Friday, January 30, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Bill Gates cautioned about the eventual potential dangers to the human race from Artificial Intelligence. Although he says we have nothing to worry about the threat of robots taking over as long as they are operated by Windows.

A pot grower in Seattle is rolling 12,000 marijuana joints in advance of Super Sunday. Apparently it’s a cross promotion with Domino’s, Papa John’s and Little Caesar’s.

A report says that group medical visits with several patients are becoming more popular with doctors. The only bad part is when you are the only one who is there for a prostate exam.

A poll shows a huge gap between what scientists and the public thinks. Especially when it comes to thinking you look good wearing khakis and a polo shirt while driving around in your Prius.

Senator John McCain yelled “Get out of here, you low life scum” at protesters at a hearing. He just wishes the event was outside so he could have also told them to get off  his lawn.

The new Air Force 1 jet being built by Boeing could be the last four engine jumbo jet ever built. Apparently the White House was making the provisions for the bigger plane in the event the 2016 election is won by Chris Christie.

The FCC says that anything below 25 megabits per second will not be considered as broadband anymore. In other words, everyone using DSL just got downgraded to AOL.

A survey says that 29% of Americans hide at least some cash bills and coins at home. The other 71% say they will start to do it just as soon as they actually get some cash.

A survey says that 29% of Americans hide at least some cash bills and coins at home. The sad part is the ones who label their spare change jar “retirement account.”

A report says that the world is now at “peak food” production. Which is no coincidence because it is pretty obvious that Americans are trying to reach peak food consumption.

A Canadian man missed out on sharing a $27 Million lottery prize when his ticket was printed seven seconds past the deadline. It was most money lost over a few seconds other than any company that has bought commercial time during the second half of the Super Bowl.

A Virginia woman is suing after she claims a police dog bit her after leaving a party. No one had any idea that Spuds MacKenzie had changed careers into law enforcement.

Two pilots have beaten the world’s distance record for flying in a helium balloon despite encountering several problems along the way. The biggest obstacle was almost not getting off the ground until they realized the person in charge of filling the balloon was the equipment manager for the New England Patriots.

Google profits were up 30% in the fourth quarter of 2014. Which was the only time any of  their investors were ever heard to say “Yahoo!”

A report says the number of new jobless claims dropped to a 15 year low. Mostly because the last time we saw any new jobs being created was back in 2000.

Airport food workers in Chicago were protesting against United Airlines. Apparently they are upset at having to work so much harder because of all the people who are living at the airport while waiting for their canceled United flights to be rescheduled.

A report says that U.S. home ownership has fallen to a 20 year low. Which isn’t entirely true. Someone owns every home. Although instead of the homeowner, its the banks, mortgage companies and foreign investors.

A report says that 72,000 Americans have 401(k) accounts of $1 Million or more. They all say they are looking forward to enjoying the money when they retire in another three years after they turn 87.

A report says that 72,000 Americans have 401(k) accounts of $1 Million or more. Those people are called company executives.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety says nine car models were found to have no fatal accidents from 2009 to 2012. Mostly because they were all made by GM and spent that entire time in the shop for the latest recalls.

Billionaire Carlos Slim’s TracFone wireless provider has been fined $40 Million for deceiving consumers about its unlimited data plans. Not only that, but they are now facing legal action from Sprint, Verizon and AT&T for stealing their business model.

A poll says that 41% of Americans think the Patriots cheated by deflating their footballs. The other 59% said they cheated but thought they meant a diet, taxes or their wives.

A survey says that 47% of Americans spend all their income or go into debt to meet their expenses. The other 53% are still waiting for the day when they actually can say they have an income again.

A Texas man may have been killed by an exploding airbag in his car. The worst part is his mechanic is the equipment manager for the New England Patriots.

A cellphone app reminds people to not stay out in the direct sunlight too long. Although that isn’t really necessary since cellphones keep people out of the sun for more than a few seconds at a time because they can’t update their Facebook accounts every minute from the glare on their screen.

A study says athletic performance may be based on the time of the event in relation to the athlete’s body clock. Which means the Cubs finally need to get some players with a daytime circadian rhythm when they are playing at Wrigley Field.

A study says that binge watching of TV could be a sign of depression and loneliness. Or that it is a Sunday during the NFL regular season.

A study says that binge watching of TV could be a sign of depression and loneliness. An even bigger sign of depression and loneliness is when someone is binge watching their radio.

The NFL says that concussions were down 25% this year. Meaning that when the coach held up two fingers to a player who was hit in the head, they only saw three fingers instead of four.

A study says that money is the most important to people between 30 and 50. Mostly men in that age group who need a lot of extra money to pay for the divorce from their first wife and still have enough to attract a much younger second wife.

A study says that drinking three cocktails a day may boost the risk of having a stroke. Not from the alcohol, but from repeatedly landing on your head every time you keep falling off the bar stool.

Sean Penn says he would consider a marriage to Charlize Theron to be his first. Which is interesting because that comment makes Madonna and Robin Wright pretty much regard him as number two.

Matthew McConaughey has been chosen as the commencement speaker at the University of Houston in May. Coincidentally, it will be just like one of his movies where the audience is made up of a large number of Cougars.

Justin Bieber has apologized for his behavior over the past year and a half, saying “I’m not who I was pretending to be.” Which everyone understands since he was pretending to be a singer.

The WWE Network has reached 1 Million subscribers. People were surprised at the news. Who thought there were that many wrestling fans who could scrape up $9.99 a month?

Blackbeard’s pirate ship the Queen Anne’s Revenge was excavated to be full of medical supplies. Apparently it was equipped with the latest medical technology from the 18th century including custom fitted leather eye patches along with lathed and varnished wooden legs.

Researchers have discovered a new tattoo on the body of mummified ice man Otzi. Apparently the location makes it the first recorded tramp stamp.

Congressional Democrats launched an issues conference in Philadelphia to help the middle class. And more importantly to make sure no members of Congress ever fall backwards into that economic group.

Congressional Democrats launched an issues conference at a  Philadelphia hotel to help the middle class. Which gave hotel workers the hope that some day they could get a job somewhere else that paid enough to get them out of the lower class.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham says he is considering a run for President because he is tired of hearing himself complain. Which is good because the day he is elected to the White House it will change to him hearing everyone else complain.

China has overtaken the U.S. for the top country for foreign investment. Mostly because the only time foreigners invest in the U.S. is when they are looking for a tax write off.

John Kerry was fined $50 for failing to clear his sidewalk during the recent snow storm. You would think a man who served in the Senate for nearly 30 years would be able to know how to handle a shovel.

Ford beat its profit estimates despite lower earnings and sales in 2014. It’s not a good sign for a business when everything is down but the year still ended better than they expected.

That’s it for now, Oh faithful Readers! Not a great day for jokes, but then if you read this blog you could pretty much say that on any given day. Super Sunday is just two days away. There will be tremendous pressure in the locker rooms and on the sidelines. But not as much as the the amount of pressure Roger Goodell will make sure is inside each football. Just make sure you don’t deflate my feelings before the big game by making sure to remember to send the love!

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Seattle is planning to fine residents who throw away food instead of using it for compost. Families in Birmingham, Alabama were shocked at the report. There are people who throw away food?

A report says the wage disparity in Washington, D.C. is at a 35 year high. Politicians are alarmed, mostly because it is a result of the lobbyists keeping all their money and not handing out as much in bribes to members of Congress.

The Mayor of Beijing says smog has made the city “unlivable.” Fortunately, most people don’t notice it because they are more concerned with the chemicals in their drinking water and the mystery meat in their food.

A report says that legalized marijuana is the fastest growing business in the U.S. Followed closely by pizzerias, ice cream parlors and bakeries.

A neighborhood in a suburb of Los Angeles says their tap water has turned black, but that the water company is telling them it is safe to drink. To which nearby residents in Beverly Hills are asking “What’s tap water?”

Scans reveal that psychopaths’ brains don’t grasp punishment the same way as other people. Especially when the ones at Wall Street banks who destroyed the economy for their own gain know they aren’t going to be punished for what they did in the first place.

A report says that Apple has enough money to pay every American $556. Mostly because every American is giving Apple $5,000 so they can have an iPhone, iPad and MacBook.

Arizona Cardinals cornerback Patrick Peterson set a world’s record by taking 1,449 selfies in an hour. But only because Kim Kardashian can’t count past the number 17.

Arizona Cardinals cornerback Patrick Peterson set a world’s record by taking 1,449 selfies in an hour. Cleveland quarterback Johnny Manziel tried to surpass the record but kept dropping the camera.

A program run on a supercomputer picked the Seattle Seahawks to win the Super Bowl. Although before dropping any money on the game, keep in mind that supercomputers also said New York City was going to get 18” of snow earlier this week.

Experts are stumped by the estimated 1 Million young people in Japan who never leave their rooms. Although it’s easier to understand when you realize in Tokyo you can’t go out for a hot dog and soft drink without dropping $150.

Experts are stumped by the estimated 1 Million young people in Japan who never leave their rooms. They can’t understand why they aren’t more like American teenagers who leave their room all the time to lock themselves in the basement playing video games for three straight days.

The FDA is taking steps to make sure defibrillators are more reliable when they are needed. The only problem is when patients who are saved with a defibrillator go back into cardiac arrest once they are given their hospital bill.

Mexico’s environmental protection agency has shut down a proposed 1,400 acre mega-mall that would have featured Chinese made goods. Or as that is known as in the rest of the world, a redundancy.

Mexico’s environmental protection agency has shut down a proposed 1,400 acre mega-mall that would have featured Chinese made goods. People in the U.S. were surprised. Mexico has an environmental protection agency?

A survey says that fewer than one third of U.S. workers were engaged in their job in 2014. The figure was reached because the other two thirds knocked off work for a half hour to answer the survey.

Jeff Bridges will be featured in a Super Bowl ad for a tape he made to help people fall asleep. The only question is whether the commercial will air before everyone falls asleep from drinking all day and trying to stay awake through another Super Bowl blowout.

Google says that Youtube is so inundated with videos that the staff is unable to filter out any terror related content. Which means we can forget airport searches and domestic spying. The real security risk is all the people spending 18 hours a day watching cat videos.

Amazon says it will start an e-mail operation for companies. The only catch is that the e-mails will be delivered free only if it comes with a minimum $35 purchase.

Bill Gates says he feels stupid for never having learned a foreign language. Which isn’t entirely true since he is completely fluent in the computer geek required BASIC, Fortran and Klingon.

California has declared e-cigarettes a health threat. Which won’t be taken completely seriously until the state posts the same status for Bakersfield.

Apple has become one of the few enterprises that has sold more than 1 Billion items. The company joins icons like Elvis Presley, McDonald’s and Taco Bell. Which Apple may want to consider before being linked to endeavors associated with obesity, poor health and dying young.

The owner of an online clothing company says he is interested in buying bankrupt SkyMall. There have been crazier business deals. Like the millions of people who actually bought something through SkyMall.

An estimate says that overfishing could empty the oceans of fish by 2050. Which means people will have to just come up with another source for their daily minimum requirements of mercury.

An estimate says that overfishing could empty the oceans of fish by 2050. Fortunately, that won’t stop the Red Lobster from continuing to serve whatever it is they are putting in their coastal soup.

A report says that veterinarians are using acupuncture for pain relief for pets. Although it might not be a good idea to be the first one to try sticking a needle into a pit bull that is already not feeling real well.

A report says that veterinarians are using acupuncture for pain relief for pets. The only question is what to do for the pain the owners feel after paying $250 to have their Chihuahua experience the latest trend in New Age Medicine.

A study says that most people say they would donate samples of their body tissue for research. Although in reality for most Americans, the only samples they really ever actually give are during their visits to the sperm bank and the mandatory blood test when they are pulled over for a DUI.

A study says that trouble falling asleep may be associated with high blood pressure. Especially for the people who stay up all night worrying about how they are going to pay their prescription bills for all the medication for their high blood pressure.

A study says that trouble falling asleep may be associated with high blood pressure. Especially when people can’t shut out the noise of the “glug, glug” sound their heart is making while trying to pump their blood which has the same viscosity as maple syrup.

A study says that expensive drugs work better than cheaper versions. Which is why Mark McGwire won the home run title in 1998 over Sammy Sosa because Sosa’s health care plan only paid for the generic brand of steroids.

A study says that expensive drugs work better than cheaper versions. To which anyone who has had a prescription filled out in the past 15 years is asking “What cheaper drugs?”

A study says that NFL players who played tackle football before the age of 12 are more likely to have thinking and memory problems as adults. Mostly because if they were that good at such a young age they were able to go all the way through college without ever having to actually get an education.

A study says that beauty products may trigger early menopause in some women. Which is ironic because women who have a houseful of kids would give anything to have five minutes to actually be able to sit down and put on some makeup.

A study says that beauty products may trigger early menopause in some women. Then why is it always the women who are way past their childbearing years who are the ones piling on a two inch thick layer of foundation, sealer and powder?

Lindsay Lohan’s claims of community service were questioned in court. Apparently the judge feels she won’t really meet her requirements of providing a benefit to the public until she takes an extended break from making movies.

Kobe Bryant underwent successful shoulder surgery. Apparently the injury was cause by the strain of making the unusual move of actually trying to pass the ball to someone else.

Brett Favre says he was rushed into retirement the first time. Fortunately, he was able to go more at his own pace for each of his following five retirements.

Portland State University researchers have designed a coffee cup especially for astronauts to use in space. Apparently they hold just enough coffee so they don’t go over the limit of how much their astronaut diapers can hold.

Portland State University researchers have designed a coffee cup especially for astronauts to use in space. The only problem is that the astronauts’ demand for Starbucks coffee on the ISS has pushed NASA over its budget allotment through 2018.

A study based on skeletons dug up from Danish graveyards dating back to the 12th through the 17th centuries shows that skull fractures can lead to early death. As could pretty much anything else for the people living in Denmark in the 12th through the 17th centuries.

Microsoft personal assistant Cortana has picked the Patriots to win the Super Bowl. But before anyone places any bets based on the information, they have to remember this is the same source Bill Gates uses to find a place to get his hair cut.

A computer program simulated 50,000 games between the Patriots and Seahawks before figuring the Seahawks would win 57.3% of the time. Computer programmers say the other 42.7% of the time the matchup would be won by Uther the Lightbringer from World of Warcraft.

A computer program simulated 50,000 games between the Patriots and Seahawks before figuring the Seahawks would win 57.3% of the time. The simulation total of 50,000 was used because that is the same number of times Marshawn Lynch has said “I’m here so I won’t be fined.”

Facebook says that 8 of 10 users are on mobile devices. Mostly because its the only way they can post pictures of all the meals they are eating when they go out.

Ford, Toyota and Nissan have announced recalls of more than 1 Million vehicles. To which GM is saying “Amateurs!”

A Japanese man has invented a rideable robotic horse. Since it is powered by a gasoline engine, the only question is how many horsepower is it?

A study says that liberals are more likely to outlive conservatives. At least until conservatives do away with gun controls, the EPA and banning sugary soft drinks.

A study says that liberals are more likely to outlive conservatives. Mostly from all the conservatives who have heart attacks from having to clean their own pools after reporting their undocumented pool boy.

Mitt Romney says that marriage is one answer to poverty. Just ask John Kerry who married the woman who inherited the Heinz fortune.

Mitt Romney says that marriage is one answer to poverty. Except when you are Mickey Rooney and die poor from doing it eight times.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only three days until the Super Bowl. That’s a huge day for women around the country. Not because it is the end of football season, but because it’s the one weekend day since August when their husbands have only one game to pick from. I’ll be watching the game because what else is there to do when the whole country is shut down? I don’t care who wins, just as long as it isn’t the Patriots. If you are going to cheat, do it out in the open where everyone can see it, like the Raiders. I just ask everyone to play by one rule here. That is to try to remember every once in awhile to make sure to send the love!

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Grocery stores in the northeast were cleaned out on Monday. It was a perfect storm which was a combination of people stocking up on supplies in advance of the approaching blizzard which also fell on Chris Christie’s shopping day.

New “cubitat” rooms combine living spaces which include a kitchen, bedroom, bathroom , laundry and storage in a ten by ten foot area. Which are already known in New York City as a $3,000 a month apartment in downtown Manhattan.

A poll says that dissatisfaction with the federal government is at an all time low. It is so low that it is now officially tied with every other time in the nation’s history.

A poll says that 7 in 10 Americans feel that Hollywood is not biased against minorities. The other three have read the list of this year’s Oscar nominees.

A poll says that 7 in 10 Americans feel that Hollywood is not biased against minorities. They feel instead that Hollywood is biased against conservatives, the military and straight people.

A poll says that 7 in 10 Americans feel that Hollywood is not biased against minorities. The other three have apparently seen black people in real life who aren’t an athlete, slave or a pimp.

A national phone company in Denver says it is “outraged” at the fraud and abuse in the free government cellphone program. Why shouldn’t the phone companies be able to take poor people for all their money for having a cellphone like they do with everyone else?

Dubai has overtaken Heathrow in London as the top international airport. Mostly ever since they introduced their express check-in lane for people transporting three bombs or less.

The Director of the CBO is predicting unsustainable debt that could lead to fiscal crisis within 25 years. Which means it’s a good thing Congress has been able to hold the national debt at just under $18 Trillion or we could be in real trouble.

The Director of the CBO is predicting unsustainable debt that could lead to fiscal crisis within 25 years. Which doesn’t bother most of the members of Congress since they will have been dead for at least ten years by then.

The Director of the CBO is predicting unsustainable debt that could lead to fiscal crisis within 25 years. The joke is on him because at this rate the country will have gone broke long before 2040.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft says he wants an apology from the NFL if their investigation into Deflategate finds no wrongdoing. Although most football experts feel his request will fall flat.

Equipment usually used for border protection will be brought in to help with security at Sunday’s Super Bowl in Arizona. Mostly because there won’t be any border patrolling that weekend as restaurants will need every undocumented aliens they can get to sneak in and help cook all the chicken wings they will be selling.

The IRS Commissioner says that staffing shortages will mean more taxpayers will be directed to the Internet for help with their taxes. People are being advised to be suspicious when they go online and get offers for tax deductions for any donations made to Nigerian princes.

Facebook says it is declaring war on misinformation on the Internet. They say anyone who is looking for fake news stories can always just go to Foxnews.com.

MIT researchers say they have developed an interface that will allow a computer to plug directly into a person’s brain. Don’t we already have that? It’s called a video game console.

The National Weather Service has admitted its forecasts for much of the northeast snow storm were wrong. They conceded their error after people didn’t believe their earlier explanation that two feet of snow meant there would be enough snow to cover both of your shoes.

The National Weather Service has admitted its forecasts for much of the northeast snow storm were wrong. Meteorologists are rethinking their strategy after realizing they have a better chance statistically of being right if they just forecast partly cloudy skies and 70 degrees for every day of the year.

A study says that cutting unemployment benefits created 1.8 Million jobs in the U.S. Mostly for extra prison guards for all the people convicted of stealing to try to get by without their unemployment benefits.

Democratic Representative Jared Polis of Colorado wants the intelligence community to monitor Senator Marco Rubio around the clock for his support of domestic spying. Although it is already pretty much known that nothing that has to do with intelligence would ever come from snooping on a member of Congress.

Airlines continue to make huge profits with no plans to cut air fares or make any more available seating. Which answers the question as to where all the oil company executives relocated once the profits in their business started to dry up.

The FCC told Marriott Hotels they have no right to block Wi-Fi signals on their property. To which Marriott says they should have the right to charge people to go online while they are waiting three hours in their hotel lobby for their room to finally be ready.

Amazon says it is making it easier for customers to qualify for the $35 minimum order for free shipping. It is simply raising the prices on all its items by $20.

Microsoft stock fell 9.2% in one day based on the company’s dreary outlook. The problem is that it is always pretty drab outside when the only view is through Microsoft Windows.

A study says that boring stocks tend to generate better returns. Which is good news since to anyone who doesn’t have an Ivy League MBA, all stocks are boring.

A study says that boring stocks tend to generate better returns. Although all stocks are pretty exciting compared to trying to sit down to try to watch anyone on CNBC for more than two minutes.

Apple reported the largest quarterly profit in history with $18 Billion. Oil executives had to take their hats off to the people at Apple for making all those profits without even having to get the country involved in any wars to do it.

Louisiana saw the highest increase in unemployment in the country in 2014, going up 25%. Apparently they have just run out of items they can sell printed with pictures of the cast of “Duck Dynasty.”

The CBO has slashed the estimated cost of Obamacare. Although an even bigger saving to the nation is the Republicans finally doing something other than writing bills and voting to try to repeal the law.

A study says that childhood neglect can lead to harmful changes in the brain. Which is good for the wives of New York hedge fund managers who know that will never be a problem as their children are in the hands of the best nannies money can buy.

A study says that childhood neglect can lead to harmful changes in the brain. Although the study says that doesn’t apply if you are neglected but your dad is Kevin Federline.

The FDA has approved its first generic version of the heartburn drug Nexium. Although that didn’t do anything to help the indigestion the decision caused for the pharmaceutical executives who will lose the millions of dollars they have been getting for soaking people for the name brand drug.

A study says that blood transfusions during heart surgery may increase the risk of catching pneumonia. Although if you are having heart surgery that requires blood transfusions, pneumonia is probably halfway down the list of things that could go wrong.

A gene associated with better aging reportedly also makes people smarter. Especially people who live longer because they are too smart to watch and try to emulate the stunts on “Jackass.”

A study says that prostate cancer patients who smoke fare worse. Although if smoking is the cause of your prostate cancer, you may be putting that cigarette in the wrong place.

A disabled Chinese woman is writing a book with her toes. The only problem is that she has already been accused of plagiarism for not including footnotes.

A disabled Chinese woman is writing a book with her toes. Her publisher is very excited about the work, saying she really nailed it.

A study says that daily drinking may raise the risk of liver cirrhosis. In another related study, people who eat every meal at McDonald’s may raise the risk of gaining a little additional weight.

A study says that daily drinking may raise the risk of liver cirrhosis. In another related study, the sun may rise tomorrow in the east.

A study says that using Benadryl may increase the risk of developing Alzheimer’s Disease. Researchers say the study is inconclusive but the results are nothing to sneeze at.

A food industry group says the average American consumes 2,400 calories during the Super Bowl. Which means the fans are doing everything in their power to make sure they will no way be personally accused of being touched by the scandal of Deflategate.

Mississippi is investigating an 88 year old doctor who works out of his car. Although many people applaud him as being one of the few doctors who still makes shanty calls.

Mississippi is investigating an 88 year old doctor who works out of his car. The biggest problem is the Medicare office which is having difficulty finding an insurance form to match his charges of two chickens and a quart of goat’s milk.

A study says that paying people is the best way to help them quit smoking. Apparently it’s not enough to show them the $8 they just saved every time they don’t buy a pack of cigarettes.

A study says that paying people is the best way to help them quit smoking. Or they could just show them an estimate of the bill they will be getting in a couple of years for their heart bypass surgery.

A Mississippi woman who wears a size 22 has just signed a contract with a modeling agency. Apparently she will be modeling this year’s duck hunting shelter tents.

A Mississippi woman who wears a size 22 has just signed a contract with a modeling agency. How does someone get to be a size 22 in Mississippi? By not living within driving distance of a Krispy Kreme store.

Taylor Swift’s Twitter account was reportedly hacked. Authorities say they have so far eliminated the six men who have not recently dated her.

A battery powered device in England is still running after 175 years. It is the longest constantly running device in the world other than Madonna’s vibrator.

Restorators at the Colosseum in Rome say they have found remnants of a stadium seating plan. The worst part was for people who were rooting for the gladiators who were stuck in the same section as the families of the lions.

Restorators at the Colosseum in Rome say they have found remnants of a stadium seating plan. The discovery was made when the remains of an old building outside the stadium had a sign saying “Ticketmaster.”

Apple sold 9 iPhones every second during the last quarter of 2014. Not only that, but iPhone made a fortune compiling the information with their 99 cent “I just bought an iPhone” app.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another batch of great jokes to keep you amused. Which is what you would be saying if I had actually put any thought into any of these. I crank out nearly 50 jokes a day, while working at a full time job that actually pays me. Imagine that. There’s the real joke. I would have had even one more today but there is one idea I had that I wrote down and cannot read for the life of me. Maybe my daughter can help me out on that one. I should have been a doctor. At least I have the penmanship for it. You don’t need a pen. Just get into your e-mail account and type me a message that your computer will deliver. It’s the easiest way yet to send the love!

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Blizzard of 2015 has caused 7,500 flight cancellations across the country today. Or as United Airlines calls that, “Tuesday.”

A study says that people who hear voices in their heads should try talking back to them. Although it’s not a good idea while in their therapist’s office since he might charge for a group visit.

“American Idol” winner Phillip Phillips has filed a lawsuit to get out of what he calls is the show’s “oppressive contract.” He claims he was mistreated; being made to perform for free, left out of important decisions and repeatedly being referred to as “Dawg.”

“American Idol” winner Phillip Phillips has filed a lawsuit to get out of what he calls is the show’s “oppressive contract.” Other “American Idol” winners were attempted to be contacted for their opinions but no one knows where to actually find any of them.

A report says a group of Cuban youths has put together a makeshift Internet out of piecemeal equipment to make a crude connection that services about 9,000 people. To which AOL immediately sued, claiming they stole their business model.

A report says that union membership is at a 100 year low. The worst part is that most of them are the striking air traffic controllers who were fired back in 1981 and are still waiting for the government to give them their jobs back.

Some lenders are allowing people to buy homes with only a 3% down payment. They figure they will get the other 97% when the house goes into foreclosure and they sell it to a real estate speculator for cash.

Some lenders are allowing people to buy homes with only a 3% down payment. Which is a coincidence as that someone with that little money to put down has about a 3% chance on making payments for more than a couple of years.

A report says the super wealthy are buying hideouts in areas like New Zealand where they can escape to in the event of a civil uprising. In other words, they will have to move to a remote, desolate place in the wilderness to live like the people who are angry at them for making them all poor.

A report says the super wealthy are buying hideouts in areas like New Zealand where they can escape to in the event of a civil uprising. Which justifies them stealing all that money that they now need to get away from the problems they caused.

S&P has downgraded Russia’s credit rating to junk. How bad have things gotten there when their credit rating is worse than the U.S. where we are $17 Trillion in the hole?

S&P has downgraded Russia’s credit rating to junk. The worst part is they found out because they only had enough money to go online and check out FreeCreditReport.com.

Lawyers are asking for clemency for a Georgia death row inmate who only has an IQ of 70. His legal team says that qualifies him for a chance at rehabilitation and a new life through a full ride academic scholarship at the University of Alabama.

The CBO says the federal deficit has dropped to its lowest level of the Obama presidency. Which is like Cubs fans celebrating their team lost fewer games than usual this year.

The CBO says the federal deficit has dropped to its lowest level of the Obama presidency. Which is like praising GM because for the first time in six months your car isn’t in the shop for the latest recall.

A report says that innovation suffers at NASA because employees stay on too long and don’t work well with colleagues. Although those are difficult to do while you are waiting for the next rocket to pick you up from the ISS while having to constantly wear astronaut diapers.

A report says that innovation suffers at NASA because employees stay on too long and don’t work well with colleagues. Apparently many workers are miffed that the only snacks available in the breakroom are Tang and leftover Space Food Sticks.

A survey says the income gap is the top concern of high net worth individuals. Most of them are upset that their plan to get it all hasn’t quite worked out yet.

Family Dollar stores say their sales were up in December. Which is nice to see that some families were actually to get their hands on a dollar.

Family Dollar stores say their sales were up in December. How sad is it when dollar stores are now counting on Christmas shoppers to push them over their profit line?

The first U.S. Bitcoin exchange has opened for business. So far, ever single transaction has involved barterers trading in their Bitcoins for Star Wars figurines.

IBM is denying reports they will have a massive layoff involving 26% of their employees. The word is already out that their PCs that work off Windows have seen sales drop so much they are going to have to show everyone the door.

The CEO of Mattel Toys has resigned over poor sales of its Barbie line. Not only that, there have been allegations of sexual harassment ever since Barbie announce she is being represented by Gloria Allred.

The CBO says that interest on the national debt will triple over the next decade. Which means it could be worse since the way things are going, the national debt will quadruple in the same amount of time.

The IRS says that thieves stealing tax refunds is still a big problem. Fortunately, it is only a real threat to the six people who still make enough income to actually need to file a return.

The IRS says that thieves stealing tax refunds is still a big problem. Which angers the tax agency who is saying they thought of it first.

A new program will tie Medicare payments to quality over quantity of care. In other words, when a patient dies over lack of treatment they will get a break on their final bill.

The Blizzard of 2015 with all its canceled flights will cost fliers who have to eat meals and get hotel rooms at the airports where they are stranded. That doesn’t affect travelers who have already budgeted those expenses when they booked their flight on United.

A report says that electronic dance music is making a comeback as older Millennials are starting to listen to it. Apparently they have already figured the fastest way to stop your kids from doing something you don’t like is to take an interest in it yourself.

A report says that Valentine’s Day spending is expected to hit a record $18.9 Billion this year. Mostly from men who have to pay out the big bucks for expensive gifts after being caught by their wives buying presents for all the girlfriends they have met on Facebook.

A paper written by an economist says that Wal-Mart is responsible for making the obesity epidemic worse through their food distribution methods. Which means that Wal-Mart was able to expand its empire mainly through helping to expand most Americans.

A survey says that only a third of the oldest Baby Boomers are still working. Mostly because they have to if they ever want to pay off the college bills of their Millennial kids.

A survey says that only a third of the oldest Baby Boomers are still working. Which is pretty good considering only about a quarter of every other generation can still find jobs.

The U.S. adult obesity rate went up to 27.7% in 2014. Which means that there are still 72.3% of us out there who just aren’t trying hard enough.

The U.S. adult obesity rate went up to 27.7% in 2014. If you have been out lately it looks like a lot more than 27.7% of us are obese. Mostly because they are so big they make it impossible to see the other 72.3%.

A report says that more than half of the dogs and cats in the U.S. are overweight. Mostly because they know they can get away with being fat and slow as long as their owner doesn’t plan on moving to Korea anytime soon.

A study says that salt may have little or no effect on the risk of heart disease in older adults. Mostly because at that point if all the fat and sugar they eat hasn’t killed them, how much is a little salt going to hurt?

Scientists say they have discovered evidence of PTSD as early as 1300 BC. Although back then it was called “spear and shield shock.”

Scientists say they have discovered evidence of PTSD as early as 1300 BC. Soldiers who survived the battlefield apparently had guilty feelings about being able to have a chance to make it all the way to the full life expectancy of age 27.

A study says that mindfulness exercises improve kids’ math scores. Mostly in children who can concentrate on their math studies while being able to block out distracting thoughts of how the all the bullies will give them their usual wedgies right after class.

A study says that employers should take an active role in making sure their workers get enough sleep. The problem is they keep waking them up from their nap time every day when they come back from their three hour lunch.

A study says that employers should take an active role in making sure their workers get enough sleep. Although they see the real problem as the two other jobs their employees have to take to make it by on what they pay them.

A study says that depression medications are being tied to a higher risk for developing dementia. Which is good because the patients can go off their medication when they can’t remember what they were depressed about in the first place.

Kylie Jenner says she is busy working towards her high school diploma. To which the other cast members of the Kardashians are saying, “Show off!”

Kylie Jenner says she is busy working towards her high school diploma. The rest of the Kardashian women are proud to say their education came from the school of fake knockers.

Lance Armstrong says he thinks it is close to the time where people will start to forgive him. Especially when it turns out he didn’t use drugs to win his races, he took a page from the New England Patriots and let the air out of the other bike racers’ tires.

Las Vegas casinos say that more fans are betting on New England than Seattle in the Super Bowl. Especially now that they think anything involving the Patriots will end up as a blow out.

The Super Bowl will reportedly be missing an iconic part of every major sporting event because of Deflategate. It turns out the Patriots’ equipment manager was also the person in charge of putting helium into the Goodyear Blimp.

The NFL is reportedly investigating the Patriots’ locker room attendant over the team’s deflated footballs. Although the word is that he has been cleared of any wrongdoing as the only needles found in his desk were for injecting steroids.

Golfer Robert Allenby’s story about being kidnapped and robbed at a bar in Hawaii is reportedly falling apart. The strange part is the kidnappers’ ransom demand was for one of Tiger Woods’ teeth.

Golfer Robert Allenby’s story about being kidnapped and robbed at a bar in Hawaii is reportedly falling apart. He says he can’t identify the suspects because they kept their faces hidden behind some Mai Tai umbrellas.

Ray Lewis says if the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl it should come with an asterisk. Which, fortunately the Ravens were able to avoid since the two murders Lewis is connected with happened after the game.

A survey says that 1 in 10 adults have damaged a smartphone while watching or playing in a sporting event. Mostly from other people taking it away and breaking it while they are yakking on the phone through the entire Super Bowl.

A survey says that 1 in 10 adults have damaged a smartphone while watching or playing in a sporting event. Although if you damage a cellphone while participating in a sporting event, you need to stop fooling yourself into thinking that bowling, fishing or fantasy football are actual sports.

Uber is vowing not to gouge people during the Blizzard of 2015. Mostly because they already made their profit goals for the entire year by gouging everyone on New Year’s Eve.

This week is the 100th anniversary of the first Transatlantic phone call. Although it wasn’t a happy occasion as the call came in 2015 from England asking if anyone had heard from the Titanic.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only five days until Super Sunday, when Americans will spend the entire day overeating, getting drunk and passing out on the couch. Which used to be called “Thanksgiving.” The thanks that are being given this year are from the people who enjoy Tom Brady squirming while taking questions and trying to proclaim his innocence over Deflategate. I couldn’t care less about either team in the Super Bowl. Mostly because my team, the Raiders couldn’t care less in trying to ever get there again. What I do care about is that all of you occasionally remember to send the love!

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The latest developments in the New England Patriots Deflategate have now moved off the field. Reports say that SuperBowl halftime show headliner Katy Perry has dropped down to a C-cup.

Jeb Bush previewed his 2016 presidential run in a speech last week where he promised to offer the country “adult conversations.” Although campaign staffers may have mistaken what he meant by adult conversations when they changed the official campaign phone number to a 900 area code.

TV commentator Greta Van Susteren was trapped in an elevator in Hanoi that fell several floors. She says she hasn’t experienced being in such an out of control free fall since she worked at CNN.

TV commentator Greta Van Susteren was trapped in an elevator in Hanoi that fell several floors. The elevator dropped so fast that for a few seconds her mouth was actually symmetrical.

Pope Francis I told followers to “Put down the iPhone and start talking to each other.” Although no Catholic will be giving up their smartphones until there is another way to kill time watching cat videos during Sunday mass.

A new “death test” predicts a person’s chances of dying within the next 30 days. The test checks to see if the person has booked any upcoming trips booked on Amtrak.

A new “death test” predicts a person’s chances of dying within the next 30 days. The odds apparently drop dramatically the farther the person’s address is from Detroit.

A new “death test” predicts a person’s chances of dying within the next 30 days. The first thing the test does is ask the person’s occupation. The test ends if the person says anything besides “rapper.”

The CIA top spy has stepped down. No one even knows the person’s name or what they do. Until now, the only other job with the same description has been Vice President.

Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper says that legalizing marijuana was a bad decision. Mostly because if you thought people who were high on pot giggled uncontrollably before, just wait until someone says “Hickenlooper.”

The World Economic Forum in Davos which is attended by billionaires is selling hot dogs for $43. Even the world’s wealthiest were fuming at that. Imagine thinking they would actually consider eating a hot dog.

A report says that 1.2 Billion chicken wings will be eaten on Super Sunday. The one chicken wing that was never even able to make it to the regular season is the one that describes Tim Tebow’s throwing arm.

A report says that 1.2 Billion chicken wings will be eaten on during the Super Bowl. Which is sad that while Buffalo has never had their name engraved on the Lombardi Trophy, at least they always have a prominent place on the Super Sunday menu.

A report says that Maryland has more millionaires per capita than any other state. The only reason it beats out New Jersey is because as soon as anyone there makes a million dollars they know they have enough to go live somewhere else.

Rapper Tiny Doo is facing 25 years in prison for his lyrics. Hopefully he can be cleared of all charges by the work of the detective team headed by his cousin Scooby.

Rapper Tiny Doo is facing 25 years in prison for his lyrics. He should have been like the other rappers and gone after a lighter sentence for just shooting someone.

Two former athletes from UNC are suing the school and the NCAA, claiming they were deprived of a “meaningful education.” To which the school says having to work and make the college money for four years and not getting a degree teaches everyone a valuable lesson.

Two former athletes from UNC are suing the school and the NCAA, claiming they were deprived of a “meaningful education.” Fortunately, the students were able to afford to hire a legal team with all the illegal payments they were given while playing for UNC.

Two former athletes from UNC are suing the school and the NCAA, claiming they were deprived of a “meaningful education.” To which the university is asking why, if they wanted a meaningful education were they enrolling at UNC?

9 year old twins in New Hampshire are back with their parents after their uncle who was put in charge left them alone for days at a time in an apartment over five months. To which the children are calling him “The greatest uncle ever!”

The TSA is being accused of hiding security problems at airports, saying they are classified. Although the TSA wouldn’t so many problems with classified information if they didn’t hire all their agents through classified ads.

Edgar Froese, a founding member of Tangerine Dream has died at age 70. Doctors say he could have probably lived several more years if he would have gone to a diet that had more citrus.

A study says that women have only 17% of the leadership roles available in the film industry, the same percentage as in 1998. Apparently that is the maximum number of women available that movie executive men will hire who have had implants, Botox treatments and are still under 40.

The Border Patrol says the GOP Border Security Bill is weak and just “window dressing.” If the GOP hasn’t been criticized for using weak window dressing since their 2012 nomination of Mitt Romney.

Pope Francis I says ridding stereotypes is the key to relations between Christians and Muslims. Eliminating stereotypes is also the only way the Church will ever get young boys to start volunteering again to be altar boys.

Sports Illustrated has laid off all its staff photographers. Who needs real photographers when athletes are spending all their time on the sidelines tweeting selfies?

Sports Illustrated has laid off all its staff photographers. Who needs to pay real photographers when there are millions of freelancers who will do anything just to be included on the shooting for the annual Swimsuit Issue?

A poll says that Americans’ satisfaction with federal income taxes is on the low side. Mostly because so many Americans forgot how much of a bite taxes take since they are finally getting an income for the first time since 2007.

The beer can is celebrating its 80th birthday. The innovation has led to the formation of two other completely separate industries. Recycling and rehab.

A survey says that 46% of Super Bowl advertisers will connect with the viewers. Which means that the other 54% are not advertising beer or using bikini models in their commercials.

A survey says that 46% of Super Bowl advertisers will connect with the viewers. Those are the ones who will see their ads played in the first half before the game has been already decided and some of the fans are still sober.

Modern Farmer magazine has let its entire editorial staff go. Mostly because truly modern farmers have switched over to another magazine for direction. High Times.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz received a 24% boost in his pay package in 2014. In other words, he was given one of those lifetime supply cards.

The NFL is offering services to former players to help them start businesses after their playing careers are over. Apparently the program was suggested by New England Patriots players as a hedge against inflation.

SkyMall, the inflight catalog has filed for bankruptcy. Mostly because of passengers on United and American who can now use electronic gadgets while flying as a way to book the next flight for their connection which has been cancelled.

SkyMall, the inflight catalog has filed for bankruptcy. Mostly because after paying for air fare, luggage charges and all the other fees, no fliers have any money left to buy expensive novelty goods from a magazine.

Billionaires attending the World Economic Forum in Davos walked a combined 8,700 miles to raise money to buy bicycles for underprivileged kids around the world. Which was easier than giving up their private jets to fly coach and using the savings to buy bicycles for every child on the planet.

Forbes says the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable NFL team at $2.1 Billion. The New England Patriots came in second at $1.64 Billion, but as the team will tell you that is before adjusting for inflation.

A study says that saying at home and watching TV can prevent the spread of the flu. Mostly because people glued to the couch will die from heart disease, high blood pressure and obesity long before they catch the flu bug.

A study says that women who lack emotional intimacy with their partner feel more pain if he is in the delivery room. Which is no problem because if there is that little emotional intimacy he is more than likely in the bar across the street from the hospital watching football.

A study says that women who lack emotional intimacy with their partner feel more pain if he is in the delivery room. Although a lack of emotional intimacy with a partner might be a good sign that you shouldn’t be having a baby with them in the first place.

A study says that social media can cause stress. Especially when your wife figures out your Facebook password and sees the messages you have been exchanging with other women.

The FDA has approved a system of apps that will allow mobile monitoring of blood sugar. Which means your doctor will be able to call the emergency room to make a reservation the minute he sees you are sitting down at a table at Krispy Kreme.

A survey says that workers are having to pick up a greater share of health care costs. The worst example is the hospital nurses who can cut some of the expense of their own operations by staying awake and handing the doctor their surgical instruments.

A survey says that workers are having to pick up a greater share of health care costs. Which is good since between the three jobs most people have to work at to make ends meet, no one has time to actually get sick anymore.

Bill Gates says a vaccine for HIV may be available by 2030. An even bigger breakthrough was his announcement that there could be a reliable version of Windows by 2050.

Golden State Warriors guard Klay Thompson set a record with 37 points in one quarter. Or as Kobe Bryant calls that, a great team effort.

The NFLPA is advising New England Patriot players not to talk about Deflategate. Although the whole problem started because no one on the team could control any leaks.

A new app gives the odds of any particular plane flight crashing. There are three categories; Qantas: great. Southwest: good. American: have you bought flight insurance?

A new app gives the odds of any particular plane flight crashing. There isn’t a category for United Airlines since it’s hard to rate the odds of a crash when every flight since 2012 has been cancelled.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad note in the world of baseball. Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks has died at the age of 83. I was too young to get to see him in his prime. By the time I started watching the game he was in semi-retirement at first base. It was always great when Banks played for the Cubs and they came to town because it meant you got to see a future Hall of Famer while your team still got to win the game. How can it get any better than that? His motto was always “Let’s play two.” Which in today’s lingo with pitch counts, relief pitchers and designated hitters translates to “Let’s play about three and a half innings.” Make sure that you send a little of the love today to the man who was great both on and off the field!

Friday, January 23, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Google CEO Eric Schmidt says the Internet as we know it will eventually disappear. Which as people today know that as, owning a computer that operates with Windows Vista.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt says the Internet as we know it will eventually disappear. Which will make it tough to use a search engine like Google when you are spending most your time just searching for the web.

Harvard professors told the World Economic Forum at Davos that privacy is dead. Unless you are someone with less than a billion dollars in personal wealth and a private jet who is actually trying to get inside the World Economic Forum at Davos.

New York State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver has been arrested for corruption, being accused of taking bribes and masking them as legitimate income. To which most politicians are saying “You mean they’re not?”

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick says he doesn’t know how the team’s footballs were deflated. Although he says he will now make sure the person whose job it is to pump up the footballs will be signed up for some strength training sessions.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick says he doesn’t know how the team’s footballs were deflated. Although one clue could be the equipment manager’s autographed copy of the autobiography of Joe Niekro.

Anthropologists say that a 3 Million year old human ancestor had hands that would allow them to grasp and use tools. Although after all that time we still haven’t evolved enough to be able to throw a fully inflated football.

The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has moved the Doomsday Clock to 11:57, three minutes before midnight which signals the end of the world from human activity. Which means it might be a good idea to cancel Daylight Saving Time this March.

The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has moved the Doomsday Clock to 11:57, three minutes before midnight which signals the end of the world from human activity. Not to miss out on any possible trends, Apples used the occasion to introduce their new Doomsday iWatch.

The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has moved the Doomsday Clock to 11:57, three minutes before midnight because of nuclear proliferation and global warming. Which is ironic for the group in that the only way we may be able to stop climate change is with a global atomic conflict that envelops the planet in nuclear winter.

The University of Denver is offering a marijuana law class. It’s the one class where the students are always ready to work on their papers.

The University of Denver is offering a marijuana law class. Since it is an advanced class with a specialized topic, it is considered a 420 level course.

NASA says a telescope aboard a solar studying spacecraft has taken its 100 Millionth picture of the Sun. The only problem is that every single one of them has come back overexposed.

A Russian businessman speaking at the World Economic Form in Davos says sanctions aren’t affecting his country. Going through another few years of having to wait in line for toilet paper might just bring back another nostalgia craze.

Jeff Gordon says he will retire after this year from driving full time on the NASCAR circuit. His plans are to take some time off and travel around the country in a car that lets him make a right turn every once in awhile.

Jeff Gordon says he will retire after this year from driving full time on the NASCAR circuit. Not to say he is getting older, but the other drivers are starting to complain about how hard it is to pass him with his turn signal always blinking.

In a case concerning damage to a floor around a toilet, a German court has ruled that men have the right to pee standing up. Which just shows the Germans could have won either World War if they just had better aim.

In a case concerning damage to a floor around a toilet, a German court has ruled that men have the right to pee standing up. Apparently the judges decided that the men should have the same rights as all the German women.

A survey says the chances of workers getting a raise are the best in years. Employers now say the improving economy has dropped those chances from none to slim.

A report says that McDonald’s french fries have 19 ingredients. The worst part is that none of the ingredients are listed as “potatoes.”

Costco is in a dispute with Omega for selling their watches at too low of a price. Although it hasn’t been too much of an issue because no one has yet been interested in buying $2,000 watches that come only in a 24 pack.

Costco is in a dispute with Omega for selling their watches at too low of a price. The last thing Omega watches wants is for people to think lower prices means their watches are second hand.

T-Mobile is offering a new phone deal to people with bad credit. Which makes sense since most people sign up with T-Mobile after they can’t afford making their monthly payments to Sprint, Verizon and AT&T.

Billionaire Jeff Greene says Americans are in financial trouble because they live too large. Although before he makes statements like that, he should remember what happened to the last person who said that and suggested to “let them eat cake.”

Billionaire Jeff Greene says Americans are in financial trouble because they live too large. Which is a brave statement to make to people who lost their homes in the mortgage crisis considering he is the one who made billions betting against subprime loans.

A report says the NFL’s brand perception is down by half from last year. If it goes down any more, it will be almost as flat as a New England Patriots’ football.

Melvin Gordon, the CEO of Tootsie Rolls has died at age 95. The sad part is he was that close to finally getting to the center of a Tootsie Pop without biting.

Bankers are warning consumers about problems they are facing from the wealth gap. Although it would have been nicer if they would have warned us before their mortgage lending practices destroyed the economy and created the wealth gap.

A study says that people are better at remembering details when they anticipate having to recall them in the future. Apparently the study didn’t include men and birthdays, anniversaries and taking out the trash.

An analysis says that smokers spend more than $1 Million on their habit over their lifetime. The good news about smoking is that it keeps them from going even more in debt by killing them so soon.

A study says it is easier to lose weight and quit smoking if your partner becomes involved. The only problem is for the people who won’t be able to find a partner until they lose 50 pounds and quit smelling like an ashtray.

A study says a handful of walnuts a day can help improve a person’s memory. For one thing, it will help them remember to clean up the shells after they step on the ones they left on the floor with their bare feet.

A study has linked a type of birth control pill to brain tumors. Although the tumors still don’t cause as many headaches compared to what can happen if the person stops taking the pills.

A study says that for career success, it is better to have a conscientious spouse. Although if you a choosing a spouse based on how they will help your career, the best bet is to just marry the boss’s daughter.

California health officials are warning people to stay away from Disneyland unless they have been vaccinated against measles. Which means in order to get inside the theme park, customers will end up getting stuck twice.

A study says that cheerful tweets on Twitter can indicate people with healthier hearts. Mostly because people who are angry get even more wound up that they can’t voice all their complaints in just 140 characters.

Elsa Mars, the woman who plays “The Fat Lady” on the series “American Horror Stories” says producers wanted her to be even bigger and make her wear a fat suit. Apparently the show’s budget just didn’t give them enough money to afford Kirstie Alley.

A report says that many celebrity women are getting tired about always being asked “What are you wearing” while on the red carpet. Which is still better than most other women who get that question asked mostly on 2:00 in the morning booty calls.

Elizabeth Olsen says she has ended her engagement. The rumors started when the Olsen Twin was seen in public without wearing her ring in its usual place. Around her waist.

Jon Gosselin says he is now working as a DJ in Pennsylvania. Which just shows the hardest part of being on a reality TV show is the part when you have to come back to reality.

Johnny Depp says that he is not “quirky” or “eccentric.” Mostly because he is actually downright crazy but is rich enough where no one cares.

Alec Baldwin defended Seth Rogen’s comments about the movie “American Sniper.” Apparently Rogen feels embarrassed. How bad is it when Alec Baldwin agrees with what you are saying?

Alec Baldwin defended Seth Rogen’s comments about the movie “American Sniper.” Apparently Rogen feels embarrassed. Of course, Baldwin agrees. If there is anyone who should speak out against the idea of people wanting to lie in wait to ambush you with a gun, it is Alec Baldwin.

A report says the Ohio State staff and athletic director were given $2 Million in postseason bonuses. Mostly because they were smart enough not to be caught when they deflated the team’s footballs.

A report says the Ohio State staff and athletic director were given $2 Million in postseason bonuses. Which was just considered a tip since it was about 20% of what the alumni association gave in payments to the players.

Madonna has thanked the FBI for arresting the hacker who released her songs on the Internet. Although the FBI admits they started investigated Madonna when they mistakenly thought they were told to look for a music hack.

A survey says that drivers for the ride sharing site Uber are happy. Especially the ones who got away with charging drunk New Year’s revelers more than $100 for driving them less than ten miles.

A study says that people do use calorie charts in restaurants. Mostly because at the cost of dining out these days, they want to make sure they are getting all the fat, sugar and salt they are paying for.

A new feature on Twitter helps people see tweets they may have missed. Which is good news for people who have actually had to put their phones down for five minutes and can catch up with the latest pictures of all their friends’ cats.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is the weekend before the Super Bowl, which means that men all over the country are planning to get together with their friends to talk about the Super Bowl next week. It also means there will not be one flat screen TV available at Best Buy this weekend, but not to worry as they will all be returned and back on the sales floor the week after the game. As  warm weather fan I just can’t get excited about sports until spring training. That’s when baseball players get together to shake off the rust of the offseason and try to get back into form. Sort of like what I seem to do every day here with my jokes. Hope you all have a great weekend. Mine are always good, especially when you remember to send the love!

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

81 year old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburg appeared to have fallen asleep during President Obama’s State of the Union speech Tuesday. How bad is it for the President when she dozes off during his address but can somehow stay awake through the entire Supreme Court docket?

CNN is set to produce a political game show. The working title is “Can You Believe We Used To Be A Respected News Organization?”

CNN is set to produce a political game show. The working title is “Who Wants To Blitz The Wolf?”

A report says that one in five Americans has spend $500 or more without telling their partner. The other four would, but haven’t seen an extra $500 since 2007.

A report says that one in five Americans has spend $500 or more without telling their partner. To which those people are saying “Thanks for spoiling the birthday present.”

A report says that 7.2 Million Americans have a bank or credit card account they have hidden from their spouse. Or as the financial community calls people who hide money from their partners, “men.”

The NFL says the New England Patriots deflated 11 of their 12 game balls against the Indianapolis Colts. Many feel there will be no penalties against the team. Which they are lucky that it is different than how other sports handle cheating, like when Tiger Woods was caught by his wife who caused him to crash his car after chasing him down with a 9 iron.

The NFL says the New England Patriots deflated 11 of their 12 game balls against the Indianapolis Colts. Even President Obama in his State of the Union speech says that now that gas prices are low again people can stop inflating car tires and put that air in their footballs.

A report says that 35 of the world’s wealthiest 80 people are Americans. Which comes down to those being the only people who were smart enough not to try to flip a home using a subprime loan back in 2007.

An Australian woman was able to deliver her own twins by C-section. When you are in the delivery room and they hand you a scalpel in the middle of labor, that’s probably a good time to start looking for a new HMO.

An Australian woman was able to deliver her own twins by C-section. No one even knew Crocodile Dundee’s wife was pregnant.

Scientists say they have found the most dangerous sex position. It’s the one that puts the man farthest from the window when his partner’s husband comes home early.

Scientists say they have found the most dangerous sex position. It’s the one that allows the woman a view of her partner’s cellphone to see who is leaving him text messages while they are in bed.

Scientists say they have found the most dangerous sex position. It’s the one that allows the woman’s hands to be close enough to a knife when her partner calls her the wrong name.

Nicolas Cage is set to star in a movie where he plays an ordinary guy looking for Osama bin Laden. It’s too bad the script didn’t call for the guy to be ordinary enough to read a newspaper once in awhile and see the bin Laden was killed back in 2011.

A study says the brain stores seemingly mundane memories that can be brought back when needed. Like some day when the researchers are asked what was the biggest waste of time in their career, they will remember this study.

A study says the brain stores seemingly mundane memories that can be brought back when needed. There are people who have the ability to bring back unpleasant memories at the most inopportune time. They are called “wives.”

Former WWE wrestlers are suing the organization, claiming it caused them brain damage. The only question is how could they tell?

Former WWE wrestlers are suing the organization, claiming it caused them brain damage. Their legal strategy is to show a jury that the brain damage is so advanced, it is getting hard to find any difference between the wrestlers and the fans.

Former WWE wrestlers are suing the organization, claiming it caused them brain damage. The wrestlers will take the WWE executives to court and hope that the judge throws the chair at them.

The beard on King Tut’s burial mask was reattached improperly with epoxy after falling off during a cleaning. Apparently that will be the last time the Egyptian Museum will hire a crew from the cleaning company of Howard, Fine and Howard.

A study says getting sick can contribute to being foreclosed. And vice versa.

A study says getting sick can contribute to being foreclosed. The problem is that the biggest cause of illness is seeing how much your variable mortgage rate just went up.

A poll says 14% Americans see healthcare and low wages as the top financial problems. The other 86% say their biggest financial problems are health care and no wages.

A study says that less qualified applicants to law school end up paying more. Apparently the law schools figure they will charge those with the lowest test scores more since they won’t be smart enough to graduate and sue them later.

Microsoft says it will give away the Windows 10 operating system as a free upgrade. Which is good news for people who may finally get the chance to see their Windows Vista computers actually boot up.

The CEO of the FX Network says he would rather be the best channel and not have the top ratings. At least he got the second half of his wish.

The CEO of the FX Network says he would rather be the best channel and not have the top ratings. To which NBC is saying they had both until they gave Donald Trump a show.

Cheetos is introducing a new cinnamon and sugar snack called Sweetos. It was made for people who need something to snack on while they are doing laundry to get all the orange dye stains off the rest of their clothes.

A startup called SendMyBag is launching domestic U.S. service that will take luggage on trips from door to door. As opposed to U.S. airlines that also takes your luggage door to door, until they finally find the right house.

O’Hare International Airport in Chicago has reclaimed the title of the world’s busiest. It doesn’t have the most flights or passengers. It’s just that the restaurants and hotels there are busy trying to take care of all the people while they are waiting for their cancelled flights on United to be rescheduled.

United Airlines is expanding its domestic inflight catering, offering lobster to passengers in business class. While is different from the people flying coach who have to be satisfied with the person sitting next to them giving them the crabs.

Some airlines are cutting back on employee flight perks. Workers are becoming concerned that the airlines are starting to treat them almost as badly as if they were customers.

Toyota was once again the world’s auto sales champ, beating out Volkswagen and GM with 10.23 Million cars sold. GM sold 9.92 Million. Although sales results won’t be final until 9.1 Million of the GM cars get back from the shop for the latest recalls.

Microsoft has unveiled its wireless HoloLens, which allows people to see and interact with 3D images all around them. Don’t we already have that? They’re called “eyes.”

A Right-to-Die law has been proposed in California. Once it is passed, the only problem will be figuring out how to get the entire Kardashian family to exercise it.

A study says that e-cigarettes are full of formaldehyde. Which is good news for the people who die from smoking them who will already be more than halfway embalmed.

NKOTB, TLC and Nelly have announced a summer tour. Which is great news for anyone who wasn’t around to see them when they were relevant back in 1993.

Johnny Depp says he is “sickened” by actors who become musicians. Although he didn’t say what he thought of people like Paris Hilton who aren’t either but still make movies and records.

Forbes says the Lakers are the NBA’s most valuable franchise, with a net worth of $2.6 Billion. Although that number drops to $1.3 Billion if you don’t count Kobe Bryant’s jewelry collection.

A study says that early humans dined on animals we now call pets. In other words, the cradle of humanity goes back to ancient Korea.

A study says that chimpanzees chat with each other mostly about food, just like humans. They are so similar that they will also occasionally throw in a comment about how expensive it has become to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

Netflix says it plans to be in 200 countries by 2016, including China. Who would have thought that one day the Chinese people when talking about the Great Wall would be referring to their flat screen TV?

The Commissioner of the IRS is warning of a possible shutdown later this year. Which was met with as much shock and disappointment as the eradication of Ebola.

Google says it wants to sell wireless service through Sprint and T-Mobile. To which Sprint is saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”

Freedompop is launching an unlimited talk, text and data plan through Wi-Fi for $5 a month. Anyone using the service in Wyoming, Montana or North Dakota have a word for cellphones that operate off Wi-Fi. A “paperweight.”

Google, Facebook and Apple spent record amounts of money on lobbyists in 2014. It cost them a fortune to hire the best lobbyists in Washington, D.C. to try to explain the concept of the Internet to the 90% of congressmen who are over 80.

EBay says it will cut 7% of its workforce in the wake of its split with PayPal. The good news is they will give all their former employees a break on the fees they will be charged to sell all their stuff on eBay to try to get by while they are looking for work.

Georgia Governor Nathan Deal disappeared Wednesday with his office refusing to say where he went. Tabloid magazines are just hoping when he shows up the official reason he was gone was to go hike the Appalachian Trail.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am off from my real job today and tomorrow, but don’t let that worry you. I will still be cranking out the jokes. The question most people have is how does someone who puts this stuff out even have a real job? To that I say if Lindsay Lohan can still find work anything is possible. Even though I will be enjoying my afternoon and evening off, don’t let that stop you from continuing to send the love!