Friday, July 01, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Former London Mayor Boris Johnson says he will not run for Prime Minister. Apparently he is worried about the fallout from Brexit, working with Parliament and most of all having his messy blond hairdo confuse him with Donlad Trump.

The TSA says it may take security checkpoints outside of airport terminals to parking garages and curbside. The good news is for people who are in a hurry who can just drive to the airport naked and go through the drive-thru strip search.

The FDA says that eating raw cookie dough is not safe. The only thing worse for people is eating the cookie dough after it has been properly baked into cookies.

A report says that smugglers are using Uber to sneak migrants in across the border. The first sign something is wrong is when the Uber driver instead of opening the door for the passengers is asked to pop the trunk.

A study says the hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica is healing. The good news is that anyone planning a vacation there will now only have to protect themselves against sunburn by bringing along sunscreen with an SPF of -30 to -24.

A survey says that Millennials tend to be too confident with their investing skills. Especially the ones who think they are going to be able to retire by someday selling their entire collection of Nintendo video games.

A survey says that Millennials tend to be too confident with their investing skills. Although it is hard to lose too much money in the market buying stocks with whatever is left over after expenses from an $8.35 an hour job at 7-Eleven.

An economist says that China may like Donald Trump more than Hillary Clinton as President, considering him an “interesting opportunity.” Mostly because they figure they only have something in common with someone whose first order of business is surrounding the entire country with a wall.

A study says that most colleges don’t require history majors to study American history. Mostly because it’s embarrassing to show students how far the country has sunk over the past 35 years.

A study says that most colleges don’t require history majors to study American history. Mostly so the students don’t find out how historically unlikely it is to get a job with a history degree.

A report says that support for statehood in Puerto Rico is growing. Mostly because after defaulting on their $70 Billion debt they feel they help out by showing the people in Washington, D.C. how to be more fiscally responsible.

A study says the lowest suicide rates by profession are by teachers, educators and librarians. For the librarians it is mostly because they won’t shoot themselves unless they have access to a silencer.

A tennis ball sized diamond failed to get the minimum bid of $70 Million at a London auction. Apparently now that Kobe Bryant is retired and not on the road anymore, he doesn’t have to keep restocking his collection of “I’m sorry” makeup jewelry.

The California Attorney General is investigating oil refineries for reportedly raising gasoline prices artificially. The oil companies say there was nothing artificial about it. Those prices went up by a completely natural process of whenever company executives needed a new vacation home in a different part of the world.

A study says the highest suicide rates by profession belong to farmers, lumberjacks and fishermen. Which completely refutes the traditional beliefs that people are most relaxed while gardening, working in the yard and fishing.

A report says student federal loan rates are dropping from 4.29% down to 3.76%. Which is good news for all the college students who will now be able to pay off all their tuition loans in just 38 years instead of 40.

Research shows that 55% of Americans forfeit at least some of their time off at work. Mostly because they need to put in the extra time at the office to make up for the hours they sit at their desk Facebooking, tweeting and looking at online porn.

Research shows that 55% of Americans forfeit at least some of their time off at work. The other 45% need to use all their vacation and comp time so they can show up at the other three jobs they are working to make ends meet.

A report says U.S. traffic fatalities over the 4th of July weekend are expected to be at their highest level since 2008. Mostly because the economy has gotten better since then where people can now actually drive their cars instead of using them to live in.

A study says bullying and excessive Internet use can increase the risk of teen suicide. Mostly because there is nothing more depressing than going online inside the privacy of your own room only to find the local bullies have e-mailed instructions on how to give yourself a wedgie.

Nielsen says that the average American spends 11 hours a day looking at screens. The other 13 hours are spent trying to figure out what to say in case of the rare event where they may actually have to talk to someone face to face.

A study says that men face a greater risk of cardiac arrest than women. Especially the moment when their wife shows them that she just figured out their password and sees who they have been chatting with on Facebook.

A study says that dogs may be able to detect when diabetic patients have low blood sugar. Usually right after the dog has discovered where their owner has been hiding their cookies and eats them all.

A study says that dogs may be able to detect when diabetic patients have low blood sugar by smelling their breath. Mostly when they take a whiff and don’t detect the usual odor of pie, cake and candy.

A study says the death rate is increasing for middle aged white Americans. Mostly the ones supporting Donald Trump whose blood pressure spikes every time they hear him give a speech.

A study says that high body fat and not Body Mass Index is linked to a higher death rate. You know your body fat level is high when lying out in the Sun you don’t get sunburned but rather sautéed from all the butter dripping out through your pores.

A paper says that people who eat six meals a day have better cholesterol and insulin levels than those who eat meals at variable frequency. Especially the ones who have it down to just one meal a day that starts at 7 AM and goes right through Midnight.

Disney says it is planning a sequel to the animated movie “Wreck-It Ralph.” Apparently it will be voiced over by English actors as Ralph will be a metaphor for Parliament and “Wreck-it” is just a slight pronunciation away from “Brexit..”

Paul Simon says he is ready to retire from the music business. People were surprised at the news. Paul Simon is still working?

Paul Simon says he is ready to retire from the music business. Upon hearing the news, Art Garfunkle says he also considered retirement, but realized if he stops working who will sweep the floors every night at the neighborhood Walgreens?

Scarlett Johansson has been named as Hollywood’s top grossing actress. Although the top spot for Hollywood’s most grossing actress still goes to Rosie O’Donnell.

Lindsay Lohan says she is writing a book on how to overcome obstacles. Especially those pedestrians who keep slowing her down when they end up underneath her vehicle.

Johnny Manziel has been suspended four games by the NFL for violating the league’s drug policy. The hard part is finding a team desperate enough to actually try to let Manziel play in four games.

Johnny Manziel has been suspended four games by the NFL for violating the league’s drug policy. Which finally shows that the NFL rules system equates going on a three year bender with letting the air out of a half dozen footballs before a game.

Johnny Manziel has been suspended four games by the NFL for violating the league’s drug policy. Which means that if O.J. Simpson tried to make a comeback, he would have to sit out a handful of games for being a little too aggressive off the field.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell made $32 Million in 2015, down from the $34.1 Million he took home the year before. Which shows that Tom Brady is not the only person in the league suffering the effects of deflation.

A report says that malware that secretly installs porn apps to phones is infecting devices by the millions. At least that is how it is being explained to wives across the country who saw what their husbands have been looking at on their cellphones.

A study says that 83% of Millennials now use credit cards. Apparently they figure if they are going to be paying off their government student tuition loan for the next 40 years, what’s wrong with having the same relationship with the people over at Visa?

A report says that women and minorities still lag over at Google. It became apparent when the company employment applications’ section asking about gender and ethnicity only have boxes available to check for male, white and Asian.

Crystal Pepsi, a clear cola drink that failed back in the 1990s is coming back this summer. The only problem for Pepsi is that without the caramel coloring they will have to actually start making it using only clean water.

A Republican delegate from Pennsylvania says he plans to carry a Glock 9mm pistol during the event. Although officials are telling people they don’t have to be armed as there will be enough ammunition flying every time Donald Trump speaks and shoots himself in the foot.

Donald Trump is reportedly vetting Chris Christie as a potential running mate. Apparently Trump is impressed with Christie’s background, strong personality and his ability to make puppy eyes every time Trump speaks.

A Fox poll shows that fewer Americans say they are proud of their country. What’s even worse is that the ones who are proud are the ones already calling Canada their home in anticipation of moving there when Donald Trump is elected President.

The Republican National Convention will permit real guns to be carried but not water pistols. Mostly because getting shot is nowhere near as dangerous as the threat of being squirted by whatever is in the water supply coming out of Lake Erie.

Dame Judi Dench got her first tattoo at age 81. We can only hope she didn’t get influenced by watching “The Kardashians” and is also planning to rejuvenate her career by releasing a sex tape.

A study says that Americans spend almost half their food budget on restaurants. People were shocked. Looking at most Americans, it’s hard to believe that anyone actually buys their food using a budget.

A study says that Americans spend almost half their food budget on restaurants. The other half is for when they are at home sitting on the couch playing video games and need something more nutritious like ice cream, cookies and soft drinks.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I know I spend my time on this blog with my attempts at being funny. But once in awhile I make the effort here to be a bit more serious. Not often, but in this case I am making an exception. Relief efforts are still going on in the wake of the disastrous West Virginia flooding last week. I have been asking you, my great readers to donate anything if they can but there really wasn’t a site collecting money, just food and supplies. However, tonight there is a telethon that will be streaming live on wchstv.com from 7-9 PM (Eastern) where you can log in and chip in a few dollars if you wish to help out the people who have lost most or all of what they own to the flood waters. I appreciate your help in advance, and wish you all a happy 4th of July weekend. I will be taking off Monday and probably Tuesday to recharge my batteries so I will see you Wednesday. If you manage to send in a donation, let me know and I will give you a shout out on the blog. It is the best way to show you care and want to make the effort to really send the love!


Thursday, June 30, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A new restaurant in New York City serves only cereal for $7 a serving. Only in New York would people pay to experience what they could get for free by instead stopping in at the nearest homeless shelter.

Supermodel Christina Estrada claims she needs $262 Million from her ex-husband to live the lifestyle she is accustomed to. Being a supermodel that includes as much as $67 a year just for food.

An 80 year old Rhode Island man killed an 81 year old acquaintance at a local cemetery not far from where he will be buried. Apparently at their age he felt it would be a waste of time to have to make another trip.

Researchers say that American women have the largest breasts of any country. The study took longer than expected just to go through the applications of the thousands of men who volunteered to help out gathering the information.

 Researchers say that American women have the largest breasts of any country. The only problem is that the study is being challenged, with accusations that the researchers enhanced their findings.

Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin has appointed the founder of Papa John’s Pizza to the board of trustees at the University of Louisville. Mostly because 90% of the students in the next graduating class will be lucky to get their first job out of college delivering pizzas.

Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin has appointed the founder of Papa John’s Pizza to the board of trustees at the University of Louisville. Which sends an interesting message to students who will be governed by someone who never went to college but has managed to become more successful than they will ever hope to see.

Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin has appointed the founder of Papa John’s Pizza to the board of trustees at the University of Louisville. That’s nothing. If they don’t vote in November, they might have the former host of “The Apprentice” as their President.

Donald Trump’s campaign is busy trying to line up sports icons to speak at the upcoming Republican National Convention. With Trump the presumptive nominee, the most likely speakers will be from the 1969 Mets, Buster Douglas and the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team.

Researchers say that key chemicals in marijuana remove plaque from brain cells. After smoking even more they then remove the rest of the cells.

A survey says that 71% of Americans feel the U.S. economy is rigged. The other 29% didn’t have time to take part in the poll as they were too busy working their other three jobs trying to make ends meet.

Three men in New York have been charged with stealing $12 Million from investors who thought their money was going to be used to make a major film starring Nicholas Cage and Willie Nelson. The first clue they were being scammed was that a major film was being made starring Nicholas Cage and Willie Nelson.

An analysis says that Millennials prefer buying luxury cars and SUVs. Apparently it’s easy to afford a more expensive ride by avoiding having to pay rent the past ten years living in their parents’ basement.

Harrison Ford tops the list of the all-time highest grossing film stars at $4.9 Billion. Which is even more impressive when it is factored in that when he started making movies, the average theater ticket was still a quarter.

Sam Adams brewing has filed for a trademark for “Brexit” cider. The idea for the name is from if you drink too much, it keeps trying come right back up to get out.

A new Uber app will be able to track drivers’ speed and behavior behind the wheel. The only thing it needs now is to show when the driver is being assaulted for trying to overcharge a drunk customer.

Wal-Mart is reportedly going to test free shipping to compete with Amazon.com. Apparently they are trying to appeal to the people who want to be able to take advantage of Wal-Mart’s low prices without ever having to actually be seen walking into one of their stores.

A report says American gun ownership is at a 40 year low, with 36% of American households having a firearm. The other 64% will get one just as soon as they are out of prison, done with parole or complete probation for shooting up the neighborhood.

A report says American gun ownership is at a 40 year low, with 36% of American households having a firearm. The other 64% still figure they can borrow one from the other 36% when they need a Glock, AR-15, AK-47, Ruger, Smith & Wesson…

The Toyota Camry has been named the car most made in the U.S. Apparently they won because they still have the one worker here in America that still puts the “objects may be closer than they appear” stickers on all the side mirrors.

The FDA is telling makers of hand sanitizers they need to show that their products work. Which is ironic in that the FDA is usually the agency that when it comes to enforcing rules usually just washes its hands.

Kanye West has inked a new deal with Adidas. How out of shape are we when an athletic wear company sells more product from someone wearing their gear onstage than with actual athletes playing sports?

A survey says that nearly half of all U.S. workers consider themselves underemployed. Which is better than the other more than half who are trying to move up from being unemployed.

A survey says that nearly half of all U.S. workers consider themselves underemployed. The rest feel their college education is being put to very good use every time they are asked by their boss to clean and refill the Slurpee machine.

A survey says that 54% of Americans believe that young people will have better lives than their parents. Which isn’t that much of a stretch considering how many of their parents lost their homes and jobs and have been living in their car since 2008.

A survey says that 54% of Americans believe that young people will have better lives than their parents. The other 46% think their lives won’t be as good, unless their parents also lived in their folks’ basement well into their 40s.

A survey says that 54% of Americans believe that young people will have better lives than their parents. Mostly because living in their basement means they will never get married and have children and have to work the rest of their life paying off their kids’ college loans.

Nutrition experts say that eating a little butter won’t kill anyone. It’s the biscuits, pancakes, eggs, potatoes and French toast they are smearing it all over that will kill them.

A study says that progress against heart disease has started to wane. Mostly because up until a few years ago people were dying from their diabetes, obesity and alcoholism long before their heart was ready to give out.

Researchers say that CPR outcomes are better with heavy rescuers. The only problem is being saved by an obese rescuer who gets overworked and needs to have CPR done on them.

A study says antidepressants are no help to patients with heart failure. Especially the ones who have already gotten their most recent bill from their cardiologist.

A study says antidepressants are no help to patients with heart failure. Mostly because it is a tough task to try to cheer someone up who has just gotten some bad news, like they have heart failure.

A report says the U.S. has the biggest happiness gap in the world with parents who are not as satisfied as their childless peers. Especially the ones who have taken a look at how much it is going to cost to put a kid through college in another 18 years.

A study says the typical American adult is using media a full hour longer each day than they did last year. It’s getting so bad, researchers say the best chance of solving the problem is figuring out how to make each day 25 hours long.

A study says the typical American adult is using media a full hour longer each day than they did last year. It’s just nice to see parents taking the time to put in the effort to try to communicate more often with their children.

The Miss Teen USA Pageant is dropping the bikini competition in favor of athletic wear. Mostly because they stand to make a lot more money having the segment sponsored by Adidas, Puma or Nike than they would ever make from any bathing suit designer.

The Miss Teen USA Pageant is dropping the bikini competition in favor of athletic wear. Fortunately they can fit into those easily by losing weight sweating out how they are going to fake their answer about current events.

Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from her fourth husband. The worst part for her latest ex-husband is having to explain how he was dumped by someone who at one time thought the ideal groom was Michael Jackson.

Andrew Luck signed a six year contract with the Indianapolis Colts for a reported $140 Million. His agent takes all the credit for the deal, saying Luck had nothing to do with it.

Shaquille O’Neal says he wants his son to attend a college where the coach will curse him out. Which will be no problem, especially if he has the same ability as his dad from the free throw line.

Shaquille O’Neal says he wants his son to attend a college where the coach will curse him out. The only problem will be finding a coach who can deal with being cursed out by Shaquille O’Neal.

Johnny Manziel says he is going sober starting this week. Although most people figure that is just the alcohol talking.

Google has introduced a new “My Activity” site that shows everything a person has done on the Internet. Although once women see what their husbands have been doing the site may change its name to “My Divorce.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren says Apple, Google and Amazon have too much power. Fortunately for them, Warren could lose all of the power she has acquired in Washington the minute she decides to run with Hillary Clinton as her Vice President.

Facebook is tweaking its algorithm to show people more of their friends’ rants than any news content. Which if they happen to be friends with Donald Trump pretty much works out to the same thing.

Hillary Clinton says she wants high speed broadband Internet service for every American by 2020. In other words, she has already come up with a promise for her reelection campaign.

A Florida man is suing Apple for $10 Billion for stealing his idea for an electronic reading device and turning it into the iPhone. If that doesn’t work he will sue Bill Gates for taking his design of a box filled with components and turning it into the PC.

A new dating app aims to connect Brexit “remain” voters. The worst part is when the relationship doesn’t work out and once again they go through broken promises, money wasted and end up getting kicked out of another union against their wishes.

Mitt Romney sys his family is pushing him to run for President as an Independent. Mostly because since the other two candidates are so polarizing, it will be tough to figure out who is really the third party candidate.

A report says Trump University offered get rich quick schemes that were plagiarized. In other words it was in effect the first university to offer electronic classes that people could take by watching real estate infomercials.

A report says Trump University offered get rich quick schemes that were plagiarized. Or as that is called at The Trump Organization, its business model.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This whole Brexit thing is getting to be a little overblown, in my opinion. The Brits who are saying they are justified leaving the EU need to remember they are the ones who are still probably bitching about us doing the same thing to them 240 years ago. You know what they say about payback. Speaking of that, the way you can pay me back for all the wonderfully funny and witty jokes I write every day, (and all the others that fill the other 98% of the space)  is to as usual make sure to remember to take the time to always send the love!


Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A new shade of the color blue has been discovered. Apparently it is just a shade lighter than Royal and Oxford blue but it a little darker than Dodger or baby blue but lighter than Navy blue and lighter than cobalt blue to be specific.

Mike Huckabee owes the group Survivor $25,000 after being sued for unauthorized use of the song “Eye of the Tiger” at a political event. Apparently his legal team lost the case because they just weren’t focused enough under pressure.

San Francisco media will be giving a full week of coverage on the area’s homeless crisis. Which in the Bay Area pretty much covers anyone who is making less than $150,000 a year.

A study says texting changes the rhythm of a person’s brain. Especially when they are knocked out when their car veers off the road into a tree because they are texting behind the wheel.

A report says the super rich are training on how to survive the apocalypse at a five star resort. Although if they really want to see what life will be like after an economic and social meltdown, they should just book a weekend getaway in Detroit.

A teenage girl was reportedly pricked by a hypodermic needle on a beach in New York. The good news is that she is now officially inoculated for any trips she has planned to the Jersey Shore.

A report says a list of the 50 worst cities to live in is topped by Miami. The news was immediately met with a huge celebration in Mississippi by officials cheering that “It wasn’t one of ours!”

A report says a list of the 50 worst cities to live in is topped by Miami. They really are taking the whole LeBron James moving back to Cleveland and winning the NBA Title thing pretty hard.

A study says that smoking may damage a man’s sperm. If that has become a problem, then those men really need to change exactly where they are holding their cigarettes.

A study says that smoking may damage a man’s sperm. Mostly from the knee to the groin when they light up a little too close to a militant non-smoker.

A Los Angeles man married his cellphone at a chapel in Las Vegas. The worst part is that his wedding night sex was pretty much a selfie.

A report says that U.S. middle income households are more likely to fall lower than move up. The only good news is that the households that are now middle income are the ones that before 2008 were below the poverty line.

Taylor Swift fans in China are now using an online site to bet on her relationships. The only problem is getting a bet down in time while she is still seeing the same person.

Taylor Swift fans in China are now using an online site to bet on her relationships. The trick is to wait until there is an announcement that she is releasing a new album to assume it is full of songs about the guy she is about to break up with.

A report says gluten triggers strange delusions in a woman with celiac disease. As opposed to the usual delusion in people from gluten that there actually is such a thing as celiac disease.

A report says 5,000 water systems in the U.S. are violating rules meant to keep lead out of drinking water. To which a spokesperson for water companies says it shows an amazing consistency in the way the industry protects everyone in the same way.

The American Heart Association says smartphones may help get better and faster treatment for people suffering heart attacks or strokes. Which is ironic for the people who have heart attacks and strokes because their boss keeps texting them about work on their cellphone 24 hours a day.

A new drug has been developed that helps dogs cope with the noise from thunder and fireworks. Now all they need to do is develop a drug that stops dogs from sniffing crotches, humping legs and chewing up a $200 pair of Air Jordans.

A new drug has been developed that helps dogs cope with the noise from thunder and fireworks. Now all they need is something to help dogs deal with the anxiety they get when their owner watches reruns of “The Price Is Right” with Bob Barker.

Actor Billy Zane says he takes issue with the way the movie “Titanic” ended. Someone needs to tell him that it would be a tough sell to make a movie about the disaster where the ship doesn’t end up sinking.

Actor Billy Zane says he takes issue with the way the movie “Titanic” ended. Not only did the ship sink, but the film was also pretty much the last time anyone ever heard of Billy Zane.

Suge Knight is suing Chris Brown for his involvement in a party where Knight was shot seven times. Apparently Knight wants a refund on his cover charge because it really isn’t a party until Suge Knight leaves with at least eight bullet holes in him.

A “Real Housewives of Orange County” star is comparing her husband to Hitler. Which may be a sign that the series may be switched from Bravo over to The History Channel.

A “Real Housewives of Orange County” star is comparing her husband to Hitler. Which is now getting some rumblings of plagiarism from the German reality show “Real Housewives of Nuremberg.”

Wrestler CM Punk says the WWE treats all its wrestlers like “indentured servants.” Which could be a bit of an exaggeration. When is the last time anyone has had a servant who hit them over the back with a folding chair?

Syracuse University is offering a degree in sports analytics. Which means the term “Moneyball” will now be used to describe the amount of cash the students will need to come up with every month for the next 40 years to pay off their tuition loans.

Syracuse University is offering a degree in sports analytics. The easiest math course in the curriculum is the one that figures out the microscopic odds of one of the athletes playing at Syracuse who will actually ever graduate.

Golfer Billy Hurley III will miss the British Open in order to attend his sister’s wedding. Does his sister even know he’s a professional golfer? She didn’t originally plan the wedding for that date but she couldn’t book during the first full week of April, Father’s Day or the third weekend before Labor Day.

Golfer Billy Hurley III will miss the British Open in order to attend his sister’s wedding. Does his sister even know he’s a professional golfer? That’s like the Pope’s family planning a holiday get together and asking him if he has any plans around December 25th.

Las Vegas NHL franchise owner Bill Foley says he is looking to field a younger oriented team. Especially since being in Las Vegas he isn’t sure if any veterans will be able to deal with the games that are scheduled to start at 4:00 in the morning.

Las Vegas NHL franchise owner Bill Foley says he is looking to field a younger oriented team. Which could mean an extra expense for the organization if the players haven’t played long enough to still require the presence of a team dentist.

A report by Al Jazeera claims that several NFL players are using PEDs. Which is big news for anyone just coming out of a coma they went into back in 1995.

Spirit Airlines, rated the most hated carrier is reportedly working on improving its on-time performance. Mostly because the service is so bad, the only way to cut back on complaints is to get passengers on and off the planes as fast as possible.

Spirit Airlines, rated the most hated carrier is reportedly working on improving its on-time performance. How bad is it when an airline’s goal is trying to get its reputation back up around the level of United?

Boxer Floyd Mayweather has billed a Las Vegas club for taxes on the $20,000 he made “rain” on the dancers. It was such an expensive “rainfall” that the cleanup after the event had to be handled by FEMA.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather has billed a Las Vegas club for taxes on the $20,000 he made “rain” on the dancers. It was such a major event that the National Weather Service Doppler Radar reported picking up precipitation the size of $1 Bills.

The U.S. says it may start screening foreign travelers’ social media accounts when they try to enter the country. Apparently they will be singling out people who signed up to play the game “Jihadville” and have cat videos that only feature felines wearing suicide bomber vests.

Hillary Clinton says she wants to have all home in the U.S. connected to high speed broadband Internet service. The idea is to then allow her to direct the entire country to run their e-mails through her private home server.

An Apple patent could prevent “illegal” iPhone recording of classified events. Fortunately for Kim Kardashian that wasn’t in effect years ago when she became a big star after her boyfriend made their sex tape.

An Apple patent could prevent “illegal” iPhone recording of classified events. Which could make life completely different for all the people who only know how to watch the world around them through the lens of their cellphone camera.

The original Spock ears used by Leonard Nimoy in “Star Trek” are up for auction. They aren’t expected to get a very high bid as most sci-fi geeks are saving their money for the Holy Grail of when William Shatner finally decides to put his hairpiece up under the gavel.

A report says the oil industry could fall $2 Trillion short of cash within the next five years. Which means that to make up the difference, executive bonuses could be slashed by as much as half.

A report says the oil industry could fall $2 Trillion short of cash within the next five years. Although a fund to help the oil companies get through the rough patch in their time of need has already gotten pledges totaling 7 cents.

Researchers in the Netherlands say they are growing tomatoes in soil similar to that found on Mars. Which means the astronauts there will at least be able to make ketchup to pour over the others they end up cannibalizing after getting tired of eating tomatoes every day of their five year mission.

Researchers in the Netherlands say they are growing tomatoes in soil similar to that found on Mars. Which was even bigger news in that it is the first time the Netherlands has been able to grow anything other than tulips.

A rare huge helium gas field has been found in Tanzania. The discovery was made when researchers finally realized that it wasn’t the difficulty of the language that made people speaking Swahili talk in such a high voice.

A rare huge helium gas field has been found in Tanzania. The good news is that people will be able to celebrate their birthdays by receiving balloon bouquets well into the next century.

Scientists say an ancient Greek “computer” found in a shipwreck can be read more clearly than before. It turns out the captain who was using it caused the ship to wreck because he was distracted while texting while at the helm.

Former Donald Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski lost a $1.2 Million book deal when he refused to show the publisher his non-disclosure agreement. Apparently his editor felt if he couldn’t say anything negative about Trump the book would only fill about three pages.

Donald Trump says the U.S. has been robbed by the “financial elite” he used to be a part of. Apparently he lost that status by spending all his own money funding his campaign when he couldn’t find anyone willing to make a donation.

Donald Trump says the U.S. has been robbed by the “financial elite” he used to be a part of. Which finally makes sense why he keeps getting that same bad haircut, as a way to show Americans he really is just as broke as the rest of us.

Donald Trump has hired the former digital director for Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell. Apparently he feels he can use the expertise of someone so persuasive on social media he got three people in Kentucky to actually start using Twitter.

The House of Representatives has warned its office water is tainted with lead. Which is no big deal for most members of Congress who when in session still only drink magnums of Champagne send over by all their lobbyists.

The House of Representatives has warned its office water is tainted with lead. Just when we thought the upcoming election might actually get a few members of Congress to finally start getting the lead out.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Parts of my state of West Virginia are still underwater from last week’s flooding. Yesterday I was able to make a donation to one of the groups collecting food and supplies for the victims. Once again I would like to ask any of you who can chip in a few dollars to go to my station’s web page at wchstv.com and it will direct you to some legitimate places where you can send money to help those who have been devastated by the waters from the thousand year flood. It is the best way possible to make the effort to send the love!