Friday, May 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A man stripped naked at the Charlotte Airport when he found out his flight to Jamaica was overbooked. It was either that or he finally found a way to figure out how to avoid paying a fee for his luggage.

A man stripped naked at the Charlotte Airport when he found out his flight to Jamaica was overbooked. Apparently he was determined that at the end of the day, if he was on a Jamaican beach or anywhere else he would not be wearing any clothes.

Donald Trump talked of his plans to run for President, saying the nation is “a hellhole.” So who would be better to lead a country that needs to start over than someone who has had his TV series canceled, been through four bankruptcies and is on his third marriage?

A reports says 82 apartments in New York City were renting for $50,000 or more a month so far this year. Which is way too much for most people who know that half of that will get you a double door Amana refrigerator box on the Upper East Side.

A study says the gap between the rich and poor in advanced economies is at record levels. The good news is that all it takes anymore to get into the upper class is to not have had a foreclosure, bankruptcy or been laid off in the past eight years.

A study says that dogs have been man’s best friend for the past 40,000 years. It hasn’t changed since the invention of the wheel when man could first ask dogs if they wanted to go for a ride.

A report says more people are complaining that Wi-Fi makes them feel ill. Especially people who use a wireless Internet connection to log on to Youtube and watch Justin Bieber videos.

A poll says that 61% of U.S. voters expect biased coverage of the 2016 presidential race. Which is no big deal as no one is paying attention since it is not even halfway through 2015 yet.

TV’s Dr. Oz reportedly helped a woman who collapsed in a Florida mall. Ironically, she became ill after using one of the fake remedies he advertises on his show.

U.S. Capitol Police will go through special instruction after three officers accidentally left their loaded guns in bathrooms. The bad part is telling uniformed officers they have been temporarily reassigned to potty training.

A list of the top ten beaches in the U.S. includes Coast Guard Beach in Massachusetts. The only problem is timing which three days out of the year it is warm enough there to actually go into the water.

The annual list of the top ten beaches in the U.S. came out this week. While no New Jersey beaches made the grade, they did get an honorable mention for the best place for people with no health insurance to get the prescription medication they can’t currently afford by stepping on a discarded needle.

David Letterman’s last show was seen by 13.7 Million people, which was less than Jay Leno’s 14.6 Million viewer finale. Not to say those two dislike each other, but they have already arranged to have a counter at their future gravesites to see who gets the most visitors.

A report says that Americans are spending more money, just not on things they want. Which is unfortunate for so many that things like food and rent still come before the boat, country club membership and Rolex.

Scrabble came out with a new guide that allows “lol,” “ridic” and “sexting” as acceptable words. Although anyone who uses the terms lol, ridic and sexting has never gotten within ten feet of a Scrabble board.

A survey says that people living in high rent areas like San Francisco, Washington, D.C. and New York City say it is worth it and are happier than people in lower rent cities like Milwaukee, Albuquerque and Detroit. Mostly because when they wake up every morning they realize they aren’t in Milwaukee, Albuquerque or Detroit.

A report says that three of the nine stocks that rallied back the most from 2009 make underwear. Mostly because they are selling a lot of their product to everyone else who was in the market then and lost their shirt.

China’s wealthiest man reportedly lost half his fortune, $15 Billion in a half hour. That will be the last time he decides to take some of his money and loan it to the U.S.

A Tennessee high school student who was accepted at all eight Ivy League schools turned them down to attend the University of Alabama. Apparently he wants to be a dentist so he figures if he wants to get some coal the best place to go is right into the mine.

A Tennessee high school student who was accepted at all eight Ivy League schools turned them down to attend the University of Alabama. Mostly because he knows that having a high school diploma along with an SAT score of more than 350 crowns him class valedictorian by default.

A report says the Takata air bag recall could take five years to complete. In the meantime customers probably won’t be happy with the temporary fix that gives the driver a straw to blow into to inflate the bags when they see a crash coming.

A report says the Takata air bag recall could take five years to complete. Which doesn’t do much good for people who own Chryslers with the airbags as the cars won’t be roadworthy after they make it past three years anyway.

Mars and Hershey candy companies are set to offer snack bars for health-conscious consumers. When told about the plan for healthier snacks from the two companies, most health experts just snickered.

CVS says it will buy drug distributor Omnicare for $10.4 Billion. Although it will actually be more than that as the final price doesn’t include their annual deductible and copay.

Playboy has introduced an app they say is safe for work. Mostly because anyone who still remembers Playboy magazine was already eligible for retirement back in 1983.

A study says that one in five Millennials says they have been depressed on the job. The other four will get to experience that once they finally leave their parents’ basement and try to actually get into the workforce.

A study says that men who drink more caffeine have a lower risk of developing erectile dysfunction. Especially the men who use coffee, soda and energy drinks to wash down their Viagra pills.

An 86 year old California man with demential survived walking around the Mojave Desert after getting lost while on vacation with his family. People were amazed. Who calls it a vacation to take an 86 year old man into the desert?

A study says that skipping meals may increase belly fat. The study uses the term “may” as they have not found any Americans in the past 20 years who have actually skipped a meal.

A study says that 4.3 Million Americans with a full time job suffer from an anxiety disorder. People were surprised at the news. There are 4.3 Million people in the U.S. who still have a full time job?

A study says that 4.3 Million Americans with a full time job suffer from an anxiety disorder. Mostly from worrying every day if they will become a part of the 93 Million Americans who are out of work.

A study says that the average American gets 61% of their calories from highly processed foods. The other 39% of calories come from the fat, salt and sugar we put on those foods to make them taste better.

A study says that cold weather is more deadly than heat. Which means Fox News will finally admit that global warming is real, but now it is something that is actually good for all of us.

A study says that cold weather is more deadly than heat. Apparently the study took into consideration that the average age in Florida is 53 years older than it is in North Dakota.

A report says the California drought is making for a much worse allergy season there. Especially for people who break out in hives when they see their monthly water bill has tripled again.

A study says that single motherhood is tied to poorer health later in life. Mostly from the stress from raising all the grandchildren now that their kids have followed mom’s lead and have all become single parents.

“Real Housewives of Orange County” cast member Tamra Judge says she has had five boob jobs. To which most people watching the show are asking why a woman would want five boobs?

“Real Housewives of Orange County” cast member Tamra Judge says she has had five boob jobs. Or as that is called in Hollywood, “the natural look.”

Elton John attended his 57th reunion of his grammar school class. Although many of the other classmates feel a bit cheated when they show up because when John commits to show up, the event is advertised to be attended by the Queen.

Golf writer Dan Jenkins says that Tiger Woods’ major championships don’t mean that much since he beat a bunch of “nobodies” to win them. Which is true only because they used to be somebodies but became nobodies when he started winning major championships by 15 shots.

Golf writer Dan Jenkins says that Tiger Woods’ major championships don’t mean that much since he beat a bunch of “nobodies” to win them. Which was probably upsetting to all those golfers who read the article by a golf writer while they were flying in their private jets to their Florida mansions to pack for their vacation in Monaco.

Milwaukee Brewers relief pitcher Will Smith was ejected from a game for having pine tar on his arm. The only reasons for him to have pine tar on his arm was to doctor the baseball or he didn’t have time to shower after his date with Paris Hilton the night before.

Liquor bottles are now coming with LED message boards that will display personal messages programmed by an app. The most popular message so far is “This was a lot smoother going down than it is coming back up.”

A rapping computer uses an algorithm to generate rap lyrics. Which isn’t all that hard when you realize most rap songs consist of the singer’s name, their home town and 87 different obscenities.

HP’s second quarter profit was down 21%. Computer industry experts were surprised. HP is still making a profit?

A poll says that Hillary Clinton is at her lowest favorability rating in the past seven years. Although as she already knows, the best way to get your favorability ratings to crash is to spend eight years in the White House.

The Clinton Foundation has disclosed it has received another $26 Million in additional undisclosed donations. Which were made public when George Stephanopoulos revealed the latest statement from his checking account.

Rick Santorum says the Fox News debate rules are arbitrary and unfair to voters. Which to be fair is pretty much just keeping in line with their prime time programming.

Osama bin Laden was reportedly considering leaving his compound in Pakistan. Apparently he got tired of living in a man cave and wanted to go back to the good old days when he was just a man living in a cave.

That’s it for now, Oh faithful Readers! This weekend is Memorial Day, the day we set aside to honor all those who died while trying to race down the highway and beat everyone else to their destination for a three day weekend. And the soldiers who died defending those peoples’ right to drive in excess of 85 mph. I am planning on enjoying the holiday weekend by taking off Monday, so my next batch of stale jokes will be here Tuesday. I hope you all have a great holiday weekend, and take the time to remember those who died fighting for our freedom to write mediocre humor. And while you are at it, don’t forget to take the time to also remember to send the love!

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Oregon is planning to test a pay-per-mile idea program instead of a gasoline tax. If they really want to raise money there, the best solution would be a pay-per-step plan for every pair of Birkenstocks.

A report says that 32 states are facing a budget crisis this year. The other 18 states aren’t worrying about it as they are now pretty much just ready to declare bankruptcy.

A survey says that 40% of unemployed people in the U.S. have given up looking for work. The other 60% will at least pretend to be trying as long as they are eligible for unemployment benefits.

A survey says that 40% of unemployed people in the U.S. have given up looking for work. Apparently there are only so many times a person can get a rejection from 7-Eleven, Wal-Mart and McDonald’s before they decide it’s time to throw in the towel.

China is denying passports to restrict critics and minorities to travel out of the country. Which is completely different than the U.S. where Republicans are trying to pass an immigration policy to keep those same people out.

President Obama says that climate change is a national security risk that could aggravate poverty and political instability as well as jeopardize the readiness of U.S. forces. Which have already pretty much started thanks to his economic, energy and foreign policies.

A vendor at Ground Zero in New York was caught selling hot dogs to tourists for $30. Apparently the man was confused for a minute and thought he was working at Yankee Stadium.

A report says several women were turned away at the Cannes Film Festival for not wearing high heels. The controversy is being called “flatgate,” to which Tom Brady is already denying he was even anywhere near France.

A judge has refused to reopen an auction for the sale of RadioShack’s intellectual property, including customers’ data. Which is the first time “intellectual” and “RadioShack customers” have ever been used in the same sentence.

The world’s oldest tools dating back 3.3 Million years have been discovered in Kenya. Archaeologists were pleased to find that Sears was willing to exchange them for new ones that still fell under their Craftsman lifetime warranty.

A report on Warren Buffett says the billionaire goes to a barber who charges $18 for his haircuts. To which everyone under 60 is asking “What’s a barber?”

A report on Warren Buffett says the billionaire goes to a barber who charges $18 for his haircuts. Which is significantly less than what Donald Trump pays to have the squirrel living on his head bathed and groomed every month.

A study says independent contractors in the on-demand economy make an average wage of $18 an hour. As opposed to other workers who find they are in no-demand when they ask for anything more than $9 an hour.

Five banks were fined $5.7 Billion for currency manipulation. What’s worse is that after they agreed to the penalty they manipulated the currency to where the $5.7 Billion was reduced to $136.50.

Five banks were fined $5.7 Billion for currency manipulation. The banks pleaded guilty mostly to keep the government from investigating them for money laundering, mortgage fraud and insider trading.

A report says that falling oil prices have actually hurt the U.S. economy. Mostly from oil company executives’ yearly bonuses being cut which limits the number of yachts, jets and vacation homes in the Hamptons they can afford to buy every year.

The Takata air bag recall is affecting one in seven U.S. vehicles. The good news is that people who drive Chryslers on the list are in no danger since it isn’t necessary to have working airbags when your car can’t make it out of the driveway in the first place.

A report says there is a demand for college graduates on many farms. As opposed to where the demand is for most other college graduates at 7-Eleven, Wal-Mart and McDonald’s.

McDonald’s shut down a restaurant after it was swamped by protesters demanding workers there get paid $15 an hour. McDonald’s realized they weren’t regular customers when they saw that more than six of them could actually fit inside at the same time.

A survey says that many fraud alerts for credit and debit cards are wrongly flagged. Mostly because credit card companies figure there is no way their customers have enough money to be able to afford any purchases of more than $50.

A study says that 23% of U.S. adults with health coverage are underinsured. The other 77% are with insurance companies that pretty much just come right out and say they don’t cover anything.

A study says that 23% of U.S. adults with health coverage are underinsured. Which is pretty much like paying for a time share but never being able to get the time off from work to use it.

A study says that 23% of U.S. adults with health coverage are underinsured. The other 77% haven’t tried to actually go see a doctor on their plan in the past 15 years.

A survey says that Washington, D.C. is the nation’s fittest city. Mostly because of all the lobbyists who stay in great shape by carrying all those bags of cash clear over to the Capitol Building every day.

A study says that exercise affects how people move, even when they are not exercising. For one thing, people who don’t exercise are the ones who usually can’t move around the office on a route that doesn’t go through the break room.

A study says that secondhand pot smoke can give bystanders a mild high. You can tell those people because they are the ones who are willing to just go to a pizzeria that sells by the slice.

A new strain of rabies was found in New Mexico. No one had any idea that Mel Gibson had relocated to the desert southwest.

A study says that children who experience nightmares by age 12 have an increased risk of developing psychotic symptoms later in life. Either that or they have somehow found a channel on the TV showing constant reruns of “Teletubbies.”

A study says that adults who were bullied as children are at an increased risk of obesity, heart disease and diabetes. Which is no surprise, especially for the ones who were picked on for being fat.

A new show debuted on ABC called “500 Questions.” Which is also known by men as what you get when your wife finds an unfamiliar number that called on your iPhone.

Kanye West is claiming he was “grossly over-censored” at the Billboard Music Awards. He needs to learn if he wouldn’t be so gross, he wouldn’t get censored.

Kanye West is claiming he was “grossly over-censored” at the Billboard Music Awards. Most people would disagree, in that they were still able to actually see some of his performance.

Alfonso Ribeiro has been named as the new host of “America’s Funniest Videos.” The toughest part of hosting that show is after 25 years being able to come up with new metaphors for people being hit in the groin.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says its his job to protect the integrity of the game. Although it wasn’t sure if he was referring to “Deflategate,” PEDs, domestic abuse, concussions, front office diversity, spying, bullying, bounties...

A report says that Los Angeles could host the Super Bowl as early as 2020. Which would be nice for fans since it doesn’t look like they will be hosting the World Series, NBA Championship or Stanley Cup Finals any time soon.

A report says that Los Angeles could host the Super Bowl as early as 2020. Which would give the city five years to try to get an NFL team and give the people a chance to remember what football even is.

A report says that former Ole Miss football players are the highest paid in the NFL. To which all the former players from UNLV are asking “What’s the NFL?”

A report says that former Ole Miss football players are the highest paid in the NFL. In fact, their income is second only to what is being paid to the current players at USC.

The police force in Queensland, Australia is charging the group Nickelback with “crimes against music.” You would think if they were going after Canadians who are ruining the music industry they would have started out with an all points bulletin for Justin Bieber.

The police force in Queensland, Australia is charging the group Nickelback with “crimes against music.” You would think before going after a Canadian group they would remember that Australia is the country that gave us the Bee Gees, Kylie Minogue and Iggy Azalea.

A group of travel websites says that Delta Airlines is withholding data from them. As opposed to United Airlines which lists all their flight information so that passengers can have plenty of time to book a flight before it is canceled.

The FBI says that Internet fraud takes Americans for $800 Million a year. Which explains why the list of Forbes wealthiest people is now including several Nigerian princes.

The FBI says that Internet fraud takes Americans for $800 Million a year. And that doesn’t even count the money that AOL is charging people for what they claim is an Internet connection.

A cosmologist says that aliens on other planets would probably weigh around 700 pounds. No one had any idea that there have already been extraterrestrial franchises sold for KFC, McDonald’s and Taco Bell.

A report says that a strategy guide for video games was found on the shelf at Osama bin Laden’s compound. Apparently that is how the CIA found him, when it was discovered the compound he was staying in recently took delivery on eight couches.

Archaeologists say ancient tribes in Mexico were cannibals who grilled and boiled humans. Apparently when the tribal members said they were eating McDonald’s, they were really eating McDonalds.

A survey says that women in technology don’t get the same respect as men in the field. Which is really bad since how much respect does anyone get walking around in khaki pants, a Polo shirt and Hush Puppies?

Lawmakers in Utah say they are hoping for a compromise that will allow Tesla to sell cars in their state. Especially now that the electric car company has developed its new van that seats up to five wives and 23 children.

KFC in Germany is giving out trays that come with keyboards that connect to smartphones so people can type with greasy fingers. Which comes in handy when customers don’t to smudge up their smartphones while they are calling 911 for an ambulance and defibrillator.

Microsoft has released an update for Windows 10 that warns of “frequent crashes” with their Edge browser. Fortunately, the company already had the message ready to go. All they had to do was substitute “Windows 10” for “Vista” and “Edge” for “Internet Explorer.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Last night was David Letterman’s last show. It makes me feel that much older when I remember when he was the new face on late night TV. Letterman was one of the greats, very cutting edge for more than 30 years. Although I was always more of a Leno fan, Dave kept his show fresh and relevant. At least other than the constant input from Paul Shaffer. People are wondering what Letterman is going to do now. How about what every other working stiff in the country would like to do at his age. Nothing! Which as you know is already something I already do often and quite well. I am sure Stephen Colbert will do a great job of taking over the reins. He is witty, hip and probably the smartest person on TV. Which is kind of like saying someone is the best hitter on the Astros. In any event, I will be watching to see how he does, just like all of you keep checking to see if my jokes will ever be funny. I appreciate you reading the blog, and the only thing that makes me happier is when you all remember to send the love!

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

America’s biggest ranch, a half million acre spread in Texas has been put on sale for $725 Million. The owners are reportedly ready to divest their holdings, are tired of the upkeep and figure the federal government is going to confiscate the land as part of Jade Helm 15 anyway.

 America’s biggest ranch, a half million acre spread in Texas has been put on sale for $725 Million. If that is too much of a yard to upkeep, you can go to southern California where the same price will still get you a two bedroom fixer upper on a half lot in Pacoima.

HSBC will start changing customers to hold deposits in savings accounts. To which most Americans are asking “What’s a savings account?”

HSBC will start changing customers to hold deposits in savings accounts. It only applies to customers who have enough money where stuffing it all into their mattress makes for an uncomfortable night’s sleep.

HSBC will start changing customers to hold deposits in savings accounts. It’s for people who are getting old enough that they can’t remember where they buried all the tomato cans full of cash in the yard.

A study says that boys who smoke marijuana tend to be four inches shorter on average than their non-smoking peers. Which means if it wasn’t for pot, the average NBA player would be 7’5”.


A study says that boys who smoke marijuana tend to be four inches shorter on average than their non-smoking peers. Which brings up the question of back in the day, just how much weed was Spud Webb smoking?
 
New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft says he will “reluctantly” accept the NFL’s discipline over “Deflategate.” Just like he will “reluctantly” open up a $500 bottle of Champagne along with a Cuban cigar and imported caviar while he polishes the Lombardi Trophy and prays for forgiveness.

A study says that one in seven people on the planet still live without electricity. No one had any idea that the Long Island Power Authority had that many customers.

Japanese airbag maker Takata has expanded its recall in the U.S. to 34 Million vehicles. To which GM finally had to give in and say “Bravo!”

A poll says that 46% of Americans say they want George Stephanopoulos to be banned from campaign coverage because it was revealed he donated $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation. The other 54% want him banned because they are already tired of nonstop TV coverage of a presidential race that is still a year and a half down the road.

KFC is planning on bringing back former “SNL” star Darrell Hammond to play Colonel Sanders in some upcoming ads. People were surprised at the resurrection. “Darrell Hammond is still around?”

The U.S. says that North Korea is still years away from being able to launch missiles from submarines. Mostly because it looks like they are not even close to their goal of providing country wide indoor plumbing.

The White House is pushing a plan to save bees and other pollinators. Which is more good news for the biggest cross pollinator in the country, Kevin Federline.

A surge in home construction is reportedly lifting hopes for the U.S. economy with the most home starts in the past seven years. Mostly because the people who went into foreclosure seven years ago have waited the necessary time to clear it off their record before they try to lose it all again.

A report says that poor and minority college students are left with the most student debt. Which is good that the college experience brings everyone together no matter their race, religion or culture and leaves them all equally broke.

A report says that at the top 50 U.S. airports there are 38% more delays in the summer than winter. Mostly because that’s the time United Airlines is trying to catch up with the 38% of flights they canceled during the cold season.

A report says that Newark Liberty International Airport in New Jersey has the worst on time rate at 64%. Mostly because the pilots like to circle the airport a few times before landing just to let the passengers try to gradually get used to the smell.

The Los Angeles City Council voted to raise the city’s minimum wage to $15 an hour by 2020. Which means in another five years the workers will have enough money to afford the cost of living they had back in 1974.

A new table from Zero Energy Furniture reportedly keeps the room temperature at 71 degrees. It’s the first table that is able to bring down the room temperature other than the one Bill and Hillary ate breakfast at when she found out about Monica Lewinsky.

Four cancer charities are being accused of using $187 Million in donations on cruises, dating websites and new cars. The people running the charities are being charged with impersonating a Wall Street bank.

New energy drinks that are trying to appeal to gamers advertise they are made with more natural ingredients. The question is why does someone who sits on a couch all day playing video games need an energy drink in the first place?

An Ohio man is crediting Taylor Swift for inspiring him to lose 400 pounds. He saw how easy it was for her to lose 400 pounds in no time by just dumping her last three boyfriends.

A study says that pot smokers who use prescription painkillers don’t appear to increase their risk for alcohol or drug abuse. Mostly because by that point they are so stoned out of their minds they really don’t need to use anything else.

A study says that moms are better than dads at baby talk with young children. Mostly because the only time men use baby talk is when they are rolling dice, brushing their dog or sitting behind the wheel of a new sports car.

A survey says that the world has 1 Billion smokers and 240 Million alcohol abusers. No one had any idea that many people were now living in Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia.

A study says that playing with food helps preschoolers become less picky eaters. If you have seen any of our preschoolers lately, the last thing we need is to try to encourage them to actually eat any more.

A study says that playing with food helps preschoolers become less picky eaters. Which using that logic means maybe we should let them play with books so someday they may actually learn to read.

A study says that most Americans are still not using sunscreen. Mostly because most Americans haven’t gotten up off the couch to go outside more than three times since they reached drinking age.

A study says that NFL players who suffered concussions serious enough to lose consciousness are at risk of brain damage that could affect their memory later in life. Which is good news for any players who spent their whole career wearing a Cleveland Browns uniform.

Crayola is telling people to stop using its colored pencils for makeup and for people to use them as they were intended. Which was for members of Congress to write up all their proposed legislation.

A student at Guilford College in North Carolina had to miss her graduation ceremony when she gave birth to her son. The good news is that she now has a diploma that will allow her to get a good job so she can struggle for the next 18 years to put together his college fund.

A study says that one third of all Americans have heart risk factors. Meaning they live less than two miles from the nearest McDonald’s.

A study says that one third of all Americans have heart risk factors. The other two thirds have already graduated to full blown heart disease.

A study says that one third of all Americans have heart risk factors. When people were told, it was such a shock they almost dropped their cigarette, beer and Big Mac.

Honey Boo Boo’s mother Mama June made a personal appearance at a Florida strip club. Apparently she wanted to show Honey Boo Boo her other career possibilities if the waitress gig at Waffle House doesn’t work out.

The world’s smallest theater has opened in New York City, a four by eight foot room called “Theatre For One.” The worst part is they still couldn’t sell it out for the latest Adam Sandler movie.

Sandra Bullock says the new “Magic Mike” movie trailer “made her ovulate.” Or more likely the 50 year old mistook getting heated up for what was really just her first hot flash.

A report says the L.A. Clippers Chris Paul and DeAndre Jordan clashed over Jordan’s lack of commitment to working on his free throws. Which means it is a good thing that Paul was never on the same team with Shaquille O’Neal.

Floyd Mayweather says that if people want to be upset with his latest fight, they should blame Manny Pacquiao. Actually, they should blame themselves for paying $100 for a pay-per-view fight that makes paying $8 for an Adam Sandler movie a bargain.

The Fresno Grizzles 3A baseball team is offering a “Frankenslice” pizza with hot dogs baked into the crust. Any fans who can eat a whole pizza get to be carted off on the seventh inning stretcher.

NFL owners have voted to move extra point kicks back to the 15 yard line. Which doesn’t really apply to the Oakland Raiders who still couldn’t make a touchdown if they moved the end zone to the 15 yard line.

NFL owners have voted to move extra point kicks back to the 15 yard line. Which means the percentage of PATs made could drop from 99.5% all the way down to 99.2%.

President Obama picked up 1 Million Twitter followers in just five hours after his new @POTUS account opened. It was good to see there are so many people interested in getting daily updates on what the President is eating for breakfast.

Wal-Mart profits dropped after they gave their store employees a pay raise. Apparently Wal-Mart executives are still sore about having to actually pay their workers a decent wage, saying they are just going to go out and spend it all on food and clothes and stuff.

Wal-Mart profits dropped after they gave their store employees a pay raise. It was especially tough on corporate accountants who had to scour the ledger to find out where to actually put in an entry for money given out as workers’ salaries.

The FBI is warning people that seeking love online can lead to fraud. And that is just with the dating profile of anyone who has signed up on Match.com.

The FBI is warning people that seeking love online can lead to fraud. They say it is much safer to find love after becoming financially independent, and the best way is to first go online and make a fortune through this one Nigerian prince they know.

A study says that 17% of people take selfies or other pictures while they are driving. The most common one they usually take is the selfie of themselves going into the oak tree they are about to hit when the look up from texting behind the wheel.

A study says that 17% of people take selfies or other pictures while they are driving. The other 83% haven’t yet figured out how to take pictures with their cellphone while they are still in texting mode.

A poll says that Republican voters are happy with their 2016 options. Mostly because Mitt Romney and John McCain are not going to declare this time.

A poll says that Republican voters are happy with their 2016 options. Mostly because they figure out of the 50 candidates who have already announced they are running, there has to be at least one person they can stomach pulling the lever for.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I haven’t had a chance to post yet on this, but last week the world of Blues lost a great one in B.B. King. I saw him perform at the Greek Theater in L.A. several years ago with another great we lost some time back, Stevie Ray Vaughan. Although Vaughan was much bigger then, out of deference to King he was the opening act. Now they are both gone. Ugh. King wasn’t blazing fast like the other Blues greats but he was a big influence on all of them with his stylized playing techniques. The Thrill is Gone, and so is King. The best way to pay tribute is to listen to the greatest music around. Put on some Blues for awhile. It’s the best music around. And when you get a break between songs, make sure to take some time and remember to always send the love!

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Secretary of State John Kerry says the Internet “needs rules to flourish and work properly.” So what kinds of rules do people need to post pictures of what they are eating, view endless cat videos and watch porn all day?

Secretary of State John Kerry says the Internet “needs rules to flourish and work properly.” Especially since most of what is on the Internet is right wing websites who are criticizing everything Kerry is doing with foreign policy.

Saudi Arabia is advertising for eight executioners because of an increase of beheadings under the new king. It’s the only place where new employees are being hired at the same time heads are being chopped.

Saudi Arabia is advertising for eight executioners because of an increase of beheadings under the new king. The government has even gone so far as to have all the prospective job seekers represented by a head hunter.

David Letterman said in an interview about the upcoming end of his late night talk show that he is “naked and afraid.” Which are the same two words that were used to describe their experiences on the show by his interns back in the 1990s.

A Nigerian restaurant was shut down after it was discovered to be selling human flesh. People were shocked to find out that when they ordered calf meat, they were getting the meat from some guy’s calf.

A Nigerian restaurant was shut down after it was discovered to be selling human flesh. Customers don’t even want to know what they were getting when they ordered the “McNuggets.”

The California drought is so bad, a report says that some toddlers have never seen rain. Which is nowhere near as long as the dry spell that goes back to 1970 for the L.A. Clippers fans.

The California drought is so bad, a report says that some toddlers have never seen rain. Which is no big deal as neither have most middle aged people living in Pahrump, Nevada.

A Florida woman is attempting to row a boat from Japan to San Francisco. The woman says she is daring but still didn’t have the courage to book the same trip on a Carnival cruise ship.

A Florida woman is attempting to row a boat from Japan to San Francisco. So far she says the worst part is having someone along who is constantly yelling “stroke!, stroke!” into a megaphone the whole trip.

A poll says that only 26% of Americans are satisfied with the direction of the U.S. The other 74% are old enough to remember what it is like to be headed in a direction other than straight down.

The federal government is targeting what they call “troubling practices” with college debit cards. Although how much of a difference is it going to make to add a few snacks from the campus convenience store to a tuition loan that is already over $200,000?

The IMF says using fossil fuels comes with a hidden yearly cost of $5.3 Trillion for the effects of air pollution and climate change. Which comes out to about $400,000 if you don’t include the cost of cleaning up all of BP’s monthly disasters.

A report says the hardest jobs to fill in the U.S. are trade occupations like butchers, mechanics and electricians. Especially the ones that are advertised as metaphors for mob hit men.

Investor Carl Icahn says that Apple’s stock is undervalued at its current $130 a share and is really worth about $240. In other words, Icahn is trying to get someone to take the stock off his hands that he knows is worth more like $75 a share.

President Obama finally has his own Twitter account @POTUS. Apparently he found out about the social media site just recently through Ask Jeeves.

President Obama finally has his own Twitter account @POTUS.  The only problem is when he tries to update everyone on the national deficit that doesn’t fit on a format with only 140 characters.

Target is shifting away from packaged goods in its grocery section. The only problem is that when you are selling mostly flat screen TVs and Mom jeans, you have to also meet the demand for the macaroni and cheese that goes along with them.

American Pharoah could reportedly command stud fees of $100,000 a foal if he wins the Triple Crown. Which is exactly the same amount that was eventually paid out by Britney Spears to Kevin Federline for the same thing.

A study says that most people have no idea what income inequality really looks like. Mostly because they are pretty much insolvent and live around and work with other people who are just as broke.

Nissan’s CEO says that the company will be ready with autonomous cars by 2020. GM is reportedly beating them to the punch with cars that will be able to drive themselves back to the dealer every time there is a recall.

Financial experts say that privatizing Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac would lead to an increase in mortgage rates. Mostly as a result of not being able to have the federal government pay for the cost of handling all their foreclosed loans.
 

Several startups are selling on demand alcohol to people through their smartphones. Which is good because it means people who want to drink and drive will be using their smartphones for something other than texting while they are behind the wheel.

A federal court says that it is OK for other companies to copy the iPhone design. Mostly because apparently no one else would have ever thought of creating a smartphone that is rectangular in shape and is thin enough to fit inside a pocket.

A report says that summer air travel will be a record breaker. Especially for United Airlines which will be booking new flights while still trying to get all the people back home who started their trips back in the spring.

A report says that summer air travel will be a record breaker, with a 5% increase expected over last year. The worst part is paying extra to book a flight with the private room with the flip top seat only to find out you are sitting on the toilet.

The federal government is ordering Fiat Chrysler to defend the pace of 20 recalls involving 10 Million cars. Auto industry experts were shocked. 10 Million people have bought a Chrysler?

Univision’s new campaign is telling viewers “everything is possible.” Mostly because who would have thought thirty years ago that one day they would be beating out all the programming on CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox?

India claims it will become the world’s fastest growing large economy this year. Mostly because the U. S. economy is no longer considered growing, fast or large at this point.

GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio has cashed out a $68,000 IRA account for personal expenses, including a new refrigerator. Which was a surprise in that no one thought Rubio’s campaign would be running longer than his appliances.

GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio has cashed out a $68,000 IRA account for personal expenses, including a new refrigerator. Which shows the confidence level of the candidates. Rubio is doing improvements on his own home while Hillary Clinton is already measuring the White House drapes.

GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio has cashed out a $68,000 IRA account for personal expenses, including a new refrigerator. Which could be cutting his own throat since if he is elected to the presidency, the first thing he is going to do will be wipe out Social Security.

A study says that depression is tied to an increase in the risk of stroke, even if the symptoms ease. Which they do after having the stroke since the person no longer has to worry about their finances since the medical bills will take everything they own.

A survey says that most kids around the world are happy regardless of their material wealth. Which means that children are satisfied whether they are wearing a brand new pair of Nikes their parents bought them or if they have just sewn together 400 pairs and got paid 32 cents to do it.

A survey says the happiest kids in the world live in Romania and Turkey. Mostly because they realize if they were just a few miles down the road they could be living in the Ukraine.

A study says that the obesity rate for children entering kindergarten has increased since 1998 for all except those from the wealthiest families. Mostly because those are the children whose parents can afford to let them celebrate their preschool graduation with a few sessions at the liposuction clinic.

A study has come up with an explanation for why there are men, which has to do with sexual selection that helps species ward off diseases and extinction. The good news is for most people alive in the world, instead of picking a mate based on health and survival our mothers instead chose a mate in a haze of blackout binge drinking.

The FDA is considering expanding tests for drug residues in milk. Which is good news, especially if they post the drugs on the milk cartons so people who lost their health insurance can fill out all the prescription they can no longer afford.

A study says that humans have lighter bones than our ancestors. Mostly because our skeletons are just getting in the way of the final evolutionary phase that allows us to mold ourselves into the shape of the couch we now inhabit 24 hours a day.

A study says that ballet is not as good for kids’ exercise as hip hop. Except for the boys who walk outside in their leotards and have to run really fast in order to avoid getting pounded by the hip hop kids every day.

Bruce Jenner says he plans to transform fully into becoming a woman this spring. In other words, he is pretty much going through puberty all over again.

Bruce Jenner admits that he stole some of Kim Kardashian’s clothes. To which many viewers of “The Kardashians” were surprised to hear. Kim Kardashian wears clothes?

Bruce Jenner admits that he stole some of Kim Kardashian’s clothes. Although that came to an abrupt halt when he noticed Kanye West kept constantly winking at him.

A 17 year old student from Canada won a $75,000 prize for inventing a system that keeps germs from spreading on planes. Forget that, how about a system that keeps germs from spreading around the rooms of 17 year olds?

A 17 year old student from Canada won a $75,000 prize for inventing a system that keeps germs from spreading on planes. The airlines already have a plan for that. They make sure all the germs on passengers’ cash are all collected in fees before the people even get close to boarding.

Getaround, an app that allows people to rent strangers’ cars has launched in Washington, D.C. The bad part is that President Obama can’t go anywhere because all 17 GOP presidential candidates keep renting the presidential limo so they can get an idea what it will feel like to be chauffeured around when they get into the White House.

A study says that rats will rescue a friend in distress. Which is proven every day when members of Congress hold fundraisers for all their colleagues who are up for reelection.

Experts say that a hacker’s claim that he was able to take over a flight’s engine controls through an infotainment box is “unlikely.” Although some aviation professionals are suspicious since they know the planes’ controls are iPad accessible so the pilots can fly the plane while still playing “Candy Crush.”

Microsoft says they expect Windows 10 to be available on 410 Million PCs within 18 months. Mostly the ones that have been sitting unused in a desk drawer since they were originally equipped with Windows Vista.

A survey says that most Americans want changes made to Patriot Act surveillance. At least that’s what the NSA says people are talking about on their private e-mail accounts.

The FTC says that RadioShack’s plan to sell customers’ data could be illegal. Especially where people fear they could be blackmailed over being revealed as someone who shopped at RadioShack.

The WTO says that shoppers could soon have difficulty finding the origin of where their red meat comes from. To which Taco Bell is saying “and that is a bad thing how?”

The WTO says that shoppers could soon have difficulty finding the origin of where their red meat comes from. Which might explain Wal-Mart’s slogan “The taste of beef at raccoon prices.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Clippers were eliminated from the NBA playoffs this past weekend. Which is good that they have been able to now hold off their biggest choking until the conference semifinals instead of the season opener. Now Angeleno sports fans can relax and not have to worry about any more choking until the Dodgers make the playoffs in October. That’s a nice break. If you by chance get a break sometime in your busy day, it would be nice to hear from you. Just send me an e-mail anytime. I would love to hear your comments, especially when it is to see that you are sending the love!

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A New York City man was attacked on a subway platform and was robbed of his pants and shoes. Or as most other people in New York call not wearing pants or shoes, getting ready to ride the subway.

Microsoft’s new HoloLens headset can reportedly measure stress levels in users. Mostly when they try to use the device while operating it off Windows Vista.

Woody Allen’s new movie “Irrational Man” has been opening up to good reviews. The only problem is that the title is making some people think it is a documentary about the life of Mel Gibson.

U2 guitarist the Edge fell off a stage during a performance in Vancouver. The group’s singer Bono, who was also injured last year reportedly looked over at him and said “Oh no, U2?”


U2 guitarist the Edge fell off a stage during a performance in Vancouver. At first people thought he was joining the reunion tour for Wham!
 
Scientists say people could one day live forever by uploading their brain into a computer. Or if not forever, at least for another six months if the computer is made by Hewlett-Packard.

Iran’s leader is vowing to protect “oppressed” people in the Middle East. Otherwise meaning pretty much anyone living in the Middle East.

President Obama reportedly has $1,000 in a bank savings account. To which most Americans are saying “What’s a savings account?”

President Obama reportedly has $1,000 in a bank savings account. Which means at this point he is more solvent than the U.S. government by about 17 Trillion and 1 Thousand dollars.

Researchers say an examination of commercial planes found fecal matter on tray tables along with unwashed blankets and millions of bacteria on suitcases. Although airlines say if they really wanted to make passengers sick they wouldn’t have stopped serving inflight meals.

A New Jersey postal annex was evacuated after a “sweet odor” was detected there. Apparently people became concerned when they noticed the area didn’t reek of its usual bouquet of industrial chemical, sewer gas and burning rubber.

CBS is kicking off their Monday night lineup without a comedy show for the first time since 1949. Mostly because their Monday night scheduling still includes “Two Broke Girls.”

Golf courses in California are having to take measures to cut their water use because of the ongoing drought. The only good news is that in order to be penalized for a water hazard, golfers need to hit a slice bad enough to end up in Oregon.

Blue Bell ice cream has had to lay off employees for the first time in 108 years because of a massive recall from listeria. Apparently people are OK knowing that eating a lot of ice cream will lead to an early death, just not in the same week.

China has reclaimed the top spot of ownership of U.S. debt. Apparently even other countries are now looking for charitable gifts they can write off as a loss on their income tax returns.

A poll says that more than a third of American workers say their personal lives are encroached on by work obligations. Mostly company executives who constantly find their three hour Martini lunches constantly interrupted by repeated calls from the office.

A poll says that one quarter of American workers say they have had to miss family experiences because of work. To which the other three quarters are saying if they could only find a way to be so lucky.

A report is urging doctors to take chronic fatigue syndrome more seriously. The one sure test to determine if someone actually has the illness is when they only have the energy to make only one pass through the food line at HomeTown Buffet.

A study says that Botox can be used to ease an overactive bladder. Not having an overactive bladder anymore will mean the patient will be able to smile without having to get any more Botox injections for their face.

A map of states’ most distinctive causes of death shows that people are most likely to be victims of accidentally being shot in Tennessee and Alabama. Which is different than people who are shot in Georgia, Mississippi and Florida where it is always intentional.

A study says that people with defibrillator implants live longer if they are physically active. The study also shows that if the people had been physically active sooner they wouldn’t have needed a defibrillator implant in the first place.

A new plastic surgery procedure called a “voice lift” makes people sound younger. Although you know your plastic surgeon has gone too far when following the operation your first words are “goo-goo,” “Mama” and “Dada.”

A new plastic surgery procedure called a “voice lift” makes people sound younger. Although an easier way to start sounding younger is to quit standing on your front porch all day yelling “You kids get off my lawn!”

A study says that people who get less sleep are at an increased risk of having strokes. Mostly from being hit on the head by their wife when she catches them sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 in the morning.

A new test can use one fingerprint from a person to see if they are using cocaine. Especially if their fingerprints are being made with white powder on every hand mirror in the house.

A new test can use one fingerprint from a person to see if they are using cocaine. Along with the usual signs that they haven’t slept in three days, lost their job, home and family and haven’t stopped talking and laughing uncontrollably for the past two hours.

A study says that one third of all sunscreens don’t deliver the SPF advertised on the bottle. It wasn’t known how the other two performed for sun protection because most people instead found they just tasted so good.

A study says that one third of all sunscreens don’t deliver the SPF advertised on the bottle. Especially the ones where users complained of sunburn, then blistering followed by spontaneous combustion.

The CDC says that one in ten children is diagnosed with ADHD. The other nine with similar symptoms are diagnosed with being children.

A survey says that 22% of 12 to 18 year old students report they have been bullied. The other 78% couldn’t take the survey because they were too busy trying to pull their underwear off their head.

Jon Gosselin is seeking custody of just one of his eight children. It’s easy to tell which one. He gets the one holding the short straw.

Mitt Romney got into the boxing ring to raise money for CharityVision, a group that helps restore vision to people with eye problems. Although most everyone at the fight regretted having eyesight when they saw Mitt Romney climb into the ring without a shirt.

Mitt Romney got into the boxing ring to raise money for CharityVision, a group that helps restore vision to people with eye problems. It was his first charitable venture since climbing in the ring against Barak Obama for the 2016 presidential election.

Allen Iverson gave an interview where he says word of his financial problems claiming that “struggling in any part of his life” is a myth. Apparently he has no struggles now that he isn’t required to show up for practice anymore.

Woody Allen says the series he is developing for Amazon will be a “cosmic embarrassment.” Which can’t bee good coming from the man who lived through the public scrutiny of his marriage to Soon-Yi.

Johnny Depp had to fly his dogs back to the United States after he risked having them euthanized after he flew them into Australia on a private jet. Apparently government authorities became concerned when they feared he may have been using the private jet to plague the country with DVDs of “The Lone Ranger.”

A men’s rights activist is calling for people to boycott the film “Mad Max” because of what he calls an underlying feminist agenda. Which won’t do much good because most men who are passing on “Mad Max” are going to see a chick flick like “Hot Pursuit” because their wife or girlfriend told them so.

The NFL says it plans to change the guidelines of handling footballs before games. One suggestion is to inflate the balls with helium so any quarterback who tries to take the air out will be given away when he calls out audibles in falsetto.

The NCAA Rules Committee is recommending the 35 second shot clock be dropped to 30 seconds. That way the final two minutes of college basketball games may actually start to take less than an hour.

Texas Ranger Adrian Beltre became the 52nd Major Leaguer to hit 400 home runs. Or the 45th after baseball players discovered steroids.

Texas Ranger Adrian Beltre became the 52nd Major Leaguer to hit 400 home runs. He isn’t suspected of using steroids to hit the mark since it actually took him longer than five seasons to get there.

Former Miami Dolphins kicker Garo Yepremian has died at age 70. He will always be credited with showing Tom Brady what can happen when you try to complete a pass with a ball that is fully inflated.


Former Miami Dolphins kicker Garo Yepremian has died at age 70. Apparently he finally traded in his football for the bucket.
 
A study says that Viagra can prevent the spread of malaria by stiffening the parasite that causes it. Patients are urged to call their doctor if the parasite isn’t the only thing that is still stiff after four hours.

A study says that Viagra can prevent the spread of malaria by stiffening the parasite that causes it. Which means for once Viagra will be stiffening up a parasite other than your ex-wife’s new boyfriend.

A study says that Viagra can prevent the spread of malaria. Which means doctors’ offices across the country will soon be overrun by millions of senior men who are claiming of symptoms of an outbreak of a tropical disease.

Chili’s is tweaking its food to look better when people post pictures of it on social media. Apparently they found a product that actually looks like their hamburger patties are made out of meat.

The GAO says that American drone pilots are not being trained enough since they are spending some of their time assigned to other tasks like lawn mowing, janitor work and guard duty. Which can be tough to explain why we weren’t able to take out the head of ISIS on a surprise drone mission because all the pilots were busy cleaning the General’s pool.

The GAO says that American drone pilots are not being trained enough since they are spending some of their time assigned to other tasks like lawn mowing, janitor work and guard duty. Apparently the military got the idea by seeing the same thing happen with the pilots over at United Airlines.

A study says that fruit flies may experience fear. Which is hard to believe since the safest place for any insect in America to hide would be inside a piece of fruit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk over the weekend was a huge success. The local group picked up $49,000 in donations and had 400 people show up for the event. I would like to thank all the people who made generous donations and helped support Team Karen. My special thanks go out to good friend Catherine Bostic and her daughter Kendyl; My daughter Summer; my girlfriend Carol Melton; Wendy and Jon Harlow who are the parents of my great colleague Doug Harlow; sister-in-law Mary Volkmann and my awesome readers Rick Foster and Jay Howell. Great job from everyone who chipped in. It is always the best way to truly send the love!

Friday, May 15, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Stanford psychology professor says that stress is not necessarily bad for people, especially if they think it is good. Like people who want a degree from Stanford grads who don’t mind trying to figure out how to pay off their tuition loans before they reach retirement age.

A report says that Internet addresses are running low. Apparently there are only so many billions of possibilities for sites that contain the word “sex.”

A report says that Internet addresses are running low. But that was pretty obvious when by 1998 someone had already found a use for “Hampsterdance.com.”

A study says that a person’s handshake strength could be a predictor of their risk for a heart attack. That’s just more bad news for Harry Reid.

Harry Shearer, the voice of 23 characters on “The Simpsons” is leaving the show. The parting seems to be a bit acrimonious as the official statement from producers was “Eat my shorts.”

Harry Shearer, the voice of 23 characters including Montgomery Burns on “The Simpsons” is leaving the show. He reportedly turned down an offer for $14 Million which shows that playing Mr. Burns might have been a result of typecasting.

Microsoft has issued a 54 page report that says the average attention span is now down to eight seconds. At least that is what is implied in the first three paragraphs as no one has actually been able to get any farther than that before needing to do something else.

Donald Trump says he plans to get admitted to the GOP 2016 debates because “I get ratings.” So did Simon Cowell but it doesn’t mean anyone wanted anything else from him than to know who might be a bit pitchy.

The federal government reportedly wants to speed up deployment of vehicle to vehicle communication. Meaning where cars can “talk” to each other through wireless connections instead of the traditional method where drivers just give each other the finger.

Tom Brady is appealing his suspension that claims he was “at least generally aware” that footballs were deflated before the AFC Championship Game. As opposed to Pete Carroll who was completely unaware of what he was doing when he made the call for the final play of the Super Bowl.

NATO says it will counter what it calls “hybrid warfare” from Russia. Although most military experts are wondering just how effective it could be to have soldiers chasing each other around in a Prius.

A British cat has set a world’s record with the loudest purr at 67.8 decibels, described as comparable to a vacuum cleaner. Unfortunately, the cat still only has five lives left as it has also used up being an alarm clock, power drill and chain saw.

A British cat has set a world’s record with the loudest purr at 67.8 decibels, described as comparable to a vacuum cleaner. The only problem is that it is useless for pest control as it can only catch mice that are completely deaf.

A consumer agency says it wants to make changes to help the 40 Million people with student loan debt avoid default. For one thing it wants to warn future students about going $100,000 in debt with a philosophy degree that is only going to land them a job behind the counter at a convenience store.

Carl’s Jr. is introducing its Most American Thickburger later this month that includes a hamburger patty, hot dog, cheese and potato chips. Which answers the question as to why there is no longer a Carl Senior.

A report says the Yankee team salary of $281 Million makes up 2.5% of all wages paid in the Bronx. And the return of Alex Rodriguez explains why their locker room has 38% of all the Bronx syringes.

A report says that couples are taking out loans of up to $30,000 to try for in vitro fertilization pregnancies. Which is mostly a dress rehearsal for the $200,000 they will have to borrow in another 18 years for the kid’s college tuition loans.

The 2015 J.D. Power North America Airline Satisfaction Study puts United at the bottom of the list. Which ironically means that reading the list finally at least gives United passengers the chance to say they are satisfied.

A study says that half of children use smartphones and tablets in someway before their first birthday. Which pretty much marks the last time their parents will actually have a chance to have a conversation with their kids until they are old enough to ask for the car keys.

The NFL’s top health adviser says the game is getting safer. For instance, players will find that footballs are much softer and less likely to cause pain when they are playing against the New England Patriots.

A study says that second hand smoke can cause a positive result on a drug test. Not only that, but another clue that someone is using pot is when they are so lazy they use everyone else’s smoke to get high.

A study on sports choking says it depends on whether the person fears failure or embraces it. Or if they are wearing a jersey that says “L.A. Clippers.”

A study says the best way to get people to quit smoking is to bribe them. The most common amount is for the family to give them the money they will save by not having to pay for a funeral quite as soon.

A study says that many diets fail because people base what they eat on what they think and not what they feel. Although there have also been a lot of diets that fail when people eat what they feel, like when they feel like a banana split.

A survey says that people find organic food labels an excuse to charge more. Although being more particular about food quality does result in higher prices. Which is how Taco Bell can keep so many items on their dollar menu.

A report says that fewer Americans are getting sick with E. coli. Mostly from building up an immunity over the years from eating so many meals at McDonald’s.

A pair of special glasses allowed a colorblind Pennsylvania man to see his children clearly for the first time. To which he said “You’re wearing a pink shirt with brown shoes?”

“Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards is being charged in connection with a drunken rampage. Which is the official way to tell that reality show actors still haven’t achieved true celebrity status in Hollywood.

“Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards is being charged in connection with a drunken rampage. Her defense is that she was just following script.

Lindsay Lohan reportedly showed up for her community service duties in Brooklyn two hours late. Which shouldn’t surprise anyone since she has worked off only ten hours of a 125 hour sentence that was handed down two years ago.

Lindsay Lohan reportedly showed up for her community service duties in Brooklyn two hours late. Apparently she didn’t want to make an appearance until she had time to meet with her court-appointed hair stylist and makeup artist.

James Taylor says that Barak Obama is the greatest President of all time. Which means don’t look for him to have any guest appearances booked any time soon on any of the musical talent shows on Fox.

Natalie Portman has signed on to play Jackie Kennedy in an upcoming biopic. This, in addition to her also playing Supreme Court Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. That is like casting the same person to play Princess Leia and Yoda in the same “Star Wars” movie.

Miley Cyrus asked a recent audience if they were as high as she was while she smoked a joint onstage. Apparently the answer was yes, when they decided to pay $50 for a ticket to her show.

A survey says that 34% of NBA fans think Michael Jordan could still beat LeBron James in a one on one game. The other 66% think neither of them would have a chance against Kobe Bryant who is used to playing one on five every time he steps on the court.

A planned bridge from Detroit to Windsor, Canada will reportedly be named after hockey great Gordie Howe. The only problem is that during the winter months the bridge will have to be continually whistled for icing.

A planned bridge from Detroit to Windsor, Canada will reportedly be named after hockey great Gordie Howe. Anyone who tries to get past the tollbooth without paying will be assessed a five minute major.

A hacker has created a homemade gadget that can crack any Master Lock combination in seconds. Although the device isn’t necessary for any suitcase combination locks which are still all set at “0000.”

New wearable tech tells people when someone annoying is around them. Which would probably be referring to anyone who is actually covered with even more wearable tech devices.

United Airlines is offering free air miles as a bounty to security experts who find flaws in their website. So far the biggest flaw they have found is that the website allows people to buy tickets for flights with United.

United Airlines is offering free air miles as a bounty to security experts who find flaws in their website. So far most the experts are deciding if they will take it or would rather go with the offer for free minutes of dial up time for finding flaws over at AOL.com.

The Takata airbag recall has now affected 33 Million vehicles worldwide. The worst part is the latest investigation at why the airbags didn’t inflate properly is now blaming Tom Brady.

The Russian Yotaphone 2 smartphone has screens on both sides of the phone. Apparently it is for people who want to keep being able to take selfies while they can simultaneously look at all the ones they have just posted online.

Scientists have discovered the first warm blooded fish. Apparently it was developed by Red Lobster as a meal that can go right from the tank to the dish while bypassing the cooking process.

Scientists have discovered the first warm blooded fish. Apparently global warming has caused marine life to evolve to be able to adapt to living in oceans that are already running at bath water temperatures.

New anti-harassment rules at social news site Reddit are already angering users. Which is probably a pretty good sign they needed some anti-harassment rules.

New anti-harassment rules at social news site Reddit are already angering some users. Mostly the ones who are saying taking away the ability to harass others on social media is like buying a ticket to Disneyland and finding all the rides are closed down.

Glidden paints is asking people to literally watch paint dry on a live stream on Persicope. Apparently the company felt it was a lot cheaper than paying for the rights to live stream the next Red Sox-Yankees game.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Great Strides Walk to raise money for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation is Saturday. I am making a final plea to all of you to reach into your wallets and make a pledge. The money will go to fight the illness that took my lovely wife Karen four years ago. I don’t ask for much, other than your patience through the year but this is a very special cause for me. All you have to do is click on the picture of me and Karen and it will take you right to the CFF website. Any donation will be appreciated. I will recognize all the donors in my Monday blog, so I hope I can put many  of your names into print. Thanks in advance, because this is the one way you can really show that you are sending the love!

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The chief economist at HSBC says the world economy faces a “titanic problem.” Which is ironic coming from one of the major banks, which were pretty much responsible for making the economy like the Titanic in the first place.

A survey says that 40% of all bee hives died in the past year. It was a bad year for bees. Not only that, but Univision’s “Sabado Gigante” was canceled so there are all kinds of guys in bee costumes in line at the unemployment office.

Microsoft says the average person’s attention span is eight seconds. Sorry, there’s a squirrel outside and I forgot what I was saying.

Microsoft says the average person’s attention span is eight seconds. Mostly from people sitting around playing video games all day on consoles like Microsoft’s Xbox.

The top adviser to Pope Francis I blasted U.S. climate skeptics, blaming capitalism for their views. Which means Al Gore could be on the comeback trail as his hat is now back in the ring for being nominated as a Cardinal.

Stephen Hawking says that computers will overtake humans within 100 years. Which is an interesting statement coming from someone who wouldn’t be able to speak without his keyboard-activated synthesized voice.

Stephen Hawking says that computers will overtake humans within 100 years. He would see he is only about 101 years off if he would look at everyone under 30 who can’t go more than 30 seconds without gazing blankly into the screen of their smartphone.

Elon Musk says that Google co-founder Larry Page could “produce something evil by accident.” He already has, if you consider the fact that he started Google.

UK doctors are being urged to not overtest their patients. Apparently medical experts feel if anyone can live off a diet of haggis, jellied eels and Marmite they are pretty much immune from anything else that is going to make them sick.

The CEO of Qatar Air is complaining of what he calls “bullying tactics” of U.S. airlines. If he thinks they are tough in the boardroom, just wait until he tries to reschedule a canceled flight on United Airlines.

The U.S. Olympic 4x100m relay team has been stripped of its silver medal from the 2012 London Olympics. Which is unfortunate for the members of the relay team, which is just slightly more lucrative and marketable than the badminton, water polo and fencing teams.

Facebook has a new rule that any vendors doing business with them must pay their employees at least $15 an hour. Fortunately, the rule exempts Mark Zuckerberg who can continue to pay $7.25 an hour to his domestic staff, lawn crew and pool boy.

A survey says that one third of all sales of children’s hydration drink Pedialyte are for adults, mostly for hangovers. Especially when they got so drunk they ate three jars of Gerber’s strained peas for a midnight snack.

Wal-Mart says it will test unlimited shipping for online shoppers for $50 a year. Which is great news for the three Wal-Mart shoppers who actually have a computer with Internet access.

Wal-Mart says it will test unlimited shipping for online shoppers for $50 a year. Which would work better if the average Wal-Mart shopper had a yearly shopping budget of more than $30.

The CEO of Frontier Airlines has resigned. The airline was recently designated the worst airline for customer service. Apparently the CEO felt that once he beat United Airlines at their own game, there was nothing left to accomplish.

Hackers are now reportedly stealing money by draining bank accounts through people’s Starbucks apps. Mostly because all it takes to get away with several thousand dollars is to make a transfer to pay for three large decaf mocha lattes.

Japan’s top three carmakers are expanding their recall for Takata airbags to another 11 Million vehicles. GM made an official response to the recalls which now total more than 36 Million worldwide. “Amateurs!”

The AFL-CIO says that CEOs in the U.S. make 373 times more than their workers. To which the CEOs responded by saying it’s not really that bad, that they would only really be making about 200 times what their workers take home if they actually paid them a livable wage.

The AFL-CIO says that CEOs in the U.S. make 373 times more than their workers. To which some CEOs are saying that at least they have eliminated the gender pay gap and it is now 373 times more than what they pay both men and women.

The RadioShack name and customer data has sold for $26.2 Million. The only question is why would anyone pay $26.2 Million for a name and a list of customers that combined to make a $329 Million bankruptcy?

President Obama says the U.S. has an extraordinary relationship with the Saudis. Mostly for the fact that they are the one nation with oil we haven’t invaded yet.

KitKat is changing its name on 600 Thousand candy bars to “YouTube Break” as part of a tie-in with Google. That and the fact that most people who eat KitKats do so while they are sitting around all day watching cat videos on YouTube.

A survey says that 19% of Americans over 65 have no teeth at all. Which means if you want to hear a lot of whistling just step into a Social Security office in Alabama.

A study says that people who quit smoking when they have angioplasty have better outcomes. Although not quite as good as the people who never needed angioplasty because they don’t smoke.

A study says the western mountain states have a high suicide rate possibly because of the thinner air. Either that or because there are plenty of mountains around for depressed people to jump off.

A study says a two minute walk every hour offsets the effects of sitting all day. Except for the people who use their two minutes to walk back and forth to the refrigerator.

A report says that a half million Americans take home at least $50,000 in prescription drugs every year. Half of that amount is for their illnesses, the other half for medication for the depression they suffer from spending all their money at the pharmacy.

A study says that poor sleep is tied to heat fatigue. Mostly from tossing and turning wondering how they are going to get enough money to be able to turn the air conditioner back on.

A study says that long-term depression over the age of 50 can double the risk of having a stroke. Mostly from people who are over age 50 and worry about losing their job and health insurance and going bankrupt if they have a stroke.

A study says that a quarter of elderly Americans use a cane and have a greater fear they will cause them to fall. Especially the ones who lose their balance when they use their canes to swing at the kids who are playing on their lawn.

“America’s Got Talent” host Nick Cannon says as a child he wanted to go into the armed forces. Now he wishes more than ever he had training in hand-to-hand combat when it came to working with David Hasselhoff, Sharon Osbourne and Howard Stern.

Jennifer Aniston says she hated the Rachel haircut she had while on “Friends,” saying it was hard to maintain. But not as much as having six divas starring on the same show who were constantly looking for more camera time than their co-stars.

A report says there is no consensus among NBA GMs to change the “Hack-a-Shaq” rules about fouling players who are poor free throw shooters. A better question would be how does anyone who can’t make a free throw make it into the NBA in the first place?

UAB is reportedly going to decide what to do about their football program, having eliminated it last year. Apparently the administration realizes that having a football team was the only way to get anyone to enroll without fully checking into the school’s academic status.

UAB is reportedly going to decide what to do about their football program, having eliminated it last year along with the rifle and bowling team. Although there was some confusion about the other two sports. In Alabama, aren’t bowling and rifle pretty much a combined activity?

The NFL is reportedly considering three proposed changes to the extra point rule. Which the management of the Raiders is saying they have no input since none of them would actually ever apply to their team.

The NCAA says attendance is down across the board for college football. Mostly from students who figure by putting the money they would be spending away for their tuition, they will be able to have a chance to pay off their student loans before they are 50.

The Catholic Church in San Francisco is using a digital collection plate so people can make their donations using their smartphones. Apparently the Church came up with the idea after seeing how people were pretty much making daily posts on Facebook their version of going to confession.

The Catholic Church in San Francisco is using a digital collection plate so people can make their donations using their smartphones. Apparently the Church decided to get involved after seeing how parishioners were already tithing every month to Verizon, Sprint and AT&T.

The FAA says that Washington, D.C. is a no drone zone. Apparently none of the administration officials at the FAA have ever made it to a congressional hearing.

An Apple store in Monterey, California was evacuated after a package sickened employees. The last time an Apple package made anyone sick was when the executives at Microsoft got their first shipment of iPhones.

Scientists say they are working on a circuit that mimics the human brain to be used to help computers learn. Which means if it is modeled after a man’s brain it will take a fraction of a second to be able to access millions of online porn sites.

A poll says that the approval rate of Congress is still near historic lows at 19%. Which is good news because imagine how much people would hate them if they got over their gridlock and were actually able to get anything accomplished?

That’s it for now. Oh Faithful Readers! Only two days left until the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk. I am involved because the illness took my lovely wife, Karen four years ago and I want to make it possible to find a cure so that the people who are still fighting it have a chance for a long and healthy life. I am asking you to click on the picture of me and Karen which will take you to the CFF website. Any donation you make will be very much appreciated. This could be your way to show you really want to send the love!