Thursday, July 19, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Mexico’s new government is weighing legalizing drugs. Apparently they need to read up more on their country’s history as that has pretty much been the case since 1974.

The U.S. is looking to make more drugs easily available, cutting the roles doctors play. That way patients wanting opioids can go straight to rehab while cutting out the middleman.

Chicago will become the largest city in the U.S. to test a universal basic income of $500 a month for everyone. Which is just about enough for bus fare and expenses to catch the first Greyhound leaving for Florida.

A study says climate change could kill the Internet in 15 years. Mostly because it’s tough to go online when your computers are all under four feet of water.

A New York Masseuse is offering snake massages for $300. To which most men are asking “Is that a metaphor?”

Donald Trump says there is “no time limit” with North Korean denuclearization. Mostly because their stock of Uranium 235 based weapons will be considerably weaker when they reach their half life in another 700 Million years.

Donald Trump says there is “no time limit” with North Korean denuclearization. Mostly because they won’t even matter once we enter a thermonuclear war with China and Russia.

Twitter has suspended 58 Million accounts in a crackdown of fake followers. It turns out that besides Donald Trump. Kim Kardashian and Katy Perry, there are only 15 real people actually using Twitter.

A study says Marines are the heaviest drinkers in the military. Except for a brief time in 1972 when George E. Bush enlisted in the Texas Air National Guard.

A study says Marines are the heaviest drinkers in the military. The first clue was when it was realized the majority of Marine recruiting centers are usually located in the back of sports bars.

A study says teens who are glued to their smartphones risk symptoms of ADHD. Although most are too focused on their device screens to be able to take a test to find out.

A Florida man was arrested for trying to contact his former girlfriend 200 times a day. Which turns out she was the only woman who never complained about her boyfriend never calling.

A poll says 73% of Democrats want a fresh face to run for President in 2020. Although it turns out they are talking about on the Republican ticket.

A passenger group is fighting a battle over shrinking plane seating. Although the question isn’t whether the seats are shrinking or the passengers just keep getting larger.

A passenger group is fighting a battle over shrinking plane seating. Which trying to get thinner passengers turns out to be the real reason that airlines stopped serving inflight meals years ago.

A passenger group is fighting a battle over shrinking plane seating, saying one problem is that it is now impossible to evacuate a plane in 90 seconds. Mostly because it takes ten times that long just for people to pry their oversized luggage out of the overhead bins.

A passenger group is fighting a battle over shrinking plane seating, calling it ”torture class.”  Which was proven when some of the airlines started calling tickets “waterboarding passes.”

A passenger group is fighting a battle over shrinking plane seating, calling it “torture class.” The worst part is that people flying United call torture class an upgrade.

Robert Mueller ias asking Paul Manafort’s judge to immunize five witnesses. To which Donald Trump says if those people are anti-vaccine, it should be their right to say no.

A Virginia restaurant is being called out for ridiculing a 17 year old customer who paid his bill mostly in coins. More than likely because he could only get a minimum wage paying job at another restaurant.

Liz Cambage broke the WNBA single game scoring record with 53 points. Which is even more impressive considering most WNBA games don’t end up with the final score for both teams totalling 53 points.

A Tennessee man was killed by lightning in a freak accident while mowing his mom’s lawn. Even weirder is that it turns out his mother lived on the other side of Rand Paul.

In his latest account of meeting with Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump says he “laid down the law.” Which is partially true as he just added on those last two words.

A Florida couple won a $15,000 settlement along with an apology from their mayor for painting their home to look like van Gogh’s “A Starry Night” for their autistic son. In a response to the decision, the town’s city hall is being painted to match Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.”

Ohio police released body cam video of the arrest of Storm Daniels. Although it turns out to be inconclusive as no one could recognize the adult star because she was wearing clothes.

Turkey has allowed its two year state of emergency to end with new anti-terrorism laws. However, they will keep the other state of emergency declarations that have been in effect since 1541.

Turkey has allowed its two year state of emergency to end with new anti-terrorism laws. Which are not to be confused with the state of emergency declared by the other turkeys every year right around the time of Thanksgiving.

Donald Trump says he always wanted to interview with Robert Mueller. Which becomes more obvious with all the work he has done helping Russia meddle in our elections.

The MGM hotel is suing victims of the mass shooting there claiming they have no liability. Which in Las Vegas terms is called making a bad bluff and doubling down.

A study says young adults are drinking themselves to death. Which surprised researchers who thought the only way young people were killing themselves was eating junk food, never getting off the couch and texting while driving.

A 13 year old boy was bitten by a suspected shark off Fire Island in New York. Apparently the shark couldn’t tell it was a human as the boy was the only one there not wearing Speedos.

A 13 year old boy was bitten by a suspected shark in the water off Fire Island in New York. Although how hard is it to confirm it was actually a shark when you are dealing with the terms “bitten” and “in the water”?

Nigeria will relaunch its national airline at the end of the year. Apparently they are just waiting on a donation from some princes just as soon as they can get a few more people to answer their ads to get some relatives out of jail.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just a few jokes today, but that is a bonus as I didn’t think I would have any since I was out of town and just got back in late last night. Of course the real bonus for you long time readers is where there are no jokes at all. No such luck today. I hope you missed me! I rarely take off a day that isn’t a holiday or weekend but will be back on my usual five days a week of hilarity. Or whatever other description you want to use. I just don’t want to hear it. All I ever really want to hear is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Rolls Royce says it is planning to make flying taxis that can carry four people 500 miles in two hours. Don’t we already have that? They’re called “Lear Jets.”

A new high tech mirror will point out users’ facial flaws. Isn’t that what ex-husbands are for?

Mexico’s new president-elect has slashed his own salary. He did that by taking the exact same salary only by trading in his pesos for Bitcoins.

Rioting, looting and violence broke out after France won the World Cup. The good news is that the country has shown they have what it takes to qualify for their own NBA team.

Vladimir Putin says 25 Million cyberattacks were thwarted during the World Cup. Apparently all the hackers got bored to tears after trying to watch five weeks of nothing but soccer.

Starbucks is reportedly worried it could be bad for business if former CEO Howard Schultz runs for President. Although if he can get people as excited about paying their taxes as he did to pay $6 for a cup of coffee, the national deficit will be gone in about three weeks.

Donald Trump already has $88 Million in his war chest to run for President in 2020. Which he will need as he more than likely won’t be able to count on the $1 Billion in free air time he got in 2016 from the “fake news” networks.

The Canadian trade flap hasn’t hurt the number of tourists coming into the U.S. from the north. Mostly because they are getting their revenge every time we have to look at a fat Canadian man on a Florida beach wearing a Speedo.

The WHO is recognizing compulsive sexual behavior as a mental disorder. Which means Harvey Weinstein may try to get his legal fees covered under his health insurance plan.

The WHO is recognizing compulsive sexual behavior as a mental disorder. Which means we should be hearing about the latest sex scandal involving an executive at WHO any day now.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin met in Helsinki, although there was no mention of Russia meddling in our elections. Unless that constant five minutes of winking back and forth between the two somehow had something to do with it.

Lava from the Hawaiian volcano created a tiny island off the coast. Which has already been bought with a plan to develop a $10 Million private mansion by Larry Ellison.

The Thai soccer team is expected to return home this week. If you are not familiar with their story, you must be living in some kind of cave.

U.S. retail and restaurant sales rose by a half percent in June. Mostly because no matter what the economy is doing, Americans are always ready to eat and buy more stuff they don’t need.

A teenage girl in Florida was tied to a tree by her earbuds, Apparently she just wanted to hear the tree bark.

A mob in Indonesia killed 300 crocodiles as revenge for a man who was killed in a crocodile attack. That will make sure they think twice before attacking another human.

A mob in Indonesia killed 300 crocodiles as revenge for a man who was killed in a crocodile attack. When the mob was asked how long until they would come back and even more, they said “in a while.”

Donald Trump says the U.S. and Russia will have an “extraordinary relationship.” At least as long as he has to depend on them to get reelected in 2020.

Donald Trump says U.S. and Russian relations were at an “all-time low” because of the FBI’s “rigged witch hunt.” Which brings up the question, if he is worried about their investigation is he calling himself the witch?

Donald Trump says U.S. and Russian relations were at an “all-time low” because of the FBI’s “rigged witch hunt.” To which Hillary Clinton is saying “You leave me out of this!”

Iran says if Donald Trump wants to talk with them, he will have to be the one to make a call. The only problem being the White House isn’t sure if Iran has access to any phone service.

An Oregon man with $45,000 worth of ecstasy in his car crashed into a police cruiser. His reaction to being arrested was reportedly less than ecstatic.

Papa John founder John Schnatter was evicted from corporate offices after using a racial slur. Although he will still be allowed inside whenever the company executives order from his new job delivering for Domino’s.

Economists are predicting France’s World Cup win will bring the country economic growth of a tenth of a percent this year. It would be more but how much money can be made when the only marketing tie-in is selling berets with World Cup patches?

The IMF says the global economy has “plateaued.” The only problem being the plateau most the world is stuck at is still where we bottomed out in the recession back in 2007.

A 25 year old Stanford MBA student has launched a 3D printed manicure business. Meaning she could have pretty much stopped her education and done the same thing after 8th grade.

A report says a majority of U.S. business economists believe employment and wages will continue to grow. Which means they are counting on Congress to keep gradually increasing the level of the minimum wage.

A report says a majority of U.S. business economists believe employment and wages will continue to grow. Mostly because they know the only way that will be true for them is by telling those companies what they want to hear.

A report says 3D printing can reduce the cost of Air Force toilet seats from $10,000 down to $300. Mostly because the printers can’t make them the way the generals insist for their personal used with 24 carat gold plating.

A report says 3D printing can reduce the cost of Air Force toilet seats from $10,000 down to $300. Although the military could drop that price down to about $15 by just going to Home Depot.

A study says taking short breaks at work makes employees happier and better at their jobs. Mostly to escape the monotony they have at their desk at watching cat videos, posting on social media and looking at Internet porn all day.

A study says taking short breaks at work makes employees happier and better at their jobs. Especially when they can use that time to catch up on the two other jobs they have to work to make ends meet.

A New Jersey woman has a rare condition that makes her feel like she is always suffocating. It’s called living in New Jersey.

A New Jersey woman has a rare condition that makes her feel like she is always suffocating. Usually that affliction is only experienced by women having sex with Russell Crowe.

Khloe Kardashian posted pictures of her new baby True. If she would put some pictures of her baby along with Kim Kardashian’s oldest daughter we would have True North.

Kim Kardashian says when it comes to social media and parenting, “there has to be rules.” Especially when the only way she ever sees her kids is when the nannies post pictures of them all over social media.

Kim Kardashian says when it comes to social media and parenting, “there has to be rules.” The rules being the more money you can make exploiting social media, the less time you have to actually spend yourself doing any parenting.

Rob Reiner’s new film “Shock and Awe” grossed only $41,000 its first weekend. Which the real shock and awe is the look on studio executives faces when they find out they spent $16.5 Million to make it.

Taylor Swift posted pictures with fans during their marriage proposal at her concert. She said someday she hopes to get a marriage proposal when she finds a guy she feels like dating more than three weeks.

There is now only one Blockbuster video store left in the entire country, in Bend, Oregon. Apparently it will stay open until whomever rented their VHS copy of “St. Elmo’s Fire” back in 1987 finally returns it.

LaVar Ball says in his prime he could have beaten LeBron James one-on-one. Mostly because in his prime he was 25 years old and James would have then been 8.

Several former NFL stars have joined a professional flag football league. The sad part is the games still have more tackles than when the Jets play the Browns.

Several former NFL stars have joined a professional flag football league. It will be just like the NFL in the fact there is guaranteed to be a flag thrown on every play.

Kyrie Irving previewed new shoes that have cereal logos including Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Lucky Charms and Kix. Fans know it’s only a matter of time before he endorses some Flat Earth high tops.

Paul Ryan says there is “no question” that Russia interfered in U.S. elections. Which is nice for once to have an election that wasn’t decided by Florida or the Supreme Court.

Rand Paul says he is “very worried” about Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. Apparently he doesn’t like his previous record on defending people who solve disputes by tackling their neighbors.

A report says a man was forcibly removed from the joint press conference with Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. Which Republicans are saying it would have been better for them if the person removed from the conference was Donald Trump.

A city council candidate in St. Paul, Minnesota was arrested after posting topless photos of his wife on his campaign website. At least there is one politician who believes in complete transparency.

Donald Trump says he doesn’t see “any reason why Russia would meddle in the 2016 election.” Other than the reason kids smash their neighbors’ mailboxes just to know they can probably get away with it.

Jeff Bezos is the world’s richest man with his net worth topping $150 Billion on Amazon Prime Day. His secret to becoming rich is not spending all his money on cheap crap from Amazon.

Jeff Bezos is the world’s richest man with his net worth topping $150 Billion on Amazon Prime Day. Although once people are done returning the stuff they bought on Amazon Prime Day because it doesn’t work, his fortune will be more like around $12 Million.

The company behind the Kodak-Bitcoin branded cryptocurrency mining scheme confirms it has collapsed. Mostly because everyone under 40 is asking “What’s Kodak?”

The company behind the Kodak-Bitcoin branded cryptocurrency mining scheme confirms it has collapsed. Putting a 20th Century company like Kodak with a 21st Century digital enterprise like Bitcoin is like selling an iPhone that comes with an operator hand crank.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am going to be taking a rare day off and maybe two as I will be traveling and will be pretty tied up through the entire trip. It’s been a long time since I have missed any days other than weekends and holidays, as I really enjoy bringing my services to all of you. I hope you enjoy the efforts and try not to miss me too much. If I get any time at all, I might be able to crank out a few quick ones just out of habit. But just because I am gone for a bit doesn’t mean I would still like it if you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

“Jeopardy!” host Alex Trebek is being sued by a woman who claims his dog made her fall down in the road. She says “I’ll take personal injury lawyers for $500,000!”


Twelve Russians have been indicted for hacking the DNC and Hillary Clinton. To which Hillary says “We would have won if it weren’t for those meddling kids at the Kremlin!”


Washington, D.C. issued warnings for dirty water last week. It’s tough to keep the water clean when the whole city is pretty much one big swamp.


McDonald’s salads in the Midwest are being linked to an intestinal parasite. Although they are still healthier than eating a Super Sized Big Mac Value Meal.


Virgin and Blue Origin are planning to offer space travel flights next year for around $200,000. Although the total cost goes up to around $450,000 with the additional fees for meals, luggage and inflight Wi-Fi.


Missouri’s governor has signed a law banning marriage for 15 year olds. Although some people think it’s a good idea to have an electorate with a spouse and a couple of kids by the time they are 18 and can vote.


Missouri’s governor has signed a law banning marriage for 15 year olds. Although it is still legal in Alabama, as long as they have signed permission from the family member they are marrying.


Scarlett Johansson has pulled out of a movie role where she was set to play a transgender because of Internet backlash. She was originally given the role because producer liked the idea more of hitting on her for sex at the auditions than a bunch of transsexuals.


Thousands marched in Scotland to protest Donald Trump’s visit. Mostly because the World Cup is almost over and the Scottish soccer hooligans are looking for the next reason to brawl.


A Saudi Arabian woman was arrested for hugging a male singer at a concert. It’s so strict there that women aren’t even to throw their burqas at Tom Jones.


A Saudi Arabian woman was arrested for hugging a male singer at a concert. It’s so strict there that any woman closer to the stage than the 6th row is officially labeled a groupie.


The search is on for a paraglider who flew over the Scottish resort where Donald Trump was staying. He flew so close in the restricted airspace that the Scottish Air Force immediately scrambled all their falconers.


The search is on for a paraglider who flew over the Scottish resort where Donald Trump was staying. People weren’t sure if they were more surprised by someone flying in restricted airspace or that there is actually a place labeled both “Scottish” and “resort.”


A Ryanair flight from Ireland to Croatia lost cabin pressure with the crew having to deploy oxygen. Which upset passengers even more when they were charged $40 for the Ryanair fee for inflight O2.


Kevin Anderson is calling for a change in the Grand Slam deciding set format after his Wimbledon semifinal match went six and a half hours. It took so long they almost had to delay the start of next year’s tournament just to get through this one.


Kevin Anderson is calling for a change in the Grand Slam deciding set format after his Wimbledon semifinal match went six and a half hours. One suggestion is that both players finish the final set using badminton racquets and a birdie.


Two men claiming to be the sons of Charles Manson have joined in a fight over his estate. The sad part is the court refused to consider them his sons, instead using the term “spawns.”


Two men claiming to be the sons of Charles Manson have joined in a fight over his estate. There are two people who have no pressure on ending up doing better than their dad.


Two men claiming to be the sons of Charles Manson have joined in a fight over his estate. How much are you in need of some cash to admit to everyone your dad is Charles Manson?


Arizona floods forced some tourists to evacuate. The desert flood waters got so deep they actually rose over the tops of a couple of street curbs.


A team is being sent by Donald Trump to meet with Mexico’s incoming president to try to repair relations. How bad is it that Trump is already at odds with a country’s leader before they even take office?


Police officers in Georgia are being accused of using a coin toss to decide whether to arrest a suspect. Which is still better than the person they shot after doing rock-paper-scissors.


Police officers in Georgia are being accused of using a coin toss to decide whether to arrest a suspect. As opposed to the old days in Georgia when a ride in a Black & White was determined on whether you were black or white.


Digital currency platform Coinbase is exploring adding five new cryptocurrencies. Apparently it’s for people who want to try to lose all their money even faster than they did with Bitcoin.


French President Macron has given the country’s military budget a boost. The word is they will now be able to afford to equip their troops with twice as many white flags.


New York health officials are recommending pot legalization in a report to the governor. It was pretty obvious what their decision was when it came in written on a pile of Zig-Zag papers.


New York health officials are recommending pot legalization in a report to the governor. It was obvious what their decision was going to be since it was originally commissioned back in 1972.


Shared workplace company WeWork says it will no longer expense meals that contain meat. Which is good news for employees who still like to take their lunch break at Taco Bell.


The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is urging automakers to speed up replacement of faulty Takata airbags. And who knows better about annoying airbags more than a government agency?


United has joined other airlines in pitching its credit card to customers. It comes in handy when passengers max out all their other cards paying for luggage, snacks and inflight Wi-Fi fees.


United has joined other airlines in pitching its credit card to customers. Apparently flight attendants are getting pretty aggressive with their tactics, telling fliers the last person who didn’t sign up was the guy they dragged off the plane.


Johnson & Johnson has been ordered to pay $4.7 Billion in a case over baby powder. It was so bad, after the award was announced all the company executives needed a diaper change.


The FDA has approved the first drug treatment for smallpox. Not to say the agency moves slowly, but the patent was originally filed when there were actually still smallpox back in 1785.


The FDA has approved the first drug treatment for smallpox. Now that they are done with that, they can look at treatment for other maladies such as dropsy, consumption and leprosy.


A study says only 17% of U.S. kids are tested to see if they are learning basic skills. Mostly because anymore, a child who can work an iPad and iPhone is pretty much set to make it all the way through school.


A report says 1 in 9 U.S. adults over 45 say they have memory issues. Mostly in forgetting how old they really are when filling out a job application anymore.


A report says 1 in 9 U.S. adults over 45 say they have memory issues. The other 8 are saying “What was the question?”


A study says young women are more likely to become depressed when pregnant than in the past. Although they have no idea the real depression starts when their kid becomes a teenager.


A study says the human brain is as unique as a fingerprint with no two alike. Except in the Kardashian family where everyone’s brain activity test comes back with the exact same flatline.


A study says heart disease in dogs may be tied to certain foods, especially those containing potatoes. Which is bad news as for some reason that is the favorite type mainly for Irish setters.


A study says heart disease in dogs may be tied to certain foods. Especially now that  McDonald’s has gotten into the business with their new Big Mac Kibbles & Bits.


The CDC issues a warning about Kellogg’s Honey Smacks over a salmonella outbreak saying “Do not eat this cereal.” The sad part is once the contamination is over, after looking at the ingredients the CDC may still be warning “Do not eat this cereal.”


The CDC issues a warning about Kellogg’s Honey Smacks over a salmonella outbreak saying “Do not eat this cereal.” It turns out the cereal’s mascot got his nickname “Dig ‘Em” from all the graves he had to prepare.


Harvey Weinstein says he was misquoted over offering movie roles to women for sex. Apparently he just made them think they would get the roles if they had sex with him.


A “Downton Abbey” film is reportedly in the works. It’s the one where moviegoers will leave the theater after 12 hours still wondering who the characters are and what actually happened.


A “Downton Abbey” film is reportedly in the works. People are warned it will be made in England where they consider it entertainment to watch a four hour soccer match ending in a 0-0 tie.


Niecy Nash was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Apparently they are giving out stars now to anyone who actually strolls all the way down the entire distance of the Walk.


Lady Gaga is reportedly starting her own cosmetics company. Her first products will be for people who wear her line of meat dresses and need charcoal briquette mascara, barbecue sauce blush and Worcestershire bronzer.


Magic Johnson says LeBron James will have a say on personnel moves with the Lakers. A player making front office decisions? Who does he think he is, Magic Johnson?


Magic Johnson revealed details of the meeting which sealed LeBron James becoming a Laker. Apparently it was that moment when he mentioned something about 4 years for $154 Million.


Jaylen Brown says about the NBA’s One and Done Rule, if a person can serve in the military at 18 they should be able to play in the NBA. Especially if it involves getting combat experience for anyone having to make it to the arena for a game in Detroit.


Some fans took offense at the Montgomery Biscuits minor league baseball promotion for Millennial Night. Which is no big deal as most people under 30 are asking “What’s baseball?”


LeBron James’ agent says his move to L.A. was a “basketball decision” based on “what made him happy.” Which turns out is pretty much living anywhere besides Cleveland.


John Isner was praised for signing autographs after losing a six and a half hour long semifinal match at Wimbledon. Although it turns out he didn’t realize he was signing souvenirs, he thought he was approving an extension because the match caused him to overstay his visa.


Senator Joe Manchin told Senator Chuck Schumer to “kiss my you know what” over the vote on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. Which is refreshing to hear a politician say those words to another politician for once instead of their constituents.


The cleanup of Mike Pence’s family’s gas stations will reportedly cost taxpayers millions of dollars. At least now Donald Trump has someone on staff who is qualified to take over for Scott Pruitt.


A new LG smartphone will come with five cameras. Mostly so they can claim to be the only one that can get the entire backside of Kim Kardashian in one photo.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just a quick warning to those of you who check this out every day. I will be heading out of town for a couple of days so I may have just a few jokes and possibly not any on Wednesday and Thursday. Try not to cheer too loudly over that. I will do my best but no guarantees. It is a very rare occurrence when I can’t get at least a few jokes out for your comedy fix. Which many of you are saying “Jokes?” So while I am gone, please don’t use that as an excuse to avoid remembering to always keep on sending the love!