Wednesday, February 26, 2020

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says Iran’s elections are set to be dominated by hardliners. What in Iran isn’t dominated by hardliners?

Feds are seeking a 21 month prison sentence for the heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune in the college admissions scandal. It looks like even deep pockets can’t bail out Hot Pockets.

The Dow Jones dropped 1,000 points on Monday which is blamed on the coronavirus. In stock market lexicon it could become known as the “Viral spiral.”

The Dow Jones average dropped nearly 2,000 points in two days. Making the Dow Jones way below average.

Experts say the coronavirus is a “catalyst” to boost China’s massive surveillance machine. Which won’t do much good for facial recognition when everyone is wearing a mask.

A report says the economy is booming while workers are treading water. Which is better than during the mortgage meltdown in 2008 when everyone was underwater.

A report says the economy is booming while workers are treading water, with buying power the same as in 1978. Which is why it’s not uncommon to see people still driving a 1978 Mercury.

Chuck Schumer says he has spent nearly $9,000 on cheesecake over the years. That’s the most spent on cheesecake since Donald Trump paid $130,000 to Stormy Daniels.

Donald Trump stumbled over the names of Indian cricket greats in a talk in India. Which is why after he made the gaffes all that could be heard were crickets.

Donald Trump stumbled over the names of Indian cricket greats in a talk in India. Which the White House immediately blamed on a sticky wicket.

A judge ruled Instacart mislabeled workers in California. Instead of independent contractors they should have been called indentured servants.

Legendary Columbo Family capo John "Sonny" Franzese has died at 103. Calling him Sonny is almost as bad as calling a 50 year “Kid” Rock.

A study says 51% of employers still judge job applicants based on appearance. Which in Hollywood is now known as the “Weinstein Syndrome.”

Jeff Bezos has committed $10 Billion to fight climate change. Which could have instead gone to better use fighting poverty for the people working at Amazon.

A report tells how the IRS knows who cheats on taxes. Meaning those who don’t file returns are definitely cheating, and those who do file returns are more than likely cheating.

TurboTax maker Intuit is buying Credit Karma for $7 Billion. Meaning the people running TurboTax must have gotten one huge refund this year.

Judge Judy is vowing to fight Bernie Sanders and his supporters “to the death.” Meaning anyone showing up in her TV courtroom with a Bernie hat will be looking at the death penalty.

A New Jersey doctor admits prescribing opioids without a medical purpose. Other than the fact he feels he needs to have a Mercedes Benz to drive between his office and beach house.

Harvey Weinstein was taken to Bellevue Hospital with chest pain and palpitations after his conviction. Meaning his mode of transportation just went from walker to gurney.

Harvey Weinstein was taken to Bellevue Hospital with chest pain and palpitations after his conviction. That’s because he is now worried his cellmates may not care at all about #MeToo.

Deontay Wilder blames his loss to Tyson Fury on his 45 pound costume he wore into the ring. The good news being he could be next week’s contestant on “The Masked Singer.”

A Bayou explorer ended up trapped in a Houston sewer. Which anyone who has ever been to the Bayou knows they are pretty much the same thing.

A Bayou explorer ended up trapped in a Houston sewer. The sad part being up until he was rescued, he was convinced he had just discovered Houston.

A website is offering $636 to watch all 24 “James Bond” movies in 24 days. Which could end up with them seeing a “View to a Kill” from heart disease from not leaving the couch for a month.

A website is offering $636 to watch all 24 “James Bond” movies in 24 days. Which will mean they will be getting some gold for their remote finger.

A Disneyland fan says he lost 150 pounds walking the park. The reality is he’s from England and spent 150 pounds on snacks and souvenirs.

To reduce debt, Cumulus Media is considering selling 250 tower sites. Thinking they will get that much means they must just have their head in the clouds.

To reduce debt, Cumulus Media is considering selling 250 tower sites. Meaning that would be the cumulative price.

71% of Americans say their health and wellness is good or excellent. That’s just by comparison to the other 29% who are morbidly obese or chronically ill.

71% of Americans say their health and wellness is good or excellent. The other 29% couldn’t answer the survey because they are currently in a coma.

A study says most young women are unhappy and stressed with their sex lives. Mostly because the only people with enough money to take them out on dates are creepy old geezers.

A Washington State runner who broke his ankle on a remote trail crawled 8 hours to get a signal to call 911. The sad part is he used Sprint and the only way to get their faster would be to sprint.

A Washington State runner who broke his ankle on a remote trail crawled 8 hours to get a signal to call 911. The question being he couldn’t have hopped on his good foot?

Uber has launched a feature allowing riders to report unsafe behavior in real time. Which usually starts right about the time they hit the “Summon” button.

Uber has launched a feature allowing riders to report unsafe behavior in real time. Especially when they call for a ride from a bar and their driver comes out of the same place.

HP has launched a stock buyback plan to fend off a Xerox takeover. They are worried they will just try to turn their company into a duplicate.

HP has launched a stock buyback plan to fend off a Xerox takeover. People were surprised. Both those companies are still in business?

HP has launched a stock buyback plan to fend off a Xerox takeover. That’s about as relevant as RadioShack trying to buy Blockbuster.

Katie Holmes is selling her L.A. home for $4.6 Million. Everything inside is in great shape except for the couch that is worn from being constantly jumped on.

A Syrian father taught his daughter to laugh when bombs fall. Which is the opposite of comedians who bomb when there is absolutely no laughter.

70 animals were rescued from a Florida house because of unsanitary conditions. Which were possibly caused from having 70 animals inside the house.

A single bullet fired at a Texas flea market sent seven people to the hospital. The only thing anyone could say about it was “Good shot!”

Mick Mulvaney skipped the trip to India with Donald Trump because of a cold. Apparently he learned his lesson when he got kicked out of the Oval Office for just coughing once.

Amid the coronavirus outbreak in China, a ban has been called on consumption and trading of wild animals. It’s so bad there, all the zoos in China are now known as “What’s for dinner.”

Pot use for Americans 65 and older has doubled in the past three years. Mostly to try to cope with their 42 year old child still living in the basement.

The WHO says the coronavirus is not a pandemic yet. They usually reserve that designation and wait to react to it until it becomes completely out of control.

The WHO says the coronavirus is not a pandemic yet. Although it reached official crisis level for Donald Trump when the Dow Jones dropped 2,000 points in two days.

A report says the coronavirus could cause a drug shortage in America. Meaning we may have finally found a way to slow down our drug use problem.

The Dow Jones dropped 2,000 points in two days. Which Donald Trump is planning to get back by calling for a tariff on all diseases and germs coming out of China.

The Michigan football team has canceled its spring trip out of fear of the coronavirus. Meaning an economic disaster is imminent when the disease gets bad enough to affect spring break.

The Astros were greeted with boos on their first away game of spring training. It was so loud the hitters could barely hear someone hitting a garbage can.

Major League Baseball will try robotic umpires for balls and strikes during spring training. To show robots are not perfect, just look at how well HAL worked out in “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

A Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona suspended his campaign after a heroin overdose. Which he is now touting as his solution to the opioid epidemic.

Amy Klobuchar released her medical report saying she is in “very good health.” Unfortunately, it turns out her campaign was just declared DOA.

Donald Trump says he wants “no help” from any country in the 2020 election. Especially here in the U.S. where his popularity is still hovering around 40%.

Donald Trump says he wants “no help” from any country in the 2020 election. He says he will accept help from a city, but only if it is Moscow.

Donald Trump says a purge of disloyal staffers is for the “good of the country.” Although he is being a bit extreme with the purge meaning offenders will be taken outside and shot.

An Ohio man is challenging his arrest of possessing a weapon while intoxicated. Now what could possibly go wrong with that scenario?

An Ohio man is challenging his arrest of possessing a weapon while intoxicated. Apparently he sees no problem with drinking a few rounds and then shooting off a few rounds.

Bernie Sanders still won’t release his complete medical history. Apparently he doesn’t want it revealed he is so old it contains records of his bloodlettings and analysis of bodily humours.

Bernie Sanders still won’t release his complete medical history. Mostly because at his age and with his ailments it now contains more pages than the federal tax code.

An FBI official says Russia wants to see the U.S. “tear ourselves apart.” Meaning they will let us finish what they started back in 2016.

San Jose has the top percentage of people with a six figure income at 28%. Meaning the other 72% who can afford to live there are in the seven figure range.

San Jose has the top percentage of people with a six figure income at 28%. Which in the Silicon Valley, having a six figure income puts them in the category of the working poor.

A study says the hardest working city in the U.S. is Anchorage, Alaska. Mostly from people there having to constantly be moving around on the job just to keep from freezing to death.

A study says the least hardest working city in the U.S. is Detroit. Mostly because anyone there who has a job would have taken the money they saved and moved somewhere else by now.

A study says oil and gas companies invest money in members of Congress with voting records against the environment. Which means in this case, “invest” is interchangeable with “bribe.”

That’s it for now, Oh faithful Readers! Another day of jokes mostly about the coronavirus. That can’t be good. At least it’s not to the point where it is too serious to be able to make some jokes about it. That is the kind of humor we don’t need right now. Or ever. If you haven’t tried out my daily comedy podcast News Jokes By Jim by now, what’s the problem? It has all these jokes only read by myself along with some running commentary. Check it out here:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-2-24-2020/id1416271102?i=1000466516586  Make sure to subscribe and be a pal and spread the word to your friends. Also, give a look at my website for my run for the West Virginia House of Delegates. That can be found here:  https://www.jimbarachforhouseofdelegates.com/  Check it out and let me know what you think. You could also click on the donate button and send a few dollars my way to keep the dream alive. Along with my fledgling political career. Other than that, all I ever ask from you is to make sure to occasionally remember to always keep on sending the love!


Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump visited India in front of a crowd estimated at 100,000. It was interesting to see all his supporters there showing up with their red MAGA bindis on their foreheads.


Donald Trump visited India in front of a crowd estimated at 100,000. Although in a country of 1.3 Billion people, a group of 100,000 is pretty much called “passersby.”


Pete Buttigieg alleges there were “irregularities” in the Nevada caucuses. Which is a slight improvement over the “total disaster” the Democrats made out of Iowa.


Acting Director of National Intelligence Richard Grenell is the highest ranking openly gay official in U.S. government history. To which Pete Buttigieg is saying “Just wait until November!”


A report says 1 in 3 Venezuelans are facing hunger. That’s because the other two don’t have a couple helpings of fried goliath birdeater tarantulas on their plates.


A report says 1 in 3 Venezuelans are facing hunger. Which is what happens when you are in a country where one of the national dishes is cow lung.


40,000 bees attacked police and firefighters in California. Police say they have never been involved in a sting operation that large.


A report says the 2020 Tokyo Olympics could be affected by the coronavirus. Until now infections in the Olympic Village could be mostly controlled with condoms.


Donald Trump is visiting India where he has an approval rating of 56%. The people there like him because for the most part they aren’t black, Hispanic or Muslims.


Donald Trump is visiting India where he has an approval rating of 56%. Mostly because polls say they would much rather be invaded by the U.S. than Russia or China.


A study says shorter men have a better chance of developing dementia. Mostly from trying to forget their size by lying and telling everyone that they are 6’2” instead of 5’4”.


A Staten Island doctor is suing an ex-worker for writing bad reviews on Google. The first problem is a doctor who depends on getting patients who look up their reviews on Google.


A Staten Island doctor is suing an ex-worker for writing bad reviews on Google. The ironic part is that they are an eye doctor and never saw that coming.


A survey says 80% of people in the arts fear controversial opinions risk professional ostracization. Mostly because anymore, no one is interested in hearing anyone else’s opinions.


A survey says 80% of people in the arts fear controversial opinions risk professional ostracization. The moral being if you don’t want to be ostracized, get your head out of the sand.


Daredevil “Mad Mike” Hughes was killed in an attempt to launch a homemade rocket. Critics call it the worst sequel ever for “Rocketman.”


Daredevil “Mad Mike” Hughes was killed in an attempt to launch a homemade rocket. The good news being he still has a better track record than Jeff Bezos’ Blue Horizon.


MIT scientists have created an AI program on what to do if an asteroid threatens to smash into Earth. Which at that point is to have everyone bend over and kiss their backsides goodbye.


MIT scientists have created an AI program on what to do if an asteroid threatens to smash into Earth. Mostly to deal with everyone asking if there is still time to sign up for the Mars mission.


Giorgio Armani says the fashion industry is “raping” women with sex-driven marketing. The question being what does he call charging those same women $8,000 for just one dress?


A study says smart speakers listen to conversations 19 times a day. The worst part being when someone asks the time and Alexa plays “Time After Time,” “Time in a Bottle” and “Time Has Come Today.”


A coronavirus infection was reported at a Samsung factory in South Korea. It made for the most panic associated with Samsung since they were still making the Galaxy Note 7.

Hawaiian Airlines was named the most punctual airline in the U.S. But just because they are the only airline that actually takes off and arrives on the same day flights are scheduled.


Hawaiian Airlines was named the most punctual airline in the U.S. Especially on flights going to Hawaii because there is no way passengers will be showing up late and risk being left behind.


Piers Morgan called out Harry and Meghan for their “staggering disrespect” of the Queen after complaining about having to drop “royal” from their brand. Which is understandable because if they lose that, what else is there they can actually do?


Piers Morgan called out Harry and Meghan for their “staggering disrespect” of the Queen after complaining about having to drop “royal” from their brand. To him it may be disrespecting the Queen but to Harry it’s just a row with his grandmum.


A survey says three fourths of Bay Area residents think the quality of life there is worse than five years ago. Just how long will it take those people to put Super Bowl LIV behind them?


A survey says three fourths of Bay Area residents think the quality of life there is worse than five years ago. The final straw will be if they see one more guy in a man bun ordering avocado toast.


Greyhound will stop allowing Border Patrol agents on their buses without a search warrant. It turns out immigrants like Greyhound because they think the name implies it goes fast.


Tim Tebow says he would rather be known for saving babies than winning Super Bowls. Which is good because he has a lot better chance at the first option than the second.


Boxer Tyson Fury appeared to lick blood off the neck of Deontay Wilder in their fight. Meaning to make things more even, Fury’s next bout will have to be against Mike Tyson.


Flights were disrupted in the Canary Islands from a sandstorm originating in the Sahara Desert. How bad is it when communications are down and it’s impossible to tweet from the Canaries? 


Flights were disrupted in the Canary Islands from a sandstorm originating in the Sahara Desert. Visibility was so bad it was like being in a coal mine in the Canaries.


A second person was killed by a float in the lead up to New Orleans’ Mardi Gras. Although it’s better than the rest of the year when they average 25 people getting shot every night.


Ryan Newman says he suffered a head injury in his Daytona 500 crash. Meaning for once he felt less like a NASCAR driver and more like a fan.


A plan to move coronavirus patients to Alabama was canceled because of residents’ concerns. It was fixed when Donald Trump used a Sharpie to draw the quarantine zone around Alabama.


A plan to move coronavirus patients to Alabama was canceled because of residents’ concerns. Mostly because people agree sending the sick to Alabama should be reserved for the plague.


Law students say they avoid mental health treatment out of fear of being kept from becoming lawyers. Although the first sign of mental illness is wanting to actually become an attorney.


Law students say they avoid mental health treatment out of fear of being kept from becoming lawyers. Look how long it’s taken even someone as successful as Rudy Giuliani to get help.


Fashion stylist Jessica Mulroney is denying registering a charity website for Harry and Meghan. So it’s now come down to charity to be able to get them into that $7 Million home in Malibu.


Fashion stylist Jessica Mulroney is denying registering a charity website for Harry and Meghan. The question after leaving the Royal Family is will they be collecting or receiving the charity?


Tori Spelling says her kids have been through “so much bullying” from other children. Mostly the children who are getting their behavior from watching reruns of “Beverly Hills 90210.”


Tori Spelling says her kids have been through “so much bullying” from other children. They just have to be better about selecting the proper designer names for their jeans, jackets and shoes.


“Married At First Sight” star Michael Watson says he “doesn’t trust his wife Meka Jones.” Which is so sad that he wasn’t able to spot it in the five minutes he knew her before getting married.


“Married At First Sight” star Michael Watson says he “doesn’t trust his wife Meka Jones.” Which is why having that second date before tying the knot can be so important to a marriage.


Children up to 12 in the UK have been banned from heading soccer balls in practice. Although young Scottish hooligans can still practice hitting each other over the head with beer bottles.


A sports court in Switzerland began its hearing on the doping case of a Portuguese cyclist facing a four year ban. He didn’t help himself by biking 1,000 miles to the hearing in six hours.


A survey says Olympic elite athletes struggle financially. Which is ironic the ones actually making a good living are those who act like Ryan Lochte, Bode Miller and Shaun White.


A survey says Olympic elite athletes struggle financially. Although on the other hand it’s a lot easier to get in the Olympics when your sport is handball, rowing and table tennis.


The Milwaukee Bucks became the fastest team ever to sew up an NBA playoff berth. Which is still way longer than it usually takes the Knicks to get mathematically eliminated.


The Milwaukee Bucks became the fastest team ever to sew up an NBA playoff berth. Which is mostly because they just happen to be in the same division as the Bulls, Pistons and Cavs.


D-Back Madison Bumgarner has been using an alias to participate as a team roper in rodeos. He gives a whole new meaning to a pitcher being sent to the bullpen.


D-Back Madison Bumgarner has been using an alias to participate as a team roper in rodeos. He would have used the pseudonym in baseball, but only if he was traded to the Tigers.


D-Back Madison Bumgarner has been using an alias to participate as a team roper in rodeos. He gave himself away by only throwing the rope after using a rosin bag.


Former CBS golf analyst Peter Kostis says he saw Patrick Reed cheat by improving his lie. The giveaway was every time he got over a putt there was the sound of a trash can being hit.


The “Miracle On Ice” team defended their appearance at a Donald Trump rally. Especially with hockey being put in jeopardy with Trump’s climate denial that could result in all rink ice melting.


Johnny Manziel says he has “zero interest to play any football.” Which is good as that matches the number of offers he has coming in at any level.


Johnny Manziel says he has “zero interest to play any football.” The only chance he has now is if he somehow didn’t use up all his college eligibility at Texas A&M.


Viktor Hovland has become the first Norwegian winner on the PGA Tour. Since metal clubs took over the market, it’s too bad he can’t give any credit to his Norwegian woods.


A London couple was jailed for selling concert tickets at inflated prices. Apparently neither of them had the last name “Ticketmaster.”


Derek Jeter calls the Astros cheating scandal a “black eye” for the sport. Which really hurts coming from the person who is the CEO of the Miami Marlins.


Concerns have been brought up about Joe Burrow’s smaller than normal hand size in the NFL. If nothing else, it can help eventually land him a job in the White House.


Concerns have been brought up about Joe Burrow’s smaller than normal hand size in the NFL. But Tom Brady says he can show him how to make the footballs smaller so they fit better.


A survey says 6 in 10 Americans say congressional representatives should be reelected. Which is really strange considering 9 out of 10 say they should all be put in jail.


Harvey Weinstein was convicted of criminal sex acts. He claims the women slept with him to advance their careers. So his claim is he did nothing illegal, he is just a creepy guy who should have never been given any job where he is around any other humans.


The TSA is preventing employees from using TikTok for social media posts. Mostly because whenever someone at an airport says “TikTok” it sounds too much like they have a time bomb.


Spiritual guru Marianne Williamson is endorsing Bernie Sanders. Mostly because at 78 and after a heart attack, he is the closest of all the candidates to becoming a spirit.


A study says alcohol ads are encouraging teens to drink. As opposed to political ads that are driving everyone to drink.


A study says pot use is rising for people over 65. How bad is it when people want to relive what it was like to be around back in the 1960s?


A study says pot use is rising for people over 65. Mostly the people who feel the only real relief for joint pain is a joint.


A study says dining alone can make people eat less. The only problem is the reason for that is they are so lonely they become depressed and just start drinking more.


A University of Iowa professor is looking for older adults for a medicinal marijuana study about the chances of them falling. They still fall, the difference is after smoking pot they just don’t care.


A University of Iowa professor is looking for older adults for a medicinal marijuana study about the chances of them falling. The only thing is any volunteers have to supply their own pizza.


A study says the online market is rife with unsafe and illegal items. Which is pretty much describing the inventory at Walmart.com, eBay and Amazon.


A study says eating fruit, vegetables and cheese lowers the risk of having a stroke. The proof being when is the last time you have ever seen a rat in a wheelchair?


A study says immigrants fuel the New York economy. Mostly for the fact that without cabs or Uber it’s pretty tough to get anywhere around town.


A study says immigrants fuel the New York economy. Just try and get your garbage picked up without someone giving the right amount of bribe money to the local mob boss.


A study at Children’s Hospital in Colorado says there has been an increase in trampoline injuries. The good news is kids getting hurt that way seem to always be able to bounce back.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Keeping those jokes coming along for your entertainment is my job. Except at most jobs, people actually get paid. Well, maybe one of these days. I just really enjoy it. If you enjoy reading the jokes, you might want to try listening to me read them to you on my daily comedy podcast News Jokes By Jim. Here’s the link:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-2-24-2020/id1416271102?i=1000466516586  Make sure to subscribe and don’t hesitate to tell all your friends. I should also be on Josh Gaffin’s radio show this afternoon at 12:15 Eastern time on 88.1 FM WTSQ in Charleston, West Virginia. If you aren’t in town just dial it up on wtsq.org online and you can hear it anywhere on the planet. We will have some great punk and new wave music and it’s always a lot of fun. Also, check out my campaign website as I run for the West Virginia House of Delegates. I am at https://www.jimbarachforhouseofdelegates.com/  You might want to hit the donate button if you are in a generous mood and throw a few dollars my way. The only other thing I ever ask from you is to occasionally remember to always keep on sending the love!