Friday, July 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A TSA worker in Seattle has been arrested on voyeurism charges. The agency says if employees want to take naked pictures of airport travelers they should just volunteer to operate the body scanners.

A California man was caught putting a chemical weapon inside a Wal-Mart. Store managers became suspicious when they detected an different odor and knew it wasn’t a typical case of a customer using the restroom to build a meth lab.

The new $12.9 Billion U.S. Navy supercarrier USS Gerald R. Ford is reportedly struggling with jets taking off and landing. To acknowledge the problem, the Navy is considering changing the name to the USS O’Hare International Airport.

A Japanese life insurance company is selling policies using robots. Apparently the policies cover being killed by a falling drone, being run over by a self-driving car or tripping over a Roomba.

Turkey has declared a state of emergency following a failed coup, suspending
A European pact protecting the country’s human rights. Political experts were caught by surprise. Turkey has a human rights policy?

A study says people feel the ideal number of previous sexual partners for women is 16 and for men 15. The only problem is that married men consider previous sexual partners the number of women they slept with before they got caught.

Dating app Tinder has a new feature that lets people go out on group dates. Which is being challenged for a copyright violation by extramarital affairs site Ashley Madison who says “We thought of it first!”

Scientists and artists have sculpted the perfect human specimen to survive a high speed car crash, with a giant head, no neck and a concave face. Or it could just have two hands which allow it to be able to fasten a seat belt.

Scientists and artists have sculpted the perfect human specimen to survive a high speed car crash, with a giant head, no neck and a concave face. Which ironically pretty much fits the description of the average NASCAR fan.

Peter McNicol’s Emmy nomination for Best Guest Actor in a Comedy for “Veep” has been revoked because he made too many appearances. Also because the Television Academy realized after “The New Adventures of Old Christine” that it would be a stretch to call any show with Julia Louis-Dreyfus a “comedy.”

A sex tape featuring a Virgin Islands delegate to the U.S. Congress and her husband was leaked online by hackers. Congressional experts were shocked. They never heard of someone in Washington wasting perfectly good video tape on sex that included their spouse.

A report says Major League Baseball is considering limiting the use of relief pitchers. Although there will be resistance from both broadcasters and fans who consider pitching changes the best time for commercial breaks and trips to the bathroom.

A report says Major League Baseball is considering limiting the use of relief pitchers. The move is being challenged by the Cincinnati Reds who say curbing their bullpen will make it tough for them to have any games that get past the second inning.

Actor Michael Caine says he is legally changing his name from Maurice Micklewhite to avoid being questioned at airports for having a different name on his passport. Also because the TSA knows that the most common name on the list of suspected terrorists is by far and away “Micklewhite.”

Actor Michael Caine says he is legally changing his name from Maurice Micklewhite to avoid being questioned at airports for having a different name on his passport. It follows the legal name change by Adam Sandler to keep TSA agents and passengers at airports from always asking for a refund of the $8 they paid to see “Jack And Jill.”

Donald Trump had an awkward moment at the GOP convention when he gave an air kiss to running mate Mike Pence. Although viewers were just relieved that it didn’t turn into another VMA Awards moment between Madonna and Britney Spears.

Justin Bieber is disputing his neighbors’ claims that they are still suffering from the 2014 incident where he egged their house. The couple would have more credibility if like everyone else claimed their suffering came from Bieber’s singing.

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes has resigned over allegations of sexual harassment. People were surprised. Most Fox viewers have been conditioned to think the only way to handle sexual misconduct is through impeachment.

GM says it is recalling 4.3 Million vehicles because of Takata airbags. Industry experts were surprised. There are still 4.3 Million GM vehicles on the road that aren’t already in the shop for another recall?

J.P. Morgan has been ordered to pay $200 Million to settle Asian hiring probes. In a related story, disputes about Asian hiring practices will cost Nike as much as another 67 cents.

A report says Hillary Clinton could name her running mate as early as today. The only problem is that it could take several weeks to actually see who it is after all the investigations that will take place after she makes the announcement by e-mail.

McDonald’s has stopped selling Big Macs in Venezuela because of bread shortages. Fortunately, the restaurant chain was able to keep serving their hamburgers because the only food shortages in the country involved beef.

The world’s last remaining VCR maker says they will stop production in August. Which is sad because their engineers finally figured out a way to stop the devices’ clocks from perpetually displaying a flashing “12:00.”

The most successful impersonator of Donald Trump claims to be making $40,000 a month in personal appearances. Which if he really is an expert at impersonating Trump, means his monthly income is probably closer to $375.

The most successful impersonator of Donald Trump claims to be making $40,000 a month in personal appearances. He is so good at mimicking Trump, he is on a first name basis with all the workers at the bankruptcy court.

The Census Bureau says the county where people are most likely to die young is Kusilvak in Alaska. Mostly because the last words spoken between a mother and her children is “Don’t forget your coat!”

A report says existing home sales were at a nine year high in June. Mostly because ever since 2008, people who had taken out subprime mortgages realized as far as they were concerned the home they bought no longer existed.

A study says that 1 in 10 Americans have experienced tinnitus. The most recent case involving Ted Cruz whose ears are still ringing after being booed off the GOP convention stage.

The Mayor of Turin, Italy wants her city to become the first to be totally vegetarian. Which is not to be confused with every city in Mississippi where every resident spends all their time on the couch vegging away.

A study says people naturally compare their performances with others. Except for people are long time, die-hard Cubs fans.

A study says teenage girls who participate in sports may not be eating enough to avoid health problems. At least ever since people started considering being a super model a sport.

A study says that Alzheimer’s Disease may hamper a person’s ability to feel pain. Which is good for the people who keep forgetting that the tree in their front yard they like to sit under has a hornets nest.

A study says background noise can interfere with a toddler’s ability to learn new words. Meaning if parents don’t turn down the volume on the TV set and computer, there kids won’t be able to learn words like “Pikachu” and “Charizard” on their cellphone when they play Pokemon Go.

A study says living past age 90 doesn’t mean a person will necessarily suffer from disease and disability. Which is good news for most Americans who need to stay in good health at least until they can finally afford to retire at age 93.

A report says the government heavily subsidizes the crops that most often wind up as the ingredients in junk food. Which finally explains the origin of the term “big government.”

A report says the government heavily subsidizes the crops that most often wind up as the ingredients in junk food. Mostly because the Agriculture Department feels there is no need to add to the $3 that is spent by Americans every year on broccoli.

Two preschoolers have been hospitalized and 70 others exposed to an outbreak of E.coli at a Washington State School. No one had any idea that cafeteria meals were being outsourced to Chipotle.

Christie Brinkley, on her appearance at age 62 says “I’m doing the best I can.” Apparently it was so much easier to look beautiful when she was younger, especially by comparison when she was photographed next to her husband Billy Joel.

Christie Brinkley, on her appearance at age 62 says “I’m doing the best I can.” It’s just sad to see someone who used to be drop-dead gorgeous now having to get through life being only extremely beautiful.

Director Oliver Stone compared Pokemon Go to “totalitarianism.” No one even realized that when their children were holding out a stiff arm they were giving the Nazi salute to Pikachu.

Wonder Woman is getting her own postage stamp. The Post Office wanted to feature a female super hero and decided it would be better judgment to exclude their other option of using former Saturday morning TV show heroine “Isis.”

Wonder Woman is getting her own postage stamp. Mostly because Postal customers identify with Wonder Woman when they go to the mail box and wonder what happened to all their deliveries.

Ringo Starr says he wants to perform with Paul McCartney again. The only problem is that at age 76 he is no longer known on stage as one of the boys from Liverpool as much as one of the old men with liver spots.

Roger Goodell has reportedly hired image consultant Joe Lockhart who worked with Bill Clinton after his impeachment. Although Goodell has questioned Lockhart’s first suggestion of getting back in the public eye going on a dinner date with Monica Lewinsky.

Roger Goodell has reportedly hired image consultant Joe Lockhart who worked with Bill Clinton after his impeachment. Apparently Goodell has felt down after battling Tom Brady, almost like his image has somehow had the air let right out of it.

Basketball players at George Washington University say they were verbally abused by their coach. Or as verbal abuse is called by Bobby Knight, vocal warmups.

Basketball players at George Washington University say they were verbally abused by their coach. While coach Mike Lonergan says he may have been a bit harsh with the players, at his time with George Washington at least he never told a lie.

An ancient Roman soldier wearing an ornate belt was discovered in a UK grave. To which fans of the WWE assumed that wearing a decorative belt means that he must have been a former champ who was buried by The Undertaker.

Donald Trump accepted his nomination with a speech at the GOP convention Thursday night. Or as long time Republicans are referring to the time between now and the November election, “The Hangover Part IV.”

Donald Trump accepted his nomination with a speech at the GOP convention Thursday night. Not to say he was long winded, but people in the audience were referring to the length of his speech when they began yelling “Four more years!”

A heat wave in the central and eastern U.S. will bring triple digit heat through the weekend. Fortunately, the source of the inferno ended when Donald Trump finally wrapped up his acceptance speech and closed down the GOP convention.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The GOP convention sadly ended, taking with it most of my material over the past week. It also pretty much took with it any chance of the Republicans getting back into the White House over the next three decades. Even the Clintons were saying “Have you ever seen so much squabbling under the same roof?” The good news is the material will be free flowing again next week when the Democrats try to see if they can actually get along with each other for four straight days. Too bad our politicians can’t be as close as we are, especially when you let me know how you feel by remembering to always send the love!


Thursday, July 21, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

An Indiana woman stabbed her husband who came back home without her favorite type of doughnuts. Apparently she was trying to show him what it was like to be in a box with a dozen holes.

Jeb Bush ended up with three delegate votes at the GOP convention which ended up costing $50 Million each. Lobbyists were shaking their heads. That was enough money to instead buy seven congressmen, three judges and a mayor.

Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland is offering a “safe space” to students upset by the nearby GOP convention. If they are traumatized by that, it won’t be any better next week when the convention is over but they are still in Cleveland.

Melania Trump’s speech writer has offered her resignation after being accused of plagiarism. Although it didn’t help her case when her letter ended with “Th…th…th…that’s all, folks!”

Melania Trump’s speech writer has offered her resignation after being accused of plagiarism. Apparently she thought she could get away with it as she figured out no one would be able to get past Melania’s accent to hear what she was even saying.

A poll says 70% of Americans say the country is going in the wrong direction. It didn’t help any when Republicans took the entire party and got on the highway to Cleveland.

Human DNA is being sent into space to “back up” the species so we won’t become extinct. Although people who really don’t want to see humans disappear from the planet can do something more immediate by not voting for Donald Trump.

Human DNA is being sent into space to “back up” the species so we won’t become extinct. Although sending DNA into space is not to be confused with the condom circling Uranus. (Sorry, it’s old, it’s juvenile, it’s predictable. But always funny!)

A study says that monkeys like to drink alcohol. That’s no surprise. When is the last time you ate nothing but bananas all day and threw feces around the house while you were still sober?

An L.A. Times Op-Ed article said if Trump wins, a coup would be possible in the U.S. To which Trump says who needs a coup when you have money, the media and enough celebrities on your side?

An L.A. Times Op-Ed article said if Trump wins, a coup would be possible in the U.S. If anyone doesn’t believe a coup is possible in this country they should just look at the Republican Party nominating process.

United Airlines and the TSA are working to offer automated security checkpoints to reduce long lines at airports. Which means United passengers will now just have to wait in the usual long lines for check-in, flight delays and cancellations.

A survey says half of all Brazilians are against the Olympics. The other half just can’t wait to use their vuvuzelas during the Olympic soccer matches.

John Kasich says Donald Trump asked him if he wanted to join the ticket and become “the most powerful Vice President in history.” Although being the most powerful Vice President is like driving around in the most customized Kia.

Facebook says its Messenger app is used by a billion people every month. Instead of scrolling all the way through Facebook, it’s a lot easier to just personally ask all your friends what they ate for breakfast that day.

A report says Apple stands to make billions of dollars from Pokemon Go. Mostly from people having to replace their iPhones after they fall into a pond while trying to locate a Charizard.

L.L. Bean has recalled children’s water bottles for possible lead content. When it comes to any of the bottles bought at their outlet in Flint, Michigan, the retailer says “never mind.”

L.L. Bean has recalled children’s water bottles for possible lead content. The good news is that none of the bottles were reportedly used as if children are actually going to drink water.

Panera is suing a former executive who is now working for Papa John’s over trade secrets. The company says the former worker has no loyalty and really showed a lot of crust.

Panera is suing a former executive who is now working for Papa John’s over trade secrets. Damages for revealing confidential information on how to make soup and bread could total into the dozens of dollars.

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes is said to be on his way out after allegations of sexual harassment. At age 76, he will now just spend the rest of his days doing what other elderly white men do. Sit around watching Fox News.

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes is said to be on his way out after allegations of sexual harassment. After hearing the allegations, the only people still supporting him are other 76 year old men who are saying “He’s still got it!”

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes is said to be on his way out after allegations of sexual harassment. To which Fox News viewers were saddened, saying it was a shame to be kicked out of his job while still in the prime of life.

The GOP made a surprising move, calling for the revival of the Depression era Glass-Steagall law to regulate banks. Apparently party leaders are becoming nostalgic for reminders of what happens when their economic policies are put into place.

The Dollar Shave Club is being bought by Unilever for $1 Billion. It was a tough sale but the brokers were all lathered up and it went through by a whisker.

Three recent studies reveal how the brain responds to music. The most obvious result of the studies was seeing the EEG reading go straight to a flat line whenever any Justin Bieber tunes were played.

A study says middle aged brains don’t work as well after 25 hours of work. Which means that anyone over 40 should pretty much just be told to take off every Thursday and Friday.

A study says middle aged brains don’t work as well after 25 hours of work. Which is good news since it’s hard to find anyone over 50 who can still find a job that offers that many hours in the first place.

Wal-Mart has identified eight chemicals they want removed from all their products. Apparently they were getting tired of having to call the Haz-Mat team every time there is a call for “clean up on aisle 5!”

A new map of the brain discovered 97 previously unknown regions. The findings were made only because researchers went to those areas looking for characters while playing Pokemon Go.

Researchers say only high levels of being sedentary, ten hours or more a day in a chair are linked to heart disease. The bad part is when a doctor gives a patient the bad news over the phone and pretty much assumes they are already sitting down.

A study in Scotland says that home cooked meals are not always the most healthy. Which is no surprise coming from a country whose national dish is haggis.

Scientists in the UK say they are a step closer to developing an invisibility cloak. Apparently it would be used as an alternative plan where they could wrap it around the entire country and leave the EU without going through that whole Brexit thing.

Donald Trump will give his acceptance speech tonight at the GOP convention. There is already suspicion that he is using his wife’s speech writer as a preliminary draft that was leaked out starts with “Four score and seven years ago…”

Jon Gosselin was seen working at a TGI Friday’s which he claims is not a job but just his hobby. Apparently it helps him relax from the stress of his real career behind the counter at a 7-Eleven.

The NBC soap opera “Days of Our Lives” is taping its 13,000th episode this week. Producers are planning a cast reunion which over the years features 110 mistresses, 27 illegitimate children and five evil twins.

A report says that Ricky Williams had a plan to make an NFL comeback by changing his name to Rio Don and changing his uniform number. Although everyone would have known it was him because the number he picked was “420.”

A report says that Ricky Williams had a plan to make an NFL comeback by changing his name to Rio Don and changing his uniform number. Ironically, he came up with the plan to escape drug testing which would have been unnecessary as that idea would only be conceived by someone who was completely stoned out of their mind.

Eldora Speedway in Ohio set a world’s record with 561 people playing the largest game of heads or tails. The hardest part of the event was deciding who got to start things off by performing the ceremonial coin toss.

Eldora Speedway in Ohio set a world’s record with 561 people playing the largest game of heads or tails. The only problem is that the decision to see who started took three hours of everyone playing rock, paper, scissors.

Today, July 21st is National Junk Food Day. Or as most Americans otherwise know it, Thursday.

Today, July 21st is National Junk Food Day. To honor all those who participated, flags will be lowered to half-staff on Friday.

Birkenstock says it is quitting its relationship with Amazon after a surge in counterfeit sales. What’s next, online fake versions of tie-dyed shirts, hemp Buddha pants and Bohemian dresses?

Macy’s is using IBM supercomputer Watson to improve its new in-store shopping app. The only problem is that Watson can only answer when asked by shoppers whether anything makes their motherboard look big.

Ivanka Trump is being accused of stealing the idea of a shoe design. She denies the charges but it turns out Melania Trump’s speechwriter gave her the idea to have the shoes include a swoosh.

A report says hackers targeted 130 Cici’s Pizza locations to access data from customers’ credit cards. So far the only information they managed to from people eating at Cici’s was the name of the doctor treating them for their Type 2 Diabetes.

A report says that people are offering to play Pokemon Go for others for a fee. How lazy have we gotten that we can’t play a video game for ourselves because it actually requires us to get our behinds off the couch?

Pokemon Go is such a popular game that a Pokemon Go dating site has already sprung up. The only problem is that people on the site will only swipe right on you if you can show them where to find Charizard.

Ben Carson says he will not run for public office ever again. To which most people had no idea he ran for public office this time.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The GOP convention wraps up tonight. As do the hopes of Republicans taking back the White House this time. The only problem I have had with the convention is who needs a joke writer when you have Donald Trump being nominated for President in Cleveland? It’s all right there. And I am right here. And I hope you all are still checking in and will keep on doing so and  remembering at least once in awhile to make sure to keep sending the love!


Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A new health trend is called the “burrito sauna” where people are wrapped in heated blankets to remove toxins from their body. Which ironically is used by most people to get rid of the E.coli they got when they ate a real burrito at Chipotle.

A 1.5 Million gallon sewage spill in Los Angeles has closed several beaches. At least to everyone but the people from New Jersey who said it was just a little bit of medical waste and oil spill away from being just like home.

Federal officials have removed the lesser prairie chicken off the protected list. Which just gave environmentalists and animal rights advocates something else to grouse about.

NOAA says last month was the hottest June ever worldwide, the 14th straight record warm month. Officials are concerned that July could be even worse as it will be dealing with the thermonuclear fallout from both political conventions.

NOAA says last month was the hottest June ever worldwide, the 14th straight record warm month. And that was just for the part when Chris Christie was told he wasn’t going to be Donald Trump’s pick for running mate.

Transportation developer Hyperloop is countersuing its co-founder Brogan BamBrogan after he sued over wild allegations about a takeover attempt. If people want a public transportation system that features psychotic behavior, they can always just ride the New York subway system.

Transportation developer Hyperloop is countersuing its co-founder Brogan BamBrogan after he sued over wild allegations about a takeover attempt. Although there might be something to his charges after the company announced they are moving all operations to Turkey.

Transportation developer Hyperloop is countersuing its co-founder Brogan BamBrogan after he sued over wild allegations about a takeover attempt. Although it is just a little difficult to believe anyone who has a name that sounds less like a CEO and more like someone on the undercard at a WWE wrestling match.

Trump campaign officials are denying that Melania Trump plagiarized Michelle Obama in her convention speech. The official response to the charges is “As God is my witness…I will never be hungry again!”

Tesla Motors has initiated a name change, possibly in response to bad publicity involving crashes with some of its self-driving cars. To which the people at Chipotle are saying “You can do that?”

Tesla Motors has initiated a name change, possibly in response to bad publicity involving crashes with some of its self-driving cars. The only problem with changing the name of a defective car is that “Chrysler” has already been taken.

U.S. federal regulators have rolled back vehicle mileage goals for 2025 from their original 54.5 MPG. Mostly because the only way they were going to reach those projections was if in another 10 years everyone was riding around on a hoverboard.

The Obama Administration is considering suing to block several health care company mergers. Apparently they realize it will be easier for Obamacare to destroy the entire system if they keep everything separate.

Amazon has reportedly taken out a patent for a Pony Express-like drone delivery operation. Which is much better because if they were able to use horses like drones we would all have to be walking around always carrying an umbrella.

A report says more companies are allowing employees to seek treatment for mental health issues with mobile apps on their smartphones. The only problem is that most of their mental issues come from being glued to their cellphone screen for 20 hours a day.

A report says more companies are allowing employees to seek treatment for mental health issues with smartphone mobile. Which is ironic because the biggest mental health issue for most workers is paranoia from knowing their company uses their phone to track where they are, who they are with and what they are watching.

Tesla Motors has changed its company name to just Tesla.com. Apparently the removal of the word “motors” has to do with the problems they have had with auto fires, crashes caused by failures of their autopilot system and the fact all their cars now feature the standard option of driver’s side pedals.

A report says Pokemon Go is changing the work place dynamic. For one thing, people are now walking around more using their cellphones to play a video game when they should be working instead of sitting at their desk and using their phones to play video games.

A survey says former college students are questioning whether the expense of college was worth it. Although when they realize they can’t remember most of their college years because of all the keg parties, their answer is an overwhelming “Yes!”

A survey says former college students are questioning whether the expense of college was worth it. Although their answer will have to wait another 20 years until they actually get a job in the subject of their degree.

A study says college graduates are putting off marriage and home buying because of the cost of paying off their tuition loans. The good news is they have that much longer to go before they suffer through the inevitable divorce and foreclosure.

Hillary Clinton says that Donald Trump is the most dangerous man to ever run for President. Although when the Democrats make her the first woman with a major party nomination, she will then become the most dangerous woman to ever run.

A California couple has claimed their $528.8 Million share of the record Power Ball payoff from January. Being in California, the couple says they will use the money to pay off their mortgage and still have enough left over to buy a 1998 Chevy Impala.

United Airlines ads are using Virtual Reality to show off their new swanky business class. Mostly because there is no way that actual reality has ever been associated with the terms “new” or “swanky” and United Airlines.

P.F. Chang’s has recalled more frozen dinners because of metal shards. Apparently the company didn’t try do go with their marketing department’s idea of advertising the meals as “Now with iron!”

P.F. Chang’s has recalled more frozen dinners because of metal shards. Apparently the “P.F.” is short for the “Pfffffff” sound that comes from a person’s intestines when they are punctured by the shrapnel.

A study says Pokemon Go is attracting a diverse crowd of gamers. Now all races, nationalities and age groups can share the life experience of wasting their entire existence hunting down non-existent images on their cellphones.

A study says that hormone therapy has no effect on women’s verbal memory after menopause. Which is no surprise to men who know an atomic blast isn’t enough to make their wife forget anything they have done wrong in the past 20 years.

A study says people sleep less during a full moon. Especially men who have to wait even longer at night to sneak back into their bedroom because of the extra light making it easier to be caught by their wife.

A group of wrestlers is suing the WWE claiming that wrestling caused brain injuries. So far their main evidence will be pretty much just Jesse Ventura.

Macaulay Culkin in a rare interview has denied rumors that he has a heroin addiction. Now that he has taken care of that issue, we don’t need to check in with him again until some time in 2032.

Macaulay Culkin in a rare interview has denied rumors that he has a $6,000 a month heroin addiction. Apparently the rumor was actually started by Culkin to make people think he actually has access to $6,000 a month.

The rock group Queen says the Republican National Convention used their song “We Are The Champions” against their wishes. Not only that, but the credits they used say the lyrics were written by Melania Trump.

A report says Matt Damon was paid $1 Million a line in the new film “Jason Bourne.” Which would be a fair price for Adam Sandler to be paid, as long as it was for a silent movie.

The Carolina Panthers are planning to give free refills for Pepsi products at the Bank of America Stadium next year. Which means fans will now have an extra $9 in their pockets to use instead to get that souvenir Panthers pencil they always wanted.


Tiger Woods says he will miss the PGA Championship as well as the rest of the 2016 season. Insiders say the time to look for Tiger to return to golf is when his caddy Joe LaCava turns in his resignation as a driver for Uber.

A poll says only 10% of iPhone users say they will upgrade to the new iPhone 7. Apparently the other 90% will wait the other month for the introduction of the iPhone 8, 9, and 10.

IBM says it has added 30,000 jobs this year. Mostly because the new positions are paying half of what the 30,000 people who were laid off last year were making.

India broke a record by planting 50 Million trees in just 24 hours. Which will thrive off the billions of tons of carbon dioxide that is pumped out by all the Indian factories that then cut down the trees to use to make broomsticks for Wal-Mart.

A 2,000 year old gravesite for dogs was discovered in Siberia. Or as that would have been called if it were found in Korea, the remains of an ancient restaurant.

A study says cockroaches use an internal GPS to get around. The worst part is when they hear Siri tell them to watch out for the giant shoe coming down from straight overhead.

A report says the same whale has washed up and been towed away from five southern California beaches. The worst part is that the tabloids have since been inundated with pictures of what people thought they were taking of Kirstie Alley sunbathing.

The unofficial slogan of the GOP convention has been “Lock her up” in reference to Hillary Clinton. Which is not to be confused of the convention’s kitchen workers who have been chanting “Lock him out” in reference to Chris Christie making them work triple overtime at the buffet table.

Donald Trump’s ex-wife Marla Maples showed up at the GOP convention to show support. Forget the opposing factions. Donald Trump has shown he can unite people if he can get all his ex-wives under the same roof at one time.

“Happy Days” creator Garry Marshall has died at age 81. Apparently the cause of death was watching the entire speech at the GOP convention by Chachi.

Alaska appealed its vote at the GOP convention, claiming all its delegates were incorrectly given to Donald Trump. Apparently they are very sensitive about where their votes go ever since they became known as the state that elected Sarah Palin.

A report says there was a 1 in 87 Billion chance that Melania Trump’s speech at the GOP convention was not plagiarized from Michelle Obama. Even the people who wrote “Blurred Lines” are saying they know lifted material when they see it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A long day yesterday as my daughter Summer had her wisdom teeth removed. I just wanted to say that as it would be the only time that the word “wisdom” has ever been referenced in this blog. I decided to keep writing and not take the day off. Although if there was ever a time to take a break from this blog it is while the GOP convention is going on. The whole thing is one long punch line. But I need the practice, as we all know. You can use a little practice as well, at least when it comes to taking the time to remember to keep on sending the love!