Thursday, October 18, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Meghan Markle reportedly makes no salary as a Royal. However, she is banking on if she ever divorces Prince Harry she walks away with half of Wales and the southern tip of Scotland.

A report says Roseanne’s character is killed off in her sleep in “The Conners.” It is suspected to be a heart attack or opioid overdose, but turns out to be from a night terror she is still married to Tom Arnold.

A study says working less helps people live longer. Mostly because less work means less money and those people then realize they have to live to be 93 if they ever want to retire.

A study says working less helps people live longer. Except when they are working less because they lost their job and their life is cut short from all the stress of being unemployed.

The World Bank says nearly half the world lives on less than $5.50 a day. Which no one had any idea that many people were now working for Amazon.

Major League Baseball is investigating the Houston Astros for reportedly video taping the Red Sox during a game. Because apparently there isn’t enough video already taken from every possible angle of every game ever played.

Major League Baseball is investigating the Houston Astros for reportedly video taping the Red Sox during a game. Which is at least different than with Bill Belichick where a team from Boston is the one complaining of being spied on.

A study says about one half of U.S. births happen outside of marriage, signaling a cultural shift. Either that or it just means Kevin Federline is dating again.

A study says about one half of U.S. births happen outside of marriage, signaling a cultural shift. Either that or it just means lots of potential future draft picks for the NBA.

A study says about one half of U.S. births happen outside of marriage, signaling a cultural shift. Mostly because men figure if they are going to lose half what they own paying for the kid’s college, they aren’t going to lose the other half in a divorce.

A report says the fertility rate has fallen in the U.S. over the past decade. Mostly because it’s hard trying to start a family when you have no home, job and are about ready to live in your car.

The U.S. has been named the world’s most competitive economy for the first time in a decade. Competitive meaning the rich control most the money with everyone else fighting for what’s left.

A report says the best cities for jobs are Pittsburgh, St. Louis and Indianapolis. The catch is to get a job there you have to be willing to live in Pittsburgh, St. Louis or Indianapolis.

The Supreme Court will hear a case that could determine if Facebook, Twitter and other sites can censor users. Which is going to be interesting on a court where the majority of judges is over 87 and has the idea social media is the town crier.

Hillary Clinton was reportedly unhurt after a parking garage crash. Which is what happens when the “Scooby” van is being driven around by Shaggy.

22 burger chains including McDonald’s, Burger King and 5 Guys received an “F” grade for having antibiotics in their meat. People were surprised. McDonald’s uses beef in their burgers?

22 burger chains including McDonald’s, Burger King and 5 Guys received an “F” grade for having antibiotics in their meat. The good news being that anyone eating at McDonald’s for lunch is then safe to go and have dinner at Chipotle.

A professor at Ole Miss was condemned for telling people to not only interrupt and harass Senators when they are eating out, but to put their fingers in their salad. Which upset restaurant servers who said “Hey, that’s our job.”

ISIS has vowed to attack the Eiffel Tower with drones. Which imagining a drone at full speed crashing into the 7,300 ton iron structure could be enough to actually pop a rivet.

Canada has become the second country in the world to legalize recreational pot. What’s the world coming to when the most progressive nations on the planet are Canada and Uruguay?

Canada has become the second country in the world to legalize recreational pot. The bad part for Canadians is trying to cultivate a stash with a growing season that lasts all of three days.

Donald Trump says he has an “instinct for science.” The problem is when it comes to climate change and the environment, his “instinct” could end up making us all “extinct.”

A British teen attempting to become the youngest person to cycle the globe had his bike stolen. Which means he is now trying to become the youngest person to hitchhike around the world.

Donald Trump is pulling the U.S. out of an international postal rate pact. At least it’s less dangerous to trust him with our ZIP Codes than with our nuclear codes.

Donald Trump is pulling the U.S. out of an international postal rate pact. Which at least is less dangerous than all the other predictions of how Trump would go postal.

Donald Trump is pulling the U.S. out of an international postal rate pact. Which Democrats are hoping to fix in 2020 by giving Trump another change of address.

Donald Trump is blaming “old trees” for California wildfires and that they need to be removed. Of course, “old tree” for Trump meaning any sapling that has been around more than two years.

The “Today” show is getting backlash for giving airtime to a white supremacist group. Which means there haven’t been that many white people on an NBC program since the prime time lineup still included “Friends.”

United says it will continue to ban free carry on bags with basic economy fares, with the airline saying “we are happy where we’re at.” Which with United usually means sitting on the tarmac for three hours.

Burger King says its Halloween creation “Nightmare King” can induce nightmares. Especially for the people who eat one and see their cholesterol level spike to 450.

A report says Sears’ catalogue enabled Southern blues musicians to spread their sound by offering cheap guitars. Which is ironic as the blues are now being sung by Sears shareholders.

A California surgeon is set to appear in court on drug and assault charges. Which the doctor says was just his method of drumming up new business.

A report says American women are having fewer kids and having them later. That way they will be too old when their kids are grown and have children of their own to get stuck raising their grandchildren.

A report says American women are having fewer kids and having them later. That way when they get old, their children will still be young and strong enough to become their caregivers.

Melania Trump’s plane was forced to turn back when smoke was reported in the cabin. Which is what happens when you hire Canadian pilots the same week that pot becomes legal there.

Wegman’s is recalling store brand hummus that may contain pieces of black plastic. The bad part is that people are electing to keep it as the plastic tastes better than the hummus.

A study says Facebook posts may reveal users who have depression. Especially the ones who are sitting at a computer logged on to Facebook 16 hours a day.

A study says Facebook posts may reveal users who have depression. Especially the ones whose most exciting part of the day is showing all their friends what they ate for breakfast.

Big Bird actor Caroll Spinney is retiring after nearly five decades playing the part. Apparently he wants to relax and enjoy his very large nest egg.

Stephen Hawking’s final book says a “nuclear or environmental catastrophe” will cripple the Earth in the next 1,000 years. Or by the time Donald Trump’s term ends in 2021, whichever comes first.

Meghan Markle says she is “running on adrenaline” during her first pregnancy. In fact, she is getting out of bed before 10:00 in the morning and getting in as much as two hours work a day.

LaVar Ball’s company has come out with a cheaper Lonzo Ball signature shoe that sells for $200, down from the original $495. Which means now they are only overpriced by $195 a pair.

LaVar Ball’s company has come out with a cheaper Lonzo Ball signature shoe that sells for $200, down from the original $495. They were going to be called “Air Lonzo” but didn’t want it to be confused with his jump shot.

NFL owners are reportedly worried about how the Chargers will fare in Los Angeles. Which seems odd that they didn’t seem to mind the team struggling in obscurity for more than 50 years when they were two hours south in San Diego.

The Dodgers’ Manny Machado was fined $10,000 for kicking Brewers 1st baseman Jesus Aguilar in Game 4 of their series. Although Aguilar should be thankful he wasn’t hurt a lot worse by someone kicking him while hustling down the basepath.

Florida Atlantic University football coach Lane Kiffin has offered a scholarship to an 11 year old sixth grader. Which the boy accepted, with the hope that by 2025 Kiffin will be long gone.

Jon Gruden says the Raiders “aren’t tanking anything” over accusations they are going for a high draft choice. Although Raiders fans would feel a lot better if they knew the team’s 1-5 start was from losing on purpose.

Louisiana Senator John Kennedy says the U.S. should find a way to condemn Saudi Arabia without “blowing up the Middle East.” Although if the Middle East has made it this far after being at war the past 5,000 years, it’s going to take a lot more than that to destroy it.

Donald Trump is asking for a 5% spending cut from all government agencies next year. Which means he could then cut the $1 Trillion yearly deficit down to a manageable $950 Million.

Donald Trump called Texas Senate candidate Beto O’Rourke “a flake.” To which people were confused, saying isn’t he confusing him with that Senator from Arizona?

A poll says 61% of Americans are in favor of stricter gun laws. The other 39% didn’t take the survey because they were unwilling to emerge from their basement built-in bunker.

Phone manufacturer Essential is cutting 30% of their workforce. The people who will be laid off are those deemed as non-Essential employees.

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning is pushing a video game that teaches kids about finance. Mostly to avoid any financial worries by becoming an NFL quarterback and getting paid $20 Million a year.

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning is pushing a video game that teaches kids about finance. The first lesson is with taxes, and how deductions are not to be confused with the Giants’ 1-5 start as they are both called “write offs.”

A study shows how dogs understand humans. Mostly by only listening to a human unless they use the words “cookie,” “ride” or “walk.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The jokes are here online for you to read, but they are also available to hear with my podcast News Jokes By Jim. It’s a daily podcast so you can get your news and humor together five days a week. All you have to do is click on the link:   https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-10-12-2018/id1416271102?i=1000421666291&mt=2 How much easier can it be. Only if I physically come to your home or work and click on the link for you. And nobody wants that. So listen in, and feel free to subscribe and tell all your friends about it. Then make sure to remember to always keep on sending the love!

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Sears has filed for bankruptcy. It turns out the latest publication of the Sears catalogue will be trimmed down to just one chapter. Chapter 11.

Nicole Kidman says her marriage to Tom Cruise offered her “protection” from sexual harassment in her younger years. Especially from him.

“Sharknado” star Tara Reid was kicked off a Delta flight in L.A. for causing a disturbance. Apparently other passengers thought her being on the plane meant the inflight movie would be “Sharknado 2.”

Kike Hernandez ripped Dodger fans for their low energy and booing during the Game 3 loss. Although in the 4-0 loss the Dodger players showed they didn’t even have enough energy to run all the way to home plate.

Kike Hernandez ripped Dodger fans for their low energy during the Game 3 loss. Although it isn’t a loss of energy, it’s just that no fans are even there before the 3rd inning or after the 6th.

A report says luxury private jets are so popular, even used planes are selling fast. Mostly for the wealthy who like the nostalgia going back to the days when flying meant a comfortable seat, no extra fees and getting more than one bag of peanuts.

China says mass internment camps for Muslims are actually “free vocational training.” To which Amazon complaining of piracy, saying “We thought of it first!”

Google CEO Sundar Pichai is defending a censored search engine for China. Mostly as a time saver for users who will now only have to pick between five government approved websites.

A substitute teacher in Louisiana is being charged with having sex with a student during a pep rally. The teacher is saying “You show pep your way, and I’ll show it mine.”

A substitute teacher in Louisiana is being charged with having sex with a student during a pep rally. To which she says she was confused, thinking instead of “substitute” they said “prostitute.”

Iran has threatened the U.S., saying their missiles can hit any ship. At least any ship that comes ashore and is able to make it within 50 yards of their launch site.

Iran has threatened the U.S., saying their missiles can hit any ship. The problem is they know this for a fact as the ships they tested them on were pretty much the entire Iranian navy.

A top UK scientist says humans are on the brink of immortality. After which he corrected himself, saying recent news headlines show we are actually on the brink of immorality.

A top UK scientist says humans are on the brink of immortality. Although it’s going to be tough to get people to live forever when their lifestyle is keeping them from making it much past 60.

Rembrandt’s masterpiece “The Night Watch” will be restored in full view of the public. Apparently the paint has chipped away to the point where it has exposed the numbers underneath.

A bowling alley worker in Detroit was attacked by a customer and hit in the head with a bowling ball. Fortunately, with the help of emergency crews his life was spared.

A bowling alley worker in Detroit was attacked by a customer and hit in the head with a bowling ball. That was the frame where they marked him down as having a split.

Some high school students in California are being charged with making cookies using the ashes of their grandparents and feeding them to their classmates. The sad part is their grandparents ended up passing twice.

Some high school students in California are being charged with making cookies using the ashes of their grandparents and feeding them to their classmates. The worst part is the cookies were burned, which means it was the second time the grandparents were cremated.

New York City had its first weekend with no reported shootings in 25 years. Apparently criminals are going old school and reverting to the basics of beatings, stabbings and throwing people out of windows.

Jeff Bezos is predicting there will be 1 Trillion humans spread across the solar system one day. Which according to his vision, he will know them all as “My loyal subjects.”

A widespread blackout has left much of Venezuela in the dark. Which is probably better for most people who after the economic crash at least at night can’t see what a mess it has become.

A roasted pig head was seized from a traveler’s luggage at Atlanta’s airport. To which the passenger showed two pieces of bread and said “You’ve never heard of a Boar’s Head sandwich?”

A roasted pig head was seized from a traveler’s luggage at Atlanta’s airport. That’s what happens when inflight snack prices get too expensive and people insist on bringing their own.

A dating show in France has couples having sex before deciding if they like each other. Or as that used to be called, the 1970s.

A dating show in France has couples having sex before deciding if they like each other. This is just a guess, but there are probably pretty good odds this show’s idea was developed by men.

A customer in a South Carolina restaurant stabbed a worker during an argument over their order. The restaurant is now being sued by the Waffle House for stealing their business model.

A customer in a South Carolina restaurant stabbed a worker during an argument over their order. Apparently the customer just wanted to show the worker the difference between the cut of a flank steak and a sirloin.

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has reportedly convinced Donald Trump he was not involved in what happened to a missing journalist. Which in Saudi Arabia now appears to be the equivalent of shooting someone on 5th Avenue.

Ecuador is telling Julian Assange he has to clean his bathroom or he will lose Internet privileges. Apparently when he uses the restroom he has some issues with Wiki leaks.

A study says half the increase in San Francisco traffic congestion is from Uber and Lyft. Which is so much for the idea that ride sharing will help cut back on the number of cars on the road.

A study says half the increase in San Francisco traffic congestion is from Uber and Lyft. Mostly because in the Bay Area, even making $200,000 a year isn’t enough to support a cost of living that includes owning a car.

A study says half the increase in San Francisco traffic congestion is from Uber and Lyft. Mostly because Lyft and Uber drivers are just people who offer rides to others while they drive around looking to find a parking space.

Amazon is investing $10 Million in recycling programs. Mostly cutting out the middleman when it comes to their products that go straight from the package into the trash.

The UK says loneliness is becoming an epidemic. Although this is nothing new. As far back as 1967, Sergeant Pepper’s band was performing for lonely hearts clubs.

Stephen Hawking in his final book says “There is no God.” Apparently at the time he wrote it he was still upset about not being offered to join the regular cast on “The Big Bang Theory.”

A UK hospital gives kids electric cars so they can drive themselves to the operating room. Or as adults call that, buying a Tesla Model S.

A UK hospital gives kids electric cars so they can drive themselves to the operating room. Or as Americans know that, being driven to the poorhouse.

A study says a year after a concussion, kids can still have symptoms, including irritability, inattention and mood swings. To which most parents are saying “What’s the difference?”

Duchess Kate’s sister Pippa Middleton and her husband welcomed their first child. Which down the road could lead to some cousin rivalry when the kids have to greet each other. “Hello, Your Royal Highness.” “Oh, hi Bob.”

Giada De Laurentiis says she would consider remarrying, depending on who proposes. Which is good to see at least the second time around she seems to be a little more picky.

Mary Bono has resigned after four days as interim CEO of USA Gymnastics because of an anti-Nike tweet. Four days? What, is she preparing to take an appointment working in the White House?

Mary Bono has resigned after four days as interim CEO of USA Gymnastics because of an anti-Nike tweet. Four days? That is really taking the title “interim” a bit too literally.

The L.A. Angels are opting out of their lease with Anaheim Stadium. In the hot Southern California housing market, the plan is to turn it into condos and make a huge profit on the flip.

Microsoft co founder Paul Allen has died at age 65. He was the owner of the Seattle Seahawks and Portland Trailblazers, which with Steve Ballmer buying the Clippers and Mark Cuban owning the Mavericks finally found a way to make nerds real players in the world of sports.

The coach of the New Orleans Pelicans says he wouldn’t trade Anthony Davis, “even for Beyonce.” Although if she breaks it off with Jay-Z he may pick her up as a rebounder.

Two Ukrainian twin tennis pros have been banned for life for fixing matches. They were ranked 1113 and 1724 in the world. How much could they have won from throwing games, $7.50?

A suspicious letter was sent to the home of Senator Susan Collins. It was considered suspicious as who still writes letters?

Millennials say that personal politics play a big part in dating. Apparently views on healthcare, taxes and immigration can make or break a relationship with a potential partner, unless they are smokin’ hot.

Millennials say that personal politics play a big part in dating. Especially for the people who think swiping left or right is if they think a user is liberal or conservative.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are both planning to be in Paris November 11th. That way they can together go over how successful Putin was this time at meddling in the midterms.

A poll says 38% of Americans are satisfied with the way things are going in the U.S. The other 62% couldn’t respond because they were too busy packing their bags to leave the country.

Netflix is criticizing the EU for a “content quota” of 30% European works in their streaming services. Which is rough for Europeans who get stuck with seeing 7 hours of daily episodes of “Downton Abbey.”

A rare 1792 penny could sell for $1 Million at auction. Which is good news for the people now who have one penny left in their pocket as long as they hang onto it another 226 years.

Wired Magazine is celebrating turning 25 years old. Which is pretty much about celebrating how the digital world they write about is just about done putting them completely out of business.

A study says 85% of chronic migraine sufferers are women. Which is mostly because 85% of most migraine headaches are caused by men.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Don’t be the last to get on board with my daily comedy podcast News Jokes By Jim. Which is basically me reading these jokes for 15 minutes. Which is a real service if you would rather get the news and the jokes while you are driving to or from work or wasting time in the office. I aim to please. Just click on this link to get it. https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-10-16-2018/id1416271102?i=1000421939719&mt=2  See? I even did that for you. Feel free to subscribe and pass the word to your friends in person and on social media. It is the best comedy podcast anywhere. Pretty much the only one that gives you several dozen jokes every day. That’s what I call a deal. And it’s always a deal when as usual you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The Air Force says it is optimistic some F-22 fighter jets can fly after being battered by Hurricane Michael’s 150 mph winds. The planes fly at 1,500 mph. That’s like saying your Chevy won’t run because you blew on the windshield.


Sears has filed for bankruptcy. Which is about as big a shock as when Ricky Martin finally announced he is gay.


Sears has filed for bankruptcy. The amazing part is that they managed to stay in business even though no one has actually been seen shopping there since 1974.


Donald Trump congratulated Princess Eugenie on her wedding two days after the event. Mostly because his invitation purposely was printed with the wrong date so he wouldn’t show up.


The world’s oldest woman at 129 says her long life is a punishment from God. To which Hillary Clinton and Melania Trump are saying “You have no idea…”


The world’s oldest woman at 129 says her long life is a punishment from God and she remembers only one happy day. Which was yesterday since at 129 she’s lucky to be able to go back even that far.


A 41 year old New Jersey man says he has eaten pizza for dinner every night since he was four. Or as every American teenager calls that, “the best role model ever!”


A 41 year old New Jersey man says he has eaten pizza for dinner every night since he was four. Which is easy since he has no utensils in the house other than his 35 pizza cutters.


A 41 year old New Jersey man says he has eaten pizza for dinner every night since he was four. The worst part is that he keeps calling his dad “Papa John.”


Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande have broken up. They started dating in May, got engaged in June and broke up in October. Or as that is called in show business, a pretty good run.


Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande have broken up. Apparently she became very worried when he said that Kanye West is pretty much like him without the meds.


A maintenance worker for the Belgian Air Force accidentally fired a 20 mm aircraft cannon destroying an F-16 jet. The good news is that he has now qualified as the first Belgian “ace” since World War II.


A maintenance worker for the Belgian Air Force accidentally fired a 20 mm aircraft cannon destroying an F-16 jet. People were surprised at the news. Belgium has an air force?


Michael Buble says he is retiring at 43, saying he is tired of “celebrity narcissism.” To which Donald Trump says “If you do it long enough, you get used to it.”


Nepal has blocked 25,000 web sites in a ban on porn. People were surprised. There are only 25,000 online porn sites?


Nepal has blocked 25,000 web sites in a ban on porn. Which creates a real dilemma in figuring out what the people of Nepal can now do all day.


China has punished a blogger for disrespecting their national anthem. Which means any day now she should be signing a contract with Nike.


“The Kardashians” saw its lowest ratings ever last week. Which finally brings some hope to the outlook for the future of humanity.


“The Kardashians” saw its lowest ratings ever last week. Mostly because if anyone wants to watch some real idiots in action they can tune in 24 hours a day to C-SPAN.


A sculpture that unravels in space could become the most widely viewed artwork in history. Which is interesting because of all the things that have unraveled in space, this is the first one not designed by NASA.


A report says the top 3% of U.S. taxpayers paid the majority of taxes in 2016. Which they will get back when the Trump tax cuts of 2017 make it so the wealthy will pay pretty much nothing.


A report says the top 3% of U.S. taxpayers paid the majority of taxes in 2016. Mostly because those are the people making all the income.


San Francisco will vote on taxing businesses to take care of the homeless. Apparently the goal is to take enough money so that pretty much everyone in the city is homeless.


San Francisco will vote on taxing businesses to take care of the homeless. The one business that won’t be taxed is Starbucks where all the homeless now have a place to hang out all day.


A study says nice people are more likely to go bankrupt. That could be disputed. Otherwise, how has Donald Trump seen his businesses go under six times?


A study says nice people are more likely to go bankrupt. Mostly by racking up massive debt on the 32% interest charged by the not-so-nice people at the credit card companies.


Al Gore has declared a “global emergency” from climate change. Which ironically could have been a good thing for him if Hurricane Michael had instead hit Florida on election day in 2000.


The British defense secretary is warning there could be a robot war in 30 years. Although it’s hard to imagine robots being that much of a danger of world domination if they can’t even be programmed to drive a car to the local 7-Eleven.


Donald Trump says he spoke to Saudi King Salman who denies knowledge about a missing journalist. Which was as good as Vladimir Putin shrugging his shoulders about election hacking and Kim Jong-un shaking his head about nuclear weapons.


Harvard is investigating fraudulent data in a paper by a heart researcher. Apparently he just didn’t have his heart into it.


Donald Trump says “rogue killers” could be involved in the case of a missing Saudi journalist. Because of that, he is sending O.J. Simpson to the Middle East to search for the real murderers.


Apple will donate 1,000 Apple Watches for research on eating disorders. Which is easy to tell with the users who set the watch for a snack alarm every half hour.


Elizabeth Warren is calling on Donald Trump to donate $1 Million as she showed she has Native American ancestry in her DNA. Apparently now that she knows she is part Indian, she is planning to use the money to start a casino.


Sears’ chairman says the company still has a future after bankruptcy. Which right now looks like declaring several more bankruptcies.


The UK has rolled out a plan to help fight loneliness. Apparently it has something to do with telling people to put down their smartphones for five minutes and actually talk to another human.


The UK has rolled out a plan to help fight loneliness. The good news is that isn’t an issue for the elderly, especially the ones who develop Alzheimer’s Disease and keep meeting all kinds of new people every day.


The UK has rolled out a plan to help fight loneliness. Part of the prescription is cooking classes, meaning if you don’t want to be lonely, start serving your friends something other than haggis.


A study says climate change could cause a global beer shortage. Finally, a way to get global warming out of the political realm and make it a cause all men agree is a serious issue.


A study says climate change could cause a global beer shortage. Especially since most people see the way to fight global warming is to start by downing a cold brew.


A study says smoking is featured in half of all hip-hop videos. The other half revolve around the more traditional hip-hop activities of drugs, sexual harassment and shootings.


Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are expecting their first child. The baby will be seventh in line to the British throne, bumping great uncle Prince Andrew. That could make for some awkward seating at Thanksgiving dinner.


Robert De Niro says he is “offended” by Donald Trump and Republicans. Which is pretty judgmental coming from someone who had no problem starring in “Dirty Grandpa.”


The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have fired defensive coordinator Mike Smith. Apparently they feel when you have an offense that generates only 76 points in six games, the only way to win is with a defense that generates shutouts.


The Los Angeles Angels are giving managerial candidates a two hour written exam. Or as two hours is known in Major League Baseball, about four innings.


The Los Angeles Angels are giving managerial candidates a two hour written exam. The good news is that after they reach a 3,000 word count they can call for a reliever.


Broadcasting legend Vin Scully declined an offer to make a cameo appearance in the Fox broadcast booth during the playoffs in L.A. Asking Scully to be on Fox is like trying to get Placido Domingo to go onstage at the Grand Ole Opry.


A company owned by relatives of Republican House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy have reportedly gotten millions of dollars in government contracts through “dubious claims” of Native American heritage. The question being will Donald Trump start calling him “Hiawatha”?


Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse says the biggest problem in America is loneliness, with people going from an average of 3.2 friends in 1990 to 1.8 friends now. Apparently he isn’t counting the 5,000 Facebook friends everyone has that they have never met.


Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse says the biggest problem in America is loneliness, with people going from an average of 3.2 friends in 1990 to 1.8 friends now. The obvious answer to his constituents who feel lonely being move out of Nebraska.


T-Mobile is testing a 36 month payment plan for some smartphones. The problem being that over 36 months, most people have upgraded to a different phone at least three times.


Stephen Hawking predicted a race of superhumans with superior intelligence and physical traits will take over the world. To which most people are saying judging by the looks of most elementary school students, we still have a ways to go before having to worry about that.


A study says nature will need 5 Million years to fill the gap caused by man-made extinctions. Which could start in as little as the 20 or so years we will need to wipe ourselves off the planet.


A bear biologist in Nevada has gotten a protective order against an activist. How bad are things getting when scientists are more afraid of environmentalists than they are of bears?


Rare pieces of Marie Antoinette’s jewelry are going up for auction. It doesn’t include her necklaces which she couldn’t wear anyway once she went under the guillotine.


A Ryanair crew reportedly spent the night on the floor with no food or drinks in a Portuguese airport. It was so bad, they said the only worse experience possible is flying Ryanair.


Colorado voters will get a second chance to vote on an amendment abolishing slavery in the state. Apparently by allowing Amazon to do business there, they are drawing the line at involuntary servitude.


One Billion Tanzanian shillings are being offered as a reward for Africa’s youngest billionaire. What people don’t understand is that One Billion Tanzanian shillings is about U.S. $4.75.


Donald Trump says Sears store sites are great and will be put to good use for “a lot of jobs.” The problem is the only jobs created by Sears going out of business are for the bankruptcy lawyers and repossession companies.


A report says mall owners are benefitting from Sears’ bankruptcy as they can jack up the rent on new tenants. The problem being the only way they will fill up all Sears’ old mall square footage is to replace it with 15 new Starbucks.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I may have already mentioned this once or twice, but at the risk of repeating myself have you checked out my daily podcast News Jokes By Jim? It is the best comedy podcast anywhere which consists of me pretty much reading all these jokes here along with some wisecrack comments thrown in. It is so much easier than trying to read the jokes yourself and trying to make sense of them. Let me try that difficult task for you. Just click here for the link  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-10-14-2018/id1416271102?i=1000421789690&mt=2  I couldn’t make it any easier if I tried. Which I just did. So there you go. Please subscribe and make sure to tell your friends about it so they all start listening, too. Of course, when you are done make sure as always to remember to keep on sending the love!