Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Former solicitor general Ted Olson says a constitutional crisis is brewing between Donald Trump and Robert Mueller. Which will be dealt with after the constitutional crises between Trump and Congress, the states, the Department of Justice, the Supreme Court…

Rudy Giuliani says Robert Mueller will wrap up the Russia probe by September 1st as he doesn’t want it to inappropriately influence the mid-term elections. Unlike when James Comey helped elect Donald Trump by reopening the Hillary Clinton e-mail investigation days before that election.

Lava from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano has entered the ocean, creating a toxic cloud. Which makes vacationers from New Jersey upset, as they could have had exactly the same thing staying at home.

 The NYPD is probing sex allegations against celebrity chef Mario Batali. The only thing being cooked now is his goose.

Arizona is planning for an exodus of 400,000 people from California in the event of a major earthquake. The real question being why aren’t they more prepared for the 2 Million who will be leaving because they can’t afford to buy a home for $850,000?

Google has removed the “Don’t be evil” clause from their code of conduct. Instead, management has replaced it with rubbing their hands together while saying “Muahahahaha!”

Google has removed the “Don’t be evil” clause from their code of conduct. While it’s a nice thought, apparently the idea gets too much in the way of the profit line.

Cardinals rookie pitcher Jordan Hicks threw two pitches in a game at 105 mph. Interestingly enough, they were measured with the same radar gun used to clock L.A.’s Yasiel Puig driving his car 110 mph.

Pope Francis I says it is OK to be gay. Which is no surprise from a man who goes to work every day wearing flowing robes, a miter and red shoes.

Pope Francis I says it is OK to be gay. After which thousands of Catholic priests wiped their foreheads and collectively said “Whew!”

Roger Stone says Donald Trump may not run in 2020 if his first term is “adequately successful.” Which means he has less than three years to start four wars with Iran, North Korea and China.

A poll says two thirds of Americans give Donald Trump credit for the good economy. The other third will do the same as soon as they can get a job for anyone other than Uber, 7-Eleven or McDonalds’s.

A passenger on a Frontier Airlines flight reportedly urinated on the seat in front of him. Which is what happens when no one can use the bathroom because Ralph Fiennes is in there the entire time having sex with the flight attendants.

An Onur Air jet dropped 30,000 feet in five minutes as it was forced to make an emergency landing. That’s what happens when pilots need to make it to the airport lounge before the end of Happy Hour.

China is considering ending its birth limits this year. Apparently they feel that 1.4 Billion people just isn’t enough.

China has launched a satellite to explore the dark side of the Moon. The reasons are they want to dominate space, lead the way in science and because apparently President Xi is a huge Pink Floyd fan.

China has launched a satellite to explore the dark side of the Moon. Which they will soon be able to give the rest of the world the report of “We can’t see a thing over here.”

A report says the storage capacity of radioactive water at the Fukushima nuclear plant has reached its limit. To which they are already getting requests to send it to the people in Flint, Michigan who are saying it’s better than what’s coming out of the tap now.

White House senior aide Stephen Miller says Donald Trump has “exceeded all expectations.” Which most people agree with considering by this time everyone assumed the economy would have crashed and we would be engaged in nuclear war.

Nicolas Maduro won reelection in Venezuela despite a disapproval rate of 75%. To which Donald Trump is saying about 2020, “I’ve got a chance!”

A teenager who started a forest fire in Oregon last year has been ordered to pay restitution of $36.6 Million. Which really hurts his future as that is exactly the same amount he was planning to have to borrow to pay his college tuition loans.

Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick says school safety depends on three things, “deter, detect and deny.” Meaning deter shooters, detect weapons and deny there is a problem with too many guns.

Starbucks has issued new guidelines to where employees should call 911. Mostly on the ones who didn’t take out a second mortgage on their home before they ordered their large mocha latte.

A woman was detained by Border Patrol guards at a Montana gas station for speaking Spanish. Next time they know to try to blend in better wearing boots, packing a gun and buying a six pack of beer.

A woman was detained by Border Patrol guards at a Montana gas station for speaking Spanish. Next time they know that when they get excited, instead of yelling “Arriba!” to shout “Yee-haw!”

A commission says the Nicaraguan government violated human rights. People were shocked. Nicaragua had human rights to violate?

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin says the DOJ needs to review the power of Google and other big tech firms. With the tech industry becoming more and more invasive into personal information, he’s asking who do they think they are, the government?

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin says the DOJ needs to review the power of Google and other big tech firms. The question is, why do they care so much about companies getting some of our private information when they look the other way as oil companies take us back up to $4 a gallon gasoline?

Goldman Sachs says the financial outlook of the U.S. is “not good.” Which is scary as the last time they said that was right before they helped crash the country’s economy.

The House is set to approve legislation to deregulate banks. Apparently they feel it’s been ten years since the banks crashed the world economy and they pinkie promised not to do it again.

The Post Office is introducing the first scratch and sniff stamps. Which coincidentally is what most pit bulls are doing right before they attack their neighborhood letter carrier.

Sears got a $425 Million boost in a credit card deal with Citi. Retail experts were surprised. Sears is worth $425 Million?

Sears got a $425 Million boost in a credit card deal with Citi. Which means the Sears salesperson of the year is the one who suckered a bank into loaning the store $425 Million.

67% of Americans say now is a good time to find a quality job in the U.S. All you need to do is get a resume that makes you eligible to apply to become a corporate CEO.

67% of Americans say now is a good time to find a quality job in the U.S. The other 33% already feel they have a quality job because they are the ones not working for Uber, 7-Eleven or Wal-Mart.

New research says the best way to keep your heart in shape is exercise 30 minutes, four or five days a week. Which most people say they don’t even have the stamina to do something they like 30 minutes, four or five days a week.

New research says the best way to keep your heart in shape is exercise 30 minutes, four or five days a week. Which is great with most people as long as they can count the time they are walking from the couch to the refrigerator and  back.

Five Connecticut teens were hospitalized after eating cookies made with a “foreign substance.” Apparently they just weren’t used to eating something made entirely of fat, sugar and salt.

Five Connecticut teens were hospitalized after eating cookies made with a “foreign substance.” Which most people think a foreign substance in food means tortillas, escargot or bratwurst.

Brett Favre says he was treated for drug addiction three times with the Packers. He couldn’t even go through rehab without making a comeback.

10% of Americans say their kids have gotten sick at restaurants eating bad food. The other 90% will just take longer, when they develop their Type 2 diabetes in middle age from eating at McDonald’s Burger King and Taco Bell.

A report says thousands of women say Essure birth control has caused them intense pain. To which the manufacturer is saying to them “If you want real pain get off the birth control and push an eight pound baby out of your body.”

A study says unnecessary and accidental use of ADHD drugs has gone up 60%. Mostly for the people who are just too hyper to read the directions.

Meghan Markle’s nephew was warned by police for trying to bring a knife into a London nightclub. Which means any day we can expect a new reality show called “Trailer Park Royals.”

29.2 Million Americans tuned in to watch the Royal Wedding. Or as CBS calls 29.2 Million viewers, “a pretty good year.”

Becca Kufrin says she doesn’t want starring in “The Bachelorette” to change her or her normal life. The question being what is even close to normal about wanting to star in “The Bachelorette”?

The San Antonio Spurs are ending their dance team after 25 years. Apparently some of the dancers are now as old as the players and the only dances they remember are the Waltz, Tango and Fox Trot.

The Buffalo Bills released lineman Richie Incognito. In the meantime he says he will just continue to stay under cover.

Serena Williams will be unseeded for the French Open. That means the quarterfinals, semifinals and finals could actually be taking place in the first three rounds.

Louisville has reached a $4.5 Million settlement with former Athletic Director Tom Jurich who was fired in the NCAA corruption probe. Well, that kind of punishment will certainly teach him a lesson.

An unidentified man paid $50,000 to caddie for Tiger Woods in a pro-am. No one had any idea that Stevie Williams missed his camera time on the bag so much.

Donald Trump has rejected attempts by staffers to improve the security on his cellphone. Which doesn’t matter because is there anything he does on his phone that he even tries to keep secret?

A watchdog says the U.S. strategy in Afghanistan has showed little result. To which most people were surprised, saying “We have a strategy in Afghanistan?”

Donald Trump says the CIA has the most elite intelligence professionals on the planet.” At least he will feel that way until he finds out they are investigating him.

Donald Trump praised NASCAR drivers for standing during the National Anthem. Although what they are really doing is just stretching their legs before they have to sit for the next 500 miles.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, there you go. Once again, I sit at a computer for a few hours tapping keys and putting words on the screen trying to make people laugh. And that is pretty much my hobby. I really need a hobby from my hobby. Playing my guitar is more fun than sitting in front of a keyboard, and it also makes people laugh. That may be a trade off. I am just glad that you all check out the blog every day and make it all worthwhile. And you should be glad you can’t hear me play the guitar. And I am always glad when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



Sunday, May 20, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


An Air Force base in North Dakota after losing a box of grenades is now missing a machine gun. No one even knew the TV show “F Troop” was actually based on a real outpost.

 An Air Force base in North Dakota after losing a box of grenades is now missing a machine gun. What’s even worse is now the base commander is asking if anyone has seen his F-15 fighter jet.

Kim Kardashian is being questioned about her children’s privacy after sending out pictures of them taking a bath. To which the entire Kardashian family is asking “What’s privacy?”

Orioles manager Buck Showalter began making a pitching change before a batter on the opposing team was even done with his home run trot. What’s even worse for a pitcher is when the manager already has a reliever on the mound in time to get the throw back from the catcher.

A fishing incident sent Georgia quarterback Jake Fromm to the hospital with a hook stuck in his leg. Which was unexpected as too much hook in the leg is usually a problem suffered by the kicker.

The “Yanny” or “Laurel” Internet controversy has people hearing different words when listening to the same audio recording. Just like Donald Trump’s supporters at the mention of his name hear “Abraham Lincoln” and uttering the word “Hillary” has them hearing “Satan.”

A plane crashed in Cuba one day after the airline grounded a third of its fleet for safety reasons. What’s even worse is the other two thirds were grounded because they were waiting for engine parts taken off a 1957 Chevy.

Amsterdam is trying to contain the flood of tourists into what is becoming known as a “party city.” What they need to do to stop that problem is just make it like the cities that don’t have that same worry, like Moscow, Tehran and Pyongyang.

Donald Trump says the Justice Department is out to frame him. It’s just too bad he isn’t in some sort of position of power where he is responsible for who is in charge of the department and who was appointed to investigate him.

Donald Trump reportedly pushed the Post Office to double the rate charges for Amazon. Which still works out because they make up for it by having to ship the exchanges for the stuff they sell that doesn’t work back and forth three or four times.

A report says 51 Million households can’t afford a monthly budget for housing, food, childcare, healthcare, transportation and cellphones. To which the Trump Administration says they just have to work on the idea of “pick any two.”

A report says 51 Million households can’t afford a monthly budget for housing, food, childcare, healthcare, transportation and cellphones. Just how spoiled have we gotten where people actually feel entitled to have access to all those luxuries?

A report says 51 Million households can’t afford a monthly budget for housing, food, childcare, healthcare, transportation and cellphones. To which Donald Trump’s staff is saying they also have tough choices, between first class air travel, five star hotels and $100 a bottle Champagne.

A study says people from small towns and rural areas are happier. Mostly because they made the rest of us all have to live with Donald Trump as President.

A former WWF wrestler was beaten in front of his home in L.A. in a dispute for a parking space. He could have defended himself if only he had remembered to put that folding chair in his trunk.

A Stormy Daniels strip show in Oregon ended when a drunk patron threw his wallet in her face. To which Donald Trump says he already tried that and it doesn’t work.

A proposed farm bill in the House failed when conservatives revolted over immigration. Which will all be settled once Congress learns we can’t have one without the other.

A Boston restaurant called Spyce has a robotic kitchen to prepare food. The only problem is when the waiter asks customers if they want their order fried in olive oil, canola oil or 10W-40 oil.

A Mexican man may be the oldest in the world at 121 years, saying work is the key to long life. To which Donald Trump says that’s fine, just not here.

A Brooklyn hairstylist threw a complaining customer through a plate glass window. To which the hairdresser says he was just obliging the person who asked for a “cut.”

Pierce Brosnan sold an original painting for $1.4 Million. It turns out that James Bond may be the one who has gold fingers.

Pierce Brosnan sold an original painting for $1.4 Million. Apparently there was a mix-up when the buyer thought they were getting an original Remington when it was really a Remington Steele.

Data says 16% of Americans say they will work until they are 75. The other 84% would except they are pretty sure they will be dead by the time they are 74.

Data says 16% of Americans say they will work until they are 75. Which is good to know they intend to keep their end of the bargain and keep going until they completely pay off all their college loans.

A gunman who took shots at a Donald Trump hotel in Florida turns out to be a male stripper and porn star. Apparently he was upset at doing the same thing as Stormy Daniels while not getting any of the attention.

The Facebook data leak has exposed intimate details of millions of users. Although if someone really wanted to get intimate details of Facebook users, all they have to do is read any of their posts.

Millions of people lined the streets for the Royal Wedding over the weekend. The last time there was a slow-moving procession with that many people watching, the lead car was a white Ford Bronco.

The reported cost of the Royal Wedding was $45 Million. Which people wondered if that was a good idea for a young couple like that to spend so much money on a wedding when they could have instead used it for a down payment on a starter castle.

Healthcare provider Kaiser Permanente has pledged $200 Million to fight homelessness. Who are mostly homeless because they went broke trying to pay off all their medical bills.

IKEA is offering its own rewards-based credit card. The only problem is the card arrives in pieces and takes three hours to put together.

Google has revealed a robocaller with a voice that sounds eerily human. That was achieved by teaching it to use grammatical errors, awkward pauses and by starting every sentence with “So…”

Google has revealed a robocaller with a voice that sounds eerily human. That was achieved by making calls to California that always say “Like, you know,” calls to Brooklyn that say “Dese, dose and youse” and to Texas that end every sentence with “Y’all!”

Hasbro has trademarked the scent of Play-Doh. Which is fine if they are intending to come up with a fragrance line for three year olds.

A British study says marketing “light” beer and wine may backfire, causing people to drink more. Pretty much like “fat free” hasn’t resulted in the world having more skinny people.

A British study says marketing “light” beer and wine may backfire, causing people to drink more. Especially if the study included the Irish, who feel beer and wine pretty much are low alcohol.

A 70 year old Vermont woman is accused of making the deadly toxin ricin and testing it on fellow residents in her retirement community. People were shocked. Who is able these days to retire at 70?

A 70 year old Vermont woman is accused of making the deadly toxin ricin and testing it on fellow residents in her retirement community. Remember the old days when people in retirement homes just pranked each other by putting food coloring in their dentures glass?

The FDA has approved a new drug treatment for migraine headaches that costs $7,000 a year. Which is perfect for people who get a throbbing headache when they find their prescription plan doesn’t cover any of the $7,000.

A proposed bill in New York will make it illegal to force workers to take phone calls and e-mails after work hours. Especially when the e-mails and calls come in on their cellphones and keep from using them for texting, video games and social media.

The WHO says the Ebola health risk is “very high” in the Democratic Republic of the Congo but not yet an international emergency. Mostly because there are always 27 other more pressing health emergencies going on at any given time in the Congo.

Bill Gates says Donald Trump was confused of the difference between HIV and HPV. Mostly because the only initials he cares about are the ones that got him in the White House, PA, MI and OH.

The FDA is shaming drug makers fighting competitors selling generics. In fact, pharmaceutical CEOs are so upset they are having to calm down by buying new vacation homes in the Hamptons.

A UK woman lost her hearing because of a buildup of earwax. The embarrassing part was when she showed up at the audiologist’s office naked because she was told she needed a wax job.

Queen Elizabeth II loaned Meghan Markle a diamond tiara for her wedding. That was the “borrowed” part. The “blue” could have been taken care of if she used the Queen’s hair to wear under the tiara.

Queen Elizabeth II loaned Meghan Markle a diamond tiara for her wedding. Apparently the couple needed the tiara when they went over their allotted budget of $45 Million for the wedding and just didn’t have enough left over to buy their own.

Elizabeth Hurley says Meghan Markle will be an “asset” to the Royal Family. Which is a real compliment when referring to a family that is pretty much built around its assets.

“Teen Mom OG” star Catelynn Lowell says putting her daughter up for adoption was “one of the hardest decisions of her life.” What is sad is that she had no problem making the decision to be on “Teen Mom OG.”

Cowboys wide receiver Terrance Williams was arrested for public intoxication after crashing his Lamborghini and leaving the scene. Or as people who are not NFL stars who drive Lamborghinis call that, a DUI.

Terrell Owens ripped Cowboys coach Jason Garrett, saying its “mind boggling” he still has a job. What’s even more mind boggling is how someone with Owens’ talent developed a reputation that kept him out of steady work since 2008.

The Cowboys offensive line coach says he doesn’t want players who aren’t smart enough to get ketchup out of a bottle. Which means the best way to get on the team is show up with a jersey with the name and number “Heinz” and “57.”

The Cowboys offensive line coach says he doesn’t want players who aren’t smart enough to get ketchup out of a bottle. What’s worse is the ones who can get ketchup out of a bottle but only because they looked up the tutorial on Youtube.

Johnny Manziel says he has signed with the Hamilton Tiger-Cats in the CFL. He immediately trademarked his new Canadian nickname of “Johnny Football, eh?”

A 93 year old Ohio man made a hole-in-one on what was going to be his last round of golf ever. Apparently he considers the 65 years he played golf before that as just practice.

Ricky Barnes was disqualified from the AT&T Byron Nelson for signing an incorrect scorecard. What’s worse is that it was because he signed it “Ben Hogan.”

The U.S. and China have agreed on a tentative cut to the American trade deficit. Which apparently is why Donald Trump has been going after Amazon as the entire deficit is the amount of crap they keep bringing into the country from China.

The first holographic smartphone will be released this year. The amazing part will be for people texting behind the wheel who will be able to see inside their vehicle a 3-D high resolution image of the tree they are about to hit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Did you all watch the Royal Wedding? Me neither. Are you serious? Isn’t having a Royal Family the whole reason we fought the Revolutionary War? I would have been more interested in watching if they instead went to the justice of the peace, tied the knot and gave the $45 Million to the London homeless. The fun part is knowing they realize after spending that much money on a wedding they better not get divorced. I know everyone loves a fairy tale wedding with the fabulously wealthy couple that will be happy forever, but at the end of the day it’s a man and a woman and no matter how perfect their life looks on the outside, there are going to be times where life with each other isn’t so rosy and they will have to deal with it. And that was an incredibly long running sentence. I wish them the best, because I love the Royal Family who despite being in another country still give a good amount of material to this blog. As far as I’m concerned the way to live happily ever after is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!