Sunday, May 01, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Wasteland Weekend, a post-apocalyptic festival held in the California desert will be held in September. That month was chosen to give people a couple of months to get used to what things will be like after Donald Trump is elected President in November.

A company claims its new cat collar can translate meows to human speech. Which means it can say “Feed me,” “leave me alone” and “If you need me, I’ll be right here sleeping for the next 20 hours.”

A British doctor says that someone who has already been born will live to be 1,000. To which Larry King is saying “It’s been done.”

A British doctor says that someone who has already been born will live to be 1,000. Which is good news for the young children today who will need that much time to pay off their college tuition loans.

Vogue is using a 100 year old model on its pages for the first time. No one had any idea the latest fashion trend was the return of bloomers.

Vogue is using a 100 year old model on its pages for the first time. The fashion shoot was reportedly difficult at times, but the photographer was finally able to get her to give in to showing a little ankle.

Ted Cruz’ father says his son decided to run for President after God spoke to his wife. People are doubting the claim. Even God would worry about what would happen to his reputation if people knew he was socializing with a Wall Street investment banker.

Ted Cruz’ father says his son decided to run for President after God spoke to his wife. Although it was a little awkward when God approached her and the conversation started off with “So, how’s life being married to Lucifer in the flesh?”

A report says on the eve of government default, Puerto Ricans are broke and out of luck. Which is Puerto Rico is pretty much known as “Tuesday.”

Atlantic City is reportedly on the verge of default. You know things are bad there when they start asking Puerto Rico for financial advice.

Atlantic City is reportedly on the verge of default. The good news is that if we elect Donald Trump President, we have some breathing room knowing there was a 30 year span between starting his first casino there and the financial meltdown.

A study says a small amount of chocolate can fight diabetes and heart disease. The only problem is that a small amount of chocolate is what most Americans call “breakfast.”

A study says that repeating messages over social media makes people stupid by eliminating the need for any original ideas. The bad part is the results of the study have now already been retweeted five million times.

A fan of the show “CSI” used what she learned watching the show to help solve a murder in Spain. It’s just unfortunate that the show wasn’t around in 1994 and that investigators on the O.J. Simpson case only had access to episodes of “Scooby Doo.”

A fan of the show “CSI” used knowledge from watching the show to help solve a murder in Spain. The difference with “CSI: Spain” is that every murder is committed with some lances, a sword and a red cape.

Airlines are now making travelers pay extra to avoid sitting in the middle seat. The only problem is now the people in the aisle and window seats will be sitting next to someone who everyone knows couldn’t afford to sit anywhere better.

Airlines are now making travelers pay extra to avoid sitting in the middle seat. Mostly because it is worth it to sit on the aisle or window seat and only have to fight the person next to you for one of the arm rests.

A report says Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer could get $55 Million in severance pay if the company is sold. Which finally answers the question as to the origin of the company’s name.

A Seattle winery is starting to sell its wine in cans. Apparently it’s for connoisseurs who feel that drinking wine from a box is too pretentious.

A Seattle winery is starting to sell its wine in cans. Although it just sounds strange to hear someone say “Can you pick me up a six pack of Chateau Margaux?”

ExxonMobil reported its smallest quarterly profit in 16 years. To which most businesses that started up after the year 2000 are saying “What’s a profit?”

A poll says that half of Americans think when they retire they won’t have enough money to live comfortably. Mostly because they can’t afford to live comfortably while they are still working three jobs trying to make ends meet.

A poll says that half of Americans think when they retire they won’t have enough money to live comfortably. The other half are pretty sure their retirement party will coincide with their funeral.

A startup called “Getaround” lets people share their cars when they are not using them. Although anyone who has ever driven a rental car will balk at the thought of letting someone else treat their car the same way.

A startup called “Getaround” lets people share their cars when they are not using them. The only problem is giving your car over to a perfect stranger for several hours knowing what can happen when the valet parking attendant has it for only a few minutes.

An old article was discovered showing poet Walt Whitman promoted a Paleo-type of diet consisting of mostly meat back in the 19th century. Which is interesting as most people thought anyone calling a collection of poems “Leaves of Grass” was a vegetarian.

A study says children born to older women tend to grow up taller, fitter and more educated. Which is no surprise seeing what it would be like to be raised by any of the stars of “Teen Mom.”

Passengers on a cruise ship docked in Virginia had to be quarantined for norovirus. Or as being quarantined for norovirus is called on Carnival Cruise Lines, the muster drill.

The FDA is reconsidering painkiller training for doctors. Which up to this point was pretty much giving them a pen and prescription pad.

The FDA is reconsidering painkiller training for doctors. The only problem is the only way most doctors can make it through an FDA training session is by taking a half bottle of Oxyctontin.

Belgium has issued iodine pills to all its citizens as part of a nuclear emergency plan. Even Europe is taking the necessary precautions for what could happen if Donald Trump becomes President.

Woody Harrelson was not chosen as one of the people to be a licensed pot dealer in Hawaii. So, for now he will just have to go back to selling it out of the back of his 1974 Valiant in a parking lot off Hollywood Boulevard.

Alec Baldwin is set to host a reboot on ABC of “The Match Game.” Mostly so he can use the panelist jobs to finally get some work for his brothers Danny, Stephen and Billy.

Alec Baldwin is set to host a reboot on ABC of “The Match Game.” The irony is that the questions on the show won’t use the word “blank” as many times as someone reading the transcripts of one of his phone calls to his kids.

Kylie Jenner says she has paid for everything she has over the past five years, including clothes, cars and houses. Which must sit well with other 18 year olds who are hoping they can scrimp up enough cash from their part time job to buy an iTunes card.

Some nuns are disputing the court decision allowing Katy Perry to buy their convent from the Catholic Church. Apparently they mean business as their legal team is being headed by the left shark.

Some nuns are disputing the court decision allowing Katy Perry to buy their convent from the Catholic Church. The nuns think they can overturn the judge’s decision using legal precedent, the power of prayer and the threat of taking a ruler to his knuckles.

Shia LeBeouf has apologized to the person who was assaulted because he looks like the actor. Although the victim is more interested in LeBeouf apologizing for making both volumes of “Nimphomaniac.”

“Property Brothers” star Jonathan Scott was removed by bouncers after being in a bar fight in North Dakota. Now the only fixer-upper he is dealing with is his reputation for being seen in a bar in North Dakota.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says Laremy Tunsil should have been arrested at the NFL draft after pictures surfaced of him wearing a gas mask to use a bong. It turns out Tunsil keeps the gas mask around just in case he ever winds up at the same buffet restaurant with Chris Christie.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says Laremy Tunsil should have been arrested at the NFL draft after pictures surfaced of him wearing a gas mask with a bong. Although shouldn’t that be a doctor’s diagnosis when it comes to removing a Tunsil?

Mark Zuckerberg says Artificial Intelligence will help diagnose diseases easier and faster using the Internet. Especially any medical conditions caused from sitting in a chair while staring at a computer screen all day.

Cadillac is introducing a full display rearview mirror that uses a camera like a periscope to avoid the driver’s vision being blocked by passengers in the back seat. Which is sad to think the biggest blind spot for drivers is now the fat relatives they have to shuttle back and forth to the Old Country Buffet.

A Berkeley, California chiropractor is warning patients that their data may have been breached. Apparently the patients’ biggest concern is the embarrassment they will face when word gets out they are getting their medical advice from a chiropractor.

A secret court overseeing government surveillance requests accepted every warrant they were handed last year. Mostly because they know the people’s rights to privacy are not in danger as long as the requests to access information is coming from the FBI.

A weasel caused a power outage that temporarily shut down the world’s largest atom smasher in Switzerland. It was the biggest disruption ever caused by a weasel since 2013 when the government was shut down by Ted Cruz.

The “Ghostbusters” remake is the most hated trailer ever on Youtube, with more than a half million dislikes. The only way it could have been worse is if the movie starred Gwyneth Paltrow, was directed by Woody Allen and had a music score by Justin Bieber.

The White House has released a report on how to use technology to develop smart guns. Although there will always be a problem as long as the guns keep ending up in the hands of dumb people.

NASA says a gold plated mirror on the successor to the Hubble Telescope will help scientists see 13.5 Billion years in the past. It will be the biggest gold plated mirror ever used other than the one in Wayne Newton’s private dressing room.

Researchers say they have found a way to make a renewable electricity source using human pee. When the process is perfected, the bank will be telling those researchers “Urine the money!”

The Supreme Court has approved a rule change that expands the FBI’s hacking powers. Now all they have to do is get someone to show the FBI how to hack into something more complicated than a “Hello Kitty” MP3 player.

A study says that hyenas may have feasted on ancient human relatives 500,000 years ago. Laughing wasn’t associated with meal time for people again until the 1950s when Jerry Lewis started doing dinner shows six nights a week in Las Vegas.

A report says that most Republican politicians are not interested in running as Donald Trump’s vice presidential candidate. Even Sarah Palin isn’t interested, asking how do you go any more rogue than that guy?

Some Satanists say they are offended by John Boehner calling Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh.” How bad is it when you have even lost the Devil worshipper vote on moral grounds?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is now May, which means we are roughly six months away from the presidential election. So still plenty of time to get your things in order. At least I will be able to have an easy time with all the material I am provided before the nation finally implodes. And yes, it still means you have several months ahead of you to make sure to remember to always send the love!

Friday, April 29, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Curt Schilling says ESPN is biased against political conservatives. He has a point. Look how many times they have brought Keith Olbermann back every time they fire him.

Curt Schilling says ESPN is biased against political conservatives. At least the ones who keep posting dumb and offensive tweets.

A report says the biggest risks to humanity over the next five years are asteroids, super volcanoes and other “unknown risks.” The biggest threat will still be labeled as an unknown threat until we know for sure if Donald Trump will be elected President.

A poll says that Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are tied with 38% of voters supporting each. The other 24% couldn’t take the survey as they were too busy packing their bags for the move to another country.

A survey says that 86% of campaign reporters say that Hillary Clinton will be the next President. Those are mostly the reporters who are covering the other campaigns and have to listen to what Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina are saying every day.

A study says having lots of friends is a better painkiller than morphine. Especially if your best friends are Ozzy Osbourne, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen.

A report says Facebook spends $5 Million a year on security for Mark Zuckerberg. Which seems kind of odd for someone who claims to have nearly two billion friends.

The University of Washington cheerleading squad is under fire for posting how candidates should dress for tryouts. Mostly because anyone trying out for the pep squad in Washington should show up in rain pants and galoshes with an umbrella.

A study says that U.S. teen births have dropped 40% in the past ten years. The main reasons are the cancellation of “16 and Pregnant,” “Teen Mom” and “Teen Mom 2.”

A report says medical workers are at a high risk of assault from patients. Mostly the ones who fail to get out of the room when the patients are given their hospital bills.

Physical trainers say the case is getting stronger for people to do a one minute intense workout instead of longer moderate exercise. Mostly because one minute is the longest time most people can be pried from the couch and separated from their bag of chips.

Critics are calling for the FDA to ban concentrated caffeine. Which is ironic as the FDA workers would have done it long ago but just don’t seem to have the energy needed to complete the paperwork.

A study says that hearing aids may help keep seniors’ minds sharp. Mostly so they can have conversations with someone other than the voices in their head.

A study says that hearing aids may help keep seniors’ minds sharp. Mostly when they realize why they never have any money when they hear their kids talking about cashing grandpa’s Social Security checks.

A study says that hearing aids may help keep seniors’ minds sharp. The only problem is that they will now be able to hear those TV commercials telling them they need to sign up now for a reverse mortgage.

A group of British doctors is recommending people use e-cigarettes to stop smoking. Which is kind of like telling an alcoholic they need to just drink light beer.

A group of Senators had some harsh words for pharmaceutical company executives over the soaring cost of drugs. To which the executives are saying “Aren’t you the people paying $100 Million for one F-35 fighter jet?”

A group of Senators had some harsh words for pharmaceutical company executives over the soaring cost of drugs. To which the executives are saying they would lower the prices if they had the luxury of running up an $18 Trillion deficit like Congress.

A scene in the new “Angry Birds” movie encourages people to take out their cellphones. Although the bad part is that people already have their phones out to play “Angry Birds” while they wait for the movie to finally be over.

Kendall and Kylie Jenner are set to launch a new swimwear line. People were surprised. There are women in the Kardashian family to go poolside wearing something other than sunscreen?

Caitlyn Jenner took Donald Trump up on his offer to use the women’s restroom in Trump Tower and posted a video on Facebook. People now look back to when Facebook was only pictures of what people had for breakfast and cat videos and thought that really wasn’t such a bad time.

The Oakland Raiders have committed to Las Vegas with a pledge of $500 Million for a new stadium. That is just for the building and field. The city will pick up the cost of installing the slot machines and buffet dining room.

The Oakland Raiders have committed to Las Vegas with a pledge of $500 Million for a new stadium. The Raiders know they can sell out every week by instead of billing themselves as an NFL team they will call each season a 16 week residency.

The Oakland Raiders have committed to Las Vegas with a pledge of $500 Million for a new stadium. They know they can sell out the season by saying the team is opening for the half time show act featuring Wayne Newton.

Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton says he could have done a better job at the Super Bowl post game press conference. Fans are over the news conference. It’s the 18 for 41 passing with six sacks they are still having a problem with.

Cal Ripken, Jr. is divorcing his wife after 29 years of marriage. Apparently she claims the man who broke Lou Gehrig’s record just wasn’t there for her.

Wal-Mart claims it is looking for STEM workers inside its own stores. Although most Wal-Mart employees think STEM workers are the people in the gardening department who are trimming the flowers.

Wal-Mart claims it is looking for STEM workers inside its own stores. Although most Wal-Mart employees think STEM workers are the ones who are in charge of Soda, Tents, Elvis posters and Motor oil.

Google has reportedly made a deal with Fiat Chrysler to make a self-driving car. Which will be much easier once Fiat Chrysler comes up with a car that actually makes it out of the driveway while someone is behind the wheel.

Google has filed for a patent to inject a device directly into the eye to improve people’s vision. Don’t we already have that? It’s called contact lenses.

The CEO of Google says that devices will be a thing of the past. Which they already are for the people who have drawers full of old iPods, Blackberrys and TomToms.

Snapchat says its videos are up to 10 Billion views a day. As many as three of the videos that are being watched feature people who have kept their clothes on.

A South African telecom CEO is in trouble for going on a radio show and saying women have a “bitch switch.” Apparently before he went on the air he forgot to turn off his own “moron switch.”

Apple is eying a voice unlock system for iPhones. Although the one phrase that will not work to open any of the phones is saying “We’re here from the FBI.”

Facebook says it has complied with 81% of the government’s demands for personal data. Apparently the feds are compiling the world’s largest database for pictures of food and cat videos.

Facebook says it has complied with 81% of the government’s demands for personal data. They would have handed over the other 19%, but the FBI keeps insisting they can get it without anyone’s help.

Facebook beat quarterly projections for profit, revenue and new users. The only question is who are new users who are just finding out about Facebook?

Uber says it may start charging customers extra for making drivers wait more than a few minutes. Although the reason they need an Uber driver in the first place is because they are so drunk it takes them 20 minutes to find their way out of the bar.

Self-driving car advocates say that the federal government and not states should set the rules. Mostly because the people in Wyoming who want self-driving technology are still waiting for their local officials to finish the handbook on operating a horse and buggy.

Facebook has adopted rules to allow Mark Zuckerberg to retain his power if he takes a “government post or office.” Which means either he has aspirations to be President or wants to live out his lifelong fantasy of being the license photographer at the DMV.

A report says that seven new animal species were discovered recently in Bolivia. The Bolivian researchers described them as “delicious.”

A letter addressed to Donald Trump contained some suspicious white powder. Although normally there would be no mystery at all about what is inside some white powder in the hands of a billionaire who made his money in the 1970s in New York City.

The Indianapolis Star editorial board slammed Donald Trump as “a danger to the U.S. and to the world” if elected President. Well, at least they narrowed it down to who might be negatively affected if he moves into the White House.

The Indianapolis Star editorial board slammed Donald Trump as “a danger to the U.S. and to the world” if elected President. Which means the first thing Trump will do after being inaugurated is make the auto emissions laws so tough the Indy 500 will become a bicycle race.

A New Jersey congressman is calling for an investigation of FEMA for fraud. Apparently he just heard about that thing back in 2005 in New Orleans called Katrina.

A House bill is aiming to block Norwegian Air flights into the U.S., citing concerns about safety and labor laws. They think they are more unsafe than U.S. airlines? What do they do, fly with the doors and windows left open?

 A House bill is aiming to block Norwegian Air flights into the U.S., citing concerns about safety and labor laws. Which male travelers couldn’t care less about, just the chance to fly and be waited on by hot blonde flight attendants.

Bobby Knight says that Donald Trump has the “guts” to drop a nuclear bomb like Harry S. Truman. Which Trump would do right after naming Knight U.N. Ambassador and watching him throw a chair across the floor of the General Assembly.

Bobby Knight says that Donald Trump has the “guts” to drop a nuclear bomb like Harry S. Truman. Which is probably the first time anyone has given a stump speech that endorses a candidate because of their willingness to start a thermonuclear war.

John Kasich says he is still in the presidential race and that he is “still standing.” Although the sad part is that it is because the leasing company just repossessed all the seats from his campaign bus.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today was a pretty slow news day, but I still managed to crank out 50 jokes. Which means that probably half of them are actually just grammatically correct sentences. If they are even grammatically correct. I am just glad you made it this far without giving up. I admire those who are unreasonably optimistic. You are the same people who go to the polls thinking your choice will make some sort of difference. We can all dream, can’t we? The answer to my dreams is when you all remember to take the time to make sure and always send the love!

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says lifestyle factors like obesity, stress and cellphone use can damage a man’s sperm. But then how many women want to raise a family with someone who is  overweight, stressed out and has their face buried in their iPhone all day?

An Italian court has ordered a man to help pay for the upkeep of his 28 year old son. Fortunately for Americans, the most they are expected to do for their grown children is let them continue to live for free where they don’t have to see them in their basement.

A report says that Ted Cruz can’t get enough delegates to win the Republican presidential nomination. Which is amazing that he actually was able to reach the point of being mathematically eliminated before the Houston Astros.

A study says that the Snowden leaks have made Internet users more cautious about their browsing habits. Although most men have never heard of Edward Snowden but they know what will happen if their wives ever find out what they are looking at online.

Bloomberg is reportedly looking to turn to robots to deliver its news. Which means we could soon see a return to the airwaves for Ted Koppel.

Bloomberg is reportedly looking to turn to robots to deliver its news. Which means it will soon have consultants coming in who will be looking at potential candidates and suggesting more hair, less circuitry.

Bloomberg is reportedly looking to turn to robots to deliver its news. The only problem is if IBM’s Watson gets the job, producers will have to learn to be able to cope with 15 terabytes of ego.

Test scores show that only 37% of American 12th graders are prepared for college math and reading. Which is still a lot better than the 2% who are prepared to deal with paying off tuition loans for 40 years.

Test scores show that only 37% of American 12th graders are prepared for college math and reading. Which is still better than the other 63% of 12th graders who aren’t prepared for the 7th grade.

A study says that sugar can cause brain damage. Apparently along with any of the other ingredients that can be found in a bottle of Mountain Dew.

A JetBlue pilot was arrested for DUI following a flight from Orlando to JFK. Suspicions were raised when it was discovered the pilot was actually supposed to be flying from Atlanta to Dallas on Delta.

A JetBlue pilot was arrested for DUI following a flight from Orlando to JFK. That’s what happens when you sit on the tarmac for three hours and your iPad loses its charge.

Public sector workers in Venezuela have seen their workweek cut to two days in order to save energy. Or as most U.S. government workers call that, “overtime.”

A study says that mindfulness therapy works as well as antidepressant drugs. Mostly just from the fact the people practicing it will be that much happier from not worrying about their insurance company covering their prescription bills.

Donald Trump gave a foreign policy speech where he promised coherence. Which he was able to deliver just in the fact he finally used a teleprompter instead of talking for three hours off the top of his head.

Donald Trump gave a foreign policy speech where he promised to put “America first.” Apparently his plan is to open casinos in all of our rival countries and end up looking like big versions of Atlantic City.

South Korea is changing its Olympic uniforms to protect its athletes from the Zika virus. Although it is going to be difficult to compete in the decathlon while wearing head to toe mosquito netting.

South Korea is changing its Olympic uniforms to protect its athletes from the Zika virus. Meanwhile, the U.S. is changing its athletes’ clothing to protect them from a more probable fate by exchanging their sweatpants for full size body condoms.

A leak reveals no revolutionary new features on the iPhone 7. Just the usual way for people to spend $700 so they can brag to their friends who still only have an iPhone 6, 5 or 4.

Ted Cruz has announced his running mate if nominated will be Carly Fiornia. She was chosen as she can help sway the women’s vote, because of her business background and her experience that will help advise him how to gracefully drop out of the race.

A survey says that healthcare is the top financial concern of American families. Once they figure out the chances of being able to pay off their medical bills, they will then have to determine what to do with any money left over from winning the lottery.

The CEO of Priceline is resigning over an improper relationship with an employee. Suspicions were raised when it was discovered he was not only the CEO but the company’s top customer in motel room rentals.

McDonald’s is testing a simpler recipe for its McNuggets. Apparently this time the company will actually try to add some chicken.

More investors are challenging the huge salaries given company CEOs. What they should be investing in are the companies that own the private jets, limousines and 5 star hotels that the company provides for the CEO to use every day.

A study says health care prices vary widely across the U.S. and even from hospital to hospital. Apparently it all depends on whether the patients’ doctors are wanting to buy a new Mercedes Benz or a beachfront condo.

A study says that poor navigational skills could be an early sign of Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when the patient can’t even get a diagnosis because they keep getting lost on the way to the doctor’s office.

A study says that poor navigational skills could be an early sign of Alzheimer’s Disease. Or it could also mean they are a man and would rather drive around lost for seven hours than pull over to ask for directions.

A study says that Type 2 Diabetes may damage a person’s hearing. Especially when they became diabetic because they couldn’t hear their spouse telling them not to eat that third piece of pie.

A study says that Type 2 Diabetes may damage a person’s hearing. Although you have to wonder if something could have been done to prevent the diabetes when their body fat actually blocked their ear canals.

Data says there are now more Millennials in the U.S. than Baby Boomers. Although it just looks like there are more Boomers because the Millennials rarely come out of their parents’ basement.

Scientists say that “Resting Bitch Face” is a real condition. Apparently the study used before and after pictures of Hillary Clinton right around the time the nation found out about Monica Lewinsky.

Scientists say that “Resting Bitch Face” is a real condition. Which having the condition in common may be the underlying reason that Ted Cruz chose to run with Carly Fiorina.

Charlie Sheen says a restraining order requested by his ex-fiancee is a publicity stunt. Almost as much of a publicity stunt as becoming engaged to Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen says a restraining order requested by his ex-fiancee is a publicity stunt. The only legitimate restraining orders against Charlie Sheen come from former wives and co-workers.

Miley Cyrus got a tattoo of Saturn and called it Jupiter. Which is OK as long as she doesn’t confuse it with “Uranus.” (It’s old, it’s juvenile, it’s predictable. But always funny!)

Miley Cyrus got a tattoo of Saturn and called it Jupiter. Apparently she likes them both as they have 129 moons between them, about the same number that can be seen whenever Miley Cyrus takes the stage.

Patriots resale ticket prices have dropped in the wake of Tom Brady’s suspension. It was blamed on his absence from the games, the bad publicity and deflation in general.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league is ready to move on from Deflategate. Which translated means he won.

The President of the Philippines says that a terrorist group plotted to kidnap boxer Manny Pacquiao. Mostly because he could command a huge ransom, would give publicity to their cause and they knew after watching him fight Floyd Mayweather he wouldn’t hit back.

A Dallas judge has ordered Johnny Manziel to appear in court May 5th. The judge picked that date knowing if there is one day Manziel is guaranteed to be in Texas, it is for Cinco de Mayo .

A 29 year old man who was arrested after posing as a high school basketball player in Canada says since he is from South Sudan he had no idea of his real age. Although three quick clues could have been his receding hairline, pot belly and liver spots.

Facebook has proposed a new class of stock to protect Mark Zuckerber’s control over the company. Apparently it is the only stock that allows any stockholder votes and comes at a price of $50 Billion a share.

Ford and Google are teaming up to support federal approval of driverless cars. So far the closest Ford has come to a driverless car is when the parking brake failed on a Focus that was parked on a hill.

A boost in Facebook stock sent Mark Zuckerberg’s net worth up $4.2 Billion on Wednesday, making him the world’s 6th wealthiest person. The sad part is that he has no idea all 1.5 Billion Facebook users have friended him just for his money.

Customer backlash has caused Comcast to boost its broadband data limit to 1 Terabyte a month. That equals 700 hours of video and 12,000 hours of games. Or as AOL calls that, see you in 2073.

Customer backlash has caused Comcast to boost its broadband data limit to 1 Terabyte a month. That equals 700 hours of video and 12,000 hours of games. Which is good news for Baby Boomers who only have to see their millennial kids come up from the basement for pizza and to ask what day it is.

An Apple employee was found dead at the company’s headquarters. Although no cause of death has been released yet, it can pretty much be assumed it wasn’t old age.

A new “serious” video game challenges players to keep the national debt in check. The idea is getting high school aged kids working on an $18 Trillion debt will make paying off a $100,000 college debt over 40 years seem easy by comparison.

Dyson has launched a $399 supersonic home hair dryer. Apparently it was made for the purpose of saving valuable hours every day by installing one in the White House in case Donald Trump is elected President.

A report says that pollution is causing the planet to become greener as plants are thriving on the additional CO2. Which is good to know all the cemeteries will be even more beautiful places to visit after global warming kills us all.

85 year old William Shatner says that “Star Trek” technology is not all that far fetched. Which is a surprise coming from someone who still has a VCR in his living room that is constantly flashing “12:00.”

85 year old William Shatner says that “Star Trek” technology is not all that far fetched. Although at least by 2364 someone will have invented a more believable hairpiece.

The Secret Service says it wants to increase the size of the fence around the White House to a height of 12 feet. Apparently they are already anticipating the first order coming from the White House after Donald Trump moves in.

The Secret Service says it wants to increase the size of the fence around the White House to 12 feet. Apparently they figure the time it would take most people to scale a fence that high would give the agents on duty a chance to sober up and call 911.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog once again. I am still cranking them out every day even though I am still woefully short of my goal to reach 7 Billion readers a day. I just can’t believe more people are willing to vote for ted Cruz for President than check out this great humor site. Some things just never make any sense. At least I feel I get your vote every day, especially when you remember to take the time to make sure and send the love!

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

An Idaho family saw the birth of its first girl in 101 years. Until now, the family gatherings of only white males looked instead like a boardroom meeting somewhere in Silicon Valley.

A survey says that one in four young people would date a robot. Which is no surprise. Since they meet most of the people they go out with by using their iPhone, why not just cut out the middle man?

A survey says that one in four young people would date a robot. It could be worse. The women who ended up marrying Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg went through the same thing but also moved right into a family bankroll of $50 Billion.

ExxonMobil lost its AAA credit rating because of falling oil prices. Which is ironic with all the people who saw their credit ratings go up the past several years because of how much money they put on their credit cards buying gasoline when it was $4 a gallon.

An Arizona company is charging people $200,000 to freeze them when they are dead for revival when a cure is found for what killed them. The only question for people who are killed in traffic accidents is what is the cure for texting while driving?

An Arizona company is charging people $200,000 to freeze them when they are dead for revival when a cure is found for what killed them. They are already recruiting customers with the promise that when they are brought back they will have an unbeatable softball game using Ted Williams as a ringer.

An Arizona company is charging people $200,000 to freeze them when they are dead for revival when a cure is found for what killed them. It’s an easy sell since living another ten years in Arizona would mean spending at least that much just on air conditioning.

Deodorant maker Nivea has launched a body odor detecting app. If your cellphone can tell that you smell that badly, you won’t need an app to figure out why everyone is keeping their distance.

Deodorant maker Nivea has launched a body odor detecting app. The only problem is telling if someone reeks of body odor or if it is just the musty smell from all those years of living in their parents’ basement.

Two New York teenagers were robbed of their cellphones and forced by the thieves to reset their passwords. To which the FBI is saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”



Scientists say that creative people may secretly be psychopaths. Especially all the ones who are creative enough to get people to buy into thinking Donald Trump would make a great President.

A new DNA test can reportedly measure the compatibility of couples. For instance, a woman can tell there is going to be trouble when the man’s DNA for the test was taken off another woman’s blue polka dot dress.

A New Hampshire man wearing a shirt saying “This Guy Needs A Beer” was arrested for DUI. Which means he would be a free man if only his “I’m With Stupid” shirt wasn’t still in the laundry.

A New Hampshire man wearing a shirt saying “This Guy Needs A Beer” was arrested for DUI. It’s just a good thing he wasn’t wearing his other shirt that says “Don’t Bother Me I’m Texting.”

A New Hampshire man wearing a shirt saying “This Guy Needs A Beer” was arrested for DUI. From now on when he is drinking and driving he will wear his shirt that says “So What Else Is There To Do In New Hampshire?”

Maine Governor Paul LePage says he won’t apologize for mocking a customer service worker with an Indian accent. Mostly because with two years left in his term there just isn’t enough time to apologize to everyone he has offended.

Maine Governor Paul LePage says he won’t apologize for mocking a customer service worker with an Indian accent. For one thing, they barely understand it when he talks about how Mainers make such a wicked chowdah, ayuh.

The King of Spain says no political party there has enough support to form a government. People were confused. Was he talking about Spain or the U.S.?

Former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is planning to argue to the Supreme Court that buying political access is a constitutional right. Apparently he is referring to the little used Article II Section 3 that gives the right to graft, corruption and the pursuit of bribes.

Former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is planning to argue to the Supreme Court that buying political access is a constitutional right. The problem is he forgets this Court is missing several members who were part of making the decision in Bush v. Gore.

Prince has become the fourth artist to ever have albums holding the #1 and #2 position on the charts at the same time. Apparently if he had known that, he would have died 20 years ago.

Only two U.S. companies, Microsoft and Johnson & Johnson have the same credit rating as the U.S. government. The only question is how did those companies also go $18 Trillion in the red?

The Transportation Department says air fares in 2015 were the lowest in five years. Mostly because with all the fees they collect for blankets, pillows and drinks they find if they gave tickets away to get people on the planes they would still make record profits.

A motorist is suing Snapchat for offering a filter that shows how fast someone is driving while taking selfies that resulted in a 107 mph accident. What Snapchat needs is another filter to show how the person’s IQ drops at exactly the same ratio while using it.

A motorist is suing Snapchat for offering a filter that shows how fast someone is driving while taking selfies that resulted in a 107 mph accident. Snapchat is now rethinking its new filter that counts how long it will take to be eaten after sneaking into the lion’s cage at the zoo.

The FBI says it is planning to keep the method they used to unlock the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone a secret. In other words, they have no idea what the hackers they hired actually did.

Apple CEO Tim Cook is auctioning off a lunch with him for charity, with the highest bid so far $125,000. Which is a bargain when you consider that is also the same going price  for anyone planning to buy into the next three iPhone upgrades.

A survey says that only 19% of Millennials support capitalism. Which isn’t hard to figure for a group where the other 81% will be paying off $100,000 in college loans for 40 years driving for Uber while stuck living in their parents’ basement.

The CDC says that most Americans drink the recommended amount of water each day. Of course, the reason for that is the study was done in Flint, Michigan where the recommended daily amount of water is zero.

The CDC says that most Americans drink the recommended amount of water each day. The only problem is that most of the water they consume is contained in the ice cubes they put in all the soda they are drinking.

A study says that night shift work may harm women’s health. Apparently the researchers didn’t realize when women say they were injured while “working the night shift” it usually means they were beat up by their pimp.

A study says that severe obesity in kids is on the rise in the U.S. The good news is that the rates of children running away from home has fallen exponentially since the kids are so overweight they usually get worn out before even getting around the block.

A study says that e-cigarette ads may lure teens to pick up the habit. The good news is that the research will result in all kinds of new jobs being created for advertising executives knowing how effective they are at their job.

A study says that e-cigarette ads may lure teens to pick up the habit. That may not be the only reason as there have been ads trying to get kids to eat well, exercise and stay in school and we see how well those have worked.

Scientists say they have witnessed a “flash of light” during conception between a sperm and egg. Whatever happened to the old custom of being considerate and leaving the lights off during intimacy?

Scientists say they have witnessed a “flash of light” during conception between a sperm and egg. Apparently it’s hard to read the map for directions on where to go when it is so dark down there.

A study says that listening to music may help babies learn language better. As long as they aren’t exposed to any songs sung by Ozzy Osbourne, Tom Petty or Bob Dylan.

Michael Strahan will be leaving “Live With Kelly and Michael” in May instead of the previously announced September. That way it will be easier for the show’s producers to only have to deal with one month of awkward dead air between the two cohosts.

A Belgian cyclist has been banned from riding for six years after being caught using a motorized bicycle. She would have gotten away with it if she had only remembered to install a muffler.

A Belgian cyclist has been banned from riding for six years after being caught using a motorized bicycle. Apparently she drew attention to herself when she showed up for the race wearing a helmet, boots and leather chaps.

A report says that several NFL team owners want to see Tom Brady’s suspension reduced. If he gets benched four games for deflating footballs, just think what will happen to all their players who are arrested for assault, armed robbery and murder.

A report says strongman “The Mountain” Hafthor Bjornsson eats 11 times a day, consuming 8.3 pounds of food. Or as most Americans call that, seconds at the Old Country Buffet.

The NHL has suspended Brayden Schenn for three games next season for an illegal hit.  He could have been given a much more severe punishment but fortunately you can’t deflate a hockey puck.

New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees says NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has too much power. Goodell needs to be careful. With words like that, you never know when someone in the league will offer a bounty on him.

A Cubs fan explained why he rushed the field after Jake Arrieta’s no-hitter last week. Although everyone already came up with their own reasons for his behavior which all contained the words “idiot,” “moron” and “alcohol.”

Engineering students at BYU say they have created Artificial Intelligence that can beat some human players at Foosball. The only drawback is that most six year olds with only mild coordination can beat just about any engineering students at a game of Foosball.

Intel CEO Brian Krzanich is sharing his strategy for the company in the wake of announcing plans to cut 12,000 people. It’s just unfortunate that he didn’t have some sort of plan before that might have prevented laying off 12,000 employees.

Researchers say dinosaurs made a large scale mass exodus out of Europe 100 Million years ago. Apparently it had to do with someone threatening to keep them from moving into other countries by building a wall.

The personal data of 1.1 Million people on the exclusive BeautifulPeople.com dating site has reportedly been leaked. That is terrible news and I just hope no one has been able to use it to get access to my credit card or Social Security number or home address.

The personal data of 1.1 Million people on the exclusive BeautifulPeople.com dating site has reportedly been leaked. The most harmful information leaked is that the people even thought about belonging to a dating site called BeautifulPeople.com.

Snapchat is fighting for the right of people to take selfies in the voting booth. Most people agree, if nothing else to find the people who can’t even stop taking selfies while they are casting a ballot and take their names off the voting rolls.

The Trump University fraud lawsuit is moving forward in court. Now all that needs to be done is addressing the fraud of The Trump Organization and the Trump for President campaign.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump may have sealed their nominations for President with primary wins on Tuesday. Now the decision is left to the American people. Do we move to Canada, Mexico or Europe? The good news is that no matter where you all flee, the Internet means you can still read this blog for all your joke needs every day. Mostly about whomever wins the election. Even better is the fact that no matter where you are you can still always take the time to make sure and remember to send the love!

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A federal appeals court has reinstated Tom Brady’s four game suspension for “Deflategate.” The sad part about this is that the NFL has spent more time and money in court on that case than against any player accused of murder or domestic violence.

A federal appeals court has reinstated Tom Brady’s four game suspension for “Deflategate.” The good news is that by the time this case is over, a new President will be elected and we will have a full Supreme Court to be able to hear this landmark case.

A Chinese entrepreneur says that Apple is “outdated.” Although not as much as their customers who haven’t kept up with buying the latest model of iPhone as they come out every three weeks.

The U.S. government is looking to create a secure, self-destructing messaging app which deletes messages after a set amount of time. To which Anthony Weiner is saying “NOW they decide to make one.”

State officials in Hawaii are telling residents not to hate tourists. Apparently they want their people to instead take pity on the people who don’t have enough money to be able to afford to live in Hawaii.

A report says that overstimulation is causing boredom. The one cure for overstimulation  is reading reports about the possible causes of boredom.

Saudi Arabia has outlined a reform plan aimed at ending the country’s “addiction” to oil. The idea is during times like this where the demand for oil is down to subsidize the economy with the manufacturing of funny bumper stickers.

A report says that Kentucky has the most children who have at least one parent in jail. Although the kids don’t seem to mind, especially around Christmas or their birthdays when they always get sent a big box of cigarettes and chocolate bars.

A report says that Kentucky has the most children who have at least one parent in jail. The sad part is when department store Santas in Kentucky ask kids what they want most for Christmas and the answer is usually “parole for mommy and daddy.”

Large crowds have been gathering at a southern California beach where a dead whale washed up. Although it was just a little embarrassing when the people realized they were just watching Alec Baldwin sunbathing.

Large crowds have been gathering at a southern California beach where a dead whale washed up. Some people will do anything to save the $8 to buy a ticket to take a ride on a whale watching boat.

Johnny Manziel has reportedly been indicted for assaulting his former girlfriend. If convicted, he will go from wearing jersey number “2” to “9817832.”

Charter’s $55 Billion proposed takeover of Time Warner Cable is headed for approval by the FCC. The deal was made last year which means it could be decided before anyone calling either company at the same time would have actually gotten cable service.

BMW has announced a plan to let car owners rent out their vehicles like an “Airbnb on wheels.” Which means when they are returned, the owners will have to take them in for detailing to get rid of the left over beer cans, cigarette butts and condoms.

Dubai says it wants 25% of all trips on its roads made by driverless cars by 2030. Although Iran wants to lead the way even more with technology by announcing the goal of half of all its trips by 2030 made with driverless camels.

Kobe Bryant’s remarks about the Great Big Idaho Potato Truck may have saved the traveling advertisement from a premature retirement. Up until then, the only basketball star who would even mention it was Spud Webb.

Kobe Bryant’s remarks about the Great Big Idaho Potato Truck may have saved the traveling advertisement from a premature retirement. Kobe saw it while driving in his car one day, and was stuck behind it for miles because he doesn’t know how to pass.

Saudi Arabia wants to make half of its military purchases domestically as part of its plan to move its economy away from oil. Although once they are out of oil, they won’t need a military as no one will have a reason to invade them anymore.

Goldman Sachs is offering online savings accounts for people who have as little as $1 to deposit. Mostly for the people who have a dollar left to their name after losing the rest in the economic crash created by Goldman Sachs.

A study says that Airbnb hosts that are more attractive can demand higher prices for their rentals. Apparently researchers used old information compiled about how the success of the Shady Rest on “Petticoat Junction” was such a popular hotel because of Billie Jo, Bobby Jo and Betty Jo.

Researchers say department stores need to close hundreds of locations if they want to regain the productivity of the past decade. Or at least sell more of what Americans want to buy, which is anything larger than a size XXXXL.

“Saturday Night Live” is planning to reduce its advertisement load next year. Which is industry talk for nobody is buying commercial time with the show anymore.

“Saturday Night Live” is planning to reduce its advertisement load next year. Which is good news for viewers who will not only see fewer commercials, but with more time it increases the odds of the show coming up with one or two skits that are actually funny.

A survey says that two thirds of Americans prefer saving to spending. Which is about as useful as the same survey saying that that two thirds of Americans would also prefer to stop eating so much and not be morbidly obese.

A survey says that two thirds of Americans prefer saving to spending. The other one third are just hoping to be able to make the decision of whether to spend or save once they actually are able to have an income again.

A Swiss company is charging parents $29,000 to come up with the perfect name for their babies. Which is a lot of money to pay from a company based in a country where most of the babies end up being called “Heidi” or “Sven.”

A study says a high fat diet increases daytime sleepiness. Mostly for the morbidly obese people who need the extra time snoozing so they can dream about what they are going to have for dinner and dessert.

A study says that most Americans turn to prayer when dealing with an illness. Mostly praying that their health insurance company will pick up some of the cost of all their medical bills.

A study says that most Americans turn to prayer when dealing with an illness. Otherwise known as the official Republican alternative to Obamacare.

Michael Strahan says he is “excited” about Kelly Ripa returning to “Live!” after he announced he was leaving the show. The only question is that after being away from each other for a few days, what do you think they will have to talk about?

The San Diego Padres are denying they have been stealing the signs from other teams. Those charges would be easier to believe if the team wasn’t sitting in the division cellar with a 7-13 record.

The San Diego Padres are denying they have been stealing the signs from other teams.  Although with a team batting average of .238, the only sign the other team is giving their pitchers is to throw the ball to the catcher.

Tiger Woods has registered for the upcoming U.S. Open at Oakmont. Although he may have second thoughts as Jordan Spieth will be tough to beat on a course that doesn’t have any water hazards.

Tiger Woods has registered for the upcoming U.S. Open at Oakmont. Which is hard to believe as he skipped out on this year’s Masters because he needed a corporate exemption to even get a spot at the annual par three contest.

Donald Trump told a crowd of supporters that the NFL needs to leave Tom Brady alone. Mostly because even Tom Brady wouldn’t have any luck when it comes to trying to deflate Trump’s ego.

A town in Germany has embedded traffic lights into the sidewalk for people who text while walking. Which would probably be doing everyone a favor if they just left them always flashing “Walk.”

Two restaurants in China that used robots to make and serve food have shut down. Apparently there was never enough food available for the lunch hour as the robots were just too slow to catch any neighborhood dogs.

Two restaurants in China that used robots to make and serve food have shut down because of “incompetence.” Apparently people find it much more acceptable to be completely ignored by another human than a machine.

Two restaurants in China that used robots to make and serve food have shut down. One of the restaurants used robots to cook the ramen noodles they offered exclusively. Which means the diner may still have been in business if they thought to offer something other than ramen noodles.

Google is encouraging employees to come up with ideas for startups while on the job to keep from losing workers to other businesses. Although it is really just a cover to keep them from using all their time at work to post on Facebook and look at Internet porn.

A report says that Uber class action lawsuit settlements will net most drivers less than $24. Which amounts to about the same amount they make from tips in an average day without the black eye from being punched by a drunk rider.

An analyst says the new iPhone 7 won’t have “many attractive selling points.” Other than the only reason anyone will ever buy an iPhone 7, which is that they can show everyone how much cooler they are than the people still using an iPhone 6.

A British astronaut set the off-world record for running a marathon on the International Space Station a just over three and a half hours. Or he could have just gone for a space walk outside and at 17,000 mph covered the same distance in about five seconds.

The Department of Justice says it is worried that the Charter merger with TWC could threaten competition. Although if competition is the reason people have to wait three weeks for service to be billed $180 a month, they have nothing to worry about.

Facebook is reportedly developing a camera app. Because apparently there just aren’t enough people filling up the site with constant pictures of what they ate for breakfast and videos of their cats playing with a ball of yarn.

PayPal is defending an all-male gender equity panel. The company defends it, saying if they had any women in the group they couldn’t have named themselves the overwhelming favorite choice of the “Pay Pals.”

PayPal is defending an all-male gender equity panel. What’s worse is that the group’s motto so far is “Equal pay is for pals and not for gals.”

A golf course in Japan is delivering snacks and other items to golfers using drones. if it works out it could speed up play on the PGA Tour by being able to bring out a fresh dozen golf balls every time Jordan Spieth tees it up on a water hole.

Donald Trump complained that John Kasich is a “disgusting eater.” Which is pretty much a signal that Chris Christie should not get his hopes up to end up on the short list to be Trump’s running mate.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Bernie Sanders is visiting my state of West Virginia today. He will be the first presidential hopeful to make a primary campaign trip to the WV since John Kennedy. Mostly because he is the only candidate running who was old enough to vote when Kennedy ran in 1960. It’s good to see West Virginia making the political landscape map for once. Take that, Idaho! Donald Trump was planning a visit but apparently we just don’t have enough National Guardsmen to be able to ensure any sort of crowd control. Fortunately, I can always count on you to be orderly and polite. Especially when you show your manners and make sure to remember to always send the love!

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The remains of Prince were cremated and a private memorial service was held in his honor. He left behind an estate worth an estimated $300 Million. That makes him the wealthiest person with the title of Prince that wasn’t preceded by “Nigerian.”

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that one in five families has no one working. That will be taken care of as soon as Nike can build some factories here and convince Congress to drop the working age to seven.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that one in five families has no one working.  Mostly because there is nothing left as the other four families have everyone working three different jobs in order to make ends meet.

A judge is allowing a lawsuit to proceed against the psychologists who devised the CIA’s enhanced interrogation program, which is being called nothing less than torture. The psychologists are defending their actions, saying they were only mimicking the techniques they learned by watching “Dr. Phil.”

A reanimation firm is looking for ways to bring brain dead people back to life. Their first suggestion is to change the TV from the channel that is showing “The Kardashians.”

A reanimation firm is looking for ways to bring brain dead people back to life. To which John McCain and Larry King are saying “It’s been done.”

A reanimation firm is looking for ways to bring brain dead people back to life. Apparently they got the idea it could be done after seeing all the people flocking to the primary polling booths to vote for Donald Trump.

A cafe in Tokyo that is full of cats that can be petted by customers was closed after charges were filed for animal neglect. What’s worse is that the cats just seemed to disappear after it was reopened as a Korean restaurant.

A nude restaurant that will open soon in London already has a waiting list of 23,000. People are also lined up to apply to work there. The highest paying position will go to the person who has to clean off the seats after each meal.

A nude restaurant that will open soon in London already has a waiting list of 23,000. People want to eat there because without pockets or purses, it will be the one place they can go where everyone isn’t spending the entire meal looking at their cellphone.

A study says widows have less stress and frailty than women whose husbands are still alive. And everyone thought that Hillary Clinton was looking so tired and worn from her presidential campaign.

A study says that people who meditate have brains that average seven years younger than those who don’t. Mostly just for the fact that time meditating is time that isn’t spent in front of a TV, computer screen or cellphone.

A Minnesota auto repair shop reportedly gave its workers bonus payments in meth. Mostly because they found that the repairs got done 25 times faster than when they used to pay them off with bonuses of pot.

16 teenagers touring the Vatican were surprised with the chance to confess sins to the Pope. Although it was a bit awkward when the boys confessed their sins all happened when they visited the rectory where the priests live.

16 teenagers touring the Vatican were surprised with the chance to confess sins to the Pope. Although it ruined the trip for three of the teens when the Pope listened to their confessions and told them they were pretty much going to spend eternity in Hell.

President Obama told young people in London to reject “pessimism and cynicism.” Although the solution to that is a lot easier to advise young people in America how to do that by just changing the channel when the presidential debates come on.

A German minister has rejected a plan to raise the retirement age to 70. As opposed to the U.S. where retirement age for most people has been unofficially moved to “dead.”

U.S. soccer star Abby Wambach says she “could have done more” to fight pay inequity. People were surprised. Women soccer players in the U.S. get paid?

Cracker Jack candy will replace its traditional toy prize with a digital code for baseball themed mobile games. The sad part is that the prize actually had a higher nutritional content than anything else in the box.

Cracker Jack candy will replace its traditional toy prize with a digital code for baseball themed mobile games. The sad part is that anyone old enough to even know what Cracker Jack is can’t use the codes because they won’t work on their rotary phone.

Sears says it will close nearly 80 Sears and Kmart stores this summer. People were surprised at the news. There are 80 Sears and Kmart stores that are still open?

Sears says it will close nearly 80 Sears and Kmart stores this summer. People who still shop at those stores say they will have to make a last visit just as soon as they are able to finish buying all the things on their list at RadioShack.

A study says that living near nature is linked to longer lives. Although it is a pretty indirect connection meaning that anyone who has enough money to live close to the beach or a golf course is wealthy enough to actually be able to afford a health care plan.

A study says that heavy pot use as a teenager leads to a higher risk of death by age 60. Mostly from obesity, diabetes and heart disease after a life of eating nothing but pizza, Oreos and Doritos.

The CDC says that 1 in 8 U.S. workers has some hearing loss. Usually someone in upper management whenever any of the other workers comes in to ask for a raise.

The CDC says that 1 in 8 U.S. workers has some hearing loss. The other 7 will experience the same thing eventually since none of them will be able to afford to retire before age 96.

The FDA is proposing a ban on certain electrical stimulation devices. Which fortunately won’t affect the companies that find that electrical stimulation on their employees still works fine with the traditional cattle prod.

A report says the U.S. suicide rate is up 24% since 1999. What’s worse is the people who weren’t driven over the edge by the stock market crash or mortgage meltdown will probably be done in by whomever wins the upcoming presidential election.

A study says that retirement can help people lead healthier lives. What the study doesn’t point out is that so can winning the lottery which for most people has about the same odds of ever happening.

A study says that retirement can help people lead healthier lives. Mostly because at that point in most people’s lives it equates to no job, no kids, no stress.

A study says that Americans die younger than people in other high income countries because of drugs, guns and auto accidents. People were shocked at the news. The U.S. is still considered a high income country?

A study says that Americans die younger than people in other high income countries because of drugs, guns and auto accidents. Or as that is called by most high schoolers in Detroit, “Saturday date night.”

A Swedish film director is making a movie that will be 720 hours long. While theaters will lose money on the $8 admission, they will make up for it with the $5,000 moviegoers will be spending on popcorn, soda and everything else at the concession stand.

A Swedish film director is making a movie that will be 720 hours long. Although the film will still move along at a faster pace than anything ever made by Adam Sandler.

A report says that Tiger Woods may return to the PGA Tour at Quail Hollow in May. Apparently no matter how bad his injuries still are, he feels it can’t be that hard to win after watching Jordan Spieth on the 12th hole in the Masters.

Toronto Blue Jays 1st baseman Chris Colabello has been suspended for 80 games after testing positive for PEDs. Although he may want to think about trying to come back if even on steroids he could only start the season off batting 2 for 29.

Toronto Blue Jays 1st baseman Chris Colabello has been suspended for 80 games after testing positive for PEDs. The sad part is that by the time he gets back into the lineup the Blue Jays will probably already be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

A company is making chairs from the engines of 737s. While the 737 is not considered a wide body, the chairs are specifically designed for most Americans who are.

A company is making chairs from the engines of 737s. The worst part is that the people who buy the chairs out of habit of flying charge their guests a $7 fee to use them.

A company is making chairs from the engines of 737s. What’s bad is that people who sit in them and want to move to a different chair are charged a $25 seat reassignment fee.

Microsoft and Google have withdrawn mutual complaints against each other. Apparently they have settled their differences and given up on world domination, now being just satisfied with controlling half the money on the planet.

Uber drivers are planning to team up with the Teamsters Union for representation. The good news is Uber drivers in New York City alone will get all kinds of business from the Teamsters just in the rides they will be contracted to take to the East River.

A survey says most Millennials lack the money for a down payment on a house. Which doesn’t really matter since they also don’t have enough money to make a mortgage payment, buy any furniture or pay for any utilities once they move in.

A survey says most Millennials lack the money for a down payment on a house. It’s just too bad they can’t just buy the basement part of the home since that is the area they are used to living in for the last ten years at their parents’ house.

AT&T is offering a discounted $10 a month Internet service to low income households. The ironic part is that most households became low income after getting stuck with a wireless service contract with AT&T.

AT&T is offering a discounted $10 a month Internet service to low income households. Which isn’t such a great deal when you consider the movie they start to stream today will cost them $120 to watch by the time it completely downloads this time next year.

Republicans are accusing Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe of restoring voting rights to 200,000 convicted felons to help Hillary Clinton. Although anytime a politician helps out ex-cons it can always be explained away as professional courtesy.

Joe Biden would not say if he voted for Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders in the Delaware Democratic primary. Or he may have but no one had time to wait the entire time for him to actually finish answering the question.

President Obama urged diplomacy over force at a youth town hall meeting in London. Or in UK terms, the difference between British Open patrons and Scottish soccer hooligans.

Dixon Golf offered a discount on eco-friendly recyclable golf balls which don’t pollute rivers, lakes and forests to celebrate Earth Day. In fact, three species of wildlife and four major tributaries could have been saved if Jordan Spieth had used them just on the 12th hole at the Masters.

Navy Secretary Ray Mabus is defending the military’s ship naming process which recently named vessels after Carl Levin, Gabrielle Giffords and Cesar Chavez. Not to mention the next ship that is in line to be dedicated as the USS Boaty McBoatface.

Donald Trump told a crowd that if he was “100% presidential” there would only be 300 people attending instead of 10,000 and they would fall asleep in 20 minutes. In other words, his goal of making it to the RNC depend on being more like the WWE.

A survey says women are paying less attention to the 2016 presidential campaign than men. Which means the candidates have so far fallen short in their attempts to bring out the same amount of anger in everyone.


John Kasich says he is vetting possible vice presidential candidates. The only question everyone is asking is "For whom?"

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! President Obama told a group of young people that diplomacy should be considered ahead of force. However, that was before the split between Michael Strahan and Kelly Ripa. If The President can get those two talking again he will be up for his second Nobel Peace Prize. Now the word is out the whole thing was orchestrated by Regis and Kathie Lee who are ready to take back what they consider rightfully theirs. In the meantime, before this whole disaster can be solved the best thing you can do for world stability is to make sure to take the time and remember to always send the love!

Friday, April 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

MTV says it is planning a major return to music. To which anyone under 40 is saying “MTV used to play music?”

MTV says it is planning a major return to music. Apparently they have just been waiting the past 20 years for someone to make some music worth playing.

Rock legend Prince has died at age 57. He will now be known as “the artist who was formerly alive.”

Rock legend Prince has died at age 57. He was reportedly treated for a drug overdose just days before his death. So far the cause of death is being listed as being on one big party since it was 1999.

The Treasury will reportedly change the $5, $10 and $20 bills. Just in time for a generation that pays for everything with their cellphone and has no idea what cash is.

A report says some Republicans are complaining the Pennsylvania primary with uncommitted delegates will be a “beauty pageant.” Which is probably the last description anyone ever would have come up with a contest featuring Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and John Kasich.

Jobless claims have reportedly dropped to a 42 year low. No one had any idea that there were that many new 7-Elevens, GoMarts and One Stops that had just opened.

The British Monarchy has been valued at $84 Billion. Which shows that all those years of learning to dress up, wave at crowds and perform ribbon cuttings have finally paid off.

A study says that half of a person’s brain stays on high alert on the first night of sleeping in a new place. Mostly out of survival instinct to hear even the slightest noise that could hint that her husband has come home early.

A report says the number of 100 year olds in the world will grow by eight times over the next 35 years. Which means you have three and a half decades left of being annoyed by the 65 year old relative who is currently driving you crazy.

A report says the oldest dog in the world has died at age 30. The sad part is the dog was that close to completing the “fetch” command her owner gave her back in 2014.

A report says the oldest dog in the world has died at age 30. When it was pointed out the dog lived to 210 in dog years, Larry King said “Cut down in the prime of life.”

Saudi Arabia has reportedly come up with a $2 Trillion plan to get the country’s economy away from oil. The economy will be in great shape once they figure out a way to get the rest of the world interested in buying a whole bunch of sand.

Saudi Arabia has reportedly come up with a $2 Trillion plan to get the country’s economy away from oil. A better idea would be to just figure out how to stretch out the $2 Trillion because living in the middle of the desert already pretty much kills the idea of switching over to agriculture, property development or vacation resorts.

Saudi Arabia has reportedly come up with a $2 Trillion plan to get the country’s economy away from oil. So far the most popular idea is to divide the money between all the people to help them pay to move somewhere else.

Revelers at a 4/20 Day party in San Francisco reportedly left behind 10,000 pounds of trash. What was worse is that city employees breathing in the air after the event are expected to take up to three months to finish cleaning it up.

Paul Ryan says that he is a better Speaker of the House than John Boehner. Which is about the same as claiming to be a better quarterback and role model than Johnny Manziel.

A Florida teenager accused of impersonating a doctor has been offered a deal for three years in prison. He says that is no problem as he will use the time to figure out how to become a fake lawyer.

Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 90th birthday this week. She also marked the occasion by commemorating her 90th year in retirement.

A report says that Aeropostale may file bankruptcy. It was too bad as they made so many cuts to try to stay in business, like never actually providing any clothes for their catalog models.

Hillary Clinton is reportedly considering a woman as her running mate. Apparently she wants to appeal more to the women’s vote, offer a fully diverse ticket and because Bill says it might be his one last chance at a threesome.

A lawsuit accuses Chipotle of misrepresenting that its food does not contain organisms that have been genetically modified. The restaurant chain denies the claims, insisting that all of its E.coli is strictly natural.

An all-naked restaurant is reportedly set to open soon in London. And you thought it was a nuisance when your waiter but their thumb in your soup.

An all-naked restaurant is reportedly set to open soon in London. The only problem is that the last people you want to see walking around naked are the ones standing in line at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

An all-naked restaurant is reportedly set to open soon in London. The worst part is when one of the diners mistakes his before meal heartburn medication for a Viagra.

A study says that popular drugs for colds and allergies are linked to a risk of dementia. The good news is that people taking the drugs at least eventually forget that they are being bothered by a cold or allergies.

A study says that kids gain less weight when their parents think they are normal size because they tend to stop nagging them. Which means for kids the trick is to always just be seen hanging around with friends who are morbidly obese.

A report says that the consumer electronics industry is moving in on the hearing aid business with products that are less expensive. To which a representative from the hearing aid industry said “What?”

A report says that the consumer electronics industry is moving in on the hearing aid business with products that are less expensive. Although both industries could be in trouble as after the presidential debate season more people are deciding it would be better to just go deaf.

Mariah Carey reportedly threw a lavish party where guests had to dress as their favorite version of Maria Carey through her career. Apparently the most popular was the easiest costume of a hospital gown and gurney for her days in the psychiatric ward.

Mariah Carey reportedly threw a lavish party where guests had to dress as their favorite version of Maria Carey through her career. The only problem was that several people who dressed as Carey in “Glitter” were denied access because no one at the party ever saw the movie.

Abolitionist Harriet Tubman is set to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. It will be a real history lesson for Americans who with his being replaced as the face on a currency will at least now know something about Andrew Jackson.

Harriet Tubman is set to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. When told she was an abolitionist, Ted Cruz demanded she be taken out of consideration as he feels there should only be someone on our currency who is pro-life.

Time’s list of the 100 most influential people includes Mark Zuckerberg, Leonardo DiCaprio and Caitlyn Jenner. Which is not to be confused with the list of the 100 people most under the influence headed by Lindsay Lohan, Paula Abdul and Charlie Sheen.

Time’s list of the 100 most influential people includes Mark Zuckerberg, Leonardo DiCaprio and Caitlyn Jenner. Missing the list once again for the 30th year in a row is anyone from Time Magazine.

Tony Stewart has been fined $35,000 by NASCAR for a rant about loose wheels. Which is ironic that the rant comes from someone already missing so many ball bearings.

Adam Scott is being criticized for not competing in the upcoming golf competition at the Olympics. Apparently he doesn’t want to show up where even the equestrian team is calling him out for playing a “sissy sport.”

A Canadian high school basketball star is being suspected of being a 30 year old from Africa. Or as a 30 year old high school basketball player is called in Alabama, a “prodigy.”

Google honored the memory of Prince with a purple home page. Which was a much more tasteful display than anyone using Microsoft’s Edge who were given the usual blue screen of death.

The FBI director says the cost of breaking into the San Bernardino shooters’ iPhone was $1.3 Million. Mostly because to get access to the phone they had to pick up the account’s early termination fee from AT&T.

Researchers at MIT used 4D maps to help robots navigate through moving obstacles. The research could be used in air traffic control, handling rush hour on freeways and more importantly for computer geeks, how to keep from being decimated at dodgeball.

A set of headphones made by Nobel is being sold for $1,600. They are so good they not only make for a great sound, but eliminate outside noise for the user like their wife screaming “You paid how much for those?!”

The former CEO of Pets.com has started a site called TheRealReal which sells used luxury fashion items. It’s for people who have expensive taste but can’t afford anything at full price after losing their life savings back in 2000 investing in Pets.com.

Scientists say they can make lithium-ion batteries that will last a lifetime. Which is true, even if they don’t work very long but are used to power someone’s pacemaker.

The latest lawnmower from Sears sends maintenance reminders to the owners’ smartphone. Along with tips on how to replace fingers that were cut off because the user tried to clear the mower blades from grass while it was still running.

San Francisco tops the list of the most expensive rental markets in the country with the median price of a one bedroom apartment going for $3,590 a month. Although for those looking for a bargain, a fairly new refrigerator box at Union Square can still be had for a little less than $2,000 a month.

Facebook has tweaked its news feed to show articles people are likely to spend more time reading. Which going by the 8 second attention span of most Facebook users, that means none of their news items will contain more than two sentences.

A survey says 68% of American women say they lose some sleep over money issues. The other 32% have never been married.

A survey says 68% of American women say they lose some sleep over money issues. Which is not a big deal since they are staying up late anyways waiting to clobber their husbands when they try to sneak in at 3:00 in the morning.

Scientists say they can explain the feeling of awe astronauts experience looking back at the Earth from above. Apparently it is mostly from the knowledge that when they come back they can go to their high school reunions and tell all the women who rejected them for a football player that they missed out on the chance to be with a real astronaut.

Donald Trump has scheduled a major foreign policy speech in Washington, D.C. next week. Apparently he wants to get in some practice before he is elected President at informing all the nations he is going to declare war against.

A survey says that 56% of Americans support Harriet Tubman’s picture being placed on the $20 bill. The other 44% prefer something more in line with the economy that would feature a hobo with his pockets turned inside out.

A survey says that 56% of Americans support Harriet Tubman’s picture being placed on the $20 bill. The other 44% say they would prefer a picture of Richard Nixon saying “It doesn’t look so bad now when I was President, does it?”

A survey says that 56% of Americans support Harriet Tubman’s picture being placed on the $20 bill. The other 44% are behind the families of Millard Fillmore, Chester A. Arthur and Franklin Pierce who are still saying “When is it going to be our turn?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s been a rough year for music, with the latest casualty being Prince who just died at age 57. He may have checked out early, but he wrote some great songs and was a  phenomenal guitar player. So what is giving up a few years when you have that on your bio? RIP to Prince, and here’s to hoping all the rest of you can find some time in your day to remember to make sure and send the love!