Sunday, August 28, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Billionaire Richard Branson says he was nearly killed in a bicycle accident last week. To which George W. Bush says that’s what happens when you take the training wheels off.

Billionaire Richard Branson says he was nearly killed in a bicycle accident last week. Ironically, he was pedaling on his way to go see a concert with Bono and U2.

Louis Vuitton has paid $122 Million to buy a store on Beverly Hills’ Rodeo Drive. The investment was a huge risk, and will take selling at least 20 Louis Vuitton handbags to make back the money.

A psychiatrist says up to 60% of college students have a psychological disorder. Mostly anxiety and depression knowing they will be working the next 40 years to pay off their student loans.

A psychiatrist says up to 60% of college students have a psychological disorder. The idea is that paying all that money to get drunk and have sex for four years is still cheaper and more beneficial than visiting a therapist.

A study says binge watching TV can result in depression, weight gain and no sex. Mostly because who wants to have sex with a sad and morbidly obese person who just wants to sit and watch three straight seasons of “Game of Thrones”?

A study says upbeat music makes workers more productive. Although the Seven Dwarfs had to work in a mine and even whistling while they worked didn’t stop one of them from being Grumpy.

Japanese authorities warned of a possible measles outbreak from an infected fan who went to a Justin Bieber concert. Which is not much different from other Bieber concerts which have been canceled because of chicken pox, mumps and diaper rash.

The U.S. is considering speed limiting devices on trucks and buses which would allow them to go a maximum of 60, 65 or 68 MPH. It’s being fought by truckers who say sometimes they need to go 85 MPH to get to the next truck stop quickly to score a fresh supply when they run out of amphetamines.

Portland, Oregon has called for a ban on religious, talk and rap music being played on the radio in school buses. Authorities don’t want children to be exposed to dangerous, mind altering formats that preach violence and hatred. And they think the rap music can be too loud.

A top Pentagon weapons tester say the F 35 fighter jet has “significant problems.” For one thing, the plane costs so much money there was nowhere near enough left over to bribe the testers to give it their usual glowing report.

A couple was rescued from an uninhabited island in Micronesia when searchers spotted their SOS in the sand. The sad part is the distress message was apparently left there but never seen by another group that didn’t make it, leaving behind seven skeletons and a boat called the S.S. Minnow.

Movie theaters are looking to enhance films with seats that move along with the action. Which for most moviegoers, the only movement they want from their seat is to take them over to the concession stand for a popcorn refill.

A report says pushing the retirement age to 70 will be harder on low income workers. Mostly because they won’t have as much money to get by on as they will with their current plan that keeps them working until they are 94.

Four airlines have been fined for giving customers inaccurate information about compensation for being bumped and lost luggage. Especially United, which gave passengers on canceled flights with no luggage a flight attendant’s uniform to wear while they instead had them driven to their destination on Uber.

Berkeley, California has approved a $15 an hour minimum wage in the city by 2018. Which is a good news for the people who know they will then be making just $35 an hour less than the poverty line for anyone living in Berkeley.

Berkeley, California has approved a $15 an hour minimum wage in the city by 2018. That will be a relief to all the UC Berkeley grads who know they will be able to get a job that will allow them to pay off their student loans in as little as 73 years.

A poll says the image of the real estate profession is improving. Mostly because during this election cycle it’s easy to look good compared to the politicians, media and uninformed voters.

Dr. D.A. Henderson, who helped the world eliminate smallpox has died at age 87. His one regret on his deathbed was that he should have let someone else worry about smallpox and done more work on geriatrics.

Members of the Senate are calling for Mylan, the makers of the EpiPen to give a briefing on their 500% price hike. Not only that, they gave Mylan CEO Heather Bresch a note to take home and have signed by her dad Senator Joe Manchin.

Members of the Senate are calling for Mylan, the makers of the EpiPen to give a briefing on their 500% price hike. To which Mylan says they will do that when the Senate gives them a briefing on why our country is $19 Trillion in debt.

A report says tattoo ink could be harmful even years later. Which makes sense. After all, how many tattoos have you ever seen on the old folks living in a retirement home?

The men working at a bra company in Belgium are being forced to wear weights simulating size E cup breasts around their neck so they know how women feel. The strange part is that after three months the men said they wanted the weights increased so they could be size double F.

The men working at a bra company in Belgium are being forced to wear weights simulating size E cup breasts around their neck so they know how women feel. The interesting part is that within a few weeks all the men wearing simulated large breasts were given promotions and a big raise.

A study says girls who are given realistic baby simulators to take care of are more likely to get pregnant. No one had any idea that it would result in all the 15 year old boys becoming attracted to the idea of going out with a 17 year old MILF.

A study says even a little exercise can help in staving off dementia. Especially for the people who when they go for more than just a walk around the block results in organizing a search party.

A survey says 1 in 4 U.S. adults sought help last year for neck and back pain. The other 3 know that the pain in their necks and backsides were just a result of dealing with their teenage kids.

A report says Obamacare saved Medicare $466 Million last year. Which was exactly the same amount of money spent by congressional Republicans in calling for 50 different votes to overturn Obamacare.

Ryan Lochte has been named as one of the contestants on “Dancing With The Stars.” The tricky part will be performing a Tango while wearing handcuffs and leg shackles.

Ryan Lochte has been named as one of the contestants on “Dancing With The Stars.” The hard part will be finding a partner who feels comfortable being able to work with him doing routines in synchronized swimming.

Natalie Portman says she loves living in L.A. after spending a few years in Paris because “everyone smiles a lot.” Apparently she doesn’t realize it is only the result of all the people just coming back from the Botox clinic.

Natalie Portman says she loves living in L.A. after spending a few years in Paris because “everyone smiles a lot.” Which is mostly because it is hard to wear a smile when no one around you has seen the inside of a bathtub in the past three weeks.

Kylie Jenner is denying she has had breast implant surgery. Apparently unlike the rest of her family she is drawing the line at plastic surgery on her lips, nose and backside.

Kylie Jenner is denying she has had breast implant surgery. Apparently she was already to do the procedure but decided she would be a better daughter if she instead gave her appointment time to her dad Caitlyn Jenner.

Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood won a copyright lawsuit over their song “Remind Me.” Apparently the lawsuit wasn’t specific enough, just a claim by Marvin Gaye’s family that it sounded like something he recorded once.

San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick sat through the national anthem at a preseason game as a protest of the treatment of minorities. Unlike Johnny Manziel who sits through the anthem because on Sunday it’s hard to stand up after being out all Saturday night.

A Canadian liquor store was robbed by a man wearing a goalie uniform and hockey stick. If caught and convicted, the robber could be sent to the penalty box for a ten minute major misconduct.

A Canadian liquor store was robbed by a man wearing a goalie uniform and hockey stick. Since he didn’t use a gun in the robbery the Canadian prosecutors will probably allow him to skate.

A new app allows people to diagnose car problems with their smartphone. Which is ironic when the car won’t start after crashing into a tree because the driver was using their smartphone to text while behind the wheel.

Google executives say they don’t know how their self-driving cars will make life and death decisions in situations where an accident is unavoidable. Although it will probably have to do with the car deciding which outcome will have less legal liability for Google.

Six scientists have wrapped up a year long near isolation Mars-like simulation in Hawaii. Or as research scientists call that, a trip to Hawaii.

Apple has seen its iPhone sales drop in Brazil. Mostly because the Brazilian equivalent of Pokemon Go where people use their iPhones to snap pictures of Ryan Lochte vandalizing gas station bathrooms pretty much ended after the Olympics.

A report says Donald Trump has spent $8.4 Million on digital consulting in July. Which is a lot of money to pay to just have someone tell him to keep playing to his base by sending out more angry, racist tweets.

A report says Donald Trump has spent $8.4 Million on digital consulting in July. Which judging by his tweets shows that Trump’s idea of being consulted digitally is having someone telling him to keep showing his opponents his middle digit.

Maine Governor Paul LePage says drug dealers are “the enemy” who are “people of color.” The good news is that it is easy to spot them as it’s hard to hide among all the other residents of Maine whose skin tones range from white to pale to ashen.

Former Major League pitcher Bill “Spaceman” Lee is running for Governor of Vermont. Which is a good thing for Hillary Clinton because if Lee was around during the presidential primaries he would have been the one person who could have actually made Bernie Sanders appear more mainstream.

Joe Biden has announced a $2.4 Billion upgrade for Amtrak. Mostly since Biden is in his last few months as Vice President and wants to fix the trains up since after January he will be stuck riding them again.

Joe Biden has announced a $2.4 Billion upgrade for Amtrak which will include engines that travel up to 160 MPH. The improvements will mean Amtrak passengers  will be able to go twice as far in the same amount of time before the train goes flying off the tracks.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the presidential race is really heating up these days. You can just feel the fever pitch among voters has made it all the way up to lukewarm. If it gets any hotter it could boil over to room temperature. Several states have outlawed taking a cellphone into the voting booth just so people will have a free hand to hold their nose while pulling the lever. Of course, anyone under 40 will read that last line and say “What does he mean ‘pulling the lever’?” Sorry, not every state has made it to the high tech world of electronic ballots. You’ll just have to adjust that joke to your own state’s voting procedures. Just remember you don’t need to wait until election day to vote. You can send your own powerful message every day when you take the time to keep on sending the love!


Friday, August 26, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Swimmer Katie Ledecky turned down $5 Million in endorsements to attend Stanford. She figures going to school now on a free scholarship without the millions would still put her ahead if she went later and had to pay for it with tuition loans.

New York City’s Bryant Park is tracking visitors for their behavior. Especially the perverts who like to come to the park to relax and get some fresh air between times where they expose themselves to women on the subways.

New York City’s Bryant Park is tracking visitors for their behavior. Mostly the minor league criminals who go there to practice in hopes they will someday be called up to work in Central Park.

Doctors are telling fans that acoustics in the new Vikings stadium in Minneapolis could cause hearing loss. The good news is that the noise level has been kept down as Vikings fans haven’t had anything to cheer about since 1998.

Ryan Lochte will reportedly be summoned to testify in Brazil over his claims of being robbed. Just like I am going to drive to Cleveland to finally take care of that parking ticket I got back in 2003.

Ryan Lochte will reportedly be summoned to testify in Brazil over his claims of being robbed. Not only that, but he is also wanted for questioning in New York as part of the investigation as to who stole Matt Lauer’s interview socks.

A man in New York who stole beer from a liquor store while dressed as Batman with a Captain America mask will not be charged. At least he could have justified it if he wore a Lone Ranger outfit and tried to steal some Coors Light Silver Bullets.

Robots have been trained by researchers to react to movie trailers. Don’t we already have that? The scientists have apparently never seen “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”

 Robots have been trained by researchers to react to movie trailers. Which came as no surprise that the robots walked out the minute they started screening the latest Adam Sandler film.

Domino’s has been approved to try drone delivery in New Zealand. The pizzas will come with two free toppings and no extra charge for the pigeon poop.

A report says more teens are opting out of social media. The scary part is when they do it because they can see Pikachu and Charizard without using a cellphone.

A report says more teens are opting out of social media. The best part is for parents who can watch their 16 year old put down their cellphones and experience going outside and seeing a tree for the first time.

The nephew of Colonel Sanders may have inadvertently exposed the KFC secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices. Which isn’t really that big of a deal since you could dip chicken in Elmer’s glue and people would eat it as long as it is fried.

The University of Chicago is telling freshmen not to expect any safe spaces that offer protection from discomfort on campus. After all, why should the university be any different than if they were going anywhere else in Chicago?

Uber is reporting losses of at least $1.2 Billion for the first half of 2016. Mostly because people are finding out they would rather walk than take a ride using Uber and have to listen to another unemployed graduate student driving a Prius.

The impeachment trial of Brazil’s President Dilma Rousseff is ready to get underway. Things aren’t looking good as the best character witness on her behalf that her defense team was able to get so far is Ryan Lochte.

A south Florida couple has lost a lawsuit trying to overturn their town’s ban against growing vegetable gardens in the front yard. Apparently city leaders feel that rows of squash are not a desirable alternative to the traditional front yard decorations of plastic pink flamingos.

Pharmaceutical company Mylan says it will help people pay for its EpiPen allergy medication device. Apparently their plan is after raising the price by more than 500% they will give all their customers a special 10% discount coupon.

Pharmaceutical company Mylan says it will help people pay for its EpiPen allergy medication device. Which is good news, especially for people who have severe allergic reactions to being suckered by corporate scam artists.

Ryan Lochte has landed an endorsement contract with Pine Brothers cough drops. The company has gotten all kinds of business from people pretending to need a lozenge when they walk past Lochte and say (cough cough) “Douchebag!” (cough cough)

A report says global trading is at its slowest pace in seven years. Mostly from the economy being so bad that Americans just don’t have enough money to waste on the cheap foreign made crap they buy every day at Wal-Mart.

Ariana Grande is being sued for plagiarism over her single “One Last Time.” Not only that, but people buying her music are also suing because they swear it’s the same person singing when they listen to her, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Britney Spears.

Uber is testing a $2 flat fee for riding in an Uber pool where several people going the same direction get in one car. Apparently they got the idea after watching people climb out of the trunk of a Chevy after making it across the U.S. Mexico border.

Dr. Drew Pinsky has been canceled by Headline News, saying he they appreciate him being the “authoritative voice on addiction.” The only problem is that he couldn’t ever get anyone hooked on tuning in to watch Headline News.

A report says Dollar General and Dollar Tree showed recent weak sales growth. Mostly because it’s just hard to find any Americans in this economy who still have a dollar.

The Secret Service says it has found $6 Million in counterfeit cash in the Bay Area. Which finally explains how anyone is able to afford a 20% down payment on any home currently listed in San Francisco.

Ex-pharma CEO Martin Shkreli who raised the price of an AIDS drug by 5400% is defending the EpiPen price hike by Mylan. Well, that ought to get public sentiment over to their side.

Mylan is pushing for health insurance reform, saying people are having to pay higher premiums and full price for medicine. Not to mention the CEOs of the pharmaceutical companies needing to come up with a monthly mortgage payment for three different vacation homes.

Mylan CEO Heather Bresch after raising the price of EpiPens by 500% says that patients deserve increased price transparency. To which their customers are saying that is not an issue because they can see right through them on this one.

Ford is recalling 91,000 cars for fuel pump issues that cause their vehicles to stall. Which is good news for Ford owners who can now get that problem fixed to see why they won’t start all those other times.

The WHO says no one caught the Zika virus at the Olympics. Mostly because even the mosquitoes were afraid to go near that diving pool water.

A study says that pharmaceuticals are polluting streams in many urban areas. To which Mylan is now saying that should allow them to start charging a surtax on the local water bills.

A study says that paying people cash may get people to quit smoking. The only issue is that when people stop smoking, they don’t need the money now that they aren’t paying for cigarettes, doctor’s visits or a down payment on their cemetery plot.  

A study says that pharmacies charge their customers less money for cigarettes and more for bottled water than other stores. Mostly because they see the incentive to promote return business for the medications they sell to people who smoke and drink soda and alcohol.

A survey says that hair transplants make men look younger and more attractive. Although it’s hard to argue with the power of a bad combover seeing how far it has gotten Donald Trump.

Former WWE wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson tops Forbes’ list of the world’s highest paid actors. Well, that ought to take away any questions or doubt as wrestling being a legitimate sport.

Former WWE wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson tops Forbes’ list of the world’s highest paid actors. Not only is he an actor, he does all his own stunts as long as it involves jumping off a taught rope or being hit with a folding chair.

John Gosselin says he is shocked at being slammed by his two oldest daughters. On the other hand he was pleasantly surprised they even remembered who he is.

Bruce Springsteen played what is said to be his longest U.S. concert ever in New Jersey at nearly four hours. Not to say he is getting a little old, but the reason it took so long was for an intermission nap, timeouts for a few cans of Boost and several breaks to pee.

Bruce Springsteen played what is said to be his longest U.S. concert ever in New Jersey at nearly four hours. Not to say he is getting older, but it is good to see him wander through the crowds now that his venues include handicap stage ramps.

Bruce Springsteen played what is said to be his longest U.S. concert ever in New Jersey at nearly four hours. Not to say he is getting a bit older, but his encore song has been changed a bit to “Born To Shuffle Along With A Slight Limp.”

Larry King was reportedly blindsided by his wife’s alleged affair. Apparently she wanted a little more action and took up with someone whose age is still in double digits.

Larry King was reportedly blindsided by his wife’s alleged affair. Which is literally true as they were carrying on right in front of him but he couldn’t see them because they were on his blind side.

The Canadian Football League says it would welcome Johnny Manziel “with conditions.” Although that was tried by the NFL but didn’t work because the conditions included staying sober, showing up and not having to be bailed out every other weekend.

The Canadian Football League says it would welcome Johnny Manziel “with conditions.” The good news is that only a few CFL games are played on Sunday so that will take away the nuisance of trying to call signals while nursing a wicked hangover.

A new refrigerator boasts a glass front so people can see what is inside without opening the door. Which is totally useless for bachelors who know exactly what is inside. Half of a six pack of beer, an expired milk carton and one of those lime shaped juice containers.

The U.S. is telling the European Union to stop cracking down on U.S. companies for tax avoidance. The U.S. government apparently feels it would be unfair after all these years to finally make U.S. corporations start paying taxes.

John McCain’s primary opponent is campaigning against him saying he is too old and may die in office. Which is ironic in that the biggest fear in the presidential election is that whomever wins will manage to live long enough to run for a second term.

Donald Trump says the first thing he will do as President will be deport criminal illegal aliens. Actually it will be the second thing he does, after going through the records of the crew he hires to hang the large neon “Trump” sign over the White House.

Donald Trump says the first thing he will do as President will be deport criminal illegal aliens. He will catch them by repeatedly putting ads in for a new White House gardening crew to take the place of all the other ones who just keep vanishing.

Montel Williams blasted Donald Trump saying “A racist is as a racist does.” Apparently he got confused and mixed up the idea of “dump Trump” with Forrest Gump.

One of the women named to Donald Trump’s team of economic advisers says she has never spoken to him. And the best way to stay on as one of Trump’s advisers is to keep it that way.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad personal note today. You won’t know this name, but one of the local radio greats in the Charleston, WV market Billy Shahan passed away from cancer yesterday at age 55. He was a personal friend and just a good person who worked hard and made a long career in a tough business. Just some sad news for me and the other who knew and listened to him. Say a prayer for Billy and keep him in your thoughts when you take the time to keep sending the love.


Thursday, August 25, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says nearly half of Americans don’t believe in God or miracles. But that could change when Snoop Dogg declares his last minute candidacy and is elected President.

Protests are mounting over a Shakespearean play that will be performed in a New York park with nude actors. Although supporters of the event say it is Much Ado About Nothing.

Protests are mounting over a Shakespearean play that will be performed in a New York park with nude actors. The idea came about as an expression of freedom, a chance to try something different and a way to save a fortune on costuming.

Protests are mounting over a Shakespearean play that will be performed in a New York park with nude actors. It’s a brand new concept, instead of theater in the round they are trying theater in the buff.

A study says that social isolation is as bad for people as smoking. Especially when they are isolated socially because they keep lighting up every ten minutes.

San Francisco has been named the world’s most expensive city, requiring an income of $160,000 to qualify to buy a house. Although that depends on whether the person wants to buy a two door Amana refrigerator box to live in or a single door Kenmore.

San Francisco has been named the world’s most expensive city, requiring an income of $160,000 to qualify to buy a house. In Pittsburgh, it only takes a yearly income of $32,000. The only problem is finding a job in Pittsburgh that pays more than $23,000 a year.

A report says Facebook is admitting to 98 facts and secrets they know about all their users. Which in most cases means knowing what they ate for breakfast every day for the past three months.

Astronaut Jeff Williams has set a record for the most days in space at 521. He has beaten the previous record that was held by Dennis Rodman.

A study says people are more likely to divorce once they start watching Internet porn. Especially people who are reminded what it is they have been missing ever since they tied the knot.

Now that the Rio Olympics are over, Brazil is asking itself what to do about the fate of its disgraced president Dilma Rousseff. The good news for supporters is that many are becoming more lenient after the Olympics, saying at least she isn’t Ryan Lochte.

A report says some elementary school students are being given up to three times the recommended levels of homework every night. Which can be understood when the students complain that is nearly double what they should have.

AAA is warning drivers not to trust automatic braking systems to avoid crashes. Although if we could trust manual systems and the ability of human drivers, no one would have bothered to invent an automatic system in the first place.

AAA is warning drivers not to trust automatic braking systems to avoid crashes. What’s bad is that the message was sent out as a text so people who are currently behind the wheel would be sure to see it.

Former pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli who raised the price of an AIDS drug more than 5,000% says medications should be expensive because they are valuable. On that note, he is currently trying to come up with a way to charge people for the oxygen they breathe each day.

Former pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli who raised the price of an AIDS drug more than 5,000% says medications should be expensive because they are valuable. Which is why people shouldn’t be surprised at their utility company next month when they see their water bill increased by 7,000%.

A survey shows that most women leave the engineering field because of rampant sexism. The rest make the decision when they realize they will have to spend every lunch hour for the next 30 years listening to which country each of them was able to receive the night before on their Ham radio.

The Port Authority says a record 60 Million travelers used New York’s three main airports the first half of 2016. Although that may have been skewed as 10 Million of them were there trying to complete their flights on United that originated in 2014.

The Department of Agriculture is set to buy 11 Million pounds of surplus cheese to give to pantries and food banks. The move will help dairy farmers by raising prices. It will also benefit doctors who will see more patients because of the increase in their waist size and cholesterol levels.

A report says California could become a pot epicenter with a potential $6.5 Billion market by 2020 if a ballot proposition passes in November. The only problem is getting the people most likely to vote for it to the polls sometime before December.

A report says California could become a pot epicenter with a potential $6.5 Billion market by 2020 if a ballot proposition passes in November. The only problem is that once everyone starts getting high legally, the rest of the yearly economic output will drop to $23.85.

A poll says fewer U.S. workers report making less money than before. The only problem is figuring out if the way that is worded makes it a good thing or bad.

Bankrupt renewable energy company SunEdison has won a court’s approval to award its executives their bonus money. Although that must be a tough argument to say the executives deserve a big reward for taking a company right down the toilet.

Ford has recalled 113,000 cars for fuel pump issues. It is the biggest fuel pump issue that has affected vehicles since their owners couldn’t drive them when oil company executives jacked the price at the fuel pump to more than $4 a gallon.

A report says iPhone 6 customers are being plagued with touchscreen problems. Mostly from constantly hitting their screen when their phone is unable to capture Pikachu.

A report says following a year filled with recalls, Americans are more satisfied with their cars. And they should be since anyone buying a GM vehicle after 2014 no longer has a used car since virtually every part has been replaced with a new one.

The maker of the EpiPen has reportedly increased the price of several other medications. Apparently they made the move so people buying EpiPens won’t feel so bad after seeing everyone else has to pay 500% more for their pharmacy bill.

A study says older adults are less stressed and happier than younger people. Mostly because they know when the younger generation reaches retirement age, they will still be looking at another 20 years of paying off their college tuition loans.

A study says the mental toll from a bad job can last decades. Which is why when you watch the Fox News Channel you can see how working for Roger Ailes turns today’s Megyn Kelly into tomorrow’s Bill O’Reilly.

Kourtney Kardashian says a reconciliation with her ex Scott Disik would be “so much work.” To which everyone else in the Kardashian family was asking “What is work?”

North Korea has launched its own version of Netflix called “Manbang.” Which apparently takes its name from the haircut worn by Kim Jong-un.

North Korea has launched its own free version of Netflix called “Manbang.” The reason being the $7 fee for Netflix pretty much equals the average North Korean’s yearly income.

North Korea has launched its own version of Netflix called “Manbang.” There isn’t quite the variety of the other streaming services. For instance, it offers three channels and an endless looping of Adam Sandler’s “Little Nicky.”

The movie “Southside With You” opens this week, about the first date of Barack and Michelle Obama. It takes place in Chicago, which is different than a similarly proposed documentary from Fox News which would be shot on location in Kenya.

Ryan Lochte’s Playboy model girlfriend says she is supporting him in the wake of his Olympic scandal. She says she will stand by him, just not when he goes to use a gas station bathroom.

Britney Spears says she almost drowned on a recent trip to Hawaii. Apparently she was caught in a rip tide and couldn’t yell for help without Auto-Tune.

Renee Zellwegger says there are “no negatives” when it comes to aging. At least for any actresses over 40 who don’t mind staying in Hollywood and living a life of complete social and professional isolation.

Goalkeeper Hope Solo has been suspended for six months by U.S. Soccer for her comments following a loss to Sweden. Although the experience taught her a valuable lesson. You can only say anything you want as long as your team is winning.

A U.S. Ski Team physician has opened a clinic to protect athletes’ brains. Apparently he was inspired to make the move after he realized it was just too late to help Bode Miller.

Albert Pujols has passed Mark McGwire for 10th place on the all-time home run list. That means with 584 home runs, he is only 178 homers, 325 hypodermic needles and seven hat sized behind all time champ Barry Bonds.

A report says Ryan Lochte is a candidate to be on “Dancing With The Stars.” The only problem is that producers worried when any judges vote against him he will claim he was robbed.

Rob Gronkowski is calling out the Dallas Cowboys for stealing the New England Patriots’ motto of “Do your job.” Which is not to be confused with the Patriots’ team slogan of “Don’t get caught.”

Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal have signed up for the first Laver Cup, billed as the tennis equivalent of the Ryder Cup. Although so far the first couple of entries makes it sound more like tennis’ version of the Senior Tour.

The Chicago White Sox stadium will now be known as Guaranteed Rate Field. Which sounds more like a policy meant to do away with ticket agencies and scalpers.

The Chicago White Sox stadium will now be known as Guaranteed Rate Field. Which is not to be confused with the Oakland A’s sewage challenged ballpark which is known around the league as Third Rate Field.

An Illinois man claims that bottles and cans naturally just stick to his head. He is planning to capitalize on it by moving to Michigan where at least the deposit he can collect on any containers stuck to his head will be ten cents instead of the usual five.

A Japanese driver killed a woman while he was playing Pokemon Go behind the wheel. His defense is that he wasn’t wearing his glasses and thought she was Charizard.

Switzerland has enlisted robots to help deliver the mail. The only problem is that when they go up to the mailbox they are constantly being chased down the street by a Roomba.

The Indian government is investigating a leak of 22,000 pages of documents about their high tech submarine fleet. Mostly because when it comes to information about submarines, the last word you want to hear is “leak.”

The Indian government is investigating a leak of 22,000 pages of documents about their high tech submarine fleet. The worst part is that most of the documents were found on Hillary Clinton’s private e-mail server.

Scientists in Canada are doing experiments about the effects of marijuana on rodents. Which finally explains where that New York City pizza rat came from.

Microsoft says 60% of U.S. teens have secret online accounts. Which their parents will never find out about because they are too concerned about making sure no one discovers their membership on Ashley Madison.

A survey says that kids would rather watch Youtube than eat at McDonald’s. The only question is figuring out which one is worse for their health.

A survey says that kids would rather watch Youtube than eat at McDonald’s. Mostly because the preferred foods while watching Youtube are Doritos, Oreos and pizza.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you enjoy the jokes. If not, you just came a long ways to get to this part which isn’t even funny. My jokes may not be all that funny, but at least they keep you busy for a while. The motto here is quantity over quality, just because it is so much easier that way. For me, the quality arrives when you all remember to keep on sending the love!