Thursday, March 23, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

“Gong Show” creator Chuck Barris has died at age 87. He claims that in the 1960s he was an assassin for the CIA. Which finally explains this whole files breach by WikiLeaks, the Russian election hack and spying on presidential candidates.

“Gong Show” creator Chuck Barris has died at age 87. He also created “The Dating Game” which to people in the 1960s was the pre-Internet version of Tinder.

Researchers says brain scans of people watching movies can predict how much money the films will take in. The tough part is monitoring people watching any Adam Sandler films and getting anything more than a flatline.

An Alzheimer’s test can reportedly predict when the disease will appear. Patients can expect bad news if they are asked by test administrators to pay cash up front.

A survey says one in four people believe robots would make better politicians than people. Those are the same people who wish the 2000 election would have gone to Al Gore.

A survey says one in four people believe robots would make better politicians than people. Which is ironic in that we still can’t go to the polls and be sure the electronic voting machines are working correctly.

A report says ISIS is tracking American soldiers online. The good news is that it is tough to identify any Marines since its impossible to find pictures of them online where they are wearing any clothes.

A study says losing the sense of smell can predict an early death. Mostly because those people are much more likely to go ahead and eat what they are served at Taco Bell.

A poll sees optimism growing with age. Mostly for the people who have reached age 70 who know they only have another 20 years before they can finally afford to retire.

A poll sees optimism growing with age. Two thirds of those 70 or older rate their lives excellent or very good. Mostly because they are getting to the point where they think it may be just another few years before their kids move out of their basement.

A study says Americans are dying with an average debt of $62,000. Of course, that is mostly what it takes to cover the cost of their funeral.

A study says Americans are dying with an average debt of $62,000. Which is why on their deathbeds, many of them utter the last words “I win!”

A study says Americans are dying with an average debt of $62,000. To which many seniors are saying it would have been different if only they hadn’t been talked into joining the Columbia House record club back in 1967.

A report says Payless shoe stores will be filing bankruptcy soon. Which is ironic since it means their creditors are about to be paid a lot less.

Starbucks says it will create 240,000 jobs by 2021. In fact, they are already getting people standing outside their stores holding signs saying “Will barista for coffee.”

A report says Brazil’s meat exports are collapsing in the wake of a meat inspection scandal. To which the FDA is saying “meat inspections?”

The tomb where Jesus was believed to be buried will reopen after extensive restoration. Although workers are being criticized as it is being finished way too late for the viewing.

Malaysia says it won’t censor the new “Power Rangers” movie that features a gay character. People were surprised that one of the Power Rangers is gay. The others for now will just be assumed to still be in denial.

A study says Chicago will lose $17 Million in revenue by delaying their red light cameras by two tenths of a second. It’s Chicago. They could slow their cameras by 20 minutes and still catch red light runners who are stuck in the intersection.

A study says Chicago will lose $17 Million in revenue by delaying their red light cameras by two tenths of a second. Or as most Americans call throwing away $17 Million in two tenths of a second, the national budget.

The Army says it is preparing for war that takes place in megacities with populations of more than 10 Million people. Which means Donald Trump really is serious about taking back all those American jobs that went to India.

17,000 AT&T workers in California and Nevada went on strike this week. To which AT&T customers across the region are asking how anyone can tell.

Sears and Kmart say they might not have enough money to restock their shelves. Retail experts were confused. Who is still going into Sears and Kmart and buying anything off the shelf?

Sears and Kmart say they might not have enough money to restock their shelves. Although even if they did have money, where is Sears going to find any floral print wide ties and bell bottom slacks to replace what is currently in stock?

A survey says 94% of tech workers say they give the industry a passing grade when it comes to diversity. In fact most of them report recently seeing someone on the job who wasn’t a white male with glasses, a beard and a man bun wearing a Polo shirt.

Sears says it has “substantial doubt” about its future. To which investors, customers and competitors are saying “You’re just figuring that out now?”

Federal authorities in Puerto Rico say they have confiscated 40,000 counterfeit condoms from China. That’s a good thing. How trustworthy are condoms coming from a country that has a population of 1.3 Billion?

A smartphone device could screen sperm samples to test men’s fertility. The only problem is that after the test, users report having a really gummed up touch screen.

A smartphone device could screen sperm samples to test men’s fertility. What’s even easier is that the sperm sample can be obtained by just leaving the phone in a front pocket while leaving it set on “vibrate.”

A smartphone device could screen sperm samples to test men’s fertility. Although men who use their phones to bingewatch Netflix and look at cat videos all day don’t have to worry about the chance at ever becoming a father anyway.

A study says many women start off their pregnancy with a poor diet. Which makes sense as drinking all night without eating anything is probably how they got pregnant in the first place.

Mylan has recalled 80,000 EpiPens over a defect. The company is now thinking that maybe some of their price increase to $600 a unit could have been used to actually improve the product instead of going directly into the CEO’s stock portfolio.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced there will be fewer commercials during televised games. Especially during the post game so people in the locker room will have less time during the breaks to steal players’ memorabilia.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced there will be fewer commercials during televised games. The only exception will be during instant replay reviews where officials need about 75 commercials before they actually make a decision.

“Married At First Sight” stars Sonia Granados and Nick Pendergrast have announce they are getting divorced after less than a year of marriage. Or as they say in reality TV, they aren’t renewing each other for a second season.

“Married At First Sight” stars Sonia Granados and Nick Pendergrast have announce they are getting divorced after less than a year of marriage. Which means they could start up a new show called “Marriage At First Sight…On Second Thought, Divorce.”

Lindsay Lohan is starting a reality show where she causes mahem on people’s social media accounts and makes them do embarrassing challenges to win prizes. Which kind of sounds like a capsulated version of Lohan’s career.

Lindsay Lohan is starting a reality show where she causes mahem on people’s social media accounts and makes them do embarrassing challenges to win prizes. Although it would be just as entertaining to put a camera on Lohan while she drives herself between clubs on a Saturday night.

Jordan Spieth and Rory McIlroy lost in the first round of round robin play at the WCG Match Play in Austin to Hideto Tanihara and Soren Kjeldsen. And you thought your NCAA brackets were messed up after the Duke and Villanova games.

Phil Mickelson says he won’t be called to testify as a witness in an insider trading trial he was involved in. As a golfer, Mickelson believes that any penalties should be called by the defendant on himself.

Phil Mickelson says he won’t be called to testify as a witness in an insider trading trial he was involved in. The question is, why would Mickelson get involved with those people in the first place. How much more money does a guy need who marks his ball with an 1849 gold Double Eagle?

Roger Goodell has revealed changes that will speed up the pace of football games. To which the Atlanta Falcons are still trying to figure out how they could have done away with the last two minutes of the Super Bowl.

An anatomy analysis is changing scientists’ minds about the makeup of the dinosaur family tree. That and someone sent in some DNA from a T-Rex to Ancestry.com.

The oldest Vespa motor scooter in existence is up for auction. The only question is why would anyone want to even be seen driving around on a new one?

A report says the supply of Bay Area starter homes is rising. Which in the Bay Area, a “starter” home means that buying one starts you on a debt that you will have to live to be 157 years old to pay off.

A new school in Portland, Maine is teaching Millennials how to grow up. The first thing is how about trying to be an adult yourself instead of enrolling at a school to have someone tell you how?

A new school in Portland, Maine is teaching Millennials how to grow up. It’s too bad they just can’t walk upstairs from the basement they are living in and ask their parents.

A bill in Mississippi restricts politicians from using campaign money for personal expenses. Apparently until now there has been no law there against stealing.

A bill in Mississippi restricts politicians from using campaign money for personal expenses. As of now, politicians there will just have to rely on the old school method of padding their wallets with bribes, kickbacks and payoffs.

John McCain says Congress is “not credible enough” to handle investigations into Russia’s ties to the Trump Administration. How bad is it to get a credibility lecture from the person who picked Sarah Palin as his vice presidential running mate?

Nevada has approved the ERA, 35 years after the passage deadline of 1982. Next, they will start working on the women’s right to vote, the Civil Rights Act and integrating schools.

Donald Trump’s approval ratings are down to 37% with his honesty ratings an even lower 35%. At least he can finally say that there are now two things that his numbers were higher than on Election Day.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the day that Congress will vote on the Obamacare repeal. This ought to be interesting. Republicans are trying to do something they said was impossible, coming up with a worse plan than the ACA. Here’s how it works: Make health care so expensive that everyone will become motivated to become a millionaire so they can afford to have it. Brilliant. We will become the wealthiest nation in world history. Two things, just don’t get sick and remember to keep on always sending the love!



Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Amazon is expanding a program to remove counterfeit goods from their website. The only problem is that the message was sent out through Amezun.com.

Amazon is expanding a program to remove counterfeit goods from their website. Jeff Bezos wants to make sure his customers get only the honest to goodness cheap crap that only Amazon can deliver.

Twitter has suspended 636,000 accounts to tackle extremism. Although no one will consider their efforts completely sincere as long as there is still activity coming from the account of Donald Trump.

Pope Francis I is telling young people to resist the “fake” reality of social media. The only problem is that most young adults are skeptical whether the report was legitimate or from some fake news site.

Pope Francis I is telling young people to resist the “fake” reality of social media. He told them all they really need to do is keep coming to church, donating money while praying and they will all go to Heaven.

Rich New Yorkers are asking the state to raise their taxes. Mostly because the wealthy are always looking for new experiences that they can try for the first time.

Rich New Yorkers are asking the state to raise their taxes. Which makes about as much sense and will get the same results as going into Central Park and asking someone to punch them in the face.

A study says access to nature reduces depression and obesity. Mostly because being out in the woods means having to walk 20 miles to get to the nearest McDonald’s or Little Caesar’s.

A study says one third of Americans may have trouble coming up with an emergency $2,000. Which is sad knowing that anymore, “life” and “emergency” savings are pretty much the same thing.

A study says one third of Americans may have trouble coming up with an emergency $2,000. The other two thirds are standing on freeway exits with signs saying “Will work for food.”

Experts fear a big L.A. earthquake could cause land to sink as much as three feet. Which is good news for people who want to sell their homes and can advertise it as having a sunken living room, sunken bathtub and sunken everything.

Goldman Sachs is building a robo-adviser to provide financial advice to the masses. Because what could go wrong with people taking advice from one of the companies that took their life savings when it crashed the global economy back in 2007?

A woman is being charged with using a Bible to sneak drugs into a Mississippi jail. Apparently authorities became suspicious when an inmate requested a visit from a woman who would have a Bible in the first place.

Middle Eastern airlines are prohibiting electronic devices on flights. The good news is that passengers will still be able to bring along their chickens, goats and donkeys.

Middle Eastern airlines are prohibiting electronic devices on flights. Although what they should really be concerned about is passengers who are boarding while wearing any kind of vest.

A type of bumblebee has been put on the endangered species list for the first time ever. Which serves those insects right for letting one of them sting Donald Trump.

A pilot who passed out in the cockpit before a flight in Canada has pleaded guilty to being impaired. Until now, pilots were only considered drunk if they passed out while still in the pilots’ lounge.

A pilot who passed out in the cockpit before a flight in Canada has pleaded guilty to being impaired. That is one aviator who really put the “air” in “impaired.”

Diving tours of the Titanic wreck site will begin next year, costing $105,000. Which is a lot of money considering people can have the same real life experience for $2,000 by booking a cruise with Carnival.

Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch says Donald Trump is not above the law. He is also not above lying, abusing his power or using social media to start World War III.

A study says the world’s healthiest people eat a lot of pasta. Which is questionable. When is the last time you saw any skinny people out at the Olive Garden?

A 25 year old sea turtle in Thailand has died after eating nearly 1,000 coins. The sad part is the turtle was just looking for a little change in her diet.

A report says the GOP healthcare proposal would be worse for Americans than just completely repealing Obamacare. That’s like being stranded on a deserted island for weeks and getting rescued by a ship that only serves food from Taco Bell.

A Silicon Valley startup is offering $10,000 for new hires to leave the Bay Area. Mostly because if they gave them $10,000 to stay that would cover rent, parking and tolls for about a month.

A writer is suing Disney, claiming they stole his idea for the movie “Zootopia.” Really, where else would a company like Disney ever come up with a movie featuring computer generated animated animals that talk?

Fox News has sidelined commentator Andrew Napolitano after his unfounded claims that Donald Trump’s phones were wiretapped. Those kinds of statements are only allowed to be made by Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Lou Dobbs.

The U.S. and UK are citing the threat of terror in barring electronic devices on flights from the Middle East. Although for most Americans, the most terrorizing thought possible is having to sit through an entire flight without their cellphone or laptop.

The U.S. and UK are citing the threat of terror in barring electronic devices on flights from the Middle East. Apparently that is the Trump Administration’s way around the travel ban as no electronic devices pretty much means no passengers.

General Mills says that yogurt with more fat and better taste is hurting the sales of light yogurt. Although people who want diet yogurt can pretty much get the same experience by drinking out of a carton of skim milk that has gone bad.

General Mills says that yogurt with more fat and better taste is hurting the sales of light yogurt. Mostly because Americans like the idea of eating healthy, but only if they can include enough fat, sugar and salt to make it completely unhealthy.

Donald Trump is warning House Republicans they could lose their seats in 2018 if they don’t vote for his health care bill. Which is similar to most Americans who if the bill passes and they get sick will also end up losing their rear ends.

Morton Deutsch, an expert on conflict resolution has died at age 97. Apparently after the November election he figured why stick around when no one has listened to a word he said?

Morton Deutsch, an expert on conflict resolution has died at age 97. If anyone questioned his knowledge on resolving conflicts, the only proof he needed was that he was able to stay married for nearly seven decades.

A report predicts a “troubling” shortage of doctors in the U.S. by 2030. Which isn’t that big of a deal because by then Trumpcare will see to it that only three Americans will still have any health insurance.

Chuck Berry’s music sales went up 9,000% after his death last week. Which should worry Justin Bieber that his record company might think it’s a win-win situation for everyone if they shoot him.

Chuck Berry’s music sales went up 9,000% after his death last week. Which would be a fitting tribute if he could finally get a number one song on the charts other than “My Ding-a-Ling.”

A New York hospital has released a playlist of 40 songs with 100 beats per minute that can be used for CPR. They will soon come out with a follow up album called “Pumpin’ to the Oldies.”

A New York hospital has released a playlist of 40 songs with 100 beats per minute that can be used for CPR. The problem is that when anyone uses a song from Kanye West, the victim tells them to turn it off and they will just take their chances.

Jennifer Lopez says when she started out she was so poor she could only eat one slice of pizza a day. Fortunately, her career was made on account of where all those slices of pizza over the years eventually ended up.

Colin Kaepernick has donated $50,000 to Meals on Wheels. And who better to make sure that some of the elderly are able to have delivery of a nice sit-down meal?

Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey was found in Mexico. Although authorities are still searching for the Atlanta Falcons defensive line.

Donald Trump has made a 2033 Mars mission an official goal of NASA. Which makes sense as a trip to the red planet will be a nice way to commemorate being elected with the help of the Red Army.

Donald Trump has made a 2033 Mars mission an official goal of NASA. A more immediate goal will be to see if his administration can hang on to the White House even until 2020.

Apple has brought out a cheap 9.7” iPad. Don’t they already have that? It’s called the iPhone 6 Plus.

A report says the wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen for the first time since the Great Recession. Which is only fitting since causing the Great Recession is how they all became wealthy in the first place.

Rex Tillerson says he didn’t want the job of Secretary of State. Mostly because when you are the CEO of a major oil company why take any job that doesn’t pay millions of dollars a year for doing pretty much nothing?

Rex Tillerson says he didn’t want the job of Secretary of State. He felt it was time to give back and instead of being the beneficiary of Middle East wars he should become a diplomat and be the one starting them.

Donald Trump says he thinks most Americans don’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. What would be more surprising is if most Americans even knew who Abraham Lincoln was.

Donald Trump says he thinks most Americans don’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Even more difficult is convincing most people that Donald Trump is a Republican.

Donald Trump says he thinks most Americans don’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Which is fitting because Trump’s health replacement plan will give most Americans the same kind of results Lincoln had after going to Ford’s Theater.

Donald Trump says he thinks most Americans don’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Which is hard to believe because if he was a real Republican he would have insisted on being on higher denominations than the penny and $5 bill.

Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch at his hearing said “Of course women can be President.” Good thing for him that one isn’t or he would never have been nominated in the first place.

Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch at his hearing said “Of course women can be President.” Although that might not be a good thing as he represents the party that gave us Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Carly Fiorina.

Arizona Senator Jeff Flake asked Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch if he would rather fight “one horse sized duck or 100 duck sized horses.” At least that explains how the Senator ended up with his last name.

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley left the hearing of Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch early so he could make his 9:00 bedtime. What was even weirder is that it was at 9:00 AM.

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley left the hearing of Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch early so he could make his 9:00 bedtime. Not only that, he had to be home in time to yell at the neighborhood kids to “Get off my lawn!”

White House spokesman Sean Spicer says Republicans voting against the GOP health care bill “could pay a price.” Especially if it ever gets to the point where members of Congress actually have to sign up using their own plan.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I love the report that the GOP health care plan would actually be worse than if Obamacare was repealed with no replacement. Only Congress could waste seven years trying to overturn a policy and stick us with something that causes more harm. I am starting to believe that theory that the universe is actually a simulation. No one could screw things up this badly if it were for real. I just hope they do a better job when the actual version comes out. In the meantime, I will just continue to be happy in my own reality when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The FBI says it has tracked down Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey. Now that they have gotten that out of the way, they can go back to trying to figure out how to access criminals’ iPhones and if anyone was wiretapping Donald Trump.

Kim Jong-un has vowed to reduce the U.S. to “ashes” with nuclear strikes. To which people who live in states that have legalized marijuana are saying, “too late.”

Conservative students at a Lutheran college in Minnesota say they have been “violently threatened” because of their political beliefs. The question is, what else are there going to be at a Lutheran college besides conservative students?

A study says having sex with your partner brings 48 hours of an “afterglow.” As opposed to your partner finding out you have had sex with someone else and it results in the “afterlife.”

The list of the happiest countries in the world is topped by Norway, Denmark, Iceland, Switzerland and Finland. Mostly because the news of global warming means they are finally getting a break on their year round heating bills.

A list puts the U.S. in 14th place of the world’s happiest countries. And that’s mostly because of the few people left who can appreciate the simple things in life, like still having a job, health insurance and their home.

A survey says nearly half of all Canadians want illegal immigrants deported. Mostly the Americans who keep coming across the border ever since Donald Trump was elected President.

Malibu is offering sanctuary for illegal aliens. Who can stay there as long as they are making the minimum Malibu cost of living salary of $500,000 a year.

Malibu is offering sanctuary for illegal aliens. Mostly because there is no way those Hollywood celebrities and business tycoons are going to resort to having to  trim their own hedges and clean their own pools.

Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey was reportedly found in Mexico. Now at least we know why Brady has been so supportive of the President who campaigned on building a border wall.

North Korea says it is not afraid of the U.S. threat of a military strike. Mostly because what we call total nuclear destruction in North Korea is known as “urban renewal.”

A Sydney airline grounded five planes when a propeller fell off in mid-flight. It was the biggest disaster involving a prop since Carrot Top.

A report says some employers are trying to help workers with their retirement income with a lifetime income plan. Which will be more of a possibility now that the retirement age for most people has been pushed back to somewhere around 90.

A report says some employers are trying to help workers with their retirement income with a lifetime income plan. Which for some companies means shooting their workers when they hit 70.

A report says the Trump budget cuts are threatening the food supply for millions of kids in poor countries. Which apparently is his way of getting back at the world for making fun of him putting ketchup on a $54 steak.

A report says the Trump budget cuts threaten the food supply for millions of kids in poor countries. Trump says those kids will thank him when the U.S. instead spends that money invading the Middle East so they can have cheap gas for their SUVs.

Beijing is deploying facial recognition technology to catch public restroom toilet paper thieves. Apparently it has to do with a new app where people have the option to “wipe right.”

Donald Trump says he may want a 0% tax rate. Only this time he means for people other than himself.

Donald Trump says he may want a 0% tax rate. Which should be easy for all the people laid off from minimum wage jobs who no longer have any health insurance.

A report says workers who spend too much time traveling for work could have cause for a court case. Especially if their employers force them to fly United, Stay at Hilton hotels and eat at TGI Friday’s.

Costco is suing Titleist, claiming their popular Kirkland golf balls do not violate on any Titleist patents. Besides, the Costco brand is only bought by people who can find room to store a pallet of 25 dozen balls.

A report says airlines expect a 4% rise in passengers this spring. Which translates to double the profits just from the fees they are stuck with paying on each flight.

A report says airlines expect a 4% rise in passengers this spring. Which means they can cut back to half the number of flights and still squeeze everyone on board.

A report says airlines expect a 4% rise in passengers this spring. Mostly people traveling on United who book in the spring so they can get to where they are going in time for their summer vacation.

Donald Trump dropped 220 spots on the Forbes billionaires list. Even worse, it looks like he will be completely off the list if they ever get hold of the rest of that leaked tax return.

The president of Uber has quit only after six months on the job. Apparently due to financial difficulties at the ride share he just didn’t have time to run the company and pull a full driver’s shift.

The president of Uber has quit only after six months on the job. Apparently he was afraid that due to budget cuts he might have been forced to share a ride with unstable CEO Travis Kalanick.

A study says sitcoms give TV advertisers the best return on their investment. Although more are putting their money on cable news which gets millions of viewers every time they just put a camera on Donald Trump for his latest rant.

A study says Millennials will soon start to watch more broadcast TV. Especially when they reach middle age and realize it is just too much work to work the controls of video games, send texts and post on Facebook.

A study says ATMs and coffee shops are good locations to put defibrillators. Especially for the people who go into cardiac arrest when they realize they emptied the ATM to pay off their monthly bill at Starbucks.

A study says when hospital inspectors are in town, fewer patients die. Mostly because losing a patient is never good but the last thing hospital workers want to be yelled at for it.

A study says the duration of opioid prescriptions may determine which patients are more likely to become addicted. For instance, one day prescriptions have a 6% addiction rate; eight days a 14% rate and 31 days should come with a reservation at the rehab clinic.

A study says the doctor that a patient sees can determine how long they use opioids. The ones whose doctor used to see Rush Limbaugh can pretty much count on coming out of the office with a three year supply.

A study says the doctor that a patient sees can determine how long they use opioids. Those who want longer prescriptions would be better off seeing the doctor who does his office visits out of the trunk of his car.

A Russian search engine compiling data says the only person mentioned as appearing in dreams there is Vladimir Putin. The only difference is in the U.S. when Donald Trump appears to people when they sleep it is classified as a nightmare.

“The Big Bang Theory” has been renewed for another two years. The stars of the ensemble show make so much money that cuts to the other programs mean that “Two Broke Girls” is now the term for how everyone else at CBS ends up at contract negotiations.

Penelope Cruz is set to play Donatella Versace in an episode of “American Crime Story.” The only problem is scheduling Rick Baker to be able to make a pair of prosthetic lips big enough for Cruz to play the part.

Woody Harrelson says he has given up smoking pot. Apparently for some people  it’s no longer enjoyable to use once it became legal.

The NFL is proposing shortening overtime to 10 minutes instead of 15. Now if they could just do the same thing for the amount of time officials spend on instant replay review.

The U.S. is barring large electronic devices on foreign flights. Which is good news for  people who are forced to sit next to passengers who insists on bringing a big screen TV on flights to hook up to their laptop for some inflight Netflix bingewatching.

Visa’s payment enabled sunglasses are ready to be worn to the beach. Which will allow men to pay for treatment at the local EmergiCare when their wives realize the sunglasses are so they can’t be caught checking out all the other women.

Arianna Huffington says Uber CEO Travis Kalanick is evolving. So far his behavior indicates he has made it all the way from Neanderthal to Cro-Magnon.

A survey says 78% of Americans say they are afraid to ride in a fully self-driving vehicle. Mostly because they wouldn’t know what to do with their time if they weren’t able to criticize the person driving.

Bill Gates is ranked as the world’s richest person for the fourth straight year with a net worth of $86.8 Billion. His fortune is made up of $11.4 Billion in Microsoft stock with the rest from 1 Billion unites of unsold Zune devices.

Bill Gates is ranked as the world’s richest person for the fourth straight year with a net worth of $86.8 Billion. Which means at this point he may finally have enough money to where his wife gives him permission to go out and pay for a nice haircut.

A London woman who performed a cover of an Ed Sheeran song on Facebook was banned by the site for three days. Apparently there is a copyright against anyone singing his songs who has actually combed their hair.

A London woman who performed a cover of an Ed Sheeran song on Facebook was banned by the site for three days. Which is still considerably less than the recommended punishment for singing Justin Bieber songs of a ban for life.

The former owner of a dry cleaning shop in California was arrested for defrauding customers out of $350,000. Which means his customers went to the cleaners only to be taken to the cleaners.

The FBI is warning that Russia will strike U.S. elections again. Although the question is how much worse could they do to us than getting Donald Trump elected as our President?

The FBI is warning that Russia will strike U.S. elections again. If they only had access to some intelligence gathering equipment and personnel who were trained to stop that kind of interference.

A study says Americans are quitting their jobs at the fastest rate in 16 years. Mostly because what’s the harm in leaving one job to go to the other when they are all paying the same minimum wage?

EBay says it will start guaranteeing three day delivery on 20 Million items. Which is good news for the people who pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to find the Jesus toast they bid on has gone stale.

A survey says one in ten Americans say they will die in debt. Which is good news for those who want to die the same way they lived.

A survey says one in ten Americans say they will die in debt. The other nine obviously haven’t taken a good look at their bank account, 401(k) or stock portfolios lately.

Ivanka Trump has been given security clearance, a West Wing office and access to classified information. Which seems a bit much just to keep track of which retailers are dropping her merchandise lines.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, isn’t it great they found Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jersey. I’m sure all those Americans who are on the verge of losing their health care will be able to sleep so much better at night. Ironically, it doesn’t do a thing for all the people who lost their shirts betting on the Falcons. All I know is that I feel like I am on the winning team every time you all remember to always keep on sending the love!