Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A study says that corn biofuel may be worse for climate change than gasoline in the short term. Corn would be better used in detecting global warming, like knowing it is getting a little too hot when the corn starts popping right on the stalk.

A forensic scientist says that fingerprints may not be unique. Especially in New York City where the rule is if you have seen one middle finger, you’ve pretty much seen them all.

Jimmy Carter’s grandson who is running for Governor of Georgia says he supports license plates sporting the Confederate flag. Not only that, he is planning to trade in the Governor’s limousine for a replica of the General Lee.

A report says Tax Day revenue was at an all-time record high of $1.4 Trillion this year. To which Congress is now wondering if there is a way to tax that amount.

A report says Tax Day revenue was at an all-time record high of $1.4 Trillion this year. The bad part is that Congress already spent that much by March 23rd.

A study says that humans will be competing with droids for jobs by 2040. Most people were optimistic. There will be jobs by 2040?

NBC has hired a psychological consultant to analyze host David Gregory and improve ratings on “Meet The Press.” It’s been getting so bad that the network is thinking about bringing back the show “Medium” so they can try to channel the spirit of Tim Russert.

NBC has hired a psychological consultant to analyze host David Gregory and improve ratings on “Meet The Press.” Although a psychologist would be better utilized to find out why anyone would still watch NBC in the first place.

A report says the average credit card interest rate is up to 21%. It’s getting so high that when customers fall behind in their payments, instead of a monthly statement the credit card companies send over a pair of goons to break their legs.

A report says that more Californians in their 50s and 60s are moving in with their parents. The only difference is that now their parents keep telling them to turn the volume up on the TV.

A report says that more Californians in their 50s and 60s are moving in with their parents. The worst part is when the grandchildren come back from college without a job and there is a fight to see who gets to move into the basement.

A report says that many Americans are finding temp work a way of life. Although in this economy, pretty much every job is now considered temp work.

A poll says that savers are outnumbering spenders by a record margin. Although the biggest group is still those who don’t have enough money to do either.

A poll says that savers are outnumbering spenders by a record margin. The worst part is that the savers are just trying to get enough money together so that they can spend some on food, clothing and a place to live.

Las Vegas is being pressured to try to save water. To which most of the people in Las Vegas casinos are asking “What’s water?”

Las Vegas is being pressured to try to save water. Which in Las Vegas is known as that stuff they use to put in pools so women can lay out around them topless.

Las Vegas is being pressured to try to save water. The city would go completely waterless if they could just figure out how to make a good Margarita without using any ice.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says it was “foolish” to have the Supreme Court decide if the NSA wiretapping is unconstitutional. Mostly because the court shredded their last copy of the Constitution back in 2000.

A fungus is reportedly threatening the world’s banana supply. Which didn’t really bother any Americans until they realized those are the things that are used to make banana splits.

A teenage stowaway reportedly survived a flight from California to Hawaii inside the wheel well of a plane that reached an altitude of 38,000 feet. When asked how he was able to survive the flight that was cramped with temperatures as much as 80 degrees below zero, he said it was pretty much like flying economy without the peanuts.

Oscar Pistorius is denying he took acting lessons before the start of his murder trial. People thought the same about O.J. Simpson at his trial until they looked at his scenes from “The Towering Inferno” and “The Naked Gun.”

A paleontologist says he has found two mammals that have survived 23 Million years. He hasn’t said what the other one was besides Larry King.

An Ohio mom who overdosed at a McDonald’s play area has pleaded guilty to child endangerment. Not for the overdose, but for buying each of her kids a Happy Meal.

A poll says that young adults cite college costs as their top money problem. Until they get out of college and they find out their top money problem is not being able to find a job to pay off their college costs.

Air Canada is apologizing after luggage handlers were seen being tossing bags down a 20 foot drop. In the U.S. that would never be done until after passengers paid $25 up front for the rough handing fee.

A company has come up with alcohol in powdered form. It gives a whole new meaning to ordering a Martini very dry.

A company has come up with alcohol in powdered form. Which means if you drink enough, you are the one who is taken home in powdered form.

A survey says that 73% of Americans are not inclined to invest in stocks. Mostly because they saw the other 27% who could actually afford stocks go belly up in the market crash of 2007.

A survey says that 73% of Americans are not inclined to invest in stocks. Or a house, or a bank account or anything else that actually requires having some extra cash.

Apple is offering free recycling to all of its used products. Or as Microsoft calls that condition, “out of the box.”

A survey says that Americans enjoy saving money even though they actually aren’t. They mean just as soon as they get a job, pay off their bills and find a place to live that isn’t on four wheels.

The winner of the Boston Marathon was wearing Skechers shoes. No one even knew there was a division for 5 years old and under.

A study says that red plates make people eat less. Mostly because who would trust the cooking of someone who goes shopping at a place that offers red dishware?

A new smart pill bottle helps patients take their medications on time. Although if you are too spaced out to know what time it is, you have probably already taken all your meds and then some.

A survey says that 51% of Americans question the Big Bang Theory. The sad part is what they are confused about is whether “The Big Bang Theory” is on CBS or ABC.

A study says that language problems are common with children who have ADHD. But then let’s see you try to string together a coherent sentence after being given simultaneous doses of Ritalin, Adderall and Dexedrine.

A study says that too much Codeine is being prescribed to children who are brought to the Emergency Room. Although it isn’t really for the kids, it’s for the parents who have had to sit for five hours and listen to all the other patients in the Emergency Room.

Researchers in New York City have found thousands of bacteria living on cash. Fortunately, most of that bacteria is killed by all the cocaine that is snorted through the rolled up bills that make it into the offices of the Wall Street banks.

Researchers in New York City have found thousands of bacteria living on cash. Which still isn’t anywhere near as germy as what is found in the boardrooms at any of the Wall Street investment firms.

A study says that laughing makes the brain work better. In other words, you won’t see Dane Cook being booked any time soon to perform at any upcoming Mensa conventions.

A study says that thinking problems could be tied to blockages in the carotid artery. Which is why it is so hard for men to come up with a good excuse for why they are coming home at 3:00 in the morning when their wife has both her hands around their neck.

A study says that the antibiotic resistant superbug MRSA is being found in homes. Although it still is nowhere dangerous as what they found living inside Paris Hilton’s underwear drawer.

Billy Bob Thornton says that there is a prejudice against the South in Hollywood. Except for when it comes time for studio executives to negotiate union salaries and they always recreate that one scene from “Deliverance.”

Billy Bob Thornton says that there is a prejudice against the South in Hollywood. Except for when they know they can make money by making a film that exploits the prejudice in the South.

England celebrated the 88th birthday of Queen Elizabeth II. The worst part is that it looks like another year where Prince Charles has to sit at the kiddy’s table.

England celebrated the 88th birthday of Queen Elizabeth II. She says she isn’t ready to retire yet, mostly because she really has no idea what she does all day at work.

Comic book hero Flash Gordon has turned 80 years old. Now the only time he flashes is when his robe comes undone when he goes out to pick up the morning newspaper.

Students at Purdue University have outlined a plan to colonize the Moon for $550 Billion. Apparently the students are even willing to volunteer for the mission in order to live somewhere more exciting than West Lafayette, Indiana.

Researchers in South Korea say that renewable energy can be harvested from flushing toilets. Which apparently makes it just another attempt at harnessing energy from the wind.

The Supreme Court will hear a dispute about TV programming shown over the Internet. Is that really the right group to make that decision? Not to say they are all pretty old, but every Justice on the Court still has a VCR at home that is still flashing “12:00.”

Microsoft is introducing a new Start menu in the fall. That means if you are lucky, your Windows 8 operated system may actually be up and running by winter.

A poll says that Americans see made to order body parts, teleportation and robot care givers in the next 50 years. How about just inventing a cell phone that people don’t feel the need to have to shout into it like it is across the room?

It has been 20 years since the first spam advertising was sent out online. It was so long ago that three of the Nigerian princes sending it out have already been elevated to king.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you like this batch of jokes. It took a little longer than usual to type them out with all the Easter chocolate still stuck to the keyboard. Hazard of the business. Feel free to give me your props, because you are my peeps. But don’t send me any peeps, I prefer the aforementioned chocolate. And of course, I really prefer it when you all remember to take the time to send the love!

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


Easter Sunday fell on April 20th this year, also known as 4/20 which is celebrated by marijuana users. The only problem with them falling in the same day is that the Easter Bunny won’t be delivering eggs until May 4th.

Easter Sunday fell on April 20th this year, also known as 4/20 which is celebrated by marijuana users. Which means the Easter Bunny will skip the eggs and be delivering pizza, Oreos and Doritos.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia told a group of students if their taxes are too high they should revolt. Fortunately, that won’t be a problem as college graduates won’t have to worry about high taxes for a long time as any job they can even get out of college will be paying minimum wage.

A mystery aircraft has been reported flying over Kansas. It would be even more of a mystery if the plane actually decided to land in Kansas.

Saudi Arabia is planning to build the world’s tallest skyscraper which would be 200 stories and reach a height of 3,280 feet. It is already taking applications for the worst job in the world, the person who has to walk up the stairs to the top floor to fix the AC when the power goes out in the summer.

China is on track to be the world’s most Christian nation in 15 years with an estimated 247 Million followers by then. Which means by then we could even be outsourcing our televangelists.

A report says the IRS audits fewer than 1% of the largest business partnerships. Mostly because less than 1% of big businesses even pay any taxes once their accountants have gone through the books.

Astronauts say only “blind luck” has prevented a major city from being destroyed by an asteroid. Although they said it’s even more surprising that a major city still hasn’t been hit yet by NASA.

A survey says that 37% of Americans fear the federal government. The other 63% are somewhat afraid but feel better about it after they get their monthly benefits checks.

A study says that children lose seven minutes of sleep for every hour they watch TV. Unless the TV is on PBS which makes for an hour of sleep for every hour of watching.

A study says that wildfires are on the increase in the western U.S. because of climate change. Which is getting so bad, it is apparently almost as combustible as a meeting between Nevada cattle ranchers and the BLM.

An Atlanta boy who was taken hostage was released after singing Gospel songs to his kidnapper for hours. It turns out he could have been set free after two minutes if he would have instead just started singing Justin Bieber songs.

A high school student in Pennsylvania was suspended after asking Miss America to be his date to the prom. Apparently the principal took the action figuring the kid must have been high on something to think he even had a chance at succeeding.

A report says that California students have a tougher time getting accepted at the University of California than out of state applicants. Mostly because the out of state students have more on their transcripts than sporting a tan and knowing how to hang ten.

The captain of the Korean ferry that sank reportedly was among the first to leave the ship on a lifeboat. He will face charges and if convicted could be reassigned to be CEO of a large Wall Street bank.

A California Del Taco restaurant accidentally charged credit card customers thousands of dollars for burritos and tacos. Apparently the staff mistakenly thought that the people had ordered the items to be made with real beef.

A poll says that losing a job would lead to hardship for many in the U.S. Fortunately most Americans won’t have to worry about that scenario until they are actually able to find a job.

A new trend for businesses is to adopt a signature scent for marketing purposes. Which is good news for the New York subway system in that it is saving thousands of dollars a year in not having to pay for that distinctive and identifying smell of urine.

A new trend for businesses is to adopt a signature scent for marketing purposes. Like Wrigley Field in Chicago which always has the unmistakable odor of melancholy and depression mixed in with a touch of gloom and defeat.

An Ohio couple who had been married for 70 years died just 15 hours apart. They should have known better than to have eaten their anniversary dinner at Taco Bell.

A report says that Brazil is the most dangerous country in which to be an environmentalist. No one ever seems to make it back from trying to figure out how to recycle all those thongs discarded after Carnival.

A report says that Brazil is the most dangerous country in which to be an environmentalist. Mostly because Nevada is not a country.

A report says that Brazil is the most dangerous country in which to be an environmentalist. Although it might be China, but that will never be known until the Chinese actually get their first environmentalist.

A judge has rejected American Airline’s attempt to cut off benefits from retirees. Which comes as great news for the three people who actually made enough money at American Airlines to be able to retire.

A judge has rejected American Airline’s attempt to cut off benefits from retirees. The company will now handle it like any other business cost. That means they will just charge all their employees a $50 retirement fee each time they show up for work.

A report says that GM sales are rising despite the recent recalls. Which just shows that when it comes to product defects, the American consumer has absolutely no recall.

Fiat and Chrysler are planning to build Jeep models in China. Apparently they have a work force ready to go, made up or 8 year olds who are now too old to work for Nike anymore.

Johns Hopkins University researchers have developed a system to make better baseball schedules. Most colleges find the best schedules are the ones that feature more games against Johns Hopkins.

A study says the effects of childhood bullying can last decades later. It’s still embarrassing even having to explain to the staff at the nursing home how you got the scars on your backside from all the semi-permanent wedgies suffered in grade school.

A study says that flavored cigars appeal to younger people. Mostly because they are flavored with some other taste than cigar.

A study says that flavored cigars appeal to younger people. Especially the ones that are customized by the younger people to taste more like marijuana.

A new bill in Congress aims to curb overzealous photoshopping in ads. Like the ones in political ads that are photoshopped to show the candidate with their hands in their own pockets.

A study says that patients report a change of appetite, taste and smell after going through weight loss surgery. Especially the ones who can no longer smell the leftovers that were lodged for months between their rolls of fat.

A study says that stress can make allergy symptoms much worse. Especially for people who just found out their medical insurance is no longer going to pay for their visits to the allergist.

A thirteen and a half pound baby was born at a Pennsylvania hospital. Not to say the baby was overweight, they were able to have the same surgeon cut the placenta right after giving the baby a quadruple bypass.

Kris Jenner says she is doing “great” after a hospital visit for an unknown health scare. Although in that family a health scare is waking up next to Bruce after he gets the bandages off from his latest plastic surgery.

Paul Stanley from KISS says he has a strong connection to the title character from “The Phantom of the Opera.” Although he is still trying to distance himself from any discussion about “KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park.”

A woman is suing the ABC show “The Chew” for an accident that happened to her on the set. Fortunately for ABC, the suit probably will be dropped for a lack of any potential witnesses who actually watched the show.

Joey Fatone from 'N Sync and Nick Carter from The Backstreet Boys are feuding. Not to say they are getting older, but just like in their bands’ heyday this will probably be chalked up to missing their nap time.

Miley Cyrus has been forced to postpone her “Bangerz” tour after a reaction to antibiotics. The amazing part is that the tour went on despite the reaction of the critics.

Lindsay Lohan has confirmed the list of 36 names of her sex partners. People were shocked. Not at the number of people on the list, that she was sober enough to remember them all.

Memphis Grizzlies guard Nick Calathes has been suspended for 20 games for violating the NBA drug policy for using Tamoxifen, used to treat male breast enlargement. Apparently he was this close to being traded to the WNBA.

Memphis Grizzlies guard Nick Calathes has been suspended for 20 games for violating the NBA drug policy for using Tamoxifen, used to treat male breast enlargement. Averaging 4.5 points and 2.9 assists a game, it’s pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as a PED.

A report says that Major League Baseball is likely to adjust the new home plate collision rule. Although the only time the Houston Astros have ever been involved in a collision at home is when one of their batters falls on the catcher after losing his balance swinging at a pitch.

Scientists in Australia have captured a drop of pitch falling as liquid for the first time since the experiment started in 1927. It was the slowest pitch ever witnessed since Tim Wakefield retired.

A Chinese trade group says it will mediate a strike against the largest athletic shoe factory in the world. Workers at the plant that makes shoes for Nike and Adidas reportedly want more money, a shorter work week and mandatory nap time and milk and cookie breaks.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you all had a very Happy Easter. Which I am sure you did if you also celebrated it alongside 4/20 Day. If you did, I can forgive you for waiting a few more days to remember to finally send the love!

Friday, April 18, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A new payment system uses vein scans for identification. That’s nothing new. The IRS has been getting into people’s veins to get their last drop of blood for tax payments for years.

A study says that babies show racial bias and prefer to play with other babies who look like them. You know when your baby is getting carried away with it when they keep stacking building blocks that say “KKK.”

A report says that drought conditions cover 40% of the U.S. That doesn’t even include Chicago where the Cubs have had a dry spell lasting since 1908.

A report says that drought conditions cover 40% of the U.S., including California, Arizona and Nevada which are drier now than in the past 1,200 years. Apparently they are finally realizing that it could be dry because they are living in a desert.

Al Gore called global warming deniers “immoral, unethical and despicable.” Which is really harsh considering all the people he has been around in Washington, D.C. and Hollywood.

A psychologist says that social media is creating a distancing phenomenon. Mostly with men who are caught chatting to another woman online and are made to sleep a distance away from the bedroom on the couch.

A Washington woman is claiming that Twitter gave her PTSD. The only good thing about Twitter causing PTSD is that it still leaves her with 136 characters to play with.

A man named Edward Cocaine was busted for drugs in Florida. What’s next, Edward Scissorhands was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon?

Cuba is reporting a shortage of beer and condoms. Which has pretty much put Saturday night on hold until further notice.

A survey says that 30% of Americans feel technology will make life worse in the next half century. The other 70% realize that technology is the only thing that will be keeping them alive into the next century.

A new service will tell British retirees when they are likely to die. Apparently it depends on how long they are going to stay on a diet of British food.

The Russian media is complaining about what they called “skewed” coverage of Vladimir Putin by the AP. You know you can’t win when even the communists are making complaints about the liberal media.

Joe Biden’s son Beau says he will run for Delaware Governor in 2016. Which means if he wins he will be serving in the only office that is less politically visible than his dad’s job of Vice President.

A Nebraska school principal is apologizing for sending fliers home telling kids not to tattle on bullies. Although at this time he isn’t saying who made him do it.

Russian President Vladimir Putin says he isn’t interested in taking over Alaska. Apparently he likes things the way they are where he can just keep an eye on it from his backyard.

A California Congressman is asking the makers of Sriracha hot sauce to move their factory to the San Fernando Valley after complaints by residents near the current location about the smell. The idea is that the smell of the hot sauce would be perfect to mask the current odor of smog, gunpowder and spray paint.

A hospital worker in South Carolina has been fined $525 for not paying for an 89 cent soda refill. The irony is that it would have cost him less to be admitted as a patient and get all the soda he wanted.

Schools in Philadelphia are using high frequency sonic waves to chase off teens. Remember when schools were the places that were trying to attract teens?

A report says that one fifth of all Chinese farmland is polluted. The other four fifths couldn’t be analyzed because it was too hard to find them through all the smog.

A poll says that Americans feel real estate is the best long term investment. At least it is the longest since after refinancing several times, the average mortgage now takes about 60 years to pay off.

The Italian Island of Poveglia, called the “most haunted place in the world” is for sale. The only other home that offers scarier visions to its guests are the people who stay at Larry King’s house and see him walking naked around the hallways at night.

A federal judge has refused to issue a “park it now” order for new GM cars that are being recalled. Apparently it isn’t necessary since most people are still buying their cars not as much for transportation as for a replacement for their house that was foreclosed.

A poll says that Americans have less confidence in federal leaders about the economy. Which might just possibly have something to do with the people in Washington, D.C. who have managed to spend us $17 Trillion in the hole.

The CBO says that boosting the minimum wage to $10 an hour would cost U.S. businesses $15 Billion. Of course, all those businesses are currently saving a lot of money already after making every job in the country pretty much minimum wage.

Chelsea Clinton is pregnant with her first child. Expectant grandfather Bill is busy getting involved by already starting to interview thousands of young women in search of prospective nannies.

A study says that 12 Million Americans who seek outpatient medical care are misdiagnosed each year. Mostly the ones who have no medical insurance who are automatically told “You’re fine.”

A study says the happiest couples sleep very close together. Which for a lot of married couples, sleeping very close together is in the same house.

A report says that food poisoning hasn’t gotten any better than it was in 2006. Has it really been that long since Taco Bell changed its menu?

A study says that apathy may signal brain shrinkage in old age. Or it just might be that seniors don’t really care anymore.

A Wisconsin college is offering opportunities for students with intellectual disabilities. In other words, it is taking applications for transfers to UNLV.

A study says that the offseason may not be long enough for NFL players to recover from all the hits they take during the year. Except for the Jacksonville Jaguars who see their season come to an end long before any of the other teams.

Gwyneth Paltrow and her new boyfriend, the CEO of Goop have already split. Which is not to be confused with the goop that is left over after a conscious uncoupling.

The Academy Awards have set a date for the 2015 Oscars. Which is good news for Adam Sandler who can already start making plans for where he can take a trip and get away for that weekend.

Los Angeles Clippers forward Blake Griffin says that medical marijuana “makes sense.” What doesn’t make sense is how the Clippers are in the playoffs and the Lakers are sitting at home.

A new book says that Secret Service agents were not fond of Mr. Met and ordered him to stay away from then President Bill Clinton at a baseball game. Mostly because they were told the guy with the big baseball head made it hard to see if Morganna was trying to get through the crowd.

Portland, Oregon had to dump 38 Million gallons of drinking water after some teenagers were caught peeing in a reservoir. The teenagers were immediately given an internship as future executives at West Virginia American Water.

A 74 year old Chicago man robbed a bank so he could get “back home” in prison. There is someone who really needs to find a new financial consultant to help out with his retirement planning.

A report says the cost of searching for the missing Malaysia Airlines jet is now up to $234 Million. And that’s not even including the anchor salaries during that time over at CNN.

A New York City cabbie is accused of avoiding 3,000 bridge tolls by tailgating the car in front of him. The good news is that he has already been hired as the new personal driver for Chris Christie.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has launched his bid for reelection. The first thing he did was put together a team of crack political advisers.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I would like to wish you all an early Happy Easter. That’s the day we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus from the dead ironically by paving the way to an early grave for our kids by stuffing them full of chocolate. Of course, this blog has been declared dead many times over the past few years. But the one thing that keeps it alive is when you always remember to send the love!

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


A 13 year old boy and 12 year old girl have become Britain’s youngest parents. The good news is that for the next three or four years the whole family can share the same babysitter.

A 13 year old boy and 12 year old girl have become Britain’s youngest parents. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing when your kids are only interested in playing video games all day.

Two high school students in New York have been suspended for bringing a Confederate flag to school. Mostly for not even knowing which side of the war their state was with.

Fox News Channel will launch a new daytime show hosted by four women and a man called “Outnumbered.” Which is not to be confused with how CNN feels every time the ratings come out.

A Boston man who is reportedly a performance artist was arrested for bringing a hoax explosive device to the finish line of the Boston Marathon on the anniversary of the bombing. His next performance will be showing what it is like to be behind bars for the next 10-20 years.

A report says the Russian economy will be hurt by the Ukraine fallout, with possible zero growth for the year. Which means that for once Vladimir Putin might not be the only Russian losing his shirt.

The Supreme Court is set to take on a challenge to an Ohio law banning lies in campaign commercials. Otherwise known as a ban on campaign commercials.

The Supreme Court is set to take on a challenge to an Ohio law banning lies in campaign commercials. Forget the campaigns, how about a ban on politicians telling lies after they are in office?

The Supreme Court is set to take on a challenge to an Ohio law banning lies in campaign commercials. For one thing, they have to determine if it’s worse for politicians to tell lies about themselves or their opponents.

A Missouri man who was convicted of robbery thirteen years ago but mistakenly never sent to prison may have to serve out his sentence now that he is a working family man. His attorney’s strategy will be to explain to the judge that a man with a wife, four kids and a mortgage is already on 24 hour lockdown.

A knife was found in an enchilada inside a woman’s bag at a California airport. Even though the homemade enchilada contained an eight inch blade, it was still considered less of a public threat than anything she had brought in from Taco Bell.

A report says that prostitutes are using the website Airbnb to book rooms for sex. The first clue that something isn’t right is when people ask about renting an apartment by the hour.

A report says that GM rejected an ignition switch design back in 2001 that could have avoided their recent recalls because of cost. Apparently the company was worried about the additional costs for warranty repairs the company would have had to deal with if the cars actually started.

Uruguay President Jose Mujica says his net worth is $322,000. Which caused other banana republic dictators to laugh and say “Amateur!”

The Volkswagen Beetle is marking its 65th year since entering the U.S. market. We’ve come a long way since then. For one thing, back in those days an average American family of four could actually fit inside a Volkswagen Beetle.

GM is saying it can’t be sued over crashes caused by faulty ignition switches because they haven’t really been GM since 2009. They can prove it. For one thing, since then they have actually been making a profit.

The former CEO of Kodak doubled his pay in 2013. The company emerged from bankruptcy under his guidance, meaning for the first time in years the term “negatives” at Kodak wasn’t talking about profits.

Radio Shack is considering closing 1,100 stores. People were shocked. Radio Shack is still in business?

The Fed’s “beige book” says that most of the U.S. has shown improved economic growth. For awhile the economy was looking so bad they were thinking of changing the name of the report to the “red book.”

Google stock went down in price after investors were disappointed it only made $3.5 Billion in profits for the quarter. Apparently they just aren’t doing their job if some other companies in the computer industry are also making some money.

A study says the position people sleep in is an indicator about how happy and satisfied people and their partners are. For one thing, it probably isn’t going too well if the position you are sleeping in is on the couch.

A study says the position people sleep in is an indicator about how happy and satisfied people and their partners are. A good indicator things aren’t going well is when the wife is sleeping with her hands around her husband’s throat.

A study says that men get grumpy at age 70. Apparently that is right about the time they start noticing those neighbor kids walking across their lawn.

A study is urging doctors to reduce health problems in multiple births by implanting one embryo at a time. To which the Octomom is asking “Who has that much time?”

Viagra is being linked to an increase in the risk of skin cancer. Although most men who are using the drug know that is nothing compared to the increase in the risk of an early death when you are caught by a jealous husband.

A UK doctor caused a controversy after writing an Op-Ed piece in a newspaper saying he would rather have HIV than diabetes. For one thing, most patients would probably like a doctor who would discourage contracting either one.

A study says that doctors who give out drug samples are more likely to write prescriptions for expensive medications. Which most men couldn’t care less about if the free samples are for Viagra.

Researchers have identified the protein that allows an egg and sperm to hook up. Although the number one facilitator for the process is still pretty much alcohol.

A study says that 1 in 5 Americans used non-vitamin, non-mineral dietary supplements in 2012. Which they mostly found out were non-effective and non-refundable.

A study says that brain scans might show which patients are more likely to wake up out of a coma. The most likely are DMV workers who pretty much are used to coming out of their coma every afternoon at 5:00.

A report says that complications of Type 2 Diabetes have declined sharply over the past two decades. Mostly because we are so obese that many people are being killed by some other illness before they even live long enough to become diabetic.

Lindsay Lohan reportedly relapsed and was drinking at the Coachella Music Festival. Mostly because what else is there to do when you are in Coachella?

B.B. King has apologized to fans for having a “bad night” at a performance in St. Louis. Although no one really was upset. Mostly because when you are 88 years old, a good night is when you manage to wake up the next morning.

Jenny McCarthy is engaged to former New Kid on the Block Donnie Wahlberg. Which is big news to any gossip columnists still covering 1996.

A study says that sports teams with Indian mascots are losing millions of dollars in marketing. Which shows that racism and insensitivity claims mean nothing in sports, but you can always instigate change when it comes to money.

A study by Emory University says that sports teams with Indian mascots are losing millions of dollars in marketing. Although when is the last time you have seen anyone wearing something sporting the Emory Eagles?

Kobe Bryant’s advice to the Lakers on the past season was “flush it.” Although that is the first time in his career he has even made an allusion to actually passing something.

Domino’s Pizza is introducing a new pizza with a crust made out of chicken. It’s just gotten to the point where it counts as a pizza if you cover it with melted cheese, slice it up and serve it in a box.

A report says the average American is footing the bill when companies sidestep paying their taxes. Although the joke is on everyone else since most Americans don’t have to pay taxes after not having an income since 2007.

Yahoo’s COO is leaving his job after 15 months with a $58 Million severance package. Which finally explains where the company’s name comes from.

Yahoo’s COO is leaving his job after 15 months with a $58 Million severance package. Apparently his one contribution to the company was coming up with the new executive severance plan.

A poll says that half of all Americans say the middle class pays too much tax. The other half are too rich or too poor to be considered middle class.

A 2005 Cadillac STS that once belonged to Joe Biden is for sale. The car doesn’t come with a driver’s side air bag because that was pretty much Joe Biden.

President Obama counseled some high school students on options to getting a four year college degree. Which for most kids is dropping out of high school and living in their parents’ basement for the next 25 years.

President Obama counseled some high school students on options to getting a four year college degree. The most appealing alternative is to skip college and avoid having to pay off $100,000 in tuition loans with a minimum wage job.

Courtney Love took a swipe at Bruce Springsteen, saying that saxophones don't belong in rock and roll. Mostly because horns are just so much harder than other instruments when it comes to cleaning out the vomit.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Easter is just a few days away, when Christians celebrate Jesus being resurrected from the dead. Which is good timing since it comes around the same time each year Cubs fans are hoping for the same thing from their team. I am off my “real” job the next couple of days but will still be cranking out the jokes. There is no reason to let you all off the hook just because I am enjoying some R&R. Just make sure you still remember to send the love!