Friday, February 12, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Pope Francis I is sending out “super confessors” to win back people to the Catholic Church by forgiving them of the most serious sins. Which is good to know for the Patriots fans who want to see Bill Belichick and Tom Brady attending church again.

A study says that belief in all knowing, punitive gods may have helped societies grow beyond small close knit groups. Those who didn’t believe in any higher moral authority ended up running Wall Street banks.

A report says that sales of adult diapers could equal those of baby diapers in a decade. Mostly for people who were hoping to retire someday when they take a look a the latest statement from their 401(k).

John Kasich says that Jeb Bush’s negative tone could hurt his family’s name. Apparently he thinks some people might think that is the final straw after the War in Iraq, Katrina, the economic crash, the mortgage crisis...

British authorities say they will charge “Star Wars” producers in connection with an on-set accident that resulted in Harrison Ford breaking his leg. Apparently they are considering it a clear case of elder abuse.

The head of Google in Europe told members of Parliament he has no idea how much money he makes. Apparently he just draws a number between 300 and 500 out of a fish bowl at the end of the year and makes his bonus that many millions of dollars.

The head of Google in Europe told members of Parliament he has no idea how much money he makes. The sad part is that he didn’t even think of trying to look it up on Google.

Puerto Rico is pushing tax incentives for the wealthy in the middle of the economic crisis. Which is no big deal since being considered wealthy in Puerto Rico just requires owning more than two pairs of shoes and at least $30 in your wallet.

A report says that 43% of Americans are still renting. The other 57% are going to start just as soon as the home they are trying to buy goes into foreclosure.

Neanderthal DNA in humans is being linked to depression. Mostly when people look in the mirror and realize they have a protruding forehead, a unibrow and are starting to talk like Sylvester Stallone.

Donald Trump has settled his $500 Million lawsuit with Univision over the Miss USA beauty pageant. Apparently it involves a promise by Trump if he wins the White House to not build a wall around the Univision studios.

Dunkin’ Donuts says it is planning to continue to expand in Europe. It is the biggest expansion associated with the doughnut chain other than the one they created with the American waistline.

“Wealth therapists” are charging $500 an hour to help the top 1% with their money guilt. People were surprised at the news. The wealthy are capable of feeling guilt?

“Wealth therapists” are charging $500 an hour to help the top 1% with their money guilt. Apparently the idea is to replace their guilt with feelings of stupidity for paying someone $500 a hour to tell them they aren’t a bad person.

Time, Inc. is buying what’s left of Myspace.com. Apparently the expense is being written off as research for an article the magazine is doing concerning middle aged pedophiles.

Scientists have announced the discovery of gravity waves, showing Albert Einstein was correct. Although they still aren’t sure if they found gravity waves or if it was just Chris Christie jumping up and down in anger after dropping out of the presidential race.

Scientists have announced the discovery of gravity waves, showing Albert Einstein was correct. The official statement from researchers was “Nice going, Einstein.”

A survey says that most people think men and women are paid equally. Which is the good news in the new economy when everybody makes exactly the same minimum wage.

Citigroup’s William Lee says fears of another recession are “ridiculous.” His feeling is that we can’t have another recession until we are done climbing out of this one.

A poll says that Americans rate the economy as the nation’s most important problem. Except for the people who watch Fox News who think the biggest issues are Hillary Clinton’s e-mails, Benghazi and Bernie Sanders’ socialism.

Researchers have developed a new diagnostic tool that “smells” prostate cancer. The bad news is that sounds pretty similar to the old way they used to do that test.

The world’s longest surviving heart transplant patient has died, 33 years after the surgery. The sad news is that he was just getting close to finalizing a deal with his insurance company as to how much of the claim they would cover.

The world’s longest surviving heart transplant patient has died, 33 years after the surgery. Doctors knew he would make it a long time after his heart was able to withstand the initial shock when he was given his hospital bill.

The U.S. Olympic Committee says it will bring two infectious disease specialists to Rio because of the Zika outbreak. That is in addition to the three other infectious disease specialists they already have for when the basketball team goes out on the town.

3D printers are being used to give plastic surgery patients a preview of how their face will look. The only problem is they keep printing out different pictures of Cher.

A study says that bilingual toddlers are better at solving certain problems. Like knowing how to get through the part of the phone call when the answering system says what numbers to hit so it doesn’t switch over to Spanish.

A study says flu shots may guard against irregular heart rates. Mostly the ones people experience when they don’t get the shot, catch the flu and end up waiting in line for 14 hours in the hospital ER.

A survey says that most Americans want to live to 100. Mostly Cubs fans in their 30s who want to have a chance at some day seeing the team get back to the World Series.

A survey says that most Americans want to live to 100, but only 42% are making a serious effort to get there. The other 58% are still regular customers at McDonald’s, Burger King and Taco Bell.

A survey says that most Americans want to live to 100. Mostly for revenge in making their kids take care of them while they are bedridden the last 23 years of their life.

A study says that U.S. seniors may be developing dementia less often. Apparently the researchers use the term “may” since they aren’t really sure because somehow they keep forgetting where they put their reports.

A study says the risk of dementia is lower in people who have at least a high school education. The ones most at risk are the ones who never finished high school because they kept forgetting where it was located.

Indicted pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli is offering to pay Kanye West $10 Million so he can be the only one with his new album. Taking Kanye’s album off the market could save Shrikeli’s reputation as anyone with musical taste will now consider him a philanthropist.

Bruce Springsteen will reportedly have his autobiography out later this year. People will want to read the book so they can find out how he achieved his life goals of being a rock star, having a long lasting career and most importantly making it out of New Jersey.

Kristin Chenoweth and Alan Cumming say they were paid only $2,700 each to host last year’s Tonys. They could have made much more than that by hanging around Broadway and delivering an unmarked package downtown they got from some guy named Tony.

Kristin Chenoweth and Alan Cumming say they were paid only $2,700 each to host last year’s Tonys. The only reason they did it wasn’t for the money but for the hope their performances could have won them an Emmy.

Vanna White says she regrets posing for Playboy magazine, saying at the time she felt it could have ruined her career. Which probably gives her satisfaction knowing that “Wheel of Fortune” has outlived Playboy magazine.

Vanna White says she regrets posing for Playboy magazine, saying at the time she felt it could have ruined her career. Fortunately, people were willing to look past the scandal and judge her on her unique talent at being able to turn letters on a TV game show.

The NBA is reportedly close to placing corporate logos on players’ jerseys. Although while maybe not actually having a logo, the legalization of pot in some states means Denver and Portland jerseys may soon start being made of hemp.

The NBA is reportedly close to placing corporate logos on players’ jerseys. It’s just too bad that Shawn Kemp is retired as his jersey along would attract all kinds of business from Huggies, Gerber’s and Little Tikes.

The Oakland Raiders have agreed to an extension to stay at the Oakland Coliseum through 2016. Mostly because they feel a loyalty to Oakland, find the stadium conveniently located and that moving out of the area would put their fans leaving the city at risk of a parole violation.

NBA 2K16 video game creators are being sued for their use of copyrighted players’ tattoos. Ironically, the legal fees for the tattoos they show on some of the players’ arms and legs could end up costing them an arm and a leg.

A report says that NFL owners had concerns about a possible Raiders move to L.A. because of the local gang culture. Which means they must be happier that the Raiders are staying in their much more peaceful and law abiding current location in Oakland.

A report says that NFL owners had concerns about a possible Raiders move to L.A. because of the local gang culture. Remember the days when the reason NFL owners had any fears over the Raiders was when they were faced with dealing with Al Davis?

An analysis says that online dating fraud dips around Valentine’s Day. A drop in online dating fraud means only one thing. There are fewer men signing up.

A study says that 71% of Americans think that Alexander Hamilton was a former President. At least they have heard of Alexander Hamilton. The rest have no idea who he is because they have never actually gotten their hands on a $10 bill.

A study says that 71% of Americans think that Alexander Hamilton was a former President. The other 29% have no idea who is the current President.

A study says that one in ten Americans dating online are baby Boomers. Although most of those are middle aged men who are still looking for dates on Myspace.com.

Hillary Clinton spoke against Bernie Sanders’ health care proposals saying “We aren’t England and we aren’t France.” To which Bill Clinton added, “But I’ve seen all their underpants!”

A video that features Koko the gorilla using sign language to warn about the dangers of global warming is said to have been staged, as a gorilla could never understand a concept that complicated. In fact, scientists are still trying to find a way to explain it to the Republican presidential candidates.

Jeb Bush says for Lent he is giving up profanity. Although looking at his poll numbers, he should be giving up on any chance at ever becoming President.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Speaking of Lent, that was on Wednesday. That means Easter is six weeks away which means we are close to spring and baseball will be starting up again and the world will be good. That was a long way to get from Lent to baseball but it’s my way of saying I am sick of winter. Bring on the warm weather. The only thing I like more than a nice mild sunny day is when you all make sure to remember to send the love!

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says there are now 260,000 robots working in U.S. factories. People were shocked at the revelation. There are still factories in the U.S.?

A study says that horses can recognize human emotions. Which explains how the relationship between Prince Charles and Camilla has been able to last all these years.

A study says that horses can recognize human emotions. Mostly when someone gets mad at plunking down $50 on a nag that finishes dead last in the field at Churchill Downs.

An Air Force General fainted during a briefing on the Air Force budget. Which is a switch as usually it’s the taxpayers who lose consciousness when talking about how much of their money is going into the military.

Delaware Governor Jack Markell has signed an apology over the state’s role in slavery. Which was nice but people are wondering when the state is going to issue an apology for Joe Biden.

A report says that owning a home may soon be considered a luxury item. Especially in Flint, Michigan where the cost of a mortgage is nowhere near how much it will cost to either have fresh drinking water shipped in or see the doctor every other week.

The world’s first home sperm testing kit is available that measures the count and quality of semen. Which is different than the system used by NBA players which is based on how much money is paid out every month in child support.

The world’s first home sperm testing kit is available that measures the count and quality of semen. It’s the latest in home sperm testing technology following Playboy, Penthouse and Internet Porn.

Scientists say that soon technology will allow people to wipe away their worst memories. So far the biggest request from prospective test subjects is the entire Bush Administration.

Scientists say that soon technology will allow people to wipe away their worst memories. Or as Cubs fans call that, everything going back to 1908.

Scientists say that soon technology will allow people to wipe away their worst memories. Which only applies to men who know that there is nothing that can ever be done to alter the ability of their wives to remember everything.

Carly Fiorina has ended her campaign for President. Which is too bad as her staff was just now able to see her in action doing what she does best. Laying all of them off.

The National Association of Homebuilders says that soon most new homes will be feature two master bedrooms for couples who sleep separately. Mostly based on the fact that the White House has 16 bedrooms which were still not far enough apart for Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Plus size model Ashley Graham will appear in this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Of course, for the swimsuit issue the term “plus size” means anything above size zero.

A stranger has put up $1 Million to pay for college for an entire kindergarten class in California. Which by the time they are ready to graduate high school should barely cover the cost of books and supplies for one of those kids.

A stranger has put up $1 Million to pay for college for an entire kindergarten class in California. Apparently he is counting on the fact that the way today’s kids are so locked into video games and cellphones they will never study enough to make it to college.

EBay says it is planning to take on Amazon. Which is not really news since most people use eBay to try to unload all the useless crap they got suckered into buying on Amazon.

A report says the U.S. budget deficit is at its lowest level since 2008. Mostly from a higher tax rate, cuts in the budget and the fact that since President Obama moved into the White House there have been no new wars.

A report says the U.S. budget deficit is at its lowest level since 2008. To which Congress is saying to just wait, the year is still young.

Burger King says it will add hot dogs to their menu. Apparently they feel no publicity is bad publicity and they are tired of Chipotle getting all the headlines.

A study says that climate change will make transatlantic flights longer and more expensive. Mostly because of the new “global warming” fees the airlines will tack on as soon as they get the news.

A study says that climate change will make transatlantic flights longer and more expensive. Mostly because any flight that is longer will be more expensive when factoring in the additional number of $12 soft drinks that passengers will be buying.

A report says that Pizza Hut ended up in FX’s “The People v. O.J. Simpson” after Domino’s declined to be involved. Apparently Pizza Hut didn’t want to make their chefs look like amateurs with their pizza slicing compared with O.J.s abilities with a knife.

A bill in Congress would stop airlines from making passenger seats even smaller. Now all they need to do is work on the price of tickets, outrageous fees, delays and cancellations, lack of service, aggressive security measures, lost luggage...

A survey says that Utah residents are most positive about their state’s economy. Mostly from the steadily increasing business in the wedding industry that has many men coming back four or five times as repeat customers.

A study says couch potatoes may have smaller brains later in life. Although they might just seem smaller in comparison with the size of the person’s backside from years of playing video games and eating pizza every day.

A baby in North Carolina that was born at 10 ounces has gone home. The good news is that if the baby can maintain that weight she should be on track for a career as a super model.

A study says that guns, car crashes and drug overdoses are the reasons Americans die younger than people in other countries. Although that still doesn’t explain all the reasons for the people who aren’t living in Oklahoma.

A study says that smoking pot causes a poorer verbal memory in middle age. Mostly because the people who get stoned every day really don’t need to know any other words besides “pizza,” “Doritos” and “Oreos.”

A study says that eating fish is linked to a reduced risk of dementia. Although not everyone who eats seafood is safe from developing memory problems, as is evidenced by the people who keep going back to Red Lobster.

The “Harry Potter” play is set to be published as a book later this year. Apparently J.K. Rowling will not quit until she has every last time from her readers at least until the reach middle age.

A “Saved By The Bell” themed restaurant is opening in Chicago. Which means depending on how well he does handling a dish towel, it will be nice for fans to see Screech finding work again.

Ryan Reynolds has been named “Sexiest Dad Alive.” Which as far as women are concerned means that he has no problem changing diapers.

Ryan Reynolds has been named “Sexiest Dad Alive.” Also being honored is Caitlyn Jenner who was named “Sexiest Dad Who Is Now A Mom.”

Tribe has launched a video chat app that can be operated with one hand. Don’t we already have that? Most women know that if they have ever taken a call from a man using Skype.

The IRS says hackers are already trying to steal tax returns. Fortunately, the laugh is on them trying to find someone who still actually has an income.

The IRS says hackers are already trying to steal tax returns. Although when it comes to stealing money from taxpayers, those IRS hackers should know that they are dealing with the people who wrote the book on it.

NASA is questioning whether a man in India was actually killed by a meteorite as is being claimed. Although their response to what may have actually happened is “Has anyone seen the Hubble telescope lately?”

Twitter user growth has come to a halt at 320 Million. Which is good to know that the other 6 Billion, 680 Million people on the planet still actually have a life.

Twitter user growth has come to a halt at 320 Million. Which at least answers the question as to how many people on Earth have thoughts that can eclipse 140 characters in length.

The White House is proposing a $19 Billion budget for NASA this year. Most of that will go towards rocket launches and the inevitable investigation as to what went wrong with all the rocket launches.

NASA has banned the word “Jesus” at the Johnson Space Center. Mostly because officials are tired of that being the word most often used at Mission Control immediately following any of their rocket launches.

The Amazon terms of service gives a waiver in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse. Which is just another way of describing what it would look like if Amazon warehouse employees ever started a workplace riot.

Jeb Bush gave a talk where he was confronted by supporters about his poll numbers and debate performances. The good news is he was just glad he didn’t have to answer any questions about his lack of personality, foreign policy and economic platform.

Mitt Romney sent a thank you shoutout to Carly Fiorina and Chris Christie who have just dropped out of the presidential race. Mostly for coming in with numbers that made Romney’s run in 2012 look so good by comparison.

Top Democrats are reportedly telling Hillary Clinton to fix her messaging. To which Hillary is saying the last time she fixed her messaging was the time she decided to use a private server for her e-mails.

Bernie Sanders says that Bill Clinton hit him below the belt with his attacks. Although it is the first time Bill Clinton has ever been accused of going below the belt. At least not by a woman.

An Ohio congressional candidate says he is being blackmailed. Or as most candidates call donors asking for favors after they get into office, the election process.

An Ohio congressional candidate says he is being blackmailed. Apparently he was only prepared for a run at office that included bribes, payola and greasing the wheel.

A poll says Americans list cyberterrorism as one of the top three threats to the country. Which for most men is when their wife is able to hack into their Facebook account and see who they have been chatting with.

A poll says Americans list cyberterrorism as one of the top three threats to the country. That would be much easier to deal with than the other two top threats which are still Congress and the IRS.

Bernie Sanders is aiming to boost his appeal to minority voters after his win in New Hampshire. Mostly because the other primaries are in states that actually have minority voters.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am still cranking out the jokes even though I am feeling the effects of a cold. But just because I am feeling miserable doesn’t mean I can’t inflict the same suffering on all of you. Of  course, the best way for me to have a quick and complete recovery is for all of you making sure to take the time to remember to send the love!

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The U.S. merchandise trade deficit with China reached a record $365 Billion in 2015. And that’s just from Wal-Mart closing down 154 of its store locations.

National Intelligence Chief James Clapper says the government may use the Internet of Things to spy on Americans. Although all they are going to find out is how many times anyone with a smart refrigerator is going to the kitchen for the latest round of snacks.

National Intelligence Chief James Clapper says the government may use the Internet of Things to spy on Americans. Although ironically, Clapper won’t be able to find out anything with anyone who runs their home with the pre-digital technology of a Clapper.

A study says that running boosts a person’s brain power. Which is easily disputable when you take in account of what is being said every day by all the candidates who are running for President.

A New Jersey man reportedly stabbed his neighbor to death over the loud chirping of his pet birds. The sad part is that the victim misunderstood his friends when they told him he needed to get involved in tweeting.

The world’s largest aircraft at more than 300 feet long is getting ready to take off. Apparently it was commissioned by the government to be the new Air Force One in case Chris Christie makes it to the White House.

A report says that rising prices in the San Francisco real estate market are very similar to what they were right before the ‘90s dot-com bust. Which could be deja vu for people who are invested in Twitter which may become known as the Millennials’ Pets.com.

The religious community Sisters of the Valley in Merced, California are worried a new law may stop them from growing marijuana in their garage for pot-laced health products. It could also cut into the demand for their corn tortilla, dip friendly communion wafers.

California farmers are reporting record sales in the middle of the record drought. Especially the ones who were faced with losing their entire crop of grapes but ended up making a fortune in the raisin industry.

The Mayor of Flint, Michigan says that $55 Million is needed to replace lead water pipes in the city. Or they could to with a cheaper alternative and take $2 Million to buy up every house at current market value so everyone can just move somewhere else.

Sex offenders are challenging a law requiring them to be identified on passports. They claim that can already be done by looking at anyone’s passport that is stamped with numerous trips to Thailand.

Two umpires have been banned from the International Tennis Federation over allegations of match fixing. The officials may have been working together which makes the blame on both of them a call of double fault.

A publishing company will return $14 Million in royalties for the song “Happy Birthday To You” after a court ruled the song is in the public domain. Which is bad news for Major League Baseball teams who have jacked up ticket prices by double over the years claiming the price increase is for the copyright on “Take Me Out To The Ball Game.”

The President of Egypt opened a housing complex for the poor in Cairo by walking down a two and a half mile long red carpet. The worst part of having a red carpet that visible is that every time it is rolled out Paris Hilton shows up to make an appearance.

The President of Egypt opened a housing complex for the poor in Cairo by walking down a two and a half mile long red carpet. Apparently he didn’t want to get mud on his shoes from walking around inside the homes on all the dirt floors.

A report says the number of Americans with health insurance is at its highest rate in the past 20 years. Which has led to record employment in the insurance industry with all the people who have been hired to help find reasons to deny all the new claims.

A report says the number of Americans with health insurance is at its highest rate in the past 20 years at 91%. The other 9% have to count on the discount they get in the medical aisle where they work at Wal-Mart, KMart and 7-Eleven.

Sears says it will be closing at least 50 unprofitable stores. Which brings up the question as to why they will be keeping any of their other stores open?

The White House is proposing $2 Billion to increase the number of apprenticeships in the U.S. Although most Americans are scared to death the White House could soon be the location of the next four seasons of “The Apprentice.”

Twitter has launched a new anti-troll cybersafety committee. The bad news is the committee is recommending the best way to get rid of online trolls would be to shut down Twitter.

A report says that U.S. airfares are the cheapest they have been since 2010. Which is right around the time that most airlines started charging enough in fees on every flight to make fares be classified under petty cash.

President Obama has sent Congress a record $4.1 Trillion spending plan for 2017. Mostly just so whomever wins the election in 2016 will have to start taking the heat for having a bigger budget deficit than ever happened under Obama.

Chipotle is giving away free burritos in an attempt to bring back customers in the wake of several outbreaks of illness at their restaurants. The only problem is that customers who got sick can still feel the last Chipotle burrito they ate is what keeps coming back.

President Obama is proposing a $3.1 Billion update of government computers to protect against cyberattacks. Mostly to finally find a way to prevent all those e-mails he keeps getting that are sent through the private server of Hillary Clinton.

To enhance cybersecurity, President Obama says he wants to retire outdated government systems. Which came as a real disappointment to people when they found out he wasn’t talking about the IRS.

A survey says that Alexandria, Virginia is the most romantic city in the U.S. Mostly because it is a popular place to watch those in love walking hand in hand along the Potomac River. And that’s just the members of Congress and their lobbyists.

A government report says that guns, car crashes and drug overdoses explain why Americans die younger than people in other countries. To which executives at Chipotle were saying “Whew!”

Residents of Flint, Michigan are being asked to boil even water that comes through filter systems. It’s getting so bad that when people request water at a restaurant they are asked if they want regular or unleaded.

A report says there were a record number of shark attacks around the world in 2015. The increase is being attributed to global warming making for sparse food supplies, more people taking to beaches for vacations and the increase in the number of recent graduates from law school.

A Fitbit tracker is being given credit for detecting a woman’s pregnancy. Apparently the technology figured out what was happening when the only activity she was ever doing was taking place in the bedroom.

Health experts say that primary care doctors should screen all teens for signs of depression. Mostly because the medical community knows the first sign of depression is pretty much being a teenager.

A study says that American teenagers are eating better. The bad news is that it doesn’t mean they are eating healthier, it just means that they aren’t spilling as much ice cream, french fries and hamburger toppings on their clothes.

Khloe Kardashian has signed up on dating service OkCupid after splitting with her boyfriend. The only problem is that her profile may scare away a lot of potential dates when they find out that if they marry her, their brother-in-law will be Kanye West.

Archie Comics is saying that Jughead Jones is asexual. Which was pretty much common knowledge for someone who was always around Betty and Veronica but only ever showed an interest in hanging around Moose and Miss Grundy.

Former “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson has signed a deal to write a children’s book about her daughter River Rose. The book revolves around the child making friends with a magical unicorn who is injured but brought back to health with the help of stable boy Justin Guarini.

Eli Manning explained his dour expression after his brother’s team made the winning touchdown in Super Bowl 50. Apparently he was still just trying to get over watching Coldplay’s entire set during the halftime show.

Cam Newton says he gave a short post game interview at the Super Bowl because he is a “sore loser.” Although at least he didn’t get sore from risking an injury that he could have gotten by say, diving into a pile to try to recover his fumble.

A federal agency says the Google self-driving car is its own driver. Apparently Google satisfied the requirements with a new advancement that actually allows the car to flip off other drivers.

The world’s largest solar plant has gone online in Morocco, serving 1.1 Million people. Although they wouldn’t need that energy in the first place if they would live in a country that isn’t located in the Sahara Desert.

The Telecommunications Act of 1996 is turning 20 years old. That cleared the way for cellphone service which allows people trying to get service from AT&T to be put on hold for the next 20.

The Telecommunications Act of 1996 is turning 20 years old. Which ironically will never be known by anyone born at the time it was passed unless it is mentioned it where they can see it on their cellphone screen on Twitter, Facebook or Snapchat.

Walgreens is installing medication disposal kiosks at 500 of its stores. The bad part is when customers hand the store pharmacist a prescription and they go over to the kiosk which has been renamed the “pharmaceutical recycling center.”

Walgreens is installing medication disposal kiosks at 500 of its stores. The only problem is when the store manager has to chase away all the stoners who gather out back to try and do some dumpster diving.

A study says that marijuana is much stronger now than it was in 1995. Which was pretty much proven when it was realized that the study actually started back in 1997.

A study says that marijuana is much stronger now than it was in 1995. Which finally explains the obesity epidemic that is now known to be caused by people who got stoned 20 years ago and still have the munchies.

Chris Christie says after his sixth place finish in the New Hampshire primary he will go back to New Jersey to take a deep breath. Which for most people taking a deep breath is usually the best time to want to get out of New Jersey.

Chris Christie says after his sixth place finish in the New Hampshire primary he will go back to New Jersey to take a deep breath. Which for Chris Christie, the only time he usually takes a deep breath is between courses while standing in the buffet line.

Jeb Bush is telling supporters his campaign “is not dead” and he is “going on to South Carolina.” The bad news is that when word got out he was heading to South Carolina, state police asked if that was going to require a funeral escort.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the New Hampshire primaries are over. The good news is that means two down, only 48 to go. The bad news is that just about all the candidates are still in the race. The really good news is at least from my perspective that there are 48 primaries and all the candidates which accounts for a good chunk of material on any given day. Almost every formula for joke writing is covered just by the candidacies of Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders. That makes my job easier. And my work is always more enjoyable on top of that when you all remember to take the time to make sure to send the love!

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Nielsen says that 111.9 Million people watched Super Bowl 50, the third most ever. That doesn’t even include the seven viewers who stuck around to watch Coldplay during the halftime show.

Nielsen says that 111.9 Million people watched Super Bowl 50, the third most ever. And out of all those people, Cam Newton was the only one who didn’t see that fumbled football right at his feet.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai received a record $199 Million stock bonus. News of the award was found by googling “ridiculous waste of corporate money.”


Google CEO Sundar Pichai received a record $199 Million stock bonus. Although that is nowhere near the money he was used to making when he was a character on "Pokemon."
 
A report says bank investors have suffered through two flat decades. As opposed to most investors who will need to work and save for another ten years just to try to get back to where they were before 2007.

A report says bank investors have suffered through two flat decades. Which is still a larger return than anyone who has actually had their investment money put away in a savings account.

A study says that a cat parasite can cause “psychotic distress” in people. The first symptom is having someone post videos of them online chasing a ball of yarn, getting their head stuck in a paper bag and walking across a piano.

An Alabama man wearing a clown costume was arrested for DUI. Although police let him go after he took the balloon he blew into for his breath test and made it into a horsey.

An Alabama man wearing a clown costume was arrested for DUI. There was no report on what happened with the other 19 people riding in his miniature sized car.

A Royal Caribbean cruise ship that was rocked by hurricane force winds was forced to turn around and go back to its home port in New Jersey. The good news is the passengers decided not to mutiny even though heading back to New Jersey violated twelve different sections of Maritime Law.

A Royal Caribbean cruise ship that was rocked by hurricane force winds was forced to turn around and go back to its home port in New Jersey. The bad part is that passengers actually lowered the lifeboats and figured they would be better off taking their chances with the storm.

Political pundits say Bernie Sanders appears to be out of his comfort zone when asked questions about foreign policy. Mostly because the only foreign policy issue he has ever been faced with in Vermont is about how much maple syrup to allow in from Canada.

The San Francisco Federal Reserve says that seven years of economic recovery doesn’t mean another recession is likely. To which most people are saying it’s news to them that we actually got out of the last recession.

The price of gasoline is nearing $1 a gallon in some parts of the country. The good news is that it leaves customers at the pump with enough cash to put a couple of dollars in the hat being held out for donations by the former oil company executives.

President Obama says that Wi-Fi connectivity at the White House is spotty. Which is really annoying when he has to get his Secret Service agents to drive him over to Starbucks just so he can post photoshopped pictures of Mitch McConnell on Facebook.

A report says that the Facebook app drains as much as 15% of an iPhone battery every day. The other 85% is used up by people going on Facebook to post pictures of every meal they have eaten that day.

A report says billing rates at elite law firms have reached $1,500 a hour. Which makes for the unusual defense strategy in suspects pleading not guilty to bank robbery because they needed the money to pay for their defense team.

A report says billing rates at elite law firms have reached $1,500 a hour. Which makes a tough decision for judges who have to take into consideration that the defense lawyers are guilty of pilfering more money than their clients.

A report says billing rates at elite law firms have reached $1,500 a hour. Who do they think they are, some sort of Starbucks barista?

In the wake of recent outbreaks at Chipotle restaurants, workers are being urged to stay home if they are sick. And customers are being urged to stay away if they are well.

Honda is recalling 45,000 Civics because the engines can stall while being driven. Or as Chrysler calls that, a standard feature.

A paper calls for the U.S. doing away with the $100 bill claiming it facilitates crime, terrorism and corruption. Although Wall Street executives are besides themselves at the prospect, wondering what they will use instead to light their Cuban cigars.

A paper calls for the U.S. doing away with the $100 bill claiming it facilitates crime, terrorism and corruption. Many Americans were shocked at the report. There is such a thing as a $100 bill?

A new government enforcement office has been formed to protect students from accumulating hefty tuition debt without getting a degree that will get them a good job. Otherwise known as registering in the Alabama state college system.

Twitter stock has fallen to an all time low. Which is no big deal for Twitter users since they don’t have any money to actually invest since they spend their entire day staring at their cellphone screen to send out all their tweets.

IKEA is removing window blinds that have cords that are hazardous to children. The only bigger household threat to children is being hit by a tool thrown by their dad in anger after spending five hours trying to assemble an IKEA corner grouping.

Chipotle restaurants closed for a few hours Monday during lunch for a food safety staff meeting. They had to close so the employees could go get lunch somewhere else to make sure they weren’t sick for the meeting.

A state panel is set to investigate why gasoline prices usually run higher in California. Once they are done, they can move on to why prices in the state are higher for real estate, food, utilities, water, medical care, insurance...

A state panel is set to investigate why gasoline prices usually run higher in California. Although it’s not that the price is any higher, it’s just that people spend more after burning up a tank of gas every day sitting in traffic for four hours during their commute.

A poll says that worry and stress are up in Chinese adults. Mostly from the fear that their job is going to be taken over by either the robot they are assembling or some ten year old who just reached the mandatory retirement age at Nike.

Scientists say they may have discovered a potential treatment for jet lag. It has something to do with flying United and being fully rested after taking enough Ambien to be knocked out for the entire three days it takes to arrive at the final destination.

Scientists say portraits of an older Michelangelo show he may have had arthritis. Mostly by the presence of all the bottles of Bayer, Bufferin and Tylenol that can be seen sitting on the table in the background.

Scientists have been studying the way pancakes cook as a way to study how glaucoma works. The way they came up with the idea was by working with glaucoma patients who get relief through smoking marijuana and keep asking to make another trip to IHOP.

A study says that concussions may lead to an increase in the risk of suicide. Mostly for the scientists who continually bang their heads against the wall and suffer depression from having to spend their entire lives putting together studies about concussions.

A study says that 61% of Americans gain extra weight while on vacation. The other 39% were surprised, saying “There are people who can afford to take vacations?”

A study says that 61% of Americans gain extra weight while on vacation. Which will no doubt lead to airline passengers being weighed before flying so they can hit them with an additional weight fee for the return trip.

Monica Lewinsky is planning to help fight cyberbullying with a new app. Apparently the app has saved her from cyberbullying by blocking all the threatening phone calls, texts and e-mails she still gets from Hillary Clinton.

David Bowie and Beyonce both reportedly told Coldplay they hated their music. Which can mean only one thing. Pretty soon we will be hearing about a collaboration on a concert tour collaboration featuring Coldplay and Justin Bieber.

A report says this year’s Oscars gift bag will contain a record $200,000 worth of swag. $190,000 of which will be for the bag itself after the Academy stamps it with a Louis Vuitton logo.

Tiger Woods’ caddy Joe LaCava says he has turned down offers to carry for other golfers while he waits for Tiger to return to the PGA Tour. To which Elin Nordegren is telling him if she had done that she would still be standing in her front yard at Isleworth with a 9 iron in her hand waiting for that SUV to come back down the driveway.

Peyton Manning says that Cam Newton was “extremely humble” in defeat after the Super Bowl. Although some people think he was misquoted and actually said he was “afraid of fumbles.”

Johnny Manziel’s ex-girlfriend says she told a parking valet that she was “afraid for her life.” Although that actually had to do with the look he gave her after she only tipped him 50 cents to get Manziel’s car.

Johnny Manziel’s ex-girlfriend says she told a parking valet that she was “afraid for her life.” Although it had nothing to do with Manziel, it was because the car she was driving was a rental Kia.

Marshawn Lynch’s agent says the Seattle Seahawks running back is retiring at age 29. How bad is it that he has to have his agent even announce his retirement because he’s afraid of saying it himself and being fined again.

Federal safety investigators say that Fiat Chrysler gear shifters are confusing to drivers. Mostly when they put the car into drive and it actually starts moving forward.

Hyundai’s “First Date” commercial was picked as the top ad being played during the Super Bowl. Mostly for trying to sell the concept that someone driving a Hyundai could actually get someone to go out with them.

A report says that Super Bowl 50 generated a record amount of data during the game. Mostly people who were texting, tweeting or playing video games so they had something else to do instead of actually watching the Coldplay halftime performance.

A group is pushing IBM supercomputer Watson to run for President. The only problem is that since it was built in 2006 it won’t be constitutionally eligible to run until the 2044 election.

A group is pushing IBM supercomputer Watson to run for President. Although opponents are already asking for proof of where it was made because of rumors that it may not be a natural born citizen since many of its components were made in China.

Bill Clinton is stumping for Hillary, saying sometimes he “wishes they weren’t married” so he could say what he really thinks. Of course, what he really thinks is that he wishes he wasn’t married to Hillary.

Bill Clinton is stumping for Hillary, saying sometimes he “wishes they weren’t married” so he could say what he really thinks. People were surprised at the admission. The Clintons are still married?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I would like to thank you for again checking out my blog. If nothing else, it is certainly a lot more entertaining than the time you wasted watching Coldplay at the Super Bowl. Or the Super Bowl. The good news is that I always enjoy the Super Bowl because it means the end of football season, which means warmer weather is eventually going to come back and that we aren’t that far from Spring Training. Then the world is good again. Of course, the world is always good when you all remember to take the time to make sure to send the love!

Sunday, February 07, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Neuroscientists are on a quest to preserve a human brain for 100 years for future revival. The only problem will be when it is reanimated having to listen to it talk about what things were like in the old days.

Neuroscientists are on a quest to preserve a human brain for 100 years for future revival. Which is already done pretty much every day by Larry King’s alarm clock.

A report says talking high tech sex dolls can be given any personality to be the perfect lover. Which for most men means the doll will arrive bringing pizza, will be able to recite all the Super Bowl winning teams and changes the oil in their car before going home.

Tech stocks have already lost $529 Billion of investment money in 2016. The only people who have lost more money on tech are the people who wasted their cash buying a smartwatch, Fitbit and Google Glass.

The unemployment rate dropped to 4.9% in January, which the Federal Reserve is calling full employment. Which for most Americans means there is enough work available to have three part time minimum wage jobs in order to make ends meet.

Supporters of Bernie Sanders have been kicked off Tinder for campaigning on the dating app. Although it has given middle aged men new hope in thinking they may have a chance with the women who are drawn to a short, balding 74 year old.

An investigation has been launched into a nude photo scandal at a Pennsylvania middle school. Apparently the school is in Amish country where the kids finally were allowed to use smartphones and find out what everyone else has been doing for years.

An investigation has been launched into a nude photo scandal at a Pennsylvania middle school. Remember when “picture day” at school meant you actually had to decide on an outfit to wear for the photo?

A report says Millennials are starting to dye their hair gray to look more mature. The only question is why would anyone want to think they are 20 years older than their actual age and still working at a Papa John’s?

A report says Millennials are starting to dye their hair gray to look more mature. As opposed to their parents whose hair turned gray because they have Millennial kids who won’t move out of the basement.

Argentina is holding its annual Aliens Festival for South Americans who believe in extraterrestrials. Which is different from the aliens festival that is held in Central America where everyone just tries to crash their way across the U.S. border at the same time.

North Korea has moved up the date of their proposed rocket launch from a window of February 8-25 to February 7-14. The question is who is running the launch, the local cable company?

A former vice president of Harman International has been charged with insider trading. Other executives were shocked at the news. If he needed more money, why didn’t he just do it like other front office workers and just reward themselves with a raise, stock options and bigger bonuses?

“Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch has been transferred to an adult jail where he is being kept away from other inmates. Which was a disappointment in that he has always thought solitary confinement at an adult institution meant his own room at a Marriott.

Orange County, California saw a record 47.3 Million visitors last year. Not only that, but as many as 5.2 Million of those visitors were actually in the country legally.

Orange County, California saw a record 47.3 Million visitors last year. And those were just the people in line to ride the Matterhorn.

A study says that Tom Brady was actually the NFL’s most “valuable” quarterback, generating $92.9 Million in total revenue for the Patriots. And that isn’t even factoring inflation.

A study says that Tom Brady was actually the NFL’s most “valuable” quarterback, generating $92.9 Million in total revenue for the Patriots. And that was just from putting Giselle Bundchen on the cover of the team’s souvenir programs.

A report says that Sweden’s use of apps and credit cards has left only 2% of the economy run by cash. Which is slightly different than the U.S. which is also run by 2% cash, mostly because 98% of Americans haven’t actually had any cash since 2007.

Former Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal has endorsed Marco Rubio for President. Rubio thanked him for his support, and more importantly for the five extra votes his campaign will pick up because of it.

Mars, Inc. says it will phase out artificial colors form all its candy. That way people eating M&Ms, Milky Way and Snickers will be much healthier by consuming just the other ingredients of chocolate, sugar and fat.

Google’s Go playing program will challenge the game’s world champion to a match. While computers have made tremendous progress in playing games, Watson is still getting his backside handed to him by five year olds when it comes to playing Jacks.

The percentage of Americans looking for work went up three times in the past four months. There was also an increase in the number of people looking for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, under their pillow from the Tooth Fairy and any discarded winning lottery tickets in the trash dumpster at the 7-Eleven.

The percentage of Americans looking for work went up three times in the past four months. The other month was December when everyone was hoping they would make it through with the winning lottery ticket they asked from Santa Claus.

President Obama is taking credit for the economic improvement including a drop in unemployment. Although the economy will never really get any better until something is done about the 100% employment rate for all the seats in Congress.

105 former NHL players are bringing a class action suit against the league over damage from concussions. The league is relieved knowing they can handle that cost a lot better than if they had instead filed a suit demanding payment for long term dental care.

A study says that sleeping too much or not enough may lead to excessive weight gain for pregnant women. Well, that sure narrows it down.

A study says that emotional distress and substance abuse is tied to weapons use in teens. And the best way to prevent all three is to not raise your child in Florida.

The CDC says three million women are at risk of exposing their babies to alcohol because they are drinking, having sex and not using birth control. Or as that is known in Mississippi, a pretty good Saturday night.

The NTSB is recommending states drop the legal Blood Alcohol Level to .05% or lower. Which could be a problem in Hollywood as most celebrities can’t blow that low even when they are going through the checkout at rehab.

A study says that when dieters are exposed to negative messages about food they crave it more. Which is no surprise since that is probably the reason they are having to be on a diet in the first place.

A study says that the Body Mass Index mislabels 54 Million Americans as overweight or obese. Apparently those people should instead be just considered fat, outsized or overfed.

Carnival Cruise lines is one of several travel companies allowing employees to change their schedules to avoid working in areas affected by the outbreak of the Zika virus. Mostly because working on a Carnival ship only exposes workers to norovirus, salmonella and gonorrhea.

Johnny Manziel’s father says he is worried his son will die if he doesn’t get any help for his behavior. The only quarterback whose life is in more immediate danger than Manziel  is whomever takes the snaps behind the Detroit Lions offensive line.

“Teen Mom OG” cast member Amber Portwood says after finding out about her fiancee’s seven secret children that “people make mistakes.” Which is pretty much how the entire cast of “Teen Mom OG” got their careers going in the first place.

“Teen Mom OG” cast member Amber Portwood says after finding out about her fiancee’s seven secret children that “people make mistakes.” Now all she has to do is hope he is just as forgiving about her getting pregnant at 16, serving jail time for drug abuse, and being arrested for domestic violence.

Solange Knowles lost her wedding ring during a Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans. The amazing part was that it didn’t happen while she was punching out Jay-Z.

A poll says the New England Patriots is the least favorite football team in the NFL. The favorite team is whomever Johnny Manziel is quarterbacking against.

A poll says the New England Patriots is the least favorite football team in the NFL. Which is ironic in that the results were the one thing that was actually inflated because of Tom Brady.

Roger Goodell says that a London franchise for the NFL is a “realistic possibility.” Although no one is holding their breath since that is the same chances the league is quoting for the Detroit Lions to be in next year’s Super Bowl.

Johnny Manziel’s agent dropped him after the latest allegations of domestic abuse. Apparently his agent is worried about having to serve 15% of a 5-10 year prison sentence.

Johnny Manziel’s agent dropped him after the latest allegations of domestic abuse. Although before he quit he did have the presence of mind to file for a copyright on the terms “Johnny Inmate,” “Johnny Convict” and “Johnny Jailbird.”

A golf club swinging robot made a hole-in-one at the Phoenix Open. Although on the downside it had to buy a round of 3-In-One oil for all the other robots in the clubhouse bar.

A golf club swinging robot made a hole-in-one at the Phoenix Open. What did anyone expect from a machine that can only communicate using 1s and 0s?

Apollo Astronaut Edgar Mitchell has died at age 85. He was the 6th man to set foot on the Moon. He is the 5th Moonwalker who has passed away. 6 if you count Michael Jackson.

Twitter has shut down 125,000 accounts they say are related to terrorism. Mostly the ones Donald Trump is using to tweet about Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio.

A study says that the bad behavior of Henry VIII may have been caused by brain injury. Apparently historians forgot about the six years he put in as a defensive back in the NFL.

A Quicken Loans ad claims that it can arrange a mortgage loan in just eight minutes. Which is nothing compared to the three and a half minutes it will take just three months later to process the foreclosure.

The GOP candidates used a video to share their pre-debate rituals. Which for Donald Trump is mostly going through the list of insulting names he will use for each of his opponents.

The GOP candidates used a video to share their pre-debate rituals. Which for Jeb Bush is mostly making sure the people in charge of the debate know that he is still running.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This month marks the 40th anniversary of one of the great albums in rock history, the debut LP of The Ramones. To which anyone who is under 40 and reading this is asking “What is an album and LP?” The Ramones were one of the great American bands who basically set off the Punk Rock revolution and have influenced many musicians who have come along since then. They were known for their high energy songs that were short in length but long on playability. It’s sad to think that three of the founding members are now gone, but their music will always live on. So will their performance in the classic cult film “Rock and Roll High School.” If you have never seen it, I would highly suggest you find it somewhere on line and give it a look. It’s one of my favorite movies of all time, if for nothing else than the line “This is the big time, girlie. This is Rock and Roll.” What better way than that to describe The Ramones? Give a thought today to Johnny, Joey, Marky and Dee Dee when you take the time to remember to send the love!

Friday, February 05, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

NATO says that Russia practiced nuclear strikes against Sweden in 2013. Apparently that’s what happens when Vladimir Putin ends up spending an entire weekend trying to put together a living room sectional from IKEA.

McDonald’s kale salad reportedly has more calories than a Big Mac. Mostly from all the fat and sugar they have to put on the kale to get anyone at McDonald’s to try it.

McDonald’s kale salad reportedly has more calories than a Big Mac. Until now, most McDonald’s customers thought a dinner salad was the lettuce and pickles that came with a Big Mac.

A report says that U.S. layoffs have surged to a six month high. Most the planned layoffs come from Wal-Mart closings, which won’t be that much of a nuisance for the workers who will lose their jobs since most of them are already on public assistance.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will require teams to interview women for all executive positions. Although some people think he isn’t really trying to encourage women applicants, especially since Ray Rice was hired as the NFL Headquarters elevator operator.

A study says the average American will spend 43 days of their life on hold. Which explains why the suicide rate continues to climb by making people listen to six weeks’ worth of Air Supply, the Bee Gees and ABBA.

A mysterious cat urine odor is perplexing people in a New York village. Apparently the smell is only detectable when the wind is blowing out of New Jersey.

A pollster has warned the University of Iowa that its public standing was suffering from its image as a party school. Because what high school student who wants to have a good time in their college experience doesn’t put Iowa at the top of their list?

A pollster has warned the University of Iowa that its public standing was suffering from its image as a party school. Although the only parties that have recently damaged the reputation of Iowa are the two that recently held caucuses there.

An Italian man is suing his wife for not cleaning and cooking enough. The bad news for the man is that the case is being turned over to the jurisdiction of Judge Judy.

An Italian man is suing his wife for not cleaning and cooking enough. A codefendant has been named as the company that made the apron his wife bought that says “I Hate Housework.”

Ohio lawmakers are considering a bill that would regulate the cost of prescription drugs. Apparently it would limit pharmaceutical companies from raising the prices of life saving drugs overnight to only 4,000%.

Hasbro and Mattel are reportedly considering a merger. The only problem is the proposed new name for the company would be Haz-Mat.

Hasbro and Mattel are reportedly considering a merger. The word of the deal got out when Barbie was seen on an intimate dinner date with Chewbacca.

Honda is recalling 2.2 Million vehicles because of new reports of faulty Takata airbags. Or as 2.2 Million recalls is known to GM, a pretty good Tuesday.

President Obama says he wants a $10 a barrel tax on oil to fund clean transportation. Meaning any sort of vehicles that don’t run on oil.

President Obama says he wants a $10 a barrel tax on oil to fund clean transportation. Which could bump the price of oil all the way to $10.50 a barrel.

An economist says that the new CDC guidance on drinking and pregnancy is “crazy.”
And who knows crazy more than someone in the field that brought us Reaganomics, the mortgage crisis and an $18 Trillion deficit?

Facebook has turned 12 years old. Which makes it just old enough to get into some real trouble by opening its own page on Myspace.

Playboy has launched its first non-nude issue. Which in the age of Internet porn is expected to sell about as many copies as its most recent fully nude issues.

Playboy has launched its first non-nude issue. Which could soon be followed by a non-news issue of Time, a fashion-less Cosmopolitan and a special issue of Sports Illustrated dedicated to billiards, equestrian and bowling.

A report says a historic, rusting ocean liner could be restored to its luxury past. Of course, people who like the idea of sailing on a historic, rusting ship still have the option to booking a cruise with Carnival.

The Department of Homeland Security is combing the Bay Area looking for unlicensed merchandise being sold before the Super Bowl. Because if they can’t seem to ever catch any terrorists, at least we should feel safe knowing that the NFL will be able to collect full royalties on all the jerseys that will be seen in the stands during the game.

The Department of Homeland Security is combing the Bay Area looking for unlicensed merchandise being sold before the Super Bowl. Which is bad news for the fans who don’t have more than $20 to pay for a jersey for the Brancos or the Ponthers.

A lottery winner in Iowa is suing the lottery company claiming his jackpot should have been higher because of other drawings that were fixed. Which shows that even lottery winners know the way to really strike it rich in America. Win a lawsuit against a major corporation.

A study says there is a high rate of alcoholism, depression and anxiety among U.S. attorneys. Just think how bad it would be if any of their cases actually ended up in front of Judge Judy.

A study says there is a high rate of alcoholism, depression and anxiety among U.S. attorneys. Which finally explains a lot of the decisions handed down by the Supreme Court.

A study says there is a high rate of alcoholism, depression and anxiety among U.S. attorneys. Which is then passed along to all their clients when it comes time to send out their monthly billing.

A study says that eating small bits of chocolate during pregnancy may be good for both mom and baby. And it will also be healthy for dads who are smart enough to know to stay away from mom’s stash.

A study says that daily text messages from the doctor’s office increase the chances that patients will take their prescription drugs. Just like a daily text message from Kate Upton are the best way to insure that patients will remember to take their Viagra.

A study says that whether people are early birds or night owls is determined by their genes. And whether or not they think it’s worth the risk of being locked out trying to sneak into the house at 3:00 in the morning.

A study says that ADHD may be tied to obesity in girls. Especially the ones who lose focus and forget the reason there is only one doughnut left in the box is because they have already eaten the other eleven.

A study says that men are less likely to yawn contagiously than women. Unless they sit down and actually try to read the entire study.

A study says that men are less likely to yawn contagiously than women. Mostly because the reason the women are yawning is from having to listen to a man talk endlessly all night about himself.

Earth, Wind & Fire founding member Maurice White has died at age 74. Although after he died it was just narrowed down to Earth & Fire with his options of being buried or cremated.

CBS has turned down an ad for strip club Scores during the Super Bowl. Apparently the ad was too racy, didn’t meet the standards of the NFL and if men want to watch naked women parading around they can always just watch the game’s beer commercials.

CBS has turned down an ad for strip club Scores during the Super Bowl, because they don’t meet the standards of the NFL. Which is against the idea of scantily clad women unless they are being assaulted in an elevator by a player.

Former quarterback Joe Montana says his injuries have made it so he can’t really run anymore. Which means that even at age 59 he is still in mid-season form.

Johnny Manziel’s ex-girlfriend says he hit her while they were in a car. Unfortunately he has gone from being a Cleveland Brown to more of a Chris Brown.

A report says that 14 professional sports teams are now owned by techies. Which apparently is tied in with a deep seated desire for revenge for the time they spent in school doing jocks’ homework to keep from walking around with a permanent wedgie.

An ancient Greek headstone has an image that some people says resembles a laptop computer. Which shows that even the ancient Greeks knew that sitting in front of a computer all day would eventually send people to an early grave.

A report says IT spending around the world will top $2.8 Trillion by 2019. Most of that will come in the form of keeping the company break room stocked with a full supply of Cheetos. Pop-Tarts and Mountain Dew.

A report says technology may mean the end of side mirrors on cars. Mostly because who needs to use mirrors anymore when you can just use your smartphone to take all kinds of selfies to see how good you look?

Facebook says that every person in the world is now separated by only three and a half degrees. Mostly because Facebook has allowed us to call up to 5,000 complete strangers our “friends.”

Facebook says that every person in the world is now separated by only three and a half degrees. Which means that we are still two and a half degrees closer to some Pakistani working in a rice paddy than we are to Kevin Bacon.

A report says that Facebook has cost businesses $3.5 Trillion in lost productivity. Which means everyone would come out way ahead if companies just gave Mark Zuckerberg $50 Billion so he can be the richest person in the world and just shut down the site.

A survey says that 92% of students prefer paper books over e-books. The other 8% were asking “What’s a ‘book’?”

A survey says that 92% of students prefer paper books over e-books. Apparently the glare and lower resolution just don’t make for the same quality pictures to look at on a Kindle.

A student at Emerson College in Boston is in hot water for renting out his dorm room on Airbnb. Apparently it was discovered when complaints came in about the loud dubstep music next door, some guy constantly playing guitar in the lounge and the huge pile of empty Red Bull cans in the corner.

The FAA has banned drones within 32 miles of the Super Bowl this Sunday. Now all they need to do is ban fans from holding up signs, body paints and the Wave.

George W. Bush is appearing in an ad backing his brother Jeb. Apparently the message is that Jeb has got to do a better job than his brother.

Republican candidates are vying for Rand Paul’s supporters now that he has dropped out of the presidential race. It could end up being a tough fight to corral all seven of those votes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Super Bowl is this weekend. Just thought I would let you know in case you hadn’t heard anything about it yet. Although the Broncos and Panthers isn’t exactly the match that network and league officials were hoping would be on the marquee at the end of the season. I’m sure I will watch the game if for no other reason to see if the referee can do a better job with the coin toss than they did during the Packers and Cardinals game. I hope you enjoy the game and eat a lot of pizza and drink a lot of beer if for no other reason than to feel too bloated and drunk to have to pay attention during Coldplay’s set in the halftime show. In the meantime, I hope you are able to set aside a few minutes over the weekend to remember to make sure to send the love!

Thursday, February 04, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Japan has put its military on alert to shoot down any North Korean missile launches that threaten its territory. So far they have deployed several soldiers armed with tennis rackets, potato guns and sling shots.

The White House is rallying people in earthquake prone areas to prepare for a major event. Especially if during a campaign stop out west Chris Christie falls off the platform.

Google will expand its self-driving car testing to Washington State. Apparently they want to put them through the toughest driving conditions in the nation, where the cars are expected to stop every other block at each coffee shop they pass.

Microsoft says that future NFL games could be played out with holograms on coffee tables. The only problem will be when a receiver has to alter their route to avoid an ashtray, unfinished muffin and crumpled beer can.

A study says that brain scans could catch depression in people before it starts. Especially when the scan is done immediately after the patient is handed their bill for the cost of the testing.

Germany is considering putting a $5,450 limit on cash transactions. The U.S. may consider such measures just as soon as Americans are able to get their hands on another $5,400.

A 99 Million year old spider fossil was found still with an erection. And most men think it’s an emergency that required calling the doctor when their Levitra works for more than four hours.

A 99 Million year old spider fossil was found still with an erection. There hasn’t been a fossil that old found with an erection since Bob Dole signed on to endorse Viagra.

New warehouse robots reportedly boost productivity by 800% over humans. Which means they can actually work more than ten minutes without taking a break and handle more than 20 tasks in a single day.

New warehouse robots reportedly boost productivity by 800% over humans. And that’s just in the money saved by the company in providing free doughnuts to their workers.

Iraq is reportedly building a wall and trench around Baghdad. The worst part is they are doing it to keep out undocumented immigrants from Mexico.

Iraq is reportedly building a wall and trench around Baghdad. The only question is whether they are trying to keep people inside the city or out.

Iraq is reportedly building a wall and trench around Baghdad. The sad part is that if U.S. troops had done that in 2003 there might not even have been a war.

Rand Paul has ended his campaign for President. Apparently he was at least hoping his run would last long enough to get him out of New Hampshire and campaign for at least a couple of weeks when the primaries move to Florida.

Donald Trump says that Ted Cruz stole the Iowa Caucuses. Which is interesting how when candidates lie themselves it is called their vision of the future, but when the other candidates lie it is called fraud.

Donald Trump says that Ted Cruz stole the Iowa Caucuses. Apparently Trump feels that primaries should be won the old fashioned way, based on who spends the most money.

Doctors say the late Raiders quarterback Ken Stabler had CTE. The only way he could have suffered more concussions was if he were to attend any Raiders games wearing a Broncos jersey.

Thousands of people were out protesting the educational system in Hungary that is now putting more emphasis on testing students. At least we now know who bought up all those discarded manuals about how to implement No Child Left Behind ended up.

Next Tuesday is Safer Internet Day. That is the day where men try a little harder to keep their wives from discovering what they are looking at and who they are chatting with online.

Ben & Jerry’s is launching a new vegan ice cream line. Which completely takes away the whole point of there even being a Ben & Jerry’s.

Jeb Bush gave a campaign speech in New Hampshire where he had to ask the audience to applaud when he was done. Apparently the audience was ready to applaud but they were waiting for the part where he says he is dropping out of the race.

A California man is suing McDonald’s for using mock mozzarella in their cheese sticks. If he thinks that is worthy of legal action, just wait until he orders a McRib Sandwich.

A California man is suing McDonald’s for using mock mozzarella in their cheese sticks. The worst part was when he was sickened by mock salmonella.

A study says that Super Bowl 50 will be the most expensive sporting event in history, with ticket prices averaging $5,000. Although it is still cheaper than tickets for a regular season game at Yankee Stadium if you also factor in the cost of a hot dog and beer.

A study says that Super Bowl 50 will be the most expensive sporting event in history, with ticket prices averaging $5,000. That’s just a fraction of the total cost considering the price of air fare, hotels and medical bills for the STDs caught the week before the game.

Lawmakers are proposing a bill that would privatize Air Traffic Control. Because what could possibly go wrong with having the job of directing a pilot to land a planeload of passengers in bad weather done by someone making $7.25 an hour with no benefits who has to take a break every three hours to check in with their parole officer?

Lawmakers are proposing a bill that would privatize Air Traffic Control. Which would save taxpayers money in having tower workers bring their own air mattresses in to work for the three hours of nap time they take every shift.

Florida Governor Rick Scott has declared an emergency in counties where nine cases of Zika have been confirmed. Which is an unusual call in a state where there were at least that many people injured by gunfire just during lunch.

Freshmen students at Oral Roberts University in Oklahoma are being required to wear Fitbit monitors which could affect their grades. Students are expected to walk at least 10,000 steps each day. Which will change the ‘60s mantra of “Turn on, tune in, drop out” to “Sit down, chow down flunk out.”

A study says that Americans are ten times more likely to be killed by a gun than people in other countries. Although those are mostly the people who drive around Texas in a car with a Hillary Clinton bumper sticker.

A study says that Americans are ten times more likely to be killed by a gun than people in other countries. Although the odds drop dramatically by taking the proper steps of not having a job, not going to school and never watching movies in a theater.

A study says a healthy brain is linked to an active sex life in old age. Why is sex in old age so healthy while sex for younger people always comes with warnings about consequences, guilt and disease?

Kansas has yet to identify the cause of an illness linked to Buffalo Wild Wings. Although it could have something to do with the customers who sit around all day watching football while eating Buffalo wings and drinking beer.

Kansas has yet to identify the cause of an illness linked to Buffalo Wild Wings. Although it may have something to do with dinner patrons who ate there following lunch at Chipotle.

A study says that older adults who give up driving may show a decline in health. Which is ironic compared with the improvement in the health of others who are not as likely to be hit by a car driven by a senior.

A study says that older adults who give up driving may show a decline in health. But only the ones who don’t use their car to go to the McDonald’s drive-thru every day.

A study says that sitting for long stretches may boost the risk of developing type 2 diabetes. Especially if the sitting is done in a booth at the nearby Krispy Kreme store.

Def Leppard is postponing their latest tour because of an unspecified illness. Either that or it has something to do with group members’ need to enroll in a remedial spelling program.

Burger King has debuted their new Extra Long Buttery Cheeseburger. It’s extra long so the customer can enjoy the meal during the entire trip in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

Amy Duggar says she really never felt up to Duggar family standards. Mostly because she is a cousin to Josh Duggar and he only felt up his sisters.

Alabama finished ranked number one with football recruiting for the Class of 2016. Fortunately for the players, they are admitted based on passing percentage over test scores and yards per carry over GPA.

Alabama finished ranked number one with football recruiting for the Class of 2016. Which will be a thrill in another three years when the players can show off their National Championship rings to all their fellow drivers at Domino’s Pizza.

A Taylor Swift video game is in the making. The goal is to date her for three weeks and then dump her and then get to hear the song she writes about the break up.

Dissatisfied Uber drivers are threatening to protest the Super Bowl over lower fares. The only problem is that anyone who can afford to buy Super Bowl tickets, fly to San Francisco and pay the inflated hotel prices won’t be the ones calling to have a college student drive them around town in their Prius.

Rumors about the iPhone 7 are already floating around seven months before the debut. Which means in another two months we will start hearing the rumors about the features in the iPhones 8,9 and 10.

A report says that fitness trackers contributed to doubling the spending on wearable technology. The only problem for people is finding an outfit that matches their smartwatch, head-mounted display, body-worn camera, Bluetooth headset, wristband and chest strap.

Influential Google engineer Amit Singhal says he is planning to retire at age 48. Industry experts were shocked by the news. There is an employee in Silicon Valley who has kept a job past 40?

Donald Trump’s plane “Trump Force One” made an unscheduled landing at Nashville because of an engine problem. Which really helped anyone who was looking for a metaphor as to what happened to his campaign in Iowa.

Donald Trump’s plane “Trump Force One” made an unscheduled landing at Nashville because of an engine problem. Apparently the engine was fine for flying, it just needed a boost in power to be used to style Trump’s hair every morning.

Rand Paul and Rick Santorum have pulled out of the GOP presidential race. Paul was disappointed in low interest, fundraising problems and mostly that his campaign couldn’t outlast Rick Santorum.

A TSA administrator says “We’re significantly better than we were.” Apparently they have been able to show agents that they can also learn to look for guns and explosives at the same time they are confiscating bottles with more than three ounces of liquids.

A TSA administrator says “We’re significantly better than we were.” In fact, things are improving so much that some day they hope to be as popular as AT&T, Comcast and Bank of America.

A TSA administrator says “We’re significantly better than we were.” Especially for people who are violated by a TSA agent but still find it a more enjoyable experience than the flight they are in line to board on United Airlines.

John Kasich has reportedly picked up a former adviser from the Rand Paul campaign. The bad part is that his advice was that Kasich should be like Paul and also pack it in.

Florida legislators have given the green light to a bill that would allow anyone with a concealed weapon permit to carry their guns in the open. Which is good news for Florida gun owners who find it wastes too much time when shooting someone to actually have to pull it out of a holster.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the world of comedy. Legendary comedian Bob Elliott, half of the team of Bob and Ray has died at age 92. His low key humor kept him on radio and TV for more than 40 years with the duo remembered for many of their classic bits. He was the father of comedian Chris Elliott who achieved his own level of success with David Letterman and the show “Get A Life” until he made the movie “Cabin Boy” and was never heard from again. Oh, well. I’m sure his dad eventually forgave him. So think of Bob Elliott and his great comedy contributions while you read the garbage I put out every day and at least think this has to beat “Cabin Boy.” Barely. And when you do that, make sure to take the time to remember to send the love!