Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Some school curriculum in Texas was dropped after some parents complained it was “anti-American.” Of course, in Texas anything is considered anti-American if it isn’t about Texas.

Cuba has lifted its ban against some large energy eating appliances like air conditioners and microwaves. To which Cubans are saying “What are air conditioners and microwaves?”

Senate investigators say that Apple avoided paying taxes on $44 Billion by keeping it overseas. Now it’s getting to the point where corporations are even outsourcing their cash.

CBS won the 2012-2013 broadcast season with viewers age 18-49, beating Fox’s eight year hold on the title. Entertainment experts were shocked. CBS has viewers younger than 80?

China is probing rice that was found to be tainted with the chemical cadmium. Investigators want to know how cadmium ended up in rice instead of where it was supposed to end up, in baby formula, dry wall and children’s toys.

China is probing rice that was found to be tainted with the chemical cadmium. Apparently the manufacturer says the company was concerned about people being able to meet the minimum daily requirement for heavy metals.

Apple CEO Tim Cook denies that the company is avoiding taxes. He says their offshore business interests are more to avoid paying anyone a decent salary.

The latest version of the “Psychiatric Bible” addresses grief, binge eating and drinking. Which means being a college student is now officially classified as a mental disorder.

The Vatican is denying that Pope Francis performed an exorcism on a man in St. Peter’s Square. Official say if the Pope really wanted to perform an exorcism he would arrange an audience with Donald Trump.

NFL owners have picked San Francisco to host the 50th Super Bowl. The only question is will the fans be able to handle an entire half time show by the Village People?

NFL owners have picked San Francisco to host the 50th Super Bowl. Or as Raiders fans are saying, “So close, and yet so far.”

President Obama says that journalists should not be prosecuted for soliciting information. Apparently they should be more like Fox News and just make everything up.

A poll says that 60% of Americans say that Congress is focused on things that are not important to them. Many people were shocked at the results. Congress is focused?

Three former Ford executives are charged in connection with Argentine torture cases in the 1970s. Apparently they actually forced the victims to drive around in Ford Pintos.

A poll says that more Americans say the economy is getting better than those who say it is getting worse. Mostly because everyone is just assuming there is no way it could ever get any worse.

A 91 year old Ohio man has raised enough money to buy back his home and keep from being evicted by his own daughter. People were shocked at the behavior of the man’s daughter. Who does she think she is, a bank?

A poll says that pensions are the top income source for most wealthy retirees. The only other source of income from people who were actually able to retire is inheritance or lottery.

A study says that election officials are biased against Latino voters. Mostly because people who run polling locations aren’t used to seeing anyone vote who isn’t white and over 80.

Carnival Cruise Lines stock has fallen the most in 16 months. Now investors can enjoy the same sinking feeling usually reserved for their passengers.

New Pay Pal services that can be used while shopping and dining may make wallets obsolete for some people. Now the only way to weasel out of paying a restaurant tab is to conveniently forget your cellphone.

New Pay Pal services that can be used while shopping and dining may make wallets obsolete for some people. Although some people are concerned about what they will do without the ability to talk or text for the thirty seconds it takes to pay a bill.

Apple CEO Tim Cook defended his company’s tax practices to Senators. Apparently the Senators were frustrated in wishing there was just some way they could actually acquire the power to change the tax code and make companies pay their fair share.

ESPN has announced they are laying off several hundred employees. Apparently they are dropping much of their secondary sports programming in order to just have camera crews follow around Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia to listen to them sniping at each other.

ESPN has announced they are laying off several hundred employees that could result in less programming. Which is bad news for people who have become addicted to archery, horseshoe pitching and bodybuilding competitions.

A study says that Emergency Rooms account for half of all hospital admissions. And vice versa.

A study says that Emergency Rooms account for half of all hospital admissions. The other half are from people who still think they can make their own “Jackass” movies.

A new app helps people who are preparing for a colonoscopy. Users are advised to not install the app on a phone they expect to keep around much longer after they are done.

A study says that painkillers do not cause asthma in some people as was previously thought. If you are finding your air passages clogged after taking painkillers you might just want to try not jamming so many into your mouth at once.

A study says that health literature is too complex for most patients to grasp. Which makes sense since the instructions for baby aspirin are too complex for most patients to grasp.

A study says that health literature is too complex for most patients to grasp. Mostly because these are the same people who can’t figure out how to even open their pill bottles in the first place.

A study says that health literature is too complex for most patients to grasp. Which is why doctors are always courteous and make sure when they send out their bills, the amount the patient has to pay is always very clearly labeled.

A study says that schoolmates of suicide victims are at a higher risk themselves. Which means when their mother asks “If Johnny jumps off a bridge, would you follow?” the answer might be yes.

Researchers say that depression can cause diabetics to suffer severe severe sugar lows. Unless their depression causes them to eat an entire gallon of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

The CDC says that most Americans still make unhealthy choices. Apparently the study was based on pretty much just looking at most Americans.

The CDC says that most Americans still make unhealthy choices. Which is usually the “yes” when asked if they want fries with their order.

A study says that removing tonsils can help children who have sleep apnea. How fat are we getting that we have to start removing body parts in order to make it so people can breathe when they are asleep?

A report says that Botox procedures are up 8% in 20-somethings. Apparently it’s for college graduates who realize they are hopelessly in debt but still want to look like they are happy about something.

Brad Pitt says he worries about “drug damage” he may have caused himself during his years with Jennifer Aniston. The first sign of severe drug damage is leaving Jennifer Aniston.

A study says that teens are cooling to Facebook and getting more involved with Twitter and Instagram. Mostly because they know it will take years before their parents ever figure out what a hashtag is.

U.S. utilities say they are under constant cyberattacks. Which is just what utility officials call it when their customers decide to complain about the lousy service they are getting through e-mails.

A new theory says that humans may have hunted and eaten Neanderthals. Which explains why you never see Sylvester Stallone out at any public functions any more.

A survey says that most Americans do not like their Internet provider. Especially men who couldn’t get the porn site they were looking at off their monitor before their wife walked in on them.

A survey says that most Americans do not like their Internet provider. No one had any idea that many people were still using AOL.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks to all my loyal readers who stay with me through bad jokes and worse jokes. Tell your friends about the site so I can reach my eventual goal of 7 Billion daily readers. Too ambitious? How about 7? In any event, keep reading and don’t forget to send the love!

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Connecticut home has been listed for sale at $190 Million, the priciest home in the U.S. Other than the White House and House of Representatives which together have cost the U.S. $16 Trillion and counting.

A newspaper reports that taxes on some wealthy French have exceeded 100% of their income. To which the French say it is worth it to have the high rates just to scare Gerard Depardieu to move to another country.

The CEO of the Associated Press says the government seizing their phone records is silencing their sources. Which are all pretty much coming from the government in the first place.

The CEO of the Associated Press says the government seizing their phone records is silencing their sources. Which means it could delay by months the people’s right to know the latest about Lindsay Lohan.

Mercedes Benz is offering new technology in their cars including 3D cameras, radar and night vision. Which is great if you are planning on driving through Iraq any time soon.

Mercedes Benz is offering new technology in their cars including 3D cameras, radar and night vision. Which means there are virtually no conditions that will be able to keep the car’s owner from texting while driving.

A report says that the poor are moving from the cities to the suburbs. Mostly to squat in the houses that were foreclosed on the suburbanites who moved back to the country.

A report says that in-flight thefts of carry on bags are increasing. Imagine the thieves’ surprise when they get home and find the bags full of dirty underwear, two kids and a bunch of hotel towels and ashtrays.

Justin Bieber won the Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Awards. Apparently he was given the award because no one expected him to last all fifteen minutes of his allotted fame.

A new world’s record for riding a Ferris Wheel was set in Chicago at more than 48 hours. He said it was like a typical Cubs season. There were highs, there were lows and  at the end it always finishes at the bottom.

A new world’s record for riding a Ferris Wheel was set in Chicago at more than 48 hours. Apparently he got the idea of sitting on a wheel that spun endlessly while never getting anywhere after watching Congress in session.

A Massachusetts priest was suspended for plagiarizing online sermons. Is that really a problem? Aren’t most sermons pretty much lifted right out of the Bible?

A Massachusetts priest was suspended for plagiarizing online sermons. Apparently the Church is more concerned about making sure they pay off any royalties ahead of making any settlements with all their altar boys.

A mixture of vitamins that costs pennies a day has been seen to delay dementia. Apparently as long as you remember to take them, they must be working.

A government report says that bigotry towards Jews and Muslims is on the rise. Which means the racists are finally not being so bigoted in who they are prejudiced against.

Yahoo has bought Tumblr for $1.1 Billion. Until now, anyone talking about “tumbler” was referring to the Facebook stock they bought.

A poll says that age and income are the biggest factors in retirement expectations. Which for most people means they expect their income isn’t enough to let them retire until they are too old to enjoy it.

Colgate is reportedly planning on making a caffeinated toothbrush. The only problem is that people who brush their teeth after having their morning coffee find when they are done brushing they have pretty much removed all the enamel off their teeth.

Maserati is recalling some of their vehicles because of corrosion problems. There really isn’t a problem. It just gives owners a chance to tell their friends they need to take the Maserati in.

A poll says that only 48% of college graduates got on the job training. Apparently the businesses figure if you just spent four years and $100,000 in school you should already know how to do something.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will have a starring role in a string of tourism ads. What’s bad is that the ads are for Rhode Island.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will have a starring role in a string of New Jersey tourism ads. Apparently it was close, but he was able to beat out the entire casts from “Real Housewives” and “Jersey Shore”.

Data shows that only 27% of college graduates have a job related to their major. Mostly because only 27% of college graduates have a job.

Data shows that only 27% of college graduates have a job related to their major. And those are the ones who got a degree in Convenience Store Customer Service.

Campbell’s reports that sales of their soup are very strong. Mostly because they get new business every day from all the soup kitchens opening up across the country.

A study by NOAA says that most shipwrecks are a minor pollution threat. At least compared to fracking leaks, pipeline spills, and offshore drilling platforms.

A study by NOAA says that most shipwrecks are a minor pollution threat. But only when they are compared to the Exxon Valdez.

A Senate panel says that Apple is using companies located outside the U.S. to avoid paying taxes. To which Apple says that isn’t true. They are also using them to avoid paying decent wages, benefits and having to follow any labor laws.

A study links kids with ADHD to obesity when they are adults. The sad part is the only time they can pay attention is at breakfast, lunch and dinner.

A poll says that most parents are unaware that their kids are using study drugs. When they found out they were shocked. “Our kids study?”

A study says that sleep deprivation in teens can cause crashes. Apparently the problem is when they are so tired they can barely see their cellphone screen to send texts while they are driving.

Vermont has become the fourth state to allow physician assisted suicides. People in the other 46 states just have to do it the old fashioned way, by joining an HMO.

A study says that a diet that includes nuts and olive oil can slow dementia. To which most people say they will stick with the cheeseburgers and let their caretakers deal with it.

Disney has pulled an episode of the show “Jessie” that makes fun of a child on a gluten free diet. Apparently Disney draws the line at making fun of children who are fat, dumb or from a foreign country.

Doors’ keyboardist Ray Manzarek has died at age 74. The sad part is he just came down from the acid he took before taking the stage at the Hollywood Bowl in 1968.

Sergio Garcia says that Tiger Woods hasn’t been honest in the past 15 years. People were shocked. They thought Tiger was only married 6 years.

The Charlotte Bobcats are changing their name back to the Hornets. What’s worse is that on top of the name change their season ticket holders are demanding to be placed in the Witness Protection Program.

Mitt Romney is condemning what he calls the “breach of trust” in Washington, D.C. Although what he forgets is that just last November no one trusted him enough to send him there.

A Department of Justice affidavit accuses a Fox News Channel reporter of being a possible criminal co-conspirator. The reporter was disappointed. Just once, he wanted someone to accuse him of being a journalist.

A Department of Justice affidavit accuses a Fox News Channel reporter of being a possible criminal co-conspirator. Fox viewers were surprised when the organization claimed it was a First Amendment violation. There are other amendments besides the Second?

Oscar Pistorius says he will not be running this season. Apparently he will be taking up golf instead so he can search for the real murderer of his girlfriend.

Amtrak is upgrading its Wi-Fi service on its trains. Which will be nice for people who want to e-mail their spouses they will be home late while the car they are riding in has become airborne.

A report says that customer satisfaction with airlines is going up. Apparently the bar has been lowered so that people are just happy when the plane actually comes down on its wheels.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Great Strides Walk is over so I won’t start pestering you for money until next year. In the meantime, I will just make you read third rate jokes for free. Now there’s a deal that is just too hard to pass up. Just make sure you keep remembering to send the love!

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Republican Congressman Mike Kelly from Pennsylvania got a standing ovation after ripping into the IRS Commissioner for the agency’s incompetence. The only way he would have gotten a louder applause is if he would have ripped into Congress for the same thing.

A job fair for ex-convicts in Philadelphia was canceled after a larger than expected crowd of 3,000 showed up. How bad is the economy when even criminals have to look for work because no one has enough money to make it worthwhile to steal anymore?

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes has won a prestigious journalism award. Which means that Tom Cruise is now the odds on favorite to win the Best Acting Oscar.

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes has won a prestigious journalism award. Which is like Tim Tebow being voted the Cy Young Award.

Research says that 10% of Facebook users are not real. Mostly the women pictured as the girlfriend of anyone who uses Captain Kirk as their home photo.

Mark Zuckerberg’s dog Beast has a reported 1.5 Million followers. Mostly because those people know he had the good sense to not listen to Zuckerberg and buy into the Facebook IPO.

A Japanese company is bringing smell-o-vision technology for watching movies on smartphones. The technology won’t be available for any Kevin Costner films as they already come with an odor all their own.

The CDC says that one in five American children may have mental disorders. The other four have not made it to the teen years yet.

A U.S. Airways plane had to make a belly landing at Newark International Airport. The pilot didn’t really need to make the emergency landing, he was just trying to be courteous and deploy the oxygen masks for passengers not used to being in New Jersey.

A U.S. Airways plane had to make a belly landing at Newark International Airport. The worst part was informing the passengers about the airline’s new $500 belly landing fee.

A study says that digital multitasking makes people dumber. Which now explains just about every post on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

Golfer Ken Venturi has died at age 82. He won the 1964 U.S. Open after suffering heat stroke. He was so overheated that only the ice in the air from being in a pairing with Sergio Garcia and Tiger Woods could have cooled him down.

Golfer Ken Venturi has died at age 82. As a broadcaster, he had the longest streak of being on the air at 35 years. Most people think Tim McCarver holds that record but it only seems that long every time he calls a game.

Foreign travelers coming into the U.S. are facing three hour waits to get through customs. Mostly because it is now a U.S. custom to harass any foreigners coming into this country.

A report says that it costs $900,000 a year to house each inmate at Guantanamo Bay prison. Which is exactly the same amount it costs to house all the Wall Street executives at their homes in the Hamptons who didn’t go to jail for destroying the economy.

A coalition of nations suggests that countries should consider legalizing marijuana. Members on the panel say their final recommendation should be out in oh, another five or six years, you know, whenever.

The Department of Homeland Security says its non-deportation rate for illegal immigrants is 99.2%. In other words, the U.S. is now a party and everyone is invited.

The Department of Homeland Security says its non-deportation rate for illegal immigrants is 99.2%. Which means less than one percent of people who are in this country illegally are sent home. Even the FCC is asking if the people at DHS can ever get anything done.

A study says that students can’t concentrate more than two minutes on homework without a distraction. Whatever happened to the days when homework was the distraction?

A study says that students can’t concentrate more than two minutes on homework without a distraction. And what bigger distraction is there when you are doing homework and someone doing a study is hovering over you?

The $590 Million winning Powerball ticket was reportedly sold in Florida. Powerball is a game based on everyone chipping in more than they can afford with one person walking away with all the money. Or as they call that on Wall Street, “business as usual.”

President Obama says that people “should be outraged” with the IRS situation. Is he serious? Just how hard is it to really get people riled up over the IRS?

President Obama says that people “should be outraged” with the IRS situation. Mostly because it’s the one scandal that he actually can’t be blamed for.

A poll says that an American family of four needs $60,000 a year just to get by. The hardest part is that it’s just not that easy to qualify for that many public assistance programs anymore.

A poll says that an American family of four needs $60,000 a year just to get by. Which is fine just as long as all four family members can get a full time job at Wal-Mart.

Bernie Madoff says in an interview he can’t sleep well in prison. The real question is how was he sleeping at all before when he was stealing billions of dollars from all his clients?

Dodger owner Mark Walter told Northwestern graduates they need to “test arguments.” The only question is which argument did he test that told him to go ahead and pay $2 Billion for a last place team?

Two commuter trains crashed in Connecticut, limiting Amtrak service in the area. But then who needs to take Amtrak anyway when it’s just as easy to catch another train that will end up off the tracks?

A report says that student loan debt is stopping young consumers from buying homes, cars and furniture. Which is depressing because the whole reason people go to college is to get a job that pays enough so they can buy a home, a car and some furniture.

A survey says that Americans are less frugal now than they were a few years ago. Apparently people are throwing caution to the wind and buying those luxuries they haven’t been able to afford since 2007, like food, clothes and a car.

A report says that Americans 61-70 are withdrawing money from their IRAs at a faster rate than older households. Mostly because people between 61 and 70 are at that awkward age, too young to retire and too old to ask their parents if they can move into the basement.

The CEO of GM says the company will soon rejoin the S&P 500. Mostly because there are only now only 499 other American companies still in business.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told graduating seniors that humans’ capacity for innovation is at an all time high. Mostly because people have to be innovative since they don’t have any money to buy even the basic necessities anymore.

An investigation into “spot fixing” of cricket matches has shaken up India. Apparently people are asking who even knows what is going on in cricket enough to figure out how to get someone to throw a game?

A study says that high frequency noises can improve people’s math skills. Apparently someone has finally found something practical to use Justin Bieber songs for.

An analysis says that a New Jersey hospital has the highest billing rate in the nation. Mostly because people will pay any amount of money that it costs to cure them so they can get out of New Jersey.

A study says that a romantic breakup may be easier to take with sad music. The music that makes people the saddest is when they realize they just spent good money to download some Kanye West songs.

A Taylor Swift fan was arrested for trying to break into her Rhode Island home. They are now reportedly dating, will break up on Tuesday and she will record a song about it by next week.

The Rolling Stones began their “50 & Counting” tour in Los Angeles. Apparently the 50 & counting refers to the number of prescriptions the band members have to take just to make it to the show.

The Rolling Stones began their “50 & Counting” tour in Los Angeles. The 50 & counting refers to the number of times Keith Richards has been given his last rites.

Phil Jackson says in his new book that Michael Jordan was a better leader, shooter and defender than Kobe Bryant. But if you need advice on buying jewelry, Kobe is your man.

Phil Jackson says in his new book that Michael Jordan was a better leader, shooter and defender than Kobe Bryant. But does give Kobe the edge in assists, saying he thinks he remembers him seeing him toss the ball to someone else once.

An 18 year old high school student’s invention could reportedly charge cellphones in as little as 20 seconds. It’s good to see the next generation is already working on the most serious problems of their peers, like the amount of time they must suffer by actually having to deal with real people until their iPhone is recharged.

An 18 year old high school student’s invention could reportedly charge cellphones in as little as 20 seconds. To which most teenagers are asking “Is there a way it can be done in ten?”

Scientists have created the smallest drops of liquid ever. Apparently it is the amount of liquid that is now in one dollar’s worth of gasoline.

A company has come up with an app for a breathalyzer for cellphones at a cost of $150. Why not just use your cellphone and for a lot less money call a cab?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Kudos and thanks to all of you who donated money to the Great Strides Walk in the memory of my wife, Karen. We collected more than $2,000 and I appreciated everyone’s generosity. You are all too kind. And for all of you who did donate, I am sending an extra helping of the love!

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

O.J. Simpson is trying to win a new trial that could eventually get him released from a Nevada prison. He already has a job lined up when he is freed. Now that he has killed two people and served time for armed robbery, he is all set to come back as a rapper.

Pope Francis is urging global leaders to end the “tyranny of money.” After they all stopped laughing they asked him what he wanted, this time for real.

Pope Francis is urging global leaders to end the “tyranny of money.” Right after he was done speaking, he then wrote several checks to cover the lawsuits by all the molested altar boys.

A Chicago man who had the tattoo “Cop Killa” tattooed on his face was arrested for threatening police. If nothing else, people should be aware that getting a “Cop Killa” tattoo on your face completely ruins any chances of talking your way out of a traffic ticket.

Venezuela has run out of toilet paper and had to get an emergency shipment of 50 Million rolls. No one even knew that Taco Bell had opened any Venezuelan locations.

A Michigan city is requiring owners of “dangerous dogs” to carry personal liability insurance of $1 Million. Of course, with Michigan’s economy anyone who has $1 Million of insurance on their dog will have people constantly walking past their house wearing a T-bone steak for a necklace.

A study says that physically strong men are more likely to have conservative political views. Then why are they always the ones who feel they need to arm themselves to the teeth with guns?

A study says that handbags have more germs than a toilet seat. Mostly because of earlier studies which have made people too afraid to sit on toilet seats any more.

A study says that handbags have more germs than a toilet seat. Which means that when a woman says she has a lot of crap in her purse, she may not be lying.

A Florida motorist is blaming “bad Chinese food” for causing him to leave the scene of an accident. Apparently it gave him a case of the hit-and-runs.

A Florida motorist is blaming “bad Chinese food” for causing him to leave the scene of an accident. Apparently Moo goo gai pan translates literally to “cheese it, the cops!”

The Deputy Prime Minister of Belize is calling for prosecution of the people responsible for destroying a 2,300 year old Mayan pyramid. At least it means the Mayans were close to predicting the end of something.

The Deputy Prime Minister of Belize is calling for prosecution of the people responsible for destroying a 2,300 year old Mayan pyramid. The worst part is that the Mayans looked towards the future when they built it and designed the pyramid for an easy conversion to condos.

A report says that income inequality is widening in developed countries. Unlike in the U.S., where having no income makes you more equal to everyone else.

President Obama addressed the AP scandal, saying that leaks put people in risk. Especially the people in his administration who like having a job.

A study says that a person’s brain dominance determines which ear they prefer to use for their cellphone. Of course, it also depends on which hand they need to use for texting while driving so they can also flip off other drivers at the same time.

The U.S. says it has evidence that chemical weapons are being used in Syria. Of course, technically even a water balloon is a chemical weapon.

The U.S. says it has evidence that chemical weapons are being used in Syria. Isn’t that the same famous argument that got the whole Iraq thing going ten years ago?

Puerto Rico is facing its lowest coffee production ever. Apparently Juan Valdez got tired of asking for his boss to hire at least one other person to help pick the beans.

Puerto Rico is facing its lowest coffee production ever. Apparently workers are demanding the yearly pay equivalent of a large mocha latte from Starbucks which farm owners say would drive them into bankruptcy.

The age of average retirement in the U.S. is now up to age 61, four years older than it was twenty years ago. It would be even higher except they are now counting people as being retired who are in their 20s and haven’t found work in the past four years.

The age of average retirement in the U.S. is now up to age 61, four years older than it was twenty years ago. Which is interesting because which business still even lets people stay on after they reach 50?

A study says graduates of the class of 2013 will have an average debt of $35,200. Which gives philosophy majors a unique chance on how to use their education to contemplate how they just threw away $35,200.

A study says graduates of the class of 2013 will have an average debt of $35,200. Which to their parents translates to ten more years of letting them live in the basement.

An airlines trade group predicts that the summer will feature crowded airports and planes. In other words, it will pretty much be just like spring winter and autumn.

Moody’s says that the Detroit emergency manager’s plan makes bankruptcy an option. To which everyone who has ever been to Detroit knows that it is more of an inevitability.

Moody’s says that the Detroit emergency manager’s plan makes bankruptcy an option. Of course, their other options are to go broke, bust or insolvent.

An oil price fixing scandal in Europe is heating up. Or as we call that in the U.S., “Tuesday.”

An oil price fixing scandal in Europe is heating up. The scandal is that the people are just realizing it now.

Apple CEO Tim Cook is proposing a corporate tax overhaul. He is starting out at a flat zero rate but is willing to negotiate down from there.

Apple CEO Tim Cook is proposing a corporate tax overhaul. Apparently Cook thinks the company should get a break since is the only Apple employee who actually works in the U.S.

Bill Gates is once again the world’s richest man with $72 Billion. But then, anyone who is able to convince people to actually buy Windows 8 has earned every penny of his salary.

A report says that retirement prospects for Americans has slipped for the first time in generations. To which most Americans are asking “What’s retirement?”

A study says that drinking a large quantity of sugary fruit punch may increase the risk of kidney stones. Which gives a whole new meaning to the term “kidney punch.”

New batting helmets are able to protect the wearer getting hit by a pitch going 100 mph. The only problem is finding helmets that can adjust to the increase in cranial size through each season of steroid abuse.

The CDC says that it found fecal matter in 58% of public pools. Which is why when you say you are going for a swim your dog gives you the same look that he gets when he drinks out of the toilet.

The CDC says that it found fecal matter in 58% of public pools. The other 42% just contained urine, blood and STDs.

A study linked depression to an increased risk of stroke for middle aged women. That news ought to make them feel happier.

A study linked depression to an increased risk of stroke for middle aged women. Their main cause of depression was being a middle aged woman.

A study has linked smoking marijuana to a lower risk of diabetes. For about five minutes until finish smoking and stuff themselves with Oreos, Krispy Kremes and Domino’s Pizza.

A Louisiana woman is looking to find her fifth kidney. It’s not sure if her story should be on “Discovery” or as an episode of “Hoarders”.

A collection of Wayne Gretzky memorabilia is set to go up for auction. The auction could raise several hundred thousand dollars just on all the teeth that will be available to bid on.

The NASCAR Hall of Fame is adding a Danica Patrick exhibit. Which means that any day now the National Tennis Hall of Fame will announce a section devoted to Anna Kournikova.

USC Athletic Director Pat Haden was paid $2.2 Million in 2011. Which taking inflation into account, he actually was paid more for his part time job guarding Tommy Trojan when he was the school’s quarterback.

An Ohio man won a $10,000 iTunes gift card for buying the 50 Billionth iTune app. He says he isn’t sure yet if it was worth buying the other 49 Billion apps to increase his chances of winning.

An Ohio man won a $10,000 iTunes gift card for buying the 50 Billionth iTune app. He will be easy to identify. Just find the guy who has a different ring tone for every phone call he ever gets.

Researchers say they have discovered the oldest water on Earth, at 2.6 Billion years old. Apparently it was found in a Perrier bottle left in the trunk of Larry King’s car.

American Airlines will give boarding preference to any passengers without roller bags. Although fliers were disappointed to find out the boarding preference didn’t mean getting put on another airline besides American.

The Opportunity Mars Rover has set a record for distance traveled on land other than Earth at 22.2 miles. Or as Chrysler calls that, “living out the warranty.”

The crime rate in Florida is at a 42 year low. Which means that most Miami residents haven’t felt this safe since they were in their 70s.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Great Strides Walk is tomorrow, and I am making one last plea for all my great readers to donate whatever amount they can to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in the memory of my wife, Karen. Just click on the Great Strides icon and all contributions will be appreciated. If you send the money, I’ll send the love!