Sunday, September 15, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump says energy efficient light bulbs make him look orange. Which makes anyone truly believing that a real dim bulb.


Donald Trump says energy efficient light bulbs make him look orange. Especially right after he finishes one of his sessions in the spray tan booth.


Donald Trump says energy efficient light bulbs make him look orange. Which is almost as bad as how having to deal with anything that is environmentally friendly makes him see red.


Felicity Huffman was sentenced to 14 days in jail in the college admissions scandal along with a $30,000 fine. Which shows she learned her lesson about bribing a college by getting a shorter sentence with a $30,000 payoff to the court.


Rob Gronkowski says he probably had 20 concussions. Even worse is that those are just the ones he remembers getting.


Rob Gronkowski says he probably had 20 concussions. Which will really be a shock to him when he comes to and finds out he retired when he was 29.


A report says AI synthetic brains will allow humans to operate 500 versions of themselves at once. The good news that doing the work of 500 people will allow them to possibly keep their jobs at Amazon more than a couple of weeks.


Tropical Storm Humberto could ravage the Bahamas weeks after the area was hit by Dorian. Which means any day now Donald Trump will order the evacuation of Alabama.


A survey says one third of U.S. families sit in silence while eating dinner. Whatever happened to the old days when people ate a traditional meal with the TV on in the background?


A survey says one third of U.S. families sit in silence while eating dinner. Which they have to otherwise no one would be able to concentrate on what they are doing on Facebook and Twitter.


A survey says one third of U.S. families sit in silence while eating dinner. Mostly because they don’t want to be like the other two thirds who spend meals constantly fighting with each other.


Internet porn company Bang Brothers has bid $10 Million for the naming rights to Miami Heat Arena. The worst part will be the announcers having to follow any mention of the hardwood floor with “You said hard wood!”


A man was found dead rolled up in a carpet outside a New York City Starbucks. The worst part is the victim’s name was scrawled on the carpet and was misspelled.


A report says small businesses are losing support for Donald Trump. Especially the small businesses that used to be big and medium businesses.


A New Zealand man chose to bring a support clown in to a hearing over losing his job. Which pretty much confirmed the company’s rationale for firing the guy.


A New Zealand man chose to bring a support clown in to a hearing over losing his job. Apparently his idea to deal with management was to fight fire with fire.


A New Zealand man chose to bring a support clown in to a hearing over losing his job. Which might have only been a good idea if his job was working for Ronald McDonald.


Donald Trump called Egyptian President el-Sisi “My favorite dictator.” To which el-Sisi said “Likewise.”


New York police arrested a man on the observation deck of the Empire State Building after he pulled out a sword. The question being didn’t anyone notice it before that someone was going to the top of the Empire State Building carrying a sword?


The U.S. has fined Japan Airlines $30,000 for long delays. Mostly because there were several complaints from United they were taking up all the best spots to park on the tarmac.


The Sackler family of Purdue Pharmacy is accused of hiding $1 Billion in Swiss accounts. To which the Sacklers say that story is full of holes.


The Sackler family of Purdue Pharmacy is accused of hiding $1 Billion in Swiss accounts. To which the Sacklers are saying “Hey, we gotta live!”


Joe Biden appeared to almost lose his teeth during the Democratic debate. If he has a plan for the infrastructure, he should start with working on his own bridge.


The Missouri Attorney General has referred 12 former Catholic priests for prosecution for sex crimes. Apparently they decided to not prosecute any current priests because without them who would give the busted ones confession?


An Ohio man drove his truck into a hospital Emergency Room. Which makes sense as where else would he be expected to create an emergency?


A travel agent is suspected of scamming Delta out of $1.75 Million in frequent flier miles. People were surprised. There are still people working as travel agents?


A travel agent is suspected of scamming Delta out of $1.75 Million in frequent flier miles. Which surprised the people at United. There are airlines that actually have frequent fliers?


A report says Wells Fargo staffers blamed for the fake accounts scandal are having trouble getting jobs. Have they tried applying to admissions counselors at any major universities?


A report says Wells Fargo staffers blamed for the fake accounts scandal are having trouble getting jobs. Which they have been put on the waiting list back at Wells Fargo just as soon as the company reopens its stagecoach drivers department.


California is advancing a bill to cap consumer loan interest rates 36% above the Fed’s main interest rate. That way borrowers will get a full two more years before going bankrupt.


Fed Chair Jerome Powell says he doesn’t expect a recession. But then the people of Alabama weren’t expecting to get hurricane warnings ahead of Dorian.


A court has thrown out a five cent “forever stamp” price hike. Which brings two questions. Will stamp prices drop? And, who still even sends anything through the Post Office anymore?


Papa John’s and Simmons College in Kentucky are blaming each other for pulling scholarships from ten students. Which is no big deal since those students would have only been able to use their degrees to get a job delivering pizzas for Papa John’s.


MoviePass ticketing subscription service has reportedly shut down for good. Which in cinematic terms is there will be no sequel.


Some states are charging people extra for buying electric vehicles. Or as they prefer to call it, charging a surcharge for cars that need a charge.


Some states are charging people extra for buying electric vehicles. Which gives a whole new definition to the term “sticker shock.”


A survey says 55% of Americans own shares of stock. Which means the next time the market crashes, they will all be stock-broker.


A survey says 55% of Americans own shares of stock. The other 45% are saying forget the stock market, they can barely afford to buy anything at the supermarket.


Whole Foods is dropping health care for part time workers. Their solution is to just stay healthy by eating only groceries they buy at Whole Foods. 


Whole Foods is dropping health care for part time workers. Which means owner Jeff Bezos is turning that store into the Amazon of the grocery industry.


The New Jersey Senate President is proposing to ban all vaping products. Which might be a mistake as the air they produce is actually safer than breathing in Newark.


The FDA has found cancer-linked elements in common heartburn drugs. That will certainly give anyone using those remedies some indigestion.


A Tennessee baby born on 9/11 at 9:11 weighed in at 9 lbs., 11 oz. Although things didn’t get really creepy until it was found out the parents chose to name it Little Osama.


A Tennessee baby born on 9/11 at 9:11 weighed in at 9 lbs., 11 oz. Which when the child turns 16 it will be telling the parents that it was in the stars to buy a 911 Porsche.


Groupon for medical care is becoming more popular. The only problem is the discount prices mean any surgery coupons will have the operations done by the orderlies.


Groupon for medical care is becoming more popular. The catch is when getting a heart transplant for half price, the coupon doesn’t guarantee which animal the heart comes from.


Terry Bradshaw says he “can’t stand” guys like Antonio Brown. How bad is this guy’s behavior when he is even too much for Terry Bradshaw to take?


Terry Bradshaw says he “can’t stand” guys like Antonio Brown, saying players like that prevent titles. Which brings the question just how obnoxious is everyone on the Jets?


A study says hockey legend Stan Mikita suffered from CTE. Which should have been apparent when he agreed to make a cameo appearance in the movie “Wayne’s World.”


Tim Tebow blasted the idea of paying college athletes. Which seems hypocritical coming from someone who is willing to take money to play in the Mets farm system.


ESPN is reviving “NFL Primetime” with Chris Berman and Tom Jackson. The question being who was responsible for making the show possible by reviving Chris Berman?


The NOAA chief is praising the agency’s scientists after the statement backing Donald Trump’s tweet about Hurricane Dorian. Neil Jacobs says that sometimes the scientists’ forecasts can also be right.


A watchdog group says the State Department is not protecting its bomb-sniffing dogs. It’s just nice to know there is a watchdog group watching out for our watch dogs.


A watchdog group says the State Department is not protecting its bomb-sniffing dogs. Mostly because if they really cared about those dogs, would they let them be out sniffing bombs?


John Boehner showed off a portrait of himself painted by George W. Bush. Although some question how well Bush even knew Boehner as the painting doesn’t portray him holding a golf club, smoking a cigarette or crying.


The U.S. has sanctioned North Korean hacking groups that stole $571 Million in cryptocurrency. Which is OK because all the Bitcoin they pilfered in another week will be worth about $37.50.


A study says when fathers exercise, their children are born healthier. The first sign being they need to last more than the three minutes they usually take for sex when trying to conceive.


A study says women and Baby Boomers are the biggest tippers. Mostly because they want their Millennial kids who are serving them to have enough cash to finally move out of the basement.


A study says road rage fatalities have increased by 500% over the past ten years. Apparently some people just can’t handle being interrupted while they are sending out their texts.


A study says 54,000 people in the Seattle area spend 90 minutes or longer getting to work. Which they could cut back if they didn’t stop at three different Starbucks on the way.


Researchers say Hepatitis C infected kidneys are likely to function as well as others after transplants. The only problem is that six months later the patients need a new liver.


A study says taking too many naps is linked to heart attacks, after another study says naps are good for the heart. So who will be able to even fall asleep thinking about all of that?


A study says taking too many naps is linked to heart attacks. Which means taking just that one too many could result in it becoming a dirt nap.


A study says the high cost of living is causing people to leave Vermont. Which Republicans say is all the fault of electing that socialist Senator Bernie Sanders.


A study says the high cost of living is causing people to leave Vermont. The real question for those people being how did you even end up living in Vermont in the first place?


A study says the high cost of living is causing people to leave Vermont. Which isn’t that bad once you get past paying for snow removal and heating your home eight months of the year.


A $4.99 app called Streaks helps people form good habits. The question being how to stop bad habits like paying money to allow a cellphone app to run your life?


A new lawsuit against Uber will test its classification of workers. The question being should they be considered indentured servants or slaves?


The NLRB has told Google to remind their staff they have the right to complain about working conditions. Which Google has the right to ask them if they would rather be working at Amazon.


The CIA has declassified Cold War missions with spy pigeons. We have come a long way, with pigeons now trained by intelligence to send out misinformation to our enemies on social media.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Starting off another week with the best jokes you will find anywhere online, if I may say so myself. Which I can because it’s my blog. But I also have my own daily comedy podcast, the only one in existence that I know of that you might want to try out. It’s called News Jokes By Jim (clever) and you can link to it right here:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-9-13-2019/id1416271102?i=1000449641626  Give it a listen so you can hear the jokes instead of having to read them. That gives you the chance to get all the jokes no matter where you are. Feel free to subscribe to get all the episodes sent right to your device, and make sure to tell all your friends both real and on social media. All that’s left after that is to remember to always keep on sending the love!

Friday, September 13, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says Donald Trump ordered the NOAA statement that Alabama was at risk from Hurricane Dorian. His next order will be for the Weather Service to forecast everything 10 degrees cooler to discredit the idea of global warming.


A Florida woman who claimed to be a psychic healer to cheat a Houston woman out of $1.6 Million has been sentenced to prison. She could have gotten away with the same thing by instead just registering as a church.


A survey says 95% of Americans are “troubled” by the current state of the media. Especially the ones who depend on getting all their news reports from Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.


A survey says 95% of Americans are “troubled” by the current state of the media. Mostly the ones who were sad to lose the only real sources of news when Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert left at the same time.


John Bolton is out as National Security Adviser with no announced future plans. Although judging by past Trump Administration workers he will either become a commentator with Fox News or the newest contestant on “Dancing With The Stars.”


The next generation of aircraft will reportedly track bathroom visits. Mostly because passengers linger there as it’s the only seat on the plane where you don’t have to fight over the armrest, listen to a screaming baby or have your seat kicked by the kid behind you.


The next generation of aircraft will reportedly track bathroom visits. Which is only a problem for those who didn’t see the movie “Airplane” and decided to order the fish.


A study says more than half of all Americans feel OK with the government using facial recognition technology responsibly. At least as long as the public can have access to the images to post them online instead of selfies.


Scientists have created a device that can mass produce human embryos. We already have 7.7 Billion people on the planet. How many more do we really need to make?


Scientists have created a device that can mass produce human embryos. Don’t we already have that? She’s called the Octomom.


The Marshall Islands in the Pacific are making a go of their own cryptocurrency. Apparently there is too much volatility of their old monetary system of seashells and coconuts.


The Marshall Islands in the Pacific are making a go of their own cryptocurrency. The best part is their virtual money all features the likeness of Gilligan.


An L.A. art museum is partnering with porn site Pornhub for a fine art exhibit of sexuality. Which so far is the only way yet devised to get men interested in actually going to visit an art museum.


A Florida woman has been banned for life from Disney after having a meltdown over a cigarette. Which Disney may reconsider its smoking ban knowing they could get away with selling cigarettes for $150 a pack.


A Florida woman has been banned for life from Disney after having a meltdown over a cigarette. It turns out smoking was banned there when Walt Disney blamed cigarettes for stunting the growth of all seven dwarfs.


Kim Kardashian says she may move her family to Wyoming. Mostly because it’s so wide open it’s the only state that has enough room for her backside and Kanye West’s ego.


Kim Kardashian says she may move her family to Wyoming. Apparently after driving through the state she liked it so much she just decided why not just buy the darn thing?


Major League Baseball has already set an all-time home run record for the season at 6,105. The main reason being that 5,940 were served up by the Orioles’ pitching staff.


A study says spending time with friends lowers the risk of dementia. Which is mostly from not wanting to have to relearn all of their names every time they get together.


Marianne Williamson says conservatives are nicer to her than liberals. Which is just because they want her to get the nomination to run against Donald Trump and guarantee his win in 2020.


Water has been found for the first time on a “potentially habitable” planet 111 light years away. To which the people of Flint, Michigan are saying that may be worth the effort to move there.


A Saudi princess received a suspended sentence in the beating and kidnapping of a plumber at her luxury Paris hotel. It was the worst treatment received by a hotel plumber since Watergate.


A Saudi princess received a suspended sentence in the beating and kidnapping of a plumber at her luxury Paris hotel. Authorities would have never even found out about the crime if there hadn’t been a leak.


“Jersey Shore” star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has been released from prison serving time for tax evasion. Making his new routine “Gym + Tan + Laundry + check with the accountant.”


A report says Facebook and Instagram app downloads have fallen 10-15%. Mostly from people realizing without the apps they have another eight hours to find two extra part time jobs.


Kim Clijsters is trying a tennis comeback at age 36. Mostly because with Roger Federer at 38 and Serena Williams at 37, there are still matches where she will be referred to as “kid.”


The Nissan Rogue is under investigation for an emergency brake that turns on for no reason. No one has any idea what caused it, meaning the defective part must have just gone rogue.


A report says the number one college major for salary and jobs is naval architecture and marine engineering. Although so far, the only college offering it is the University of Atlantis.


A report says the number one college major for salary and jobs is naval architecture and marine engineering. Which is great for anyone finding a company that wants to build an underwater city.


A report says the number one college major for salary and jobs is naval architecture and marine engineering. The only problem is that any structures financed with subprime loans could end up underwater.


Nintendo has a new fitness game called “Ring Fit Adventure” that features jogging in place. Which helps to make up for gamers who spend the other 16 hours a day of video game playing stretched out on the couch.


Nestle, the world’s biggest food supplier wants to eliminate greenhouse gas emissions by 2050. Which will be tough for a company selling dairy products to people who are lactose intolerant.


Walmart says it is expanding its unlimited grocery delivery program. The question being how can you expand something that is already unlimited?


GM is recalling 3.8 Million trucks and SUVs with brake issues. Which until they are fixed can still be used by deploying the emergency land anchor out the window.


GM is recalling 3.8 Million trucks and SUVs with brake issues. The trick is when bringing it back to the dealer, make sure to hit the brake pedal about two miles away from the parking lot.


A Delaware woman who didn’t know she was pregnant gave birth in a toilet. The baby is reported to be doing well, although doctors said it seemed a little flushed.


A Delaware woman who didn’t know she was pregnant gave birth in a toilet. Which prompted her to ask if this was possibly how Michael Phelps started out.


A white couple gave birth to an Asian daughter because of a mix-up at a sperm bank. They should have known something was wrong when the sample arrived in a white takeout box.


145 CEOs are asking the Senate to pass gun control legislation. Mostly because they are worried about all the people they are laying off coming back for revenge.


An Illinois teenager with a vaping illness reportedly now has lungs like a 70 year old. From that and also sitting around doing nothing all day since he was 5.


Meghan Markle has ended her maternity leave to promote a new fashion line for charity. Which is different from her other charity, “Meghan Markle Just Married A Prince!”


Meghan Markle has ended her maternity leave to promote a new fashion line for charity. The main question being taking a maternity leave from what?


“90 Day Fiance” star Larissa Dos Santos Lima has broken up with boyfriend Eric Nichols. Which if Donald Trump had instead hosted that show, his catch phrase would be “You’re Deported!”


Terrence Howard, star of the Fox show “Empire” says he will quit acting to “bring truth to the world.” Which if nothing else means he is not moving over to Fox News.


The new season of “Married At First Sight” will feature five new couples and two hour episodes. That way they will be able to film the entire length of most couples' marriages.


The Football Hall of Fame has picked 122 nominees for next summer. Which they will narrow down to the four or five still able to memorize more than three lines of an acceptance speech.


The NFL has launched a $3 Million challenge to develop a safer helmet. The only restriction is no designing any helmets using Takata airbags.


A University of Tennessee fourth grade fan who was bullied over a home-made t-shirt was given a full ride scholarship to the school for 2032. Which means by then that t-shirt would have a net value of around $3 Million.


A University of Tennessee fourth grade fan who was bullied over a home-made t-shirt was given a full ride scholarship to the school for 2032. Provided by then he can throw a football 60 yards.


Jets quarterback Sam Darnold is out after coming down with mono. Which at this point team doctors are just glad any kissing didn’t lead to catching cooties.


LeBron James’ attempt to trademark “Taco Tuesday” was rejected. Apparently “Tuesday” is already owned by the Mardi Gras people which is also covered under “Fat Tuesday.”


The Browns say they are still looking for the fan who dumped a beer on the Titans Logan Ryan. Although the investigation has stalled as no true Browns fan would ever see fit to waste a beer.


Democratic candidates were warned not to swear during the ABC televised debate. Although network executives were much more concerned about the possibility of a Bernie Sanders wardrobe malfunction.


The EPA has suspended Obama-era clean water rules to spur economic development. Although if dirty water makes for a better economy, why isn’t Flint, Michigan in the middle of a boom?


A study says the universe may be 2 Billion years younger than previously thought. Although some scientists suspect it may just be the result of it having had a little work done.


A survey says 73% of Americans think it’s easier to go to the ER than get a doctor’s appointment. Which is true as an appointment takes three weeks, while patients in the ER only have to wait about ten days to be treated.


A study says fewer economically attractive men are to blame for the decline in marriage. Which shows how handsome you can become by just inheriting a few million dollars.


A study says fewer economically attractive men are to blame for the decline in marriage. Which seems to confirm any speculation that women are just into getting married for the money.


A study says men and Millennials are the worst tippers. Mostly because they would rather leave nothing than admit they have no idea how to figure out what 20% of the bill comes to.


A study says car shoppers can save $14,000 buying a three year old car instead of a new one. Especially with a Chrysler that is free after three years because it doesn’t run anymore.


Maine will receive $2 Million to study lobsters. That’s like giving money to someone in Vermont to study snow.


Maine will receive $2 Million to study lobsters. A preliminary report on the findings of the research say “Delicious!”


A study says air quality in Beijing has improved over the past five years. Enough so that researchers could actually see well enough to find Beijing to do the study.


A study says microplastics stunt the growth of worms. It was so dramatic, inchworms are now having to be renamed “half-inchworms.”


A study says high schoolers who don’t date are less depressed than those who do. At least that’s what researchers who could never get dates in high school want everyone to think.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another successful week of the best original topical jokes you will find anywhere is at an end. Don’t worry, I will be back with a fresh batch on Monday. In the meantime, feel free to give my daily comedy podcast a try. It’s called News Jokes By Jim (clever) and the link to find it is right here.  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-9-12-2019/id1416271102?i=1000449520170  It’s pretty much all the jokes here in audio form, which gives you the ability to hear all the jokes whenever you want right from your device. How easy is that? If you subscribe, all the episodes will be sent right to that device and if you have some extra time you can go back and listen to some of the still relevant older episodes. Make sure to tell your friends about it so they listen and help get the numbers up which gives me the incentive to keep it going. Other than that, all I ever ask is that you remember to always keep on sending the love!