Sunday, August 02, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The federal government is reportedly working on robots that can help dress the elderly. The hardest part is finding an outfit for elderly men, which starts with picking out a lime green pair of polyester pants that can be worn up around the chest.

A city in Iran had a heat index of 165 last week. No wonder they want access to nuclear weapons. They want to start an atomic war to cause nuclear winter so they can finally cool down into the low triple digits.

Congress has taken off for a five week recess. Members of Congress need that time off so they can get campaign contributors to give them more money so they can run for office again to spend all of ours.

Congress has taken off for a five week recess. Members of Congress like to have at least one month of the year where they can say that they didn’t push the country even more hopelessly into debt.

A report says that humans are evolving into a gait featuring a “text shuffle” while walking and looking at their cellphones. Which when you see what people are looking at on their phones completely contradicts the use of the word “evolving.”

Three people were caught performing an exorcism in a park in Texas. The problem is that it apparently didn’t work, as the very next day there was a reported sighting of Rick Perry.

A Chinese factory reportedly replaced 90% of its workers with robots. The saddest part was when all the laid off workers had to come home with a pink slip pinned to their outfits that had to be signed by their moms.

A report says the extended slump in oil is hurting the industry and the economy with a reduced workforce. Oil companies have seen sharp layoffs at every level. The only workers who are safe are the CEOs’ chauffeurs, personal chefs and butlers.

California has launched a “drought shaming” website that exposes people who are wasting water. Although Californians would rather be called out on that site than the one that points out which people can’t afford to drive a Porsche, BMW or Mercedes.

Hillary Clinton’s doctor says she has no serious health issues that would interfere with her running the country. The only problem she has had over the past several years has to do with overextended ligaments from flinging too many pieces of White House China.

Hillary Clinton’s doctor says she has no serious health issues that would interfere with her running the country. She takes medication for her thyroid, blood clots and allergies. Which explains why she wants to be President as she needs a government job to keep her insurance to be able to afford the prescription copays.

Hillary Clinton reportedly requested a book to help her send better e-mails. Hopefully she was able to go to the publisher to get her money back for that one.

A survey says that half of all college students don’t check their credit scores. Mostly because they know once they graduate and can’t keep up with the payments on their tuition loans they won’t have one anyway.

Facebook’s use of a facial recognition tool is generating complaints about violating users’ privacy. Because privacy is very important to people who like to tell us who they are dating, post pictures of what they are eating and say how much they hate their jobs.

Facebook has unveiled a drone that will be able to provide Internet access for the 4 Billion people who are not connected. Because there is nothing that the people living in the middle of the Sahara Desert would like better than to join Facebook to post pictures of the kebab they have just cooked for dinner.

Facebook has unveiled a drone that will be able to provide Internet access for the 4 Billion people who are not connected. No one had an idea there were still that many subscribers to AOL.

Facebook has unveiled a drone that will be able to provide Internet access for the 4 Billion people who are not connected. Which will enable Mark Zuckerberg achieve his real goal, to make it so everyone on the planet has equal access to 24 hour a day Internet porn.

The Wall Street Journal says the Clintons made $28 Million last year. Which is pretty bad when you realize that Hillary is willing to take a job paying only $400,000 a year just so she can have the health insurance that goes along with the job.

Puerto Rico missed a $58 Million bond payment over the weekend which means they are going into default on their $72 Billion debt. Or as the U.S. calls $72 Billion in deficit spending, “Tuesday.”

A Colorado credit union wants a court to allow the marijuana industry to be allowed to move into the banking system. As opposed to the current method of accounting currently used by marijuana growers, stuffing cash into a sock hidden in their microbus.

A rare pre-Civil War baseball card was sold at an auction for $179,000. Which was a good deal for the person who had the foresight to hang on all those years to that Jamie Moyer rookie card.

A survey says that ID theft is the fastest growing consumer complaint. Mostly because since 2007 their name is just about all that most people have left.

Verizon’s unions averted a strike, saying their workers will stay on the job while contract negotiations continue. It wouldn’t have been that noticeable for Verizon customers who if there had been a strike would just have been told to imagine they switched to AT&T.

Rite Aid pharmacies say they will only display Cosmopolitan magazine if they come in wrappers. Apparently they feel children should not be subjected to adult material in stores, that should be kept for when they are at home looking at porn on the Internet.

Rite Aid pharmacies say they will only display Cosmopolitan magazine if they come in wrappers. After all, pharmacies are not places for people to become aroused looking at magazines but grossed out going up and down the aisles of adult diapers, suppositories and hemorrhoid cream.

A study links salt with high blood pressure. Mostly because the salt just adds even more flavor to the fatty foods that we are clogging are arteries with every day.

A study links salt with high blood pressure. Mostly from people who are getting high blood pressure from being angry about getting told to not eat so much salt.

A study says that earlier research that found Bubonic plague and anthrax in the New York subway system may have been erroneous. Which means the Plague could have been wiped out centuries ago if people only knew to protect themselves with urine, garbage and rat droppings.

Dr. Howard Jones, the pioneer behind the first American IVF baby has died at age 88. Without his work with fertilization, Millions of people around the world would never have had their lives enriched with “Quints By Surprise,” “Jon & Kate + 8” and the Octomom.

A report says that water ways that will be used by athletes in the 2016 Olympics in Rio are polluted with bacteria and viruses. Which means the U.S. Olympic Team will immediately move its training camp for water sports over to the Jersey Shore.

A study says that climbing trees or balancing on a beam can improve a person’s memory. Especially when the limb breaks and they fall 20 feet to the ground and remember why they haven’t climbed a tree since they were six years old.

A study says meditation can improve self-control so people can give up smoking and other bad habits. Now the only problem is finding enough self-control in the first place to put down the cigarettes, remote control and mouse to make time to meditate.

A study says that regular, moderate coffee consumption is tied to better brain health in seniors. Especially when they get their monthly Starbucks bill and can figure out there is no way they can drink coffee regularly there on a fixed income.

A UK woman awoke from having a hysterectomy to find her front teeth were missing. Which is a lot better than going to that same surgeon for a tonsillectomy and having no idea what they will end up missing instead.

General Mills says it will eliminate artificial colors and sweeteners from its breakfast cereals. Which means they will pretty much instead be selling boxes full of ground up corn, wheat and rice.

General Mills says it will eliminate artificial colors and sweeteners from its breakfast cereals. Which means people buying Cocoa Puffs will pretty much just open up an empty box.

A lawsuit accuses CVS of overcharging for generic drugs. The pharmacy says that customers don’t feel a medication is really working until they go in debt trying to pay for it.

The Ryan Seacrest show “Knock Knock Live” has been canceled by Fox after its second episode. Which made TV industry insiders come to the same conclusion. Fox executives must not have watched the first.

The Ryan Seacrest show “Knock Knock Live” has been canceled by Fox after its second episode. It’s being replaced by reruns of “The Last Man On Earth,” which apparently is what people said it would take for them to be to actually watch the show.

The Ryan Seacrest show “Knock Knock Live” has been canceled by Fox after its second episode. It was canceled when they found out that they could actually get better ratings by knocking on random doors and asking people to watch.

WWE Hall of Fame member “Rowdy” Roddy Piper has died at age 61. It could be several days until the coroner signs the death certificate just so he can be sure the whole thing isn’t being faked.

13 year old basketball player LaMelo Ball has already committed to UCLA. Although there could be some academic problems already as he was passed through to 7th grade without ever showing he actually completed his grade school course in finger painting.

13 year old basketball player LaMelo Ball has already committed to UCLA. He had to pledge to keep up on his studies, work out with the team occasionally and never let his father get near his kettlebells.

New york Giants fans who were trying to get an autograph from Odell Beckham, Jr. caused some bleachers to buckle. Which means the official reason for the collapse was that the fans bent it because they like Beckham.

Joe Biden is reportedly taking a new look at a presidential run. The weird part is that with Donald Trump leading at 19%, he feels he actually has a better chance at running as a Republican.

Donald Trump says that he plans to be “nice and highly respectful” during the upcoming Republican presidential debate. Mostly because John McCain hasn’t yet declared himself a candidate.

Donald Trump says that he plans to be “nice and highly respectful.” Mostly because at least six of the other candidates won’t be invited for him to criticize and insult.

A company that offers crowds for hire sees an opportunity in politics during the election year. If not, there is always the original plan of making money from recruiting people to show up so the 200 Florida Marlins season ticket holders don’t think they got suckered.

A company that offers crowds for hire sees an opportunity in politics during the election year. It’s worth it for candidates like Ted Cruz who buy purchasing a crowd can rent professionals who can listen to his speech without appearing completely confused, frightened or bewildered.

A report says that companies owned by Donald Trump hire foreign workers. Which Trump says means instead of outsourcing those jobs he will bring in workers to keep them here and just cut out the middle man.

Lawmakers and civil rights workers marked the 50th anniversary of the Voting Rights Act. Or as they call that in the southern states, the 50th anniversary of August 6, 1965.

Lawmakers and civil rights workers marked the 50th anniversary of the Voting Rights Act. Or as that is also known, the 50th anniversary of a southerner actually casting a vote for a Democrat.

Lawmakers and civil rights workers marked the 50th anniversary of the Voting Rights Act. Which became completely obsolete in the Presidential election of 2000 when everyone’s voting rights were just instead handed over to the Supreme Court.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sometimes the comedy gods are stingy, and other times they are generous. Take the upcoming week. Please. Congress takes off for a five week recess which really takes away the potential for several daily jokes about pretty much everything they do. However, just as that is happening we are gearing up for the first Republican candidates’ presidential debate. Golden. That’s a tradeoff that more than makes up for what we are losing with Congress. But only because of Donald Trump. I can’t imagine that not being the highest rated programming of the season. Even all the reality shows combined could never come up with a cast of characters who are that dysfunctional. That is all I could ever ask for. Other than to make sure you all remember to keep on sending the love!

Friday, July 31, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Census says 1 in 3 young adults live at home with their parents. The other two would like to but can’t fit in the car their parents are living in after being foreclosed.

Former Fed chief Alan Greenspan says that government overspending has become “extremely dangerous.” We’re $17 Trillion in debt. That’s like GM finally realizing it might not be such a bad idea to put someone in charge of quality control.

Former Fed chief Alan Greenspan says that government overspending has become “extremely dangerous.” We’re $17 Trillion in debt. That’s about as timely as Kirstie Alley looking in the mirror and saying maybe it’s time she considered going on a diet.

Former Fed chief Alan Greenspan says that government overspending has become “extremely dangerous.” Which is right about on schedule for the man who finally figured out last month there might be a problem in the housing market.

Etihad Airways is being sued by a passenger who says he hurt his back sitting next to an obese man. That’s no problem with people flying on airlines in the U.S. who are used to having to contort to keep pulling out there wallet to pay for all the inflight fees.

Iran’s rulers are urging a baby boom to double the country’s population by 2050. Which in a country with so many extremists who are willing to strap explosives all over their bodies could be confusing to talk about another group called “Boomers.”

Hot temperatures in New York City pushed the mercury in a subway station to 106 degrees. Which was refreshing to passengers who were able to enjoy the rare occasion where the fragrance of sweat and garbage replaced the usual aroma of urine.

A live exorcism is set to be aired on Destination America on Halloween. Although they are a little late as Fox already had the same idea next week called the Republican presidential debate.

A survey says that 78% of students prefer digital course material over books. Mostly because it is so much easier to cut and paste off a computer rather than the old way of having to transcribe straight from a textbook when plagiarizing work.

A survey says that 78% of students prefer digital course material over books. Mostly because students can spend their time in class pretending to be reading course material on their iPad while instead be actually watching porn.

Water use in California was down a reported 27%, beating the state’s goal. Apparently it was easy to get men on board once the word got out that Brad Pitt still got Angelina Jolie even though he hasn’t taken a shower since 2007.

Israel has passed a law to force feed prisoners who are on hunger strikes. The same law was tried in the UK but international courts said making anyone eat British food against their will would have to answer to charges of cruel and unusual punishment.

A report says the Allegiant Air jet that almost ran out of fuel on a flight was being flown by two company executives with pilot licenses. Having executives perform additional tasks around the workplace isn’t always a good idea. Would you really want to go into surgery seeing that the hospital CEO wants to take a crack at your hernia operation?

Lilly Pulitzer is suing Old Navy for copyright infringement for taking some ideas for pattern designs. Which is going to make for an interesting lawsuit over stealing someone else’s idea from a company that just happened to use the name “Pulitzer.”

A New York court has dismissed a lawsuit seeking personhood status for two chimpanzees. Which doesn’t look good for the similar legal action brought for emancipation by the wolverine living on Donald Trump’s head.

A New York court has dismissed a lawsuit seeking personhood status for two chimpanzees. The lawsuit was brought by an unknown plaintiff in California who was just identified by the name “Bubbles.”

Government statistics show that gun silencer sales were up 38% over last year. Which shows that in the U.S., it’s OK to shoot someone as long as you don’t disturb the peace while doing it.

Budweiser says that beer sales have been falling in the low single digits. Which is interesting because low single digits represents the amount of alcohol in an entire case of Coors Light.

A report says the average American family pays $231 a year renting cable TV boxes. Mostly because they feel it is important to watch the financial news channels to find ways to quit wasting all their money.

A report says that 13% of all homeowners are seriously underwater on their mortgage. What’s worse is that they just found out that being underwater on their mortgage is not covered by their flood insurance.

A report says that 13% of all homeowners are seriously underwater on their mortgage. The other 87% don’t live in California.

Students at UC Irvine will be asked to identify themselves from a choice of six different genders. Not only that, but they are changing their nickname from the “Anteaters” to the “Caitlyns.”

Students at UC Irvine will be asked to identify themselves from a choice of six different genders. Most other colleges are concerned about only one question on the enrollment form. “Are you paying your tuition in a) Cash or b) Student loans?”

A study says that job stress may increase the risk of taking sick leave because of mental health disorders. Which causes even more stress for the people who are saving their sick days to skip work when they feel good enough to be able to enjoy it.

A study says that job stress may increase the risk of taking sick leave because of mental health disorders. Which is OK because if they miss enough work they won’t have have a job left to stress over anyway.

China is the second fattest country in the world, and a study blames it on children’s grandparents. Mostly because they spoil kids and feed them too much of that hard to resist cadmium rice, rat and donkey meat served on cardboard enhanced buns.

A study says that Americans are cutting back on calories but are still not eating healthy. Which is good news in that people are finally finding the willpower to say “no thanks” to that third Big Mac at lunch.

Psychologists say that in addition to extroverts and introverts there is another class of personality called “ambiverts.” Which sounds more like someone who can be perverted with either hand.

Researchers at Northwestern University have developed an app that charts cellphone activity to determine if the user has depression. Which could be the case if they have used their cellphone to play “Candy Crush” 18 hours every day for the past month.

Researchers at Northwestern University have developed an app that charts cellphone activity to determine if the user has depression. Like the students at Northwestern who use their phone to keep calling the bank to get the latest estimate on how long it will take to pay back their student loans.

A study says that answers that stump people while they are awake may be easier to recall after a night’s sleep. Or at least give enough time to come up with an answer to when your wife is asking “Where were you until 3:00 in the morning?”

A study in Scotland says that moderate to heavy drinking might cut the likelihood for disability for people with chronic pain. Although the number one cause of chronic pain in Scotland is being beaten by moderate to heavy drinking soccer hooligans.

A study in Scotland says that moderate to heavy drinking might cut the likelihood for disability for people with chronic pain. Or as moderate to heavy drinking is also known as in Scotland, “dinner.”

Jules Hirsch, a pioneer in obesity studies has died at 88. What do you call someone who decided to work on obesity back in the 1960s? “Psychic.”

New York City is set to begin a $30 Million program aimed at providing mental health care for anyone living in New York. The definition of mental illness in New York is anyone thinking they can live in the city making less than $500,000 a year.

New York City is set to begin a $30 Million program aimed at providing mental health care for anyone living in New York. Which should be enough to last the city through about noon time.

Actress Jennifer Beals was caught leaving her dog in a hot car in Canada. She says it wasn’t a problem as when she got home she was going to sit the dog in a chair, turn out the lights, pull a chain and douse it with cascading water.

Actress Jennifer Beals was caught leaving her dog in a hot car in Canada. It was in Canada. It barely gets too warm for pets if they are in a car that actually catches fire.

Dior is under fire for using a 14 year old as its main model. People feel it doesn’t do justice using a teenager to model the elegant clothes that had so much effort put in to making them by all those 7 year old Chinese garment factory workers.

Sylvester Stallone is auctioning off memorabilia from his “Rambo” and Rocky” movies. Not to say the characters are getting older, but the latest sequel has Rocky shopping for boxing shorts with elastic that fits comfortably around his chest.

Sylvester Stallone is auctioning off memorabilia from his “Rambo” and Rocky” movies. Not to say the characters are getting older, but the latest sequel has Rambo reading Soldier of Fortune magazines while waiting for his number to finally be called at the VA clinic.

Tiger Woods made four straight birdies in the opening round of the Quicken Loans National tournament. It was the first time in recent memory he has made four straight birdies that didn’t include the holes “Windmill” through “Clown’s mouth.”

Tiger Woods has reportedly fired his swing coach Chris Como. Apparently Como will go back to his old job of coaching kids on how to flail at pinatas.

Four Ohio State football players were suspended for drug violations and bad grades. College football fans across the country were shocked. “No, what were they really suspended for?”

 Four Ohio State football players were suspended for drug violations and bad grades. College football fans across the country were shocked. Although they were being praised by some for going into the opening game already in mid-season form.

The FBI says it is having a hard time convincing technology experts to take jobs in cyber security. Mostly because all the hackers and gamers don’t want to work for the same organization that is trying to put all their pot dealers out of business.

The FBI says hackers are extorting banks to pay excessively high fees or else they will shut down their sites. Bank executives want the hackers stopped and put in jail immediately. Who do they think they are, a bank?

President Obama wants the U.S. to build the world’s most powerful supercomputer. He wants it to be so fast that it can actually process more than three people each day through the Obamacare website.

President Obama wants the U.S. to build the world’s most powerful supercomputer. The computer would perform at speeds of 1 exaflop. That is equal to 1,000 petaflops. Which sounds more like the number of dives by players in the average FIFA soccer match.

Washington, D.C. is reportedly sinking, and could drop another six inches in the next century. Which is still at a much slower rate of sinking than is seen every year in Washington with the Wizards.

Washington, D.C. is reportedly sinking into the ocean, and could drop another six inches in the next century. Although with Congress spending us $17 Trillion in the hole, it’s just amazing the entire city isn’t underwater yet.

Pinterest has revealed its diversity hiring goals for 2016. They want to beat out Apple, Microsoft and Google and next year only hire 99% white and Asian males.

Starbucks new iOS app allows people to order ahead of time with an iPhone and skip the lines. Which gives the user extra time to use their bank app to take out a second mortgage to pay their monthly Starbucks bill.

Scientists recently observed a polar bear making a dive that lasted three minutes and ten seconds. That was the longest any land dwelling mammal has ever been underwater other than anyone still trying to pay off a 30 year mortgage in California.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is finally Friday, time for me to give you all a couple of days off from the torment of reading these jokes. Tomorrow is the start of August, which means we just have September, October, November and 25 days after that until Christmas. Which begs the question why am I not seeing any holiday displays at the mall yet? If you are already starting your holiday shopping, remember I am easy. The best way to make me happy is to remember to take some time and always send the love!

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that Donald Trump’s presence at the GOP presidential debates is making preparation for what’s to come tough for his competitors. The best plan so far calls on getting them all together for a few rounds of full contact dodgeball.

Tom Brady says regarding his suspension over “Deflategate,” “I did nothing wrong.” Which is becoming about as credible a defense strategy as “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

A Pentagon report says that climate change is an “urgent and growing threat” to national security. In other words, they are taking on global warming because they realize they are getting nowhere in their efforts to try and stop ISIS.

A Pentagon report says that climate change is an “urgent and growing threat” to national security. Which means instead of invading other countries, the military will now delegate troops to planting trees and to ask people to recycle their cans and bottles.

A Pentagon report says that climate change is an “urgent and growing threat” to national security. Which means the next time we invade another country, our troops and soldiers from our allies will all be required use military vehicles for carpooling.

A report says the Department of Defense is paying $29 a gallon for alternative fuel for military vehicles to promote green energy. Which will be ironic the next time we invade another country for their oil.

A report says that China is pushing to rewrite the rules of the global Internet, taking away control from the U.S. Which finally explains why Mark Zuckerberg has been spending all that time learning Mandarin.

A report says that China is pushing to rewrite the rules of the global Internet, taking away control from the U.S. Apparently they see the Internet as having more potential than a conduit to social networks, recipe sharing and porn.

A study says that frequent social media use could have a negative impact on the mental health of teenagers. To which most parents of teenagers are asking how can anyone even tell?

A study says that frequent social media use could have a negative impact on the mental health of teenagers. Mostly from the embarrassment that comes from posting to their friends on Facebook only to find a “like” or comment from their parents.

A report says that newspaper newsroom jobs have fallen to their lowest level since they were first tracked in 1978. Which is bad news in that it is bound to trickle down to today’s high schoolers who are only prepared for a career in newspaper delivery.

A report says that newspaper newsroom jobs have fallen to their lowest level since they were first tracked in 1978. What’s worse is that the report was originally circulated on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

A study says that bullying behavior is linked to higher self esteem, social status and a lower rate of depression. Mostly from observing how telling people “You’re fired!” can lead to being a billionaire, TV personality and possibly President.

A report says the world population could reach 9.7 Billion people by 2050. And you thought waiting to download something using dial up Internet service was slow now.

A report says the world population could reach 9.7 Billion people by 2050. Which can only mean one thing. Kevin Federline is single again.

Chinese hackers reportedly breached computers at United Airlines back in May or early June. Apparently they were just detected because United flights scheduled back in May and June are finally making it to the tarmac.

Congress is poised to avert the shutdown of highway funding, but only temporarily. Which shows that the only place there is more gridlock than on the nation’s roads is in the Capitol Building.

A report says there are only four northern white rhinos left on the planet. Which will be down to three if one of them schedules a dental appointment in Minnesota.

A lawsuit could place the standard “Happy Birthday To You” into the public domain. Which means all the waiters at theme restaurants can finally stop having to sing their own corporate birthday songs to customers in order to avoid paying royalties.

Federal officials are investigating why an Allegiant Air jet carrying 144 passengers almost ran out of fuel on a flight to North Dakota. A bigger question was why were there 144 people who actually wanted to fly to North Dakota?

A report says that more Millennials have jobs than did five years ago, and more are also living at home. Mostly because they are claiming their job is cleaning their parents’ pool and mowing the lawn in exchange for letting them live in their basement.

A report says there are safaris that allow people to shoot a white lion for $30,000. Although how macho can it be to use a rifle to shoot a big cat that is known for taking orders on stage from Siegfried and Roy?

Analysts say that T-Mobile could take over the number three spot among wireless carriers from Sprint. Although there is some confusion when AT&T customers say there company is “number 2,” they aren’t talking about how big they are.

A study says that 8 in 10 Americans are in debt. The other two are still too broke from the recession to qualify for anyone to give them credit in the first place.

A study says that 8 in 10 Americans are in debt. So who says the American dream is dead?

A study says that 8 in 10 Americans are in debt. Which is encouraging to know there are still that many people who think it’s important to put their kids through college.

Whirlpool has recalled 40,000 ovens for a faulty rack. There haven’t been that many defective racks recalled since health problems were linked to silicone breast implants.

Whirlpool has recalled 40,000 ovens for a faulty rack. Or as GM calls 40,000 recalls for defective parts, “Tuesday.”

Fiat Chrysler says it aims to repair its broken safety program as part of their settlement with the government over delays in fixing recalled vehicles. Although their contention is that there is no car more safe than the one that can’t make it out of the driveway.

IMF chief Christine Lagarde says the world economy is recovering, but is fragile and faces some downside risks. Which made people wonder if she was talking about global economy or Charlie Sheen’s latest stay in rehab?

Realtors have hired an agency to educate Millennials on what they do. Mostly as a response to what they saw with their parents being convinced to buy a home they couldn’t afford with a loan they didn’t qualify for right before being foreclosed and moving into the family minivan.

A study says that people who text while walking are just as good at avoiding objects in their way as those who don’t use mobile phones while walking. Mostly because after figuring out how to drive, work and socialize all day without looking up from a cellphone, walking is a piece of cake.

A study says that millions of people are reaping the benefits of Obamacare. Mostly Republican members of Congress who are soliciting millions of dollars in campaign donations by running on a platform of repealing Obamacare.

Experts are warning of dangers associated with eyelash extensions. Mostly from people who are wearing them just a little too long and get injured when they trip over them.

A study says that taking St. Johns wort for depression could be dangerous. Especially when the depression is brought on by wasting an hour and a half renting “St. Elmo’s Fire.”

The FDA has approved a “belly balloon” as a weight loss device. Apparently it works by inserting the balloon in patients’ stomachs, and when it is filled with helium they laugh so much at the way they sound that they can’t eat.

A study says that skipping breakfast may be bad for diabetics. Except for the people who became diabetic in the first place by eating breakfast every morning at Krispy Kreme, McDonald’s and Dunkin’ Doughnuts.

Dodgers third baseman Justin Turner was sent to the ER with an exploding leg pimple. To which Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa are saying “Why didn’t we think of calling them that?”

A study says that girls are born with weaker backbones than boys. At least the boys who don’t grow up to become career politicians.

An eight year old Maryland boy has become the first person to undergo a double hand transplant. To which the boy is saying it happened just in time, because in a couple of more years he will be keeping them pretty busy just about every day.

An eight year old Maryland boy has become the first person to undergo a double hand transplant. Which is not good news for prosecutors in the Middle East who say the technology will just allow career criminals to start stealing again.

A study says that jealousy can drive some people to problem drinking. Which means just think how many real musicians are now on the bottle after seeing Justin Bieber become a major star.

A study says that jealousy can drive some people to problem drinking. Especially people who work at Miller Beer who know they have no chance of ever overtaking Budweiser.

One of Judy Garland’s dresses from “The Wizard of Oz” could be auctioned for more than $1 Million. It could be the most costly blue dress in history other than the one worn by Monica Lewinsky.

The New York Post says that Gisele Bundchen went to Paris secretly to have breast implants. Which means that footballs aren’t the only thing that Tom Brady has been deflating.

Victoria’s Secret introduced their new team of Angels, who say they want to keep their personal lives private. Which they will work on just as soon as they are done with their latest publicity tour where they let complete strangers take close up photos of them wearing underwear three sizes too small.

A new Superman comic will have Lois Lane discover Superman’s secret identity. Which doesn’t say much for her as Clark Kent has managed to completely fool her for nearly 80 years by just putting on a pair of horn-rimmed glasses.

David Faustino from “Married With Children” says there may be a spinoff of the program. The show will be about Bud Bundy finally finding work for the first time since the show went off the air in 1997.

Jerry Jones says that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell made the right decision in upholding Tom Brady’s four game suspension over “Deflategate.” Mostly because the Patriots’ fourth game is against the Cowboys.

William “The Refrigerator” Perry is selling his Super Bowl ring which could be auctioned for up to $1 Million. The ring is adorned with several diamonds, which shows that the fridge is never a good place to try to store ice for long.

Former Olympic goalie Jim Craig is selling his gold medal and memorabilia from the 1980 “Miracle on Ice.” Some of the items being sold include jerseys, goalie stick and several used dental crowns, caps and bridges.

A study says the age of the average U.S. vehicle is 11.5 years. Which would be even older when you consider that there is no Chrysler still on the road that was made after 2012.

A study says the age of the average U.S. vehicle is 11.5 years. Mostly because all the GM cars made after 2004 are still in the shop being worked on for the latest recall.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Those of you who have read this blog for awhile know I like to rant about jokes being stolen by late night comedy writers. While it might sound paranoid, and possibly like a stretch that anyone would steal my gags I am not alone. My good comedy writing friend Alex Kaseberg, one of the best writers around has brought a lawsuit against Conan O’Brien for jokes that were very similar to gags he had put out on Twitter the day before. Now jokes about Donald Trump’s hair are pretty much easy for anyone to come up with, but sometimes there are jokes so unique in content and style there is no doubt that they are being lifted. I have given up on making an issue about this since it never goes anywhere, and frankly I just don’t have time to watch late night TV to check and since Leno retired there really isn’t much on that gets my interest. I am just putting this down in support of Alex and hope he is successful in getting justice and maybe opening some doors for us schleps out here who write for fun and would like to see a little reward coming in if someone else is out there using our stuff and passing it off as their own. In the meantime, I will continue to take my pay in the form of when all of you remember to keep sending the love!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Tom Brady’s four game suspension over “Deflategate” was upheld by the NFL. Which just goes to show if you are going to get caught abusing a needle by the NFL, make sure it’s only a hypodermic.

A report says that prices are starting to rise as inflation ticks up in the U.S. Which means either interest rates need to be increased, the monetary supply needs to be decreased or Tom Brady needs to be named to head the Federal Reserve.

Homeownership in the U.S. has dropped to 63.4%, the lowest rate since 1967. The worst part is that people are losing the homes they bought in 1967 because they have taken out second, third and fourth mortgages to pay for their kids’ college tuition.

Homeownership in the U.S. has dropped to 63.4%, the lowest rate since 1967. The other 36.6% figure as long as they have a leather bench seat to sleep on and the kids’ video game console has a USB port, living in the minivan really isn’t all that bad.

A report says that the number of Americans not using the Internet has been staying steady at around 15%. Those are the people who are still trying to figure out how to get their VCR to stop flashing “12:00.”

A report says that the number of Americans not using the Internet has been staying steady at around 15%. The other 85% have already crossed the line and can’t imagine life without eBay, cat videos and unlimited free Internet porn.

President Obama says he is “a pretty good President” and could win a third term if he was able to run. To which Al Gore says he thinks if he ran again he could win for a second time.

A neurologist in Boston says he can actually feel the pain of his patients. Even more so when they don’t have enough money to pay their medical bills.

Movie theaters are starting to play messages asking moviegoers to report any “suspiciously strange characters.” Which means they will be bombarded with calls once they reach the release date for the next “Star Wars” film.

Movie theaters are starting to play messages asking moviegoers to report any “suspiciously strange characters.” Which pretty much means anyone who is willing to fork out $8 to watch an entire Adam Sandler film.

John Boehner cried during an interview on The Golf Channel. Is there anything that doesn’t make him cry? He would be brought to tears on the food network if the chef served red wine with fish.

John Boehner cried during an interview on The Golf Channel. Although so does everyone else who remembers the year 2000 and sees what Tiger Woods’ game is like today.

Prince Charles is warning that we have 35 years left to save the planet from climate change. Which coincidentally is right around the time when Queen Elizabeth II is planning to finally move aside and let Charles take over as King.

Australian reality show stars in Syria were reportedly shot at by members of ISIS. The only question is how do we get those same ISIS forces to come over to the U.S.?

Australian reality show stars in Syria were reportedly shot at by members of ISIS. What kind of reality show do you shoot in Syria, other than one where people get shot at by members of ISIS?

An Allegiant Air jet nearly ran out of fuel before having to land at a North Dakota airport that was temporarily closed to other traffic. Apparently the pilot could only squeeze enough money passing the hat before taking off to cover paying for a half tank of fuel.

An Allegiant Air jet nearly ran out of fuel before having to land at a North Dakota airport that was temporarily closed to other traffic. Which is pretty much the only reason that anyone ever lands at an airport in North Dakota.

An Allegiant Air jet nearly ran out of fuel before having to land at a North Dakota airport that was temporarily closed to other traffic. Apparently the pilot wanted to land at that destination because fuel there is ten cents a gallon cheaper than at other area airports.

The Smithsonian Institution has raised $550,000 to help preserve the space suit worn on the first Moon walk by Neil Armstrong. It was so successful, the Smithsonian is now trying to raise another $3.50 to preserve the suit worn by Ralph Nader since 1964.

A study says that raising fast food workers’ wages to $15 an hour would increase prices by 4%. Which is no big deal to the fast food workers who would then be able to afford to eat something besides fast food.

A report says that Americans have stopped signing up for Twitter. Which is good because it is disturbing enough there are already 34 Million people who actually are on Twitter to find out what Kim Kardashian has to tweet about every day.

A report says that by 2024, health care spending will make up one fifth of the economy. What’s worse is the other four fifths will be for the junk food, alcohol and cigarettes that will make us need the health care in the first place.

A survey says that fewer Americans are trying to avoid eating salt. Mostly because without salt in all our meals, there is just something missing in the way it enhances all the added fat and sugar.

Delta is offering a private jet upgrade for some of its elite passengers. As opposed to Spirit Airlines which considers its elite passengers anyone who can afford to fly Delta.

A paper written by mathematicians says that city traffic is mathematically chaotic. Which apparently means that a butterfly flapping its wings in Nebraska is really the cause for a 50 car pileup in Sacramento.

Volkswagen has passed Toyota as the world’s biggest automaker for the first half of 2015. It would have been GM who made the most cars but dropped down to 18th place after they subtracted all the cars that are currently being recalled.

George Washington University in Washington, D.C. is dropping SAT scores as a requirement. The only numbers the admissions department is interested in is whether the family has a high enough credit score to qualify for the student loan program.

A study says when people smell a sweet and fatty odor they are more likely to eat a high calorie dessert. Which is why when people walk past a Curves for Women gym they immediately start looking around for the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts.

A report says the health care system has reduced the number of deaths, hospitalization and costs for people over 65. Mostly because the fast food industry has made it so half the population never has a chance to get to 65 in the first place.

A study says that instead of drinking less, college students look for ways to limit the consequences of overdoing it. The biggest fear being getting too drunk, blowing the finals, failing all their courses and having to tack another year onto their student loans.

A study says that the higher a person’s income, the more likely they are to drink alcohol. Mostly to show everyone they are really rich when the next day comes around and they can show everyone they have enough money to get their hangover coffee at Starbucks.

A San Diego man who tried to take a selfie with a rattlesnake ended up with a $153,000 medical bill after the snake bit him. Which serves him right for trying to snap a picture before making sure which was the snake’s best side.

A San Diego man who tried to take a selfie with a rattlesnake ended up with a $153,000 medical bill after the snake bit him. Which serves him right for making an asp out of himself.

A San Diego man who tried to take a selfie with a rattlesnake ended up with a $153,000 medical bill after the snake bit him. Apparently he did it after having a flashback to when he was a baby and a photographer told him to “watch the rattle!”

The Olsen twins are reportedly considering a role in the Netflix series “Fuller House.” They just want to make sure their acting abilities won’t be pushed too much so they want to stick with lines they learned for the original series like “goo goo” and “Dada!”

The Cincinnati Reds are celebrating Pete Rose’s all time hit record with a bobblehead giveaway. Fans can hardly wait to see if it will be modeled after Moe-3 Stooges-haircut Pete Rose or balding, bad hair-dye Pete Rose.

The Phoenix Cardinals have hired the first female coach in NFL history. The only difference will be that game film day will instead start out with two hours of cat videos.

Mets reliever Jenrry Mejia has been suspended for 162 games for failing a second PED test. The only question is how bad to you have to be to need steroids to play for the Mets?

Mets reliever Jenrry Mejia has been suspended for 162 games for failing a second PED test. League officials suspected there must be some kind of drug use going on with someone who calls himself “Jenrry.”

The New England Patriots are saying the NFL is “attempting to destroy” the reputation of Tom Brady. Just like Major League Baseball set out to ruin the chances of getting into the Hall of Fame for Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa.

The New England Patriots are saying the NFL is “attempting to destroy” the reputation of Tom Brady. There already isn’t much of a reputation left for someone who can’t even avoid getting caught letting the air out of some footballs.

Microsoft, Apple and Google have all signed a pledge to cut carbon emissions. Which isn’t too hard as the only carbon emissions emitted from their products is when men are burping up CO2 from the beer they are drinking while sitting at their computers looking up Internet porn.

The Italian parliament has drafted a declaration of Internet rights. The first result will be the Sicilian version of Facebook instead of having a “like” button for posts by the mob will have a button for “I didn’t see nothin’.”

A report says that 35% of Twitter’s revenue is used to give stock rewards for executives. The bad news is that they get stock in Twitter instead of the Apple and Google shares they are asking for.

A report says that 35% of Twitter’s revenue is used to give stock rewards for executives. To which Wall Street executives are criticizing them for just throwing away the other 65%.

Four lost leaders of the early English settlement at Jamestown have been identified after 400 years. The problem was for the first 399 years they were trying the futile method of identifying any Englishmen using dental records

Facebook has developed an internal anti-bias training manual. The social media company hopes it will help its workforce to become more diverse and unlike now be made up of many different types of white and Asian males.

A report says Internet porn sites were visited nearly 250,000 times on UK parliament computers last year. No one even knew that Prince Harry had office space in the Palace of Westminster.

President Obama has extended the deadline for his climate plan. Mostly because he knows his position on global warming will be more accepted when things really start to heat up during the Republican presidential debates.

Donald Trump says if elected President he would tap Sarah Palin for a Cabinet position. Which would be a good move as she is the only person who would be able to make some of his positions look somewhat sane.

Donald Trump says he is the best candidate because he is so wealthy, he can’t be bought. Although most of his supporters do wish he could be bribed by a barber who actually knows how to cut hair.

A report says that prisoners may soon be able to get financial aid to take college courses behind bars. As opposed to college students who take courses while in between bars.

A report says that prisoners may soon be able to get financial aid to take college courses behind bars. Which ironically could mean after finishing their degree and not being able to repay the loans they could eventually end up in debtors’ prison.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tom Brady’s suspension for four games over the “Deflategate” scandal has been upheld. Now he is going to have to just spend that time in his mansion in L.A. with his supermodel wife. That will teach him! The main evidence against him was destroying his cellphone before investigators could look at it. He should have just said he loaned it to Naomi Campbell and it came back that way. In any event, I just hope it means the Raiders get to play the Patriots in one of the first four games of the season. That might mean we may only lose by four touchdowns instead of nine. Now that justice has been served in the NFL, we can get back to more important issues. Like all of you making sure you remember to take the time to send the love!

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that Android phones can be hacked by receiving text messages with a picture. Although people are still more comfortable with that possibility than getting a picture sent in a text from Anthony Weiner.

A Google backed company is searching a DNA database to look for genetic patterns in people who have lived exceptionally long lives. Ironically, there are an equal number of people whose lives are cut short because they sit around all day using Google to look up cat videos.

Donald Trump has reportedly sold a Park Avenue penthouse for $21 Million. Not that he’s getting a little ahead of himself, but the latest poll numbers already have him changing the address on his letterhead to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Donald Trump has reportedly sold a Park Avenue penthouse for $21 Million. The price doesn’t include the cost of having someone take down all the wallpaper, portraits and statuary covering the property in the likeness of Donald Trump.

The government has reportedly spent $222,000 for a study on how men look at women when they are drunk. Which could have been done for a lot less money by just having researchers go to a bar five minutes before closing time.

A study says the UK is the destination of choice for the world’s super rich. Mostly because it’s a big status symbol to be able to live there and fly in meals in to avoid having to actually eat any British food.

A study says that sleep deprivation is as bad for people as smoking. Mostly because if people didn’t stay up so late having sex they wouldn’t be having that cigarette afterwards in the first place.

A man was arrested for making it onto a plane with no boarding pass at DFW Airport. Authorities became suspicious as he was the only person in the entire terminal who wasn’t complaining about his seat assignment.

Fiat Chrysler has been ordered t buy back as many as 500,000 Dodge Ram trucks as part of a settlement over recalls. Apparently the company felt it was easier to just buy them back rather than have to replace all but the three or four parts that aren’t defective.

A study says that collisions with other players and not heading the ball are the cause for most soccer concussions. That and players hitting their head on the ground when they flop every time an opposing player comes within ten feet.

A female sprinter with high testosterone levels has won the right to compete against other women. No one even knew that Rosie O’Donnell had taken up competitive running.

A female sprinter with high testosterone levels has won the right to compete against other women. If that didn’t work she figured she could always at least get a tryout with the Baltimore Orioles.

A Swiss army helicopter crossed over into France to help bring water to thirsty cows. The operation resulted in more milk production, better profits for dairy farmers and an unconditional surrender by the French.

A Swiss army helicopter crossed over into France to help bring water to thirsty cows. The Swiss army helicopters are easy to spot. They are the ones with the rotor blades that alternate as a can opener, corkscrew and scissors.

Several cruise lines are offering around the world trips that take as long as six months and cost more than $100,000 that target Baby Boomers. Mostly people who hope being away from the house that long will inspire their kids to move out of the basement.

The Chinese stock market took a huge hit, with an 8.5% loss on Monday. Economists tried to console them by saying that will be nothing compared to when they actually try to get their loan money back from the U.S.

The Chinese stock market took a huge hit, with an 8.5% loss on Monday. The worst news is that thousands of four year olds who have money in the 401(k) plan at their Nike factory have had their retirement pushed back another 20 years.

Fiat Chrysler has agreed to take on an independent safety monitor in light of all their recalls. The worst part is his first directive is to have Chrysler show room salespersons show prospective customers brochures from Volvo.

A website called WFH Ninja is offering excuses that people can use to try to get their boss to let them work from home. So far the most popular one is spending your entire corporate clothing allowance on pajamas.

A 50 cent bet at Saratoga Race Course brought in a payoff of nearly $500,000. Coincidentally, the same bet placed on the Cubs at the beginning of the season to win the World Series would bring in exactly zero.

A 50 cent bet at Saratoga Race Course brought in a payoff of nearly $500,000. Which is not to be confused with the woman who won $2 Million when she bet she could sue 50 Cent over a sex tape.

Wendy’s says it is testing antibiotics-free chicken products. The only concern is that its customers will not enjoy the steroids and hormones will lose some of their edge without the offsetting taste of penicillin.

PETA is now advocating the ethical treatment of humans, mainly handlers who work with wild animals. Although they are still not quite sure how to handle a trainer getting into the pool with Shamu while wearing a wetsuit made out of chinchilla.

A study says that Facebook leads women into trying dangerous diets to try to look like their thinner friends. Which is still healthier than becoming morbidly obese by trying to eat like their other friends who post pictures of all their meals.

The CDC says that Montgomery, Alabama is the most sexually diseased city. Apparently the survey was taken sometime right after a personal appearance tour included a stop there by Paris Hilton.

The CDC says that Montgomery, Alabama is the most sexually diseased city. Mostly because to have sex with any women in Montgomery, men usually have to get so drunk they can’t see straight enough to put on a condom.

A survey says that Americans who are most likely to drink alcohol are educated and wealthy. Mostly because they drink to calm their fears about how they are going to keep any of their wealth after paying off the loans for their education.

A study says that high blood sugar may increase the risk of Alzheimer’s Disease. And vice versa when people with Alzheimer’s eat the second dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts because they forgot they also ate the first.

A study says that only 18% of cosmetic ad claims are trustworthy. The other 72% are when women think using Lancome beauty products will make them look like Uma Thurman or Penelope Cruz.

A study says that only 18% of cosmetic ad claims are trustworthy. The only ads that were even close to being truthful were when Cover Girl showed that their products would let customers look just like a spokesmodel when they hired Ellen DeGeneres.

A study says that low nicotine cigarettes don’t help smokers quit over the long term. The good news is that it will just take their milder cases of emphysema and lung cancer longer to kill them.

A PBS special called “The Bomb” will look back at 70 years of atomic weapons. Although there has been some confusion as many of their viewers mistakenly thought the title meant it was a documentary of the making of all of Adam Sandler’s movies.

An autopsy showed no obvious cause for the possibly drug-related death of Bobbi Kristina Brown. Other than the fact that her genetic makeup came directly from Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston.

Robert Allenby’s former caddie says he doubts the golfer’s story about being mugged at a bar in Hawaii and that it was a result of a drunken fall. Which means that the divot that came out of Allenby’s head can be blamed on a bad lie.

Kobe Bryant says he can play small forward on the Lakers if asked. At least if as usual the other four players remain in their places on the bench.

The NFL says it has new procedures for game balls. Apparently to make sure they are the right PSI they have hired away Mr. Whipple from Charmin to personally squeeze every ball before the opening kickoff.

Russian President Vladimir Putin says that FIFA head Sepp Blatter deserves the Nobel Prize. To which Blatter says he appreciates the sentiment but he already has one as part of the deal to consider Sweden for the World Cup venue.

Taylor Swift has been bumped from an October concert date in Houston because of a potential baseball home playoff game. Which is unfortunate as fans wanted to hear all the songs about her breaking up with the different players on the Astros.

Taylor Swift has been bumped from an October concert date in Houston because of a potential baseball home playoff game. That is just part of the deal of reserving a baseball stadium for a concert in October, unless you don’t mind the risk of being a little cold in Chicago.

Taylor Swift has been bumped from an October concert date in Houston because of a potential baseball home playoff game. Which is fine with the fans because they can see Taylor Swift any time, but the Astros in the playoffs may be a once in a lifetime bet.

New technology will allow pedestrians’ smartphones to talk with approaching cars to avoid them being run over. Unless the car runs them over because smartphone is communicating by sending texts back and forth with the driver.

A new invention will give surgical robots a bendable “wrist.” Which will mostly be used so the robot can maneuver with the necessary precision to pick the patient’s wallet while they are out during the surgery to make sure they pay their hospital bill.

A new invention will give surgical robots a bendable “wrist.” Which will come as great relief to men who are on the list any time soon to have robotic surgery on their prostate.

The AARP says that seniors are losing millions of dollars in online dating scams. Which apparently is making things difficult for some of their other members who happen to be Nigerian princes, vitamin supplement salespersons and reverse mortgage companies.

The AARP says that seniors are losing millions of dollars in online dating scams. It’s said to be the biggest online dating scam since every middle aged man’s online dating profile.

Peru is planning to make contact with a completely isolated Amazon tribe. Apparently the primitive tribesmen have already lawyered up and want to sue Jeff Bezos and Amazon.com for stealing their copyrighted name.

Drumstick maker Everett “Vic” Firth has died at age 85. Doctors say his heart just lost its beat.

Drumstick maker Everett “Vic” Firth has died at age 85. The only company responsible for putting drumsticks into more people’s hands is pretty much Butterball every Thanksgiving.

Jeb Bush explained his immigration plan to Telemundo in Spanish. In the interview he simply said “What’s Spanish for RUN!”

A report from a climate group says that climate change could cost businesses up to $13.8 Trillion by 2100. To which Congress says that is no big deal as they have already spent $17 Trillion they don’t have in just the past 15 years.

On President Obama’s trip to Ethiopia, he was in one motorcade while a separate one carried the bones of the 3.2 Million year old hominid “Lucy.” Apparently officials ordered a additional motorcade for fossilized bones when they mistakenly thought that Obama was bringing along John McCain.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This job of writing jokes is not easy. At least on the days when Donald Trump isn’t giving a speech somewhere. But I keep plugging along trying to master my craft while making no money. Which wouldn’t be so bad if I weren’t doing the same thing in my real job of TV meteorology. But I do it because I enjoy it and I like knowing that my jokes make people laugh. As also do my forecasts. But until I can land a gig where someone actually gives me some cash for these attempts at humor, I will get my payday every time you all remember to send the love!

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Fiat Chrysler is recalling 1.4 Million cars after being showed their cars can be hacked. The only good news is that it took the hackers going through all 1.4 Million cars before they found one that they were actually able to get started.

A town in northern Spain has granted dogs and cats rights as “non-human neighbors.” The declaration means their lives are dignified and protected, so they can now go with their owners on weekends to watch the local bullfights.

A study says that the eight hour workday is a thing of the past, with one of three employees saying they stay at work after hours. Mostly to make up for the time they spend in the office posting pictures of their meals on Facebook, looking at cat videos and watching Internet porn.

A report says that part of the Iran nuclear deal could be the return to Iran of McDonald’s. Who knew the Iranians were less interested in having a nuclear bomb than getting some freshly nuked apple pies.

A study at Ohio State University says that sex and violence in advertising may actually scare away buyers. Researchers at the school found out the only place that sex and violence in advertising still works is when recruiting players for the football team.

A study at Ohio State University says that sex and violence in advertising may actually scare away buyers. If that was really true then why are women in bikinis still in every beer commercial played during the entire NFL season?

A sports car belonging to rapper Grandmaster Flash was mistakenly given to the wrong person by a valet parking attendant. Apparently the valet couldn’t remember whose vehicle it was because he got a contact high from all the smoke still inside the car when he parked it.

A sports car belonging to rapper Grandmaster Flash was mistakenly given to the wrong person by a valet parking attendant. Grandmaster Flash was particularly annoyed at the loss because he just recently had all the bullet holes repaired.

Researchers say the atmosphere on Pluto is thinner than expected and hazy. Which Al Gore is now warning that could be the first sign they are experiencing global warming.

China says it is lifting a ban on making and selling video game consoles. Which will be ironic when the children who would normally be working at the factories making the consoles don’t show up for for their shift because they are at home playing video games all day.

A survey says that Millennials rank retirement savings and paying off debt as their top priorities. The bad part is that the debt they are paying off is from college loans for a degree that gets them a job that doesn’t pay enough to let them put anything away for retirement.

Hillary Clinton says that capitalism is out of balance and needs to be reset. If there is any proof that capitalism needs fixing, it is that it is the very system that put Donald Trump in a position where he can run for President.

The federal government is investigating five airlines for price gouging after the northeast train derailment. All the other airlines were livid, saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”

The federal government is investigating five airlines for price gouging after the northeast train derailment. Which apparently is different from the constant fare increases and gratuitous, unsubstantiated fees they push on their customers all the other times.

Donald Trump is reportedly still battling lawsuits related to his failed Trump University, including one student who says he spent $36,000 and was promised a premier education. To which Trump says what better business education is there than to learn to stop being swindled for $36,000?

Donald Trump is reportedly still battling lawsuits related to his failed Trump University. The students say they knew there was something fishy about taking courses from a college that didn’t even have a Division I football team.

Hulk Hogan was fired by the WWE after it was revealed he used racial slurs on a sex tape. What is even worse for Hogan that since he is a wrestler that the woman he made the sex tape with was faking it.

The FDA wants labels on food packages to cite the amount of added sugars as a percentage of daily calorie intake. Which is easy for food manufacturers who know all they need to do is subtract the percentage of fat and salt and what’s left is the sugar.

A study says that not all pet carriers that are advertised as save perform well in crash tests. Although the crashes wouldn’t even happen if the pets would just learn to stop texting in the car.

A study says that children as young as 8 years old are unhappy with their bodies. Mostly the kids who are at that awkward age between losing their baby fat and expanding on their way towards their adulthood morbid obesity.

A study says that teens who have access to legalized medical marijuana are ten times more likely to become addicted than kids who get it illegally. Which just shows that like with other medications, you still need a prescription to get the really good stuff.

A 563 pound Indiana man is bicycling across the country in order to try to lose weight. He must be serious because he has even enlisted Tom Brady to advise him on how much air to let out of the tires before he puts all that weight on them.

Spelman College in Atlanta has dropped Bill Cosby as endowed professor. Mostly because Cosby seemed to be much more interested in the endowed coeds.

Naomi Campbell has reported joined the staff of “American Horror Story: Hotel” playing the part of a fashion editor. Which is nowhere near as scary as being Campbell’s assistant and getting her mad when she has a cellphone in her hand.

Rapper 50 Cent has been ordered to pay $2 Million to a woman over a sex tape lawsuit. Now that he has declared bankruptcy, the only question is where is he going to come up with the other $1,999,999.50?

A report says that Michael Jackson wanted to play Jar Jar Binks in the “Star Wars” prequels. Apparently he was turned down by George Lucas who wanted to keep the character more like someone who was actually from this universe.

A study says that Eminem has the largest vocabulary of any songwriter. Possibly because Bob Dylan was more into protest songs which limited him from using a wider range of poetic terms like “pimp,” “ho” and “booty.”

Robbie Knievel has pleaded guilty in connection with a drunk driving crash. The bad part is that he could have avoided the wreck completely if he just hadn’t insisted on parallel parking by jumping his car over the one in front of him.

New technology has found hidden texts on ancient parchments that are centuries old. Which is a nice bonus since the technology was originally developed by House Republicans to search out every one of Hillary Clinton’s old e-mails.

Alaska Airlines is using new technology that allows passengers to leave boarding passes and ID behind. Apparently it involves biometric scanners that measure the unique pattern of icicles and frost that form on people’s eyeballs while they are waiting in line for a flight to take them out of Alaska.

Kim Kardashian shared an idea with the CEO of Twitter who responded enthusiastically to have an edit feature that corrects misspellings. Or people could try to learn how to actually use a dictionary.

Researchers have developed a lining material that could be used to contain bomb blasts inside cargo holds. If it proves successful, it could also be used to wrap around the seat on any flights that is assigned to Alec Baldwin.

Shares of Amazon.com stock have risen nearly 27,000% since its first day of trading. Which makes market experts wonder how many stock brokers have jumped out the window after realizing they passed that over back in the ‘90s to put their entire investment portfolio with Pets.com.

Anonymous claims it has hacked into the computers at the Census Bureau. Which if they purge all their records would mean all 320 Million Americans counted in the last census will now pretty much be anonymous.

Bernie Sanders says that the national child care system is a disaster. Which for him means he has to spend several hours every day out on his porch yelling at those kids to get off his lawn.

Bernie Sanders says that the national child care system is a disaster. Why can’t we just be more like China and have those kids pulling 16 hours shifts in a Nike factory?

The FBI says that China is the biggest economic threat to the U.S. Especially if they decide one day to make us actually pay back the trillions of dollars they have loaned us.

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans think that race relations in the country are bad. Nothing points to that more than in the past few years seeing the cancellation of both “Soul Train” and “Sabado Gigante.”

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans think that race relations in the country are bad. Especially when they notice the other 4 seeing nothing wrong with flying the Confederate flag on their porch.

A poll says that Donald Trump is one of the best known but least liked in the field of Republican presidential candidates. Even more interesting is that both of those numbers keep increasing ever time he gives a speech.

Satanic worshippers in Detroit have unveiled an eight foot tall Satanic statue amidst dozens of protesters. The reason there are so many Satanic worshippers in Detroit is because they know when they die, they won’t end up very far from home.

Satanic worshippers in Detroit have unveiled an eight foot tall Satanic statue amidst dozens of protesters. The reason there is so much Satanic worship in Detroit is because the people there know that Hell will consist of buying a brand new GM and having to wait through eternity to get it back from all the recalls.

Missouri is considering ending required algebra for college. Now the only thing the students will have to solve for “x” is which enrollment application forms to put that mark on.

Missouri is considering ending required algebra for college. Which is unfortunate as that would come in handy when students graduate and want to figure out how many hours they will have to work at minimum wage to pay off all their college loans.

Missouri is considering ending algebra as one of its requirements for college. To which students in Alabama are asking “What are requirements?”

Missouri is considering ending required algebra for college. The only algebra colleges care about now is for their quarterback to know how long he must wait for his receiver to run down the field before launching a 60 yard pass.

A study says that around 60% of Americans will live in poverty for at least a year before they are 60. Which is better than after they reach 60, when they will then live pretty much every year in poverty.

A study says that around 60% of Americans will live in poverty for at least a year before they are 60. Which is good news for most people who already got that out of the way between 2007 and now.

A study says that around 60% of Americans will live in poverty for at least a year before they are 60. The other 40% will get around that by not going to college and taking out any tuition loans.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s back to the grind. Hope these jokes take some of the gloom away on your Monday. Mostly because you know there are only four more days in the rest of the week for me to do any writing. I am glad that you log in every day to read the blog. Surprised, but glad. And of course, you know I never charge a thing. Mostly because I haven’t found anyone who will actually fork out any cash if I asked. Instead, I always get my rewards when you all remember to take the time to make sure to send the love!

Friday, July 24, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Anthony Weiner has been hired by a crisis P.R. firm in New York City. Apparently his advice to all clients who are dealing with a crisis will be “don’t do anything I did.”

Anthony Weiner has been hired by a crisis P.R. firm in New York City. The same firm is considering hiring Tom Brady to head up its ethics division.

Anthony Weiner has been hired by a crisis P.R. firm in New York City. Apparently they want someone familiar with politics on board when they get the inevitable call for help from the Donald Trump campaign.

A report says the wage gap between CEOs and workers has jumped to a record high 373 to 1. Which means it is easy to calculate the salary of a company’s CEO, just multiply 373 times the current minimum wage.

A study says American teens are having less sex, especially boys. Mostly because the boys are being shut out with all the competition from middle aged men on Myspace.

A study says American teens are having less sex, especially boys. The study says the reasons are fear of disease, not wanting an unplanned pregnancy and that boys are finally telling the truth.

A study has found a link between college students’ majors and their parents’ income. For instance, anyone who graduates with a degree in philosophy must have very wealthy parents who can support them through their lifelong unemployment.

A study has found a link between college students’ majors and their parents’ income. Mostly meaning that any students with majors like law or medicine that requires postgraduate education are being dropped off at school every morning in a limousine.

An opening date for the movie “Jurassic World” has already been set for June 22, 2018. If that was an Adam Sandler film, it would mean the screenwriters would have to start work on June 21, 2018.

An opening date for the movie “Jurassic World” has already been set for June 22, 2018. If producers for a “Star Wars” or “Star Trek” movie  did that there would immediately be lines of people dressed as Cylon warriors at every movie theater in the country.

United Airlines reported a record quarterly profit of $1.2 Billion. The company attributes their success to more efficiency, fewer frills and fuel savings from not having any planes that have actually taken off on a flight in the past two years.

A report says that 86% of Etsy businesses are owned by women. Business experts were surprised at the other 14%. They had no idea any men had ever even heard of Etsy.

AT&T is planning to boost activation fees for new customers. Which wouldn’t be a problem for most people if it meant that doing it would actually guarantee their AT&T device would become active when they try to use it.

Buick is launching a new plan called the “24 Hours of Happiness Test Drive” which allows prospective buyers to try out a car for a full day. As opposed to Chrysler owners who are happy if their car makes it 24 hours without needing to call roadside assistance.

Buick is launching a new plan called the “24 Hours of Happiness Test Drive” which allows prospective buyers to try out a car for a full day. The only question is whether the name for the promotion came from Madison Avenue or off some Buick executive’s fortune cookie.

Donald Trump says Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show” wants him on as a guest. Although from a ratings standpoint, Comedy Central executives would rather sign him on as permanent co-host.

Donald Trump says “The Daily Show” wants him on as a guest. Mostly the writing staff who know they would get a day off because no one could ever write anything as comically bizarre as an hour of Donald Trump in front of a camera.

Google says it is testing self-driving cars in tricky road situations. For instance, they want to test the car in real Los Angeles conditions such as knowing directions to Dodger Stadium and also to make sure to drop the passengers off in the third inning and come back to pick them back up in the sixth.

Moody’s is admitting it miscalculated subprime bond ratings seven years ago. Apparently they wanted to just be sure and hold off on announcing the mistake until the last home with a subprime loan from 2008 had finally gone through foreclosure.

Carnival Cruise Lines has settled a claim over discrimination against people with disabilities. Apparently Carnival thought it was enough to equip all their wheelchairs with a sail and rudder for when the ship inevitably goes down.

Carnival Cruise Lines has settled a claim over discrimination against people with disabilities. Part of the suit was to lower the height of the railings so people in wheelchairs have the same opportunity to lean over the side of the ship to get sick.

A report says that Comcast is not suffering from the effects of cord cutting as fast as expected. Mostly because the company is telling customers the earliest they can have someone come over for a disconnect is some time in 2018.

A report says bad road conditions cost drivers an average of $516 a year in repairs. Which is good news for Chrysler owners who usually expect to spend at least $2,500 a year in repairs.

Tom Brady is leading the NFL in merchandise sales. In fact, he is so popular that Nike is considering starting a line of shoes called “No Air Bradys.”

A survey lists the top regrets of wealthy people. Which was from the ones who are serving time for what they did to get rich whose only regret was “getting caught.”

A report says the number of people seeking unemployment aid in the U.S. is at the lowest level in 42 years. Economists were surprised. Was there was a depression everyone forgot about back in 1973?

Comcast reports for the first time ever they have more Internet customers than TV subscribers. Mostly from men who figure why pay to watch “The Kardashians” on TV when they can see all kinds of pictures of Kim Kardashian naked online?

An e-cigarette like device lets people inhale caffeine. Apparently it is a lot less messy and painful than when they tried to put one end of a straw in a Starbucks double espresso and the other end in their nose.

Legislators and doctors are calling on pharmaceutical companies to justify soaring drug prices. To which the pharmaceutical company CEOs are saying that they aren’t just giving away those vacation homes in the Hamptons.

A study says the number of teens having sex is at its lowest since the 1980s. Which means that smartphones have finally done what TV and video games couldn’t, take more of teenage boys attention than girls.

Scientists are developing a pill that would let people who are on gluten-free diets eat pasta. The research is being done with a grant from the government, medical schools and Olive Garden.

A study says that e-cigarettes are just as addictive as tobacco cigarettes. Although vaping won’t really be accepted as trendy until it actually requires that it makes people spend time in rehab.

Studies say that exercise cuts down on symptoms of Alzheimer’s Disease. Except when the exercise is walking around the parking lot for three hours trying to remember where you parked the car.

After reports that a major earthquake is inevitable in Washington, the Seattle Times says people are buying up earthquake survival kits. Which in Seattle is 200 bags of Starbucks and a solar powered Keurig.

The National Association of Theater Owners says the average movie ticket price last year was $8.61. Which was nothing compared to the average cost of $53 at the concession stand for a popcorn, soft drink and box of Milk Duds.

A new Dr. Suess book, “What Pet Should I Get?” will be published next week, nearly 25 years after the author’s death. The good news is that it still comes out in time to make it onto the summer book reading list of George W. Bush.

A new Dr. Suess book, “What Pet Should I Get?” will be published next week, nearly 25 years after the author’s death. Dr. Suess’ popularity evident by the fact he was way ahead of his time. He was rhyming before anyone ever heard of Eminem.

The University of Texas has stopped giving free meals to coaches and assistants in student dining halls in order to save the school $300,000 a year. The school thought the savings would be better used by the athletic department for equipment, scholarships and bail money.

Golfer Robert Allenby fired his caddy in the middle of the round while on his way to shooting an 81. At least Tiger Woods had the decency to let Stevie Williams go before he quit breaking 80.

Golfer Robert Allenby fired his caddy in the middle of the round while on his way to shooting an 81. After which his caddy tried to make up by inviting him out for some drinks at a wine bar.

A report says that drug testing may come to video gaming competitions. Apparently there have been rumors of steroids ever since some of the gamers showed up to matches with thumbs the size of biceps.

A report says that drug testing may come to video gaming competitions. So far three of the gamers have tested positive for Doritos, Oreos and Papa John’s.

Three Estonians have been jailed for a malware spree that infected 4 Million computers. Industry experts were shocked. When did Estonia get the Internet?

AT&T reported adding 2.1 Million new customers, mostly through tablets and cars. Communications experts were surprised. There were 2.1 Million people who have never heard what it’s like to be with AT&T?

AT&T reported adding 2.1 Million new customers, mostly through connected cars. Which will work for Chrysler car owners who will be able to call for a tow truck after they push their car three miles to a place where they can actually get an AT&T connection.

Youtube cofounder Chad Hurley has endorsed a paid version of the video site. Mostly because he knows people will shell out all kinds of cash the minute you start talking about taking away their ability to watch unlimited cat videos.

Donald Trump says his relationship with Hispanics is “very good.” In fact, he intends to give Hispanics all kinds of jobs, mainly with low wage construction helping to build the fence that will keep them on their side of the border.

Jeb Bush is being criticized for saying we should “phase out” Medicare. Or as that appears on a political speech translator, “I would like everyone who is 55 or older to just vote for anyone else.”

Jeb Bush is being criticized for saying we should “phase out” Medicare. Which is pretty much the same as saying he should just phase out any chances he has of getting into the White House.

Donald Trump says he backs legal immigration. Just as long as it involves foreigners immigrating back to their own countries.

Ohio Governor John Kasich says he’ll have “no problem standing out.” Which is good because when the first Republican presidential debate takes place with the top ten candidates, left standing out of the auditorium is exactly where he will be.

President Obama told a group of teenagers that he is proof they can achieve anything in life if they try hard enough. Although most teens look up more to George W. Bush who shows they can achieve anything in life while not doing anything.

Donald Trump is threatening a run for President as an independent. Which would be a good fit as his campaign is independent of thought, policies or ideas.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I would just like to take this time to send out some thanks to Donald Trump for making slow news days go by much faster. When there is a lack of material for jokes, all it takes is one speech by Trump and the writer’s block just seems to disappear. The only problem is that if he is elected I will enjoy the continued supply of material but I would miss the country. I guess 200 plus years has to be considered a pretty good run. I hope you all have a good weekend and enjoy the U.S. while it is still here. And oh yes, make sure to remember to always send the love!