Sunday, July 23, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Sean Spicer has resigned as White House Press Secretary. Apparently too much Spicer was giving Donald Trump indigestion.

Police in Washington, D.C. arrested a man who tried to rob three banks in 30 minutes. People were shocked. He was able to get service at more than one bank in less than a half hour?

The ratings for O.J. Simpson’s parole hearing were a dud, picking up only 13.5 Million viewers. Which is bad news for O.J. because he saw the hearing not just as a way to get out of prison but more importantly as an audition for a reality TV show.

The ratings for O.J. Simpson’s parole hearing were a dud, picking up only 13.5 Million viewers. Mostly because it lasted a long time, had too many questions from the parole board and didn’t even feature O.J. trying to kill anyone.

The ratings for O.J. Simpson’s parole hearing were a dud, picking up only 13.5 Million viewers. The good news is he scored high in the demographic of 18-35 year old women who would like to date a celebrity who may try to murder them.

A report says the Democratic National Committee finished June with a $3.3 Million deficit. The good news is that the politicians at least are running their own business the same way as they do for the country.

New Jersey has raised the smoking age up to 21. The feeling is, if younger people there want to breathe in smoke they should just move to Newark.

New Jersey has raised the smoking age up to 21. Not only that, with Chris Christie as Governor younger people can’t even go to New York to buy them because all the bridges have been shut down.

A study says worrying about being out of shape can cut a person’s lifespan. But looking at how fat we have become, the question is who’s worrying?

The artistic director at the Royal Shakespeare Company says the Bard may have been gay. That’s no surprise for anyone who has seen the collar he chose to wear in all his portraits.

The artistic director at the Royal Shakespeare Company says the Bard may have been gay. And who would know better than a man who set his sites on becoming the artistic director at the Royal Shakespeare Company?

The artistic director at the Royal Shakespeare Company says the Bard may have been gay. The first clue was an early manuscript of the play originally titled “Romeo and Julio.”

A report says more than half of all female murder victims are killed as a result of romantic partner violence. Which makes it important for O.J. Simpson to be released from prison so he can finally track down those real killers.

Recent heavy rains have made for a mini-gold rush in Northern California. Which would be no big deal in Southern California where the real money is still in selling a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima for $850,000.

Justin Bieber has been banned in China to “purify the nation.” Also because most people there don’t know who he is as his videos can’t be accessed on the nation’s five government allowed web pages.

Justin Bieber has been banned in China to “purify the nation.” How bad is he to be considered impure in a country that is good with serving fox and donkey meat, has no breathable air and allows 5 year olds to work in factories?

Hungary says it will protect Poland, which is moving to give politicians influence over their Supreme Court. To which Donald Trump is saying “And that problem with that is…?”

Donald Trump is reportedly considering pardoning several people in his administration. Mostly so he doesn’t have to go through a lengthy process to actually prove his claims that he has done nothing wrong.

Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner has amended financial forms to list 77 pieces of property that were “inadvertently omitted” before. Even John McCain is asking how many homes this guy owns.

Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner has amended financial forms to list 77 pieces of property that were “inadvertently omitted” before. Apparently he is using the old Steve Martin routine where he claims the defense of “I forgot!”

Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner has amended financial forms to list 77 pieces of property that were “inadvertently omitted” before. How wealthy are you that 77 properties worth $10 Million just somehow slips your mind?

Hawaii is launching a program to help residents and visitors prepare for a nuclear attack. Which apparently calls for them to add about another 16 layers of sunscreen.

Hawaii is launching a program to help residents and visitors prepare for a nuclear attack. Although most people there feel living through a nuclear attack in Hawaii is still better than being stuck on any other day in Wyoming.

Madame Tussauds’ wax figure of Beyonce was adjusted after complaints of how it looked. Apparently fans felt the wax replica couldn’t hold a candle to the real thing.

A judge has approved an $11.2 Million settlement between hookup site Ashley Madison and its users over a 2015 data breach. Apparently it is to make up for the loss of half of everything the members owned after their wives found out.

The State Department says it will ban travel by Americans to North Korea. That is bad news for the three people who actually think it would be a good place to visit.

The State Department says it will ban travel by Americans to North Korea. The good news is that instead they will offer the people thinking of going there counseling to help them cope with their insanity.

A report says GM may eliminate six cars from its lineup, three Chevys, two Cadillacs and one Buick. People were surprised at the news. They are still making Buicks?

A report says GM may eliminate six cars from its lineup, three Chevys, two Cadillacs and one Buick. Mostly as a time saver since by the time they are done with all the recalls those cars have pretty much been built from the ground up twice.

NASA is working to prevent disastrous battery fires in space. Which mostly means banning astronauts from taking along any phones made by Samsung.

A company in India says it has developed an inexpensive web-enabled mobile phone for the masses. Which is great news for all the people in India who can have another phone stuck to their ear after working at a tech support call center all day.

A company in India says it has developed an inexpensive web-enabled mobile phone for the masses. That could result in lower wireless prices even in the U.S. where providers may have to cut prices from obscene down to just ridiculous.

Digital currency Bitcoin has averted a split into two different currencies. Right now its legitimacy falls somewhere between a wooden nickel and two-headed quarter.

Passengers on Delta Airlines can now use their fingerprints for a boarding pass. While special provisions have been made so Ann Coulter can instead just show her Adam’s apple.

Passengers on Delta Airlines can now use their fingerprints for a boarding pass. As opposed to United Airlines where workers often show customers a close up of the prints on their middle finger.

Passengers on Delta Airlines can now use their fingerprints for a boarding pass. Over on United Airlines, customers can instead just show the identifying bruises and contusions from the last time they were dragged off their flight.

A study says drinking sugary sodas along with a burger or fried chicken can prime the body for packing on more pounds. Mostly from drinking a sugary soda to wash down a burger and fried chicken.

A study says many people being treated for Alzheimer’s Disease may not have it. Instead they were mistakenly sent for treatment by their doctor who does have it.

A study says 20% of adults have mental illness or a drug problem. The question is what is the excuse of the other 16% of people who still support Donald Trump?

A study says 20% of adults have mental illness or a drug problem. Which is good news in that it means the other 80% have since recovered from their teen years.

A study says 20% of adults have mental illness or a drug problem, with New Jersey having the lowest rate. Mostly because residents are considered normal compared to Chris Christie, the cast of “Jersey Shore” and anyone living in Atlantic City.

A study says 20% of adults have mental illness or a drug problem, with New Jersey having the lowest rate. Mostly because Jersey residents have learned to deal with any conflicts or problems by saying “What are you looking at?”

Michael Phelps says he was “safe” during his Shark Week race with a Great White shark, saying they were not in the water at the same exact time. Meaning the shark was off the coast of Australia while Phelps was taking laps in a pool in Beverly Hills.

The NFL says O.J. Simpson is “welcome” to attend future Hall of Fame inductions as a member. Although having O.J. around could quickly change “Hall of Fame” into “Chamber of Horrors.”

The NFL says O.J. Simpson is “welcome” to attend future Hall of Fame inductions as a member. Which is ironic as new members are enshrined with a bust which is a stature where the head is removed from the body.

The NFL says O.J. Simpson is “welcome” to attend future Hall of Fame inductions as a member. Not only that, serving his prison sentence in Nevada now means O.J. can officially retire from the league as a Raider.

Branden Grace shot a 62 at the British Open, the lowest round ever at any Major. Which is nothing compared with Jon Rahm who could shoot a 58 every time if he could only get all his other penalty shots overturned.

Former Carolina Panthers tackle Michael Oher is being sued by an Uber driver for assault. No one even knew that Oher was up for the company’s CEO.

Former Carolina Panthers tackle Michael Oher is being sued by an Uber driver for assault. Apparently he was upset that the only place someone his size can fit into a Prius is riding around in the trunk.

Tech giants are reportedly spending record amounts lobbying under the Trump Administration. Mostly because they can only hope he does for them what he has already done with all the publicity he has generated for the people at Twitter.

A report says all the plastic ever made is equal to the weight of a billion elephants. Which doesn’t sound so bad now that the plastic is being recycled as the primary food source to all sea birds and marine life.

A report says Hollywood is using social causes to sell movie tickets. Which explains why box office receipts have slipped so much from the days when they just used good old fashioned sex to get people into the theaters.

Steve Jobs life has been set to an opera. It’s the one that isn’t over until the nerd in glasses, khakis and a Polo shirt sings.

Lyft is planning to launch self-driving car rides by the end of the year. Although many people prefer Uber for the experience of getting to their destination while also still being able to abuse the driver.

A bag of NASA Moon dust sold at auction for $1.8 Million. Although it might have a higher street value since that is the dust that gave Edwin Aldrin, Jr. his nickname of “Buzz.”

A bag of NASA Moon dust sold at auction for $1.8 Million. Which is nice to see NASA is recouping a small fraction of the $25 Billion it cost to send our astronauts there.

Elon Musk says the new SpaceX rocket may crash on its first flight. To which NASA is saying “Tell us about it.”

Sean Spicer ripped the “malicious” skits portraying him on “Saturday Night Live.” Although if SNL really wanted to air some malicious TV they would have just shown some of Spicer’s news conferences.

Vladimir Putin is questioning the need for people to hide behind online pseudonyms. Mostly because he hates how it makes it more difficult when people criticize him to find them to throw in jail or execute.

Donald Trump says the newly commissioned aircraft carrier USS Gerald R. Ford is a “100,000 ton message to the world.” Although being named after President Ford, it was just lucky during the christening the ship didn’t fall off the slipway.

Donald Trump has named a temporary ethics chief. Mostly because any attempt at ethics in this administration is pretty much just temporary.

Donald Trump has named former Goldman Sachs financier Anthony Scaramucci as his new Communications Director. Mostly because the only communications Trump ever needs is having a direct line to Wall Street.

The ousted voice of Kermit the Frog, Steve Whitmire says he fears Disney could “destroy” the iconic character. Apparently he is worried that the conservative Disney organization is going alt-right and thinking of replacing Kermit with Pepe.

McDonald’s is coming out with a new line of clothing. It’s the one that features apparel that caters to McDonald’s customers by starting at size XXXL.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am taking a couple of days off my real job for some R&R. Which as you all know means railroad. But not to worry, I will still be around cranking out the jokes as usual. Just because I get some time off doesn’t mean you get a break as well. I just want to thank you all for checking out the site. Feel free any time to get in touch with me, the best way being e-mail at jimbarach@hotmail.com. I love to hear from you and it always makes me feel good, especially when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!


Friday, July 21, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

O.J. Simpson was granted parole and will be released in October. He told the hearing he was “no danger to pull a gun on anybody.” Although using a knife to cut two people’s heads off might still be on the table.

O.J. Simpson was granted parole and will be released in October. People are worried of the repercussions. Not with O.J., he’s 70. They are scared it may bring back Marcia Clark, Judge Ito and Kato Kaelin.

O.J. Simpson was granted parole and will be released in October. The good news is for costume companies and stores who will be making a fortune this year as O.J. will be let back into society right before Halloween.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions says he has no plans to resign despite a public rebuke from Donald Trump. There hasn’t been this much tension caused by someone with Trump since Omarosa was on “The Apprentice.”

A survey says one in eight people who voted for Trump are having second thoughts. Which is pretty good considering with most other elected officials that number is more like seven or all eight.

A report says 37% of U.S. households are renting, the most since 1965. What’s worse is that the other 63% are trying to claim the property they are living in by squatting in abandoned houses.

New York City says it is illegal to dog sit without a license. To which the dogs are claiming victory, saying if they have to have a license so should humans.

Elon Musk says the first passengers on SpaceX rockets need to be “brave.” In other words, the first few flights should be limited to people who have already taken rides on Amtrak, United Airlines and Uber.

Reports say that O.J. Simpson has already been approached for shows on reality TV. Which would take people right back to 1995 only this time it will be on a channel other than Court TV.

Jared Kushner will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee next week. The irony in all this is that any of the Trump Administration’s dealings fall under “intelligence.”

A study says positive thinking can extend a person’s lifespan and cut their risk of early death by 71%. The other 29% is for people who have positive thoughts but at the same time are sitting at the table with a Big Mac in their hands.

Inmates in Tennessee are being given reduced jail time if they agree to have a vasectomy. The bad part is that the operation is performed by their cellmate using a shiv.

A Michigan woman was convicted of murdering her husband after their parrot repeated the phrase “don’t shoot!” The woman is now suing the pet store saying she asked to buy a parrot and was instead given a stool pigeon.

A Michigan woman was convicted of murdering her husband after their parrot repeated the phrase “don’t shoot!” Which shows that if you are planning to kill your spouse and want to buy them a pet, it’s a lot safer to just go with a goldfish.

O.J. Simpson at his parole hearing says “Of course I would like to get the property” as his reason for committing the robbery that sent him to prison. Which is ironically exactly the same thing he said before he killed his wife Nicole.

A New Mexico boy tripped over a 1.2 Million year old fossil during a hike. What Larry King was doing lying down on a hiking trail in New Mexico nobody knows.

A report says major company CEOs made 271 times the salary of the typical U.S. worker in 2016. Which can be figured out for most companies by multiplying 271 times the minimum wage.

A report says major company CEOs made 271 times the salary of the typical U.S. worker in 2016. Which the executives justify by saying it is their job to get their employees to do 271 times the work they did in 2015.

Chris Christie is warning he will take action if New Jersey transit workers don’t show up for their jobs. Although he says he couldn’t care less if the train engineers miss their shift, he is just concerned about the station cafeteria workers.

Exxon was fined $2 Million for “reckless disregard” of sanctions against Russia under Rex Tillerson. Which is exactly why Donald Trump decided Tillerson would make the perfect Secretary of State.

Exxon was fined $2 Million for “reckless disregard” of sanctions against Russia under Rex Tillerson. Which is no surprise with the company’s reckless disregard for the price of gasoline, executives’ pay and destruction of the environment.

A new needle grinder is said to mash up medical waste including hypodermic needles in less than an hour. Which is great news for hospitals, drug rehabs and Major League Baseball locker rooms.

Twitter is releasing data showing their progress on cutting down on abuse and bad behavior by users. Although they refuse to take the action that would cut out 90% of the abuse of closing down the account of Donald Trump.

A Swiss banker has pleaded guilty of helping Americans avoid paying taxes. That is the job. If he wants to cut the tax bill for his wealthy clients he should do it legally by running for Congress.

Joon, a new airline run by Air France is aimed at Millennial passengers who are digitally connected and extremely entitled. Which makes them perfect for the airline as they are the only clientele who are as rude as the French flight attendants.

A Texas company has recalled coffee that has a Viagra-like ingredient. Apparently that isn’t what people had in mind when they pour a cup of morning coffee to make them rise and shine.

A Texas company has recalled coffee that has a Viagra-like ingredient. And people thought when it comes to coffee that their monthly bill from Starbucks was stiff.

A study says happiness can improve people’s health. Mostly because the most common reason for being happy is knowing there is enough money in the bank account to cover the cost of going to see the doctor.

Doctors say one third of dementia cases could be prevented. Mostly by people dying from the effects of becoming morbidly obese before they get old enough for their mind to give out.

A study says too much time at work can lead to an irregular heart rhythm. Mostly because they longer they are in the office, the more stress of trying to hide from the boss to keep from being fired.

A study says even gaining a little weight can increase the chance of developing heart problems. Especially when the little gain in weight is going from 350 to 370 pounds.

A study says even gaining a little weight can increase the chance of developing heart problems. Mostly the heart attack that is caused when realizing how much it will cost to replace an entire wardrobe from going up another two sizes.

A poll says Americans back higher insurance rates for smokers but not people who are overweight. Which means it’s still OK to eat that seven course meal, but just don’t light up that cigarette when you are done.

A poll says Americans back higher insurance rates for smokers but not people who are overweight. Mostly because people feel like they can quit smoking, but they will have to come pry that cannoli out of their cold, dead hands.

Johnny Depp’s extravagant spending habits were detailed in court documents, which included $7,000 for a Kim Kardashian couch for his daughter. He could be the first person in the history of bankruptcy court to qualify to make an insanity plea.

Steve Whitmire, the former voice of Kermit the Frog says he was fired for being “too outspoken.” Isn’t that pretty much his job description?

Kylie Jenner met her Madame Tussauds wax figure recently. The good news is that they hit it off right away since they are only three IQ points apart.

Kylie Jenner met her Madame Tussauds wax figure recently. To which Jenner was surprised, as she was expecting her wax to be Brazilian.

Ryan Seacrest says he will be back as host for the reboot of “American Idol.” Apparently he felt it would be nostalgic for fans, would put him back on prime time and that things must not be going so well with Kelly Ripa.

A report says a wrestling match between O.J. Simpson and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper was set to take place six months after Simpson’s acquittal. Although O.J. had to beg off because he instead needed the time to look for the real killers.

A report says a wrestling match between O.J. Simpson and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper was set to take place six months after Simpson’s acquittal. Piper was OK with being hit in the back with a chair, but drew a line at letting O.J. bring his knife into the ring.

Dean Unglert says he is “not emotionally mature enough” to become the next star of “The Bachelor.” Which is like someone saying they aren’t smart enough to join the cast of “The Kardashians.”

Cleveland Browns coach Hue Jackson is launching a foundation to combat human trafficking. The first victims include all the people who have ever been drafted by the Cleveland Browns.

Cleveland Browns coach Hue Jackson is launching a foundation to combat human trafficking. Although he is willing to make an exception in the case of Johnny Manziel.

Hugh Freeze has resigned as head football coach of Ole Miss after he was caught using school phones to call an escort service. Unfortunately that resulted in Freeze being left out in the cold.

Hugh Freeze has resigned as head football coach of Ole Miss after he was caught using school phones to call an escort service. The weird part is that Hugh Freeze would make a great onscreen name for a porn star.

A member of O.J. Simpson’s parole board came to the hearing wearing a Kansas City Chiefs tie. Apparently his Buffalo Bills and San Francisco 49ers ties didn’t match the color of his jacket.

Golfer Jon Rahm was assessed a two stroke penalty in the British open that was reversed because he didn’t fully understand the rule. Which explains how he won the Irish Open with 17 clubs in his bag.

Golfer Jon Rahm was assessed a two stroke penalty in the British open that was reversed because he didn’t fully understand the rule. Although it is still under review by officials of his play on the 12th hole when he escaped the rough using a foot wedge.

Elon Musk says he will build a hyperloop from New York City to Wahington, D.C. that will cut travel to 29 minutes. Mostly because he knows Melania Trump will want to buy one for herself to keep from having to move into the White House.

A Burundi teenage robotics team is missing after a competition in Washington, D.C. Apparently they were embarrassed that the most modern idea for robotics coming out of Burundi is a catapult.

A Burundi teenage robotics team is missing after a competition in Washington, D.C. Apparently they are involved with a production studio in making a new Saturday morning cartoon called “Teenage Burundi Robotic Turtles.”

A report says Google searches are being used to track infectious diseases. Mostly by just following reports of where Paris Hilton was last seen going clubbing.

Harvard students are partnering with the U.S. government to address the digital skills gap in the country. Which is perfect as it is a match between the group that started Facebook alongside the people who came up with the Obamacare website.

Smartphone maker OnePlus says a glitch prevented people from being able to make 911 emergency calls. Which is no big deal anymore as people with a smartphone only call 911 when they are done shooting video of the accident, fire or shooting.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, O.J. is going to be released from prison. Fortunately, that won’t happen until October which gives all the residents of Brentwood a few weeks to sell their homes and move far away. The question being asked is where were you during the slow speed chase in 1994? If you say you were on an overpass of the 405 Freeway waving at the white Ford Bronco as it went by, you were and probably still are a complete moron. And that is one reason I moved out of California. But no matter where I hang my hat, I always feel right at home when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



Thursday, July 20, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Playwright Tony Kushner says he is writing a play about “borderline psychotic” Donald Trump. Meaning Trump goes psychotic every time he thinks about all the people getting into the U.S. by sneaking across the Mexican border line.

Playwright Tony Kushner says he is writing a play about “borderline psychotic” Donald Trump. To which Democrats are saying it is just poetic license to use the term “borderline.”

A report says 5 of the 10 wealthiest counties in the U.S. are in the Washington, D.C. Metro area. Mostly because two of those counties are where the politicians live, the other three being home to the lobbyists.

A poll says Americans don’t trust billionaires. Mostly because those consist of sports franchise owners, oil company CEOs and Donald Trump.

A Florida doctor says he plans to bring the brain dead back to life. Although that is nothing new to anyone who has ever watched more than a few episodes of “The Kardashians.”

A Virginia man has been sentenced to 132 years for stealing tires. The time will be broken up by spending a few years at once prison after which he will be rotated.

A Virginia man has been sentenced to 132 years for stealing tires. He says it has not been a Goodyear.

A Thai dog traveled all the way to the U.S. for life saving heart surgery. Which at least gives people a clue as to what changes they can expect when Donald Trump’s health care plan becomes law.

A Thai dog traveled all the way to the U.S. for life saving heart surgery. His owner will take the dog back to Thailand where it will recover and then be served as lunch.

An eight hour slow-motion film about sheep is being called the dullest movie ever. Until now, eight hours of dull moviemaking was called an Adam Sandler film festival.

Silicon Valley celebrities are supporting a guaranteed minimum income for everyone. Mostly to boost Silicon Valley business by giving them enough money to sit at home all day staring at a computer screen.

Silicon Valley celebrities are supporting a guaranteed minimum income for everyone. Which is coming from people who say a minimum livable wage is somewhere around $3 Million a year.

A study says Americans are having less sex than they were 20 years ago. Mostly because the people taking the survey have been married another 20 years by now.

A study says Americans are having less sex than they were 20 years ago. Mostly because since the invention of smartphone, people can’t even talk to each other let alone take it any further than conversation.

A five year old West Virginia boy drove his family’s car three miles before crashing. The good news is that at least he made it two miles farther than Lindsay Lohan.

A 97 year old Swedish woman caught fire during surgery. Apparently the operation wasn’t going well and doctors decided to just cut out the middle man and go with cremation.

The chief military office of France has resigned over a dispute of funding. Apparently he was worried that an increase in spending may mean it would have to be justified by making French soldiers actually have to go into combat somewhere.

A group is calling for the U.N. to protect the lunar landing sites. The question is, are they really in danger of someone actually going there and disturbing them?

Donald Trump says Republican Senators should postpone their summer holiday until they repeal Obamacare. To which the Senators are what about their autumn time off for fundraising, Thanksgiving, Christmas and January breaks?

Donald Trump says Republican Senators should postpone their summer holiday until they repeal Obamacare. To which members of Congress are saying “That’s what happens when people try to elect an outsider.”

The WHO says the tobacco industry is hampering efforts to encourage people around the world to stop smoking. Imagine that. It’s the same reason TV networks don’t want to be forced to show educational programming.

The WHO says the tobacco industry is hampering efforts to encourage people around the world to stop smoking. That’s understandable and the same reason you don’t see exercise posters on the walls whey you go to McDonald’s.

The LPGA’s new dress code is sparking debate, calling for a ban of plunging necklines, leggings and short skirts. The problem is what gets them on the course during the day won’t get them past the club bouncer at night.

The LPGA’s new dress code is sparking debate, calling for a ban of plunging necklines, leggings and short skirts. Fortunately those restrictions have not found their way yet over to the men’s tour.

The LPGA’s new dress code is sparking debate, calling for a ban of plunging necklines, leggings and short skirts. As opposed to the old days on the LPGA Tour when the standard outfit was jeans, boots and a plaid wool shirt.

A report says Takata may need to recall millions of vehicles that have already been recalled for faulty airbags. Which means they could be facing a lawsuit for stealing the business model of GM.

A report says the Senate health care bill will result in health insurance policies with $12,000 deductibles. Which won’t be used up until a patient is put into the hospital and given two aspirin.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has ordered the Justice Department to resume asset seizures by local police even without being charged with a crime. To which there is already criticism from the IRS who is saying “We thought of it first!”

Colorado has already taken in a half billion dollars in taxes and fees since pot was legalized. The only problem is the people in charge of the marijuana industry can’t remember where they put it.

Colorado has already taken in a half billion dollars in taxes and fees since pot was legalized. That doesn’t even come close to the sales tax money generated by ancillary industries like pizzerias, donut shops and cookie stores.

A study says women working in restaurants like Hooters are more likely to have anxiety and eating disorders. The anxiety mostly comes from the fear of their friends finding out they are working at Hooters.

A study says women working in restaurants like Hooters are more likely to have anxiety and eating disorders. Mostly from knowing if they eat any of the Hooters food, they will end up becoming too fat to work at Hooters.

A poll says if Mark Zuckerberg runs for President against Donald Trump in 2020, both would end up with 40% of the vote with 20% undecided. Or as Trump would call those results, “a mandate from the people in a landslide win.”

Facebook is working to charge users for news articles read and shared over the social network. Mostly because they feel that the authors should get paid for their work, especially since most of it falls under the fiction genre.

United Airlines says it can beat Frontier Airlines, which is starting a new network of routes out of Denver. United says they will win with their new strategy of instead dragging passengers onto their planes.

Chipotle has reopened its Virginia restaurant where several people were sickened with the norovirus. The good news is that Chipotle has signed on to be the official food preparer on all Carnival cruise ships.

The Dodgers are soliciting sponsorship offers for naming rights to their field but will keep the ballpark name Dodger Stadium. The most likely is Kelly Temp Workers which appeals to fans who arrive in the third inning and leave in the sixth.

The Dodgers are soliciting sponsorship offers for naming rights to their field but will keep the ballpark name Dodger Stadium. That’s like the Oakland A’s ballpark that sold sponsorship of their leaky dugouts to Roto-Rooter.

A study says people who take care of their hearts in their 20s have better brain health in middle age. Which is good news for all three of the people they found who actually qualified for the study.

A poll says Americans want lawmakers from both parties to work out changes in the health care plan. They also to marry a movie star, travel to the Moon and win $400 Million in the lottery.

A survey says 45% of Americans have smoked marijuana in the past. The other 55% couldn’t take part in the poll because they just finished their third bong hit of the day.

House Republican Dennis Ross of Florida says the Senate has “failed the American people” by not repealing Obamacare. As opposed to any other ways of failing the American people, say by taking away their health care plan.

A survey says beer is the preferred alcoholic beverage in the U.S., favored by 40% of the men. The other 60% would rather have ale, bock, porter, lager…

Actress Amanda Seyfried says she took antidepressants while she was pregnant. Apparently she wanted to get a head start and not be like most parents who wait until the child becomes a teenager.

Emily Ratajkowski says embracing her sexuality was empowering. Meaning that she made a ton of money the minute she started taking off her clothes.

“Despacito” has become the most streamed song of all time. Which means there are millions of people who want to hear it just as it doesn’t cost them any money.

A report says four matches at Wimbledon and the French Open were flagged for unusual betting patterns. Mostly that people were actually willing to wager on a tennis match.

A report says four matches at Wimbledon and the French Open were flagged for unusual betting patterns. Which apparently happened because Serena Williams wasn’t playing and they weren’t used to wagers on any other women.

Oscar De La Hoya says Floyd Mayweather is “not good for boxing.” Although if the sport can survive Don King, it can pretty much make it through anything.

Oscar De La Hoya says Floyd Mayweather is “not good for boxing.” On the other hand, there could be a case made that boxing isn’t very good for boxing.

Bartolo Colon is reportedly considering retirement. The question is, how is a 44 year old pitcher with an 8.19 ERA still being paid to take the mound in the first place?

Bartolo Colon is reportedly considering retirement. He’s 44 years old with an 8.19 ERA. That’s like saying Hillary Clinton is considering retirement from politics.

Bartolo Colon is reportedly considering retirement. He’s 44 years old with an 8.19 ERA. That’s like saying Lindsay Lohan is considering retiring from acting.

Hackers reportedly tried to access data from a casino through a fish tank connected to the Internet. Apparently the fish liked horror movies and wanted to be able to access the Discovery Channel during Shark Week.

Hackers reportedly tried to access data from a casino through a fish tank connected to the Internet. Apparently they gave up when they head the casino was run by mobsters but it was actually that the aquarium was run by lobsters.

Apple reportedly wants to change the way doctors talk to patients by giving everyone an iPad. Which is ironic in that iPads are part of the reason people stopped talking to each other years ago.

Researchers say they may have discovered the tomb of King Tut’s wife. Asked if it was a rare find, they said it was very Tut-Uncommon.

A report says cybercriminals can take a course on stealing credit cards offered on the deep web for a fee of $945. The worst part is when the people taking the course find out the first lesson is never pay for a course like that with their Visa.

A survey of 10,000 kids and young adults 12-20 says cyberbullying is widespread. Although the people being polled say being bullied is far less annoying and time consuming than having to take part in an online survey.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today marks six months of the Donald Trump presidency. I have to give extreme thanks to the administration for making my job so much easier. Seriously, a lot of material just sort of falls out of the sky into my lap these days. Sometimes the worse things get, the better they get. A door closes and a window opens. Just three and a half more years of this and we will probably elect someone worse. Never underestimate what the American voter is capable of doing next. All I can say is that this country can make it through anything, and I am reassured of that when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!