Friday, February 24, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study says obsession with social media is hurting the mental health of Americans. But so far, mostly just the ones who follow Donald Trump every day on Twitter.

A study says obsession with social media is hurting the mental health of Americans, with half saying they check their smartphones constantly. Mostly because that and text messaging is the only way they can actually ever have a chance at communicating with their kids.

A report says New York prison inmates spend their time texting, gaming and streaming behind bars. Corrections purists are concerned it could do away with the inmate craft of fashioning shivs to use on cellblock informants.

Donald Trump reportedly has an open door policy in the Oval Office for his staff. Apparently he got the idea after seeing the Secret Service working with an open door policy when it comes to the White House gates and front door.

A study says chronic stress is linked to a large belly. And vice versa, when fat people are worried if they stretch their pants too far the button may fly off and hit someone in the eye.

Researchers claim they have developed a formula that when injected can give women better orgasms. Don’t we already have that? It’s called “alcohol.”

A federal judge in Ft. Collins, Colorado says the city can’t enforce a ban on women going topless. Which gives a whole new meaning when men say they are going to go out and look at some of the local mountain peaks.

A federal judge in Ft. Collins, Colorado says the city can’t enforce a ban on women going topless. Which at least makes up some for having to look at all the men who insist on walking around without a shirt.

A report says UFO sightings are at an all time high. Which is probably not a coincidence that it happens right after several states legalize recreational marijuana.

The Arctic “doomsday” seed vault has just received 50,000 new seed deposits to safeguard against disasters wiping out the world’s food supply. Although it turns out the latest donations are just different strains of now legalized pot.

The Arctic “doomsday” seed vault has just received 50,000 new seed deposits to safeguard against disasters wiping out the world’s food supply. They just have to be careful when calling for seed donations not to confuse people into thinking it’s a sperm bank.

Mexico’s foreign minister vented his “irritation” with Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. Which is a good start as that is the nicest thing Mexico has said about the U.S. since Donald Trump’s inauguration.

A report says manatees may be taken off the endangered list. Fortunately for the aquatic mammals, they aren’t as tasty as halibut.

Russia is denying allegations they were involved in a failed coup in Montenegro. They chided the world press, saying they should leave the fake news reporting to the experts in the Kremlin.

A study says having a roommate can save Millennials 13% of their income. To which most Millennials point out they can save 100% of their income by staying where they are in their parents’ basement.

Coco-Cola says it supports WHO guidelines limiting added sugar. The only problem is that they will ignore then since they support their shareholders and profit margin just a little bit more.

Coco-Cola says it supports WHO guidelines limiting added sugar. But they won’t change a thing as they also support contributing towards the success of the American Dental Association.

The New York Times will air its first TV ad in seven years during the Oscars on Sunday in a commercial about truth. The reason they have chosen to go with the TV spot is because no one would see it if they printed it in a newspaper.

The New York Times will air its first TV ad in seven years during the Oscars on Sunday in a commercial about truth. Although if the Academy Awards was interested in the truth, they would have taken back the Oscar they gave to “The Artist” for Best Picture years ago.

The New York Times will air its first TV ad in seven years during the Oscars on Sunday in a commercial about truth. Apparently they picked the Academy Awards because they think the truth is only really important to white people.

A study says more Americans are feeling positive about China than they have in the past three decades. Mostly because since Donald Trump was elected President everyone is now scared to death of what the Russians are going to do.

A study says more Americans are feeling positive about China than they have in the past three decades. Mostly because without that “Made in China” label, half of everything we own would completely cease to exist.

A study says five servings of fruit and vegetables a day can lead to a longer life. To which most Americans are already complying if you count the vegetables on top of their pizza and the fruit used in making their wine.

Studies show that forgiveness can save lives. Just ask any inmate on death row waiting for that last minute reprieve.

Studies show that forgiveness can save lives. Especially for men whose wives catch them sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 in the morning.

Studies show that forgiveness can save lives. The problem is being able to be that understanding towards neighbors, friends and relatives who voted for Donald Trump.

A study says it is healthy to cry over TV shows. Especially for people who realize they just wasted a half hour of their life watching “Two Broke Girls,” “The Kardashians” or “Teen Mom 2.”

A study says two thirds of all people getting prescriptions to treat opioid addiction are also receiving more opioids during and after treatment. Apparently even rehab centers base their success on being able to generate repeat customers.

A study says it’s not excess weight that can be deadly for older women but where it collects. It can be even more deadly for their husbands when they tell them it is collecting on their backside.

A study says heartburn drugs are associated with the risk of kidney damage. Whichever pharmaceutical company is making those drugs needs to give a whole new anatomy chart to their R&D department.

A study says heartburn drugs are associated with the risk of kidney damage. What’s even worse is when they are prescribed along with Carter’s Little Liver Pills.

A study says smartphones are stressing out Americans. Especially the people who are forking out $200 a month for a plan with AT&T that hasn’t let them go without being dropped in the middle of a phone call for the past three years.

A study says smartphones are stressing out Americans. Especially men who know it will cost them half of what they own if their wife ever figures out how to unlock their text messages.

A study says smart teens are the most likely to smoke pot. Which is good news for the parents who can now brag to their friends when they see their kids passed out on the couch covered in pizza sauce.

A study says smart teens are the most likely to smoke pot. Mostly because they are the ones who are able to figure out where their parents are hiding their stash.

Robin Thicke’s ex-wife is accusing him of tampering with evidence in their child custody case. What did he do, bring home the wrong kid?

Robin Thicke’s ex-wife is accusing him of tampering with evidence in their child custody case. Apparently the court documents were full of blurred lines.

A life-sized Kanye West statue was erected in L.A. Special permission had to be granted to build it in public view because at least as far as Kanye is concerned, it represents a religious work.

A life-sized Kanye West statue was erected in L.A. Although it is already generating complaints since it is life-sized and the head keeps blocking out the Sun.

The stars of TV’s “Flip or Flop” have put a hold on a self-help book called “Flip Your Life” in the wake of their impending divorce. Apparently the book may have to wait until they remarry other people and they can change the title to “Flip Your Wife.”

A poll says a majority of Donald Trump’s supporters don’t want politics to be brought up at the Oscars. They think angry rants have their proper place. Mostly on the POTUS Twitter account.

A poll says a majority of Donald Trump’s supporters don’t want politics to be brought up at the Oscars. Not because of their beliefs but so the show can be cut down from four hours to fifteen minutes.

Rihanna has been named Harvard’s Humanitarian of the Year. Mostly for not going out and buying a gun to shoot Chris Brown.

Rihanna has been named Harvard’s Humanitarian of the Year. Apparently there were no missionaries, first responders or traveling doctors who did any of their usual work this year.

Lance Armstrong’s $100 Million trial with the federal government is set for November. The good news is that if he loses, it’s not like he needs to have enough money to buy a car to get around.

H&R Block is using Artificial Intelligence from IBM’s Watson to help prepare tax returns. The problem is the only deductions Watson is recognizing is money spent on new modems, memory and optical drives.

Youtube has taken down video feed of a giraffe about to give birth because of “nudity.” The zoo claims it is too expensive to buy clothes for the animals. Have you ever tried to look up the price of just getting one a turtleneck sweater?

Google says it is developing Artificial Intelligence to end abusive online comments. Which could be done a lot easier by just eliminating the space where Facebook users can make comments.

Caitlyn Jenner says Donald Trump’s reversal of transgender bathroom guidelines “a disaster.” How bad is it when even someone from the Kardashian family is questioning your judgment?

A GOP congressman from Florida says Donald Trump should release his tax returns. To which Trump says he will just as soon as that audit is finished up sometime after the 2020 election.

A bill in the Illinois state legislature would create a Barack Obama Day. Republicans say they are in support of the measure, and have even come up with a day they feel would be perfect. February 29th.

The White House is promising greater enforcement of federal marijuana laws. Mostly because they have more time on their hands now that they have stopped enforcing any laws about banking,  labor or the environment.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has voiced support for private prisons. Mostly to make more room for any of the Senators who voted against him at his confirmation hearing.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has voiced support for private prisons. What better way for Americans to be able to invest in the future of this country than help bankroll where today’s teenagers will be spending most of their adult years?

President Trump says he is “not liking” recent military moves between North Korea and China. Mostly because if there is going to be another World War, he wants to be the one getting things started.

Mitch McConnell says he doesn’t see the press as the enemy. Mostly because he has a much bigger foe in all the hosts on late-night TV.

EPA chief Scott Pruitt is being sued by Oregon environmentalists. Political experts were surprised. They can’t believe that Pruitt made it through almost his entire first week on the job before being hauled into court.

Donald Trump tweeted that Chicago needs help because of recent violence. It’s just too bad that he isn’t in some sort of position of authority and leadership where he actually had the power to do something about it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! What a week it has been, I just keep cranking them out. 58 jokes for today, with four of them actually considered somewhat humorous. Not to brag, but the others while not laugh-generating are grammatically correct. So I’ve got that going for me. I am glad you keep checking out the blog, and I always get my reward when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



Thursday, February 23, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! Fros the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

MTV Senior Political Correspondent Ana Marie Cox admits she took part in anti-Trump protests. Although the last time anyone really took an MTV newscast seriously was when it was aired right after a John Cougar Mellencamp video.

A report says French presidential candidate Marine Le Pen is winning over women voters in France who feel left behind. Mostly because she is anti-Euro, anti-immigrant and apparently anti-razor.

A study says that men who exercise strenuously have lower libidos. Mostly because after getting into such great shape who wants to look at anyone else but the person in the mirror?

A study says that men who exercise strenuously have lower libidos. Which is good news for the men who don’t work out who save up enough energy to make it through three minutes of sex.

New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick may be called to testify in the murder case of Aaron Hernandez. Apparently the prosecution is counting on Belichick having some old hidden spy video showing Hernandez committing his crimes.

McDonald’s will cut the price of soda to a dollar to help pick up falling business. The chain will just have to deal with dropping their per drink profit down to 99 cents a cup.

A study says the life expectancy in some countries could hit 90 years by 2030. Which would be good news if that happens in the U.S. so that people could be assured of living long enough to pay off their college loans, credit cards and possibly retire.

A study says that 90% of people would not want to know what the future holds in store for them. Especially Americans who would just be happy to know if the country is going to make it through the next four years.

A poll says 60% of Americans can’t name one Oscar nominee for Best Picture. What’s even worse is that they can name the entire catalogue of movies made by Will Ferrell.

A poll says 66% of Trump supporters turn off awards shows when the acceptance speeches become political. Which means the networks should make sure to run just about all their commercials before the first statuette is handed out.

A poll says 66% of Trump supporters turn off awards shows when the acceptance speeches become political. Which means 34% of the viewers are still tuned in after the first three seconds.

The President of Iceland says he would ban pineapple as a pizza topping if he had the power. Which means in order to not be shown up, an executive order banning tropical fruit from any pizza will be signed this week by Donald Trump.

The President of Iceland says he would ban pineapple as a pizza topping if he had the power. Which is a pretty strange idea from someone leading a country that has no problem serving sour ram’s testicles, cod tongues and blood putting.

A police department in Massachusetts has ended their “High Five Friday” program at local schools as some children were uncomfortable with visits from the police. Especially inner city kids who think nothing good ever comes out of having the police tell them to raise their hands.

Budapest is dropping its bid for host city of the 2024 Olympics. Apparently officials just thought they weren’t Hungary enough.

Budapest is dropping its bid for host city of the 2024 Olympics. After seeing the other two still in the race were L.A. and Paris they felt they were pretty much they had about the same chance as running for President on the Libertarian ticket.

The UK has named the first woman to ever head up Scotland Yard. Coincidentally, she supposedly wears the same dress size as J. Edgar Hoover.

Jay Z is set to become the first rapper inducted into the Songwriter’s Hall of Fame. The question is, why did it take so long to get representation from a genre that gives such poetic references to bitch slapping ho’s, popping a cap and selling drugs?

Russia is accusing western media of spreading “fake news.” Which is exactly why they had their hackers make sure Donald Trump won the election just so he could identify and try his best to put an end to the problem.

Russia is accusing western media of spreading “fake news.” Which as far as they are concerned ended when Donald Trump turned over control of his Twitter account to the Kremlin.

J.D. Power says the Lexus and Porsche present the fewest problems for owners in the first three years. Mostly because the majority of people who think they can afford a Lexus or Porsche see them repossessed after six months.

J.D. Power says the Lexus and Porsche present the fewest problems for owners in the first three years. Which means that if you spend $120,000 for a car, it will save you having to shell out $300 for a starter in the first couple of years.

J.D. Power says the Lexus and Porsche present the fewest problems for owners in the first three years. Mostly because just the insurance cost keeps most of those cars sitting in the driveway while the owners can drive a car they can actually afford.

Illinois hospitals say they are committing to increasing organ transplants. Which makes street people who are brought in for surgery keep asking “What am I being brought in for again?”

A Swedish politician wants workers to get hour long sex breaks to improve health. The only question is what will the male employees do with the other 57 minutes?

A Swedish politician wants workers to get hour long sex breaks to improve health. Although that won’t do much for the physical or mental health of any workers who use the breaks and have to explain to their wife how they got that STD.

A Swedish politician wants workers to get hour long sex breaks to improve health. To Which Bill Clinton says that is nothing new. His administration was on that idea way back in 1994.

A study tests the belief that cat droppings have a chemical tied to schizophrenia, OCD and other mental illnesses. Which apparently comes from the fact that people who have all those disorders are always the ones who have a houseful of 50 cats.

A study says one third of all antidepressants are prescribed for disorders they aren’t approved for like migraine headaches. Mostly because both migraines and depression start to show up when people get their monthly pharmacy bill.

A report says ACL tears are on the increase in kids, especially ones playing sports where there is a lot of cutting and pivoting. Although if that is the case, the question is why aren’t at least half the members of Congress walking around on crutches?

A study says a GOP health insurance fix would raise premiums on older patients. Although that won’t matter under the Republican plan since most people will end up losing their insurance and won’t live to be older patients in the first place.

Ivanka Trump’s jewelry company reportedly owes New York $5,000 in unpaid sales tax. Apparently since Kellyanne Conway endorsed her products on Fox News, Ivanka’s bling went blam!

Ivanka Trump’s jewelry company reportedly owes New York $5,000 in unpaid sales tax. The bad part is that if Ivanka keeps avoiding taxes, the state of New York will be there to fit her with a free pair of bracelets.

Judge Judy is shopping around old reruns that she wants to sell for $200 Million. Although her show featuring courtroom screaming and yelling will be nothing compared to when Donald Trump gets all his nominees put on the Supreme Court.

Kellyanne Conway has reportedly been sidelined from TV appearances by the White House after going “off message.” Although anyone who has seen her last couple of interviews knows it is more like she has gone off the rails.

Kellyanne Conway has reportedly been sidelined from TV appearances by the White House after going “off message.” Political experts were surprised. The Trump White House has a message?

Kim Kardashian is denying she is in a second sex tape making the rounds. Apparently just like with her reality show after a couple of viewings it all just starts looking the same.

Kim Kardashian is denying she is in a second sex tape making the rounds. Although at this point it would be more intriguing if she would release something where she actually keeps her clothes on.

Ole Miss has self-imposed a one year bowl ban after being hit with serious violations charges. Remember the days when a team that went 5-7 didn’t have to worry about having a chance in being invited to a Bowl game in the first place?

Ole Miss has self-imposed a one year bowl ban after being hit with serious violations charges. Which is not to be confused with New Mexico State’s self-imposed ban from any Bowl appearances since 1960 because they are just crappy.

Chris Christie is reportedly being considered to host a sports show on WFAN once his term as New Jersey Governor is up. Christie is not usually associated with any sports other than occasionally being confused with the Goodyear Blimp.

Jeanie Buss says she waited too long to fire her brother as executive vice president of the Lakers. And you thought the conversation at your family’s Thanksgiving dinner had some awkward moments.

A New Jersey man has been sentenced to five years in prison for his part in a New York Giants ticket scam. Apparently he was ripping off Giants fans by making them pay full price.

A New Jersey man has been sentenced to five years in prison for his part in a New York Giants ticket scam. Although he could get his sentence cut in half if he just finally tells them where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

Alex Rodriguez has been hired as a Yankees special spring training guest instructor. Which means just like when he was still playing, they have no idea of what he is actually getting paid for.

An expired Microsoft certificate reportedly locked several DHS employees out of accessing their computers. Which means the new number one on the most wanted terrorist list is now Bill Gates.

A report says Donald Trump’s aides are using special tactics to keep him off Twitter. The one that works best so far is when he asks for his smartphone to tweet they replace it with an old TV remote control.

A report says Donald Trump’s aides are using special tactics to keep him off Twitter. For one thing, they won’t let him tweet within eight hours of watching anything on CNN.

Campbell’s Soup is betting on digital transformation of the company to help increase sales. For one thing, the letters in their alphabet soup are now being replaced with a bunch of 1’s and 0’s.

Campbell’s Soup is betting on digital transformation of the company to help increase sales. Which is sad to think the digital age now allows anyone to mimic Andy Warhol with a can of tomato soup and an iPhone.

Experts say if President Trump’s Twitter account were to be hacked, it could lead to chaos and mayhem on the world stage. To which most people are saying and that would be different how?

An Illinois state representative is proposing a stretch of interstate be renamed the “Barack Obama Expressway.” Which was also the name Mitch McConnell gave to the trashcan where he threw all of Obama’s legislation during his entire eight years in the White House.

Automakers are calling on new EPA chief Scott Pruitt to lower emissions standards on new cars. Which should be no problem with this administration as Donald Trump has already requested the new presidential limousine be a Humvee with a V-12 engine that runs on a mixture of diesel and coal.

George W. Bush spoke at the funeral for Little Caesar’s founder Mike Ilitch. It’s good to see that Bush is back representing the country, and when other statesmen are busy at the funerals of heads of state and religious leaders we still have a delegation to be there when the call comes from the fast food industry.

George W. Bush spoke at the funeral for Little Caesar’s founder Mike Ilitch. The fast food giant served in the Marines but Bush mistakenly thought he was a doughboy.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am just cranking them out this week. Although some days it is easier than others. Mostly when Donald Trump gets his hands on a phone and starts tweeting. I am not personally a fan of Twitter. Or Facebook, or Snapchat, or Instagram or whatever it is the kids are using these days. I sound like my parents. The only thing I still like to read is when you all take the time to remember to always keep on sending the love!



Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Two police officers wearing harnesses to prevent suicide attempts will be stationed on the George Washington Bridge. Although most attempts to jump off the bridge ended when Chris Christie finally stopped closing it mid-day for traffic studies.

A panda bear at the Washington, D.C. National Zoo has been shipped off to China on a plane in a crate loaded with snacks of bamboo shoots, apples and sweet potatoes. Or as United Airlines calls that, the new “basic economy” flight.

A study says Millennials are the most narcissistic generation ever. Just think how impressed they would be with themselves if they weren’t living in their parents’ basement and working for Uber.

A study says Millennials are the most narcissistic generation ever. Mostly because their main role model was growing up watching Donald Trump on “The Apprentice” and then seeing him get elected President.

The Houston Police Department says the thief who stole Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jersey is facing 5-99 years in prison along with a $10,000 fine. The good news for the thief is they will be able to have their inmate ID number as “12.”

A study says obese men last a minute and a half longer in the bedroom. Which is good news for their partners who get to enjoy the experience which goes all the way to four minutes.

A study says obese men last a minute and a half longer in the bedroom. Which brings up the question what woman wants to have sex a long time with a fat man?

A study says obese men last a minute and a half longer in the bedroom. Although most of that is taking a time out in the middle to try to catch their breath.

A study says obese men last a minute and a half longer in the bedroom. Although it is hardly romantic when that time is spent reaching over to grab another slice of pizza off the nightstand.

Some women in Japan go to clubs to find men they can give their money to in order to show them attention, flirt and have sex with them to make them feel wanted. We’ve had that over here in the U.S. for quite awhile. It’s called Match.com.

 The Air Force says it is short 750 pilots as of the end of 2016. If they lose another 100 they will be on a par with United Airlines.

A report says the price of crude oil could drop as low as $30 a barrel soon. To which the people who were in the George W. Bush Administration are cheering, saying “the War in Iraq finally worked!”

Colorado is considering a bill that would allow legal pot deliveries. Which could be done by giving the job to Domino’s Pizza delivery people as a way to cut out the middleman.

Colorado is considering a bill that would allow legal pot deliveries. The only problem is when the drivers start skimming some of the product and they take six days to find the address.

A physics teacher at a high school in Buenos Aires says she was threatened to be shot if she didn’t pass an entire physics class. The good news is that if the threat is carried out, the teacher and the bullet would show those kids how the laws of physics really work.

A physics teacher at a Buenos Aires high school says she was threatened to be shot if she didn’t pass an entire physics class. Remember when kids tried to get on the good side of the teacher by putting an apple on their desk instead of a 9MM bullet?

StubHub says it is rebranding itself by enhancing the experience of people at live events by providing additional activities and entertainment. Remember when it was enough just to buy a ticket for an event and just enjoy the event?

A report says Australia is the top destination for millionaires, with 11,000 of them moving there in 2016. Mostly because it’s easy to hold onto their cash when only paying to subsist on a diet of Vegemite and Foster’s Lager

A report says Australia is the top destination for millionaires, with 11,000 of them moving there in 2016. Mostly a group claiming royalty status who made their money off Internet marketing in Nigeria.

Milo Yiannopoulos has resigned from Breitbart after making remarks that seemed to support pedophilia. He should have stuck to what got him where he was, being racist, misogynistic and hateful towards immigrants.

Donald Trump’s first weeks as President have reportedly caused anxiety and political arguments at work. People are longing for the days when employees spent their time in the office engaging in sexual harassment, bad-mouthing the boss and going online to look for another job.

A New York man claims he has gotten away without paying any federal income tax since 1970. To which Donald Trump laughed, saying he has him beat by at least eight years.

A New York man claims he has gotten away without paying any federal income tax since 1970. He sends in a return every year, right after filling out the forms in his refrigerator box home in Central Park.

A New York man claims he has gotten away without paying any federal income tax since 1970. To which half of America is saying they don’t pay any taxes either, but just going back to the last time they had an income in 2007.

A report says one third of all American adults don’t have anything put away in a 401(k) account, with the average couple only having $5,000 in any retirement savings. Which is fine as they really don’t need to start saving until they are in their 70s if they want to hit the new retirement age of 93.

UPS says it will expand its ground deliveries to Saturday to compete with the Post Office. Although the difference is that the Post Office still has Saturday delivery to try to catch up with the packages that were mailed back in 1985.

Republican members of Congress want to loosen restrictions on gun silencers. Apparently it is there way of helping inner city residents get more sleep and not being awakened by every drug deal that goes bad.

Republican members of Congress want to loosen restrictions on gun silencers. Mostly because there is nothing worse than being in a movie theater during a mass shooting and not being able to hear the dialogue over all the gunfire.

Republican members of Congress want to loosen restrictions on gun silencers. Now if they could just get the victims to stop screaming when they are shot, it will be much more peaceful for the people who have to live in high crime areas.

American Airlines has started selling its new “basic economy” no frills fares. It means lower prices but no access to overhead compartments, no assigned seating and no onboard snacks. Or as United Airlines calls that, a First Class upgrade.

Wells Fargo has fired four senior executives in the wake of their scandal over fake accounts. The executives weren’t actually fired for their part in the scandal, it appears that they were really let go for parking in the space reserved for the CEO.

Urban Outfitters is selling a shirt with the AOL logo for $45. Which is ironic as the same shirt would have just been delivered to anyone who had tried to order it online using AOL back in 1998.

Yahoo has salvaged its deal to be bought by Verizon with a $350 Million discount. Which will be a real bargain when it is used along with the 50% discount coupon for Yahoo that Verizon just found on Groupon.

Yahoo has salvaged its deal to be bought by Verizon with a $350 Million discount. That drops the price to around $4.5 Billion, which is exactly the same amount most Verizon customers pay for a deal with no contract and purchase of an iPhone.

A study says testosterone gel does not improve men’s memory. Mostly because any woman knows that an increase in male hormone is even more likely to make men forget to ever call back.

A new test will see if a vaccine against insect-borne illnesses can be made from mosquito saliva. The hard part is getting a sample for the vaccine by emptying out all those tiny little mosquito spittoons.

Former teen heartthrob David Cassidy says he is living with dementia. The sad part is that he wishes he could make everyone else forget he was on “The Partridge Family.”

Former teen heartthrob David Cassidy says he is living with dementia. The worst part is losing his home and having to live in the back of that psychedelic bus.

A report says a growing number of heavy pot users are developing a rare illness that causes vomiting and abdominal pain. Not from the pot use but afterwards eating eight pizzas, three boxes of Oreos and five bags of Doritos.

A study says having regular diet coaching can help keep weight off. What does a diet coach do, follow fat people around yelling “Don’t eat that!”?

A study says acupuncture may help with treatment of migraine headaches. Mostly by taking the patient’s mind off their headache after having a hundred needles stuck all over the rest of their body.

Lindsay Lohan says she was racially profiled because she was wearing a headscarf. Up until now she had only been profiled against being allowed inside a club or renting a car because she was Lindsay Lohan.

A judge has ordered rapper Chris Brown to stay away from his ex-girlfriend. Now if the court system could only do something to protect his current and future girlfriends.

A report says films in 2016 had a record number of female leading roles. Mostly as a way for the movie studios to spend only 78% of what it cost in previous years for actors’ salaries.

Simon Cowell reportedly spent $12,000 on his son’s third birthday party. Mostly for the photographer who was there to take unlimited pictures of Cowell walking around in a tight black T-shirt.

Cricket player Ross Taylor had a record breaking 102 not out, his 17th century limted-overs internationals as New Zealand scored 289-4 batting first. In doing so, he surpassed the record of 16 ODI centuries for New Zealand. What?

Tom Brady’s stolen Super Bowl jersey has been valued by Houston Police at $500,000. Which means there probably won’t be any charges pressed if they catch the thief, as Brady would be ashamed to have anything in his home worth that little.

Tom Brady’s stolen Super Bowl jersey has been valued by Houston Police at $500,000. Which may not be accurate, as it has to be taken into account that in Texas a black velvet painting of Elvis is valued at $350,000.

Major League Baseball is changing the rule for intentional walks, going to a hand signal from the dugout. Which is not to be confused with how the Minnesota Twins call for an intentional walk, by signaling to send someone in from the bullpen.

Kobe Bryant’s agent, Rob Pelinka will reportedly be named the new GM of the Lakers. After representing Bryant all those years, the first thing he will have to get used to is the idea that there is actually more than one player on the court.

NASA scientists say they want Pluto classified as a planet again. Mostly just in case one of their rockets accidentally hits it and they can then call it a successful mission.

High Times magazine is moving from New York to California. Now that weed is legal in most western states, they will also start changing the pages to be printed on actual Zig-Zag wrappers.

High Times magazine is moving from New York to California. The move has already started and is expected to be finished by sometime around 2032, give or take five years.

High Times magazine is moving from New York to California. The reasons for the move are putting the magazine closer to more readers, easier distribution and because that is where In-N-Out is headquartered.

Scientists are planning to encase a ship in Arctic ice for more accurate weather forecasts. Although if a ship is permanently stuck in the ice, the forecast is pretty much always going to be “cold.”

Scientists are planning to encase a ship in Arctic ice. Or they could have just waited for the next Carnival Cruise Line excursion headed to Alaska.

Scientists are planning to encase a ship in Arctic ice for more accurate weather forecasts. Although thanks to global warming, they may have to be satisfied with surrounding it with Arctic water just slightly cooler than room temperature.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another productive day for me. Oh, yeah I also wrote these jokes. But there are a lot. Hopefully you can find one that doesn’t make the rest of it seem like quite a waste of your time. Just remember that all I ever ask for is for you to always keep on sending the love!