Sunday, January 22, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!T

Donald Trump set a record for the most prayers said during his Inauguration ceremonies. And that doesn’t even include the ones said at home by the millions of Americans watching that they make it through the next four years.

The official White House website has deleted pages with information about civil rights, LGBT rights, health care and climate change. Those were removed while the Administration is still working on wiping clean any references to the Constitution.

Larry King says his private vehicle was damaged by protesters during the Inauguration ceremonies. Now who would actually go and vandalize an ambulance?

A YMCA in Indiana has switched channels on their TV from the usual CNN because of “fake news.” Instead, being the YMCA they decided to just broadcast videos and performances of the Village People.

A YMCA in Indiana has switched channels on their TV from the usual CNN because of “fake news.” Also because most people using the “Y” were more interested in catching the latest episode of “Dance Moms.”

Researchers as Northwestern University have created Artificial Intelligence that outperforms the average American adult on a standard IQ test. Which isn’t saying much as the average American hasn’t been able to get to the third level on “Simon” since 1978.

Researchers as Northwestern University have created Artificial Intelligence that outperforms the average American adult on a standard IQ test. Which is no surprise as most American adults still can’t find Canada on a world map.

Jay Z’s music streaming service Tidal is being accused of inflating its numbers. To which CNN immediately started calling and asking how to do that.

French presidential candidate Marine Le Pen says “patriotism is the policy of the future.” It’s too bad she couldn’t make it an alliterative slogan for the French and include “politeness” and “personal hygiene.”

A report says Spain is seeing 500 southern border crossing attempts in a month. Or as the U.S. and Mexico Border Patrol agents call that, “Tuesday morning.”

Turkish leader Recep Erdogan is campaigning for constitutional reform that would increase his power. To which Donald Trump would like the same thing, only his method is to take a page from Nike and “Just do it.”

A poll says 28% of federal employees are considering quitting their jobs under President Trump. The other 72% have thought about it but are appalled at the thought of being hired at a place that expects them to do any work.

A poll says 28% of federal employees are considering quitting their jobs under President Trump. Which is a good thing as that is exactly the same number of federal workers Trump is planning to replace with a member of his family.

The Trump Administration is planning on continuing the transparency policy of releasing White House visitor records. Although Trump will sidestep part of the policy by giving Vladimir Putin his own key.

Real estate site Zillow says the White House if put on the market would have a value of $400 Million. It would be worth more but its location puts it in a bad neighborhood near Congress and the K Street lobbyists.

Banana wine from Rwanda will soon be available in the U.S. Which means for the first time it won’t just be the peel from a banana that will be responsible for making people fall down.

Uber has added a color coded system to help riders find their car in a crowded place or at night. Which now is usually done by just searching for the smug-looking college student driving a Prius.

Regent Seven Seas has announced a 128 cruise around the world that will cost $55,000. People can always do the same trip on Carnival for much less, as long as they don’t mind spending the final 121 days adrift on a life boat.

Samsung is blaming battery size for its Galaxy Note 7 phone fires. Apparently the problem was the batteries were just the right size to be able to fit inside the phone where they could then explode.

A report says several WNBA players are starting to invest in the food industry. Mostly because of the experience they have been getting working the hot dog stands at their venues before and after games and during halftime.

Walgreen’s will pay $50 Million to settle a claim that they gave illegal kickbacks. Apparently they were careless in making the kickbacks before making sure they also cleared it in advance with some bribes to their members of Congress.

The federal government says student loan collector Navient bilked borrowers out of $4 Billion. To which the students say they really don’t mind because it was less than what they were being swindled for by the college tuition offices.

A study says using sunscreen is better than sitting under an umbrella at the beach. Which brings up the point if you spend the entire time under an umbrella, why not just sit in the car in the parking lot and look out the window?

A study says using sunscreen is better than sitting under an umbrella at the beach. Although the best way to completely avoid the Sun’s rays is to just sit in the shade created by locating right next to the group of tourists from Canada.

A study says many women with eating disorders do eventually recover. Which gives them the chance to live their life like everyone else around them by ending up morbidly obese.

A study says childhood asthma may lead to obesity. Although both afflictions together may be a sign that the child really needs to literally stop inhaling their food.

A study says gun violence keeps rising in PG 13 movies. People were surprised at the news. There are moviegoers who still buy tickets to PG 13 films?

A study says gun violence keeps rising in PG 13 movies. Apparently it is a lot easier for screenwriters today than actually having to fill the time with dialogue.

A study says gun violence keeps rising in PG 13 movies. Mostly for the directors who know that if they replace the killings with sex, it will mean the film will end up with an R rating.

A study says gun violence keeps rising in PG 13 movies. Which is done as a courtesy to patrons at multiplexes as it masks the noise from the real shootings going on in the other nearby theaters.

A study says 17 Million Americans have tough to detect High Blood Pressure that doesn’t show up at the doctor’s office. Mostly because their blood pressure doesn’t skyrocket until they get home and open their medical bills.

A study says screen time may not be so bad for teenagers after all. Especially the ones who can use their smartphones, tablets and computers to socialize with others without the fear of ending up walking around the rest of the day with a wedgie.

Researchers say it is possible for people to train themselves to need less sleep. It’s called having kids.

Researchers say it is possible for people to train themselves to need less sleep. Which is easy to do when people know they have to get up early in time to be able to work at all three jobs they need to make ends meet.

Prince William and Duchess Kate are moving back to London. Apparently with their children nearing school age, they feel being closer to their school of choice will make mornings a lot easier on their staff of seven nannies.

Prince William and Duchess Kate are moving back to London. With Queen Elizabeth II 90 years old and becoming increasingly sick, William wants to be able to race to the throne faster than his dad Prince Charles the minute it becomes open.

Pioneering movie stuntwoman Paula Dell has died at age 90. Her last gig was the woman who takes a spill and says “I’ve fallen…and I can’t get up!”

The premier of the movie “A Dog’s Purpose” has been canceled because of furor over a video showing possible animal abuse during the filming. Which is a real disappointment for the movie’s cast who were excited about being able to walk down the yellow carpet.

The independent Spring League has invited former NFL players Johnny Manziel, Ray Rice and Vince Young to participate. The only problem is making sure there is enough room on the sidelines for their rehab doctors, parole officers and debt consultants.

The independent Spring League has invited former NFL players Johnny Manziel, Ray Rice and Vince Young to participate. That’s good news for Aaron Hernandez as long as the league is still around in 2085 when he is eligible for parole.

An assistant coach for the Washington Wizards was fined $5,000 for distracting a Knicks player while he was shooting. The only question is, why didn’t the coach realize with the Knicks that really isn’t necessary?

An assistant coach for the Washington Wizards was fined $5,000 for distracting a Knicks player while he was shooting. Apparently he was out on the floor yelling “Noonan…Noonan!!”

An assistant coach for the Washington Wizards was fined $5,000 for distracting a Knicks player while he was shooting. Which means that Little Leaguers may be in danger of losing their after game snack money if they keep yelling “Hey, batter batter swing!”

The NFL and several owners are reportedly upset about the Chargers moving to Los Angeles. Mostly because now visiting teams will have to drive more than two hours to be able to buy all the good drugs in Tijuana.

Microsoft says it will lay off 700 people. Apparently since they started shutting down Windows 7 they don’t need half their phone and online tech support people on call to handle all the problems.

Researchers are looking to use people’s heartbeats as their password to access medical records. The only problem is when they are trying to get into the system while they are having a heart attack and the system keeps telling them “Access denied…not a valid password.”

Researchers are looking to use people’s heartbeats as their password to access medical records. Which would be a problem for people like Dick Cheney who would have to wait up to six days just for his heart to actually beat once.

China has responded to a computer chip battle with the U.S. by building a $30 Billion factory. They might beat us with computer chips, but they will never outdo American when it comes to consuming Doritos, Cheetos and Pringles.

The Trump Administration ordered the National Parks Service to halt all tweets after it retweeted a picture showing a low turnout at the Inauguration. Apparently Trump doesn’t want agencies just sending out tweets irresponsibly about whatever they want whenever they want.

The Trump Administration ordered the National Park Service to halt all tweets after it retweeted a picture showing a low turnout at the Inauguration. Apparently the only tweets they are allowed to send now are the ones from the birds that happen to be in any National Park trees.

It turns out that Donald Trump didn’t write his own Inauguration Address as he posted on social media with a picture of himself with a pad of paper and Sharpie. Apparently the first clue was trying to get people to believe he wrote something that wasn’t done with a smartphone using no more than 140 characters.

Donald Trump is starting his presidency with the smallest confirmed Cabinet in decades. And that is even including the Clinton Cabinet that had 4’11” Robert Reich.

A petition urging Donald Trump to release his tax returns now has more than 100,000 signatures. The only problem for people signing up is not only will the action not result in Trump releasing his returns, it just put them all on a mailing list for Trump University, Trump Steaks and Trump Vodka.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, we now have President Trump. And we are all still here. At least those of us who haven’t moved to Canada in the past couple of days. It looks like it is going to be a fun four years, as President Trump’s Press Secretary already picked a fight with the media over Inauguration crowd estimates. Just wait until they start asking about the Wall, deficits and health care. As they say, buckle up. It could be a rough ride. Which always becomes much easier when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



Friday, January 20, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The U.S. Post Office is raising the price of its forever stamps. It was either that or deciding if the stamps were no longer good forever and having to pick if they were valid for an epoch, era or eon.

CNN is looking for a reporter to cover “fake news” stories and where they originate. Which means the new hire will walk around the newsroom and ask the other CNN reporters what they are covering that day.

A Michigan man was arrested for DUI after already being convicted 13 other times, Even Lindsay Lohan is telling the guy to take a cab next time.

A report says more parents are using hypnosis to help their children in school and sports. If anyone really wants to see their kid go into a hypnotic trance, just let them sit down with an iPad for a couple of hours.

A Pennsylvania college is offering a course asking “Is God A White Supremacist?” To which Donald Trump is saying contrary to popular belief, no he is not.

A Pennsylvania college is offering a course asking “Is God A White Supremacist?” Apparently the answer is that if he is not, why did He arrange it so that Mel Gibson could shoot “The Passion of the Christ” about his Son?

A study in Finland says sweating in a sauna is good for the health of the brain. Which is good news for the mental state of Health Secretary nominee Tom Price after going through his congressional confirmation hearing.

Donald Trump is reportedly picking New York Jets owner Woody Johnson as his ambassador to the United Kingdom. To which George W. Bush says he hopes he will be picked as ambassador to the Magic Kingdom.

Donald Trump is reportedly picking New York Jets owner Woody Johnson as his ambassador to the United Kingdom. Apparently he wants him to go there and fix the crazy times they schedule the NFL games played in London.

Rick Perry says he “regrets” calling for the closing of the Energy Department he is now nominated to head. Most people aren’t as concerned about that as they are waiting for him to say he regrets appearing on “Dancing With The Stars.”

A competitor to the EpiPen allergy remedy will reportedly be on the market soon. The fear is that if the price is low enough, it could cause the CEO of Mylan to go into anaphylactic shock.

Treasury Secretary nominee Steve Mnuchin admits his bank foreclosed on the Octomom. Which is nice to admit to a congressional panel while seeking confirmation that you threw eight kids out on the street at the same time.

The St. Louis Public Library computers have reportedly been hacked for ransom. Which is only a big deal to the homeless people who come in to use them to access online porn sites anyway.

The St. Louis Public Library computers have reportedly been hacked for ransom. Which means if they aren’t back up and working in the next six weeks, they will have to use their backup manual system to help that one person check out a book.

Treasury Secretary nominee Steve Mnuchin says he wants to raise the debt ceiling “sooner than later.” So much for the new administration even pretending to come in trying to balance the budget.

Treasury Secretary nominee Steve Mnuchin says he wants to raise the debt ceiling “sooner than later.” Although honestly, once the national debt has hit $20 Trillion do we even need to pretend we will ever actually try to pay it off?

Treasury Secretary nominee Steve Mnuchin says it was an “oversight” he forgot to disclose he has $100 Million in assets in an offshore Cayman Islands account. What’s the big deal? If you are overseeing a $20 Trillion debt, you are bound to misplace a few hundred million dollars here or there.

McDonald’s has introduced different sizes of the Big Mac, the smaller Mac Jr. and larger Grand Mac. The Mac Jr. will help in clogging up the smaller capillaries while the Grand Mac is for those who want to go straight to obstructing major arteries.

McDonald’s has introduced different sizes of the Big Mac, the smaller Mac Jr. and larger Grand Mac. It’s for people who like to make the decision whether they are going for Diabetes Type 2, a heart attack or stroke.

The latest round of recalls for Takata airbags includes 652,000 more vehicles. Ironically, during criminal investigations of the company, when top executives are asked how this happened that is the one thing they say they can’t recall.

Germany is about to become the latest country to legalize medical marijuana. It’s a good thing they are waiting until now to do it. If pot had been legalized back in 1989 they would still be working on when they would start tearing down the Berlin Wall.

A study says cutting back on calories could extend the life of a person by 18 years. So who wants to live another 18 years sitting down to the same dinner every night of tofu and Brussels sprouts?

Atlanta Falcons guard Andy Levitre’s wife attended last week’s playoff game while in labor. The only problem is now the league’s lawyers are wondering if that type of labor falls under the latest collective bargaining agreement.

A new species of moth has been named for President Donald Trump. Apparently scientists felt it was appropriate to name an insect that eats wool after the man who is pulling it over everyone’s eyes.

A study says 1 in 5 trauma patients in Chicago is treated at an ill-equipped hospital. Mostly because with more than 800 homicides this year it’s not like many of them have a chance at surviving their attack in the first place.

A study says 1 in 5 trauma patients in Chicago is treated at an ill-equipped hospital. Doctors figure if the other 4 survived long enough to make it to the ER they can get by with a band aid, aspirin and set of Rosary beads.

Some states are pushing for cost-free vasectomies for men. Which is not to be confused when governments say they are going to have to find ways to take health care and make some cuts.

“Flip or Flop” star Tarek El Moussa is slamming what he calls “lies” and “fake news” about his split from his wife. Which most people agree, saying how can something be fake news if it doesn’t actually qualify as being called news in the first place?

The movie “A Dog’s Purpose” is under fire for video showing apparent animal cruelty during the filming. Which shows that in Hollywood, a dog’s purpose is the same as that of a human. Make the movie studio more profits.

The movie “A Dog’s Purpose” is under fire for video showing apparent animal cruelty during the filming. Apparently a dog used in the production was seen being forced by its owner to watch an Adam Sandler film.

Alanis Morissette's former manager has admitted he embezzled $4.8 Million from the singer. People were shocked. How did Alanis Morissette end up with nearly $5 Million?

Alanis Morissette’s former manager has admitted he embezzled $4.8 Million from the singer. Now isn’t that ironic?

Judge Reinhold has pleaded no contest to a TSA meltdown in Dallas. He was hoping for leniency from the court as he saw the person presiding over the case and he have the same first name.

Woody Harrelson is getting help from Willie Nelson on a film project he is working on in London. The only problem is that there is enough weed being smoked between those two to push the projected premier date for the movie back to 2035.

The Raiders have filed paperwork for their planned relocation to Las Vegas. The only problem will be moving to a city that could be flagged 24/7 for excessive celebration.

Protesters are planning on taking down the website Whitehouse.gov to protest Donald Trump’s Inauguration. Although they may be beat by Russian hackers working on orders from Vladimir Putin who doesn’t want to see Trump getting more airtime than him.

Protesters are planning on taking down the website Whitehouse.gov to protest Donald Trump’s Inauguration. If they really want to shake up the White House they will try to instead hack into and disable Trump’s Twitter account.

The Chinese are planning on building a “super, super” computer than can perform a “billion billion” calculations a second. Like with their panda bears, is there anything the Chinese can do without using the same word twice?

The Chinese are planning on building a “super, super” computer than can perform a “billion billion” calculations a second. Which is still only about half the speed that Donald Trump can send out the same number of tweets.

Facebook is fighting against potential hate speech fines in Germany. Which is hard to imagine being penalized for that in a country that has a language that makes singing “Happy Birthday” sound like hate speech.

A newly discovered asteroid has been named for Wil Wheaton of “Star Trek.” Which is not to be confused with the hemorrhoid named after William Shatner.

USA Today will livestream Donald Trump’s Inauguration in Virtual Reality. And what better way to describe the incoming Trump Administration as some other kind of reality?

A robot reporter got its first article published in a Chinese newspaper, writing a 300 character long report in one second. One and a half if you include the extra time it took for spellcheck and editing.

A robot reporter got its first article published in a Chinese newspaper, writing a 300 character long report in one second. To which CNN is saying “Yeah, but how long does it take it to make up and write a convincing fake news story?”

A study says adult dog owners post pictures or talk about their dogs six times a week. Which is still better than the non-pet owners who post selfies and show pictures of what they ate for breakfast seven times a week.

A study says 1 in 10 dog owners crate a separate social media account for their pet. The sad part is having to explain to their female dog she was unfriended for being a bitch.

Data says that January is the busiest time of year for dating sites. Especially for women whose current boyfriend bought them a vacuum cleaner for Christmas.

At a candlelight dinner, Donald Trump proclaimed the election as a “victory for all of us.” At least for the people in attendance who could afford the $150,000 per plate admission fee.

At a candlelight dinner, Donald Trump proclaimed the election as a “victory for all of us.” Well, at least for the almost half of American voters who actually cast their ballot for him.

Donald Trump has decided to give up his personal cellphone as President. Which without his ability to send out tweets at any given time is just one more step towards world peace.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As of this writing, we are still under the administration of Barack Obama. I am going to miss him. I think he came in and did a pretty good job with what he was left with when he took over the White House. However, he was nowhere near the comedy gold mine of who is replacing him. I hope Donald Trump makes a good President and leads us in the right direction, although I am not holding my breath. Sometimes it is good to be wrong and this would be that time. So let’s just get on with it, hope for the best and at least know that for the next four years there will be plenty of material to keep this blog going. All you need to do is remember to always keep on sending the love!


Thursday, January 19, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says President Obama signed just 1,227 bills into law in his eight years, lower than even most one term presidents. Although the real surprising news is that Congress could vote on that many bills on their two day a week work schedule.

A report says President Obama signed just 1,227 bills into law in his eight years, lower than even most one term presidents. Although Congress was no help. In fact, the Senate called a special session to try and filibuster the report.

South Korea is developing a public transportation train that travels 620 miles an hour. Meanwhile, across the border in North Korea officials have also increased the speed of public transportation, telling people to “walk faster.”

China has ordered weather forecasters to stop issuing smog alerts. Apparently the new meteorological term will be “brown sunshine.”

Russia is claiming the UK, Germany, and France grossly interfered in the U.S. election. Which means everyone had a hand in the election except the American voters who were supposed to go to the polls and make an intelligent choice.

Wells Fargo has bought a Pittsburgh mall for $100. The good news is that they will get a refund if within 30 days they can find another mall for sale for a lesser value.

A CIA file says the intelligence organization carried out psychic experiments in the 1970s with Uri Geller to predict what people were drawing in the next room. Which is nice to know our top spy group’s main source for intel was the National Enquirer.

A CIA file says the intelligence organization carried out psychic experiments in the 1970s with Uri Geller to predict what people were drawing in the next room. The experiments cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, mostly for all the utensils in the employee break room that had to be replaced after being bent in half.

Scientists say technology may allow them to bring back the extinct Caspian tiger. After that there will be an even bigger challenge to try to bring back another lost Tiger. Woods.

Donald Trump says he will pick the media representatives who have access to the White House press briefing room. In other words, it means 1600 Pennsylvania will be the mailing address for the new headquarters of Fox News.

A video shows an Ohio lawyer hypnotizing a woman for sex. The worst part is that he got her to show up at his office by telling her he needed to show her some briefs.

A video shows an Ohio lawyer hypnotizing a woman for sex. Whatever happened to being a gentleman and at least forking out a few bucks to buy her a drink first?

Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen says the Fed is close to achieving their economic goals. The question is why is their goal to keep us in a permanent state of recession?

A Guantanamo captive who wants to open a pizzeria in Algiers has lost a bid to be released before Donald Trump becomes President. Apparently officials were worried he was planning to continue his terrorist ways by killing people with a diet high in carbohydrates.

The Trump transition team says Donald Trump is writing his own inauguration speech. Which shouldn’t be hard since he doesn’t ever deal with anything that requires more than 140 characters.

Donald Trump is reportedly writing his own inauguration speech. Which will be interesting to hear him actually address something other than John Lewis, CNN and “Saturday Night Live.”

Kosovo has created a panel to measure its territory to make sure they haven’t lost land to neighboring Montenegro. If the issue is not solved, it could result in conflict, especially when Montenegro demands Kosovo take back their land.

Data from NASA says 2016 is likely the warmest year ever. Which could be an anomaly attributed to the fact the year was heated by speeches from all 19 candidates who started the year running for President.

Data from NASA says 2016 is likely the warmest year ever. And we just elected an administration whose answer to that is “Nuh-uh.”

An Egyptian soccer star has been placed on the terrorist no-fly list. Which is going to be tough for the country’s airlines who now have to drum up all their business from the three people who have still managed to stay off the list.

An Egyptian soccer star has been placed on the terrorist no-fly list. Mostly out of fear he would keep others from flying because travelers would be afraid to be seated next to him and have to watch replays of all his soccer matches.

American Airlines is going to start selling restricted “basic economy” tickets with absolutely no frills on flights. Or as that is called at United, “First Class.”

American Airlines is going to start selling restricted “basic economy” tickets with absolutely no frills on flights. The good news is that frequent fliers with the airline can just consider it an upgrade from “cargo.”

Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen says the U.S. is near “maximum employment. Which means that only half of Americans are working, but that is the maximum number who will ever be able to find a job.

A survey says that most drivers with ride sharing services Uber and Lyft are 51 or older. Which means the Millennials who most often use the service can continue to experience what it’s like to have to ask their parents for a ride.

A survey says that Republican men think it is easier to be a woman than a man. Which is possibly why Caitlyn Jenner was so eager to campaign for Donald Trump.

A survey says that Republican men think it is easier to be a woman than a man. Conservatives think women should be at home and not in the workplace. Which is why they worked hard to make sure that is where Hillary Clinton will be the next four years.

Donald Trump has made a $25 Million payment in a settlement over Trump University. The good news for Trump is that amounted to the total tuition fees from three students.

Donald Trump has made a $25 Million payment in a settlement over Trump University. Not to say the university was a scam, but it finally explains why he nominated as Education Secretary a member of the family that started Amway.

The CFPB is suing student loan company Navient for cheating borrowers. Navient says ripping off the students was a favor that should just be considered a lesson in life they would never have been taught as part of their course work.

A report says Millennials may need to double their retirement savings rate. Mostly because only finding minimum wage jobs with even a college degree means their average 401(k) account is so far up to $37.

A study says short exercise sessions may be more beneficial. Although that doesn’t count the short exercise sessions most people partake in when they use commercial breaks to run from the couch to the refrigerator and back.

The FDA is warning about a skin cancer cream that has killed five dogs. Which means those dogs could have been saved if they had only remembered to wear a hat outside.

A study says too much sitting can age a person another eight years. Especially if the person is sitting down in front of a computer while they are reading the latest tweets from Donald Trump.

A study says too much sitting can age a person another eight years. What’s worse is they get even older when their doctor tells them the bad news and suggests they sit down first.

A study says texting while exercising can worsen a person’s balance by 45%. The only question is how?

A study says texting while exercising can worsen a person’s balance by 45%. Which is not to be confused by how much Donald Trump’s Twitter rants make him appear completely unbalanced.

A report says 1 in 10 people seeking plastic surgery have a mental illness that distorts their perception of physical defects. That’s good news for 27 other people who had plastic surgery who are normal when you include Michael Jackson, Cher and Kenny Rogers.

A study says that people who take selfies are not necessarily narcissists. But it helps.

A study says that people who take selfies are not necessarily narcissists. If they were, each tweet from Donald Trump would be accompanied by a picture he snapped of himself.

A study says that developing high blood pressure in old age may provide some protection from dementia. Which will be going up even higher when this Congress starts making more threats about cutting Social Security and Medicare.

Patrick Stewart will be voicing the “poop” emoji in the upcoming “The Emoji Movie.” The only problem is that when he starts ad libbing it will be considered a literal case of diarrhea of the mouth.

Patrick Stewart will be voicing the “poop” emoji in the upcoming “The Emoji Movie.” Apparently he had to get in top physical shape for the role, which included hours of squats.

Lady Gaga says she has been planning for her Super Bowl Halftime Show since she was 4. The only problem is that her music set will include “The Wheels on the Bus,” “Three Blind Mice” and “”Itsy Bitsy Spider.”

Robbers stole $16 Million in jewels from a Harry Winston store in Cannes, France. It was the biggest theft at Cannes since they charged money to attend the showing of “Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.”

Robbers stole $16 Million in jewels from a Harry Winston store in Cannes, France. Which was a real insult to Kim Kardashian as apparently the thieves were stealing her trinkets as a practice run for the real thing.

The NFL is denying a report that they told Lady Gaga to avoid politics during her Super Bowl Halftime Show. An easier way to avoid politics is by making sure the Washington Redskins don’t have a team that can get anywhere near the playoffs.

Ariana Grande sent a tweet praising herself for being the “hardest working 23 year old on Earth.” At least next to that person she used to hire to carry her around whenever she got too tired from singing.

Ariana Grande sent a tweet praising herself for being the “hardest working 23 year old on Earth.” People were surprised. The person who wrote that is older than 14?

Former Detroit Lions defensive back Stanley Wilson II was arrested for a second time while naked. Apparently it was too embarrassing to go out in public and be seen wearing a Lions uniform.

The University of Oregon has suspended their strength coach in the wake of several players being hospitalized. The good news is that the players are expected to recover and will be transferred over to the school’s Ultimate Frisbee team.

A report says fraud with online holiday sales spiked 31% last year. Mostly from people sending gifts to relatives where they really didn’t mean it when they said “Merry Christmas.”

Google Maps will soon include a feature showing how hard it will be to park after arriving at the destination. Which means after parking five miles away from where people are going, they can download the Uber app to finish the trip.

Hacking group Anonymous told Donald Trump he will “regret” the next four years. Although not as much as the people who are still paying off their tuition from the four years they wasted taking classes at Trump University.

Hacking group Anonymous told Donald Trump he will “regret” the next four years. This is not going to threaten a man who has paraded himself around in public the past 40 years and still won’t apologize for that haircut.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tomorrow is the Inauguration of President Donald Trump. I never thought I would write those words in this part of the blog. It just seems like too obvious of a set up. Well, how hard can it be for all of us to just hold our noses for four years? I am just hoping for the best and lying to myself about being able to hope for the best. But, you can make things better when you remember to always keep on sending the love!