Thursday, January 17, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Nancy Pelosi has asked Donald Trump to reschedule the State of the Union speech amid the government shutdown. She is actually doing it a favor to him because as of now, the state of the union is pretty much “Everything’s closed but you can still get your mail!”

A survey says most Americans couldn’t cover a $1,000 expense. Like rent, which is why all those Millennials are still living in their parents’ basement.

A chef was killed in a hammer attack in a New York restaurant. Apparently the culprit misunderstood that it was the eggs that needed beating.

Best selling author Sherrilyn Kenyon is claiming she was poisoned by her husband. Which not only brought an end to her marriage, but on a good note also her writer’s block.

A study says Americans spend half their waking hours looking at screens. The other half is spent telling their kids to quit looking at theirs.

A study says Americans spend half their waking hours looking at screens. The other half is spent making sure their wives, girlfriends and bosses can’t see what they are looking at.

A study says Americans spend half their waking hours looking at screens. The other half is spent opening the packages containing all the junk they ordered while looking at their screens.

Chinese schools are scanning children’s brains to see if they are concentrating. The ones that are get immediately promoted over to the assembly line in the Nike factory.

A survey says Millennials are more familiar with emojis than car dashboard warning lights. Mostly because the only one they care about is the “out of guacamole” light.

A survey says Millennials are more familiar with emojis than car dashboard warning lights. Mostly because that is something that is only important to their Uber driver.

Republicans are urging Steve King to resign from Congress because of his white supremacist comments. Mostly because he would be much more at home in the Trump Cabinet.

Hindus are planning to converge in the largest ever human gathering. Which is otherwise known as “India.”

Nike has unveiled a basketball shoe that can be laced with a smartphone app. Although athletic footwear is of no use to someone who can use a smartphone but can’t tie a shoe.

The Catholic Church is urging to avoid touching as the flu season spreads. In other words, do everything exactly the same as always.

The Catholic Church is urging to avoid touching as the flu season spreads. To which all the altar boys are saying “Thank you!”

A report says network news coverage of Donald Trump in 2018 was 90% negative. People were surprised. Fox News Channel counts for 10% of all TV news?

A witness says drug lord El Chapo paid a former Mexican president a $100 Million bribe. Which means “El Chapo” is really Spanish for “the lobbyist.”

A witness says drug lord El Chapo paid a former Mexican president a $100 Million bribe. Considering he is now on trial in the U.S. he should be asking for at least a partial refund.

A witness says drug lord El Chapo paid a former Mexican president a $100 Million bribe. He originally was going to pay him $250 Million, which is why he is now called “El Cheapo.”

A witness says drug lord El Chapo paid a former Mexican president a $100 Million bribe. Which he wishes he had back now that he is on trial in the U.S. and that amount won’t even begin to cover his legal bills.

A report says a large number of young adults are dropping out of church. Apparently once they get past their teens, the priests just quit paying attention to them.

A report says a large number of young adults are dropping out of church. Mostly because only one out of 32 NFL fans gets their prayers answered for a Super Bowl Championship.

An Irish man reportedly injected himself with his own semen to treat his back pain. Apparently he didn’t quite understand what his health insurance company told him to go and do.

Consumers say brands shouldn’t bring politics to the Super Bowl. Which is a good idea as the last people who are interested in politics are those who spend 12 hours every Sunday sitting on the couch getting drunk while watching eight football games.

An anonymous email accused the Green Berets of lowering their standard due to recruiting challenges. The final straw was when they allowed the White House to demand they change their headwear from the Green Beret to the MAGA hat.

A Texas man who joined ISIS says he “wanted to see what the group was about.” Which means he probably should have been a bit more particular when doing research into which are the best service organizations to join.

A top Israeli lawyer has been arrested over allegations of judicial appointments in return for sex. And people thought the Supreme Court nomination hearings here were getting out of hand.

A Michigan man fell nine floors to his death while playing hide-and-seek. His last words were “Ollie Ollie Oxen Freeeeeeeeeeeee…”

YouTube has banned dangerous pranks after the Bird Box and Tide Pod challenges. Which means also taking down all the “Jackass” stunt recreations would eliminate half their content.

YouTube has banned dangerous pranks after the Bird Box and Tide Pod challenges. The question being when are they finally going to remove all those Justin Bieber videos?

Russian post offices will start selling beer to stay in business. Their new motto will be “Neither rain nor snow nor gloom of night nor a good buzz will keep us from our appointed rounds.”

Court documents say a member of the family owning the company making Oxycontin said the “blizzard of prescriptions will bury the competition.” Which turns out the only ones getting buried were the customers.

An activist pastor in Zimbabwe was arrested for “inciting violence on social media.” If that happened in the U.S., he could be sentenced for up to four years in the White House.

Kia is recalling vehicles to fix a problem causing fires. Which means Kia is now facing legal action from Tesla for stealing design features from the Model S.

Kia is recalling vehicles to fix a problem causing fires. Although for most Kias, the vehicle catching fire is the fix.

A Washington, D.C. craft brewer is suing the Trump Administration over the shutdown as it is keeping them from releasing a new beer. The lawsuit is accusing the government of buzzkill.

A survey says most people would not pay for online privacy. At least other than keeping their Internet activity private from their wives, girlfriends and bosses.

A report says extreme weather poses the biggest risk to the world today. Which Donald Trump says after the shutdown is over he can fix by permanently closing the National Weather Service.

Citigroup says its women employees earn 29% less than men. Which they justify by saying the men need that extra income to survive on when they get fired for sexual harassment.

The owner of the company making Oxycontin is being accused about the dangers of the drug. Just like doctors are lying about how many Oxycontin prescriptions they handed out and users lied about how many pills they were taking.

A report says the world’s most popular coffee species are going extinct. To which Starbucks customers are saying please not let it be that pumpkin spice one.

A study says one in three cats and dogs in the U.S. are overweight. They are so fat that now when a dog chases a cat, they just bark and hiss at each other while lying down.

A UK bride is unable to walk after a honeymoon food poisoning horror. Although the husband is bragging to friends he is the real reason she still can’t walk.

An Ohio hospital doctor has been fired after giving “potentially fatal” doses of pain medicine to 27 patients. He says he was just preparing them to look at their hospital bills.

An Ohio hospital doctor has been fired after giving “potentially fatal” doses of pain medicine to 27 patients. A stiff punishment like losing his job should keep him from ever doing that again.

Rihanna has filed a lawsuit against her father Ronald Fenty for use of her trademarked Fenty name. To which he is saying “Hey, where do you think she got it from?”

Turkish prosecutors are seeking an international arrest warrant for Knicks player Enes Kanter, accusing him of being a member of a terrorist organization. To which fans are agreeing, saying who else would charge them $10 for a beer at Madison Square Garden?

The World Series champion Red Sox say they will visit the White House next month. They just want advance notification if the meal will be served by McDonald’s, Burger King or Taco Bell.

Europeans have unraveled a massive tennis match fixing ring. Wouldn’t you know the sport has become one big racket.

Four Russian bobsledders have been banned for Olympic doping. It’s an event that is pretty much controlled by gravity. What substance were they abusing, donuts?

The Warriors scored a record 51 points in the first quarter in a win over the Nuggets. Or as the Cavaliers call 51 points, a pretty good week.

Donald Trump’s chief economic adviser Kevin Hassett told furloughed workers to get a loan. Hey, why shouldn’t they be like the government they work for and also go hopelessly into debt?

A survey says the government has spiked as the key U.S. problem during the shutdown. How bad is it that people hate the government just as much when it’s closed as when it’s running?

A study says Lambert Airport in St. Louis has the shortest lines in the U.S. Mostly because the last thing TSA agents want to see is Missourians going through the naked body scanners.

A study says Lambert Airport in St. Louis has the shortest lines in the U.S. Mostly because instead of flying anywhere else for vacation, people in Missouri all just drive down to Branson.

A study says cannabis can alter the genetic makeup of sperm. Which is why so many stoners’ kids end up looking like the Zig-Zag Man.

Small companies in Australia say Google Maps is deterring Outback tourism. Especially when people try to get directions to the Outback and are told “It’s just out back.”

Romeo, the “world’s loneliest frog” in Bolivia finally has a mate after ten years. The rare female that was recently discovered says she is glad to settle down with Romeo as over the years she has kissed a lot of princes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Glad you are visiting the blog for the day’s news and humor. Now why don’t you give it a shot in its audio form with my daily podcast News Jokes By Jim. All you have to do is click on this link to get it:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-1-16-2019/id1416271102?i=1000427780787&mt=2  How much easier can it get? If you subscribe, all the latest episodes will be downloaded to your device so you can listen to it at home, in the car or in the office. That should still leave plenty of time to make sure to remember to always keep on sending the love!

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Greetings, Oh faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study says Antarctica is losing ice six times faster than it did in the 1970s. To which Donald Trump says that is only logical that it is warmer there since it is so far to the south.

Some consider the third Monday of the year, this year January 21st as the worst day of the year. What’s really bad is that many people consider the other 364 tied for second.

Some consider the third Monday of the year, this year January 21st as the worst day of the year. Or depending on who you talk to, the worst day could be your birthday, April 15th or the end of summer vacation.

Some consider the third Monday of the year, this year January 21st as the worst day of the year. Bit it’s the second worst day of the year for anyone forgetting their wife’s birthday or anniversary.

The number of airport security workers failing to show up for work during the shutdown is soaring. Mostly because they figure for no pay they would rather watch porn at home than look at fat travelers going through the naked body scanner.

Iowa Republican Steve King says he is not racist. In fact, he says he treats both his minority constituents the same as everyone else.

Iran failed in its attempt to launch a satellite into orbit. Apparently they needed just a little bit longer of a rubber band to attach to their giant slingshot.

Iran failed in its attempt to launch a satellite into orbit. Apparently their scientists forgot while making up their velocity equations to figure in that gravity thing.

A 17 year old New Jersey girl has been chosen to play the lead in Steven Spielberg’s remake of “West Side Story” over a pool of 30,000 actor hopefuls. Which sounds like it pretty much has the making of being “Jersey Shore 2.0.”

A study says less sitting and more moving is tied to living longer. The bad news is for the people who read the study realizing they just lost two years off their life expectancy.

A study says getting less than six hours of sleep a night is tied to an increased risk of stroke. Especially for anyone hit on the head with a frying pan while caught sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 AM.

A stowaway minah bird caused chaos on a 14 hour flight from Singapore to London. Mostly when the crew found out it was a “minah” in business class which is only for adults.

A stowaway minah bird caused chaos on a 14 hour flight from Singapore to London. To which the bird said when getting off the flight amongst all the ruckus, “Amatuers!”

A federal judge will decide if the government can make employees work without pay. Although if they ever thought that was a possibility, they would have just gotten a job with Amazon.

A study says even a little marijuana use can change teenagers’ brains. Which all the parents of teenagers are saying how much worse can it get?

A study says the fastest growing group of pot users is those over 50. Mostly those who have waited a half century to finally get to try some weed without the fear of being busted.

A tanker carrying liquid chocolate spilled 3,500 gallons of it over I-40 in Arizona. Which the cleanup is now being called “the $100,000 bar.”

A tanker carrying liquid chocolate spilled 3,500 gallons of it over I-40 in Arizona. The highway is now being renamed 5th Avenue.

A tanker carrying liquid chocolate spilled 3,500 gallons of it over I-40 in Arizona. Apparently the driver hit the wrong switch because he had Butter Fingers.

A conspiracist says China faked its landing on the dark side of the Moon. Which became apparent with pictures sent back to Earth with someone forgetting to hide the lunar rover’s electric cord.

A conspiracist says China faked its landing on the dark side of the Moon. Those Chinese can’t even come up with an idea for a space venture without pirating the plot from NASA.

A Greek tugboat was found packed with cannabis and stimulants. It was discovered when the captain couldn’t make up his mind to go full speed ahead or keep it in reverse throttle.

A “star” DEA agent has been implicated in a cocaine money laundering scheme with Colombian drug lords, which is being called “one of the biggest black eyes” ever for the DEA. Which is ironic as what gave him away were his bloodshot red eyes.

Australian wildlife officials are set to pump oxygen into rivers after thousands of fish were killed in a heatwave. It’s so hot, they don’t even need to throw another shrimp on the barbie.

A judge has banned a citizenship question from the 2020 Census, saying Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross “violated the public trust.” To which everyone is asking what trust is that?

A judge has banned a citizenship question from the 2020 Census. Which if Donald Trump gets his way, will eventually be phrased “If you are not a citizen, how did you make it over the wall?”

A New York man fought off an intruder who got into his house through a doggy door. Apparently he drove him off by hitting him on the nose with a newspaper and saying “Bad!”

A New York man fought off an intruder who got into his house through a doggy door. So far it appears all that is missing from the house is three boxes of Milk-Bone.

The FDA has restarted some food inspections halted by the shutdown. To which the people at Chipotle are saying “Drat the luck!”

New York’s Tappan Zee Bridge crashed down in a planned demolition. Which Chris Christie was watching while thinking “Why didn’t I think of that?”

New York’s Tappan Zee Bridge crashed down in a planned demolition. In honor of the the zoo-like atmosphere of New York traffic, it will be replaced with the Chimpan-Zee Bridge.

A Spanish city is seeing protests over a sculpture of the devil taking a selfie, saying it is “too friendly.” Apparently it would have looked more fiendish but somehow turned off the Satan filter.

Israeli Christians are outraged over a sculpture called “McJesus” which shows a crucified Ronald McDonald. No one had any idea that Mayor McCheese was such a heartless despot.

Israeli Christians are outraged over a sculpture called “McJesus” which shows a crucified Ronald McDonald. It would have been even worse if the artist portrayed the Hamburglar as the Penitent Thief.

A judge has overturned an Alabama law protecting the removal of Confederate monuments. The only way that decision would have stung any more is if the judge was a graduate of Clemson.

China may have grown the first ever plant on the Moon, a sprout from a cotton seed. Next they will send up 8 year old astronauts to start up their interstellar garment industry sweatshops.

Delta says the government shutdown is costing them $25 Million in January revenue. In a separate announcement, their luggage fees have just been raised to $50 a bag.

A report says junk food companies spend billions of dollars on ads targeting black and Hispanic youths. Mostly because by the looks of things, they already hooked white American kids decades ago.

Former Pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi could be in the running for head of the World Bank. The only fear is that she could run the bank like Pepsi’s bottling policy. With no deposits and no returns.

A report says EPA prosecutions of polluters is the lowest in 30 years. Mostly because it’s tough to try to clean the rest of the nation’s water when they can’t even drain their own swamp.

A report says EPA prosecutions of polluters is the lowest in 30 years. Mostly because the dirtier the air, the harder it is for anyone to claim about a lack of transparency.

A doctor at an Ohio hospital reportedly gave near death patients excessive pain medications. That’s what happens when they schedule surgeries that coincide with his morning tee time.

A doctor at an Ohio hospital reportedly gave near death patients excessive pain medications. Meaning the first round he gave them didn’t quite do the trick.

Kim Kardashian has announced her fourth baby with Kanye West is due soon via surrogate. She says she can hardly wait for the phone call from the surrogate mom telling her when the kid has finally been born.

Duchess Kate told schoolchildren that she isn’t sure if Queen Elizabeth II has ever eaten pizza. Mostly because she isn’t sure if Domino’s offers toppings of caviar, lobster and truffles and if it delivers by Rolls-Royce.

A conservative group says network newscasts have an incessantly hostile tone towards Donald Trump. And after he has gone out of his way to be so nice and complimentary to all of them.

A conservative group says network newscasts have an incessantly hostile tone towards Donald Trump. Maybe next time he will think twice before cancelling the annual media Christmas party.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has begun his prison term for tax evasion. Which means his motto will be changing to “Lift weights, stamp out license plates, laundry room duty.”

Steve Harvey will host the NFL Honors show where the Associated Press hands out its annual awards. With Harvey reading off the winners, recipients are being advised to check the name on the trophy just to be sure.

Reggie Bush called Donald Trump serving fast food to the Clemson National Championship team a “slap in the face.” No wonder all the other championship teams keep turning down his invitations to the White House.

Reggie Bush called Donald Trump serving fast food to the Clemson National Championship team a “slap in the face.” What’s even worse is that he just jumped on the team bus and took them through the McDonald’s drive-thru.

Reggie Bush called Donald Trump serving fast food to the Clemson National Championship team a “slap in the face.” What’s even worse is that when they left, he made sure it was through the White House gift shop.

Serena Williams will be featured in a Super Bowl commercial for a dating app. Is it strange that a married tennis star will be telling football fans how to hook up?

A report says the Raiders may play in Oakland in 2019 after all. In Las Vegas, going 4-12 means a little more rehearsing is needed before becoming the headline act.

European Tour players chose eating dinner with Tiger Woods over Phil Mickelson by 79% to 9%, with 12% preferring to eat alone. Mostly because they get tired of Mickelson constantly asking “Are you going to finish that?”

European Tour players chose eating dinner with Tiger Woods over Phil Mickelson by 79% to 9%, with 12% preferring to eat alone. The ones not picking Tiger were afraid he would leave with the waitress and stick them with the check.

A report says only one third of all students attended class on the first day of the L.A. teachers’ strike. In other words, to the kids it was just another day.

A report says only one third of all students attended class on the first day of the L.A. teachers’ strike. Those are the ones who want to make sure they can actually make it through a whole day without the fear of failing a test.

Steve King voted to rebuke himself over racist comments. Next time he will avoid controversy with comments like that by remembering to wear his white hood.

Attorney General nominee William Barr is suggesting the Mueller report won’t be made public. He said he wouldn’t interfere with the investigation, but he didn’t say he wouldn’t just toss the final product into the fire.

The Coast Guard missed a paycheck, the first time service members have not been paid during a shutdown. Ironically members of the military branch that is in charge of maritime law are going to struggle to keep from going underwater.

Rank and file Democrats snubbed a White House lunch invitation from Donald Trump over the shutdown. After the Clemson football team fiasco, they weren’t going to get duped into being served out of a McDonald’s bag.

A study says a man who overdosed on an erectile dysfunction medicine suffered debilitating vision problems. Mostly because somehow he just kept getting poked in the eyes.

A study says chocolate is a better cough suppressant than codeine-based syrup. Mostly because neither one really works but it turns out chocolate is the more addictive of the two.

A study says South Carolina is among the states with the most racial progress. Mostly because being South Carolina, there was pretty much nowhere to go but up.

A study says South Carolina is among the states with the most racial progress. Like after 150 years finally seeing it would be part of the healing process to stop flying the Confederate flag over the State House building.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another day chock full of jokes that will hopefully make getting through the day a bit easier. Try out the same jokes in audio form with my daily podcast news Jokes By Jim which you can access by just clicking this link:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-1-15-2019/id1416271102?i=1000427705398&mt=2  There...that was easy. To make it even easier than that go ahead and subscribe so you get every episode sent your way daily and you can listen to it at home, in your car or in the office. And of course, remember to always keep on sending the love!

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Ed Sheeran’s broken arm in a biking accident is at the center of a lawsuit. Apparently he is even plagiarizing Bono now.


PG&E CEO Geisha Williams is leaving as California’s largest utility is near bankruptcy. She wants to make sure to cash out her golden parachute before declaring her work there is done.


A report says Meghan Markle and Prince Harry missed Duchess Kate’s birthday party. It turns out that was the one time they couldn’t go out as they gave the day off to all 15 house servants.


Republicans are slamming Democrats for partying on the beach in Puerto Rico during the shutdown. To which the Democrats say they’re just treating it as business as usual.


A JetBlue toilet water truck crashed into a plane at JFK. Apparently they didn’t understand that snack and drink deliveries were supposed to go to the back of the plane.


Donald Trump would not give a direct answer when asked if he was a Russian agent. He couldn’t even muster up a simple “Nyet!”


China’s trade surplus with the U.S. is at a record $323 Billion. Mostly because we can’t export back any Uber trips, McDonald’s food or club disc jockeys.


China’s trade surplus with the U.S. is at a record $323 Billion. Which explains why Walmart’s profit last year was exactly $323 Billion.


A report says Jeff Bezos and his wife had no prenup. Which is probably why MacKenzie Bezos’ three novels that actually sold on Amazon managed to still net her $70 Billion.


Digital First Media is buying 7.5% of the parent company of USA Today. Mostly because that way they can explain the exact amount to everyone with a detailed colored pie chart.


Keanu Reeves had his worst opening ever with “Replicas.” Mostly because moviegoers got scared away when they thought the title actually said “Republicans.”


Keanu Reeves had his worst opening ever with “Replicas.” Although that will only last until the opening weekend of “Bill & Ted Face the Music.”


Senator Lindsey Graham is urging Donald Trump to open the government temporarily. He wants to get people back to work, save political fallout for the party and his family is visiting town and he promised them a trip to the National Zoo.


Senator Lindsey Graham is urging Donald Trump to open the government temporarily. Although with a $22 Trillion national debt, anytime the government is open it is pretty much temporarily.


A report says some government workers are turning to emergency loans during the shutdown. Which is ironic as if Congress had approved short-term emergency finding the shutdown would have been avoided in the first place.


Joe Lieberman ramped up his feud with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez after she responded to him on Twitter. Things will really heat up on Twitter once he figures out how to tweet with his rotary dial portable phone.


Two cats are renting a $1,500 a month apartment in Silicon Valley. Mostly because $1,500 rent in Silicon Valley pretty much gets you a 6’ by 10’ closet.


A study shows elephants are evolving to lose their tusks after decades of ivory poaching. Which means in another few generations people will have ten thumbs for texting and six eyes to look at three screens at once.


A Texas woman has been banned from Walmart after driving around on an electric cart while drinking wine out of a Pringles container. She should know that kind of behavior is only allowed on the golf course.


A Texas woman has been banned from Walmart after driving around on an electric cart while drinking wine out of a Pringles container. She was just acting out her Gallo wishes and processed potato snack dreams.


A Texas woman has been banned from Walmart after driving around on an electric cart while drinking wine out of a Pringles container. They found out she was actually just auditioning for Walmart’s grocery delivery.


Tidal streaming service is being investigated for fraud, with Kanye West’s “Life of Pablo” plays being artificially inflated. Which until now the only thing people thought was artificially inflated about Kanye West was his ego.


Chicago is set to get its first wooden skyscraper. Which means the terrorists will now get to work raising termites.


Chicago is set to get its first wooden skyscraper. Although some architects think the idea is warped.


Chicago is set to get its first wooden skyscraper. Apparently it’s a deal with California to cut down and remove all their trees so there aren’t any more wildfires.


A Gillette ad is challenging men to shave their “toxic masculinity.” Which is not to be confused with using a razor to shave their legs, armpits and privates to remove all their masculinity.


National Security Adviser John Bolton rattled the Pentagon by exploring a military strike on Iran. Apparently the idea came from it being the one Middle East nation we haven’t attacked yet.


National Security Adviser John Bolton rattled the Pentagon by exploring a military strike on Iran. Only because they wanted to know who ordered it, Russia, China or Saudi Arabia.


The Paris Opera Ballet has dropped dance star Sergei Polunin over a homophobic sexist rant. Which explains why he has been recently seen putting all that extra stuffing down his leotard.


The Paris Opera Ballet has dropped dance star Sergei Polunin over a homophobic sexist rant where he blasted gay dancers. Or as that is known in sports, trash talking the competition.


The Paris Opera Ballet has dropped dance star Sergei Polunin over a homophobic sexist rant where he told gay male dancers to “man up.” Which is ironic when right after that he went out to try to perfect his pirouette and jete.


The Paris Opera Ballet has dropped dance star Sergei Polunin over a homophobic sexist rant. For someone who is anti-LGBT, he sure picked the wrong profession.


A homeless man who pulled Chiefs guard Jeff Allen’s car out of the snow before Saturday’s game was given a reward. He was the biggest NFL hero in a snowstorm since the guy behind the wheel in the 1982 Snowplow Game.


A 21 year old man playing hide-and-go-seek in an abandoned Detroit factory died in an accident there. Ironically, he was once kicked in the head by a mule playing Pin The Tail On The Donkey.


A 21 year old man playing hide-and-go-seek in an abandoned Detroit factory died in an accident there. The question being what is a 21 year old man doing playing hide-and-go-seek?


A 21 year old man playing hide-and-go-seek in an abandoned Detroit factory died in an accident there. That’s the worst kids’ game accident since the time someone playing kick the can kicked the bucket.


The top court in Cyprus is hitting back at claims against nepotism and collusion. At least the courts in the U.S. are clean. We only let that stuff happen in the White House.


An artist has set up a solar powered sound system in the Namib Desert that will play a continuous loop of Toto’s “Africa.” Which is still less annoying than having to listen even just once to “It’s a Small World.”


An artist has set up a solar powered sound system in the Namib Desert that will play a continuous loop of Toto’s “Africa.” He went with that plan after Outback Steakhouse rejected his idea to do the same thing in their restaurants with “Land Down Under.”


A snowstorm closed federal offices in Washington, D.C. earlier in the week. Which thanks to Donald Trump and the shutdown was exactly the same if it was sunny and 70 degrees.


A report says TSA problems have caused a nightmare at Atlanta’s Airport, the world’s busiest. Which turns out to be almost as many headaches as when the TSA first started making people go through airport security.


A report says TSA problems have caused a nightmare at Atlanta’s Airport, the world’s busiest. The question being isn’t “TSA problems” pretty much an oxymoron?


Nobel-winning scientist James Watson, who identified the double-helix of DNA has been stripped of his honorary titles because of racist comments. To which he blamed as being handed down to him in his DNA.


A report says the odds of dying by an accidental opioid overdose have surpassed dying in a car accident. Especially for people texting while driving on their way to the pharmacy.


A poll says 7 in 10 Americans have a negative view of U.S. healthcare. The other three just haven’t gotten their latest round of medical bills yet.


A poll says 7 in 10 Americans have a negative view of U.S. healthcare. The other three being the ones who have gotten some temporary protection by going through bankruptcy court.


A poll says 7 in 10 Americans have a negative view of U.S. healthcare. The other three have been lucky enough on their hospital stay to get a sponge bath by a volunteer candy striper.


A Florida surgeon has been fined $3,000 after removing a woman’s kidney he says he thought was a tumor. Apparently he left his medical encyclopedia opened to “T” instead of “K.”


A Florida surgeon has been fined $3,000 after removing a woman’s kidney he says he thought was a tumor. It’s just a good thing he didn’t remove that other organ that wouldn’t stop moving when he was informed that was her heart.


A Florida surgeon has been fined $3,000 after removing a woman’s kidney he says he thought was a tumor. Which is fine because he will more than make that up with the $200,000 she will be charged for a kidney transplant.


A Florida surgeon has been fined $3,000 after removing a woman’s kidney he says he thought was a tumor. He got confused in forgetting the kidney is the thing shaped like his pool.


Jerry Rice says Antonio Brown wants to play for the 49ers “really badly.” Which puts him in the same frame of mind as the other 49ers who also appear always ready to play really badly.


The head coach and general manager of the Bears were critical of an appearance on “Today” by kicker Cody Parkey. Instead of just mis-hitting the ball, this time his kicking foot ended up in his mouth.


A poll says 60% of Americans say a wall is not a good use of taxpayers’ dollars. Which is better than how 90% say everything else the government does is not a good use of taxpayers’ dollars.


Donald Trump boasted about checking gasoline prices while in his motorcade. Which he does because he is just glad he doesn’t have to pay to fill up the 3 miles a gallon presidential limo.


Donald Trump boasted about checking gasoline prices while in his motorcade. Most people assumed he would instead be checking how many billions have been served at McDonald’s.


Rand Paul is going to Canada for surgery on a hernia. Ironically, he is going north of the border to have an operation that is south of the border.


Donald Trump spoke with Turkish leader Recep Erdogan after threatening to “devastate” Turkey’s economy. The question being if he did, how could anyone even tell?


Uber is adding a “clean air” fee in London to help drivers upgrade to electric cars. As opposed to the movement for a clean air fee in New York City to get cabbies to buy some air fresheners.


A report says the government shutdown is having a negative impact on science. Although ironically not as much as when Donald Trump’s appointees are in the office as usual.


Florida has been ranked as the best state in the union for retiring. Which explains the elections there as the people who always drive around with their turn signals flashing are the same ones who count the votes.


A study says people with extreme anti-science views know the least but think they know the most. Apparently the study was done at one address: 1600 Pennsylvania in Washington, D.C.


A study says the Milky Way Galaxy is due for a “catastrophic collision.” Which is obviously a reference to the upcoming 2020 presidential election.


A study says KFC, McDonald’s and Domino’s are among fast food restaurants forcing misery and pain on billions of chickens. But then how nice are they going to be when their only goal is to kill, cook and serve them to be eaten?


A study says the cost of lifesaving drugs is rising faster than inflation. The reason being how else are pharmaceutical companies going to keep up their obscene profit margins?


A study says the cost of lifesaving drugs is rising faster than inflation. To which the pharmaceutical companies are saying “You’ve just figured that out now?”


A study says children and teens are being overdiagnosed with ADHD in the U.S. It turns out they’re just ignoring everything else for their addiction to their iPhone, iPad and iMac.


Producers of “Family Guy” say they are phasing out all gay jokes from the show. In a related story, new episodes of “Family Guy” will drop from a half hour to 15 seconds.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Lots of jokes again today as usual. If you want to save a little time in getting your humor for the day, you should try my daily podcast News Jokes By Jim. All you have to do to access it is click right on this link:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-1-13-2019/id1416271102?i=1000427568810&mt=2 What could be easier? I suppose lots of things, but not all of them as funny. I hope. Feel free to subscribe to the podcast and make sure to tell all your friends about it. And of course, go ahead and remember to always keep on sending the love!