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only eight days left until Christmas. I am definitely ready. For it to be over. Mostly because it is so hard to write jokes while Congress is in recess. The good thing about Christmas is that it doesn’t matter if you wait until the 24th to do your shopping, as long as you are just sending the love!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that electric cars are not all that green after all since many use electricity that was generated by coal. Not only that, but finding a cord long enough to allow driving in a 50 mile radius is nearly impossible.

The Pentagon is reportedly developing a bullet that can change direction after being fired. Although so far people have been disappointed that the Pentagon hasn’t been able to change direction after Donald Rumsfeld was fired.

A cow in Idaho was shot and killed by police after it escaped from a meat processing plant. Apparently the cow wasn’t going to be captured by police or go back to the meat plant because it knew either way it was in for a grilling.

A new vigilante app has been created to help the Internet investigate unsolved crimes. Although the best way for people to avoid most crimes like bullying, scams and identity theft is to just stay off the Internet in the first place.

A study says that one third of Americans get less than 7 hours of sleep a night which could be affecting their health. Especially when their wife catches them sneaking in the house two hours before they have to wake up for work.

A study says that doing one minute of intense exercise can improve people’s health. Especially when that exercise is a full sprint out the back door when your girlfriend’s husband comes home unexpectedly.

Dick Cheney says he would authorize the military’s enhanced interrogation program again “in a minute.” Although instead of waterboarding them, this time they will just be threatened with becoming Cheney’s hunting partner.

If Congress doesn’t take action on a terrorism insurance bill, the Super Bowl could be cancelled. Last year the NFL took desperate measures to make sure even terrorists would be too timid to try to attack the Super Bowl. They scheduled it in New Jersey.

If Congress doesn’t take action on a terrorism insurance bill, the Super Bowl could be cancelled. Although now that the game will be played in Arizona, the only militant group the NFL is worried about are the Gray Panthers. 

The War in Afghanistan has now cost the U.S. more than $1 Trillion. Colin Powell warned that “If you break it, you’ve bought it.” Which means instead of invading, we would have been better off just offering them a few thousand dollars for the whole place.

Texas is weighing allowing open carrying of handguns. Apparently it isn’t a big deal there because many Texans find handguns just get in the way when they are already loaded down by carrying around their shotgun, AK-47 and grenade launcher.

A Brazilian photographer who has documented the effects humans have had on the planet says the Earth is “near extinction.” Although since the invention of digital cameras, the planet is still in better shape than the careers of professional photographers.

France will reportedly ban the ride sharing service Uber next year. Mostly because France is still the only country where the cab drivers actually have less body odor than their passengers.

Google is researching the power of color in the working world. Although most businesses care about only two colors. That is hoping they make enough green to stay in the black.

A study says that men who eat spicy foods tend to be alpha males. Mostly because it takes real confidence to eat lunch at Taco Bell and come back to the office for a one on one meeting with the boss.

A woman lawyer in California has been banned from meeting with her clients in jail after being caught having sex with an inmate. Apparently suspicions were raised when she said she needed to meet with the prisoner to go over his briefs.

Denmark is making a claim for the North Pole, saying they own it as it is geographically connected to Greenland. Apparently they waited until now to make the claim for the Pole because they knew if they did it while George W. Bush was President, he would have attacked them in defense of Santa Claus.

A group with ties to the Koch Brothers is comparing EPA regulations to torture. Although if they really want to torture someone, all they need to do is make them read through a few pages of an EPA environmental impact report.

A 17 year old New York boy from Queens has reportedly made $72 Million in the stock market. He is the first person to make that much money while in his teens without being able to dunk from the free throw line.

A 17 year old New York boy from Queens has reportedly made $72 Million in the stock market. Although since 2007, lots of people have ended up with $72 Million in the stock market. The only problem is they went into 2006 with investments of $5 Billion.

A report says that magic mushrooms were found growing in the garden at Buckingham Palace. Which is starting to finally explain how Prince Charles could have ever dumped Princess Diana for Camilla.

Tattooing animals in New York is now against the law. The punishment for any tattoo artist inking an animal will be to see how far they can get on a full sleeve tattoo on the leg of a hungry pit bull.

Departing members of Congress gave their farewell speeches, many lecturing on how Washington, D.C. needs to be changed. Although for many, if they had done some changes maybe they wouldn’t be in the process of packing their bags.

American Airlines says it will offer bonus miles for pricey flight fares. To which most American passengers consider a real bonus as getting miles with another airline.

The U.S. Mint says it costs taxpayers $90.5 Million a year to make pennies and nickels. Which is still worth it since that is the only currency most Americans can afford to have in their pockets.

The U.S. Mint says it costs taxpayers $90.5 Million a year to make pennies and nickels. Apparently with all that change being minted, the government is really being nickel and dimed.

Burt Reynolds’ Trans Am from “Smokey and the Bandit” was auctioned for $450,000. Which is too bad for the buyer who just two years ago could have completely taken over Pontiac Motors for the same price.

Burt Reynolds’ Trans Am from “Smokey and the Bandit” was auctioned for $450,000.The 1977 car still has the original tires, which still aren’t nearly as bald as Burt Reynolds.

A new tool on Skype allows people to translate video calls almost in real time. Mostly because most Skype conversations consist of someone saying “Why don’t you take off that top?”

A study says a chemical found in cans and plastic bottles can raise blood pressure and cause heart rate issues. That chemical is called Coca-Cola.

A Texas girl who couldn’t stop eating has lost 50 pounds after weight loss surgery. Most kids could also lose weight from surgery, if doctors could only figure out how to actually remove the sweet tooth.

A study says that smoking can interfere with the treatment of alcohol abuse. Especially when the alcoholics are smoking pot and they keep forgetting their appointments at the rehab center.

A study says that checking e-mails more than three times a day can cause stress. Mostly on the people who are uselessly trying to have a conversation with someone who keeps constantly looking at their cellphone for new e-mails every 30 seconds.

A study says that doctors’ offices lose millions of dollars a year through magazine theft. Mostly because when people have time to read the same magazine five times cover to cover while waiting for their appointment, they feel they can claim it as their own.

A study says that doctors’ offices lose millions of dollars a year through magazine theft. Mostly because many of the magazines on display in doctors’ offices are collector’s editions that have been there since 1947.

A study says that people who feel younger than their age tend to live longer. Which means the way Cher keeps trying to make people think she is still 50 means she could live forever.

A study says that people who feel younger than their age tend to live longer. Which is good news for Larry King who says he feels Paleozoic when he is actually Mesozoic.

A report says that injuries in tanning booths sends thousands of people to the ER each year. Mostly eye injuries from men trying to peek into a tanning bed to see if the woman inside is going all-over.

Mick Fleetwood writes about an affair he had with Stevie Nicks in his new book. To which most people are saying “Ewwwwww!”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie defended being a fan of the Dallas Cowboys despite a storm of criticism on social media. Christie likes the team’s tradition, its winning history, and the fact that their stadium has its own Taco Bueno franchise.

Cleveland Browns head coach Mile Pettine says that Johnny Manziel at quarterback gives the team its best chance to win. Aside from scheduling all its games against the Jaguars, Raiders and Jets.

Former Cleveland Browns quarterback Bernie Kosar says that the team’s management makes him “want to throw up.” Which is pretty much about the same as someone eating every meal at McDonald’s for ten years and then complaining that they have gained weight.

81 people were hospitalized at a junior hockey game in Wisconsin after the rink’s  Zamboni started leaking carbon monoxide. It was the most people ever taken to the hospital at a junior hockey game that hadn’t been assaulted by a hockey dad.

81 people were hospitalized at a junior hockey game in Wisconsin after the rink’s  Zamboni started leaking carbon monoxide. It was the most people who were ever sickened from hockey that hadn’t just sat through an entire Carolina Hurricanes game.

New York Jets cornerback Josh Thomas pleaded on Twitter for the return of his stolen playbook. Football fans were shocked. The Jets have a playbook?

New York Jets cornerback Josh Thomas pleaded on Twitter for the return of his stolen playbook. Stealing the Jets’ playbook is like someone taking Donald Trump’s binder full of instructions for hair care.

A copy of an Atari “ET” game from 1982 has made it into the Smithsonian games collection. Not for its place in video game history, but for signaling the start of the decline of the health, intelligence and ambition of the American teen.

An Australian turtle that actually breathes through its backside is reportedly near extinction. Mostly just for the fact when it has a health problem it is impossible to find anyone who will give it mouth-to-butt resuscitation.

A survey says that 39% of Internet users have taken steps to insure their online privacy. Mostly by finally ignoring any e-mails that originate from a Nigerian prince.

A survey says that 39% of Internet users have taken steps to insure their online privacy. Which thanks to the NSA can pretty much only be done anymore by going offline.

A report says the demand for solar power was up 16% in 2014. Not because people wanted to use an alternate source of energy, but because it was such a bad winter that they just wanted to know the sun was shining somewhere in the world.

Best Buy Geek Squad members are at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport giving free tech support to fliers. Mostly people who have broken their laptops trying to get in touch with United Airlines to see why all their flights have been canceled.

Best Buy Geek Squad members are at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport giving free tech support to fliers. Mostly to people who can’t figure out how to navigate their way through O’Hare even with their GPS system.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Christmas is only nine days away. The best present you can give me other than large stacks of unmarked bills would be to tell all your friends about my blog, and to have them tell all their friends. And then have all of them send me stacks of unmarked bills. If that sounds like too much work which it is, a good alternative plan is to always just remember to send the love!

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A movie theater in Russia has replaced their seats with beds to make for the feeling of having a slumber party. And also to cater to most of their customers who won’t be able to stay awake more than a few minutes into their next showing of an Adam Sandler film.

The Navy has developed a robotic spy fish that looks and swims like a bluefin tuna. In fact, it is so realistic that the Navy even added a toxic amount of mercury so that if anyone caught and ate it they would swear it tastes like real tuna.

Ads for Obamacare signups will appear on receipts at 7-Eleven stores. Which is only fitting since most people who need health insurance through Obamacare need medical attention from all the Big Gulps they have consumed over the years.

A study says that salt may be triggering headaches. Especially when your wife hits you over the head with a frying pan for always pouring salt over whatever she cooks before you even taste it.

A new bracelet turns people’s arms into touchscreens with a projector. The only problem is when you scratch an itch on your wrist and accidentally order the entire online catalogue at L.L. Bean.

Pope Francis I says that dogs can go to heaven. Except that collie that pooped on the lawn at St. Peter’s Basilica last week.

The Department of Homeland Security says 100 Million Americans could lose power during a major sun storm. Or for PG&E customers, if more than three raindrops fall in any one given area.

The Department of Homeland Security says 100 Million Americans could lose power during a major sun storm. The only question is how would a sun storm’s energy affect people who get their electricity through solar power?

The government is creating robots that will look after the elderly and help them eat healthily. Which is basically a can opener that can take the lid off their daily servings of corn mush.

Korean Air executive Cho Hyun-ah who caused a flight to be delayed while she reprimanded a flight attendant for not opening a bag of macadamia nuts has resigned. However, she has kept her title of Vice President of the airline that is owned by her father. Apparently Hynu-ah is Korean for “Trump.”

Former Chicago White Sox player Mark Gilbert has been named Ambassador to New Zealand. Apparently President Obama thinks athletes are a good fit for the position. In fact, he is preparing to name several former Raiders as ambassadors just as soon as openings come up in Iran, Iraq or Afghanistan.

Former Chicago White Sox player Mark Gilbert has been named Ambassador to New Zealand. Apparently President Obama likes the ideas of former athletes as ambassadors ever since Dennis Rodman got Kim Jong-un to pretty much go into hiding.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says he doesn’t know what part of the Constitution outlaws torturing terrorists. Apparently he must have cut law school class the day they went over the 8th Amendment and that whole “cruel and unusual punishment” thing.

Fitch has downgraded France’s rating to “AA” from “AA+.” Although it’s not like anyone is going to loan France any money except to buy a can of deodorant.

Chrysler has expanded their recall of vehicles with Takata airbags, going back to cars made as early as 2003. Which is not that much of a concern since it’s not like there are any 2003 Chryslers that are still on the road.

Two out of three Americans say they blew their budget in 2014. The worst part is that they fell into debt for 2014 some time back in 2011.

Two out of three Americans say they blew their budget in 2014, mostly on dining out. Especially when you factor in the related costs of going on weight loss programs, buying larger sized clothes and having heart bypass surgery.

Chinese investment company Tencent has been given permission to start a bank. Which is pretty good, considering when Tencent started they barely had a dime to their name.

Chinese investment company Tencent has been given permission to start a bank. The only problem is that investors are a little wary, thinking they might be dealing with the little brother of 50 Cent.

The National Labor Relations Board has issued a rule that will speed up the union election process. Apparently their idea to speed things up is to not have the voting process run by companies that have union workers.

The National Labor Relations Board has issued a rule that will speed up the union election process. Which is great news for the three companies that still actually have union employees.

Disney is altering the perqs for their exclusive Club 33 members who pay $12,000 a year for membership. As opposed to the general public who pay $12,000 for admission, meals and souvenirs for a three day family visit to DisneyWorld.

Delta has introduced a five-tiered seating plan which has a Basic Economy class that has even fewer amenities than Coach. In fact, it is so bare bones that fliers need to pay to move up three classes just to make it into “Cargo.”

Congress has moved one step closer to allowing pension benefits to be cut for union workers. Labor leaders were shocked. There are still workers who have pension benefits?

Congress has moved one step closer to allowing pension benefits to be cut for union workers. Apparently the move covers all pensions still in effect except the one that has been set aside for members of Congress.

A poll says the standard of living in the U.S. has improved in 2014. In fact, most people’s standard of living has moved from a rating of “1929” all the way to “1937.”

A report says that health care in the U.S. for people 65 or older lags behind the rest of the world. Which isn’t that much of a concern since the obesity epidemic has been killing off most Americans before they even get close to reaching 65.

Studies are questioning weight loss programs that are based on mindfulness. Mostly because the problem with overweight people starts with their plate-fulness.

The FTC is continuing to crack down on weight loss scams. The way people can tell they are bogus is when they promise to help people lose weight.

The FTC is continuing to crack down on weight loss scams. Which are almost as big a scam as the federal government funding the FTC to be completely ineffective in helping consumers.

A study says that almost half of all U.S. kids suffer from traumatic stress. Mostly the ones whose parents let them sit in front of the TV set which only picks up PBS programming.

A study says that fructose may make people more hungry. Although by looking at most Americans, it’s hard to believe there is anything that could make us more hungry.

A study says that memory lapses in the well-educated may signal the risk of stroke. The only bigger cause of memory lapses in well-educated people is whenever they are called to testify in front of Congress.

An office party in Florida resulted in dozens of people being taken to the hospital. It also put the company in the top ten on the list of greatest places to work.

A study says that weight gain carries risks, no matter what the original weight of the person. Which means that supermodels are OK as long as they don’t gain more than three ounces at a time.

Loma Linda, a suburb east of Los Angeles has been designated one of the world’s five “Blue Zones” where people live extraordinarily long lives. The first clue is that the town has 72 restaurants, all of them a Carrows.

Loma Linda, a suburb east of Los Angeles has been designated one of the world’s five “Blue Zones” where people live extraordinarily long lives. The first clue is that there is a sign warning not to ask anyone “How are you feeling today?”

Loma Linda, a suburb east of Los Angeles has been designated one of the world’s five “Blue Zones” where people live extraordinarily long lives. The first clue is that all of the gift shops feature shirts that say “World’s Best Great-Great-Great Grandpa.”

Loma Linda, a suburb east of Los Angeles has been designated one of the world’s five “Blue Zones” where people live extraordinarily long lives. Most the people who live there feel they are too old to work but are still too young to move to Miami.

France’s President Francois Hollande wants to allow doctors to keep terminally ill patients sedated until they die. Which is a bit different from what people in the U.S. are asking for, which is to just be sedated until after the election season when all the political commercials are finally done.

An analysis says that men are 90% more likely than women to do something dangerously stupid. Mostly because there are still a few women around like the one who is getting ready to marry Charles Manson.

Leah Messer is expected to be back on “Teen Mom 2” after saying she wouldn’t return. Apparently she is trying to get her kids used to being on camera so that they will be ready in another few years when they all star in the first season of “Teen Grandma.”

The “Late Late Show With James Corden” is adding staff to prepare for its March debut. Most of the new staff will be working in the publicity department to try to answer everyone who is asking “Who is James Corden?”

Ann Marcus, a writer for the show “Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman” has died. She was 93 years old, 93 years old.

Facebook has dropped a deal with Microsoft to show Bing web results for its search engine. When asked for a comment, Bing said “Bang. Boom!”

Facebook has dropped a deal with Microsoft to show Bing web results for its search engine. Mostly because people don’t need Bing on Facebook because the only thing they are searching for is all the pictures of what their friends ate for breakfast.

The FBI is warning businesses to be on guard against cyber attacks from Iran. Apparently their technology is just slightly ahead of that of North Korea, which now has the capability of actually making prank phone calls.

Google says it has locked down personal data is has collected following revelations of NSA surveillance. The search engine feels that if the NSA wants its users’ personal information, they can be like Google’s advertisers and pay for it.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says the secret of his success is making lots of mistakes. As opposed to AT&T, which somehow has managed to stay in business by being one big mistake.

Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines has bought 55,000 Windows operated tablets for all its crew members. The cruise line obviously bought them because of their practicality. Mainly their ability to double as a floatation device in the event of a sinking.

A report says that most organizations don’t properly secure their sensitive data. The worst part is that the report wasn’t actually finished yet but was leaked online by the hackers who broke into the research company’s computers and stole it.

Brazil’s banks have been ranked as the biggest threat to be hit with malware. U.S. banks didn’t make the list since no one has actually done any online banking since all their accounts were wiped out back in 2008.

A cave in Israel shows evidence that humans discovered fire 350,000 years ago. Mostly from the cave drawings depicting the first argument over the setting of the thermostat.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only ten days left until Christmas. Which means there are only twenty days until the ads start showing up for the first markdown sales for Christmas 2015. The greatest Christmas present you could give me would be to make sure to tell all your friends about the blog. Especially any of you with a relative or friend who happens to produce a late night talk show. If that isn’t the case, it is still always an acceptable alternative to just keep sending the love!

Friday, December 12, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Texas Governor Rick Perry says running for President “Is not an IQ test.” Apparently neither is Congress, Governor, state legislatures, city councils or school boards.

Texas Governor Rick Perry says running for President “Is not an IQ test.” More obvious is the fact that neither is being qualified to go to the polls and cast a ballot.

A photo of Antelope Canyon in Arizona has sold for a record $6.5 Million. Apparently the person who bought it was unaware they could have pretty much done the same thing if they just had a cellphone.

A photo of Antelope Canyon in Arizona has sold for a record $6.5 Million. It was the most money ever generated from a picture of a large crevasse since Kim Kardashian’s backside.

Ryan Seacrest is set to produce a reality series which revolves around a main character  who is a transgender. Which is pretty much what people were saying all those years about “American Idol.”

A Wisconsin man claims that eating beer battered fish for lunch caused him to get his tenth DUI. That and the fact that he washed the lunch down with three bottles of wine.

A Wisconsin man claims that eating beer battered fish for lunch caused him to get his tenth DUI. Apparently his other favorite dishes are tequila chicken, bourbon beef tenderloin and rum cake.

A report says that more American families are going cashless. Not because they are into using credit cards and pay-by-phone, they just don’t have any money left.

A survey says that more Internet users than ever see online efforts as key to political campaigns. The hard part is getting their attention to political information and away from watching videos of a cat playing the piano or a hamster eating a cracker.

A poll says that 17% of Americans will not be buying any Christmas gifts. Those people are called your boss.

A poll says that 17% of Americans will not be buying any Christmas gifts. Mostly because they were too seriously injured by other shoppers when they tried to pick up some hot sale items on Black Friday.

CIA Director John Brennan says the agency was “unprepared” to run the enhanced interrogation program. Of course, the CIA was also not prepared for 9/11, the Bay of Pigs, the fall of the Soviet Union, no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq...

A restaurant worker in New York was awarded $13,000 in restitution after losing part of his arm cleaning a pasta machine. The jury was stunned by the case. There is a restaurant that cleans its pasta machine?

A restaurant worker in New York was awarded $13,000 in restitution after losing part of his arm cleaning a pasta machine. The worker says the accident turned his arm into spaghetti.

A restaurant worker in New York was awarded $13,000 in restitution after losing part of his arm cleaning a pasta machine. The restaurant is just glad it didn’t cost them an arm and a leg.

A vanity plate with a gay slur has been recalled in Alabama. State laws in Alabama say that license plates are only permitted to have racial slurs.

A Detroit financial adviser says the city’s post-bankruptcy plan is to be normal again. Which means in about another two months they will go right back into bankruptcy.

A Harvard professor has apologized for sending nasty e-mails to a Chinese restaurant that overcharged him by $4 on a $53 order. This coming from a man who works at a university that charges graduates $200,000 to get a piece of paper.

Discover Card is spending $35 Million on new credit cards that contain computer chips. The computer chips can be used to scan through a massive database to find the few businesses that actually still accept Discover.

A judge has refused to allow Donald Trump to go ahead with a fight in bankruptcy court to regain his luxury brand from the company that bought his Atlantic City casino. Apparently the judge figures any company dumb enough to use Trump’s name was going to end up in bankrupt sooner or later.

CBS has extended CEO Les Moonves’ contract through 2019. He is 65 now, which means when the contract expires he will still be about 15 years younger than the age of the average CBS viewer.

CBS has extended CEO Les Moonves’ contract through 2019. That will give Moonves time to achieve his goal of extending the “NCIS” franchise to New York, San Francisco, Miami, Seattle and Poughkeepsie.

A report says that salaries around the world will go up an average of 5.4% in 2015. Meaning that executive salaries will be going up 3,000% while the rest of us will be taking another pay cut.

A study says that non-mortgage debt is the biggest drag to home ownership. Mostly the tuition loans that people will take 30 years to pay off before they can get the job they always wanted that would pay enough for them to be able to buy a house.

Boeing is at risk for missing the delivery goal for their 787 jets because of a delay in getting luxury seats. These days, a luxury seat on a jetliner means one that the average passenger can fit into without using a shoe horn or needing a stick of butter.

A startup company has devised technology that allows parents to control their children’s Internet usage. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the “off” switch.

SeaWorld CEO Jim Atchison is stepping down from his post. His severance package will include his pension plan, stock options and a bucket of fish every day for life.

An early Apple 1 computer sold by Steve Jobs was auctioned for $365,000. Apparently the buyer thought it was worth it to have a computer that didn’t operate with Windows.

Scientists say they understand why bad memories tend to linger. For men it is mostly because their wives are always there to make sure to constantly remind them of anything they have ever done wrong.

Scientists say they understand why bad memories tend to linger. For people in Chicago, it is the fact that it’s hard to go anywhere in the city without being able to catch a glimpse of Wrigley Field.

A study says that 84% of vegetarians go back to eating meat, most within a year. The other 16% say their trips to Taco Bell and McDonald’s don’t count until someone can actually identify what they are serving as actual meat.

A study says that virtually all U.S. high school students are sleep deprived. Kids know there is always one way to catch up on at least one hour of lost sleep. Math class.

A report says that superbugs could kill 10 Million people by 2050. That’s assuming that the obesity epidemic will leave that many people alive by 2050.

A report says that 16 Million kids in the U.S. can buy e-cigarettes even though they are not safe. Which isn’t that much of a concern since they are also able to find ways to buy beer, tobacco, marijuana and pharmaceutical drugs.

Churches in Maryland are helping spread the word about the Obamacare signup deadline. Churches are involved mostly because before the ACA most people’s only available health insurance policy was to pray they didn’t get sick.

An actor who appeared on “Sons of Anarchy” has been charged with killing and eating his ex’s pet rabbit. His defense is that he was getting ready to rehearse for the show and accidentally grabbed a copy of the script for “Fatal Attraction.”

Pop singer Ariana Grande reportedly demands her staff carry her like a baby when she is tired. Adele reportedly tried that but OSHA said only if she supplied her entire staff with hernia belts.

Felony weapons charges have been dropped against rapper Young Jeezy. Apparently Young Jeezy was able to convince prosecutors that for rappers, firearms are to be considered part of the creative process.

A NASCAR fan who climbed the fence at a race in Richmond was sentenced to a year in prison. Who did he think was running NASCAR, Roger Goodell?

Former Phoenix Suns forward Richard Dumas has pleaded guilty to robbery. At least he finally achieved his goal of leading the league in steals.

A study says that 74% of the world’s countries do not protect women from online harassment. The other 26% apparently don’t have Internet dating sites.

Microsoft is set to reveal its new Windows 10 on January 21st. Which means that people with Windows Vista will be able to see the presentation when their computers reboot sometime in March.

Researchers say that the Internet was less free and equal in 2014. Especially for the people who are still paying money for AOL and are waiting for downloads they started in 2012.

Researchers say that the U.S. has fallen to 6th place in the world for Internet freedom. Most Americans are not afraid whether anything they are doing online is seen by the NSA. They know the trouble only starts when they are caught by their wife.

Japanese automakers have expanded their passenger airbag recalls. Which means that after all these years, GM has finally met their goal of achieving the same quality standards of foreign cars.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is asking parents not to ban their kids from Facebook. What he doesn’t understand is that kids left Facebook long ago when their parents finally figured out how to sign up.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s Friday, and there are only two more shopping weekends to go before Christmas. Or as men call Christmas shopping, racing through the mall on December 24th. When you are getting ready to shop for me, just remember it is easy to buy for the man who has nothing. At least when it comes to clever punchlines. But you will always have the right gift in mind when you take the time to just send the love!